Sex With Emily - Cracking the Code on Female Sexuality with Dr. Drew

Episode Date: October 5, 2016

On this show, Emily is joined by friend and colleague Dr. Drew Pinsky. Together, Emily and Drew work to crack the code of female sexuality and help listeners navigate complicated concepts around sex, love and true happiness. What kinds of questions should we be asking about our sexuality? How does a woman’s pleasure differ from a man’s? Is there an easy way to quell sexual insecurities? These are just a few of the hard-hitting questions Emily and Drew delve into. They also answer a wide range of emails regarding everything from toxic relationships to daddy issues to oral sex refusal and beyond. Female pleasure is an important topic and Dr. Drew and Emily are here to break it down for you piece by piece. If there’s something holding you back from fully enjoying your sexuality, then this is not a show to miss. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. In today's show, I'm joined by Dr. Drew Pinsky, a friend and colleague who I've had the pleasure of working with at Loveline. And you might know him from celebrity rehab, teen mom, like a gazillion other things he does, a bunch of podcasts. And we're going to be talking about a really important topic today and also answering your emails. Thanks so much for listening. My friends at Joe recently asked me which of their products was my favorite. Obviously

that's really hard to say. They have so many options. I mean, am I supposed to pick the organic? I mean, I like that. The silicone, the flavored. So they're watching me struggle to pick just one. And then they interrupted and said, okay, Emily, if you could make your ideal loop, what would it be? Well, what a question. But then it got intense. They said they would actually make it. That's right, they would make a loop that I want. This is literally a dream come true for me. So I said yes, but on one condition, they had to consider your input as well. So here's the deal.

I need you to help me create my dream loop to be a part of my dream team. Go to sex with Emily dot com slash dream loop and take our short survey with your input. Joel create the next great loop in their amazing lineup. To sweeten the deal, Joe is giving away price packages to 10 lucky participants. I know you're thinking, but Emily, that's gonna take a while and I need Loub now. No problem, hot pants.

Go to my store on sexwithmoe.com and shop the entire Joe collection, including the amazing natural love USDA certified organic family. Couldn't be any easier. Buy Joe Loub for now, take the survey to create my dream loop for later. It's all on sexwithmlle.com right now. Eyes that block our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them in a fight on day Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend?

Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand, oh my The women know about shrinkage Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so grown

Being bad feels pretty good But you know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can do so many awesome things on our website. You can subscribe to the show, which you should totally subscribe. You know what's easier? It makes life when you just subscribe and they're there and you can like listen and then step away from the podcast and go back to where you were. It also helps us.

We love when you review the show. Tell your friends about the show and also follow us. We love when you review the show, tell your friends about the show, and also follow us. Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram. It's all at sex with Emily and also Facebook.com. We've hit over a million likes a few months ago and it keeps going up. So thank you for that and subscribe to our newsletter. And finally, you can also download my show not only on iTunes, but Google Play, SoundCloud, and Spotify. Oh, and finally, you can shop with Emily. You know I'm always talking about my favorite toys,

we're gonna find them. Well now you can find them all on my website, sexwithemlee.com. So just click on the shop with Emily tab and it's a good time there, you know? And I'm here with Drew, hi Drew. Hey there. Thank you so much for coming in.

I forgot how much I miss working with you and then how great a picture you are when you start pitching, man, I want to buy all the, I want to do all those great things. I want to go to Spotify and download my, download your podcast. It really works, you really want to do that. I just like, at least the best sales I want to have ever met.

I'm not selling good. Thank you. I would do a fail. And your 18-zillion podcasts. Thank you. But it would be a full-time job for me to go on every podcast that you're doing right now and do that. But I would for you.

Oh, thank you. Because I care about you. And yeah, so we're doing a very special show today. I want to cover the topic of female sexuality. Yeah, to the exact way I'm doing it. I'm more interested in things, because things are changing so fast for everybody. And at the same time, same old problems prevail, right? The humans are still just humans.

But I'm wondering what kinds of things people want to ask that they feel uncomfortable asking or can't get answers to in a day and age when answers to everything or click away. Oh, that's the really interesting thing about female sex in general, is that yes, they're click away. But what they're click away, but what they're finding is a lot of porn. Yeah. They don't even really know the questions to ask. Right.

They didn't have a lot of great sex education, which really hasn't changed at all since I was growing up. Right. So yes, it's a click away, but again, they don't know the questions to ask. And then people don't want to get very deep, the same side. Their sexuality is a very profound expression of intimacy in the self. And all kinds of aspects of who we are as human beings get mobilized when we're in that situation.

Or not, but when they do, people don't know what's going on. They get confused. They do, they get confused. And especially, the thing for me that's been coming up a lot lately is that I So I personally Personally around this topic. What Yes, I'm coming up for me personally. I'm saying you're dating somebody new people know about that on your website. Oh God

I mean, yes dating dating new new ish. Yeah, are you gonna destroy another guy? I'm not gonna cancel him but you put it back together they're all fine Drew they're all done they're happy no I know you we got them glued back together they're all again I'm trying not to destroy I know you know I'm much you can't help I can't help it no they're sweet I'm nice they get a lot out of it I feel like it's like my parting gift like you might be destroyed temporarily, but it was worth it. So where you see much of my gave you what it was. Yeah, I get it I wasn't feeling good about the destroying, but you know, like you know

What some I'm just thinking about the effects of like drugs or hurt your brain or something It's like was so fun, but I got hurt anyway. They got hurt But then they healed. Yes, and they tend to go on to get married after. I think I'm actually setting men up for success and not for failure. Interesting. They have to go through the rock bottom after breaking off with me. And then they're fine. Yeah. Right.

Yeah, we haven't lost any men in this study in the subject of my life. But I was thinking about, oh, I have a quick announcement before I get into what I'm thinking about, which is a lot of things. Drew, you know how much I love Loub, right? Like, I'm a Loub pusher, I love it, because I think there's a lot of stigma around Loub, and people don't use enough Loub. So Joe, I'm going to give you before you leave here,

like you saw my sex closet. We have your Loubs in our drawers next to our bed. I know, I appreciate that. But this is a new Loub. So Joe, they make this great Loub, which you don't have yet, and in our drawers next to our bed. I know, I appreciate that. But this is a new loob. So Joe, they make this great loob, which you don't have yet, and I'm going to give you something. They ask me, what would be your dream loob? And they're actually going to make it.

Wow. So I need the help of my listeners to go to sexwithemily.com slash dream loob, take our short survey. It's like five minutes, and your responses will help Joe create a brand new loop that we design together. And then 10 lucky participants will receive a Joe prize package worth $100. And what kind of stuff would be in the ideal loop? I'll tell you this, section of the.com slash dream loop

or click on the dream loop banner. Well, it's interesting because we've already gotten about 80 responses, we just put it up the other day. And, you know, we're asking, do you want water-based, do you want silicone, like what thickness do you want, how long do you want to last, do you want flavors, do you want to flip top, do you want to pump, like everything needs to to loop.

And just in the short while that we've been doing it, like 24 or 48 hours, Laudhu will want to loop to last longer, because loop does not last long enough, and they want a pump, which makes sense. You want to be in to last longer because the loop does not last long enough. And they want a pump which makes sense. You want to be in the moment and be like, wait, hold on, let me unscrew the top. No. And so there's a lot of different questions like that.

You can take the survey as well, Drew, and be part of it. So everyone do that. I appreciate it. But let me introduce you first because I've listeners all over the world. And though you are internationally known and renowned because I have traveled with you before and I know this. I mean, I know this. I mean I know this intellectually but also like being in Mexico. They found your fans too. Yeah, we did find you're so cute

there's like two people that recognize me like 85 million that recognize you but they did I had a few fans but um like okay you've been practicing medicine. Okay so my stuff is I've been practicing medicine for 35 years. I'm an internist I sort of a I had the hospital-based practice and outpatient practice and then I ended up Running medical services in a psychiatric hospital and that morphed into running their addiction services for 20 years So I've done like three careers and one and all the while I was doing love line on radio and that sort of became this sort of separate thing This had a life of its own I did it for 10 years thinking I was just doing community service, just really trying to

get about HIV and AIDS. That was the original goal. And it became a thing. It became a show on MTV. And then I thought, no, I'm doing more TV. And then these guys showed up wanting to do something called celebrity rehab. And we did that. So people, they'd be familiar with that. And then MTV, we've been on MTV Continual Season 1996. It's kind of amazing. Yeah. And they came along and said we're doing this show called 16 and pregnant, which now is morphed into teen mom. And I thought, oh my god, that is going to have a huge impact on young women and pregnancy. And it did. It had exactly desired effect. Yeah. And then I've been on CNR and HLN for the last five years. Yeah. And now you have like 18 million podcasts.

And then yes, please go to Dr. Dr. Dachon. That's that, please my wife. And they're all really good. Like they're all like top rated. Yeah, yeah. I do, Adam, if you're a love line fans, Adam and I are back together. Yeah, we do a podcast, they call it the Adam and Dr. Drew show. I do my own podcast.

I do a podcast with Bob Forest, who is the guy with the hat and the glasses from Sleby Rehab and we, it's called called this light but all that stuff is at dru.com so please go to that. Okay can I tell you a really fun sign up for the newsletter sign up for the email there Dr. O'Connor slash contact. Exactly and it's all this also all be on my website as well. Here's a funny story about 16 and pregnant so I was pregnant not in time so my best friend who is actually Stacy was on the show a few weeks ago. She was in San Francisco Somebody I don't know. I didn't know all your friends. I know

I just go no no you love her, but she was only offered two days so She reminded me of this that when she was she was 40 impregnant and single dating guy who's kind of a douchebag He was like 29 years old and they ended up having a baby together and he thought she like so she got We spent a marathon weekend she used to run this this magazine and she got like a free hotel room for two nights a five star hotel in San Francisco because we want to review the spa it was actually it's the Rosewood Hotel it

was actually a Palo Alto yeah it's like a five do you know the Rosewood it's a Rosewood I know the all like the Maraud the Montauge and right it's the same thing it was such a nice thing. It was like beautiful outside. And she just like, she had too broken. Like, she heard a leg. It was like pregnant and miserable. And though you're watched merit, so we stayed inside for two days

and watched 16 and pregnant. But she's like 40 and pregnant and single. I'm like, well, it could be a lot worse. You could be 16 and pregnant. And we use that show as kind of like a solve to make her feel better that she could be 16 and pregnant. That's nice. I just want you to know where you're starting. Did you see the shows? I do the

reenactors any of those? Yeah, then I did. I did. At the very season, I didn't know you then. I know. Now I know you. It's like this. It's like this. But now I like know you. And I'm like, but anyway, I thought that was funny. Because we used to laugh. I'm like, well, at least we're not that. Okay, so back to the issue. It was not about the guy I'm dating and whom I'm gonna ruin. It was about here's what I'm thinking about, which I will not. Let's hope I've moved past that. So when we're talking about female sexuality, I've been thinking a lot lately about this

because now I'm, I have a lot of friends, because we're in a different generation, a lot of the millennials. People love talking about the millennials, but I have a lot of friends now and family members who are friends who have kids who are between like you know 18 25 and they all are now few of them kind of me for questions because like I meet them like hey you know I want to talk to you about sex and what I realized is that I've been actually really upset about it because these are friends of mine who are like smart, educated, feminist, the parents. The parents, yeah.

But yet their kids are saying to me, yeah, I had sang in these some like 17 year olds, I had sex, it's not that good. I don't really understand it. I mean, like, I'm having sex with the condoms just hitting up against me. And like, it doesn't really feel that good. And then I asked them about masturbation

and they're like, what is that? It doesn't, you know, so And then I asked them about masturbation. And they're like, what is that? It doesn't, so that's some of the issues that I had. I thought I didn't have any sex education. I mean, it was all about, don't get pregnant, don't get an STD. And it was never about female pleasure. It was never, none of that. And it still isn't.

So I thought in some ways, it's sort of the same issues. And these are people who have parents that I respect and admire, and that you kind of would think, I kind of feel like in some ways a lot of people have women especially dropped the ball talking and family is talking to their kids about. Well, think about this, it's very hard to talk with kids about sex, right?

And it's extra super hard to talk to them about female, you know, the pleasure aspects of it. I mean, that is a pretty high-order task. And it's almost as though it needs to be talked about in a more abstract way, and not so much about sex and more about female sexuality, per se, and how it evolves, and how it works, and how to master it. And we need to educate our males about that too, because you do not need to have these conversations about the males. They are having their pleasure all the time, themselves, and with whomever they can find. There is no issues getting that, because that the biology drives all of that, terms of

the epiphenomenon that the men get into, they get all kinds of weird stuff now because of porn. Both rights. They're either addicted to porn or they get, they have sexual dysfunction because of that or they have expectations about women that are bizarre and run realistic and so they have their own stuff. But the women's stuff I agree with is always interested me more because no one is ever really honest to women about how nuanced it is and how it evolves. It's not the same thing at 17 as it is at 30. It's not. It gets better. It does.

And it's not just because you have more experience. Your biology changes over that time too. And your safety and relationships and your choices and your confidence in your choices and the depths of intimacy that you achieve and No one ever ever ever ever talks about And it's what's talked about is your suppose as a female magically be the same as a 17 year old male and And a few women are it's the other crazy thing about when they're all over the place, right? They're not everyone's different And they're like a 17 they want sex just as much and they may respond as easily They may work as them as easily, they want sex just as much. And they may respond as easily. They may orgasm as easily and they may join just as much. And that's a pretty small number.

Very small number. Very small number. Yeah, right. There's the other thing I didn't mention, that these women, they're all, the other key point with these women that I've talked to the young women is that they really don't understand sex, but they do what they do all believe is that it's about, they're pleasing the guy. Which is, it's not his pleasure.

And they're doing anything they want. And that's bizarre. And they can't wait for it to be over. And they fake it, they're pleasing the guy. It's about his pleasure. And they're doing anything they want. And that's bizarre. And they can't wait for it to be over. And they fake it, they're on their periods. If the males really knew that, to be fair, the men are under the influence of a drug, right? They can barely think. They're so.

Oh, they're so messed up by testosterone. They might as well be on oxycom or heroin or something, but they're speed or the combination. Whatever, right. But they would be shocked. Because what we're doing is telling males and females, you're the same, the same, the same, the same, the same. It's the same. They want the way you are.

They're the same, the same, the same, the same. And it's not the same. And the males, you can teach them that. They can't understand it because they're so deep in their own stuff. Right. But they could be sensitive to it. Right. They could be sensitive to it.

We're not talking about that. And then they're also watching porn and that's and you know We don't get into the whole but we all know that like not totally bashing porn But I'm just saying when this is the only way that they're learning about sex. Yeah, don't don't assume we're bashing anything We're not just we're just yeah, I am we're interested in people Being fulfilled and enjoying themselves and whatever and whatever their choices happen to be I'm not interested in bashing or telling anybody how to live. That is not my job. But in terms of the sort of discomfort and unpleasantness and mistakes the people get into,

we are interested in that. Yes. Absolutely. Like this is what they get into. They get into it because I think a lot of the women are pressured that, you know, the guys like semi naked pick and they watch porn thinking they have to look that way and be that way and it's just that's the only thing. The sexting thing is a whole other Sex yes exactly Well, I think we'd have to get a email get some emails. We've got some emails I actually have a sex in the new story that I want to get into. We do a sex in the news segment Every week you gotta come on the show more so you know

Okay, done and done young now that I know where this hideaway is. I know, isn't it great? Yes. It's a sexy little spot. The people, no, it knows. Nobody knows. No, what if I'm gonna have like sex with Emily like stalkers? No, I'm gonna have to stalk her.

You will. I don't want one, but I'm saying. They're no fun. No, you've had stalkers. Oh yeah. Right. No, we don't want people coming by, but we love you. Just don't step by without asking.

Okay, young people, okay, young people are having tons of bad sex, a recent study by the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles has shown that millennials are having really bad sex and often. More than a third of sexually active men between the age of 16 and 21 and women of the say page are unhappy and having bad or no sex. The good news, if you're part of this group, there's a lot you can do to turn things around. Much

of the bad sex stems from your mindset going in. So, well, because they're my, you know, what does that mean? I think it means that their mindset going in is like they don't really have a lot of information about it That they think that they have to already be experts and using their partners and they need to know We'll get to some of these emails when they're like I'm so insecure about my level of experience And then I'm gonna be judged. It's like how can you be great at sex if you haven't had sex and their mindset going in is that like I'm supposed to you know last forever because like I saw him porn and we're gonna be having a gangbang she's gonna bring me to her friends and be squirting all over the place out. I don't know what they're thinking now. So

the men said that their anxiety is over finishing too soon. Yeah. Which leads to a rectile issues. And women, this is the main thing that is like I felt this way and that just continues. I know I pound on the table. Women haven't socialized to be very passive and disconnected from their sexuality. Many women don't even know what they enjoy sexually, so how can their partner give them a fraction? But here's the deal. This whole idea that it's due to socialization, I think that's first of all flawed. I'm not saying there's no socialization, there is. You can't socialize a male to disconnect from that biology. No matter how hard you try,

you can hit them with an ax, it ain't gonna stop. So this whole, you gotta understand that. So if you don't accept that difference that women, because it's a more delicate biology, they can be socialized, they have to be encouraged the other direction. I mean, literally the million, you can roll up your newspaper and hit them

like the dog for crab- Right, you can do that. It's not a disaster. They will not stop. They cannot stop. It's just impossible. But for women who are for women, they need to be encouraged not, you know, rather than discouraged from. And I think that's a good social. Encourage on because you said here doesn't their passive and disconnected from their sexuality. Yeah, try to disconnect the male from the sexuality. I go ahead. You can but the women are going along with the men their passive like that's right. That's right That's a huge that's the problem. This is the entire problem huge mistake. And here's the other why do they do that? Because we don't know any better no no, but think about it. I didn't know about masturbation

I didn't know forget forget your own sexuality taking back seat. Why do with the male wants? Why not do what you like do what the male wants? Like to want to be accepted. We want a popular There's something else there. I don't know what that's all it is when you're a young girl And you think that this guy the captain football team is gonna like me I better send him a naked picture. I better give him a blowjob In fact, I can give him a blowjob and I don't really have to like I'm not gonna get pregnant And don't you don't your male friends come blow job and I don't really have to like, I'm not gonna get pregnant and like me. Don't your male friends come along and go,

hey, don't do that, it's not gonna make you a... Well, male friends in high school. I'm gonna say, maybe that's what we need. Yeah, we know, it's the guys that wanna sleep with your very accepting friendship. Yeah, the friends zone guys are not, you know. But those guys can also be good. They're not though, Drew, no one in high school knows.

I didn't know about the test dot until... The guys know, guys know also be good. They're not though Drew, no one in high school knows. I didn't know about the test out until. The guys know, guys know what's up. The guys know what they don't care. They want to get, they're in under influence of a drug. And they want, they're assuming you're willing to come along for the ride, that's because you want to because you wanted as bad as they do. They think we do, but we only do it to be liked.

But that's, you got it, somehow we got to tell them that. Did you know what to do with that? Did you know what to to teach the women that that doesn't how you like it like right exactly You make it some attention that way, but you're not gonna get like that way and they don't really understand that and they don't They're the same because this is the thing about the study It could have been written 30 years ago. I mean the only difference. I think is that it's more visible now because of social media Because it's all because of porn the other media, because of millennials, because of porn. The other reason is they don't, there's no courtship culture.

Everything is hooking up and hanging out. And the idea of dating is like, like, then you know what they're talking about. No, no one's dating in college. Right, and so they just hook up and hang out, and so you never negotiate relationships. You never sustain a relationship over any period of time You never figure out what you want in a relationship and so all that's just missing

Well, I don't know how do they learn that when it really they're not even see is this in college now They're none of their friends are looking I mean I had like zero monogamous Well, what I do when I do in college I often go and by the way, we're not talking about everybody right there Playing people listening to go that's not me. I. I'm able to have relationships and good on you. Fine. But what tends to happen is people tend to glom on relationships. They go the other extreme. They get retreat into a relationship. So it's more of a clingy, love addicted relationship, right? Which is, you know, if you have sex at a young age and you're the intensities of all that can get you stuck with somebody. You get very stuck. Well, it's just very confusing and I don't think that the messaging is right.

Like, traditional parents tell kids, you know, sex thing that happens when two people love each other very much, like sex equals love. And so that's just what, but that's sort of like an amorphous thing, right? That's what they're saying or my parents said, I mean, if you have any questions, just come to me. I didn't know what the questions were. I didn't even know to ask any questions. What should we encourage during a young group last? Are young women? I think we have to encourage the young women to

to say to spend more time figuring out what they like, masturbation. When I talking to groups of young kids, what else? I'll just challenge them about alcohol. I go if this whole hookup and hangup thing is so working out so well, why do you have to get so wasted all the time? Well, we could talk about that. Yes. Why do you get so wasted in order to deal with this?

I mean, when people dated, they would date without getting wasted. When was that? But, now when you date, when you think about it, if you wanted a date, you wouldn't get trashed. No, you might have a couple drinks, and I would get trashed, right? But to deal with a hookup, you might really drink.

People binge on alcohol to deal with that. Right, and they lose their inhibitions. That's right, and so I ask them, why do you do that? It's such a great thing. Why do you love it to do that? Because it's not so great, because they're not confident, and they're really insecure about their ability to perform. That there's that. But then when you dig one slice deeper,

what they always say is, well, I want to make sure I don't have any feelings. And then I ask the males in the room, do you hear that? Do you ever do? Why do you guys drink? Well, there's nothing to do with our feelings, and I mean nothing.

So they're drinking the right, to get the girl drunk, Tevzak? Well, there's nothing to do with our feelings and I mean nothing so they're drinking right to get the girl drunk Tevzaks. No, no, no It's that they're things this anxiety of having to deal with this and maybe get rejected and they don't want to hurt somebody But they have to dedicate that away too They have to all their anxiety has to be completely SAUST and the women want to make sure they don't have any attachment and the guys are shocked when they hear that Because they're assuming that the women just want to attach

They're the same they're just anxious and what I have what I said no With that no touch I mean I think that the shows that were all just really scared especially these young kids to be vulnerable Yeah, you know to be themselves with their partner. Yeah So like they're still in that self-loading, which sometimes lasts a lifetime, but we learn how to deal with it. But you know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to be hurt.

I don't want to attach. Of course. He's got a lot of kids from, you know, I don't know. And they're ways to navigate that without hooking up and getting wasted. You could hang out with people. They date somebody, spend time with somebody, and then you might choose to sleep with them or not.

Exactly. But they just leave that piece out. I just don't want them to, yeah, exactly. How do we change this, though? Because again, being sexually, being, you know, giving bloat, whatever it is, being sexually active is a part of being accepted right now. Like, you kind of have to do it. So, um, I'm, isn't that something?

Isn't that something? It is true, but I'm wondering, um, that I wanted us to be real quickly about this. If you think, and then we're going to get in some emails, because we got some great emails from our people, our listeners, who I love. But how do you think this has changed in like the 35 years you were doing love line? Women's questions around sex and that. The questions back, way back, were much more naive. They were just mechanical almost. And really a lot of STD questions. I mean, all of that was shrouded in mystery. It was called a venereal disease.

Just the terminology we use. That was terrible. It's, you know, even just a yeast infection was called the maniliosis. Maniliosis. Actually, I like that better than yeast. Can we bring that back? Sure, which is a candidate, candidysis.

Candiditis is better. Candiditis is better. Yeah. But it was all shroud throughout in Latin terminology, and only doctors talked about it, and the antibiotics were all injectable, and it was just very bizarre that we, it was all shrouded in this dark mystery.

And so knowing it ever heard of most of these things, and it went understood what all you heard was the clap, and crazy shit like that. Well, where is the clap? It was just like, kind of real. Kind of real. We're just making a comeback. But it was not even, how Lua, that was that?

I missed it, though. Gold, not a real. They're getting resistant as what's happening. It's getting resistant to the end of backs. It's all bacteria will. But it wasn't even clear if they were talking about syphilis or gonorrhea, or that no one was ever educated in what these things were and how to transport them.

And then the other thing, the borsar thing that came along, there was herpes became such a preoccupation. Like, and as soon as I were talking, I went over and I were talking about this, he goes, why is it a big deal? That is itchy rash. Why is that a big deal? I mean, HPV causes cancer.

People should be worried about that. They should be getting the vaccine. For God's sake, why? Absolutely. At age 28 or 20. Up until 28, but the optimal of efficacy is like nine to 12. You get them in childhood. All right, in my kids soon as soon as I can get it, I got it for them. Right. Okay. Um, but we decided it's because the name is so gross. Herpes. It's

just a gross. It changed that. Well, it's just a family of viruses called herpes virus. Chicken poxies. Herpes. Chicken poxies. Right. Exactly. Zoster shingles as herpes. I mean, it is all herpes. We need to change the name of the category. It's also, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's No, that's true. Because it's so mild, as opposed to it's something that causes cancer or pelvic inflammatory disease, all these things, it really serious. One people are preoccupied with is a non-events. It's true. Which is weird. And they're all like, you know, HPV everyone has it,

but you're right, Herpes, they're. And now they're saying, that I was talking to Dr. Bruce Hyshover, remember Bruce? Dr. Bruce. Yeah. I didn't even know it was Hysho-Rasha, I don't know that, but I don't know Dr. Bruce. From the Coral Network.

And he said he's got a friend in a works in a in the in the in the Empire here in Southern California, works at a uh, uh, obstetrical clinic, prenatal clinic. And he said 50% of the women there test positive when they tested them 50%. That's our commoners. And most of them don't know that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I can believe that. But what should we still be? And we still should be practicing safe. Yeah, yeah, of, of mean, I can believe that but what should we still be and we still should be practicing safe? Yeah, yeah of course of course, okay, because the point is there are there are some nasty things out there for sure It's a good time now sex Okay, um, we're gonna take quick quick break. We're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors who we love and you know that everybody who sponsors a show

I have tried their products. Drew might have tried their products. No, but everyone here- If I have my wife has. Yeah, we're gonna go shopping in the closet. But seriously, it helps the show. And again, you can trust everything that I say in here because it's tried and trusted and true. So thank you for supporting the show and supporting our sponsors. We'll be right back.

I like putting effort into my parents. I mean, I wanna look good. Who doesn't wanna to look good? But I don't have a lot of time to spend getting ready. I mean, I'm lucky if I can get out the door with my hair dry, some lip gauze on and find my keys and cell phone, you know? But sometimes just not enough.

If you're anything like me, you kind of feel naked without your brows done. Does that happen? You're like, something's off here. But who is time for like, four-step brow kits? I mean, I don't. So I'm always looking for the products that could do it all, do it well, and do it fast. So recently, I started hunting for the perfect brow product, you know, in all my spare time.

I found the Boy Brow from Glossier, and as soon as I saw the words Game Changer, had to try it. The Boy Brow is a brow pomade that isn't like gels or mascara. It's a creamy wax formula and it gives you the soft, flexible hold that never gets crunchy or stiff. And the best part? It's so simple. You really don't even know how to do your brows, thank god, because when you use the Boy Brow,

you just apply it and brush your brows. The little mascara brush thing included, it's so easy and my brows look amazing, like I'm getting compliments, you're like, I love your brows Emily, which is awesome, that's how you know you bought the right product. The Glossier Boy Brow comes in three settle shades, blonde, brown, and black, and I don't know how I ever got by without it. I mean, how often is it all the amazing reviews where product are spot on? Oh, and it's only $16. The folks at Glossy have set up a special discount for sex with Emily listeners to save 20% off your order,

which is awesome. Go to Glossy.com. That's glosysir.com and use code Emily at checkout. Okay, everyone, we're back. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm with my special guest, Dr. Drew Pinsky. So that you're here. I know me too. We don't see enough of each other.

Even though we went to a fancy party. Oh, that was a fun party. It was a great party, right? Okay, so we would go to this fancy party and it's like, it's, do you want to say your agent? It's a big, uh, Emmy party with a lot of important people. Right. And we were hobdombing with, uh, crazy.

A bunch of celebrities who I don't recognize because I'm starting to want to be it so bad and you know I moved to LA but Emily made my night for you know this oh, Madison knows you made my night for it because I'm a big fan of the show Unreal and Constance and I'm like oh my god, I'm such a man. And you're like oh, yeah I gave her a vibrator last week. I'm like I know her like I know her hold on I'm gonna help you we're gonna go over you were a Sheree's house right? Yeah, Sheree Apple being used the star unreal, which is a great show on what on what shows Life time it is an amazing show about reality TV producers and But the funny thing was like did you see that was no

Who was it? I don't even know oh there was so many so many to seal and I you were like Oh, there was so many. So many things to seal. And you were like, huh? It's so worth it. Our letters are two inches away from them. And then I took a picture of me and some model because Mike would freak out. Did Mike freak out?

Yeah, of course he did. Yeah, Mike had the word. I mean, it was just fun. I'm like, oh, God, and then I'm beating myself. I need to watch TV. I need to watch for TV. And then all of a sudden, unreal, I know your success with. So Sherry Applebee is one of the stars of it.

And I went to her baby shower shower and because we had met doing some comedy show and I brought sex toys to everybody and I like show them all the stuff in constant Zimmer who's also on the show was there so I happened to know her so she was like oh my god I'm like I'm gonna introduce you to somebody we ran over there and she knew of course loved you and that was funny thank you for that. That was a fun party. It was really fun. And we made a way around pretty good. I know.

There were lots of really, really important people. Oh, Jeremy Piven, you're like, he comes up and says hi to you. He's like, do you know that is? I'm like, Jeremy Piven. My party was familiar. Damn, he's so cute. That was fun.

We had a good time. OK, but now. All right, so back to female sexuality. My head is spinning a little bit, but it's something we just touched on, I really didn't get deep into it. We got a, you and I need to dig into this research a little bit, I mean, why are women so disconnected? It feels like it's a complicated topic.

It's easy to go, they're not socialized to be, or they're socialized not to be, it feels deeper, it feels more profound. I feel like they're really disconnected because there's so many insecurities too, body image issues. They're not really comfortable. They're confident, but then they take their clothes off and then they gain two pounds, you know. You know what it is with me? Whenever we talk about this, I get sad for women.

It makes me very sad. They, because women take on so much, they automatically do that. We've got to, that's what I would alert you on women about it, say don't take it on, but it's not your responsibility. You don't have to make the guy happy. Make yourself happy. Don't assume, don't do inventories on yourself.

Look out there first. And good to take responsibility for things, sure, but you're not being kind to yourself. But I don't know how, unless you get into the schools or you get into the parents' schools. Or podcasts, we talk about it. But I don't know how unless you get into the schools, or you get into the parents' parents' parents' Who would do podcasts? We talk about it. But you've three kids.

I mean, it's hard to talk. Kids don't want to listen. Like, even my niece when she was 15, and I know, and this is what they do. They're like, I don't know. I don't know. I was like, my brother left the room, so I could finally get to talk to her

because I knew it was the age. And it's like, for years, I was like, listen, honey. I know you know what I do. And I'm going to say this, and I'm going to say it quickly. Don't ever have sex as anyone or do anything sexually because you think they're gonna like you more. But sex is-

Simple as that. That's the starting point. He was like, we were at Sunset Tower having dinner and my brother went to the bathroom for 30 seconds. So I was like, listen, it's about your pleasure and masturbation. I'm like, he was like, I'm like, listen, I don't know if you're gonna like

but you should. I'm like, why don't we go there? Let's go. Okay, so we evaded together, which is awesome. So I was like, so it's about your own Okay. So we have a dinner together which is awesome. So I was like, so it's about your own pleasure. So figure out what you like, the boys are going to like, in fact, I respect you more if you know what feels good to you.

So I want you to masturbate, I want you to figure out and say, okay, but I feel like that's kind of what you need to say. Why? Anti-M has changed a lot since the Wizard of Oz. Right. No, but really, right. But I feel like that there's just so many insecurities. But that's the starting point to me.

That's just the starting point. And there's just something else going on here that's sort of profound. And it is something to do. Here, this is my instant. Tommy, let's get this to the bottom. It's something to do with our desire for equality of this axis.

Because we have a weird thing in this country where equal opportunity under the law equal pay equal equality the workforce somehow goes all the way to therefore we are equal in all respects. We're not equal in all respects. You're shorter than I am. You have darker hair than I do. We're different in lots of wonderful ways.

We deserve equality of opportunity, quality of access and everything guaranteed equal to flourish in the context of what we actually are, which is this rich soup of all different kinds of people. With the XY chromosome versus the X-X chromosome, some really interesting things come along with it. The X-X, you know I believe, is a better form of the human being. Madison's giggling. I believe that. Stop giggling. It's true. Yeah, it's true. It is true. It's you're using more of your brain, you're more resilient. There's your

M.P.E.s you. More of certainly what we need in our world today, that's for sure. And to tell them you're equally exactly the same as a 17 year old male is undermining what is rich and amazing about that. So we have to like, we have to support that somehow. And it has to be like a move might or something. Well, I would let's start the movement now. I mean, I would like to sit down maybe it's outside the schools. I think it should be. I really want to say to them like, here's your bodies. Here's how you understand it like it's about you know Because they're so disconnected from their own bodies and their own pleasure and like what makes them feel good

And they've expected I'm telling you I can't get I would say in the zone of what makes you feel what makes you feel good I'm a little bit What makes what feels good to you? How do you feel good? How do you gain happiness? And we don't even know what happiness is in this country anymore? No, there's 18 books right about happiness. And they don't even define happiness. They don't start from what the hell are they talking about? Because happiness is illusion. You're not supposed to be happy all the time either. People think I'm happy for a second and then I'm not. But that's a whole lot. Do you want to indulge your ADD for a second? Yeah, go.

Always. There is there is hedonic happiness, which my heroin addicts experience every time they take a dose. Right? Woo! Feel good. That's not very good. Is that a good life? No. It's not a sustainable happiness.

It's pleasurable for a few seconds, but it's empty. As opposed to what's called U-dimonic happiness, which is how do you lead a good life? And it turns out giving to other people, empathy, connecting, all that good stuff. Right, giving back. That's what real happiness is from. It's true. It comes from.

Now, I would argue, and I think you're particularly your audience that deep into that you dimonic happiness is a proper physical connection with somebody. Absolutely, that's how we do our best work and how we grow, but yeah, we're not really learning that you dimonic happiness is a proper physical connection with somebody. Absolutely. That's how we do our best work and how we grow, but yet we're not really learning or teaching people how to do that. And they don't have great models. What about the fact that all these kids today, a lot of them come from divorced families.

50% divorce rate. Yeah, and then so they have no faith in relationship. No faith in relationships. Why should we even get married? Look what a disaster was. You saw a lot of them. I went to 18 divorces and my parents alone back and forth and but different parents. And did that affect you?

I'm doing it. I'm totally normal. I'm fine. The weird thing is true. It didn't affect me at all. Which is so weird. I'm always in anomaly. We should study that next. But yeah, it affects you and you have to figure that out how it affects you. You have to be honest with that. That's why therapy2 and a young age. So is there a way in these schools? Because they're going, what are you laughing? Because it didn't affect me at all. I was destroyed, man. Pity me up. Not destroyed. I was called a man eater for a long time ago.

But they survived. Yes, you're right. They did survive. There's humans that are happy. They did not die. No one dies from rejection, okay? People, stop, forget that. Nietzsche would say. That would not destroy me, makes me strong. Exactly, it's so true. And I feel like my, so yes, I would let it go.

The real boat is in the art of war. That's what's not to destroy me, makes me stronger. I'm kidding, back to war. That was the actual thing. I got it, but it's still about life. All the things that were so hard of my life, I'm grateful for them. And truly, truly, truly, I would not be who I am,

as independent as like, I mean, of course, as tough as like resilient, as I wouldn't have been in therapy for 20 or less. I don't want to, you give, but that's part of you, Dhammata Cappings, was gratitude for what you have. Right. Whatever that might be.

And also the wrong attitude of happiness that you have to be happy all the time Ordinary misery I've been telling the story a lot lately. Well two things apparently when Freud came to this country They were like Dr. Freud. What do you plan to join here? He will be the study in America he goes well I like to just think find the difference between real mental illness and ordinary misery And then and then and Woody L and has a thing in Annie Hall, which happens to you in the day.

Well, you know, my favorite movie ever. Well, they were in the bookstore when they first met getting to know each other and she's going, you know, you have weird appreciation about death. You know, and he goes, well, he goes, I think the life is divided into kinds of people. There's the horrible, like people have had, you know,

cancers and cervical spine injuries and the rest of us, the miserable, the horrible and the miserable, that's so. He's absolutely right. Yeah, I mean, and if you go back to, you can read all the new age therapy psychology, the 15 happiness books, it really all goes back to the Buddha who said,

there's a universal love suffering. We are all going to suffer in some way. That's so upbeat, so awesome. Dude, but it's true, it's like, we are not gonna like suffer in some way. I think it's so upbeat, so awesome. Dude, but it's true. It's like, we are not gonna like suffer with her life, I believe. How are you gonna do with that suffering? Yeah.

Because it's in our minds. And then everyone else springs from there, but it's like this illusion that everything just to be so great to ride the waves. That's right, we don't want to feel anything uncomfortable. Another fun thing is that my friend and I always joke, my friend Charlotte, who you met, we would joke, we were like,

things are great, she's a vet, we joke. Everything's amazing. And then I'm like, yep, but misery's right around the corner. Because it's kind of true. Just so I know, I think it's good for people to know that like to think that every day is gonna be perfect, but you do your best. Make me anxious.

I'm making you anxious. Talking about misery, so I brought it up. You, you diverse to, you, you, you, you, you, you, you do your best to do your best to do your best to do your best. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I, you, you, you, you, you, I ADD this out, yes, I did, I composed this out. Okay, well we can go back to, we can answer emails. Yes, do that, do that. We were also saying what we should do,

we're gonna, these emails are gonna help. Right, do it. The more specific, the more specific we can be and the more questions we can answer, the closer we'll get to the bonus. Perfect, okay, so thank you everyone for emailing me feedback at sexwithelm.com. I love you.

You gotta hook up, you gotta start taking phone calls. I know, we need to take. You got to hook up. You got to start taking phone calls. I know. We do. We're starting to take voice mails. So we have a lot of them. Now phone calls. I know we've, we kind of got that one. You can do with Skype.

You can do with Skype. We have a plan. We have a plan for it. But what we're doing, Tyler. The next time I come up on the show, you're going to be doing phone calls. Okay. Yeah. And look how easy this was.

I know. I figured I'd have figured it out with the department. I still forget my car. I'm afraid something break into it out there. No, it's fine. We're not like in the hood. Like in West Valleywood. What's going on? No, okay. Okay. Someone said no, we're fine. We're safe. Okay. So feedback also you can leave right now on our website. We're gonna ask Emily thing. You go there. You can just easily email straight through the website. We're also taking your voice mail messages, which are fun.

A-18, ask SWE-1. This is all on the website. So remember your name, where you're listening from your age, it just helps to know how to do that. Because my wife runs my website and my podcast over there, I want to remind you, please go to Dr.Ru.com. She'll be so happy if you go and support that website to make visits and go on the contact. The email list, she'll be so happy.

Yeah, I mean, you give great podcasts. We do, but Susan's so excited about, you know, expanding that and doing it. Yeah, she's been doing great job. I'm sure after listening to you now, if they haven't before, they will do that. And if not, I'll guess get really mad at you all. Okay, good.

Okay, we've got some subjects, we've got some emails here. So here we go. Hey, Emily, I found your podcast and we could go, and I'm in love. Thank you for all of your wonderful advice. Last night, I was listening to the episode could go, and I'm in love. Thank you for all of your wonderful advice. Last night, I was listening to the episode, Dating, Maiding, and Pulling Out. And we're surprised by your reaction to something one of your listeners wrote to you. You talked about a 26-year-old nudist who was dating a 40-year-old man and seemed kind

of concerned about the age difference. Maybe I should explain my own situation. I'm a 25-year-old sex-positive female who had an emotionally absent father because of this I've always looked to older men for love and acceptance. I'm independent self-sufficient all other areas of areas of life, but this has been a point of internal conflict that I can't seem to reconcile a few weeks ago I'm at a 49 year old man who shares my same kinks But it is also kind and offers me what my father never did. A safe place to share my feelings and needs. So my question is this, am I in a dangerous emotional territory?

Right now we're looking to be in a friends with benefits relationship, but also open to seeing what it develops into. I've had success with FWB relationships in the past, but this one has started to bring a ball out of repressed daddy issues. From my past, because of the age difference, should I look at this as a healing experience where I finally get what I wanted from an older man? Right, here you go. So, what do you think, Lauren?

All right, it's complicated. Actually, I'm probably more complicated than she imagines. Reenacting the deficiencies of our childhood does not work. Does not work. You end up being re-traumatized. So, I'm going to bet because you are reenacting an abandonment, this man will oblige you by abandoning you. And he's already set it up by telling you he's not into a real relationship. So you have decided that we'll see what happens

here. He has decided we'll have a kinky sexual relationship. And you are going to get some intense feelings, which you're already alluding to. He will not reciprocate them would be my prediction. And even if he does, he probably can't sustain it. And you're going to feel all left behind all again. It's going to retraumatize you all over again. Now, if you, if this does blossom into a real love relationship and it works for you, it's still risky for you because that's how it's going to work. It's different.

The priorities, the kinds of things you're concerned with your life are so different. Now, can it ever work out? Yeah, I'm sure it can work out. I'm sure people will send much emails to Emily and I go, no, it's not working out. It's happening. It can't, but you can sort of see how this one is set up,

not to. It's set up not to because when people have traumas in their childhood, they're attracted to. This is a nature of the human being. We are attracted to people and circumstances that are just like the people that engage in the original trauma. So I know from my clinical experience

that this guy, she's cast him in the role of dad that's going to leave and he will leave. And can she ever heal the trauma through reenactment? It just can't happen. It just doesn't happen. So that's why you want to therapy. Because the guy that she actually needs to be with is not a guy like her dad,

because those are abandoning males. Right. That's what most people have to do. That's right. Well, it's what she's trying to do, because she was abandoned, and that's what the trauma does to us. And so you've got to be with a guy

that's really deeply, intimately connected to you, and that will be very confusing and uncomfortable to you. And what most people do in that situation that have her history, they sabotage it. Right, exactly. They sabotage it. And then we tend to read, that's why when we say like, what can we do to help young women now with sexual sexuality and growing into it? I think a lot of it has to do with treat your trauma.

Treat your trauma because you know I've been doing all the six somaticas sex trainings. I've had I'm with in this room with women who are in their 30s, fouries men, two who are like, they have trauma. It's not dealt with and they're 35 going, why can't I orgasm? Why can't I trust men? The guys are like still dealing with some horrible rejection from college and feels like the women will never

like more family stuff. It's inner child. It's trauma. It's abuse and it will not go away. I'm seeing this. So that's why I want to get when they're young, like women when they're young, like men too, but like get into these issues and like therapy.

I mean, I don't think, I mean, listening to the show is very helpful. Listen to your podcast. And then we're not saying you have to go to years of therapy or something wrong with you. We're saying these are common problems today and they can't, they don't work themselves out or to the extent that they do work themselves out. I won't say they can't work themselves out because a mild version can of course, but they tend not

to and they're so easily treated. They're so easily treated. But it's just interesting. I don't even know what the analogy is, but like you literally could go 20 years doing the same exact dating patterns. If you could nip it now early on. Yes, and that's our recommendation, Lauren, because you're 25, you've got plenty of time here. And I understand this is exciting. And if we're treating something like this, we go, you know, what you need as a trauma survivor, you have to think butterflies, not lightning bolts.

Right, so I'm just quoting you on that. Yeah, you want people to quote you all the time. Anderson sits here on the podcast, like, well, Drew says, Drew says, it's really cute. It's sweet. I ran into him on the podcast like well Drew says Drew says it's really cute It's sweet Raining to him on Hollywood Boulevard like two nights ago. Ram. He was going to see Deant word Really? Yes, of course he was. Oh my god

He's great. Why were all the people in the the teddy bear outfits or whatever the hell they were they were sort of furry looking What was that all about? Diabbert is known for their like really extreme What was that all about? Madison. Diana Hart is known for their really extreme fan base, and they do a lot of performance art, like it's super freaky inside. All right, well, they were. They were all over the place.

Right, if you're going to see them anywhere. Madison fit right in. So it was the all dressed up like a fur. Sorry, I missed that. That would have been great. Okay, dear Emily, I have no words to describe how much I love your show. Your guests and everything you do on your podcast. I will listen for a while now.

I'm 24 years old old and I've never been intimate with a guy. I meet people but I get so anxious and shy about my lack of experience that I ultimately don't pursue any kind of relationship. That's a growing population right now. This was something everyone is a hurry not to be 20 years ago. Exactly. So that's why it's different too. They're not looking into the relationship. But what's interesting to me is that they don't once they get, they sort of seem like they're pretty comfortable and secure, but then they can't get out. They can't

get out of the the virginity. The virginity. Yes. And a lot of women are, well, I'm not going to go, I'm not following you down this ADDP. Okay. Let's add to the email, which is weird that I'm redirecting. But okay, lack of experience. Okay. Here's the, I meet people, but I get so anxious and shy about my lack of experience, I ultimately don't pursue the relationship. I don't know whether it's best to tell the partner about my lack of experience or not.

Should you read my question, please give me some advice. Thank you, big kisses from Europe, Regina. Ooh, good here. Yeah, European. And so, I mean, this is such a common question, I get from men and women that they're in their mind, their lack of sexual experience are holding them back from putting themselves out there.

Like, they think that they have to be like this, and that's just one part of the same thing. But they've got to be like, first of all, if you've never had sex before, how can you be amazing at sex? Like, no one's expecting you to know everything, but again, I think going back to porn, they watch some think, I've got to be doing all these tricks.

Right. And I would think a little deeper about maybe there's something else going on that made it easy for you to be a virgin. Like maybe you already had some body images, or some intimacy, whatever, and sort of think about, you know, was this pretty easy for me? And if so, I wonder why? Why that was more easy than perhaps it should have been. So look at those issues that they may be resurfacing

in some way and they're not obvious. But the other thing is you need to know what the male perspective is on this is. They could not give a rat's high knee about your ability, right? Here's what they don't. They're just happy you're touching their penis. Oh my God, they're happy your heart is beating and you're present, that's what they don't. They're just happy you're touching their penis. Oh my God. They're happy your heart is beating

and you're present. That's all they care about. But in fact, the heartbeat, some of them, oh, I'm sorry. Right. But there's a, but there's, from the male perspective, what do you think their man would worry about with this girl? Performance anxiety. No.

What? That he's doing a good job? Nope. Whether you can have sex at all. No. What? That he's doing a good job? Nope. Whether you can have sex at all. Nope. What's he worrying about? He's worried about the responsibility of being her first. Oh my God.

This is going to mean it has to be a relationship. And I'm her first. I know that's a big deal to her. Some guys think this. Oh no, it's a common thing. Even guys that are animals still discos to their head. And they'll just rather not deal with it and they just move on.

So do you think she shouldn't tell them? Well, first of all understand, he's not concerned about your body or your performance. Okay, so she's not even about the wrong things. He's already decided that's all good. And what he's worried about is, I don't want this to be super intense. I don't want the responsibility.

I know she'll always remember me as my first, and then I'll be the guy, the first guy that comes in and takes off. And so you better be really clear with him about what you want. Right. You know, this is gonna be a big deal for me, or this isn't. I'm ready to get rid of this,

and don't worry, I won't worry about my first time. Well, nobody here, what do you think about that? Okay, so that was another thing I was gonna bring up is that there's all these studies now saying that young women are saying, I wanna get rid of my virginity before I go to college. I just want to check it off the list because I don't want to have this anxiety around it. I don't even care if I know them. I don't care if I'm blacked out drunk.

But again, if you're having to black out drunk, that tells you you do care. Number one, and then number two, I don't care if sounds a little defensive. Whenever you don't care, you really care because you're writing me an email. But you said, when I, when you were writing me off and then I was cutting you off, but what you said was, um, you said, this is an issue. Emily said, this is it. This intimacy thing. It's because they don't want to get intimate with anyone.

Right. There may be some anxiety about intimacy generally or the intensity of it or something. And by the way, when you're 17, that's healthy. Right? That's good. It is too intensive. It's not a bad instinct at 17. And 24 if you're still relying on that feeling, you gotta go, you gotta take yourself by the hand and maybe not let that prevail. Okay. Because it maybe it's sort of a, maybe it's grown into something more than it needs to be at 24.

And she can also nip it in the body, go to there. Because this will continue this anxiety. I would say you're not 17 anymore. You're 24. Let's get on with it. And if it's going to be a big deal, warn your partner. It's going to be a big deal. And let him decide if he wants to hang around. Do not worry about your body or your performance. He is overwhelmingly pleased with that before the sheets

are open up. Exactly. Before you get to the sheets. We'll be all worried about like they have to, and I just don't understand. It's like saying like doctor, like your first year of medical school, you've got medical school, you should have been a perfect doctor.

Like things to have great sex takes a long time that's why this way studies about women later in life. I saw a guy today who I literally had to say you were aware that most males first time out have sexual dysfunction of some type. Most males significant majority some kind either too fast or too slow or rectal dysfunction or something that almost very common first go around. Yeah and they're gonna worry about either way it's good, it's probably gonna happen.

So like just don't worry about it. If I can tell you that it's easier said than done, but you're right, and women aren't necessarily gonna enjoy it. Which is, again, I get sad whenever you say that. The women's second thing is that, I know what my feeling is like, and why are you doing it? Because believe me, the guy is really, really,

really enjoying it. And it's not just for him. Well, that's, but you gotta find a way to be the joy of him. This is the point. This is our mission. Yeah. How do we get women to understand that sex is for their pleasure and that it's not just for their enjoyment? So they need to teach them that.

Well, again, some of the stuff we've said already, I don't want to repeat that, but it feels like we need a place to think, come and ask these questions. Let's do like, I think so too. To a talk show, we do that. I would love it. I would love it. I would love it.

I mean, you know, we're doing it. It's done. Campaign for it, everybody. Okay. Yeah. Because they were sort of like, women need a clubhouse like a place for women going. A safe space. Yeah.

You know, because then there was a study about, you know, sex education in America is great. But it was saying in Dutch, the Dutch system of education, they talk about pleasure. And they teach too, and they're having much pleasure. And children are seeing media seen as an asset, an ally, and all this. Not that kids aren't seen as the enemy, they're seen as the companion.

We're helping altogether. Yeah, I used to do a lot of this work back in the day. I don't know, well, we still do it. I'm glad you're here. OK. And we used to use the Dutch example as work back in the day. I don't know. Well, we were still doing it. I'm glad you're here. And we used to use the Dutch example as the one we'd point at, particularly in this term, the relationship with media. Well, I'm going to Amsterdam next week and I'm doing some next week.

I know. I know I haven't gone a lot Tuesday. No, but I forget. My name is Jealous. Germany. Come, come. Germany, Amsterdam. You're great.

We'll talk after. Okay. Hi, Emily. I'm so happy. Hey, McCrosser show an iTunes. It's really open up my mind and I enjoy hearing you openly talk about sex and relationships which more people need to do in my opinion. Anyway, I need some help.

Over a year ago, I was in a toxic relationship. He was manipulative and never opened up emotionally. We had a ton of sex, so that was never an issue, but I felt a huge disconnect. He ended up cheating on me with an axe which left me feeling super shitty and ruined my trust with guys. This is interesting. Ever since that relationship, I feel like I've had a huge trust issue, and now I'm the one who can open up emotionally. I still have sex with guys, but I leave you before things get intimate.

I need help. I've enjoyed my single life. My self-love life is perfect, but I do want to eventually have a relationship again I just freak out whenever there's a guy that may actually be into me. My perspective is so distorted Hope here for you to do what you're doing much love summer 22 North Carolina. Summer is a great candidate for therapy She would really get better so fast. She really would but she might want to read books by PMLity because this is in that zone of sex and love addiction where she's really great with the sex and can just do it and no problem but then she gets into deep and she only gets in deep with a guy that abandons and here we go into the cycle and now she can't open up with somebody who's actually available so that's that cycle of addiction, love of avoidance. And here's the thing, it just takes one really shitty relationship at 22. And it could

in and it could be gone for 20 years. years because she doesn't deal with it now. So, a book called Facing Love Addiction by PMLady. I would strongly urge you to look into that. And they talk about the things that set this up and what you need to do to heal it. And it is a quite healable work. And you have a good resources page on your website, right? DrVoodoo.com with all these books that you mentioned. PMLady, she's great in this area.

And this is more what I used to see. This was a lot of the stuff we used to see. Really? Yeah, this was more of the sort of 90s and early 2000s stuff. About the- Now it's getting a little, no, just the mix sex and love addiction, the back and forth,

the abandonment and the over intensity was very popular back then. Right, and now what? And now we have some of the same, but it's, you know, like that virginity thing we had that's common new thing. The, you know, inability to get close at all because of all the pornography and the, you know, just then in this lack of the the usual developmental milestones aren't getting matched. And people are sort of lost in that process

of navigating a relationship. Right. They don't even know how, and they don't necessarily have models of it in their own homes. That's right. And the kids don't want their friends on the internet. And you look on the internet, it's all bullshit, or it's all intense. That's not true. Yeah, that's all porn.

Not bashing porn. Not bashing porn. Hey, who likes to get, when, like, say it off, but it's not technically how you should be learning, how do you have sex. Well, if you could, if you were, I guess, perfectly, yeah, freaks people out, if you are perfectly, you know, for adults, you know,

that are healthy or large, it's awesome. But if young people have trouble navigating, they look at that and they freaks them out. Right, and I think the thing with porn too, is that it freaks a lot of women out because they're like, well, I don't know how to do all those things. Yeah, yeah.

How would I get that in my mouth, like, how I would understand, so then that scares me a lot more. Do you know Nikki Glazer? Yeah, of course. Yes, why? Why? Oh, we both did the show. Yeah, yeah.

So she has some funny stuff about that in her stand-up, so. She does, yeah. We're both going to be on her TV show. Yes, we were both. Yes. OK, another one. Hi, Emily. I'm a new listener to the show.

I guess you could say I have a bit of a late bloom or sexually. My teens and 20s were filled with insecurities and anxieties. I had a few sexual experiences, but not in which I particularly enjoyed. I've been masturbating regularly since I was 20 and have watched soft-ish porn regularly as well. I've been able to achieve orgasm pretty easily via one of these

combinations. Porn plus vibrator, porn plus finger in hand, vibrator only fantasizing. Over the past couple of years, I've chilled out a bit. Is that pretty much every comedy? I guess so, yeah, it's so specific. You can't think of any other ones. I don't really know.

No vibrator? Or just fingers? She said that. I don't know. This is very specific here. Thank you very much for your details. I've chilled out a bit and I've been dabbling much more into the dating and sex world.

Nothing serious or super regular, but much more than before. My problem is, I cannot seem to get a rouse when I'm with a partner. I enjoy the experience but I don't really get aroused like I would watching porn and I'm nowhere near orgasm. Obviously this is a bummer. I've introduced the vibrator to the bedroom a few times but that doesn't really help since I can't get aroused. It's the mind. I'm sure some of it is nerves since the guys have been random hookups or guys that casually dating but I can't help but wonder if I did some irreparable damage to my brain from all those years of easier rousal and easy stimulation

It's like my entire sex drive goes away. I went on with the real person how effed up and my doomed is there way to help out Thank you Jennifer and we hear this from men as well Yeah, if you're not doing and you're not off that but it is an interesting problem There's a great new book out called sex Addiction as Affect Disregulation by Alexander Ketahakis. It is a survey. It's comprehensive in this area, and it's tremendous. I don't think she's a sex addict.

I think she has probably become dependent on some of the level of intensity of arousal. You see in pornography and she needs to sort of go abstinent for a while from the porn. And the same thing is true of the vibrator. You can over stimulate vibrators. You can sort of, you know, a little bit. And so you could, or just bring the vibrator into, the bringing to the bedroom, that was a smart one. Right.

And then create more safety in your relationships. You know, for this cuff, you talk about that. And let's talk about that. What do women need to start to feel the arousal and feel safely able to express whatever they need? I think that she's dating friends with men. Women have great sex for a lot of women. They need to feel safe. Again, everybody, women are...

They're all different. Snowflakes. That is not hyperbole. That is a fact and Regina's are like snowflakes. Everything is really snowflake. Everything. And it is you and I discussed the other day. I freaked out man. Get about that. Oh my god poor men. I do. I feel a lot of compassion for men because you're seeing that. No, every vagina like I say you put a hundred women in a room and they're all gonna work. They're all masturbating every 100, doing something different. So confusing. And offer mail, it's just, the mail's all doing the same thing.

P.S. is easy. The gin is clitoris is not easy. It's like the real escape of life, right? But the point is that so please, when we say most women, we understand that there's a spectrum here, but go ahead, most of them need to feel safe. But here's the other thing.

It's what's going on between our brains. Our brain is our largest most effective sex organ. So she's been watching porn a lot, and I think that the porn, Jennifer, is, again, we're kind of like, remember, before porn, we actually had to fantasize. We had to come up with these things. And for women, this is why we're not turned on a lot. This is why we don't enjoy sex because we don't really understand fantasy and we don't spend a lot of time working on that fantasy.

So I would say like the reason why you're with these guys and all of a sudden you're like, I don't know what to do is because you haven't cultivated like a healthy fantasy life. We're just actually kind of a fun homework assignment and like a fun thing you can do is to think about, you know, maybe it's scenarios that happened few in the past or things you want to happen in the future. But for a lot of women, like, we need, we need to tap into that

to have our orgasms be. And what are the scenarios like? Oh my God, they can be anything. I mean, for women, a lot of times, you know, common scenarios or around like being dominated, being taken, being worshiped, letting up, I mean, you're saying your fantasies. That's the way things that we want to. I, the worship one is, I heard Robin Quivers talking about that once,

and I started thinking, oh, that never occurs to me that that, because men don't want to be worship. That's not our thing. But I could see how women are respected. You want to be appreciated in your respect. Appreciate it, and we want, you know. Oh, yeah, no, women, and it's funny. Like there's like our type of like fantasies

that women have, and most of them have to do with being worshiped, being, you know, just adorable. And this is my worship, what's funny like there's like archetypal like fantasies that women have and most of them have to do with being worshipped being You know just adorable and this is my worship with that. Okay, so this and honestly this goes back to the the rape fantasy that we always hear about that so common If you're like, oh rape that's horrible But but the other the flip side of the rape fantasy is that it's not so much like we want to be raped and hurt and taking it gunpoint It's that it's that whole mentality that like this guy has such lust and such passion for me that he just needs to have him because I am so, I'm a sexual goddess and he cannot keep his hands off me and he wants, he just has to have me on his ass.

The male is actually experiencing that is when it's gonna be very fast with what they're doing is your fantasy include the speed with a real male? You mean like he's premature ejaculating? Well, not necessarily, but he's gonna go right to intercourse. I mean, he's...

Well, that's the other thing is that when women have fantasies, we're thinking about, we think about anticipation, we think about teasing. We have like, that's why we have plots to our fantasies. I mean, I've been actually thinking a lot about fantasy lately because I realize like, I wasn't fantasizing a lot. I'm just kind of like, I may have had them in the past, of course.

Like, think about me. I think you're on top here. I think this is not an error. It's certainly not something that's encouraged. And I think it could be a hurdle for women. Yes, it's like the erotic mind, like Jack Warren wrote a great book like in the 70s about like everyone's core erotic theme. We'll go about the worshiping again.

We'll go about the worshiping again. Because that's mysterious to me. The worshiping? Okay, I mean, God, you're's core, Rodic theme. We'll go about the worshiping again. We'll go about the worshiping. Because that's mysterious to me. I was like, huh? The worshiping? Okay, I mean, God, you're so hot, you're body, you're breasts. I mean, your eyes, I could look at them for hours.

But that's how man feels about any woman he's choosing to have sex with. Great, but he should talk about, he should be wanting her words. Words. We want to hear, like, I've been thinking about, I know, but just, I mean,

it's awkward. Yeah, I would just like to email a guy, listen, say all these things, I'll be happy. Like, I don't care that I had to tell you, but I, but just, I mean, awkward. Yeah, I would just like to email a guy, listen, say all these things, I'll be happy. Like, I don't care that I had to tell you, but I need to hear this. It's awkward. Make a list. You should publish that list.

I should publish that list. Like, tell me how hard I am. Like, I used to joke with men in the show. I'm like, I need 10 compliments a day. He's like 10 and I was just saying that, so like, maybe I would get to. Right? Like, maybe.

Tell me, like, I'm beautiful. Tell me, it's not because I need my ego so hard. I know that a lot of men, when they see men, other men doing that to them and they go, oh, it's manipulating. Right. That is guy you should not trust. That's what we think. Well, if it's not that I'm mad at Tinder

and he's like, you're so hot, I delete him because I know me. But we don't, that's why we don't cultivate that maybe because we don't trust that another man. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah, because you exactly, and you think that men are just doing that, it seems kind of cheesy. It seems like a cliche. It seems like manipulative.

Right. It seems like really that, like if we look, other guys, if there were a group of guys standing watching a guy doing that, they go, oh, don't trust that guy. Are you kidding? That guy, you're going with that guy? Talks like that? Well, like, I think you can learn in relation to it. I'm just saying.

Right. No, you're right. The guy who was like, you're so beautiful. But that's where our resistance comes from. So you don't do it. Yeah, so we need to overcome that. And men is also not that he's like the source here, but a lot of men actually, because he's like the every man in many ways.

Men's right there in his name. What? Men. Unfortunately, which is strange, but they think that, well, then she's just gonna think she has me wrap on her finger. like I know she wants me to worship her Yeah, so I like his or asked to tell her how she is she's just gonna know it She's gonna leave me or she's interesting. That's so that's the right that you're right that that is male insecurity

Get triggered by that which is that's BS frankly and many to get over that and so okay So the thing about so going back to Jennifer and in erotic fantasy. It's like Like I actually now this is my new topic of obsession is fantasy because I realize it. I think it's a worthy. I think it's a worthy. So that I was talking to some friends, I was in New York, I was visiting some old friends too,

when I was there for this expo, but I was also talking to friends. Francisco, New York, Amsterdam, Madison, what the hell, once she ever worked this one. I'm working on these trips. So I was, I was saying my friend, she's been married for 10 years, best friend from college, I was like, so trips. So I was, I was saying my friend, she had been married for 10 years,

best friend from college, I was like, so what do you fantasize? She's like actually been married for 12 years, super happy with her husband. They've sex like three times a week, which I find surprising, two kids. I said, what do you fantasize about? She goes, oh God, everything.

She goes, I'll just like when she masturbates, she's, you know, like I lay down. She's like, and I think about these like scenarios. She says, I think about like what I'm, I think about myself going into like a ball or something. And I'm wearing an outfit and I picture my outfit. And then I walk in and there's all these men and said a lot of women dream about multiple men

pleasing them. She goes in, there's men in the room and a lot of women say this too. They're kind of faceless, meaningless men. The faceless thing is so bizarre to us. And by the way, everything about these dreams sort of threatened us, these fantasies. If you're the partner, I understand.

I'm all ears, I'm all ears. I'm just telling you the main purpose. What about your fantasies? I didn't want to know what your thing, right? I mean, they like to look. Right, and it's done. There's no plot, she was hot, she had boobs, whatever. But for women, we have this elaborate

because that's the way we're gonna get excited through our brain thinking about these things. And so she's like, that's what I do. And I'm like, well, how long? It sounds so elaborate. She's like five minutes. So it's not even that it takes that long. And so for women who are like, I have low libido,

I can't get in the mood. I try, they're not using their brain to think about it. And that's why I always say four play starts after the last orgasm, but it's the other. But what if the other women, if we can, if they have a similar ability? Oh yeah, I can help. I mean, I try to help them and say like, if you don't know what turns you around,

you're like, I don't fantasize about anything. Read a Radica. Think about your most, what's the, when I ask you, what's the best sex you ever had? Why? Like, think about that one time that was amazing and then fantasize on that, create a story. No, you don't have to share it with anybody,

but it'll get you going. And when I say, like, four play starts after last orgasm, like my quote, through on the wall, it's because what you can do if you're at a relationship, that's why sexting is kind of cool in your relationship. It's like, I can't stop thinking about how hot that was last night and then your brains on board.

And your brains on board, you're gonna be more, I'm excited. That makes sense to me. Okay, good. I like what things make sense. Okay, another email. I'm trying to represent all men. You do?

What's that I can't? You know, another email. Yeah. So what you want to ask anything? Do you want to ask anything? Yeah, I have so many questions. I mean, she represents young women. Yeah, she totally come on.

Yeah, I'm a mic. So I'm a producer, Madison. Yeah, hi. I'm Mike. Yeah. What are some of your questions here? Okay, so earlier you guys, I was like typing the maps. On Mike. Yeah. What are some of your questions here? Okay, so earlier you guys, I was typing the maps I had so many.

Earlier you guys were talking about what questions can young girls should they be asking? And I think the one that no one ever explained to me, and that I think that I had the most questions about when I, or that I wish that I had known, is, okay, so why have sex? Like why do it? As a teenager, what is the purpose? If I'm not... Well that's my question. Why do we, why do we, if they are really not in fun,

we don't enjoy it, they shouldn't be. I thought that you had sex because it's just something that you did. It's a way of being, it was like a way of being closer to guys, a way of being like. And it's like, There is something that being closer, right? That's truth.

If you can be comfortable in it. If you can't though, you're not getting closer. You're getting closer. But as a teenager, as you pointed out, boys are just these big balls of hormones. And they've almost got like a 10 foot radius around them. So there is no being closer to teenage boys really, except physically.

Because emotionally, they're like just hormones. That's all that is. It's just vibrating balls of hormones. So my, I guess like my question is like, if you're talking to like a teenage, you're talking a teenage girl and she's looking at it like, okay, so I'm supposed to have sex for my pleasure, but I don't really know what that means

and no boy's gonna help me with it. So like why, why have sex? Wouldn't we urge that they not? They don't have sex if you don't really want to. We would urge like cultivating fantasy, cultivating imagination, cultivating a relationship, and which suddenly you maybe do want to have sex in the relationship.

If you don't feel forced into it, don't have the peer pressure, don't you have the expectations that it's something that you do? I mean, this would have to literally be a movement. I think they get just like the fantasy of sex. I think young girls get sort of a fantasy sort of arousal out of sex thing and about being wanted and that kind of stuff. And they just don't know how to control it.

Well yeah, it's like. They know what it's doing to the males, they know how to, you know, to limits down. You're being wanted and you're being wanted and it's such like an intoxicating feeling. And I mean like even girls my age right now are going to the exact same thing. Yeah, I'm 26. Ooh, aging me. The other day, you're like, you're still 23 to me.

You are, right? I thought you turned 27, I wish I had a haircut. It's my hair cut. There's that vibe. You're saying it's good. Yeah, okay, so there are girls that are my age who are still having this issue where there's that intoxication of being wanted by a man.

Yeah. Or like a boy for lack of a better word. He wants, you know, or like a boy for lack of a better word. He wants, you know, he wants to see pictures of you. He wants to touch you. He wants to be near you. He wants to do all these things. Yeah. And it slowly gets you closer and closer.

But like, there is no, there's no, there's this huge gray area between like, you want to be wanted. And then the minute you give them what they want, they're gone. Exactly. They may well be. So it took the picture that you said. Exactly. They may well be. They actually took the picture that you said that. Exactly.

And they showed each other friends. I mean, I think God that, you know, we did kind of sexting when I was in high school, but there wasn't like a big like sending naked pictures thing back then. And I'm so, so thankful. They always trade them like baseball fans. Oh yeah.

Oh my God. And by the way, they're trafficking and child porn at that point. Uh-huh. And everyone that they send it to, everyone that they move around is a new potential, what do they call a charge of child porn. They go, they can go to jail for life, messing around the stupid sexting. Oh yeah. I have, I have guy friends who are just little juvenile delinquents from what they were doing when they were 12 or 13 as far as sending around pictures of girls.

But it was all with the disposable cameras. No one was doing camera phones quite yet. But it is like why have sex? I mean, that's what I'd like to think, like they should understand. Like it's pleasurable, it's gonna feel good, but like, don't feel pressure. I still think that's what hasn't changed in 30 years.

Like a long time that it's not, that they're not realizing women aren't realizing that it's not just for their pleasure I thought it was all about their pleasure, too I didn't have any pleasure with sex for like a really long time and when did it switch? It switched Like I had a really good like in my maybe mid 20s a boyfriend that was like more like sexually open and he kind of was more about my pleasure And that could happen at 21 or 22 or 20, but then guys at, but then guys at 20 don't know, so I almost feel like. How do you, maybe we had to help them in A, select that guy or no

when they're in that kind of relationship, B, how to set boundaries before then. Right, and learn together because again, it's like I said. I guess that boundaries now. Boundaries are so hard, difficult. Yeah, trying. So, yeah, so that was a question that I had

and another one that was about, many of you guys are talking about, about the disconnect between the, you know, women and their own sexuality and things like that. How do you recommend, because masturbation, like you say, you know, I know, as at 26 after working here for two years, I know that masturbation helps you get in touch with your body. But like, how would you explain that to a younger, to a younger girl,

just beyond like, oh, you're gonna explore, because she doesn't know what she's doing right now. They're like, if she has a clitoris, she's like, what the hell is that? Like, I brushed up against it, it felt good. But she doesn't know the emotional attachment that comes with masturbating. Explain.

I've said, you argue with me about this. About what? The Addison's on my team here. Go ahead. I don't even know what I said. I know what you're saying. Well, that you have to be in an emotional space for that sexual response to develop? And that's what's really hard.

That's where this fantasy thing comes in. Or, you know, that's why women will be recommended to make a path and set candles. And men are like, what? Right. Are those petals? Right. Right. And it's because it's really an environment of intimacy as with your intimacy is with

yourself. Yeah, exactly. Because for a lot of women, you're not going to find that intimacy with a guy for a long time. Yeah, quite some time. And it's the hardest to see that when you were really scared of that. I don't know if we are read about this. Well, we did a little bit.

Was it bad? Yeah, it was a bad. No, but I'm just thinking that, yes, exactly for women, it's like, first of all, we know that our brain, if our stress about school we even a lot, they say like millennials aren't having as much sex out because maybe they're distracted too There's a lot of our things going on their phones there like I tell them turn off your phone. Yeah, you know, but it's just so hard But they were literally saying doesn't make sense to me. I get nothing out of it It's because they can't get the the place going where that's gonna happen

Yeah, I'm a bad room. Yeah, okay, cuz that's gonna happen. They're not like, and I'm bad dream, it's a viability. But because that's a get a mail. A mail can do that, no problem. But that's all the way around. But that's why we're so different. That's why the female viagirl never work. And I think about like the only time it's ever been, you know, even like they've tried to talk about this in America

was with Joyce and Elders when Clinton appointed a surgeon general in like whatever, 1992 or whatever. And she was a surgeon general and she said, I think that masturbation should be taught in schools and she was fired. Well, what if he knows? He was having Monica Lewinsky with a cigar. He wasn't caring about women's pleasure.

It was, it was not him. No, but what I'm saying is she was. I knew Joyce them very well. I don't, I mean, I thought that was. She was, she was awesome. She tremendous. But fire, like that didn't what we did. That was a one-short ago.

And then all we saw as Americans was that little snippet of her talking about that. This is a serious academic professional pediatrician with, you know, it's the medis- But she was right. credentials, eloquent and rich, it's sorry, she could have been a treasure

for this country. And just because we didn't like the sort of topic. We didn't like master, we don't like, and people at the school, as you're gonna teach it. So I get that it's complicated, and I don't, I wanna get to the point where we can teach women, you know, that it's something that's healthy and normal

because they're not talking to the like, I think that's the thing. Listen to sex at Emily, that's all. Exactly 20 years ago. But you know, my thing around masturbation is that it didn't even occur to me. Like it never, I never thought like, this could be interesting to touch my body. I think I had a very stressful environment growing up and I didn't even occur to me. Like it never, I never thought, like this could be interesting to touch my body.

I think I had a very stressful environment growing up and I didn't do it. I don't know if that's why. But then you have for all these women who are, you know, we always talk about this like head and orgasm and they were taking a shower when they were five or riding a horse when they were 12. I'm like, I rode a horse.

I did not have an orgasm. I don't understand. I don't understand. But it's like, but right. But still, it's just like, and then even when that happens, they don't tell their parents. So they're having this act that orgasms, and they're happy, but they don't know what I don't understand. I don't understand. But right, but still it's just like, and then even when that happens, they don't tell their parents. So they're having the sex that orgasms are their hat,

but they don't know what to do with all that. Well, yeah, I've been having orgasms since I was like eight or nine, but I didn't know what it meant, and it didn't mean anything to me. And then when it came time for actual hands-on masturbation, it was like a missing piece. Like I just didn't get it. What was I supposed to be doing?

What was the goal here? And it just kind of like, it wasn't until I got older. Nobody's really studying this properly. They really aren't that. I would love to have a program that makes it. I mean, think about that. Just that. Able orgasm, but masturbation,

does that equate with working? It just feels good. It has it, but I mean, it didn't even feel good. It was just like, it was like, it was like, no, like, scientific experimentation. It was like. It has it, it has it. I mean, it didn't even feel good. It was just like, it was like a race. It was like a, no, like scientific experimentation. It was like self discovery, but in a way where I didn't know what I was doing, it's like you're just grasping in the dark. Like I'm sure that's how plenty of guys feel

when it comes to like trying to pleasure, trying to pleasure a woman, not about their own, no, no, no. No, I used to babysit kids, like little boys tugging on their penises for my young age, being like, this is great. No, they get it. I did not get it. And that's why I'm like, how do you teach that? We're trying.

That's what it is. That's the thing. I'm gonna go out and I can't do it. We're doing it, we are. Literally, this is it. We figured it out, see? This is how you do it. Go on, let us down.

Okay, should we do one more email? I mean, I feel like we've been, okay, so how about we've got, here we go. Hi, Emily, I've been in a relationship for a year with my boyfriend He's 32 and someone in experience and bad. He's never performed at all sex before He told me he doesn't want to be says you get so wet and I don't want that in my mouth I told him when we started dating I wouldn't give him blow jobs if he didn't go down for her Good for you and he said that was fine

That wouldn't be a huge deal if he was able to satisfy me in other ways But he basically kisses me for one minute before saying, are you ready? And then once he orgasms, he doesn't do anything to help me finish. In one year, I've orgasmed with him once, using a toy in Doggy Style.

I understand if he's more hesitant to try to do things in bed, but I'm feeling so unsatisfied. We've talked about it a few times. And last time we discussed it, I told him we need to help me orgasm first and he can finish, but because he's so concerned with how what I am, I'm scared he'll never go down to me. He's the only touch by vagina with his fingers twice. I want him to understand I'm so wet because he is turning me on and I want to be with him. In your opinion, is there other ways to have great foreplay without oral so I can be satisfied

and he doesn't have to do. He feels uncomfortable doing she cannot orgasm without for all that she says she needs to argue and she's one of these most like most women he's some sort of direct thing to an ordo orgasm that's oral sex typically you know when we used to remember what Mike cathedrals our co-host on level I just give a say where did he say all those men should go? He said they're communist and they should be shot. That's what he said.

He's a menu helper for moral. Right, he feels like he's offended by that. He's like deep and I understand that feeling. I feel like, hey man, that's your, I mean, come on now, get it together. You said too, like you should learn to look. Now, but I wonder if she's squirting. Cause maybe, cause some guys do get a little bit, like, when they're squirting, they

get a little bit overwhelmed. Now, he's touching her with tears. No, no, but he said the wet is what bothers him. I wonder if that's a code for maybe it's really wet. Maybe. Well, let's address that. If that's the issue, you know, maybe have a code or a warning or some, you know, some towel handy, and there's always a way to deal with this stuff.

Number one, number two, if he is fearful of the vagina, which a lot of guys are, you need to like tell him this is, this is a critical, this is important. This is not BS. This is not, and you're entitled to go, hey, hey, no. And I like those you already refused to reciprocate with the oral sex, but it's got to be more than that. It's got to be like, look, honey, she has the keys of the castle.

She can insist on this and we can find something that's a little more comfortable for him or he can get used to it or whatever, but come on out, you're an adult. Let's get it together. Let's get it together. Let's get it together. I couldn't be with the guy who, I've tried it

for like a minute. He was in the oral sex, it wasn't his thing. I don't know that you can teach men about we teach women though How to love giving blow jobs, but how can you teach a man to get over their own fears the taste whatever it is That's not the guy you want to be with. I mean good luck. I think this is a long road here Right, I mean it may not be I mean, but you've got to really put some put some bearers down Like really it's exact you're entitled to insist But you are but here's the the thing, there's nothing wrong. She wants to know what oral other foreplace she can do.

Well, for herself. She doesn't want to touch her and he doesn't want to go down on her. No, no. So, you can get you all your toys and stuff. You can use toys, but then that's kind of,

does masks still come around? If you have masks. It's not a thing. But we have flavored lubes. It's really good for that for flavor looped. System, okay, there's a joke. I'm going to give you this. Jolato. There's like Carmo Machuio.

Carmo Machuio. What is it? Chocolate mint. We're gonna give you like a whole bag of Joe. You're no, you're gonna, you know, I never still you wrong. No, ever. This is all I'm. I know. We can hardly wait to get to my sex. Oh, we're gonna do a video after this. We're, Drew's gonna go in shopping in my sex closet, which I'm so happy for you all to see it. It can actually organize now. Um, okay, I think it's all we got time for, drill. Yeah, my wife is already at the restaurant waiting for us. I just texted her.

What restaurant? Oh, do you like that tree here? Okay, good, so we got to go eat. Yeah. Thank you, drill. Yeah. This was great. I can find you, Dr.Ju.com, listen to all the news.

Yeah, please go to the website, the main thing right now, and look for me, we're going to get some new projects coming up. I guess some new stuff coming up. You always do. The wife's texting me. All good, she said. Okay, thank you for being up. You always do. Oh, I've texted me. All good, you said. OK, thank you for being here. I appreciate it.

Thank you to producer Madison. Thank you Eddie. Thank you Jamie and Lori and my whole amazing team. And thanks, everyone, for listening. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithamily.com. If there's something I've more of than toys, it's cosmetics, and it seems like I don't even use half of them. My makeup counter looks like, well, you can probably guess because I bet yours looks similar.

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