Sex With Emily - Breathing Into Better Sex

Episode Date: October 24, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is giving you a little exercise in mindfulness – because being present in your body helps you in the bedroom. Plus, she’s answering your questions.She discusses how breathing into your senses may be the key to better sex, what to do if you’re getting jealous in your open relationship, and how to get your partner to see why communication is a lubrication – and not a threat to your sex life. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm giving you a little exercise in mindfulness because being present in your body helps you in the bedroom. Plus, I'm answering your questions. Topics include Breathe with me. How breathing into your senses may be the key to having better sex. So you're in an open relationship and you still get jealous. How do you deal with it? You have probably with your partner's porn watching and now intimacy is no longer a priority. Where do you go from here? And how to get your partner to see watching and now intimacy is no longer a priority, where do you go from here? And how to get your partner to see open communication about sex as a positive experience instead of a threat?

All this and more, thanks for listening! Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Is it a common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Ah, my God, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com you're gonna love our site and you're also going to love finding me on serious ex-M stars. I am there five days a week and it's on channel 109 Monday through Friday 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific and if you want a free 30-day trial of serious ex-M go to sexwithemily.com slash SXM or hey you can still call in even if you

don't have serious triplate 947 8277 and 5M in all social media across the board. It's at sex with Emily. Alright guys, I hope you enjoy the show. We're gonna do a little guided meditation to get you into the moment. Like so it's mindful Monday. So why am I doing this? Well here's a deal. Maybe you're driving in your car, you're listening at home, but let's just be honest. The start of the week can be a little bit overwhelming. And I realize that that mindfulness, I love the music is going now, this is good, we're gonna do, I like it, this is good. So here's the thing about mindfulness. So, here's the thing about mindfulness. Okay, mindfulness has been a buzzword now for a while, and I feel like no matter who

you're talking to, you go into the doctor's office like you should really, have you ever tried meditation, have you ever tried yoga, have you ever been mindful, and in fact, you even hear me on the show, I'm often saying breathe deep into your pelvic floor. Breathe more, relax, be mindful. You guys are saying, how come I get so distracted, Emily, during sex? How do I stop worrying about what my boobs look like, or my penis looks like during sex? I can't stay in the moment. How do I be more mindful?

So on this first mindful Monday, I thought I would walk you through it so you don't have to buy all the books and do all the things and feel guilty that you are actually not in a mindful place. It just means that you're being present. Mindfulness means that you are present in the moment and you're not being distracted by everything else that's going on. Buy your phone, buy the TV, buy your driving. And in fact, for me to get into meditation, I had to throw myself into this mindfulness retreat

when I was in Thailand like 25 years ago. It was a meditation retreat and it was 10 days of silence. I thought, well, okay, this is gonna be really hard and you couldn't read and you couldn't write and you couldn't make eye contact with anyone. It's called Vapasana and you just had to meditate. And my only job was to sit and to breathe and to focus

on my breath. And then when I noticed my thoughts, which you will, you just notice them and let them go for 10 days. So I think, okay, this shouldn't be too hard because they're providing you with food and they're providing you with shelter. You just have to meditate. And then what I realized was that it was the fucking hardest thing I'd ever done because your mind, our minds, they're like wild animals in the jungle, wild animals.

And if we don't learn to control our mind, our mind isn't going to control us. And so that's what all this mindfulness is about and all this, you know, breath work because breath is also a really important part of Meditation and of just being present and of having better sex. If you also learn to to breathe with mindfulness It can be a really it can be a game changer But since our thoughts are running wild and remember this our thoughts are not facts our feelings are not even facts thoughts are not facts. Our feelings are not even facts. So if you go back to the present moment of whatever is happening, you realize that most

of our distress and our worry comes from thoughts in our head that we assume to be facts and that we interpret them as an appending threat, right? We're always going between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system and so many of us are in fight or flight all the time. So one of the best ways to anchor us between fight or flight is to actually learn how to breathe properly. And it's funny because if we don't breathe, we die, right? You gotta learn to breathe.

So I think most of us are doing okay, but we're never actually taught how to breathe properly. So we're just getting by. Because really what we need to do is we need to learn to breathe deep, deep breaths, like belly breaths. Like I always say breathe deep into our pelvic floor. So the breath and the mindfulness is really what's gonna help us, you know, in life. I have a friend who's always a singer in the show

and she's like, you're always saying breathe into the pelvic floor, breathe during sex or breathe and she said, I don't know what that means. I said, okay, well tonight, I'm mindful Monday. I'm gonna walk you through it, okay? So, let's start with some mindful, mindfulness exercise number one and breathing. So let's say you're just, right now,

you're maybe you're driving in your car. Maybe you're listening on the app. Maybe you're listening to feature time, but you're present. So the first thing you want to do is you want to pay attention to where what you're feeling right now in your body. So maybe you're feeling your butt on the chair and your feet on the ground. That's a really great anchoring place to start. I'm feeling this, okay, I'm feeling this chair, it's kind of bouncy.

My feet actually aren't touching the floor right now because I'm too short, so I'm feeling them on the side. And you just kind of start to say, like, maybe your hands are on the steering wheel. And you're like, okay, leather steering wheel, my hands are gripped. And then you want to run through your senses, okay? So because this also will anchor in the moment. Think, well, what am I, what am I hearing? Okay, well, maybe you're hearing my voice right now. We know that. And so what are you tasting? Maybe you're tasting some gum, you're chewing or something from lunch,

something in your mouth. The water used to get sip of your coffee. What are you smelling? Maybe you're smelling like the exhaust from the car. And the second you anchor yourself in all five of those senses, there is nowhere else to go, but present, you are mindful. You are being mindful of the moment you're driving, hands on the wheel, looking out the window, listening to my voice. And you have to remember that that really is a practice. And it's a muscle in our brain. And we're not often, we're not taught how to do it correctly. It's just because especially today, there's so much distractions and so much worries. So whenever you realize it, you're maybe in your car and you're distressed, you're listening

this and you're worried about the day. The second you just learn to say, you know what, I'm just going to focus on my senses and then I'm going to breathe that all that fades away. And so it helps to do it for five minutes a day, ten minutes a day. I try to do twenty minutes a day. So another part about this is the breathing. So, let me get into the breathing part. So, now that you're feeling more mindful,

just focus on taking some regular breaths right now. Because when I'm saying that we're also, we're living in this fight or flight, a lot of us are shallow breathers. Like, we're literally breathing from like our chest up, like from our heart up, and we're not making that connection. So, just take like deep breath breath like in through your nose. You can go out through your mouth, you can go in through your nose and out

through your nose that creates more heat. Another one. I want you to realize you start to take these deep breaths. I want you to take a few more that you can start to actually count. So when I say breathe deep, try to breathe in really deep right now and see what you can count to. How many breaths does that take? And then I want you to repeat that on the out breaths. So maybe it's gonna take you four in, and do four four out.

That was kind of a, that your maybe it's five or six. And so the goal is, is when you're really breathing you want to go. So you want to breathe. So you're taking one more sip of air like you think you can't take any more than you take that extra sip. And that's when you're really breathing. And that's when I talk about breathing into your pelvic floor. This is going to help you with like sexual desire and sexual arousal that no, you're not actually breathing. You know, your breath won't really go there. But if you picture it, it does so much for you. So if you picture this deep breath, maybe it's your fifth or sixth of an air, and then you do it like a little squeeze of your pelvic floor. This is the bonus, kind of waking

it up, kind of capturing that air and then letting go and then you breathe all the way up and then you breathe down. And when you breathe out, you're also doing a little squeeze of your pelvic floor. So this is also opening up the energy fields that we're often blocked from, our pelvic floor energy. Sometimes we just feel like it's not even a part of us and we're disconnected, but when you start to like do that little squeeze, so we can try to get in breathe in. Deep. Breathe out. Stress. You can also think like when you're breathing in, you're breathing in calm. You may breathing out negativity, judgment, you can breathe out the day because it's mindful Monday.

Let's get the week going. You can breathe in your, what you want to see happen this week, positive thoughts for the week. Breathe in a really good intention like you want to be more focused this week and more mindful. And you realize that like the more that you the more that you breathe deeply that you kind of slow everything slows down and you feel start to feel more connected. And I know I feel less anxious, I feel more relaxed. And so like the longer you can do this and keep trying to get up there to five breaths, six breaths, seven breaths.

So you just can't take it. You're there. And then you let it out and you make sure you count the same up and the same down. And you'll start to feel that energy flow through your body. Now here's the thing about it. It's like you can put like a note on your phone or your calendar or in your desk just to remember to stop throughout the day and just do some deep breaths. We can do a few more. You guys getting into it? It's a reset, right?

Now, here's the other thing. So hard not to talk. I'm breathed with you all. You can do this on your own. You can also do this with a partner. Like maybe you guys are connecting at the end of the day and you can just look at each other and you can take five deep breaths before you even say hello. Maybe even like look into each other's eyes.

And it's powerful. I mean, this is like, this is the kind of work where you're just like, oh, I got it. I thought I was breathing, but now I'm really breathing. And now I'm really connecting because you can also sync up with your partner's breath. But even if you're just on your own now, driving or every rat, just if you practice on like six breaths in and six breaths out. And if at one point when you're breathing in or out,

you want to just do a little tension of your pelvic floor, like you kind of flex those muscles. If you don't know what I'm talking about, they're like the, um, I like to calm the peace- I'm talking about they're like the um I like to calm the pee stopping muscles where you're like stopping and starting the flow of urine so the that muscle like And you squeeze it for a second you just squeeze it and you let it go Then we're just connecting the breath I wonder how you guys feeling. I feel so much more relaxed.

Right? I get some amazing. So do that in the morning, do it in the middle of your day at work. This is about mindfulness. This is what everyone's talking about. And I do too. I feel like I'm talking. It's much calmer.

Slower. Not quite. You guys can hear me, but it slows you down. And it's powerful, you guys, what the breath can do. It can reset. And they're showing now that breath can be so healing for so many aspects of our life, like disease as well. Anxiety. We store a lot of emotions and stress in our bodies. So we just want to re-breathe in, breathe out. Oh my goodness. That's like, it's very tranquil, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

All right guys, how does that feel? I feel like it's a big part of my life to be, and I'm still like it's stress and anxious and worried, and my style of leaving, no, maybe you need to go meditate right now. I mean, I try to do it in the morning and at night before I go home, kind of set, like it kind of re-frames a day

and let's go the day and then kind of resets before the night and it can be really helpful. So yeah, and it helps with your sex life too. What I mean by breathing during sex is just that you're taking really deep breaths and you're breathing it, even if it's loud, it doesn't matter. But when you do that, you'll realize that a lot of us hold our breaths also

during sex and masturbation. And when we actually breathe, it allows our sexual energy to just hear me out. That might seem kind of woo-ee-ee-ee-you, but it's true. It flows that energy through your body. It circulates it so you can actually have stronger orgasms. And you can have more pleasure when you're on your own,

because it's just moving,ale energy through your body. That's going to be my next thing for whoever I find. So go on a date or hook up with. I'm just going to be like, hey, do you want to try this thing with me? Yeah. I'm just going to see you like, because I also feel like the first time you hook up with someone, I'm usually actually pretty okay, but I know that people get nervous because you don't know what to expect with a new set of genitals in your face. Exactly. I think that would be a good practice

and hopefully they could like... I think it's a really good practice to just kinda anchor, because you need to go home and see your husband. Let's just breathe for a second, because you connect, you look into your eyes or you hold your hands, it really is just anchoring we all do it

But again, it's like we all we're not trained how to do it correctly Most of us do it wrong and live in this fearful place. All right, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back We're gonna get into your questions Okay, we got in this email from a Nick 28 in Virginia. He says, dear Emily, my wife and I have been together for seven years and have a great sex life, although my wife hates that we use condoms. She's told me that it feels much better during sex and when we eliminate one barrier, i.e. not having one when we need it, that we have in our sex life.

My wife has tried several oral contraceptives, although many have resulted in significant side effects. We've even discussed an IUD but several friends that my wife trusts have also had issues for them. This reason condoms have been our only contraceptives since we started dating until we started trying to get pregnant. The same month we started trying, we got pregnant. We now have an amazing one year old

and we love to have more children, but not right now. My concern is that removing condoms will quickly result in us getting pregnant given how quickly we can see our first child. Outside of female contraceptive options, what can I do to remove condoms from our sex life without too much stress of getting pregnant? All right, great question. Now, here's the thing. I understand that I don't know, being married and having sex with condoms, I get condoms can be super, super annoying and can feel like a barrier, like emotionally and obviously physically. So I have to say though that there are some great condoms out there that we just don't know. So if you that you might not know about, I love skin condoms, SKYN. There are polyisoprene non-latex. If you haven't tried them,

you could try that. You could try those out. Or just go to order a popery of condoms. Try a bunch and see what you like. I'm just saying that you don't have to rule out condoms because there is such a stigma around condoms. I also have to tell you, though, the pullout method, let me tell you this, the pullout method can be very effective. It can be just as effective as a little less effective in the condom or the pill, but most people don't do it correctly.

You have to take some time to like take your temperature when she ovulating. It's really just a matter of we're not taught all these things, but there will be like a sort of, if you guys are willing to put in the work, she could be in a stake, you could track your ovulation, there's apps that help you now. So you could really figure out like without a shadow,

without you pretty much it would be like, take a miracle if you could have pregnant on these certain days, you just have to do that work. So you could do pull out, but the reason why I don't recommend it is because most people do it wrong. And so I think also, you know, I understand my birth control pill, yeah, I hear you.

I'm not a huge fan of birth control right now either. And the problem with if she does go back on the pill, what they're realizing now is it's really hard to regulate afterward. You can't just stop it in the end, but we're going to get pregnant. So I think it's great that you stay off of the pill. That would be your best bet that if you just start looking into female ovulation and so she understands that you both understand it and you know when you're safe or when you're not, about pulling out.

I'm going to be ejaculating. And they can buy in bulk so they don't run out of condoms. Yeah, right. Right. But with blow, I've been doing it for 11 years, you guys, with Nick, my husband, and it's worked great. But same thing, I use the app, the flow app. Do you?

Yeah, okay. And I know when I'm in, I know when I'm ovulating. So I just make sure, you know, like, hey, maybe when we make sure we don't do that during that time, and then if we want to try to have kids, we know, oh, we got to do it during this time. So it's so true though. If you're making sure, you know when everything's going to happen,

just like you said, that's exactly what we've been doing forever. Right, okay. So there you go. So he could do that if he doesn't want to do the condoms or a stock up on them, but I just feel like condoms are, you know, you're married using condoms every day, and thus they'll be annoying. but even for everyone else listening, find if you don't love condoms

and you're not in a committed relationship or even if you are, they're not as bad as you think. I'm just telling you that. And if you can prevent going on IUDs, the IUDs with birth control, pills, hormones, yeah, I'm down with that. Even the Copper One, I heard if you already have bad cramps that it's like really bad that first day when you have that in you.

I mean, it just sucks that those are the options. I know, I know. It really does suck. That's why I think that if women had more under that flow app is made by that woman, Ali, I think she wrote a book about it. I can't remember, but Flow Living app, I'm just telling you that it's really, it's very cool. I give women start to, I think it's called the woman code, she wrote a book about it.

And I think that women just don't know enough about our menstrual cycles. And we don't understand our blood. And we don't understand any of it. When back in the day, that's how we like told time. That's how we measured everything. Like, was by female cycles and the moon. So that's not like woo, woo stuff. So I feel like if you, it is time now.

I think that women are ready to kind of take their bodies back You know not only sexually but also like understanding your Fertility and all those things very very not very often though you hear it's it's the The woman in the heterosexual relationship complaining about the condoms Right, so I'm kind of I'm like, you know, because most guys would be like, yeah, sure Let's not do it, but I kind of like proud of him for sticking with the little bit of it. He's got one to stick with it, but I think he's saying he doesn't want to. He's only done, I'm just saying that a lot of guys would be like, yeah, fuck it.

We got an Instagram question in. How do others work through jealousy when you're in an open relationship? And this is from a female listener. Okay. How do others work through jealousy? That is like a female. Okay. How do others work through jealousy? That is like their job. Like if you're in an open relationship, dealing with jealousy is a main tenant of this relationship. You have to learn really healthy communication with boundaries and you talk before you guys

do something, you meet up with someone else and afterwards and you practice vulnerability and just like a rigorous honesty that I actually haven't seen in other relationships. I haven't seen people in even monogamous relationships practices kind of honesty. So jealousy is like a natural human emotion. Like, we are all going to get, you're going to get jealous at different points in your life. But what I found is when you really talk about things and then you realize and you name it, you're like, babe, that made me feel jealous and then you have a partner that trusts you and you're able to say, I am jealous right now.

It sort of can diffuse it in a way that people I know are like, yeah, they get jealous from time to time, but they don't have the kind of raging jealousy that a lot of people have in monogamous relationships because they learn that you can kind of transcend it. The power that jealousy has over you, though I don't think it ever goes away. I just think couples that are really healthy

and talk about everything, have a better skill that dealing with it. Can you like, when you do feel that jealousy, like in your in the relationship, like do you just call it out to your partner and be like, hey, that actually made me feel this way? Yeah, you have a good time to talk about your, you know, I'm really think, what I've seen couples model that have been on the show and who I'm friends of mine, they're like, you know, that really, that didn't make me feel good last night when you didn't come home

when you said you would or I actually realize that I'm jealous when you tell me all about your sex last night with this woman. I thought I'd want to hear but it's making me feel really insecure and then you'd have to let your partner know what you need. Do you want an apology? Do you want them to hold you? Do you want them to tell you that you're beautiful? Like I think that we have to teach our partners also how to nurture us once we reveal that

we are, that something made us jealous and then hopefully your loving partner is going to kind of avoid those situations in the future. So I think that a lot of the jealousy happens when people are early on, and probably I wish relationships, and still continues, but early on, you're just like, keep just kind of, whoa, didn't want to know that, or that's too much information, or so you just kind of, but you pay attention to it, and you really have to nurture open relationships, you know, just as much as you other ones, even more so the communication is just rigorous and honest. I feel like I'd be fine until I didn't have a date when my partner had one.

Well, right. That would be like a crap. Like, I'm all I'm going to be thinking about because I didn't have anything to be like blocking my mind. Yeah, exactly. I mean, we remember we had a caller early on who called, when we started the show, they were like, I, my partner and I opened up our relationship to this that first night, she's going on her date

and my date canceled, I'm just sitting on, I think he was in Canada. He's like, I'm just sitting home tonight and I'm so bummed and I'm like, what could you do? We're like, let me entertain you, listen to the show. Like, I mean, that is tough, especially it's the first time she's gonna go home with a great story.

But, you know, I mean, the couples I've seen go, there's bump, it's bumpy, it is bumpy, it's not like so easy. Like, oh, we're having sex with other people and we're amazing, no. But you get to work on some deep rooted issues and you realize if you do have a deep trust in your partner, like you really trust them in a lot of ways,

that your jealousy is separate from them. Like it's kind of like it just made you, it brings up insecurities you might have. I think it's just really people do a lot of great work. I always say we do our best working committed relationships. People in polyamous relationships take it to another level. If they do it right. Like, is there a way to like, can you like put a hold like close up for a second if you're like dealing with stuff and then reback open? Oh yeah, people did all the time. Like, oh, we haven, we haven't played in a few months or we had kids or we stopped swinging or we stopped playing for last month

all the time. And I think if you decide, and that can be a problem too sometimes because one person of my shit might want to keep going and the other one doesn't. But again, if you are in a loving relationship with your primary partner, you just figure it out together. Like every other kind of compromise you make in a relationship.

I think that people are really a lot more curious about it though. I feel like people are like, I think we're seeing more and more alternative relationships. I've seen it in the last eight people are more open. It's not a shocking. It's just more, and it works. Not something for crazy, you know, neighbors or the swingers or people just one of sex or other people. It's people who realize that they can be in love with one person in love and love and

like it's a partner, but sometimes they just want to go out and try something else. They want to go have a little bit something, something on the side. And the partner knows about it. Do you think you could do like an open relationship? Yeah, I have before. Really?

Yeah. How do we not know this? Thank you, do. I think you do. In San Francisco, it was like I was dating a guy for like a year. And we both decided that we had about, we loved seeing each other like once a week. And we would definitely, we'd always had so much fun and Saturday nights, we'd go out or Friday night. And then when we each had something like he had a restaurant opening or I had an opening or something, we would do the special things together.

But we were dating other people and we would share that and talk about it and then it ended because I actually met someone I really wanted to be in a relationship with, which was hard for him. So I did, I tried it all. Yeah, there you go, James. And you thought you knew everything. Christine 34 in Colorado wants to know how to know if her spouse is watching too much porn. Hey Christine, thanks for calling.

How much porn is he watching? Hi. Hi. I'm not 100% sure, but the path, I would say probably a couple of weeks. I've been seeing it on his phone. And it's almost every day. OK.

We haven't been intimate as much as we'd like to because we both travel a lot for work. Right. So I feel like maybe that's part of it but we I've seen it on his film before before we got married and I never had a problem with it. Okay. I guess I'm just questioning it's just making me feel a little insecure. Right. No, I'm just wondering. Yeah. Yeah. No, I just... I'm just wondering. Yeah. Yeah, no, I get it. So just so you know, like porn, it's totally regular for, you know, normal for men to watch

porn every day. A lot of them do every day. So that is a normal thing. So I mean, I think if you know, this is when porn's a problem. It's like, he can no longer get turned on with you. He can't leave the house. He's missing his job because he can't show for work work because he's not watching porn 10 times a day. That's when there's consequences.

But I'm wondering, so I don't think, but tell me about you guys not having as much sex as you'd like, because that's common in relationships, but have you guys tried to kind of talk about it and say, well, what can we do about this? Let's try to have more sex, because I think that's more of the issue than the porn. I think so too. Okay. No, we haven't like exactly said it. I think we've just both in

or out verbally said it. I think we both kind of read each other's mind like we need to make it more of a priority in our marriage. Right. Okay. That's great. When we are together even, you know, so since marriage traveling, so since we aren't traveling, but when we aren't traveling, but the travel is pretty heavy, so, and it comes in spurred, so when it's travel, it's a lot of travel. Okay. When it's not, it's not.

Right, okay, well, I think that maybe, so that's good you guys had the preliminary conversation. So the next time you guys are together and you're having dinner and it's great, you haven't seen each other while you should just say, don't be, I know we talked about prioritizing our sex life, but I really feel like let's figure out some ways we can actually figure out how to connect again intimately. And so I think that a great thing to do would be to literally prioritize it, put it on

the calendar. Scheduling sex is one of the most effective tools that couples don't do because I think it's going to take away all the mystery and it's like you're not having sex anyway. It actually makes a lot hotter because you're guaranteed it's happening. You can kind of maybe start talking fantasies with him or you start adding some new things to mix,

some toys, some lube, some role playing and kind of keeping it alive. Because every relationship has to prioritize their sex life and keep it interesting. We just don't often think to do it. So, and I would also say some tips for you too when you're away from each other. It's actually, if you're, you know,

it's a really good time right now to be long distance or away from your partner because there's so much great technology that could keep you connected. So I don't know if you guys ever use toys together, but there's a company called Wevibe and they make these amazing toys and a lot of them work with their Weconnect app

So you could like have a toy and you guys could face time to use the app It's like a face time, you know it uses that same kind of technology and he could you could watch each other He could control the vibe for you or you guys could just make a date on Skype and have some intimacy when you're away from each other Maybe have some conversations about sex or just, it's important to keep it going even when you're apart. So if you're saying that, because maybe also a lot of couples who don't keep that intimacy life in it, I don't even mean like you have to have Skype sex. You could just have really, you know, maybe you have a date where you're both having a

glass of wine and you're talking on the, you know, using Skype, but to figure out what you need. So when you do see each other again, you are, you still feel connected. Okay. All right. Does that... And that one was called Wevibe? Yeah, it's called the Wevibe.

We can put it in the show notes. If you go to sexzome.com, like everything we talk about is in the show notes, but it's Wevibe. And just check out their toys. If you guys haven't used them, there's just a lot of them that are really fun. You can kind of control it and see it's a very interesting, cool product. But yeah, check them out. And it would just be something fun to look forward to

and to play with. So that's what I think. Let me know how that goes. And maybe I wouldn't bring up the porn, but first bring up the prioritizing sex, okay? Thanks, Christine. Yeah, you'll appreciate it. Once you start talking about sex, you guys,

I'm telling you, if you're listening to this and you have not had that conversation with your partner ever, you've actually never said, not just we should prioritize sex. Oh yeah, baby, you're totally right. What's for dinner? But you actually sat down and we're like, let's make a sex plan.

We should have a sex plan. What are our goals for our sex life the next two months? What should we try? Like, think of it, not like it's a chore, you guys. Remember, we're talking sex. Remember when it was fun and awesome at the beginning of your relationship, it's that. And then you're like, well, what can we try? Like, think of it, not like it's a chore, you guys. Remember, we're talking sex. Remember when it was fun and awesome at the beginning of your relationship, it's that. And then you're like, what can we do?

And you could like plot it out. Maybe we want to try a toy. Or maybe we want to, you know, watch some porn together. Or we'll roleplay. Like, think about where you want to be sexually. If you don't know, listen to the show together. I'll give you a lot of ideas. You can call me triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven.

Well, we have Kyle 21 in Texas who wants to know how he can better communicate with his girlfriend because she feels uncomfortable opening up. Okay, hey Kyle, thanks for calling. Hey Emily, what's up? Hey Kyle, I'm good. All right, so your girlfriend doesn't want to talk about sex, huh? good. Alright, so your girlfriend doesn't want to talk about sex, huh? Um, yeah, it makes her pretty much like so uncomfortable and I've tried, but it's like, it's almost so important. I mean, I love her to death. It's like, she's stubborn and like won't she'll just back off completely shut down almost, you know? Yeah, no, I get it and she's 21. Are she your age as well Kyle? Yeah, she's like about a year younger than me. Okay. I mean just so you know Kyle That's pretty typical that most women and most most people your age have never talked about sex

Could be here upbringing or parents that don't ever talk about it or don't have sexual marriage or we don't know what her messaging was But she just might not be ready yet to talk about you can't force people into it. And it could also be the way you're talking about it. What do you give an example of what you're trying to talk to about? How does that conversation go down? I mean, I'll just be like, so like, what would you like me to do or let, and, or something like that?

And she'll just say like a one or two word answer. Now try to keep it going maybe. And you're probably right. I'm probably enforcing it a little bit too much, which haven't really recognized. But yeah, so just be very, very short and like that's about it. Okay, well, Kyle, let me let you in a secret here. I used to be your girlfriend and the reason why she doesn't answer it when you ask her what she wants, because she doesn't know. So it takes a lot of learning for women and for men, but a lot of women, maybe she's never,

she really doesn't know because maybe she hasn't had that many partners, and even if she has, you know, women, we have to masturbate, we have to understand our bodies, our orgasm, we have to actually have enough years on the planet to have sexual experience to actually know what we want. So if you guys have been together for a while, she's 20 years old, she probably doesn't know. And I used to have guys ask me all the time and they'd say, how does this end? It wasn't until I was, Jesus, I don't know, my mid 20s or even late 20s, right? I actually really knew what I wanted, what felt good to me. And I had to like do that work.

So it probably kind of scares her because she feels inadequate that she hasn't ever answered for you. So if you really love your girlfriend Kyle, something to kind of say to her is like, I'd love to know what pleases you. Would you be open? You could ask her, has she ever masturbated? I think it's really hot.

Maybe we could do it together. Have you ever talked about that, Kyle? Not really, honestly, at a point where I'm almost scared to ask her that because I know she'll probably more than likely shut it down and you're probably right. She probably doesn't know what she wants yet because she's so, we're so young. Yeah, you guys are so young, Kyle, I'm telling you most people at your age do not know. And so that's why I think it's so great in your 20s, you know. You know, you have a girlfriend, you have boyfriend's being, but I don't think it's time to find your 20s, you know? You know, you have a girlfriend, have boyfriends, but I don't think it's time

to find your lover for the rest of your life. Find your person. I think it's time to like kind of figure out your body, explore, be honest with just experienced new partners. And if you want to stay with her, I think you could just tell her, have her listen to my show, my podcast. This is what we talk about all the time.

She just might need a little bit more education around it, okay Kyle? And she might also not be where you're at. So give her that option to figure it out, okay? She'll get there, but maybe not on your watch. Completely agree. Okay. Yes, I'm, yeah, thank you so much.

You're so welcome Kyle, thanks for calling. Totally got it. I wish I had me with 21. Like, you know, it's like, I get it, I didn't know. Yeah, I had you at 22, so it's close. You did do, you did. I was doing it. Yeah, you had me at 22, right? No, but I get it He's like, Oh, I can't I totally see the whole thing out that could be frustrating for him

And now you know you got it you guys people don't know your partners don't know and they might be in their 30s and not know But we in their 40s and not know All right guys Thanks for listening to the show for giving me five stars wherever you listen to the show and subscribing and sharing it with a friend because hey, we all need some more sex. Talk, don't we? Sex information. Thank everyone for listening.

Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you