Sex With Emily - Differently Abled Sex with Andrew Gurza

Episode Date: August 25, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by host of the Disability After Dark podcast Andrew Gurza to talk about how to overcome insecurities and gain confidence in the bedroom, no matter what’s holding you back. They dive into what it means to be a “queer cripple,” ways to make sex with disabilities as hot and pleasurable as possible, and how to make oral sex and masturbation as comfortable as possible – including sex toys with disability in mind. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Fleshlight, Adam & Eve, Foria Follow Emily: @sexwithemily Follow Andrew: @andrewgurza Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On Today's show, I'm joined by host of the Disability After Dark podcast, Andrew Gurza. To talk about what it means to be a queer cripple, ways to make sex with disabilities as hot and pleasurable as possible, how to overcome insecurities and gain confidence in the bedroom no matter what's holding you back, and ways to make oral, anal, and masturbation more comfortable. All this and more, thanks for listening. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Check out everything going on. There are blogs or podcasts or videos. You can easily subscribe to the podcast and see what's going on here with Sex with Emily

and get all the information you need to have better sex and relationships. And you guys take our survey. It's all turn of August and it will be up all month long. And we want to know better sex and relationships. And you guys take our survey. It's all turn of August and it'll be up all month long. And we want to know about your sex life. It's completely anonymous. We're not going to share with anybody. It's in the name of science. We actually want to hear more about your sexual behaviors,

your habits, what you're into. And then we'll be sharing those results back to you. We have a few questions about the sex with the M.A. podcast. It should only take you a few minutes. And again, it helps us make a better show and help you all have better sex. Again, you can find that at sexwithemily.com slash August or go to our website and click on the alternative August Survey banner. And again, it's anonymous. We won't tell anyone. Also, find me at Sex with Emily across the board on all social Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Love hearing from you all.

And now for your sex in the news. Fantastizing about your partner can boost your sex drive and maybe save your relationship. Having fantasies, totally healthy part of having a healthy sex life, and also sharing them with your partner. But this new study adds a little bit more to that. So having sexual fantasies might just be the key to having healthy and fulfilling relationship. So according to the study, what fantasies can do to your relationship, the effect of sexual fantasies and couple interactions, this is what they found out.

They asked the couples to sexually fantasize about either their partner or someone else and then describe the content of their fantasy and then check out their relationship and see how it impacted their relationship physically and emotionally. So those who talked about the fantasy reported a greater desire to get down and dirty with their partners compared to others, but even more so you guys check this out, fantasizing about a partner. So not some stranger, not the sexy person, the brista who gave you coffee this morning, but actually having active friends with your partner

increased their partners appeal and decreased the negative perceptions about the relationship. So the scientists conclude the fantasies can help us to invest in our relationships even more, which I think this totally makes sense. The more you fantasize your partner, the more satisfied you're gonna feel, the more satisfied you're gonna feel,

the more satisfied you are, the more likely you are to talk about your fantasies. And who knows, when you talk about it, I think it'll be a lot easier to live out those fantasies with your partner. So why not just plug in your partner to whatever you've been wanting? So for example, let's say you've been wanting

to have your partner answer the door, make it, I'm gonna give you an example here. So let's say you're with a woman, your partner answer the door naked. I'm going to give you an example here So let's say you're with the woman. You're like, I want to come home and have you naked and Laying on the bed with all your sex toys and let's say you know, you I don't think you'd start with that. So maybe you'd say I'd love to come home and see you Answer the door like in a broad underwear, right? Because maybe you've never talked to your partner about being naked when they come home. So I think with fantasies, we have to also practice and not to say like, babe, I had to three some in your face, wasn't it?

Maybe like, have you ever thought about having sex with someone else? So I feel like you got to eat. What I'm saying is you got to ease into these fantasies. So rather than saying the whole elaborate scenario can kind of trip your partner up, what I like about this, you can just say, I had a fantasy about you, and here's how we could play out. So, you know, see what they say? Like, yeah, that'd be really hot. I'll wear that new lingerie you said,

and then you could add on, like, and if your sex toys were there, that would be great. Because I think if it's a new thing, and you've never talked about fantasies with your partner, you want to make sure that it's accessible and something that they would be into. And also, guys, if you're at the point in your relationship where things have gotten a little stale, or you're just like, ah, not really attracted to my partner anymore,

if you plug them into these fantasies, you're going to be surprised to see that, oh, wow, maybe I really am attracted to them. I've got to bring it back because if you really attracted them in the beginning, it can come back again, I promise. So this is another great tool that you can use to kind of look at your partner in a different light that maybe you haven't seen them in before and kind of bring that and infuse that life back into their relationship. I think these are all great tips for you

that if you're thinking about it now, you should probably just do it today. Do it this weekend. Don't wait on it. Prove your relationship, have better sex, and get turned on by your partner again. It can totally happen, it's possible. Feel good about this.

I hope you guys enjoy today's interview with Andrew Gurza. He is a disability awareness consultant, cripple content creator, and host of the Disability After Dark podcast. I was fascinated by his podcast and in Thrall, they feel like he and I have a lot in common. You know, there's a lot of vulnerability that comes up when you're talking about sex

and it's where you're in the business of sex and when you're actually having sex and you're worried about it, like, is this for research, is this for myself? And just a lot of the challenges that we all have in the bedroom, I feel like Andrew's got a different host of challenges but the way he talks about it is think is really relatable,

really heartfelt and really vulnerable. I think Andrew's doing great work and if you want to know more about him, you can find him at AndrewGurza.com, G-U-R-Z-A, and check out his podcast Disability After Dark. And yeah, guys enjoy the interview. All right, I've got Andrew, Gurza on the phone. Hey, Andrew. Hey, how's it going? Good. I'm so excited to talk to you. And I do not think that people talk nearly enough

about having sex with disabilities. And I think we all deserve to have better sex and relationships. So I'm really excited around the show. And I've been listening to your podcast, and I was like, we have a lot in common. Because first of all, for the whole like for it's all being a sex educator and building a brand and kind of being obsessed with work and thinking when I'm having sex,

like how to really let yourself actually enjoy sex when it becomes your job and how not to be having sex and thinking about, should I be doing this for research or do I need to talk about it is the one thing. And then also all the insecurities and vulnerabilities that we all have around sex, you're so open about it, like a play by play about when you're in the moment

and out of the moment with a partner, and I just thought it was so relatable and honest and I love the work you're doing. That's so great, thank you so much for that kudos, because the work I do, I just did it because I was born one day, and I was like, get started with podcasts, see what that, like see if it goes anywhere.

Well, it's really, I was gonna ask you about how you got started. Into, you know, I guess into podcasting, but also being a, were you an educator before that or do the podcast get you on board with consulting? No, I mean, it all kind of just started and the origin story of this was I was a little bit depressed.

I was going through a bit of a depression and I was done in school and I had studied law and disability for years. I did a little bit depressed. I was going through a bit of a depression and I was done in school and I had studied law and disability for years. I did a master's in that and I was going to go to school for that to create change around disability that way. But in the back of my mind, I was like, I'm really, I'm queer and I'm disabled and I want to really talk about this stuff more openly. But people told me, oh, this this is not it's not a job You can't do that you won't be able to sustain yourself. It's not worth it do something that is quote unquote a real job and One day I just was like, you know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna make some business cards call myself a disability consultant

Having no idea what that meant. And just see what happened. It's so far from there. Wow, good for how many years ago was that? That's was about six and a half years ago. Okay, congratulations. It seems like you're doing well. And I think that's a great lesson that I think that I talked to a lot of entrepreneurs now.

People were starting a business. They think everything has to be perfect, perfectly lined up. I have to have the website and the branding. No, you just did it. You get cards and you went out there and you believe in yourself. Yeah, I mean, it does go through periods of Evan Flow where like you think, oh, I can't do this today.

I don't know if I'm gonna be able to, how well I should say this in a year is this where I wanna look at how this wants to be in a year. And I think when you're a disabled creator, especially, there's a lot more of that self-doubt because there's so few of us who are doing stuff for us, especially around sexuality. We're all talking about it as disabled people, but then there are a handful of us who've decided to take that part of our experience and make it our job. So when there's so few of us doing it, it's like, what was this brand?

It's sustainable, am I gonna be, am I gonna be able to do it in a year or two? So there's so much added pressure because oftentimes if you're one of few or you're the first, and then it's like, well, what if I, like, what if I missed that? What if I fuck up? What if I, right, right.

That never, you should ebbs and flows. You're like, there's some weeks, I'm like, how about some days where you believe in yourself in the morning and then the afternoon, something about happens. So I get it, it's not easy just printing the card, but I'm saying I meant that more like, you got to just start sometimes. And the fact that you start, it's never easy. So you put it out there, you knew or you thought to yourself, this is something that really

interests me just having disabilities, but also talking about sex. So what's the response been since you started six years ago, now that you are talking about and being queer, so like all the things. Yeah, I mean, my brands change and the names of things are change and I've changed things around, move things around. But the response I think has been positive because I really, in my work, it's so tied to my personal life that I try not to separate it because people don't want that. The disabled community wants to see somebody telling them the truth or their truth with respect to

disability. And I think when we talk to non-disabled community members about sex and disability, they also need the truth. Yeah, absolutely. And they need somebody who isn't sugarcoding in. When we talk about disability, usually what happens is we try to sugarcode it and they can get either super positive or it's a tragedy. It's either one of the other. It's super everything. You'll be fine. You'll overcome or your life is horrible and tragic and you're going to die tomorrow. So what is the truth then? What's the truth that you most want people to understand then? I said I want people to look at how disability feels. We don't talk about how it feels ever. When we talk about disability, we talk about the really high or the really low moments,

but no one's getting in the middle and saying, hey, how does it feel today to be a wheelchair user? How does it feel today to not have access to your body, how does it feel today to want to jerk off and not be able to, because you can't touch yourself, how does it feel to, you know, all those things. No one's asking that, and because that's been part of my lived experience, I started asking myself those questions, and then the podcast kind of came about because writing and typing can be texting on the disabled body sometimes.

I type a lot, but I get tired really fast. I have the privilege of speech really well. So I was like, why don't I just get a mic, get some really simple podcasting equipment and see if this thing goes. And it's been two years with this podcast. The response has been really, really good. And people have said to me this show, I stumble on it, I never thought about this stuff

but now I listen all the time. And it's really scary how much people want to learn about this. And before I started doing it, there were no resources. I think for anybody who's thinking of starting a podcast or anything blog, whatever you're writing that, there's a certain, like if you, if it's your truth and you think you've a storytell,

there's gonna be someone else, often that's gonna be able to relate to it. So I, that's, yeah. So what is it like then today? You said you wanna talk about what it's like to be in a wheelchair, how it feels today? How does it feel today? To you? How is today?

Today in 2018 is a a wheelchair user, who's queer, unfortunately, the way we talk about sex and disability hasn't changed, it's still really, I am one of my app profiles right now. My nickname is, is a big dick-crip. That's amazing. Big dick grip. Yeah, so I put it up there kind of as a joke.

And- But I have taught her to talk about your penis size. So that's not a joke. It's no, it's- That's some joke. It's quite, it's three, it's three. I didn't see it people, let's not know if you brought the bag.

Yeah. It's, it's, to all the queer men out there, it's a nice, it's a nice. Yeah. It's it's to all the queer men out there. It's a nice. It's a nice. It's good. But still, even in that in doing stuff like that, that I have to to make jokes with that because otherwise I won't get noticed if I just said I'm a disabled queer guy. And I didn't hypersexualize myself in some way. I wouldn't get noticed in our community, in my queer community. So

I often feel they need to overextend that sexuality just so people pay attention to me. So what, yeah, exactly. So it sounds like it's working. What kind of response have you gotten from listeners? There is, uh... Because it's no one else is doing this. I'm sure they must be just like, gives them a lot of permission to be sexual and to talk about things as well. It does, yeah. I mean, I had somebody who tweeted me the other day and said, oh, I'm catching up on disability after dark

and like, I love how the show makes me feel. And thank you for that. And just, I don't get them very often because I think disabled people, even though they may listen, are afraid to talk about sex. So I don't get it too too often. But sometimes I'll get an email just saying, I listen to your show and it's resonating with me or I'll get reviews on iTunes that are like, I'm an able-bodied person and I

listen to your show and I've learned something new today and I've learned how I understand disability a little bit differently now. Or I laugh with you about something. And like that was, that's really empowering because I do my podcast for my house. Like I'm not in a studio, I'm at home. So when you're doing it, you don't think that it's going across the world, and you are hearing you.

So you just kind of do it, and say, okay, there it is. And I mean, it's not the biggest podcast in the world, and it's not like huge, but it's the fact that it's creating change somewhere is what I have to remember the most important thing. Keep doing it, keep sticking with it. So, you know, and I think it is really brave, because sex is already such a taboo subject. So, how do you think we can better understand queer sex and sex with disabilities? Like, what do we, what do we understand? I think we have to realize that we're ableist.

And I think we have to talk about that quite openly. And for anybody who's the thing who's like, what's the ableist? Yeah, talk about it, please. Yeah, ableism basically is like the discrimination against disabled people. So if you make an off-color joke about someone's wheelchair and you say something

like, oh that person is a, I'm just trying to think of like a common one. If you call somebody hand-to-cateable and you don't ask them what their, what their terms are, or you say something that is, that might be considered a slur that, you know, that could be able of them. And it's just discrimination, or really it's ignorance around disability. And I think we have to realize that we all have the capacity to be ignorant and we all have the capacity to say the wrong thing. I think it's how we handle that and I think when a disabled person calls somebody out and says, hey, you're being an ableist right now, it isn't necessarily like to say to them, you're being an ableist right now, it isn't necessarily like just just say to them, you're being an asshole and saying,

you've maybe missed step for me. Can we interrogate that? And I think people are really afraid to be, to be called out in these instances. Because they're like, oh no, I can't be able if I have disabled friends. Well, it's like, you know what I mean. No, we can all be.

So what do you think are the misconceptions then? Just in general, like that you feel like people have made about you or people you know with disabilities. Like what's like one thing, something that's really common, like that again, no one gets that blank. If there's even just one that's really close to your heart. Yeah, I mean, we were talking about like Dick earlier, which is a lot of creepy stuff.

Do you love that? It's a free hour task of you, okay? Just hey, put it that profile. Yeah, I do. Okay, just hey. Put it there profile. Not the picture, but unless you want to, but I'm just saying the big dick trip is amazing. I get like good. Okay. Also to go back to that, like I have on the profile, big dick trip.

Everyone's laughing and they really love that. Big joke probably cracked everyone up. Okay. That's awesome. So I have it on my problem with big dick grip and guys on message me and say like, oh, it's so nice to see that your dick still works. As it's like, first of all, I'm not paralyzed.

I don't deal with paralysis, but the assumption that in order, the only way to receive sexual pleasure is through genitalia, especially with men, the way that we fetishize the penis and fetishize the way that that body part is tied to masculinity and tied to queerness and tied to all those things is really problematic. And so I'm beginning that a lot over the last few days, like, wow, it's really nice to know your dick still works, like I'm so happy it does because if we didn't, like, if we didn't work, then we couldn't do anything. And I just think, well, I have friends who deal with paralysis

and, you know, their penis may, like, sometimes doesn't work that they wanted to. And like, that's really not fair. They still deserve and can achieve pleasure in ways that exactly that's they can achieve pleasure in other ways, right? If they don't, I was going to ask because I remember studying this in grad school for my sex grad school and I remember talking about

people of disabilities and there was a guy who was paralyzed but he got pleasure from his ear like he learned after being his ear could give him orgasms like yeah I heard about that guy yeah it was a long one guy I've heard that you, I think it's true, because you learn to associate org out with any part that you can start to transfer pleasure for sectors and other areas. And tell me about your disability, just so you're in a wheelchair. Yeah, wheelchair user.

And I have super palsy, which means that I was, I had brain damage at birth and I came out through months early. So I was like, fuck this nine month thing. I'm coming out of the sixth. And so I came out in six months. I was premature, I was blue all over.

Look, I basically read me my last, right? It's on my birthday when I was born. And I then, this was like, fuck it. I'm staying. I have stuff to do. And so my disability means I'm a wheelchair user. I can't walk. I don't have paralysis, I can feel everything,

but I can't my name will to walk. So people assume that because I'm a wheelchair user, that means that I can't, that I just must have me with a walk. And so for me, it just means that I need help with all my daily activities, like getting up, getting in my chair, getting dressed, going to the bathroom, all those things I have to,

I have help for. And it's just something that you incorporate into your life every day. Yeah, I like hearing the story about your attended, how you were, I just love the story when you described your, I think it was your last podcast. I think it was most recent one about the, the one that maybe it wasn't, maybe it was from May.

I can't even remember the last one. But you're having sex with so when you talk about your tenant coming over and how you're like, I'm having sex, but even if you're your tenant, you're tenant, right? Is that what you, yeah, yeah. And you're like, I'm getting ready, I'm having sex. And like just so like, they knew too that you were having sex, like that you're appearing for a date,

but they come over every day and take care of you. But like, this is what's happening. And so I also thought it was interesting, because listening to your story about how, just because okay, so I hear from people every single day listening to your story about how just because okay So I hear from people every single day right who have challenges are on sex who are like I'm insecure Because I don't like my body or my penis is small Sorry, there are people who are trying you know in those ways their challenge. They're worried about the penis

But there's people who are I'm just teasing you, but there's people right we all have these things are ahead and that you were like one moment in it And the other one what you're like excited and you're're like, oh, I'm being able-bodied. Like in ourselves, I feel like a lot of us are our own worst critics. In fact, we have like a mind jail that goes on and I just, I could just so relate to that and hear my list just going, yeah, like we all have these things in the moment

where we're trying to have great sex then we take ourselves out of the moment and then you'd go back into the moment and I just was listening and like to hear your connection and describing how you love the way he kissed your ear and how that made you feel. I just thought you got to keep putting yourself back into it. So what are your tools that for being more confident

when you're actually having sex? Is there anything that you can talk about? That's a tough one because I don't think that I am confident when I have sex. I'm like, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm like, I'm maybe acting confident for the person to make them comfortable, but inside I'm like, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm like, I'm maybe acting confident for the person to make them comfortable, but inside I'm like, I'll talk about what about this and what about the next move

and how do I, what about this position and how do I ask for this. And so inside I'm not confident. I'm having all the able of fears that I'm not letting on because I don't want the other person to fear that it's really, but I think you gain confidence by owning that you aren't confident. And so in a lot of my work, when I started working, I was initially like, oh yeah, I'm really confident.

I'm the sexiest disabled guy and it's high-started talking about stuff. But now I'm like, oh no, I'm fucked up just like you and I have insecurities about ABC and I'm starting to be more open about my insecurities and how my disability interplays with them and being really honest about that breeds a sense of release because they don't have to hide that anymore. Right. It is. I absolutely agree with you that we are even being a sex educator. I'm not perfect. It's not like I do everything right. Every time I have sex, it's just like, oh, it's amazing, or even throughout my life, like the truth is the more vulnerable you are,

the more open you are, people realize we don't have to all rock ground pertaining that we're perfect all the time. We don't have insecurities and anxiety. I think all of us can relate to that. So, thank you, right? That's a great thing to learn too. I'm sure I've helped your business,

if I get you more listeners as well. Like I would think that people can relate, because it's relatable, not get you. But you know what I'm saying? People are like, I can relate to that. Just like I listen to you. I was like, I feel everything that you felt in this moment.

Like, what would you say? I mean, and that's the point, but I think the trouble is, and the thing that I struggle with in making this business is, how do I realizing that I don't have the pain or to a non-disabled audience and realizing that I don't have to pan or to a non-disabled audience and realizing

that I didn't create this show just to make able-bodied people feel better about sex and disability, realizing that there's a community out there, people who are listening who are disabled and who... The response from disabled people for this show that have said to me, like, I listen to your show and I feel like I'm at home. Yeah. That makes me like well off with joy because it means that no matter what else happens,

if two people listen who feel that way, I've done my job. Yeah. And like to know that this little podcast that I started kind of as an experiment to see how far I would go, has done that is like, wow. Yeah, I'm really excited for you, so that keeps you going. Now, what about dating?

Let's talk about your dating life. What do you think people want to know when they're dating? So what do people need to know when they're dating someone with a disability? I think. Yeah, some of your dating tips. The general, I don't date lots anymore. I thought around what I don't, I don't know how I'm having sex with some of

the ability. Um, I can't, well, I mean, the last time I went on, I'll tell you my last dating story. I went on a date with a guy a few weeks ago. We went and had burgers and he was going to come back to my place and mess around and we Did that it wasn't amazing and that was okay, but we didn't click and that was fine and then two to three days later He messages me and says all I just wanted to say hi and it was around pride time So he said oh, how'd you pride and I saw thank you and he says to me. Well, I wanted to let you know that I can't I Don't think we should see each other again I'm like, okay, that's all right. I guess things and whatever and I left it at and he's like I want to let you know that I can't. I don't think we should see each other again. I was like, oh, okay, that's all right. I guess things in whatever, and I left it that.

And he's like, I want you to know why it's because you're not as independent as I would like you to be in bed. And I was like, oh, okay. And he was like, yeah, so your disability's kind of an issue for me. And I wanted you just to know. And I was like, oh, like, I didn't need to know that.

Why couldn't you just have like told me that you didn't want to hang out anymore. I would have gotten the hint. Like, they're, like I didn't need to know that. Why couldn't you just have like told me that you didn't wanna hang out anymore? I would have like gotten the hint. Like, right. So I'm used to. There's too much for you. So how did you meet him? So he was he not disabled?

We know he was able to. He was able to. He was able to. Yeah, and we just met on an app, and then we just started chatting and the chat was fine. And we like, we had cleared the fact that I was disabled. He knew there was no like, I didn't hide it. I didn't pretend it wasn't happening.

I'm very, very upfront. Right. And so he knew all that, and it seemed okay. But then what I was surprised by and kind of upset by was, why would you send somebody a text afterwards saying like, right, here's all the reasons I can't see you again. And they're all based around the time you're disabled. Right. Yeah, here's all the reasons I can't see you again and they're all based around the time you're disabled.

Right. Yeah, that's hurtful. And he pithed, well, I'm not going to go, so I'm going to say the right thing, but really maybe better just to say thanks for. I mean, yeah, you could just have that again. Coming out, and I don't think, I don't think we, and you didn't work for me. And that's a lot less painful than me. And I think why it's so exciting

is because disabled people here this sub all the time were constantly inundated with able body people's questions about her sexuality and the way that we, the way their bodies work and the very first question they want to know is how do you fuck? How do you affect? How? How? How? How? Is the only question we're kind of stuck on and I wish people would ask us how does it feel to be a sexually active disabled person and how does it feel to own your sexuality how does it feel to have agency in the you know in your in the decision to fuck or how does it feel to not have access to your body I wish people would really start asking that stuff because that's where that's where sexuality and disability lives and how it feels because no one else is talking

about that. I agree. Yeah. Well, I want to know then. Can you tell me how it feels to have sex as a disabled person? It's a complicated thing because I love sex. I love being sexual with somebody and I don't get the chance to do it very often. I talk about sex a lot. I write about sex. I podcast about sex. But actually

having sex, I don't get to have it, which is why my last podcast episode I did a whole episode about how good the sex was because I very, very good to have good sex. Well, it's so good. What made it so good? Because I knew this partner a little bit, we knew each other. He knew what my needs were and there was no need to, I didn't have to spend 25 minutes explaining to him what to do. We just kind of fell into each other and that was nice. And I got to let go and relax a little bit. And usually because I don't have regular partners that I must around with because people are afraid to engage with disability Usually if you're with a new partner, you have to walk them through and hold their hand and make sure they're comfortable and

work. Yeah, it's a lot of pre-work. Yeah, like beforehand And so this was just a nice experience I had that was not Before hand, and so this was just a nice experience I had that was not That had none of the fear I could just like go and enjoy and that was I Had not thought that went a long time around my sex so that it was I just wanted to share with the world So like people need to know that these the positive sex stories around disability do happen They're rare, but they're there and I wanted to just I just hope people should know about them I think it's great And you also ask your listeners to submit some of their great sex stories as well, right? They're rare, but they're there and I wanted to just tell people should know about them. I think it's great.

You also ask your listeners to submit some of their great sex stories as well, right? Yeah, I've started doing just to get more listeners and to keep the show going and to keep myself interested in my life. Whatever reason, right? But it's interesting. Yeah, it's here, other people, actual stories, it's inspiring. Interviews who listen to your show and are like, yeah, I'm not having sex at often either, but you know what, if I do or when I do, it's give them inspiration.

Yeah. I mean, I did one a few months ago, we did one a few months ago when I first started doing the Minisodes where I asked people to write in their funny sex stories and I would read them back. And I got some that I was like, oh my goodness, that's hilarious. And I just think to know that the community submitted stuff like that and wanted me to like to read it out loud and talk about it on the air was like, okay,

people are clamoring for this. They want to prove to the world that they can be sexual too. And it's like these stories were really funny and partially because you can only tell those stories if you're disabled. And so I was hallowing with laughter through half that episode because I because there's only a disabled person that have this happen to them.

I see, again, that's why your show is serving purpose. It's relatable. I think it's useful to share people's stories. That's what we do. How we ask people, it's like masturbation month stories that are a masturbation month or anal. This is actually alternative August slash anal sex month. Where's the good?

What are your stories? Because I think that I even I learning on the gun. You guys must have really liked that. That's interesting. I think that is how we learned from other people's stories. Okay, so Andrew, do you want to help me answer some emails for my listeners? Sure I do. Yes, I would love that.

Okay, cool. Well, first let me take a quick break. We're going to give a shout out to our sponsors. Thanks everyone for supporting the show. and we'll be right back. Tell me about masturbation. Can we talk about masturbation with disabilities? Yeah, masturbation for me has been a new journey for me because when I was younger When I was like a teenager and stuff I could I could easily master it in my dexterity in my hands were a lot easier So I couldn't master it. I said dick-starety, but you said dexterity. It could totally

Dixterity though It's a new word. So my so my dexterity So my dexterity was a lot more, I have more movement of my hands. And as I've gotten older because of my disability, the strength of my hands has lessened a little bit and muscles have become tighter. So the typical motion that penis having people have when they master it is to grab the shaft and go up but now I could never do that. I could use my thumb, but because of the changes in dexterity, I can't really use my thumb

anymore. So I've stopped master rating because it's just too painful. And so sometimes now when I get around, all just randomly come sometimes and it's super awkward to be like, oh, sorry, I had a moment there. So my ideas around masturbation have changed, but my ideas around self pleasure have also changed because now I can have a pleasure moment and not have to worry about touching my body. But you still have it.

You still have a release. You still have orgasm, but you're thinking your way there. And that's something you had to learn. Yeah, and I'm still learning that. And it's like sometimes it'll happen at really an opportunity of moments like, oh, fuck, how do I get like, and there is an embarrassment of like, how do I explain to somebody that I just came when I was like, I was watching Grease and Anime Monday and I just came and I was like, what is how? Like what's what? So learning to be present in a body

that sometimes doesn't do what you wanted to do. And that can be tough because I look at able, like able body queer people who like are constantly, like wagon their, their genitals around, sometimes like in queer male communities, that's what's happening a lot of the time. And we're so hyper sexualized. And I get really jealous because I'm like, I want to be able to, like, be down to fuck whenever I, I am mentally, but physically, I'm like, I want to be able to like be down to fuck whenever I am mentally, but physically, I'm not. And that's as a disabled person, that's what's frustrating. So the idea, like the idea that I can just, we have my dick and take a cock selfie, like

so many people do on these ads is like, I wish that I could do that. Right. You were used like a stroke or anything or could you use anything else to help? Well, just because of my dexterity is so. You can't, okay. I just couldn't, and I have to, I'd have to like call one of my care workers in, which would be a super interesting conversation,

but like, hey, can you just send me up so I can jerk off like that? Just a minute, yeah. Right. Just because like there is, as open as I am, there is a sense of like, I want this to be mine. I want this to be a private moment that I have that I don't where I don't have to involve somebody else.

So yes, I could totally call somebody and ask for that out, but I have, I ask for help in every part of my day. So I have no problem asking, but it's also the understanding that like, this is mine, this is mine, and I don't want to share this with you in any way. So sometimes you just don't. I understand that would not be easy, an easy thing. So have you ever tried, I understand.

If you try to, have you tried any products, you know, like there's some companies that make some like sports cheats, you work with sports cheats, they make slings and swings or toys, or is that anything that you guys that you talk about? I have a two-tier audience. Yeah. Okay. I did test a tang egg a few years ago on my show, just to test the dexterity of the tang egg and I had it on the air and I was playing with it with my fingers and seeing

if, and talking about how somebody with a disability would be able to use it or not use it. Okay. And many of those toys because of the exterior. Right. I just say we're present at least in my position with my level of disability couldn't use now. Right.

Some of you who had less disability might be able to or more to the exteriority could could do that. But I couldn't. Actually, it's funny, my sister who lives in Australia and I were working on a line of sex toys for people with disabilities that were working on designing. And we're doing research with RMIT in Australia right now to really create creative toy from scratch that is designed for and by people with physical disabilities. That's amazing. I think you need it. How would you want what's the toy like you can tell me anything about? So for our for men, for women, for everyone.

I mean, there is no there is no toy. We don't have anything yet. We're just doing the research right now and actually we're looking for funding to do the research because we want to do it properly and you know just slapping a strap on a dildo and then calling it an accessible toy isn't isn't good enough. We wanted to go to disable people and say like what are your needs? What gets you off? What's easy for you? What's hardest for you, so we're doing that preliminary research to make sure that we've been calling it a disability-driven design for the toy, which means that we put disability first. It's putting disability first, because usually whenever

anything is designed for a disabled person, it was usually designed for a not disabled person first. And then adapted, this is saying no, no, no, disability is part of the process from square one. I don't want to say too much what the toilet is external. I remember allowed to, but you know, it's going to take us a while to promptly get something out there. But I'm really, really proud of the fact that it's first of all where my sister and I are doing it in a family way. So to involve a family member in this kind of work is really awesome. I love it.

Well, we want to hear about it. I think you should maybe you could do a Kickstarter campaign or even start with a survey on your site, have people answer questions that you said you're kind of doing some research on what about your research? Yeah, we have that actually. We have that go, we have that go fund me right now. Oh, good. See? Okay, let's all support you. Okay have that go we have that go find me right now. Oh good. See.

Okay, let's all support you. Okay, where can we find it? Awesome. If people go to gofundme.com and they actually if they go to deliciouslydisabled.ca and then click on donate, it'll take it. It'll take you to our go find me page and you can throw a dollar in here and there. Awesome. And it's something that we're working on because we really

want to, there's something powerful about being the first. Yeah. People to do that. And also to know that this could revolutionize how disabled people access their bodies is really cool. Yeah, I think so too. I think it'd be great. We'd love you to share that research with us as well when you get

it back. And we'll put this link in the show notes. People can find you. I think it'd be great. We'd love you to share that research with us as well when you get it back And we'll put this link in the show notes people can find you I think it is really useful and I'm just thinking about now like how could you invent the stalker so it connects to your Chair so you don't need your hands to get it work for you like I'm trying to think about that too I'm actually like hi, you're right. What could we do here? Like a remote control like a sling that comes down with a toy. Let me know how you go with it I want you to find some good things for you. Okay, so, Andrea, do you want to help me answer some emails for my listeners?

Sure I do. Yes, I would love that. Okay, cool. Okay, if you want a question, answer on the show. You can text Ask Emily, all one word to 7979, 7979, felt the short form. Go to my website, sectorthammy.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, and always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to this show.

Okay, this is from Ben, he's 42. Dear Emily, I recently started hearing your podcast after I heard you on the Mind Pump podcast. I met my wife many years ago, we dated for seven years, haven't married for three. My wife has severe medical issues. She was in a car accident at a young age and had to have part of her left arm amputated.

She also has severe arthritis, affects her joints, leading to having both hips replaced. And with a surgery, she's gain weight, but now she can't really exercise. It's difficult for her to lose the weight, I think that she's beautiful and sexy. When we first started dating, we were able to have sex in a lot of positions, but now she's only comfortable in the spooning position. We've brought inflatable wedge pillows, slat wedge slash pillows together into different positions. She was okay with them at first, but we don't use them anymore. I've gotten to the point where I'm bored of the position. I've asked her to try other positions, but nothing is really comfortable for her.

She can't afford hips too wide without being afraid. A metal screw will break inside of her. Because it's happened once before, are there any positions you can suggest that may work for her? So I needed your help with this one too, Andrew. I thought you'd be great. Helping with this has been, he's 42. But first I just want to say Ben, it sounds like you guys have really good communication and that you've really been able to work around it.

But now it sounds like maybe she's just in a lot more pain or maybe she's nervous to start again. And there might be, I don't know, what are your thoughts, Andrew, because I feel like they've used the words that sound fun. I don't know. I don't that's the first one. That's a lot of information. I know Ben is is telling his wife he's telling his wife that she's still beautiful and that he's he's doing those things and putting in the work to ensure that she's and that she feels emotionally seen and valued as best he can. As a as it's actually active disabled person, I gotta say I can't move in a lot of positions either. I I am in really I have pillows and wedges too that I use for sex to keep my body comfortable. I've had a hip replaced. I have spinal fusion, metal rods and my spine. So I understand what

the fear she has. I'm also a person with a little bit more weight on me in the belly area, so I understand that too. And I understand how all that impacts your desire to be sexy. I don't really know if there's, if I have an answer in terms of how to what positions that you get into, I would say maybe consider not having like penetrated sex, consider like hand jobs and oral and... I think you're so right. Yep. No, I agree.

I was here listening because you're right. I was like, what could they do? I don't know. Maybe she's got a lot of fear because she did a metal screw already broke inside of her. It sounds like she might have some trauma as well. Yeah. I would be afraid to have sex as well if I had these... I wouldn't want to do anything happen.

No. But I had something happen. No, but I think yeah. I deal with things like IBS and catheters too. So there's a constant fear of like, oh no, what if something just really related happens during this supposedly passionate moment? Right, passion. Right. Like how the fuck do I deal with that? Right, exactly.

I understand her fear, but I also can appreciate his Ben's fear of being like, I wanna just fuck my wife in a loving, like in a loving, I love you consensual way, I wanna fuck my wife. And not being able to, and not having the lived experience of her body trauma. So I don't know if there's an answer,

but I would just say, like, keep talking through, maybe you suggest, like, I don't know if there's an answer, but I would just say, like keep talking through maybe you suggest, like I don't wanna suggest, like say the counseling is like the only option, but maybe talking to somebody about her trauma and he's like, because her trauma becomes his trauma when he can't fuck his wife.

That's nothing over to love your partner in that way. Exactly. Surely takes a toll on him. Right. There's a toll on him. Right. There's a lot of pressure. And maybe she could find, maybe it's their massage in each other, foot massage, making out again. Kissing goes a lot longer in relation to,

I love kissing. Right. So you need a little bit of intimacy, maybe they've got to bring back some of that. So maybe she's feeling also, a lot of times, she's like a mismatch. Like, she might feel like, oh, he's coming near me again. I don't want to sex, because it could be painful. So they've gotten to this, like, he's coming near me again. I don't want to sex because it could be painful

so they've gotten to this, they're not even touching anymore. And I think for couples forget they can separate both of those things that they could actually do other things and have pleasure in the ways. I think also, because I'm disabled, I've had to re-emmade in what sex looks like and what sex is and how sex feels. And so sometimes sex for me is making out,

and then I give a guy a hand job, he's me a hand job and we're done. That's it. But that was sex. Exactly. No, you're absolutely right. I think that there are so many different ways to have sex and to be active and to connect

with your partner. Absolutely right. And I'm a fan of therapy as well. If she's had some trauma around this, or just in general, communicating, understanding what her challenge is, are if there is trauma go to therapy. Yeah, this is from Michael 27 in Kentucky Family I've been listening to your podcast for two months now. It's awesome and it's taught me a lot I'm a virgin and I'm planning on having sex soon. Well, I'm sort of nervous. I'm also excited I'm not very well in doubt, but no, it's not a huge deal to women

My worry is a well below average when I'm flaccid and it makes me insecure I know my first time won't probably last long and I should focus on the foreplay Should I be worried or insecure about my small penis size when I'm flaccid? Okay, Michael. Here's a deal. I've never heard this before when I read this I don't think I've heard a lot of men worry about their penis size and side note, most people are not complaining about their partner's penis. So men worry about it a lot.

I know you don't have that concern there, but anyway, God, I love making penis jokes with you. Okay, so I don't think that Michael, you have to worry about it being flaccid. Most guys aren't big when they're flaccid. Like that's the point, they're flaccid. And your partner's really not going to be thinking about that either.

And it is true focus on her pleasure, focus on foreplay, make sure she's enjoying herself, not getting too inside of your head. So what do you think here? How do you get out of your head, though? Well, I mean, I'm sitting down all the time. So really, when I look at my penis and it's flaccid, it's up against the rest of my body. So it looks different because yeah. So like I get his fear of like, oh, it's not, it looks weird because of what I get, I get that in a different way. I

understand. I also think that like he was talking here later about, he's worried about performance and lasting long. I'll share a quick story about that when I first had sex with somebody, my very first time with somebody. I came, he kissed me and I came. It was done, finished over. That was it. And I was so embarrassed and so- It was like you were watching Grey's Anatomy or something.

Yeah, basically. Watching, yeah. But he kissed me and I came and I was so embarrassed. But then we did it again and I had more stamina and it was fine, but I think even with partners now there are moments where we'll have sex and neither of us will come and we'll still have the experience, we put on the money shot and coming from porn and from Popular media and the way it's talked about is really damaging and for me as a disabled person like for a long time All I wanted to do was I got to make sure I got to make sure they come I got to make sure that I make them come because Then as a disabled person I will have done my job. I will have made a difference. And if I make them come, I'm gonna embed and it's okay.

All that stuff is in your head. If you're enjoying yourself, no matter what happens, and you make sure that your partner is also consensually enjoying themselves, then it doesn't matter if fluids are exchanged. It doesn't matter if you come at all. If you have a good time, then that's all it should be about. That's great.

You're so true. How did you get outside your head though? That's what we talk about so much on the show is that just, even if you got to keep bringing yourself back to the moment, I think that with a lot of a sit in, and we worry so much in the bedroom, how did you realize it like it wasn't all about your partner's pleasure and your own? Like, how did you take that back? Because I think it's actually more about women, like women in heterosexual relationships.

We're so much about pleasing men, pleasing men, pleasing men, and I'm constantly telling women, and I'm not saying men aren't like this also, but for typical that we were raised that way. Like we were raised, it was about our partners' pleasure and not our own. So how do you finally take that back? Some days, like, some days, like, do and some days, they don't. It's really not something that you, it's never something you, you know, sexuality is not something you just, changes overnight.

There are moments where it's all about their pleasure. And there are moments where I've texted partners and said like, all I wanna do in this time together is make you come. And they'll say, no, no, no, whatever happens, they'll say, no, no, no, no, I wanna make you come. I wanna, please, let me, let me at least try. So I don't think I've taken anything back.

I think that I, because of my disability, I am, I have been forced to find other ways to enjoy myself. And I think sometimes it's much more about intimacy. So if I can be with the partner and they can just hold me for an hour and nothing happens, that's sometimes more powerful and beneficial to me than, oh my god, we had all the sex on the day. It's great, but sometimes I just want to cuddle. You want to hit it. It's as you see, I agree with you. It does switch in the moment.

Like, I'm going to go into this and I'm going to take my orgasm, but then you're in the moment with someone and you're like, you know what? Not this time, but the fact that you just have that consciousness around it that we all deserve our own orgasms. We all are responsible for it. And we have to take it instead of just give, we have to think about that we all pleasure. So I think that that's just important, even if in the moment you might kind of say, not this time, you still know that in your heart that we all are responsible for it.

And I mean, maybe it's an emotional orgasm. And by that, I mean, like, maybe it's not, if you didn't come up you wearing like spray your seat across the world. Maybe it's like you just, it felt really good and you feel, who filled it now. You were with somebody and shined a moment in that. That's still sex too. That's intimacy.

Yeah. Okay, so wait, real thing, Michael, let me just tell you that I don't think this is something you have to worry about. And, you know, if you try not to get so in your head about when you're actually having sex and if you are really worried, I just think slow things down. My best advice for people who are never at sex before starting out slow down. Go five times slower than you think. I think that we get so nervous in the moment and we think, oh my God, this is the night.

We have to make everything perfect and take our clothes rushed through it. I think if you feel that happening, slow down. It's okay to stop and kiss. Kissing can be the whole event. That's fine too. So, I wouldn't trip on this Michael. You're going to be fine. We're going to do one more email.

Do you have that? Yep. You with me? Okay, this is from Josh, 53 in Maryland. Dear Emily, I'm a bisexual, heteroromantic man who is a married and monogamous with my life for 28 years. She knows I'm bisexual.

I've always wanted to have a physical relationship with another man, a buddy to grab a beer with, watch the ballgame and get each other off. I've been talking to a similar guy in social media and would really love to get to know him in person. Since I do not have romantic inclinations towards men, I think he and I would be friends and like I am with my other friends, we just help each other orgasm occasionally. Am I being selfish and is there any proper way I can discuss this subject with my wife without her feeling like I'm asking for permission to cheat on her?

for permission to cheat on her. Okay, Josh, I read this and I'm like, okay, you've been together for 28 years. And I'm thinking, Sherry knows you, you're bisexual or you've been, you know, bisexual in the past, I feel like you gotta be on to third. Just like you were on this email, be honest with her. Let her know, explain it exactly how you explain it to me email that you don't have romantic tendencies

that you really just want to get off. And then here what she has to say about it, you know, and if she gives you her blessing and you guys to touch it out some more, first of all, really listen to her answer. I think we forget sometimes when we like have a conversation with our partner, it's really just like more of a monologue and a dialogue. So this is something big you might be talking about, Josh, if you've never brought up, listen to what she says and if she says it's cool and doesn't bother her, maybe she needs some modifications on it, then move forward.

But I think you pretty spelled it out. And I think if you're 20 years, that you guys probably have those skills to talk about it. What do you think? Yeah, I think the way that Josh laid out in that email was so, I just thought I was giggling, because I was like, it's so matter of fact. Oh, I'm going to be proud. I know. like it was cute because it was so in the quick meeting we call that like mask for mask

We call that like you're It's just it's super like broy like we're gonna have a beer. We're gonna get it. I know it was so broy Like have a beer football in the game and Jack each other. You know, jerk each other like that's pretty much every clear Man's fantasy right but there it is, right there. And I just think if you're honest with her and you say it is nonchalantly as you did in that letter, but again, like Emily said, listen to your answer because I,

and I'm speaking as somebody who's never been in any kind of relationship long term, but I think if she knows you're bisexual and she loves you and wants you to explore that, I think you can talk about it openly, but I think you she knows you're bisexual and she loves you and wants you to explore that, I think you can talk about it openly, but I think you have to have a, I think you have to be ready for a longer conversation about what that means for her

and what it might actually mean for you. Because you might, what if you're with this guy and when he feelings do start to have, like you know, all that stuff needs to be explored before you do anything and just laid out in case something happened. It's good point. I think that's so important when you're having the coffee.

I think that you talk about what's going to happen after because she might not be cool. She might say, you know, it needs to be a stranger. So when you met online, it can't be any of her friends. She might have boundaries around it as well. So you're right. Kind of have mechanisms in place to manage this new part of your relationship. Good advice. Thank you so much Andrew Gurza for being on the show, for sharing all of your stories

and talking to us about your podcast and your life as a consultant, disability, effort, as your podcast, you're also a consultant. Tell us where people can find you and anything else you'd like to share. Yeah, they can find me at www.androgurza.com. On Twitter at Androgurza or Disafft DarkPod, I am available for consulting work and I give lectures and talks and stuff like that. So, I'd love to talk to some of you and if you want to download the podcast, please do so. It's on every podcast platform. I want to get the numbers up there.

And then. Well, hopefully this will help you. Awesome. I'm really helps. Well, when you're doing great work anyway, so keep doing it. Thank you so much, Andrew, for being real and open and vulnerable on the show. And we'll put all this in the show notes.

So thank you, everyone, for listening. Check out all our alternative August survey. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken Stereo, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? E-Mommy, feedback at sexwithmla.com. you