Sex With Emily - Curious Questions to Ask Your Partner Tonight With Jamye Waxman

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

Truth: this year has been HARD on relationships. Luckily, sex educator, author, licensed therapist, and my dear friend Jamye Waxman is here to help! For those struggling to connect right now, Jamye gives different methods for checking in with your partner, rekindling the magic, and keeping a relationship strong over time.Together we talk about the power of curiosity to avoid petty fights and harboring resentment as well as what to do if you and your partner are at different “speeds” sexually. We also take calls about how to healthily express your emotions and how to help your partner cope with sexual shame.For more information about Jamye Waxman, visit: waxmansextherapy.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking with therapist and relationship expert Jamie Waxman about how you can avoid fights by getting curious and asking the right questions in your relationship. All this and more, thanks for listening. Anger is probably the easiest emotion to express and it is the tip of the iceberg of emotions and there's so much that goes underneath. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. JB Waxpins back on the show today and she specializes in sex therapy and relationship

issues. So we just dive right in and I love these tools she gives. She just comes chock-full of tools, communication tools that can help you just get unstuck. And what I love is you can use these in other areas of your life. You can use a bit of work. You can use them with a child. Plus why you don't need to be in a crisis to go to therapy and how it could actually help you to go when you're actually feeling pretty good. Also, new ways to bring on your turn-ons and turn-offs with your partner. We also take your calls and help you identify where shame is holding you back so you can release it once and for all. Intentions with Emily, let's set an intention for the show. This is a great tool right now, just to think about what do I want to get out of this episode. You might

just be like, wow, I want to stop fighting with my partner. Please help me. And that's cool. That's a great intention. My intention, I was thinking about it. I thought, let's try to keep your relationship healthy with very specific tools. And if you start using these now, then you'll never get into a rut because you're always working on the relationship. It doesn't even feel like work. We all go through ups and downs, but I want to help you learn how to prioritize

healthy dialogue in your relationship, no matter what you're going through. All right, enjoy the show. Jamie's actually had a very full practice seeing she sees a lot of couples who are dealing with struggles, especially now during quarantine. I think she's probably been busier than ever it sounds like. So Jamie, what have you been seeing with couples that you've, you know, what's been the trends during the last six months? What do you notice?

I think one of the biggest things I'm noticing is that there are some real dichotomy around people who are showing up because they are on the verge of breaking up. And I've been dubbing this time the long temporary, right? It's like, really, we don't know when it's going to end and it keeps continuing. And I think for a lot of couples who thought we can handle this for a while, you're seeing a lot of conflict. But on the other side of the same coin, I'm seeing a lot of couples who are like, oh, we're in this for the long haul. And I know there was little research recently published about people who are dating and that they're finding, or a couple people are finding new ways to have sex long distance. And I think that the same

thing is happening in relationships, that people are like, well, we have this time to understand ourselves and to get to know each other better. So what can we do when we're not in crisis in relationships that people are like, well, we have this time to understand ourselves and to know each other better. So what can we do when we're not in crisis to build up our sex lives? So I think you can, I see both right now. Wow, let's talk about the couples who are not in crisis, but they actually have showed up and decided to work on themselves.

Yeah, what does it look like? It's really interesting. I love to give whole-market assignments. And so I will definitely start people off with just some quizzes and some other things that they may or may not have done. I know you've talked about this many times, the five love languages quiz. I love that quiz just to get people talking about how they give and receive love. And I like to add that sixth love language which is space and freedom. Right?

That is a real love language for many couples and to acknowledge that in a time when you don't have a lot of space and freedom is really permission giving for any difficulties that are showing up in the relationship if there are and also it allows them people to think about how they can create space and freedom in a contained and confined way. Because we are in this for a bit longer. And and so I really think that that extra love language opens up a lot of eyes and doors for people in relationships. So we'll start with that.

We'll also start with the core erotic blueprints. I like to just get people into what's their sexual language, too, right? Whether it's sensual, kinky, sort of all over the place, sexual, or energetic. And so I give people these quizzes to like, have a starting off point to say, here's my love language, and here's what I like sexually. So that was sex language? Yeah, and Jaya did a great job with coming up with these sex languages

to let people understand where they fall. So from there, we have lots of ways we can go. I love this Jamie, the sex language is, yeah, I know that she does those erotic blueprints. I think that is very interesting. I don't know, can you give me example perhaps of some of them because if couples have different sex languages, for example, somebody's more kinky and somebody's more energetic, for example.

Yes. So, whatever ones you want to explain. I mean, those are two great ones because they are sometimes different and they are actually sometimes very similar. So, somebody who's energetic is really going to be around by just, it could be breath, right? It could be being in the same room and really just getting close to their partner's skin.

It doesn't necessarily even involve, it involves more of a sensual piece, but it doesn't necessarily involve sexual stuff, right? So people who are really into meditation may feel really energized by a partner who meditates with them. Again, these are just some examples. Gaya speaks a lot about being energetic because that I believe is her core blueprint.

And then somebody who's kinky is more into potentially like deprivation of a sense, right? Which in the energetic may actually limit some of what you're feeling, or heightened senses in some ways that don't have to do necessarily with breath. So it's about maneuvering to different types of energy, to get some sexual energy together. So somebody who's energetic, who's into breathing with somebody who's kinky, and here's just one example, right? You may put a blindfolds on them and focus on breathing.

And just find a way to do things that work together. So I find that I feel like with the erotic blueprints, that people have a general idea going in to what they are, but they don't necessarily have the language to talk about it. And from what I remember, from the time that I took this quiz, we'll send you videos showing you how to work within different couples. So it really gives you a toolbox to say, here's the language of what I identify with. And from here, let's look at the language of how you identify and let's see how we can find some common ground.

I love this. I think it's such a great to kind of cut through it because you're right. They might have a sense of what they are. But even in that way, they don't really know how to kind of express it and what even looks like in actuality. Like, you know, if I know that I met her dreaded, I'm kinky sometimes you just like, but what do we do? Like, how what is the sex acts that follow? Like, what are the manifestations of that? How do we combine those two things?

Right. And so it's not a deal breaker. Well, we're also saying if someone is very kinky and someone's a little bit more sensual, the relationship isn't to have to end. If anything, it gives you a larger playground. Right. It's about using your skills to enhance your partners like experience, I will say.

It gives you a lot larger of a playground as long as the other person's blueprint doesn't really like turn you off. If there's like a deal, and if you're not open again, asking about what you mentioned before about change, if you're not open and receptive to change, then it doesn't really matter whether or not you are compatible. You are or where you're at, you have to be open and accepting to change.

And I love just this idea that it doesn't always have to be 50-50 in the sexual relationship. And a lot of times it's not, which I think causes resentments in some couples. But with these blueprints or just knowing your love language or whatever, knowing that sometimes you'll get your needs met more than the other persons and that it's okay, as long as it feels like there's a nice balance. I think that's also really important. Yeah, it is the balance. And then having the language to even talk about it. Now what do you do, Jamie?

If you have a couple that comes in and they realize that a lot of their judgments around sex comes from a cultural upbringing, maybe they were shamed. Because I get called to say, oh my wife won't listen to that. But they're projecting it onto their partner. Yeah, they're projecting it onto their partner or they don't even really want to talk about sex, but I'm not sure they'd show up in your office if they didn't even want to talk about it. But this is what I get so much. I go, I told my partner I needed this and they said, no, you know, they think it's wrong or they won't masturbate. A lot of people call and said,

you can't get my wife to masturbate. So anyway, I guess it's unpacking the stuff that we feel not comfortable talking about said expressing ourselves. Are there like exercises you give couples to unpack that? I mean, there's two things that show up for me. One is in the language, right? Which is the difference between you and I

and we'll go into that in a moment. And the other is the sexual shame narrative. And so what I will do in that situation, I may even work individually even within the couple or for a few moments around this, but as I will say, tell me about your first sexual messages. What can you remember as your first sexual messaging? And then how was it received, right?

So for example, somebody could have been shamed for masturbating and getting caught, right? Oh, I had pleasure, it felt good, but I was told it was bad. I mean, you probably talk about this one a lot, right? Or I felt really good about how I was dressed, but I got in trouble on school because it wasn't appropriate.

And so these confusing messages, so, or my religion told me you have to wait until marriage. And I really didn't want to. And I felt, so whatever, you will find a contradiction in some space in your sexual messaging almost without doubt, almost undoubtedly. And I think you really start to impact that contradiction. That works really well, especially if you're seeing it a lot in a couple's work, I would

definitely work with the person if they were open to it or who has the sexual shame message going first. And then bring it back to really dissect. The other difference is what you mentioned about this example of a husband or a wife saying to their partner, you should masturbate, right? You should. Yeah, you should. You should. You should, and you should.

Yeah, you should. You should. You should. Whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That they're putting this back immediately. Immediately when you say you, blank, you did this to me, you should do this, you, whatever, you're immediately putting the other person in defense mode.

The difference, like an example might be, I notice that because you don't masturbate, I feel less, I feel more confused about how to approach you for sex. I notice that because you masturbate all the time, I'm telling myself a story that you don't want me. So it's not about you are doing this to me, it's what I'm noticing about myself. Or I notice that you masturbate a lot with porn, and I feel shame that I don't look like that or I feel like I'm scared to get naked in front of you because I don't look like whatever it is But it really has to be you owning

Whatever is going on for you and not projecting what's going on for you is is your partner's problem Even if there is a part of that that is is your partner's problem, you have to first, and I think it works more effectively to actually take the stance of less defense and more curiosity. That's a word I use a lot with my couples. How can we get curious about this? That is so good, Jamie.

That is such, such helpful advice. You know, and I think we should all take a beat on that and think, what is the kind of conversation you want to have this weekend? And a lot of our instincts, our impulses are to be reactive, that you never initiate sex anymore. You never tell me I'm beautiful. You never, nobody hears what you're saying after you.

So to say, I notice, I notice that when this happens, it makes me feel this way, because no one can argue if you bring it back to your own feelings. They can't take that away from you. There's no way. They can't take that away. God, Jamie, that is so helpful. We're going to do a quick break. I'm here with Jamie We are having some great chats here. Jamie sees a lot of couples and you know, for sex therapy, helping them with communication and an interesting thing that she's reminded me of is that it really is such a great thing if you are a couple and things aren't, you're not in crisis.

Like you're not in crisis, but you're like, I want to continue to improve our relationship, communications, to go into therapy then. When things aren't horrible, but you just want to keep growing with each other. And so, Jamie said you've been seeing some couples come to that as well, and there's some new ways you're having them talk about desire and their sex lives. Yeah, and to really get curious about what it is that they like about what they're doing and what they wish they could be doing,

because I mean, I've said this since my days as a sex educator in my early 20s that everything else about our lives, right? Like our hairstyle where we live, what job we have, all of that, we have permission to change. But something happens when we get into a monogamous relationship where the sexual piece doesn't, doesn't feel like it gets that same attention and permission. And I think it's really important to revisit our sexual relationships with ourselves and with our partners on a fairly regular

basis that might mean a few years, that might mean a year, right? Like whatever that means to you, that part you get to decide. But another thing I really like to do with couples is to talk to them about, this came out from research from the Kinsey Institute. Actually, more importantly, it's an Emily Nagaski's book.

She based it off some research, I believe, come as you are. And it's such a great book. And it's all about accelerators and breaks your accelerators are things that get you going right and turn you on and your breaks Are things that turn you off and I have couples sit and talk about some accelerators and it's really interesting because them just saying things out loud like You know, I really like when you tell me what you like. And then realizing, I actually have a really hard time doing that, so it brings attention to some things that maybe need to be highlighted, or a break, like when you, you know, take your hand and put it on my head

and like expect a blow job, that's a turn off, right? So just really be able to talk about these things in the non-sexual setting in a very safe setting because here you have a witness to it all. So you're going to stay civil for the most part. I will say that not all couples there be safe civil at all. But you're going to stay civil and you're going to be able to have the conversation without feeling like you're being rejected or criticized because it it's more about being, again, curious. That feels great.

I love the accelerator and the break. So couples can sit with you and say, this is what really turns me on, and this is what turns me off. And what's so interesting about that example is that you were saying that for one of them, when you tell me what you want, it's the accelerator.

But the break, the other part of the say, that's a break for me, because I don't know what to say when you ask me what turns me on. Okay, I want this is fascinating, Jamie. I want to keep going at that, but we have a call, and I feel like Justin really needs our help right now. And I think we should help Justin. You can comment your questions. Triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven, Justin, 30, and Pennsylvania. Hey, Justin, how can we help you? What's going on? You're out with Emily and Jamie Waxman. Hi. For several years, I've noticed over time and whatnot that I have a really hard time actually,

like expressing my actual motions as they are. If it's anything other than joy, it usually comes out as either anger or I just kind of go numb and kind of shut down. And whenever it comes out as anger, it never ends well and I feel like my point never gets across and whoever it's with, they're obviously going to shut down only because I get upset about it. And I mean I've had, I recently just had a small things where I was able to actually express how I was feeling my life and it felt good but I don't understand how I came about to actually being able to express the emotion properly, if that makes any sense.

Mm-hmm. Justin, thank you so much for this. This is just, I think that it's really common that so many people, especially men, and we're not raised in environments where it was okay or it was safe to express your emotions. And so your question is you said that you were able to successfully do it and you want to be able to tap into that and know why you were able to do it. Is that your question? Yeah, I don't know if like you might either y'all might have some kind of insight on, I don't know, certain methods or something that I'd be able to try and focus on or angle

towards to try and get myself properly express how I'm feeling without it coming out as anger because it never ends well. No, it doesn't. Justin, I love how self-aware you are. And I love that you're asking this question. I'll let Jamie. Jamie, what do you think? Where do you start? A couple of things. First of all, Justin, I mean, she just

be aware that if it's not Joy, it's anger. Anger is probably the easiest emotion to express, and it is the tip of the iceberg of emotions. And there's so much that goes underneath, whether it's sadness or guilt or shame. So just to notice that anger is the easiest emotion, you're not alone in that. I will say two things. One is I'm going to give you a formula to talk to your wife and anybody else that will be helpful if you can follow it.

But I also want to say, without knowing the content of your conversation with her, that I can imagine, at the beginning of quarantine, I came up with this metaphor for love. And I'm sorry, it's not a metaphor. I'm always bad at it's a metaphor. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Love is listening, observing, validating and empathizing. So if you can do those four things not necessarily in that order, but it's the way it works with the spelling of the word, that that is love, right? So if you can listen to your partner when you hear what they're saying, if you can observe, notice how they're feeling, you can validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with them, and if you can empathize with their feelings. Again, you don't have to agree with their feelings, but you can say, I can understand why you feel this way. Like it makes sense that you feel this way.

So that's just one thing. That's the love thing. acronym. Thank you. acronym. That's the word. I love this Jamie. I love this.

I knew it was an acronym. You've got to say it. Sometimes it's tough. Yeah, it's like a scuba. Love is listening, observing, validating, and empathizing. But that means that you're asking for a formula. And so I'm going to I'm a school bug. Love is listening, observing, validating, and empathizing. But that being said, you're asking for a formula and so I'm gonna give you one.

So formula for non-confrontational exchange and it starts with an observation. And I was actually doing this a little bit when I was talking about how to talk to your partner without being defensive. So it's an observation. I notice. I notice that I'm starting to have a similar reaction to when we've had this conversation

before. Then the second part is observation, feeling. I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling frustrated. That's a lot like under, under anger frustration comes a lot or so does resentment. I'm feeling frustrated about whatever or I notice that when you ask me to take out the garbage, this is clearly probably not what your conversation was about. I feel frustrated.

Then it goes need request. So the formula is observation feeling need request. So I need to tell you this so that we can start to work on changing this. So that's the need, the need is whatever you need to, I need to share this to sort of start doing things differently. So here's my ask, I'm going to ask that you take out the garbage tonight or every other week or I'm going to ask that we, you know, whatever again they ask is, but that formula really works. If you can stick with it and use your eye statements, observationervation I notice, feeling I feel need,

I need request, I ask whatever word you want to use there if ask isn't the right word, but that's the formula. That's good. Yeah, is that helpful? Justin, do you want to roleplay it with us? Is there anything a conversation that you've been wanting to have that we can help you have it here on there? No, I just, it felt so good to actually trying to be able to open up.

Like, I've been married my wife coming up on 10 years now. And I mean, we have open conversation about sex. I mean, we're explorative. We don't really keep anything from each other. I just, I know she said to me before that she has wished that I'd be able to express myself better. And then to actually, I guess I saw Joy and me being able to express my issue properly with her

that kind of gave me the drive. And then you guys, her ladies, sorry, you ladies talking about top of the jawline right now, trying to urge me to call in. I just, I wanna be able to. Justin, there's one more thing that's showing up as you're talking. Yeah, no, Justin, I'm so glad you called in.

This is really brave and it's so helpful. And I just, I love how you are really looking at this in such a healthy way that you wanna to be show up in this way. Before you can say James. Well, I was just going to say, even hearing how Justin's talking now about being able, the appreciation he had for being able to express himself and for his wife being able to hold space and to get it, and that he really felt close to her. That's another thing that's not a formula, but it's called sharing an appreciation.

And I think couples should be doing this as often as they can. I will admit that I sometimes resisted in my own relationship, so there's no perfect right? But you share an appreciation with your partners. So even right there, Justin, I just wanted to tell you that I really appreciated that the other day, I was able to share something with you in a way that you heard it and it felt it brought me so much joy That would be a great thing to say I agree reinforcing it and letting her know how this has really impacted you

And that you'd love that you look forward to continuing on this path and Of expressing and being emotive and and sharing your authentic, because you probably, it sounds like you've had, and this is common, you've had a life that wasn't really encouraging towards you being emotionally real and honest, could be something in your childhood, you didn't feel safe, but just know that it's a practice and you just took one step on this incredible journey

and you're 30 years old and you sounds like you and your wife are really in a good place where you can just grow together I think just go easy on yourself because it's a path right yet for 30 years you haven't done it and So it's a muscle. We got to keep using it. Yeah, I've been listening to your show and it's it's made me think a lot about things and I have Think that that might have been how I might have I don know, accidentally been able to open up to something subconsciously just happened. You know what I mean? From listening to your show, I listen to it almost every night that I can. So I just want to say thank you all for being there for me.

I'm totally here for you, Justin. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you found the show and you found it, you know, useful. What you can call it anytime, as you know. I'm here for you every night. And I can't wait to hear your about your journey, Justin. Thanks for calling. Thank you. Enjoy the weekend. You're a good night. You too. What a beautiful compliment to you, Emily.

Yeah. Yeah. It feels good to know that people are, yeah, that we're all in this together. We're all listening, we're helping each other when everyone's calling in about what they've learned. And it's, um, if we don't hear people talking about this much, right? I mean, I had to personally learn how to express my emotions. I didn't grow up in a place where they were validated or accepted or encouraged. Yeah, it was.

People stop crying. Why are you acting this way? Don't do that. Yeah, it was. People stop crying. Why are you acting this way? Don't do that. Yeah, stop crying. It's not real. You know, all the things that we talk about. And I still practice. Right, Jamie? We're always practicing.

We're always practicing. We are never done. All right, we're going to take a quick break. Be right back with more sex with Emily. Oh Jamie, lots to unpack here tonight. So we were talking about accelerating the brakes. I know I did the acronym. Now that I will not forget, I will forget. I actually forgot the last time I tried to explain this to someone that word just slips my mind. We talk about the other piece that I really think is a great check-in which is Win and Wonder. Let's do that. Yeah. So another tool for couples

to get curious. That is the theme of my segments to get curious tonight. Is she really once a week to have a check in about or you could do it even daily, but the check in about a win from the day. And I say once a week because usually in that time, you'll have some sort of couples, it's exchange or time together where you something about that time was a real win. Like maybe it's just like that we put our phones away and locked them up for the night, right? That's a huge win. Or maybe that's the wonder because we were really distracted all week.

And so I wonder what it would be like to put our phones away for a night. So it's really spending time talking about that win and that wonder in each of you coming up with one win and one wonder from your relationship in that week. That is such a great tool. Like we've been talking lately about this, about relationship check-ins.

That would be such a wonderful practice for couples to have once a week or even once a month. We've been talking about different tools, but I love this one. It's like, how have I shown up for you last week? That felt great. What you need for me in the coming week. But I love a win in a wonder. So what are some other examples that couples could say is our win and then a wonder? I'd love to kind of inspire people going

into the weekend. I mean, a win can also be like that we actually had an hour to have sex, right? It could be about a time thing, it could be quality time, it could be physical touch. So any of those or a win can be like that we, you know, actually went the whole week without criticizing one another. That would be another win, right? That's hard to do and you're trapped in quarantine all the time. But those kinds of, or we win a day, whatever.

So those are wins or that we scheduled a couple session, right? Or that we had a date in a park, like anything, like doing something that feels like it was just really connecting is a win. And then a wonder is something that maybe didn't happen or maybe when a little sideways, right? Like we try this new position and it really it was too painful for me. So I wonder what it would be like to actually do it from the side instead of from, you know, behind or again, that's just one example, but I wonder like like, I do, I wonder, because we didn't get

out of the house this week, I wonder what we could have, like, if we could go to a park next week or where we can go to spend some time outside of here, I wonder if we could take a walk, anything like that. Is it something that we focus around an us, it's not a you, like, I wonder why you didn't initiate sex again, like, I could see it going down a more negative critical path. Absolutely. So it's a week. I think it's a focus on us for sure,

because if it will go down, I wonder why you didn't do this thing, right? It goes right into criticism. So that would be more of an I notice that you haven't been interested in initiating sex in the last few weeks. And you might not even say I'm feeling, and I miss you.

And I wonder if there's something I could do that would make you want to initiate sex more. You could do it in that way. You would have to change it around who being about I. I wonder what I need to do to make this more, to happen more. Otherwise, it's an us. Otherwise, it's an us. But if it's a you,

that person is gonna be like, well, you know what, you don't do too, or you? So it really can go down and ugly road quickly. God, it's so true. What do they say, everything after butt is... It's negated. Everything before butt. Everything before butt.

Before the butt is, right. I love you butt, you didn't do the dishes. Everything. I love you but you didn't do the dishes. All you hear is you didn't do the dishes. Right. Anything before but is erased. Right. Is erased. And then everything when you say you is also, I'm just trying to think, put you on the defensive.

I'm just, I think that we are giving so many incredible tools tonight for people to kind of take home with them because I have to call. Exactly. If I'm out of work because the world is communicating better and everyone's having incredible sex and everyone figured out the relationship problems my work is done. What I do, I don't know what I would do, I have no friggin idea what I would do. But that's what I hope for the world. But you know what I also love about you being here, Jamie, is that, you know, I often, you know, people call in every night and there is a lot of recommending that people seek

therapy, whether it's a couple or individual. And I have a sense that people, if they've never gone to therapy or they just have an idea about therapy, that it still has a stigma, maybe in their mind, they think it makes them crazy or it'll be like, it's only for mental people. Because to me, it's like, well, why wouldn't you go? If you have a toothache, you're going to go to the dentist. If your car breaks down, you're going to take it to a mechanic. If you're not able to communicate with your partner anymore and you've been trying,

you would go to therapy. Because I tell couples all the time, if you've been having the same argument for a year or 10. Clearly you're not going to be able to do on your own. So I just don't know Jamie how you get them people when they say oh my but my partner won't go. I just don't get why people I don't understand why but what can we do to

get people to realize like this is going to be the ticket. It's actually going to help wherever you're at. Rather either realize that you're at. Rather either realize that you can never solve this conflict and you should end the relationship or you learn new tools to move forward and grow stronger. And so I think even in that, right?

The focus is on something's broken. So we're going to therapy to fix it where I think when the focus is on improving what we are already, our foundation is solid. So let's improve on it. Or our foundation is solid and there are some places where I feel like we could just be even better. Right?

There's just that difference in the reframe. Again, it's not going to convince everybody to go to therapy, but I do think it's helpful to not like with the appreciations and everything. It's so much easier for us to focus on what we're not getting, what our partner's not doing. The more we focus on what they are doing and what we are getting, the more you're going to get a positive response.

One last thing about that but, yeah, if you change that but to an end, it's different. I love you and could you take up the garbage, right? Like, I love you and could you take up the garbage, right? Like I love you and whatever it is. It's just, it changes how we hear what is being said. It's true, but is really a trigger where I try to stop myself from saying that as well. I should.

Should is another trigger word. Don't shoot all over yourself. Should is it? Exactly. Well, we should on ourselves and others. You should do this. you should do that. Yeah. And then you reframe that by saying, I get it.

Yeah, I'm saying it's all right. You should go to therapy. You can say, I noticed therapy has been really helpful. For me, I'm curious what your thoughts about therapy are. Like again, it's not, that might be a little bit more where people say, oh, that feels like you're kind of manipulative or whatever, but you could say, I know therapy helped me. Would you, would you consider it?

Right. Not you should. I mean, it's, it's, it's good. It's good. It's good. I mean, it's, it's good. It's good. Any of it. So good. We have a call here from Leslie 52 in South Carolina. Hi, Leslie. Thanks for calling. You're on with Emily and JB back. So we just have a few, few minutes left. How

can we help? Thank you for taking my call. Of course. I have a question. My husband, whenever anything provocative is on TV, he will not even look at it and I've noticed his late teens early 20s children are doing the same thing. How would you or what would you suggest I do when I notice something like that? So meaning like something sexy comes out or something like a couple's making out

and then they just go, oh, gross or they kind of make a comment about it, is that what you're saying? Okay, how could we have Leslie here, Jamie? I mean, you've noticed it a number of times. I don't know if you feel comfortable again, getting curious with your husband outside of when it's happening because if you point it out and there are other people around when it's happening,

he may go into shame, which will bring him into a defense. But I would actually just say, I noticed that anytime there's something like provocative on TV, you shut it off and I'm curious, what's happening, like what goes on for you? And then I don't know if the other piece of like that you want to show them that it's okay to be sexual or it's okay to have sexual feelings,

if that is sort of in the same context. I don't know how much they know about sex, because there's lots of great information out there, and there's like scarlet teen is one of the best websites for really introducing people to sexual information at a teenage age. How old are the kids? Leslie. I think talking to them about what that's about and probably pointing it out. And then maybe if you know, I think also talking to the kids about, you know, healthy expression of sexuality and that it's okay. And maybe if you're all together again, you could bring it up and say, you know, your dad and I had to talk about this. But we decided that

it was just a pattern. He probably doesn't realize that he's been doing it their whole lives. So I think you could really be an asset if they're open. Yes, Jamie? Yeah. And I was just going to say and sharing with your husband about how it makes you feel when you see what he's doing, right? Because there is a part of you that already knows, like I think that showing healthy sex and sexual experience is important. So really sharing why that's important from your perspective, not again from an eye perspective, so important, but it's important to get your voice in there too. All right.

Okay. Does that make sense? Let's move. Okay, cool. Thank you. Lastly, keep it posted. I'd love to hear how this conversation goes down. Thank you for calling.

I think that's great. I love all these. Love the listeners. You're all so insightful and we're all learning and it's true. You know, if you've ever been with those people, like go, God, gross, don't look or you know, I totally see that. It's just a conditioning. Because it's awkward and parents don't know what to say,

but we've been talking a lot here about sex education and we've got some great podcasts out. So Jamie, Waxman, thank you for being here. It's so wonderful to see you again, Waxmansext3B.com. Sex Therapist Mom on Instagram. I love you Jamie. Alright, that's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Tuesday.

And thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, give us a review. You know, reviews help us. And also, if this show helped you in any way, you learned something, right now, just send it to a partner, a friend, a lover. We all need to learn, right? We're all in this together. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at sexwithemily.

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