Sex With Emily - CAUTION: Sexual Roadblocks Ahead

Episode Date: February 13, 2021

Ever wonder why you’re not having more sex? Well, wonder no more. This episode identifies the 6 most common roadblocks to sex. Whether you’re too stressed to get too turned on or too self-conscious to get naked, we all have barriers that hold us back from sex and pleasure. In this episode, I’m sharing specific tips so you can overcome the most common sexual barriers.I also answer your questions including what to do if your wetness level is inconsistent during sex, the relationship between OnlyFans and cheating, how to handle a jealous partner, and what to do if your partner has a fetish but lockdown has made it more challenging.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

[♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Desire and arousal, it doesn't just hit you over the head. We don't just walk around and you're going to be all of a sudden in the mood. I encourage you to look at your arousal cycles and think about what really gets you in the mood and make an effort to work on that anxiety and the stress. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right everyone, welcome to the show. If you're a new listener, I'm so glad you're here. We have so many episodes about all the questions that you have about sex. You can always email me, feedback at sexwithemley.com or check out our website. You just refreshed it. You can send it through the Ask Emily form there.

All right, today's show. I'm encouraging you to look at what's been holding you back from having sex. So I'm going to identify six roadblocks that are holding you back from being sexual. I mean, maybe you're too stressed or anxious or taking a medication that's dampened your libido. Maybe you don't want your partner to see you naked. Well, in this episode, I'm sharing practical tips on how you can overcome some of those common barriers to sex.

We all have our unique roadblocks, but I want us all to get into the growth mindset around sex. I'm also answering your direct questions about what to do if your wetness level is inconsistent during sex. The relationship between watching porn and cheating, how to handle a jealous partner and what to do if your partner has a fetish, but lap down has made it super challenging to fulfill his fantasy. All this and more. All right, intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. So what I mean is when you're listening,

what do you want to get out of this episode? It could be, wow, yeah, I've been really stressing just lately and I don't want sex. How do I get in the mood again? Well, my intention is to lay out the roadblocks and see if you recognize yourself in any of them because remember, you all deserve pleasure. All right, enjoy the show. Before I get into your questions, I want to talk about the roadblocks to sex. What is getting in your way of being turned on, wanting to be with your partner, or even wanting to be with yourself. Hey, masturbation is sex with someone you love.

So I identified some common roadblocks, but first, I have an email, and this is what got me thinking about it. This is from Owen 28, Ireland. Hey, Emily, I'm a new listener to your show, all the way from Ireland, and I love it. Do you have any advice for me? I've been with my partner almost nine years. We've been together since we finished school and I love her dearly. However lately, our lack of sex has really started

to play in my mind. The sex has been infrequent over the last 10 years and lately it's just been less and less. I am deeply in love with her. She's my best friend. We have a great relationship outside the bedroom. And for years, she's told me our sex life will be better once we have our own place and now we moved into our own place since last October. And we've hardly had sex

10 times. We've talked so many times about it. I've done what you advised. I've expressed an honest, open calm matter that I'm just not happy with our sex life. I've bought toys with her consent. I've tried to encourage her to mutually masturbate. No luck. Outside the bedroom, she agrees to new things, but we never do them. We generally have sex in just a few positions. After every talk, she always says she's gonna make more of an effort, but nothing's changed.

I'm out of ideas. Anyhow, we'd be greatly appreciate it. Thanks, Owen. All right, Owen, here's why this hit me. You've tried a lot of the things that I suggest all the time. Have communication with your partner outside the bedroom. Try to find out what she's into, experiment with toys,

and she's still finding herself not in the mood for sex. So this got me thinking, because I get so many emails from you. You know, this thing about mismatch, libido's, one partner wants more, the other partner wants less. It's very common in relationships. So I thought I wanna point out here,

here are the six common roadblocks to sex, and what you can do about them. See if you recognize yourself or your partner. Number one, body image, insecurities, self-esteem, those negative beliefs about ourselves, whether it's performance or know, performance or appearance, that keeps us, do you realize it? How much worrying about your body and how you look in the bedroom

keeps you from being present sexually? It just keeps us in this self-sabotaging loop. Now, you know, we've all had moments, right? Sometimes we're worried about our body weight, I know that men are often worried about their penis size. If you want to know how I feel about that, you talk about a lot on the show, but your penis is great the way it is. We worry that our bodies are lacking, no matter what the body part is.

And let me tell you about this about our body shape. These are internal messages that we've subscribed to ourselves. We started telling ourselves these messages. They'll, yes, maybe you had somewhere in your past that shamed you, that is true, we've evolved, had moments maybe that people didn't make us feel good, but now as an adult, you get to change that message. So you might be leaving, I am bad because of your body.

If you think that you are bad because of your body, that steals joy and then it has you searching for external validation, which is like a joy zapper. Maybe you like sex in the dark or you keep your bra on or you don't want to take a shower with a partner. I mean, every time we set this barrier up with a partner that's keeping us from sex, we're keeping ourselves from intimacy and we're keeping ourselves from pleasure.

So how do we break the cycle of our self-esteem and not loving our bodies? I'll say it again, stop following people on Instagram and make you feel bad. Put the boundaries around the messages that we're seeing. Now, this is a process. It doesn't mean that you wake up one day and you're like, I love my body. Think of it more like body neutrality than even body love.

Look for positive, healthy examples of ourselves to reinforce the process of undoing the damage by society and others. And then you get to follow healthy people who emulate healthy beauty standards. I'm going to give you an exercise. It's called an exposure exercise where you can walk around naked, give yourself a loving massage, look in the mirror, sleep naked, walk around naked, give yourself a loving massage, masturbation, masturbation, sex with someone you love.

Once you start to masturbate in a healthy way, and I often have to encourage well-being owners to do this more than penis owners, but once you learn how to give yourself an orgasm, start to learn to realize how incredible your body is. Refrain your body from a loving perspective. I want you to stand in front of the mirror and if you're looking at all these things that you hate about your body, I'm going to encourage you to say, huh, my neck, I like my neck, I like my hair, I like my left knuckle. Replace the negative self-talk with positive messages.

You can journal about it. You can keep notes in your phone, because remember this, every single time we put up a barrier with our partners, we're just reinforcing a cycle of body negativity, and this is what's keeping you from feeling sexual, feeling sexy, and being in your body. All right, number two, stress and anxiety. Who's not stressed these days? Am I right?

We've all had experiences where we are. Super stress or anxious. You know, it could be work or money or job or family. And what happens is when we're stressed and anxious, we experience more of a tightness in our body and it literally stops the blood flow, especially if we're in our head, we're worrying and we're spinning and we're not connected to our body

and quite literally to our genitals. Think of it this way. If you're in your head worried and anxious, the blood's rushing away from your genitals and going right to your head. And then that keeps us from being confident in our bodies, being intimate with our partners, makes it harder to orgasm. So how do you deal with anxiety? Now, you've heard all the anxiety tips, right? People tell you to meditate, to eat healthy, you don't get better sleep, better exercise. All of that's important. I think we all have to figure out ways to work on our anxiety. And I can tell you, I don't think it ever goes away. We'll have periods that were more anxious and less anxious. But the important thing is to remove this block. So what I want you to do for the anxiety and stress

when it comes to sex, start to prioritize the sex life you have with your partner. How important is it if you're realizing now that stress and anxiety is keeping you from sex? And that's important to you. Do some research on your own and think about, when am I really turned on? When with the last three times you've had sex

that I was in the mood, what was happening before that? What was the sex life that we were having that was the most enjoyable? And then think about it, maybe you were really relaxed. Maybe you had a massage right before. Maybe you got back from a great workout. Maybe you'd been eating healthy for a while and you were feeling more in your body.

Maybe you guys were on vacation. Maybe that tells me you need some time with to get away, get a hotel room, desire and a rousal, it doesn't just hit you over the head. We don't just walk around and you're gonna be all of a sudden in the mood. So if you're someone who's highly anxious, highly stressed, I encourage you to look at your arousal cycles

and think about what really gets you in the mood and make an effort to work on that anxiety and the stress. Number three, the media. Okay, the media rarely shows accurate depictions of intimacy. Think about it. Even in Hollywood movies, it skips right over the foreplay, right over the safe sex. And a lot of these scenes really show consent, the starting and stopping, the funny power to sex, when you get a cramp and porn.

I mean, don't get me started on porn. I said they're looking at porn and going, that is just nowhere near reality. It's not teaching us how to be great lovers, maybe it's making us feel bad about our bodies, and it's just not helpful. So in this case, I want you to just take a look and think, am I watching media, television? Do I find people on Instagram that make me feel less than? Do I have a depiction about sex that's actually accurate? I encourage you to do your own research and to start looking around for more accurate representations of sex. Start talking to your partner and creating

your own sexual movies. I don't mean making a sex take, but you could do that. But think about, could I read a rhodica to my partner? Could we read it to each other in the bathtub? Could we actually find some porn that feels good to me? Could we find some scenes? Could we find some things that depict people that look like me, that act like me, and don't make me feel less than? So it really just comes down to education.

How can you educate yourself on what realistic sex looks like? Again, listening to this podcast is a great start. Listening to it with your partner. Do you know how many couples tell me that they listen together? And it's sort of been a mini sex therapy slash turn on and it's changed the trajectory of their sex life.

All right, the next one, number four, shame. Shame, shame, shame. If you grew up in a home where it was a loaded topic in your family, or maybe you heard the messages that sex is just for marriage, that's all you need to know, these are not helpful messages, or maybe you were slut-shamed,

or maybe people told you that, you know, good girls don't have sex. Sexual shame is not just a religious issue, but it happens in a lot of religious communities. And then what we see is people grow out of these communities, even if you're not practicing their religion or living under your parents' roof, it's going to stick with you,

because if you've been hearing a message your entire life as a child, you know, you're only got to wait for marriage and sex is only for procreation. You bet that when you start having sex, it doesn't mean that all that early messaging and wiring is just gonna go out the window, that you're all the sun going to know how to be a great lover and you're gonna be able to switch this mindset. And such if you had education that was absent only, God our education's bad. So what I recommend if you're checking yourself and you're like, wow, yeah, you know what? Hmm, that sounds like me.

I just, I don't feel good when I have sex. I actually feel worse after. I don't even feel sexual. How do you own block that? Well, if you're struggling with sexual shame, how you overcome it is start by having empathy for yourself, not rejecting yourself. Make this decision. How do you want to be sexual? What does that actually look like to you? What is it how important it's sex to you? Are you understanding now is an adult who can make your own decisions

that maybe the earlier messages you heard didn't serve you? Because then you can come from a place of information rather than ignorance. And I don't mean that in a derogatory way, but you simply were not given accurate information. I grew up without accurate information. So many of us, you know, we just go off and start having sex.

And maybe we learned one or two things in sex ed or you know, worse yet, we had some negative conditioning around it. How are we supposed to know? So check your messages around sex. Check what still serves you and if it doesn't serve you, get rid of it. So we're on blocking it by deciding that you want to get educated around sex.

Read books. Again, listen to this podcast. And I believe that it's only when a person accepts their sexuality as an aspect of themselves. That's important. And that's something that's an external thing. That's when you can truly begin to heal from the shame. That's the only way it's gonna promote your sexual health and values.

It's gonna help your life, your relationship, and your soul. I mean, sex is spiritual. Remember this too. Bridey Brown says this so well. The antidote to shame is having empathy and compassion for ourselves. Because if you're not gonna give it to yourself, who is?

Number five is trauma. Any kind of sexual trauma, assault, sorry to say that is going to impact our ability to give and receive pleasure and to really be in our bodies for a full sexual experience. When we experienced a trauma, even if it was years ago, it doesn't go away. And in fact, over time, trauma can exacerbate and it can really have an impact on our ability

to be a rouse and turned on by our partner. And our trauma can be triggered by so many things. Our sense is, it could be, you touch something or you smell something or words. I mean, those are all a part of intimacy. Also, if you've had a trauma and you feel that that is something that's holding you back, if you're with a trusted loving partner, I would share that with them. I would let them know that when certain sex acts happen, or you see certain things, that it triggers you and it makes you feel that you can't be sexual.

Listen, we're only as sick as our secrets. So my advice is therapy. I recommend trauma therapy. You could try a somatic-based therapy, or EMDR therapy, which is eye movement, desensitization, reprocessing. It actually helps you rewire your brain around a certain traumatic experience.

You can find more about it at mdria.org that's EMDRIA.org. And finally, the final roadblock, your health and medications. I don't know why we go on medications and doctors don't tell us that there's going to be side effects. And it oppressions. There could be a side effect that's going to dampen your libido to lay orgasm. Causes our hormones fluctuate. Maybe you wanted the birth control pill.

And they didn't tell you. Medications, you side effects, I'm telling you, if you have a side effect from a medication, you do not have to live that way. I understand if you were not at a present, and now you feel happy, but you don't want to have sex, that's something we can work on. Go back to your doctor and let them know

you're having a side effect, no matter what the medication is. There's so much they can do right now so you don't just have to say, well, I've got some on a medication. I'm never going to have an orgasm again. No, you don't have to live that way. And remember when we eat well, we exercise, we meditate, we take care of our bodies, we're going to be more in the mood for sex. It just works that way. We're going to have better blood flow. So I encourage you to look at these roadblocks. Didn't even speak to you. Have a growth mindset around sex. How can you pick just one of these and say, you know what?

I'm going to start to take the first step. So, going back to our email, Owen, when I was thinking of reading your email, is, listen to this with your partner. Can she identify any one of these that might be the reason? This is not to shame or make her feel bad, but she might not know why she doesn't want sex if people knew why they didn't want sex. They'd start having sex again. And I'm telling you, I hear it every single day,

you know, not just an Owen's email, but people who just don't understand why or their partner doesn't want it, they want it more than their partner. So check out these row blocks, share this with a friend, and I want us all to get into a growth mindset around sex. How can I grow just a little bit? Remember, nothing changes and happen overnight. Let me know if I spoke to any of your roadblocks here.

Of course, there's many of them, but I wanted to give you a jumping off point because that's what I do. I want to help you. All right, let me know. You can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. After the break, I'm talking to Sammy, whose husband loves when she gets haircuts, but she can't go to the salon due to lockdown. Let's talk to Sammy 36 in Ohio. Well, thank you for having me. I've been wanting to call for quite a while, but I just never got then there to do it.

So basically my husband has this. I guess you would call it a fetish because he gets really turned on when I get my hair cut. Like when I get it cut short. So over the years, I just kept getting shorter and shorter and then it finally got to like above and that's where it stayed. Well, COVID, obviously we couldn't get out.

So it started to grow back and I love it. My sister tells me how great it looks and I know he wants me to get it cut and that's always been like, I guess you would say it kind of like a part of our sex life just because I knew, oh, I get a haircut, we're going to have awesome sex. So I just don't know what to do. Wow, Sammy, okay, this is so interesting. So would you actually work classifying it as a fetish, right? Because it's actually a requirement for him to get turned on.

I know. I guess I would say a fetish because it's like, it was something you did for a long time, obviously. He just like, oh, with your haircut, then finally, I figured it out. So it's definitely going to be a fetish because no lie in consideration, like I can get my haircut and right, right then it's just you can see it in his eyes when he watches me get my hair cut.

So I get it. Watches you get it. Yeah, no, that sounds like it. So Sammy, here's a few things. How do you feel about it? So it never really bothered you before. Just that now you're realizing we actually can't do that. Or do you like your hair?

Right. So yeah, it never bothered me. And when I found out, like to me, it was awesome just because when you care about somebody and you have that, like he is 100% my soul mate. And when he gets excited, it makes me excited. So I loved it. But now I'm just kind of back to school

because I want to let my hands throw out. It's been short for so long. Yeah. But I just don't. Okay. Well, here's the first thing that came to my mind, Sammy. What if you got a wig and you got a bunch of really cool wigs? Oh, you're good.

Yeah. It's a fact. You can call. I mean, Sammy, you could even get hot sexy wigs. You could get all different colors. You get long ones, short ones, curly ones. And then you could even get hot sexy wigs. You could get all different colors. You get long ones, short ones, curly ones. And then you could even dress the part. And not only are you getting your hair cut,

but you show up in this wig, then you could get a haircut. You could have a friend cut it, or he could cut it maybe. And then it doesn't matter. But yeah, that's what I think. And now it becomes all, yeah, let's do that. He could even be the barber and cut your hair. And then he never knows who you're gonna show up as. So that let's do that. He could even be the barber and cut your hair. And then

he never knows who you're going to show up as. So that's what I appreciate. Yeah, make it a whole thing. Okay. That would make the difference. Yeah, I think so too. You have to call me back though, Sammy. That's the only thing because I need to know this, how he out this goes. I'm very curious about it, but I think you could even take them up a level. And how you present it is, I've got a great idea, babe. Like you got to go into it like full on. Like I'm going to one night, I'm going to be a blonde because I'm a brunette.

I don't know what color your hair is. But I always said, and I'm telling you, you see, I had a woman once, I was at Bloomingdale's and I'll never forget this day was she was probably like 65 years old. And I remember sitting there and I said to her, I'm a sex therapist, she says, you know what? I've got a piece of advice for you and I said watch, she goes, my best sex advice for you is to get a wig. And I was like, well, what do you mean?

I want to hear more, she goes, because when you put a wig on, you're a different persona and anyway, I think that just says a lot about like playing a different character. You might feel different too, Sammy. So anyway, try it out. Let me know how it goes. I will absolutely call you back and let you know. Thank you so much. Okay, you're so welcome.

Have a great night. Thanks for calling Sammy. We have Gary 41 in New Jersey. Hi Gary, what's going on? How can I help you? Hi, how you doing? Hi, good. time, listener. Getting someone new about 12 years younger than me, sex has been good.

We get along great in person, together. And she's got issues over my Instagram. I'm big on social media, very into fitness, bodybuilding, very fit. I've got a lot of followers, I follow people in the industry, a lot of women in the industry, a lot of fitness girls. And she's very jealous over that. She's freaking out now, so I'm a pig. I don't want to see with someone like that. It's respectful to me. You like the pictures. I'm liking it for the health, you know, the fitness aspect. Yeah. She's an awesome jealousy. Of course. Well, that's her own thing that she's bringing to the table. How long have you guys been together? Almost three months. Okay. And she's 12 years younger.

So she's in her 20s, you're 41. You know, there's a thing. This is very common. I think we need a name for this right now because this is a condition that's happening because you remember back in the day, you wouldn't know who your partner was. There wasn't anything like this. You didn't know who they found her, who they, whatever, but you're doing it for work, but she's got some other insecurities that aren't coming from you. I'm sure she showed up like this, right?

Maybe she was cheated on by a past partner. Maybe her dad cheated on her mom. She has some genuine mistrust. Yeah, that did happen. Her dad did get on a mom. Okay, so she doesn't trust me. She divorced. And that's the work that she has to do. You're not doing anything wrong. Her dad did get under mom. Okay. So she doesn't trust me. She divorced. And that's the work that she has to do.

You're not doing anything wrong. It's part of your business. It's part of your, I would ask her, Gary, besides unfollowing everybody, what does she need from you to feel safe? Now, she could be saying unfollow these people. But you could say besides that, because it's business, you can't just,

if I have followed all my other sex educator friends they'd be pissed they'd be like why aren't you following me like I get it it's part of community it's part of what we do it's part of our business having an Instagram having social media so so she's got a business no problem I'm in finance is my career okay I'm very into working out compete state champions it's not and coach people on the side right I've been trying to build a brand. It's not a banding or branding. You have a branding.

Exactly. Exactly. It doesn't matter if you're a business or a brand or a paying your rent. It's what you love. I get it. It's building a brand right now and we do what we got to do. What I'm saying is you really like her. It's still really new, Gary.

It's only been a few months during a pandemic and she's showing you who she is. I'm not sure that you're going to be able to convince her because if it's not the Instagram, it might be something else. You didn't call me, you were flirting with the wait step. I mean, has she done any therapy around this? Is she gone to therapy and realize that these are her wounds from her childhood?

I mean, because you can't, I mean, unless you love her so much that you wanna unfollow all these people and stop having active life on Instagram. You know, some people do that in their cheating, right? Their partners find the DMs, they find the things and then that is a problem, but I just think coming in after two and have three months together and saying you, you're going to cheat and you're a name calling. And also to do what she's doing to protect herself because she's scared and she probably really likes you.

Again, this is nothing to do with you, but to protect herself because she's scared and she probably really likes you. Again, this is nothing to do with you, but maybe you could help her see that. But if she's got her my made up and this is a deep wound, you could just say, what else can I do to make you feel safe? Is there anything else you need from me? Because I don't, I mean, what do you want to do, Gary?

I mean, would you be willing to, I'm sure she's going to say unfollow everybody. Would you be willing to do that? Which I've started doing, I thought I did it now in block, but it's the Instagram saying you physically are a bot in your machine and blocking me now from doing anything. Oh, yeah, they do that. Well, that's really sweet that you did that, but you, it's not about you. It's a mutual, it's emotional maturity.

So all I'm saying is she sounds like she's very controlling. I mean, if someone told me to stop following people are liking things, I would feel that was a sense of control. If I wasn't doing it, if I was like really invested in the relationship, it's just so frustrating because you're both coming at it with values that are very different or expectations. She expects that all men are cheaters. You're not that guy. So yeah, yeah. So I was trying to tell you're putting your past, you're putting your passion punching me for it. That's right. And she just say, no, it's just respect for you giving attention to other women when you're with me by liking their pictures. And like she stalking me on Instagram stalking everything. Well, it sounds frustrating, Gary,

and I would have a talk with her. Just remember my tips for easy communication, timing, tone, and term. Hopefully she can work through the issues at the root of that jealousy. Thanks for calling. I haven't done this in a while, so I thought it was time because we get so many incredible emails from all of you

that you send to feedback at sexwithemily.com. And I love hearing from you, and lately we've been doing a lot of calls, and I thought, I gotta get into your emails. So if you want to send me an email, you can send one through our website or the feedback, and always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. And I'm cool if you change your name. No worries. This is from Shannon, 21 in Kansas.

Dear Dr. Emily, sometimes when I have sex with my boyfriend, my vagina stops getting wet. It'll start off wet, but midway through sex it starts feeling dry. I'll still feel turned on, but my vagina just isn't wet. My boyfriend will finger me beforehand, but sometimes not long enough. Could this be why?

My boyfriend doesn't do much for a plane general, but from time to time he will finger me for a good amount of time. But even if he does, it doesn't stay wet. What do I do? All right, Shannon. First, I think the problem is education. This is why I'm a huge proponent of loop. Get some loop. Just leave your loop out and just apply and reapply if you need to. Educate yourself in your partner and just know that using loop is protective first off because then you won't have any, you know, when we're dry, sometimes we tear and we can get infections.

Lava owners are more likely to orgasm when we use lube and I'm just a huge fan of it. And also our wetness level, while it's important, isn't always an indicator if we're turned on or not. And in fact, different times of month, maybe it's your cycle. We can be more wet at certain times and less so in others. Some were wet at the beginning of sex, but we're not wet at the end. Everything you're describing, I think, that many, many of all the owners have experienced. Your boyfriend, you know, while he's putting a finger inside of you, you might need some other

forms of arousal. You might need some kissing, and you might need some slow and dressing. Maybe oral sex would be great for you. Because for so many vulva owners, the magic is happening externally. So sticking a finger inside of you right away isn't necessarily going to be what's going to keep you turned on. You might need some light touching outside on your clitoris, your labia. You know, using his, he could put some a few drops of lube on his hands and start to rub you outside. Maybe that would really turn you on.

So I think it's a combination of understanding that lube is your safety, just have it there, and also explain to your partner that maybe you guys could experiment with other ways of pleasure and other ways of pleasing you, and then you get to learn when you're going to be turned on and most aroused. It's also not really safe for us to go right to penetration, whether it's for the finger or penis. Without a Volvo owner's use in patients, we need it to be slower, we want some care, and we don't want to just go from zero to penetration.

This is from Camryus and he is 30. Dear Dr. Emily, I've been a fan of the show for almost a year now and I've heard this topic come up before. Many do not consider porn as cheating but what about paying to see only fans content is that cheating. Okay, here's the thing about cheating. Every relationship, right? There's two of you in a relationship let's say you both get to decide what cheating is.

What constitutes cheating? Is it talking to someone about an intimate issue? I typically don't think that watching porn is cheating because masturbation is part of a rich and healthy sex life. But only fans is interesting because there's more interaction. If you're paying only fans and you're paying a particular performer to do something or

to interact with you, that sort of might be crossing the line. And if it's something that you're afraid to share with your partner, that leads me to believe that you yourself might not feel that great about it. What is it that you're getting from only fans that you don't think that you can get from your partner? So, again, I think that having a healthy conversation, if you're in a relationship with someone that you feel close and intimate with, it's so freeing to be honest, it's so freeing to be open and say, hey, I've got this only

fans account. And sometimes I flirt with this person and I pay some money to our account, but I want you to know that it fuels my fantasy and my desire for you even more. But I want you to know that it fuels my fantasy and my desire for you even more. So what it's doing for me is actually helping me be a better lover to you. So I think that this could be tricky for some people. Now there are people you could date that be like, do you? Boo, like pay for whatever you want. Our sex is awesome. I don't care what you do when we're not together.

So I think if you're asking me, you've got some guilt around it, then it might you might need to want to look at yourself and say, why am I paying for this? What am I getting from it? And is anything that I'm getting from this stranger, something that I could actually be getting from my partner? So take a look at yourself and take a look at the health and the honesty that's going on in your relationship. Alright, thanks for the email. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share

this with a friend or partner. Leave me if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good newsletter. So sign up at sexwithemle.com and don't forget to check out our blogs.

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