Sex With Emily - Come Again? Orgasms, Swallowing and Swiping

Episode Date: April 14, 2017

Dating apps; so many people use them, yet the stigma still remains. The hook-up culture linked to the world of swiping leaves some feeling defeated or desperate, but single people in search of love or company keep coming back! There has to be some success…right? On today’s show, Emily is diving deep into why we bother with online dating, as well as answering some of your most perplexing sex questions! How do you dominate your partner in bed? What can you do when your partner has a fear of semen? How do you get your man to stop asking you that cringing “did you cum” question? Emily gives her expert advice on these coital conundrums and more. Plus, she reveals some surprising stats on dating apps that might just make you reconsider their unsavory reputation. Join us! Thank you or supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: System Jo, Magic Wand, Sportsheet and Adam & Eve. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on Today's show, Online Dating. Why do any of us do it? And today's podcast we're tackling this in other confusing sex and dating situations. Today's topics include, How to Dominate Your Partner in Bed, Trouble Embracing Your Sexuality, What to Do in Your Partner has a Fear of Seaman? Plus, the best way to make sure your partner never asks, Did you come? That's a worse question. Okay everyone, thanks for listening. They call them in a bag on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta understand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm gonna feel so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. We can check out all the things happening there.

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So I just want to welcome the newcomers. Thank you. I'm so glad you're here. I love the earl here, because you know we're all in this together. We all want to learn how better sex and relationships just keep listening I promise it will happen and I want to keep this momentum going So if you like this show tell a friend and we love when you subscribe to the podcast

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it's all at sex with Emily. Okay, so as a lot of you know, I'm talking about this lately, I am online dating again. Yes, it feels like a second job, and it's kind at sex with Emily. Okay, so as a lot of you know, I've been talking about this lately, I am online dating again. Yes, it feels like a second job, and it's kind of overwhelming. I swear to God, okay, so I'm a bumble. And I know there's a lot of different apps now, but I like the concept of bumble

because here's the thing with bumble is that it's one of those swipe apps. So if you're new to apps, it's a swipe app. So you're looking at people's pictures and you're swiping right. If you're interested, and if there's a match, it says, boop, you've matched. And the thing about Bumble is, women have to make the first message.

Even though you matched, the guy doesn't know that you match. I gotta be clever and funny and smart and send a message based on his profile. I can do that. I can observe their profile and say something. Like, I had a dislike a second job. It gets overwhelming, so I've get these matches and then I start a conversation

and it's like, I already can't or forget to text my mom back because it's busy. I've got 20 guys named Dan and Matt, they're all named Matt. They're all named Matt. I've got three guys in my phone now saved Matt Bumble and I don't know which one is which and I've got like three David button and so we're like, oh it's David from Bumble and then I got to go back and look but here's the thing. I do think that even though it's you know and I tend to get overwhelmed by these little things. I talked to a friend recently he's dating a line he's like oh you know me I'm OCD I though it's, and I tend to get overwhelmed by these little things, I talked to a friend recently, he's dating a line,

he's like, oh, you know me, I'm OCD, I've got a spreadsheet, and I'm like, that's actually not a bad idea. I should start a spreadsheet to keep track of these people because it's gonna happen. People pop up and we all get busy with our lives, but here's the thing about it. I'm gonna keep doing it because here's why.

I want to meet people in real life, sure, and I will meet people in real life, and I do meet people, IRL, hashtag IRL, in real life. But it's a numbers game, guys. So if you're thinking like, oh, I can't find anyone, I live me people, IRL, hashtag IRL in real life. But it's a numbers game, guys. So if you're thinking like, oh, I can't find anyone. I live the worst, you know, where I live is the very worst town to date in which everybody says I'm telling you I've never met anybody who says, you know what? I live in the best town ever to date and you should move here.

No, nobody says that. New York says are the worst towns ever. It's just go LA, all of them, wherever you are. I get it. But if you're out in the world, you can be bold, but this is just a numbers game, you're online, you're sitting on your couch, you're sitting at work, you're doing your, going through your life, and there's like all these people at your fingertips,

literally that you can meet. And if you really do want to find someone or whatever your purpose, hooking up, having a relationship, you probably can meet someone online and you will. I'm sticking with it, and I think that you should all try it out if you haven't done it yet. And I've got a story I'm going to get into in a minute which I which made me think about this would be a good way to open the show because there is a survey about apps because a lot of people think like,

Oh God, isn't it just a hook up app like Tinder every once in a while? It's like, it's only a hook up app if you choose to hook up. No one's going to be like, you better hook up with me. I mean, you guys, you all have a choice if you want to hook up. No one's gonna be like, you better hook up with me. I mean, you guys, we all have a choice if you wanna hook up with someone, okay? Consentially, you can say, I consent to a sex through or I do not. I've never found that anyone was like, I thought you were gonna hook up with me tonight.

So I really think it's the intention you set out there. And again, it's good to just try it out. Try whatever you want. And also, if you're like, well, I want people in real life, then I'm gonna challenge you. What have you done differently in your life to meet somebody? If you do the same thing every day, and you take the same root home from work and you go

to the gym and you see your friends and you go to the same bar and you take whatever your routine is, you get coffee at the same place, you might not meet someone. But have you signed up for a new class or said yes to one of those random Facebook invites you get from someone you don't know because you're like, I don't know anyone there. Guess what? That's where that person could be, that you like, that you know, a lot of these apps are based on friends of friends and stuff like that. So if someone invited you, you could meet people there.

You could meet a new friend that can introduce you to someone. So just get out there, commit to like one night a week that you're going to do something that's outside your comfort zone to meet someone because that's just how it's going to happen. Someone does not just fall down your chimney. This new love of your life is that's gonna show up. I've tried, it does not work. I even have a chimney in my new house,

nobody has showed up. Okay, so there was a survey that came out that said more than 13% of couples who met on dating apps get married or engaged. How about that? So, the myth of dating apps only being for hookups still exist, I get that but new data shows that's totally ridiculous So they want to give an idea of how common long term relationships from dating apps actually are in the real world and

Spoiler more common than you think so they talk to a bunch of dating app users ages 18 to 65 and there's a lot of serious Relationships coming from the swiping. So I feel like I know a ton of people have been online and again, I don't really think there's a stigma anymore. I used to be like, I remember going to wedding 10 years ago and whatever Apple was, I think they met on match. She's like, don't tell anyone, but we met on match. I guess we were one of my best friends

and now they'd be like, oh yeah, we met on match. It's not a weird thing, so thank God that stigma's gone. But now I think there's a stigma that if you join one of these swipe apps, which are so easy because you can do them anywhere, that it's just for hooking up. So that doesn't exist anymore either. But here's some points that came out in the study that I think are very important here. Number one, most people are looking for something long-term. So contrary to popular belief, a whopping 38% of men and 44% of women are looking for long-term

relationships on the apps. I think that's interesting. Everyone thinks that it's just hooking up? your popular belief of whopping 38% of men and 44% of women are looking for long-term relationships on the apps. I think that's interesting. Everyone thinks that it's just hooking up? No, people want long-term relationships and who knows, maybe you are just looking hook up. That's okay, but I think eventually you're not. And then eventually you're long-term relationship and you break up and then you are looking hook

up. So I'm not going to say that everybody exists in some different plane of this world. So people want to hook up, they don't, but it doesn't matter. But right now, apparently people are looking for long-term relationships. The other interesting thing that I still, I find this confusing, other things are looking for new friends, 10% of men are looking for new friends, 12% of women are looking for new friends, casual relationships, 22% of the men are looking for casual, 14% of the women, and this is just odd while someone explains this to me, 2.9% of men men looking for casual, 14% of the women, and this is just odd while someone explains this to me.

2.9% of men are looking for 3 drinks slash a meal, and only 0.8% of the women. Who's buying all these guys' food? And meals, unless the women are just lying, I don't know, I just would think that'd be skewed a little higher, in the other way. Also boosted self-esteem. 7% of the men looking for a self-esteem. 5.3% are women looking for higher self-esteem. That's the other thing. If you're just like, you know what? I'm just getting out of a relationship where I've been dating a while.

Dating online can do that. It not only boosts your self-esteem, but it can just kind of get your groove, get your mojo back. Just go out and start dating. If you're like, oh, it's not a great date, have fun with it. Maybe it's a new friend. Your practice dating, you know, it is sort of like a muscle. Like dating is sort of this muscle that if you don't use it, you will kind of lose it over time So you start getting your you know, chatting is down or whatever it is you do on a date Number two over 13% that they got engaged or married from an app. I totally believe this. I've here this all the time So a quarter people said they'd never had more than one or two dates off apps

7% had reached between six months in a year 15% reached reached longer than a year, and 14% engaged are married so that can happen. Okay, most people, another point here is most people have never said had a one night stand from an app. Okay, if it's barely over 50% of people, but still, that's not really a hook up app, well, 50% of the people never had a one night stand from the app. Don't worry so much about the hook up thing,

but maybe you want a hook up. I think you're all, you guys, I think you can kind of get whatever you want as app. You can get a free meal, drinks, a blowjob. I don't know. That's all available for you. You choose. Okay, these are the things that I love. I love getting into this like data of like what makes turns people on and off at the app. So here you go. Photos and descriptions are the most important factors when you're swiping. So what actually comes into play when using the apps, photos, most important for men,

but if you look closely, you'll see that women cared more about the descriptions. So it kind of just breaks down that men care more about the photos and the women, which doesn't really surprise me. They broke it on a common interest, friends in common, whatever. So photos and descriptions take some time doing it.

But here's the other thing and I said this three a few weeks ago on the show shirtless photos and group shots are turn-offs. I was saying this I was like why does every guy have a shirt off standing in a group of friends. First of all, I've got two this is a quick this like fast food of apps like I've got two seconds side of it like you're not in you're standing there with six guys with sunglasses on that all look like you I'm swiping left. I don't know who you are don't waste my time and just like don like you I'm swiping left. I don't know who you are Don't waste my time. I just like don't take your shirt off I just I don't know I don't need to see your body. I'm not impressed or I am impressed or doesn't matter

Just I don't know what is about guys. It's kind of good closing that dick pick family Like I don't want to see you with your shirt off before I know you and I don't want to see your dick Just don't that's a turn off and I think I'm assuming they're talking about men here And I think group shops for women and I think if no one's gonna play in a women are doing shirtless photos and I think I'm assuming they're talking about men here. And I think group shops for women, I don't think if no one's gonna play into the women or doing shirtless photos, but I think that happens. And I think group shots with women too, same thing. I get it if you're blonde in your first photo and if you're with your brunette friend, maybe we could figure it out, but just have shots yourself.

Just make our life easier. Finally, being funny is key. When it comes to messaging, people are responding to people being funny, saying something funny, okay? You don't like you have to be a goddamn comedian. Just say something like comment on their photo, you know comment on their pictures, you know like say something I don't know whatever like I'm trying to think it's like funny right now. I need to pull out of that But just like just say something other than okay, I was gonna say something other than hey, but guess what here's the preferences

29% want something funny 23% they'd like a question that directly rates their profile and 17% said that hey, is okay. Saying hey, works. Apparently not high, but hey. And only 8% want something flirty and 6% want a compliment, and I agree. Guys who are like you the beautiful profile,

your pictures are great. I think to myself, I know that's why you say it to my photos. So, well, I cannot emphasize the importance of compliments enough on this show. I talk about them all the time that when you're in a relationship or dating someone, compliment them 10 times a day. And I know that men always argue with me that that's too much. And I only say it's 10 because if you do it once, she'll be really happy. And so, well, men like compliments as well.

First message is, though, I know they get a lot of you stumped. You're like, I don't know what to say in the first message. You know, how do I do it? Even though, hey, is okay. Let's just try to get a little bit more creative. And I got to admit, being on Bumble, I was like, oh my God, I have to the first message. And it really took me like a day.

I was like, oh, what am I going to do? And now I'm like, it kind of enjoying it. I actually am enjoying it. And I'm like, I got this. And it's not because I'm like knocking out one liner. I was like, oh, it's just like, I can look at their profile and find something kind of to connect with that stands out. And that's not because I'm like knocking out one liner. It's like, oh, I can look at their profile and find something kind of to connect with that stands out and that's a little different.

Okay, so here is an example. So here's a guy and he said in his profile that he is a music lover, Globe Trotter. He's 6'1 and with the hair he's 6'4. So what I said to him was, just don't cut the hair and this should work out fine Hi, and I use his name. I always use their name because I think it makes it personal. So I like to say is my high-pop So see what I mean. I just looked at one thing. I made a comment You just look at their profile and pull something out. So here's another one. He says I'm sarcastic I'm a writer never lost a spelling bee still a little at home in my parents' basement,

and needed girlfriend so they don't think I'm gay. Okay, so he's a funny guy, I messaged him back. I said to him, they probably already think you're gay, but hey, we can give it a try. Hi, Bob, again, his name's Bob. So I just, and he was like, yeah, they know, and then we went on and on, and he was really funny. He's like, yeah, they know, the kid angle didn't work either.

And then, you know, then we got off on, you know, just chatting, and it was really fun. So don't spend a lot of time stressing about it. It's kind of fun. If you look at it, you use your creative juices flowing, but again, hey, works too if you really don't feel like you can pull something out of here. But most people are giving you information,

something from their photos, even if you both traveled to Patagonia, mentioned that. Show that you wrote there, you know, because other apps, the women don't have to take the first message. So, for a man, woman, whoever you're dating, just show that you read the app. Don't have a canned response, we can tell what that is. My point here is that, just try some of these apps, stop writing them off of your single or just put yourself out there in the world.

If you want to meet somebody, you will. There are plenty of people on the planet for you to date. I promise. And I'm going to keep you posted on my journey here. Okay, now we're going to give a little shout out to our sponsors. Thanks so much for supporting them. We appreciate it. Okay, now we're onto your emails.

Thank you, everyone, for emailing me. You can just go to sexwithemily.com. Click on the Ask Emily tab, and then you just send a question. And we get it right away, right to our website. So easy, you can also leave me a voice mail, eight, one, eight, two, seven, five, seven, nine, three, one. This is on the website, all this information,

and also includes your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to this show. Okay, hi Emily. I've been dating a woman for about a month. We've had sex multiple times, but it's been conventionally time. She recently shared that she likes to be dominated and tied up, spanked, blindfolded, etc. And I would love to give her what she desires, but I've never experienced that before. I want to give her amazing sex instead of just good. Any tips and how to approach it?

Thanks, Calvin. Calvin, thank you for asking this question because I get, Calvin. I understand how hard it is for men. I mean, because first of all, when a woman in so many ways sex is hard for men because your shoes take the lead, you know, we're expecting to know all these things that you don't know. But especially when it comes to domination, dominating women. Peace all your life you're told, respect women, treat them kindly, you know, be gentle,

don't hurt them. And it's really hard, I think, for men sometimes, like draw the line between sexual contact and assault. Men are kind of raised doing where that line is, and then all of a sudden, you have a woman saying, spank me, choke me, and you're like, I don't know what to do here. And you literally might not know what to do. Like, how do I do this? Once she gives you permission, which she did,

she tells you what she wants. She wants you to be robbed with her. I can still be bewildering, because you're like, what exactly do you mean? Like, rough, because what she says. She wants to be dominated and bad. You have to be again, be kind to yourself, because you probably think that you're expected to know.

And again, you're not supposed to know, especially you've never done it. I remember it's like learning a new skill. And here's why I like you, ask this because I'd say a good majority of the questions I get in are about couples trying to communicate out what they want in bed and then expressing their frustration that they're not getting it. They're like, I asked them three times. You know, I asked them to go down to me. He doesn't or, you know, I tell her that I really wanted to initiate sex and she won't. And it's because we want to please our partners. We're in a relationship. I think all of us want our partners to be happy, but sometimes we hear those

things where like, I don't know what you mean, like what do you mean by it? So it's never too early for you to have a conversation with her about it. This is great, Kevin, because she opened up to you. She told you what she likes, so you totally have the green light to ask her for more info. Clearly she's okay talking with you, and she was specific. She's like, I want handcuffs, I want blindfolds,

I want to be spanked, that's cool. Say, you know what, babe, I've been thinking about how hot it would be to do this. Like, I would love to do this. So what did you have in mind? And maybe she could say, maybe she'll have some ideas for you. You could be like, I want to try this weekend. Tell me who you had in mind. Like she could say, maybe she'll have some ideas for you, you could be like, I want to try this weekend.

Tell me who you had in mind. Like the other day I was masturbating thinking about, you tied up and it was hot. What were you thinking? Just start talking about it. Great way to start is a verbal power play. If you've never done it, and again, you guys, it's okay to try something new and bad

and to laugh, feel uncomfortable and awkward. Okay, we are not all masters of sex at all. And especially when we're learning something new. But tell her what to do in a dominant way. Like get on your knees. You can be like, okay, get on your knees. Put your head down. You know, show me your ass. You can say good girl. Like if you're like, good girl, good girl. She's into that. And I know this might seem weird, but to me like she wants to be dominated verbally, you could do that. You can know how to speak, try that, be dominant.

And also a lot of it is just taking control. So when you're switching positions, which you should be doing, do it with confidence, like toss it around a bit, you know, move out of missionary like into doggy style, like grab or hips and like put her on her knees and do that or like pick her up and like throw against the wall gently, God.

I hate saying throw against the wall because I feel like I'm standing up but you know what I'm saying? Like push her up, women want against the wall gently. God, I hate saying throw against the wall because I feel like I'm standing up. But you and I'm saying like push her up. Women want to be dominated in that way. So yeah, throw against the wall in the way that's not gonna hurt her. It's okay to rip her clothes off every once in a while. Pull her hair, holding her hands overhead.

If you don't have the handcuffs yet, while you and dresser, like you could put her hands overhead and like use your other hand to like undress her to play with her. Blindfolds are so easy. You can use a neck tie, you can use a handkerchief, you can get something from sports sheets. They've got like a beginner bondage kit, which literally you will have everything that you need. You've got a blindfold, you've got velcro handcuffs high, you don't need a key,

you can't mess these up at all, it's velcro. And like a little flogger, pretty much you'll have everything that you need to please her there. So I would start with some verbal domination, taking some control and then suggest like a sex toy shopping date. In fact, I think every couple should go in a sex toy shopping date. Most towns have like local sex toy stores. If not, just go shopping on the website. I know we do most of our shopping on mine now.

Anyway, I have a store now on my site, so check it out. We're always changing it up on the sex and honey website. Just click on the shop with Emily Banner. And like I said, we've got sports sheets there. You could also, yeah, watch porn together. Also, that could be another great way if she can't quite explain what she means. See what kind of porn she's into.

You could re-derotica together. Master of O, it's a great book. Great way you can do that. There are some tips. I love it, Calvin. Go for it. Let me know how it goes. I always want you guys. When I say that, I mean that. I want foul through. I want to know what you can do that. There are some tips. I love it, Calvin. Go for it. Let me know how it goes. I always want you guys. When I say that, I mean that.

I want to follow through. I want to know what you did, Calvin. I want to know that you made this happen. So let me know. Dear Emily, I'm currently in a long distance relationship for a little over a year. We see each other every two to three months. And in my opinion, our sex life is amazing. We're extremely sexually compatible and love to incorporate new toys and positions to keep things spicy.

The only real issue that arises after sex, he often asks me, Did you come? I cringed at that question. I suddenly feel self-conscious and don't know how to answer because honestly, I don't know if I came. This might sound silly, but is there a difference between having an organism and coming? I think he expects to see something more visual, exporting or a big explosion of come, because we don't see each other that often, it puts even more pressure on sex, because we both want to pleasure the other one to the best of our abilities.

I would love to squirt for him or visibly come for him so that he knows how much I enjoy this sex. But apparently, that's not how my body operates. So my questions are this. Do I have a drive at China? Do I need to push my orgasms farther? Is having an orgasm and producing comics exclusively correlated? Or is it normal to have an orgasm and not produce anything externally? I'm a big fan of the show and I value your expert opinion. Savannah, age 25. Hi, Savannah. Okay, I like that you emailed me here because I so want to clear this up for you.

When a woman has an orgasm, there are not, there's not fireworks, okay? Maybe in your head there are fireworks, but there's not like some explosion that's gonna happen for a lot of women. So I think that you're meaning that you can visibly see. This is more of an issue with semantics than anything else, because I read this twice

and I'm like, wait, am I missing something here? Yeah, here's the thing, I am with you. I don't like it when a guy says, first of all, I don't even like a guy says, when did you come, did you come, did you come? I appreciate that you want me to come, but I get that like, first of all, it's a lot of pressure because you know that only 30% of women

actually orgasm are come during intercourse. So it's really not that common. And it gives, you know, we have a lot of pressure to actually come, I think, in that moment it makes me not want to. And it's like, you don't want to say no, you don't want to disappoint them, like this leads to women faking it and all that stuff. But here's the thing, the reason, no, okay, sending love to all you guys who've asked that, and I'm not saying that some women don't want you to ask that. I'm sending love to you because I understand that you guys are doing it because you care. Like you wanna know, did she orgasm? Am I a man?

Like did this happen? You know, a lot of guys just have no idea. Third, I wanna say they're clueless, but it's also really hard to tell. Like with a guy, if he came, a lot of time, we know. We can see like weak sea come shoot out of his penis. Like, you know, if you're wearing a condom you take it off And it's filled with the jacket we know like what's happening, right?

So you just might need to tell him in the moment like babe. I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm gonna come I'm gonna come because maybe you're quiet like a lot of women I think might be kind of quite a very bad and from what I've heard from a lot of guys It kind of like it when you speak up They want to know when you have an orgasm or they want to that you're enjoying it, so like moaning and just feeling it. I think a lot of women and men, we kind of shut down to having sex, like we quiet our voices. We think that like moaning sounds weird or porn starry or they're going to judge us, but

if you kind of just don't give a shit what do you think is then you're just going to let your body react to how it's what you're experiencing in the moment by like moaning loudly or just I don't know. I think if you stop muffling the sounds,'m having a feeling that you're a quiet sex grom Just gonna take a gander here that if you start to play with it Not only will you be enjoying sex more often because it's true that they say women who make you know This is science again women who make more noises during sex actually have more orgasms and intend to even enjoy it more So there might be a part of you that's stifling stifling it

That was the worst thing if you're like stifling these noises. But also it'll turn him on. It'll turn yourself on. And then he'll know that you're having an orgasm. This idea that he needs some sort of visual display is something that I think you've like cooked up in your head here. And I don't think it's what he needs. I don't think he's waiting for you to squirt. That's a whole another issue. But if you're worried, I just think you got to ask him say, Hey, babe, when you asked if I came, are you asking if I had an orgasm? Because I definitely did. And I'm going to work on letting you know when it's happening.

So I, and yes, coming and orgasm, I, is the same thing. I believe that that's what he's saying. Like, did you come to do orgasm? Like typically guys got, did you orgasm? They, they mean did you come? That's what he's saying. And just so you know, you're completely normal. You don't have a dry vagina. There are a lot of women don't have these signs of orgasm

through ejaculation unless they're squirting. And like I said with men, you know, they're pretty much can tell if they came or not. So for women, the signs are your breath is quickening, you get flush, your clitoris becomes more engorge. I mean, that's really the only way the guys can really tell that you orgasm, if he's going to get down there with like a, you know, a magnifying, like, stethoscope. A magnifying glass would be like, is your clitoris and gorge? I mean, that's why women can fake orgasms so easily,

but you're having like lots of orgasms, which is so great, Savannah. So I think you just gotta be, I'm coming and it's awesome. So I mean, squirting, yes, you could learn to squirt. I, people talk about that another time, but I don't think that's the issue here at all with them. I know you guys a lot of you are like,

don't just say you'll talk about it and you've talked about other shows, but you guys I have it. A lot of shows and squirting. I'll do another one soon. You can check it out on my website or go to a blog post and we can talk more about that another day. But Savannah, you're good.

Just let them know. Communication people, it's all about communicating. Is that, it helps so much. Hi Emily, my question is around my sexuality. First, I'm pretty sure I'm not. Communication people, it's all about communicating. Is that? It helps. So much. Hi Emily, my question is around my sexuality. First, I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. I like girls and I've had romantic relationships with girls. But I also have a strong attraction to guys that's purely physical.

I've tried to do guys, but it doesn't feel right. So romantically, I'm not interested in guys, but physically, I'm attracted to them. I don't understand why that is. And when in a relationship with a girl, I eventually get urges to be with guys. I've told a few girls I've dated about it, but most are not accepting. I'm not sure what to do. Nobody would suspect this about me. Thank you, Dave. Okay, Dave, this is a really interesting question. I so appreciate you emailing this because I can understand this can be pretty confusing to you as well as the women that you're dating. Now it could be that you are not allowing yourself to explore men because while you find them attractive, you kind of shut yourself down

for fear being identified as gay or even as bisexual. But it seems sounds to me these are urges keep coming up and they're not going to suddenly evaporate because you certainly cannot repress these urges that never works. And it's not healthy for you either. And I know that you said you tried dating men and you didn't find yourself romantically attracted to them. But is it possible that because you're holding yourself back that in you're afraid of this judgment that maybe you thought that you didn't find them attractive because you're in this kind of confused space? Maybe you are bisexual, you like men and you're afraid of this judgment that maybe you thought that you didn't find them attractive because you're in this kind of confused space. Maybe you are bisexual, you like men and you like women,

and I think that you should just have an open mind about this and try dating men, keep an open mind and like go that fear that you identify as gay or whatever is it holding you back. I always talk about duty dating, like just go out with that guy or let that woman that you wouldn't typically date

just to see if you might like him. Like I talk about this typically when people have patterns of dating like bad boys or women who are unavailable. Just like go out with this without expectations. Like just kind of go out with them again and see what happens. And another possibility that you might be sexually attracted to men, but we're manically attracted to women. Let me just tell you something.

This is a great time for you to be confused because let me tell you, we are also much more open, open right now. You know, there's all these different terms you can be pansexual omnisexual plenty of people are coming around the idea that sexuality is On a spectrum so maybe down the line you'll be with a woman who's like cool, and she's like you know what you've sexed But occasionally that's great. I'm also with women or I just think that's hot because if this is really holding you back Then I think that you should see a therapist and talk about it and have someone help you sort through these feelings. I mean, you are, I don't know how long you are. You guys, please include your age in the emails.

It matters. It does. But I feel like maybe you're a little bit younger. Maybe you're in your 20s, let's say. And these things around our sexuality, I'm sure it's in popping up for you for a while. And whenever we try to repress anything with our sexuality, whether it be like our fetishes, our desires, things you wanna try, who we're attracted to, are we gay,

not, you know, are we not gay, masturbation's bad. You know, I've been faking orgasms by her life. All this stuff, it just never goes away by repressing it, it doesn't fix itself. So I would say you should delve deeper into this. I get it that the women you're dating, you say they're not so into it. What do they say?

You said the women are not accepting. Well, those aren't the girls you need to be with. You will find what you're dating, you say they're not so into it, what do they say? You said the women are not accepting, well, those aren't the girls you need to be with. You will find what you're looking for, but I think you just got to keep on trying and, you know, I think there might be something about them in. So who knows, but keep dating and I don't think we have to identify yourself, identify you with anything yet, okay? Just go with what you're feeling right now and what you're attracted to. Emily, I'm a huge fan of your show and it's taught me several things.

I want to first thank you for everything you do for my sex life. My question is about blow jobs and my wife. I'm the only man she's ever been with and her sexual style has been molded by her relationship. When we first started dating and getting intimate, she stated that she had heard how gross come tastes, so I told her she would never have to worry about that. I could go somewhere else. In my mind, I thought this would be a temporary thing, that she would grow out of it after gaining experience. Well 10 years later, we're in the exact same spot.

Over time, I let her know that it's very important to me that she at least try it once and see if she can see if it's something she can handle. She always agrees and is stated that she really wants to do it. However, every time she does the deed, it's like the conversation never happened. I'm very frustrated and confused on what to do. Do you have any advice? Thank you again, Walter age 34. Oh, Walter, Walter, Walter. Okay, this is a tough one. Because you have to accept the fact that

you may never want to have your semen in her mouth. Like it just might not happen. And are you okay with that? Are you okay with that? You may never see your semen shooting into her mouth. Okay, let's say that. It might happen. It is a preference of something, like some women just don't like it.

Like they might just be like, you know, I don't like it, I'm not going to try it. And I'm happy that she's giving you blow jobs. I would high five if you were here. Some women don't like giving blow jobs at all. But here's the other thing. You had the conversation with her and she's saying she wants to do it, okay? So this is good news, okay?

So here's part where we go, oh my God, good, yeah, Walter, it's gonna happen. Because if she says she wants to do it, she does want to do it, but she doesn't know how to do it for the first time, right? I don't like Onions ever. And if someone like sneakily sticks an onion into my salad, I get like super pissed off.

I just don't want to try onions. I've tried them, right? But there's been like other foods. I mean, that's a bad example. I'm trying to think of something that I hated and that I've tried. Okay, avocados. Before I moved to California, I'd never had an avocado.

I actually got there gross. The motion didn't taste good. And then they moved to California and they're everywhere. Now, I love avocados. I can't get enough of them. So she's got this fear around it. She's got this fear around, see them's got this fear around Seamim. Understandably, maybe you guys,

she was like 20 years old or friends were like, ew, gross. If she's had this fear but that for 10 years, she's not gonna be like, okay, I'm gonna go for it this time, even though she wants to. So you got to work with her on this, okay? And again, I'm gonna bring this to a more global issue

for you guys. This is all the couples. You think that if you have this conversation with your partner about anything, you wanna try something different in bed, you want to be dominated, you want more anal sex, you think that you can have the talk two or three times and it's just going to magically happen and then doesn't happen and you're frustrated and you're going to go with your partner. The problem is changing behaviors takes time and talking about it just isn't enough for

a lot of these things. You don't just say like, taste my calm, give me an all, and it happens. The good news is, you can learn to communicate about it better. So Walter, here's what you can do. You can say to your wife, I understand that you have this fear on semen about swallowing my calm, however you want to say it. I understand it, I totally hear it, and I love when you go down to me, I love bow jobs, but I just kind of feel like there's this thing missing. And I think what you have to add to it is, it's about intimacy, because it's kind of a trust thing. I mean, I think that for you, for a lot of men,

like when a woman swallows, you know, puts a penis in the mouth and swallows the calm, you know, the fact that she's willing to take, you could say to her like, it's about, you know, the feeling that the fact that you're willing to take my seam in your mouth is a sign of trust and connection. And when you don't do it, I feel like this is kind of a rejection. And I'd love it if we could try and work on this together.

And maybe this would help or understand why it's important to you. It's not just like a thing to check off the list that like it actually makes you feel more connected to her. I'm going to assume that's why you want it because I think that's typically true for a lot of men. So I think we got to work in some baby steps here. Maybe one at a time, I was thinking of this and like, can you just like, one day you come

and you're like, she takes a little, like, per pinky finger and she tastes it. Like, I don't know if that's gonna, you know, how that's gonna happen. I mean, I don't think that you have to like, like, sneak into a piece of like, sharp cheddar cheese, like, she's a poppy or something,

so she can kinda taste it that way. Like, here, tray, like, I take like a pillar of vitamin. I don't think you have to do that I'm trying to think I you can easier into it but you could also you know I think her fear is probably of like the actual taste and I think that as a lot of women lesions of women are swelling come all the time it's really not bad but as much as we tell her about it that might not work so you could ease into it using a flavor lubricant that's why, one of the reasons they make

favorite lubricant. System Joe's, loop flavors are like delicious, that I actually just don't want to eat them if there's no food in the office. I'm like, I can have the salted caramel here for dinner. It actually makes blow jobs fun for both parties because the biggest completed blow jobs is besides swelling come.

Now, is that it's dry, is that they're dry. So she could put a little bit of like, passion fruit, okay, she could put passion fruit in like a lip gloss, this is what I tell women to do. She can put a little bit on her lips and then she go down a new, first of all, she's already wet and slippery, she gets in and your PA feels great

and your semen tastes like passion fruit, it's a win-win. Those also mask strips, okay? I talked about these years ago, it's M-A-S-Q-U-E and they, these are strips, kind of like list of rain strips that she puts on her tongue and they hide the flavor of semen. Like literally they block out semen. These are made so when she has it on her tongue, she cannot taste a semen, but she only tastes,

they come in four flavors, like strawberry, watermelon, chocolate, orange, maybe, I don't know, the four flavors. But she puts the strip on her orange, maybe, I don't know, four flavors. But she puts the strawberry in a trongue, she will not taste them in that and your seam will taste like a strawberry sundae. So that's awesome. Also, good head spray by Doc Johnson.

I'm using it right now. I actually use it in the middle of the show. I'm obsessed with this too. It's called wet head dry mouth spray. I use it because like I'm doing the show show not because I'm about to give a blowjob But wouldn't that be funny? I was like wait, all right, I gotta get ready. I actually use it because it helps with dry mouth So I'm not like like that. So for all you dry mouth blow jobbers this helps But also it tastes like strawberries actually really delicious. So this is also on our website. It's called good head wet head by

Dr. Johnson so here's a few things just from she could try but also approaches with compassion. Let her know how important is to you. ease her mind, ease her into it. And she probably like has no idea, you know, that it wasn't just about the money shot. When you explain the intimacy aspect, I'm sure she will come around. No point of telling it. Or maybe the puns. There's so many sexual puns so little time. Okay guys, I wish I could go on and on, but I have to go give a blowjob. Just kidding. I'm not. I'm actually going to go eat cake for reals. Okay, anyway, I love you all. Welcome to all my new listeners. I love my loyal listeners. Remember, you could all tell a friend about it. Listen to it with your partner as well. A lot of you were like, I don't know how to bring this

up or that up. Couples love listening to the podcast together. You can be like, well Emily said and then and then do that. You'll be like swallowing, seaman and damning your partner no time. It'll be awesome. Thank you all. I love you. I so so appreciate all of you. Just listening to the show and it's just amazing about these new listeners. You know, I love what I do and thank you for making it possible. So thanks for my amazing team. thank you to Madison and Jamie and Michael, Helena and Ken and Lark. I love you all. Thanks for listening, was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithamon.com. you