Sex With Emily - Coital Creativity: What’s Your Fantasy?

Episode Date: April 4, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about the most common fantasies we all have and what makes them so hot– plus, she’s taking your calls. She breaks down a few fantasies – from bondage to group sex, what to do when you love your partner – but are dangerously close to crossing the infidelity line, you think your husband has the “madonna/whore” complex – but it’s actually a lot deeper than that, and opening up about your love for wearing thongs when your wife buys you boxers. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Womanizer, Good Vibrations, SiriusXM, Calex Jopen Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily, and today's show I'm talking about fantasies, the most common ones we all have, and what makes them so hot. Plus, I'm taking your calls. Topics include, you love your partner, but are dangerously close to crossing the infidelity line. How do you pull back? You think your husband has the Madonna horror complex, but it's actually a lot deeper than that. And, underwork, opening up about your love for wearing thongs when your wife buys you boxers. All this and more, thanks for listening! They're gonna get through my, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm gonna feel so, so, so.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Check us out. Everywhere you listen to podcasts, we love when you subscribe to the podcast. That makes our life and your life a lot easier. We've got a lot of great posts on the website, sexwithemle.com. And can also listen to me on SiriusXM Radio, five days a week on Star's Channel 109. I'm there Monday through Friday, five to seven

pm Pacific, and if you want to get a free trial, go to sexwithemely.com slash SXM, or you can just call in five days a week. I'm there, AAA947, 8277. Also find us across the board, all social media at Sex with Emily. You'll be happy you did. Enjoy the show. I've been thinking a lot about fantasies and how they play into our sex life because I think just the concept of having sexual fantasies is complicated and confusing. Because we all, so first I want to say this, that having sexual fantasies is actually a big part

of having a healthy sex life. And a lot of what happens is we'll have a fantasy and we feel guilty about it or we feel shame and we think that it's actually wrong to have fantasies. But there are actually two types of fantasies. There's the fantasies that you actually want to happen with a partner one day and the ones that you just like to keep to yourself.

Go crazy in your mind. They make you feel good. That's those are the two different kinds. All important though. And I think, I think the confusing thing is that people, I think there's some kind of dysfunction to it and that we shouldn't actually have fantasies because it takes away from our own connection

to our partner. Maybe we think it's cheating. We think that it has to be something kind of out there and wild, but maybe we think we're not so crazy enough because I'm only fantasizing about oral sex, which is actually a top fantasy for women, to fantasize about oral sex. And in fact, fantasizing about your own partner is really helpful in relationships too, because you know that, that the more that you actually fantasize, and if you can throw your partner

into it every once in a while, you'll find yourself to be more attracted to them. It'll fuel new energy into the relationship. So thinking about your partner in a more central way can actually make you more attracted to them. So if you before we get into these other fantasies, like if you are a person that doesn't feel like you have fantasies, how can you tap into that? Okay. So here's a thing about fantasy though, well, they're important.

Some of us just never fantasize. I was a non-phanisizer, non-masterbate, or non-organism. Like, I think I started the base. I started where a lot of people are, and I was like, no, I think it'd be really cool to have fantasies, so I hear this a lot, and I'll get to my own story,

but, and that I'll tell people like, fantasy is really a healthy part of a relationship, because our mind, when I tell you that your brain is the largest sex organ, it's because our mind are what we're thinking about keeping sex top of mind, or that's the driving force in getting us turned on like in libido and arousal and we're often think like something's wrong with us. We're broken because you know, men get turned on differently than women. And we don't know why we're not having an automatic physical response. Where a guy gets erection.

So we need our minds sometimes to get us going there. And so, yeah, some of us naturally, like they have had fantasies since the beginning of time. I think that Michelle said she fantasized early on. Did you fantasize early? Real quick, what was your? My, like, I dislike porn. I've tried to watch porn multiple times and use that as a way to get off,

but I've found that fantasizing about... What do you fantasize about? That's just what I want to know now. Oh, okay, sorry. I fantasize about James Frank who are going down on me when I masturbate. So you are a very specific. Yeah. And like, that's been your one for a while. That's been my one for a while. James Frank are going down on you when I masturbate. So you are a very specific. Yeah.

That's been your one for a while. That's been my one for a while. James Franco going down on you when you masturbate. That's a pretty good fan of things. I always want to adopt that. So I thought, that's a good one. I think he's not too. Here's the thing.

Is that we, so oral sex, that's top-faircy for women. Oral sex, sex in public, sex in unusual location. But for me, I had to realize, okay, just pulling up. I'm talking about the sound. Can you all hear me? I'm here. Oh, man. I got to, like, I got to, like, if I'm looking at you, the gestures are for you.

If I'm looking over here, they're just pointing at this ceiling and like, do the leak again. It's not raining. It's'm looking over here, they're just pulling it, they're stealing it, like, dove a leak again. It's not raining. It's not raining in here. Okay, so how did I have one? So I realized when it was important, I wasn't really turned on. Sometimes I wasn't turned on until I was with a partner.

I was doing all the work I talked to you about about trying to get into my body and make more time for masturbation. And I started hearing about this fancy thing. And I was like, I don't know. I guess I think about women. Like I think about, that was always my go-to. Like the, boy, is it lesbian fantasy? I'm so very.

Very popular. Popular. I think it's funny to think about a popular fantasy. Just saying that, like, I do it too. Let's be sex! This is popular for women who even identify as straight. So that was my thing, but then I realized the more I looked at what my core erotic theme was, which is the concept we haven't talked much about on the show, but we all... This is how you find your fantasy. If you have something like a kernel in you that's like, oh, you know what? Yeah, I guess that's something that I think about. Perhaps it's one hot case you had with a partner. It could be the best sex you ever had.

Maybe you are in a beach somewhere and someone like with a part lover and the wind was blowing and the sun was going down. I've had to feel those. And I go back to those times and places where I can kind of get into the moment, the senses of what I was feeling. So if you don't have a fantasy,

go back to things that even if just one thing, or you really like kissing, and then you can start to create your own story around build from there. So then when you're like trying, you know, masturbating or thinking about sex, or even if you're not masturbating, but you feel like lately your libido and your drive has been a little lackluster

You can start to think about when I have I've been turned on and so but then some people just think about James Franco And they've got it going so these are just some ways to kind of fuel that Calls with anything your fantasies. I would love to know that and then if your sex questions triplet 947 8277 What about you Jamie Do you fantasize? I only recently started fantasizing maybe like a year ago. When I started, when I started watching more porn, it helped kind of get me thinking about things that I like as most of the time when I would masturbate, I really just thought about how awesome orgasm feels and that's what I would do. I would just like muscle memory it, like that's what I'm getting to,

and that's what would. Every time since you were masturbating, since you're beginning of masturbation. Since my masturbatory beginnings, yes. And then I started fantasizing, and now it's more of kind of a twist on previous sexual encounters that I've had. And then a lot of times too,

it's just like a faceless male, really hot body with a cute man, but just. For women, a lot of our fantasies are kind of faceless, nameless. Yeah. I could be a dance rango sometimes. Who knows, it doesn't matter. But I think, yeah, so then you, in the show,

we've talked about it. And so, but here's the good thing about fantasy too, is that, as long as you don't, I feel like there are problems with porn, for example. When you watch porn too much, for men, for example, we talk about this. It happens with men more than women where it's harder to have sex when you're constantly, when you only require porn to get off. But these are some scenarios. And also, same thing can happen for women.

I guess I'm thinking about connection and body and breath. That it's when I say your mind, your mind can also be the thing that gets you to start thinking about sex or thinking about a fantasy or just because there is a certain disassociation that can happen with fantasies with a partner. I'm not going to go there now. I'm going to talk to you about the most popular fantasies that a woman have. Ha ha.

Oral sex is the one that I wanna start with because this is a top fantasy, and you might think that you don't have any fantasies, and you've probably thought about receiving oral sex. So if you feel that there's a dearth of fantasies in your brain right now, plant that one and think about it. How does it feel when you receive oral sex from your partner or from anybody?

And it's also submissive. I think the reason why I know men fantasize about oral too. This isn't just women. Because where you don't have to do it, you're lying back. You can be the paleoprintis. It's Jamie Lys. I know. And it makes you feel like a pampered it, you're lying back. You can be the pillow princess. It's Jamie Lys. I know. And it makes you feel like a pampered.

Like you're like the queen. I don't throw in and we're just being ravaged and someone's cherishing me. I can't wait to like, please me. And a lot of us fentoral sex really hot. Yeah, I'm not surprised this is the top fantasy. Every, I don't think I've ever had a fantasy where oral sex was not involved.

I have to pretty much agree with you. This is interesting. The three of us. Okay, so do I need to really encourage you more to enjoy oral. Well, just if you haven't tried it. Give it try. Give it try. See what you like. Sex in an unusual location. This is a big one and let me tell you why. The reason why we fantasize about sex in a place, like even if it's in a hotel room, sex club, and the kitchen counter, somewhere out of the ordinary, it's because we are all craving variety. We're all craving something to stimulate our thoughts,

to turn us on, that's not the same old, same old. And so when we think of an unusual occasion with someone, it's just that's already exciting. So my hotel sex is so great. So I'm supposed to fantasize about hotel sex. It does the same thing. Infidelity. Infidelity. So you can be really happy with your partner.

You can be in love with your partner and find something really exciting about just the idea of cheating on them. Maybe it's dangerous. You think you're gonna get caught. Maybe you think about having that new sex connection. But keep in mind that if you want, it doesn't mean that you want to have it.

But if you do fantasize about having sex for someone else and you are married, healthy. We're not gonna judge you for that. So what you say? Would you say that this is a fantasy you keep to yourself? Yes, unless you've no this is how you well I thought this might lead to the how do you have the conversation about fantasies with your partner question. So you guys can call us with anything at all. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. Is that this made me think about the infidelity. Like we hear a lot of men who are into something called cuckolding, for example, watching their partner have sex with someone else.

And for some women, they might have those fantasies too. Like they might think I want to swap, or maybe I would someday like to be with someone. So it's really a matter of I can't I can't tell you whether or not you should which fantasies you should share which one you shouldn't because it's a case by case basis. What's your communication like in your current relationship with your partner? Have you ever talked about fantasies? So the fantasy conversation starts with just like, hey, let's talk about some fantasies that you have. Or do you ever fantasize, tell me what they are? Obviously you're not gonna lead with.

I fantasize about cheating on you. That's true. I think you know common sense. But maybe you could say, oh, I fantasized about us being somewhere having sex with other people. I don't think you'd leave that either. You fantasize about us being somewhere, having sex with other people. I don't think you leave that either. You fantasize about it.

Maybe a threesome. A threesome is a really great place to start. I think it's really common. I think you said you don't want to do it without them, but you thought it would be hot to see your partner hook up with someone else. That's how that conversation goes down. You don't say it to your girlfriend and say, I'm really looking forward to having a fantasy because without anything, a threesome.

I'd love to have a threesome with you and not follow it with like because I think it'd be hot and I wanna see what you think of it. You can't force it on them and then they're automatically gonna assume that maybe you just wanna be with their best friend. Oh. Being dominated top fantasy.

Definitely. I mean, you guys really, not just because of 50 shades. There's a lot of fantasy scenarios. Like, you can just picture your partner like holding you down like, you know, with their wrists or bonded or, you know, using some like bondage gear, pain, a little bit of pain, a little bit of spanking.

It's also being submissive kind of relinquishing control, although the dominant, the submissive has the power in the dominant submissive, kind of relinquishing control, although the dominant, the submissive has the power in the dominant submissive relationship. But you might also fantasize about dominating someone else. You might want to be the one to control. I just think fantasies are cool. I think when we hear from women all the time who are not getting turned on and not aroused or libido's, just start thinking.

I say, think sexy thoughts. Keep your pilot light lit. This is part of it. Sex with a celebrity. I don't have that. You don't shame do. So yeah, I mean, sometimes Charlie, honey, we've been over this.

I'm like, that's like the only actual face I fantasize about every time. It hasn't changed. Do you ever have a fantasy that you used to have? But you retired it? No, you just started. No, because I just started. So I haven't cycled through. I don't think I've ever,

I don't really go back to the same fantasies. There are usually different scenarios in certain ways. There might be similarities, but I kinda add a new twist. Right. Storytelling you as fantasy is storytelling it really is and since we like plots and themes especially like in female porn women

friendly porn it makes sense that you're like telling a story to yourself to your trying our fantasies and female fantasy women's fantasies are a little more elaborate sometimes because think about it's much like sex we don't just want to like I think for many other fans are kind of a mashup But like think of this girl in the spank bank if you were like this Then they are jack labor for women Just like we like for play anticipation teasing and build up we are telling ourselves the stories in our mind that's leading us towards fantasy. Do you ever? Like talk your fantasies through with yourself. I talk to myself sometimes during masturbation.

Out loud? Yeah. Like, give me an example. Oh, I don't know about this. Um, I mean, I guess like, I'll just like, when I'm in the situation, I will, and it helps me practice my dirty talk during. Like I just, I just try to like talk through like,

oh my god, that feels so good or keep going, hit that spot. I say certain things to myself. And then I think that does help me, at least when I am with a partner, and just be able to... Yeah, no, I love that. Because I don't like quiet sex. It's like my worst. Do you play music? No, well, that's a thing. I need the person to be vocal. And I like to be vocal, and that's the worst thing for me, is when I'm vocal, and need the person to be vocal. And I like to be vocal, and that's the worst thing for me

is when I'm vocal, and then the other person isn't, and then I'm just like, I can't handle that either. I can't. I'm like, are you alive, are you not, are you participating? We're doing something active. I don't, yeah. When I believe that it's a, let your partner know you're having a good time.

It's like if someone cooks you a meal and you just sit there straight face, you're like, did you like it? Do you not like it? Right. It's like, I hungry, do you stomach it? You just don't have to do it without a word? Yeah, without a word. It's like, sex cooks you a meal and you just sit there straight face like do you like it? Do you not like it? Right. It's like die hungry, do you mean the food without a word? Yeah without a word. It's like sex without a word or a moan.

You know again, that's something that we've trained ourselves to sometimes be more quiet, but I'm all for a loud, talky chatty dirty sex. Not chatty, I don't want to talk about the weather, but. Yeah, I just know what, everyone I've talked to about it doesn't seem to do that on their own, like when they're by themselves. No, I've never talked to myself alone. I've talked to myself a lot. I didn't do it. Actually, I talk when I sleep, apparently I talk in my sleep.

And I do not talk during masturbation. In fact, I talk all the time that's the one place I'd like not to talk, but it's interesting that you do. And I think that it makes a lot of sense. Move yourself along. Yeah. Just dirty talk. Okay, sexual massage. Happy ending massages are a popular search term on porn sites, especially for women.

These are women. It's the relaxation, slow calming movements, arousal, it's the height of arousal. They're taking away your stress and they're rubbing your body and they're coming at you with God knows what. I'm so excited. Put some shift to Mexico. Oh my God, can we please, you're so, your story.

I don't know if I can tell my Mexico story yet, but I am going to Mexico where I have had. It wasn't happy ending because it wasn't during the massage. You didn't pay for it, that's why. I didn't pay for it. But there's nothing like a guy who can give you a really good frickin' massage. That's all I gotta say.

And if your partner turns to you and says, what do I finance the best size about. And if your partner turns you and says, what do I fantasize about? Tell him something that turns you on that makes you feel good, that makes you feel relaxed and calm and saying, I would love a central massage from you babe, that is a big turn on. Who can argue with that? Or a foot massage?

Mm-hmm. Or here's the thing I wanted to mention. Romantic sex. A lot of my fantasies are romantic. Okay. I know. I don't want the rose petals on the bed and all that. I mean, I would take it once.

But what I like, I like the connection. I like connected sex. So I like kissing and making out and like touching and staring to other eyes. Like romantic sex, people think they have to have some kind of crazy BDSM thing, and I'm just like thinking about like a deep eye actually fantasize about deep emotional connection.

Ooh, and do you think that that is because you crave that, you really crave that, and you're like, I crave that, I crave that everywhere in my life, and I've realized that that's, do you feel like you're kind of all like, that's kind of like the base. Like I, it's interesting because, and I think I've, obviously,

I've had deep emotional connections with people, but how do I put this? The deeper you go, like I think we all think we're deep until you go deeper. Yeah. And then you keep going deep and deep. There's like a deepness between the, it's like peeling back the layers of the depth of the onion and then you're really, peeling back the layers of the onion. And of course, there's been times in my life where maybe it was

less deep, but yeah, I keep getting deeper and then don't you have it. You want more, but maybe some people, not everybody's craving deep emotional, but yes, for me. And I want that with my friends too. And I think it's harder sometimes to do in romantic relationships because we're so afraid of being hurt, being unlovable, and someone abandoning us and being alone. Ultimately. But with our friends, that deep emotional attachment is a little bit easier because it doesn't seem as risky as it is in romance. But I realize that that's just,

yeah, you can go everywhere from there. If you have deep emotional connection and trust, then you can go frigging dirty, crazy, whatever if you have that basis. Yeah, I mean, I tell 100% agree with that with friends. And I think the reason why I don't particularly, none of my fantasies have ever been romantic because it's a commitment and romanticism and all of that, like just is not where my head is at,

where has ever been at, I don't think. Like I don't think I've ever found a person to have this with so I've never experienced it so I can't even think about it. That makes sense, maybe it's exactly. Now you know, now you know it's on the menu. See, I didn't know, like years ago, I wouldn't even think about it. That makes sense. Maybe it's exactly. Now you know, now you know it's on the menu. See, I didn't know it like years ago, I wouldn't have known that was on the menu, but now that I've like tasted it, you're in there in life.

I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, that's it, that's it. Alright guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back onto your calls. Let's talk to Jonathan, a 41 in Pennsylvania, who says he's not sexually attracted to his wife anymore. Okay. Hey, Jonathan. Tell me what's going on. Married for eight and a half years, a seven-year-old and a five-year-old. When we got together, I can't say I was in the best place, but she's a

great woman. In the sex life, I got to say it's been okay, but over the past four years, it's not existing. I'm average in sex maybe four times a year if I'm lucky. Right. If two young kids. Yeah. of two young kids and Yeah, um But despite conversations about it. It just you know, she keeps promising and promising and saying and saying it's just not going anywhere and

I have become way too comfortable with masturbation Which is something I couldn't even do and didn't even do until I'm late 20 Like I married at 32 and At this point, I don't know I'm not the type of guy. I mean it's funny and I'll be honest because I'm having this conversation with you because the woman I was thinking about having an affair with which I didn't. She actually suggested a call in tonight she was. And it's just to the point now where I want to have sex. I'm a very sexual person. I used to be in a swinging and I went from like swinging and said living in San Francisco

swinging to now like married kids and like nothing. And I'm tired of masturbating. Yeah, yeah. And to the point now where the frustration is kicked in then, and I'm not attracted to my wife anymore. Right, right. Yeah, I don't want to end my marriage, but I don't want to deal. But don't have an affair before you end your,

I mean, listen, this is how I feel, Jonathan. You've got two young kids, and it sounds like it's gone. It's just gone on too long, and maybe you've talked to her and said, oh, we should have sex, Lauren. She's like, yeah, yeah, I'll work on it. But who knows, after two kids, her body body her hormones are all over the place she's watching the kids as she have helped with the kids. Um like what.

Well I'm a very active parent so we split duties a lot you know it's like I'm cooking I'm cleaning I'm doing all the stuff in the house I'm not like you know she doesn't carry it all. Right. Well have you talked to her about why she thinks you guys aren't having sex when you've talked her about it. Yeah. Well, have you talked to her about why she thinks you guys aren't having sex when you've talked her about it? Well, yeah. What did she say?

She's tired. A lot. She's always tired. Right. Right. Now, I'm sure she is. It's exhausting, but I guess she does. And how was the sex at the beginning?

So-so. So-so, like you weren't satisfied? It's not. I got was satisfied, but I had way, way better and that's a problem and it's so, so why'd you get married? I was in the swinging. I was swinging pretty hard for a couple of years. Yeah, and San Francisco is a good town to swing in.

So listen, but Jonathan, so, I mean, so you just met her and you fell in love because you were ready to have kids did she you know? I hear the thing if it wasn't there in the beginning. I was a very tumultuous I was in a very bad relationship and she was very calming very it was a total different thing I just Who in hindsight it was it was it was like? Nirvana it was like peace It was like this is how it's supposed to be.

And then maybe at the time I just kind of overlooked the lack of sex part. And now it's like, well shit, I missed that. Right. So you don't think, do you think if you went back one more, because here's my thing, I don't believe, I just don't think that cheating and affairs are a good idea. And I think the energy that you're spending right now with this woman and it's exciting and it's going to feel great. I promise you, it's going to be amazing.

And then you may be talkers up into kind of just kind of co-existing with your wife. But kids can feel that. You just stay tuned for our next segment. We're going to get into this. Should you stay married for the kids? And so I often, you know, I try to coax people towards that in the sense of if you think you can really make it work, have you done anything before you end of the marriage? Like, have you guys gone to therapy yet?

Have you said to her, if this doesn't, like, we need to work on our sex life because if we're not having sex, we're like roommates. Like, I love you and I want to make it work. Are you, do you really truly think in your heart your past that point, like, your past, you can't get it back? Because it was number there.

Or what do you think, Jonathan? Honestly. I know, I wouldn't say, I I'm close. I'm not there. I'm never going to give up in because of my child. I'm not going to leave my children. I feel bad that I started down that path and I kind of got into somebody and I do feel kind of bad about that. We never we haven't gotten physical. I'm not judging you. I understand all that. No, no, no.

We all do that when we're not satisfied. And someone else is, seems great. I get it. I've been there too. I'm just saying like, what I think the best thing to do now is to like put on like to make this your full-time job. Because then you'll know in three months. Like if you're like, okay, babe, we gotta, I love you.

It hasn't been great. Four times a year, it doesn't work. And you'll say this in a couple, I don't know if you've listened to the show But I'm all about like not having in the bedroom the conversation Sex is okay in the bedroom not you know and talking about it like in a loving like what are we gonna do together because sex is so important It's our glue. I want you to feel sexy again Let's go see a sex therapist. Let's go get some help and then you go for three months and you go once a week And you work on it and then you know three months from now, this woman that's having you call in, maybe she,

maybe you guys are a little great set, you'll know that it's not going to work with your wife, but maybe it will. But I don't think you should stay together as is for the kids just because you had a messed up childhood too. You know what I'm saying? Or your parents didn't. That's not the reason to stay together. Kids can feel everything that like sponges. They absorb all the negative energy. They absorb bombing, daddy, art and love. So it's really about you deciding, am I gonna, can I stick it out? Can I see if we can, can I honestly be an honest,

stick with her for three more months and really go at it like it's my job? Cause it is and then I'll know more in three months. That's what I suggest. Finding a really good therapist. Yep. Yeah, what do you think? Okay. Yeah.

I mean, to the point, definitely now where we need a therapist or stuff like that. You do. Some type of intervention. No, Jonathan, this is your at the point. I don't always say therapy for everyone, but you know, at your point, I'm telling you, you're already the point where you're like, I'm about to have a affair. It's never coming back. I'm not attracted to her.

So you've two choices here. Either you get into therapy, hardcore with her, a commit or you leave. But I don't think you can leave until you know you've done everything you can do to make it work. It's three more months early. And one quick other question. One quick other question if you don't mind. Of course not.

Okay. I'm a little de-sensitized because of the amount of masturbation. I was becoming a three-time, a day guy. Okay, yeah. It's a lot. All right. Oh, you're becoming desensitized. You got to stop masturbating too. Colt Turkey. How's that? This is a good thing for you, Jonathan. I think you got to go and talk to your wife and be honest and be like, I don't want to have to masturbate. I want to be able to, because every time that you go to masturbate, what I'd love you to do, Jonathan, is to

take a moment and it's like an impulse control thing. Like, should we have this extra cookie or should we wait a minute and breathe and go walk around the block like when you're trying not to eat? So porn is kind of the same thing, but what I'm going to ask you to do is say this energy that's going me to switch on my computer and watch porn, can I take that and sex think about my wife for a minute? Can I get the contract those feelings about my wife and mess and sex and and how used to feel about her? Can I bring that energy back into my body? Try that. Because you know the sensitivity, like there's a lot, yeah, it is hard, but you got

that switch, got to do. Maybe even go in and talk to her, you start giving her a foot rob, our back robbing. You know, because for women, we don't get turned on the same way men do we? Men are like, you know, you guys are like frying pans. We are slow cookers. We need to get turned on, aroused. So it's something that there's a lot of underlining issues here. We got to take a break, but I think that's some good help for you, Jonathan. And I think you should kind of do some of those things and work on yourself and your marriage

right now before jumping in bed with someone else. It's like to Jen, 42 in Pennsylvania. She says her husband has a Madonna whore complex and she needs help on how to fix it. Hi Jen. How you doing? Thanks for calling. Hi Emily. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. So Madonna whore, let me just explain it. Tell me if this is accurate with you, but so you might not know. It's kind of like, accurate with you, but someone who might not know. It's kind of like when they say, like, you know, the guy wants a lady in the streets

and a freak in the sheets, but once he gets with his wife, he's like, he has like, once he gets with you, like, you're married, it's hard for him to be really sexual because he pictures you as like his wife and the mother of his children. So it's hard for him to be more sexual with you than he would like to be getting to see you as a mother. That's kind of what it is defined as.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. That's the rest. Cool, okay. Just for our listeners out there. And all right, so what's going on with you? Tell me, time with history. Well, we've been married for 14 years together, 16 years, and he never, he always had trouble

ejaculating and completing inside of me or, and he told me that was happened in previous experiences. Okay. But it wasn't bad for the first couple of years after we got married. But then we started to try to have children. We had some difficulty with that. I had to go through inter-uterine insemination and I ended up having a miscarriage. After that, it was, you know, it's basically a chore for him and it's, you know, a few times a year.

Okay. Well, this isn't about Madonna horror then. Madonna horror is more like, I don't want to do all these things, but now you're my wife, I can't have sex with you and rever you sexual. I can't see you as a sexual object. So this sounds to me like he's got some, he's got some challenges around, he is delayed ejaculation essentially, which is a condition that like I think it's less common than premature ejaculation Maybe it impacts like 3% of men and they're not really sure why what it is

It's kind of tricky, but it just means that it takes some 30 minutes or longer to ejaculate typically They can't like even it's a little quicker during masturbation But not always and so it sounds like he's turning this on you and he's always been this way Yeah, so he's making you feel bad about it that like oh, it's on you and he's always been this way. Yeah. And he's making, so he's making you feel bad about it that like, oh, it's because you're my wife or whatever the hell, but that's not true. He's got delayed ejaculation. That's untreated and on, on under, not understood.

So that's, he's gone to some sex therapist, not for, you know, extended therapy, but somewhere along the line, someone told him that it was the Madonna horror complex. So there's a link that on. But that's okay. So he linked on to a piece of information to serve him that isn't true. And he probably didn't tell the therapist that he never ejaculated with other women. So maybe they were trying to get to people go to therapy. This is just on a side note.

People go to therapist and lie all the time and it pisses me off. It's like, why don't you just say that 200 bucks and just flush it down the drain. You're paying someone for help and then you're not telling the truth. So Jen, no, no, none of the sex therapy I know would say that if he said he had ejaculated ever. He feels insecurity around it. He's never really had injected ever he feels it's a security around it he's never really pop to the fact that it's a challenge and so that's what it is gen

that's why he's not having sex because it is a chore for him because he can't ejaculate doesn't know why it could have started because do you know if he master bates it does a lot more than uh... i think more so uh... years years ago but not as much recently. But I think I don't know he's six years older than I am. So he grew up like at the height of the AIDS epidemic.

And I think that that maybe wraps up in it also a fear of contracting AIDS, even though he always had protected sex. I mean, maybe, sure, that could be it too. Maybe he was so afraid of getting some impregnant that he trained his body never to eject. All that's true. That was long, that was in the 90s though.

That was 25 years ago, maybe that that happened, right? So that was, I just think, and I remember that too. That was a, that was in the 90s though. That was 25 years ago, maybe that that happened, right? So that was, I just think, I remember that too. That was a big thing. But still now, as a 48 year old man, then he needs to disassociate his sexual activity with the fear of getting pregnant with somebody's married. You know what I'm saying? So you're just doing all this on your own.

And would he ever have real conversations with your book at X-Nyroid as speculating? But I don't like him blaming you. How was everything else in the marriage? I think it's okay. I'm not great. Well, you're not getting your needs met Right and that and that makes the problems You know the everyday problems worse. Yeah, of course. See, this is what, who, who were we talking to earlier, Catherine from Canada who was saying,

why is sex important? It's like because when it's not a problem, it's not a problem, but when it is a problem in the relationship, it's like becomes like 75 to 80% of your problems. Because if you're not having sex, it's like, it's the umbrella to everything else but we don't look at it.

So yeah, Jan, it sounds like if you guys want to stay together and make this work, I would go see a sex therapist together. Don't even mess around with another crime because this is something like this is a real thing. So, approaching with love, let's do it together and if we're committed to being together, let's work on our sex life. Well, let's talk to Ryan Forty in Canada.

He says he has a fetish with women wearing thongs. Cool. Hey, Ryan. Thanks for calling. Wearing women's thongs. Sorry. Wearing with women wearing tongues. Cool. Hey, Ryan. Thanks for calling. We're wearing women's songs, all right? We're wearing women's songs. Sorry. Hey, John.

So, and you're the douchebag leaving alone. Right? He has a douchebag. Right. Thank you, Ryan. You're your own, yeah, you're 40. Yeah, you got it. You knew that.

Ryan, you knew this at 36. You're 40. You wouldn't have been that kind of guy. Yeah. OK. A serious question for you. Okay. 20 years old, the 40 years old, the 30 years old, I was in a very open relationship swinging

my style, right? Mm-hmm. That ended, I met this amazing woman. We're not swinging. She never had slung. We're not swinging, she never has long. Pretty much to the kinkyest while this best sec I've ever had in my life. Okay. The reason I'm calling though, so I'm asked to be at a lot. I drive, I do 10,000 miles a month.

I get home for four days, it's great four days. A lot of times I come on road with me, but for some reason I like to wear women's thongs. Okay, you like to wear them. I'm okay. Alright. Yeah, I like. Okay. Super. That's common. I don't like guys. I don't like guys like have been in between relationships where we got double penetration, you know, post quarters doesn't attract me. Right. Right. Yeah. My wife, my wife found that I got she walked in on me with a pair of her thong. They know who there. Okay. She wasn't bad. She wasn't right. She's curious. Why? She wasn't bad. She wasn't right. She's curious why. She doesn't turn her on. But we like, I'm talking to you guys in really deep sense. Okay. So, but so now I'm kind of questioning why am I, why do I like to wear? You know, it's, there's a thing. It's, it's super because

why do you like it? Do you remember the first time you, me, this is common to Ryan. So this isn't like such a freaky, like I hear this often. And I think, triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. I know we're going to get some more calls on this. So just know that it's like, what, you tell me like, when was the first time you find that hot? You found that sexy, you know? You thought, oh, wearing my wife's underwear would be hot, you know?

Oh, I would have been a lot. Wow, maybe just before I met my ex in the singing life, one of the girls I had dated for a while, did she like me to wear her songs while she's streaming? I've always been outside of the box. Like, sex has been... Right, okay. What is that?

Yeah, so that's what it was. She liked it. That was like a very pivotal time in your life. Maybe it was the hottest sex you had. And you were like, oh, I'm gonna, so you got in your brain that became like connected to pleasure. And so you like to wear it. So I would say your wife isn't into it. I think that's fine.

Get your own pairs, order my Amazon, something. I went to Boston, that's the thing. Tommy John, go to TommyJohn.com. Forget Amazon. I don't have a Tommy John. Oh, Tommy John go to Tommy John dot com Forget him. I don't have a Tommy John. Oh, Tommy John dot com. Yeah, the wonder was actually kind of honest It really is like the most comfortable like it's their thoughts anyway I don't you go where about you never have to take them off anyway the point is get your own don't stress her's out and like now Here's my thing though if you want to So why do you like it because you you know exactly, you know, you linked it up to that.

Now, are you okay not wearing them in front of your wife? Is it your wife, you said, right? Yeah. Are you comfortable not? Or would you like her to kind of come around to it somehow? Because she just doesn't get it. You know what I'm saying? It's not something that other men have showed her.

So she's like, huh? Or are you okay if it just becomes your masturbation thing and you just do other things with her? But then I'm hiding it from her, right? Right, well, right. Okay, so you're saying she caught you one. Yeah, so I think it's a matter of like, you got how many of you guys been together? I'm married for six together for almost nine. Okay, so I think if you, so I think it's more like you just tell her that it's

something that that turns you, I think it's starting with first here. What are the kind of things that turn her on? Like you said you guys do some kinky stuff, right? Like, okay, so we're from water sports to stretchers, why do you can't treat, you know, to the gill is myself in there. Okay okay. We don't we do a lot of camping totally naked. That's everywhere. It's just I got it. So this one thing she might think it means it yeah okay good so she'll be down with it. She just was like thrown off like she had never seen it and it was confusing to her but if you're just like yeah this is the thing I've been doing it was really hot

when I was in the scene before and that that's, you know, I want to see, but does she want to dress up as or like, what would be, I think you just kind of explained or that it gives you pleasure and why. Like, she knows, you know, you're not, doesn't mean that you're into men. Just explain something that you find hot and it's your turn on and then you've got to find out

what turns her on. Like, well, maybe there's something she's like holding. We all have things we don't really want to say, even though you guys have done everything. Maybe let her lead this. Sounds like you've been bringing the kinky lifestyle. You kind of brought her into that world. Uh, yeah, I don't even say that.

Okay, so here's what's here's what you do, Ryan. Next time you make it about her, say, you know what, I thought, don't even make it about the underwear yet. Maybe you could have this in the same conversation, but say, I know I've brought a lot, but when I'm on the road this time, when I'm gone, I need you as a homework assignment to, you know, read some erotica, buy something sexy, read, read, report, like, you know, watch porn, find something that's hot, and then I want you to share with me your hottest fantasy in a video when we phase time, text it to me.

And then she's going to get excited when you're gone, because you're going to give her permission to find what turns her on, right? So she's got something exciting. And then you bring in the underwear. I mean, you could even do this in the same conversation but what I'm saying is she doesn't get it. She thinks, oh, maybe he wants a good man or it's gay. But I understand it.

You've just fetishized it. Which I don't love that word. Because I think it's kind of fun. Like we were laundry, we were your own thing during sex. So I just think it's a matter of bringing her around to it and reframing it. Tell her the truth. Why it happened?

You're 20s, you got to cut. You know, this is your wife. So I think she's going to get it then. It's that she didn't understand it. So just some great, how steamy conversations. Next time you see her, it'll be great. And then you'll be wearing women's under a bi-erome pair

and it's all good. Thanks, Ryan. Keep you posted. Thank you very much. All right, you're welcome. That's under a bi-ron pair and it's all good. Thanks Ryan, keep you posted. Alright, you're welcome. That's what I'm here for. Alright guys, thanks for listening, I hope you enjoyed this show and thanks to our amazing team Ken, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.

you