Sex With Emily - Come On Down to Arousal Town!

Episode Date: July 25, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking to you about what actually happens to our bodies when we get aroused, and she is taking your calls.  She breaks down what monogamous relationships really are and what is considered cheating, what to do when you catch your pre-teen looking up porn on the internet, and the dos and don’ts for beginner BDSM play. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Cal Exotics, pjur, SiriusXM, Good Vibrations.  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about what actually happens to our bodies when we get a rouse. And I'm taking your calls, topics include, you're in a monogamous relationship, but you have a secret online persona. Is that considered cheating? You caught your nine-year-old looking up naked pictures of women on the internet. What do you do? So you're a beginner of BDSM. Here's what not to do when choking your partner. How to get over the hunch of watching porn with your husband because hey If you can't beat him join them all this and more. Thanks for listening Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex

Eyes that mark our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got to understand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common with all of it?

What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sex-only.com, check out all of our posts. I'm there to help you have better sex and relationships just like this podcast that we release three times a week. I hope you're subscribed. We love when you subscribe wherever you listen to this show and comment, subscribe and iTunes or wherever you listen, like I said.

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I'm there on channel one and nine, five nights a week. Monday through Friday, five to seven PM Pacific, eight to 10 Eastern, and you can get a free 30-day trial at sexathomely.com slash SXM. Or to be honest, just call in during those times, you don't even need to have serious. And that number is AAA947-8277. You can just answer your questions there.

Also, find me in all social media. It's at... ...Sex with Emily across the board. Wherever you are, I'm there to. Alright guys, hope you enjoy the show. I want to talk to you guys about... ...Sex. No, okay.

Always talking about sex, but here's the thing. Do you actually know... ...the signs of sex? And what actually happens to our body when we get aroused? I just thought that there was a very interesting piece, a study that you guys are just some information that I don't know that we've covered with you lately. You know that sex isn't important and it's good for your health, or at least I hope you do.

That the more we have sex, the healthier that we are and the more that we have sex, the more sex we're going to want to have. Many of the health benefits has to do with oxytocin, which is like the love hormone that is released when we are intimate with someone, touching. They call it the cuddle hormone. It's actually what's released when you're petting your dog or your cat, which is why I want a good dog. Anyway, no, I think I'm going to get one. No, I want you to get one.

It's the same hormone that causes contraction. It's a childbirth, it's even in sperm. And I think a lot of times people are craving intimacy in their relationships and like we're not having in our course anymore. You know, it's important just to still touch and to cuddle and to hug. And also when we're working out, we make sure that we're just being physical. That will affect the libido. So it's important. And if we don't use it, we lose it. So the less sex we have working out, we make sure that we're just being physical. That will affect the libido, so it's important. And if we don't use it, we lose it.

So the less sex we have, the less we masturbate, the less we touch our part, it's the less we're going to want to have it. And the same goes for women who also going through menopause or gone through menopause. I know that you just want to give up, and I know that you're like, I never want to have it. I can't even remember what was good, but the more that you have it now and the more you get your body, you know, going again with sex, it is a muscle and you do, if you don't use it, you do lose it. So I feel like that just remembering, even if you can remember that there was a time you liked

and connected to it, that will actually help you, which is the truth. And I think that we often think that we have a low libido and we don't desire sex. Like earlier, who called him? Was it Steve? Here is name Michael. Yes, Steve. Steve said that his wife, yeah, she's never really been into sex. But I think that we think people have low libidos, but often people are just in a rut. Like I think that people typically, like in the beginning, we all want to have a lot

of sex because we're really something new and exciting and it's it's challenging and we don't know What's gonna happen and there's all that excitement and then we get into a rut and we're like, ah, I'm not really not I don't have sex. I have a little libido and then couples think well, it's not natural to force it It's not even natural to talk about it. So we're not gonna talk about it We're just gonna assume that we just don't want to have sex anymore But this is when we got to get creative and we got to do spontaneous and we got to try something different. Sex also helps with sleep.

It does, you guys. Sex helps you sleep. So I don't think you guys realize it that it can help you. Fall asleep, orgasm is great for that. For women who are often here, don't make time to orgasm or to masturbate that when you actually do,

you're like, oh yeah, I'm gonna be right. You're never gonna be bummed that you had an orgasm. You'reate that when you actually do, you're like, oh, yeah, I'm like, you're right. You're never going to be bummed that you had an orgasm. You're never going to piss that you went to the gym. It's the same kind of thing. Um, I know. It's just, it's just going to be really funny if someone was just like, God, dammit. Why, why did I have that orgasm? Yeah, I don't think they do.

Are you guys ever bummed about your orgasms? There's a lot we're talking about these days that we say that we're not having sex. The sex every day, we get a we say that we're not having sex. The sex every day we get a sex study that we're not having sex. And we blame our busy lives and the phones for the reason why there's such a decline in sexual activity. But yet, in this study, at least it says that women and two-thirds of men they would like to have sex more often. But they're blaming it on all the stimuli that's coming from our phones and from television.

And, you know, I thought this was really interesting that back in the day, you'd go home and you couldn't continue to work or shop or connect with the million people or even date at home on mine. You'd go home, we have to talk. Like, oh, you have to talk to your family. You'd have to like talk to your family.

I guess you'd watch TV. I guess TV was the culprit often. But now there's like no one's even watching TV. It's all about your fucking phones. You can watch TV on your phone. You can watch TV on your phone. So we do all that right. But then you get a text and you're off TV and then it goes on, you're never done watching.

So here's a sexual response cycle which I don't just think is interesting. This is something that was first discovered by Kinsey. First people who actually started talking about sex. So the first stage is four cycles of a rouse. The first one is just excitement, the excitement that's kissing, watching movies, 82% of women aroused by their nipples being touched, 52% of men with their nipples being touched.

Telling you, I don't think we touch men's nipples enough. I think they like it. They might like it. They might like it. Test it. Have you tried it? No, I really wanted to. I wasn't asking you.

You're step-by-step analysis of how to touch men's nipples. How would you do it? I would just gently, like, I would maybe kiss them. Like around the nipple. Yeah. Like maybe kiss them, lick around the nipple, like lick around maybe a little nipple, maybe lick on it and then blow on it, or just kind of kiss it, make out with it. Okay. See how it feels?

I like that. I don't think that men are used to it. It's not for everyone. Every guy, just like every woman doesn't want her breast touch, but I think you should try it. So then what happens during this first phase, you're gonna get a like like, a sex flush.

That's when women can get, like, they can get pink patches on their breasts. It spreads to their body, kind of looks like rash, but it's a sex flush. I like that you're saying it in a rash. It's when your abdomen gets to your neck and your face and your back, do you ever feel that? Like a flush?

I feel like. You're roused. I feel like, I don't, I don't, I wouldn't say a flush. I'd say maybe I get like a warmth. Yeah, yeah, but I guess I don't really look Yeah, it's not a mirror. That's right. I also need more mirrors in the room in the bedroom Then then there's also we do beers are hot to have sex It was like we're talking to Wednesday Martin when she was in the show about mirrors I'm so right with her. I'm with the mirrors? Put a mirror in your bedroom.

It's hot. I'm telling you you think you don't want to look at yourself having sex but you look good. So during this phase, mangan erection and they may lose it and then regain it. And then the second phase, women's like the sex organ swell. So this is why I love you. It's like masturbate with the mirror in front of you. Even it's a little mirror. The clitoris, the labia, the vagina, they all enlarge. They swell. And then the muscles are on the opening of the vagina. Get tighter. And this is where all the lubrication starts to flow. The breast can swell. The nipples get hard. You know what I think sometimes is that when, so when you're actually getting aroused, like, as a woman and this is happening and you're starting to get really wet,

I think some guys think that means that you had an orgasm, and I'm like, no, my body's prepping. For the wetness and the arousal. I think so. Yeah, I think that's true, and I think they also misread that phase as even the first one is you're ready to go,

they don't let that phase go long enough. Yes. They're like, oh, she's starting to get aroused. I might as well stick my penis in right now, but she's not fully aroused. And then it kind of sets the stage back or she doesn't get to the third stage, which is orgasm. Because I think that we just rushed through

this second phase, which is a delightful phase to be in. That very delight. We needed to be in. That needed to be said. That yes. I cannot. I cannot in that face. Yeah, enough words. It's just like I just got wet. I just got to know what it makes you think that you can just enter me right now.

Well, because they because that's why I'm describing the stages of a rouse. Or for a reason. Yes. Because I think that that's a job. What you know, is that you have to understand that we, that for men, their stages of a rouse will, well, it's the same, it goes faster because when men get erection, they're turned on right away visually.

It's more responsive and they want to, they want to get going. And what we're like, we're not there yet. So that's the orgasm gap, that's the rouse will gap too. So during this, like so, so we start to swell, we're getting turned on There's also like a plateau phase in this and men like says okay, so in men Muscles that control urine contract prevent any mixing with semen at the base of the penis. That's good Yeah, that's good. This is when they secrete the pre-seminal fluid and then we move into the third stage

Which is orgasms. The pelvic muscles contract as a calculation for men. Women can have uterine or vaginal contractions, whether it's the sensation from literal simulation or penetration. And then, women just so you know, women can orgasm again if they are stimulated, but men cannot. So a lot of women just assume that once they've won orgasms, they're done, but women are masterfully created

so we can have multiple orgasms. Our refractory period is a lot shorter than men. Men can, they older, they get, it can be like 24 hours or six hours, they can get erect again. So then we get, after this stage, the last is the resolution phase. Everything turns to normal, muscles relax, blood pressure drops.

And so, you know, that's, those are the stages of arousal. And I think if anything, you should understand that where you should hang out more at the second part when we're getting turned on. Yeah, like just keep, just because the water is a flow in or things are flowing doesn't necessarily mean that an orgasm has happened. Exactly. right. I think that it's very confusing for men to know when orgasm happens. Because women aren't always, it's not always happening. Women are so hard on ourselves because we think

we're not orgasm being the right way in the right amount of time, in the right position. And it's so, we should just think about it. Like, it's so hard because no one's telling you this. And so we all, most women, I think, feel inadequate during sex at some point in their lives. If they've never done any research or listened to this show, they often think like, I did not have an orgasm.

I was not turned. He was aroused. He was at a good time. I was not what is wrong with me. But once you understand these stages of arousal that you weren't getting turned on, if there wasn't enough pre-you know for play. So I think that this is just can't drive this home enough, can't. And there's also an assumption that sexual desire and the

beta are strongest in the young when we're younger and it fades out when we age and I just do that is just not true at all. So much evidence that we all want to have sex as we get older. And that menopause, as I said, is an obstacle and that is because we're losing estrogen and you get vaginal dryness. But with now with all these hormonal treatments and things you can do, I just don't want women to get thrown

and just say, no, I'm done with it. And I don't think there's enough information out there. So it's important to continue to have regular sex, to continue to keep it going, like exercising a muscle. You gotta keep sex going, and understanding it more, the more you know, the more you know, the more you know, the more you're gonna wanna have. The more you know, you know that like,

sheading across like, exactly. I have a question. So I've always had, you know, like a moment of time, you know, after an orgasm with a partner, and they're still hard and they haven't, they haven't orgasm yet or ejaculated yet. And I always wanna like take a second to myself

and like get a drink of water or like, you know, just take a moment to like get get a drink of water or just take a moment to get back in there. But I never say anything. I just like, you know, women are pleased. I'm just going to keep going. It's fine, but I just wish I took a second to recuperate. Right.

What can I say? So after you've had orgasm during intercourse? Yeah. Oh, I think you could just be like, can we slow down for a second? I want to get some water. Can we slow down? I'll be back and I think that that that that it's very confusing for men because they think I'm gonna lose my erection So they don't want to stop once they get going which is why sex starts too quickly sometimes for women because they're like

I think that there's this fear they're gonna lose their erection. Yeah So I think and this is a tough one which I've been there too and I think that the tricky thing is to say we're gonna Keep going I'll be right back and just not to be like keep making out with them It's like I need a second. Yeah, tell me just I need a second I just need a second for a second. It's like keep kissing him. You could keep touching him with your hand Mm-hmm And then just take that second and even if you just want it to stop it then you can do that's true Yeah, that is true, but I think you should definitely try that. Yeah

I just don't know it's not over but I need a second. Yeah, that is true. But I think you should definitely try that. Yeah, I just can't let go. No, it's not over, but I need a second. Yeah. Okay. Just saying just that. Good advice. I get so parched during sex. I always make sure that there's water. And what I've done sometimes in that situation, if I'm on top, is I literally just stop and grab the water. And I just stay, he's still in me. And I just squeeze. And I'm like, hold on a second. And I just drink the water and put it down. But it's like only in that one situation does that work. And what, to stop and get water, I always stop and get water. No, like I just have the water by the bed already, and I'm just on top, so he's still in

me, but I just grab the water, and I just drink it. Oh yeah, I always stop and get one, and then I'll say like, what, I'm like, I'm always like, waters, I have things. Why don't I get up a water the plants Yeah, why did it seem like guys get his thirst eating It seems like guys don't get as thirsty during sex like I'm always the one I'm like how are you not needing water right now like I don't Participatory in sex no, but I guess but I don't know do you think it's because you get so lubricated

You think it's because like if you get really? Do you think it's because, like, if you get really wet, oh, you're losing all your liquid in your body. I think you're trying. There is some connection, but I don't think that's it. Is that immediate? But it's just weird. I'm always like, and I always ask them. I'm like, you're not thirsty.

I know I did. And they're like, can we have a joint drink of water here? I don't like to drink alone. Right, exactly. I don't know where this is. Hydrate, hydrate, I know. I always have 18 bottles of water by my bed. It's true.

Do you get the sex blush? I do. Yeah, I know I do. I don't think it turns, it gets, like I have a friend who gets when she gets all red, she gets nervous, she gets all red. I think it's certain skin types, but I do definitely get that warmth. Yeah. Yeah, on my chest and yeah, we do pay attention. I all pay attention to your flush do definitely get that warmth. Yeah.

Yeah, am I chest? Yeah, we do pay attention. I all pay attention to your flush. I get all red. You do? Kristen, you do? Kristen, you do. You do.

You do pale girls with freckles, I don't know. I think it is. Right? And like, different, I could have an allergic reaction to like their body and their liquids too. I mean, it goes away, but it does look funny for a few minutes. When you get turned on, when you get around.

When I get around. When they touch my body. Yeah. Yeah. The liquid, their liquids with my skin type. Yeah. Right. Right.

Yeah. I've not a red toner, but it's normal. It happens. It is normal. I think it is. That makes total sense. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls.

We have Frank who's 36 in New Hampshire wants to know if having an online persona is cheating. Hmm, oh Frank, tell me more. Hi Emily, how you doing? Good, how you doing Frank? Good, I haven't been listening that long. I figured I'd reach out and call you and see if I can get some advice. Of course, here I am. So I'm in about a 12-year relationship. I love my girlfriend. I've been married, I've been divorced. I'm not getting married again. She knows that we're in as close to marriage as you can get. We own a house together, we have a life together. She's not very adventurous. Okay. I'll say that.

I do have things that I've gotten interested in that I really don't even want to broach the subject with her. So if I go online on my own time, on of her knowledge, I look for that kind of feedback on sites where people are into these kind of things. Without her knowledge, do you think that that's cheating in the way that I feel bad about that or should I feel like that's kind of helping me get through and supporting the relationship? Well, this is what I want to say about that. I think that you haven't totally given her a chance yet. And I'm glad that you said you haven't been listening to the show because this is what I want to say about that. I think that you haven't totally given her a chance yet.

And I'm glad that you said you haven't been listening to the show because this is what we talk about a lot, so welcome to the show. And so what I think is that you said she's not very adventurous. And I think that a lot of women and men are not adventurous because of fear, because they don't really know what that means. Maybe they had a bad experience. They were raised really religious. She thinks she's adventurous, she means that she's slutty.

She's got all these messages, right? And if you guys go on, I want you more adventurous, she's like, well, stop, I'm not enough for you. It's the way that we talk about it. But I bet if you said to her, you know what babe? I love the sex we're having. It's so hot. And I would love to be the best lover you've ever had.

What would that look like? And what would you be interested in? Let's find some fantasies together. I want to give you some orgasm. So it's not about your kiki things you want to get into yet. But the more you can talk to and build your communication around sex, I think you might find that perhaps she might be into more than you think. She just may never have anyone laid it out in a way that she could understand. Okay, so maybe keep my stuff on the back burner until I kind of establish an easy way into the conversation. Yeah, I think that honestly, I don't like the idea.

I don't know if I say it's cheating. People have, yeah, I don't think it's honest. I think it's a disservice to your relationship for you to get online right now because now you're like, oh, I'm just going to dip my toe on the water. I'm going to explore with people. But the next thing you know, you're going to be a sex party in like a right now, because now you're like, oh, I'm just gonna dip my toe on the water. I'm gonna explore with you. But the next thing you know, you're gonna be to sex party in like a month now. It's like slippery slope.

And I don't want that to happen to you. What I'm saying is Frank, I'd rather you take all that energy and work on communication with her. Because if you lover and she's so great than she deserves to be brought along on your journey and figure out what great sex means to both you, because you guys get to co-create that together. And what I find and why I have a job every night here

and why the phones are lit up every night is because we don't know how to talk about sex in a way that is helpful for us and our partners. So I'm trying to help people do that. And so I would just love you to have a healthy conversation with her and know that it could take a little bit of time. You know, maybe she had some traumas and bad experiences. I don't know, I don't know her story.

But if you go out with patience and curiosity, I think that you can get what you need And she can get what she need and it could be better sex and you ever imagined, okay Frank? All right, so baby steps baby steps exactly Frank exactly That'll be more worth your while than going online and finding some people you don't know in other states and countries Okay, we have Sarah 45 in California. It's got a question about how to talk to her kids about sex. All right. Hey Sarah, thanks for calling in. It's a good question. Oh my gosh, I got to really finally yay! Yay, hi Sarah. How can I help? What's going on?

Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. Go ahead. Okay, so it prompted the question because one, my parents have never given the birth of a bee talk. I kind of learned on my own. Right. And to the other day, my nine year old son, I saw him asking a history, Google, make it, girls, and oh my god, the pictures that came up to do my mind. Yeah. And I'm like, now I'm like, I'm gonna cross the room. I'm like, okay, I gotta talk about it. I don't really know how to go about it since I never have that conversation. Yeah, I mean, most people, you know what Sarah

and most people didn't, okay? Most people's parents did not talk to them about sex. So that's that I and I understand why that's hard. For you, I understand, but really you just gotta go in and you gotta be honest with them, you gotta say, babe, I know, sweetie, I know that you, I saw that you looked at my phone. I want to tell you that this is something

that you just start to talk to him about what, what happens and the things that he, the attraction that he might feel that at his age, if he has any questions for you about sex or what, you know, you could ask him, like, what were you curious about? So I think you got to meet kids where they're at. So I would, maybe ask him some questions

and tell him he's not in trouble, tell him that you want to know how he heard about it and tell him how it may ask him how it made him feel and that you really just would prefer that, those aren't the kind of things that he should be looking at at his age at nine years old and that you're happy to answer. Are you happy?

Yeah. Like when I was talking to him kind of probing, it was more of a curiosity because his friends had did it, so he just wanted to do it and then see. And it was like, he saw that I just went in and went out real fast because he's really tech savvy too. Right. So I just went in and went out, like within seconds. And you know, but I guess I was more images that he saw was just, you know, it's more than just make it grow a lot.

I know, I know. It's really disturbing. I mean, I guess you could put, you know, some of the parent parental controls on the phone, but that's, that they're going to see it. And you could just say to them that the pictures that he saw are for entertainment, like fiction. It's like when he looks up his favorite, like, I don't know, characters from a movie or something, like it's not really, not they're not real women, but they're doing that for entertainment purposes

and that you could explain to him if he has any questions you can talk about. I mean, nine years old is really young, so it's more like if he has questions he can let you know, you can start to talk to him at that age about different, different body parts and I'm, you know, men and women like his, you talk to them about, like at 90s, I can start getting any feelings yet, but you could just say how certain images, when you get older, could be, you know, something that's arousing or could be attractive to adults,

but it's really tricky, Sarah. I think there's my thing about talking to kids. I wish I had a great place to send you right now for that. There are a few sites like Scarletine is a great site. We can put this in the show notes, but what I think, Sarah, this is what I'm going to tell you. Having a talk with him, we just may be starting with this and just saying, I understand you just looked at it once, but if you know, because my parents, my mom said to me once, if you have questions, ask me. And I never knew what the questions were. I never asked her. So my advice to you, Sarah,

is to make this an ongoing conversation, like how you're gonna talk to him about his grades at school, and about his, you know, friendships, and about his summer plan. You know, what he's gonna, sports he's gonna play in school, that the sex conversation has to keep going. And that it could just be like, I want you to know there's, you can ask me anything,

as it comes up in the maybe another few weeks, so that anything else come up with your friends? Let me know what you're hearing because I want to explain it to you. I know it can be really confusing, you know? And so that's that's you just got to kind of meet with your at keep bringing it up to them. That's what I think you do you got to do right now, Sarah. All right, let's see McKenzie 25 in Utah. This is a very interesting question. I'm very excited about it. Her boyfriend has sex with her in his sleep. Oh, sleep sex. Hey Mackenzie, how you doing? I'm good Emily, how are you? I'm good.

Okay, so you wakes you up. What happens? Tell me. Well, I'll be in debt of sleep and I'm alone by him, basically trying to start out sex, whether he's trying to fool around with me and just touching me. And I can't tell if he's a waker, if he's a sleep, but basically how I know he was asleep for part of it to wake up midway is, you know, and I asked him after, do you remember that you started it? It's basically how I'll have to ask him.

Right. And he will think that I'm the one that started it. But really I'm the one that's being woken up, like if for some reason he'll be reaching around to touch me or you know. Is it a problem? Like, does it happen every night? No, no, no.

No, it's not every night. It's not a problem for me. In fact, the question I had for you is that when that happens is how he acts, I guess I don't want to use the word carnal, but he's not inherited by wondering if something he's doing is weird. Wow. Much more passionate and he's like, you know, say we're eating, we've been together for over four years. So, and that's very happening in the last two years. Like I say, probably place a month back.

That happened. Wow. So, that's cool. I think McKenzie, that's. I think that's what we thought before. Oh, well, it makes sense, McKenzie. It makes, well, yeah, and I have heard of Sleepsax. I mean, I've been with, I've been with people

who like wake up in the middle of the night. Like, you know, he's probably dreaming about you. He rolls over for a second and touches you and then he gets turned on. And, you know, I think that that's, you know, that absolutely happens, Sleepsax. I've woken up and had a boyfriend. You know, sometimes I would say no or yes,

but that has happened to me. You know, most I think I would say no. Usually it happened to me early on in relationships. Point is, Mackenzie, what I love about this is that you can tell him, like, you could replay to him. Like, I think it's really hot when we're having sex. You kind of lose your inhibition. It seems like you are really more carnal and you could explain back to him what he does.

And it's almost giving him permission then to do that when he's awake, when you're actually having sex. You'd be like, it's really hot. Because maybe he needs, you know, sometimes it's just like, he's down sick, he's a lovely guy. He's really concerned about your feelings. You know, I think a lot of us hold ourselves back sexually and sounds like he is.

So in a way, I kind of like this, McCanns. I think this is sort of a really cool opening in your sex life for you to kind of both get what you want and maybe you can open it, maybe to help you open up some more, maybe there's some things that you've been wanting to try or just, it feels really good to be desired. So I think outside the bedroom, when it's not happening, like when you guys are dinner and say,

you know, I keep talking about that sleep sex thing, it's, I gotta tell you, babe, it's kinda hot and this is what's happening and then reinforce it. What do you think? Yeah? I'm down to trying this out. what you think is better to say it's not when we're in the middle of the sex. Let me tell you why I'm a Kenzie.

Here's the thing, and you guys are getting married, so this is going to be something good to know. One of my pieces of advice for couples about communicating about sex is to do it outside the bedroom. Unless you're in pain or you want to give specific instructions to how to do, you know, touch you in a certain way. Because when we're in the moment, it can be sometimes we can interpret things as like you make all do something wrong or we don't quite hear it because we're in a rouse state. So, and if you guys have never

talked about sex, that feels uncomfortable. This is a great way to start. So it's more like when you guys are hanging out or you're on a road trip or you're chilling on a Sunday morning, it's like, you know, baby, I've got to talk to you about something. I am so excited. I got to tell you when you wake up and do the sex thing, that's kind of hot, you know? And just talk about it that way. And even though it, I mean, how does that sound? Does that make you nervous or does that sound like something you could do? Because some people...

No, we've spoken about it in fact outside of the bedroom. Perfect. Just not in lots of detail, you know? I think, right. Hey, what about this tonight? Yeah, yeah. No, I think this would be great. And then you could say, and I just want you to know that I keep thinking about that and it's really hot. And please let me know if there's anything you've been wanting

or maybe McKenzie, there's something that you'd like to share in that moment. And then I'd love you guys to get into this habit of prioritizing your sex life right now, you know, before you get married and Have a long life together and then it'll be fun It'd be like something you guys share together rather than telling taboo that's weird and gets bad after a while You know which happens so a lot of this question McKenzie. Thank you. Okay. Good. You're in a great place You of course. Let me know. Go. Thanks McKenzie

Okay, we got another Instagram question and I love this question. Can you fix a bad kisser or are they always going to be bad? Okay. This is hotly contested. People always say, well, he was a bad kisser so I dumped him or she couldn't kiss. No, I think you can fix bad kissing. Hear me out. You say to them, show me how you like to be kissed.

I'm going to show you how I like to be kissed. I'm gonna show you how I like to be kissed, and then we'll make up around kissing dance. That's what works, he was, and then if that doesn't work, then we can talk about it. But I think that people get set in their ways, just like people having sex. If you've sex as someone for the first time, and sex isn't great, I don't think that's a deal breaker.

I know it's not. I know that if you've never talked about it, but you've all this great chemistry of someone, when you actually kiss, you actually have penetrative intercourse, and it doesn't feel perfect the first time, that's normal. Have a conversation. But yeah, the kissing thing is kind of like,

if they hear what you're saying, they're like, okay, I'm gonna let you lead, and then now I'm gonna lead, and what can we do? How can we make an amalgamation of our kisses? Put it all together, and I'm kissing dance. What do you think? I know that some people don't agree.

They're like, nope, that's a sign I'm out. Well, I like your advice. Just like you say, great lovers are not born. They are made. Great kissers are not born. They're made. You know, you kind of just learn. Exactly.

You learn, you learn, you learn. Well, it feels good to a partner. And again, if you, people, because people who trip up on like, I don't even have experience yet to make me a great lover. I haven't had enough orgasms yet to make me a good lover.

No, that's not what makes you a good lover. What makes you a great lover is an intensive, present lover who was willing to learn. Okay, let's talk to Mike. He is 39 in New Jersey, and he has, he's with a new girl. She likes to be choked. He wants to know how to handle that.

Okay, hey Mike, thanks for calling. It's a good question. How are you girls? We're good. A little, little paranoid. We do a missionary style. See, basically, if we put our hands around our neck, it's like the idea I can fix it. I'm a very strong guy.

Very fit. That's a bodybuilder. like to be like the acting for the very strong guy very fit as a bodybuilder and I'm afraid I'm going to like overdo it just see the sea start to run through a minor having sex murder charges or rape charges I get it. I mean you want to be really delicate

here's the thing you have to be really delicate and just start light. You don't want to pinch the windpipe. It's more like the sides of the neck. It's not like the windpipe. No, it's like the sides. And it's more about the gesture. It's not about as tight as it is. You want to start really, really, yeah, light with it.

Deleicate, delicate. Yeah, that's it. I mean, if she says harder, harder, you got to like, you have to just pay attention to what you're doing in the moment and make sure, you know, pay attention is she breathing. And yeah, I get it's a real thing, but I love that you're concerned about it as you should be. So, I think a lot of it is about the notion that you could choke her, not that it actually

she's feeling it, you know, you don't want her to pass out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, don't you enjoy it. That's what I mean. Yeah, she's going gonna enjoy the domination of it Like that you're gonna be dominating her with your hands or on her neck But it doesn't mean you have to like squeeze so tight. There's a problem, okay?

Let's check it with her. Okay, Mike. Thanks for calling. It's a good question. We don't want to be deaths No We don't want that to be you guys listen whenever you're starting something new in the bedroom like if it's a spanking or We don't want that to be. You guys listen, whenever you're starting something new in the bedroom, like if it's a spanking or choking or anything at all, you have to start really light. You start slow, softer taps,

then you can build up to more aggressive, but you want to like, how's that? How's that? Anyone who's doing this kind of thing, you got to build up to it and keep checking in and pay attention. All right, let's talk to Stephanie, who's 51 in Virginia. She's thinking about adding porn to her sex life with her husband.

Hey, Stephanie. Hi, Emily. Yeah, we've talked about it. My husband and I, we've ventured it. He's open to it. For some reason, I just can't pull the trigger and do it. Help. OK, so he's already been watching.

Have you ever watched it before? Not together. I am on the medical form as that you talked about the other day. Yes, they're awesome. Yeah. Pretty much horny off the top now. Amazing. Okay. I'm not alone occasionally. Maybe once or twice a week, you know, to help. Okay. But we have not like together. Okay. So what's the fear? Well, what's the fear? What's keeping you? What's the, what do you walk me through?

What you're thinking? What could happen? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, because you've been together a while and you've never seen it. It's something new, right? Yeah. Like 18 years.

18 years. So this is the thing about sex. It's like any of you both want to do it. So I would find something that maybe you each can either's like, and you both want to do it. So I would find something that Maybe you each can either pull a clip that you both want to shut clip You know pull it as something you both want to show each other Right, and you could do that or it's more like um Is there a scene that you'd like to show him? Is there something that you have in your mind? All righty

I Really I like Girl-on-girl and three so okay. I don't want to do it, but I love to watch it. Right? No, so common. In fact, girl on girl top, that's what most women, the majority of women watch the same thing. So I would find a clip. Right.

No, are you nervous? Which part of it? I think you have your night. You guys have a date night. Do you have a night when you guys are going to be doing this? Do you have a plan for it? Not at the moment. Okay.

So I think you just let them know that like, next time you come home, you know what's gonna happen, you could just say I've been wanting to show this to you. How do you watch on your laptop, your iPad, phone? Yeah, on the phone, it's a dream at to the TV. Great, just be like I've been wanting to show you something, find the clip that you wanna find, that you to show them. We love Erica Lust porn. I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen Erica Lust, but it's like made from the female gaze by women,

for women, it's really hot. There's really hot girl and girl stuff that's very, it's very body positive. It's very like, it really turns us all on here. We love Erica Lust. Or frolicmefrogwlc.com. Maybe those, maybe that kind of porn would make you feel like it was more comfortable to show, something that you felt more relevant to you. But I think that once you do it, the good thing is you both have cleared it. So I think you could even say to him,

I'm a little nervous to do this, but I think it's gonna be fun. I think the more that we authentically show that you're not, you don't, I mean, after 18 years of marriage, he's not expecting you to go, here you go, babe, check this out. Boom. No, he's nervous, too. So recognizing like, wow, it's another first for us. 18 years, you know, here's to another, you know, 40 years of us having amazing sex starting tonight. This is a rebirth of our pleasure. I'm showing you something hot, and then he shows you something, and then you'll be off.

It'll be great. I just think it's that hump that you've got to get over, but make it fun and light. This is kind of, you know, mix it all nervous, but I'm going to do it. Does that feel like something you could do? Have it ready to go. Yeah, I think I could do that.

He's going to be, and he said he wants it too, and I promised you he's going to be into it. You're into it. That's what happens. All right, Stephanie, let me know. You're so welcome. Thanks for calling. All right, guys. Hope you enjoyed the show. I love you all. Thank you for listening and supporting the show and sharing it with your friends and subscribing and telling everyone you know how great your sex life and really ship it because you've started listening to the show. Or maybe you know people who need help, you can easily share them in episode. That's awesome.

A lot of couples listen to the show together and I know that it really helps them to get the conversation going. Alright, thank you all and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-Valmy, feedback at sexwithemily.com. Come.