Sex With Emily - Date Like You Mean It with Rachael O'Brien

Episode Date: November 21, 2017

On today’s show, Emily is joined by comedian and host of the podcast, Be Here For a While, Rachael O’Brien to talk about why being single is pretty awesome, ways to communicate in bed, and how to meet people IRL. Emily and Rachael also give their insights as to why you should love your vagina and stop obsessing over how it looks, how to be and STAY present during sex, and how you should write your own dating rules instead of following everyone else’s. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: We Vibe, Hello Fresh, Adam & Eve, Intensity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Rachel O'Brien, comedian and host of the podcast, Be Here for a While. And we cover a lot, including honest advice for guys about their dating profile pictures. Why being single is pretty awesome. Why you should love your vagina and stop obsessing over how it looks already,

how to be present during sex, and the best ways to meet people IRL in real life. All this and more, thanks for listening. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ I'm gonna buy you a lot. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm born. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithm.com. You can have it awesome time on our website because we've got such great content there. If I do say so myself, I'm not writing all the content. We've got amazing bloggers and sex experts and just regular people like all of us writing about their dating relationship sex experiences, reviewing toys, I just you guys are loving that a lot. So if you do like one of the posts and you're happy with it, feel free to share with a

friend. We love that. You can also easily follow us on all social media, Instagram, Facebook, snap. That Twitter, we do it all, it's at sex with Emily and you know what's a good time, we even are doing a lot of Instagram lives during the show. So people can ask questions, we can interact, you can see all the fun things happening, we give away toys, all the other great reasons to follow

with people on social media, just to waste your life away. Exactly. It's fun. It's good for you, it is fun. It's good to scape is in my life. It is good, I like it. It's good for you to be in that stuff. In moderation.

Yeah. In moderation. So we've learned how to still interact with people. But you're right, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like,

I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be, I'm just going to be like, I'm just going to be like, I'm like, well, I'm gonna hit me in the head. And I know I should probably stop now. Yeah, right, so that's time, right? Yeah. When you lose your mobility. Well, that's my guest. Hi. Hi. Hi, Rachel Orion.

I'm excited that you're here. She's comedian. Yes, stand up comedian. Stand up comedian. And funny. Like a successful working comedian. Not just like I told some jokes, but she's like a successful comedian.

She's got a successful podcast. Since you're on the podcast world, check it out. It's called Be Here For A While. And it's in the top podcast comedy charts. So congratulations on that. It's not easy. There's a lot of podcasters, things happening in that world today. And she just stand up, and she's also on Bravo's hit TV show Vanderpump Rules, as a side

note. I'm like a good background character on that show. Yeah. That's like a choice for you, right? Yeah, it was a choice. Yeah. How did you, were they like, oh, okay, let's back up with your story. So you moved here from Oregon, a story of Oregon.

It's a small town. You would not know it unless you've seen the Gownies. That's the town. Okay. I did. I see it. I see it. I did.

I see it. Okay. There's a few movies that were filmed. It's all we have. Well, I went to college in Eugene at University of Oregon and then I moved here. And then yeah, and I started doing Vanderpupp rules a few years after. I lived here. But when you do a comedy, like you were like, I, that's my thing, comedy. I moved here originally just to be an actor. And then I hated waiting for people to tell me yes. Like I just didn't like not having my job and like my own hands. And so then I went to screenwriting school

at UCLA. I got a grad degree in that. And I learned quickly I liked to write comedies. And so then I wanted to get on stage and test out the jokes that I was writing and all that. And then that's when I got hooked on standup. You were hooked. Yeah.

And then yeah, I got under my skin and I wanted to do it for the rest of the time. So I think it sounded like it's like a drug, right? It really is. And my community friends were like, I was hooked. That was it. It's it for the rest of the day. Okay, I think it sounded like it's like a drug, right? It really is. And really it was. I was hooked. That was it. It's a weird thing.

You can't live without it or something. Right. You feel anxious not doing it. But there's some people that like get on stage, they do it. They're like, okay, that was cool. And then they're okay not doing it again or not doing it for a few months. But if you really get the feeling of like, I don't want to not do this, you're probably meant to be a stand up.

Right. So what is that feeling? Like what is that? How did you know? Was the first time you were up there, or are you like, oh, I just liked it. I don't know. I liked getting the laughs. I liked creating something.

Right, it's your own. From your brain, validation, people connecting with you. Yeah, I liked connecting with the audience. A lot of my stuff is self-deprecating, and I feel like I liked making people feel comfortable about their own stories by telling embarrassing stuff that's happened to me. Right. You really probably don't have a lot of secrets. So there's things that you think I can never say that, and then you say it, it's probably very freeing. Yeah. That's embarrassing.

You're like, oh no, but other people are going to feel this way. Yeah. Do you test your material with friends first or you just go up on stage and you're like, I think this is funny. My dude on stage usually, there's a lot of times that I don't even have a plan. Like I'll have like a few ideas and then I'll go to, like I won't do it like on a big show, like a big show that I'm performing with, like, like the last one I did that was big was like with Judd Appetown, David Spayton,

like cool people that I just wanted to and play. And I just really wanted to impress them. So I'm gonna do my A material, but if I'm on like a smaller show, I will just test random stuff out. I won't even have a plan. I'll just kind of like maybe have an idea.

And usually that's how you kind of come up with new bits. I want to just know your process real quick. Do you write down jokes? Do you talk at your phone? How do you do it? I write down ideas. And then I go on stage and I'll remember the way I said it. Usually I'll record it, but I oftentimes don't listen to it.

Right. I do that too. I've got a whole thing in recordings. Yeah, but it's painful to listen to yourself back, though. It's like, oh, got him embarrassing. Yeah. What's it like being a female comic in LA? It's good. I used to not be bitter about it.

I feel like I'm a little bitter recently, and I hope not to stay that way. But I felt really grateful because I think a lot of times, you know, they'll be a lineup, and they have to have a woman on it. So it's almost like an incentive to put a woman on the show, but at the same time, there's oftentimes where,

like, it's hard to get spots. It's hard as a woman. I don't know why. I feel like my favorite comics are, like, I love women for money. We're funny. We're out there. So you think that it's more like,

who you know? It is a lot of who you know. That doesn't go as far as you would think, because it can also be like, you think, like, okay, it's who you know, like, who you know? It is a lot of who you know. That doesn't go as far as you would think. Cause it can also be like, you think like, okay, it's who you know. Like, unless they truly are your friend and they're not trying to maybe hook up with you or something, it's who you know if they're truly your friend.

I guess that's helpful. Cause then, yeah. Cause a lot of comedy is someone bringing you on the road or booking you on a show. It's not really the comedy clubs that book you. That's right. Outside bookers and people that, yeah people that kind of bring you up. Can we talk about that for a minute?

Because with everything going on right now in the world with all these sexual harassment cases, I'm just wondering what you just said. And I've been talking about this a little bit on the show and there's going to be a lot more to impact over the next lifetime, a few months. But I feel like that way too. When I started working, it was always like with men, for example, I used to work in politics, actually. I don't think it matters where you work.

But that sounds like a top industry though. Right, oh, it's so tough. There is this. Do you want to sleep with me? Well, they probably do. It's a man. They want to sleep with you. But I know that.

I'll still have to take this lunch or do this thing and not going to sleep with them. It was kind of like that price. Totally. Totally get that. Is that how you felt? I do it with everything in the Norteam Ministry. I feel that way where it's like not even just with comedy, with just meetings with people. It's like, well, you want to believe

them that they're just like interested in you for. And half the time it's like, even if someone makes a pass at you, it's like, I'd say for a very hard time with trying to figure out if like, is it creepy or bad that they're doing or are they just taking a shot because they're like every other human. Exactly. Wanted to. Men and women.

Because I've seen a beautiful woman like men are going to want to sleep with you. It doesn't mean that that's nice as a compliment. Yeah. But we can still do business together and put that aside. Totally. My. I've always been good at having like friends in the industry that don't do that. That's good.

But sometimes it happens. I mean, but you don't want to hate on them for they just, you know, they took a shot. And they drank usually. They're like, guys, friends like your best friends. Yeah. But sometimes it happens. But you don't want to hate on them for they you know they took a shot. They drunk usually. They don't use it. Guy friends like your best friends. But you're drunk. You want to say. Yeah, you're so. All right, buddy. Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna kiss them. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't good. So I were friends. Um, are you dating now? What's what do you think? Um, I'm dating my way. I've been single for like a year. I've always had boyfriends up until this year. And so I've been single for a full year now. I'm so impressed. Because normally I've always in like long term relationships this year, and so I've been single for a full year now. I'm so impressed, because normally I've always in long-term relationships.

That's how things are. But I'm forcing myself to be single. I feel. And it's fun. I like it a lot. I'm meeting a lot of cool people. Are you kind of like hooking up with people? Are you're just not in a relationship?

I'm dating. I feel like I don't get past the point of two or three dates. It's like, okay, it's fun. But I feel like I don't really get to know anyone. First of all, how do you meet them? Are you using the apps? Yeah, well, I use, I'm not supposed to say the name of it, but my friend got kicked off of it by mentioning it was. Oh, okay, I've heard about that one.

Yeah, but you just so much like recommend you to be on it. Yeah, but you're not like, not supposed to talk about it. Okay, we talk about it after and you can recommend me maybe. Yeah, okay. So you go in there and you've met some celebrity app. Should we not talk about it. Okay, we talked about it after and you can recommend me maybe. Okay, so you go in there and you've met some celebrity app. Should we not talk about it? Okay. Well, no, it's a combination of, it's like, I guess their angle is they, it's supposed to be like creative types, but there's a mixture of like anywhere from photographers to celebrities to creative execs. I don't know, it's a combination of things. So you go on the app, so that's

how you mostly meet people. Yeah. And then meet people out because I don't know, it's a combination of things. So you go on the app, so that's how you mostly meet people. Yeah. And then meet people out because I don't do anything other than comedy, and I don't really want to date a comic, so. You don't. Why don't you want to get a date a comic? Because then if it doesn't work out, then I have to see them in my little workplace. Right.

That's better. We all hang out in the same club. We all hang out in the same club. Do you feel like you're tormented? I think I'm a tormented artist, but I'm not a comic. I feel like comics have this certain breed of more neuroses or more tell. Oh, yes. No, we have.

We're crazy. I'm more normal than most of it. Like totally normal. Yeah, but I mean, I have to be a little weird to be doing it. Yeah. So you don't want to hear their comics, so it's mostly a line.

And I think two comics could date. They could, right? I think it could be healthy, but then maybe you'd be in competition. I don't know. Right. That's so awkward if you were someone. I hate it. Yeah healthy because, but then maybe you'd be in competition, I don't know. Right, that's so awkward if you were someone, I hate it. Yeah.

Competitive with someone that would be tough, but hopefully you'd rise up like that. Are you single? I am single. Yeah, I mean, I'm always dating. Yeah. Yeah. Never been in. Where are you meeting people?

I want to learn how to meet people. I'm not on an app. I know. I'm meeting people like in real life. Where are you going? I know. It's not that I even go out. Life got into some conferences lately and I've met some people I go to

Just out with friends out to dinner But how does someone approach you like you're like a table of dinner? I don't know I just talk to people. I guess there's has a bit to be honest So just like you said you took a year off. I've taken about a year off from seriously a year and a half Maybe now and I always had a boyfriend I was always in like a serial monogamous and I thought, and this is the voice that I give everybody and I hadn't actually done it for this long as successfully and it's so true that when you break out with

someone it's the perfect time to really be alone with yourself and like, who am I without a partner in my life? Like what do I like? What do I want? It's fun just to kind of date casually to see like what you're into what you're not. Otherwise, if you're going from one to the next, we have no time dealing between. We tend to heal our past relationship and our current ones.

The last guy was like a narcissistic business guy who had no time for you, whatever. The next guy is going to be like all about you and we eat the pendulum swings. And then you're like, oh, this guy's more about me than you're like, oh, he's got all these other problems. So I feel like when you get the space, step back, you can really think about that. But I mean, people, friends fix me up. That seems like a good way.

That's a really good way. And I think- But then is it awkward if you don't end up liking them and then you have to like be around the friends and then you're embarrassed to feel like something. I did it go right. I feel like you get over it. I feel like it's great to go tell all your friends

you're single, like not like, hey, guess what, Kong, I'm like, I'm single, but when you're out with them, you might not think to tell them, but if you see this extra line, like, I'm not dating and if you know anyone, let me know, because in that moment, they might not be able to think about it

but that night the next day, they could be like, oh, I've got someone if you kind of works and you don't need a million dates. And I think it's kind of like the whole... I feel like I mentioned to my friends all the time and no one set me up. I don't know if million dates. Yeah, and I think it's kind of like the whole... I feel like I mentioned to my friends all the time and no one set me up. I don't know if they're just like, never reach us not for it.

I jealous. No, no, that's not true. Okay, also saying yes to stuff that you wouldn't normally do. That's like one of my best pieces of advice that always works because I'm very extroverted. I do like going out, but I just so love my alone time too. Like when people cancel, like my plans cancel tonight,

I got so excited. I was like, really excited to see my friend, but I'm like, why alone time too. Like when people cancel, like my plans cancel tonight, I got so excited. I was like, really excited to see my friend, but I'm like, why am I going to cancel tonight? Oh, it's the best. I have a dating update tonight. I'm sure he's nice. I just am not. No, no, it's a whole thing.

I know. Right? But I'll figure it out. I'll drink enough that I'm going to enjoy it. Do you think, okay, so what, I was going to finish my one thing is that you say yes to all those weird limitations that you wouldn't normally go to.

That was my tip. Like, okay, I'm going go to the Spartacure, even if I don't want to. Okay, back to this. How can you tell, can you tell right away, like walking in this restaurant tonight, how much do you know what, this guy ahead of time? Not much, really.

I did cold call him, which I think is like a little creepy for people, because it's normally like via text. And then I was like, I like, I forgot to respond to his texts, and then I could tell he was getting insecure about it. Like, and then I just forgot. So I called him and his voice sounded pleasant. So at least there's that.

I don't know. She can't tell if he's Sam, right? Do you think you know right away? Like when you walk in, are you gonna be like, I'm, no, I'm someone that someone can grow on me. Same. Yeah, someone more like that. Yeah, someone can grow on me because you never really know.

Well, because we're not as visual as men. Like, I think like that. Yeah, someone can grow on me because you never really know well because we're not as Visual as men like like I think a guy can be like I don't like the what's happening like looks wise And then they can like write someone off But someone could grow on me. Yeah, if they're not perfect looks wise. So true. Not about that Like if we connect you smart like being like a sapiosexual. Yeah, what does that mean? It means like if you're trapped as someone's mind. Okay, I've been wondering what that meant. It's a good word, right? Like, oh, is it some kind of weird kinky thing?

But it just means you're into someone's mind. I'm like a more attracted to. I've always been that way. I've never been like the guy with the, I'm like in fourth grade, my friends at pictures. They've seen these things of like all these posters and catalog pictures of guys they had crushes on. And they love, and they would like,

I love this guy with a fourth grade. I was like, I've never in my life been attracted someone just because of the Yeah, and I will set on a brain. I don't need the abs the abs. You're spending more time with the gym than me like that So I don't I don't need that at all kind of bugs me a little bit I know or maybe just because I've never had abs you like I just I don't need someone to like be perfect like I don't need all that It's pressure. Yeah, I think that's good. You can grow a lot of the abs. Can you say that in the abs? Like no abs, please.

Yeah. No smokers and no abs. Yeah, no smokers, no abs. I don't need a shirtless photo on any photo that you post online. Can we tell this as a public service announcement to men? Let's talk about, I don't want to see a shirtless photo. I only want to see a tank. Yeah.

Tank top. Tank. Like with your muscles, I still, guys do not know filters and it's sweet because they, I'm glad that they don't know as many shoulders, but they always have their ear buds on with that phone facing them, like in a weird, they take the selfie and or they're at the gym pumping. And it's so intense. When girls take selfies, it is intense, I can acknowledge it, but when guys do it, it's just kind of like, it makes me uncomfortable.

But I know. I'm like, swipe if I see your body, which is, but here's the other thing, I don't want it, I don't also want to discourage there's men because there probably are some women who would prefer to see what yeah, I think there's a way to trick it though where it's like it doesn't look so obvious you're not like in the photo like lifting up your shirt on your abs like somehow do something athletic maybe in a photo so that we can kind of see it, but it's not totally

spelled out. I like the side boob, but yeah. Right, the male, the equivalent of the male side boob, maybe the side ab. I'm encouraging manipulation a little bit, but I think it's good to see it, but not so obvious. You're like, we're pumping and you love yourself more than I could ever could. You said that with the texting that this guy started getting a little bit weird about the texting or you were taking too long. So let's talk about texting and all this

stuff because I just said I'm rush, right? Again, I'm not. I'm a good, you know, funny. It can be creepy, but sometimes I'm sure you're juggling people or you're totally. I'm just like, so what's your right? Ha ha. Right. Or yeah, what time? Like what's the plan? I'm trying to be, yeah, I'll meet you in person and we'll figure it out then. Right. But even after though, then that's you meet him and you like him. It's a whole thing thinking about, I don't know, do you play rules? Do you have rules around texting, not rules, but where you won't text back or double text? When I was first single, I was obsessed with reading all these dating blog things and I was like, I'm going to follow these and then

someone will love me. Then I sort of realized that just be yourself. I think eventually works out fine. You can only withstand that for so long, like the trying so hard. It's almost like people that go on like really extreme diets are like, I'm paleo and it's like, okay, cool, you're gonna do that for two months and then you're not gonna be able to withstand that because it's not fun. Right, right, exactly. So not fun. Just. So not fun.

Just be yourself. Yeah. So I was very intense about following rules and I kind of gave up on it. I think that's good. I don't know if it's just because I gave up, but yeah. Like my friend, I didn't even know about these. I know about them, but I would never think to follow them. My friend was like, took my phone one day.

It was a year ago, but she's like, look at all. Look how much he wrote and look how much he wrote without your words and all the texting. And I'm like, what is it? I understand, maybe it could be a little much, but I've got a lot to say. I talk a lot. I don't know. I don't know. You'll know if you're being too much of it.

Like someone will, I don't, just be in the right person. You'll be on it yourself. Unless you're being a total psycho, which I'm sure you're not. I'm saying, not any of us. I think you'll know if it's too much. You can read it if the person isn't into it. That's fine. Well, it would be like a deal breaker,

because anything a guy could do or has this happened where he texted you or you met him and you were like, nope, this will never work. I don't like laziness. Oh, I don't know why that bothers me so much. Lazy like they don't have a job or lazy they come over and watch Netflix every day. If I can just figure it out on the first date,

that they're just lackadaisical with their work ethic or something, I don't know that bothers me. No, I get it. You want to know it's driven. Yeah. It makes total sense. I don't need them to be loaded, but I would prefer someone driven on a path. Yeah. Yeah. No, like if they're still trying to figure it out or they're not. Yeah. I mean, it's okay to still figure it out, but they're motivated to figure it out. Yeah. In the sense.

Okay, so what about in this single period you have now, are you having sex? Are you going around? Are you? sex? Are you falling around? Are you? Yeah, I was more active. Again, with the first few months of being single, and now not quite as much. OK. I just got bored.

It just, I don't know. What do you do? Just the friends? I mean, I still go on dates, but it just doesn't progress past. Oh, yeah. What do you think that is? Is it you not wanting the third date or they don't want the third date? Both.

It depends on the, I've had many different scenarios. There's been many situations where the guy's been more into me than I've been into them. And there's been many situations where I'm more into the person or something weird happens. And yeah. Yeah, that always happens. Yeah.

Right. Do you have rules around that? Like, would you see with someone when you first met them? I don't think there should be a rule on that one. I think it can go both ways. Because I think girls think like, okay, you know, you should hold out, because then they'll eventually like you more.

But then there's also many cases where people have slept together on the first day and ended up together. I think it depends on what your intention is. I think if your intention is to hold out to get them to like you, if it's like almost a manipulative tactic, that's not going to work. But if you truly are just holding out because that's just who you are, I think they'll appreciate that. And that's fine.

But also if you feel like doing it the first day, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Typically, yeah, I agree that if you are really feeling it in your right mind, or maybe not too drunk, because that's sometimes made make bad choices around sex that, why not wait? To me, that attraction, the arousal, that newness of meeting someone is so exciting, like if it's getting a hot, you want to just wait a little bit

so you've actually been like you, and it's not just these. So you think people should wait? I think that if you can't wait, you can handle it, why not wait? Why not stretch this out? Because so many women will report that, and I think men too that that the teasing and the

Nunez and the arousal and initial traction Actually, it's the hottest part then like sure having sex right away because you can't help it is great But why not like see there's chemistry and like I'll see next week Why not wait like who's ever like oh, I wish I didn't wait and here's the other thing that's been frustrating me lately I've hear from women who are like if I sub with them We probably still be together or they're afraid not to sleep with guys because they think that that's like their duty or their job. I think a lot of women, but some women,

I don't think you're gonna lose someone by not sleeping with them. I guess you risk more maybe by sleeping with them too soon than you do. Cause I don't know, they're like, oh, well, I thought, maybe you think so, I don't know. This is just, this depends on the attention. Understand your body when you're writing all that stuff. I thought, maybe you think, I don't know, this is just, this depends on the intention. I understand your body when you're back. Yeah, all that stuff.

I want to shout out to my amazing sponsors and I have a great story about one. So what about, are you beating for a drink or for dinner? I kind of want to come. It's not a plan, I just want to watch. I feel free. Maybe you'll hit on the whole. What do you do, drinks or dinner. What do you do drinks or dinner?

What do you do? Normally you say drinks like on the first day, but like he chose hobby years as a place to go. That's a new Mexican place at Centric City Mall. And so that sounds like dinner. It doesn't seem like a drinks thing, but I don't know. I mean, it'd be hungry.

Yeah, I mean I love a free meal. I don't really love a free meal because you see me is gonna pay, which you probably shouldn't probably, I don't know, but I'm happy to pay myself. But I get it, that's good. I hope you love that. He's gonna listen to this podcast at some point

and be like, wow, she just wanted a free meal. I know I sound like a dick. No, but women, okay, not everyone wants a free meal, but go into it, I think it's a way of talking yourself. Yeah, so we're like, okay, I don't want to put F2 high expectations. Force comes to worst, I had a good meal. Yeah, I met someone new.

Are you also be looking like a long-term relationship where you want like kids and family and stuff I thought? I don't think about it that often, but I have really normal parents that have been married. And I'd like something like that. Okay. All right. I think you should have that.

We have emails from the listeners. I want you to help me answer that. All right. But first I'm going to ask you some quicky questions. Okay. Ready? What's your biggest turn on? Jesus. Oh, balls. Uh, confidence and drive.

Biggest turn off. Lassiness. See, we already covered a lot of it. Yeah. Craziest place you've gotten busy. Gotta think about this. There's got to be a good one somewhere. I don't come on, Rachel. Have a memory. How much vodka have you drank in your life that you can't remember this? I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't have to be so cool, but I don't know. I can't think of it. Maybe it's a bucket list. Yeah. Crazy. All right. So that's the goal. Okay. So what's the one thing that you wish you could tell your all future partners about your body's needs? Is there one thing you're

like, I wish they touched my elbow. Um, I like, I like manly men. I don't want anyone to be like two. I like, I like people being like gentle with me, but I don't need like, I like manly men. I don't want anyone to be like two. I like, I like people being like gentle with me, but I don't need like, I don't know. I like, I like, you want to pick you up and throw against the wall sometimes. Yeah, that'd be nice. That'd be nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. See? There. I hope he does listen. I hope he throws you against the wall. Okay.

Let's go into some emails. Okay. We're talking to Rachel O'Brien, BTW, and you've got to check out her podcast. It's all in iTunes. It is be here for a while. But how do you feel podcasting? You been doing it for how long? Year and a half, almost. I love it. Yeah, you're good. I like it.

It's funny. You're a good guest. You're getting a viewer. It's like rolls, it's funny. I think it's a good way to meet people as well. And I don't know. I already feel like I'm connected with you now after this, after this.

And I think it's a nice way to. Coming in your date stuff. We'll be coming in fresh together with neighbors. I know. I love it. It is good. Yeah. Well good for you. You're doing well. I mean it's us. Love it. Okay, so we're gonna talk about regina's now, but wait, the first question's about my side. Nice segue and the genus. No, I kind of liked the segue. It made me laugh. That's a good segue. Okay, if you have a question you want me answer on the show, that's amazing. It's really easy to ask me a question. Just text ask Emily one word to 7979. That's ask Emily to 7979 and you receive a short form where you easily enter your question, contact details, and then if you want me to call you, you just check the yes in the

form. We do some call shows. I call someone, I listen to them too. You do, it's fun, right? Yeah, if they like send me an email, they need some advice, and it's like a really long email. I'm like, I can't be bothered to respond to all of that. That's confusing, and I will just be like, send me your number, I'll call you, and I call them. That's so fun, that's gonna be true, all right? We'll do that too, yeah, I love it. So you can ask a question also in the section

of the Emily website via the Ask Emily tab, as always include your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay, now onto a genus. Hello, Emily, I always include your gender, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, now onto a genus. Hello, Emily, I'm a new listener and I'm finding your podcast, so inspirational, motivational, and empowering. I love it.

You talk about how every vagina is different and beautiful. I don't like what mine looks like and I've looked into procedures to change it. I've watched porn. I know. I watch porn and while I try not to compare myself and my vagina to what I'm seeing, it's hard not to. I've been seeing a new guy for six months now and things are pretty great Except I'm totally in my head when he goes down on me

I'm constantly thinking about what my vagina looks like and comparing it to other vaginas that I haven't even seen What can I do to get out of my own head to enjoy Earl Saxon feel comfortable with my vagina? Keep doing what you're doing Gabby 25 I walk Gabby Gabby's you're doing, Gabby, 25 IWAP Gabby. Gabby, you're fine. They were, like, guys, I'm so excited to see you in vagina. Exactly. And every thing, someone's gonna have a different preference on what they like, I'm sure, I mean,

I'm sure you have different preference on different penis, but like, yes. Guys are just so happy to be doing things that they're not gonna, who's really looking that far into it? I know, well, I'm so glad you're saying this because Gabby's 25 years old, maybe the initial way she learned about Texas through porn.

And so the problem is there's a lot of women and men, but let's talk about the women for a minute is that they're seeing these vaginas that are in porn and they think they all need to look that way. Now remember, there's certain camera angles. It's not that every vagine looks the same. They shave them, they put, they bleach, they do all these different things.

And there's, they probably edit they do all these different things. And there's probably- They probably edit them. The edit of a giant Instagram filter where you can make them smaller or wear them. They probably share this. Oh, sure. Like, is that even a real vagina? Okay.

But first of all, so what you got to do Gabby is, it's really start with you. I want you to learn to love it. Love, love, love you vagina. Because porn is just, it's okay. And I have no problem with you watching porn. I think it could be great till you get inspired, get turned on, masturbate, but do your research, really. I mean, I watch you just like,

really do your research on your, first of all, on your own body, and look around, there's some great sites too. I don't have mommy, but like, when you can actually look at all these different vaginas on the planet, there's every single woman is different, like snowflakes.

There's not any two vaginas that are the same. We, of course, not a true vagina, and it works, and it gives you pleasure. And additionally, it's not something you can change, really. So you might as well accept whatever it is. Exactly. It's like, I'd like to be taller, that'd be fun. Yeah.

But I can't really change that. It's not gonna happen, right? It will. But right. So your vagina is fine, and so she's gotta get out of her head. And I really want you to like get to know your vagina, Gabby. And what I mean by this might be uncomfortable at first, but some of the greatest tools for self-confidence in and out of the bedroom that I can give to women and that I share

with women is that you really have to learn your own body and what makes you feel good. And that is like self love, masturbation, and it doesn't come easy for a lot of women. Like not only masturbation like for busy, we're not into the mood, but even finding like your own orgasms and we expect like our partners to come in and just know everything about our bodies. But once you really masturbate, you become a master of your own body and you're like, I've got this amazing machine in my body and I love it. I'm not sure how your sex is or what you're doing, but it sounds like Gabby, she's not comfortable with them going down in her head.

So the more that you, it also look comfortable with it, you're gonna feel better and look in the mirror. I know this is your organ, like, and I'm not gonna do it. Take a mirror when you're masturbating, set the light, you should also really set the atmosphere for yourself. Candles, music, whatever you do when you're getting into your routine, your masturbation routine

or your self-love routine. And like, take a look at it and you can at first be like, oh, well, women are weird looking at, look at it. Be like, wow, it's really beautiful. Like, let me look at like the lips and the labia. And when I touch in these different places, that turns me on. Or you're clitoris, you can notice it.

It's like hidden underneath the hood for some women and just every body is different. So I think that you don't know this body. I feel like you're disconnected, like a lot of women are Gabby. And once you just really learn to like embrace it, you're gonna, you're gonna feel better about it. But also add one note. Yes. That I've heard a lot of women are Gabby, and once you just really learn to like embrace it, you're gonna feel better about it. But I would also add one note to it.

Yes. I've heard a lot of girls say that they feel like they have to, because I think it's because they are self-conscious, they have to perform more in bed, and I think that that takes you out of the moment, because you're just like, I hope I look cool right now, or I hope I'm doing the right thing.

And I think that it's probably more enjoyable if you're just enjoying it. Exactly. If you're just, that is such a good point if you're just enjoying it. Exactly. That is such a good point. That is a great point. In fact, enthusiasm. So when I ask this to men to these questions, like what do you love? The number one thing, like women, a lot of women say confidence.

It's like enthusiasm. So when you are in your body and you're feeling and he's going down in you or whatever you're having sex and you are so like in the moment, you're not in your head, but you're feeling your body, you're feeling connections, your partner, that has the biggest turn on, and it's a feedback loop, so you're going to get more turned on because he's going to be turned on because he knows that you're not like sitting there frozen, like, is he looking at my largely, yeah, or whatever it is, that you're in the moment. And it's hard sometimes we're all in our heads, but it is true that women sometimes mimic

what they see in porn, and they're like thinking, I need to mow in that way or move that way, and now you do you, there thinking, I need to mow them that way or move that way. And now you do you. There's no right way to do that. Do you need to stiff cocktail and just end up? I've had a good time. Exactly. Okay, hey Emily, I've been listening to your show for a few months, and I can't get enough.

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, and couldn't be happier. Our sex life is beyond awesome, and we're both very adventurous. There's just one thing. My partner has pretty severe ADHD. Sometimes he'll get impatient or impulsive and cut the foreplay short.

His heart is in the right place, and I know he truly wants to give me everything I need, but the tendency to get right to it is starting to bother me. I've communicated politely that I want more foreplay and he's trying, but he still has a tendency to lose focus and jump straight into course. Any mechanisms or advice to help him focus in the bedroom. Thank you, Jen, 21, New York. So I

first read this the other day, and we were prepping, I'm like, okay, 80, and I'm reading, going, no, no, honey, he's just a man. He's just a young man. He's not, I mean, maybe it's the 80, but most guys who are having sex for, you know, early on, they don't know they will, they don't know, they build it to the show yet. 21. Oh, he's young. They don't know that you require for a play that it's not a suggestion like you need to be warmed up. So they just jump right to your pants. Right? Isn't your biggest bummer when guys like they don't even, does that happen to you? Yeah. What happened to my boobs?

Yeah. Just take a pit stop and like grab a boob grab a boob for a second. Yeah, more than a second Yeah, but like I don't know that the perfunctory like oh kiss your neck kiss your pants come off So I believe that he is I'm guessing it's the age thing I think it's the age thing too, although gotta be honest This is for sure the age thing, but unfortunately some men never learned this lesson I want you guys listening right now. We're going. Oh, I don't do that. I know you're listening I want you to really think about it. Like, how much time did you really spend on board?

And I don't mean like, oh, I went down and heard for three minutes, because that literally doesn't count. You could have got out and got me glass of water, made me stack in three minutes. Like, that would be more effective than a three minute oral liking or something. So I feel that my number one sex tip always to men

is just to slow everything down. And so I believe that he just doesn't know. So I feel like you got to tell tip always to men is just to slow everything down. And so I believe that he just doesn't know. So I feel like you got to tell him, babe, I love having sex. I thought are they rushed or something? Cause that could be it too. I don't know. No, here's what happens.

I think that for a lot of men, young men, that they are so, this is my theory, that they're so excited to be having sex, that it's taken them along while they get there, a lot of women shut them down. And when they think the door's open, they're like I'm in the garage just closing and you're running out before you know they open their mind. Yeah, I gotta go in, I gotta go in, it's gonna close, it's gonna go in and I feel like

they don't know, like if I don't get it correctly. It's a little weirdy, yeah, I think it's kind of true. God, you should do Santa when you say it because that's a great joke. I have to stand up sex jokes. I do, I've always thought it'd be fun. It's actually really, it's probably true and very funny. Really, part of me, because what I do is like the way I tell you, yeah, anyway, we'll talk about Santa. I'll have people talk podcasting and

Santa, but I do think it's like, no, no, like I want to have, you know, I want to, like, I want to get this in and I just feel like they don't, it's education. Yeah, I don't think it's ADD. Yeah, I don't think so either. I think it's, yeah, I think you theory's right. Yeah, and you got to tell them to, again, that, um, here's the other thing when we take to. Kind of a break, I guess. I don't, I don't. Don't be harsh. Yeah, and you got to tell them to you again that um here's the other thing when we take to cut him a break I guess I don't I don't. Don't be harsh. Yeah. Because you could tell a guy one thing and women one time like that's soccer you didn't go down to me right and they like literally in their 40s are like this one woman when I was 22 said this thing so you really want to be kind and it's not like it's a horrible sex to be like baby like having sex with you you're great and

I just think it's really how we make out for a while. Yeah, we've sex. And you touch my nipple over my clothes. You're smart to phrase it like that. I've read that kind of thing before. If you phrase it in a way that, if you're not demanding something of someone or telling them they're doing something wrong,

that's what shuts people down. I think phrasing it would be like, hey, I really like when we make out for a long time. And maybe that trigger's like, oh, she'd like me to do that more instead of like, you never make out with me for a long time before we hook up. Exactly. Not that I've ever been able to successfully accomplish. No, it's hard.

It's hard, but it's like you're not. It's a compliment sandwich. So you're like, I love what you're doing. That feels so great when you make out for 10 minutes. And I thought maybe next time we have sex, we could make out and like, you could slowly take off my clothes. Yeah. Boom. He knows. And then every time he does it, you could make out and like you could slowly take off my clothes. Yeah. Boom, he knows. And then every time he does it, you're like, that was felt really great tonight when you

positively reinforced me. Positive reinforcement. Again, not that I've ever been able to do that. Normally, I think I'm more of a yellow, but. Right. Hence no third day. But tonight's gonna be so different. God, you're learning.

This would be great for you calling me after. I was out. Come another email. Hey Emily, I'm a new listener and I love your show. I'm having some boyfriend and post breakup issues and thought you could help. After breaking up a few months to go with my boyfriend of four years, we both slept with one person each.

Yes, we're that annoying post breakup couple that still tells each other everything. During the break, he started improving the things that made me unhappy, like working on his health, body, and motivation. We recently started hanging out again, things progressed, and we've decided to give it another go and make it official. Right after this, I think I made a huge mistake. My boyfriend went out of town, I went to drinks with work friends, and ended up drinking a lot, and hooking up with a bartender

who was friends with my work group. I feel really bad about what I did, and I'm grappling with whether or not I should tell my boyfriend I know he would end it with me. Thanks. Ellie 24 loss Vegas. So they broke up and got back to like 60. Yeah, they broke up, got back together. They started hanging out again. They decided to give it a go And he went out of town like the next day and she had to have dealt with the guy And she's asking if she should tell him. Yeah. I don't think you should He got one stuff. It depends on it depends on if it's going to hurt him more than like if you're a person that's going to do that often, probably tell

them. So they know that they're with someone that's a bad person. Or they're honest, right? But that one's tough. If it's a one time thing, and it's like there was a gray area, it's like, why would you just hurt someone's feelings? I've always thought that like, I mean, I prefer to be honest, but like, if it's something I don't need to know about, and it's not, you're not a serial killer and a terrible person and a cheater. Maybe if there's gray area, I don't need to know. Right. I think so too. I feel like this one off experience, not like you had an affair,

like a love affair with some guy going on going for a few months. It was a one off thing. You were drunk at a bar. You guys just got back together. And so I think it would hurt a more and you would never be able to get over that. And I know that people might,

I don't care, you disagree with me. And I'm saying this is a one off thing. And it's fine. As long as you, Ali, like, take a good look at yourself, are you ready to get back with this guy? Like maybe, you know, you actually, I know he's making all these improvements as you know, all our exes always look great

when we break up with them, but are you really ready? Do you think maybe it's just not? I don't know, you were drunk with some friends, it just happened, like nothing just happens. I mean, you must have known, you were out. And so I'm just saying, I don't think that you necessarily need to tell but I think that you should Smart point. Yeah, take a look at this and see do I really want to get back together with him You can move slow like you said that you guys said you're giving it go again

I want you to like casually kind of just see each other once a week and build up to it So this might be because I could be a yeah, it could be a telling point that maybe it was too soon. Exactly. Very smart, Amara. I didn't think of that. I didn't think of that. That's what I do here. It's advice. Okay, we got one more.

High Emily, my sister's best friend and myself are both mutually interested in each other and I want to take our relationship to the next level. She is a child and says she doesn't want a formal relationship. Further, she feels that doing anything with me would mean she's going behind my sister's back. How do I introduce her to the idea of just being friends who casually have sex? Do I just come out and say it? Do you think I should share my feelings with my sister?

Thank you Gilbert 28 San Francisco. Oh Gilbert, Gilbert Gilbert, Gilbert. You think by telling this woman that you just want to be casual FWBs that your sister's going to be cool. Either way. Oh Larry, skill-burnt. You're a nice kid, but that's not. I don't know how you approach that. No, like here's the thing.

She's a child who's on a relationship. Well here's the thing. She has a child and she doesn't want to fall more relationship and she feels doing anything. Why can't you tell your sister? I understand. If your sister's best friend, if it's your sister and her best friend, I'm assuming you get along that she'd be like,

cool. Do we feel like, do we feel like she needs a side piece? Or is, I don't know what he's sensing that it can be like a friend's with benefits. Because she, right. Because she said she's not looking for a formal relationship. And so he, can't you just start dating her and just say like, like, I need more info. Are you, are you in love with her and you're trying to date her and you're just casually sending this email trying to say? Hey, like I could start with just being, you know, friends with benefits thing

Well, she thinks I think I don't know. I don't know either we need more information because he's saying that She doesn't want a relationship and she thinks it's going behind the sister's back and he's like well Let's just be friends up with benefits. Should I tell my sister? I think, yes, tell the sister. She could additionally just be making excuses because she's not interested. That's going on. We do. She might not be into you either. We don't know. We don't know. We need more info. Yeah. Gilbert, I would say don't trip, I, I, I take you out of your sister. Like, honesty is always the best policy. You think your sister probably already doesn't know. She probably already does. And why would your sister care already doesn't know she probably already does.

And why would your sister care? Right. Doesn't she want her brother and her friend to be happy? Yeah, her best friend. Yeah. Yeah, I'd be psyched maybe. Yeah. Trying to think.

Yeah, why not? Here's my issue. Have you had this in the dating world here, Rachel, that, okay, I'm cool with casual sex. I've done a lot of different variations of relationships, committed, open, FWB. But there's something to like-

That's like the BbMe. Friends of benefits. There's something to leading up with it like, hey, when you see them, let's just set the parameters for what we're going to be before we even know each other. Yes, I think that's discouraging. It is discouraging. It's like, there could be something more or less, we don't know yet, but why would you just say friends of benefits when you're not even really friends yet? And why

would you even try to like truncate the whole thing, like let it unfold? Yeah, you don't know yet. Unless we don't know how close they are, it doesn't sound like I know. I've done it an awkward, like word vomit thing twice, I think now. Since I've been single, where someone wants to hook up with me too early on, and I'll just be like, I find, I guess that's what I never see each other again, but sure. Like it's just like a weird thing. Like, and you say that to them and then what they do and it's weird. I think it is strange for them and because you're not into them or because you're

just kind of because I'm thinking like, I hope up with someone too soon. The prime never going to talk to me again. So then I just weirdly blur something out like that. So it's kind of like sabotaging and aware, saying like, yeah, so I guess I might be guilty of that. Although it usually did extend for a long time. There are people I hung out with for a while after that, but don't set yourself up for the same mistakes

I have, guilt, or... We've all done it. I've been at two. I've been like, what is this gonna mean? Are you seeing other people like, does this mean that we just met? Because be a bad thing. And then I just realized. I've been to it. I've been like, what is this going to mean? Are you seeing other people? Like, does this mean that we just met? Because it'd be a bad thing. And then I just realized that I just tried to.

I don't think that anybody knows. So I feel like nobody knows how we're going to feel about someone. We just meet them. So we start saying, I feel like I can't do this or that with you. Or I think we intellectualize someone and we think, OK, well, it can't work because you live in Venice. And I go over here, I can't work because you live in Venice. And I live over here. I can't work because of this or you can all decide.

Well, then just let it flow. Yeah, don't try to set all these parameters in need for you. Actually, before you even do recently, who we had a very good connection on the first date. Second date, like really good connection. And we didn't hook up or anything, but like, we kissed very good. Second date, like halfway through the date,

he all of a sudden blurted out, like, I really need to take things slow. And I was so offended. I was like, did I tell you I wanted to take them fast? Right. It's weird, I think, to put parameters on something before it's anything. Yeah, you're like, you mean we should not desert?

Yeah, like, we're talking about. Yeah, I didn't, did I? Tell you I wanted to, what medication did I give you that made you think that? Yeah, like we're talking about. Yeah, I didn't. Did I tell you? I wanted to what the indication did I give you that made you think that it's just weird. It is weird. And I think though that some people say this meant and women would say this because maybe they've gotten hurt in the past and some of them

should really start setting boundaries. So what I also want to say is that actions speak louder than words. So sometimes people could say, I'm not looking for relationship or let's take it slow because they're trying to protect themselves, maybe in the past they've jumped in too quickly, and that when you're actually with someone, the other things can have, once you guys get together and the chemistry and your connection, you know we have knowing, maybe you thought you never wanted a relationship

and do know this is your, this is the one. So I think that we all are just in our heads a lot trying to figure people out when we don't have an actually experienced in me. So that's what I think. That's what we all think. Right Rachel, that's what we got time That's what we all think, right Rachel? That's what we got time for. This was fun.

This was very fun. I know. Any questions for me? Any sex questions come up over here like that you've got are dating, because I'm a dating question. I mean, the one that last one was weird, but I didn't handle it well.

The whole one he said it thing. I was very offended. I was seeing him again. It did not see him again. Because I didn't handle it well. The whole one he said it thing. I was very offended. I was seeing him again. I did not see him again. Because I didn't handle it well, but I don't know how I was supposed to handle it. I didn't get like mad.

I was just very like confused and like I don't. Oh, because he said let's slow this down. Yeah, but here's the thing. Maybe we want nothing was happening. Like I would slow it down. We're just literally sitting next to each other at a bar and he like was holding my hand and said it. I was just, yeah, it was like someone told him

that you need to set boundaries. It was. But here's the other thing I would say that maybe you think you handled it wrong. I think we're afraid of being hurt. I was having a ban on issues. You know, we want things to be certain. And if they're not, we just hold our hearts.

We really don't want to be vulnerable. Yeah. So in that moment, you were like, whoa, and I'm sure many of you have done the same thing. Like, what are you talking about, buddy? Like, fine, take it slow. You think you get to decide this. But I think that what we often also do

is we jump to conclusions and we assume things. So right now, it's like maybe he wouldn't even have realized that he was saying it out of this other place. Like maybe his buddy said to him, or his therapist, I just hear that I know this, it's a boundaries. And it wasn't even realize that he was saying it out of this other place. Like maybe his buddy said to him or his therapist, I just hear that I know this. It's a boundaries and it wasn't even about that. But we have these reactions. So I never think it's too soon in a relationship to like, you can't really do anything about that.

Because I think we think you can't or there's a certain time. But in the moment, something's weird. You can be like, I'm confused by that because we're sitting here. It might be for an interesting conversation right? It's letting it go. So maybe next time you're just like, weird question. I'm not going to ignore it. Yeah.

Or I'm having joy. I'm having joy. I didn't ignore it. I didn't ignore it. Oh, right. What you said you said. I just, I got really awkward about it. I was like a little drunk, so I'm not, I can't quite remember exactly what I said, but I

remember it being very awkward. Right. Like, I just remember it being like, I was so taken aback, I didn't know. I was like, you'd be lucky if this day happened. Yeah, probably. Probably something annoying like that. I'm the treasured like that too. And then you find that once you don't even know

what the hell they're saying. We're all trying to protect our hearts. Yeah. Gating is uneasy. It's a lot of fun. I know, but you're smart, beautiful. Thank you. So were you.

Funny. Thank you. It's all gonna work out tonight, maybe, even. I wonder what you'll do tonight. That you. So were you. Funny. Thank you. It's all gonna work out. Tonight, maybe, even. I wonder what you'll do tonight. That will be different from this. Maybe there'll be something you heard today. But we're gonna get you some sex toys.

You have never used one. Nope. Do you masturbate? Not really. Okay. Okay. So this will be interesting for you. I think you're gonna have a good time.

Because I think women, the more orgasms we have, the better we feel. It's true. Our mind, our mood. Like you're like, oh good time. Because I think women, the more orgasms we have, the better we feel, which is true. Our mind, our mood, like you're like, oh, creatively. Yeah, we're gonna get you some orgasms in a box, where you go. Okay, Rachel O'Brien, comedy.com, was R-A-C-H-A-E-L.

And my Twitter Instagram is Rachel and O'Brien. Okay, Rachel and O'Brien. My middle initials in there. It reads like Rachel and O'Brien. Okay, got it, Rachel and O'Brien. And her podcast be here for a while. Check out her podcast. It's a good time.

Appreciate it. And I love you on mine. I would love to come on your podcast. I love that. I'd do that. I'll talk. It'll be fun. We'll talk, whatever.

I already see this happening. Okay, everyone, check it out. And all your information will be on the podcast, on the show notes. So, yeah. Thank you very much. That's an amazing team. Thank you for being here.

Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.