Sex With Emily - Daddy Issues, Secret Hookups & Love Bombing With Violet Benson

Episode Date: October 3, 2020

If you’re trying to focus on self-improvement these days, you’re not alone. In today’s episode, Violet Benson talks about how isolation helped her develop a newfound appreciation for self-love and confidence. Violet is also the founder of @DaddyIssues on Instagram and the host of the podcast, Too Tired To Be Crazy. Not only does she discuss her new favorite vibrator, but she also shares how she learned to stop dating toxic people, the new ways she loves her body, and reveals her secret hookup with Too Hot To Handle’s Francesca Fargo.I also break down some important relationship terms: what exactly is “love bombing” and how does it correlate with codependency in relationships? Plus, I help a caller with tips on how to initiate sex without feeling like you’re left rejected.For more information about Violet Benson, visit: instagram.com/violetbensonFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So today, I'm joined by host of the podcast Too Tired to Be Crazy by the Benson about finding a partner who's actually right for you. Violet's been on a journey to find love and figured out she wasn't going to find someone good until she truly learned to love herself. And stick around because I also take your calls and answering as many as I have time to get to on the show. Because you are a mirror of who you date.

I'm exclusively dating my vibrator. And then leave all the insecurities outside the bedroom. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a bygone day. Alright, for each show, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you all to do the same. So what do I mean by this? But when you're listening, think about what you want to get

listening to this episode, how you think it could help you. Could be. Well, I keep dating people who I don't think are good for me, and I want to choose better partners in the future. My intention for the show is to reframe the conversation around self-love and body acceptance and how these positive practices can not only help you in your life, but guide you toward healthier relationship choices. You know I love reading and answering your questions, and if you'd like me to answer one, you can message me on Instagram, which is sexwithemily. Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com

as always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show or just call into my series XM show. It's Monday through Friday, 5-7pm Pacific. You can call at AAA94 stars or AAA9478277. If you don't have serious no problem, if you want to try it out, sexwithmlay.com slash SXM. Alright, enjoy the show. serious no problem if you want to try it out sex with Emily dot com slash s x m alright enjoy the show so it's funny cuz got an email this morning that kind of set this off what I

want to talk about Dave thirty fifty three in Louisiana Dave said I was wondering if real true relationships are still found in this day and age. I'm a 53 year old male, married twice, first, I didn't divorce, the second she died of cancer, a week after my daughter was killed. I've had a relationship since, but the only thing is I can't find a woman that wants my love. I'm old fashioned, I still open doors for ladies, I even walk old ladies across the street. I've been told I love too much, I put too much in a relationship. I don't understand this. Isn't that the way you're supposed to be not in a controlling way or suffocate them but be there for them, support them, respect them,

love them, am I the crazy one? What's wrong with everyone else? Right? But it's like this notion that we have and again, this happens with work, this happens with partners like, oh, I'm just giving, giving, giving, all the time. And I don't understand what's wrong with everyone else. And what I was gonna talk about was love bombing, which I think is a interesting concept. And love bombing can actually be often confused with a honeymoon phase.

So basically love bombing is a form of emotional manipulation used to gain power over another person by showering them with what appears to be a lot of attention and a lot of affection. Love bombing is actually a tactic using cults. You feel so loved, you feel so accepted. It feels like the honeymoon, but you're like, oh my god, this person is my everything. They're shying you through gifts and attention and love. You've never had so many compliments in your life.

You've never had anybody who has made you feel so loved and so, so alive. You're like, I didn't even know this person existed, right? Now, it can be mistaken to the honeymoon phase because you're like, well, that's what happened. I partnered with all the things. But in the honeymoon phase, here's the difference. In the honeymoon phase, because you're like, well, that's what happened. My partner did all the things. But in the honeymoon phase, here's the difference. In the honeymoon phase, the desire is typically,

we're gonna focus on like what you might want, right? Like what your find love just in a honeymoon phase, I'm gonna think, oh, my partner really like these chocolates. I'm gonna bring him these chocolates. Oh, my partner really likes movies. So I'm gonna plan the movie night with their favorite directly, right? I'm gonna listen to what they want.

They like hiking, I'm gonna to listen to what they want. They like hiking. I'm going to plan hikes. So the gestures are more thoughtful. They're like, I'm really thinking about this person. I want to please them. They're not just like empty gestures. They're not there just to impress the person. They're not used as a form of manipulation.

So the reason why the love bomber is doing all this attention, they're giving you all this attention, all this love is because they want recognition from you. They want you to say like, oh, now they're going to give it back to you. Oh, you're so amazing. You're the best partner I ever had. Now, the reason why they do this is because it's a sense of control. It's emotional manipulation, down the narcissism spectrum. They want to create a dependency. They want you to feel like you can't live without them. They want you to idealize them. Honeymoon phase is about just like, oh my God, this is new, everything's great. We want to do all the things. Love bombing. They're giving you compliments all the time, which again, I love a good compliment, but it's all the time to the point where it's like and they're excessive. They're like, nobody is more beautiful than you. You are the most beautiful person. You're so amazing. You're so incredible. You're so smart. And it's usually pretty early on. It's like from the jump.

But you're like, oh god, I'm felt this in a while. And this feels so amazing. They might also another sign you might be being in a love bomb relationship is they bombard you with gifts. So many gifts. And they also want to be acknowledged for their generosity. Sometimes they're extravagant, but what happens is eventually, that could lead into control. What happens is they compliment you, they buy you gifts. The relationship feels so intense in the beginning, but then it switches, right? Kind of think of a cult. Like, why do people go in a culture? Like, why would you go in there if you knew this?

The thing about people who are master manipulators, like professionals, and I'm not saying that lovebombers are walking around going, I'm going to go lovebombs. If all this stuff was conscious, we'd live in a much better place. Take a look at yourself. Self-awareness is the sexiest thing. Someone who could say, my past relationships I did ABC and now I'm trying not to do that. But anyway, they changed the rules, So you're like, hooked, right? It's like a drug. They're like gifts and compliments and extravagance. And then all of a sudden they start to pull back.

It's not there anymore. But what they're replacing that with are tactics that are, you know, like, oh, you didn't call or pass a progressive or they're showing up at your house more often or they're expecting things in return. And you're like, oh, I, you didn't know you pass up aggressive or they're showing up at your house more often or they're expecting things in return and you're like, oh, I, you know you wanted these things for me. You were just giving, giving, giving. But the problem is you get hooked to all the positivity and then it flips. It goes hard and fast like it's a fast bomb. It's literally a love bomb. You're like, oh my god, this is so good. I just, oh, wow, wow, wow, love all this love. But then they want something bright. No such thing as a free lunch. No such

thing as a bunch of free love. And then what happens is they get the gifts and the attention and the compliments and then it's replaced by like gaslighting or criticism. You start to doubt yourself. You're like, wasn't this so great? Didn't all these wonderful things, am I insane? And they might even tell you, you're lying, you're wrong, you can't trust your recognition of things, you don't know, you don't know. They criticize you, they make you feel bad, so this is why it's so confusing. And this isn't just love-bombing, this is unhealthy relationships. Because there's so many different ways to slice the toxic relationship, it could be narcissism,

it could just be all gas-lating all the time. What a good time, we're just gonna gas-light our way. It's where you feel like it could just be all gas-lating all the time. What a good time. We're just going to gas-light our way. It's where you feel like it's a bait-and-switch or like, I swear to God, I know I'm not crazy. I know we were both here and then now we've switched it. And then these are breadcrumbing you and giving you little compliments here and there. They do just enough to keep you hooked, but then it flips and it's more toxic, right? You know, they get needy.

They're upset with boundaries. They are a coaching on your personal space. Can be very challenging to be with someone like this. And you just, you know where to go with it? Because you're like, I'm attached to the love. I'm so attached to what I had. And then they switch, right? We got John 37 in California.

Hi, John, what's up? Tell me everything. I was just looking for some advice. My wife, she said that she wants me to initiate sex more often. But my wife has some medical issues. She troubles, she says she's tired a lot. And she has suffer from headaches and body aches.

And so I don't want to be selfish initiating sex all the time, you know? And so I was just looking for some advice on how to initiate sex, but I guess kind of not take her ailments for, you know, into consideration. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Okay, so here's my question. Is she usually the one initiating

and she's asking you to initiate more right now? Or? Well, yeah, she's usually the one that initiates. I got it. It seems like to me, when I initiate, it's a bad time. Or so I initiate less and less. I know her. Sure.

It's a good time. But yes, really, she says that she want to make you initiate more. But even but yes, really she said that she wanted me to initiate more, but you know even like you know just yesterday, you know, do I take that into consideration or do I just initiate that? Yeah, I think you initiate. So how long have you guys been together, John? We've been married for six years now. So here's the thing. This is a really common, okay, so in every relationship, John, I'm gonna tell you this.

There's usually the person that initiates and the person that doesn't initiate. And after a while, the person who's always initiating is like, I am done, I wanna feel desired, I want someone else to initiate. So the reason why you don't is there's probably lots of reasons. She hasn't probably been in pain the whole time.

It's because it's a new skill. So you haven't done it, right? You haven't done it before. And I would go back to her and say, okay, babe, I'd like to initiate. Can you tell me what that looks like? You get to ask a clarifying question. You could say, can you tell me what initiation looks like to you and when? And then she might say, well, for example, when you get home from work before you go up and, you know, whatever, take a shower or, you know, just ask what the ideal. She might say, I want you to come in and grab me and kiss me. I want you to turn the music on and pour me a glass of wine.

Sometimes we need more information of what it looks like. So I think that the, oh, well, she has paint. She's saying to you, I want sex all the time and initiate. And then then it will become a habit once you learn what, initiate. And then, then you'll become a habit once you learn what she needs. And then you'll figure out what you need. And so that's all it is. That's why you're probably not doing it

because you haven't had to. Yeah, well, I have. I've tried before in the past and it's kind of been that same thing. It's like, oh, my neck hurts. Oh, you know, oh, you know, I'm tired. Can we do it later? Or, you know, or something like that? So I think I kind of got discouraged a little bit and stopped initiating and kind of just

let her, you know, kind of take the lead there. I see. And then now she's saying she wants me to shake. And she did say something like you said. She said, I mean, you know, she wants me to be more, I guess, aggressive, you know, when it comes to it. And I'm like, that's fine all day. If you want to open up the floodgates, but...

Well, it also ping pongs in relationship. So if you were initiating early on, so here's another, I love that you're bringing this up. So maybe early on in your relationship, you are always initiating. And here's the thing about rejection. It doesn't take many times for it to become a habit in your brain like, oh God, I don't want to feel like rejected again. So I'm not going to try.

And now you've got to have been waiting till it's safe because it doesn't feel good to initiate sex and someone reject us. Just even if it's your wife, right? So now you're in this like, I don't want to feel that again because that felt really bad. And so now you're in a new cycle. And she's saying, sure enough, I'm ready again. I want you to do it. So you could say, I'm confused.

I want to be a great lover, great partner to you But I want to make sure it's a time you're not experienced pain So you just got to like schedule and say how Saturday morning? Let's have sex You know work around your schedules her pain and so I just think you need a little bit more Direction because when dad that when you're like overthinking it You're like oh should I do it now? But the phone ring and so I think if you say, I'm really interested in that, I'd like to start initiating what would be an ideal time for you.

What does it look like? When you say aggressive, do you want me to throw you down in the bed, do you want me to pull your hair, do you want me to spank you? What does that look like to you? It's okay to ask. Sounds like you don't know. Gotcha.

Okay. All right, well thank you very much. I appreciate it. All right, yeah, keep me posted. Let me know how it goes, John. All right. I'm gonna take a break and then I'm gonna come back. Don't go anywhere. Welcome back to Sector Family covering a lot, covering dating patterns, talking about sex. Also very excited because my guest tonight is Violet Benson. So who is Violet Benson, if you don't know? You probably follow her Instagram account, Daddy Issues, which was, I guess, she started

in 2014 and it instantly became a success. She's also got a podcast called Too Tired to Be Crazy, which airs every Thursday, known for its self-love and female empowerment, and she's just fucking hilarious. And we met because actually I was on and you can find her at Violet Benson and Daddy issues on Instagram and all the places. So I met behind Violet. It's good to see you. I was just thinking like I met you because we, I was on your podcast too tired to be crazy.

And it was awesome because we got on. We just get along. We just vibe. But we started, it was, you know, we were talking about sex. You talk about sex a lot on your show. And we had some great conversations. I think it was like an hour and a half talking about, and you put on this show. But it was a while ago. So every day is a new day.

And so we, it was great because we really got to know each other. We went there. And what I love is watching you evolve, we've all been evolving lately. But a lot of the things we talked about or about just kind of stuff about owning your body, knowing what feels good to you and knowing how to ask for what you want. And I remember it was like, one of the questions was like, what about my orgasm face? You've evolved so much since then, so you probably don't recall.

But I was like, well, that's hot if you even orgasm. And it was like, then we kind of flipped it about women. It became a lot more about women. And it was sort of a breakthrough moment for you that we are in charge of our pleasure, we're in charge of our orgasms. That's what's going to make us better lovers and enjoy sex more. And that's actually what's hot. I agree, because you helped me realize that I need to focus me and my women female listeners

like we need to focus more on what makes us come because that actually is what makes the guy come. Like the guy wants the men, they wanna see us. They wanna see us orgasm. And I feel like unfortunately the way I grew up, I feel like I learned all my sex through porn. So watching porn, I learned it by seeing that like it's always about pleasing the man.

And I feel like when you remember the first time you came on my podcast, you came twice. Twice, like literally. I came twice. You came twice with me. So by you literally taught me when I was asking you, the first time you came on my show, I was asking all these questions geared towards pleasing a man.

And then you're just like, what about pleasing you? And I was just like, but that is pleasing me. You're just like both seriously. So how's it been going now? I mean, look COVID, right? COVID, yeah. Like the only date I've had, we had a Zoom date. That's so boring. Dude, I know. It's been rough.

I mean, come on, it's COVID. Okay, but what's going on right now with you? Anything? Sexually or you dating? Well, sexually, I feel like I stopped having sex. I haven't had sex since April, and it's been by choice because I, like, first, you know, I feel like last year I was learning more about my body, my sexuality. since April and it's been by choice because I like first,

I feel like last year I was learning more about my body, my sexuality. And then I feel like this year with COVID, I had no choice but to really look into myself and like my toxic behaviors and all those things. And I started to kind of also acknowledge the kind of men that I've been choosing because I started to feel like am I dating the same guy just in different bodies?

And I was because you are a mirror of who you date. And because I feel like I I dating the same guy just in different bodies? And I was, because you are a mirror of who you date. And because I feel like I was maybe a little toxic or didn't love myself, I was choosing men who also didn't love themselves or were feeling low. So I feel like this year, suddenly it pivoted from sex to pivoting, like working on loving myself. And once I grown and figure out how to love myself,

which every day is a new journey, I've realized I like, I don't even wanna share my body and my energy and my time with every single guy. I want to hold onto it. And I'm not saying my vagina is so magical or something. I mean, probably, I'm kidding. It's not. It's probably.

It's beyond this. I'm kidding, it's not, but I just realized I'm not even about my vagina, just giving my body now to somebody that I feel like doesn't deserve my time Energy anymore just doesn't seem right and I feel like that's why I kind of been holding off on Sleeping with anyone COVID or not. I just wouldn't even do it right now because I just don't think everyone deserves my body And energy and my time and my personality. That is so wise

So let me ask you this question because it's fun You bring that up. We've been talking about that a lot lately about toxic relationships and the patterns. And I hear from people all ages, all different types of relationships. And we just don't, sometimes we don't even see it. It takes years and years of dating the wrong person over and over and over again. So what was your sign? What was the same guy in every body? What was the makeup of that guy?

I feel so bad because this guy is my friend now. So I feel bad that he isn't the example, but it was a weird thing. Like we were dating. Remember that one guy that was like, he can't get his dick up and we'd never fuck. Yes. Yes. Yes. I do. So that guy and whatever, it's nice fault. I'm not here to shame. Body shame or anything like that because I know people get really sensitive about stuff. That's not the case at all. Not right. It wasn't about our dick not getting up, but it was more bad. We weren't fucking shame on anything like that because I know people get really sensitive about stuff. That's not the case at all. Not shit, right? It wasn't about our dick not getting up, but it was more about it. Yeah, we weren't fucking, but it was just about the type of person I picked.

I picked him because he, like, my friends even at one point, my friends made me create a list of like the pros and cons. And the pros were like, we were like four or five things. Like, he's nice to me. He drives me around because I don't like to drive. He likes to watch movies with me, like cons. He's an ex-drug addict. He doesn't have a job. He still lives at home. watch movies with me, like cons. He's a next drug addict. He doesn't have a job.

He still lives at home. He can't get his dick up. He has a really tiny dick. We never fuck. He follows other girls on Instagram. Even though I told him with my feelings, my dad cried when I told him we were dating. He's a next co-catic.

It was like such a long list. And I kid you not Emily. I wrote that list. And the next day, we were already broken up. But this one the next day after writing that list, I texted an essay of why I think he's my person and he told me I think not. And I was like, all right, and that's when I was like,

interesting, it's time to look in the mirror. Oh my god, wait. So you write this list and it's so clearly, like your dad's crying, he lives at home. He's an ex-drogadic and you're like, this must mean love. So you wrote an essay. This is what people realize. We need to go through the ringer sometimes. We need to have something so horrific happen. So we wake up and realize something's not for us. And he's a nice guy. It was just, why did I like him? Because I liked how it felt nice,

the way he saw me through his eyes, because the way you fall in love is the way other people see you. So the way he would look at me, like on this pedestal, and he always felt like he wasn't good enough for me. And instead of hearing him, I was just like, wow, you think I'm so amazing. And it made me feel good about myself

because in that moment, I couldn't feel good about myself without that man's validation. And I didn't realize that yet until after I think God, you know, God blessed me and he reject me again. And I was like, all right. And after that, I was like, it's time to start dating and move on. And I moved on. But after that, it was the weirdest thing. Like, because it took me a second to get over him. That's what I was still trying to tell him is the one. And I didn't, I couldn't understand why I was holding on to him. And I realized because he was this weird concept

of all the past shitty men updated. And he was like that last person, and not to be very poetic, because I am, I feel like the reason it took me a second long with to get over him, because I was holding myself back. Like it was this moment where I didn't want to grow up. Like I knew if I let him go, I had to enter a new chapter in my life.

And I feel like I was holding on to him because I was holding on to all my talks to itself. And when I finally let him go, he was like the last chapter in the book of me dating shitty men. And it was at over, it ended. And when I finally close our book, I feel like I felt free.

And suddenly my perspective changed on what I deserve. And I think people get mixed up because they think when I'm like telling women to believe that they're a prize, people get upset that like men are great too. Of course, when you love somebody, that's your king. Treat him like your king, he's amazing. I'm talking about like first, I need to love myself.

I need to be the best version of myself in order to attract the best version for myself. Exactly. Be the person you wanna find find, I always say. So what I love about what you're saying is, you know, so many of us have these patterns and I do say be the person you want to find, which is what you're saying. It's like when we become the best versions of ourself, whatever was attractive before, well no longer even will be like, what?

Like you literally turn the other way, but it feels like we are so stuck when we haven't done that in our journey yet. And in a way, this whole COVID thing has flattened everybody. Like you can't do as much. If we're just home, you have no choice. I guess you could continue to toxic behaviors or you're like, all right, something's got to change. Exactly.

So it's always a process towards loving yourself, but that's done good work. Yeah. presses towards loving yourself, but that's done good work. Yeah, and I was so stuck on constantly looking at my attachment style or having that, you know, my daddy issues with the fact that I have abandonment issues. And I was always so upset and sad and wanting to cry about the fact like, why did they always leave? And then I realized like,

but what if I change my perspective and it's I'm the one that's leaving now? Cause I know that I deserve better. So then it's suddenly, I feel like I even changed the thought in my brain about them, abandon issues. That's like people no longer leaving me. It's me leaving them because they don't deserve my time. So it's like you flip the script, but then there might be somewhere in the middle where,

okay, because abandon issues I get. And I can relate because I do have abandon issues, but sometimes what happens is you get really attached, then you think, I'm going to date different kinds of people, and then we put our walls up, so you won't let them get as close, so you get to decide if you leave. So it's sort of, yeah.

Make sure we don't flip that script. The wall stuff is hard. So hard. Like even, I was, I would just recently went to YouTube with a couple of friends, and it always makes me sad to always get the same feedback which I wish I could be better with and the feedback that I always get is V. You're such a sweet, amazing person

and you're so sweet but I wish you didn't have to go to battle with every person and like with such high walls before they had to break it down before they got to see the sweet person. Like I wish everyone else could see how nice you really are. And like, that always touches me. I feel like maybe you've said it to me too.

But I did last time we'd on our Zoom date. Not only drive either. In fact, I like a guy who drives too. I have to say, but when we're talking and what happened was it was funny because we had this moment and I think this is such a good thing to talk about. I now remember what it was. I was supposed to come over after the show and it was like, I don't remember. I was like, I can't drive. I was tired. I over after the show and it was like, I don't remember. I was like, I can't drive.

I was tired. I base time due and you're like, are you coming? I'm like, I want to, because I'm just a pleaser too. I'm like, I want to, but if I can drive and then you're like, don't come, whatever. And then it was like this snap moment where you're like, I'm not gonna let you hurt me. You kick and then I'm such a, I'm like,

and then we got, it was the sound of my tongue silly, but it's such a subtle moment. I was like, oh my God, are you mad? I'm not. And then we flipped it. And then later got, it was the sound of my tongue silly, but it's such a subtle moment. I was like, oh my God, are you mad? I'm not gonna, and then we flipped it. And then later on in the conversation, we were talking, I said, it's those moments. It's that moment where you feel like someone's gonna reject you,

even though it was just me coming over, and it was so you're right. But you went, forget it. And it was like the side of you that I, but I know you, I was like, are you mad? You're like, no, and then we got through and talked for two hours. So it's interesting. It's those kind of things in the moment where you're like, did I just put up a wall? Did I just set a nasty text? Because if I

didn't know, I could have hung up, but like she's mad, you know what I mean? It just sounds silly, but it's, it's that, it's that protective shield that's a habit from childhood from someone who left us from all those things. And so we just do that. We have repetitive behavior. So I think that's what it was. So I love that you went to Utah and your friends said that to you. We all know I was like, I'm trying. But I remember that with you. I was like, don't come.

Honestly, I generally don't care if you come or not. I'm a lyric. I'm over it. And I love that you were just like, I saw your face change. And then I felt a little awful, because not just I have it for me Did you look whatever did you touch myself from the situation and instead you we had a whole conversation and like About how we push people away and I do it too. No, but I do it too

I've done that in relationships where I push people away By not being available like I don't care we can get together or not But I do it in a nicer way like you're more I think aggressive You're like, I don't aggressive. You're like, hey, don't come over. Bam, I'm blocking your number. But I'll be like, well, maybe, and then I wish you what I've canceled and then I could do it. And then I don't fully commit either.

And then people think I'm not interested. So I've really tried to work on that too. So just letting people know, it's all fucking communication. That's why we say communication is lubrication. The other thing about your trip to Utah was talking about how you learn to take step to your body. And that's a stupid issue. Like, learning how to, I don't remember what you were saying

like about, like, how do you learn to, because we get the f-mob or listeners as well, how do we love our body and the face of being with somebody when there's, we all have stuff we don't like. What happened to Utah? We haven't, I don't know, what happened. We haven't talked. So basically, it had this another realization

because I'm working on loving myself, but I can't help but still have those normal insecurities that other women have. We are so hard on ourselves, and sometimes we forget the things that we're so self-conscious about. Men don't even notice. And you've told me that before,

you know, men are just happy to be there. Like when you're having sex with them, they're just so thankful they got invited to the party. Yeah, he's like, I can't believe I'm here. He's not going to kill us. They're both right. They're going to rip it out. Right.

Like she gave the pound. Like no, they're psyched and you're hot and when you're confident, like that's what they think. Exactly. Confidence is everything. And I feel like I got to see that firsthand because I went to Utah and the girls that I went to Utah with were all so much skinnier than me. It's fine. I'm not saying I'm fat or anything, but they were, you can tell, they were much thinner than me and some of them were also shorter than me

and I'm tall. So I'm just looking so much heavier and first I was just like, wait, I'm gonna have to be in a bathing suit for like four or five days around these girls like every day and I kind of felt self-conscious about myself and nervous and then I was like, whatever, be like, just take it, just take it till you believe it. And I was kind of faking it, you know, continue my confidence. And I kid you not, every guy there still wanted to get with me. I was probably like the first person they first noticed. And that told me that one, a, men will fuck almost anything then. And they'll fuck anything once they're drunk.

And then, me, they love a woman with confidence, and the things that we get so insecure about, like our body's like, oh, my hip goes out a little. Oh, I love it. A little of a foopah. Mendo even noticed that. So what are you doing? Yeah, you're right.

You were just walking around like, and I made it to the whole time. On your right. And it was hot and it was awesome. So that was a confidence. It's just letting those things go because the things that set us back as our thoughts, like you could have been like, oh, I'm worried, put your sweatshirt on.

No, you went out there. I love comps. I mean, it was like a hundred and ten degrees out. Wait, what are you gonna do? Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more we talk about your COVID sex life? I am not having sex. Okay, per se.

I just forgot that I do have a new roommate joining me and I have hooked up with her before and people are making jokes. So like like so your girlfriend's moving in. You guys are not roommates, your girlfriend's and I was like no we're not girlfriends because you know but it seems like so far she's been dating other guys and I guess in a way she's only girl having kissed so I didn't realize I like forgot about it. I guess technically I'm like an exclusive relationship with somebody without realizing no I'm kidding we're not exclusive at all. Tell me about her.

Was it your first? No. When I went to Israel, there was a girl that I started talking to on vacation a few months ago. I don't like to categorize myself, but I would categorize myself as pansexual if I had to. Whoever I connect with is more like for me. I don't really. Yeah, I don't have a type, but then I was just, I feel bad I'm talking about her,

but whatever. She'll be with it. But basically, I interviewed her. She's on the show, for my friend Francesca, she's on the show called Too Hot To Handles. So I met her by interviewing her for my podcast about her ex-boyfriend. And when I interviewed her, I didn't think anything of it because I wasn't even sure if we'd buy, but she told me that she already thought that there's a potential that we're going to hook up. So apparently she knew I didn't know yet. And then you said it was Francesca from Too Hot to Handle. Francesca. So she's hot. So wait, so this was on Zoom or was it in person? In person. Like a week or two later, I was at my friend's house and just a couple of my guy friends and we went to dinner and then we went back to my friend's house and

he was like she invited Francesca, she's so hot and I was like okay and I'm by Francesca for my guy friends, but then she was really hot so then I was like she does look good. And I don't know, next thing I know well we all went into the pool and I didn't want to wear bathing bathing suit, so I just went in naked. And then we, I think she grabbed me because she's kind of aggressive. And she grabbed me and we started making out and I was down with it.

And we were just having a full-on, hot make-out session. I think I was kind of interested in some guy. And then some of the guys were interested in her. And then I just forgot about it. So then I just clocked, blocked everyone. I just kept her to myself. And then we were just together for the rest of the night. And then I was super drunk. And I was like, she told me she was looking for a new place.

And I was like, oh, just move in. And the next day when we were sober, she was just like, were you serious? And I was like, honestly, yeah, it's cool. Just move in. So now she's going to move in. And all my friends were like, I don't know if this is the idea. This just happened like a week ago? It's cool. Just move in. So now she's gonna move in and all my friends are like I don't know if it's a good idea. This just happened like a week ago. No, okay We went on vacation together. We went to Utah together a few days. It was part of Utah. Okay

We were making out there too. Oh, okay, so it's like a whole week long thing a few weeks We know but it's No, I Like her as a person. Okay. I think with her moving in, like we just have to set boundaries because like I just want to make sure that I'm fuck, I feel so bad about to say this part. Well, she was trying to have a three, some of me in Utah, but I wasn't interested because I'm just not trying to have anything enter me right now because I'm trying to be celibate, you know, for myself and to work on myself. So it's important for me to just steer clear from my private parts, touching anyone, except my own hands and vibrator. So like,

I did enjoy it on, plus I've never had a threesome before. So, but it's too impersonal for me. So she is moving in next month for three months. And hopefully we're not going to, like, in order for us to have a good roommate relationship with Bobby, have to see her clear of, like, me being a part of a thrupal. You're just days away from a thrupal. She's just like such a great kisser. Violet, okay, back up.

Have you made out with her when you were not drunk? When you were sober? Have you had a sober make out sash with her yet? I can't remember how many times I've kissed her, I'd eat probably, maybe. Okay. So you're having fun, which I like. I like that you're having fun.

She's gonna be a good time. We've seen each other naked, but like I haven't touched her PUSS SWAT. Her private private private. I haven't touched her petunia. She hasn't licked my taco. Didn't I teach you anything? Like, you're gonna be my roommate.

So who knows what's gonna happen? I know maybe you'll be like sharing a bed. Like who knows what could happen? What do you do? My two-shot. My two-shot. My two-shot. My two-shot.

My two-shot. You're both. See, I think you have to do both. I mean, I don't have to, but it's a journey for both. Oh my God, my favorite vibrator. Tell me. Is this one? I need to look up the name, but it's basically like normally only use the masturbating vibrators to just vibrate on your

glit, but this one goes inside of you too. And I don't mind because the thing that goes inside of you goes like this. And then the thing that goes in your clitoris vibrates. And I tried it and I kid maybe this is why I stopped having sex. It was the best orgasm of my life. And orgasm from both places and I was so shook. It sounds like you were using a dual stimulation vibe, which we like to call a rabbit vibrator in the business. Yes, I was using that. And there was that thing that was going like this in and out

of my, what do you call that area? My vagina. Maybe a vagina. going like this in and out of my, what do you call that area? My vagina. Maybe a vagina. And then the simulator on my clitoris was moving. Yes, it was an internal and then we called it a rabbit vibe. So it was going internally. So you had what you're saying is you had a blended orgasm

for the first time. Yes. Okay. So it was my blowing. It was so insane. I've never had that type of orgasm before that. I literally was like, I don't think I could ever have sex again because this is the first time I've ever experienced this type of orgasm. It was insane. Like I still think about it sometimes. Like it was so crazy that that vibrant is my boyfriend now.

That is amazing that you because see then this is what you're trying to do right now, is that you are now learning, like that can happen too if you choose one day to allow a penis to enter you. You could still use a vibrator, clitoris. This is my technical question. Did you have a literal orgasm first? And then-

Both at the same time. Both at the same time. Both at the same time. Okay, that's amazing. So they both came at the same time and that's why I love the word. So did I. We're talking about that. We've made one called the Nova. Now I wonder what it is. Was it one of the ones I gave you?

I think it's possible. Yeah, actually. I'm so amazed by it. It's amazing. We're dating now. I'm exclusively dating by it. It's amazing. It's, we're dating now. I'm exclusively dating my vibrator. Exclusive dating your vibrator. Violet, I love your life.

The rabbit vibe. If you guys ever want to know, I can match you with your perfect vibe. I don't know that I got you this vibrator, but a rabbit vibe is cool because it's stimulating all those 8,000 nerve endings. Yeah. Well, this one I have like 10 vibrators. So it was like, it was just like, all of them were not charged. So I finally grabbed that one new one. And I tried it out. And it was

blew me away. I mean, literally, yeah, that was like, we're together now. And you're learning and growing. And you're not going to be with assholes Can we all just learn and grow now? But really like don't you think this is sort of leveled us if if people are like it's no big deal Just been home just my whole life has changed This is time to do the deep soulful work I think so too. I started at my worst and I got into my best You turned it on my worst, and I got into my best. Damn, well you look great.

I'm gonna ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. Ready? Viol Benson. What's your biggest turn on? Confidence. My biggest turn on. Turn off?

Lack of confidence. What makes good sex? Me coming. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. That sex is not love. And I need to remember that. Always. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That it's about both of the partners enjoying themselves and to not take it so

seriously and to just have fun and the fact that you were both vulnerable. So just as much as you feel insecure with your body, the person feels the same way, and they're not even thinking about anything you're insecure about. So I wish everyone could know to walk into the bedroom confident and then leave all their insecurities outside the bedroom.

Yes, I love this. You're all growing up. It's awesome. Thanks to you. Yeah, a colorless girl. You're my girl. So, okay, we have another minute here. So, daddy issues. We're going to talk about this for one second.

So, you've talked a lot about how you evolved and grown and abandoned issues and that working on yourself is love. What did you learn this week? What do you think you've done this week that's helped you? Like, what's our parting advice for people to love that we haven't covered? Okay. Here's a parting, a little parting saying that I've learned this week, a parting gift for me is that if there's one thing I can leave you with,

it would be to remember that everyone is going through something, especially through these times right now, so to be kind or to other people, when you're kind to others, you release serotonins in your body and you feel happier and you make other people feel happier and then they're nicer to someone else because when you're holding on to salt, because I've seen people sometimes

be mean to me on the internet and I just think like, wow, I feel so bad for this person that's holding on to so much hate and so much anger in their heart that they have nothing else better to do than to like try to to take it out on other people if only they knew that if they just release some of that anger

whether they're crying and telling a friend how much better they were feeling their heart because it's kind of like when you carry a backpack and you keep putting books into the backpack after a while you can't carry it anymore. And it's the same thing. When you hold on to all this anger and emotions and resentment, your heart after a while, you can't hold it all in there. And you just have to let it go. And when you let it go, life just gets so much easier and better. And you wake up relieved and happier. And then you want to be happier to other people. And then all these little things about you before,

you wouldn't care anymore. Because you're happy with yourself. All right, that's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Tuesday. And thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, give us a review. You know, reviews help us. And also, if this show helped you in any way, you learned something right now just send

it to a partner, a friend, a lover. We all need to learn, right? We're all in this together. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at SexWithEmily. Oh, send it for my newsletter. People tell me I give really good newsletter. Sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there we've got so many great blogs. Oh, send it for my newsletter. People tell me I give really good newsletters. Sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, we've got so many great blogs. If you'd like to talk to you about your sex life, dating, relationships, just message me on Instagram or call in to my serious sex M show Monday through Friday, 5-7pm Pacific. You can call me there, triple 8-9, 4, 7, 8, 2, 7, 7.

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