Sex With Emily - Conscious, Casual Sex

Episode Date: August 27, 2022

Casual sex gets a bad rap. We associate it with hookup culture, with disposability, with mindless Tinder swipes. But it doesn’t have to be that way: when approached with an intentional, conscious mindset, casual sex can be exactly what you need to feel erotic and energized again. The key? Knowing yourself – and knowing precisely what you want to get out of your casual sex experience. On today’s show, I parse out all the different types of casual sex out there, and offer some research that may surprise you. Next, I discuss how you know if casual sex is right for you, and when it’s best to say, “no thank you.” Finally, I coach you on how to make your casual sex encounters fulfilling, with maturity, self-awareness, and of course – an orgasm or two. Or ten. Show Notes:7 Myths of Non MonogamyFriends With Benefits: A Guide Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Just think about it. What is a requirement for you to have satisfying sex? Do not communicate that to a casual sex partner. Self-knowledge, knowing what you need to make sex feel good for you, and the willingness to say it out loud, if you can do both of those things, you are on your way to more successful casual sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Casual sex gets a bad rap.

We associate it with hook-up culture, with disposability, with mindless tinder swipes, but it doesn't have to be that way. Especially when approached with an intentional conscious mindset. Casual sex can be exactly what you need to feel erotic and energize again. The key, knowing yourself, and knowing precisely what you want to get out of your casual sex experience. On today's show, I parse out all the different types of casual sex out there, and offer some

research that may surprise you. Next I discuss how you know if casual sex is right for you, and when it's best to say, no thank you. Finally, I coach you in how to make your casual sex encounters fulfilling, with maturity, self-awareness, and of course, an orgasm or two, or ten. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. So what do you want to get out of this episode? Well my intention is to give you the information you need to know if casual sex is right for you. Please

rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Seven Myths of Nonmonogamy, is up at SexWithEmily.com. Check out my YouTube channel Social Media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. You want to ask me questions? Well, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com. slash askemily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live

and how you listen to the show, and it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Let's talk casual sex. So I've been hearing from a ton of you all lately about how to navigate it if you should navigate it all that. Because casual sex can take many different forms. So first let's lay out a few scenarios and definitions before I share tips for making

sure it's right for you and answering your questions. Alright, what is casual sex? The first big clarifying point I want to make is this, casual sex doesn't automatically mean hookup culture. Hookup culture implies a disposability to one's sexual connections, and I think that's where we get research linking to poor mental health outcomes when it's all about just like we're getting wasted, we're hooking up, and we don't care about anyone's feelings. But please know, if you're interested in casual sex, you can navigate it as a conscientious person.

Casual doesn't have to mean disposable. Casual sex does mean that the sex you're having isn't currently happening inside of a committed relationship with container. So you're not committed't currently happening inside of a committed relationship container. So, you're not committed. That's what it means. But what other forms can casual sex take? Well, maybe you're at a stage in your life where you like having sex and you like being in relationships, but you know, for whatever reason, you just can't, don't have time to

put into a committed relationship right now, because maybe you've incredibly demanding job, for example, or you're traveling. So casual sex might be right for you. Or maybe you're a recent divorcee or you just broke up with someone and before jumping right back into a relationship, you want to explore your sexual taste with other people. Find out what you're into now. Post break up. Post relationship ending.

Or maybe you're in an open relationship where you do have a committed nesting partner or primary partner, but you also have casual play partners. Maybe you're doing friends with benefits where the basis of your connection with someone is friendship, but you're having sex and you're also consciously not adopting the social designation of romantic partners. Oside note about friends with benefits we have an entire episode that is devoted to friends of benefits relationships.

If you want to check that out, we'll put it in the show notes. Or maybe you want to have casual sex with people until one of these people murdered a potential serious partner. That's okay too. It's a right to have casual sex and still be looking for a real committed partner. When it comes to casual sex, we've definitely seen a shift in not only attitudes, but also towards behavior. So interestingly, a recent study showed that for college students, get this, casual sex

is less frequent than it was for older generations. In fact, among young people, casual sex is on the decline, which is linked to less alcohol consumption, living longer at the parent's house and being more online in general than previous generations. While casual sex may be decreasing between 60% and 80% of American college students report having some sort of hookup experience, but here's the thing, attitudes towards casual sex are evolving for every generation. The stigma is lifting.

It's becoming an emerging category of sexual connection, and similar to the Friends with Benefits Show, people are now asking what language and protocols they should use to engage in casual sex. So know this. Having casual sex isn't good or bad. You don't need to feel peer pressured into it. Just because the stigma is lifting doesn't mean that you need to just all of a sudden get on the casual sex bandwagon, but you also don't need to avoid it because you're worried about being

judged. So in my generation when I went to college, there was no casual sex options. You would be judged. There was a stigma around it. And so I think there were times looking back that I probably would have had casual sex but I knew that I didn't want to have that reputation or stereotype that was so pervasive back then and I wish that there was more agency and permission to be more sexual and to be more experimental. So I think we're in a really good time right now, and there was definitely wasn't a sex advice show back then. So now with these studies and scenarios in mind, let's look at the pros and cons of casual sex. How to know if casual sex is right for you. So here's some of the benefits as well as some of the downsides. First and foremost, you get to experience sex and touch with another person. That alone has the

potential to release endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine, you know your brain's cocktail of happy hormones. Don't underestimate the importance of human touch. I think we all learned that the last few years. Really really important. And we miss it when we don't have it. You also get to hone your sexual skills and try out sexual activities with consent to see what they feel like. You also get to just date around and hone in on the values that are important to you

in relationships and what you like in a partner. This is how you get to figure it out. Pagmatically, you might choose to have casual sex when you heal from a breakup. No judgment there. As long as you're open and transparent with the other person, I think it's totally okay. Very importantly, let's not underestimate this.

You get to feel sexually attractive. Sometimes when we're going through a period of not having sex or, you know, we're really busy and just hasn't been a part of our life, it feels really good to get attention from others. Never tire of that, right? You also get to feel it's actually attractive in your own body. There was a recent study that looked at individuals

emotional responses to casual sex. Surprisingly, most participants concluded that their casual sex experience was more positive than negative. Important side note about that study, individuals were more likely to have a positive experience with casual sex if they avoided excessive alcohol intake and achieved a level of sexual satisfaction. Finally, participants had a better experience with casual sex partners if they already knew them.

Because listen, when there's more trust, this has been documented in because listen, when there's more trust, this has been documented in many studies, when there's more trust in a relationship or with a partner, even a casual sex partner, you're going to have more sexual pleasure and more orgasms. Think about it. When it's somebody you don't know, and it's casual, and it's new, and you know, there's a lot of different factors, it's really hard to say, okay, I don't know this person at all, and I'm going to let

go surrender and be my full sexual self. It's trickier with casual sex, so that trust point is really important. So think about it. That's different than the like met this person, the bar, and went home with them. It's a very different kind of casual sex than we're talking about in the show. And again, benefits to all kinds of sex. Just honing in here so you can kind of wrap your head around what might be right for you. So those are some reasons why you might want to engage in casual sex or some of the pluses. Let's look at some of the downsides. They include increased

exposure to STIs and potential for pregnancy. It's a bummer, but it is true. The more sexual partners you have without protection, you are more likely to get an STI or an STD. Also, if you're really looking for a romantic partner, but you have in state of that upfront, casual sex could certainly save you up for disappointment. Why is this person be romantic? Why aren't they asking about my day? Why don't they remember what I told them about my family or my work? So that could be stressful. And that could also be heartbreaking. You're like, I thought this person cared about me because

our sex is so intimate, but yet it's casual. So I can't have expectations that they're going to buy me a Valentine's day present. If the sex partner isn't on the same page as you, that could be really challenging. Also, very unsatisfying sex. Like if it's a stranger and you haven't really communicated about what you're looking for, or you're impaired, you're drunk, or you're high.

So in the end, maybe you didn't get a lot of pleasure out of it, because it was a stranger, but you were also kind of out of your mind. You also set yourself up for feeling of rejection or disposability, especially if you're prone to anxiety or you've an anxious attachment style, casual sex, just might not be a wise choice for your mental health. If you know you're the kind of person that you know you're going to be glued to the phone, wait and see if they text or they call you.

You're going to be on their Instagram page, refreshing, you know you're gonna be glued to the phone, waiting to see if they text or they call you, you're gonna be on their Instagram page, refreshing, just like their TikTok, what are they doing? And you're gonna get obsessed, you know this about yourself. Or maybe you'll learn to know this about yourself. And this is why the big reason why casual sex just doesn't work for people, they're like, it's just not for me, it just can't handle it. And totally fine, know yourself. That's the greatest wisdom out there.

Knowing yourself and to know what kind of expectations you might be placing on the other person is important. And we're going to get into how to communicate about what you want these relationships in a minute, but a lot of us aren't communicating in casual scenarios ever. So knowing this is important. So now you can decide whether a threat for you or not right for you. So if you wanna move forward with casual sex, here's how to make it great. First, make sure that you feel comfortable

stating your intentions out loud before having sex with someone. Then casual sex could really be great for you. You wanna be able to confidently say to the other person, I'm looking at casual sex only right now. You know, that's the most mature step, setting expectations from the jump. Second, think about, can you tell this person what you need for sex to be satisfying? Do you need a specific sexual behavior like lots of foreplay. Do you need a sexual style like strong power dynamic? Do you need lots of cuddles?

I mean, think about it. Is this something that you can bring into your casual relationship? Do you not ask for that? Once you know this, like, here's the thing. I love to cuddle. It's a really big part of my priorities when it comes to sex.

I like touch. If I'm sleeping over at someone's house, like, I want to be touching. Not the whole time, I get it, it gets hot, but I like touch. If I'm with somebody and they roll over and fall asleep or there's no touch, that's not going to be a casual sex partner for me because it's missing a really core ingredient that's a requirement for me. So, I kind of saw that out early on when I'm in my casual sex phases, which I've been in.

Just think about it. What is a requirement for you to have satisfying sex? Do you not communicate that to a casual sex partner? Self-knowledge, knowing what you need to make sex feel good for you, and the willingness to say it out loud, if you can do both of those things, you are on your way to more successful casual sex. So for example, if you're on an app and you meet a potential play partner, you could say, hey, I'm only having casual sex right now, but just so you know, I'm really into four play.

Does that work for you? If so great, if not, no hard feelings. Another thing to look at, do you know what your overall goals are? Is it to test the waters with people, to see if they'd make a good long-term match? Is it to get over an X? Is it to practice your sex skills? Is it to have a kinky experience with someone who shares your kink? I mean, those are all great goals.

And if you know what your casual sex goals are, and feel comfortable sharing those with a potential partner, another good sign. Casual sex opens up a door for experimentation. You know, I remember when I was looking for jobs at a college, getting the advice like, you should take every job interview. Just to get experience with job interviews, well, I think casual sex can be like that. I'm not saying you should see, but every partner that comes your way. But I am saying casual sex allows you to kind of figure out what you're actually into and it allows you to practice, practice asking for what you

want and practice figuring out what you're into. And also, you guys, the stakes are a little bit lower in casual sex and that like you are, you know, maybe it's not that you're not looking for a long-term partner. So what's so important to respect this person and be honest and communicative? There's not that like, oh, this is the person for the rest of my life. I like that you kind of think I can really work on my own sexual, social skills here. Now, if you've heard all this and you're thinking to yourself, yes, I have these qualities, I can pull up casual sex, then that's beautiful.

But if you've had experiences before where casual sex made you feel used, devalued, unimportant, et cetera, you know, sent you on a whole downward spiral, then stop and recognize casual sex may not be healthy choice. And I can be honest it. Again, I'm trying to lay out all the things you need to know so you can do it in a way that's healthy and right for you. If you still choose to venture into casual sex. So the two keys that we've covered here, self-awareness and communication. I'm not in that place.

I don't have it in me. And I didn't do it. Again, I'm trying to lay out all the things you need to know. So you can do it in a way that's healthy and right for you. If you still choose to venture into casual sex. So the two keys that we've covered here, self-awareness and communication, know what you're looking for with casual sex

and state it out loud. All right, so for little inspiration, I asked my Instagram audience, you can find us at Sex with Emily. What's the best casual sex encounter you've ever had? Ready? Love your answers. A threesome with my two

friends who are now engaged. Haven't had one yet. Just had the best one night stand in Milan as I passed through for a night. Beach party in Thailand I went from dancing to having sex on the beach without ever speaking words. At a music festival with a fairly new friend, which cute, wholesome, and sensual, exactly what we both needed. My peace-corday with another volunteer, she liked to be spanked. In my office, an old friend in Tzuhzentown stopped by. A childhood friend I've known for more than 30 years. In the mountains on a hiking trail, random but awesome, three-some with a married couple,

unholything greased with a younger couple, unhollowing grease with a younger guy outdoors on the rocks in a park and more, and a cruise very ship in Sweden where we did it on one of the decks I departed the next morning. Someone else said casual sex is never in that great, especially one night stands. With a property manager over building I lived in once, the heater wasn't working and he came over. That's hot! All right, so when I'm seeing here There's a lot of easy ways around vacation. It's spontaneous. It's somebody you might never see again, and that's Fun and can be hot too. I've had a lot of those experiences as well. Love the travel

The travel hookup is a good time All right, so now how do you find a casual sex partner? Honestly, it's the same way you go about finding any kind of sex partner or any kind of partner for relationship, whether it's the apps, whether it's out in the world, letting everyone know that you're single and that you want to look,

you're looking for someone letting your friends know or your family to fix you up. But the key difference here is that when you do find somebody or when you're dating, you have to keep communicating. You have to tell them, let the person know that this is what you're looking for. I see on the apps all the time. People say I'm just in town for a few days.

I see things like that, but I also see I'm just looking for casual right now. I'm not looking for anything committed. You want to be real about it and be honest. So think about casual sex as I see it being more fluid and more temporary. Now you might be in a casual sex relationship for 10 years or casual sex phase or part of your life for 10 years.

And yes, I know there are people who have entire lives of casual sex. But what I've seen is that people sort of go in and out of it. They are in a serious relationship and they kind of dabble in casual sex until they get into a more serious relationship. So that seems to be the norm. And I want to say this that when you do sleep with somebody that I would love everyone to make the assumption that if you haven't spoken to this person about what you're into and what you're looking for, make the assumption that they're

probably sleeping with other people too. Because I think a lot of us assume like I see for someone and now it's going to be serious or they're going to want something or I want something, that might be the case. You might sleep with someone and you might want something more serious, but that's why the communication is key here and you got to let the person know. Like, I'm looking for something serious, what about you looking for, and it's great to have these conversations before we sleep with someone. We also asked our integral audience for some info about the best casual sex advice you have ever received.

Communication is key. It's a lot of fun until one person catches feelings and once that happens, jump ship. Yeah, you guys, that's what happens in friends and benefits relationships often. I usually talk about it in that context, but again, casual relationships, a lot of times they are friends with benefits,

but usually what happens with that is that one person catches feelings or one person meets somebody else, so just be mindful of that. Someone else says, don't catch feelings, and I think I want to sink into that more. I think it's really hard to say, I'm not going to catch feelings when you catch feelings. So that's kind of setting yourself up for failure, but what you can do is think about what leads me to catch feelings with somebody. And then you can prevent that behavior. For example, sleepovers, taking vacation, helping someone with an intimate emotional personal problem, getting involved with someone's personal

life. When you have conversations and experiences when someone's revealing more about themselves, you're going to catch feelings if you're human because you're going to start to care for them and feel for them. And then let's say you're someone who opens up about your problems and your challenges and this person helps you. This is where the feelings happen. So if you truly are somebody who does not want to catch feelings, then you have to stop doing behaviors that are going to lead you towards catching feelings. I think that could mitigate this problem for many, but again, the heart wants, with the

heart's wants. Sometimes we are so close with someone and the sex is amazing that of course we want it all. So just be mindful of what it looks like for you when you get into a relationship and start to catch feelings and what's happening for you. Some more advice, have fun, get out of your mind into the moment, don't ever think it,

turn out badder with someone you're comfortable with, that is so true in most sexual scenarios. And again, be safe and joyate, be free to give and receive the pleasure. Yes, this is all about pleasure. Because in the casual sex relationship that is executed in a healthy way, you can have

more pleasure, especially if you advocate for yourself and your own desires. Alright, there's some education for you on casual sex. I hope this empowers you to take the next step forward. Whether it's no thank you, think I'm good. I don't think I'm a good fit for that. Or yes, now I've got some language for it. I feel that I can navigate this world more confidently. After the break, I'll tackle your casual sex questions. This is from Ali24 in Toronto, Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have two questions. I can't organize them with my vibrator so easily.

With my long-term ex-boyfriend, we usually just jump to the chase and it was faster. I want to do it naturally through oral sex. I'm now single, but how do I not make this the focus? Secondly, casual relationships. I'm in a new city and single. I'm meeting guys through mutual friends and I've hooked up with one or two and what again because who doesn't love a casual hookup? How do I do this? Well, also trying to build a friend's social network. I wanted to be friend of these people too and make this very casual or one time thing. Is this possible?

This has been the only successful way for me to get casual hookups and not loving the dating apps. All right, so let's answer your first question about orgasm being through oral sex. Well, I think when you get into your casual sex experiences, it's great to have this focus. This is what I'm talking about. What are your intentions? What are your goals? What do you want to work on? You want to work on having an orgasm through casual sex. I love it. So, you make this a focus. I mean, really, when you're making out and things happen before you go down on them, perhaps even make sure they go down on you, let them know if you're

talking about sex it. You love receiving oral, you love giving oral. And then when they're actually going down on you, this is a great time to practice giving feedback, practice showing them what you like, either with your fingers or moving in a way that they understand what you like or talking to them about it afterwards. So, great practice here to learn how to get what you need and learn how to have pleasure through oral sex and also great to weed out people who aren't into oral sex. They're not into giving, they never go down in you. You'll find that out pretty quickly. I'll your next question about

where I think I hear you asking is, you try to find out how to meet people in New City and you're asking like, you meet a lot of different friend groups and you're wondering if it's okay to sleep with people in those friend groups, but just remain friends. And I love your attitude towards this, like I think it's true, like it is easier to meet people but just remain friends. And I love your attitude towards this. Like, I think it's true. Like it is easier to meet people to date through friends. However, not everybody's going to be so cool with that. Again, you got to know this

that let me say this about sleeping with people in friend groups. If you and this person communicate about it, there's no hard feelings. You're like, I just want this to be casual and everyone feels good. I love that. God, how great if we can leave every sexual encounter or relationship where everybody's feeling, you know, heard and seen and respected. Love that. That's not always the case, you know? I think we're all imperfect and we're all trying to learn how to be great communicators,

especially when it comes to matters of the heart and bedroom and sex and all those things. So sometimes, people's feelings get hurt. Someone might catch feelings and you didn't. So just know that you might be fine with it, but the other person might not be. And then also, not everybody has the same beliefs around casual sex. People are judgmental. Maybe those won't be your friends if they're going to judge you for sleeping with someone, but just be mindful that people like to make judgments and that, oh, you're sleeping with everyone in their friend group, right? That could be a thing. But again, you find your people and maybe your people will be like, yeah, sleep with whoever.

We don't care. We all want to be friends and it's all cool. That's the world that I'd like to live in where we're all, we're not judging people for their sexual choices, but I think the more you are yourself and the more you communicate in a healthy way, you are going to find your people. You're gonna find your friends, you're gonna find your guys and your lovers Ali, you'll be fine, just keep communicating and being honest and knowing yourself. This is from Mike31 Chicago. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm just getting out of a nearly six-year relationship and I want to sexually explore with new partners. I'm willing to put in the time and effort

to create trust and comfortability with new partners, but I don't want to be in a serious romantic relationship. How can it express this to potential partners without coming across as shallow? Is this something I should be upfront about right away? I don't want to give people the wrong impression by being too forward about sex, but I also don't want to set the wrong expectations.

For extra context, I'm a cis-heteromel, looking for sexual relationships with women. Thank you, and I love the show. All right, Mike, this is such a great question. And let me clarify here, it's not shallow to want to be sexual, but not committed. That is what I touched on in the top of the show about like a hook up culture.

And there is this stigma that if you want to be casual, it can't be meaningful and it's just not true. So let them know when you're dating that you recently kind of have a relationship that you're not looking for anything romantically serious now, but you're interested to get to know them and have fun with partners in a more casual, sexual way. You know, it's the same exact thing that you explain to me just now in writing, I would explain that to the partners. And I promise you will find people in the same boat as you. So if you're upfront with your expectations and intentions with dating right now, it'll be a lot easier for you to find like

minded people. And I'm sure that you will. All right, this is from Heather. Hey, Dr. Emily, an ex from about 14 years ago, recently requested me on social media. We started messaging and I found out he wanted to hook up. He wanted to come over to my place and wouldn't give me his number.

In the conversation he asked what I wanted from him, what do I expect and where do I want to go? Just unsure if I should pursue this, I need your help. Oh, Heather, I think our ex's are X's for a reason many times and the fact that he's not giving you his number and he's making these demands on you. Why did this relationship end? Was he controlling?

Was he not allowing you to feel your feelings? Was he not there for you in certain ways? Cause listen, I've been there, Heather. I have had you fork recall, gone back to X's. I just remember all the great things and not the bad things. It's not the reasons why we woke up. But please think long and hard. Why did you break up with this person? You know, what were your feelings for him now that we cleared that? Like, maybe the sex was amazing 14 years ago. And you're like, you know, adapt only I just want to have sex with him and I can do that without strings attached.

Well, then go for it. If it just about sex, but his actions here, I'm questioning his actions. He's not giving you his phone number. He wants to go to your house. I want my acts to show up and not give you his number. Like, I don't know that anyone would be on his house. There's no no. It seems odd to me.

But listen, why don't we shift this a little bit? Why don't you meet him for coffee, out of your house, get his phone number, and meet up with him in a neutral place, share your location with somebody, and meet up with him. That's what I recommend here. Who knows? Maybe you'll find that he is the love that got away. But let's put some boundaries here. All right, Heather, that's what I'm missing here is you setting your own boundaries in this situation. Alright, thanks for your email.

Be safe. This is from Simone 27. Hi Dr. Emily, this guy knows from school and I recently been on a date to get to know each other better. Then the week after that he invited me to a show he was playing. After the show we went out for some drinks, dancing and one thing led to another, we would home together and had penetrative and oral sex. When he initiated the sex, I was hesitant because I've struggled a lot in the past with

the emotionally precautions of hookups, and I've been through a lot of therapy to try and break this pattern. But I went through with Hocking Up with him anyway. The sex wasn't that great and I do not want to have sex with them again. It's been 24 hours since and I'm struggling with feeling hurt, regret and shame about my decision to have sex with them. I'll still see this person around school for the next year or two. How can I start to pass these feelings and make peace with myself Simone? Thank you so much for your email and I'm sorry that you're feeling a shame over after you have dealt with them. Shameovers are the worst. And I don't want this for you either.

I love that you've recognized over your own internal patterns and you've done a lot of work around it to realize how they affect you. I think it's also important to look at your intentions and what you are looking for now. Like are you looking for a more committed relationship right now? Have you been in a committed relationship in the past? What was that like for you?

What have you learned from your past relationships to know what you're looking for in the future? Because the more you can say, like, I'm looking for a relationship and for me to get to know the person, you know, I'm gonna really make sure that I go out some a few times. Like, you could have, you know, people have rules, like three day rules and five day rules. I don't ever declare what anyone else should do. You could decide for yourself, but maybe for you, what you need to know is that this is going to be maybe more exclusive

or you want to feel safer with this person. You know, what have you learned from your past relationships or hookups that didn't work that will help you figure out what you need moving forward? Because maybe it's just these ones that are sort of, that sort of just happen when you don't expect it. So you feel sort of unprepared. That's one thing.

The other thing I'm curious about in your upbringing, if there was any part about sex and shame, like if you ever told it, that okay to be sexual or wait till you're committed sometimes those messages are really loud in our head and you might be shaming yourself for that. The other thing I want to say is that casual sex can be so empowering and it takes a flip of the way we think about sex. You know I wish that I knew in college when it wasn't modeled or accepted to evcasual sex that one of the reasons was because I didn't want the

judgment. And I remember thinking I wouldn't want a guy to walk around saying, Oh, I just had sex with Emily. This is before I even had the show, but they were saying, Oh, I said sex with Emily and they would talk about me to their friends. And that seemed horrifying to me to have that gossip. But what I wish I knew is that I could have said, them, and they would talk about me to their friends, and that seemed horrifying to me to have that gossip. But what I wish I knew is that I could have said, well, yeah, I had sex with them, and I enjoyed it. And it was empowering, and it felt good, and I got my needs back. And it was exactly what I needed and wanted.

And I treated this person well, so they can have their story, and here's my story. And I'm not saying that you should go out and sleep with somebody right now and try this again. I'm just saying maybe you could reframe the ways that you think about sex as an experience for you that is empowering and satisfying and you know, you getting your needs met. And so I'm wondering like, could you think about sex that way because it's such a,

we all deserve to get our needs met during sex. And so thinking about, you know What kind of sex you're looking for now, you know I know that you just had this pattern where casual sex isn't working with your current goals But what kind of you know relationship would you like right now? And what does that sex look like you know really think about? will be a satisfying sexual scenario for you at this time. And practice some self-acceptance right now for the decision to sleep with this person and not be so hard on yourself, which is

easier said than done. But I'd love you to say, okay, I learned from this experience. Now everything I've learned about casual sex on this show and what I've learned from my feelings, I'm going to try to make some decisions that align closer to my values going forward. Alright, Simone, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline,

559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739, a go to sexwithmle.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com