Sex With Emily - Couples Therapy For the Win!

Episode Date: September 26, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about the different types of couples therapy & why every relationship can benefit from it no matter what stage they’re at. Plus she’s answering all your sex, dating & relationship questions. She talks about how couples therapy is actually like a personal trainer for your relationship & why everyone should go sooner rather than later, ways to include intimacy during casual sex, plus, callers join in on the subject of premature escalation while dating.  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morse and on today's show, I'm talking about couples therapy and why I truly believe everyone can benefit from it. Plus, I'm answering your questions on sex, dating, and relationships. Topics and club. Alright, therapy gets a bad rap, but only because we go when things get bad, so why not start sooner, like when things are actually going well? The different types of couples therapy and why we should change our perspectives to look at it as like a personal trainer for your relationship. So you've established a casual relationship with a partner, but does that mean there can

be no intimacy during sex? Plus, colors chime in on the subject of premature escalation while dating and if there can be too much too soon. All this and more, thanks for listening. Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

For more information, you got to check out sexwithemily.com to help you love your sex relationship. And dating needs. We got a bunch there on the site. You can also find us wherever you listen to podcasts. Plus, I am on serious sex and radio stars. Channel 109 Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 pm Pacific, and you can get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com slash SXM or just call in any night. I'll answer your question.

Triple 8, 947-8277. Find me at all social media across the board. It's at sex with Emily. Alright guys, enjoy the show. I often say to you guys, I throw it out there and I'm like, I think every couple needs a little bit of therapy and then there's always usually one person in the relationship or God forbid both. Oh, we don't need it. Therapy's wrong, just for crazy people or whatever people think. But think of a therapist like a personal trainer for your relationship. You know when you want to get in

better shape, you're like, oh, I should just go to a trainer or a nutritionist. I know I've been eating healthy. It makes it so much easier. So much easier to understand, right? Right. Exactly. If you go to a trainer, you're like, oh, I learn. Now I'm learning how to get into the right routine. You guys get married.

We have no one's teaching you how to communicate, how to be a good lover, how to talk about problems. In fact, if you're not a great communicator, and by the way, most of us, it's not like a born skill that you have to have parents who tie you out to communicate, you have to have good therapy, why you should go and hear some things you guys, go before a crisis. So don't wait for the worst thing to happen. So I think that really, like couples

who really are into like their love and their relationship are wanting to preserve it, that's like a smart thing. It's very proactive, but that's the opposite of what usually happens. Most couples wait about six years before they seek help from a therapist. Six years. Six years.

And that's why couples therapy has a lot of low satisfaction rates. It's true. Like couples therapy typically people go when it's really bad. They've already passed that point of no return. And so I think that both couples by the time you get to that point, they're like, this has been going on for years, they've already like exited the relationship in their heads. The reason why I love therapy and I don't think it's

ever too soon to go to therapy. People like, when should we go? Is it, you know, whoever someone said to me, we've only been together nine months, but he wants to go. And I said, yeah, go right now because what therapy does It helps you figure out like are we meant to be together? Are we not and maybe we are but we just don't know how to communicate about this a few things and it's actually like you go to therapy to learn Skills not to find out what's wrong with you. So couples therapy works before you're not in a crisis So how you know if you should go though is like, if you guys are facing the same issues over and over again,

right, like let's say, you know, you've been together a while and you're like, okay, my partner never helps you around the house. And I keep saying like, I'm doing everything and you never do everything. And now you get frustrated because they come home and now they're making a mess around the house and it's really a problem.

And it's been going on for a year or two or three. And you've said things and they haven't made any changes. That's when you go, you're like, I keep telling him over and over again to pick up his shoes. I tell her to hang up her coat. She doesn't do it. Go to therapy and find out why this is making you insane. Furthermore, maybe you've told your partner to initiate sex more and they never initiate sex. And you want to know why or you feel like they're You know what what are the issues people like money issues or you? Like going out on the weekends and your partner only wants to stay home and this has been going on now for a while

Or the money issues you guys money sex and kids you're not raising kids the same way You're not having sex you can figure out how to communicate how to get out of a rut how to work through it because you have In kind of the point of resentment yet. It's just like, huh, it is funny in relationships, we often have the same problems over and over again, and we break up or we get married, and we sell those issues, right? Or something in between.

But if you didn't, it doesn't mean that you can't ever sell those problems if you never worked on it. And I think we're all like hard workers, right? For our jobs, we might go see a business coach, right? We might, like I said, see a trainer. You might get, why not for your relationship, learn how to communicate better if you really love your partner and go before it gets bad?

Which is most of your life with your partner when you've been together. Right. So why wouldn't you want help? Exactly. Working on that. I think people don't get therapy. I think people who've never been have fear around it. And I think that a lot of us feel that we are

unlovable, unworthy. We feel like a therapist is gonna call us out out of all of our bad things that we're hiding from the world because I think we all think in some ways we're really flawed. And I don't know, I just think we expect the worst. And I think that, or maybe someone told you something bad about it once, it just takes a few negative messages around something.

But all I can tell you is that you have to find a good therapist, like there is some work in that, finding someone who you actually both connect with. But most of the time, it's going to help you really fast track whatever your problems are and figure out how to resolve them. Or maybe you find out that you can't. But how great to find out that you're actually not going to be able to make it work and that you leave the relationship of having done it in a way that's healthy with a therapist with a mediator essentially. So that's why I think it's really helpful. But also you guys, I also don't think it's ever too soon. Like I said,

like I think if it's I was just going to ask you like, what also don't think it's ever too soon. Like I said, I think if it's... I was just gonna ask you, like, what if you're like three months in? I know people have done three months in. I thought... Who is super therapy, like, they're like into it? Yeah, what? It's like going to a play one night or going to dinner, like, go to therapy and figure out three months in.

Like, we really like each other right now. I mean, think of how much time you save. So, like, how about, yeah, I mean, like I don't think it's ever too soon. I really don't. I feel like I think if anything, it's just really smart and really efficient. Like if you're someone who's really into business

and being efficient and all the like, you know, everything right now is like for our work week and be a good person and be work harder, not smarter, and all that work smarter, not harder. Like why not do that in your relationship, but why keep coming home with the same friggin' issues? So, what do you think it's great as people feel like if they need outside help,

they've failed in some way? Yeah, just like with sex. They feel like if sex goes bad, which it's going to, eventually you're gonna have a problem in your sex life. I promise that they failed. The relationship goes bad. We should always be able to talk it out and figure it out. But I'm going to guess that you, when you were all falling in love and everything was amazing, you probably weren't

really learning how to communicate about things. Most of us are not great communicators. I would say the most, what this show is about is teaching you all how to be better communicators. I always thought I was a great communicator, but it really, I was just a really good talker. That was really good, like talking to anybody and I was really social, but I was not a great communicator. And I'm still not perfect, but, you know, I'm learning all the time. It is a friggin' skill and it is such a valuable skill. And most of what communicating in a healthy way looks like is being vulnerable in a relationship and being like, I am having a really hard time right now. I really, I really, I really, I really, you know, love being with you, but sometimes I feel insecure, I feel nervous or there's this thing about myself that I think is not loveable. When you say the things

you think you cannot say in a relationship, that's part of communication, but also learning how to talk to your partner in a way that's not going to upset not putting them on the defensive. Like most of the ways we communicate when people are probably listening right now and you can call us if you with anything, you're probably saying, I've told them a million times that I want my partner to initiate sex more, to take me out to dinner more. I've told them that they need to help more around the house or be a better parent or, yeah, you've told them and you put them on the defensive. Remember when you start a conversation with you never do this or you're often doing this

or why do you, no one hears what you're saying. But when you start with feeling words, like I really, I feel when I've asked you these things that doesn't happen, it makes me feel like you don't see me or that my needs are not important to you. Or it makes you feel not loved. I mean, you have to keep it in your court. How things make you feel.

And then the reason why we also don't do that is because a lot of us don't know how we feel. Therapy helps you with that. I feel like it would be really hard to get defensive when someone says that. Because how can you get defensive about something like, well, it makes me feel like it would be really hard to get defensive when someone says that, because how can you get defensive about something like, well, it makes me feel like this. You can't argue with feelings.

I would automatically just be like, oh crap, I'm so sorry, I ain't no. And you could also, right, exactly. Or, but if you're, what the, maybe you would be like, well, tell me more about that. Or the best thing, like you are a mago. A mago therapy is okay. So what's a mago?

A mago therapy is that therapy that we talk about where you repeat back to your partner, what you heard them say. So it's like, so if I said to you, Jamie, we were in a relationship, which we really are. We kind of are. And I say, it's really, it really makes me feel, I put all this effort today, getting dressed up,

we had a date, and I wore this nice outfit. When I came, I put all this effort today, getting dressed up, we had a date, and I wore this nice outfit. When I came in and I made this effort and I feel like I looked right pretty, it would be so nice to have you tell me that you feel like I look good tonight. And give me a compliment. It makes me feel like you actually aren't attracted to me. And then what you would do in the mago there,, you'd repeat back to me and you'd say, so what I'm hearing is, you feel not pretty when I, not loved when I don't give you compliments. And I would be like, well, no, it's more like I feel that I made an effort

and you never, I would never have run, and you'd be like, okay, so you're sitting, okay, yeah, that's it. So it's like, because I would then be like, oh, so something that I had mentioned to you, you tried on and then I didn be like, okay, so you're sitting, okay, yeah, that's it. So it's like, because I would then be like, oh, so something that I had mentioned to you, you tried on and then I didn't give you proper reinforcement. Right. Oh, and then we just made a breakthrough. Exactly.

Yeah. Oh, that's pretty good. Okay, here's a fictional situation. It's a fictional situation. I'm like, yeah, yeah. And then the other part of it is just kind of like saying, is repeating it and then you don't ever want to say I'm sorry You want to be like I understand that that would be painful for you to be in and I'm going to do my best to and then you want to have a conclusion

I'm going to try my best to Really recognize when you've made an effort in the relationship and I don't want you to feel not loved because I really love you Okay, so it's kind of like you Say something and then when you repeat it back to your partner because I really love you. Okay, so it's kind of like you say something, and then when you repeat it back to your partner, you're repeating it back in essentially the way that your brain figured it out, like took it in. It's almost as if you guys are speaking

two different languages. Exactly. But then you hear how it sounded to them and you can see like, okay, this is where I need to change what I need to say. Exactly, because a lot of times we say these things to our partners, and we don't, them and you can see like, okay, this is where I need to change what I need to say. Exactly. Because a lot of times we say these things to our partners and we don't, I was trying to, I wanted to like, re-tie the third part or make sure, yeah, that is.

We don't, we don't hear what our partner says. So my point of it, we're getting into a mago, we can get into it more is that, is that repeating back what your partner says is such a way to feel love is to feel heard Because a lot of times we also go into fix it mode, okay? We go into like let me have I do it too. I'm realizing I do it all I dwell I do it all the time in show I do it my niece who's not asking me for help sometimes she's living with me And I'm like I want to fix everything right but even in relationships We don't want you to fix and they typically that's more of a masculine trait Even in relationships, we don't want you to fix, and they typically that's more of a masculine trait,

women are in their masculine or whoever you are, to fix, but sometimes we just wanna be heard. So to say what I hear you're saying is wow, okay, so what you're saying is, I hear you and I see you. And then also the reason why this is so great is because it makes us feel heard, but also we might not have heard the right thing. So to say it back allows me allows me to be like, correct you

and to make sure that we're on the same page and then how can you forget that conversation? Rather than like, you never do this and you never do that and you say that 10 times over the last month or six months and then you're like, my part doesn't listen to me because they can't hear you

when you're not speaking in a way that's effective communication. I like that because it's like slowing everything down because I feel like a lot of people talk over each other. They like don't even wait for the last words to come out and so that's why they're getting, right. That used to happen to me with like my ex, I'd be like, if you let me finish,

you would see the point I'm actually trying to make and they would be like, okay fine. And then when I set it, they're like, oh, I'm like, yeah, it's not even that big of a deal, just let me finish what I'm actually trying to make. And they would be like, okay fine. And then when I said it, they're like, oh, I'm like, yeah, it's not even that big of a deal. Just let me finish what I'm saying. I think a lot of it just want to be heard. Exactly. We're all crying out for attention.

Yeah, we really are. We just want to feel seen and heard. And like really, it's just like, oh, God, that sounds really tough. You can't say I'm sorry, you're feeling that way. You're just the mago. There's some technical things like if you've done something wrong, don't say I'm sorry right away.

But as long as you just get, if you just get anything out of this, like slow everything down and actually listen to what your partner's saying, because remember this, you guys, you could be what to say, you could be right, or you could be happy. Well, because so many people are concerned with being right

that they don't realize, I think, like you always say, you're like, you're on a team, you're not against each other. You're on the same team. So, if you guys are on a team and you got married and you're together, you're in a long term relationship, you both want to be happy. You don't want to be fighting all the time. Jerry doesn't want to be resenting his wife for 11 years for all these things. He can get out of this perhaps if it hasn't gone too far.

But you gotta listen. There's some therapy stuff, you guys. That's why I think therapy is important. If it gets on that, we did. The real purpose, do it, you guys. It'll help your relationship. And also, sometimes you just need a booster. You go for a while and you maybe do a little booster.

You're like, I get checked. We're gonna go once a month. We're gonna go once every six months. You keep going back. It's a trainer for your relationship. You all know how much I talk about meditation and breathing and being in the moment and how practicing mindfulness can help you have more fulfilling sex. Well good news for you. I can now be your teacher for five minutes a day through the app

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Let me know how you like it. I love it. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls. All right, we have an Instagram question from a woman who's 24. She wants to know how can I have more intimate sex with a casual partner? More intimate sex with a casual partner. So I think we all define intimacy in different ways. And so I believe that casual sex doesn't have to be something where you're playing the cool girl and you're told you're a loof.

I think that this is a great time for women to realize it's not just about your partner's pleasure, but it's also by your own. So if there's something that you want even during a casual encounter, however you define it, maybe you want more eye gazing. You want it to be a little bit slower. I say you just tell the person and you ask them or you show them what you actually want

in bed. Now I know that casual relationships are not for everybody and it can actually take a little bit of work, but it has to be a really good communicator and know that like it's okay if it doesn't work. Like people often ask me like, Emily, I want wanna have a one night stand or I've had some, but they really freak me out. I feel really bad when the person doesn't call and every time it happens, it might not be for you.

But for other people, I feel like, I feel like for women, especially, we have heard this a lot. And I know this to be true actually, that there's, you know, there's science behind me, that when women have casual sex, they typically aren't having the most pleasure they can have, measured by having orgasms, by being more comfortable, because what we require often is safety and feeling like we actually really know someone and they care for us.

Now that doesn't mean that in a casual encounter you can't have that, but it definitely takes some learning on your own of what feels good to you, what you actually would like to happen during sex, and then being able to communicate that to a partner, whether it's a one-off partner or a partner for life. Do you feel like people in casual relationships don't often confirm what that means. What casual means? Yeah, I feel like people just assume there's like this, like casual is the same for everyone.

Yeah, casual sex can be defined in so many ways, like friends with benefits, a one night stand. It could be, you know, your ex sleeping with your ex. It could be, you know, an affair sleeping with your boss. Like casual sex is a huge umbrella term. Yeah, but I mean, like, so how can you get on the same page, like what without it?

Talk about it. I feel like it would scare people off. But so what, see, listen, this is what you got, why don't you let it all understand? Is that the sooner you define, you have a conversation with someone, you DTR, which used to mean like,

if I define the relationship, then I'm needy, and then they're not gonna like me anymore. So I'm just gonna have a bunch of casual sex for the next six months, three, whatever it is, and waste a lot of time not asking for what I want, but I think it's actually really empowering and like redefining what it means to be, you know, the cool person, like we had a bunch of women calling it,

I'm trying to be the cool girl. Well, help out just saying, you know what? This is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something casual. How I define that is it would feel really good to me if we could see each other once a week and have a sleepover on Saturday nights and we know that that's what we're gonna do.

And throughout the week, I'm not a great texture. Like define, I'm not a great texture, so I probably won't text you every day and then the other person has a chance to say, well, I actually need a text every day. Okay, so then we can compromise on that. But really, I want you to know that I'm seeing other people. I mean, whatever it is that you're looking for, the sooner that we feel comfortable defining

what we want in the relationship and that we want, want, and bed, the more quality relationships we're going to have that are more, you know, that are going to feel more genuine to what we want and the more pleasurable sex we're going to have. But I think a lot of us are like, casual sex is really the fun, we get really drunk, and we just hang out, and it's great, but I just think that we don't actually take risks, we don't think that we can actually make efforts

in those relationships, but I think if you can define them, they could actually be a great, especially if you don't have the emotions involved. You're like, this isn't for my forever person, this is my three month person. It still doesn't mean you should suffer waiting for emotions involved, you're like, this isn't for my forever person, this is my three month person, it still doesn't mean you should suffer waiting for them to figure out your body, like tell them

right away what you want. I think that is empowering and that is hot. And that's confidence. It is hot, it is empowering. I mean, I don't know, it's casual say so funny because I feel like I'm a dick sometimes. In my casual sex relations, because I'm just like, I just do. I'm like very like, know this, touch me this way.

And sometimes I try to say it's sexy, but I think sometimes it comes out like an order. Right. So, to know that about yourself. Well, you always listen timing also is everything. And this is what I tell you even in long-term relationships, just because you guys are listening to this show

and you get really excited to have the sex talk tonight with your partner of 20 years when you go home It's not like okay. I've been listening to sex with Emily I ordered all this bondage gear and I got toys and all these things and I want to spank you and stick this thing in my butt Like no, it's like slow it down So even if it's casual jamming you're out of the guy like like that guy you went out with once and you were like practicing Yeah, you're really excited. She's like this is what I need and this is what I want. I do.

What did you say to him again? You're like, I need to be on top and I need to dominate it. I don't know. I said, oh yeah, okay. I do remember. I said because I am very dominant in the bedroom, but I would like to be submissive. However, I'm also very impatient. So if someone's not getting it, I just, I'm like, roll over,

like, I'm gonna do this thing. But I told the guy, I was like, what do you like? He told me not very much, but he told me. He's like, what do you like? And I was like, I want someone. I want someone to dominate me. I want them to put me in my place. Like, take charge, throw me down on the bed,

and then be about my pleasure, but make me do things, you know, that kind of stuff. And then we went back to my apartment to have sex. None of that happened. Like I was on the bottom and still doing all of the moving. And I was like, how is this even possible? Right. Well, because here's the thing, we are in a sex bubble here at sex, then, so guys, 25 years old.

Yeah. And you're saying to him, I want to be I want you to make me I want you to be submissive and do all the things he had no idea what you're talking about I think you're pretty tomorrow. So it's more like when he said to you. What do you want? You could say? Well, you know, there's a lot of things they want you know what I find interesting Do you know about like? Dominance and submission and he would be like, no, what does that mean? Well, and he might have to like meet people where they're at

And he would be like, no, what does that mean? Well, and they might have to like meet people where they're at. That's true. We forget, Jamie and I forget that people don't like, they're not where we are every day. So I think it's also, that's what I'm saying, you meet them where you like ask questions because even when you have partners calling the guy on the pad,

and like you haven't talked to your partner about this ever, find out what they're into. Tell them a little bit of it, and you gotta build up to these conversations. Yeah, that's why I only went out with them twice. Okay, question. If a woman, I'm just like opinion, I guess, is what I'm asking for.

If a woman knows so much about her own pleasure, do you think that can come off as intimidating to other partners? I think it can become, that's why we just see you guys, I don't think that we need to spoon feed it, but I also think that if you're with a partner who is been living on this planet for so long, you guys can call us with anything, triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven, that there could be certain ego, like if he's with a man,

right? It could be some ego bruising, Like, I know exactly what I want, and this is what I want you to do, then all of a sudden, you know, a lot of people feel insecure already when they're having sex. So it's about toning and timing. Something in Jamie's case,

like she knew exactly what she wanted and she gave it all to him. And then she's like, what do you like? And he's like, oh, shit. Well, I think she has done first. I had him go first. I always have him go first, because I know that I know they're going to say I don't know

whatever you like. Or hot. What do you mean coyote? Oh, I mean it can be really hot if someone knows what they want. Yeah. I'm going to show you until you completely release them. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, it can't be hot, but I was the first thinking about how intimidating it can be.

Yeah. But then if you're like,, rather than just like stating it, it's really, I think, a confident man that you'd want to be with. He would think it was really, for many men, they're like, thank God you know what you want. That is, a woman who knows what she wants is sexy because they're trying to figure it out and wailing around and most, a lot of women don't know.

So yeah, it can be really hot to show them. But I think it's more of like letting them know that this is what I want and I'm also going to not expect you just to do them, but I think it's more of like a letting them know that this is what I want And I'm also gonna not expect you to do it, but I'm gonna show you. Yeah, I'm our patient. We can be patient help you guide you Yeah, but no, I think if you scare someone away, they're not your person. Oh true Looking you want the one who's like tell yes, I mean, I mean, I find that the more you know We all say that confidence is lemon. Any of, confidence is the sexiest thing in the bedroom. So you want to meet that match.

It was like, oh yeah, girl, bring it. Oh nice. That guy circled back like three months later too. And I was just like, no, bro, I'm not going down that road again. He said, what was I thinking? He's been like, need deep watching conditions. Well, because I was totally like, because I could tell he was in his head too.

And then I was like, dude, we could take a break. Like, I'm really chill. I'm like, I'll get some water too. And then I was like, dude, we could take a break. Like, I'm really chill. I'm like, I'll get some water. I'll get us some chips, you know? Take a snack break. And then he left feeling all weird. And then I was like, right before I went to New York for Valentine's Day.

And then when I came back, and then like three months later, he's like, hey, do you want to hang out again? And I was like, not really. That ship sailed. He had his chance. Yeah. I don't know. But I mean, sometimes for me at least, I can explain what I like in the bedroom, but I

also don't necessarily always want to have blue print sex. Yeah. I have to map it out so much, because sometimes it is really technical. And I don't know how to make that more flu-flowy. Well, I feel like it's telling stories around it. It's showing what you want. If there's like a scene and like porn that you'd like some hair colustrum, I'd have done something with it.

Or you might have them read something on the website. People learn differently. People learn by listening, by watching, by hearing. And like giving them more information, I think is the best. And like, check out this scene. I think this would be really hot, because most people will not have any idea what you're talking about think about the world We live in oh, I was just thinking about your book like your book hot sex was actually one of the first times like I was

I like saw something in learning was like okay This is something that I could that I already know that I like but I could show somebody instead of just like telling them Yeah exactly like here's a room. Here's what it looks like here's where my leg goes Yeah, exactly. Here's a road, here's what it looks like. Here's where my leg goes, and your foot goes, and this is what's gonna happen. I think that people are open to that. And I think also it's just a matter of, it's a tone not having these expectations

like I can't believe you didn't know this already. It's like, here's what's right. It's interesting to me, what do you think? But I think that we are, we're not used to talking about sex. So many of us have no experience, no one taught us anything. We've never had a partner who share anything. So you have to just remember that you have to like, do it in the tone that's accepting and warm and being open to it.

They want, rather than just be like, I need this. So you're out. I hope I can always work either. It doesn't. No way. That does not communicate well. But no, I just, that was what you were saying. I can just send guys blogs on the site.

I don't know what happened. Dude, I did that. I used to do that, and I'm like, read this. That's what we're talking about. Check out this oral sex thing. We're going to do this tonight. Read up.

Yes, this came to us from a shun. He's 48 in Louisiana. Right, tie Emily. I have a dilemma regarding online dating slash introduction. I met someone on a dating site. We exchanged numbers after a few messages. Initial conversations have been great, but we have not actually met yet. She shared a photo of herself in a sexy thong and bra. I was shocked she sent a picture of that nature so soon, so initially

I really didn't say anything other than nice pick. After a few more conversations, I made a comment about the picture and what I could picture myself doing to her. Very sexual comment I will admit. And she was extremely offended. She said, says that there is more to her than sex. How could I come at her like that so soon? I am completely confused. Yes.

We get this because it is, first of all, I get this is confusing. It's all about timing. Like here's the thing. I understand why dating right now is very confusing. Like she sends me a picture. Exactly. You get a sexy thong and it's brawn. And of course she is sending that photo.

She's saying, look at me, we haven't met yet. This conversation is going well. I'm choosing to send you a sexy photo. And then we walked this through, we're trying to figure out the scenario, we're talking about it through the show and it's like, okay, so then what happens? He could at that moment reply back and just say like,

which he did, he said nice pick. Mm-hmm. And that was, that was a good thing, nice pick. Yeah, fine. Then they continue to talk and just chat, chat, chat on the phone and then boom, I don't know where after he sends a picture three days ago, he's like, I can't wait to, you know, do this thing, what I wanna like, who know,

we don't know what he said. Yeah, but even if he's admitting himself that it was very sexual, then it was probably graphic. It can't wait exactly. And so here's a thing, here's what I think. Because she sent you a picture. Does not necessarily mean that she wants you to respond back with what you want to do to her body,

even though you're thinking that. And I think that's something that a lot of men go to being, the way they're thinking about things, like, oh, if she sent that, I understand that's suggestive. But here's a thing. And this is how I feel, and I think you might agree with this. If I have not met you in person,

you've never actually had your hands in my body or seen my body, I need some foreplay with words. I need some warm up. I don't, it feels kind of aggressive and a little bit violating. If he was like, well, I can't wait, but I want to slap that ass and lick that, whatever they would say, would feel to me,

like it's too much. But then to say three days later out of nowhere. Well, that's that is really the thing that caught my eye with this as well. Because yes, she sent a picture. Obviously, she knew she looked good. That's why she sent it. And he says nice pick. I mean, I'm not saying he should have gotten super sexual right after that picture, but he could have said, I guess maybe something a little bit more, but then to randomly just bring that up out of the blue, a few conversations later is just very like wrong, just wrong time, wrong timing, wrong timing.

It also though, that is the wrong timing, but what if he said it initially and said that too, I don't know how it would feel if he said it right away, either. I don't know that I would ever want him to even right away talk about my body personally, even though I said that I can't wait to tap that or something. Yeah. No, I think that, but I mean, so how? Because I don't think he obviously didn't realize that he was doing something wrong here in that situation.

So how could you do things wrong? And here's what you got to do, you guys. Is that, I think, just like four play, just like, you gotta go slow. Like, if you gotta have the build up, you gotta always just like dirty talk. You don't want to start, this is what I'm gonna pound you. I'm gonna do all these things to you right away

when you don't know the person. So you want to start with like, you look great and then you want to build it and see if they're open to things. So I just, so here's what you do. I, you could have done. I've been thinking about you in that bathing suit. I can't stop thinking about you. And then she says, yeah, what have you been thinking? To me, that's a clue. Well, I've been thinking about how your body would feel like you got to build up. But just to go too dirty, too fast is it's like you, and I think this is a great lesson for sex that we often go way we go into sex too fast.

Start pounding away too fast. We don't warn people up. So but there's no way that anyone knows the answer to this. This happens all the time. This happens on dating apps. You send a first message. You chat for a few minutes and like I mean they could photo or you look really hot or what I can't work to do to you.

Now I know I some people might be encouraging that or might want it, but I feel like I understand why, in this case, for everybody, the best lesson is to just go slow and get to know someone, because I also think I get that you wanna do that, but I feel as a woman, it feels like a violation, you don't even know who I am. You can't see me yet, how do you know that?

And the initial sending of the picture whilst, obviously confusing, doesn't necessarily mean like, yeah, I'm for sure to have sex with you because you haven't met yet. But in your your opinion, Emily, like how, how could this person, let's just call her Jessica? I don't know what her name is, but let's call her Jessica. This person, let's just call her Jessica, I don't know what her name is, but let's call her Jessica. Like, how could she have maybe also handled the situation in the sense of like,

well I'm not saying she's exactly. Sharing the photo first, because that is a confusing message, I feel like. It's a really confusing message. I think, okay, here's my opinion. I personally don't send photos. I don't send naked photos. I don't send naked photos. I don't send even partially nude photos.

I feel like getting sexual with someone, even mentioning it was someone you've never met in person and sending the photos, maybe he asked for who knows what happened, but I feel like it's better just to take your time and meet someone in person and if you are texting back and forth and back and forth for days and they're talking for days, this is the problem that you can't help but in your mind creates a scenario of who this person is and this sort of false sense of closeness with someone. So I think before you even get to the point of sending pictures and getting sexual meet the person first, I don't even think that any of this should be having overtax before you meet someone in person or you talked to them at least you face time with them.

This is a waste of time. Completely. You never get that time back that you spend building it up, or you talked to them at least you face time with them. This is a waste of time. Completely. You never get that time back that you spend building it up and then you kill it with a dick picked prematurely. We're all wasting time. And we're not really getting to know anyone. So I think it should be a mess at that point.

No, it should. And to me, the really most interesting part is that you would hear the situation and assume if there was no ages, they were in their 20s. He's 48. Exactly. This is stepping at all ages. It's just, I think that it's a matter of, I don't think, I would love to hear from women if I'm wrong. I'm wanting everyone. Men, women, whoever's listening, Triple 8, 9478277, I'm curious.

I'm just speaking from like women, I most, you know, I feel like in most cases it's better. Even if I do send a sexy pic, which I support women doing whatever they want to do, I don't think I'd want to hear back right away what someone wants to do to me sexually. I would agree. Yeah, and I've only done that with boyfriends. Right.

So if you've never met them in person, it feels to it... Violating to me. All right, guys, we're gonna... Oh to me. All right guys, we're gonna, take a call. Yes, we have Patty, 21 in California, who wants to know, why would she be sending a picture of herself and then get mad about the comment? Let's get exactly. That's what we're getting to. Patty, there's so much on Packier.

Hey Patty, thanks for calling. Hey guys, I'm actually 41. Oh, 41. Okay, got it, exactly. No, Patty, I got it. You're right. Wait, there was a lot here I was like I had so many things to say about this you're absolutely right why would she she sends it

and then like she's asking for it she's asking for him to make comments like that why would she even Send a picture like that to him you know without even knowing him meeting him in purpose or anything like I wouldn't I wouldn't do that You know she's asking for it. Right. So I'm not going to, I'm not going to defend her. Right. No, I understand. It's confusing.

So what are the rules then? That's what we're saying. I feel like there are some women who are like, no, I'm just sending it, but my, this guy should know. He should know he shouldn't have gotten too sexy too fast for her. So what could she, you know, what to do do if she wants to be respected she should respect herself first you know you know it's I have have you ever sent a photo patty have you ever sent a photo of yourself oh of course to my husband and like you said to a boyfriend right but that's because you already have history. It's the history. That's exactly it.

The adventure, yeah. It's not going to be offended if he said, oh yeah, I want to do this to you because I'm sending him that picture because I want to know what he will do to me. Exactly. Like you're like, that's why I'm sending it. Hello. Like I'm trying to elicit that conversation. She didn't have the history with him yet. I get it. Thanks, Patty. You're right. Thanks for calling. Appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Yeah, I mean, this is the, this is

I think the weird line here because there is, it's so delicate because it's like, yeah, she sent the picture. So obviously, like in my mind too, if I sent a picture like that, I would expect certain things back. But it really does depend how sexual did he get. Maybe it was just really graphic and she was like whoa, bro Maybe it was the wrong word maybe it was the long long language because it last girlfriend like when he said like I'm gonna like Exactly do you know your pussy or something is she's like oh, I'd never used that word

I mean we don't know what range, but that's why you got to just like dirty talk You got to try it out first. You got to like test the waters. Yeah, and I think her response too, the saying like, how could you come at me like that? I'm more than just sex is kind of weird. Well, that is weird too. I think that is weird because she did send a picture in a thong, but I think that where it's very confusing because maybe that's just how she's been, she's separating that from sex.

She says, I'm trying to show you who I am, but the fact that you still, it's very confusing message is women have. We want to be desired so intensely that our biggest for so many women, our fantasy is to be dominated. So a man's overtaken with his lust for us and he can't help it, like throw us down on the bed because he wants us. But yet, we want to be looked at for more than sex, which is very confusing messages I

understand, which is why we're trying to unpack this every single night. Mm-hmm. And we have a Christine, 30 in New York, who says she's a feminist, but she thinks this woman is overreacting. Oh, hey, Christine. Hi, and I don't even agree with so was your reaction to this. Okay. You know, because we talk about, you know, consent. You know, it can send so important.

Well, she didn't get consent that it was okay for him to respect. Like, we assume that men want to see some risk for a photo of us necessarily. Right. Yeah, usually they do, but I'm just saying it goes both ways. Like, oh, absolutely. Expecting the most, it's kind of, it's not.

First of all, I personally, I don't, I'm not intresting, I could photos of myself to strangers. Same. It's something that I'm not intresting, make it photos with myself to strangers. Same. It's something that I'm into. That's cool. But for you to send or, you know, they read just whatever, whatever I'm going to photo, I tell you it's like, you've got some intracure.

Maybe I understand this in the norm. That's the norm these days, maybe. And it's kind of honestly said, I think if you're in a, if you meet someone, you like them and you're into them, it's not whatever, but like if you're sending to a stranger who you need, you don't have to get pissed. You're going to get pissed and bickety, what kind of response you guys? Right, exactly. It's nothing with the guys. That is, I mean, it's just, I mean, but like again, the consent.

Exactly, and we don't know, you're told he's right, it. Exactly. And we don't know. No, you're totally right. It's like, and we don't know that he might have said to her, send me a picture. We don't know that he didn't ask her to send a picture. He said, she shared a picture of herself. But still, I think it should be consensual. I'm saying like women, at least I never, I'm just sitting around waiting for some guy to send me a dick pic.

Like, oh, you know, it's three o'clock on a Tuesday. God, it'd be nice to get a dick pic right now. You know, I don't, I think that we do want consent. I think it's shocking. And I think it goes both ways. You know, we want to say, like, oh, you know, it's three o'clock on a Tuesday. God, it'd be nice to get a dick pic right now. You know, I think that we do want consent. I think it's shocking. And I think it goes both ways. You know, we want to say, like, do you want this? Ask for it. And then I also think, yeah, if you don't know someone

that, well, I want people to understand that if someone, whoever receives that photo, I've been with so many men, guy friends, and they're like, look what I just got. And they show me the picture. Somebody will see that photo of you. And you don't even know this person. So yeah, I got it. I got it.

The dorm they say for young CVL is perfect. Like, you know, I understand it's about empowering to see what you're going to buy your body, but this isn't necessarily being that you have to put image about into the atmosphere. Yeah. I've had guys that get to who hasn't. I've had guys that get to the picture in bed. Did you want it before you were with the dick anyway?

I just right we don't want it. I got it. All right. Thanks for seeing we got a wrap. I so appreciate. Thank you Okay, everyone. Thank you for listening supporting the show sharing it with a friend Come on Don't you think your friend wants to hear all the stuff you just learned share with them review our show wherever you listen We so appreciate that and thanks time amazing team Ken Kristen, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, Elisa, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.