Sex With Emily - Dirty Talk, Dropping Hints & Dating Tips

Episode Date: January 17, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is covering a few things to be aware of in the dating world – from trends to online profiles and she takes your calls on relationship woes. She goes over what you should NOT put on your dating profile to boost your chances of getting a match, what to do if you’re dropping hints that aren’t getting picked up, focusing less on your phone and more on your partner, and ways to just start talking dirty already. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Adam & Eve, Karezza, and SiriusXM.  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On Today's show, I'm covering a few things to be aware of in the dating world. From trends to online profiles, and I take a few calls, topics include what not to put in your dating profile to up your chances of getting a match, dropping hints about being in the mood that just aren't being well received, and of course, how to fix it, how to get your partner to focus less on their phone and more on you, and ways to just start talking dirty already. All this and more, thanks for listening. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it.

You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it.

You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it. You're not doing it.

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financed in all social media at section of the Emily Cross the board. If you're not following us, you should be because we're starting to give a ways again. Yay. So do that. And I hope you enjoy the show. phrases to avoid on internet dating bios. And I really wanted to get your opinions on these Emily because I feel like you're very good at crafting bios and like helping people with their profiles. So like let's go through some of these ones. This first one is, my kids are my number one priority slash my world.

All right. Yeah. Okay. So if you're on, and this is even, if you're not even an app, but you're on a first date, I would think that someone that you're, I would, they're going to understand if you're a parent, that your kids very important to you, that you love your child. But the problem by saying something like, my kids are my number one priority. I think it's important to let someone know that you're dating the kids.

You don't want to hide the kids till the fourth date, like you have kids. But what that message sends to someone is, you're never going to be important to me. Like, I'll never be, I'll never be enough for you. And I think that I understand kids are everything in your world. And, you know, I do understand that, but it just, it could just put someone off. And, you know, I think that somebody, people know the person that you're going to pick as a mom is going to be a good partner. And you don't need to lead with like, my kids are so important. It just, it also says like, I have no time for

anything else is what that says. If you're writing that out. So I think let it be known that you're a mom, but by saying that could be a turn off. And not just like good guys could be turned off by that. Yeah, I mean, I think it's more of a, when they explicitly write that. They do, right, and they do.

I've seen that and I've seen that. Well, no, and I've seen that well no and I've seen it with guys yeah so I okay this is interesting so I've been on the dating apps I've been on Bumble and those things and when it's someone's like my kids my everything I think I probably have those thoughts where I'm like oh yeah well then you're you're full-time dad you probably don't have space for a relationship is what I think or there's no room for someone else even though you're on app. So I think that it's just your wording.

You could say like, love my kid, love being a parent, it's such a joy. You could do so many other things you could say there, but not the not. The specific sense here is what to avoid. And this was like, they probably looked at tons of dating profiles and found out what worked and what didn't. My kids are my number one priority. My kids are my number one priority. My kids are my world. Then you've no space.

It's basically saying you're shut down. Oh yeah, so I'm just saying that when people write that out, I think people are like, oh, okay, this person's probably overly parenting. Right, that's the other thing. They're like, they're just, probably a very overprotective parent maybe,

that they're just very much like, like checking up on their kid all the time, like that's what that signals to me. Yeah, no, you're right, that's another way of it too, exactly that that person is just kids are their world and don't have space. Yeah, I mean, hopefully they're your world, but we should just say that.

But of course they're your world, I'm not saying that kids are your world, I'm just saying, yeah, it might say that it's your everything and there's no more space for something else to come in. Okay. This next one, I am not looking for fun. Okay, no one wants to hear that. And that is used frequently.

I mean, unless you say I'm not looking for fun, fun finds me, you could end up that way now. But now I'm not, right? That would be good twist on that. Yeah. That was how you could add. If you're saying, I'm not looking for fun. And I understand the reason why women might write this

is because they have a bad experience and they start like falling for someone just about sex. Like I think women are trying to say here is I'm not looking for something casual. I'm not looking for just a fling. I'm not looking for a role in the hay. People say that anymore. A role in the hay.

It's like my mom would say that. Role in the hay. Who love that? Heavy petting. Another thing I'm not much. Oh, I hate that term. I'm so confused. My mom's like, you know, heavy petting.

We were doing heavy petting like I don't want to know. But so, you know, I get it. So like, I feel, I mean, like they're petting like I don't want to know. But so, I get it. So like, I feel, I feel, I feel mean. Like they're petting like a dog, like, a petty pet. It just sounds like someone that doesn't know how to pet a dog. Exactly. That is the problem.

So, right, exactly. Don't do it too heavy. And so, I think, yeah, you guys, like, I'm not like you're fine just says that you, you know, you could say, I'm looking for what you should say as a result is, I'm looking like Irifan just says that you, you know, you could say, I'm looking for, what you should say as a result is, I'm looking for a relationship. Yeah, I'm looking for committed relationship rather than saying, I'm not just looking for fun,

which apparently a lot of women write that. We get it, we get it, that you think guys are gonna interpret it or whoever is gonna interpret it is, like, you're not looking for sex, but no, they're just gonna think you are not a good type. I'm probably uptight. And uptight, I'm not looking for fun. I just, they're just gonna think you are not a good type. And probably a type. And uptight.

I'm not looking for fun. I just wanna sit around and what isn't fun. Really? Okay, this next one, don't send me dick pics. Okay, you guys. There's so many, this is so loaded in so many ways. I mean, first of all, don't send me dick pics, sounds like in a way by saying that sounds like,

it almost is a joke, like you've gotten so many dick pics that you've had to say it sort of upsetting and startling but also I feel if you say Don't send me a dick pick and then there was a guy who's like damn it I was just about to text this to you and he doesn't I mean do you want that? There's not a guy going oh my god I was just about to send it so I didn't I just think that think that the guys are going to date are probably not going to be the ones that need dick picks. Anyway, right? Like I, hmm. Yeah. So basically in a way. So I bet these people are saying this to try to weed out the weirdos, but in a sense, they're kind of

stopping themselves from wearing out the weirdos because then they just won't send the dick pick. But then you're going to find out later that they're weird somehow. Right. Exactly. So why not just say how many dick picks do you really get as a woman? I mean, I know we used to get them a lot on Facebook, but on our Facebook pitch. But what I'm saying is, yeah, the type of guy that's gonna read that and say,

oh, cop, I would not do it now, is not the guy that you're gonna date anyway. You're gonna know that if you're gonna dick pick, and I just don't think they're that rampant. And it also, I think when you do a lot of don'ts, or I hate, or I don't like, or negative things in your bio, like I hate this, and I hate that,'ts or I hate or I don't like or negative things in your bio, I hate this and I hate that or people annoy me or I don't, I just think it's much better to tell a story in your bio, in your dating profile, like show don't tell.

So you could talk about something that you do like. Like I love Dix. No. I mean, some people do write that. They do. Like, I love Dix. No, I mean, for the rest of the time. Some people do write that. They do. I like sex, but don't say we Dix picks it just, you know, I think that they just think whatever we are. I think that's clear, right?

Don't write don't say we Dix picks it. Other thing, what else did I hear? This is from a friend of mine. He dates all the time and he's like, girls who women who say, not looking for hookups, not looking for hookups. Oh, not looking for hookups, not looking for hookups. Oh, not looking for hookups.

So that is also something that I think doesn't really work anymore because I think that people are doing that like on Tinder and all the apps because people believe that it's a hookup app. And I'm telling you guys dating is a hookup app. Like life is a hookup app. If you decide to hook up with someone,

you have that decision, but it's not like if you was gonna go on and date with someone that they are gonna pressure, they're assuming that you're to hook up with someone, you have that decision, but it's not like if you're going to go on a date with someone that they are going to pressure you, they're assuming that you're going to have sex with them. So I think rather you could say, again, a great thing to say is I'm not into hook ups is I'm looking for a relationship. Yeah, I love that you just said that life is a hook up app. It is. Yeah. Life is a hook up app. It is. Like you can hook up anywhere. It's not like you get to decide. Are you a hook and a ball of is let you can hook up anywhere. It's not like you get to decide Are you hookin' up all the time then you're that person? You constantly blow my mind. I'm jamming No, like just like these little random things and they're so like simple, but it's just like

You guys got sex with everyone okay? This let's do this one last one Just ask slash I'll fill this in later. Okay. So this is what means that you might be a little bit lazy and you can't think of anything else clever to write. And so I think the problem with that is that, you're, someone who messages you is only going on the fact they find you pretty. They find you physically attractive and I don't think that that's what women want.

In fact, there have been studies we've done all these sides about dating apps. What women want to hear is in their first message, they don't want to hear that you find them attractive. They already know that. You probably selected them not necessarily because of their bio because you find them attractive. We want to hear something about our personality.

We want to hear something about you that you think that we and I know that you haven't met them yet. But if you could say like, you sound really interesting or I love that you go skydiving, you sound really fun. That's what women want to hear. Conversely, men do want to hear about their looks, says, studies, and an app. They want you to be like, you look really hot,

which is funny because I would never do that because I know I don't want that because I'm already know you find me attractive, but guys want to hear it. This is not a twist. How's that for a twist? Do you think that that's why guys, not always, mostly because they suck,

but some guys like, we'll cat call, because they're like, they're secretly wishing that women would be like, hey, you're hot. You know what, I may perhaps it's some kind of repressed desire for them to be cat-called. I don't know for them to be told they're hot. I've never thought about it that way. I just think, I don't even understand catcalling,

like when did that work? Like do they just think I'm gonna catcall all day and then like one person's gonna like say like, oh wow, you like my ass, tell me more. Could be. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Okay, now there's a really good though, so hopefully people don't put those in their bios anymore. Don't put them in your bio if you're dating or even if you're audited. Yeah. Okay, and let's do this last one here. Dating trends to be aware of in 2019, one because like there's just all these trends, I guess, that like who's coming up with these?

But let's go over this. Orbitting. So this one is a data who distance themselves from you but still somehow remains in the background. Okay, they're just like orbiting you. I guess, okay, so this is explained as someone that you, it and suddenly or things were left unclear, which happens a lot now. You're kind of blurred, but this is the opposite of ghosting, which ghosting I think most people know ghosting is when you date someone and it seems like it's going well, maybe you go on two to three dates and then poof, they're gone.

So instead of them being totally gone, they like all of your Instagram posts. They might text you every few weeks so you know they're still around. So then you still think you can't rid of them, you can't cut them because you're like, well, they keep coming back. So I guess that's what orbit is. There's orbiting. You think that's kind of like the backup plan, like the backup person? Yeah, the backup person.

Yeah, I think that a lot of us do that. We want to have options. Yeah, that's what it is. And so I think, and I also think for ego, it can feel good to be orbited if someone's orbiting around. You're like, oh, at least I have options too. But we're putting a name to these things and then you get to decide if you want them in your life or not. Okay, this next one is pocketing. So when the person you're dating appears to be keeping

you on the back burner and is in no hurry to seriously commit to you. This is what we used to call a commitment fob. Ah, that's me. Right, exactly. Packeting is on the rise, they say, you don't want to be stuffed into a pack by someone you really thought that a relationship was happening. So how do you know if you're being pocketed, you're probably not being introduced to their friends, their family.

There's nothing discussed about future planning. So open your eyes, you're probably being pocketed. So they also only want to hang out if their schedules are clear. So make sure you're with someone who's excited to show you off. And let me tell you, you can tell this in the first few months. Yeah, I think so. You can tell everything. My mom says the issues you have in the third day you will have forever. Wow. Right? No, that's not. Think about that one. Okay. So everyone take that and say what you think about that. All right. Okay. And let's just do this last one. Um, this is very, very interesting. Um, prowling a prowler is someone who ghosts you. Then reappears on the scene when it suits them. Oh, okay.

So it's like they ghosted you were kind of bombed you were devastated You're like I thought I was going really well and then like three months later. They're like hey What's up and they come back and so they're prowling how I guess it's different than orbiting because they're not always there I Feel like a lot of people do circle back Mm-hmm. So it comes full circle, yeah, if you didn't care anymore. That's annoying thing about the progglers is that it's when you finally forgot about them. And then they come back.

I don't know, I would say don't entertain it as such if you're in a relationship with someone, but who knows, maybe you want to because you really like that, maybe something happened to them. But now you have a name for these people that disappeared and then they come back. But now you have a name for these people that disappeared and then they come back.

But I think that can be dangerous. I think that again, when people show you who they are, believe them. If they didn't have the words to say, this isn't working for me now, or I got into another relationship, or whatever, and then they just pop back like, the annoying thing about this,

if they just pop back like nothing happened, like, hey, how you been? Right. Wasn't our last date six months ago? What did I hear from you? the annoying thing about this, this pop back like nothing happened, like, hey, how you been? Right? Wasn't our last eight, six months ago? What did I hear from you? And is, like, I mean, I'm very much a person that likes to put people on this spot.

So I'll be like, so- You would take me. No, I do, I'm very much like so like, where did you go? And then, like, I know that I can already tell like these kind of people, they're just like, oh, what do you mean? Like, I was busy, you were like, oh, no, like, we hung out not that long ago.

It's like, it was literally six months ago. Right, exactly. So, I think they can be a hassle. So, I'm hurt. So, let's just avoid the prollers. Okay, there you go, guys, a little bit sexy news. That's what's happening in the world, just so you know, it's not on CNN, but it's here on SWE.

All right, we're gonna take a quick break, and when we come back with your calls. Alright, so we have Crystal. She's 36 in Oregon and she wants to know how to get sex going with her husband. Alright, take Crystal. Let's get it going. Hey. Hey.

Okay, so I've been married 10 years, and it's kind of always been like this, but it's kind of like a just roll over and we do it. So I know I've been listening to your show for a while, and I know about like the massage even stuff he doesn't like massages, but it's always kind of, and so we, we have a healthy set, but I tend to not want to have sex because there's nothing to get it going, it's just roll over and we do it and we go to sleep. Right. Okay. So it's like, how can, I mean, I know there's ways, I guess I could get it going, but it's how How can we?

What's the ways to get it going that night without just rolling over? Right. No, I get you Well also in other ways outside the bedroom. It's so you know, can you have sex? Outside like in on the couch in a kitchen you kids. Oh my god five kids. Okay, so don't do that Although I do have a friend who has four kids and she had sex in the pantry last week in her kitchen So until like they have a walk in pantry and she's like we just had sex in the pantry I'm like good for you like my friends are always texting with these things. I'm like yes You did it Okay, so you have to stay in the bedroom. I understand this

Well, how about like we did you ever if you heard earlier in the show, the shower? Like shower sex is so hot if you guys ever shower before bed. So then you're like clean. I don't know. In front of the mirror. She doesn't, yeah, he doesn't like that. Take showers together because he doesn't want to wait his turn. Okay, how about in the mirror, I'm using a mirror.

I know, I get it. It sounds like you're doing a lot of yes butting here. Yes but no but it's not gonna work. So listen, so I think you just gotta like take it outside, take it out, you know, a mirror, a mirror sex is really hot. Watching some porn together before you go to bed, like I love having sex in front of a mirror. It's just a different thing, like you're watching each other,

it's really hot. Having somebody said it doesn't like being taught, so I'm just thinking, do you like making out with him? Like is that something that you're watching each other it's really hot um... having somebody said he doesn't like being taught so i'm just thinking do you like making out with him like is that something that you're kind of missing yeah but it i mean i guess it came to like a rut i think we start making out and then it's oral and that's just that's in every time thing which is fine but it's like the same thing and that's the same thing. I get it. I get it. I get it.

He knows oral coming. Right. He comes. He goes on to you. Then he sticks it in. Then you orgasms. You're all over. You go to sleep.

So I think like, what about, like, what is it that you, so tell me when you pick, this is what I got to ask you, Crystal, when you're thinking about it being different, what comes to your mind? Like, what do you like, or what's, like, do like a lot of hot making out? Do you wish you played with your breasts more like he could put a nipple clamp on the egg you could use nipple clamps Like there's a thing you guys are on a routine and so he goes down you make out

He goes down you've sex you roll over but there's I'm always talking about exploring other rod in his zone So like what if he played with your nipples like what if he you kiss his neck played with his nipples you know what i'm saying like he rolls you over plays with your butt plays you know you guys get some toys do have any toys we do have toys and we did that in the beginning and now it's we don't bring back some toys and me here and also i have something i don't know if it's out yet if i can mention the time i was a subscription box coming out but you

could make it's like couples can get this for each other's holiday thing and it's once every, so it's four times a year, you'd still have to do kids open it, but it's like a fun box that comes in the mail and they'll be like, Lou, but a new vibrator and a blindfold and just a little book. You know, you can get different things that will spice up. Here's another idea. I have a book called Hot Sex.

I know you five kids have always like locked this book up, but it's over 200 things you could try at night, and it's got great pictures in it, and you open it up, and you could, it sounds like you just need different ideas, because you could literally open it to any page, and you're like, let's try this tonight.

Like it's just a new sex position, using a sex wedge under you. Like sometimes when we place another pillow on us, you know, underneath our butt, and you lift it up, you're, from your, lift up your pelvis, and you get different positions. And also another thing is creative conceptions

is a great company and they have, I'm giving you so many tips, they have a lot of sex games that help facilitate fun things like asking to their questions or different, you know, oral sex things, they have a game called monogamy, it's kind of like monopoly. So like, I just think you guys need some, because for me, I know what turns me on is when I really intimate deep conversations to with my partner and we get closer. So maybe there's like a sex game where you ask each other questions and that turns it on.

Just one of these things. And then let have him in on this with you, you know, say, babe, come on, enough with the rolling over. Let's do something fun and then go online and order some things or go to my website, check it out and be like, what would be fun to you? And then you guys let's do something fun and then go online and order some things or you know Go to my website check it out be like what would be fun to you? And then you guys are engaging in something fun together and then you're waiting for it something to come in the mail And that's exciting and then you're trying it out and then that will lead to more things all right Well, thank you. You're so welcome. Have a great night. Thanks crystal

All right, let's we're gonna fit in scott right now he is forty five from ohio and he wants to know how to get his wife to spend more time with him oh he's got yeah hi let me help you with this i cannot get my wife to understand that but what she comes home from work she immediately goes and do her telephone her iPad or Kindle and it's non-stop until we go to bed and then when we go to bed she continues to carry that with her to the bedroom and

I can't seem to get across to her that that is an interruption. Okay. And we're in our sex life. Yeah, absolutely, Scott. So it sounds to me like this is something that you need to talk to her about separately. Like it sounds like you've probably brought it up a lot and then she's getting frustrated, right? So I think the conversation that you have to have here

is not when it's actually happening, but the next time you guys do have a night together, just the two of you, you could let her know how it makes you feel when she's always on the iPad and that the time that you would like to have more quality time with her, and that maybe you guys could kind of spend some time without the like put it down

and then you guys could do some other things together. And I think it's really important for couples to have gadget free time set aside like a night without the phone. Like, I don't know. Is she working? Is she shopping online? Like, is she communicating with friends?

Do you know what she's doing? It has gotten so bad that she will stop in the middle of us having sex and check her stuff on her phone or her iPad. Yeah. This is not good. Scott, how long have you guys been together? Eight years eight years. Okay. I'm wondering if something else is going on maybe this is just really it's disrespectful And you can let her know that it makes you feel not loved and that your quality time together is really important to you Because and let her know like and ask her what she thinks it's about like ask questions

She's like I just do it don't tell me what to do and you can say well I won't because you she might get defensive because she's very attached to it. And you could just let her know that it's really important for your intimacy as a couple. Like, there's been all these studies now about couples like we're so addicted that you actually need to say we are going to have a night together without the phone. You know, we are going to spend three hours without it. So I think keep talking to her about it, but from a place of feeling, not of criticizing her. Okay, Scott, we got to go, but thank you so much for calling. Let me know how it goes. I appreciate your call. Okay. Let's take an

email. All right. All right. So this is Tresa. Ooh, I like that name. Tresa 51 in Tennessee. Hi, Emily. I'm 51 and married to the man of my dreams. I didn't even know sex could be fun until I met him. Oh, it's nice. He always makes sure that I'm satisfied and married to the man in my dreams. I didn't even know sex could be fun until I met him. Oh, that's nice. He always makes sure that I'm satisfied and he says that our sex life is great for him too, but I'd like to make it better for him. I know he wants me to dirty talk to him, but every time he says talk to me during sex, my tongue swells, 15 sizes, and I completely frees up.

How can I learn to dirty talk without feeling like an idiot? Okay. This, Tressa, this is a great question because it's so common. So many of us have been in this situation where we're like, what do I do? What do I say? What's dirty talk? Like, don't have to watch porn and then mimic what they're saying. You know, you're not alone at all.

So this is, you don't have to sound like a porn star. You don't have to do anything different than just be you. So my biggest tips for like, just beginner dirty talk is to just describe something that's like happening in the moment. So like, God, you feel so good. Like I just want to like, you know, grab your ass or feel so amazing when you're inside me or you know how to feel that in it. Or something that happened in the past.

Like, I keep thinking about that time we had hot sex or something in the future, something that you want to happen. Those are very specific things with details for the past, present and future that can kind of help you, just write when you describe it. You definitely want to have your dirty talk voice, so it's a little bit lower, a little bit slower, and it's great to do it practice. So I think it's fun in the shower. Like in the shower, like start talking dirty,

like what would you, you've been with this guy? He's the man of your dreams, right? And you're having such fun sex with him. And it's amazing sex. So think about the things that you guys have done that have felt amazing to you. Like I'm sure there's been one thing where you're like, wow, that time he went down on me

when we were in the Bahamas for an hour and then I know orgasm walked this up. Like, think about those things the way he touches you. Like, how does it feel when his hands are on your neck? Things like that and then describe them. And that's really what Dirty Talk is. You know, how he, and let him know how good it makes you, how good it makes you feel.

And, you know, James's got a good dirty talk story like this too, doesn't this, this reminds me of, didn't you have the guy, oh, you see how the guy say this to? He was like, talk to her, you know, like, oh my God, I have no idea what to do. Well, yeah, I mean, it was like, cause it's hard in the moment. Like if you're inside me and you're trying to ask me

to do something in a performative way, like in your putting me on the spot, like, I'm just gonna freeze up because I'm like, this isn't my idea. You know, and it's just, because then I'm like, oh crap, because then I'm like, I'm gonna say something, and then when I actually did try to say something,

because I'm not gonna laugh at you, because that's what my worry was. And then I said something and he kind of laughed at me, and I was like, this is exactly why I didn't. We don't do that. Like, it didn't want to say anything, you know? Yeah, so a good point for Trousa then too, is that he should talk dirty to you.

Like, what does he want? He could start the conversation as well. And you can answer back with some of the things that you've practiced. They're looking the mirror in practice or in the shower. And then just get that voiced out and know you guys, sex can be funny and weird and messy and dirty and imperfect and that's the beauty of it. So no one's going to be perfect at anything sexual the first time,

second time, ten time we try to do it. That's part of the fun. I think that's like a really good point because even when that happened to me, I'm like you're not saying anything, you're not talking dirty. So why do I have to lead this when it's your idea? Exactly. Give me an example. Right, and that is also a good point. Remember, you're in a relationship and you get me and you guys are relating together, you both have to find solutions. It's not only up to one of you.

So when you work together and it's your own project to make your sex life more interesting, more frequent, hotter, sexier, you know, that's to do it together. Teamwork. Okay, thanks everyone. Thanks for listening. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken Samantha, Julia, intern Michelle, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithmla.com. you