Sex With Emily - Coital Communication

Episode Date: November 14, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking calls, helping you rip off the bandaid and get you talking about sex with some communication skills you didn’t know you needed. She discusses why dating might get better if we put a limit on this whole texting thing, the body language signals that may have you sending the wrong messages, and how to keep up sexually when your partner is injured and down for the count. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Adam & Eve, Deo-Doc, Apex, & Fleshlight Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and giving you the communication skills you didn't know you needed. But I promise you do. Topics include, why dating might get better if we put a limit on this whole texting thing? The body language signals that may have you sending the wrong messages, how to keep up sexually when your partner is injured and down for the count, and ripping off the bandaid and just talking about sex already. All this and more, thanks for listening. I'm gonna buy you a little bit. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God. I'm on for your sound. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. MUSIC You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemle.com, check out our website. You'll love it, lots of blogs, lots of posts there to help you have better sex.

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It's been a blast. You can always find me in all social media at Sex with Emily across the board, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. We are everywhere. Okay, this is a call show. So you guys, we had some awesome calls you guys. So thank you so much for sending in your question,

checking that box so we can set up a call. But first a little bit, sex in the news. I've been waiting for this story to come out because I'm like, I'm not the only one who's suffering through texting. I mean, it just kind of makes me so it's overwhelming sometimes and distracting. So this says, dating might get better if we all stop texting. I know that's a little extreme. However, I get it when you're first dating someone, it's so exciting when they text you and you're like, Oh my God, they are and then you can stand phone for hours and texting and I just think if we can kind of do a limit on the texting even before that first date There's a few levels here

I don't think you need to find everything out about someone before you meet them Because what I found is that I've had great texting with someone before I meet them and then you meet them And I'm like, can you just text me across from the table because you're away better texture than talker But also, so sometimes we reveal a lot that we'd like to kind of find out on a first date. So I think there should be limits there. I think it's distracting and I think that like when I first started dating my boyfriend,

I was like, I appreciated that I would hear from every day. And I think that texting is important overall. But I felt like he had a lot more time. He would send me clever things and clever little texts and funny photos. And I was at work all day and I'm just thinking, I don't really have time to respond and I started feeling this pressure

to be funny all the time on text one. And every time it pops up, you have to get off message. So I thought you get off whatever you're doing. And then I actually asked him, I said to him, I said, are you cool if I'm not texting you back? I wanted to get permission for not. And he's like after weeks of stressing out that I wasn't being this, you know,

a funny or a responsive text, he's like, yeah, baby, I don't care. I'm just sending you things because I think they're funny. Which is great for me that I got permission knowing that I didn't have to sit and text them all day long. But I don't know you guys. I think that it's kind of good to miss each other and to not

always be in touch all day long, like that whole like, how is last night? Did you have any good dreams? Did you get to work? Okay. What are you having for lunch? Like, isn't that stuff we can find out later if we really care? And I think it's kind of good to have time away where at the end of the day, you get to catch up on that stuff.

So, I think there's a compulsive nature to it and then we can come to expect that if we're not in touch with them every hour, we sort of feel disconnected or why didn't they text back. Not to mention all the time we can waste when there's so much drama when you first start dating someone and you're like, what does this person mean by this text? You know, people have certain rules. Should I wait 10 minutes for our texts to them back? And I just think they can be misinterpreted, misconstrued.

We get anxiety. We have uncertainty like, what does it mean that he just texted high? And then you ask all your friends to analyze it, and it probably just means high. But I just think if we can kind of go back to these times a little bit, or just maybe have more conscious texting is what I'm saying. We'll never go back to no texting. But do I really need to be in touch with this person all the time? Or can I have a talk with them and say, when I text you, I'd love to hear back, but we don't have to do it all the time. Or, you know, in this article, there was a couple who decided they were going to stop texting. Unless there was like, they were each running late for a date, they were just going to talk on the phone, which I actually still love talking on the phone,

because I just think there's no, I mean, there's no stress, there's no misinterpreting, and you're actually, to me, that's way more intimate than setting out a bunch of words. Texting overall to me has been a problem. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but I get a lot of texts in a day or a week, and I feel like it just takes you out of the moment. So whatever I'm doing, it goes out.

I try to have my phone after in the day, but when it's popping up, and then I think there's no way to like mark it on your phone to go back to it later, and then I don't go back to people, and then I walk around with this huge guilt that people are mad because they know you got the text. Like in email, there's a little bit of like, back in the day, even you'd be like,

well, you know, maybe they answer it on Monday or they don't check their emails on the weekends. Your phone is always in your pocket, and so I think there's a certain like, you gotta get right back to you where they get disappointed, but I'm wondering like, what the statute of limitations is, like, sometimes I could try to go back, like, two weeks and respond to people, and sometimes they're happy, sometimes

they're not. Like, who make the rules about all this? So I don't know. I think I'm just gonna start picking up the phone again across the board and calling people, calling my boyfriend, which I already do in calling friends. It feels, I've been doing that lately. I just started, but it feels so much better. So I think that's how you really get the human connection rather than just, hey, I've been

thinking about you, you too, and then moving on to the next person. So let's try to bring the phone back this year. How about that? Common body language mistakes that destroy relationships. I don't know of these destroy your relationship, but I just find them interesting because I do believe that so much of what we say and so much of what it is without words is through body language through you know facial expressions and so that's so much of communication is about body language. So crossing your arms. I remember hearing this years ago when I I remembered this one that if you stand and you cross your arms all the time, that can be interpreted as a signal that you're closed off and not willing to listen to what others around you have

to say. And so, you know, it's like you're literally thinking about it. Your arms are in front of you and you're saying like, no, I am not open to talk. I am not available. So now I actually notice what I'm closing my arms even if I'm at the grocery store or in a meeting and I just put them down by my side. The other thing here, keep your chin up. Holding your head high can give you the impression,

can give people the impression of confidence, but you can also appear condescending. Can also be chew of a man or a man standing, we'll talk to someone who's seated and I guess the perception is, you're lording over me, you're looking down at me. And so I guess just think if your chin's a little tilted up, maybe tilt it down. Another one is pointing your finger, pretty common to point at people when you're trying to emphasize a statement or gesturing

to something. But I guess that could also come across as aggressive and rude, making the other person feel like they're being lectured. And since it's unconscious, I think it's something to be held aware of, to be made aware of. And I actually, I used to work in politics a long time ago. I worked very closely with politicians. And if you might notice this, that politicians, they don't point.

They do this thing where they put their pointer finger and their thumb finger together. And they do this thing where they're kind of, there's no point. Their finger is tucked into their thumb. And they do not point. And I kind point, their fingers tucked into their thumb, and they do not point. And I kind of, I don't think I point anymore because of that because it's aggressive.

So think about your pointing, poor posture. Especially, I think this is so true, you guys, we're all sitting with slump shoulders or heads down. And when we do that, that conveys vulnerability and weakness and people can lose confidence in you. But the thing is nowadays all of our posture is declined, particularly because we all have our phones in our hand and we kind of crouch our head down, our shoulders hunch and you feel like knowing and see you because you're just like in your world, like you're just obsessed

with your, you know, you're enthralled with what's happening on Instagram. It's like the world isn't happening, but you're hunched over and you look like, you know, I guess vulnerable and weak. So I think it's really important to people to think about sitting back in your seat, sitting up high, you know, think about your sternum, think about breathing into your like pelvic floor and sitting up straight. You just look confident, you feel and the truth is you feel more confident when you're standing up straight. So now if you look that way, you're going to feel that way. And it's not great for you either, you guys overall. Shaking hands the wrong way.

I had to read what the wrong way was. So here it is. If you shake hands, don't put your hand on top of the other persons, that's a big no-no. Because that's a power play. So it's kind of says, I'm superior to you if I class, so I've got two hands in the game. You've only got one in the game.

And if you shake a woman's hand and you turn her hand under yours, we're more apt to notice and think, okay, power play, I know what you're doing here. So I think that there's this some perception because they think you're trying to take the upper hand. So let's just stick to a straight board, shake in hands, and then party, and waste, none of that hand clap over.

And then check in your phone, you guys. We have a compulsion to grab our pocket. And sometimes that can be hard to ignore, especially we're in a social or a professional situation where people are trying to get our attention. And I just think, I think we kind of all know this now, but I'm definitely in meetings where people did not get this memo.

I think when you pull your phone, when there's like no reason and you're just looking, maybe there's a reason for you, right? Your kids sick, there's something happening, your boss is calling, but really the behavior makes you seem just rude, uninterested, and we know it can really harm relationships. It can. If you're just obsessed with your phone more than your partner, so it just makes you say like, I'm better than what's going on here.

I have zero interest in what you're all saying. I have to make an effort to sometimes I think I want to pull out my phone and I just don't. So think about it and just try to be present you guys. I think there's so much about the phone that pulls us out of the moment. So I'm trying to do my best to stay present with all of you. I'm not even looking at my phone this entire show.

Okay guys, we are going to take a quick break. Thank you for supporting our sponsors. We have some awesome sponsors right now that I think you will love. And we come back, I am going to answer your calls and answer all your questions. We'll be right back. Okay, we are back.

And now we're gonna get into your calls. God, I love these shows. I love answering your questions. It's why I do what I do. So if you have a question you want answered on the show, just text Ask Emily all one word to 7979-7979 or go to my website, sexwithmwe.com, click the Ask Emily tab and always include your name,

your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. We have Christopher 29 from San Diego and he wants to feel comfortable talking about sex with his partner. I don't blame you. Hey Christopher. Hey, how you doing? Hey, I'm so good. Tell me what's going on. So yeah, I don't have a current partner right now. It's more just for, I suppose, the next relationship.

But yeah, I just, I suppose the next relationship but yeah I just I get I have trouble with Communication when it comes to sex-related topics even kind of just talking about it right here Hey, it's a good place to start, but yeah, especially especially with somebody that I'm really interested and really like or love I find it difficult to, I guess, talk about the topic and just want to see if you had any tips for me to kind of like get on my head and kind of breathe, breathe that story. Yeah, no.

First of all, I love that you're asking this out of a relationship too because you know that it's important and you know that like you're an ex when you want to be able to. So I think that's great to prepare for it and to think about it. So because it's hard for most of us, it really is. I mean, that's why I do what I do. That's why I have a job every day. There's someone who's like, I don't know how to do it

or I did it and it wasn't right. So I think, here's some basic tips is that, I think talking is important. So you have to, like it's like, you couples need to communicate about sex. The more you communicate, the better sex you're going to have, for sure. So this is important.

It's best to do it outside the bedroom. So you don't want to do it like after sex or when you're in bed, I think the bedroom is for like sleeping and for sex. So talk about it, you know, whatever, when you're like having lunch or when you're like driving the car. So that's important about like location. And I think the other thing is like tone and time, because I know it's a really nerve-wracking thing to make it a lighter conversation, to make it more playful, to make it more fun, to make it like to be more enthusiastic and curious.

So let's talk about our sex life. I think it would be like, have you ever been fantasies or is there anything you've thought about or have you ever even talked about sex before because I'm starting a new thing now where I want to talk about sexy relationship. I mean, being really honest with someone and you want to make it about both of you. You want to make it about your pleasure. You want to make it about her pleasure. And then telling you the more that you talk about it, it becomes easier. But right now, it's like the fear of it is just like the fear and the anxiety and, you

know, what could happen is the part that's scaring you. But once you start doing it, you're going to realize when you're with a partner who's open and receptive to it, it's going to be the most that's scaring you. But once you start doing it, you're going to realize when you're with a partner who's open and receptive to it, it's going to be the most amazing thing in your relationship. That actual talk and that thing that you share around sex, it becomes a really fun, it's almost like a sport you guys are going together.

Like when it's like talking about your favorite Netflix show, but it's actually your sex life. So it gets a lot easier when you start doing it. And it's kind of like the band-aid off when you're nervous because I could see you in a few months, you're like, oh my God, I'm not saying it's gonna be, you're still gonna be nervous. But once you're just like, let's talk about this.

It'll get easier. And just remember, it's not blaming and shaming or like, why didn't you even orgasm last night? Or it seemed like you didn't. It's more like, I just wanna get good at pleasing you. Like, I wanna know what really turned you on. Do you know, and you'll find that a lot of women don't, and they may never have talked to you about it.

Talk to anyone about it. So it's really just, yeah, asking those questions and being vulnerable and listening. Yeah, so how does that sound? And breathing a lot. That's it. Yeah, breathing. Letting them know you're nervous, but you know how important sex is.

So you're not sure. I know my end result is I want to both have a good time and it's to keep getting better. But right now, I just want to talk about it with you. See what you like. So, that's how you do it. Okay. Well, thanks for answering that question. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, you're so welcome. Yeah. Good luck. And if you get something that's someone in the future, you can always email me specific questions, but I think for now just and talk to your friends about it too. I don't think we talk about it nearly enough. So I think like talking to your guy friends, if you have any really good girlfriends, like once you start talking about it, you'll realize whoever you feel comfortable to go, I've asked your doctor about it. Most people are so afraid of sex. They don't even ask their doctors about it. So I think for you, a great practice now is just talking about it to people. Like have you, you can just ask them, have you ever talked about it? Like

I just, I think you could start doing a practice before you actually meet the person and then taking the stigma and the shame around it for you in the taboo, you'll feel a lot better when you meet that person. I talk about everybody. So, nobody runs away. Like, even if they don't know what I do. That's actually kind of probably going to seem something as such. Yeah, no, I do, but even people who aren't expecting it, right? Like, people are like, oh, what do you do?

And then you think that like, they'd be like, oh my god, they're always like, oh wow, I've got a question. Or let's talk about it. So, really, no one's ever like ran away and like, oh my God, they're always like, oh wow, I've got a question or let's talk about it. So really no one's ever like ran away and like running, screaming for the hell. So I'm telling you that most people out there do want to talk about it, I believe. So. Well, I'll put that, I'll put that there to the test and you see if I can. Yeah, let me know how it goes. I have my friends.

Okay, perfect. I love it. I think guys need to talk more. Okay, bye Christopher. Thanks for calling. Bye. Have a great night. Bye. Yeah, you guys, I think it's great.

I do think the more we talk to everybody about sex, obviously people in your life that are appropriate, you ask your friends next time you're out. Guys, I think I love that Christopher's a guy asking this. I feel like for a man, it can be so limited. They might say, yes, I had sex. I did not have sex with this person. Or this happened to that happen. But like, getting into the details about asking your friends, like, how did you get what you want better you know however guys do it or like

talking about feelings like I think that that you'd realize that many of your guy friends would be on board with this and your women friends I think it's a great bonding experience to talk to your loved ones about sex. Okay we have Marty she's 21 Chicago. She has a history of sexual trauma and she had a recent sexual assault and it's resulting in some panic attacks during sex. Hi, Marty. I'm so glad you called in. Hi, Emily. How are you? Hi, I'm so good. Thank you. So tell me about what's going on here. Give me some background. Yeah, so I've been dating my boy's friends for about two and a half years. We've been long distance the whole time. And recently I went away to study abroad for a couple months.

And while I was gone, I had this experience from the street, super brief, but a guy just came up to me, assaulted me very quickly in the street, and he rode away. He was on a bike. And I was walking towards the bar when this happened. I didn't think anything of it. And you know, I went the rest of my summer not really thinking anything of it. Just kind of buried it down deep. I saw my boyfriend after that for the first time. It was almost five months. And the first time that we had sex, I had a panic attack. And that had never happened before. You know, we see each other usually every three months and that had never happened to me before. And I had a panic attack. I didn't

know what was happening. We had to stop. Luckily, he was really supportive about the whole thing. And I was reflecting, trying to think what happened. And I think it was just a matter of he felt like a stranger to me. We didn't have the best communication over the summer. So I really was just curious on how I can improve that communication because he's in the military, he's deployed right now. So I won't be seeing him for a couple more months and I don't want this to happen again. Okay. Yeah.

Well, first of all, I'm so sorry that that happened. That kind of time again. Thank you. Yeah. And so it sounds like it could be a few things because so not seeing your boyfriend often can be really it's very challenging To to keep up the intimacy and it makes sense that he felt like a stranger because I'm sure he probably can't face time every night I would think it's not that easy to connect Yes, absolutely. So is there anything so the first thing is and you're certain you guys are monogamous, right?

And you want to stay with him. Yes. Okay. And so is there anything that he can do like how often can you guys talk because you could face down once a week? Well, yeah. Yeah. Right now we have about a 15 hour time difference. So we talk usually like once or twice a day and we can text sometimes throughout the day. So we try to keep it up as much as possible, but it's brief conversations.

Right. Because I think that you're going to need to have maybe on the weekends, kind of try to have some a meteor like time, like a conversation and time to meet and connect in an intimate way. So if you guys can do FaceTime, even if it's once a week, but you make it like a date and maybe you're eating dinner, I know the time difference, but you could be sitting and like, you know, like actually looking in them and you could have some things like ready to talk about. Like maybe had you guys ever talk about your, you know, sex life or what you want for your future

or things that would make it feel like an actual date? Like if you could incorporate actually looking eye to eye, even though you're not a person, it's kind of the next best thing. I think you're gonna need some of that. Yeah, so it's like a date, it's happening. I understand the time difference, but you wake up earlier, you'll wake up earlier,

and you go bed later, and you'll figure it out. Because the good news is about technology now, we actually just talked about this in the show, or there's some article how it's actually a better time. If you're in a long distance relationship, there's more ways now to stay connected, which is true, right? You can text, you can FaceTime,

there's even sex toys now that you can control through your app, through an app, but also you want to make sure that when you are connecting, it sounds like you're going to need, and I don't know what it is for you, but just some more intimate conversation, maybe just like asking questions, talking about your sex life, or talking about things that turn you both on, you can start making inroads into those things. So I think if you guys connect on that level, and then as far as your own panic attacks during sex, you know, that's just anxiety, right? That means that you're probably in your head

and you were feeling like, oh my God, he's a stranger now. And then maybe you were thinking about what happened to you this summer, maybe when you were a kid. And so I think for that, I mean, have you ever had therapy around any of this trauma? Yeah, I actually go to therapy pretty regularly.

Oh good, okay. And she helps me with this a little, but we focus on other things as well, which is part of the reason I was interested in talking to you with how I can bring up some of these subjects with her. Yeah, I would just let her know. And honestly, I think it'd be great to let her know because especially for sexual trauma,

and it might not be her thing. And like I think you should ask her honestly, and say has she ever worked with someone who's had sexual trauma, and just see how she answers. Because I think many therapists can do this, but for some it's a specialty. And some maybe haven't.

And hopefully, you know, she will be honest. But there are certain types of therapy, like EMDR therapists now. Therapy is great when you're in Chicago. It's called EMDR. And it's sort of a treatment that people do just for dealing with trauma. And it's a very specific treatment that, it's a treatment that people do just for dealing with trauma. And it's a very specific treatment that has worked with a lot of people, with sexual assault

or trauma. So I think, I think that would be great to bring. I love the chart in therapy, by the way. I think that's great. And you should absolutely bring this up to her. And if she's not the one, she can maybe refer you to someone. So I think a matter of, you know, working with her, doing some breaths and breathing work, because really that's, if you think about when we get anxious during sex, you're in your

head. So if you could win your masturbating in your own, and I think it's really important, my final tip is that it's important for you to stay connected to yourself sexually when he's gone. So making sure that you're masturbating, taking baths, like you're just feeling more connected to your body. Because then when you come to home, it is, like not only as he is stranger, but your body is might be a stranger to you too

if you're not keeping up with it. So I didn't think about it that way. Yeah. So your old was like, oh my God, there's something inside me. I haven't even had these sexuals. It's true. It's like, you know, the more we do it,

the more comfortable it comes. So I think those are all few tips that would really help you feel. It would definitely have you get back on track with them and give you the confidence to know that you're on top of it and you won't be worried about this future thing that could happen because you'll know that you've done everything you can

to make sure when you see them again, it's as positive and pleasing and satisfying as you want it to be and connective. Absolutely, yeah. I think that sounds awesome. Cool, okay, I love it, so it's a plan. You got this. Perfect, yes, it's a plan.

I love it, okay. Well, thank you so much, Emily. Thank you's a plan. You got this. Perfect, yes. Okay. I love it. Okay. Well, thank you so much, Emily. Thank you, Marty. Good luck with this. Of course. Let us know what happens.

Okay. Thank you so much, Heather. Have a great day. You too. Have a great day, by Marty. Oh, yeah, you guys. It is true. If you're at a long-distance relationship, I think this is a really good point that just because

you might be talking and texting all day long or sending photos, that's not real intimacy. So if you can kind of set up a date or find ways to have really meaningful conversations, you know, asking questions that maybe you've never asked or playing little games or something, what are these games that we love? The creative conceptions make these really, we just got a package from them.

They make really cool like board games and fun games for couples that you could do flashcards and in my tonsilie, but you guys know, not always easy to talk to a partner about sex. So if you got you're listening to the podcast or you've got a little card that asks some good questions to your partner like what's the craziest sex you ever had or whatever the questions are it'll help enhance that intimacy and as always no matter what stage you're at in your sex life you guys we've got to remember to

say connected to our bodies to masturbate just to touch ourselves and to stay connected because it helps with everything. Okay, we have Marco. He's 45 from Palm Beach and his wife was injured and he feels guilty about masturbating. And he wants to know how does he stay sexual. Hey, Marco. Hi, how are you? Hi, I'm good. Good to talk to you.

So tell me what's going on Well, my wife had an accident over the summer and unfortunately, you know She got bruised and you know most of the normal things that we take for granted in life such as sitting standing standing over Yes, she can't do right and even though a bed is soft It's just the body needs to move certain ways way. And because of that, as we get, what I say older, everything seems like you're doing new things and things are going great. And then it's kind of like a big setback. Yeah, it sounds like it. Okay.

Right. So just trying to figure out, you know, because her mind of course is not on intercourse and doing things like that. So the question is, can one partner be satisfied and the other not, or, you know, I get that. Like I wrote, I feel a little guilty because, you know, I really think that you got it. You sound like a really good husband.

But first of all, you sound such a loving husband. So let me just tell you that. The fact that you're even can feel guilty about masturbating and you're concerned about it is really kind. So you're in a good place with that. And I think that she, you know, because it's a very healthy practice to masturbate in a relationship, you know, on your own, like men always are going to, you know, I have to remind women to

masturbate, men not always, like whether they're married or not, it's just important, it's a release, you need that. So I think that there should be no guilt in there. And I would think that your wife would want that for you as well to have pleasure. I'm pretty sick. Right. And I think, yeah, I don't think she minds because she knows how to get, you know, be happier during that time.

Exactly. And then you were saying also though about her sex life. So I understand that. And then you were saying like, I think it was in your letter that she, in your email, that she might not be having orgasms or she might not be wanting. You want to know she can have orgasms? Well, meaning to go, although, meaning that because to get her to where she needs to be, of course, is a little bit more, you know, interaction.

So with that, I want to be mindful. So for the few times that we did do it, took care of her first. And then she took care of me separately. So I didn't finish with her. Right. Inside her. Yeah. Okay.

Is she okay with everything? I mean, I'm sure she's in pain. I understand that. I just left a dissident in the summer. I'm not in bad, but I understand. It's a pain. You're like, oh, God, I can't do all these things. So that's not fun.

But is she okay with, like if you guys talked about it, how you're gonna keep it, that's all right, okay. We have, I mean, she is getting better, going through physical therapy and stuff like that, but it's like almost learning all over again. Yeah, it is really learning. It's like I have to, right, so it's almost like,

like I wrote in the email, it's like I have to do things for me because not that makes them selfish, it's just, you know, it's almost like I wrote in the email, it's like I have to do things for me because not that makes them selfish. It's just, you know, it's just, you know, you know, whatever. Yeah, you absolutely do. It's part of being a healthy, you know, a healthy man.

Like it's important for you to ejaculate, to take care of yourself, and to have your needs met. Absolutely. But as far as the two of you together, it is a relearning, which isn't always a bad thing. If you guys been together while, you know what I mean? Like to, like it's, you know. Long time, yeah.

Yeah, so have you guys ever tried any mutual masturbation? Like, were you both getting off and watching each other? Could be really, if she's got a toy. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes, but probably not as much because you buy this stuff and it sits in the drawer and then literally something was disintegrated.

So I'm like, okay, I need to buy something. That's why I'm like, what do I buy? And I know I'll go to, but yeah, I mean, I would recommend I don't know like for her like I think because you guys can't really actually have sex now I go with positions like with you on could you get on? Not as much. Okay, so I think gosh for you, I would love the pulse the hot octopus. Um, hot octopus is oh my god, I love hot octopus. They make these toys for men that are like blowing, like I literally get into my boyfriend of the day and I did not see him for like a week. He's like, it's the best thing. It's a masturbation sleeve, really.

And it's a toy. It oscillates, it's in vibrate. It's called the pulse three. And that's really cool for you if you want to check that out on our website, just to kind of fun, different things for masturbation. But for your wife, does she, if she normally orgasms through clitoral stimulation or internal? Yeah, exactly. I would say the Paul's duo is one that's kind of like it has a vibrato. So it goes around your penis like a cradle, but it also has a vibrating outside to it. Like

an outside vibrato that could like rub against her clitoris gently. You could even use it, you know, like once you roll off her with your hand. So that's kind of a fun, it's literally a duo that could be for both of you or just for you. If you got the hot octopus, you get the pulse duo. Or she just wants. Right, and I have the smaller vibrators for her. I mean, that's the one that I can use on her. Yeah, I would get it with a weebite touch

or the tango. Yeah, I love the weebite touch or the tango. I think those are really cool if you ever travel. She might be need to work on her pelvic floor as well, probably kind of strengthening those muscles if she has back pain. So there's something called the bloom and it's by weave Ibe as well. And it's like kegoballs that she could wear inside of her. And if she's in bed all the time, honestly, like when I'm in bed, I like just, I love

doing these kegologriuses because they re, they help build a pelvic floor. They help women at G-Spot orgasms and it really just helps her have more. It's kind of a re it's kind of a rehab thing to a re heal the rehabilitation device, especially if she's not been you know, she's been hurt her back because she can wear the balls, breathe into it, do the program. It works with an app. It's pretty cool. So I have an iPhone app called Kaggle Camp. So that's some suggestions for you, but I think getting her a Clitoral vibe, getting something for you, getting some fun loobs, flavored loobs, some massage oil, just kind of just looking at it as like a challenge, but you guys are going to rebuild your intimacy

without penetration, but doing some other things that could be really cool for you both and feel good. Got it. Okay. When you've definitely gave me some good ideas and some products to look into, so now I'm not like going crazy on other website thing. Oh my God. Oh my God. Good. No. Just go to our website. I feel like we've got everything you need. I will. Okay. Thanks Marco for calling and you just, yeah, I think you guys are good here. And you just, you sound lovely. So she's very lucky. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty. Okay, bye Marko. Bye. Have a good night. Thanks. Okay guys, you know, here's the thing. Our sex life, especially if in your long-term relationship, it's going to change over time.

And also your sex in your 20s is over than your 30s, your 40s, so in a way, think of sex as something that is not static. That is actually always changing and it's always evolving and something that you liked last time you might not like this time. So if you have more of an open mind about that and you look at sex as more of a practice of discovery

and self-expiration, I think that will all feel a little bit better about trying new things, getting what we want and exploring each other because actually it's the variety in sex that actually makes it the most satisfying to us. And so when sex gets dull and boring, that it's not so much. So I think having that open attitude

to trying new things is going to help everybody. So we've got Melissa. She's 26 from Winnipeg, Canada, and she wants to climax with her own hand, and wants to know why A it feels so good to her. Hey Melissa. Hi. Hi.

Okay. So tell me some background here. So you want to climax with your own hand. So tell me about your masturbation techniques and what's going on. Okay. So I do it quite regularly. Okay. I usually use a bullet just over my panties.

I have no problem with somebody else doing it without any clothing. I can have no problems with their fingers or whatever. But yeah, for whatever reason I can't get into the right mindset. I'm trying to discover if I have any past trauma about stopping me, right? So stop me. Let me just get this right. So on your own when you're masturbating, you're not able to orgasm Yes, oh, okay, so you just like with like fingers like if I if I use like you know Machines then it's fine. I see. OK, so if you use your own fingers without a toy to give yourself an orgasm.

I've never been able to. Never been able to. No, I've tried. OK, got it. OK, so first, all right, so this is how it works. And you say with your partner, no problem, right? They can put their hands there and you have an orgas. Yeah, so do you know what they do? Do you can you think about what?

Feels good what they're doing with their fingers? Yes, yeah, okay, cuz I think I think I think there yeah No, do you think it's in your mind? So when you sit down and masturbate you're like it's not gonna happen It's not gonna happen. You know what I mean cuz it has yeah, yeah, Yeah, I think it's just the fact that I know that it's myself doing that. I don't have a negative idea of masturbation or anything like that. It could just be, it is true though. It's kind of like scratching your own back doesn't feel as good if someone else is scratching your back.

So it kind of sounds like that's where, yeah, I got it. It sounds like that's where you are. So maybe what's missing here is some of the connection to your body and the like eroticism around it. Like when you're masturbating, what are you feeling or what are you thinking? Are you fantasizing? Oh, I'm, yeah.

Yeah, it's all in my mind. Like I don't even corner anything to get off like I I imagine you know just This feeling of like that that present moment right now. Okay. That's good So I think that when you're when you're it's kind of like a meditation practice. Have you ever meditated before? Yes, I do meditate regularly. Oh good. Okay. So it's kind of like that. Like when you're, first of all, take the pressure off yourself. Like there's literally nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. This isn't like a huge problem, right? You're really orgasmic. We're going to get to your anal sex pleasure in a minute. So like it's all good.

So really it's about you when you're, when you're masturbating and you're using your hands, like just kind of when your brain is thinking these thoughts, like it going to happen like you just go right back to your breath kind of like when you get a disturbing thought during meditation and you're like back to the breath. It's the same thing. You could go back to like breathing deep into your pelvic floor. You could just kind of like breathe into it and then breathe out because a lot of times when we're having these thoughts, it means we're anxious and we're not breathing. So I think breath for you could be really, really helpful and just keep going back to like

using your hand. It might take you some time, right? In this mindful masturbation practice, but it doesn't mean there's anything wrong. It probably, it just means that, you know, there's been some, you've been probably stopping yourself. So I don't think it's that you can't also do use a lube because lube is so helpful just to go in and dry with your fingers does not feel good as using some lube. You're absolutely right.

Yes, I have. Oh, you do usually. I guess you know, I just speak practice, right? Right. It's a meditation. Yeah, it's practice. So I feel like you're close to that and you will get there. But again, if you don't, that's fine to use the toys.

It's fine to start with the toys and finish with your hands. You don't mean or use your hands and then finish. But you're going will get there, but again, if you don't, that's fine to use the toys, it's fine to start with the toys and finish with your hands, you don't mean or use your hands and then finish, but you're gonna get there. So I think it's just a matter of there's like practice, okay? I agree. Yeah, okay good. And then you had questions about anal too, right? You like anal?

Yeah. Feels really good. Yeah, I just fell in love with ads. The summer actually, you prefer time. Good, okay. Yeah, that's typical for women, a lot of women, not most, but many can have orgasms, can have an orgasm through anal because it's hidden, so it's indirectly, his penis is indirectly hitting your g-spot during anal because it's through the wall like that shared between your vagina and your rectum.

So that's why that happens for you. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Why? Wow. Amazing. And there's a lot of great nerve endings around your anus.

There's so many nerve endings around the anus. So yeah. You know what ever since I started listening to your podcast, I've been like trying to, you know, manifesting talking to the universe. I hope I find some of these that, you know, maybe fall in love with you or at least try it. Oh, to fall in love with you.

Oh, with anal, oh. But, yeah, yeah. And so that happened this summer. I love it. I love it. Yay! Oh love it. I'm so glad. I'm so excited. Oh my God, I'm so glad. I love the way that you just like, you know,

you've got to be warmed up and there's so many nerve endings that come there. Exactly. It's true though, but like that's what happened for you. I love the manifesto that works. Thinking about your dream sex life, we can all have it, you know? So, oh good, well I'm glad that sounds great. And just know that, yeah, just know that you're gonna practice.

Practice with different touches as well. When you're using your hands, try something different. Like, it took me years to figure out that my labial, like my outer labial, are really sensitive. So it's not just the clitoris, the pubic mound, like there's a whole area there. So if you make it more about like exploring, you might find that there's like different touches

or movements or positions that work better for you as well. Cause you're gonna get there, I'm not worried, but just try, mix it up a little bit, okay? I will, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to the adventure. Okay, good Melissa, I love that. See, that is the attitude. Go on that adventure, you deserve it. Thank you, Melissa, you're awesome.

I appreciate it. Okay. Thank you, you're awesome, and keep doing what you're doing. I recommend you to everybody. Thank you, I so appreciate that helps. Okay, thanks, Melissa. Have a great day. God, I love this.

I'm so inspired, you guys. I mean, you can all truly manifest whatever sex life you want. She was talking about giving up to the universe, and it's true, let's some some spiritual, like woo-woo talk. But if we spend more time thinking about what we actually want in like a really real way, like she must, is like, okay, I really wanna like have an anal orgasm. We're having anal sex that feels good.

So she got there, like so I wanna ask you guys, take a moment. What do you want? In three to six months from now, how do you want your sex life to look feel taste smell? Think about that keep that image your head and keep working towards that goal. I love it. Thanks Melissa All right, we have Chloe 25 from San Diego and she's recently sober and wants to connect with males on dates. Hey Chloe Hi, hi, congratulations on your sobriety Thank you. That is not easy. I love that you've been in 12-step

program and all that. And so tell me what's going on right now. So in addition to the alcoholism, I mean usually like it's a co-occurring disorder. So I have been eating disorder and I've been working on that but but just like since I got sober I've gained some weight and so I just haven't felt comfortable really pursuing men and I go to therapy pretty regularly and my therapist said like the weight's kind of an armor from men, but I just I from men, but I just, I feel like it's not going to get neat better. And I kind of was just wondering what advice you had. And then, well, all I can tell you is that it does definitely get better. I can tell you that.

I think that three years in the program and you're in therapy and you're working on all these things and you're 25. That's why I'm saying congratulations, because I know how hard it is to really get sober and to like work the programs and to get help and at your age, like you're so many light years ahead people who are just, who aren't there, who might never stop drinking

and who might never take their self help, their mental health, their personal health and may make it a priority like you are. That's such a young age too. Like to me, 25, that's great, okay? So what I can tell you is that it does change. So there's a few things here, like to me, 25, that's great, okay? So what I can tell you is that it does change. So there's a few things here, like so the way thing, like yeah, like that's, you know, I can see that, like after you're working on your eating disorder and drinking, and so I

do think that you're going to get back, it's going to like regulate, right? Like you're going to get to a place where you do feel good in your body again, like that I know is going to happen. It just will, like you're doing the right things. So right now, just kind of being kind to yourself and knowing that maybe you're doing the right things. So right now, just kind of being kind to yourself and knowing that maybe you're not there right now, but you will, you will get there, right? And I think it's also important during this time if you're not dating and I'll get to the men in a second. But to still be masturbating, because I know that for many women, including myself, when I,

when I don't masturbate as much, I feel very disconnected of my body, I'll feel more down, I won't feel as sexy, but when I do, when I start to again, and I start to like, give myself pleasure, then I do feel connected, and it's like this automatic like helps with my love for my body, you know, because you could see all the amazing, even when I don't want to, sometimes I'm just like, okay, you got to, it's been a while, right?

Like having an orgasm is a good thing. So is that a part of your life at all right now? right? Like having an orgasm is a good thing. So is that a part of your life at all right now? Currently right now, but not right now, but I have done it more regularly. I was kind of my nuts. We're kind of off a little bit now. I'm going to go so I was in a bit of a depression. So I kind of got out of it. But yeah, I mean, I definitely don't have any shame behind the smaster waiting. But I guess I never thought about doing it. Just to do it.

Yeah. It's prescriptive. I don't like it. Yeah, like it actually will could be helpful part of your process. And then the other thing about connecting to guys, like being sober, it's interesting. And I don't know if they talk about this in your programs,

but I feel like I've a lot of friends who've gotten sober over the years and that's always been like men and women who've gotten sober. But we said to be like, it's always a thing. They're like, I don't know how to talk to anyone. Like when they first, they're like, I don't even know how to start doing it because I was always really sober.

I mean, I was always really drunk, I was on drugs and all I can say is like, I have a friend who got sober 10 years ago and I used to go with her on dates because she was like, I am so terrified, I am so anxious like, and like, can you just come with me and like talk and like just, and I would do that

because we were best friends and we'd do it. And it got easier. You know what I'm saying? This was like her first year or two out and it just, it's just like a muscle, like getting comfortable talking to people again and feeling good about yourself. So it's all gonna come back to you and you're gonna be so grateful that you're too out and it's just like a muscle, like getting comfortable talking to people again and feeling good about yourself. So it's all gonna come back to you

and you're gonna be so grateful that you're doing it. So where you're gonna be like, how did I ever do it the other way? But you're not there yet. So these are all normal things I guess that you're feeling is what I wanna tell you in your healing process, in your recovery process. So.

Yeah, and I try to remember that. Yeah. And like, know it in the back of my head. I'm just frustrated at a point. Because a lot of people in early society also kind of when the drugs gone or the drink, they get like sex crazed. And I'm like, oh, why not me? I see both sides of it.

But also I do. Yeah, I see the pain that that usually causes to, and I'm like, I'm past. Right, like you're not trading alcohol for sex, like something you'll be like trading one for the next, right? But I get that, but that's one side of it. You could go off and have a lot of sex and then that comes back.

But I think taking your time and knowing that it might be awkward or you might have a few weird bad dates or like that you feel are bad, but it is, it's just gonna come back to you and you're gonna feel like so much more you when that happens. So I am just reminding you that you are on the right path I'm telling you someone I'm just meeting you now But all the things you're telling me sounds like you're in really good hands You're making really good decisions about yourself and your mental health and what you're prioritizing and that you're playing with your meds

When they don't feel right, you know, you're seeing your doctor. So I think you're gonna be you're gonna be fine here You are gonna be great and you're on your doctor, so I think you're gonna be fine here. You are gonna be great in your own right path. So just kind of take care of yourself right now and also practice just talking to people again, like whether you're an AA or your job or school, like that will feel good to you too, like just talking to people, even if it's not about sex,

but just feeling good having those conversations again. Because if you think about it's all conversations can be kind of different when you're learning a whole new way of being in the world. So those are just muscles you haven't used and you don't practice doing it again. Yeah. Okay. How does that feel to you?

Thank you. You're so welcome Chloe. Stay on the path and I appreciate your, appreciate for calling in. Thank you so much. Thanks. Okay. Have a great day. Bye. I love that Chloe said I just want to hear it because the truth is you guys sometimes we

just need someone else to tell us what we already know. Like typically we know the answers. We know we're not going to like, we know there's other single people or we know that, you know, we can build up such a case against ourselves which is so much easier to do to be like our own more enemies. So I'm happy to be here you guys to like help you continue staying the right path and continue to make decisions that work for you and not against you. Okay, guys, that was fun. So remember, you guys check me out on serious XM radio. The channel's called Stars 109 and it's starting November 12th, five days a week, Monday through

Friday, five to seven PM for more sex talk. It's going to be fun. We're going to have some new segments. It's still called Sex. We're gonna have some new segments. It's still called Sex with Emily. So if you're on a commute, live on these coasts, it's 8-10. Call in. I'm really excited. Tell your friends that they're serious.

So love that. And thank you everyone for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. For you, email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.