Sex With Emily - Coming Together with Celeste & Danielle

Episode Date: November 23, 2019

On today’s show, joining Dr. Emily are long time friends & co-founders of the Somatica Institute, Celeste Hirshman & Danielle Harel & they’re talking about their new book Coming Together. The three of them discuss core desires – what are they, how to figure out your own, and how they’ll help your sex life, how to create your “Hottest Sexual Movie,” and ways to be more compatible with your partner. Plus, they give you a lesson on sexual breathing.Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.comFor more information on Celeste & Danielle, click HERE.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We trivialize sex as though it's not that important, but when you're sharing this, you're sharing like, you know, we're talking about core wounds here and the healing from them, like you're sharing your deepest vulnerabilities. And if your partner totally not just accepts them, but celebrates them, the level of bonding that happens in the face of that is profound, you know. So this is really important. Such a family. And I think the other thing that I want to say that's really important is a lot of couples

like they have really hot sex in the beginning because it's new and the honeymoon period and they're uncertain and they just like everything feels like a turn on because it's a new person. But for sex to last in long term relationships, you have to do this core desire work. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm joined by longtime friends and co-founders of the Somatica Institute, Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harrell to talk about their new book coming together. Topics include, core desires, what are they, how do you figure out your own, and how will they help your sex life? Creating your hottest sexual movie.

Okay, you're not going gonna make a literal movie. Okay, you're not gonna make an actual movie, but trust me, this is a great practice for your fantasies. And also a lesson in sexual breathing, so you can actually breathe along with us and it helps organism. And how to become more sexually compatible with your partner.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Maui? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemlee.com. It's going to help you change your life. And find me on all social media.

It's at Sex with Emily across the board. Are you guys enjoying the show? All right. I'm so excited to welcome my guests today. They are long time friends of the show and teachers of mine and teachers to many and I know that you're all going to get a lot from this episode as I do every time I speak with them. So welcome Danielle Harrell, PhD and Celeste Hirschman MA are the co-creators of the Somaticum Method of Sex and Relative Coaching, which I took

the training. The co-founders of the Somaticum Institute, and relationship coaching, which I took, the training. And the co-founders of the somatic institute, they co-authored three books, which I've read all of them, making love real, co-cuffinance, free and love that still. I remember having that co-cuffinance, get it? And most recently coming together,

which is just out like this week. So, yeah, I did their course, I fell in love with them. I think they have so much to offer you and a lot of us have so many people have learned a ton through them. And what I think is so great about your work is that you really are able to tap into things around sexuality that goes beyond words. So a lot of what somatic is is about being embodied, being in our bodies, what do we actually feel, what do we actually desire. So in your words, and I'd love you just to explain what is somatica. Yeah, somatica is an experiential method of sex and relationship coaching where we go

into mutual vulnerability with our clients. And so they get to practice in real time erotic and emotional connection. And we kind of like break it down into step-by-step, you know, sort of like learnable pieces. I don't think there's a lot of places to go to learn like, how do you share your feelings with someone on a deep level where the feelings are going in both directions or how do you share your erotic energy

and actually bring arousal and seduction. So we teach that step-by-step. Yeah, let's talk about erotic energy then. Like how would you even explain erotic energy? No, it sounds so elusive, right? It does. What is erotic energy then. Like how would you even explain erotic energy? No, it sounds so elusive, right? It does. What is erotic energy? But when we talk about erotic energy,

we talk about the life force that if we let ourselves really tap into it and feel it, it's kind of like the source of energy that moves us in the world. But it's not only a mental idea, it's not only a feeling or like connecting to the world through feelings, it's really letting yourself connect to the world through a pussy and

your cock. OK. And we don't often really know how to do that. Now, a lot of how we start with that is breath. Would you say that's a great place to start? Absolutely. I think we should, I'd love to do a little quick breath exercise right now. And I want all the listeners to do this because I'm telling should, I'd love to do a little quick breath exercise right now and I want all

the listeners to do this because I'm telling you this is not some woo-ee stuff. This is actually going to help you get grounded and centered and tap into what we're talking about, about the Rodic Energy and if you can't do it now, I get it. You're driving, you're making dinner. We're Ryan to go back and do this later. Okay. So, should we just do a few of them? Yes. Rats want to lead us.

So take a breath. You can close your eyes. You don't have to. But start by taking a breath through your mouth all the way down to your chest. Inhale and exhale. and exhale and the next breath take a breath into your stomach and exhale. Let us feel when you inhale, kind of squeeze your pelvic floor muscles as if you're trying to stop yourself on pings. So we go. Inhale and squeeze and exhale and let's go. Okay so why I love that that's such a great setup for your book coming together which is out right now, and that is that this whole book is about, like speaking of the erotic energy, by tensing and relaxing your pelvic floor

or your kegel muscles, which many women can do, that is the source of the energy. That is how you're going to get connected to this part of your body, that we're also disconnected from. Even myself, it's my work, believe me, I've had days where I'm like, I haven't masturbated yet, I haven't had sex in a while,

you know, and it also just helps ground you in day-to-day life. But we're not, I think that what lot of what I do on the show is I'm giving people tips and I'm talking. But the missing link is so often just that we have to get into our bodies and breathe. And what I love is in your book, which is so great that you are really honing in on this theme of our chororotic theme. And by doing this breath I know

it's one of your first exercises, then you can start to explore. Let's talk about the why you're writing this new book and focusing on what that chororotic theme is. Yeah, so people come into our office all the time. They have low desire, they have erectile dysfunction, they're in a sexless marriage and they're focusing on what that chororotic theme is. Yeah, so people come into our office all the time. They have low desire. They have erectile dysfunction. They're in a sexless marriage. And they're like, what's wrong? They're searching for the answer.

You know, a lot of times, women will be like, maybe it's my hormones or something like that. And they haven't even thought about, you know, we're talking about physiological arousal with the breath and squeezing the muscles, but they haven't thought about psychological arousal. Like, what makes our brain turned on? And why do we even have sex?

Because it isn't just to get an orgasm, right? Like, the best sex, if you think about it, it gets like, there's this story that goes along with it. Like, all of these things happen, and they made you feel particular ways. And that's what people need to be talking about when they're talking about sex. What do they want to feel from sex?

That's like step one. And we call that their core desires. And so that's why it's about finding your core desires. And then once you know what you want to feel from sex, then you want to know like what kind of sex you want to have. And this is what we call your hottest sexual movie. And so the book really paints a picture of like all of the challenges that people have and how learning about your core desires and your hottest sexual movie and then really teaching each other how to give it to one another gets you to your hottest, highest sexual connections.

Well, what I love about this is, so the first step is really like, what do you wanna feel during sex, which I think is such a great way to capture this idea, is that we don't often think we're like, I wanna feel good, I wanna feel connected, I wanna orgasm, I wanna be comfortable, but you're talking about no deeper, go deeper, what do you want to feel?

And it almost gives you so much permission once you realize that's an option. There's a way that I can choose to feel. And then once I figure that out, I'll know what that turns me on. Because then we'll get into why fantasies are important to all of that. But let's talk about some of these feelings, like learning, like, what do I want to feel during sex? How do I know? Yeah, and again, like, as you said, Emily,

like, most people don't think about sex this way. And I think this is what's so new and exciting about this book. People don't look at, why do I go and have sex? What's my motivation? And we do go to have sex. When we have sex, we really want to feel something. We want to feel and everyone want to feel something different. Therefore, the

one size fits all scenes that we see on TV are not necessarily right for everyone, right? Even though they try to sell it to us again again. Right. Right. But we see what we see in movies are reporting me just like two people together. They literally come together, right? Are they? Seen miraculously, right? Did you notice that all the time the sex is good? I was like, did you ever see a bad sex experience? And the movies.

Yeah. No. Yes. Exactly. Right? It's I'm always shocked like, wow, and they really had a great sexual experience. Anyways, every time. Which is why another reason added to the list of why we're so messed up of how we think

sex should really go down. Totally. So what we want to feel is actually something that we, it's kind of like a medicine to a lot of our hurts growing up. And as we are, and it's something that we kind of want to feel in many other places in our life too, but sex is an opportunity for us to really play with those Materials and get a good resolution to it that we get to play with materials that we have tension around them and that creates a Merotic good tension and we we get resolution. So if someone is now sure if

Someone want to feel If someone did not get a lot of attention growing up, right? So insects, they can go and really get, like, feel like she's the goddess and she's going to get a lot of attention and people are going to seduce her and she's going to be the center of the scene. That's like a good, raising my hand. Yeah. Yeah. Great. And there can be many, many different feelings, right? And some of them can be, I want to feel accepted, or I want to feel desired, or I want to feel degraded,

or I want to feel in control. And typically it goes back to our childhood. Yeah, I mean, I know for myself, I want to feel powerful. And I think when I was a young person, there was ways where my childhood was very chaotic and one parent would leave, and the other parent would leave. And I think there was a part of me that thought, like, I should be powerful enough to keep them there. You know, and so I think my fantasy is all about like power and the way that I feel powerful in sex is I feel special. So when somebody treats me like, I'm the most precious,

or the most amazing, or like they're giving me all of their attention, or then I feel special. So when somebody treats me like I'm the most precious or the most amazing or like they're giving me all of their attention or then I feel very powerful and I feel like, okay, they're staying. So it's almost like it's a balm for my abandonment fears. And it's really arousing because it's like, oh yes, it's it. I've got it. And this was a process for you to figure out. You want to feel powerful.

So for example, I just pulled up this list here of all the words you may feel from your book. I'm going to give you guys a feel like loved, calm, degraded, powerful, free, precious, beautiful, connected, considered, collaborative, exploitive, manipulative, adventurous, ravished, seen, dissolved, shamed, impressive, valued, I mean, it goes on, which is so great because if people are at a loss, I mean, when you get the book, you'll be like, oh, you guys walk everyone through with exercises, but I want to say to you, so you know that you want to be powerful and you want to feel special.

So would you say that you never actually wanna feel generous or in sexually? Like it doesn't ever copy, like, oh look, today I wanna be submissive. It's pretty much special and powerful. I think it all comes back to feeling special, but sometimes I get feel special by being generous. Right. But then the person gets something that they want

and then I feel like I've given them something that they haven't gotten anywhere else. So that would be what was generating my generosity. Right. So it's not that you're never generous, but those are still, what I'm saying is, those are still the two words that are like your North Star. Exactly, that's what it comes back to.

Okay, and then I'm gonna ask Danielle. Yeah, I'm happy to share. So for me, it was a process because I thought that I wanted to feel desired, and I still do want to feel desired. But if you're really, really narrowed down, I really do want to feel powerful, but my way of feeling powerful is feeling fully accepted and feeling that my body is so amazing that my partner partners can get so much pleasure just by touching it and making me orgasm and

feel great. So they get their pleasure through my pleasure and that's my experience of being powerful and accepted. Yes. I feel that I think we can relate to both of these so much and that comes from childhood as well. Yeah, definitely. I did not feel very accepted growing up.

I got a lot of judgment around how I looked. And there was a lot of correction of who I am. So if a lover is going to try and correct me, is out in the bedroom. In the bedroom, no corrections for me. And I'm sure you let them know ahead of time. Yeah, I'm very happy. There will be no correction.

There will be no correction. It's so freeing, though, to know that we can take these, you know, childhood wounds and that they become our eroticism. But since so many people don't want to do the work, as we say, how do we get them there? Like you, if you read the book, for example, the processes, like you know, I'm saying, if I've done done been in therapy much, pretty much my entire life. So I understand like I had to raise myself and I was independent and in survival mode and I want to feel accepted and loved and adored. I'm not sure which one of these I have to pick where I'm at now. But how do we go there if we've just kind of closed off all of

our pain? You know, you never have to go to therapy to get these high turn-ons. And we take you through the book sort of like, how do you get, because your fantasies are the clue. You know, so even if you don't know what the wounds are and you never figure out what the wounds are, your fantasies show you what the turn-ons are. Okay. And you might get a lot of healing from your core wounds without ever having to go to therapy if you have the sex that you're looking for. You're amazing. Yeah, because there's such a deep self acceptance that comes from it. Your worth goes up. You feel in control of your life in a different way if you really get these fantasies met.

And so it's very healing even if you don't go to therapy. Oh, I love this. Okay, so the first thing we would do is we'd identify how we want to feel during sex. And then we do some breath work in the book, right? We kind of talked about each other. And and then you what's the next step? I mean you have to read the book I want to get a core Yeah, but but I really want to say that they think what's also really important about reading the book and therefore also what we find

It's very powerful about the training as well as that people get exposure to different kinds of ideas that they didn't, you know, like we give you a palette of ideas because people don't know even where to look, you know, and then they start to see different ideas and different options and like triggers for them possibilities. They did not think about before and it also are really big as big as goal is to reduce shame. Yes. Because so many things are okay and people fantasize and want to do so many things. So we want to really, like, yeah, we all have childhood wounds. Let's see how we make the best out of it and how we like use fantasy and sexuality in a way that allows us to feel great about ourselves instead of feeling like we need to go into hiding

and feel ashamed about ourselves. And I love what you're saying about we don't even know what's on the menu. When people have elaborate fantasies, some people have zero fantasies, they just know they want to spice it up, that they're bored. And in starting with that, when I give them stuff like on the website, I have the yes, no, maybe list. Like here's some suggestions, do you want spanking yes no maybe but that's you know what I can do I can provide different forms and things but you guys also provide

examples for that in the book and in life because people I think people feel so lost and shamed around such well they think it's their job to fix it but they also don't want to talk to their partner so they're trying to sort it all out. So, so what are some of the, do we even dare say common examples that have helped lead people towards finding their core theme? Well, I think what we do in the book is we take you through tons of different possible ways. Everything from like what movies turn you on to books, to what are your fantasies, to visualizations. So we have so many ways to approach you discovering this about yourself. Plus, it's just full of people's stories, our stories, stories from our clients, you know,

people that we know have been willing to share their stories with us. And so it gets that imagination flowing and you start to go, oh, I could ask for that during sex. Well, that didn't even occur to me that I could ask for that during sex. And then you start to sort of like get to a sense of what you want. But we really rail against this one size fits all approach. There's so many teachers out there who are like, you know, do this particular kind of sex,

or do this particular kind of sex. And then anybody who doesn't fit into that is like, well, this doesn't turn me on. There must be something wrong with me. But we're like, no, you need to figure out what turns you on. And it doesn't matter what anyone else wants. Right. And it's so true. I feel like we feel so like there is a one-size-fits-all

Like if I do Tantra then I'll be at one with myself and my partner if I get into kink or I can tell her things But it's really I feel like in your book. It's sort of a Short cut like you won't waste as much of time figuring out because it starts everything starts with us Totally and if you have the spiritual movie, Tontra will be the place where you will blossom, right? But if you're kinky, then you need to be in an dungeon or somewhere else. Exactly. So it's like, you'll not feel good.

Exactly. So you really have to find the right place for you, and then your particular expressions and the more specific you get about what you want, the better it gets. Like, what are the exact words that I want to hear during sex? You know, like, I can tell my partner that and how do I want them to touch me and where and when and what's the build up and and then what do I want to do before sex that gets me all excited? You know, because sometimes it's not like what we're doing in the bedroom, but it's like, I want to be the lead up.

It's the tease. It's all those things, right? Keeping your pilot light lit, as you say. And for some people, what you're talking about, all the tips, the people that really want to feel adventurous and they like novelty and that's something that is their core desires is to try different things. They would be like, they would want to get all the tips

and tricks. They would want to try everything on the palette. That's what turns them on to try different things. Right. Which I think a lot of couples will be here of boredom in the bedroom. They are just, there's nothing novel, there's nothing new, there's nothing exciting. So we're constantly looking for ways that could work again, everything's novel until it's not.

Yeah, but it's really, I think they're looking, they think they're looking for novelty, but what they're looking for is to find their core desire and their particular, hottest sexual movie. And that's the conversation. Like I saw you have communication is lubrication, but what do we need to communicate about? And that's what this book is all about. So you dial down right away, okay, what do you want to feel? And what things do you do, or do you want to have happened to you that make you feel that way?

And then what I love is, then you have the tools and how to communicate that with a partner because what stops a lot of people from going on this journey is that they're like, they might even know, have an inkling of what they want, but like, I'm never going to go down that path because if I tell my partner, they're going to leave me. So they don't even do the exploration, but a lot of your work is about first embodying it, understanding it, and then here's the right way or here's an effective way to communicate it.

So you're both winning. It's not like, but what about couples where one partner is doing the work and the other isn't? Yeah, so the third part of our book is all about compatibility and how to create compatibility. And we have different ways of communicating, creating compatibility, and finding what works. And I think we help people talk about their core desires and the heart of sexual movie. So the core desire is the feeling that they want to feel. And the heart of sexual movie is the how they want to play it out, you know,

like from the words to the energy to... Let's talk about sexual movies. Do you have one? You can give us examples. We have plenty. We have endless examples. I know you do. That's why I love it. I just want people to understand that it's

kind of your fantasy that you put together after knowing what your deep yearnings are. Yeah, and it is interesting because, for example, you can have the same feeling, but you will need a completely different movie to create the feeling. So for example, for someone, I'll go back to feeling special. I don't know why I'm up for that today. So if someone want to feel special, for some person feeling special might feel like, I'm

going to be tied down and really my partner to take as much time as it takes to make sure that tie me well and take really, really good care of me as they're doing that. That makes me feel special. For someone else, it might be more romantic and they're going to want to hear like words of how amazing and special they are and how, you know, eternal the connection is. And it can look, you know, so the harder section of movie has its own importance. So what you want to feel is the essential. This is like the grain. That's where everything starts.

But then creating an elaborate movie that feels very different from one person to another, even if they have the same core desire, can she is really important? It's like writing our own sexual narrative. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Well, what I loved about your training was that it's been, I was in 2016, so four years ago, they have your training, somatic of training, has really grown a lot since then,

which I think it really shows that people are craving, hungry for this kind of work, because just talking, I think, doesn't that people are craving hungry for this kind of work because just talking I think doesn't help us get into our bodies where a lot of this energy and trauma and desire is just stuck. And so what I loved about that training was just learning like, oh, I can navigate, I can learn how to navigate rejection or how to if someone approaches me physically how to kind of

def you know what you know touching for my own pleasure touching for their pleasure diffusing touch letting people know that I'm not ready for their sexual ventures now but it doesn't mean never I mean there's just so much I learned you guys it was five what was it how many days I there we're doing we're doing we're doing 16 days now yeah I just don't have 76 pages of notes. 2016 before they came in there. I was like, wow, I learned a lot. So let's talk about your training because it is open for sex therapists and coaches, but

just people who want to become more in touch with themselves. Right? Yeah, and I think what's really powerful about the training is that you get to see, first again, the dishamifying quality of it is very powerful because you hear people and you think people, you know, like have the same story or everyone else's everyone else is better than you, but you come to the training and you see people are just people you know and you see get exposure to variety of turn-ons and variety of ways that people are and it's amazing. It gives people a lot of freedom and a lot of support to feel okay about themselves. It also gives you a lot of mirrors to be able to see who you are

and someone else. In someone else. Yeah, in a very loving support. So much of it is about shame that you don't even know that you had or trauma or fears. I mean it would come out for me all the time. I mean, I even remember the first exercise. The first day and here I am in Spend a Group. I think I was in your group, Danielle. And the first is, I think it was groups of 12. Yeah. And what we had to do was we just had to turn and look at the person next to us in the eye

for what, a minute or two five minutes. I was like, first of all, I don't like breaking into groups. I don't want to look at anyone's eyes. I'm wondering if I get a flight back to LA. Like can any of those things happen, right? And then I turned and I was looking at someone next to me and I remember we just looked at each other and I was super anxious at first that I was like,

oh, and then I just felt this like calm acceptance and like it just sort of, I felt that I remember feeling it through my body, like this warmth of like the anxiety dissipate into connection and feeling like this is gonna be okay. This is really gonna be a safe place for me. That was day one. And then by day, you know, the next day,

I'm throwing people against the wall and showing how I want to take them like this. We were, it went to, it was crazy, but what I left is it, you know, clothes on. Yeah. So we're not getting naked. There's not, or these maybe after hours, I just do tired. I don't know what happened there. But I, it really wasn't about this. Really learning how to communicate on every level about what you want with someone else's. So I learned just so much through much through that as well as working with the other students. I've made some of my closest friends there too. You know it's really friendships for a lifetime because you're going through it together. You know we did like you're not you are going deep and so I'm wondering like I'm sure I mean everyone has their own experiences in it but I just so mad at

the training they can check it out in your site it's is all in the show, we'll be in the show notes as well. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back even more, Celeste and Danielle. What are some common issues that people come to about, and then how do you work with them? I think the top three are for women low desire, for men erectile dysfunction and for couples, sexless marriage, low sex marriage, lossless bark, you know, that whole set of issues of like, how do we, we had, sometimes it's like,

we had great sex at the beginning, now it's terrible, or we never had great sex at all, how do we achieve that? And I think that's a big piece that we cover in the book around compatibility. I think people think compatibility is something you're just supposed to have and it's automatic. So many couples feel so much shame and they're failure because they're not just falling into bed together and everything's going perfectly like we see in the movies. But that's why you have to have this step-by-step conversation where you figure out what do

I want. Then you really have to teach. not just tell somebody what you want, because if I say to you, be more romantic with me. It's like, what does that even look like? Okay, but if I say, you know, I want you to look in my eyes and I want you to take a deep breath with me and I want you to gently caress the side of my face. And then when you kiss me, like, come in kind of slow. And don't just stick your tongue in my mouth right away, but like kiss me softly, right?

Like in your ass like, don't just stick your tongue in my mouth right away, but like, kiss me softly, right? Like, yeah. Don't show up. I'm a list of sentences. I have a list of sentences. She's dates meant and sends a list to them of what she wants. But I had the best sentence to make. Maybe one of my best sentences ever. It was like having my full, hot, sexual movie and one sentence. A student came up to me and he was talking to me at the end of the class and thanking me for all he had learned and he said, you know, Celeste, you're every woman. And I was like, Ta-da, I'm in love with you now.

Celeste, no, no, he's just as student. I can't take my students, but I was, you know, I can fall in love with them just from afar. Celeste, you are. I mean, the way that you, so let's talk about that for a bit because I think it's such a good point where people are... I mean, I get hundreds of questions a day. From listeners, they email, they call into the show and that's specifically, they're

like, I told my partner to initiate more and they never do. And I'm like, well, what you've to explain. What does that look like when they initiate? How? What's the best case scenario for that? Or, you know, what? Make it. So we just often, I think you're so right that we think sex should be effortless.

We should never have to work at it. And when we do, there's a problem, and it's probably my fault. I think a lot of women are like, it's my fault. I guess men do it too, but I'm shameful. It's because I gained weight or it's because I'm not sexier. It's because I'm just a failure. And that's not the case at all, just that what you guys are bringing to light here, Celeste and Danielle, is that it does take work.

But it's the kind of work that we work on, everything else in our life that we prioritize. Being good parents, being good friends, being a good boss. But yet when it comes to sex, we still think it's like this thing in the ether that we can't quite control. And so all the work that you do is somaticas,

really like, no, it doesn't have, it's not some magical thing. There's like a method to this. Yeah, and it's not just telling because we need to actually show each other, you know, like not just say, so I told you my whole list, but then I'm going to show, I'm going to do it to my partner. And then I'm going to have them do it back to me. So they really get like the lightness of the touch and what does the eye contact look

like? And I think that's a piece that's often left out, even in the communication part, because it's like not just talk, but like actually experientially show your partner what you want them to do for you. And what does an initiation look like that would work the best for you? Right. And even if you do show it to your partner, even five times, or even 50 times, they might not get it right.

Okay. five times or even 50 times, they might not get it right. Okay, because what I see a lot in my office and a lot with students is that we kind of go around with our lands all the time and with our filters and we feel that what we like the other person must like to. So even if we're told something, we can only do it a little bit like in a way that's right for us and it's not always going to fit the other person. So that's when we talk a lot about compatibility because it is finding those places that we can bridge and we can create something that works for both of us or understanding the differences and not like looking at it as if like, oh, you're not trying hard or you should try harder or you should do something different because there's something important about like knowing

what you want, we have an idea of what we that look like. We're not always going to get it exactly the same way. I'm saying it and I'm very picky. Like, it for me like is really hard for me to accept things that are not exactly the way I see it in my movie. Right. So training titles. It wasn't a professional title. You're the easiest. You're the easiest.

Yeah. And it's like the pace and the breath and you know everything has its own pace. And my partner needs to be very patient. And they need to like not take it personally as criticism. You know, like there's a lot of just like positive reinforcements about everything that they're doing right. And a lot of like, they're like, hey, that felt really good. Can you try in this angle too?

Or can you try it a little, you know, like in the moment, I teach a lot in the moment. I don't do a lot of talking ahead of time because my experience, it doesn't really work. It works for some people, but I'm so specific that it's like teaching ahead of time. Well, I always say, don't, because this is okay, let me draw this distinction,

because I always say don't have the sex talk in the bedroom, and what I'm talking about is the initial talk of like, what's wrong with our sex life and you never initiate all this stuff, because that's where most people are. But what you're right is like, we're talking about refine, refine, refine, almost being great athletes. Like you're not gonna get we're talking about refine refine refine is almost being great athletes

Like you're not gonna get but but once people are in the bedroom and you're saying like Little bit slow I love when you were just kissing my neck so gently right there that kind of stuff is like you're already in that dance with your partner Co-creating an amazing sexual experience. So they know you're gonna be talking like that But if you just wake up tomorrow with your partner having sex and you're like, I don't know And maybe you could be like could you touch me a little bit more here? Yeah, they might like that, but if you just wake up tomorrow with your partner having sex and you're like, I don't know And maybe you could be like could you touch me a little bit more here? Yeah, they might like that But why find is most couples have never talked about sex that when I've had people call and say my partner asked me Something differently. He must be having an affair So that's why it's like you guys are so in it and I feel like the way is less than that Danielle are doing it are like

The way that I so wish the entire universe could learn, but where most people are starting is just in a completely different, they have never talked about sex, and if they have, perhaps they were shame for it, or they were ridiculed for the way they were doing something, like most people, I would say the majority are just this conversation is never started.

And that's what we created as a book. And I give them advice, like you can say, like, hey, I've been reading this new book and it says this and that and this and could we try this. And we have two different ways in the book. One is teaching while you're having sex. And one is what we call workshopping it. And you know, so sometimes people do need to kind of do it where they're not trying to get to like this perfect sexual experience.

And they need to be like, okay, we're in a workshop. That means we have the benefit of the doubt and everybody's like, we know there's a learning curve and nothing's gonna be perfect and there's probably gonna be some giggling and some awkwardness. And that takes a lot of the pressure off. So some people can do it in that environment and other people kind of need more of that like serious

container of actually going into a sexual experience to learn. So it's really like finding your style. That's so important. Exactly, which I love that you give all those different modalities like they always say in life, like take what you leave, leave the rest. So there's a lot there to what you're gonna grab onto. So let's talk important. Exactly. Which I love that you give all those different modalities like they always say in life Like take what you leave leave the rest so there's a lot there to what you're gonna grab on to So let's talk about workshopping. Could you give me like a scenario?

I've a couple would come in and how they would workshop something Yeah So I have like in my mind like an example of a couple that she really wanted like more him to be much more Commanding and much more dominant and he And he didn't want to hurt her. So she didn't want to give any feedback. That was part of her need. Is she in my mind? I think part of what she wanted was to really

be very, very submissive and not to tell him what she wanted and let him do what he wants. You got a lot of pleasure from that. And then, so I said, you know, it's going to be really hard to run the whole scene like that. So let's try, like, you know, like, let's just try a little bit for a few minutes. Just play this chunk of how, you know, like, how you want him to spank you, or how he want him to grab you. And then give him some feedback. And it was really hard for her to get out of her. Like, many people also go to kind of like, translate a little bit, like they get very inward

and very connected to their body and sensations. It's really hard for them to speak. Workshoping is great for them. Because then you kind of do a little segment. You come out to give feedback and say, wow, really liked your tone, and really liked the way you grabbed me. You know, the way you held me was really good. It was long enough and the pace was right. And now can I go back and be a little dormant again? And they try a different

piece. And this is the two of them, not even when they're in your, yes, sessions. Although you probably do have sessions like that. Oh, the time. We're leading people. I think that just makes so much sense. Refine, refined. I mean, that's how we're going to learn how to be great lovers. Just keep going back at it. And I think that once you will get through, which is what a lot of this book in your training is, the shame, the trauma, the fear, it actually becomes, like, I feel like for many, they

enjoy it. They look forward to the workshop. They actually start looking forward to sex again. It becomes another shared experience, like a hobby. It's a, how do you explain it? It's like a couple of that learns to cook together, play sports together, like your sex life can be just as exhilarating,

not just in the actual active it, but the act of becoming compatible and fulfilling each other's needs can be some of the most satisfying. And sharing your deepest thing, you know? This is like brings you, brings to really deep intimacy, if you start to talk about those things that really turn you on and those very, very delicate things about ourselves that we don't

dare to share anywhere else. And then we start to share with our partners that brings huge intimacy. It's very vulnerable. We trivialize sex as though it's not that important. But when you're sharing this, you're sharing, like, you know, we're talking about core wounds here and the healing from them, Like you're sharing your deepest vulnerabilities. And if your partner totally not just accepts them but celebrates them, the level of bonding that happens in the face of that is profound.

You know, so this is really important. Such a family. And I think the other thing that I want to say that's really important is a lot of couples like they have really hot sex in the beginning because it's new and the honeymoon period and they're like uncertain and is it, you know, and they just like everything feels like a turn on because it's a new person. But for sex to last in long term relationships, you have to do this core desire work. Like you have to do the hottest sexual movie work unless you just happen to have such amazing compatibility overlap. But I would say, you know, that's maybe 10%, maybe lower, maybe much lower.

Yeah, we don't need those people. We don't need for those people. You know, those people, but all I know is most people, I mean, need this kind of work. Totally. I mean, I just think because we just don't, it's not well, you know, out there. It's very innovative, which is why I think you guys are like pioneers in this area. Let's talk about though the compatibility component again, because do you find like, do people come to you and they're just, you work with them, but they're just not compatible.

They just, you know, totally. And is it, yeah. I mean, the first thing that we do is we try to find a bridge to see if there's some way that they can have sex together that turns them both on at the same time. Or we do turn taking, right, where they like, I'm going to give my partner everything in their movie, even though it's not mine, or they're going to give me everything, and my movie, even though it's not theirs, and if you can do that generously without feeling like there's some sort of like yuckiness to it, right, then that all of that can work. So we try to maximize compatibility in every possible way, and that's what the book is all about. And then we

talk about, okay, so really, if you're just not compatible and with all of the work that you've done, there's no way to get you there than what. And we have a list of different options because even if you're not actually compatible, that might not mean you need to end your relationship. We're very close-minded in terms of, we'd not very creative in terms of how to handle those moments. And so we have lots of options.

Like what? Not monogamy. Not mon so we have lots of options. Like what? Everything's not monogamy. Non monogamy is one of them, just sort of like being with the disappointment and loving each other through it and staying connected in it instead of trying to make it go away or pretend it's not there.

And even like shifting your relationship, you know, a lot of people feel like, oh, breaking up means I lose this person completely. But what if you shift into a different formation in your relationship where you can stay lovingly connected? Like if you're family with someone, and you don't wanna lose them, you know, but you don't wanna be intimate partners in that way anymore.

I think there's ways to shift that don't have to break. Exactly, right? To see it touch the relationship. And there's another, and we also, you know, sometimes people decide not to get their heart of sexual movie with each other, but move to some form of like erotic massage, give each other pleasure that's more like, you know, warm sex style, not so like hot sex.

Well, this is a thing, so let's say like I often hear people, my partner is really into kanker, he wants to time me up and I'm not into it, so therefore we'll never be compatible. And so I just kind of point out here again, the work that you do is that perhaps she, this woman, she doesn't know what she knows she doesn't want that. And maybe she thinks she doesn't want it because what she saw in 50 shades of gray. Exactly. So we just have such a limited view but maybe a she could learn to find out that oh that actually

could be really hot or maybe what we're also saying is she still might never find it hot but she could do the work finding what she wants. And then once they're both there needs are getting met, she's like, okay, we'll figure out a way that he can spank me and then I could be a door to church. Exactly. So there is a work around, but couples just think I got a bail if we're not good. Yes. And it's so sad.

I feel like deeper to look at like how could this work? Because you barely can do that when we have arguments in other areas. When it's sex, it's just. It's so complex. It's very complex. And so I think also the important thing is you talked about disappointments and sitting with disappointments, which is a lot of work that I know we did when I was doing my training. Can we talk about like sitting with disappointment?

Such a great skill, I think. You think you just have most of us want to run? It's kind of essential actually. To be an adult, you need to be able to deal with disappointment because you're very unlikely to get everything that you want in your life, right? And people are going to disappoint you again, again, again, and your partner are going to disappoint you.

And it starts with the way they do the dishes, to when they decide to do the dishes, all the way to how they have sex. There are many opportunities for the support in every relationship, and every day, multiple times a day. And talking about those feelings and really not taking like as if it's such a big crisis because everyone's disappointed.

Plenty of time. So looking at it is like, yeah, it's a bummer and really be able not to be defensive around it And kind of listen to those feelings and process them and really get to a place of yeah, that really sucks and then people kind of if they let themselves feel the disappointment fully and stop trying to make the other person To be what they want them to be, there's such an opportunity for acceptance. And it can lead to new and creative resolutions that could not think about before. When they were trying to make it perfect,

and avoid disappointment, or disappointing, or fix every problem. Like every problem in a relationship is not fixable, but you can actually feel and stay intimate and connected in the midst of them So true I want to ask about something that if you can explain this somehow is that I feel like I know that for so many couples it's like that whole process of giving and receiving sexually

Doesn't really fit like I feel like when we talk about about heteronormative sex, how we've all learned of sex is at least for me as a young woman and I'm sad to say, a lot of this hasn't changed. I had a niece who came to say, if the sufferer, she's 20, she's interning. I realized that even though she had just heard this in the podcast when she got here, she wasn't ready but knew there was something Aunt M was doing that she was down with. But it was very similar. It was all about, she's like, I was giving out blow jobs, like it was my job. And I realized that like, I wasn't getting pleasure. And it was all about, I realized that I could have, I have needs that needs to be met. And it's like, yes, that's exactly how I felt. And I'm every day

I'm hearing from, from women, a lot of who are just like, as long as I please them, it's okay if I don't have my orgasm. But then I feel like a lot of men and I'm speaking in heteronormative terms here, but this happens with masculine feminine energy is that is that is there? Can you teach people who have been oriented towards always receiving that yes, for example, performing oral sex on your woman can turn you on? Like it doesn't have to be a chore. Like you're looking at the clock. I went down and you for 10 minutes. How like I always say, I think if someone doesn't love it, it doesn't have to be a chore. Like, you're looking at the clock. I went down and knew for 10 minutes. How, like I always say, I think if someone doesn't love it, it's gonna be really hard to teach him how to love it.

Like, unless they went into your training, is there a way to say, like, I need this. If you're fulfilling your part, or it's an extension of her or him, he wants more old sex because that's his penis and you love all of him. And how do you, can they come together? Are you sure you've examples of couples

that you've learned to get off on the pleasing and not just the receiving? Do you know what I'm saying? Because then there's some that just can't, right? Because I think it brings it narcissism. No, it just brings us back to the core feeling, right? To the core desire, because some people will never would never want to give. I'm just going to say it out loud and blunt. Please. Some people would never want to give during sex

and only would want to receive during sex. And it's really a matter of compatibility because other people would really want to give during sex and get a ride through that giving. And some people, I actually have a couple now in coaching like that. And at the beginning, it was all about like, they're really connected emotionally. There's a lot of like giving emotionally, but when it comes to sex,

the guy does not want to go down on her. He does not want to do anything. And she needs to initiate by like kind of like starting. It doesn't even initiate. He just wants, you know, like he does want to, doesn't want to feel like he's imposing anything. So she needs to take her pleasure from it. Luckily, they're very open. He's very excited about her having lovers, and she has a lover, and then you can join in

and just get his part, and they're like, work it out. But I had to work hard with her to help her separate between this idea that he doesn't love her and he doesn't care for her because he doesn't want to initiate sex and he doesn't want to go down on her because for her, this is the feeling of being special and being wanted. I think what you're talking to is about all of the socialization. And I think, you know, what we really work with, what we work within our training is about like empowering, especially, you know, empowering women to know what they want, actually, because we're actually taught not to know what we want, actually. Right. And if we do know where slides were.

Exactly. And so I think, you know, if we're thinking about your niece, you know, she's just, she's not even thought, like, who am I and what do I want in this realm? And so she's just giving, her partners might be totally interested in giving. She just doesn't even ask for what she wants. And you know, it's all automatic. Oh, I'm getting a blow-drawn, great.

Well, I don't know if that's gonna happen. I don't have to do that. It's not me, they might not come up with the idea until she says, hey, I really need this from you. And then, I think probably a large proportion of those people will be like, okay, that sounds great to me. And maybe there'll be a small proportion and be like, no, I don't really want to from you. And then I think probably a large proportion of those people will be like, okay, that sounds great to me. And maybe there'll be a small proportion to be like, no, I don't really want to do that. You know, but I think it has a lot to do

with the empowerment piece. I think so. So that's right. So there are some people who might never want to go down on you. Like they just won't, no matter what, they could spend three months locked up with Celeste Danielle. They're never going to want to go down on you. But then there's the people who just don't understand it. They didn't know you wanted it. Maybe they're afraid they're gonna do it wrong, so they don't do it. There's just so many other workarounds.

And I'm actually seeing more and more, you know, like young adults that really do young man that really do want to please their partners. And they're just looking for opportunities to learn how to be great lovers. And they would love to jump out of their skin too. So what's preventing them? I think a lot of it is many women don't feel okay about being, you know, about someone going down between them.

They don't. They feel dirty or they feel like, oh my god, why would he want to do that? Women don't ask themselves, why would I want to go down on him? But they ask themselves, why would he want to do that? Women don't ask themselves, why would I want to go down on him? But they ask themselves, why would he want to do that? It is a lot of social messaging. It is social messaging. That's what we've got to change all of that.

Well, what do you think the impact, because you guys were doing this for 15, 20 years? Yeah, same, 15 years. What has been the impact of pornography right now on people's sex lives? How are you seeing that work into your work? I think there's positives and negatives. One of the positives is that now that every single

hodosexual movie is put out on film and you can access it right away, people are going, oh, I'm not the only one who likes that. So it is deshameifying, right, for people who go and they find, oh, there's a lot of people who want to like, you know, listen to Balloon's pop, make some orgasm. I'm not going to hurt that one.m. I can't remember that one. I can't remember that one. Or, you know, just sort of like much more obscure

kind of sexual practices. And then, you know, that's on the positive side. I think on the challenging side is that it's this unrealistic picture again with everybody moaning and, you know, I've known a lot of porn stars. They're not orgasming. They're great. So, let's talk about that.

They're not orgasming. They're not orgasming. They're not orgasming. If they're squirting, it's not going up like a fountain, like they're adjusting their bodies. It might even be real, right? Yeah, I mean, I squirt like I found sometimes, but you know. That's right. So, I mean, the way it looks like a fix, maybe you can.

Yeah, yeah, I do. But I'm doing it, like, it's in my pleasure pleasure and it's for my pleasure, right? And I think they're doing it as a performance. And that's what they're paid for and that's awesome, but to expect that sex looks like that, you know, it's just unlikely, right? Especially without actually talking about what you want. And you might want to have sex where you're like, oh, look at this movie. I would like to have something that looks like this.

And you could bring that to your partner and you could try it. But it's not just gonna happen automatically, I think. And it's also like this sort of like heroin of sex, right? It's sort of like, you can just go to your hottest movie. And then you might not just go to sex with another person because you're not negotiating any of it. And it's like sort of like, okay, well, this is the easy route.

But is it really like, I like what you're saying. And I agree with you with the porn. The pros is like, it shows you what's on the menu. There's so much here, I didn't know or maybe it makes you feel less shameful, but also what if you haven't done any of the work and you flip on porn and you're like, oh, it's just sex and then you assume

that your hottest movie and then you have to keep escalating it. But then if you do this work, you might pull back and be like, oh, actually, like gang bangs just looked hot because I liked having all the attention. But you know, I don't know. Exactly. Send you down a different road, though, sometimes it. So maybe it's a step. What I want to say, I've a porn. So I said, it's the heroine of sex, right?

So it's totally bypasses seduction. It totally bypasses warm up. The warm up is instant. You know, like I can just have some porn with three minutes. It won't happen when I do it in real sex. I need much more warm up, different things. So people don't learn the skills that they need in order to have real sex with real people. And they are very much used to this like quick turn on and they don't know how to get turned on

in a slower, more embodied way. Can we talk about a razzle and how to get more turned on in a slower embodied way? Because I think you just nailed it that that is specifically what I think is missing and that a lot of people are craving but they don't even have the words for it. Maybe we say it's teasing or, you know, I would say for play, you know,

start off the last orgasm and keep going with it. Like keep or keep your pilot late lit as you often say, but what is that even like, what does that tease a rouse will look like? So it goes back to a core desire is in a heart of sexual movie, believe it or not, but it can be more embodied. What I mean by that is that people talk to you the way you want to hear and whatever turns you on. People create the movie and the seduction. A lot of the movies is not about necessarily just the sex itself. A lot of

it is about the foreplay and the way you want to be touched and the way you want someone to look at you and what kind of energy you want them to bring to you. Do you want them to bring like, you know, like a desire. Do you want them to bring a feeling of urgency? Do you want them to be to bring this feeling of like, you're so precious or anything completely different? And so all those things can be very unique to every person. So there's no one way of seduction that will work for everyone the same way. Right. But just understanding they guess that that is might could be what missing because we're not just talking about different sex positions. No, not at all. No, not at all.

Just about sex. It's about the entire app, which I think when women are walking around saying they have low libido, they have low libido, they're waiting for just to strike them over the head. Like now I'm going to be ready for sex and that never happens. Whereas maybe their male partners are turned on right away, right? Because they're more spontaneous. So, or male might say to their partner,

like what do you want? But she thinks she can only tell him positions or ways of touching her and she doesn't think, oh, I can tell him what I want is for us to go out and have the beautiful dinner together. And I want you to hold my hand and look in my eyes. And I want you to tell me that I'm the most beautiful woman that you've ever seen right and

That is getting her pussy wet right and and she doesn't realize she can ask for that and the you know her partner Doesn't realize that that is the the thing that's gonna get her revved up and really horny, you know So so it just We they miss each other just skips it all together They're like wow we have an identity in ours in years. That could be the thing that turns you to think that all of these things are factors about having incredible healthy sex. Yeah, we see people go on date nights

and it's like, well, they go and they sit at a restaurant and then they talk about the kids and the Morgan. It's like, that's not a date night. You know, that's something you can do in your living room. If you're gonna go on a date night dress up, you know, or like, if you like bondage, go to a club. You know what I mean? Like you're a experts in this area. Right.

That actually meet your movie. Or even talk about what your movie is. I did it. That's a good date night. I'm technically good. Really good. That to me is like just that is the perfect date night. And they could like take your book, come together. They could read it together. Yeah, because the book has really good.

25 pages. That's all I got, because I know it's more coming. But the book has really good instructions, and maybe we won't give everything away. There's a really good step by step instructions on how to have the conversation, because it's a very delicate conversation. And especially if there's been arguments in the past around it,

you want to create a really safe space to have this conversation, because it can deepen intimacy or it can explode. What are some of the mistakes of people that you see over and over again? Just like, oh God, that is not how you do it. The mistakes that make it explode. When the other person is telling you and you think, well, I don't want to do that. And you start making the face of like, oh, that's disgusting and that's horrible.

Instead of just going, oh, I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. That's beautiful. You know what I mean? Like, if you can just accept it, they're just telling me something. They There's telling me something intimate about themselves And so this sort of pressure of like I have to meet every single one of my partner's needs Makes people shut down around hearing the beauty of their partner's story So that's an example and makes the person who tells the story shut down as well because they feel completely criticized

They see the look on the face and they're like, oh, never mind, I didn't want that just joking. Yeah, that's not my y'all. How's your duck, you know? That's what I'm like, I'm making this face. And the sad thing is that it just takes one kind of, like people call in all the time, like, well, I tried to talk to my partner five years ago, like literally, or three years ago,

and they just had none of it, and then they never bring it up again, because this fateful like you know Scorn look that we don't even know. They're just like I'm done. I'm shut down. I'm never talking about it again Yeah, yeah, hoping up those wounds in the past. This is not a quick fix. It's a process also Yeah, and you can just make like one bad conversation I had a conversation with a partner the first time that we went out we were together for years afterwards And I had I said something that he took to me that I wasn't going to be turned on by his sexuality and like we never cleared it up

Skimney he said something to you said he was dominant and I said because I said I'm not really that turned in on by a submissive men Which like was a generalization that didn't even true, you know, but like he heard that and he's like well I'm dominant, but like he heard that and he's like, well, I'm dominant But he wasn't really dominant. He was actually submissive and so like I mean We eventually did have the conversation and like it's a long story and like we were able to have amazing sex in that realm But it was like it just sat there in the middle of our relationship and just festered Yeah and just festored. And you had to bring up the tape. This is what I heard. Yeah. And they said, oh, I didn't mean that. It's so often of what we hear is not what we

just say. Yeah. And the way that he was submissive was actually really hot for me. So if he had not taken it so badly, but how. It's just screwing ourselves into bad things. And we do. It's just like I'm fucking people from how they

fuck themselves out. So they could fuck better. Right? And then you It's like, okay? And also, people get so hooked into titles, you know, like submissive, dominant. It can mean so many different things. So really, like, getting to the details makes all the difference in the world.

And not trying to, like, again, like put your own perspective on what would that look like, but really listen well, really open-minded, and see, when we curious what they're gonna say, when we curious, I never heard anything about submissive. Let's start from scratch now. He's curious. Exactly, let's just be curious.

Be curious, because it's so easy for us to blame our part of the second they bring up sex, I'm failing you. I think that's where many people's mind go to. Okay, so what you're saying is we're talking about this, they can read your book, but how can people, sometimes they even want to see it, I had the thrill of being in your course. So now what? So we are co-producers with Jessica Habby and here she comes TV and we are working on fictional series

Hopefully it's gonna get to you know, it's gonna get to TV somehow and gonna Hopefully it's gonna get to, you know, it's gonna get to TV somehow and gonna be still there. Yeah, and the whole point of it is to create, really demonstrate how different world of having sex and really, you wanna say, the conversational relationship. Yeah, sexual relationships, but also emotional relationships.

I mean, I think we don't we don't see really good, varied sex, diverse sex depicted, and we want people to be able to see like, not just like it happens automatically, but what is the, you know, the show is about two sex coaches, like Danielle and I, and they're kind of up and coming, and they're getting all of this flak from the, you know, anti-sex world, and at the same time, they they're working with clients and they're seeing, how can we create these amazing sexual experiences between these clients? And then you get to actually see the sex. You're actually having sex.

So you're watching them have sex. You're also watching the bill that they rouse all the time. Exactly, and the conversation. And so it's not just the automatic, right? It's the like, how do you actually create this between people? And we're showing the conversations, showing the erotic conversations, like the core desire conversation, the hottest sexual movie conversation. We're showing the emotional conversations.

How do you work through a challenge in relationship? How do you have repair, you know, in business partnerships with, in your dating and marriage relationships, like, and so it's very much, it's again, it looks so different. Because you know, you see an argument on television, and it's like, who's wrong? Who apologizes? How do we fix it? That much, it's gonna look so different because you know you see an argument on television and it's like, who's wrong, who apologizes, how do we fix it, that's what it looks like. And it's ridiculous, that's not actually how deepening of intimacy happens at all,

but it's not depicted in film. So we want all of this to be depicted. And some of the people can find on your YouTube channel right now. Yeah, so what's on our YouTube channel now is there's short segments that actually show real sessions that we do with people Which is a Lysomatic a session. Yeah, it's called somatic a sessions and also on Somatic a sessions on YouTube they also have the full session. We have like six so seven sessions of 40 40 minutes

So 45 minutes where people can see full sessions with different issues that people bring. And that was also produced by Here She Comes. I love that you're providing that because I think in getting this it might seem as a terror for me, people have never really gotten into this work. I think in watching the way that you two work in just a 45 minute video, they're going to get it. And they're going to get your book.

Yes. Come together. I think what people will be most surprised by is the level of intimacy and connection that we go into with our clients in a safe container, you know. So there's boundaries that are really clear. And that means we can practice at this depth of intimacy that helps people grow in profound ways. And that's what we do in the training.

That's amazing. The intimacy. I think intimacy is such a misunderstood word that people often think it's just sex. Of course, we're intimate, but it's like, it's actually the depth that comes from trust and vulnerability and opening up around, around everything, but specifically sex, which can be so healing. Like, I love that you've the quote earlier in your book, when sex isn't a problem, it's 10% of the relationship, everything's fine, but when sex becomes a problem, it's like 90% of the problem. It takes over. So if you guys heal people's sex lives in this way,

I think it's so profound, and I know that you do. And I don't think people have any idea when intimacy is. I think that's a big part of what we teach, you know? Because people go for longevity, right? Like we've been together 10 years. It's like, really? Well, are you intimate at all? Yeah, no.

Like, do you talk about who you are? Do you accept the differences in each other? Do you support each other in being your unique selves even when it scares the other person? Like that's intimacy as opposed to like let's just not rock the boat. Let's all pretend that we don't have these thoughts that might upset our partner and not say them. And then intimacy just floats away. You can stay with someone for the rest of your life and not be intimate with them at all. So we are like really about intimacy. And I think, you know, we want to help people be intimate. And for me, what somatica is all about is actually helping people have as much pleasure, attachment, joy, connection as possible with as little pain and trauma, right?

Like maximize all the good stuff, minimize the stuff, and have it be in deep emotional and erotic intimacy. I love the way you said it. And it's in all of our reach. I'm not even asking you to buy anything. Maybe the book, but really, it's communication. It's using your words in a way that it's okay. You don't know how, because no one was taught these. Yes.

Accepting the fact that people are different, as opposed to just getting so angry that your partner isn't just everything that you thought that they were supposed to be for you, we don't complete each other. No, we don't. I always have that for me. If you can feed me, so I'm just broken until you get there, I've just been broken half a person. And also this idea that two people were born meant for each other, you know, like, yeah, I was born me, you were born you, we might have some things in common. Yeah, right.

Hopefully, you know, we definitely are not born to complete each other. Yeah, we are not. But I also want to say one more thing about coaching because our training is also to, you know, we train coaches to do this work that we're doing and and use the Sematic Amethyst in their practices. And I want to invite people to look at going to a coach as this wonderful thing that they can do for their depth of relationship. And it's like, you know, like people are so easy to hire coaches to go to the gym, you know, like to get like, our business or business to get like such a better perception and better accuracy around how they do things.

I look at somatic coaching exactly the same way. You get a coach to help you get the most out of your life and out of your sexuality. And I'm like, I want it to become mainstream. I want people to say, oh my God, let's go to see a sex coach to help us talk about stuff that's much harder for us to talk about. I love this because I am always saying, you know, sex therapy, but I always mention you guys but a sex coach and you have them all they can work with you or you've coaches now under bed with you. So they could just go and could be Skype calls if they're not in your city because people we cut people all over the you know the world. Yeah we have people all over the world now

all the U.S. we have Canada there's people. It's amazing how they would find a coach by going to your site. So I'm not against you, find a coach near me. Look at you guys. I love this. This is so happy for the work you're doing and that it's so easily accessible or readily accessible now for people. And I think it's worth it.

I think I don't know any couple or even if individuals who are struggling with orgasm are struggling with, right? And desire. Or tell this function, any of those things. They have to find out what turns them on in order for any of that to get fixed. individuals who are struggling with orgasm are struggling with right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?

Right? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. like one solution, but it's actually a very delicate, personalized solution.

So it's not one size fits all. It's actually like, oh yeah, you will go through your own inquiry about what really turns you on. And therefore, you will start to get the sex that you want. And therefore, you'll be turned on. That's how it works. Thank you so much for being here. I have five questions I asked all my guests.

So I'm gonna have to ask you, right? I'll do it. Quicky questions. Okay, so last for being here. I have five questions I asked all my guests. So I'm going to have to ask them. You're all ready? Quicky questions. Okay. So last, biggest turn on. Feeling special. Danielle. I feel like my body is giving everything to my partner.

Biggest turn off. You corrected. Be corrected. Yeah. Feeling like I'm not important. What makes good sex? For me, getting this level of attunement and getting this like, oh, what I said now, don't correct me. So specific, which is what I love, it's like we cannot get a little more specific. Yeah, I mean, just feeling adored and precious and desired connected to.

What would you tell your younger self about sex? What didn't you guys know before? Hmm, it's a great question. I would tell myself, my younger self asked for everything that you want, which is what I learned from Danielle right here. She's really good at that. I think I could make anything and do a good situation when I was younger usually, but now I get much more specific. Honestly, I would say you've got it girl. Go for it. Like I knew early on, but it was really like just, just trusted. Yeah, trust it. Okay, well, number one sex tip.

Like that's been the whole conversation. So I'll show you the whole sex tip. Find out what your core desire is. I got it. I want you to hottest sex in the movies. Exactly. Thank you so much, Celeste and Danielle, for being here. You could find them all at, we can kind of

send the website, jump in and go through the, somaticinstu.com or Celesteandaniel.com. Check out their som, Medica training. Check out their new book coming together. Check out their new book coming together. This is all be in the show notes as well. Thank you for being here. Celeste and Danielle, come back soon.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I love being here. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Heather, Alisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.