Sex With Emily - Connected & Sexy with Violet Benson

Episode Date: December 21, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by host of the Too Tired to Be Crazy podcast and @daddyissues_ on Instagram Violet Benson to talk about mindsets, what makes great sex, and so much more. They talk about what it’s like to recognize when you’re feeling depressed and when you’re ACTUALLY depressed, why great, connected sex is all about letting go and not worrying about what you look or sound like, and how to stop self-sabotaging and getting in your own way.  Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFollow Violet Benson on all social @daddyissues_ @violetbensonFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Anyone who's threatened or jealous is not going to be your guy and you wouldn't even entertain it But it is hard to even care like a lot of times women we talked about this like women don't so a lot of times like if If someone tells you I don't care if I make more money than you I'm just like I just want to support your like dreams and just support me back like they mean it like yeah Women need that emotional support. They're really emotional. I don't need it Yeah, I don't need it guys money and it's like they can't take it because of like being All men can take it. Some men can.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm joined by host of the two Tired to be Crazy Podcasts and the daddy issues account on Instagram, Violet Benson to talk about mindsets, what makes great sex and so much more. Topics include, what it's like to recognize when you're feeling depressed

and when you're actually depressed. Why great connected sax is all about letting go and not worrying about what you look like or sound like. Self-sabotage, how do we stop getting in our own way? And why putting yourself first isn't selfish but necessary. All this and more, thanks for listening. hard-broken, anything she kind of cues. The girls got to understand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common moment? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information. Check out sexwithemily.com. Subscribe to the podcast.

Like right now while you're listening, you can just poop, go, and subscribe that totally helps the show. We appreciate it. And find me in all social media. All of it. Sex with Emily everywhere. All right. Enjoy the show.

My girl, Violet Benson is here. Violet, if you don't know, she created daddy issues in Instagram account. On 2014, God, you've been killing it for a long time. She's also got her podcast, Too Tired To Be Crazy, which I've been on a few times, and we become fast friends, and I adore her. And Violet's here to check out,

to talk about our last things today. And you can also find you at what, Violet Benson, where do you want people to follow you? All 16 accounts? Yes, 21 actually, no. You can follow me also find you at what, Violabensand, where do you want to follow you? All 16 accounts? Yes, 21 actually. No, you can follow me. You can find me on Instagram on Violabensand, a daddy issues underscore, a two-tar, to be crazy,

which is my podcast. Which is awesome. I was cried listening to it at this point. It's not like you cried a lot listening to her podcast. Oh, yeah. Oh my gosh. I feel like so many episodes are so emotional, but so many episodes are fun too,

but yeah, you were listening to my depression episodes. So that was a hard episode to do in general. Yeah, but it was really honest and open and brave to talk about depression because I feel like so many people I've gone through depression, I feel like it's really common and you really spent time breaking it down and saying like this is how you know if you're depressed

or you're just sad and you just got into, you had some good quotes. I don't know if we just start with depression, maybe it's a downer. No, it's not downer, but I thought that was like really important, like, because I talked about when I battled with clinical depression two, three years ago, and then how there's moments, whether you battle with it

in general, so it just stays with you or whether you, not sure if you have the pressure or not, I told, I was kind of explaining how important it is to actually be aware of what you're going through because recently this year, I was going through a lot of different obstacles and I had moments of where I was getting really sad. And in that moment, I feel like sometimes

you use the word depression loosely. So you're like, oh, I'm so depressed. Like I didn't get my mocalate today, whatever. Like I'm feeling really down. That's a shock when you don't get a mocalate. Sure, but you're not depressed. Or like even when I was going through like real serious obstacles,

I was like, oh, I'm so depressed. And then in my head, so then I feel like that made me scared. Cause it's like, am I actually depressed? So then that's when I suddenly really thought about it. And I think that's when maybe we realized I need to do this podcast that episode. Because it was important to kind of tell the difference.

Cause so in my head I sat there and I said, okay, wait, am I depressed? Do I have moments throughout the day where even a tiny one moment where I feel happiness or I'm smiling? Okay, yeah, I had a moment where I left. Do I have moments where did I get out of bed today? Yes, I did get out of bed today. Okay. And like just being aware that like I got a bed today and I had a moment that I laughed, like knowing that you had a moment of some happiness, that told me right away, oh, so whatever I'm experiencing, it can get better. Because if I had that one moment of laughter tomorrow, maybe I'll have two moments of laughter.

And that tells me I'm not stuck in depression. There's hope. And once you kind of like process those things in your brain, it kind of helps you realize, oh, I'm feeling depressed. I'm not depressed. Because depression is physically so painful, it's crippling. And the real depression, clinical depression, you can't get out of bed. And like, even you can't get out of bed. You feel the negative thoughts don't stop. Exactly. And train. Walking to the kitchen, even walking to the kitchen to grab food seems like so hard and whatever. So if you have these, so that's why once you're able to kind of train walking to the kitchen, even walking to the kitchen to grab food seems like so

hard and whatever. So if you have these, so that's why once you're able to kind of distinguish the few little differences and you have a little hope, then you realize I can get out of it. Oh, I'm feeling depressed, meaning this isn't permanent. Okay. And none of it's permanent either. I mean, when you're really deep in depression, it feels like it's permanent and you're like, I'll never get out of this. And that's when people do are drastic and they do things that are not great. So that's why I think also the thing that you said

and that was so helpful, and which I could totally relate to when I felt depressed or feeling depression, not clinically, but I have been clinically depressed. But when it's usually when I reach out to somebody, or I call a friend, or I call my family's not great with it, but you talked about a conversation with your mom and you're like, I hadn't told anybody because you had so much shame around

feeling sad. You're like, it's just a weakness is what you thought. And I think a lot of us think, well, if I'm sad or depressed, then I'm weak. And you said something about your sister saying, like, how come you always have something going on? And I could totally relate because my older brother is the same way. He was like, you can't be sad. It's a choice.

It's a choice. And it's like, it's not a choice. You know what I'm saying?, you can't be sad. It's a choice. It's a choice. It's not a choice. You know what I'm saying? I didn't feel understood. But then you said, and talking to your mom, and you talked for an hour, and you guys cried together. I was like, that's so... I don't want to make you cry. I know, but I thought it was really important to say that even you have all that you're like, and you said to yourself, you were reading back your journal for a few years ago. You're like, here I have everything. I'm successful and I have everything I want, but I'm still depressed, which almost makes you feel worse.

Oh yeah. So. Oh my God, I'm getting sad thinking about, oh my God, I'm such an emotional person. I think I'm just getting sad thinking about those moments because I don't feel any of that at all now. I'm like, I had such a better place in general, in my brain in general, but like, just think of

that moment, like, Roman Wayne, that moment where I finally, I read my mother a poem that I wrote in order to hint to her how I was feeling and like the support that I got and what I talked about on that episode is that it was this weird feeling of the minute I talked about. Right. What I was experiencing, it set me free I talked about, what I was experiencing. It set me free in a weird way because it was no longer my dirty little secret, that emotions I was experiencing, and now I was free. Like I set it out in the world, and that was already a relief.

And I think that's what it's so important to talk to. The people that you love because if there is someone in your life that doesn't understand that they should have been your life., but I think you'll be surprised sometimes by how much people would be there for you. If you had the courage to reach out. Right, exactly. That's what it is. It's about the courage and it's about getting help

and not feeling ashamed about it and knowing that people. I just give a relate to that feeling like I've got everything going on, but why do I feel so depressed? And you don't like yourself. You don't like who you are. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing when you go through that moment where you're feeling down, you can't fit,

and you can't pinpoint it, because it's much easier, it's much easier to be sad and connected to something, like, oh, this boy's breaking my heart, that's why I'm sad or, or I lost my job, that's why I'm sad. It's much easier to connect your pain, because then you can go from there and heal it, versus just be sad for no reason. That's much easier to connect your pain because then you can go from there and heal it versus

Just be sad for no reason. That's harder because you're like, okay, where do I work from like how do I fix this if I don't know what's wrong? Right, and nothing should be wrong So then you feel worse because nothing should be wrong So then you get therapy and that was really helpful for you, right therapy writing about it talking about it being Conscious of who I surround myself with talking about it, being conscious of who I surround myself with, or just doing things like knowing that this isn't forever is what really helped me like to kind of train my brain. And like, even like the environment that you're around,

like for example, this year has been really hard for me. I didn't sink in in the depression that I was three years ago, but I definitely have moments I was depressed because I had a lot of obstacles, but I've noticed like little things helped me. Like, I feel like this year I've learned that it's okay to not always be independent, and I've learned that it's okay to ask friends for help, and I've learned that like, holy shit, I would not have survived this year without my friends, and I feel so thankful for

my friends, and I feel like it was really cool for me to learn that I don't always have to do everything on my own. Yeah, exactly. It's okay. That's why we're so so for help my friends. And I feel like it was really cool for me to learn that I don't always have to do everything on my own. Yeah, exactly. It's okay. That's why we're so super helpful. Exactly, it is. And I think that we think that it's a weakness, especially. I think women like us, I think we're similar,

like very independent. We've done it all on our own. We've created all this stuff that I would never want to be a burden on somebody or ask them for help. And then I realized that the friends who are my closest friends, they rethought to me, I would do anything for them. So why wouldn't they for me? Or even if you don't who are my closest friends, they rethought to me, I would do anything for them. So why wouldn't they for me, or even if you don't have these kind of friends,

that's how you build friendships. Is when you're there, you show up for them, they show up for you, and then you're like, oh yeah, we're in this. So yeah, I feel like I've always focused so much on always being strong for everyone else and for myself. And this year I learned that sometimes it's okay to not be strong for myself.

And sometimes it's okay to allow someone else to be strong for me. And I feel like I wouldn't have been able to survive this year without these people who surprised me with how much they were there for me. Even moments where a friend of mine could feel like I'm experiencing something and she knows me so well that I won't talk about things that she would just hang around me and just hanging around me without even talking about my feelings she would just hang around me. And just hanging around me, without even talking about. My feelings would help me and cheer me up. And I switched rooms in my house.

The room I was staying at for the longest time when I just moved to my new house was super dark. Every furniture was black. And I kind of like, misery loves companies. So it's like almost like I wanted to wake up miserable and I went to sleep miserable because it's a really dark room and my mom And someone else recommended to move downstairs where the room looks out of you and just just like that like little difference To get to wake up with like blue skies and seeing this beautiful view and feeling so lucky and fortunate that I get to

Even this is my life like how can I wake up being upset when like, I'm so fortunate to be looking at this beautiful nature, beautiful view. It was just nature. No, that is so true. It also being grateful. So that was the other thing is that I was listening to when you were at the end,

you're like, just stop for a moment. And it was funny because I was actually finishing it as I was pulling up to work. And I was listening to it. And it's like, I've got all, you know, things are always busy. I've got, I've got obstacles. I love what you're saying, because you could say problems,

but it's like, it's obstacles. There's a lot of things that come up, but it's all good stuff. If I look at it, it's like, growth in my business and trying to manage everything. Like, that's good shit. And I sat there in my car, and I was listening to you saying, like,

being grateful, and I literally sat out in my car before I, and I was like, okay. And I had this moment where I turned off, and I was like, I am so grateful. I get to go in, I get to see my amazing staff, this company that they ever will work so hard doing what I freaking love. And I've been all caught up in this storm of like, oh, there's so much going on. And I just live in a moment where my heart opened. I was about to cry in my car like, I'm like, but they're reading from inside.

I feel so grateful. So all that stuff about like, say what you're grateful for, what you're thankful for every night or have a gratitude journal, like all that shit works. You take a moment and you sink into it, like even if you're like, but Emily, I have nothing to be grateful for. Violet, you're so lucky, you've everything.

No, like, just even if you're like, I'm grateful that I made my bed this morning, or I'm grateful that I like my hair, or whatever the fuck it is, it could be little things. Bill, no, it is really cool. Like it's like I said before, even if you don't believe in God or you do or if you're always, if you do,

if you do believe in I do, but like just have moments where if you're praying to God or you're praying to whomever you want to pray or you're just asking for something, instead of just catch yourself, instead of constantly asking for something, just have a moment where you just sit down and you're just asking for something. Instead of just catch yourself, and instead of constantly asking for something, just have a moment where you just sit down and you're just like, hey, I'm grateful for this

and this and this or write it down. I did it the other day. And it's so. It really work. It's so heartwarming. And it's not like, oh, I'm grateful for losing two pounds. I'm talking about like, I'm grateful that I got out of bed today.

Cause three years ago it was really hard for me to get out. Or like, I'm grateful that I got out of bed today because three years ago was really hard for me to go out of bed or like I'm grateful that I as an immigrant I live in America now and like I have all these opportunities So I'm grateful that I woke up today. I'm grateful that my I have people that love me like I'm so grateful for that part like I feel like I've really learned how to be grateful for that part this year It's true the people in your life I mean at the end of the day That's what I always think about is like the people around me, my friend, my family, my staff. It's like my team where, you know, and when you take a moment

you're like, wow, this is there's love. There's love. There's love. There's love. That care that'll be there. And I'm also grateful for people who didn't love me because that's how I learned what real love was. And there's like an actual quote that says, it's always a people who didn't love you that tell you the most about love. And it's so true. So like, I'm also grateful for all the people that didn't love me and the people that hurt me because that did make me so much stronger. That did take them away out of my life.

That did show me who I don't wanna become. What I don't deserve. Like, I don't deserve to feel like this or like that. So like, I think it's important once you change your perspective, it's helpful. And obviously, some days you can't be so like, it's not like every day I'm walking around, like you know, it feels like I'm walking on water

because I'm so like in my brain, spiritual and all that. No, of course I have shitty days. And especially right now, this December is hard. Yeah, it is hard. I've been feeling down this week too. I'm like, oh my God, there's so much and the holidays and all that stuff, it's really hard. No, it's not just that, it is hard. I've been feeling down this week too. I'm like, oh my God, there's so much and the holidays and all that stuff.

It's really hard. No, it's not just that. It gets dark, really early. Oh, really early too. Yesterday is like four o'clock dark. It's depressing. So it's like really, really, really long nights. And I think it makes people feel more depressed faster.

Yeah, because at 4 p.m., I already don't want to work anymore. Right. And I'm sleepy and I'm tired and it's 4 p.m. And then, yeah, depression can start to kick in like Exity depression is knocking on your door to hang out. Yeah, you're like hey, don't come in And I'm waiting for postmates. Yeah, it's so true I was thinking though and then we're gonna get on to what we've learned from relationships too because I think that's a good one and boys and sex

Yeah, but um is it I was remembering a moment where you and won't wear your shirt out, you prayed to God and whoever you're being is. And you were like, for the first time you said thank you in that when you went to a gratitude, and I was like, God, I remembered this time, like year 10, probably, because I was 10, 12 years ago and I was starting this and it was really hard. I was in San Francisco and I was struggling and I was broken, like nothing was working out.

I was like the recession in 2009, and I just remember being like sitting on my bed and crying and for like just remember looking at like looking up at like whoever and just being like, please help me like help me get through this. And I just remember this moment because it was so those moments that you're just like on your knees and you're just like,

I just want to do good in the world. And I want to just help people and do this thing like just help me thank you. And I remember just I'll never forget that because it was a moment where I truly felt connected and grateful and like I was going to be okay because it was just a real moment when you break that like so does the when you break down or when you're hurt or someone hurts you is when you actually are changing and learning the most. So if you're walking along going everything's fine, everything's good all the time.

That doesn't really serve you. You appreciate the ups and downs. So you can appreciate the ups without the downs. Exactly. So thank you for the downs. Thank you, Violet. That was a really deep intro. Oh my God.

How's the lot? That's a lot. I think that's gonna help a lot of people though. So talk to someone, reach out, and gratitude. All that stuff works. Okay, Violet. Hi, babe. Okay, so what else is going on? Tell me about

Love dating men what you've learned anything you've learned what's going on. Oh my god So I remember the last episode when you came on my podcast to start to be crazy Crazy when you went my podcast and we kind of talked about some stuff and I feel like I Always try to see the best and people always also kind of say the good things about people in general, even if it's not fully good because I think it's important. And it's not that I'm fake, but I'm not gonna trash someone on anywhere, you know?

But I thought it was interesting how when we were talking about sex and stuff, I felt like I was talking about some guy and I was like, I have a hard time. I don't feel like I was comfortable coming yet. Right, right. And it felt like when I was talking about it, it felt like now looking back,

it felt like it needed so much work with this person, even sexually. And instead of like being like, oh, maybe we're just not connecting. I felt like I just needed to figure out. It was my fault that I needed to figure out how to like, oh, I'm doing something wrong or we just need to figure it out. We just need to work on it versus like, maybe it needed to figure out how to like oh I'm doing something wrong or we just need to figure it out We just need to work on it versus like maybe it's just not right, you know what I'm saying?

He's just not your guy. There was like so many reflags and I only see it now because then I love that the next person I slept with it just felt fucking right right and I was like oh Yeah, I love this I feel like every time I'm on your show, there are these little moments of therapy or breakthroughs. I think that's awesome because it's so true. If you're having this much problem at the beginning of a relationship, so what you're saying is even if it's like three months

in or six months in or whatever it was a month, if it's that hard and you're struggling with like sex and or they're not texting you or they're being flaky or it's going back and forth, pretty much people show you who they are believe them. My mom says the issues you have in the first date you'll have forever. So it's such a great example that you just said that it was really hard with this person and then you met someone you're having amazing sex and there's no problems in that department.

Yeah, it was just crazy because I'm always so drawn to emotions and this guy like we liked each other since last year and then he has like so many emotions But I think eventually I was drowning in his emotions. That's that was a problem But I just assume because I'm an emotional lover. I just assume that that means our sex would be mind-blowing because we're both emotional We would just be like feeling each other and I never mentioned this in my fucking podcast But I'll just be open right now. Do a girl. There was, like, I think when you're having sex, that's when all your concerns and thoughts

go out the window. Like, you were two animals just fucking. You can make life, you can fuck whatever, but like, you're just enjoying each other's bodies in the moment. I can't stand people to overthink everything. And the one thing that I mentioned on my podcast, because I was like trying to pretend like,

well, I was trying to pretend like everything's fine and that's normal. It wasn't normal. Like having sex with this guy, he was only be like, you mone too loud. Do you always mone like this? I don't know how to explain this because I would have fucking told you guys.

I would have told you to call him and dump him in that moment. Yeah, it's so hurtful. I never got that before, by the way. No one has ever told me that I'm a loud motor, like usually, and because he was so insecure, he felt like if I'm alone too loud,

like I'm faking in, it's not real. It's always never about you with their say. Exactly, or like, oh, you need some weird comment about the way I kiss, you're just like, oh, it's probably your veneer is a kind of forward. So maybe that's why you bite so all the time or like, it was weird. That was really weird to me out.

Because I'm really weird about my teeth. There's like a full on episode of my podcast about my teeth. Right, because you were born without... Yeah, with some special stuff that have to do with my teeth. So I get sensitive about that. Of course you do. That was such a poke. That was so hurtful.

Okay, this is great. You would bring me up. You would bring me up just to bring me down. Exactly. And it's not even. Okay, this is what it brings me up to. You would bring me up to just to bring me down. Exactly. And it's not even conscious just so you know maybe it is with this guy, but if anyone is here and it's in your wisdom right now, they're making you feel fat, ugly,

and the way you're having sex is weird or wrong. I think you leave that situation or you address that person because they are bully. They might not see that it's toxic, but it's gonna stay with you. And that is just, I promise you, you can be people who will not feel that way. It's about that.

But the thing is, is that, let me just say this right now, that doesn't make them about person. It just means that it's there, because I've learned about this, is their attachment styles, and a lot of times people self-sabotage, like, overly do it, and I think that's what was happening. So we just, we didn't get too close.

Yeah, no one does any We write for each other. He's not a bad person. No, he was just bad for me and comment. Like it's only I was self conscious being naked in front of him. I don't want to do that. Like what the hell? And then with the other guy who's been my friend for years, when we both didn't expect to like feel anything

when we slept together, we both were like, oh my god, this just feels right. And it just felt so fucking right. I mean, I literally forgot about that other guy so fast. Yeah, well, that's the thing. It's like, that's what we're talking about. You have to go through the lows to get to the highs, but don't stay in the lows with someone who makes you

full low. And I'm so with you that, I think one of my strengths, but sometimes it can be, I don't know, maybe I guess there's always a shadow side to what your strengths are, but I do think that I actually do see, I'm not Polly Anna-ish, but I do see the good in everybody. Like, I actually think that even people have been the worst to me, I can see why they do it. I know their history, their childhood, their background, their insecurities, even if I don't know

even their background, I can see why someone, so usually people push your buttons because of their own stuff that they can't even see yet. So I'm not even saying, telling you, if I just told you to end it with someone who's there, you should protect yourself. I think sometimes we don't want to stand up for ourselves. Or we also take their side, like someone criticizes, sometimes you, your, your, depends who you're hanging out with. It could be a friend or a lover, but they'll say something bad about you. And then sometimes it depending on where you're at with your own mental state, you might agree with them. Even if it's conscious or not, you're like, oh my god, he's right. My teeth do stick out far or whatever. Or when

we're strong, we're like, fuck you. But since we don't realize we're doing it, that we end up believing what they're saying about us. So take your power back. Yeah. So like, I feel like the next time I was sleeping with them suddenly, I'm like more self-conscious of like my moaning and things like that. And it's like, I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that.

I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that.

I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that.

I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I. It is fun. And I've gotten louder as I'm older because I'm so like, I think I just like, my orgasms are stronger and I'm just like, I don't bring in care. And if someone's gonna tell me they can't, like put on earplugs. Don't be like, do you feel like sex is different with people that you care about or like you do?

I think if you actually have trust with someone and you care about them, it doesn't matter about love, maybe love them, but you just, you know them and you have a history together. I think that for me and for many, you feel safer. And then you feel like you can be yourself because you feel accepted whole like 360 like everywhere accepted.

And then you can like go because the act of really connected great sex is an act of letting go. But if you're worried about like sucking your stomach in or not making noise or whatever else this guy said, you're not, it's not gonna be as great sex. Do you feel like sex is different when you're sober versus when you're drunk?

Yes. Do you feel like when two people have sex for the first time, they should be sober for it to really feel it. Or like, I think most people are not sober when they have sex for the first time, we were like kids for the first time. Do I think not most? Okay, many people. No, you're right, most of the time.

That's what I do. Many like, it's a social lubricant. I'm a few, I'm a buzzed. The first time I kiss someone or sex with them, ideally, I think sober sex is great, like morning sex, unless you've been partying all night. You know, I think that depends what kind of like drugging or marijuana or, yeah, do whatever you need.

Yeah, I think, I think it's different for everybody. I think if you're just like a little buzz, sometimes it's like can help you like, let go of your inhibitions everybody. I think if you're just like a little buzz, sometimes it's like can help you like go of your inhibitions, but I think if you're black, I've never been a fan of blackout drunk sex. Right, no, yeah. Blackout sex to me is like, I'm more like, remember that it happened maybe,

but I feel like, I mean, I think it's people get to decide for themselves. But if you realize that you have to be wasted every time you have sex and that's something I would look at. I feel like I've never really had the first, I've never, I feel like the first time with a guy, I don't think I've ever been sober. Yeah, except the last time the last guy slept with, we're both super sober for it.

And I was like, in my head afterwards I was like, do we feel it all because we're sober or like, what we feel it all because we're sober or like, maybe we just happen. Well, you're both sober, wow. And even when you enter me, because we're very similar people, or both like, oh my God, we're having sex. This is so crazy. So how do you guys ever,

like, being a friend is just weird, because you're like in that moment, you're about to cross the line and you can't go back. Well, it's kind of hot too because you have this forbidden, you just like, oh my God, we're not gonna do this, we're just gonna be friends and then you're doing it. It's kind of like when you have an affair, like someone cheats, but this way it's like,

you're not even cheating, you're just breaking a boundary. Yeah. So that's the only thing that's beautiful. You have two and a full. See, that's a good, that I totally wore. It's so weird. So we're sex to be better. I feel like I could have reached a point.

You should, I love your poetry I only heard your depression poem, but which was good, but we won't go back to that tell me about what made like I want you to explain to me because you've had sex with others What was it about this moment? It just felt connected you don't have to I'm chanted by it so What's connected versus? Unconnected sex feel like? I feel like first of all,

I have feel like it's so funny when a girl talks about things versus when a guy tries to sound like a douche and like I feel like if he talked about it up out loud or talked about any sex stuff, I know you probably sound super douchey versus me. I'm gonna be like, I don't have the language. No, they do, they do in real life.

They just pretend like they don't to protect the character or whatever. But fuck, I'll just be honest. I don don't, to protect the character or whatever. But fuck, I'll just be honest, I don't care how he acts in public or whatever. Yeah, like the first time he had sex, which was pretty recently, the reason I felt different was A, maybe because I knew him and like, you're comfortable. Yeah, it was just like, oh my god. Okay, here, this is what it is.

I'm really emotional and he's not but we're both very intense people So we're both very passionate intense. So then I brought my emotion intensity in and then he brought his like other type of like Intensity in so we made up for the other thing that the other person. I can't explain it right and then it was just like So much fucking passion and so intense, but it wasn't passion like where we were like fucking the shit out of each other was like literally like low Like love me. It was on We are like we were like making love sober and it was so crazy and I was just like Taken back because I wasn't expecting to feel everything I felt

and I could feel his emotions, and he's not an emotional person. So it's kind of cool to like, emotional, they just block it. Yeah, he's not an emotional person the way I am. That's what I'm saying. Right. I'm more intuitive than him.

I feel more, I feel other people. He's not that type of person. When he does something wrong, you need to explain to him what's wrong. He doesn't feel your emotions. But we felt each other's emotions, we were so connected, and it does something wrong, you need to explain to him what's wrong. Like, he doesn't feel your emotions. But like, we felt each other's emotions. We were so connected and it just felt right. And then like, our energy is just,

it was crazy. Like, and then the second time we slept together, because we only slept twice, because literally in the second time was a few days ago, the second time we slept together, like, I thought, I think we both were kind of wondering if it's gonna be the same. We still were again.

Yeah, okay. No, actually this time I took like, I drank like half a glass of rose. Okay. Just to like loosen up and I wanted to see, I think, because he, I was like, do you feel something? And he was like, yeah, it just felt right. It was so weird. And I was like, I know. So the second time we slept together, I wanted to see who'd be there too.

And it's like, yeah, it's there. Just like this intensity. Like I could fuck this guy for a whole day and I could board. Like I could board people easily. And like I could never get bored with him. Oh my God, this could be a three-man. This is amazing. What did you have pleasure?

Do you have orgasms? Was there? Honestly, I didn't even come. But it's like I can't explain the, come. But it's like, I can't explain the, because I'm addicted to like emotional intensity and like, what it was just like, and I think he was getting nervous about wanting to come too fast.

Right. Like, I have to especially this time. Okay, I'm just gonna say, I'm gonna embarrass him. I feel so bad. But he's never gonna know I'm talking about him. Okay. Okay, the first time we slept together,

like he felt insensitive too, and I think he like wanted to come really fast, which is fine, I don't mind, but I think it's because we had such a good connection. And he's probably been in love with you the whole time, even friends. I'm just, I'm just saying for a guy, he probably is like, I can't believe this is happening.

Oh, he said that, yeah. Yeah, so it's like, we're having sex. I was like, everything you're feeling me too, I feel it too. Because we're very similar, we're were childish a little bit like in our love language What did you love language again? I don't know, but I know I'm childish. Okay. That's not one of them

Words okay. No, I need I need words of our formation. I don't know high show what up right anyway So like he he has this thing that if he and he kind of mentioned one time on one of his Walk guys, okay, he has a thing where If you really like someone he'll Once it to kind of be perfect. So I understand why like he wanted to be perfect So then he like didn't want to come too fast So then he would stop and he would like start like walk you're on my room And just like looking me be like oh my god, I can't believe this happened.

Oh my god, I'm gonna stop. He was nervous too. Yeah, and I was like, get back here, it's fine, relax. And then we go back to having sex. And he was just like, sorry, it's just like, it's like 10 years of sexual tension or sexual tension and it's like we're actually doing and I was like, relax.

I know, I feel the same way. Oh, that's nice. It was awesome. Like I loved it. It was just like, relax. I know. I feel the same way. Oh, that's nice. It was awesome. Like, I loved it. It was just like, you felt safe. You felt comfortable. Yeah, and the cool thing about it is that like, after we slept together, I didn't feel this need to,

like, I felt, yeah, and literally something about it, like, I felt safe because like, I felt, yeah, literally something about it, like, I felt safe, because like, I know him so well that I didn't feel the need to get crazy the next day, or to start to get jealous about something, because I just know, like, how we felt about each other, and I just felt like, safe where I was just calm, and it's really hard for me to understand at this point in my life. I feel like healthy boundaries for people are like healthy type of friendships relationships with people that like I was almost I was almost weirded out by how healthy

we are with each other. Right. To the point that he today I self sabotaged it because yeah, what you do. Well last night I got really high. Mm-hmm. All right, we talked in the phone for a second. She kind of reversed. Yeah, I tried an edible for the first time in my life.

First time, okay. And I swear I lost seven hours of my life. I was just sitting, staring at the wall. And a lot of it, I think I was just sitting also thinking about him. Like my thoughts had thoughts. Yeah. Like, edible's are crazy.

I literally, it was like, what is that movie with Learn Hour, DiCaprio? It was inception, but with my thoughts, while it was awake. And half of the time, I was like, am I sleeping? And now when awake. Okay. Half of the time I was like, am I sleeping? Wow. And then when I was sleeping closing my eyes I was like, was I awake this whole time? I was like, so fucking mad.

And then like, I think I watched some video of the guy that I, I've been friends with. And the video didn't, he made some joke like some egotistical joke, and because I know him so well, I knew that he was lying, he was either making up the story, it was like, today what didn't actually fucking happen. So I knew it was like for his character, he was making up a story, or like he completely exaggerated it. So I actually did not even give a shit. But another part of him was like, why don't I care?

I should care. Isn't this the point in my quon-quon, when I'm talking to someone when I was like, why don't I care? I should care. Isn't this the point in my quonco when I'm talking to someone when I would like self-sabotage or freak out? And then, and you didn't. I didn't because I didn't care and it bothered me that I didn't care. So when I woke up, because I'm so comfortable with where we're with us.

And it feels really weird to me because that's a new ground for me to walk on. I forgot the last time where I felt so safe. What's that? Yeah, I love this. Every time I see you, like every few months, you're moving through stuff. You're just so fucking respectful of me. I hate it. So, wait, so what about sabotage? How do you sabotage? So I woke up today and I freaked out in my brain about the fact that I sat for so many hours thinking about him and confused about things, the fact that I felt so comfortable about things that I was like, what the fuck?

This is not, I'm like, okay, no. I'm like, is this in my head? Do I like him? Wait, does he think I like him? Does he know I like him? Does he like me? What is happening? This is too calm.

Like this is not okay. You know what? Fuck it. I should send this one text. No, V, don't send this text. You're like, you don't even care. And I was like, nah. And I made a big deal about that video that I saw.

I didn't even give a shit about it. But I was kinda like, You were high this morning. This morning, cuz I freaked out that I sat for so many hours thinking, right? So what happened? It scared me. So I felt like I-

It was the weed though. In the morning though. Okay, in the morning you were still thinking about it. It freaked me out that I sat for, yeah, it was the weed. But I didn't know how to react and I almost felt like I needed to start a fight on purpose to kind of back you to sabotage. Okay. I needed to start a fight to take space, to find, I needed to find a reason for this to

not feel too okay. Because you're not used to it because you're so used to feeling drama with people. So it's unfuliant with the wrong people. Yes, it felt too healthy to me and I was like, maybe he wants me to react like this. Maybe he's going to get bored with me if I don't react like this. And it was all these thoughts and I was like, maybe am I boring or maybe he's bored. Maybe he doesn't even like me. Maybe I've been told you about this too much.

And I was like, fuck you. And I sent him this like text about like, wait, you said this and this on this and that. Like, wow, real classy move. And the funny part, I didn't fucking give a fuck. So what did he say? It's what's annoying to me is that he's been my friends for so many years that I know what he's gonna say

before he says it. And I know him so well that I know, he didn't mean it that way. And it pisses me off that I know him so well that I know. Okay, he didn't mean it that way. And if fucking pisses me off that I know I'm so well that I can't even imagine. Okay, so this is even about him. So what did he respond about? He did respond right away, obviously.

I just, I'm a fragile little person. You are, I just wanna hug you. I just wanna look at what he said back. You didn't? I just wanted to start, I just want to start something. So I can back off and have a look. And that feels because you have emotions, but what's happening is you're really feeling something for this person and I don't even know if it's about him.

Is he going to be your future guy who knows, but the fact that you've done so much work on yourself, which I think is amazing, you're like, whoa, I actually feel something. Feelings are scary if they're not crazy feelings like, oh, back and forth in drama. So, but this is so purposeful, then you created drama and now it's just confusing. So maybe that's what you share with him and be like, I'm feeling something. I know, look at your face, but really, that's, because that's what it is.

I don't even know what it is when I'm feeling whatever. But I feel like it's like almost purposely synatex to like start a fight. But did you start a fight? I turned them off. But how have you sabotaged? So you were saying that you do, you tend to sabotage. That is me sabotaging.

Like that's me starting a fight with someone so I can like take space. Is that have you sabotaged? So you were saying that you tend to sabotage. That is me sabotaging. Like that's me starting a fight with someone so I can like take space. Is that familiar like from childhood? Like your parents fight? My parents never fought in front of us enough. Okay. But I don't know.

I feel like it's a protective, it's protecting yourself. Just in case like what if I didn't get mad now, but like what if in the future something like this would hurt me? And then I were like what if I actually like this person And he doesn't like me back like am I delusion about everything I've been feeling. I don't know I have things to know yet. It's so new. So just in case he rejects me. I get I got to reject him first Wow

Yeah, silly. It's just it's just it's a coping mechanism to not have to let anyone get close to you I'm feeling vulnerable so I think now that you know that the truth is it's a coping mechanism to not have to let anyone get close to you. I'm still being vulnerable. So I think now that you know that the truth is you're like, what we all a lot of us live in the future, or we live in the past, and we're tripping about something that could could happen. And honestly, 99.9% of what we were about doesn't happen. Or we're thinking about the past. But what I would say to you, Violet, is to be present with it right now.

How it is in this moment when you're with him, and that's what you go on, and then you leave him, and then you go to your thing. You just hang out with your friends, you do your work, and then you go back, I think those are the healthiest when you're not tripping on it all, but that's gonna have to be a practice for you. And you were trying to give me advice,

just her on the phone, and I was too high for it. I remember I was just like, dazing off. I don't know what it was either, but I wasn't high. Wait, what are we talking about? Yeah, it was so cute, daising off. I don't know what it was either, but I wasn't even high. Wait, what are we talking about? Yeah, it was so cute. You were adorable. Because we were just talking about stuff that was happening in our lives, but I don't know.

Yeah. So that's the weed though, I can't do edibles. No, I feel like they're not for me. No, so there you go. So actually, and it could still be lingering if you never spoke pot and then you didn't edible. It's kind of what you're feeling right now. So I am mad at of that I could just say

it quiet and I could have just kept going to see where it is. And I was like, oh, did you just edit this morning? I mean, I could have been worse. Like my next, my next thought process on the text to him would have been, I don't think we should be sleeping together anymore. But then I was like, V, stop. What are you doing? And thank God I didn't send that part.

Yeah. And I was just like the first part. So can we just have my phone? OK. Text me or something. Like don't I think what happened is that yesterday he said something in a text that kind of freaked me out. Oh, so then you,

OK, which was him being incredibly respectful of me. And that made me realize that he likes me and I think I like him to and I guess I think you like you would talk him and for 20 minutes So I think you really like him and so you got to be comfortable with the liking him. I'm gonna Okay, look that sabotage to But maybe you want it me, but do you want to commit right now? Like that's what you should talk about are we seeing each other are we not like? No, I don't want to I right now? Like that's what you should talk about. Are we seeing each other? Are we not like, or are we doing what?

No, I don't want to, I just, I like things where there are with us. So then you know, you keep them where they are, is that you appreciate the moment you're together, and then when you're not together, you go about your life and you keep being the badass to you that you are. Yeah.

So when we spend time obsessing and checking their Instagram, that's what happened. I overly obsessed and the freaked me out. Like honestly, I respect them a lot too, women and friends for years. I don't want to be rude to him. Like that is the way it is. She probably knows you too.

So he knows that you've sent that because that's what you do. Does he know you? That's so true. He preens knows me pretty well. Yeah, there you go. So you're good. All right, we're going to take a quick break and we come back even more with my guest, Violet Benson.

I have a question for you. You talked about your teeth, not to rank up your teeth, but you know what's coming up a lot lately is that teeth and blow jobs. I don't know why. Did you learn that? Did you learn when you give a blow job to not bite? You're to not to not. I feel like, did I do something?

Are you telling me that? No, it's literally in my notes, because we were taught, people kept calling in and saying that, but you just have to have your teeth. It's a bad no moment. No, why? Did you just be able to hear? No, I'm just like,

I'm just like, I'm just writing and doing it. legitimately, it comes up every day on our show, and I thought that we just all learn. Like, my ex would be like, oh, teeth, teeth, whatever, I can put, like not every, so what I'm saying is, yeah, sometimes by mistake, I get over jealous and I might use my teeth. would be like, oh, teeth teeth whatever I can but like not every so what I'm saying is yeah Sometimes I'm steak I get over zealous and I might use my teeth My mouth is really narrow that I feel like when I when I had like when I hooked up with like my ex boyfriend

When I was younger and I tried to deep throw maybe I didn't open my mouth wide enough So they've mentioned stuff about like Um, yeah, I've been to oh by the way, I just looked at the text and you were just like laughing at my text Which wasn't meant to be funny, but that's so like him trying to like she was calm What I'm so oh Yeah, that's oh and that's oh fuck I know I'm so well. I know that's him trying to diffuse it's okay It's fine dude. This is fine Out and hang out are you saying out like to do stuff? No.

I don't know. Get out of here. Okay. I don't want to talk about it. Okay. What do you want to talk about? What else? What's your next podcast about? Oh my god. I just didn't wait. Don't you have any other of those other sex things? Yeah. I do. Here we go. I'm like, we have other things. We're going to get you out of this with the guy.

We have so much. Okay. Here we go. No, I'm self-sabotaging right now. You know. I know. I love him well I feel like you're not comfortable with it and we all not not because of this podcast I feel like I'm confused in my brain Like about it. Okay, whoa cool. Okay, right? This is what I got 32% of people would give up sex for one month in exchange for never gonna have to deal with Wi-Fi issues again.

Um, considering I've only slept with two guys this year and it was only towards end of the year and then I guess so, not even by choice. Yeah, I gave up sex not by choice. Well, I think don't you think though it's kind of good to take time, but look what you learned this year though. Like in therapy you went through these guys, like I think the first time we met, I feel like I'm not even out forever, but maybe it was at the beginning of the year. Yeah, I was in your show.

And it was like, we were talking about oral sex. When I came into your podcast the first time. Too tired to be crazy. It's five of Benson's podcasts. You were ready to be like, how do I give a good blow job? And how do I not look weird when I'm orgasming? And I was like, well, do guys go down on you? And we talked about how important it is to learn to receive.

And like, your vagina is fine and baldish that we worry about. And then you were, you've talked about receiving oral sex since then. And then the last guy who was an asshole, you're like, gone. Now you're with a good person. Well, the last guy was like, like, really down there for, for ever. And I felt really confident with him and the new guy that I slept with. I do feel really confident with him, but I just only got weird again about him going down me in and that kind of bothered me because I don't know why, but I feel like I got nervous

with him like being down there because it's like, it's kind of like Amy Schumer has made a joke about this when you're so like lonely and desperate, you end up fucking your friend and accent and you're like, like let's say his name is Mark. And it's like, Mark is fucking me. Like, uh, Mark's balls are my mouth. Mark's eating my pussy. This is gross. It's kind of like, maybe that's, I mean, not that I feel like it about this guy,

but it was kind of like. But let me tell you this, all the facts that you're telling me is that you both, you had sex, you both confirmed that it felt amazing otherworldly, like nothing you've ever felt before. And then you did it again, and it was also good. So from the facts, not from what you believe,

because that's not a fact or thoughts are not the truth, the facts are you're both really into each other and you would totally go down to you. And your vagina's fine. My vagina's great, like he thinks my vagina's perfect. Like he thinks my body's perfect. It is, my tips are perfect. I love that, thank you.

So there you go. All right. Do you think, knowing since you know my body is perfect. It is. That's perfect. I love that. Thank you. So there you go. All right. Do you think, knowing since you know who he is, do you think you would go down on me? OK. Yes, I do. And yeah, I think that for many guys,

they don't go down on women because they don't know how. They're not sure what they're doing. Actually, and I think that women in their 20s typically, and you're in your 30s now, but I would say, and I would love this to change, that women in their 20s often say no to guys too. They're like, no, no, don't do it because they believe that they're dirty, that it's wrong, and that guys don't actually want to.

And in many cases, maybe guys don't because they don't know what they're doing, and they haven't had experience because they're with girls in their 20s as well, or they're fucking lazy. So I believe that what are you saying that he went what was the question should he go to of course he would want to go to I mean he loved your he said yeah we know him now so I know that I believe that he's got a lot to learn and I believe that you could teach him and I believe he wants to learn. I told him what could teach him and I believe he wants to learn. I told him. What'd you tell him?

I'm not like somethings he's saying. What'd you tell him? No, I just can't say a lot. Say it. You did it too obvious. Does he know that I know? No, no, no, he doesn't know that you know what. This is hilarious, okay.

I was just laughing so hard yesterday about and I feel like I embarrassed him and me and feel like that. Oh no, did you tell him that I was stuff that, because you shared stuff in his life? Because you were like, oh him and made him feel like that. Oh, no, did you tell him that I was stuff that, because you shared something with him? Because you were like, yeah, I feel bad for him and his friends. I feel bad. You kind of made a joke about how I feel that anyone is sleeping

with these guys, because they have so much to learn. And I couldn't stop laughing because I was like, oh. You said that I said that? No, I was a joke. I was laughing about it, but he also knew I was really high last night. OK. So it's like, I was, but I was literally, we a joke. I was laughing about it, but he also knew I was really high last night. So it's like, I was, but I was laughing about it for four minutes.

I couldn't stop laughing about it. And like knowing him, he's such a perfectionist. And he wants to be perfect at everything. I did feel bad afterwards. I was like, oh, you can be a great teacher to him. Okay, listen to this. Over 25% of men between 18 and 24 emitted to experiencing premature ejaculation,

though only 6% were actively seeking treatment. 25%. What is premature ejaculation? They come before they want to, and typically it's in like two minutes or less. Or essentially the definition is ejaculating before you want to, meaning you don't have a ejaculatory control.

Oh, I guess I thought premature ejaculation meant, like it's a pre-com or like, no, there's this stuff coming out of the penis. No, this is so good that we're talking about this Pre-mature ejaculation is coming like in two minutes. They're coming in a minute or coming right away and you can't not It's not pre-com But do you think like do you think some of this is just has to do in the moment or like if you're sober because I hurt Some of this you will get drunk or like they need to do I have a friend that she was dating a guy for two, three years. She was a lot.

Oh, okay. You're checking the camera and make sure you look pretty. Or I look pretty, she's like, I'm like, how do I look? I look most importantly. Okay. I have a friend that dated this guy for two, three years. I feel bad for making that comment.

It's okay, cool, sorry. She's fine, she works, she's fine. So yeah, so my friend, she was dating this guy for two, three years and she said that he couldn't have sex with her without being on drugs or really drunk because he would come too fast. Like that's a real problem. So, I think some guys think they have a pre-jaculating problem, whatever, but they actually don't compare to this guy.

It's usually anxiety. A lot of times it's anxiety, especially if you're like, I have a guy-jaculating problem, whatever, but they actually don't compare to this guy. It's easy to use anxiety. A lot of times it's anxiety, especially if you're, like, I have a guy friend that he told me the first time he sleeps with any girl, he comes really fast. That's very common. And then afterwards, it's like, it's at, you know, cause first you're like, I can't even sleep with this person.

Right. And then you get used to them and you're coming fine. And like, with my current person, I don't think he comes too fast. Maybe he thinks he does. I think he's fine. But like, thinks he does. I think he's fine. But like, he was like, I think it's gonna take me a few times to sleep with you, because I'm still in shock.

That's what happens. Yes, dude, this is what happens. But I think it's sad. I feel bad if he actually isn't secure about it, because like, if only he would have asked me, I literally don't think that night. Well, and women don't care as much as guys do. But men are way more obsessed with their penis,

their penis is performance than women are. We're like fine, we know, guys come too quickly sometimes, like it's fine. I don't want a guy to last for an hour either though. Exactly, exactly. So we, what are the advice for people for men who are pretty easily- Well, I'm just looking at the most common excuses

guys use during bad sex and how to avoid them is this. Okay, 33% say this has never happened before. And when ever guys say that, I'm like, right dude. I mean, right, or I remember when I used to sleep at guys' house or if I had a one night stand or a college bed, I've never done this before. Right, this never happens. We all do that.

Being too drunk at 29%, this is how they protect themselves. I'm too drunk. No, this is what guys say. The report, okay, this is from Australian men. Ninety percent of young guys, he's admitted to having poor performance in bed. But rather than being honest to their partners about their sexual health, the excuses are, this never happens. Thirty-three percent. I was too drunk, 29 percent. Being out of practice, 17 percent, while also telling the partner she's too good, 13 percent.

So methods to combat this is, first off, for guys, if your partner has experienced premature ejaculation or you're a due to premature ejaculation, doing your chaglocyanis is strengthened your pelvic floor is huge for men and for women, for everybody. So do that. Pract, stronger chagl muscles means you can control your ejaculation more. There's also the stop start method when you're masturbating until you're about to like ejaculate, so you masturbate. It would call it stop start because you keep going and then you're like, oh, about to come

and then you go down. It'll go as fast. You just slow it down. And then you learn that when you learn about ejaculatory control, it's like, oh, this is the point where I'm going to go over and ejaculate. So you just got to practice it. Public floor that was important in that. And I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp

that you can download, it reminds you, dude, exercise helps women of stronger orgasms. When I was doing my kegels every day, I fucking had, I would have orgasms in a heartbeat because these are the muscles. Like I'm doing kegels. Right, responsible for your orgasms. Yeah, do it.

You could see the kegels balls in there. We have a new thing called Yarlap. It's a, it does your kegels for you. It's called YAR-LAP and you literally wear it and it just does them for you. And you don't have to do them for women. Now for men, no. For men, I feel like helps them go.

I'll come less fast. And here's the thing, I feel like no one's using condoms and you absolutely should. However, I believe that men are told this thing that if, and maybe it does it first, it feels worse with a condom. But I think first off, that's something that you get passed, it still feels good. And it is true that someone can last a little longer

and then find the right frigging condoms because condoms are not a one size fits all. So try out a bunch of different brands. I love skin condoms. I'll give some to you before you leave it, you probably won't use them. Cause they're thin, but they're not latex. I'm just telling you that people tell me

they don't use them when they show up. It's weird. I feel like an artist. I don't want to get herpes, but I feel like, it's like, I don't know if any woman is ever felt like that. I feel like I feel more connected or closer to a person when I feel their skin inside of me in a weird way.

Hard way. And like the condom. Like I feel their skin inside of me in a weird way. True. And like the condom. Like I feel like I'm... Do you think it's more about the act of putting it on that bothers you? No, I'm not at all. I'm not at all.

It's like you're falling my hands. I'm on Adderall so I'm really focused. How much did you take? That's what I noticed. Will you take it every day? On weekdays, yeah. Yeah. How much? I've taken it. 15 milligrams. The whole that much. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. How much?

I've taken it. 15 milligrams. The whole that much. Yeah, that's it. And now I started taking non-time release. I used to take time release last of the whole day. And now it's non-time release. So I feel like that's I'm so focused right now, because it's in the moment like before.

It's okay. To do it well. Thank you. Do they need it? Yeah. Oh my god. This comes to me down. So this is why I'm so calm right now. I feel like when I'm on the mic

I'm the most linear focused in calm. Yeah. Do you feel that too? Sometimes I feel calm talking to you. I feel calm talking to you too Yeah, I know you're gonna hang out which I appreciate I was gonna say this to you after the show But like you've reached out and we've tried and hasn't happened but I know this year this year was tough for me You're bad with follow through, but so am I. So you put two people there, bad with that. No, no, no, no. But I feel like, okay, so that is true.

I ran into a friend this morning, I went to Pilates and I feel bad because she literally called me three times this year. And how do you say like I haven't called you in, and I did, and it was stupid, but the truth is, back up, this year I did make a decision that I was focusing on, well, one of it was friendships, but that didn't really work. It was more, but the truth is, back up, this year I did make a decision that I was focusing on, well, one of it was friendships,

but that didn't really work. It was more like grounding myself in my home because I had no furniture for years and I lived in a house that furniture and working on friendships and getting a good team in my office. But I was like, I am not dating. So anyway, I just felt bad, but yeah, and I like her. So anyway, I'm sorry if I have a wallet through.

I work on it. It's okay, I'm like that too. I can't get mad at you if I also don't fall asleep. All right, okay. We'm like that too. I can't get mad at you Files, so don't follow through okay. We're seeing that we you know, I was just thinking about me everything Okay, I don't know why random was thinking about it because it hasn't happened in a while, but What what's the percentage of women that have wet dreams? I feel like I've had it in the past and I'm randomly thinking about I don't know why but like I've had it in the past, and I'm randomly thinking about it, I don't know why, but I've had some intense orgasms, I feel like through a wet dream, and I don't know why I was randomly thinking about it.

I think it's really common for women. I wish it happened more often. We've talked about that, like how can we get that to happen more often? And it hasn't happened to me a long time, but it used to happen to me all the time. I don't know why, but I feel like it's very common for women to experience it,

but I don't think as often as men But I think you can kind of plant it in your brain like I remember I took this dream class in college and one of the prerequisites for the class was that you had to remember your dreams But no one really but like but if you don't we can teach you how and then they gave us these methods for For learning to remember your dreams and I'm trying to work there because it was so long ago Maybe it was like set your alarm 15 minutes earlier and then like then go back to sleep or and also it was like it was something to do before you went to bed and write in your journal and then sure enough like I had a whole semester where I wrote my dreams.

So I believe with wet dreams maybe if you are a master, have you used the toys I gave you? Master, maybe for sleep or think about the dream you want to have. I feel like that would help it happen because it feels so good. You're like, I haven't do anything. I just had an orgasm. Yeah, I forgot the last time I masturbated. Probably recently. Sometimes I'm bored.

Do you use the toys? Yeah, of course. Do you remember which ones I gave you? I don't, but I'm going to give you a neck. Can I give you one of these? No. My vibrator necklace. But, but now it works and you have it on you all the time.

If you gave it to any of my friends, I know they have them, so if I don't get one, I'll give you one. Dude, I could have walked in to give it to you. No, I know. Give me one, though. You... I'm fucking... Of course you are! Today, which one do you want? Gold? We're talking about my vest, per necklace.

How amazing! I can use this during, it works. It's a, we're gonna give you, it's comes in gold. Rose gold and silver. Which one would you like? There's 24, and it says, meditate, master rate manifest. You can choose three phrases.

Meditate, master, manifest, you get it. I come first or turn me on. They have little things and it comes in gold. I come first. turn me on. They have little sayings and it comes in gold. I come first. Nice. That's the one girl. Yeah. Would you want gold?

I think you would you want gold or rose gold? This is rose gold. Well, my necklace is gold. I mean, I'll look at both. Look at both. Okay, so anyway, yes. Of course you always leave your worth gifts to and not hook your ass up.

Yeah, you do. Loops. Oh, the loop is dope. I feel like I haven't used it in a while, but I forget like how I used to be the last guy. Okay. And it makes the biggest difference. I feel like, but then him being there probably made, I didn't love that. Well, he dried you up because he wasn't cool. But I have a question for you. Being who you are and everything's online and people can see you and you're famous celebrity, do you feel that it has made a hearted a date

or do you just date people who kind of like are already at your level? Do you know what I'm saying? It's hard and general because sometimes I turn on myself on for the camera and like, I almost feel like, oh my God, I feel like I am contradicting myself based on what happened yesterday,

but like I almost feel like sometimes I need, it's almost hard for me to date someone who won't understand that I'm pretending to be someone. I'm not them pretending to be someone. I'm not like certain things I'm talking about, certain jokes that I'm making. It's for the show versus like how I really feel about that person.

Right. So that can make a heart, because then if someone who doesn't understand what I do, we'll listen to anything I'm talking about, I'm talking about an ex partner, I'm talking making some sexual joke, then they're like, is that about me? Exactly. I think that part makes it hard.

And in general, like, we've talked about this before in my podcast with you where people, if they, some people, some people, sometimes I feel like maybe they want to date me just to tell their friends, they went out with someone like me versus like actually wanting to get to know me. And then if it's like it comes to the time where I'm not daddy issues and I have like real feelings and things like that then maybe they're like, oh I'm bored now. Yeah. It's more of an and that's what makes me uncomfortable. Like the other day my friend was back, went back home and one of his guy, one of his good friends is like supposedly won't call like, it love with me. And they started to FaceTime me and I didn't answer. And my friend was like, oh, what are you answer? My friend's so in love with you, like, he would do anything to talk to you.

But in my brain, I was like, which image of me? Is he into you? Yeah, right. Because I don't know who to pretend to be right now, because I don't want to disappoint him when he's not going to get, yeah, I was like, which version of me is he in love with because because I don't know you're so self-aware to be yeah right now for him to still continue to feel the same way because I don't want to disappoint anyone and I feel like some of these guys I get scared that I'm gonna let them down once they get to know me and I'm not on it on like on the same level every day right but has that happened to you because I feel like I get that but I feel like people who but people

really want though, is your authentic self. So I think when they see you though, cause you're all the things, I feel like you're always the same. Like I understand what you're saying too, cause I know that I have my on, I can people think I'm just wanna have sex all the time,

and I'm all about sex, it's gonna be crazy, and I'm gonna be swinging from the rafters, and I'm gonna pull up my Sibian and all my senses. And it is. Oh, and it is. But not all the time, not every night. Come on, Sunday nights I'm gonna pull up my Sibian and all my senses. And it is. Oh, and it is. But not all the time, not every night. Come on, Sunday nights I'm tired.

But no, I'm not all I'm not like sex obsessed. I'm not a, I'm not a, what do people think I am? Like an important, me, some guys are you an infomaniac? I'm like, yeah, I thought I'd just make a create. No, it's like my job. So I just think it's interesting to weed out, to find out who actually is authentically. The last guy I went out with, did very similar stuff to what I did, what I do.

And I thought that would make it easier, because then he would understand what I do, what I do, whatever. And instead, it went from him constantly putting me on a pedestal, which was a lot to deal with, but he was always like, so many compliments to like, literally our biggest issue of why we couldn't date. It was more him pulling back than me, was because he felt like he wasn't good enough for me And no matter what I did It's like he just didn't feel like he was good enough for me like I literally were trying to make him feel good about himself every second

You'd be like wow you you just you own this house all by yourself like what the fuck and I just I just I just feel like you deserve so much more than I have to offer like I just feel like you deserve so much better than me Bubba and after a while it's like you deserve so much more than I have to offer. Like, I just feel like you deserve so much better than me, but after a while it's like, you know what? Fuck, you're right, maybe I do, because this is exhausting. Exactly. I can't make you feel good about yourself every, and you would be like, you just make me so insecure.

Like, no one makes me feel this way. You make me so insecure all the time. And it's like, it got to a point that I'm not even saying anything, and I've started to feel bad about myself, because I was like, how can I be such a terrible person? Right, wow. And I've been this guy feel, and I I feel like I literally, when we stop talking, I told them that I feel like you're dimming my light.

Yes. And it's, I don't want that anymore. Like, I don't want someone to dim my light. And it was such a big difference when my friend, who known me for years, came to my house to see it for the first time. You're just like, wow, you own this all by yourself. Like, Tammy, I'm so proud of you, this is amazing. And I was like, just to even get that from a friend.

Exactly. It was just like so different. You wanted me to be like, who's supporting you? You're so nice. That is how it ships. And now you know, anyone who's threatened or jealous is not gonna be your guy and you wouldn't even entertain it. It is hard to even care.

Like a lot of times women, we talked about this. Like women don't, so a lot of times, like if someone tells you, I don't care if I A lot of times women, we talked about this. Women don't, so a lot of times, if someone tells you, I don't care if I make more money than you, I just want to support your dreams and just support me back. They mean it. Women need that emotional support. We need that emotional. I don't need it.

I don't need it guys money. And it's like, they can't take it because of being primates. Not all men can take it. Some men can. This was with my exes. I guess, yeah, it's the same thing. I make more, I do more. I think it's hard though.

It can't be hard with men are meant to be like the bread winner. Caretaker and they're not making as much. I think you have to be very confident in your own skin to be okay with the fact that maybe your woman at this point in time is making more than you or like is more successful. But like, don't underestimate how much it can encourage you to work harder, just like she, like I hate when someone's like,'t underestimate how much it can encourage you to work harder just like she like I hate when someone's like I'm just not good enough for you, but okay

then fucking step it up and be good enough for you. Yeah, like you don't go there. Like I hate people. Oh, oh, oh, oh, got it. So you just want to play the victim. You don't actually want to change. You're just wasting my time with like, and blowing up my ear for no reason. Okay, cool. Got it. Right. See, but now you know that wouldn't fly for you anymore. No, he was right. He was right. And he sometimes mentioned this other guy sometimes he felt insecure about. And now and then I fucked that guy. So thanks. Oh, violent, violent, violent, violent, Benson. This is good. Yeah. One lesson they will tell everyone that I've made a mistake. That

mistake too. When you are at odds with a partner and or you feel you start to feel insecure about another person Don't ever bring that person up to your partner in my like a really hasty like rude way because guess what? Subconsciously you will end up pushing that person into their arms when it's over It's like the weirdest thing, but it's happened to me in the past. Whenever I've been insecure about specific girl or two with the next boyfriend, I was younger and I'd be like, are you fucking her? You guys flurred all the time about what's going on? And literally the minute we break up, it's the weirdest thing.

Because you're like telling that it's like that's hot, that's sabotage. That's like self-fulfilling prophecy. Exactly. And then the guy does the same thing to me. I was just like, for you to even be friends with this person, this is why we're not compatible. You need, you, and I was like, okay. And then when we stopped talking, I was like, I'm a fuck that guy.

And it was great sex. Yeah. Okay, good point. So what did you learn this, you're good? This is what I wanted to ask you. So what would you say is a lesson you learned this year? And then what is your goals for your sex, your relationship goals for 2020? That sets some intentions. I'll try to do the same thing. Oh, wait, the lessons that I've learned 2019. Well, that's okay for people to allow people to into my life and to show people who you are, be vulnerable.

Be vulnerable. That I don't have all the answers that commitment scares me and I'm starting to notice that. I am worried. That's kind of worrying me. I'm never gonna find love. Because I'm so like afraid of it like when anything looks real but I feel like that stuff in therapy With the fear of love is? I should. Can write that down. I'll write that down. And I think it's important also to surround yourself with people that encourage you.

And also I've learned that what type of love I am, and I've learned that I'm a, like if you do your, if you go on co-star and you do all your whole chart of your different zodiac signs, like your Venus, is how you love. And my Venus is in Libra and Libra They change themselves a little bit per partner and like they idolize love more than the person I think that is my biggest problem. So I think even it takes me that makes sense I'm really blind like I love love so much and I love writing about it and

I've been learning slowly what love is and I feel like I have become more confident so it's become easier for me to let go of people but like sometimes I'm so in love with the idea of love that I can't see what's right in front of me which is like that person is not right for me and I'm like there's so many reflags with the last guy we're just not right for each other because he has a lot growing up to doing I'm not the right person for him but I was like almost fighting for that love so everyone was like V you're crying a lot growing up to doing, I'm not the right person for him, but I was like almost fighting for that love. So everyone was like, V, you're crying a lot. And like, I never see you happy anymore. And I wasn't.

But like, I just, the thought, because we grow up watching all these student movies where it's like, all to be at your feet. And it's supposed to be hard, and then you fight for each other. And like, and that's almost, so almost I felt safe in these moments where I had so many ups and downs.

And I feel like I'm learning now that I'm so in love with the thought of love that sometimes I'm not seeing the person right in front of me. And falling in love with potential is the scariest thing. Yes, that is so good, see? This is what you could take into the new year thing. Because you've just said it, you stated it. And now that you know that you're a thing, yeah, no one around you is gonna let you do your the New Year thing, because you've just said it, you stated it. Now that you know that you're a thing, no one around you is going to let you do your friends or your therapist, you know, won't let you do it again then. But a big part of me is like, I do want to be in the stable relationship next year, and I feel I do need to manifest that, but I'm so scared of it.

I don't know why either. I don't know why either. Maybe it hasn't been so easy for you in the past. Maybe you haven't really done it yet, so it's like a whole new thing. And like anytime we try something new, it's kind of scary, but I think it's scary when you get older.

Put the intention out there. Because now it's forever. It's easier when you're younger and you're just like, well, it doesn't happen. But I think putting that pressure that the next guy you date is forever is also going to stop you. Because you go to the extreme.

This is going to be the everything. Yeah, but I would love to do guys that are not in the same industry as me. Like I feel like I think that maybe the person I end up with doesn't do what I do, and it's like behind the everything. Yeah, but I would love to do guys that are not in the same industry as me. Like I feel like I think that maybe the person I end up with doesn't do what I do and it's like behind the scenes. And then he can let me shine. And like, I think that's what I'm supposed to end up with. So I'm definitely more open to dating guys who are not in my industry.

Good. Okay. Putting that out there. They're listening. Check her out. Check me out. Thank you, Violet. So, okay, people can find you everywhere.

Too tired to be crazy, podcast. Yeah, on every Thursday we talk about literally everything I've cool guests and we do soul episodes where I talk about your feelings, how to get over a breakup, depression. I just did a Zodiac sign podcast episode. So that was really fun. My next solo one is going to be about Zodiac signs and how they fuck. Okay. Oh, how about Gemini's? All right. a place. You'll tell me about it. No, Gemini, men and women are both different, but Gemini women are just like, they're a lot, like they're

great and bad because of that. They're just like, I have a lot of personalities what I mean. Yeah, yeah. I'm all over the place. And a good way. All right, Violet, thanks for being here. I had a year. Thanks for having me. Wait, what's your intentions for 2020? Oh, I thought I was going to get out of it. I learned this year. God damn you. I learned this year. OK, what I learned this year was just that I actually

got clearer on what I actually am looking for in a partner and that it's changed now because as you get older, your needs change what you need. Because at this point, I don't need money. I'm not having kids. I don't know if I want to live with anyone right now. I'm super busy, whatever. But I realize that there are certain things I will not just don't work for me anymore. So in the new year, I'm looking to put to prioritize dating, to actually put myself out there in situations that I haven't in the past and to meet someone that is cool and on my level,

and can accept everything that I do, and they want to travel. We're going to travel together, and we're going to each make each other the best versions of ourself. I want that too. I want the traveling, and I want to make each other the best versions of ourselves,

and we don't make each other insecure, and we make each other happy, and we're both like, push each other the best versions of ourselves and we don't make each other insecure. Yes. And we make each other happy and we're both like, push each other to like be better. Right. That's how it should be in our friendships. That's how it should be at work. I think that's how it should definitely be with love. You know, don't let anyone bring you down in 2020.

And I don't care if the guys older than me or younger than me. Okay, good. There you go. We just put it out to so many people. Thank you, Violet Benson. Thank you so much for having me. I love it. Thanks for being here. Bye. Bye.

If you liked the show or you're loving the show or you've learned something from the show, we so appreciate it if you would give us five stars or just review it, especially helps on iTunes. If there's only topics you want to hear more about, just email me feedback at sexwithmla.com. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, me feedback at sexwithmla.com. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmla.com.