Sex With Emily - Daddy Issues w/ Violet Benson

Episode Date: March 19, 2022

I am joined by Violet Benson, host of the new podcast Almost Adulting and creator of the wildly popular Instagram account  @DaddyIssues_. Over the last couple of years, Violet has become well known for her irreverent relationship and dating advice. In this interview, Violet reveals why she has stopped dating (for now), what exactly a “pick me girl” is and how attraction is not always dependent on good looks. And because this is a sex show after all, Violet shared some tips for avoiding potentially embarrassing moments in the bedroom. This is a good one!For More Violet:Almost Adulting PodcastMeme Instagram | Personal Instagram | Podcast InstagramTwitter | Facebook | Youtube Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Maybe instead of focusing so much on healing someone who didn't ask for my help, I try to heal that part of me. Because it's kind of funny at lifetimes when you look for specific things and partners, your favorite thing about partner are things that exist inside of you that you don't realize that are there, whether they're good or bad. Yeah, it's like a mirror. Like how? Yeah, how can I love that the most about this person but hated the most about me?

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, I'm doing by Violet Benson, host of the new podcast, Almost Adulting and creator of the wildly popular Instagram account that you probably already follow daddy issues. Over the last couple years, violence become well known for her reverent relationship and dating advice. And we've done a few shows together, but in this interview, violent reveals why she stopped dating for now. What exactly a pick me girl is and how attraction is not always dependent on good looks and because this is a sex show after all

Violence shares some of her personal tips for avoiding potentially embarrassing moments in the bedroom. We cover a lot in this episode You're gonna love it. All right, intentions with Emily for each episode Join me in setting intention for the show. I do it. I encourage you to do it. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of it? My intention is to give you some levity, to not take yourself so seriously, and to enjoy a conversation with my friend Violet Benson, because listen, dating, sex, relationships, can we all just have a little bit more fun with it? Well, today, you're going to be inspired to do just that. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, What to Do When Your Partner Says No To Try New Things In The Bedroom, is Up at SexFamily.com.

Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh, you can totally change your name if you want to remain anonymous. Alright, everyone, Daddy Issues. Violet Benson is the host of the formark Tutor to be crazy podcast and the forthcoming almost adulting coming soon. Find her on Twitter and Instagram at Daddy Iss issues or at Violet Benson on Instagram.

We've done a lot of interviews together, we've been together, we've talked a lot about sex and relationships and dating, so I texted you when I said, what do you wanna talk about? Like, what's going on with Violet Benson? I haven't really seen you in person in two years. And you said to me, you're done with dating. Number one. I would like to take a break from dating men.

Okay. Would you like to date other people? Or just dating in general? I think I would want to take a quick break for a second from dating in general. Technically, I feel like I'm always dating, but I think I was constantly drawn to people that I know are not right for me,

or people that I'm looking for, are probably casual things with them. And then I get upset when they agree to the casual stuff that I'm kind of like, I mean, I wanted it, but why do you want it? Like, maybe you don't want the casual. So it sounds like, yeah, I think I secretly don't want the casual, but also the hard time being vulnerable

and getting close. It's like the anxious attachment style, which I am too. Yes. Yes, exactly. And I just think it's hard to be open and to have a say I might want something more because what if they don't? Hey, it's hard to find someone you can connect with.

I struggle with a B. I'm very busy and C and this has recently a conversation that I have with my mother. It didn't work out with you me and some guy, which it was never even that serious, but to be honest, I kept him in arms lying, but maybe that's also me blaming myself. Like he wasn't my person. How do you, he wasn't your person?

I mean, I knew I like literally was planning it to be very casual this person. I kind of set it up front. I think so, I say stupid stuff, just to see people's reactions. And I think someone's just build up a wall around me and then I just assume people break it down and they don't.

And I think like I'll say things and then I get surprised when those other people pull away because it's like, well, they're human beings. So obviously if I'm like, I don't look at you or someone I can date or you do this and that, then what do you expect? They're gonna, that's kind of your pattern. If you know you, you throw things out there that are,

yeah, to see the reactions Or happy will handle it and then when they start to go along with exactly because men are very simple We forget so when they start to go along with what you decided then I can get upset like wool this and that and I don't know Tell us about your mom. This is really good. So basically the other night I've started to feel sad and I have a hard time admitting when I'm sad but my mom has told me that I need to be better with communicating and I've been working on it. So I called my mom and I was just like it didn't work out with this guy and she was so happy because she did not like him for me anyway. Not to mention it was I kept a very

casual, I kept it in my arms like but he decided to go with someone else And then he told me about it out of respect Basically, I didn't really like him so it was silly that I even care about it was just like fuck like mom I just feel like I'm so good at everything else like I'm so good at figuring out business Getting all these degrees like buying this home on my own like how can I do everything else? And it's like no matter what I do, like, I feel like I always fail. I love and I feel so embarrassed. And she was just like, don't feel embarrassed, but she said,

can I tell you something about you getting offended? And I said, sure. And she goes, you constantly have a thing where you pretend to be someone else all the time. And if you constantly pretend to be someone else all the time, then you can be upset when you feel like nobody knows who you are. Because I is my biggest problem. Some of them that feel like,

oh, people don't get me and all that. And I was just like, oh, you're so right. Like that makes so much sense. And I do have a hard time where constantly pretend to be perfect. Whether it's with guys, like, oh, what is this guy? Like, oh, he likes a girl that's, as much as I try not to be a pick me girl,

it's my daddy. She's like, oh, he likes a girl into's as much as I try not to be a pick me girl, it's my daddy. She's like, oh he likes a girl into music. Suddenly I'm so into music. Or oh he likes a girl that's funny and quirky, suddenly I'm funny and quirky. And my mom was like, like, you know how you are around me and dad sometimes. You just like yourself and you're dorky. Or even when you're feeling sad right now or when you fail, like, she's like, that's more you. And I think people don't see that side of you. So something is, it's probably hard for some people to date you or to be around you because it's like this person is so perfect. And everything she does is a success.

And she holds herself to such a high regard that it's almost hard to compare to it. Or whatever. And I was like, you're so right. But I also do that on my podcast too. I can come off overly cocky because I want everyone else to be confident and I don't always feel confident,

but I know that if I keep pretending that I eventually feel confident. So, what are you afraid of? These guys see you in a certain way like does it feel like you won't be lovable? No, like I do love myself. I do find myself very lovable. I think I just have a hard time like showing the other side of me. It's not even on purpose. And I think I discussed

in one of my sole episodes this month. I tried to explain it because I do try to better dissect and understand it. And I think it has to do with my whole growing up, I felt invisible and not the cool girl, not the pretty girl, and it took me a long time to kind of get into my looks and get into my confident. And now I'm finally there, like I'm the confident person. So I think I have a hard time to act more vulnerable because it makes me feel like I'm going back to, you know, that girl who felt invisible. I don't. So you're creating sort of vulnerability and dating

with the girl that didn't feel hot growing up. Yeah, the girl that felt invisible, which I know it's all in your head because I recall a while back when I was this guy who I grew up with. And I told them how, when we were growing up, I felt like him and his friends never noticed me. And I was so invisible.

And he was just like, we did notice you, like, V, that's in your head, like, that's how you felt. And I completely agree because I think a lot of the time it doesn't matter how you look, how much you work out or you'd die you're on. If you don't feel good about yourself when you enter a room, then no one else is gonna notice you. When you walk into a room and you're confident,

then everyone notices you. And I've learned that. That's why I try so hard to constantly be this person. And I'm not always that person. So I hear the thing. What I love that you're saying is that you've worked to such great proof here to show that there's been so many ways that you've had success.

And be didn't know all about business, but you had to like, you had to make it happen. I wouldn't say fake it till you make it, but you had to like work really hard, you worked really hard to be confident and to walk into the room and have all of the success. And so now if I told you that actually being real and vulnerable in a relationship is a practice.

So maybe let this show and this new turn you're almost adulting part of that, I think for you is gonna be like, it's okay to say that this is like the turning point, like you're not gonna date the guy to you know on the fur, like this guy that you're ending, you're like I knew he wasn't the one. Let's say that this is like the turning point. Like you're not going to date the guys who you know on the further, like this guy that you're ending. You're like, I knew he wasn't the one.

Let's say that that doesn't happen to get, maybe it'll happen another one or two times. But maybe you're looking for the guys that you can say to them, this is new to me. Like this is something I'm practicing right now. I'm all these things. I'm hot, violent, I'm confident. This is my home, I fucking bought it.

I've got this business. I'm really good at all these things. But relationships is my new edge. Relationships is my new thing. I'm actually want to be vulnerable and I fucking bought it. I've got this business, I'm really good at all these things, but relationships is my new edge. Relationships is my new thing. I'm actually want to be vulnerable and I want to commit and I want to be in it, but I'm going to learn. And so I might run away. I might not call you back.

I might say things that might turn you off right away, but I'd like you to check it with me and say, when you said that yesterday, did you really, now this takes maturity in a man. I think so too, because not, I mean, if who's going to stick around if you just have a whole layout? Okay, so on Monday, sometimes I get a little scared, and you may not hear from me between two to five business days.

On Tuesdays, I'm a little quirky, so that's the best time for you to call me. One's days though, not the best. So maybe wait a few hours, wait till evening time to contact me. Thursdays are best to go out with me. Those nights are in like, I would love that. To me, I would sign up for this right now.

Then I won't fuck around calling you on a Monday to Tuesday and wondering why you don't call me. This is the thing. We have all the answers, it's like the Violet Benson Operations Manual. And if you could share that with someone and say, as soon as I wake up in the morning, like the violent Benson operations manual. And if you could share that with someone and say, it sends I wake up in the morning, I do that with my partner out too. And I'm like, I might say this, but I don't really mean it. If I say to you, I

always come back, I'm like, listen, last night, when I'm all the time, I'm doing this. Last night, when I say I didn't really want to come over, it was more like, I wasn't sure that you really needed me to come over or you wanted me to go, like, I fucking do that. That's so true. There's so many times I'm like, or even the partner I was with, they would suddenly get up to leave and I'm like, oh, okay, did you want to go in there? Like, no, I just assumed, because you said, you said I have work after this. I just assumed that was my cue to leave. And I'm like, no, I just meant I've worked in a couple of hours, but we can still hang out. And you're like, oh, okay, sorry. And it's like, we always forget how easy Mr. Meek is.

It's so easy. And then most of it's with text or messaging, and it's all off. So I think that the practice is just saying, like, this is gonna happen. It might not be that open. I might not be as clear, but I want you to check me on these things.

You can say that on the first date. I think that we are trained to think that we're supposed to be perfect at any of that would be awkward or weird. But if you do something to the guys like that's weird I don't want it. What if I want to talk to you in a Monday night? You're guy Because you will find the people that are like, oh, I'm so relieved to know that It's hard for me to show that side but also last year when I was doing my two-time to be crazy podcast It was so focused on dating relationships and I was reading so many

It was so focused on dating relationships and I was reading so many self-help books, so many dating books, so many relation books, like watching so many TED Talks non-stop because I wanted to be knowledgeable enough to give that dating advice. So I started to feel like a walking dating textbook and a guy even harder for me to date and I was also so drained and exhausted from it. I think that's another reason why suddenly I felt like I had to be this perfect person when it came to dating because all I did was give advice about it and that's one of the reasons I suddenly towards the end of last year I decided to take a break from the podcast and change the whole structure of my podcast right now because I knew that from my own sanity and mental health I just can't do dating every day,

because then I struggle. But it's also hard, I think, when you do what we do for a living, a lot of times people don't realize that it's just like the way there are actors on TV who are playing a role, we are characters, as much as we're real, I am in control of what I put out into the world,

and I'm a control free. So there's a specific character of me. Most people see only one side of me, unless they dig in and listen to my podcast or see all my sides, they'll see my vulnerable sides. But the point is that with the lifetimes, I've noticed sometimes it's hard to date men because they have an idea of me. And sometimes it gets scared that the men who go out with me, they're going out with me because they want to go out with the idea of me, the version of me, the daddy issue girl that they

have in their head versus who I really am. So sometimes I meet someone even friends and I'm kind of like, which version of me did you fall in love with that I need to be right now? I think it's all being with all of these things. And I think that we're all all of these things. I think right now this is what we're talking about. It's sort of a theme that you're gonna show up in all the ways to be yourself.

You're gonna be vulnerable and open like you are with your parents when your parents are, like how you are with them and that quirky stuff is how you're gonna be in all the ways. You have close friends, like we're all like that. Like it's all really hard. I think we all go up and down and listen, I can relate to you.

People think they're gonna have sex with me and it's gonna be like like, they're going to walk in and there's going to be like the sipping set up, all the toys are going to be chargers, going to be like handcuffs and things and swinging for the rafters. And it's not always like that. And sometimes I don't even want sex. Sometimes I can have orgasms, I don't want orgasms, I don't feel like giving them blowjob, I don't want to get naked, I'm going to have sex with you. I don't, like, I'm not, I know what to do and I know how to communicate it, but it doesn't mean that I always want sex, and that's like every sex is always great,

but what makes sex great is that I'm real about it. I think with partners now, and I've learned this, I went through the same journey as you, where I was like, I have to always be on, and I have to always be performing, and I have to wear the matching underwear, says like, you know, I just don't feel like having sex tonight, and I feel like the best sex I'm having now

is when it's just like so fucking real. First of all, no one wants to date anyone who thinks they're a no-it-all. And the thing about sex and about dating is it's like an art, and I can help anyone with sex. I can talk to anyone for two minutes and tell them exactly what they need to do with the next step. But personally, I also see that sex and dating is complicated, it changes in relationships. It's really about being real and being vulnerable

and being honest and being able to communicate. What is happening with you in the moment and showing that full spectrum of who you are? Which is where I think you're getting right now, which I love this hard reset for you with almost adulting because a huge part of adulting is learning how to communicate your needs and being real and being honest.

And so I love this for you. If you've been in a relationship a longer term relationship, what was somebody that you feel like that was sort of close? Are we just sort of starting blank slate right now? I think all my past relationships were in my 20s and one of them being on offer 70 years

and that was very toxic because I don't like change. I stayed in it for so long and then I did try to date as I'm not older, but I keep growing as a person. So I think every time I keep growing as a person, I enter a new chapter, and suddenly, even the people I like are different. But I have said before that I've never been physically

attracted to people, and that's not how I'm attracted to people, so that's what's really hard for me. It's more about people's quonko vibe and personality and aura and things like that. That's usually what I'm drawn to. So I do find it sometimes harder for me because it's not like I can sit on dating apps in general and just swipe because I don't, I'm not attracted to anyone. I can say when someone's handsome, but I'm not attracted to that. Yeah, super comments like a sabreosectual. You're attracted to their mind, their brain, you need a connection with someone.

Yeah, I think that's maturity, too. Yeah, so it's something I think it's harder for me to find that connection. And then sometimes I've noticed that if there's those people that you're so drawn to, the automatically, you're both like, and that was with the last guy, we're just like, oh, this is not going to end well. Because it's too intense, like you feel too much and both parties have no idea

how to handle something like that. It also would be helpful to say, I don't know if you've done this before, but I've done this where I said, I'm taking dating off the table. I'm not even dating for six months. I was like, Q4, this was like last year, it was like Q1, I think. And I was like, I'm not even gonna date. And it's a huge relief to say like, I'm actually not dating, I'm taking off the table,

I'm just gonna focus on my business, my friends, my mental health, my physical health. Okay, I wanna do that. I'm taking dating off the table. Yeah, take it off the table. I used to call it a mandatoryum. I do it every few years. I just decided also, I think before I was okay

with entertaining guys that I'm not interested in or I think, before I was okay with entertaining guys that I'm not interested in, or guys that I know I'm not actually gonna date and just the texting, all that. Now I'm just like, I am, I think, at the point where I'm taking dating off the table, where, dude, I know this is not gonna go any more, why am I even wasting my time

or giving attention, I'm good. So I kinda backed off. So I think that would be good for you. Like I think like just like, what if you're not sweeping, you're not looking looking and then you can spend time cultivating your friendships or working on whatever else it is that you want to do besides work. What do you do besides work that fills you up? Well, I love puzzles. I do have a bad habit where I start to get into watching a lot of TV, which is really bad from the pandemic. I picked that up. So I

try not to do that. I like to play chess. You're such a, you're so in your head. You're such a like analytical like yeah right? Well, you were also an accountant. Yeah. People again makes up though. You don't have to be good at math to be an accountant. I don't think that but you're analytical. You're very linear. Yeah. I mean, even right now, I'm so in my head as I'm answering these questions, I'm like, am I acting too perfect right now? Like, should I calm down?

Should I calm down? No, you actually have already cried. Okay, I'm talking about being vulnerable. No, I think that you're being real. I'm like, I can't help it because I want now I want to like nurture you and I want to like shake it up for you. I want you to take the pressure off yourself.

Because I'm so tired of, you know, I'm also tired of constantly blaming myself when things don't work out So that because I have such a hard time Whatever being the victim or playing Quonko the victim. We're feeling sorry for myself even though that's okay That I constantly blame myself for things don't work out because I always said I rather be the villain than the victim So I always act like wolves because I didn't want this. Well, because versus admitting like, oh no, this person rejects me or this person that actually wanna date me or this person,

they like someone else over me and said it's kinda I make him my head like wolves because I said this. It's so black and I. Because I don't want it. It's because of me. And so I'm like, I'm done blaming myself for everything. I'm kinda over that.

So it's everyone else is small. Like you're shedding all your masks right now. I feel like you're shedding all the defense mechanisms that's part of adulting. We're gonna go back to your theme. It's like letting go of all the things that we hold up to make us be a certain way. So all of the structures that you put in place,

like it's their fault or you made the choice or you're in charge or you're in charge and now you're just saying like, no, maybe I was hurt, maybe I was sad, maybe I made a mistake. Exactly. And also learning how to be better letting go. I definitely hold on to things longer because I don't like change. When do you feel the most violent? Well, when I'm alone, or when I'm with my parents, of course, with my mom,

because I feel really relaxed, or when I don't have makeup on, and when I fall on accident, or mess things up, or just when I'm alone, I make jokes with myself. I've been looking a lot lately about trauma, could be all head trauma going on, right? Big T-small T, it could be like you didn't get picked for the soccer team in fourth grade or like your parents got divorced.

It could be a lot of things. When those things happen, we tend to like constrict and we tend to stop our get shallow breathing and we tend to shut down. And so I'm really into like learning ways to calm my nervous system, like we breathe before here. You know, we took a few minutes and we breathed in that. I thought that was really helpful.

Or go to like an infrared sauna or a steam shower. Do you want to do that here, heat elements? I put really hot water. That's good. Does that feel good? Does that calm you? If I really need to calm down, I do do breathing exercises with myself or I just lay down and close my eyes.

Or I have notice when I've talked to a therapist before about it is that let's say, okay, here's a good example when you feel anxious about something. For example, a long, long time ago, when I first got my driver license, I had so much anxiety to get behind the wheel and to get on the freeway, to drive in general, but mainly on the freeway. It gave me so much anxiety that I thought I could never drive again and I thought my anxiety came from driving, but mainly on the freeway. It gave me so much anxiety that I thought I could never drive again. And I thought my anxiety came from driving. But that's not where my anxiety came from.

Because if you dissect that and you look back, it's because I'm a control freak. And the reason I had so much anxiety driving was because when I got on the freeway, I have no control over every single car that's around me. But it was crazy because once I went backwards and I, so kind of like the trauma that you said, you figure out like oh

So I'm not anxious because I'm scared to drive. I'm anxious because I'm a control freak Once you kind of dissect and you realize where it's coming from then you're like Okay, I just figured out the problem if that's only reason and now I know that I don't have control over the road Then I'm okay to drive and then I was able to start driving When did you first feel like a control fake? Do you remember the first time that you thought that you lost control? If I were a therapist, or as a therapist said to me before, it obviously all starts as a child when you don't get the attention

or whatever is happening in the home and you start to feel as a child, I felt like I had to be there for myself. So I think that's where it came the control issues. But I don't hold anything that happened to me as a child, Quonco Child to Trauma, I do work through, but I don't hold it in the way to be like, well, the reason I tortured your car is my childhood trauma. Oh, yes. So the reason I mentioned the car thing is that usually when I'm anxious is I feel everyone will work stuff. So then I'll sit down and I kind of, if I write out

what I actually have to do, then and I just start with one thing because you're overwhelmed. I have so much work to do. Okay. So just open one email. So then if I just do one thing or if I'm overwhelmed now, no matter how much I don't want to talk in my feelings or things like that, I'll call my mother and I'll just converse and or some of the worst for me. And then if I just talk about things and you say things out loud So I mean, they're not exactly the less threat are you journal? I think you're having friends or have people you can trust that's what it's all about you can find this in a partner

Like you can find somebody that you can call when you're having a rough day and you can call when you're feeling emotional And I guess that's what I'm thinking about you with finding a future partner a A man is like, you haven't seen it yet because you haven't been attracted to those guys. They haven't come your way or you haven't been the new violet that you are today. But you will find somebody. I know this. And that's what will continue to be attractive to you is the people that you are going to be like 100% yourself. You'll turn to them. They'll be your best friend. But you won't have sex with them. Yeah, that's the goal. We're going to take a quick break. It's Dicor Roud. After we're's the goal. We're gonna take a quick break. It's DickerRound.

After we're first sponsors, I'm back with more Violet Benson. A few weeks ago, you tweeted, kind of wild how I'm not physically attracted to anyone these days. No one's doing it for me anymore. I'm not attracted to people physically. It's more about who there is a person for me to get to know them. What qualities are attractive to you now and a partner? I love somebody that's very driven,

that's very passionate about their job. I love someone that has a good heart and is a good person. I love someone that doesn't talk too much because I'm such a talker. So they're kind of quiet and mysterious. And I love someone that has a good sense of humor that's able to banter off of each other. And I like someone that, not like a strong presence, I would say, but someone that people respect. The guy on the YouTube, when he said to write them, I love he said, you have to start, which I'm really bad at, but he said, you have to start living your life, but imagining that the partner is already next to you.

So then when you're already playing that role, they already have that partner, then when they actually come into your life, then nothing changed because they're already been there. So they just replaced. So in your mind, let's say if you wake up, and let's say you take a walk every day, imagine you're having a walk with your partner. There's the person right next to you.

Like look at them sometimes, and with the smile, with the smile, with whatever it is, they're like, so it's like, or when you wake up, if you like to cuddle in the morning, imagine somebody holding you and making you feel safe in the morning.

So then when eventually when our partner comes in, it's like nothing changes, not like you went from being alone with someone else. It's, they've been there. And now it's just, they're finally, you know, it's coming to life. It's a full somatic experience meeting in your body, in body, so they say also like,

set up your environment for it too. So it's having one night stand, have two night stands, making sure that your room, if you want someone to come over, there's a space for them. You know, you're, there's half a closet space. People get into your physical space being set up for that day. Somebody I went on a day with was so ready to be married. That like the first day, we didn't have that connection. I wasn't interested in him yet, but he was so ready that without realizing he created a false intimacy with us by being overly touching all that. And I thought it was, it made me uncomfortable. And I thought it was he trying to get sexual or whatever, but it wasn't that he was just so ready to be in the mindset of having a wife that he on the first day was already

ready to just pretend like we're in on the seventh day to whatever. But then I found out from people that work for him that he is so ready that even in his closet he keeps half of his closet empty in order to prepare it for his future wife. So he but he wasn't someone you were into because it was too much. So what are the red flags? People should have never ignored one dating someone. I think one big red flag that I'm starting to notice is when I'm really into somebody really fast Or they're really into you really fast. So it's kind of like like me and that guy we both love bombing when we talked to our flags He was just like normally if I'm like insanely attracted somebody right off the bat I'm like, oh, it's a red flag and I looked at him and I was like oh He's like yeah, and I was like oh, I think I'm like that attracted to somebody right off the bat, I'm like, oh, it's a red flag. And I looked at him and I was like, oh, he's like, yeah. And I was like, oh, I think I'm like that too.

And we're like, oh, really? We've been too physically attracted. Someone is a, we're just being... I think if it escalates really quickly and then you spend every day together, just... It's hard when you get older. And this is a really sad truth to say. But a while back, one of my really good friends. He was never looking for a partner and then one day he found her and it just worked out

and then we've been friends for over 10 years. So like I literally know him so well. And then one day he met this girl and I guess thinks change and suddenly he proposed. And I said, wow, that's so crazy. You never believe in marriage. What change? And he goes, well, honestly, I'm not into marriage, but she is.

And I didn't want to lose her. And I figured eventually, I'll probably want to marry her anyway. Why not now? And I said, well, what's so different about her? And he goes, and this is messed up. So I'm going to be as transparent as possible. He said she's so young that she's not jaded.

So she's not like, I think sometimes it was hard to date older women because he's in his mid-30s. He said, it was hard to date older women, even in their 30s because they've been so jaded and hard-broken all this and it's like, that's so many walls up. And it was just like, before we even start to date, I already have to prove that I'm not this or not that. And then dating a girl in her early 20s, it was easy because there's so many things I get to teach her.

And she looks at me like I'm so smart. And she's not jaded because she didn't have a hard broken before. So just easy. And I was like, out. But also, that's easy. But to me, I just see that as being like someone who doesn't really want to do, I don't know.

I guess I've just done so much work that it's like, you're dating someone in their 20s, who hasn't really lived enough. Like they haven't walked as many years on the ground. But that's what works for him. I'm not going to judge him. I'm not judging him, but I'm just saying you're saying that made you that's it felt like it out.

And to me, it's like you were like this evolving woman who's now in her 30s who's learned so much. Like would you want to go back and date you at 22? Oh no. I'm just saying like I don't see that as an out. I see that it's like, okay, like he's kind of going to stay in that place. So what about for you, though? What's different between dating in your 30s and your 20s for you? I think the difference between dating in your 20s and your 30s, when you're in your 20s,

like, my first boyfriend, we slept together, it was like, oh, we're together. Like, that's it. We're going to be in you. He was like, what, I'm like, are you my boyfriend? Like, when I asked my Virginia, I remember this after high school, like, what, I'm like, are you my boyfriend? Like, when I asked my Virginia, I remember this. After high school, by the way, I was like, are you my boyfriend? He was like, well, no, we're just,

I'm like, wait, you were inside of me. You're my boyfriend. We're gonna be together for at least two years. And he was like, okay, we were. He was a Gemini. He's very chill. But the point is that I think when you're in your 20s, everything is easier and lighter.

And you're just always so, it's kind of like, he's that, but it's you're always so in love. And the minute you sleep together, your boyfriend girlfriend doesn't matter. Because time doesn't matter. You're like, I have three years to spend. I can spend two years in a relationship right now. What does it matter?

Literally. That's why a lot of older men love dating girls in their early 20s because time doesn't matter. It doesn't, like, you're changing every year. You're constantly a different person. And you're always believing like, that could be the one, whatever. I can date this person for three years, doesn't matter. But then when you're changing every year. You're constantly a different person and you're always believing like that could be the one Whatever I can date this person for three years doesn't matter, but then when you're in your 30s I think you kind of is like are you my person or you not and it's also I have a schedule

Already know how I like my life can you fit into the schedule and that's the hard part when you're in your 30s people in general like Do I want to change my schedule for this person? So here's my theory. They already get you more set in your ways. Yeah. Here's my theory about men. I know I'm correct. I've noticed this about men. The reason it's harder to date now, day and age, here's my theory about guys and how a girl ends up being their girlfriend. Guys are so not into being shiverous anymore and into all that stuff because of how easy everything comes and goes and you swipe,

oh, it didn't work out, that's cool. I'm just gonna get on an app and swipe right on the left. And I have noticed my girlfriend's, I've been in relationship, it's because they're around. That's my theory. Girls who are just around, so let's say a guy playing video games all day and you're just hanging around

and they keep noticing, oh, she's still there. You're in the same friend group. That means you're around. So let's say a guy playing video games all day and you're just hanging around and they keep noticing, oh, she's still there. You're in the same friend group. That means you're around. You work at the same company. So he sees your work every day. So you're around. It's convenient. I've noticed nowadays, it seems that when it comes to people being together, it comes out of convenience for men. Instead of putting in the effort, it's like, have a friend. She was sleeping with a guy every weekend. He would not call her for the whole week. And then on the weekend, he would just be like, hey, come over right now. And she will, like two seconds. Yeah. After two, two, three months, eventually, you got a new story and you're just like, okay, let's hang out during the week or you start calling during the week

and she would pick up. And now they're boyfriend and girlfriend. And then he just changed his job to move to New York and she moved with him. So where did it come from? Convenience. I swear, I don't know what it is, but there's something about convenience and comfort. Even guys now that try to talk to me, that's why I've given up. It's like, a guy texted me 11 a.m. Come over.

And I was just like, it's like 11 a.m. Like I've worked to do. I will be available in two hours after I said that and hear from him until like nine p.m. and then he was just like, oh, sorry, I was on my phone all day, blah, blah. And he's like, so did you end up going to the city? Like you said, you went and I was like, yep. Like even the guy I was seeing,

or you'd be like, what are you up to? And I'll be like, well, I'm doing this in this. And then two hours later, I'd be like, hey, sorry, I was busy. What are you doing later? And you're like, well, I already have plans, hey, sorry, I was busy. What are you doing later? And you said, well, I already have plans. Oh, okay, so you want to hang out right now. Maybe what we're all saying is,

we just want to struggle. We don't want to be jumping through all these hoops. We don't want it to be a hassle. We want to know if someone's into it, you're into it. But I don't think we roll over and you just drop everything because that's not attractive either. I mean, for some guys, what is it like?

It is attractive for someone to drop it. That's what the guys, it's a personality type. It seems like that's what, so what's the guys you're looking for? Are you free right now? Oh, in two hours now I have plans. So I liked the theory. I think you could decide what it is for you.

And I think when you really like someone, we all make ourselves more available and we make it more convenient. I have a question for you. You said that you don't, you try not to be a pick me girl. What does that mean for you? To be a pick me girl? When does that mean for you to be a pick me girl?

When I use a term pick me girl, it's more, and in myself to view myself, it's more me trying to be whoever the guy wants me to be instead of just being truthful with myself. So when I was younger with my daddy issues, I was in the relationship on my own for a seven, eight years with my ex and no matter how long we were together for, in the periods we were together for, every day my legs, my whole body is shaped, every single day. Because you said you wanted that and you thought that's what people wanted. Yes, I would just want to constantly be perfect for this person. It was like my need to be loved, even though obviously the person I picked, I was never

enough for them, hands, daddy issues, until you love yourself, blah, blah. So that's blah, blah, blah, love yourself. That's kind of the term, but I think now people throw that around, they call anything you do. Like you try to look good on camera, you make a, like I said the other day, I love men, and I was like, oh, such a pick me by. Cause I said something nice about men, like, come on.

You can say nice things about men, but talk to me about the daddy issues really quickly. Like, how does that manifest with your dating? I noticed actually that my daddy issues manifest in the way now where I tend to date about the daddy issues really quickly. Like, how does that manifest with your dating? I noticed actually that my daddy issues manifest in the way now where I tend to date guys with daddy issues. I like made a list to understand what was similar between all of them and I dated. And suddenly I looked and there was like daddy issues,

daddy issues, daddy, and I was like, holy hell. Wow, like they were like, not enough, their dad never supported them. Yeah, they couldn't do enough for their dad, yeah. I think maybe I started dating men that I felt like I could save. I would look for Kwon Kwon broken guys or guys with daddy issues. And there were parts of them that I thought were so beautiful. And there were the parts of the daddy issues or the feeling like they're not enough.

And that was a part of me that wanted to nurture and to take care of it. And finally at the time, I take a step back and be like, oh, I actually have this part in me, hands daddy issues, but I hate to kind of take a step back and be like, oh, I actually have this part in me, hands-duty issues, but I hate that part of it myself. So it's kind of interesting that I want to nurture and heal this part about this person, but I won't do the same with me. So it's kind of like maybe instead of focusing so much

on healing someone who didn't ask for my help, I try to heal that part in me. Because it's kind of funny at lifetimes when you look for specific things and partners, your favorite thing about partner, are things that exist inside of you, that you don't realize things and partners, your favorite thing about partner are things that exist inside of you. The you don't realize that are there, whether good or bad.

Yeah, it's like a mirror. Like sort of a mirror. Yeah, how can I love that the most about this person, but hated the most about me when it's the same trait? That's very insightful. How do we do that? No, it is fascinating. So I think it is true that people are all from a mirror,

often were attracted to things that we want in ourselves, that we covet, or that things that we don't love about ourselves. And ultimately, this means that we've learned to heal these parts of ourself, that we feel are so broken and shameful and hidden, like bringing them out there. And I feel like you're doing that slowly, you're putting it all out there, which I love this value. Now we decided that you're going to take a break from dating, right? A little bit. Yes. So what I want to know, like, what you're going to do now, because I think some tips for it is like, you love making lists or

intentions or kind of thinking ahead, like doing some things more for yourself. Maybe it's an extra night that you're doing something with friends or doing something for yourself or another therapy session. Like I feel like I do need to leave my house more often. The pandemic, especially as a person who's more anti social, it hasn't made me get very used to being home a lot. It's very hard for me to leave my house. And I would say that's a bad habit that I've created. So then a lot of times if I feel alone or lonely, it's like, yeah,

well, I silly myself all the time. So I think I'm okay with not focusing on dating, which I haven't been anyway. And instead of focusing on kind of leaving my house more often, doing something fun, because all the time, I'm like, what's the point? Like, you, my friend was like, do you want to go to dinner? And I was just like, why would I put on makeup? Get in the car, get in traffic, to get to a location where there's people there. And then you have to be around people, and then you have to sit down, you have to order,

and I can't even eat the way I want to eat, because then I have to take the leftovers, and then again, and then people again, then traffic to get home, then you get home, you remove your makeup, it's a lot. Why wouldn't I just order food in my house? It's so much easier, and he's like, yeah, it was the atmosphere being outside

and I'm like, I don't understand. Well, the pandemic made it a lot harder for us to leave our house. I feel like. Yeah, why would you make up the whole thing leaving? But maybe what, but you probably feel good once you go. Yeah, a lot of time. I mean, the other day,

why would my agent, it was for work, but still to comedy show? Cause I'm playing a a stand up this year. Nice. Yeah, thanks. Did you laugh? You know, it's weird. I don't laugh as much, but I think it's

because I constantly am thinking of jokes. I think it's different for people who will kind of do it. I think you'd be great at that. Yeah, I would love to. I can't wait, but that was kind of cool to be out of the house, to be in an environment. You know? It's moving more that.

You had a theory on queiffs. Okay, so obviously, I feel like now you have to have disclaimers in everything, disclaimers, there's nothing more with queuing, it's part of the human body, it's cool if you're into it, as a girl that has daddy issues and grew up with, meaning to be perfect,

I did growing up come up with a way to not quave. And it's basically, because I don't care for the sound. I mean, it ruins it for me. Like I literally dry up when I hear it. It's always us caring more than the guy cares. The guy doesn't care. He's so excited to just be invited

to the vagina party or the anal party. Like he doesn't care or the mouth party, the boobies party. He's just excited that he's there. But it's for the girls of We Get Bothered. And I get bothered and I feel weird. So the way I've learned is that when I'm switching size because the air it just gets in your hole. It's air. I take a finger, I put inside my VJJ and I push and when I push when there's a finger inside your VJJ, when you push it doesn't make a noise and the air comes out

by itself and I do it really quickly when I'm switching positions. Like, we're like, okay, let's switch and I just put it in. And then we switch and it's tight again. And there's no air in there and we're all good. And there's no key things. Finger it. All right. But no shaving creeping.

Yeah. If you push, if you put the air out, that's how you keep quee film make a noise. If you put your finger in there, that's how you don't. It's actually also if you have gas and you don't want to hear, you can actually put your finger up your butthole really quick and it won't make a noise. I can't promise it won't smell. So be careful. All right. It's a good work around, but also we don't, we shouldn't care. We don't, you shouldn't care. You could keep it apart.

But if you know who you are as a person and for you, it bothers you. It's a quick bothers you. Then you can try this at home. Okay, right, real quick. I'm gonna ask you the five questions, we asked all our guests are the cookie questions, ready? Okay. Biggest turn on. Passionate.

Biggest turn off. Talks a lot. What makes good sex? Them going down on me. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. That you shouldn't feel self-conscious about your vagina and your private parts and cui-fein, all that stuff is completely normal and that they're just excited to be there

and you should feel more confident about yourself when you're having sex and not focus too much on pleasing the guy. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That everyone gets vulnerable when they're naked and it's completely normal and that it's a natural thing and just to have fun. Thank you so much for being here, Violet. Thank you so much for having me. Buy me on my personal Instagram, Violet Benson, Daddy Issues, Miami Macau.

And also, almost adulting my Instagram and my podcast, which is on every Tuesday and every other Thursday. Make sure to tune in for my episode with Emily on my podcast next week. Great. Bye. Bye. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review where every listed to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemleaf.com