Sex With Emily - Chemistry vs Compatibility: Know the Difference

Episode Date: February 13, 2026

Whether you're questioning who you're attracted to or wondering why someone incredible on paper leaves you feeling nothing below the waist, you're not alone. In this episode, I unpack the messy, confusing space between wanting someone and wanting to build a life with them—and why those two things don't always line up. From a woman who's always identified as straight but can't stop fantasizing about women, to a listener who's been getting nothing but one-arm hugs after six dates, I get into the questions most people are too afraid to ask out loud. I also share what the science actually says about attraction—including why your post-gym crush might not be as real as it feels, and what your birth control could be doing to your "type." In this episode, you'll learn:  • Why putting a label on your sexuality might be the last thing you need to do right now—and what to try instead  • The conversation that can save you months (or years) of wondering where you stand with someone who won't make a move  • What to do when you and your partner are both waiting for the other person to take control in bed More Dr. Emily:  • Shop With Emily! Explore Emily’s favorite toys, pleasure accessories, bedroom essentials, and more — designed to support your pleasure and confidence. Free shipping on orders $99+ (some exclusions apply). • Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. • Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Head to sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply today! • Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. • The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure • Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website • Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube • Let’s text: Sign up here • Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Timestamps: 0:00 - Introduction  1:56 - The science of sexual attraction  5:01 - You can want someone without wanting to date them  6:12 - Surprising facts about who you're attracted to (and why)  9:19 - "Am I bisexual or do I just think women are hot?"  10:50 - The one-arm hug situation  15:25 - When your partner's meds killed your sex life  20:40 - 19 years married and ready to give up  25:31 - How to rekindle the spark after years together Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Remember that sex is play too. And sex comes from our eroticism and our imagination. And what it reveals to us is what we're curious about. So if you think of sex is just play, like, huh, I'm curious about hugging up with another gender or a different kind of person than I'm normally attracted to. And that's fun. That opens up your whole world. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So you've got a partner you love, someone you feel super attracted to and totally safe in their presence, but also a little bored? What do you do when things feel too safe? And how can you better understand your personal turn-on switches to make the romance more adventurous? Today's show is all about exploring the breakdown between sex and romance. You can totally want to have sex with someone and might not feel so romantic towards them, or you might have romance and feel lovy-dovey, but not in. necessarily want to have sex with them.

So by the end of today's episode, you'll better understand how and why you get aroused. So you can make any partnership more erotic and know which ones you just might never make erotic and that's okay too. Plus, I take your questions. What to do when you're straight, but kind of want to hook up in a non-straight way? What to do when you and your partner are both submissive and both crave dominance? How to bring back the spark and when you should hang on to a friend. with quality benefits and when to let them go.

Please rate and review Sex With Emily wherever you listen to this show. You can do it right now. It takes two seconds. It helps get the show out to more people. Thank you. I appreciate when you do that. You can also find me on all social media,

Instagram, YouTube, Twitter, TikTok, all the places. It's at Sex with Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Okay, so let's talk about one of my favorite ways to upgrade your solo or part of play. It is the Hera by Jeju. It's a sleek, powerful rabbit vibrator that's basically the best of both worlds. It's incredible for internal stimulation and those rumbly, mind-blowing clitter vibes Jeju is known for.

Here's what I love. The external ears are powered by the same motor as the Mimi, which you've heard me rave about before. I love the Mimi. And the internal arm delivers deep, satisfying vibrations right to your G-spot. It's super soft, ultra-quiet, and it moves with your body. So whether you're using it solo or with a partner, it has this feel like it's made just for you. And honestly, it's kind of a no-brainer. Everyone loves the Hara.

And right now, you can get 20% off the Hara using code Emily20 at sex withemly.com slash hera. That's Emily 20 for 20% off at sex withemly.com slash H-E-R-A. So if you've been looking for a toy that delivers powerful, blended orgasm with thoughtful design and serious quality, this is it. So go treat yourself. You deserve it. Okay, let's talk about sexual attraction. What exactly is it? And how important is it in a relationship? I think we can all agree we need to have some sexual attraction in the beginning, but it doesn't always last. And what to do when you have it with some people, but you don't have it with others. I could talk about this stuff all day long. And I think it's important because we've all been very, very confused for a long time about

sexual attraction and relationships, but here's some fun facts and things to keep in mind about sexual attraction. Number one. Sexual attraction is fluid and mysterious, so no matter how you identify your sexuality, straight, LGBTQ, fluid, figuring it out, you can feel purely sexual towards some people, even if you know you're not looking for a relationship with them. This connection might be stimulating to you, and there's just simply something about their vibe, their energy, or their appearance that just piques your curiosity.

turned you on. Now here's an example. Say you're a cisgender heterosexual woman, meaning cisgender meaning it was a gender, you were assigned to a birth, and you are attracted to men. You've always dated men and you enjoy having sex with them. And you want to keep having sex with men. You want to build a life with a man. Maybe you want to have children with a man. But you also find yourself sexually fantasizing about women. You actually think you want to hook up with a woman. And it's confusing because you're not. is you don't identify as a lesbian, you don't identify as LGBTQ, and maybe you doubt yourself. You're like, what is wrong with me?

Does it mean I have to just not ever be with a penis again? Because I only want to be as volvos. What the heck's going on? I want you to know this is totally normal because sexual desire or attraction, it's mysterious, and it sometimes shows a side of ourselves that we want to explore. It's a more adventurous side. It's our exploratory side. Remember this.

Sex is play. Remember we used to play more? God, we don't play enough. As kids, we can imagine anything. Like, I remember when I was a kid, I used to play all the time with my Barbie dolls, which is kind of ironic. And I would sit and I would make them outfits. I would make them fall in love. And sometimes Barbie would be dating Ken. And sometimes Barbie would be dating GI Joe. And sometimes Barbie would be being the other Barbies. And it was so fun just to play. I would also play games outside with my neighbors and we'd explore. And it would just be fun. Play. But right now, we have to remember to play. But that's another thing. Remember that. Sex is play too.

And sex comes from our eroticism and our imagination. And what it reveals to us is what we're curious about. So if you think of sex is just play, like, huh, I'm curious about hugging up with another gender or a different kind of person than I'm normally attracted to. And that's fun. That opens up your whole world. You just think, I want to explore a little bit. Sex is all about exploring and playing.

That's what I want to reiterate here. And we don't play enough as adults. So time to play. And your sex life is a great place to start, taking all the pressure. that you put on yourself, to put yourself in this box, think of it as an adventure. Number two, understand that your desire habits are a mix of a few things. That's because sexual attraction is just a small component of a much larger dynamic between you and another person.

So have you ever met someone incredibly hot and you thought about having sex with them? Maybe you had sex with them, but you know in your gut, this is not someone you're going to bring home to your family. This person, not relationship material. then you know what I'm talking about here. Just because you want to have sex with someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to fall in love with them or that you ever want your parents to meet them. Number three, romantic attraction is often a sign of affection. So have you ever had the experience of being with someone who's wonderful, someone you adore?

You love doing all the lovey-dovey things with them. You can spend all your time with them. You want to take them home to your parents. You love watching shows. You love going to IKEA and going furniture shopping. you just want to cuddle all day long. But you've never, ever felt that sexual spark. Well, then you know what it's like to feel a romantic attraction or even love without the sexual

component. It's a sign that you feel safe and relaxed and secure. All the qualities we need to be affectionate and deepen our emotional connection with someone. Some more quick facts about attraction that I just thought will help you as you're listening to this episode. These are from social psychologists, author, and Kinsey, and Series. research fellow, Justin Lay Miller. Did you know we tend to be attracted to people who look like us?

One study showed that heterosexual men and women rate the attractiveness of several faces. And one was a picture of their own face that had been digitally morphed into the other sex. So it would be like my face morphed to look like a man. And participants found that this morphed to be more attractive than all the other faces. Okay, another fun fact. Not only we attract to people that look like us, we also seem to be attracted to people who remind us of our parents. Yep, you might be reminded to someone who looks just like your mother or your father.

Ooh, I like this one. If you're already physiologically aroused, like you just exercised, maybe just keep from yoga class, you went for a run, and you meet someone new, you're more likely to develop an attraction to that person. Whoever it is, walking by your path, can you all your, adrenaline is going because you just went on a run. Well, why? Because you mistakenly attribute the source of your elevated heartbeat, your heartbeat's racing,

to that stranger instead of the true source of your arousal, which is your heart racing because you just worked out. So next time you fall in love with someone that you see at the grocery store after your boot camp, pay attention. Beer goggles, that's really a thing. This should come as no surprise. If the drunker people get the higher attractiveness ratings they give to strangers, and alcohol also changes how attractive we perceive ourselves.

This is why we want to limit our drinks. Attraction is a multi-sensory process. Who more attracted to depends not just in how the other person looks, but also on how they smell, how their mouth tastes, and so on. So the senses also play a role in attraction. I always find this fascinating. The things that heterosexual women find attractive in men vary across their menstrual cycle. So when we're at our peak fertility in our cycle, we're attracted to like manlier men,

like muscular guys with really deep voices. But other times a month, not so much. So when you think it's love at first sight or this is my partner, at least wait that you've gone through a few menstrual cycles to see if this is really your match. Your birth control pills will also affect attraction and arousal. Your birth control is actually going to impact who you're attracted to. So before you get married and have kids with someone, I would say get off. the pill after consulting with your doctor and see, is this really my person. And finally, our patterns of sexual attraction change seasonally. So for example, heterosexual men report greater attracted into women's bodies and their breasts in the winter months. They do in the

summer months. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but maybe it's because skin is more of a novelty in the winter when everyone's bundled up and you haven't seen breasts all year long. So you get excited about that. But in the winter, they're much. more coveted. Find out more at sex and psychology.com, and it will also be in the show notes. All right, everyone, let's get into your questions. This is from Mara 23 in Chicago. Hi, Dr. Emily. I love your show. It's changed my life. I'm a newer listener, so I apologize if this has already been asked, but I'm struggling to figure out my sexuality. I've always identified as a straight woman, but I've also always been attracted to women. I'm just not sure in what way. I've been

physically and emotionally attractive to women, and the idea of sleeping with one turns me on. I've only been with women sexually in a situation with other men, but I've never gone all the way with one. I don't know if I'm bisexual or just think women are hot. How do I figure this out? Thanks. All right, Mara, well, thank you so much for your email here. You know, you've done the hard work here, and you've done the brave work of figuring out your attraction, who you're tracking to. That's great. So many people wouldn't even know it or they would repress it. So here's what we don't need to do next. There will label on you. If you find women attractive, I say try it out. Find a woman to date. Get interested in.

See what happens. I think this whole like, am I bisexual? Am I gay? What does it mean? Am I full on lesbian? It doesn't matter. You don't need to know right now. What I love is that you're 23 years old and you're on a path and you're exploring and you're figuring out. do I like women, you like men, do I want both? Because guess what? You get to have it all. All we need to get you to do is feel confident in it. I have to get out there and start exploring. Thanks for your email, Mara. This is from Sarah 28 in Vermont. Hey, Dr. Iman. I met a guy on dating app and we've been on six dates now. He always seems excited to see me. He plans dates for us. He calls them dates. He texts me regularly and generally seems to have a good time when we hang out. However, we've been. We've been excited to see me. He plans dates for us. He calls them dates for us. He calls them dates. He texts me regularly and generally, he generally, we've barely make physical contact. He gives me a one-arm hug at the end of every date. One of the dates was at his apartment to watch a movie and I initiated couch-cuddling. He was very responsive and seemed comfortable with it. I also was the one to lean in to kiss him. He also genuinely seemed into kissing. However, that night there was no kiss goodbye. Later this week, we went for a dog walking date and again, no physical contact except for the one-arm hug at the end. Not the one-arm hug.

I don't know if he isn't kissing me because he doesn't like me, he isn't big into kissing, or if he's shot. My feelings are getting hurt when he doesn't make a move on me because to me, it's a huge sign he doesn't like me. If he likes me, he would kiss me, right? How could I show him or tell him that physical contact is important to me? What things can I ask him or say to him that will help me understand how he perceives physical contact?

It's especially difficult for me to navigate this conversation, considering we've only been to each other for two months. And I don't want to scare them off by having a serious conversation or what we are in talk. Thanks, Sarah. All right, Sarah. Two months in and you're still getting the arm hug. And that does not feel good to anybody, not even me listening to this. I'm like, I want you to have your needs met. I really, really do. And it's not so much if he's not into physical contact and all these things. I think it's straightforward conversation you have with him. You can have it next time you see him and just say, hey, really been enjoying our time to these last few months, it's been great. I'm really having an attraction to you, but I'm not totally

getting a sense of where you're at. How do you feel out this relationship? What kind of thing are you looking for? And then you let him talk. Because I don't think there's anything wrong two months in to say like, you're like, you're like, I don't want to have the talk, but like two months, that's a lot of time you're investing. I mean, what if you were interviewing for a job and you had all these job interviews? And you're like, did I get the job? And I don't want to say that you're waiting for him to decide if you're the one. It's more like, are we going to work together or are we not working together? What is happening here? Let's define our roles and let's figure it out. So I just want to normalize this. You deserve to know where you're at. You're putting precious time with this guy.

And I'm not hearing like, hey, but I'm also cool this being fed with him. I mean, maybe you are. And maybe the conversation will go in that direction. Maybe he'll say, you know what? I'm just really looking for a friend right now. I'm not looking for anything romantic. Or he might say, yeah, you know, I really liked kissing with you that night, but I'm shy. You're going to get all your answers from having this conversation with him. Now, if he says, I don't know, I'm not sure. What do you think? What are you talking about?

Like, I just think you're going to learn a lot once he answers this query. And I don't think you're being needy or you're doing anything wrong here other than saying, I got a life to live. I'm looking for romance. I'm looking for connection. And I love physical contact. It's really important to me. That physical touch, you know, I need that in a relationship or it's a deal.

girl like can we just again everyone just let's say these things early on because you're with him for two months i hear people together for two years 20 years and they're having these same challenges like why isn't my partner touch me so let's figure it out two months in if you're on the same page and let me just say this i want to also normalize one more thing here physical touch is an important part of relationships for many if it's your love language and it's one of the primary ways that you experience connection and love i think you got to figure that that early on. Because I'm telling you, if you had a relationship with someone who isn't comfortable with touch, they're not comfortable with hugging, they don't want to hold hands, they don't want to

cuddle on the couch, you shouldn't know that early on. Maybe you can decide that, well, this person's so great and I don't need it, but I've ended a relationship on the basis of that alone. Someone's like, I really like you, I'm into you, but touch makes me uncomfortable. It's not my job to fix them and say, are you sure? Have you tried touch? I really think you're going to like it. No, life's too short. There are plenty of people out there who want to touch and make you feel sexy, and want to initiate and do all the things that you want to do. I promise you'll find that person, but all I'm asking you to do right now, Sarah,

is to have a conversation with him that's very open and curious and listen. And if you're not on the same page, where you can part ways and maybe be friends and long live the one-arm hug. But I have this conversation, Sarah, sooner than later, okay? Thanks for your email. This is from Olivia 24 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, before meeting my now husband,

I was not really one for commitment and enjoyed spontaneous sex instead. I love that wild and free feeling. When he and I first met, our physical chemistry was intense and electric. It was one of the things that drew me the most toward him. Unfortunately, I learned fast that his intensity also carried over into many other areas of his life causing problems. He decided to take action on his mental health a few years ago and started to get medication to make his moods more stable. Fast forward, five years later, our sex life is not existent and basically has been ever since he got on meds. He's rarely in the mood, never pursues me, and only prioritizes his pleasure

when we have sex because I take too long. That's a quote. I've told him what gets me off, suggest to bring toys into the bedroom, etc., but he still doesn't ever take the initiative to make me feel wanted sexually. If I want to get off, I usually have to do it on my own with a toy. Another problem for us sexually is that we both enjoy being submissive in the bedroom and want the other person to make the first move. All of these sexual disagreements have caused me to doubt things, feeling like I'm missing something in my marriage. I tend to even fantasize about us in our early days

and don't even think about other people from before I knew him. My questions would be, how do I deal with having a partner who does not align with me sexually anymore? How do I become more dominant in the bedroom when it makes me feel super uncomfortable in that role. So Olivia, there's a lot to unpack here. You've been with your husband for five years, so since you were 19 years old.

This is a lot that's happened. You guys are still in those stages of kind of figuring out who you are sexually together. It just sounds like you guys really need to unpack a lot of these things. And I do think that having healthy conversations about your sex life outside the bedroom is going to be the place to start. you guys are in a great position to find a wonderful therapist. It doesn't have to be a sex therapist.

It can be a marriage and family therapist. But all the things that you're telling me here, there are a lot of layers to it. It's not just about the sex. It's about him understanding your needs, about him having some being on medication and taking his mental health seriously, which is amazing.

But where does that leave you in his journey? Maybe he's changed a lot in the last few years. I want to know what kind of, work, have you done yourself? Have you learned about what you need? You know, how compatible are you guys right now? And I just want to remember the medication thing is that a lot of people get on medication, particularly antidepressants, and there's no friend to our sex drive. So unfortunate, right? Here we are. We're not feeling great. We're not happy. And then we take meds and we feel great. And then we don't want to have sex. You're like, but sex is one of those things. They feel like,

it's not fun. However, what he can do is he can talk to his doctor. He can let him know that he's have any side effects and see what you could do. Only talk to a doctor about this, but sometimes they can low a dose or they can add something else in. That's part of it. But it also sounds like you guys are just sort of, he thinks you take too long and that's hurtful. But he might need to understand your process of arousal. What gets you to feel good? How you experience the most pleasure. So you're asking me how to deal with a partner who doesn't align with me sexually anymore. You're really not going to figure this out on your own without a therapist. It's going to help you untangle a lot of these things. Because I'm going to guess here that if he also says to you

you take too long and he says things that are dismissive, it's probably sleeping over to other areas of your relationship. There are probably other ways in your communication where it's not just in the bedroom, it's in other parts of the relationship. And they answer your other question, how do you become more dominant? Learning to become anything in the bedroom, learning to initiate, learning more dominant, more submissive is a practice. And it comes with a conversation with him and say, when you would like me be more dominant bedroom, what does that look like to you? And you have to think about that as well. You said that you were both submissive. What does it look like to you, Olivia? What does a partner be more dominant look like to you?

Both of you. For you, it might be, I just want someone to initiate. You might want a blindfold. You might want to spanking. You might want to be tied up. I mean, I don't know what you want. What does he want? We don't know. So how you become more dominant bedroom is finding out what it means to your partner and looking at what it means to you, and then you get to figure it out together. Remember, this can be fun. These sex conversations about how do we actually work strategically together so we both get our needs met? It doesn't have to be some stodgy, boring conversation.

This is like, wow, we're really going to put the time in to become great lovers to each other? Like, how fun is that? Once we get past the shame and the worry that's weird and awkward and sex should always be great without having to talk about, then we get into good stuff. Those are a lot of different ways you go about it, but I'm sensing you from your email alone,

and you're not talking, but I'm sensing that there's a lot more going on here beneath the surface, and it would be wonderful for you both to get a therapist sooner than later, once a week, commit for a year or even three months to start once a week to really help you guys get on the same page again so you can figure out where this relationship is going and if you can both learn to align sexually and otherwise. Thank you for your email, Lydia. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors, so just stick around. Okay, let's be real. Confidence is sexy in and out of the bedroom. And when it comes to performance, sometimes a little support makes a big difference. So whether you're craving more stamina,

full of erections, or you're just looking to level up your pleasure game, there's a tool that's been helping people feel more empowered for years. Meet Bathmate, the world's leading hydro-powered penis pump. These aren't gimmicks. They're FDA registered backed by science and designed to give real lasting results. At BathMate Direct, you'll find pumps that naturally support size, strength, and blood flow, helping you experience bigger, harder, more energized erections over time. And because they work with water, they're more comfortable, more effective, and way safer than traditional air pumps. With just a few minutes a day, the bathmate hydro pump can help you increase size and girth gradually, boost confidence

in and out of the bedroom, improve stamina and performance, support stronger erections through better blood flow. And the best part, it's all natural, non-invasive, and totally shower-friendly. You can literally work out your sexual wellness while you wash your hair. It's iconic. Right now, BathMate Direct is giving our listeners 10% off when you use code S-W-E-10 at bathmate-Direct.com. That's bathmate direct, B-A-T-H-M-A-T-I-R-E-C-T-I-R-E-C-T-T-com. Use code S-W-E-E-10 for 10% off. So head to bathmate-Direct.com, use S-W-E-10 and level up your confidence. We have Ryan 42.

Hey, Dr. Eve, I've listened to your podcast and it helped me, but I've come to a point of my marriage that I don't know what to do. To give you some background, I'm 42 years old for my wife is 38. We've been married for 19 years and have two wonderful boys. Our oldest started college-less fall and our youngest is a sophomore in high school. Over the past year or two, I've been feeling as if my wife doesn't want me. To me, she shows no affection or intimacy. I've tried discussing this with her and it just ends in a fight and her telling me I only want sex and me feeling bad, retreating, and bottling on my feelings.

I went to a point where I'm ready to give up. She says she doesn't know how to initiate, so we've discussed different ways. I've even brought toys to maybe help or enjoy sex and maybe even initiate using toy. I don't know what to do. Please help. Ryan, you guys have been together for a long time. And congratulations on two wonderful boys and staying together in this time. I'm going to guess here that in the past, because you've been together so long, but there was more beings of affection. There was more intimacy. Your sex life was more satisfying. And now it is it. And this is very common. You know, if you've listened to the show,

you know that this is really, really common for couples to have their sex life weighing over time. And, you know, the ages you're at, your son going off to college. I mean, that's a big change for parents. Okay, so what it sounds to me, though, here is that you're doing a lot of the work, Ryan. You're buying toys. You're discussing your sex life. You're also the one feeling rejected. And I'm wondering what she wants and what makes her feel good.

Because it doesn't feel good to anybody when our partner says, you know what, 19 years, I'm up. I've had enough sex and let's just coexist in the home together. I mean, because then you're roommates, and that's not what you signed up for, I'm sure that wasn't your agreement. Your partner can't just change the rules of the game, especially when it comes to sex. And let's both of you decide that we don't need sex anymore and you want to live together and live your life. That's fine.

There's no sex police. I'm not going to come knocking your door and saying, I heard you haven't sex, but this isn't okay with you. And you're not feeling loved. You're not feeling appreciated. You're not feeling value. you and that really hurts. And I'm sorry you to go for this right now.

And again, I'm only getting your version of story. I haven't talked to your wife. But I feel like couples therapy, you guys haven't tried it yet. It would be so wonderful for both of you. Because it's really common for couples to be together as long as you both being together. And you're sort of in the same place, having the same conversations over and over and over again. Now, maybe you're saying, oh, we tried it. It didn't work.

But let me say this. Trying it did not mean we went three times to a therapist and we didn't like her. Okay. It means we committed, even though it was painful and it was hard to get there, but we had it as a non-negotiable meeting on our calendar once a week when we committed to three months. We even paid up front because we knew we'd both bail on it. It was the most important thing on our schedule. I mean, think about the time that you spend, you know, with your son dropping them off with games and picking them up in school.

These are longer there. So tell me you have no time. It doesn't really work for me. And also you can do therapy on Zoom now. And I believe if every couple is going to benefit from therapy and the sooner that you get into therapy, the better. I think it's never too soon. But in your case right now, I feel like it's urgent. What you've said to me is that you feel like your wife doesn't want you and you're ready to give up. So I hear danger here. I hear emergency. I hear 911 call therapy. Like if your car

broke down right now on the side of the road and you were like calling me or calling friends chat and go, by the way, my car's, no, you'd call a tow truck. You'd call someone to come help you. And this is in relationship. I'm telling you. the only thing you can do is going to therapy. You're essentially getting immediate to help you. You're not getting admitted to a mental institution. I think people, I don't know why you're all so afraid of therapy. Is that what you saying?

You think they're going to be like, oh, God, you're crazy. No, they literally are helping you have conversations that are so difficult for you to have on your own. Which, by the way, welcome to being human. It's difficult for all of a sentence of conversations, which is why I think we all need therapy. So, again, I'm sorry going through all this. Ryan, I really want you to find some help. And if your wife says she's not interested in therapy, she's not interested in sex, and she doesn't want to initiate and all these things, well, then you have a lot of information there. Then you have some more things to make your decision. You can base your decision on some more information. But I really hope that's not the case. I hope she understands how important it is to work on your relationship together. And let me just say this. Going to a therapist is also the best way to fast track wherever you're going. Maybe it is time to give up, Brian. I don't know, but you're on your own. trying to have the same conversations and find the toys and trying to figure out what to do.

It's not going to happen. I'm telling you right now for 19 years, you're not going to move the needle like you will be able to move it if you find a therapist to help you through it. Can you run? Let me know how it goes. I'm here for you. I've got you. Okay, this is from Clarissa 25 in Portugal. Hey, Dr.

I'm Clarissa, 25 from Portugal, and I just recently discovered your podcast and I'm in love with it. I've been in a relationship for five years now, married for three, and my wife is 34. In the beginning, sex was great and we couldn't get enough to each other. But now, for the past years, it's been really difficult for us to get it on. Her sex job used to be really high in the beginning. But after some time, she changed jobs and it was really consuming her energy, which led her to have a low sexual appetite. We've tried having a threesome and it helped.

But I feel like sometimes we just don't look at each other the same way we used to. We've changed a lot since the beginning of our relationship. And there's rarely any flirting or seducing each other anymore. ideas and how we could rekindle that spark. Thank you. All right, Clarissa, five years together. So since you were 20, you've been with your partner. And I'd also like to normalize it is common for couples to change a lot in time of they're together and for the sex life to just sort of not flourish like it did at the beginning, two very common things. It could be stressed. It could be the job. It could be changing, but it's going to happen a lot. It's going to continue to happen in your

relationship. So I'm wondering if you both have a growth mindset around sex and if you're both willing to do what it takes to make this sexual relationship work. Because you already see what happened when you don't happen and you don't talk about it and you sound like you're the one who's really trying to fix it here and was trying to come up with solutions. Rekidling the spark is a process that works best with both of you are on board and both of you would like to rekindle it. So I'm going to guess that she, I'm going to hope that she would like to do that as well. It really starts with a conversation outside the bedroom, not when one of you was frustrated again because, you know, didn't respond to the sexual advances and didn't take initiative. It really comes from saying, I really want to

talk you about something. And I feel like our sex life isn't what I would really love to find ways that we could both work and becoming incredible lovers to each other. A lot of couples listen to this show together because it makes it a lot easier for them to kind of have this kind of conversation. It's not easy. And I get that. And I'm hearing you. It's not easy to have conversations. But if you do both have a growth mindset around sex, is she willing to listen to podcast together, read together, have conversations about what your turn-ons are? What are the best times a day to have sex? Write down the three most memorable times you had sex and swap those lists. Find out some information about what is what the spark looks like for both of you.

Do you understand your arousal patterns, how you both get turned on? What turns you on? Is it when your partner initiates? Is it dirty talk? Is it using toys? Is it orgasm? Is it watching porn together? Is it dressing up?

Is it when you're on vacation? Have you guys had a vacation in a while? Have you been stuck in your house? And then we're on top of each other. And that's really hard too. So there's a lot of things happening where we need some sort of separation. So I mean that separation is not bringing up, but you need to like get out of the home or need time apart.

Maybe you've been on top of each other. And you haven't been. even time to miss each other, even time to desire each other. But I always try to give you all the next step because you're not sitting here with me and I'm not meeting you and we're not talking. But my next step for you would say to get on the same page with your wife and say, I really miss our intimacy. And it's so important to me that we continue to be sexual.

And I'd love to find some ways, find some solutions that we could both work on it to make sure that our sex life is stronger than ever. Would you be down? And see what she says. Listen. And remember, when we've had this conversation, it is very important for this. And to come up with a curious light tone, I'd definitely do it outside the bedroom. And then I can help you from there.

You can even send me another email and let me know what happened after that. And I can help you. We've so many great resources on our site, sex withemly.com. We've done a lot of great podcasts about just this thing. We can ring the spark, going from stale to sexy. So check out those shows as well. Thank you so much, Carissa, for your email. I appreciate it.

I appreciate you. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X.

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