Sex With Emily - Connected Sex

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

When it comes to sex, do you have a growth mindset? Whether you’re a new parent and your sex drive has tanked, or you’re trying to break free from a mental pattern that’s blocking your pleasure, we all experience sexual roadblocks. Never fear: you can have a sex reset! On today’s Ask Emily show, I’m helping you ID the obstacles to your sexuality, from trauma, to a repressive upbringing, to a disconnect with your partner. And one by one, I help you figure out solutions that open the door to self-exploration.Click Here to Subscribe.What do you do when you’re “spectator-ing” yourself during sex, and battling against mental chatter? Or you’ve got a religious past, that makes sex a bit triggering for you? In both cases, I provide mindfulness techniques that help you quiet the mind, and feel into your pleasure. What about when it’s a block with your partner, when you’re just not on the same page about your desires? I’ve got ideas to normalize sex talks, and help you communicate your needs. How about when you crave a certain type of power dynamic, but aren’t sure how to explore it? I give you ideas for approaching it safely and consensually, with a play partner. This episode is all about self-exploration, and helping you reclaim your full sex potential.For more information about or to purchase the products mentioned in this podcast, click below:Je Joue Mio Vibrating Cock RingSystem Jo LubricantsShow NotesWe-Vibe NovaInstagram: The Holistic Psychologist Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Remember, think about when you go out and date with someone or you're going to know someone and you ask them about their favorite food or were they like to go on vacation or whether they watch sports, whether they shop, these are the kind of things that were the favorite movies, music. We talk about everything but with sex, we have to eat it out of somebody or guess. It's time to have conversations. We have to eat it out of somebody or guess it's time to have conversations. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When it comes to sex, do you have a growth mindset?

Well, whether you're a new parent or your sex drive has tamed or you're trying to break free from a mental pattern that's blocking your pleasure, we all experience sexual roadblocks. But don't fear, you can have a sex reset. On today's Ask Emily Show, I'm helping you identify the obstacles to your sexuality. From trauma to a oppressive upbringing to a disconnect with your partner. And one by one, I help you figure out solutions that open the door to self-exploration. What do you do when you're spectatoring yourself during sex and battling against mental chatter? Or you've got a religious past that makes sex a bit triggering for you. In both cases, I provide mindfulness techniques that help you quite the mind and feel into your pleasure. What about when it's a block with your partner when you're just not on the same page about your desires? Well, I've got ideas to normalize

sex talks and help you communicate your needs. What about when you've a certain type of power dynamic but aren't certain how to explore it? Well, I give you ideas for approaching it safely and consensually with a play partner. Wow, this episode is all about self-exploration and helping you reclaim your full sex potential. Alright, intentions with Emily. Join me in setting an intention. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? Well, my intention is to show you how a growth mindset and curiosity can totally transform and elevate your sex life in any stage of life. Remember to rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen. My new article, Ask Emily, How Do I Get More Comfortable?

Master rating is up at sexwithemley.com. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions there or message me sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy the show. We've got Katie 33 in New Jersey. Hey Katie, so tell me what's going on. Absolutely, so I'll give you a little background 33 divorced, two little kids under the age of 10. I feel like I just come to the fact that sex was supposed to just be unenjoyable.

I was with someone for 10 years, was never really able to achieve orgasm internally, always had to be like a manual external thing. And as I've now begun dating and seeing that there's so much more out there, I want more for myself. And I've come to this, you know, conclusion that every time I'm engaged with someone, sexually, I'm like, spectatoring. I'm like seeing it outside looking in. I'm not present. I'm worried about if they're enjoying it. What it looks like, I'm not present. I'm worried about if they're enjoying it. What it looks like. Will I orgasm? It's just I'm so distracted and I just I'm like, what do I do now? Like I'm in my prime. This

shouldn't be the way it is. Yeah. Spectatoring is that process of just being in your head. You're like looking at the sex act outside of yourself. You're focusing on it from another, you know, perspective. What's happening and what's could go wrong rather than being in your body and focus on your sensations. Well, your brain is the most powerful sex organ, right? So if your thoughts are, is it gonna happen? And what am I doing? And while these fears, that is going to impact your ability

to be present and to have the best sex that you deserve. So I love that you're on this journey right now. And it sounds like you didn't have that before. And so the first thing is, do you ever do any masturbation or any self pleasure on your own, is like understanding your own body and what feels good? It's like that at my age. The only kind of masturbation that I've engaged in is like just quick fast literal. Like when I was young, I have two little kids, it's

get it done. And I was talking to my girlfriends and they were like, Katie, like, you don't, you don't do anything internally, like you don't try and find your G spot. And I'm like, no, I don't. And it's like a whole new thing for me where I'm like, oh my God, could this feel good? This is a practice. And majority of women are like you, I would say, oh my God, could this feel good? This is a practice. And majority of women are like you, I would say, haven't done the exploring.

We still have sex the same way we did the first time we had sex. We still orgasm the same way. So just look at this as a period of exploration. And so I know you've two little kids, but if there's ever time that you could take a bath, close the door, focusing on mindfulness practice where you're slowing down your thoughts and you're trying to quietly restructing thoughts and you're focusing on what am I feeling

in the moment. So you move your hands over different body parts and you're like, what does my fingers feel like on my elbow and what feels good to my touch and you slow everything down. And you're going to still have the thoughts and you're going to still say you're going to be rushing trying to get towards orgasm because that's our practice. But the minute you can try to just even if it takes you dozens of times, go back to the moment. What am I feeling? Because I think this is the process of you learning your body right now. You're a 33 year old woman. So you have your whole life ahead of you and you are so ahead

of the game. I mean, I hear from women, a lot older who haven't even thought about this stuff. So you've been busy. You're in a marriage at that survey. You've had two kids and let's just say that today is the start of a new journey for you. You are starting to unpack and explore what feels good to you. So then when you're with a partner, you can start to explain those things and you can start to understand your body. That's how you get out of spectator, but it is a practice. I don't have a quick fix for you.

It could be stuff about how you feel like your body, maybe you're worried you're not performing, you're not even in orgasm, maybe you're thinking about something that happened earlier in the day. There's so many things that go into it. You're right, it's such many things that go into it. You're right.

It's such a combo. It's just not here. Whether it's me thinking about the person that he was with before and how much better it probably was with them because they could orgasm or whether it's, oh my god, it impact lunches for tomorrow. Right. Oh, they had mom or it's just, it could be anything. And it's just, it's so intrusive.

So that's it. It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world because no one else can tell me what I'm feeling. Only I know what it feels like to have this finger on my body right now, but we can't do it because we're so in our heads. Don't get me wrong. I stress, I worry, I think I'm not getting there fast enough. I do all the things that everyone else does. Okay, we all do it to varying degrees. You're never just, you don't have any of that. It gets a lot easier over time. So there's nothing wrong with it. You're not broken. It is a little expected. Yeah, you're not at all. Go to a toy store, buy some toys that make you feel good. Practice, you could get like a insertion

vibe, the Nova, which is a great one by Revive. It's like a rabbit vibrator, but it has like a dual stimulation model to it so you can Practice internal stimulation external just because you sex be get sex and the more you get into your body and you start realizing what feels good to you You'll have more pleasure and then you'll be able to describe that to a partner as well So we just got to get to know who you are right now without this past relationship Katie and just landing at this at this body at 33 years old. What do you want? And you get to explore? I love it. And honestly, you telling me like, this is your time for exploration. It takes the pressure off. It doesn't mean I'm wrong that I haven't figured it out yet. Yes, you're so, you're ahead of it. So many women never even got there. You're way ahead of it. No, you're great.

Today's the first day of the rest, your pleasurable life. Love it. Love it. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate you. Absolutely.

I'll talk to you. I love you. Bye. Thanks, Katie. All right, guys, your brain is the largest sex organ. And in mindfulness practice, we'll be something that will serve you in every area of your life. You can learn how to diffuse anger, to focus better. You'll learn how to most importantly, welcome more pleasure into your life.

If your body is worrying about the past or the future, it cannot be focused in pleasure. And that's what I'm all about. not be focused in pleasure. And that's what I'm all about. I don't have a quick fix for any of this, but I can tell you what a really healthy mindfulness practice will do, and it will definitely help you have more pleasure. This is from Mark 24 in Kansas. Hey, Dr. Amelie, my fiance and I have recently moved into a house together on our own about four months ago.

We used to live with my parents together, so you could say our sex life was on the difficult side. Well now that we've moved out, our sex life is amazing, except she will not perform oral for me, and it's very frustrating. Considering, I've told her that it makes me feel like she wants me when she doesn't. What can I do to get her to do it more? She also hardly lets me perform oral on her, and it's frustrating, and I don't know what

to do. Alright, Mark, have you talked to her outside the bedroom about what you're both into and that you love when she goes down on you and it really turns you on, it makes you feel great and you want to know what turns her on and what part of oral sex is in great for her. Get curious.

Remember, we have to be curious. We can't be blaming and we can't say, why don't you ever go down on me and you can't say, I really want to go down on you, why won't you let me. The second way of those kind of conversations with our partners, they're just going to clam up and they put some on the defensive. So just saying this is something that I really fantasize about. I'd love to turn you on, what turns you on.

These are the conversations you're 24 years old and you just moved in together. So I think outside the bedroom, you use my timing tone and turf, do it at the right time. Your tone is light and curious. Hey, now that we're living together, I'd love to find out how we can be the most sexiest, romantic best lovers to each other. What does that look like for you?

For months, we were in your parents' home, but now we get to be in our house together. And this is where I fantasize about This kind of sex and going down in you and what do you fantasize about? So it just sounds like you need to have some more open conversations about what feels good to her, what feels good to you and it sounds like there hasn't been a time or space for that.

And I see that you're frustrated because you won't, you said she won't perform but I've told her. But remember, sometimes just telling our partners what we want and we're not gonna get it and I don't think she's trying to hold back and be an asshole to you. Listen, this is why people don't give oral. They either are worried they're not doing a good job.

They have some fear around it because they had a bad experience once or someone told them that it was not clean or not safe or something like that. So I would find out and say, listen, I love oral, I love giving and receiving. But tell me more about, like, how do you feel about oral? What's been your experience with it? What do you like about it? What don't you like about it? What are your favorite things about sex?

Remember, think about when you go out and date with someone or you're going to know someone and you ask about their favorite food or where they like to go on vacation or, do they watch sports, where do they shop? These are the kind of things that one of the favorite movies, music. We talk about everything, but with sex, we have to eat it out of somebody or guess. But I want to normalize this across the board. And I think that if you just moved in together

and you're gonna be together for a while, or at least you're gonna try to make this work, it's time to have conversations. Hopefully you're gonna find out that she also has a growth mindset around sex. And she is like, oh, I was just waiting to talk about it. She might say, this is uncomfortable for me. Then you've got to talk about it and go slow, but this is a conversation that's to keep

happening. If she's shutting down the sex conversation and the oral conversation, then we have some more information here to work with. All of you, I want to make sure that you are with partners that are willing to talk about sex and have a growth mindset around sex. That is important. If you're listening to this show, I guarantee you that's what you want. And if your partner's not there right now, you can try to get them there, try to get them on board. Listen to this show together. I know that helps a lot of couples.

But if they say no, I'll never talk about sex. I'm not interested in sex. And I'll never go down on you. Then you have enough information, I think, to make a decision that works for you. All right, thanks Mark. This is from Monica. Hey Dr. Emily, thanks for taking the time to read my email. I'm writing you from a desperate place.

I am lost with what to do. My husband and I have been married for five years and together for 10. We love each other very much but are unhappy. My husband's unhappy with many areas of his life. Mainly his job and he brings those stresses home. I'm stayed home mom of our two beautiful boys three years old and now one year old. As much say, door them, I've been quite anxious and quite honestly depressed staying at home. I've lost myself. All this being said, my sex drive is lacking in

quite the contrary. My husband's escape from his stress is sex. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex a lot when I'm in the mood. It's wonderful. I love giving him oral and he also wants to satisfy me by going down to me, but the problem is I don't enjoy it. I can't even physically or mentally relax. He gets frustrated last night. He said, I'm tired of this. I just so that he wants to do everything in the bedroom and that he feels that I'm being selfish for not letting him do what he likes, but he doesn't understand I don't like it. I've tried receiving oral and every time I tend so bad, I almost choke him with my legs. I appreciate any place you have. Thank so much for everything you do. You're amazing. All right.

Listen here, Monica, you two small boys at home. A lot of us have been inside the same four walls with our partners the last year to have even more so. It's been a challenge. It's been a challenge for everyone. But you're also a new mom and libidos and new moms are not always what they once were. It will come back. But let me just tell you here that that's okay.

And I feel like it would be a great time for you to have a conversation with your husband about the reality of what you're feeling right now outside the bedroom, have this conversation. And if you're not interested in going down and you, what does turn you on? What does arouse you? What feels good to you? It could've been before kids, but can you think about a time where you really got in the mood?

What was happening? Did you guys get dinner? Did you get a babysitter? Do you guys ever get anyone to watch the kids right now? Have you been prioritizing your pleasure? Did you have you been prioritizing date night? Have you guys had time away? Have you had time to not feel like a mom

and time to feel like yourself again? Are you doing any of the things that make you feel embodied, you know, in your body? Are you taking time for yourself and understanding your own sexuality? It sounds like this has become very transactional in a way. Like, you're going down on him and then he's trying to go down on you and you're both really frustrated. And I think that there's a reset that has to happen after you have kids. And a lot of us need this. If things are the same and you keep doing it, have trying to have the same kind of sex over to over again,

it's just not gonna feel as satisfying really to anybody. So having a ground zero conversation and saying, all right, let's just maybe even take sex off the table. Let's do some discovery. Let's check out, let's listen to Emily's podcast together and see where we can rebuild again. And you both like the foreplay part of it. Sounds like you both want to please each other, but it's not happening in the right ways or in the right order of events. And you said that you've been anxious and depressed. And I wonder if it's because you also have a young child at home. You have there's

even one year old and a three year old. So you've been really busy the last few years. Have you gotten your hormones checked? A lot of the anxiety and depression from new moms comes to the fact that you're told that you should bounce back after six weeks and you should be wanting to have sex again right away. And that is not true for the majority of women, but yet a lot of doctors tell them that.

So a lot of women I've talked to, the postpartum are like, oh God, I was not in the mood for a while, and then I kept trying to overcompensate, and then I'm just exhausted. But also, you're just exhausted because you've two kids at home, and you probably, it doesn't sound like you've a lot of help maybe, or you get to take care of yourself. And I think that new moms forget to do that all the time,

and sex just becomes the problem in their relationship. I would love to invite couples every few years in your relationship. How do we like look at our sex life and what can we do better, different, what do we both need now? Because it does change over time. And you've been together for 10 years

and now your new parents together. So I would say, I would love you not to beat yourself up to prioritize your own mental health if you really are feeling depressed and anxious. I would love you to see a therapist and get some help for that because when we are not mentally well, it's really hard to show up healthy in every other area of our life. It just is really impossible when our brain's telling us to shut down and feel bad about ourselves. So I invite you to prioritize first your mental health, then you can think about your pleasure

and think about healthy ways of communicating with your partner. But let's start with you first, alright? Thanks for your email. Let me know how it goes Monica. We're gonna take a quick break but we come back. I'm talking to George who's having a hard time reaching orgasm when he has penetrative sex. Have you struggled with that? It's more common for penis owners than you think. We'll be right back. Comment for penis owners and you think, we'll be right back. So listen up everyone, it's not too early to think about holiday gifts and for the pleasure lover in your life, I've got the little best gift idea. But once you hear this, I'm thinking you're probably going to go, holidays?

Who needs a holiday? I'm buying this now. It's the J.J. gift set featuring their iconic Mimi vibrator. Here's what J.J.U. gift set featuring their iconic Mimi vibrator. Here's what it comes with. Truth or Dare, an intimate card game by J.J.U. A satin blindfold and restraint, a luxury massage candle that smells amazing, and a limited edition rose gold and black Mimi vibrator. Now, if it were me, I would pause the show right now just for the Mimi,

because here's a deal. It's one of the most perfect, literal vibratorsators. I mean it I've tried a lot of sex toys in my day but the me me has these ultra low frequency vibrations that transfer deep into the body accessing all your hidden literal nerve endings. Trust me you've never had norgasm like this. The J.U. gift set has everything you need for a hot night of exploring your lover's mind and body. You'll finish the night feeling spoiled and loved up. So grab the special offer now before they sell out. This box has a $150 value, but right now you can save $30 and get it for $120. Plus my amazing listers get extra 10% off with promo code Emily.

Just go to sexwithemily.com slash gift set for this amazing package. That's sexwithemily.com slash gift, sct, gift set with code Emily. Let's talk to George 25 in Tennessee. Hey George, tell me what's going on. Yeah, so it's a loaded question. I'm not going to lie. At first, I was going to talk specifically about, I think, what are the symptoms of my issues, which are, can sometimes be ED, it can sometimes just not really feeling a sensation. It can sometimes be an hour of sex, but no orgasm. But I think going all the way back to the first time I've had sex, I've always felt the pressures of it. And I grew up in a house of

women and always wanted to be the person that was respectful to women. It was not into hook-up culture. And so I think when it came to sex, I was very passive. I was never in a household that was not sex-positive, but I applied some self-same, I think. To the point now, where sex kind of occupies this space of my mind of something that feels unnatural, something that isn't for me. So I can probably count on one hand how many positive sexual experiences I've had.

I'm in a long-term relationship. I'm also in a long-distance relationship where I'm trying to take the time that we're apart to work on myself so that when we're together I can be more improved and have processed some of the insecurities that I may have and just wondered what your thoughts were for somebody with that type of history on how they can change their sex life for the better. Thank you for sharing all of that. So try to understand your sexual history. In most your relationships, did you have some kind of like you said it was ED or delayed ejaculate or you wouldn't eject it?

Oh, yeah, I'll provide more context there. When I was 15, I lost my virginity and I did not have an orgasm. And then I didn't have sex for a year after that. And hindsight, it was clear that I was doing it to get it over with. And then I think I had an orgasm one time out of the many times that me and my partner had sex. Flasked for six years of not having sex.

That's when I started to get into my head and really starting to reflect that, I don't feel desirable, I don't necessarily feel that sex is for me, my experiences have shown me that. And so it was a part of my life that I ignored. And I listened to your most recent episode around why can't I orgasm?

And I feel like I learned a lot from that of like that six year period period. Was that the time that I rewired my body? This is how you like experience posture. And now if I have sex with someone or if I put a condom on my dick, it's like what is going on here? Yeah, like in those six years, were you masturbating? Were you using your hand? Were you watching porn? I masturbate with my hand and it's probably once every two weeks honestly. Okay. And it was more of a means to an end not necessarily enjoying myself. There's a lot going on around sexuality and feeling that it's okay to be sexual. Maybe there's some shame around being a man even. But after having these messages from childhood

and it might feel like it's not safe to really be yourself and to let go, maybe you have fear around what could happen. And so you've just created this whole world inside of you where it's not safe, there's shame. And as a result of that, it just has built upon each other to become this whole thing that's not that-

In to the point where I can't be in the moment and I'm just in my head thinking, now it's gonna be hard. Like literally even if I'm by myself and I get somewhat of an erection, I'm like, can I hold it? Like, so your brain. So you say it all the time,

like your brain is your most powerful sex organ, right? So I'm like practicing mindfulness and trying to get grounded. But at the same time I think that there's more than that that I have to unpack. So mindful masturbation could be really great for you, where you're really practicing. You're not using porn, you're not using anything, there's lying back, and you're experiencing with your hand, you're really like thinking about touching your body and what feels good to you. Slow, it's breathing, it's bringing your mind back when it's wandering, like you're going to get hard, you're not going to get hard, you just go back to your breath and back to the moment.

That is the practice and maybe 20 times in 20 minutes, your mind won't wander, but to me, you're very clear and articulate. You care, you're passionate about the emotional side of this and you're really stuck with your partner and you're passionate about your own challenges. So I feel like it is mindfulness. It might be some therapy to impact some of these early messages, but how honest are you with your girlfriend about these things? Probably too honest.

Oh, good. Yeah, I love that. I love that. Yeah, no, I'll be communicate a lot about it. And I'm extremely honest. I think you've given me tools to have different types of conversations at this point, which has been extremely helpful. Like talking about sex like this, I wouldn't have done

this three months ago. So I think that in and of itself shows some sort of progress. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it feels like you've been doing this your whole life. But what I think that you're really, you are a natural, you know, also a great tool for a lot of people who are stuck in their heads is focusing on your partner's pleasure and taking the focus off your own. I know that you said you're not together right now, but I found some men who have ED have found as a young man, focusing on your partner, giving them pleasure,

and just taking the pressure off yourself. Like in a way, when we get stuck in our heads, it's a very self-absorbed, we all do it, but being what once we give, that's why they would say giving is better than receiving and help others. You really can't be worrying about yourself, but that would be a practice too of just making sure you're showing up for them.

And then you might, where I've noticed a lot of men, I talked to, they're like, Oh, look at there is there's my erection came back because you're not obsessing about it. And that's mindfulness because in that moment, you are focused on your partner's pleasure. You're literally not thinking about anything else. And you've listened to my mindfulness practice of thinking about the environment, if you were doing mindful masturbation, you'd say, my hand is on my penis.

I'm hearing my playlist, or he's listening to my breath, and you anchor yourself in the senses, but when you're pleasuring someone else and you're really present, your mind is free and you're focused on the moment, really. Does that's what mindfulness is? I mean, maybe getting a practice around it,

if you can take a class or join others that makes mindfulness practice a lot more powerful, but it really is, it's like exercise. It's like working out. I have to do it at FAA. I really like that idea. Another nugget from one of your recent episodes. I want to do a day where all we do is focus on you, right? Right? And then part of it

too is I am a pleaser to my core and I think that comes all the way back to me not necessarily knowing what to do and so I've always been like I want to make sure that you have a good experience. So I think the idea of giving, having a time or giving her and focusing on her pleasure, but then also a time for me to just like, don't worry about a thing, just explore, like have my partner explore my body, and have that experience as well. Right, exactly. Flip it, you deserve it as well.

And people pleasing is oftentimes a response to an environment where we're using it as a mechanism to make peace, to not get in this way. And so you might want to look, where we were using it as a mechanism to make peace, to not get in his way. And so you might wanna look, I'm a people, these are in progress working on that, but I'm saying I get it, looking at all of those things,

like you can give to them, but making sure I love what you said, but then it comes back to you. And maybe you can get that, maybe in the moment when there's too much going on with sex, you take that off the table, you're like, we're gonna have a night with you, and then a night with me.

It's all sound like really great tools that you could really put into practice. Thank you. Thank you so much, honestly. Thank you. It's good just to talk about it out loud and that's a practice I'm trying to do. Let alone with somebody like yourself

who's already helped me. Oh, I'm so glad it's been helpful, really. And it's really nice to talk to you. And I'm so glad that this is working. And this is just another step along the journey. I'm so glad it's been helpful, really. And it's really nice to talk to you. And I'm so glad that this is working. And this is just another step along the journey. I'm glad you're taking it. You're really taking it seriously and calling in and let me know how it goes.

It sounds good. It sounds good. Great to meet you. Bye. People pleasing. Let's talk about that for a minute. And I'm going to tell you that I got this from, this is from the Holistics psychologist

if you follow her on Instagram. People pleasing is unconscious manipulation, she says. So it's a very common trauma response, especially in women. We have a need, we want to be met. We want to be liked, we want to feel needed, we want to appear easy, you know, we don't want conflict. We want to keep someone happy in our lives.

And so, since we're not advocating for ourselves and asking for our own needs, that leads to resentment. And if we're not being appreciated by someone else, we get resentful because we're not being appreciated or we feel like we're being taken for granted. It's not a trait that really actually serves us if you think about it. But if you know that you're a people-pleaser, you probably know that there's something us if you think about it. The view know that you're a people pleaser,

you probably know that there's something you want to do about it to fix it. The first step is getting clear on your needs, getting very specific on your needs, and then asking for what you want without apologizing, without making excuses, and being okay if someone gets mad. So it's all about being conflicted with boredom.

When you're avoiding conflicts in your people pleaser, can you see that loop there where you're never really advocating for yourself, but then you get upset that you're not getting your needs met? And then we start relying on other people to take care of us, but then this is where resentment comes in. And then we start to lose our own sense of what we actually need. We stop trusting ourselves and our own inner wisdom when we're constantly outsourcing our needs to others.

This is from Korean 32 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily, I met this guy through an online dating at the end of July. We hit off immediately. I take hits throw through chat and it never progressed to sexting. But we've been hanging out now for eight weeks and things are still moving slow. We've discussed some desires and interests like Shabari, which is rope tying, and stuff. And so I think we can have some great chemistry in the bedroom, however, after all this time, we've only hugged four times.

I did try to address this with him through text by explaining I'm sexually submissive and passive. I enjoy a partner who's dominant and assertive. And I texted him explaining that I'm consenting of whatever happens next, but we still haven't kissed. My friends tell me just to jump his bones, but the thought terrifies me, having a hard time wrapping my head around trying to be more sexually assertive. I've even considered breaking up with him, even though I really like him. But since we haven't kissed yet, I'm not sure there's even a romantic spark. Should I cast aside my preferences of a sexually assertive partner and just jump his bones or move on to someone who's more willing to give me what I want?

Alright, Karine, this is interesting. You've let them know what you want, and it's been eight weeks of hanging out, and nothing's happened. So I think rather than just leaving and getting frustrated, this is what you gotta do. Next time you're hanging out, say, I've just been fantasizing about kissing you. I've been fantasizing about what it feels like

about your hands on my body. To me, that's an excellent on-wrap. You are passing in the baton. You're saying, this is what I'm thinking. And at that point, let's see what happens. If he doesn't do anything and he just stares at you, you could say, have you thought about that? And just see what happens.

Listen, maybe he's terrified. Maybe he'll say, oh, wow, I didn't know that you really wanted it. You know, who knows what goes through people's heads, but that is giving him an entree in the moment, not just through texting. But maybe he's terrified too. Maybe he likes you so much that he's freaks out and he goes home at 90s there. I can't believe I didn't try to kiss or again.

Put it out there when you're together. Then you're taking the risk and you're giving him the opportunity to make the move. So, you have nothing else to lose here. It's been two months. Go for it, Korean. You got this. After the break, I talked to Sadie who's trying to get more comfortable with casual hookups. I'm so excited that Sadie is opening back up. We're hanging out with old friends and

system Joe personal lubricants are back on sex with Emily. About a year ago, Joe took a break so we could promote flavored loobs from their sister brand Mews. So while we're saying goodbye to Mews, we're not losing those amazing flavors. Don't you worry, system Joe's got them and more. Joe's collection has your favorite, so the Creme broulet, the mint chocolate, salted caramel,

plus they're flavors like tiramisu, double chocolate, and white chocolate raspberry truffle. Oh, just in case you're like, but Emily, loop takes like kerosene. Wrong. I don't know how they did it, but the magicians in Joe's lab made their gelato loops taste like the real thing. Seriously, they're delicious. There's no gross aftertaste at all.

And if you're wondering why would you want to use flavored loops, it takes oral to a whole new level for both the giver and receiver. Trust me, these loops feel as good as they taste. Believe me, you want Joe in your life and flavored loop on your nightstand. So please join me in welcoming System Joe back to the show by visiting sexwithfamily.com slash Joe. That's sexwithfamily.com slash J-O. We have Sadie, 32 in Boston. Hi Sadie, how can I help you?

An experience that I had recently in kind of a casual sex hookup situation with this guy that I met that I was just really attracted to. I've been trying to learn like what my kinks are and what I'm into and all of that is new language for me psych grew up in the evangelical church and for 10 years of my life had decided not to have sex and was looking for the one and had a very romantic concept of intimacy and relationships which I've had decided not to have sex and was looking for the one and had a very romantic concept of intimacy and relationships which I've done a lot of work on, looking at what that came from and where some fears were coming in. Anyway, so in recent years I've been more open to not just casual sex but just trying to understand who I am sexually and what I'm into and just trying to educate myself and my own desires. I have the fantasy, right, in my mind that really turns me on when I think about it of like being dominated and playing as a sub and like exploring that.

And then in the actual experience, I got totally triggered. I froze. It was so bad. And I struggled to know how to communicate in those moments when that's happening to me and how to establish safety and parameters in casual situations. I just instinctively feel like, I don't know how can I establish I have to tell you my door. First off, you're doing a lot of hard work on yourself. You grew up in a evangelical church You thought you were finding the one switching to now I'm going to meet people and just be dominant and have casual sex I think there's a little in between area where you gotta send yourself a little love and say, okay I'm gonna slow this down because it's really hard to even a situation like that word

This is just fantasies no emotions. It's gonna be casual That's really hard to do because you have like that word, this is just fantasies, no emotions, it's gonna be casual, that's really hard to do because you have to be able to let go and feel safe. If you've never met the person or you've only met him online or you had a quick connection, it's hard to get all those pieces together. So I think maybe there's a meeting up for a drink first or coffee or just another step,

but it doesn't mean that they're your forever person either. And maybe there's a little bit of you just experimenting meeting people, like having a dinner, having a lunch, or a FaceTime chat, or a Zoom chat, where you're talking these things through. Because it's kind of like the pendulum is, you're like, I'm going to over-correct it, which is a very common thing that we do. We're like, I don't want to do it the way the church said, so I'm going to do it this way. common thing that we do. We're like, I don't want to do it the way the church said, so I'm going to do it this way. Yeah, there's probably some

truths to that. In this situation, I did find myself going, okay, I probably need to explain to this person that I just got triggered or left something, but I just didn't. I didn't say anything. It's like I was almost embarrassed that I wasn't this person I was playing that I was. I wanted to be that like sex goddess, like empowered person. You just rolled in. It was like, yeah, that's a journey. Yeah. But what part of that woman, who is that woman who rolls in? Why is that a attractive deal? The strength and the confidence, as I imagine it, ironically, is a person who's very comfortable communicating boundaries, desires, all of that.

And whereas so often I feel really shut down or really afraid to say the thing or to say actually, no, that's painful or I didn't like that. Have you been in relationships in the last four years with a lot of like short term? So really like my longest relationship was like 11 months and it was in college. Okay, so your whole life you grew up in this church and then you decide I'm not gonna do it, but you have all these years of hearing this conditioning

or not even having the practice of getting to be, I'm feeling like it's wrong. It'd be so nice if we could just flip a switch and now we know how to be sexual, but I think that there's just a little bit of practice and patience. I think you there's just a little bit of practice and patience. I think you're going to get wherever you want to go, because first off, just saying no and being able to walk away from something that is such a big part of how you grew up in

your family and maybe your neighbors and your community is that's a real act of empowerment and strength right there. And then I think having the rest of your life catch up to that, it's just going to be a practice, but also have you had any therapy around this, around leaving the church and a little bit. Okay. I'd still say that there's more work. I think even this recent experience, okay, like I need to be seen. Yeah, exactly. So Colin, who's my producer on the show, he's messaging here and he actually grew up in the Mormon church.

It's saying, E-M-D-R did wonders for him. That's the therapy I talk about a lot on this show is E-M-D-R. Okay. It's eye movement, desensitization, reprise. It's helped me with the art that I had. And it helps you kind of rewire your brain around certain things that you where you get charged. So finding a therapist, I know it sounds hokey, but it works.

And it's a very proven therapy. And I think it's mdrea.org EMDRIA.org. Because in a sense, it's probably a little bit of traumatic to be like told one thing, believing one thing, then leaving and leaving your community and your family and it's just, it's just, on this is like solely in my hands and I'm working again still a lot of really deeply held and personally deeply held. I was never uncomfortable around sexuality. I had sex with my boyfriend when I was 17, 18, and we had an amazing relationship. And I didn't ever feel any kind of shame or guilt about that.

I wasn't at least consciously. I wasn't feeding myself up over that. And I remember many years talking to friends who were having mad anxiety about having sex with their boyfriend, so I was like, I'd much rather you be having sex with your boyfriend and being healthy than being this kind of anxious and depressed, thinking like, something wrong. So I've always sensed that there was something off. But I think allowed myself to really personally explore.

But I think, especially when I first started, it felt like there was like an abyss beneath my feet, kind of floating. It was like my old view and everything that I was told that life and the world and these are the things that work out and this is what you need to do. And to kind of, oh, that was a lie. That is so tough. And how are you with your own experience, like orgasm and touch and masturbation? Is that stuff that you've got? Yeah, that's all so good for me. Good, good, good. I used to have a lot of shame about masturbation, is that stuff that you've... Yeah, that's all so good for me.

Good, good, good. I used to have a lot of shame about masturbation. I think I actually didn't have a fantasy life at all because I just had not let myself go there. And so I think that is why I'm like, oh cool, let's see what I'm into. I think, yeah, maybe taking... I might still be, maybe it was the person,

maybe that person walked in and they did something that you were like, I was really excited for this, but the way they looked or they did something, sometimes that happens to me too. I'm all excited to see my partner. I'm like, oh, that was annoying. And then you get out of the mood, right? It wasn't just you, maybe yes.

You got weird about something, but there could be so many things that it could have gone wrong in that moment that you just changed your mind or it was fear. We just don't know. So I feel like you're working on this at the right, you're doing all the right things. So just keep a journal about it. And I think again, no matter what, even if it's casual having someone that you feel safe

with, that you can settle into the roles of this is what we're going to play with and this we're going to do, it is helpful. So maybe this person just wasn't it either. So my advice is to keep just doing your work and communicating and even calling in right now. This is so honest and open and just the practice of talking about it is helpful, I think, for one. I was nervous. You did great. Yeah. But I think yeah, this is really cool. I was like, oh, okay, yeah, we'll talk about it. Well, I'm here. I hope this is helpful I know this is gonna help a lot of people too. Thank you for calling in. I really

Of course keep going. Thank you. Bye You guys I'm a huge fan of therapy for all situations and especially ones like this where you upended your entire life and chose a different path and where you upended your entire life and chose a different path and realizing that we are lovable, realizing that we are enough and finding like-minded people and community to help us do the work along the way. Because believe me, if you believe in yourself and that this is what you want and you're on the path, no one can knock you off that. This is from Shania.

She's 19 in the UK. Kate after Emily, I found you on Instagram a couple months ago and I love your posts. I've been sexually active for three years, but I still get really shy and nervous about taking control in the bedroom. What tips do you have for me? First, let me normalize this. Everyone gets nervous about taking control in the bedroom. Especially if we never had to do it before, everything that's new to us, whether it's in the bedroom

or in the bedroom or in the classroom, it's going to make us nervous to take control of any situation. You've only been sexually active for three years. How would you even know how to take control? So I would say first, how do you feel sexually in the bedroom? Besides taking control, do you, are you able to be with somebody and ask for your needs to get met? Do you know what pleasure feels like in your body? How comfortable

are you advocating for yourself in the bedroom? And are you with partners that you feel safe with and that you trust? Because if it's like a one night stand or someone you just met, that might be uncomfortable as well. But I have to say, there's something to be said for that. If you're not in a relationship now, if you are just experimenting with different partners, honestly, just take control and see what happens

because it's the kind of thing like, I can tell you all day here how to do it. Okay, I'm gonna tell everyone how to take control in the bedroom. You go in there and you're like, what do I want to do in this moment? You're gonna be in your body, you're gonna think about what I want. What would feel good and you're like, what do I want to do in this moment? You're going to be in your body, you're going to think about what I want, what would feel

good and you're going to stop your negative thoughts or saying, don't do that, that's awkward. If I start to grab this person and pull them on top of me or climb on top of them, that's going to be weird. You don't even think about that. You just do what you want to do in the moment and see how that feels. And what helps with that is having a practice of meditation and figuring out how to stop those negative thoughts

or telling you not to do things. I mean, the only way you get confident is by actually feeling really uncomfortable is by taking risks and failing and feeling really awkward and weird and maybe feeling like you did something wrong in the bedroom and like all these things are what's gonna help you

and I could walk you through it, but just I would say either risk it with somebody that you don't know or you do know or whoever you're sleeping with and see how it feels to take control. But what does it look like for you? Because taking control also could just mean, you're like, hey dude, it's time for my orgasm.

I need you to please me right now. Or maybe you're thinking about taking control. You're the one who's directing the script in the bedroom. You're like, okay, now I'm going to get on top of you and ride you for an hour. We'll have my orgasm. It's about you following in the moment what you want, what you need, what's sexy and hot for you, but well, still making sure you're with a consenting partner, but really not worrying so much about what they think as long as they're down and turned on and you're not taking advantage of them. So, you're going to get confident, you're going to get comfortable with it by experience.

And honestly, being with partners that you feel good about, that you trust, and that make you feel like the best version of yourself. So you can have fun together and play together. And maybe one time you take initiative and the next time they take initiative and then you talk about it. Say, what about last night? What did you like about that? What felt good? How were you with me taking control? You were taking control? Yeah, that time I crawled on top of you and I put my legs in the position that felt good to me. That felt like control. Take risks, everyone. Take

calculating risks, meaning don't be reckless. Don't just go off and get wasted and go off sex with someone. You're going to learn a thing by taking risks in the bedroom and doing you before you do someone else. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week.

Find me an Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex. And you can check out our guides at sexwithmle.com slash guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities.

Sign up for weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmle.com. emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.