Sex With Emily - Dating Apps Are Making You Hate Dating

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

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You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today, Jordana, Abraham, and Jared Freed of the You Up podcast join me to discuss all things dating and relationships. And if you're feeling exhausted by the apps, burned out on endless texting, or wondering why none of your dates feel exciting anymore, this conversation is going to shift how you think about modern dating. We're exploring why, sure, I'll go, is ruining your dating life.

How the apps have given us more matches, but also more failures, and why being less picky when swiping actually makes you more miserable. We're talking about the difference between dating apathy and genuine excitement, why most conversations on apps are just boring and kind of fine, and why that's not enough to get you to leave the house, and how to trust your gut and when something feels off, even if you can't quite name what it is. We're also answering your questions, from navigating a toxic long-distance relationship where your friends are telling you to run, to understanding why your boyfriend keeps sexting, are you still into me? And what that insecurity is really about. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.

Welcome, Jordana and Jared. So good to see both of you. Really, I love your podcast to you up. You guys talk all about modern dating and you're both hilarious. Question for you guys. I thought it would be fun to kick off the episode with your top dating, horror stories because it's Halloween. If you had to think, like, that was the worst date ever, what comes up for you? I kind of tend to believe that if you have horror stories, like, you have to remember you're a central character in the story. But I, one time I went on a date with a girl and then, like, a year later, I was just

at a bar and I was by myself just hanging out. And all of a sudden, I, like, look up and this woman is over me. And she's like, do you remember me? You know, you're looking up and you just want to be like, yeah. Like, and I said, I go, yeah, I remember you. And she's like, no, you don't. And it's like, we went on one day. And I go, your hair was longer then.

And she's like, no, it was shorter. And it's like, oh, you just wanted to like get me. This was like a gotcha. Like, it felt like it was a police sting operation to show me that I'm a piece of shit. I thought you were going to tell the story of when you fell out of your chair. Oh, that was, I was on a date yet. Thank you for reminding me of a horrific moment in my life. Sorry.

Like, I have many more horror stories for you. We were on one of those outdoor patios that they built during the pandemic to, like, have outdoor seating. And it was a little bit risen off of, like, the street. And I remember I was like, Mr. Cool guy leaning back. And then the back two legs of the chair went off the ledge. And then I flipped back. But it was like, it wasn't like I just fell right away. It was like a whoa, whoa, whoa.

And I thought I was going to catch myself. And then like 10 minutes later, as I was. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I fall back into the sandwich sign that, like, had the specials. It cracks in half. And then I fall into the heat lamp. A huge heat lamp falls over me. It was as if, like, the whole restaurant imploded around me.

And I, the other person was laughing so hard. And I was like, I don't think there's a more unfuckable look than, whoa, whoa, whoa, my seat's falling. Maybe I'll catch it. I don't catch it. I'm not athletic enough to catch it. I've now broken a sign. Nothing more vulnerable than that and like an orgasm face.

Well, I'm basically doing my orgasm face while falling. It's like she's seen it all at that point. Yeah. They're very similar. Our orgasm faces are similar to like faces we make when we're in pain, which is kind of funny. Do you ever notice that when you're like, oh, you're like, that could also be my orgasm face? Listen, I have a question for you guys because you guys hear all the stuff.

about dating. You give advice. You hear from your listeners on your podcast. We don't want anyone to have dating horror stories. I mean, they're fun, right, when somebody asked you at a party or on a podcast. But what are some things that we could find out or that we should find out before meeting up with someone? I think a lot of horrific dating stories start with, sure, I'll go. I think when you're not excited about the date and what happens is the dating apps have given us more, like more matches, more opportunity, which also means more failure. So, like, we're really not being nice to ourselves. Like, you get to, like, a 10th match on the app and the conversation doesn't go that great, but you're like, I never go on dates from

this app. It's like, well, you know, one date a month that you're excited about, 17 dates a month that you're like, sure I'll go. Yeah, you're going to have more horrific dating experiences. I think the more excited you are, you have to trust your instinct, trust your gut. And I think not enough of us do that. I agree. I don't think it's about like a specific question. question. I think it's about a vibe. And I think that that's above. And that's why you know within five minutes, I think of going on a date with someone if you're interested in, in like seeing them. I think that's pretty much how long it takes. But on when you're speaking, like I think that there's a sense, kind of like Jared was saying of like, I don't know if it's there, but like I'll go.

They had that one picture where they looked kind of attractive or they're not saying anything bad. But I think the idea is to go for like what makes you feel like excited. What makes you feel like the person kind of gets you. You can't bully get that from speaking on an app, but I think just making that the bar for going on a date, you kind of can avoid a lot of wasted time. What gets highlighted, as you said, is like the horrific dates.

We always talk about that. Those are the entertaining stories. But most app conversations are just boring and kind of fine. And it's like, that's not enough to get you to leave the house. That shouldn't be enough. The only place for the conversation to go on a dating app is to a date. You know, for you to go through that door, like, why don't you be excited? And some people are like, well, I'm never excited. Well, you're spending a lot of time on people that aren't exciting. And it's okay to just be like, yeah, this was nice, nice to meet you. You're going to go on my way or just say nothing at all. Does. Do you think there's a certain amount of like dating app with you now? Like there's somewhere in the middle, right, between like I don't want to go. So I'm going to stay home or like, sure, I'll just go. So do you think that for some people, the apps just aren't right? They should just go out and meet people in person if the dates are just kind of killing them. What do you guys think? It's kind of like anything else, the attitude that you bring to something.

really will determine the outcome. So if you're going in like this doesn't work, I never meet anyone well, but I'm going to go because like I feel like I should go because I want to meet someone in theory, but you're kind of going into it with a negative feeling. I think that's how the date is going to go. So I think going on dates that you're excited about, if you're not excited to go on dates, don't go. Take a, let's say it could be with anyone, or if you're not going into conversations, feeling positive and feeling like you're excited to meet people, that's the energy you're going to give off. So I would say, take a break if you don't feel like you can bring that attitude to the apps, because there's no point. It's a kind of a waste of your time and there is if you're going to

go in with a, I guess I'll go. If you're not bringing the energy, you're not feeling it, then it's okay to take time off from dating too. I think that's a really regenerative time to be like, I'm not really into it now. I'm going to take time to build, to work on other areas of my life. I think it helps to make the dating apps more exciting. Now we just spend the day on them. Like now we just like it's part of our like wheel of like Facebook, Instagram email. Oh, go on the app. See if anyone answered. Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, back to the other ones. You know, like what I've done and that's been really helpful is like you delete it and then you only download it for an hour at like six o'clock. And you say, I'm going to go out.

on a date tonight. I'm not doing this for tomorrow or the weekend. So six o'clock. I'm going back on here and you create a story. I'm out with friends tonight. I'm doing drinks right now. Creating these like arenas for ourselves kind of gets us out of this like thunk of like this never ending. How is your weekend? What's going on? Match on a Sunday. Go out on a Thursday. It's all monotonous and not, you know, sexy. Create rules for yourself where you're like, okay, six to seven is app time. And if I go on a date, it's tonight. I really do believe you know in 20 minutes of conversation over the app, whether this is going to be fun or not. So within 20 minutes, if you can say to someone, well, I'm out with friends in this part of town, want to meet for a quick drink at nine?

Now we've had like an adventure. Now we've kind of gotten out of it, what we're looking from it. And I think the apps are a part of the pie and it's not the whole thing. So this all or nothing thing is stupid. Why not make it this fun one hour, distraction on Wednesdays that set you up for a date Thursday even like you know that night might be too quick for you here's your story I'm out with friends we're doing dinner I'll be in this area let's grab a quick drink afterwards it's funny how the idea of like the scheduled date of like you know kind of reminds me of like how men might think of scheduled sex to a woman right you're like oh I'm just going to like this or almost rather the spontaneous state is almost I think what would

Ben would equate to the scheduled sex. Like, it seems to, like, defy the rules of, like, how it should be. I like it's kind of like, both are about, like, prioritizing something, right? That's it. It's all about what you got to schedule sex to make it happen because it doesn't happen. But then I like what you're saying about dating too. It's like if you put your own boundaries and your own parameters around it. Because, yeah, everyone's always like, it's a full-time job, being on the apps.

I got to swipe and then I talked to someone for three weeks. And I'm always like, do not talk to them for three weeks. Decide that you're going to meet them in 48 hours. And I, like, Jared's like, no. tonight or tomorrow night. But I love the idea of saying, if it doesn't deliver, you shouldn't be talking to someone for three weeks because you never get that time back either. So go back to the dating app tips then. What are some things that you wish that men and women knew about the dating apps when trying to attract the opposite gender, or really, I guess,

any gender. And Jared, too, I want to circle back to what are the things in 20 minutes that you're asking? Like, I just want everyone to have more efficient dating so we can figure it out. What are your initial tips here? I think the tips are, if you're going to talk about something, make it specific. I think no one wants to hear how's your weekend because you don't know them. So it's like I barely care about the weekends of the people that I do know. Focusing on something specific that they say in their profile, especially if you're a guy that's non-sexual. Jared and I talk about this a lot. It's like improv if you're doing it right on the apps, just like if you were flirting in real life, you would be sort of like working off of something

that they give you. So if they, you know, their prompt says something about liking a certain show, you ask them something specific about that. I think where people go wrong is they're very broad, and that's just not a way to show someone that you're actually paying attention. It seems like mindless, like you're just scrolling on anyone. Also, to add to that, if your profile is all you statements, you better be a gentleman. You better like movies. You better like this. You statements get you nowhere.

It's not vulnerable. I state. I like the movie Wet Hot American Summer. Barbie. I like Barbie. I went to Barbie and Offenheimer in a one day showing. That's specific. And the more specific you are is more of like, it's more of a test.

If a guy's like, hey, how is your weekend when you have this like really specific prompt written, they've ignored the thing you wrote to talk about your looks. So that's not a good sign. Yeah. You know, hey, you look beautiful is different than, hey, I saw Barbie and Oppenheimer two in the same day. What did you think? Which one did you go to first? The difference between those two responses to your profile are stark. Do you offer that opportunity or do you write, I like to travel?

My question of that would be like, where's the last place you travel? That's interested, but that's as interested as I can be. You know, you haven't really given me a chance. You've taken no chance. If you said I went to Turks and Kekos and it was too expensive and I wish I had known a better island that was more cost effective, okay, now we're talking. To add on to that, you ask about a good conversation in 20 minutes? Here's my good conversations.

I would say, yes, thank you. Okay, you go out for Chinese food. I want your soup, your appetizer, and your main. Go. We'll get to family and traumas on the date. Speaking of writing what you're putting on your apps, I get so many questions people say, and I get it from men and women, and they say, I just want casual sex right now.

I'm figuring out myself. I just don't want anything serious. I really don't. But how do I find someone who is, like-minded, do I write that on my app? Do I say I'm not looking for anything serious? Like, what is your take on that? And I'm one of you also think if someone says, I'm not looking for anything serious right now, do you think it really means like with you? Like, I guess that's more about if you're in a relationship or if you're dating because they're like, oh, if someone comes

along, maybe I will be. But let's go back to the casual sex part. Do you think we should be talking about like, I don't want anything serious right now? I think there are ways to say that without saying it. Here's the thing. What we try to do on our show is make people like a smarter consumer of the apps and a smarter consumer of the people that they're speaking to. And a lot of that is reading in between the lines. If you're looking for casual sex, I would do the things we just said not to do. I would comment on someone's looks. I would that to me, like if I got a, if I got on my profile, if someone was, you know, commenting on my body or the way I looked in a picture, I would assume that that person was looking for casual sex. If they were not, if they were making

the conversation completely non-sexual, I would assume at least they were trying to give me the impression that they're looking for something serious. I agree with Jordana. I think like those are good signs to know that someone's looking for sex. Here's the problem. And the problem is how men and women define casual sex. And the reason we define it differently is because there is way more to fear. If you're a young woman or out there trying to have sex, you need to know that this person isn't going to murder you. And you're on a dating app. And now you're popular. is wider. It's a good start. Right. No man has a fear of being murdered by the woman who wants to fuck him. It's just not a fear. It's the 20th thing on our mind, not the first. The guy

looking for casual sex is looking for a different thing than the woman looking for casual sex based on the emails that we've gotten. The guy looking for casual sex will fuck you in an alley behind a dumpster. Doesn't care. Doesn't mind. Cool. The woman looking for casual sex generally is going, I just want to make sure we're on the same page and that we're like going to be a good combination and that he's a nice guy and that he'll go for dinner first, of course. And you're like, that is not casual sex to men. So I think what people have to admit to is being more specific about what they're looking for. You're looking for someone that you're comfortable having a night with and feeling trustworthy with and feeling safe with to have

sex where there's no ask of more of your time. So I think when you're going on a dating app, looking for casual sex, you have to admit that your definition of that is different than the men you're going to encounter because a lot of women are going to be left unfulfilled by the type of men that are going to respond to that. Hey, you look hot. Oh, you look hot too. Meet you at the dumpster. They're going to go, no, I want the dinner. And then we'll do the dumpster once I get to know you a little bit. Because that happens. Right. And so I think like, you know, we We all want a tough talk. We all want to say, yeah, we can do that too.

We all want to say, yes, queen, I'm going to get mine. But it's like, let's admit to the fears we have. You know, let's admit that, like, you're not looking for casual sex in the way man might be explaining it. You're looking for, hey, I'd like a little connection. I'd like to be respected and feel like I'm going out to drinks with someone. And I'm speaking specifically to a dating app scenario because I think that's something you can get to later. I think for a lot of people, you need to, like, make sure you hit it off on the app, hit it off in person, and then maybe you can get to that step. But I don't think it happens

right away over the app. I just don't think you're going to be best served. And here's the thing, though, like, I think people need to be more okay with a date that doesn't end in happily ever after. Like, I think it's okay to, like, have that conversation on the date in like a fun way for both people. And then if you realize that that person is looking for something different, than you. It doesn't have to be this devastating thing. You're asking the right questions. You could leave with an interesting conversation and this person's looking for something more casual. I'm not, we're not a match. That's why the one day before thing is like such a great thing because it's like, hey, I'm only going on Wednesdays at 6 o'clock to 7. Oh, caught a fish.

We're going to go out Thursday. We're going to get a quick drink after I meet out with my friends. I want casual. They're looking for more. It's funny. I think the dating apps will be much more satisfying doing them the way you're doing them, like one hour a week. It's like, anything else, right? It's not meant to be binged. Like, if you have McDonald's every day all three meals for a week, you're going to feel disgusting. Kind of like the same with the dating apps. If you're on it too much, it's not how it's meant to be consumed. It's how it's meant to be consumed is like sort of additive and in moderation, I think, to make people feel really good about them. This is a great philosophy, guys. I think you're going to have so you'll be like,

oh, I get to control it. I'm bitty for myself. Like, how do I actually want to date? And I think most people, they've got jobs, they've got lives. But if they just say, it's like your workout, I'm going to give it an hour or night even for swiping or three hours a week. I'm going to swipe and that's it. Jared, you say that you're picky. You're like, yeah, I didn't like her name. And I get it with her.

I dumped her. I didn't want to go out with her. I don't like her name. And I don't like this. I don't like that. I think pickiness is another protective mechanism to keep ourselves from actually connected people. In general, like, do you think we're too picky?

Do you think what we are missing some great opportunities because we're making people jump through hoops that they don't need to? That maybe what we actually want isn't what we think. I don't think if picky is a negative thing. I think picky means you're happy with your life. I think it means you're enjoying your life and you get pickier with age because you settle into the life that you want. You know, I'm 38 now. I live pretty well. Like, I'm not looking to go down from here. Yes, it closes you off to people, but that's your gut instinct. I don't think of pickiness is good or bad, right? It's really just describing your personal tolerance for being alone and what you

prefer. If you're someone who really likes to be with someone who really likes to be in a relationship, then the picker you are, the more you're sort of like stopping yourself from really being able to enjoy a relationship. If you're someone who's a little bit more like take it or leave it on a relationship, again, I don't think the one is better than the other. I think it's about personal preference and what you personally want. Then, yeah, be as picky as you want because the alternative is that you're going to be single. And if that's something you're really enjoying, then who cares? But I do think, like, if you're looking to be in a relationship, there's compromises with everyone.

And just like anyone that you meet is going to have to, like no one is perfect. So everyone's going to have to compromise with you. You're going to have to compromise people. But it's totally okay to not want to compromise with anyone if you enjoy being single. Yeah. To be in a relationship, you have to like let go of a certain level of pickiness to an extent, right? Otherwise, no one would ever settle down with anyone. And so I think if you're talking to a person in a relationship and they're telling you,

you're too picky, they find your pickiness almost as like an affront on their decision to settle for someone and to an extent. And I say settle like that's a bad thing, but it's actually like your decision that being in a relationship with this person is worth giving up all of their annoying habits because everyone has annoying habits, including. Right. It's them saying, what do you think you're going to find perfect? Of course. You think you're going to find better than I found? Right. You think you're better than me? Right. You think you're better than me? You think you're going to find the perfect person? Yeah. Pickiness, I guess, is a spectrum. as we're saying. You don't want to be too extreme, but it's like on the spectrum.

Like, are you too picky or are you just picky enough? I want to talk about the ick factor for a second because people love talking about the ick. You said, Jared, that you think that only women have the ick and men don't have the ick. Maybe explain the ick. The way it was explained to me was like you go out with someone, they do one thing. You never want to fuck them ever. You're just like, I'm out. Like when you fell off the chair maybe. Right. When I fill off the chair, she probably looked at me and was like, that's enough for me. I'm done. I will never fuck, you know, fallout boy. I've seen enough.

So I, it's my belief based on, you know, the podcast that we do and hearing from, you know, women over the years. It's like, again, it goes back to the picky conversation. I think societally, and it's not really fair, if a woman complains about dating, they're told, just go out with him. Like, you know, they're not allowed to complain about dating unless, unless they've given someone a chance. men are never put in that position we're never told to give him a chance no no go on the date you know people go

you know if you don't want to fuck them you they go good okay don't go out with them like women are put time every time in this position of like if you want to be able to have this conversation about how horrible dating is you have to go out with every guy I put you out with so I think a lot of people are going out

with people that they don't really want to go out with they're talking themselves into and then they're getting on the date and the guy wears cargo shorts and they go, ick, I can't do it. That's it. When I think of the ick, which has happened to me a lot in my life, that I'm with someone. I'm actually in a row.

Maybe I'm dating them for a few months. We're sleeping here. Things are good. And then something happens. I'm like, oh, like they touch me. And I'm like, oh, I can't actually have you touch me anymore. To me, that's like you weren't all there until that touch. No question of the relationship.

I don't remember. Yes. I mean, probably there was our things happening. and that was the touch that broke the camera back. Well, I think it's kind of like, the touch strong. At like three months, let's say, like you really get to know who someone really is. And that's why I think so many things end at that point because that's when you're kind of like, all right, I have a pretty good sense of like who you are and like what you're, and something about that either works for you or doesn't work. And oftentimes it's like most people are not on the same page, which is why there's like a weirdness at that time.

But I think there's probably things you were discovering about him that you were just made. maybe a little turned off by it. It was just a moment. The ick thing is always like these frivolous, funny things. That's why it's a funny conversation because you go, oh, he sat crisscross applesauce. Like, oh, my God. Like, you know, I can't believe that's the thing that made me not. And you concentrate on the frivolous thing. But it's like, it's really a mask to say, like, that's not really my person.

Like, there was, we aren't the match. And I think a lot of times people are put to give a reason to why it didn't work out with someone. And it's a lot easier to say, can you believe they touch my arm that way as opposed to I don't really have a good reason other than we're not a personality match. I couldn't see a future with them. Like, that feels more serious and mean. Well, it's kind of like what you said. It feels like for women, there's a lot more pressure to just like date someone or like get over that. Like you said, men don't have that as much. So maybe it's just the way you're rationalizing doing that because it doesn't feel like it's okay to just say, he was great on paper, but I just wasn't feeling it.

I know what I used to do is I was like, this one's this problem. My mom's like, okay, Emily, what's their fatal flaw? Like I was always breaking out with people. She's like, what's their fatal flaw this time? And I was like, oh, well, this happened that happened. They always had fatal flaws. This is before I did a lot more work on myself. And I realized, like, we just weren't a match.

Like you said, like it doesn't even matter what they did or you did. It's never about those things that you think it is. Like if they made more money or they had a different car, they sat differently. It's really that at the end of the day, it's not really fair to try to try to. and make someone else the villain, because we have to remember that we are 50% of whatever the relationship was. Right. We were bringing ourselves to the table.

Don't swipe left. I'll be right back with Jared and Jordana to answer your dating and relationship questions. Okay, you guys, help me answer some emails from some of our people here since you guys are, That's what you do. This is from Bambi. I'm not sure if it's her real name. She's 27. Hey, Dr. Emily, big fan of the podcast, loving the new book.

Before starting your podcast, I thought I knew a lot about sex, and I'm realizing how much I don't know. I have a big crush on one of my best friends. We're both 27 in the same friend group. We've made it out quite a bit, and it was super hot. So I know he's attracted to me. He's also not emotionally available for a relationship right now and takes a long time to feel ready to date someone. He's been super kind about the fact that I clearly like him

and has said that he can see himself being with me in the future when he's ready. But recently, things have felt comparatively very platonic. I don't believe in the friend zone and that I value him a lot. I would never stop being a friend just because he's not into me. That said, I do think we have the potential to be in a great relationship too. And I don't want to give up on that. Do you have any advice and I have to nudge a friendship in a less platonic direction? Thanks.

I'm a fan. Okay. Can she do this? She's 27. She likes this guy. They've hooked up. And he's like, maybe in the future. It seems like Bambi has already nudged this out of the friend zone.

When you've gotten to the hookup place, I think that's pretty clear that she's made herself known as being into it, right? I think the important thing to know is that they're not really friends. And I think that that's like kind of a hard thing to realize because if there's like an underlying sexual tension, that's not a friendship. And it's never really going to go back to that. Jared, what do you think? Yeah, I'm with you.

That's a great point. totally agree. He also knows that what she said is true. They have to go from friends who have never fucked and just made out to serious relationship. There's no courting period because they already know what else is there to do. You guys get along as friends. Let's just add in the fun stuff. And now we're great. So he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with him. Yeah. So he is trying to hold her off and hold her at bay. He also knows that they probably would be a pretty good relationship. And I think for her, she's never going to do this, but this is the only way out is to like kind of break up with him. She has to end this and end the friendship.

Take some time off from it. People always email in and they're like, oh, well, I don't want to ruin our friendship or friendship. Like, you can't be friends. If you are having feelings for them and emotions, then sexual feelings. You're not, yeah, you're not friends. You're not going to go back to friends. You're going to have this unrequited thing and that's there. That's the elephant in the room. Like, deal with it. It's really hard once you hook up with somebody to go back and forth. You need like a distance, a break. And then maybe it'll be friends. Right. But not right away. The whole friendship thing, what do they need to talk about? You know, like, are they missing out on football games together? Are they missing out on like carpooling? Like, I don't know. I think

it's an excuse to not. He's dangling it because he doesn't want to be meat. He's got like the carrot. Right. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. And they probably have a larger friendship circle where he doesn't want it. But that's what I'm saying in terms of like what we do, which is like helping people read between the lines. Like, like you said, like when someone says, I am not ready for a relationship, it means I'm not, I don't want to have a relationship with you. I mean, it seems like harsh, but it almost like I think that knowing how to interpret those things actually helps you move on and create the distance.

Because instead of almost like believing that and saying, well, you know, I'll hang around as his friend and then one day he'll turn around and he'll realize he loves me, that doesn't actually help you. No. But I love your advice. I love that it's like read between the lines, all the information. there that you need, don't wait around for people to change and just, like, move on, go get what you want because people spend a lot of time in relationships that are just

hoping and analyzing and what does this mean and what does a text mean? And like, it probably means what it means. He's probably just done into this with you right now or she's not. Exactly. Like, a no is a no, a maybe is a no. A one day in the future is a no. Everything besides a like, yes, I'm in is a no. She's asking for, yes, I'm in. And she's not getting what she's asked for. And then she's making, oh, well, you know, should I wait around? So yes, I'm in? No. Should I nudge it?

Yeah, she's like, can I nudge it into a less platonic direction? No, like you've already tried. You've been there? No, I would say no. And I would say find new friends and new relationships because if she hangs on to him as a friend, she's going to get in the way of her other meeting other people. What do you guys think about, though, keeping your exes around? Do you think that can work or not work?

You guys friends with exes? No, but I think it's just going to, it's going to be so out there that it's been said. The words have to be said. Yeah. There's got to be a reason for the pleasant relationship. Like maybe you have kids together or there's something else there. Otherwise, it's like, I'm not friends with any exes. I would say that.

See, I am. I'm friends with all. We have this debate here, but I'm friends with all my axes, but not right away. Like, we took time off. We took a year off. Many of my exes are like, I remember having parties. There was like four exes there. How close are you?

But it wasn't a way close. Like, some of them I'm close with. Like, had a party and like there was three of them here. But, you know, over the last like 10, 10, 15 years, we weren't close right away. There was times it was a hard breakup, but then we genuinely liked each other. There wasn't a lot of drama. And so we like, I mean, there's for sure there are some exes that I'm not friends with. Maybe you're listening.

You're like, we're not friends. I hate you. Would they be at your wedding? Some of them I am. Maybe, yeah. If I had a wedding, a few of them, I'm like, I was at their weddings. Is there a little bit of a feeling around being friendships with the ex where it's like, I found you attractive enough to date and I liked your personality enough to date?

I like your personality enough to be your friend. Like, why wouldn't you be continuing to date? I think that's what it is. That's exactly. We had history together. We really genuinely. liked each other. I'm such a like communicator talker. We knew each other. I knew their families. And yeah, it just didn't work for whatever reason, circumstances or we weren't in the same

place. You know, that's a lot of it too is that if I didn't want a relationship and they did or whatever was happening in our lives, it just didn't work. And at the time, a lot of them, when I look, think of them, they were kind of messy and it hurt. And we're like stalking their Instagram. Like, oh, who's the new people who like them this week or their new friends and all that's what I do. Like, like, five years later, I'm like, bring your girlfriend over. Like, we're all friends. Lindsay's 26 in California. Dr. Emily, I've been dating a guy for a little over a month. He's 37. I'm 26. Recently, after one of our dates, we went back to his house. We started making out. Top started to come off. And I told him I wanted to have sex with him.

He literally looked at me and kind of chuckled and said, yeah. So I asked him, would you be okay with having sex? He again looked at me and said, I don't have a condom. Then I asked, well, if you did, would you? He again looked at me and said, yeah. I'm just so confused with we're together. We have an amazing time. I don't know if it's the age difference or what that makes out our amazing. However, when it comes to sex, he's awkward. Please help. I'm so lost. Have they had sex at all or? Sounds like no. They've had no sex. I thought maybe he's gay or in a relationship. I think to me, if there's anything I've learned from Jared, it's that like men are not as dumb as we think. And that he probably knows that is that I think what he probably knows is that by

having sex, he might be like leading her to believe that he's looking for something more serious than perhaps she is. And to me, that's another reason that men withhold from having. I think there's this notion among women that, like, men always want to have sex with you. Or men, like, that's all, you know, they're not thinking about the next day or if they find you attractive, they want to have sex with you all the time. And I don't think that that's really true. I think that men are, especially an older man who's in his later 30s, is going to know

what having sex means. And maybe he doesn't want to go there. I'm with you, Jordana. But I think you're right that when you get older, you're like, okay, so she seeps over. this is what it means in the morning, some of that, and then she's going to call me and I'm not in the movie. Right. And he walks ahead and goes, it's not worth it. I'll just jack off or have her.

Right. And then I don't have to hear. We can kind of think ahead. And I don't have to hear, but you slept with me and now, you know, you're not looking for anything serious, which I think at 37, a man has heard enough times to know that that's not something he wants to do, which is nice in a way. Joe Z's 22. Hey, Dr. Emily, my long distance boyfriend and I broke up about two months ago.

The main reason because he was not okay with me hanging out of alone with my guy friends. He's also mad when I told him about a few harmless dreams. One involving a guy kissing me, another one was me dating a guy from my middle school. He also picked a fight about me shaving my bikini line for going out one night with guy friends. And for a few jokes I made either at his expense or we had sexual connotations. All of these things I found dramatic, but he insists that I should be able to see how they would hurt him. I've been described as a guy as a girl a lot and my male friendships are completely platonic. When I tell him, he says, I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about them. I've tried to

to reassure him that it's my choice if I betray our relationship, but he gets angry because there's no clear boundaries. In his eyes, having a pregame with my three guy friends at my apartment alone is unacceptable, but he's working on getting more comfortable. So no surprise, we're back together. It's been three weeks and we keep fighting. The main thing that keeps coming up is I don't want to talk about sex constantly. There are times when it feels like we just use sex when there was nothing to talk about, but it gets difficult when he sexed me during the day and I'm not in the mood. Keeps asking, are you horny? Are you still into me? And then she gets to this. Most of my friends say he's toxic and I shouldn't put up with it.

I'm extremely torn, not sure what to do. On the one hand, I want this to work. On the other hand, I'm scared. It's a lost cause. And I'm just hurting myself more. So this one brought up a lot. I think first off, she's kind of baiting him by being like, I had a dream kissing another guy.

Like, most guys would get jealous about that talking about her bikini line and all that. But then she says her friends think he's toxic. So I'm just wondering what you think about all this information. Should we listen to our friends? Do you think this is clearly toxic? They're not going to work. They're young. What's your take on this?

And they're long distance? Long distance. They should break up. This is stupid. They, they, because here's what's going on. I'm not here to blame her. I'm happy she emailed in. She's looking for help.

But like, her friends are getting her side of the story. Okay. It's not even that she's hanging out with like other guys, who cares. It's that she's like making jokes at his expense. And then he's sexting and then asking, are you, still into me. So the sex thing he's doing is to like get her to check a box that she's still into him. So like there's no trust here. He's too self-conscious to be in a relationship. He needs to work on his confidence. And I don't think that she's really helping with his confidence by

telling him about the dreams and everything. So this is a bad match. And the distance takes a really confident person to be in a long-distance relationship and to be able to like let go of someone and be ready to have them when they're back and you're in the same area. So this isn't, and she has to wonder with all these problems and they've broken up and now gotten back together, I can only speak to her, but like, what keeps you in this? What makes you think that this is the only thing for you, that there's nothing better that's going to be more fun and, you know, maybe she kind of like likes the up and down nature to this whole thing, which is fine, but just admit to that.

I think there's like a gameness to this email, which reads immature to me, which reads like, you know, younger relationship. And I think, you know, that could be fun. That's exciting. A toxic relationship is quite fun, actually, I think, if you're into it. That's why we keep going back to them. It's why we love them. It sounds like it's really fun and then it's really bad.

And that's like, you know, if that's what she's looking for, because she is, you know, she is 22. That's okay. Sometimes you need to have some of those to get them out of your system. So, but I totally agree. It's drama. And what do you guys think real about friendships when your friends are like, dump him? I think, Jared, you made a good point at like, they're only hearing our side of it.

I mean, now as I've gotten older, I'm like, what's his side? But what do you guys think about your friends like him or don't like them? Take her the grain of salt or like listen to him. Well, here's what I'll say. In this scenario, she should dump him. So they're right, whether, you know, so like. But they're saying he's toxic, whether they're always right. Just know your friends are talking about the relationship.

They're both toxic. This is toxic. is probably what they need more than he is toxic. You know, you should listen to your friends because I don't want to get into this like, don't listen to your friends. They're telling you something. They're telling you something's off. That's hard enough.

They're being as truthful as they can be with you while still continuing your friendship. They can't look at you and be like, hey, you're a gaming asshole to this guy and this whole thing is toxic. They're more likely to say, he's toxic, get away from him. Because I just don't want to mix up, like, because sometimes your friends are like, this is dangerous. Like, that's a different story. But they're saying something. You've got to listen.

People don't want to like be uncomfortable with their friends. So they even say anything at all means they think something. The way that she's describing him is telling, even if it's not the most accurate, that you could still make an assessment based on that. I just hear drama. It's true. It's a lot of drama here. And I also learn as I go through life, now I stop and think, which friend should I ask

for advice on this? Like I just know that they don't have a great perspective on dating or on relationships or and whatever it is. So then you start to look at your friends. I used to just have the one friend that I call the two. And I'm like, oh, she would have a good perspective. She would be fair and even. Not necessarily the friends are going to tell me what I want to hear, but the friends

are going to tell me what, like, I should hear. But I think that takes time and maturity and life. That's a great point. Living the life. Yeah. I think like not all friends are created equal. So choose the people whose advice you take wisely. Choose wisely.

Okay. I'm going to ask you guys the five quickie questions. We ask all of our guests. So we'll just go back and forth. But it says don't overthink it. Just firstly comes to your mind. Ready? Biggest turn on.

Knowing what you want. Witt. Biggest turn off. Unawarness. Bragginess. Is that a word? Bragginess. Yeah.

Bravado. What makes good sex? Communication. Mystery. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Communicate more. Own what you want. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

Just because the sex is good does not mean the relationship is good. Talking is good. Don't just assume. Okay, I love it. That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily. And if you love the show, please like, subscribe, and leave a review wherever you get your podcast. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner.

It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and X. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sex withemly.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure.