Sex With Emily - Communication Is A Lubrication

Episode Date: October 2, 2021

Here’s a secret. The #1 obstacle standing between you and the sex of your dreams probably comes down to exactly one thing: communication. It’s not a cliche - it’s a skill, and on today’s Ask Emily show, we’re talking our way to better sex. So let’s bravely face the awkwardness, with communication hacks for even the most nerve-wracking of convos.Clamming up during sex talks? I’ve got a confidence-building solution for that. How about giving tough feedback, like asking for better handjobs, or addressing a funky smell? We get into it! Finally, we tackle tough topics like telling a friend you have feelings for them, whether or not to open a relationship, and if you should stay in a partnership if the sex is just OK. Communication is lubrication, but you know what? It’s also liberating, and by the end of this episode, you’ll be feeling a lot freer.Show Notes:Yes, No, Maybe ListEpisode: Hot Sex with STIs w/ Dr. Ina Park Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I think you get comfortable speaking about it by speaking about it. When you start to say the things that you think you cannot say, you'll find that there are the people who are like, wow, thank you for sharing. Oh, I know someone who had that same situation. And your people, the ones that you want to be with and that you want to have sex with and be intimate and have in your life as friends or lovers are not the ones that you want to be with and that you want to have sex with, be intimate and have in your life as friends or lovers, are not the ones that are going to make you feel bad, they're going to judge you, they're going to stigmatize you and make you feel less than.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Here's a secret. The number one obstacle standing between you and the sex of your dreams probably comes down to exactly one thing. Communication. It's not a cliche, it's a skill.

And on today's Ask Emily Show, we're talking our way to better sex. So let's bravely phase the awkwardness with communication hacks for even the most nerve racking of combos. Clamming up during sex talks, I've got a confident building solution for that. How about giving tough feedback like asking for better hand jobs or addressing a funky smell? We get into it. Finally, we tackle tough topics like telling a friend you have feelings for them and whether to stay in a relationship.

If the sex is just okay, hey, communication is a lubrication. But you know what? It's also liberating. And by the end of this episode, you'll be feeling a lot more free. All right, intentions with Emily. For each episode, I said intention,

and I encourage you to join me and do the same. When you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? What do you want to take with you? My intention is to help you get over that awkward conversation hump so you can get on with your life of more pleasurable, enjoyable, and adventurous sex. Don't forget, please rate review this sex with Emily's show wherever you listen. It certainly helps the reach of the show so more people can listen and have more enjoyable sex. My new article on the site, it's an Ask Emily.

How do we have good sex after the honeymoon period? It's up at sexwithemily.com and check out my YouTube channel for more great sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my outline. 559 TalkSaxx or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me. sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. All right everyone, enjoy the show. We have Jessica 33 in North Carolina. Hi Jessica, how are you? I'm great.

Happy to meet you. Of course, so nice to meet you. How are you doing? Tell me what's going on. So good to see you. Thank you so much for having me. I am a long time fans. This is kind of a, like, little bit of a dream come true here. So, um, I really, what's going on in my life is I've started seeing this new guy.

He's really great because a nice guy, you know, he's, he meets all the requirements. He checks all the boxes. He just fulfills everything for me, except kind of that small little detail of, it's a little lackluster in the bedroom, if you will. And I really just want to know if that is something that is a big enough issue to kind of put the breaks on the entire relationship. I don't know if that's going to become a huge problem down the road or if that's something we can work through or I don't know. It's a good question. I mean, so my question is,

and you've been together for... I think yeah, I've been thinking about nine months now, like we're heading towards a year, so that's kind of a long time. Yeah, okay, so here's the thing. It's funny, because actually Esther Perra was on my podcast and we talked about this and we said, you know, how important is sex and a relationship

and everyone gets to decide for themselves. Now, if you've two people together and both decide, sex is not the most important thing to us. We're best friends, we split the house, duties up, we have really good parents, but you get to decide how important it is. Now, I believe that sex is something that you can work on, but you have to have two willing partners.

So, what are you missing right now in the sex life? It's not for lack of communication on my part,? It's not for lack of communication on my part and it's not for lack of trying on his part, but I think he's just a little bit more modest, a little more reserved. And I don't know that he truly knows what I mean by like spicing things up or, you know, trying new things. It's a little awkward for him, I feel like. Well, just so you're right. And I'm here. I've never met him. I feel like. Well, just a few, you're right.

And I'm here. I've never met him. He doesn't know what you mean by that. Over 15 years of talking to people, he has no idea what you mean. And in fact, it probably terrified him. But this is great news because I'm, he probably is nervous. Talk about it. Hasn't ever maybe had a partner who has addressed this with him before. And so he feels perhaps intimidated like he's letting you down. And what the hell does spicy don't mean.

So you can tell me what what it means to you. And then we can figure out how to have a conversation with him about it. Well, that's a great idea. Okay. So I guess really this part isn't spicy, but just like more sex in general, maybe not like one every week and a half, that's really not enough for me. But I was trying to do exactly what you said.

I didn't want to overwhelm or intimidate him, didn't want to frighten him and have him think, you know, like I hate our sex life, I just need like step one more of it. And then kind of going from there, a little less vanilla, a little more exciting. Okay. Well, see, this is what's really cool now. You said you've been listening to the podcast for a while. Oh, yeah. So I mean, a lot of couples, we had someone call

last week that they listened on a road trip for six hours to the podcast and then people stop. Okay. Right. If you always like, I listen on a road trip. Oh, my great. So maybe it's more, maybe it would have been helpful if you were as or making dinner one night and you played it and then you said, you know, this is my favorite podcast and then you stop it when something comes out that you guys wanna talk about.

So he can start getting comfortable hearing the language of sex and communicating about it because, you know, my listeners know this and my friends know this, but most people are not comfortable with the topic of sex. I would get them comfortable, maybe listen together, read some articles on our site, you could do our yes, no, maybe list that we have on this site. But this might be jumping the gun a bit because the first thing you're saying is it's not

even the quantity, isn't it, even enough that you're, it's not about the quality right now. You're like, he wants every, so that's an important conversation about frequency of sex. So you could start with the conversation saying, you know, I realize that sex is important to me to connect, I love when we connect. And for me, I love it a little bit more frequently. And you could say, what, how much time, I know your face. So why does that, what scares you about that? I just feel like I'm man hearing that. Oh, man, I feel like it's not a shot to the ego to hear like, oh my god, my girlfriend's like not satisfying if you're mad. Like, I haven't been pleasing her enough. And I don't want to think the last

nine months have been kind of a wash, but it's been a little bit of a wash. Just a bit. Well, you just, I mean, Jessica, I'd love to use this as like the banner question of what goes on in the show because the reason why most many, many of us do not talk to our partners is for that exact reason. So then we silently suffer through mediocre sex, sex ed, and satisfaction because we're so afraid we're going to bust their ego. That could happen. And that is a totally realistic scenario, which is why we don't do it.

So the way that you do do it is you reassure him. You start with the compliment sandwich. And you say, it's been nine months. And you start with the compliment. That's the first layer. All the things you love about yourself. I want you to know that I love our relationship. And then the middle part of the sandwich would be, and I realize that sex is something that's

actually really important to me. And whenever I see you, I want to have sex with you, and I feel like we have sex one time in nine 10 days. And for me, I'm feeling like I would want a lot more. The last part of the sandwiches and I really want to work on our relationship and I want to continue to grow. But I realize in my past relationships, I never talked about sex, and this is new for me too. So you kind of reassure him with a shared experience. And you might have to say it a few times and you could probably read his face if he looks like, oh God, and say, no babe, like put your arms around him and say, this was really hard for me too. Because I don't want you to feel

shamed and I don't want you to feel bad and I don't want to impact your ego. But I also want to get my needs met. And so I'm practicing. We practice with me. We learn with me how to communicate about sex. Yes, I love that. It sounded so gentle when you said it. It's exactly like, no, no, no, trying to achieve. Well, yeah, you could practice it. You could write it out. You could talk to the mayor. You could talk to a friend. So how would you say it?

You want to say it back to me? Yeah, and I think also a little bonus here. I'm going to incorporate something I listened to on the road trip on one of your podcasts where you guys were talking about the work that you're doing. I'm going to incorporate something I listened to on the road trip on one of your podcasts where you guys were talking about the Gotmans and you know the love languages and I've learned that mine is physical touch which actually came as a surprise to me I thought that would be like two or three but no it's number one pretty heavy. Okay.

So I am meeting that. Right. that I immediately met. Right? Um, yeah, so I guess I'll probably start and really I'd left all this stuff you said. Like, babe, just want you to know, like, I'm really extremely happy. This has been like the best nine months of my life that's far. And that's really important to me because I'm actually divorced and that was all ugly and all that good stuff. So this has been really a wonderful nine months. So I don't want this to become an issue that like affects us. But yeah, I like how you turn it into like every time I see you, really a wonderful nine months. So I don't want this to become an issue that like affects us. But

yeah, I like how you turn it into like every time I see you, I just want to have sex more often. And so that actually is a complimentary thing and not in use of us. No. Yeah, I want to definitely focus on that because yeah, who wouldn't want to hear that? Like, oh, I'm that hot. Like, thank you. I would love that, right? Exactly. You just flip it. Not even the butt. And every time I see you, I want to have sex with you more often. I want to have sex with you. I want to touch you. Like, here you go. Because that's true.

That's exactly it. You just have such a good way with words. And then I really love how you ended it, expressing how this was a difficult conversation for me to have and that I am practicing because that is true. Sex, you know, previously, is something that my husband wouldn't want to talk about. And so it kind of just was what it was. And here I am, you know, I'm 33, I've taken control of my life a little bit more.

So like, this is a good problem, okay? Exactly. Jessica, that was great. And that is, you did such a good job. I mean, really, you're so loving. And here's the thing, you have to remember, it might take a few conversations with him. He's not gonna be like, I got it.

So maybe that's where you start. And then you could start to talk about, I wouldn't even say, why don't you guys take the love language quiz together? You could say I took this really cool quiz, look what I found out. See what he is is because the touch thing is real. I'm the same way, minus touch.

And if a partner doesn't touch me when they come in the dorm, we don't, I'm like, disconnected. Like they could bring me flowers, they could bring me flowers, they could bring me gifts. They could have just filled my car with gas, but if they didn't touch me and kiss me when they came in the door, I would feel something's off.

So, it's totally valid. That's, so I think those are the kind of examples you could give him, so that might be fun. And then when you say spice it up, it sounds like you're still trying to get clear on that. You know as well, maybe you want to feel more desired. Yeah, that would be great. Yes, definitely.

So I would, I would let him know that. And then just say, and I want you to know, I, I get this uncomfortable, but I love to go for this relationship. And it's important for me to continue to have these conversations around sex. You take it off of him not performing and doing something to the both of you. And you say, I have a growth mindset around sex. I hope you do too. Ooh, I love that.

Double on time for this. Exactly. Right, so good, Jessica. Well, thank you for your call. And I so appreciate this. And I really, I feel I'm feeling good about it. But you can always call back in and we can do another call. Perfect.

I would love to and thank you Emily. Have a good one. You too. Bye. All right, I hope this made a lot of you think, huh? I realize that there are some things I'm not communicating about in my relationship that might just take a conversation to make our sex life stronger and our relationship stronger. What's holding you back right now from having that conversation and asking for what you need?

Think about it. Is it about hurting your partner's feelings? Is that you're not sure what to say? Are you afraid they're going to leave you? What's the roadblock that's preventing you from having these conversations and see if you can break through that. You can do it on your own right now, but you can always call them to the show. Okay, this is a question from Instagram.

How do you tell a girl she's bad at hand jobs, but she really wants to finish you off? No sex. Well, I have a question for you. How do you feel if someone says you're bad at something that doesn't feel good at all. So let's reframe this, all right? Let's first think about what you do like about her. And what does she like about you? Meaning, one of the best ways to get what you want is to give, right? Giving is receiving. They're all connected. Have you ever talked to her about your sex life? Do you know what she's into? What could you become better at? Are you fulfilling her fantasies? Because you don't want to go right in with her like, hey babe, you got to give me a better hand job, right? What makes her happy?

What makes her feel good? The other thing is, let's talk about hand jobs for a moment. She might have a lot of experience giving hand jobs. Every penis wants something different. I'm not sure what's bad with the hand job, but you could say, oh, you know what feels really good? Here's a bottle of lube. Maybe you want to use this. Maybe if the hand job's too dry or she's going too fast or too slow, but the thing is giving feedback also, saying, hey, you know what, using this lube

might really help you there and it feels really good to me. And then if I'm giving a hand job, help me out. Tell me, faster, slower, tighter. I think that that's all okay. And remember the compliment, say to me, she wanted to tell her things that you really like that she's doing. I've been fantasizing about being with you again.

I miss you. It's awesome. And next time she goes to give you a hand job, you can say, oh, look what I got. This can make this job a lot easier because you know how I'll feel about Lou. So that's our recommend. You'll get your hand jobs and let's see what she wants your hands are doing on her body.

Okay. Okay. Next call we have Monica and she's a female and in her late 20s. Monica wrote me a message at sexwithunly.com slash ask Emily. She says she just got into a new relationship with a guy who wants ethical nonmenagomy but she's pretty monogamous. You've been with him for how long? Three months.

Okay, you've been with him for a few months and it's your first real relationship. And it's not really something that you have been interested in before, so are you looking into it for this particular guy that you've just met or the more you've started to learn about Nav monogamy, do you think it's something that is interesting to you? Like, what are the intentions here? My intentions are not so much for me to find

additional partners, but more to understand our relationship in this context. For me, personally, it's not something I'm necessarily interested in. I think a lot of my anxieties around like being wanted and feeling valued and all of that can kind of set me up for jealousy and can set me up for like wanting a person to be in a close bond with. Yeah. And at the same time, I really like this person. Everything has gone really, really well so far. I will say he hasn't been with anyone else since we met. So he's not actively pursuing it right now, but it is something that is a factor in this relationship. Well, it sounds like you know yourself really well

and you're very thoughtful and you are being careful about this in the sense of you want to make sure you're doing the right thing and you're all prepared because you're asking for resources. And you know that you have challenges around jealousy and anxiety. And so I'm not sure that this experience of trying to learn to be a non-monogamous partner while you stay monogamous in your first relationship with somebody who is gonna wanna see other people is maybe the best way to go right now.

I'd much rather have you find someone who wants to be, I know this isn't what you wanna hear either, but I'd much rather have you find somebody who wants to be monogamous right now and do that work because you're gonna be worrying where he's at. I mean, he hasn't for three months, but that's like the honeymoon phase. That's the best part of any relationship,

or at least it should be. And then he's going to say to you, hey, I've got a date tonight, or I've got something else happening this weekend. And so I just, I would much rather have you have experience under your belt of being in a trusted committed relationship, learning what that's about,

learning your body sexually, and then maybe we can talk about non-monogamy. But I don't, I don't live the idea of you kind of giving everything over to what this person wants before we even know what you want. Monica. Yeah, like you said, not necessarily the answer I wanted to hear, but it makes sense. And like you're saying a lot of the things that I, you know, can certainly tell myself to the back of my head. I am curious, you know, something that we discussed upfront when we talked initially about like, you know, what are you looking for right now?

He did say that he was looking for a primary partner and that the people he's been with recently have been like, you know, he's interested in them as, you know, humans and like, sexually, but there hasn't been any like romance there, which is something that is definitely there with us. So I don't know if that makes a difference in the way you're feeling it. No, it doesn't really because I just don't know how well you know this guy yet.

He also was in his late 20s. And so he's that romantic with them, but he's just having sex with them. It just gets really, really tricky. I have to say people who are unsuccessful, non-monogamous, it's rare that I hear from people or I even know about people who choose to stay monogamous while their partner is non-monogamous. So I just don't even think this is a scenario. And everything that you're telling me about your situation, I don't think this is going

to go well for you. I really don't. And I understand that you're feelings for him. I really don't. And I don't, and I understand that you feelings for him, but I would continue to date on your own if you can. It's hard to say that this person is not romantic and this person is romantic because when you have sex with someone repeatedly, even if it's your secondary partner, you know, you see him more often, you get closer, you start to have more intimacy. And then for you not to have anything else to bring to that table,

you're just waiting for him to come home or to see him again. A lot of the thrill and a lot of the excitement for people in non-monogamous relationships is that both partners are benefiting by getting needs met from other partners. That that primary partner can't necessarily fill, for example. I mean, sometimes the primary partner can fulfill it, but they just want variety. You know, there's a lot of different ways that these kind of relationships work but I'm not hearing any of them well suited to where you're at right now in your life. Yeah. I think this is going

to be a long difficult road for you and I know you really like him but if being monogamous is a deal breaker for him I hope that you really start to think about what you actually want and what you're into. Because it takes, you know, how you are in these relationships successfully is excellent, rigorous communication. The other thing I'm going to say about people in nominogamy, traditionally, it works best when there are already been monogamous for a while. Like a while, a lot, three months, but like years. And if they do come together and decide to be non-indegg mis, typically both have experience with that. So you're like

learning everything on the job here. Yeah, definitely. You know, Monica, I wish I could sign up here for your plan, but I'm not going to be able to do that today. I can't co-sign on this for you. I just can't. Got it. Understood. Okay. Yeah. I want you to. Got it. Understood. Okay. Yeah. I want you to figure out who you are as a sexual being with a trusted partner, because that's what's gonna be best for you right now.

Yeah. Got it. Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you, Monica. Have a great day. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling.

All right, guys, here's a thing. There's a lot more interesting non-mini-dagabist relationships right now, which I love that people are realizing that doesn't make you a freak, doesn't here's a thing. There's a lot more interesting now-indomitable relationships right now, which I love that people are realizing that it doesn't make you a freak, it doesn't make you a sex addict, it just means that you're somebody who would like to have sex with

consensually with more than one partner. And it can look a lot of different ways. It could be swinging, or it could be with primary partners and secondary partners. However, the thing that these relationships do have is practice communicating openly and honestly about your sex life and your desires and what you want, which as you know, if you've

been listening, it takes some time. And these ones cited are doing it because your partner talks you into it. You know, your partner's not going to talk you into having a threesome or hope not calling it that's happening. Talk you into fulfilling all their fantasies. Like, where are yours? Where's your needs? What kind of relationships do you want?

So again, after three months, sometimes, I think we can be riding on the newness of our relationship and we don't really know the person well enough yet to make these kind of decisions. After the break, I talked to Chris, who's wondering if he should tell his friend that he's interested in her. The only catch, she's interested in her the only catch

She's already in a relationship Okay, we have Chris 38 in San Francisco Hey, hey Chris. How you doing good? How about you Emily? I'm good. What's going on? Thanks for calling in. Yeah, sure. It's me too. So yeah, I wanted to get your opinion on telling somebody that you have feelings for them when that other person is in a relationship already. And if you have experience with that or how it could potentially go,

I understand the ramifications, the potential ramifications of it. Okay. Messing with the friendship. Tell me more about this situation. Yeah, so I enrolled in culinary school this past year and we had a pretty small class. And so for the past eight months, I met this woman in culinary school. She was also in my class. I met this woman in culinary school. She was also in my class. And so, you know, during a pandemic, I didn't wasn't seeing a lot of people. So I was spending a lot of time with her

and my other classmates. And so we've had a chance, you know, to organically get to know each other and kind of develop that friendship and chemistry and connection. And over the course of the year, it's just, you know, if you develop feelings for somebody and I want something more than a friendship.

And over the course of that time, I also learned, you know, I would ask her about her relationship. I learned that she had a boyfriend and, you know, would ask about him. And the feeling that I got was very lukewarm. And just, I don't know that sense of like, I hate to say this but like maybe she was settling or that she could be happier and and that and combined with what I felt as a connection with her

and maybe some feelings on her end kind of has me now to this point of like oh do I say anything or not how often do I see each? What's your friendship like right now? Well, class just ended two weeks ago. So we've got plans on the books with the group of class. We were a small class of eight people. So I'm going to see her Sunday. She's coming over to my house with a couple other friends. We're going to make dinner and then her birthday is later this month. She's having a little party at her place. I'll see her then and then we have another thing scheduled in October. Do you ever get any sense from her that there is a mutual attraction or that she would take this to another level? Kind of. Yes. I know it's like a lukewarm answer, but we can feel these things.

So I think that if you have feelings for someone and it sounds like it's pretty strong and you have this bond and you spend time together that you're not really friends in a sense. I mean, you're friends, but it's really hard to kind of turn off the feelings you have for someone. So I think there's a way to do it that could also though preserve your friendship and just be really honest

and you have to be prepared for the answers as well and I would Talk to her maybe if you could go to lunch or go for coffee and just say I would you know I really like our friendship and I just want to check something with you because I will be so I can't imagine you know if I didn't do this you know how I would feel to not have said this But I do feel that there's a connection with us in attraction. I know you're in a relationship. I just want to put that out there. Now, and see what she says. I mean, my take on is like people, this is like my own opinion, is that like you're not really friends if you don't, but I see also the other side of it could be, well, that's not fair. She's in a relationship. You're going to

mess it up. And how could she really be friends with you? That's also a risk. In fact, that you called in, and it seems like this is really on your mind, because you could decide to say, I'm not going to spend time with her, I'm not going to do these things, but there's something happening in here where I feel like you have to say it, and where are you at right now in your dating life? Yeah, so I'm divorced. I got divorced like three, two and a half years ago. And so I've been dating since then and nothing, nothing longer than three or four months. I was enjoying before

the pandemic, you know, a single life and just kind of having fun. But I think what's different for me now is developing the relationship over the time versus going out on a single date or learning about going through the apps and just like, you know, that type of interaction. Right. But I also have this feeling that like I recognize from past women that I've been in love with. And I'm not saying that I'm in love with her, but I just know the gut feeling of like,

you know, the butterflies and just that like, oh, it's our connection. I just feel something different than I, with her, than I have with other women. Does anyone else study thing to you in class? Like, they see this connection now. No, no, I haven't told anybody else in class. I was constantly talking with somebody else to see if they,

to see if they saw it or if they were like, no. I'm just struggling with the respect thing. Is it disrespectful for me to say something to somebody else who's in? And it's not like, she and her boyfriend just started dating. They live together. Okay, I mean, so you know what, I think if that's, I think you're going to see her three times in the next month So I think you're probably gonna have more information You'll probably you're you said she's having some people at her house now What if you get to her house and they're they look really happy in their holding hands and everything seems great

Then I probably wouldn't say anything at that point so now that we're talking more about this I would get some more information now that the, you know, you can go out and see people and see how it feels, but it is hard when someone's in a relationship and you feelings for them, but I think if you're seeing that she's in a happy place and things are good. You know, yeah, I guess that that could be seen as disrespectful. I think seeing them in person, have you met him yet? I have, yeah, I've met him a few times. I've interacted with the two of them, probably almost a half a dozen times. Oh, okay, how do they seem? So litify as my divide that I get of like, oh, like they're not, they don't, not a lot of PDA, they just don't, they actually kind of seem friendly as well.

So. Well, maybe she's not into PDA. That's 100% triad. We don't know. I would, and yeah, I would gather some more information before you go down this road, because maybe she's perfectly happy, but you know, I know a lot of couples,

you're like, they didn't touch, they didn't touch, are they really, because I'm such a touchy person that I look at other couples, and I make assumptions based on what I would want. And maybe that's perfectly happy for us. So I think you should, from this lens, pay attention, maybe you could ask someone in class, and then you have to call back and let me know how it goes,

because now we're all gonna be very curious. But I'm not gonna tell you yes or no, my opinion on it is like gather your facts, gather your data, you know, and find out as much as you can. And then, you know, if you feel like you have to do it, you can do it respectfully, or you just kind of sit on as much as you can. And then, you know, you feel like you have to do it. You could do it respectfully, or you just kind of sit on it and see what happens. Okay?

All right, thanks for calling. It's a great question. Can you post it? Bye. Thanks, bye. Who, that is a tough one, you guys. I feel like it's risky, you guys. It's really a moral question here.

And I think it is risky if you really care about, if you have a friendship with somebody, you want to tread lightly, be respectful of someone's commitment and someone's relationship. And so I guess when I'd say to those of you who can continue to be a good friend to her, while still dating and going out and seeing other people

and seeing how it evolves, seeing if there's ever any cracks in the relationship and she starts to share with him, maybe that would be more of an appropriate time. I don't know guys, we also decide and try to be the best people that we can be, but I think continuing to be a good friend is probably the right way to go. We have Rachel 32 in New York. Hello. Hi Rachel, how are you?

I'm good, how are you doing? I'm good. Thank you so much for calling in. Yeah, of course. In my family history, there's a lot of Crohn's, colitis, really fun, stomach issues. I don't have any of those, but which is great. I've definitely had some blood issues in the past, hemorrhoids, internal, external, in general, sitting in the bathroom, which we should normalize, but more recently, I had a more serious hemorrhoid, which I then had have a little bit of outpatient surgery.

And whenever I hook up with guys, and I'm talking about within the first month, cleared by a doctor, it's, I just, I feel so embarrassed, right? Like, are they noticing this external's anything? How do I get to a place where I'm comfortable, feeling okay, talking about it? Because he wants to say like, oh great, we've been on four dates. We're having a

grand old time and guess what? That thing is like a skin tag. Yeah, I think, first off, I don't think that people notice what we think that they notice. And yeah, I have to say, get comfortable talking about it. I have skin tags. I'll say, oh, that's a skin tag. I say those things. I dated a partner with Crohn's and he was like, I just want you to know.

I have Crohn's. I'm like, okay, like you just told me this is what it is. And so I think that the more you get comfortable just stating it, it shouldn't be shameful. And it shouldn't be embarrassing. I understand why it is. Don't get me wrong, Rachel. I get that no one wants to leave but stuff. Like as far as like this is my problem. But I think

if you're going to be having sex with someone, you're going to be naked. If you just say like, oh, that's this thing that happened to me, you know, this is this um, scurry average, this skin tag you said from the yeah, like a mixture of all. Yeah, just say, oh yeah, I had some skin tag. I mean, I think that that's it. The more casual you are about it and the more like not apologizing, not I know it's ugly, I know it's weird. We did a great episode with Ina Park. She's a doctor and she wrote a book about STDs and she talks about disclosing medical information. It's closing a few of an STI or STD. It's basically like having no shame in STDs and STIs because we just, we have to normalize it and this is how it starts.

So I understand that it's, it might be awkward, but it sounds to me like you're still able to have sex. It's more the cosmetics of it. You're concerned about like how it looks. Completely. It's how it looks. Are they noticing it? And then obviously it's something that's been an issue my whole life.

So it's something that personally I need to work on, of course. But how do I feel comfortable speaking about it to someone I barely know? I know. Well, I think that's, I think you get comfortable speaking about it by speaking about it. When you start to say the things that you think you cannot say, you'll find that there are the people who are like, wow, thank you for sharing. Oh, I know someone who had that same situation. And your people, the ones that you want to be with and that you want to have sex with and be intimate and having your life as friends or lovers Or not the ones that are gonna make you feel bad. They're gonna judge you They're gonna stigmatize you and make you feel less than I think we all have said all this huge fear that everyone's gonna

Just shut us down and I just say they're doing you a favor because they're not your person. Yeah. You know I've dated people with SDIs and they're just like oh I want you know I have herpes this is what I do I take a daily suppressant I'm like great like there's something to be said for just stating it outright. It's it takes away all the the stigma around it it makes it less shameful and it just matter of fact. I think that's sexy actually. Somebody who is powerful and strong and states it and you'll find, when you say that to some partners,

they might have their own things to share with you. So all I can say is it's a practice, but one that gets a lot easier and you'll feel so much more empowered and ready for what's to come in your life when you can start to have those kind of conversations. Yeah, that's great advice because I think I'm always thinking, well, you know, of course, everyone's thinking, what are they looking at? What all these things? And do they notice these things? Right. And we all think that Rachel, that's the thing. And I think it's a really old message. I'm not saying that there are people out there

who still judge. But I think that where we're going today towards more body positivity and people just kind of being really real about their mental health and their physical health, I just hope that the majority of people are gonna say great. All right, and so thanks for telling me

and let's get down to business. But people who are that shocked look are there, you know what I mean? My heart goes out to them. They haven't had a lot of experience with compassion or empathy or they're kind of in a very superficial place if that's going to be the reason why someone leaves you. Thank God they did it for that because who cares? Yeah, definitely.

I think even writing into you, I couldn't even believe I did it. I was like in a bad place. I just had that outpatient surgery and I was like, hmm, and I was kind of hooking up with this guy and like avoiding, waiting a week until I was cleared. And I was just like, you know what, her podcast is awesome. There are so many things that I pull from this and I'm just gonna email her.

Well, it was really, really brave. And I can't tell you how many people this is going to help. So I appreciate you calling in and being honest and vulnerable with me. And I want you to let me know how it goes. But thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Yeah, that's a big step. Yeah, I agree.

Thank you so much. Of course, have a great night. Thank you. Bye, Rachel. The things that we think we cannot say, that's what's holding a lot of us back. Remember, if someone rejects you for something silly like that,

they are not your person. I would love to get rid of these old stereotypes that say, like, we have to be perfect. Everything has to look great. And like it does on social media when everything's like airbrush. So the more you can be your own best advocate for who you are, what you want,

and not make apologies if you're direct, honest, and open, you're gonna find that you're gonna attract more of those people into your life, speak your part, love yourself, at least like yourself, okay? Do it with me. When we come back, I answer a question about how to let your partner know

that you don't particularly like the way they smell and advise how to do it with compassion and most importantly, without hurting their feelings. This is from Anonymous 29 in Northern California. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been having sex with a FWB or friends of benefits about 8 months. Since coming back together, our expectations of each other have been great. People have great orgasms, the only thing is she doesn't smell great. And I know it's not just smell like daisies, but to the extent that she's one of the best sexual partners I've ever had, she's also equally some of the worst I've never had a sense that she's one of the best sexual partners I've ever had. She's also equally some of the worst I've ever smelled.

I want to go down in her. I thoroughly enjoy going down in a woman, but I just don't know what to do about the smell and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I once asked her what she liked and what she wanted more of and you guessed it. She wants me to go down in her sometimes. I don't have the heart to tell her, but I don't do it because of the smell. I love your show. What do I do?

Not an easy conversation to have at all. Sometimes women have odors and they don't know it and the biggest concern here is it might be because of an infection. She could have something called bacterial vaginosis, which is simply an overgrowth of bacteria that can be caused from having a few sexual partners. It can also be caused from like douching or over you know cleaning with some products that have a bad reaction

and the bacteria. And every vagina is getting disrupted. All right, so how do you let her know? And again, this is outside the bedroom. Now when you're fooling around having sex that will like totally take her out of the moment. But what you want to say is listen, I love going down on you, you know how much I love pleasing you, right? We got to like leave this stuff and I need to talk to you about something. It's really uncomfortable, but I'm a little bit worried about your health. Lately, I've noticed that there is an

odor and I've done a little bit of research that it could be something that you could just take care of. Go see your gynecologist, it could be something called bacterial vaginosis, and I love going down on you. I can't wait to do it again, but would you be open to going to see your doctor? And that's what you say. And honestly, this is just showing that you care about her well-being. I mean, think about it. We get over the awkwardness, but really, if someone said this to me, I'd be like, oh, he actually cares about me.

He's not using it as an excuse while he's never gonna go down to me again because that would be the end of that relationship. But someone's saying, listen, I really care about your well-being and here's what I found out. And he'll be like, okay, upward, but yeah, you're right. And let me call my gynecologist.

Peace out. That's what you do. Thanks for the email. Okay, we've got Sarah, 35 female in New York. Hey Sarah. Hi, Emily. I wanted to get your advice on being a braver around initiating. And great relationship, long term.

I've been married for almost six years now. And we've been together a longer than that. And my husband, he's great, he's amazing. I feel like we're just in a season of life where I seem to want sex more than him, which I know is fine. But I feel like I'm freezing up. I think about wanting to have sex. And I like, I'm like, oh, I should do it. I'm in the mood. He's just sitting there. And then I come up with all these reasons to my head of why I shouldn't do it. Oh, now it's not a good time.

He's busy. A million things I talk myself out of that. Okay, yeah, let's help you here. So, who is initiating right now when it does happen? Is your husband mostly initiating it? No, it's mostly me. Okay. So, as something happened when you? No, it's mostly me. Okay. So, is something happened when you've initiated

and it just hasn't gone right? Not really, but I can pinpoint. I mean, he's rarely turned me down. I mean, the only thing I can think of is that like I just, maybe in the back of my mind, think like I will think badly of me or like, you know. Okay. Things that we were told growing up

like women are not so, so, so, so, on sex or, like, you know. Okay. Things that we were told growing up, like, whether or not it's so so on-site or, I don't know, I feel like if I'm initiating, he's gonna think like, oh, she's like ready to go for penetration and like that's not what I want, you know. Okay, yeah, absolutely. This is a great thing that's topic that you're bringing up right now

because it's really, really common in relationships that someone's initiating, someone's not. we tell ourselves stories, like what is it, you know, so what I love here is that you, Sarah, are aware of what you're thinking in the moment, like, then it could be shame or it might be, I'm not supposed to do this. So that's great. What is your communication like with your husband about your sex life? So I do try to talk to him about it. I love all of your advice. I love talking about it outside the bedroom. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to talk about it. And I feel like I'm the one like nagging him. And so then it tends to be like, I'll try a little bit. And then he seems

resistant to talking about, he'll do a little bit at a time, but sometimes it's too much of him. So that maybe is playing into it as well. Okay, well, I feel like there's a lot of these stories here. I always say you gotta check a story. It could be a lot of things. It could be the fact that he's not initiating. Maybe there's also part like,

why isn't he initiating? Are you feeling you're the only one going after it? No one wants to be the fact that he's not initiating. Maybe there's also part like, why isn't he initiating? Are you failure? The only one going after it, no one wants to be the only one carrying the weight in the relationship. And also the fact that you feel like he doesn't really want to talk about it. Some people just aren't as comfortable talking about sex. Okay, I would say the majority of us

are comfortable talking about sex. And so what you're reading into is like, he only has a short attention span for it or he gets to his limit. Until these are all the things that I think would be so good to check with him and say, I want to have a conversation with you and compliment Sam much. Here's the things that I've been loving about it. And I think you could be honest with your husband of six years.

I find myself lately freezing up and I'm thinking about you and I get turned on and I'm sitting in the other room and I want to have sex. But I have all these thoughts that run through my head and I want to talk to you bottom And I've also felt lately that maybe you're not as open to having our conversations So is there any truth to that? Can you let me know where you're at with our sex life? Yeah, you could talk about a you could start with the communication So you've two choices you could say I just want to talk about our communication around sex Feel like we haven't talked about it lately. What's on your mind about it? Anything

you've been wanting to try, you could start very basic, like what are your fantasies you could play with it a little bit and kind of get you both going without the pressure of we need to talk? Yeah. To hey, I've been listening to sex with Emily. This is what I got. We haven't done this lately. Wouldn't this be fun? Let's have a glass of wine and talk about our sex life. And then you could have a go from there. Or you could say to them, I've been wanting to try it. And I feel like it just hasn't been the right time.

And I've got some of these thoughts. Is there any truth to that? I've seen you check this with you. It's really just conversations. Yeah. Because I'm sure he's probably appreciates that you're initiating and wants to have sex. It sounds like it.

He's not saying no. Right. Is there a party that feels like he really wants to be saying no? No, I don't think so. Yeah. Good. Okay.

So really, it's just your thoughts, and maybe you need some, like more of a dialogue with him, and I'll bet if you can get him to open up more about it and see it's not so scary to talk about sex, then, you know, maybe he'll get going again, because remember, it's a muscle. Like, the more that you bring it up and not wait, the better you're going to feel. And the more he can maybe understand, you can let him know how it makes you feel when

that happened. Not to make him feel bad, but say it made me feel less encouraged to initiate or less encouraged to bring up these conversations. Is there something we could do to make this conversation more comfortable for you? You know, just because it's okay, you're totally, I love that you're called me and I love that you want to have to continue these conversations because that's the only way it's going to get better and you're going to get your needs met. Definitely.

And the other thing you would say, I think about initiating, do you have any fantasies about me initiating? Like, does he have a moment that you're like, what would be your ideal scenario for me initiating? And you could say, well, I'd love you to surprise me or walk in in that great outfit. Or, you know? Yeah, I think I did, I think if I did have like clear directions or something that he's looking forward to, that I would feel more confident. It's very helpful.

Thank you so much. And I thank you for all of your advice. I listen all the time and I meditate, masturbate, manifest, and hear for all. Oh, good, Sarah. Thank you for calling in. Thank you so much. It was really good to see you and talk to you.

Take the post it. OK. Have a great night. Bye, Sarah. You're that's a really common thing that comes up for a lot of couples rod initiating sex. Either we try to initiate our partner rejected us, so we feel really bad about it, and

we feel like, well, I'm not going to do it again because we don't want to be rejected. If you think about it, if no one's initiating, there are zero sex happening. So whether it's talking to your partner about what would be a hot initiation scene, or getting to the root of why you feel that it's not okay to initiate are all really great roadblocks to clear out that will make it a lot easier for you in the future to start having the sex that you desire. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner.

Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We released two to three episodes a week, find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many great articles that I've been deep into topics like, How do I have multiple

orgasms? How do I less longer in bed? How do I stop thinking about my ex? What sex toys should I try? And so much more. Sign up for weekly emails. I've been told I give really good emails. I do.

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