Sex With Emily - Dating Trends You Need to Know

Episode Date: August 1, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about new dating terms you may (or may not) have heard of & what they mean. Plus, she answers your calls and emails.  She gives advice on what to do when your partner decides to “officially” break up after taking a break, how to keep rim jobs sanitary – and pleasurable (of course), and ways to get your partner to actually stick to the sex schedule.    Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Magic Wand, Same Day STD Testing, SiriusXM, Promescent  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about the ever-growing list of dating terms, what they mean and what to do bottom. And I'm taking your calls. Topics include, so you took a break and now your partner wants to break up. Now what? You're sober and dating. When do you bring up your past? So you love room jobs, but how do you keep things as clean as possible? And you took my advice, you started scheduling sex, but your partner never keeps to the schedule. What the heck? All this and more, thanks for listening. I'm gonna buy you a little. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand.

Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Ah, my God.

I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com. You're going to love our site. If you haven't been there, lots of great information for you. And also, we love when you comment and subscribe.

And you can also find me on serious sex and radio. Stars channel 109, Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific. You can even call them with your questions, even if you don't have serious. Triple 894-78277 or if you want a free Thursday trial, go to sexwithamily.com slash SXM. And if you want to follow us on all social media, it is at Sex With Emily Across the Board and I totally think you should because we're a good time. Alright guys, I hope you enjoyed the show. I love this.

There's new terms for dating behavior. That's driving us all crazy. But these just made me laugh so hard because dating is so confusing right now. We don't know what it means. Someone ghosts. You guys have heard of ghosting, right? You make plans, maybe you go out with them once

and then they ghost you. And then they disappear or they put you on the bench. If you bench you're in their rotation. So these are some great new terms that I have not yet heard and I thought there were hilarious. Okay. Career-zoned. When someone rejects you romantically but wants to connect professionally, it says the

hazard of living in the DC where some daters would rather be linked in than hooking up. Oh my God, that's hilarious. I have a funny story about that. Okay. No, just because I think it's like my friend, she went out, she met someone, she hooked up with them, but she was kind of drunk and she accidentally put, she didn't mean to give them the wrong phone number, but she accidentally texted the wrong phone number. So she found him though, somehow, on LinkedIn.

And message him like, hey, like, because she's also like, I kicked him out after we slept together, cause I can't sleep with other people in my bed. So I'm like, you realize you gave him the wrong number and you kicked him out after you hooked up so he probably thinks you hate him. Right.

And then she's like, no, so I went, but she's like, I found him on LinkedIn and I tried to message him. I'm like, that's not gonna help you. No, you were kicked it. No, he's gonna be like great. She wants a job now Oh my god, let it go. She's got to let it go. Okay Textual chemistry on text your connection is off the charts hot in person barely registers Example my bumble-match and I were messaging till 3 a.m Sparring about the

Oxford comma, but once he met up, the vibe was so awkward, it was nothing more than text dual chemistry. I've so had that. Great texture. Can't you see in person, you're like, should we just pull out our phones and text through dinner? Because that's all the chemistry we had. I would wonder why that happens, because's not like, as well, for example, for you, you can talk to a wall. Yep. But that's just interesting how like you can't create that. You can't create the spark, the chemistry, the elusive banter, the, no, you can't create

it. Now, you got to also say that someone, you understand people could have nerves on a first date. But yes, sometimes it's just not there. Just not all the texting. And sometimes I could take a while to figure out because you're like, but because usually when you start dating someone, you're texting more of these days,

more than you're actually seeing them. And you could be confusing because you're like, but then we got off the date and this text about the date were so fun that you see him again. And you're like, in my head, can you ever bring that up to someone? Yeah, be like so.

I can't you bring that up to someone. I guess, but it's like, like what would you say to be like so like? Yeah, be like so. I can't you bring that up to someone. I guess, but it's like, like, what would you say to be like so like- I'd be like, you're really, say, you could say on your text, I feel like I really know you, but we're sitting here. Um, I feel like it's different. Like, I would like to hear whatever it is.

I feel like you're more open or doky or whatever. I would just say like, I really like texting with you. I'm not a great texture, but talking to you just seems like, yeah, you're different versus. I don't ever told you that. What is your texting? I think that might, that could put someone, I don't know, I think that's fine. I usually say things in a very like PC,

like don't attack them, but I don't know if I would feel attacked by that way. I think I'd be like, interesting. And then they might tell you something there, like, well, I've been nervous. Or sometimes I feel like I go off on conversations with people don't want to hear, and then that would be a vulnerable moment.

Me. Right. You go off on things that people don't want to hear? I just assume. No. Or some people also, they know that they are different. Like, they already know it. They're just like, oh, I know.

I'm like the worst. Well, that's a thing. I would be like, yeah, totally. Like, I know that already. I'm pretty sure. I'm gonna protect, yeah. Do you think I'm like the worst. Well, that's a thing. I would be like, yeah, totally. Like, I know that already. I'm pretty awful. I have my texts, yeah. Do you think I do not like texting? Yeah.

Do you think that would make you, like, better at apps are not really because you can. Better, if you're a texture. Yeah. Oh my god, my guy friends are women's fans who are amazing textures, get a million dates. Like, they just get it out. I'm like, I don't know time.

I don't look at it. I don't think about it. I forget they texted me. No. Don't like it. But you got to be into that. You got to be able to like want to text people that you might never see and then spend that time and then you could get that time back.

I'm all about time management. I mean, I'm bad at time management. So to me, I'm all about not wasting my time on that. I know that my time is precious and I'm not using some type of text on other people that I'll never see. Like even you, Jane, with this dude, you're going out with something. Maybe you're like, I'm just kidding.

You were she interpreted this thing by the men something? Oh, no, it was just because I mean, he's the opposite of street, which is fine. I'd rather have less texting because I don't really prefer that. It was more of just one of the words that he said. Right, likes, yeah. Lesson, I think.

It wasn't really about the amount of texting. I'm cool with that, because'm like just like text me. You want to know. It was the time that you spent interpreting what a text meant when it never means anything that we say or didn't mean. Oh yeah, exactly. That's all that's up to you. Okay, here's another one.

So mining, this is a verb. This is great. When someone tries to cram three months of emotional intimacy into your first three hours together, may seem exciting in the moment or scary, but it's usually followed by never seeing each other again. Think of it as an emotional one night stand or a before sunrise reenactment without the sequels. I love before sunrise.

Have you guys seen that? It's the best movie. Like Ethan Hawk or who was it? And like Julia, what's her face? It's a romance, too. I know Julia, uh, Dempsey, that's something. She was great. I love, I love when I know a reference. I know Julia is dempsey, that's something she was great. I love, I love when I know a reference.

I thought it was an example. I thought it was sweet that my Tinder date wanted to do the 36 questions of fall in love, but once she goes to it, I realize she was so mining me. I love how they're like, use it in a sentence. Yeah. I love these. This one made me go at first and I read this. It's just like, no, gross.

It's like, let's not do that. Oh, well, yeah, I would never get that. I can't even get emotional intimacy three months in at all. So I might just let it be. I just share a lot. What you like to do is to bring out things that you can compare to to make yourselves alike, which I think is really nice

and it makes it comforting to talk to you. But on the other side, it's like people who just word vomit at their entire lives towards you, you're just like, whoa, I just, I don't even know your last name yet. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I've had that too. Well, yeah, because then it's like, it's kind of funny to think about this is like,

there's these people that you people in that you meet, that you date, that no random shit about you that are just off in the world that you never see again. You know what I mean? Like random conversations that you have? Exactly, exactly. Or I think about that too. I'm surprised no one's ever calling in.

Like you think that could happen. Like someone's gone a date with 20 years ago. I don't know, but right. They know you head into a moment, maybe you share the meal, maybe you told them something. And they yeah, they just know these random things about you, but then they go off on their way. Right.

So I think it's tricky, those first dates, but to share what's not, I think you're gonna be authentically yourself though. Heart, bargain, here's another one, heart bargain. It's a verb or a noun. Okay, this is the law student or lawyer who tries to reason their way out into or out of an emotional decision such as a marriage proposal or a breakup.

Behavior also commonly found our nation's capital. Exactly. It's amazing. I said we should move in together, buddy. Heartbargain me down to a weekend in Chinatweak. Whatever that is. Some place. Some romantic in the way.

Okay, heartbargain, yeah. It's so true talking the way out of emotional emotions. Talking with you. It's like a deflection kind of, I'd probably be me. Yeah, because yeah, you're just getting in touch with feelings as a mind. I understand.

It's a process. A lot of us repress our feelings. We don't know how to talk about them. Okay, Aul, the person who texts only when you're asleep, asleep, not in a booty call kind of way, but because they spend their days in a booty call kind of way, but because they spend their days in a sensitive, compartmental information facility,

or they just want to seem inaccessible. Problem is, if you can't find time to text and you're both awake, how will you ever meet up? It's an owl. Example, hoo hoo, could be texting me at this hour. Oh right, it's my owl. It's my owl. Oh hoo hoo hoo's my owl. It's my owl. Oh, oh, oh.

It's my owl. Yeah. It makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes me, it makes I mess with people all hours a night. Like I used to make turn off their phone or like I'll do that. Right, I just assume like you're not gonna wake up to it, but you'll see it in the morning and you can respond. Yeah, I hope everyone turns off their phone at night. I love my friends with kids I can't text them one night because if you've a kid, you never can turn your phone off. Like you can tell their whole time.

Like you're like, oh, you can't, you really can't. I mean, I can't sleep knowing my phone's on. Like that somebody could call me and wake me first. I put my phone on, do not disturb because I use my phone knowing my phone's on. Like that somebody could call me and wake me from a sleeper. I put my not do, I put my not do not disturb because I use my phone as my alarm. Same, but, but you still could get a phone call, no. It won't ring. Right, if you.

Do not disturb, I just do not ring her. But what I'm saying is people, yeah, you can't do that. I guess you could just say my kids can call me and no one else, you can set anywhere. You guys know what to do. Okay, here's another one, this is amazing. Instabate. It, here's another one. This is amazing. Instabate. It's such a good word. I'm good. Like, you uploading Instagram stories to prod a FOMO prone crush to get in touch. So he's fear missing out.

May work on the short term, but effects are likely to disappear quickly. Example, I've heard from Anna and days. So I instabated her with picks from that hot new bar we talked about checking out. She DM me, we should totally go. We never went. Ah! Amazing. It's amazing. That's amazing.

Yeah. I've done that, guilty. Have you? Yeah. You're like, oh yeah, I'm like, I'm opposed to this because I know this person's gonna hit me up for it, and then they'll just recognize me, and I'll recognize them recognizing me and that's it

And then even if they don't reach out though, you just know you're like I know that you're watching me Yeah, so who's right now? Yeah, who's out home and who's out right? I'm Done that but not in that an Instagram, but just like told them I went somewhere. Yeah, yeah. I've done that. It's the same thing. I had the best night and you didn't do anything.

Pretty much. You literally did nothing. Like, I'm totally going to meet friends at night like you're already in bed. Yeah. God, I haven't done that in a while, but that is fun. This is all Harkens Back to Days. Okay, foe, your fobo?

Yeah. Foe. Okay, the guy who acts like a boyfriend as a ruse to just continue his string of hookups. Example, he introduced me to his friends and his parents, even brought me to a work dinner, and then said he wasn't ready for a relationship. What a Fobo. Okay, yeah, that's, how do you make the distinct,

because I mean, maybe some people are just really close with their family or their friends, but I would feel the same way. Like if I was into someone and he was showing me around and showing me off. Yeah, but how would you know? I mean, I'm already for relationship. I would be like, then why do I know all the people in your life? Exactly.

I wonder if they have the exclusive talk. Probably not. Probably not? Nope. It's probably just commitment as to people get so. I don't know. I think that people, I think this is a great service to everybody that if you've been listening, you should define it right away if that happens

to you and you've got this fobo and you're like, say this is weird, I mean your parents or if you don't think it's right yet to meet the parents, let them know. Do you think it's because they're trying to, maybe that's happening with your friend. Yeah, probably. What if like, do you think it's because they're trying to make it seem like they have this cool person? Yeah, I've got they're like, okay. Yeah, they want to bring you home to their mom's show that they're not a total loser. This goes for women and men. The head that could be I don't think that's the case for my friend, but that could totally be a reason. Look mom

What are you guys doing? I'm just going to hand say, have a job. Have a job? I don't know. This one. Okay, social squatter. That one is so great. This is my favorite one, because I've probably been to the other's road.

Someone who breaks up with you but wants to keep seeing your friends platonically. Understandable because your friends are awesome but this is totally unacceptable. Example, Aaron dump me, but then try to get my bestie to join his botchy team. What a social square? I replace botchy. Hey a lot of people

What if I sock the team? I don't know botchy. I don't even know what botchy is like botchy ball at the beach Oh Oh, that's fun actually As on judgemental for a second I've actually become friends with a lot of my boyfriends, friends, sexes. But they become friends with mine actually too. But I love a lot of the guys I date.

I've met some very good women through them. So my best girlfriends, I met through guys I date, and we're all still friends. But I, it's a good way to meet good women. Like if a guy, first of all, I love when a guy is good girlfriends. I think it says such a sign and women who have a good guy friends.

Like real good guy friends, just like you can tell. They can kind of hang with everyone. And there's not like jealousy and weirdness. Like if you like this person enough to date them, you're probably gonna like their friends. Right. I think that says something. If you don't like their friends, that also says something. Yeah, like their friends say a lot about

absolute person that you're gonna date. Yeah, especially but then when you're the friend and you really like someone's significant other and then they break up and you're like, fuck, I still wanna be friends like in a group. But then it's like how do you navigate that? Or you just don't, you just have to go with it. It's gonna let it go for a while I think

and then eventually, but with, yeah, sometimes there's just be some time that passes. These things can happen when you let time pass and you can get friends with them. This last one I just think is funny because it's called Ted. Okay, Ted. Ted, it's a noun.

That person who doesn't realize the type of grand gestures that look like devotion on screen. Like when Ted, Ben Siller's character, and there's something about Mary goes to extreme lengths to track down his high school crush years later are actually super creepy when performed in real life. In less severe cases, could also apply to something

the hopeless romantic Ted Mosby from the sitcom How I Might Your Mother Might Do. Example, I book up a Dan and he pulled a Ted. He showed up at the airport where he professed his love through a flash mob and everyone watching started chanting, take him back, take him back. I got on the plane alone and safe. Oh my God, like I can't even imagine.

I had a guy who did that once. He said he was in, I was visiting my best friends for the 30th birthday in Chicago. And I was dating this guy in San Francisco, so into me, my friend's still joking around the still this day. And he was like, hey, I was flying to New York to see my family. I was living in San Francisco at the time.

And he was like, I just happen to have a stop over in Chicago. Like he didn't want to be away from me for the weekend. And he's like, what are the freaking chances he did Chicago when it was kind of stalking? Oh my gosh, it's creepy. Creepy. All the things. But I like them, but I like that I did.

I like some of them. I think it's like I did. Yeah, my four best friends out here from college, they could just tell you, for Gellie, with the stories that I don't always remember. Sexual passes, actually. Yeah, it's all the weird doughnuts. They're like, oh my god, they all have this one guy the one I'm talking about and they roll their eyes. Oh

God that one It's true like oh my god. He was weird. I'm like I know I know he didn't know you know fake layover in Chicago leave me alone Oh, you just wanted to see you That's that's not a lot of XC in them dance to it. That's amazing I just did a lot of XC and I'm danced. Went to Vegas. That's amazing. It's fun. It's like, I'm going to lay over and just go,

I'm going to pop some weird. Let's go. DJ. Thank you. Oh god. God, never did it. Oh, DJ. OK, guys, we're going to take a break.

And we come back. We're going to get into your calls. We have Brittany, 30 in New York. She wants to know, should she contact her ex again or just get over him? Hey Brittany, thanks for calling. Hey, how are you? Good. So tell me about this ex.

I would be in with this. Okay, tell me everything. My first thing is no. Just when I hear about an ex, just so you know. But I need to hear what's going on. Sure. So him and I started meeting about two years ago. I actually knew his father. It was really, really hot and happy at the beginning. He's actually three years younger than me. Just turned 27 in January. We looked at engagement rings. We got a dog together. He had a house, started telling his

house into a home. He got me really close to his family over the course of the two years. And it was just a great overall, what I thought to be a really good relationship is friendship. I was over there four or five times a week, I was about to move in, I was about to move in this past April. And I just think that he ultimately started to get cold seat toward the end because at the beginning of our relationship it was

always him, oh, I love you, I care about you, I want fans, I want that, like, let's have children together, and I was kind of like, no, no, let's pump the brakes, let's wait a minute, but then as I started, you know, as women, it takes a little bit for us, I started to get emotional and involved, and after being together for two years, I started, you know, as women, it takes a little bit for us. I started to get emotional and involved. And after being together for two years, I started bringing up, yes, I'm ready for kids. Yes, let's do this. Yes, I'm ready to move in. And he almost started to take a back spin and go to all their roots.

So now I'm like, what the hell? So Tim and I basically took a two week break about two months ago. He was like, you know what, I love you. I care about you. I know the grass is on the other side. I really want to be with you, I just need some time. So we took a two week break, it was really hard for me, obviously we said the things that we didn't mean. I'm a very like seven person, so I was like, what the hell, what are you up to see with the other people? I mean, you know how girls are starting to get jealous,

so I just faced some kind of losing, it's a little bit of a sport, making a break. And ultimately, we came back, he ended up deciding that he wanted to break up, and here we are now. I'm like six, seven weeks into it, and I don't know what I should do. I've been farming all the time, and I can't get my self mentally focused,

and I've tried re-reaching, and I'll turn it off and on about our blog, and I still keep in touch with this page because I got those books and the parents are actually obsessed with that page. That's where we were encouraging us to get married. Right. What the hell do you feel? Well, okay, so, well, it sounds really painful that you guys just, that so you haven't talked to him in two months, you said?

Six. It's been, we've talked off and on, but it's been about simple, not simple things, but not really about our relationship. It's been about our dog just got new her. Okay. I was doing, it's not anything. Basically, I just seen him since April 1st. That's when we broke up.

And we haven't even had any like makeup sexer or anything like that. And I'm like, what, how do you go from that thing that you love and tell about me and pull the gloves and that's all me almost moving on that for itself, to breaking up and it basically was called cookie. Right. No, that's really, really hard. But what was it? You said some mean things, but what was the reason that it ended again in April?

It was more like, we're just not ready or was that a break? You said it was a break. First, you went to two week break and now you have a break up. Were you expecting that you were going to see him again in the last month? So that's where it also gets kind of tricky. So, who am I off the line with for the last few years? I think kind of going back to what we spoke about before, he really wanted kids, really wanted to move forward,

really started turning his house into a home with me. And as I started getting more included, he started getting less into it. So I would say around Christmas time and I started to bring up kids and whatnot, he started to really get freaked out. And I think ultimately he felt pressure both from his family and myself to sort of move forward. And I think him being a 27 year old when she started hitting the fan, I think he just kind of got cold feet and was like crap is this really what I want yeah so maybe I kind of want it yeah no I get that but wait did he did what was the reason for the break up the last time was it like let's just take

a will do something happen uh... well reason for the break was that he could kind of see if he which sounds kind of weird and I didn't understand it. He took us to see if he would not speak break. I think he would kind of see if he was in love with me and not just loving me or caring about me.

He wanted a two-week break according to him to see how things would be. But even on that break, I was putting pressure on him. I would text him every once in a while. He would be like, I love you. I want to know if it break, I was putting pressure on him. I would text him every once in a while and be like, I see me, but I love you. I came back, I want to know if it was for him or not. I could think, you know? OK. And then you got back and that's the two weeks he said,

what, like I'm just trying to, I just feel like you haven't heard from him. It's been, I feel like if he said he wants to see if he misses you and you obviously miss him. And you're wondering, and you guys were together for how long? you and you obviously miss him and you're wondering and you guys were together for how long? It would have been two years this month and I was supposed to move in with him in April. Was everything great in the relationship? Were you having amazing sex? You thought it was your partner or was it because sometimes what happens is we end up with someone and we forget that things were kind of rocky a little bit. The intimacy was actually really good the The whole world two years really together.

Four or five times a week, sometimes more than once a day, which was great. We would hold hands, but we're so. Right. The intimacy was really good. I just think over the winter, and I know that guys go through phases. He turns the plane, the deal game has become like on his headset,

and we would butt heads back to you like, like, Dave, like, come way down with the watch movie he would rather play a video games we started about how yeah that's never gonna end by the way the video game things never gonna end if he's found video games they're not gonna end I mean here's a figure you're you know I mean he's 27 I'm telling you my rule is don't get married before 30. How many other guys have you been in serious relationships with? So my story is kind of interesting too.

I don't know how much time we have, but I did my history hard for three years. I dated another guy for five years, gave back an engagement ring, he was a complete moron. That's for like six or seven years. I was single, but like data to lunch. I'm in entertainment industry, so I kind of really want to just tie down.

Then I hit 28, 27, 28, and I was like, you know what? I start looking for my phone and then I came across Anthony. Right, right. I mean, I don't know. I think it's hard for me to let go because he's the most important source. Yeah.

Long-term relationship, but I've had where I became really vulnerable and I really, so we felt like she was my soulmate. Right. That's why I think it's the hard part of the city. No, I get it. I'm so proud of you, though, for being vulnerable and for opening your heart, because that's so not easy. So I think if this is really, I mean, you guys are engaged and you're going to move in together,

you said you are engaged or you were engaged. Right? No, I was engaged for a different time. Okay, as I said, you were engaged. Talk to about this guy. Talk to about getting engaged. We got a job together. Right. right? I was very close to his family. I get all that but do you feel like, oh, are you asking me should you call him again and have one more conversation to see if it's really done or not? Or does it feel like it's already done and you want to contact him? Yeah, it's kind of one of those things where I kind of want to just

get your advice like where do you think this is going is it Come in You think he might reach out to me down down the road and I don't know I actually I can't this is so tough But I want you to like like I think that you to look at what's happening right now Like he understands that you guys have been together for for while he won't take a break I mean I can go look at the history the the back and the forth. And maybe he got cold feet. Maybe he's just really into video games and he realized like, I am young to be having sex with one person right now. I got to find who I am. I got to find myself. It's just, it is, I know it doesn't seem like

it's young, but I'm telling you it is. And so I feel like my advice to you would be to try to spend some time without this relationship and kind of build your friendship, your community, you know, build people, you know, you're focused on yourself right now. And I wouldn't go back to it because you don't want to be the one, I don't know. I mean, if you needed to call them one more time, you can set let them know that I'm really interested in moving this forward.

And if not, I need a clean break. Because then if here's what you got to do, you have to decide this. And if you, one more call, you're allowed to talk to them one more time, Brittany, but then what you have to do is you have to promise me, you have to unfollow them on all social media, you have to block his number and you have to say for three months, 90 days, I am not going to talk to him, stalk him, read him, talk to his parents,

or whatever. That's how you move past someone. I feel like it's unfinished. If you want to talk to him one more time and lay it out, yes, and then otherwise, because then you're going to be in this limbo stage, which is still going to be hard. When you do that cut, I've had to do it. I'm telling you, but it's how you move past someone. So you think that I should at some point try to ask him one last time. I mean, you have a dog. Yeah, it's because I can't get to hear how clear it is. It sounds like you're on a break or a half break or he said,

need time, but you haven't heard, but you share a dog. So I feel like, yeah, I feel like I need some clarification. Do you still want the dog? Maybe there's some visitation rights, but you gotta have someone who a friend of yours pick up the dog and drop the dog off. You just need some support with this. So it sounds like it has to be one more conversation,

tell him that you want to be with him, does he want to be with you, figure that out, see what he says, and then if you don't get a satisfied answer then you got to do the clean break and you can have that I don't have a problem with you calling you guys together for two years and it's unclear but it would be a conversation of you guys like saying I need to know I need to know if I should be together or not together and then when you get that answer you got to stay with them or you gotta move on. Well, I think in his head, I mean, we did technically full on break up, but. But what?

When I had, I feel like there's still no complete closure. It's a physical talk off of us. Closure is kind of bullshit. I gotta be honest with you. I just think that too, but Closure isn't a real thing. Closure's just like, I wanna see him again and I want him to think that he misses me so much and that he can't live without me

and he's gonna move out the ring and we're going to move in with the dog. But it doesn't really work like that. And that's what sucks. And I find that too with my ex I still think, well maybe I should just call him and like, no, like it's not, we want that, we want that feeling and that affirmations and we want to feel it, we want that to happen. And the only, and you're saying, well, why do you come back to him?

He might. Like maybe he will, but we don't know that. And the best thing that you could do right now is work on Brittany. Cut him, and it'll be hard, but you've got your friends, you've got your family, you've got to be interested and interesting and go out there and build your life and be sad and cry and do all the things. Because that's the hardest thing in the world. Is a woman who truly has her life and has everything together and isn't relying on a man

and isn't relying on that relationship. So it sounds like that there's some some growth that you have to do on your own. And if it comes back and you're when you still want them amazing, but if it's a break it's a if it's broken it's broken right now. That's my advice. It's so hard to hear that. I know I'm I know I'm really sorry honey but, but that's what you gotta do. You gotta move on, you gotta cut it, and your friends will be there to help you and lift you up. I'll be here, I'm here every night.

Okay, Brittany. Thank you, I appreciate you being called back. You can literally call back tomorrow. People call back all the time. I'm like your third person demand 10 hours a week. Okay, Brittany? I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay, of course, my pleasure. Eric 55 in Oregon

wants to ask about rimming. Okay. Hey, Eric. How are you? Good. How are you doing? I'm doing great. Good. So my question is my my wife and I have been together for 15, 16 years and not only do I really like going down on her, but I really like going down on her butt Mm-hmm And she used to be more into it, but now she's gotten really worried about any kind of infection Infections she could get with any co-mingling with her with her vagina Right, right. I don't think she's ever got anything. I don't really want to use a dental dam Yeah, but I just don't know if there's

anything that can be done or that can ease her concerns to make her more willing to be open to that. Right. I mean, really, you never want to go, obviously, you don't want to go from the anus to the vagina. You just want to start with the vagina and go to the anus. I think that if you guys, you know, maybe you could like, you know, take a take shower, you know, ahead of time, like, if you guys that, you know, have some baby wipes by the bed, I don't really think there's really not going to be a problem after that. Like if you just start an herbogynon, then you go, you lick around and use your fingers. I mean, I don't think that she really has to worry about that. You guys have been together for a long time. So is it more, you really, yeah, in your long-term relationship, you really don't have to worry.

So yeah, you really don't. That's kind of what I thought, and I didn't know if you've been using like an antiseptic wipe on my mouth afterwards. It's like I said, it used to be more open to it now. Sometimes she's like, I don't want you to kiss me. I get that. I get that. Well, she's like, I don't want you to kiss me. I don't know. Okay, I get that. I get that.

I'm drinking enough. Oh, she hasn't been drinking enough. Maybe some mouthwash by the bed. I kind of get that, making out after rimming. Jamie's like, what, would you want to, I understand that because there isn't more bacteria in there. And I think if that's her thing, then go to the bed, you know, use some mouthwash by the bed.

I think that's it. I think that's the best thing to do. the bat, you know, use some mouthwash by the bat. I think that's it. I think that's the best thing to do. And then, you know, wash yourself after. But how would you feel if she didn't want to make out with you right away, right after? Or if you wanted to take a drink of water. I just take a drink of water. Yeah, no, I don't think that's what I think. Okay, yeah, no.

I think just make sure that she's clean and comfortable, and yeah, you have nothing to worry about. Cool. It's ever relax. It's have a relax. Give her a massage first. Maybe you massage her aina's before you go in there. That feels really good. Just kind of grab the butt cheeks, give a massage.

So thanks, Eric. Thanks for your call. Rimming, there you go. Okay, we have Erica, who's 40 in Iowa, wants to know when the right time is to tell her partner about her past with addiction. Ooh, hey, Erica. Hey. Hey, thanks for calling.

Hey, girl. Hey, girl. So I don't have a partner yet. Oh. I'm actually like three years and four months sober. And I'm like literally just getting ready to move into my own place. Good. Start dating.

And I just, I haven't, like I haven't had a healthy relationship in a long, long time. Nothing in three years before that for 12 years throughout relationships. So I don't, I don't, I'm kind of like a foreign territory, so I don't want to, I don't want to say too much because I am a talker, but then I'm scared someone off, so I just don't, you know, like, well, I think Erica, I think that's such a good question. You know, I think that it's a big part of who you are, right? Are you in the program? Are you in A.A.? It's probably, you know, just your priorities a big part of your life, I would think right now. It is. It is. It's everything.

So yeah, I mean, I get, you know, I have a lot of friends. I've actually watched a lot of friends go through this and start dating again after, you know, when they get sober. And I don't think you have to get into. Now, this is where I understand what you're saying. You're like, I want to tell them everything. But you could just say, yeah, I don't drink, or I don't do drugs, or, you know, that's all I'm sober. You don't, I think just saying like, I'm sober, you don't have to right away get into all the stories.

Because we all have things in our life, like, you know, we don't have that, but we might have other things, right? Like trauma or other things that I think you'll know the right place, but I think you absolutely should tell people that you're sober. I think that that's a big part of who you are. It's like someone disclosing if their religion is important to them. So I think as soon as you know, when you meet someone and you start talking, now I don't think you have to like lead with it on your dating profile or tell them on the phone, but

hey, let me tell you something. First, I'm sober. You know what I mean? But I think when you meet up, you know, I'm not drinking. You know what I mean? But I think when you meet up, I'm that drink. You know what I'm sober. I'm not going to have a drink or whatever it is. I think that that's fine. And so that help you.

Because I know you're saying you think you're talking about it. Yeah, yeah. I think just saying, yeah, I'm sober would be fine. I think I feel so awkward still about it. I still worry what people think about me. That's my biggest hang up in life is what do you really think because I've been judged so much in the past I don't know how to I don't know how to kind of lose that part of me and just be okay with everything so I do worry like what is he

going to think when I do say that is he can think something inside of his head is he like oh god she's an extra gatic I like I just I don't want to overthink and then overtalk or... I totally understand that that judgment thing, but I think Erica, honestly, it doesn't mean you know this, working on what people think, but it really doesn't matter what they think and the truth is, if someone judges you for that,

they're not your person, they're doing you a favor. I mean, I think I have the totally different perspective. I have such admiration for people who are sober, like if someone, I look, I want to have a totally different perspective. I have such admiration for people who are sober. Like, if someone, I look, I want a higher people who are sober, I want a debut, so like, I think it's, but I'm also, I'm not an addict, so I think that people who are confused by that, maybe they have their own issues with it,

and they're probably not your person, but I think someone who understands what it takes in your life and the struggles it takes to get sober, to me is like a trait that I want someone who's done their work and like that's serious work. So to me, I commend that. And you want to find someone who does too. You don't have to explain to them.

I do, definitely, because it's hard work. I know it is. I know it isn't at 42. I mean, I get it, Eric. I'm a few years older than you, but the truth is that that is a journey, not caring what people think. I think we all do it to make people we really care about and look to our family and friends,

but this people you're going on a date with, like you've been doing such hard work on yourself, it doesn't matter. You're on that date for you to figure out what you want. It doesn't matter who likes you. I think this is the whole thing you got to switch your head about dating. Remember, you're there for, you're there to see if, you know, they get to date you. Doesn't matter, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, they're they're interviewing, like, for you to see if this could be my match. So anyone who can't handle it, or you feel as judging you as done is gone. And this is how you're going to find your person.

Just weed them out quicker, you know? I like that. I like that. They're there for me. They are. Remember that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Do that. Because I took me a while when there for me. Like, are there for me? I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, do that. Because I took me a while when I started dating. I mean, I think a lot of us, we've talked about that, that we think like, oh, I hope they like me, I hope they're coming, and then we forget to think of what do I want.

What matters to me? And so, Erica, you're at the place where it's all about what you want and what you need right now. Okay, so we have an email from Brian, who is 34 in Georgia. He writes, my wife of seven years together for nine, and I have been out of sync for a while. So we agreed to schedule sex. She has not been interested in those nights, and I don't know what to do.

We still have sex occasionally two to three times a month, but it bothers me that she's making excuses on our scheduled nights, and we are yet to have sex on one of those nights. What do I do? Alright, okay. Now here's the thing, Brian. I'm so glad that you are scheduling sex because if you hear scheduling sex and you think that's not sexy, which a lot of you will do, it's actually great because what he's saying here is that, let me explain this to you all because you're probably going, oh, two

to three times a week or two to three times a month, you month, well, that should be okay or why can't she, why is that a bummer? Because when couples agree to schedule sex, it is such a great way to make sure that you guarantee that you are gonna have sex on this one night. So maybe Saturday nights are date night, sex night. Because what happens in couples is when we don't have a schedule sex, and this helps with couples

who can't quite, they're not having enough sex as they want So what happens is you know it's Saturday night So it's not like you have to come home and Tuesday night Brian tries to sleep as wife and she pushes them off and then when's a night now they go Oh Saturday night that's our night and then they look forward to that and then hopefully for women who might not be in the mood or they're You know not always ready for sex this gives you time to kind of Look forward to it build up keep your pilot light lit continue to like send sexy texts each other Maybe you like master bandit so it master made ahead of time

So it's a whole thing that can really help couples so Brian's bummed because he's like I freaking we scheduled it and now And now she's not keeping up her end of the bargain. And so Brian, you don't want to force her to have sex. So I think you could just let her know, though, that, you know, listen, scheduling sex is a commitment that you made. And what you can tell is when that happens, you could just say, you know what babe, I know we try, and this is again, not right after it happens, because you're going to be upset. So if you're like, we had a plan.

It's more like, okay, so I know we both have the goal of having, we want to continue to have incredible, connected sex for the rest of our lives. And so our agreement to have scheduled sex seemed like a good idea. And now I've noticed the last few times, it't worked out and I'm curious if you know why Like tell me why you think it's not happening because maybe she's you know You know been stressed out or maybe she's just having a little libido. Maybe there's something else going on

Maybe she's not even turned on yet. So you have to remember this you know if she's really sick Obviously she should tell you she's sick and And the best thing to do is say, not tonight, honey, but I guarantee you Tuesday, but it sounds like she's just bailing. So it also might be that maybe she's, it stresses her out having the scheduled night because she's still not in the mood for sex for whatever reason you're not having sex. And so I think this, in this conversation where you're talking about the scheduling sex, you can also say to her, I wanna know like what would get you in the mood.

Do you know what would get you in the mood? Because maybe the alarm goes off Saturday night and she's like, oh, I'm selling the mood. Because women require, we require for play, we require some turning on, we require thinking about it And so maybe she needs your out, maybe she needs a little bit of love, your love languages, kissing, some sexy texts, some settings, baby sitters, if your kids are home like I don't know what's happening But she might need to just have the right setup. Yeah, because what I'm thinking of is that whenever you know like see like, see you have plans for something and it's like hard to like

Excite yourself up about it. Like maybe he just needs to go and take the extra step to like Send her those sexy texts throughout the day and be like, you know, I can't wait to see you in the bad room with the candles Like Saturdays can be hot. I can't wait to like, you know, go down on you I can't wait to see you naked and I got you this sexy, you know, whatever. I got that new toy for us because you built, it's like looking forward to like a great meal or a vacation. Like the excitement is part of the fun. So if sex is just, she looks at her calendar

and it's like sex with Brian. It's like, what? I'm bored still. So maybe I love your intention here. Don't throw on the towel Brian, but try to figure out what you can do to make it actually work for you. Little bit more work to you here,

but not a deal breaker or you're fine. You're gonna figure it out. Just talk to her. All right guys, I hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you for supporting the show for listening, for calling in, for sharing it with your friends, for subscribing, all the things that you do so we can continue to do the show into our 14th year.

I love you all and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. FeedbackItSex with Emily.com.