Sex With Emily - Butt First, Try Solo Anal

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Let’s talk solo anal. You may be looking around right now, wondering why anal play is so trendy, and thinking to yourself: “is this actually for me?” But before you jump into the anal deep end with a partner, I’ve got a pro tip: try anal with yourself! On today’s episode, I’m talking through all the positive reasons to explore anal with yourself, no matter what genitals you’ve got. I’m also busting common anal myths and giving you step-by-step tips for exploration based on your anatomy. I’m talking all things toys and insertion for beginners to advanced anal players. Tune in for your solo anal play primer, and keep listening to hear me answer all your booty Q’s.Show Notes:Flow With It: How to Have Period SexSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)b-Vibe Vibrating Jewel Plugb-vibe Anal Training KitAneros Mgx Syn Trident Prostate MassagerLELO Loki Wave Prostate Massager VibratorLumen LED Pleasure PlugPjur Original Silicone LubricantPjur Backdoor Relaxing Anal Glide LubricantArticle: Double The O, Double The Pleasure: How to Have Blended & Multiple OrgasmsYes, No, Maybe List & Other GuidesPlaydrop Sex Mat (code EMILY10 for 10% off + bonus play rag)ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSex With Emily: HomeMore Sex With Emily: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTokMatch App: Apple App Store | Google PlayMorgasm CBD Arousal Lubricant (code EMILY for 15% OFF sitewide) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The second myth I see is that anal is a casual thing to ask for during sex. Hey, you down for anal? It's not. That's why I'm doing a whole episode on solo anal play. Now listen, certain porn may give you the impression that anal is just another sex act on the menu. They make it look so easy and porn. Right?

They're just like, oh my god, are they having anal? How'd they do that? But let's be clear about this. I am pro anal play if it calls to you and it's not something you can just roll over and do without any preparation. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Alright, it's solo anal time. I'm giving you reasons to try it even if you're skeptical. Busting all those anal myths, giving you practical steps to explore no matter your gentles and answering all of your booty questions. Alright, let's play. Please rate

and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show. My new article, Flow With It, How To Have Period Sex, is Up On Sex with Emily.com. Before we get into today's episode, I have something to share with you, something I'm really excited about that I've been working on for a really long time, and it's all come together. And this is it, that's the first time I'm talking about it, and I'm telling you. Ready? I'm so excited to formally announce that my new online store shop with Emily is live.

I've always wanted to do this. So in the last almost 20 years, you do know that I've tried literally every single toy out there, every lube, every game, every candle, every sex accessory on the planet has come my way. Like I get like 20, 25 pounds of sex toys delivered to my office a month for many, many years. So this store, it's a curated online store of all my top favorites, my go-to's, what I actually use and what I love and what I recommend to you. I've been doing this for a long time and to be honest, it's not just my Volvo anymore.

I have a team, I have other people who try things just so you know. Because remember, we all want different things, but I have such confidence behind everything that's in my store. And you know, stores often have those staff picks. Think of shop with Emily as one big selection of staff picks. It's got everything. It's got loobs and plugs and vibes and couples toys and candles and games and sex drives and meets everything.

It's literally everything you need for a pleasure filled life. You get free shipping on orders over $69. I'm guessing you won't forget that number. And we ship with the script packaging all over the United States. And when you go to our website, sexwithelmie.com, you can click on the shop button at the top and it just takes you easily to our online store or just go straight to shop.sexwithelmie.com.

And in today's episode, I'll be sharing to my favorite toys for booty play and you can find them all in my online store. So let's go shopping and let's have fun. After the break, let's get into this episode. I want to talk about solo anal play today. Cause here's a thing, everyone can enjoy it. And as time goes on, I am seeing more of you get curious about anal play, but then you're not exactly sure where to start, which I get.

So there's great news about this, you can explore this exact act entirely on your own. Now maybe you're already totally down with anal stimulation, and if so, that's great. I'm so glad that you are love and anal play. But for many people, it can take a beat just to get totally comfortable with it. And that's because psychologically, you're teaching your mind to receive a new set of sensations. And physically, you're also training this muscle group

to relax into pleasure. There's like a whole lot going on with anal sex. There could be some stigmas or some shame around it. There's a lot. So today I'm going to discuss great reasons for you to try solo anal, myth surround anal that I'm going to bust plus how to get started including tools and supplies for anal that are a must. All right everyone, let's get into it. Reasons to try solo anal. No matter what set of genitals you have, there's so much pleasure to be had by adding anal to the menu.

So for penis owners, you've got a prostate gland. It's a walnut shaped gland located about two inches inside the rectum and seemingly it can feel amazing and even lead to a prostate orgasm. Now you can think of a prostate orgasm as similar to a G-spot orgasm for vulva owners. It's internal, it's super intense, it's very deep and gives you more about full body orgasm. And here's a fun fact. You don't even need to be erect to stimulate your prostate or even to orgasm. And it helps with erections too, so if you're not erect, you know, you might want to stimulate

your prostate and see if you get erect. So, there's lots of ways to play. You can also pair prostate massage with your regular masturbation routine for the holy grail of pleasure, a blended orgasm. And I've got a fun article on my site that talks about blended orgasms, double the O, double the pleasure, how to have blended and multiple orgasms. You can totally check that out if you're curious and we will link it in the show notes. And for vulva owners, here's a deal.

An anal orgasm is a climax achieved by stimulation of high-density nerve spots in the anus. Plus, there are shared nerves that go from the anterior wall of the rectum to the vagina. And some people say that the clitoral legs even extend all the way back into the anus. This is a call for more research on the vagina and on anal sex. So for vulva owners, it may be possible to have it orgasm from anal play, even though they don't have a prostate. Again, the anus alone is packed with nerve writings, including the pudental nerve, which is a major pleasureful nerve in the pelvic area, and carries sensation to your vagina, your labia, your clitoris.

So stimulation of this nerve-ending during anal sacs or any kind of anal play stimulates these nearby rodent zones and might just help you reach orgasm. But it's not all about orgasm. It's also about pleasure and exploration and just being open seeing what else feels good on my body. Oh, and by the way, something else cool, inserting an anal plug, our butt plug, as we call it, like the B-Vibrating Jewel plug,

which you can totally find in my site, and it's really cool and beautiful, it changes the angle of your vagina. So a little bit of anatomy, the vagina is a muscular tube leading from the labia to the cervix. Tissues in the labia and the vagina lose collagen over time, which causes the vaginal angle to flatten and become less steep.

Now why does this matter? Well a flatter vaginal angle can mean less friction against the front wall of the vagina during intercourse, and that's the key because that's where your g spot is or your g area. And it can also mean that there's less contact with the clitoris during intercourse. So, putting in an anal plug during intercourse or masturbation can be so helpful and essentially it allows you to reach more of the hotspots that are going to make you feel so good.

But even if you're young and none of the tissue loss applies just yet, having an anal plug in while you masturbate wakes up more sexual nerve endings. It gives you the power to deeper, more intense orgasms. So, I'm talking about here is options, right? Trying out different areas and see what feels good. And if you're masturbating and you just want to quick, literal orgasm, that's fantastic.

But, if you want to experiment, an anal organism feels like pleasurable contractions around your sphincter. And if you pair that sensation with a literal organism, wow, now you'll be feeling something totally different. So now you see getting comfortable with anal penetration as all kinds of pleasurable benefits. But honestly, there's one more huge benefit in my eyes and that is body acceptance. Now, I talk about this a lot in my book, Smart Sex, the power of self acceptance.

It really is powerful because there is so much shame associated with our anuses. Now, we make jokes about it and people think it's gross or people say, oh, God, anal's the one thing I'll never do or I can't believe people do anal. So when you try anal on your own, you're giving yourself the opportunity to associate this region with something totally new, and that's pleasure. That's what I think is one of the most powerful aspects of anal play.

It teaches you that this too is worthy of self-love. This part of your body of all parts can bring you so much pleasure. So if you can get comfortable giving yourself pleasure via something laden with so much shame, well, that's liberation. Alright, those are all great reasons you might want to try solo anal. Now I'm busted anal myths and giving you all practical tips to exploring anal play on your own. Alright, the first myth I want to address is this. If your penis owner and you want to try

anal penetration or anal play, it means something about your sexuality. Listen, your sexuality is based on so much more than enjoying one specific physical sensation. Let's say you like vegetables. Does that automatically make you a vegan? No, it's just someone who likes a good salad. Not to reduce your sexuality to a

salad, but let's just say this. The kind of people you want to sleep with, now that defines your sexuality, but where you want to be penetrated and where it feels good to be touched has nothing to do with defining your sexuality, okay? And remember this, all sexualities are valid and beautiful and go far beyond certain sex acts. But because I get questions about this one all the time, I just want to say once and for all, if you're trying anal for the first time and are worried this will somehow change your sexuality, it won't. You can be a guy who likes anal penetration and still be fundamentally into women.

Full stop. And remember, this goes for yourself and for your partner. I know a lot of this can be confusing. Maybe you are a vulva owner sleeping with a penis owner and you might have some judgments around this as well. So there's just a lot of realized about shame in all these areas and a lot of us, it's not just society. So as we shame our partners and we didn't realize we're doing it. So just take a moment here and be conscious that when your partner is really something to you or want to try something new and we want to celebrate what they're into, don't jump on the shame train. There's enough shame as it is, all right? The second myth I see is that anal is a casual thing to ask for during sex. Hey, you down for anal? It's not. That's why I'm

doing a whole episode on solo anal play. Now listen, certain porn may give you the impression that an anal is just another sex act on the menu. They make it look so easy and porn. Right? They're just like, oh my god, are they having anal? How'd they do that? But let's be clear about this. I am pro anal play if it calls to you, and it's not something you can just roll over and

do without any preparation. There's literal muscle training involved with your sphincter. So if you're ever in a casual sex context with a new person, please know that asking for anal right off the bat probably isn't the best move. What you can do and what I encourage you to do is plant a seed and ask if they'd ever be down to explore that sometime. Are they into anal play? What are their thoughts on it?

Make it consensual and make it respectful as always. And for the receivers, we don't want any charity anal out there, right? Don't just give it up because you're like, well, you know, they ask nicely or I might as well do it. No, listen, both people have to be on board. Both have to get something out of it. I remember if you have a penis, please be careful about where you're putting it in. Oops, wrong hole and just slipping it in is not consensual. It's not cool. It's just no way to go about handling this. Okay. So let's all breathe, go slow,

ask for consent. And use loop. Always use loop. We'll get into that too. For a lot of Volvo owners, the other reason why they might not be into anal play is because they had a really bad first time experience, meaning it got slipped in by a mistake. there was no consent, they just said yes, there was no lube, they were really drunk, I heard these stories all the time. So what I'm inviting you to do in this episode is to re-examine your relationship to your A-ness and see if with consent and with information it might be something you'd be willing to try under better conditions. The final with I see is something along the lines of, it's just not my thing, and never will be.

Okay, heard, I see you. Maybe this sex act isn't for you, I get it. But I'm listing it as a myth, because I think a lot of people feel this way until they try it. So if you're skeptical, I encourage you to explore once on your own. And at the very least, you'll be able to make an informed decision. And you're going one step further toward body acceptance. All right, don't knock it till you try it once.

Speaking of exploration, all right, let's get into it. How do we do it? How to do solo anal play? What is it? Okay, the first thing I want to touch on is the concept of anal training. Just like you wouldn't pop right into the splits

without stretching your hamstrings first, the same applies to your sphincter muscles. So you wanna get used to the feelings of a sensation of having something inside you. So while you're masturbating and you're already getting yourself off, then you wanna take a very clean hand, maybe have some wipes by the bed, trimmed fingernails,

and lots of lube, and and slowly stick a finger inside you. It can be a pinky or a pointer finger and feel what it's like inside your own anus. How does it feel to have something inside of you? Move your finger around. You can even just take some lube and rub around your sphincter muscles before you go inside just to warm it up. In fact, that's what I recommend for all anal play is starting on the outside, maybe massaging your butt cheeks, and then just, you know, moving inside slowly, starting

with the anus, and then you put a finger inside. Slowly, and see how that feels. What does it feel like to have something inside of you? You could experiment with two fingers, and then you know, are you into it? Are you not? So you can use your fingers, but I highly recommend you look into an anal training kit of different size plugs, like the B5 anal training kit, which you can find on our site. What it does is it gradually tones your sphincter muscles,

little by little. No, you're not gonna stretch out your rectum for good. What you are doing is inserting a very small plug just getting used to it. And when you're ready, inserting a slightly larger plug. I mean, that's the deal with anal trinicates. You're slowly increasing the pliability of your sphincter muscles a tiny bit at a time. And what I'd love

about this B-Vib anal trinicate is it comes with a great guide on anal sacs. It comes with an enema and a lube shooter. Which is so cool because you know you always need lube for any anal play. So basically you put lube in it and you shoot it up into your anus. It's very cool. It's a fun party trick, even if it's a party of one. And remember, I want you to give yourself time with this process, especially if you're brand new to anal. It can take weeks to work up to an averageized dildo or prostate massager.

Don't forget it. And remember, there's also the psychological aspect. Anal training isn't just for your muscles. It's also for your mind. You are basically re-associating your brain with your butt and learning that insertion can feel really, really good. So that's how everyone can start with their solo anal journey. I want to break the rest of my recommendations down by genitals, okay? So while there are many toys that work for all, some might be more appealing to you based on your anatomy. Let's talk to penis owners first. For beginners, I suggest non-vibrating prostate massagers. And for men, this is a more accessible option at first, because vibes might be so

stimulating because you've never tried it before and sometimes it's too stimulating. But these are nice because the insertion arm is long enough to reach your prostate gland and it fits in pretty easily. You'll see it sort of is shaped just like your prostate. What you get in a reminder is located about two inches inside your rectum. One of my favorites is the Nero's Tried at Prostate Massager. A Nero's, they make the most incredible prostate toys. I have been a huge fan of theirs for years, like they're just all about the prostate and they're a really cool company.

So basically with this toy, you control the stimulation with the movement of your own body. So this means you could insert one before your regular masturbation or even put one in during intercourse. And remember this, the anus is not self lubricating. So use lots and lots of lube and insert this toy slowly. Always looked for a flared base with your prostate

massager and truly, truly with all anal toys. We don't want to lose any anal toys inside of our rectum's team. You don't want to end up with ER. We don't want that for you. The next step is a vibrating prostate massager because once you get comfortable with insertion, move on to some vibration and see how you like it. Now, these are gonna stimulate pleasurable nerve ratings in your anus that are more internal, but the vibes are also gonna feel incredible on your prostate gland.

And once you love that, you can move up to a vibrating prostate massager that also vibrates the perineum, that nerve-ending rich area between your penis and your anus. You can almost think of it like a rabbit vibe for penis owners. And for this, I recommend the Loki Wave prostate massager vibrator by Leilo. It's so cool. It really does look like a rabbit vibe, but you're literally stimulating the prostate and

the perineum. It is such a cool product. Okay, at this point, you might be wondering, what's up with the prostate gland? Why is Emily so hot for me to stimulate it? Why is she talking about this so much? Well, it is packed with thousands of nerve-wreckings for one, but also the prostate helps propel semen from the penis because it's a muscular gland. It produces the seminal fluid found in a

ejaculate. So prostate massage also has legitimate health benefits, namely preventing or relieving prostate inflammation. So go for the health angle. Whatever makes you feel good about trying it. Okay, voila owners. And I mentioned anal training kits for everyone. So explore with your fingers and or you can start with just a basic anal plug. This will help you get used to the feeling of insertion. But both owners, once you're ready to try vibration, you don't necessarily need the length of a prostate massage or that's one toy that is specifically for people with a prostate.

But after you get comfort with an anal plug, you know you might want to step it up for intermediates. Maybe you already like anal sex altogether. Try a vibrating anal plug. I love the Lumen LED pleasure plug, which get this. It's so cool. It syncs its vibrations to ambient sounds, you know, like your favorite sexy playlist, or maybe a lover saying your name in bed. It's hot. You could also look for butt plugs in a small petite size if the idea of anal vibration excites you, there are many to choose from. I'm just going to keep saying this, you have to use a ton of lube. Keep reapplying it, no matter

what toy you're using. The anus is not self lubricating and we don't want to have tears, so we got to add a lot of lube. So silicone lube is great for penetrative sex with a partner. We've got some great options from Pure on our site. I do recommend silicone lube for anal play, but the challenge is they don't recommend that you use silicone lube with toys, okay? They say the silicone lube can break down silicone toys. I've been using silicone lube with toys for a long time

and I just really wipe them down and I haven't noticed any change in my toys. But I just wanna let you know what the manufacturers recommend is that if you're using toys, you stick with water-based lube. So basically what you're doing here is you're stimulating your pudental nerve region which connects to both your genitals and your anus.

So at that note, vulva owners, let's talk about your most advanced solo anal step. Ready? When you're masturbating, you can use a vibrating butt plug along with your regular sex toy. Now, this could be the vibrator you typically use on your clitoris or if you use an insertion toy. And what I want you to feel for as your clitorial orgasm comes on is what you feel happening

in your anus. You might feel contractions in your sphincter muscles as your literal orgasm happens. But no pressure, you're gonna take your time with this because this is all exploration. So don't make this a goal per se. I'm just kind of pointing out some things to look for here. Literal orgasm and anal orgasm at the same time

or contractions in your sphincter muscles, and your clitoris might happen, and that could feel amazing. But at the end of the day, what we're talking about is stimulate different regions of your pelvic floor, via your genitals or your anus. Okay, so now you've got some really fun reasons to try solo anal.

You bust at myths, you've got practical tools and tips for trying it out. But let's take a short break, and when we come back. I'm going to answer all of your anal questions. This is from Anne 58 in Los Angeles. Hey Dr. Emily, my partner has asked me several times now if I've tried anal panatracial with toys.

I have by myself and I cannot get my arms around to my back end. Do other women do this by themselves? I can see me flop around like a fish trying to insert an anal plug. It doesn't seem sexy to me. Help. Alright Anne, okay, let me hop you out here. Have you tried that reaching around but going up between your legs with the plug and maybe like having a mirror nearby so you can see

yourself inserting it and make sure you're getting into the right spot. However, I know this shows all about, you know, solo anal play, but sounds like your partner really is into you trying anal penetration. So maybe you could let him know that you have a toy and you want to try it out. Would he be willing to have the pleasure and the honor of doing it for you? You can ask him that and say, I've had one, I've played around with it a little bit, but I'd love for you to insert it and let's play together and see how that goes. If you're an able to do it yourself, just make sure that you're going slow, that you're

breathing, you're using lots of lube, and you guys are very close and you're checking in with each other, maybe you're being eye contact, and you're letting him know how it feels as he's gently inserting it inside of you, okay? So partnering will play his fun too. Go slow, breathe, use lots of lube, and communicate. This is from Kelly 56 in Seattle. Hey Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been happily married for 29 years.

Our sex life is great, but I'm looking to try some new things. Over the last year, we've started using toys. Awesome. And are having more open discussions. In my solo time, I started exploring my own S. I couldn't believe how good it felt. I bought a prostate massager and now I want to share that experience with her. How do I do that?

All right, well, I love that you are exploring on your own Kelly and I can't wait for you to share this with your wife. Now remember what we talked about in this show that a lot of people do have ideas around anal that aren't necessarily accurate or true, there's some shame and some stigma. So following my timing turf and tone

outside the bedroom, when you're on date night and into good place, you can just start to have a general conversation with your wife about your sex life. Talk about the things that you love about it and say, I'm wondering is there anything new you've been wanting to try? And then you can ask, like, would you be open to playing

with toys? See what she says. And then you can explain to her that you've been trying it on your own with the prostate massager and it feels really, really great. And you'd love to share the experience with her. Felt really great to you, which she'd be down. And then see how it goes. Now remember, I want you to prepare for the fact that she might have some concern.

She might understand it. The anus is dirty. What does that mean? Does that be that you want to be with men? You know, people have a lot of misunderstandings about this. So I just suggest you listen to the show together. Maybe you could rewind to the top of the show and play it for her. I want to remind everybody that a lot of couples listen to this show together and then they find it as a great jumping off place to talk about their own sex life. So I highly

recommend listening to sex only with your partner. Anyway, Kelly, that's what I recommend you do. I know you've been together for 29 years and I don't want you to have to be in the dark With something that makes you feel good. So start having the conversations with her and let me know how it goes This is from Josh 32 in Texas. Hey doctor Emily long-time listener about six months ago my girlfriend I did your yes-no Maybeless which by the way you can all download for free on our website Aino was a maybe on both of ours. Since then, every few weeks or so, we discuss it. We start out with Aino Rimming,

which by the way is Likin kissing, sucking the Aino's for pleasure, and she seems to really enjoy that. A few months later, she tried her first butt plug by herself. Other than that, we've just done things around the Aino's. We have read your dos and don'ts list and the easing into anal blog, but she still seems to be extremely worried about a mess in regards to any penetration and what prep she needs

to do. I reassured her that a mess is okay if it does happen. I even said that we don't have to try it, but she keeps saying she does, she just unsure on what prep needs to be done and worried about a mess. What else can I do to help her mentally prepare her ease her mind? I'm glad we're talking about this Josh because this is also one of the big concerns of what's keeping people from having anal. So here's how prep goes. First, I highly recommend that everyone's nails are trimmed and their hands are clean. As far as you know, having a mess, her going to the bathroom all over

the place, there's a lot of things you can do. First off, I think we all know when our bowels are full, when our bowels are empty, and we're all pretty good gauge of bowel cycle, right? And so, I mean, if you went out for a huge dinner and you had a lot of beans and rice and, and then you try eating like that wouldn't be the night. But if you know that you've had a regular bowel during the day, you should be fine. However, a lot of people's mind are put to ease when they do an enema. So you can go to the store and buy an enema, and usually sometimes it comes with vinegar inside, and I recommend that you empty that out

and fill it with warm water to use the enema. You put it inside you about an hour or two before, and that should empty everything out so she feels even more confident. Keep some wipes by the bed. You can throw a play drop down in your bed, which is basically a sex mat that is waterproof. It absorbs liquids. You can just throw it in the wash after, and you a sex mat that is waterproof. It absorbs liquids.

You can just throw it in the wash after and you don't have to worry about any mess at all. Okay, you could also try it in the shower with a bottle of a silicone lube right there by your side, but I think maybe the end of a might be for her. The thing that's going to make her feel a lot more comfortable, but it sounds like you guys are really close Josh. So thank you so much for this question because it's really an important one and I don't want the fear of mess to keep anybody from having a good time. And I want this episode to help all of you sort of alleviate any concerns so you can all move on to the fun part and that's a lot of

pleasure. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex With Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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