Sex With Emily - Dating Smarter w/ Dr. Helen Fisher & Dr. Justin Garcia

Episode Date: December 2, 2022

Dating - for most of us, it's a necessary evil. We fear rejection, don’t know where to look for our people, or simply feel it's a hopeless waste of time. But as my guests on today’s show can attest, the research behind dating may tell a different story. Today, I’m joined by Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher and evolutionary biologist Dr. Justin Garcia of the Kinsey Institute. They pulled data from 5,000 American singles ages 18-89 as part of Match’s annual Singles in America survey, and the results are fascinating. People dating more consciously - hookup culture is dead, and singles are prioritizing things like political awareness rather than looks. We’ll unpack their findings and why today’s singles should be more optimistic than ever about finding their match.Show Notes:Sexiest Gift Guide Ever: Emily’s Picks for 2022 HolidaysArticle: Cold Weather Date Ideas7 New Ways to Use a Magic WandSingles in America StudyMore Dr. Helen Fisher: WebsiteMore Dr. Justin Garcia: Kinsey Institute Bio | Instagram | Twitter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Get off the dating site and get to know at least one of these people better. And that's what they're doing now. They're spending their time to get to know them. In fact, one more thing, 36% of them say they're willing to wait on sex. They don't want to jump into bed right away. They want to get to know somebody first and that's the way to find love. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around

sex. Dating for most of us, well, it's a necessary evil. We fear rejection, we don't know where to look for our people, or simply feel it's a hopeless waste of time. But, as my special guests on today's show can attest, the research behind dating may tell a different story. Today I'm joined by anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, an evolutionary biologist Dr. Justin Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute. They pulled data from 5,000 American singles ages 18 to 89 as part of matches annual singles and America survey. And the results this year are fascinating.

While first, people are dating more consciously. You know, they're really being intentional about who they're dating. Hook up cultures on the decline, and people want deeper connections, both physically and emotionally. Well unpack their findings, and why today's singles should be more optimistic than ever about finding their match. Intentions with Emily for each episode, I wanna start off with an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same.

My intention is to share the research so you'll be more inspired and optimistic about dating. Listen, people are looking for long-term deep connections, which means if you're looking for a relationship, the time to date is now. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Cold Weather Date Ideas, is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, Social Media, and TikTok.

It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and it's told to cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Today's episode is presented by Magic Wand. Stick around to the end of the episode to hear more about why I've been a fan of their vibrators for so long. Hard of one, enjoy this episode.

Dr. Ellen Fisher is a biological anthropologist, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and chief science advisor to match.com. She's the author of six internationally bestselling books on the evolution biology and psychology of human sexuality, the neurochemistry, romantic love, and attachments, and much more. Today, she's applying her understanding of brain chemistry and personality to love, how it works, and how to find it. Dr. Justin Garcia, Executive Director of the Kinsey Institute, and the Ruth Halls Professor of Gender Studies at Indiana University since 2010 he served as Scientific Advisor to

Match, helped to conduct the brand's annual Singles in America study, and award-winning sex and relationship scientist, he focused on the evolutionary and biocultural foundations of romantic and sexual relationships across a lifetime. Welcome both of you to the show, Dr. Fisher, Dr. Garcia. I am so excited to have you here today because this first off, I am huge fans of both of yours. Helen, you've been on the show in the past. We'll actually link to your former show here in the show notes.

But you guys conduct a study every year. And I'm always very excited to read the data. But this year's data was beyond what I've seen other years. Like it was like jaw dropping some of this. So let's get into what we found this year with the data and singles in America. Yeah, it's really exciting. You know, we really wanted to find out what the pandemic did to people.

I simply cannot lock up people for two years and expect them to come out the same. And in fact, it was astonishing. They are doing what I call smart dating, really conscious dating. First of all, this is a national study. We do not poll the match members. It's a national demographic representative sample of singles based on the US Census. So it's real science. It might be the biggest one in the world.

We now have data on 60,000 Americans and we do 5,000 every year. But anyway, this year in terms of this smart dating, I think the one question that was most meaningful for me was a question we asked in 2019 and then again in 2022, which was, would you like to meet somebody who wants to marry? And in 2019, 58% said yes. And today, 74% said yes, they are determined now, they're looking for life's greatest prize and they're going to do it smartly. And what's really great for both Justin and me is some of the ways they're doing it smartly. For example, one of them is a huge one for us. When we asked the question, have you ever fallen madly in love with somebody who you did not

initially find attractive? 49% this year said yes. That's more than any other year that we've asked people are taking their time. And there are also some like 53% are willing to go out with somebody who lives more than three hours away. 24% of men are willing to go out with the women who's more than 10 years older. 24% of women will go out with somebody who's 10 or more years younger. So they're really determined now. They are determined. And it's a beautiful thing. I think we actually may be going towards a few decades of relative family stability and it's a beautiful thing. I think we actually may be going towards

a few decades of relative family stability because it's particularly the young who are so determined to find the right person and take the time to do it. I love this. So we're giving people more chances. It sounds like and we're less judgmental. We're less stuck at setting our ways. We're more open to things you might not have been like. For example, if I'm not attracted to someone the first date, maybe I'll have a second date this time in the past, maybe we didn't. And the problem is that, you know, these people go binging on these internet sites, they don't understand how to use them. There's nothing wrong with these, they're not even dating sites for God's sake, they're

introducing sites. I mean, once you meet somebody, you smile the way you always did, you laugh the way you was dead, you'll assess them the way you always did. But the problem is that people binge and we do know from the side, basic science that humankind can cope with about five to nine choices. And after that, the brain gets delusious. It's called cognitive overload or the paradox of choice and they pick nobody. So the problem with these dating sites is not the dating sites, it's that we don't know how to use them.

And so one of the things that I always say to people is after you've met nine people, and I mean met either through video chatting or in person, I mean, we are a creature that makes sums up a lot of stuff by what we've looked at somebody, get off the dating site and get to know at least one of these people better. And that's what they're doing now. They're spending their time to get to know that. In fact, one more thing, 36% of them say they're willing to wait on sex. They don't want to jump into bed right away. They want to get to know somebody first and that's the way to find love.

That's amazing. That's a huge change in recent years. I think people were like, let's have sex and see how we feel. People are really taking it more seriously. Yeah, and I think when you say that, Emily, I started my career. I wrote so much about hook up culture and casual sex. I don't think it hasn't gone away, but when we look at the data that people are still

having casual sex, they probably always will. But we're seeing something where people are still having casual sex, they probably always will, but there is We're seeing something where people are taking dating more seriously. They're taking close relationships and how to How to establish them? How to foster them? How to make sure they mature in a way that align with our goals? I mean even that question of have you fallen in love with someone that you weren't initially attracted to? We've asked that in the past. And we asked it a decade ago. We asked it in 2012. And 38% of people said that was case.

So that's gone up. That's a pretty big increase, 11%. That more people are giving love a chance that they're recognizing that there are things I can like about you. There are things that we can build a relationship. There are things I'm attracted to, even if I don't have the whole picture. And then if you're on a date and an app, which is the most common way that Americans meet today, Americans meet potential dating partners through apps and websites more than friends, than church, than school, by far. In comparison,

the last year we looked six percent of people met their last date in a bar, over 40 percent met through a dating app or website. Wow. And that's really important. And the reason it's important, there was an article out of the University of Chicago that said that those people who met on the internet as opposed to off the internet were less likely to divorce. And I thought to myself, now why would that be? I mean, what does it make if you meet in an airport, if you meet in a, what do it, does it make? So we did our own study with match. We compared people, other psychological traits

for people who met on the internet, as opposed to off the internet. And those who met on the internet were more likely to be fully employed, more likely to have higher education, and more likely to be interested in a committed partnership. So just as Justin said, we are seeing more and more people going on the internet to find love. And in fact, that does suggest that they're going to make more solid partnerships. And I think the part of that, one additional part of that, I love that point, Helen,

is that when we hear people say 49 percent fell in someone they weren't initially attracted to, what that also says is that they gave themselves an opportunity to get attracted. So they went on second dates and third dates. And that's one of the challenges with the apps and websites. Is you really have to kind of dig in, to see, you have to have both feet in.

We know that from a lot of behavioral sciences, all three of us would know that literature. Well, you're not focused on the romantic relationship or the sexual partner in front of you. It's hard to really build something. It's hard to really enjoy yourself to see all the dimensions of them, of the relationship you're building.

So that's important. And actually, one of my favorite studies done by colleagues of ours is when we think about how, as Helen said, is cognitive overload. There's too many choices. People were given an experimental design. They got to look at either a six-fake dating site profiles or I think it was 24 in the other group. And when they followed up with the participants, those that looked at the smaller number and only saw six were a lot happier. They were more satisfied with their decisions than those that had more options because when you have more options you're constantly thinking that grass is greener that there were other thing you know that that person was really funny that person was so smart that

one was so attractive that one had the best shoes and so you're constantly thinking of are there other options I missed whereas if it's a smaller number you can kind can focus in on say and really kind of pay attention to those people. And as Helen points out, often for millions of years, we probably had less choices to choose from. So it aligns with that brain work. And it's so nice about this video, didn't you? I mean, there's whole new stage in the dating process before you go out on the first date. You have a video chat with somebody. And we've found that that has increased continually this year, 2022. 25% said that they had gone on a video date before the first date.

And 37% said that they were open to it. And what they find is that this is a vetting process. I mean, now, you know, it's a good way to avoid bad dates. It's a great way to feel more comfortable on the first date. It's getting great way to get rid of what you don't want. So you don't have to get all dressed up, go out, spend your money and try to wiggle out of it. And what's interesting to both of us here is that when we asked, well, if you ever go on a video chat and suddenly felt so many chemistry,

some romantic chemistry with somebody and 78% this year said yes. Now, I'm not surprised you learned a lot about somebody from that video chat. I mean, you know, during a video chat, you have more meaningful conversations. We know that. We've studied it. We know there are singles in America study. We have more, they have more self-disclosure, more honesty, more transparency. They're less interested these days, apparently, in looks and more interested in financial and emotional stability. So we're going the right direction here and that's great.

This is so hopeful. I think that anybody who's complaining, they can't find someone and I don't understand how to date. Everyone's looking for a hook up. That's an old story. I think what singles in America is showing this year is that we should put those old tropes to rest because all the data and all the way that we see that people are dating smarter and they can be more efficient with video dating rather than swipe 100 people, pick six, nine people, go on a date like I think,

sounds like it's gonna be a lot easier right now. People more aligned. I'm hoping. Don't be in. But you know, as Justin says, we've got this tremendous drive that is there's something better. And can I spend my life with something better?

And you know, I mean, I studied the brain circuitry of romantical, this is a drive. It's a basic drive that comes out of the most primitive parts of the brain. In fact, the little factory that pumps out the dopamine, that gives you that focus and motivation lies right next to the brain factory that orchestrates thirst and hunger. I mean, thirst and hunger keep you alive today. Romantic love drives you to find somebody to send your DNA into tomorrow. So I'm not surprised that people will say,

he looks at side like dogs, you know, I said, we're going to work. Got to give people a chance, and that's what they're doing today. I love what you're saying about it is hopeful. I am really hopeful about the future and we are going with our dating lives. I think it's easy to get distracted or to feel overwhelmed with dating. We often hear these stories lately that people are saying, oh, is the internet and technology made it so much harder today? I think how am I often done? I say to each other,

harder than what? For millions of years, courtship has been difficult. It has been intense. It has involved all of our resources. It has involved people's lives on the line. Courtship is a very big deal. It's one of the biggest, some of the biggest decisions we make in our lives.

And it's the great unifier. It's something that people all around the world have done for millions of years of every background, of every gender, of every ethnicity. courtship is a complex affair. So this idea that it's suddenly harder, I think it's that, but in fact, we have more opportunities than ever before. It's just a new struggle and the new struggle of today is is weeding through those opportunities. It's so interesting because I'm married to a journalist. And one of the things they always says is, if it bleeds, it leads.

So in other words, everybody starts out with the worst nose because everybody's somehow likes to hear the worst news. And I often wondered, does anybody want to hear all this good news? And I love the fact that you do, Emily. And what's so nice about, you know, I mean, Justin and I wrote an article that I call

Slow Love. And as it turns out, this pattern of slow love is getting slower. I mean, 50 years ago, people married in their early 20s. Now they're married in their late 20s or early 30s. And there's a long period of what I call pre-commitment stage, where you can learn who you are, try people out, get rid of what you don't want before you marry them and then you're stuck.

And the data now shows that if you go out with somebody, marry somebody after the first year, between the first and second year, you're 20% less likely to divorce. And if you go out with somebody and marry them after three years, you're 39% less likely to divorce. And that's exactly what we're seeing. Slow love. Let's talk about sex for a minute.

Sex and mental health. People may dating very, very hard or really stressed or single. They can't find someone. This is all really hopeful. We also know it's hard to kind of talk to you about some things that are difficult like sex and mental health. And to me, those are always the most important things. So I love to see the data backing it up.

So can we talk a little bit of how people are prioritizing these two areas of their life, where we might not have, we might have just talked about the weather, right, on the first few dates. Gosh, yeah. And I think, and I love that you said that. I'm like, because I mean, I think when I was in college and stuff, you'd go on dates, and we would just say,

don't talk about politics, don't talk about religion. And now people do, they're being upfront about it. They're putting it in their profiles, because we use it as a measure of your beliefs about other things, but other people don't really necessarily care about your economic philosophies and what political orientation and what that means. But when we think about bigger social issues of whether you're, you know, Republican, Democrat, Libertary, and no party, that what that says maybe about you in some ways. And that's not good or bad.

It's just trying to figure out whether you align with someone, but the mental health stuff, you're right, that people are talking about mental health openly about whether they go to therapy, what they're doing. 81% of singles in our sample report that they engage in self-care at least monthly. So doing something, whether that's meditating, a therapist, whatever that could be, there's all sorts of things people are saying that they do for their psychological well-being.

But it wasn't just that so many, that 81% say they do something monthly, 87%. I mean, there's a lot, almost 9 out of 10, said that it's very important for their partner to prioritize their mental health. So it's not just we're seeing all these Americans saying, I do it. They're saying, I expect you to do it, especially if we're going to have any kind of close relationship moving forward. People are investing in it. About two-thirds of our sample said that they want to better their mental health in the year ahead.

So it's not to say that many people are struggling, but to say the two thirds. It's millions and millions of single Americans who are saying, I take mental health seriously, I want to prioritize it, I want to better it. I'm already doing some things. There's maybe more I can do. And I darn well expect you to be doing it too if we're going to have a relationship. That's such a kind of a leveling up. I've never seen anything like that. I was so happy to see that. Yeah.

What it's the young 71% more than two-thirds of Gen Z and 75% of millennials say they want to better their mental health. So it is the young and the younger the ones that are going to bring in tomorrow. These are the ones that are setting the attitudes that the society will live with for years to come. And I see that. You know, it's funny to say that I see it in my students at Indiana University. They just take mental health more seriously. It's a sea change. And you know, it's one of the funny things about being in for all of us when you sort of interact with groups or students or over years, you can start to see these these patterns. It's a whole generation that's taking, we see in our data all Americans across all ages are,

but there's a generational shift in particular that youth are, they just get it, they just know this is important. We know it's important, I know the, even the finding we had that a lot of singles said that they believe that mental health is good for their sex life and I love that, that 70% said that they find sex to be good for their mental and physical health. And I love that. That 70% said that they find sex to be good for their mental and physical health. And I laugh because the three of us would tell them, you're finally realizing that. Exactly.

We're like, welcome. That's why we're doing it. That's why I feel like it's all lining and we can all learn from this. And like finally, you want to know about the names and someone's therapist when you're out in your first date, not like their brother's name or something. You're like, are you in therapy?

What kind of therapy are you doing? I think that that's that's really important. And also sex. I know there was some stuff in the Seagulls in America server that showed that people are more open to experimenting sexually, which I think is kind of probably new from recent years. If they're actually saying that, let's try something new.

Well, what's really interesting though, even more? I mean, about 30 to 25% are interested in, you know, sexual fantasies and acting them out role-playing, telling them what they like, even rough sex, but even more profound for me anyway, was that how many of them really like the missionary position. 57% of singles say that they really enjoy the missionary position, and that's more men than women. 59% of men and 55% of women. And not only do they like it themselves, but they want to do the same sex over and over again. 51% of singles say they want to do the same thing over and over, but it's 54% of men and 48%

of women. So, it's men are not always wanting women to swing in from chandeliers and running in and out, wearing dressy clothes, this and that. And I can understand why as an anthropologist, because I mean, you know, all other animals copulate from the rear. And sometimes in our human evolution, I think about four million years ago when we began to form partnerships and form relationships to raise our babies together. And we switched into this frontal position for sex. And that way, you know, you can see somebody, you can smell them, like you taste them, you can hear them, you can feel them, and you can watch their expressions. It really creates

intimacy. And sure enough, four million years later, we still like it. It's that brain is built. What's exciting, I think also about that, is it's not to say that people aren't open to different kind of sexual experiences. We haven't lost our edges of species, but even though people are saying they know what works for them, and maybe what works for their partner. And as Helen said, we get so much sensory information

from face to face sex. You know, 31% said that they were wanted to act out a sexual fantasy. When we know people are talking about their fantasies, try them, 24% said that they like rough sex on occasion. And 27% more than a quarter said that they like roleplaying occasionally during sex. So it's not to say people aren't open to all these other things.

But in some ways, they're saying there's this anchor, but so many about half, right? They're saying there's this sort of anchor thing that works for them, this sort of missionary anchor of a type of sex that works for them in their relationships. Doesn't mean they're not interested in other things. They're actually what we're seeing is that people are holding both of these goals at once.

I love it. Missionary is like the comfy sweater of sex, but then every once in a while, you want to throw on like a tutu or something, I suppose. And that's what it's all about. Yeah, a once in a while, you know, you want to throw on like a tutu or something, I suppose. And that's good too. Yeah. A lot of my news. I mean, sex is good for you, you know, triggers testosterone, which releases more

drivers sex, you know, any stimulation of the genitals drives up dopamine, gives you triggers feelings of romance, but also optimism, focus, motivation, and energy. And with orgasm, there's a real flood of oxytocin. So, you know, feelings of deep attachment. So, actually, that's one of the reasons that I don't actually think that casual sex is very casual. Unless you're so drunk, you can't remember it. All kinds of things are happening in the brain.

It's also good for your skin. It boosts the immune system. It's good for heart rate, blood pressure, elevates mood, and get this. If you are enjoying your sex life and having sex more than three times a week, you're going to look 10 years younger. Now this isn't our data. You're going to look 10 years younger and you may live seven to eight years longer. So you can get the right person and have sex and you're going to live. This is good. This is very, very hopeful. I mean, we're gonna slow it down.

We're gonna find the right partners. We're gonna have sex. After the break, I'll be talking more with Dr. Fisher and Dr. Garcia about their findings on the habits of American singles. Don't go anywhere. Just a new word a lot about the hook up culture too. I know Helen you've studied it but it really isn't that great for us, right? I mean, I feel like maybe I feel like a lot of people were just getting kind of drunk

and having these hook ups sex. But now I think we were just seeing a much more mindful, thoughtful, you know, people emerge, young people emerging right now thinking like I want substance and depth in my relationships. You nailed it. And I think the thing with hookups is that the part that I always thought was positive about it was it represented freedom of our sexualities. It represented people have the freedom to sort of have sex when they wanted, with whom they wanted, not necessarily in particular, committed relationships.

But when we look at all the data of sort of what the outcomes of these are, you tend to have lower rates of pleasure, lower rates of orgasm, higher rates of sexual violence. We know that people have complicated feelings afterwards. Sometimes they start relationships. Helen and I published a paper many years ago now that about one and three people at some point have had to hook up turn into a romantic relationship. But when we kind of look at all the data on casual sex, it's not that it's necessarily good or bad. It's just there's a whole heck of a lot of strings that come with it. And a lot of them can be challenging for people who are trying to form relationships. And again, I'm not a sort of moralist around casual sex. Plenty of people do it and they have a great time. But what we're seeing now is exactly that people are focusing in a little

bit more on leveraging sex to form meaningful connections to establish relationships. And I think especially after the pandemic, we realize that it's the whole point we have these relationships. But whether uncertainty does sort of get through the storm, you want partners, you can trust, you want partners that you can enjoy your sex life with them, that commitment. There's a reason that we have engaged in that commitment for millions of years. And even, I think it's so neat, something you both said earlier

was that we're starting to see people are delaying sex in their dating. So about a third of singles reported that they're now willing to wait later and to dating to have sex with a new partner. And really interestingly, men at a higher eighth than women, 40% of men and 33% of women say they're now willing to wait longer in dating. So that whether they're using the three-date rule or whatever one's own rule is the idea of sort of a hook up and then relationship

is that trend is sort of going away. Yeah, when Justin was listing all the problems with this and you get disease, you can get disappointment, you can have violence, you can all those kinds of problems. And we began to wonder, why are they doing it? And of course, you are trying to win life's greatest prize. But one thing that was really interesting in our singles in America's study,

wasn't this year or a few years ago, we asked, why are you having these hookups? Men were three times more likely to say that they wanted to get into bed with somebody immediately in order to start a relationship with them, men, more than women, three times more likely. So, I mean, as Justin said, we're all going to be having, we're going to be having hookups forever, but they're fewer, they're waiting longer, they're dating smarter, and in the long run, I think that's gonna lead to more solid partnerships. That's so interesting.

So the reason why the hookups were happening, they're like, oh no, no, this is just a means to an end, but now we're finding that the means the end is, I want someone who has gone to therapy and I'm having conversations with someone. Like, I understand what they're into sexually, maybe even politically. you know, like you're saying like we often didn't talk about sex or mental

health and now we are, but also politics. We're wanting to know like, where do you stand on abortion? And like, well, you wear a condom during sex, like these are all important conversations we're having as well that we found. This is great. We're not just jumping into bed. Particularly when it comes to sex, there are people who were seeing are more comfortable. They're talking about sex, the role of it,

and how that plays out in things. And how this all fits together, your political thoughts. When we think of it, your political orientation might relate to, for instance, what you feel about Roe v. Wade, which might impact the consequences of sex and a new relationship. So these pieces of the puzzle fit together, even in a kind of messy way in a lot of our heads, we recognize that there's pieces of this that go together. And I want to really dive into the Roe v. Wade one and Helen maybe you can do that. And I want to just add one more thing on that, though, is that we ask people if they felt

sexually empowered. And this was highest among the young, but about 39% of singles say they feel more sexually empowered this year than in the past. And among the young about half of people. So I think also the kind of education, I think your podcast, Emily, I think things, these interventions that are getting people in America and around the world to really say, we can talk about our sex lives. We can think about sexuality. We can think about our relationships and and pleasure and satisfaction and how all these pieces go together. It's starting to pay off at a grand scale.

We're seeing it in the data and the national data that people are feeling positive about their sex and the role of sex. I mean, even 38% of singles say they're more interested in exploring their body and sexuality compared to before the pandemic. 4 out of 10. This is great. I mean, that's a shame it took the pandemic to get us here, but this is so great. There's only one real problem that, and that is with Roe v. Wade. I mean,

we really want to know about that. And apparently, two out of three women will not date somebody with opposing views. 17% have lost a friend with a different, who had a different opinion. And when you think about that, if these people, I mean, we, at match, they computed the amount of money that that singles do spend on dating. And if they're not dating, apparently singles who are actively dating spend $117.4 billion a year on dating. Now, if 9.8 million people are now hesitant to date, this is going to not have only an impact on sex lives and our social lives, but the economy of the nation.

I mean, the complexity of that particular decision on singles, and of course, all the rest of us is astronomical. People want a casual for a state. So maybe they're not spending a lot of money on that as well, right? They're just kind of going for a walk or a walk. If that they're smart, it's more of a smart dating. I mean, 30% want to go out to a free activity.

29% want to stay close to home so that they don't spend a lot of money on gas. 25% want just a coffee or a drink. 24% want to go to a less expensive restaurant and that's going to have an impact. I mean, that's the has to do more with the inflation, I think, than the Roe v. Wade. When you think about it, adult singles are almost a third of the American population. And if they change their dating habits, now both Justin and I are very, as you've noticed, optimistic people. And we do think that one way or another, they're going to go out on dates, but I think they're going to be cheaper.

And I think they're going to be much more suspect about having sex with a person. And it's going to take more time, more of this slow love, they're going to do slowly, try and find the right person. Okay, so right now we're also fighting the data that they're prioritizing their own sexual health and wellness over even pursuing sexual relationships. And they're having conversations earlier in the dating process like where do you stand on abortion and Roby Wade and politics. So these are really important issues.

We talk about some of the data around Roby Wade and politics and what we're finding? So, what we framed it this year was thinking about hot button issues. And we asked people to sort of tell us about how they're dealing with these and their dating lives. When they're talking about them, how they're talking about them, we have some of the first and only a still of the data on how Roby Wade is impacting people's sex lives and their dating lives. That's the whole goal of the singles in America project we do with Match. It's really to do this big annual study every year, but that we can respond to cultural moments, whether it's new election cycles or things that are happening in the news or how that's shaping people's romantic and sexual

lives over the long haul, but also each year that there are these sort of ups and downs. over the long haul, but also each year that there are these sort of ups and downs. For years, we were seeing a pattern of reversing homophily. And homophily is what social scientists refer to as the tendency for us to be attracted to people of similar backgrounds. And we know people tend to partner with those that have the same race, religion, socioeconomic background, life experiences. And that's going away. More people, I mean, we see it around us.

We also see it in the data. There's more of interracial relationships, intercultural types of romantic and sexual relationships. And politics, as in many ways, become the great new divide. Particularly, we saw it in 2016, and that presidential election, people were so divided on politics, on who they would have sex with, and who they would date. That came down again, but we're starting to see how

politics is shaping people's intimate lives. And in fact, it's not that people want someone who thinks just like them. Oh, actually only one in four people want a partner who thinks exactly as they do politically, but they want someone who's open-minded. So 40% of singles said that they want someone who can discuss multiple sides of political issues today, the political issues that are shaping the world around us. And 58% nearly six and 10 say it's a deal breaker. It's a total deal breaker for potential partner is an open-minded on some key issues, really. So people expect that those, you know, the partners have different political views in some

ways. But what we're really saying is that people want someone to be able to talk about and think about the political world around us. Of course, one of the biggest ones is Roe v. Wade, but Helen, I don't know if I put that one to go. Well, I think once again, as Justin was saying, you know, there are more flexible attitudes about politics is once again part of this smart dating, you know, conscious dating that they want to see both sides, etc, but not when it comes to

Roe v Wade. I'm not actually surprised for millions of years, women are built to decide when they want to have a baby, decide for themselves when they want to raise a family that is never going to change. And going to change in this next election cycle is going to change a million years from now. So I won't be at all surprised if in this next political cycle that singles remain very open and flexible about their politics that they're not going to change their mind about Robi Wade. I think that's an important point. It's important. I think he will be prepared to have these conversations. Definitely. It's amazing that it's true that the Seagal's America, you really do.

It really is a cultural touch point every year too. Going back, I'd left to have you guys back on to see in dating general what's changed in the 12 years because I just think it's a lot. It's essentially from the hug of culture, to politics, to people wanting relationships more, to people giving people more of a chance, not just focusing on looks, which I think is probably the first time we've seen that number, right?

Decrease. Yeah, just important. Yeah. Sometimes, Justin and I, you know, we meet with our friends at the match, we create about 200 questions. They send them out. It's all very good data collection center. And then see the results and we see these things that we just

Wow, what happened and one of my favorites is it's a question that I like because I'm older. The question is, you know, would you make a long term commitment to somebody who had everything you were looking for, but you were not in love with them, and you did not find them sexually attractive. And the least likely to compromise are older people. It's the young that will compromise the Gen Z and the millennials. We scratched our head over this, and I think the reason is because for millions of years, it's the young that need to find a partner to have babies and send their DNA into tomorrow. So they're like more likely to be flexible about and compromise about some things in order to fulfill these basic human drive. So over and over, we find these things. Now, for example, Justin and I both agree with something. I don't know if you'll agree with this Emily. I think

there was think that good relationships take work. Yeah, they do take work. I agree they do. We both disagree with that. Oh, okay. Well, we did that hard work. It's more of a slow than that relationship is a hard work. That's it. I mean, but relationships are hard work.

They shouldn't be hard work, but they're going to be work. But when I say work, I hear it's communication. You find someone to communicate, it's not hard. You know, if it's too hard, why are you doing it? I mean, I can understand how, you know, people who have got small children and they, you know, they've got to stick with it.

But that's why this courtship process is so, I need somebody with whom you don't have to do all this work. I mean, we're used to compromising. We compromise with our friends. We compromise with our family. We compromise at work. We compromise in many ways. And I certainly think that it does take some compromise,

but work, both Chuss and I didn't agree that it worked. Everybody at match did, but they've got small children. Now I can see that. When you have children to hold or it just work, whether you're a single parent, it's work. When I think what we're fighting here and what I love about this flip and why I'm so happy that you guys are on the Chautaudinville,

that's this mental health component, because I believe that when you, there's somebody who's in prioritizes mental health and then you, of course, when you're really in that work, you're doing therapy, doing that process, you're going to have to find a partner who's also into mental health and has a growth mindset. And then I think you both, as a lifestyle choice, you communicate openly. You talk about things and that's not so hard. It's just about being human, like what you're doing, you're loving your friendships and it work.

Hopefully you're a good communicator. So it's really about communicating and mental health. If you do the work, it makes it a lot easier, I suppose, to be human. That's what I'm saying. Every single year we ask, you know, what are you really looking for? And we have about 30 boxes you can check. It's a nightmare for you know, this is out statistically, but the bottom line is the top five things. Emily is one of them is exactly what you say.

They want a partner who is emotionally mature and somebody who's comfortable communicating their wants and needs. The very first thing that they want is somebody they can trust and confide in. But among the other top five is somebody who's comfortable communicating their wants and needs somebody as emotionally mature. Somebody who is comfortable with their own sexuality and last but not least in the top five if somebody makes me laugh. So hopeful.

What a good time to be single, okay? Let's get into a question real quick from a listener that I thought kind of related to some of this data. This is from Jeff, 25 in Missouri. Hey Dr. Wimney, I'm New Year's show. Appreciate all the advice. Here's my problem. 25 years old, I've never been in a relationship

or even asked a girl on a date. I keep telling myself I'm going to, but then I psych myself out. I think I'm gonna run out of things to talk about and feel like she'll think I'm a loser for never having been in a relationship before. I know I need to start somewhere, but I'm struggling. What advice do you have for me and what are some good tips for a first date? As soon as I think the best thing I can advise people

is just go up to someone and introduce yourself. I would say in a couple of sentences, be happy. It's catnip to other people when you are happy. And as you say, get out there for God's sake. You can't find anybody who said it on the wash television. Get out there. But when you get out on that first date, be happy. I'm going to say happy. And as you say, get out there for God's sake. You can't find anybody who said it on the March television.

Get out there. But when you get out on that first date, be a happy person. Be a self-confident, happy person. And they'll like you. And I think it's helpful for all of us to remember, you know, there's over 100 million single adult in the United States today.

There are so many people who are on, not all of them are on the dating market, but most of them are. There's also people in relationships with open relationships, but there's millions and millions of people who are on the dating market right now. And you can't win if you're not in the game. So you really have to find ways to get out there. You know, in many ways, it's the thing that when people use these apps and they say, well, I want love and I'm going to download all these dating them. That's not going to happen. You're destined for failure. The apps can help you find people with, you know, similar interests that you're attracted to. They can connect you. But then you got to go on

dates. You have to see if you have connection. You have to see if even going back to our data that's so many people weren't initially attracted to someone they eventually fell in love with 49 percent. That takes dating. That takes the courtship process, getting to know them, get to know who they are, what their values are, how they kiss, you know, whatever it is, that takes time. So finding ways to do it. The other part of his question was thinking about dates, and particularly if you have anxiety about dating, one thing that we know you can do as sort of a biohack of the brain is do dates with things that are new and exciting. So the problem with dinner in a movie is it's kind of boring, especially if you're struggling with that first conversation.

You know, the three of us were friends, we can go to dinner for three hours and talk and talk and talk. But someone on a first date, that can be hard as you're building that relationship, but do an activity. And then you stimulate the brain, you stimulate adrenaline, you stimulate dopamine, try something new with someone. Great idea, Justin. That could be one sentence, be happy and do something different. Exactly, that's it, don't. Really, Emily, get out there, so Emily, be happy,

so it's done and Justin says, do something to, I think that's a very pretty little. That's really easy, it's true. And that it's a muscle and that it takes time to build. So like, you've got to practice it. So just go out there and meet people and do it. Rachel and Chicago. I'm calling because I struggle with, for lack of a better

word, closing. I am pretty good at, you know, flirting and going on dates. But then when it comes to, when I know it's like time to get physical, I get super weird, and I don't know how to do it. And so, if someone walks me to my car, I'm just like, so, I just, how do people do it? Or if someone comes over to watch a movie, and it's pretty obvious like why we're together

I'm always like I can't make a move like I don't know how to transition to like and now we get Yeah, if you could help. Thank you. We asked this question Oh something like between 80 and 90% of men are perfectly happy With having a woman as for his phone number, even ask him out and even move in for the first kiss, but women don't do it. I think it's for millions of years it wasn't women's role. It wasn't that part of the courtship process and so maybe she should realize that it's very comfortable for men if she makes a move. Her discomfort is with herself. And, but if she makes the move,

it will be perfectly fine for the men. One of the things in our data we talked about briefly was, we ask people about what are the traits they most desire in a potential partner. And the top two is 94% of singles said they want a partner they can trust and confide in. And then one of the second ones was 92% of singles said that they want someone who's comfortable communicating their needs and wants.

So when I think about this question of like how do you say, you know, in the talents especially for a young woman or a woman of any age because of how this is embedded in gender roles, you can say, I know it's going to be awkward, it might feel like you can turn around and say you want to kiss. And in fact, it's honest, it's genuine, you're communicating. If you're so anxious about just doing it or waiting for the other person to do it, just talk about it. Thank you, Dr. Dustin Garcia, Dr. Helen Fisher for being here.

This was incredible. What you did this year, I can't wait to see next year's SIGLE in America study or just every year I get so excited about it. But now I just kind of see how the sauce is made and then I have it here interpreted for us. I think that you're gonna be inspiring someone who will get out there and date again because I think that we all have a lot of challenges

or the other social anxiety or doubting ourselves. And this just shows that people are ready for it, right? The ready to date, ready to be conscious, they're ready to go slow, slow, ready to find mature partners. Yeah. For the work you both do. The future of our romantic and sexual lives is bright. And thank you so much, Emily.

Thanks for having us on and the opportunity to share some of our findings with your viewers and listeners. Thank you again to Dr. Helen Fisher and Dr. Justin Garcia for joining me on today's show. They're both doing incredible work in the human sexuality space and it. Justin Garcia for joining me on today's show. They're both doing incredible work in the human sexuality space and it's an honor to have them on the show. For more on Helen, just head to her website Helen Fisher dot com and find more Justin on Instagram at Dr. Justin Garcia.

And this research wouldn't be possible without match. They really are the OG dating site and And they have such a commitment to the well-being of their users, which is evident in their support of this study. If you want to actually read the results of this fascinating study, just head to singlesinamericod.com. More on the Magic Wand, it is a cultural icon and it's been given pleasure for over 50 years. The Magic Wand brand represents power, individuality, and pleasure and a whole lot of orgasms. It's been many people's first vibrator and probably one they've had around for a long time because it's a great to use for yourself.

It's great to use it a partner with a partner and I'm a huge fan of their mini, their magic wand mini that came out this year because to, it has all the great power and vibes, the same vibes as the larger models, but I really like the Mini, and it's actually if I'm bringing one toy with me, it's the one that I bring. But if you don't know much about the Magic Wand or you wanna hear some cool ways to use it,

you gotta check out seven new ways to use a Magic Wand at sexwithamily.com slash magic wand. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-8255739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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