Sex With Emily - Dating Ques, Party Shoes & Post-Coital Blues

Episode Date: August 15, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is covering everything from making your fetish work to getting the most out of your vibrator.    She reveals why you may be experiencing the post-sex blues, how long is too long to keep a butt plug in, if an age gap in dating makes a difference, and where to peak your sex party interests. Don’t forget to take our Alternative August sex survey at sexwithemily.com/august! Everything is anonymous, we just want to know what you’re into. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Blue Chew, Apex, JO Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show I'm talking about how to make the most out of your vibrator. While you may be experiencing the post-sex blues, how long is too long to keep a butt plug in and getting your partner on board with your fantasies? All this and more, thanks for listening! Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken,

he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Avaline? What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my God, I'm off here. So, I'm going. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithelmlee.com. Check out our blogs, our videos. You can easily subscribe to the podcast and take our new sex survey all month long. We wanna know a little bit more about your sex lives. You can be completely anonymous, of course, and it's the name of science.

We wanna know what kind of sex you're having, more about you and your relationships. And also, we have a few questions there about the show. What you'd like to hear, how you'd like to listen to it, and it'll just help us improve the show so we can continue to bring you all the information you need to have better sex and relationships.

And also, you can find me at Sex with Emily across the board on all social media. Okay, here's some sex in the news. What causes post-coital dysphoria? The reasons why you might be sad after sex. So we all know sex is meant to be fun and joyful, but for some people, the whole process of sex can be a lot more conflicting.

And I think we hear a lot about the after glow, the post sex glow, the wicking field. There's another post sex phenomena that's a lot darker and more difficult. And that's post-coital dysphoria or the post-sex blues that can affect you directly after sex or up to two hours afterwards. So just know that if you've been feeling sad after sex or during sex, it's important to know that you're not alone. And just to kind of let it flow, give your body space and time to release what it needs to release.

And the reason why this study is so interesting and why they keep picking this up on a bunch of different news outlets is because for a long time, this has been thought to predominantly impact only women. But in this new study, they found out that 46% of women have experienced it in the last, you know, at least once, while 5% experienced it multiple times a month. But the new study shows that actually men have experienced it almost as frequently as women. So if so many people are experiencing it, you know, what causes it? What do we do about it?

Because I know you guys, I'm going to admit, I've had an orgasm and I've cried. I've even had sex and cried. Now without orgasm, I've been connected to a partner and feeling really great love, but I've also felt this sadness or just a, because you guys think about it. It's kind of like when you do drugs or you drink, it's like you have this in your body or a shift in a you know in just your in your state of consciousness and sex can do that When you're really present and vulnerable the flip side of that can be when it's over You start to feel vulnerable or sad. So that's totally normal and here's some of the reasons why it happens and what to do by it And guys I want you know for the men out there. we see you, we hear you, let it go.

If you're feeling sad and teary, you're vulnerable, we embrace you, all of us. We're all in this together, you guys. So there's not one cause for PCD. It could be a hormonal shift. I think a lot of this does have to do with hormones. We have a high level of dopamine that average and the body releases the hormone

prolactin after sex. And then there's cause of sudden drop in dopamine that could be linked to BCD and also orgasm. There's also a spike in a drop that happens. And it could also be, you guys, if we didn't grow up in a very sex positive environment, or if there was trauma and shame around sex, believe it or not, you might think you've left that all behind,

but if you're still hanging onto that of sex, you know, afterward you feel kind of dirty, or you feel like sludgy or you did something wrong, that's also going to impact your sex life. You know, we're having sex with a part that we feel vulnerable and we feel free and we feel really good in the moment. And then right after we have something that I like to call a shame over where we might feel, oh God, that felt too good or did it get too close or was that wrong to have sex, it's just coming from these old beliefs and old thoughts.

And so we might want to shut it down and pretend it didn't happen. But I think like every thought, it's so easy to numb things and shut it down. It's much better just to feel it and hopefully you're choosing partners and having sex people that you feel really comfortable to totally be yourself. And also again, going back to childhood or going back to traumatic events, if you've had a sexual trauma or you've had something that's happened to you, sex can just be trailing. It can be triggered to a sexual act that's maybe outside your comfort zone, maybe you're

going too fast or doing too much than what you could actually handle, which might be a great way for you to kind of slow down and look at it and go, oh, was there something in this sexual encounter that didn't feel great to me? And it can also be exacerbated if you're drinking or doing drugs. We drop our inhibitions and then when it's over, we're like, oh God, did I cross a boundary? Did I let them cross my boundary? But even if you're sober, if you've been abused or you've been assaulted, it can be triggering. You just want to make sure that you are getting help seeking out therapists, especially if you've

had sexual trauma. I can't emphasize this enough. I know I talk about a lot on the show, but if you have had any kind of trauma around sex abuse therapy is your friend, you need to get into therapy and to work it out. There's therapists that specialize in it. I love EMDR therapy for trauma.

That's just my side note here. Communication overall, you guys always does matter. We think of sex, we think of for play, we think of actual sex, but there is after care after sex. How do you really care for yourself and your partner after sex? I think that's just being in a relationship where you can communicate with someone, let them know that I'm just feeling sad or just holding me here. Emily said, this is normal.

Whatever you want to say to it, let yourself feel those feelings. Because if we repeatedly are holding back an emotion or feeling, you guys, whatever you resist, persist. So we want to be in healthy, safe relationships and surround and be in a community of people that we can actually be, we can be honest about our emotions and our feelings. So here's the bottom line on your post-coital blues.

It can be situational. It can be related to the quality of that particular sex blues. It can be situational, it can be related to the quality of that particular sex act. It could be because you feel empty and you don't feel that you feel unsatisfied or you could be having amazing sex with an incredible partner and still feel this way. So I just want you all to feel know that like everything passes and to pay attention to that feeling and try to work out where it comes from so you can kind of think of was this something that something happened to this remind me of a past thing, or maybe just in the moment you're feeling like,

you know, your hormones have shifted, and you just kind of kind of ride it out, let your partner know what you need, a hug, or maybe we're taking nap or fall asleep, get something to eat, just communicate after sex, because it's just important as how you start it is how you finish it. All right, guys, women are more sexually adventurous

when trying for a baby. I found this interesting because, hey, I know a sexually adventurous when trying for a baby. I found this interesting because, hey, I know a lot of us trying for babies. It happens at different points in your life or different to maybe you've already had a baby or you friends are trying for a baby or maybe you're in this particular situation. So the study found that women are more sexually adventurous when trying for a baby. Have to do it more often and have fifth-chainions more frequently with the hope of conceiving quicker. They change their behavior both in and out of bed because they're worried about fertility.

But here's what I found interesting. And this is such a known fact. You guys ever had those friends who were like, well, we were so, we kept trying to baby. And I was doing all the things and getting acupuncture and taking vitamins. And the doctor said it wasn't going to happen. And the second we stopped worrying about it, we got pregnant.

So, and this study found the same thing. The biggest obstacle to conceiving is fretting about trying to get pregnant. So, when you're fretting and worrying more, not that you don't have to make it important to take a multivitamin, see your doctor, get everything checked out. But if you're like really worried about conceiving, it just seems like something's just got to let go. The study also found that if you're like really worried about conceiving, it just seems like something she's got to let go.

The study also found that if you're having regular sex and you're still enjoying it, you got to make sure that it's not a chore. Because a lot of times it is the woman's responsibility. I feel like she's the one who's getting checked and going to acupuncture and taking the vitamins and doing all these things of trying to keep sex interesting and not so much about their partners.

It says only a third of their partners are making lifestyle changes. So I just want to say that the guy's got to get checked too. Get their sperm checked and see how healthy their sperm is. I think a lot of times women are kind of taking the blame for not for why they can't get pregnant. And hey, guys, if there's ever been like a time for you to be on board with your partner and for you both to have both feet in,

that's when you're trying to conceive. And fertility can be so all-consuming for women that they are willing to try anything and everything to get pregnant, but the piece of advice we have to say is relax, stay positive and enjoy all of the sex and make sure that you're both on board and helping each other so you can have a

Baby and it all works out Some other things in this study you guys it showed two thirds of women worried about fertility before they even started trying for a baby So the more you can mitigate all this worry around fertility and Just make sure that you are the healthiest you can be that you get checked out by your doctor and that your partners on board with you, the better. And also as an age, weight, work pressures, and friends' experiences were among the major causes of concern. You guys, we are all different.

Your friend might get pregnant. It's really easily. Another friend might have done a vitro, like it's all different. So, each two people together are gonna be bringing their, you know, their own sperm and their own eggs to the table. It makes a unique situation. So, you really just wanna keep the focus within your relationship.

And if you're trying to get pregnant right now, remember, this is the best time for you guys to employ all the great sex tips that I give you on the show. Like, how can you make this sex interesting? It's not so much to change all your positions and do all this crazy things. It's more about like, how can you guys really connect by opening up and exploring your sex life because, remember, after you have baby, it's going to take a while until you're all having sex again. So really, I think you've got to stop the anxiety and do all the smart things like see a doctor, but really make sure your partner is on board. Just relax, stay positive, and enjoy all that sex.

And finally, how to make better use of your vibrators. I like this study because I thought I talk a lot about sex toys and I feel like I'm always giving you guys tips, but I thought maybe you are sitting on a toy. Maybe you even bought a toy and you're like, I didn't like it. Or I tried it once or I lost a charger. I forgot about it because this happens to a lot of people. I know they're like, oh yeah, you gave me that womanizer, for example, I have a friend and she's like,

oh, I know you call the clip whisperer, I know you love it, but I didn't really get it. I'm like, well, you can change out the tips, like the womanizer comes with little tips, you can put them over your clippers in different ways. And I think, I'm the same way. I don't want to read instructions,

I don't want to read the directions, I just want something to work, and I can get frustrated, but I'm telling you guys, if you invested in a toy and you bought a vibrator and you really want to figure the directions. I just want something to work and I can get frustrated, but I'm telling you guys, if you invested in a toy and you bought a vibrator and you really want to figure out how to use it, here's some ways to make it work for you. Just to remind her, the reason why we use vibrators are because they're fun.

They mix up your sex life. We can feel different sensations. They are not better or superior or inferior to any other kind of touch or orgasm, it's just that women and men, we just kind of like variety. We want to feel some vibration sometimes. And a lot of women just really need the consistent simulation of their clitoris to have the same experience as men do because men can have more think about it when you're having like PV sex or you're inserting your penis into something, you're having constant stimulation. Well, the clutter is hanging out out there,

doesn't always have the stimulation it needs. So, vibrators can help with that. But whether you're solar with a partner, you know, I'm a huge fan of vibes. So, here are some tips. Pick the right one. If you've never had a vibrator, I often suggest starting with something

like a little clitoral vibrator or a bullet vibe. But if you've been like, you know what? No, I've got my a vibrator. I often suggest starting with something like a little um, literal vibrator or a bullet vibe. But if you've been like, you know what? No, I thought of my clitoris. I actually want to look for my G-Spot. Or I want to play, I want to get some more stimulation on my A-N-S. I love try a butt bug. Think about where you might like to start. I mean, there are so many different vibrators out there

to choose from and I'm telling you, even last 13 years that I've been doing a show, I feel like vibrators have become so much more body-safe, mainstream, really cool, like bells and whistles and vibes and things you can do with them that it really is the time, if you've never tried a vibrator, the design, the manufacturing, and all the amazing things you can do, it's the right time.

Make sure that you love it. So if you've got an old vibrator and you don't love it, go out and buy one. Do some research, we've got a lot of information on your site. Think about it. When you buy a bunch of things you don't like, but you have that one shirt that you love or you're to yourself to a necklace and you want to wear it all the time, or we just feel good when we buy things that make us feel good. This is something that you're putting in your body.

Just make sure that you love your new toy, or at least really, really like it, and you're excited about it. The second thing is you guys make sure that you give your self-time to explore. So like I said, there's people who get them, and they're like, I tried it once, or it didn't work, give it another try. It takes a while to adapt to a new anything,

like getting to work your new cell phone, or your new car, new technology, a vibrator is the same way. And the best part about it is that like, there's so many different ways to use them, like so many different ways in your body. Like, I can tell you this is for clitorial stimulation, but you might find out, you know what, it's not so much my clitoris, it's like my pubic mound, that area above the clitoris, or it could be my labia where it feels good.

Or I just want to use just one of my anus. So this is the work that you have to do. You know, when you're masturbating, kind of use it all different parts of your body and explore with the vibrator. Don't just limit it to the prescribed way that I'm saying you could use a toy. A lot of them, we've called them miscellaneous for a reason, they can feel great. Play with the settings, play with the different functions, and get comfortable with your vibrator. Use it with a partner, you guys.

I know that there was this no-show in vibrators came out. It was like for women who couldn't get a partner. And they're like, well, I'm just home until a penis comes along or until something better comes along. Well, that's not the case. I think we all know that the idea of vibrators replacing a partner or in lieu of a partner is just kind of ridiculous. I think you guys all know that it can really add a lot to your sex life. And that is starting to change. So I hope that we've let go of all of our judgments around toys and you feel comfortable using it with a partner because studies have shown that the women who own a vibrator

like up to 75% of 80% of those women actually use it with a partner and that studies a few years old now. So I think that every year we're getting more bold, more comfortable to kind of share the experience with our partner. We always want to use Lube with a toy. Water-based Lube, you guys, you just want to put it directly on. It really helps just if you drop. So you don't need a ton of Lube. Few drops on your Clitoris pre-gain with some Lube and then use the toy to make a world of difference. So maybe you use it once and you're like, oh, it was too much or it didn't feel great. Add some loop or use it over your clothing at first to kind of get yourself a rouse,

feel the sensations and get yourself turned on. Little foreplay with yourself. Try the vibration patterns that come with the toys. They make those patterns for a reason. I think we all get set in our ways that we all do around here. We talked about it and I actually, we said, do you guys ever mix up the settings? And I feel like I kind of forget to do that sometimes,

but when I do it, I'm like, oh, I didn't know that this pattern can feel great as well. Like, you're getting a vibrator and it looks like it does one thing. But really, you'd be so surprised to find out that playing with the 10 different vibration speeds and playing with the different patterns can kind of like every time it's like a new vibrator. So play with the 10 different vibration speeds and playing with the different patterns can kind of like every time it's like a new vibrator. So play with the pattern you haven't tried. If you've been intimidated by the highest power setting, you know, go there. Does it have an attachment? Use the attachment.

Be open to all the things that your vibrator has to offer. Because who knows what you're going to find. Only way to play. Also you guys, you can change positions. I like this too because I forget to do this. Lending on top of your vibrator for hands-free front is definitely a position that deserves more love. So whether you're on your belly or sitting upright, grinding against your vibe rather than

holding it directly on you is a whole new level of friction and it just feels different. You can easily incorporate this into partner sex. You can lay it underneath you. You can use it for feels different. You can easily incorporate this into partner sex. You can lay it underneath you. You can use it for oral sex. You guys, I love using a viper oral sex. It feels amazing. None of my partners have ever complained when I like. I use it at a low setting on their shaft

or their balls or outside of my mouth. So your mouth, if you put on your cheek when you're performing oral on a man or a woman, it feels amazing. So changing positions, just having it by the bed charge I'm ready to go is one of the best advice I can tell you. It shouldn't be like an afterthought. If it's always there like your lube and your condoms and your vibe, then you're ready

to go and you can have a lot of fun with these toys. As always, I'm open for all of your sex toy questions. You can just email me. Okay, we're going to give a shout out to our sponsors, and then we're on to your emails. I'll be right back. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Okay, guys, I got it.

I love answering your questions. I love it, love it, love it. Please email me your questions. If you want one answer on the show, you can text Ask Emily all one word to 7979. Fill out the short form or go to my website, sexwelvy.com. Click the Ask Emily tab and as always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. This is from Danny 35 in Annapolis. Hi Emily, I'm singing you guy an artist.

We were having some problems with sex and I feel like I'm being blamed a bit. He can get hard, but it takes a lot of coaxing, oral sex, rubbing. Isn't normal to have to actually try to give a guy a boner. Sometimes it'll be almost hard and then even with coaxing, it'll shrink back. Then he gets frustrated because I let go and I focus on kissing or cuddling or something else. And he says, if I just keep going, he'll get hard again.

He tells me all the time how sex I am. He touches me a lot. Basically, I know he's attracted to me. I think you see where I'm going. This is probably ED erectile dysfunction and not me at all. The issue is twofold. Number one, how do I tell him to maybe go see a doctor without ruining his fragile artist, Ego?

Number two, how do I tell him these kind of blaming me? And that's essentially bullshit. Thank you, girl. Your podcast is lovely. Okay, Danny, thank you for this very detailed question. I love all the information here, and I know it's weird. You're like, is it normal to have to actually try try to give up a guy a boner? In most cases, I get it guys pretty much. They get hard. They stay hard, but there are times where there might be a

little erectile challenges as you are experiencing. What I don't love here is that he's getting frustrated with you and he's not like like because I understand that you're like dude I'm here I'm helping you get hard not I'd like some kissing I want some touching and he's getting frustrated so that like makes me realize that there is a lot of anger around it and there's probably something that he's dealt with in the past and so I do think that when you're in a neutral setting you guys you know not doing the bedroom you definitely don't want to talk about his penis in the bedroom, especially in this scenario. The only time you want to talk about sex is if you're a pain in the moment in bedroom,

or maybe there's like a new position you want to try together and you got to move it around and something hurts, you want to speak up. But most of these kind of things, especially this, outside the bedroom. So you can let him know that you really want to turn him on and you want him to feel amazing and it seems like he's getting frustrated. So you know, it seems like it gets frustrated where I'm trying to get too hard. It's not happening. I'm wondering if you should go see a doctor.

Once a year, when we have to get a pap smear, we go to the gynecologist's office. We put our legs up in these cold clamps and men like literally barely ever go to doctors to talk about their penises. Unless there's a problem and then we got like coax them into it. But the truth is, I think that I'm super healthy from to go talk to a doctor because I don't know if you're 35, maybe he's about your age. Who knows? I don't know if he's taking drugs or he's drinking a lot or maybe there is something going on. So I think he definitely has to talk to a doctor and it's okay for you to

let him know that you care about him and you want him to have the best sex possible. for you to let them know that you care about him and you want them to have the best sex possible. I would also say mutual masturbation is a huge huge tool that can be used for so many great reasons in a relationship because number one, you know, when you're both masturbating next to each other, you're kind of looking at your partner and you're seeing what they do to turn them on. So it might be helpful for you to actually see how he touches himself and does he stay hard during masturbation That's really key because if there's nothing going on During masturbation, it's fine. There could be something going I mean a lot of times erectile challenges Do if they are in the mind has to with anxiety?

Maybe it happened to him in the past and it's worth it's gonna happen again So there are some stuff that's a whole other conversation about how we deal with that I we've got a lot of information in the site I've talked about in the show, but I think that would help you because number one You're gonna be learning something and it can be really hot and he can see how you're touching yourself Because my other concern in reading this Danny is are you getting your needs met? I know he's telling you that you're sexy But it sounds like he's being good boyfriend, but I wanna make sure that you're getting yours too.

So perhaps him watching what you're doing, that'll turn him on, he'll know how to touch you, and then also you'll both be having orgasms. And daddy, it's told you okay to let him know that he's not making you feel great, because it seems like you are really trying to help me. So you can let him know that it's frustrating and he's not making you feel really good

by getting frustrated with you in the moment It's okay to let him know how he makes you feel without blaming without shaming without starting the sentence But you always do this but just saying babe. I care about you But when we're having sex it makes me feel like I'm not pleasing you and I this is not a comfortable situation for me to be in So let's get to the bottom of this so we continue having amazing sex. Okay, Danny? Let me know how it goes. Okay, this is from Andrew. He's 30 in Illinois. Hello, Emily. I love your podcast. It's such a good resource slash source of information. I've been married for over two years now and I absolutely love my wife. We have so much fun together. My issue is that I love being naked. I'm very much into CFNM,

that is, Closed Female Nude Male, and just love to show off what I have. My wife is okay with my love of nudity, and she knows about my CFNM fantasies. This past weekend we had a party, and as it got late into the night, it was just my wife and a new younger friend of ours. She's 23, we're 30, and another guy friend of mine. We were playing drinking games and one of the rules was taking out a club clothing off if you curse. I eventually ended up naked. It was such an amazing experience for me being naked in front of a woman, not my wife

that I'm super attracted to, I loved it. Number one, how do I communicate just how much the experience turned me on without making my wife feel self-conscious? Number two, how can I communicate that I want to be naked and seen by other women? Number three, I love to be naked in front of our friend again or any other of the female friends we have. Even if it's a party, like atmosphere, like the other night. However, I want to be respectful to everyone and not offend anyone.

I'm not into flashing, just consensual nudity. Thanks for your help. Okay, Andrew, thank you for getting for your detailed question, you guys. You guys have been really well with your questions. I appreciate all these specific examples. So let me address these one by one. How do you communicate, how the experience turned me on

without making yourself conscious? Well, I think she knows that it did turn you on, so you could just let her know that that was really fun the other night. And I would say how you can express it is you can ask her how it made her feel. I think we got to start with how did you feel about it, babe, because that's kind of a big thing, right? Like she allowed you to be naked and walking around with a guy friend and a new younger

friend. So I want you to listen carefully to her answer and not make this all about you, because that's going to dictate how we move forward. The next thing from that is you want to ask her if she has any fantasies that she'd like to try, right? So you're getting your fantasies met here, but we have to remember that it can't be about you. So ask her like, I'm so appreciative, I really loved it. That was so much fun.

What are your fantasies? Now, I hope that she's got something to answer. Maybe she wants it for three-summer, wants to watch porn with you, or wants to, you know, use a sex toy. So, you know, have her, um, ask her those questions and tell you really want to please her as much as you got satisfaction out of the other night. And then you can let her know how much I was turned on for you and reinforcing how you feel about her. So you can say that was really sexy.

I loved having you there and ask her how she felt because she, you're feeling great right now, but we have to know how let, let it, you know, see how it sinks in because sometimes it can take a few days or a few weeks to let people know how it feels. So your second question is, how do I communicate that I want to be naked and see where other women? I think it's the same. When you tell her how great it feel, you could tell her that you'd like to do it again. But we just have to make sure that she feels good about this.

Now, your third question, I don't, okay, this is where you kind of maybe go, errr, wait a minute. I'm not sure it's a great idea for you to continue to be naked in front of all the friends, and especially this friend again, because not everybody's going to be as cool as your wife and comfort with it and this friend again, because not everybody's gonna be as cool as your wife and comfort with it and this friend. So I just think without, unless you guys are really open and really close and you guys can all have a really open conversation

about it with the friend like over lunch, then maybe you could bring her in again. But my hunch is that if you guys become that home, people do talk that you have, even if you say you don't care about it, you know you might have kids one day in the neighbors and they're like, oh my god, he's always getting naked when you come over to the house. I think you can still get your needs met if the two of you look into play parties or swing your clubs in your area because not everyone's gonna be cool with you being naked and especially friends. Now, I'm super comfortable around sex. I go to parties where we're naked in the hot tub and whether I've seen them naked or not,

and it's not a big deal. I also live in California, however I am from the Midwest. And I remember moving to California 25 years ago and that whenever I was naked in the hot tub, it kinda did freak me out. I was like, we don't do this in Michigan. So I just know Andrew being in Illinois,

it's a different world. So again, I would suggest that you kinda find, go on FET life, talk to something, you're in Illinois, there's like sex toy stores, you can go in and ask them, like do they know about play parties or other places you can go where you can go. Number one, still get your fancies met,

walk around naked in front of other people who are naked, but also make sure that it's in a safe, contained environment where you and your wife are respecting each other and each other's boundaries. So thank you Andrew. Our next email is from Jason, 30, and Missouri. I have some questions about butt plugs. I'm wondering how long it's safe to leave a butt plug in for and would there be any differences between a silicone one and a metal one. Also, any advice or words of wisdom when it comes to the idea of wearing one

through security at an airport seemed exciting at the time and the reason I brought up a silicone one, the theory being it would not be picked up by a metal detector or body scanner, but I chickened out at the last minute. Speaking of that, would it show up on a body scan machine? Thanks and hopeful for some answers. Keep up the show. I love it when I'm able to listen. Okay, Jason.

So butt plugs. Okay, you should really leave it a butt plug in for no longer than like two to three hours tops. It can stretch out the rectal area and just like, you know, you shouldn't leave anything inserted in your butt. I'm hard-pressed to think about anything you should leave inserted, even a tampon for too long. So you want to remove things from your body.

As far as a difference between, yeah, there's a silicone or a metal one, no matter what you choose, you don't want to leave in for much longer than two to three hours. Okay, as far as going through security, I get the thrill of it, but it's not necessary. It can definitely be picked up on security, but why, I think it can be, we're not 100%,

you know, they're definitely more lax and certain airports, but why risk it? I'm cool with you bringing it on the airplane, probably not the metal one, you might have to explain that if it pull out of your bag, but bring a silicone, and then the second you board, I'm totally fine with you wearing that throughout the flight, but I don't think you need to risk it through security,

especially these days, okay? But I like the question, Jason, if you do get away with it, let me know. Okay, this is from Cody, another email from Missouri, 28th in Missouri. Hello, my wife and I have been together since high school, married a few years ago. I've listened to the show for a long time. Thank you Cody for listening

and have suggested many things to keep our sex life spicy and the variety there. I have a higher sex drive than she does and she's pretty mellow. She uses toys in me, I use toys in her, we change it up. However recently she's been really the thargic, not taking initiative or horny. One at a tumbler, I came across the idea of cuckolding, chastity and whatnot. Really like the idea mainly because it makes her take a role in everything, especially the initiative aspect. My wife is into it and likes the ideas. Got a chat city cage, started the ideas of cross-dressing humiliation, edging, talking to other men, etc. We've talked extensively about how to go about this.

When she takes the reins, she's either super duper cheesy or chooses nothing because she feels awkward, which is extremely frustrating to me. How do I ever get her comfortable enough to participate in doing things you talked about? Thanks. Okay Cody, let's back up for a bit. First of all, thank you for listening to the show. I love that it's helped you and that you guys have always been trying to spice things up

and keep things sexy. So you've been together since high school. So we're talking 10 years, which I also love because that you're right. You've got to keep working on it. And to say that she's a higher sex drive than you, um, perhaps right now, perhaps since you said right now, she's being a little more the thargic. Who knows what it could be? Should you be tired? It could be stress. So I think that's okay. It's nothing to trip up on. Like as you've heard me say in the show, if you've listening Cody, it just can change a different times in life. There might be

time when you don't want much sex believe it or not. So I'm just telling you again and reinforcing to all the listeners that this is normal. So let's get into your cuckolding. Let me explain that to what that is if you guys don't know cuckolding is a fantasy or a fetish that men have about their partners watching their a lot of times it started have about their partners watching their lot of times it started with like their wives watching their wives or their community partners have sex with another man while they watch and it can be a huge turn on for men and for women and be like what oh man I know there's a lot of guys going to hell no I never want to see another man

no right because not every fantasy or fetish is for every guy but the premise this is that there's just guys who something about the, actually, they get off and actually seeing their partner have pleasure. Like that actually is a turn on for them and then there's a little bit of a shame aspect, like some guys talk about how this shame around it or maybe like seeing them with another man that that can kind of be reverse in their brain and they can turn it into, they can eroticize it. So that's kind of like the, what we're talking about when it comes to cuckolding, which is really kind of an extreme or kind of thing to play with with a partner. So Cody, let me say in reading this, I was like, whoa, good.

I want to give a high five to your wife for being so cool with this, okay? So there's a lot of women. So you've gotten really far in the cuckolding fantasy life here, farther along than most people. So you're getting like all the the cuckolding fantasy life here. Farther along than most people. So you're getting like all the chips around your side here, Cody. So I want you to just take a deep breath and to relax around this and give her a break with this because because you can't expect her to be an expert at it. It's new to both of you.

So what she needs is probably a little bit more information. I mean, honestly, I teach cuckolding and fantasies, and if I had to do it for the first time, I might be cheesy and awkward as well. Because anytime you try something new, especially like sex mixed with a little acting, little role-playing, like that's like your brain's going, wait, what, like another thing I gotta use words. So remember, it's not easy for everyone,

and it can be frustrating for her too. So walk her through it before sex happens. You guys could watch some porn, read a rhodica, find some books that kind of depict cuckolding fantasies. Find what really turned you on. It sounds like your wife is really cool with you taking the lead, but she just needs more examples of what it means. So you might have watched one thing together, but this just takes a little bit more work.

And maybe you guys want to practice going through it without it all being lined up. Like within your penis isn't locked up in the cage, you guys, that's what a chastity cage is. It's a little cage for your penis. So maybe without all the props, you guys can just kind of do some role-playing. And when you're on a, like make fun of it. You guys have to be so serious. So this could be like when you're on a road trip, when you're taking a hike, when you're

eating breakfast, I don't know, talk about it. But like, this is a scenario I found and she can practice. So when you're actually ready to go, she'll be more inspired and she'll be able to figure out like what you need and kind of figure out what feels comfortable to her. But in no way, don't want you to berate her or make her feel bad about this. I'm glad you're emailing me about it. So you can go back to her and say, I love that you're doing this. Let's figure out some ways to make it run smoothly for both of us. Okay, Cody? All right, we have Annie 25 Sydney, Australia. Hey, Emily,

I was dating guy 11 years older than me and I want to know if I could have handled the situation differently. We were dating almost a year and also said he liked me but he could not commit. He was way too concerned about age difference because of how his ex acted, his ex was my age and he also said that I'm way more mature than he is. It drove me up a wall and I'm not an expressive person with saying how I feel so I just accepted the words but it frustrated me that he used his last relationship to put a block up to our situation. It's been almost a year since we dated, but I keep thinking about, I let him go too easy.

I still feel the same way about him. How can I approach him now after a year to try again, or should I even bother? Okay, Annie, I'm really glad that you email this question because I think that a lot of times people will say things and use words and relationship that we just carry on. We're like, God, this partner said I wasn't a lot of times people will say things and use words and relationship that we just carry on We're like God this partner said I wasn't a great lover. They didn't like my boobs They didn't like my family or they did it and we really take that as a truth

But so many times people say have zero to do with us like literally zero And I'm concerned like I think that he might have just been using that as a tool to not have to get close to you, saying that his ex, well, yeah, you're just like his ex and he can't move past it. Could have just been a reason for him not to have to get as close to you. It could have been a reason he's using not to have to commit to you. So I'm sure that you're very, you're really armature and, but I don't think that you need to go back to this guy. I think you kind of have a little bit of euphoric recall,

which is what we do after a relationship ends. We put him on this pedestal. We just remember all the great things that happened. So I'm going to say no. Do not bother to contact him, move on. I don't love that he said these things to you. I don't think he was doing it in a harmful place. It made sense to him.

In context, he might have thought, well, this is a reason why I can keep this woman at bay because she reminds me of my ex, but I guarantee you that this guy, there's a lot of things going on. So the sooner that you can let go of this unfelome in social media and replace any thoughts that you have of this guy with, remember my thought, remember my words here, okay, Annie, when you keep thinking about him, he doesn't deserve any more of your time or your thoughts. So, especially at 25, you don't need to go dipping back into that X-Pool. Move forward. So, when you hear yourself going, oh, I wonder if I should come? Go, nope, I'm going to replace the three positive things that I can do moving towards dating someone new.

Maybe it's not for a dating site. Maybe it's letting your friends know that you're single. Maybe it's saying yes to a party that you wouldn't normally go to. Put yourself out there to meet new people. It sounds like you haven't met anyone else to replace this guy, so he keeps coming up in your thoughts, but I'm telling you, he's not the right guy for you, Annie. Garrett 26 Dallas, Texas. Hey, Emily, I listened to your podcast about your first sex party with Captain Erotic on the other day, and I loved it. Ever since, I found myself dreaming about attending one of these.

I've been very shy in the past, but over the last couple of years, have really come out of my shell and enjoyed meeting new people. I would love to get more information on how to attend one of these. You helped so many listeners with the things people are not always comfortable talking about, keep up the good work.

Thank you, Garrett, and thank you for listening, and I love it, you guys. So back in June, I posted a throwback episode with Capituratica and it's probably 10 years old or 9 years old and God, I love that episode too Garrett and I'm glad that you brought this up because it was my first sex party. I'd never been to a sex party or play party and we talked about my first experience. So if you guys want to go back and listen to that episode, I think you will enjoy it. So as for you, Garrett, in Texas, here's, and here's where a lot of places that you guys can go into states and possibly internationally is the first website I'd recommend for these

parties is FET life, FET life. There's also Cassidy, K-A-S-I-D-I-E.com. And there's even Facebook private groups if you search for like BDSM or Kink or Swingers. I think you're really just in your Dallas, which is a big city, like I'll bet there are people that you know, or maybe it's a friend of a friend or your cousin's boss or something.

There's gotta be somebody that you've heard of that probably is in this world. And if you know anyone who's into Kinky's stuff or BDSM, you could probably approach them or find somebody who kind of find you a link to the home play parties now. And so typically with these parties, it has to be a couple with a single woman or a bunch of single women.

But typically they don't let single guys go to these parties. But again, it might have changed. There's different groups for everything. But I would say for Dallas, check out FatLife, Arcacity, see where that gets you, and if there's a cool sex toy store, which I'm sure there isn't Dallas, a lot of times they have, like you can go to their website and see if they have any meetup groups or teach classes. Those would definitely be like-minded people in your community that can help you find out how to find fun people to play with in Texas.

And I'd love to hear about Sex Parties in Texas Garrett, so you need to go and report back. So thank you for emailing, and thank you everybody for listening to the show. Check out our survey. It just takes a few minutes, and we'd love to hear from you. Thank you so much to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael.

Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.