Sex With Emily - Do the Hand Job Twist

Episode Date: June 2, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls, and giving you sure-fire ways to take your sex life and your relationships to the next level. She gives you some ways to take your hand jobs to legendary status, reveals what people are really using tinder for, and how many people are getting it on at music festivals and where they’re doing it. Plus, she helps callers get relaxed for anal play, compromise when it comes to how long sex is lasting and how much sex is happening. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: JO, UVee, Womanizer, Intensity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and giving you sure far ways to give legendary hand jobs, revealing what people are really using Tinder for, and the surprising amount of people getting it on at Music festivals. All this and more, thanks for listening. His eyes, they're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions, bedroom eyes, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Cause my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kinda cute.

The girls gotta understand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm so sad. I'm going to be in bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Follow us on all social media. I love hearing from all of you.

It's at sex with Emily across the board. And it's always fun. We've also extended our masturbation month contest. Hope you all had a great May, but we are extending it until June 18th. Feedback at sex with Emily dot com email us. How was masturbation benefited your life, your sex life? What is it done for you i know that it makes my life a whole lot better if i go like a week and a half without masturbating or

orgasming or any of that self love it's not it's not good it just releases all the stress in my life so i hope that you had a great month and email us about how it's helped your life okay so here's some sex in the news this is news because it was a story about hand jobs. And to me, I think that hand jobs should always be at the forefront of your mind because I think that hand jobs get a bad rap. I feel like hand job is something that we left in like middle school and we're like I'm only going to have a hand job until I can move on to blow job. And I also think that the hand job is very misunderstood. That's sometimes we do it wrong. We don't use enough loo. And if your thought is like, well, he can give himself a hand job,

telling you your hand feels so much better than his, it's a little different and it can use two hands, you can use loob and just like scratching your own back doesn't feel as good as someone else scratches it. So in this little article here, I gave some of my top hand job tips. So if this inspires you, talk about hand jobs. Here's a few things you could do. If you're like hand jobs, really, I promise you, just try one of these and you're going to have a very happy penis in your life. Free up a hand. Okay, so you need a really good silicone loop.

I love using silicone loop for hand jobs because there's more movement and last longer, you don't have to keep reapplying. And so once the penis is lubed up enough, you can bring your hand from the base of the shaft over the head and squeezing on the head and then working your way back down. Now remember the head is the most sensitive part of the penis.

And so why not? Use your hand, squeeze the penis, hold on a few seconds and then move back down. Your other hand, what's your other hand doing it? Hey, stimulate yourself. Why not? You got a hand going off on your partner and a hand for yourself.

So it's a little bit of a mutual masturbation, such split and half. Use both hands, here's your thing. If you've just got it in order to do one hand, I've already tried that. You can try two hands, which is super fancy, a two-handed twist. This is when you stack both hands on the shaft, one on the top of the other, and you twist

your hands slowly in opposite directions. So you take time when you're doing this, you want to go like fast up and down, although you could very little fast and slow, but most importantly, take time to vary the pressure. So you're gently stroking, squeezing, and just moving up and down with two hands. You can go all the way up and all the way over. Apparently, someone commented on this and said, like, no, it's like an Indian burn. I'm not asking you to strangle the penis here. Please do not strangle the penis.

You want to just, you're using some loop. You're just twisting your hands, you know, slowly and gently in opposite directions. No pain. If you're in pain, tell your partner. If your partner looks like they're in pain, stop. And you want to focus on the head. Like I said, go ahead, reapply loop, using a lot of loop when you're in pain, tell your partner if your partner looks like they're in pain, stop. And you want to focus on the head. Like I said, go ahead, reapply lube, using a lot of lube when you're stimulating the head and use one hand to stroke from the base of the penis to the head and then using your

other hand, you can just leave it on the tip of the penis, play with it, stroke it, and ask your partner what he likes. So they want it stronger, faster, lighter. I feel like we talk a lot about women giving feedback about what they want because we're all different. We're like snowflakes, but so are penises. They're a little more direct and they're out there and then they're like, you're able to see what's going on a little bit more than the vagina and the vulva, but I'm telling

you, men all like pressure a little bit differently. And there might be guys like, what are you talking about? My tip is way too sensitive, just like a lot of women don't love oral sex. So they don't, they're like, oh, it's too sensitive when a guy goes down to me, it might be true. So I'm saying always ask, always pay attention, but the head is where a lot of magic happens. And the fennelum, which is the underside of the penis,

I'm just gonna throw that in as a bonus. I don't know if I've talked about the fennelum in a while, but it is your best friend. It's where the tip meets the shaft. It's like that little piece of skin on the under, the little like area on the under side of the penis if you place your thumb there. You rub over with your fingers. It can feel great. And that's great for the head teasing portion of the hand job. And finally, you guys make yourself comfortable. I mean, I think that people kind of give up on

hand jobs and blow jobs. Like, oh, it's too hard. My hand gets hurt, so my mouth hurts, but make yourself comfortable. So, you know, play around with your own positioning as you please them. So, you know, you can have him lay down, while you sit up, or you can have him stand up, while you sit beneath him. There's so many different positions you can try,

and it's also really fun to tease the penis. So it doesn't have to be so in there, and you just keep going, and you're gonna go right for that, you know, do a hand job until he ejaculates. You can do a little hand job, you can move job low job, you can have sex, you can make a sandwich and go back to the hand job. I would love you guys to all stop thinking about sex

as just as linear act that goes from like a foreplay to sex to rolling over and falling asleep. So that's some tips for your foreplay tool belt. Okay, a lot of people are having sex at festivals. Now, this is no surprise. I think that festivals are the perfect breeding ground for people to have sex. I feel like you're out of your natural environment. Sometimes the phones don't work, which is amazing.

There's music, your nature, your dancing, your probably drinking. I thought that this was interesting, not necessarily shocking, because I know many of people have hooked up at a festival, but if you want to know which ones are having the most sex, electric forest festival, 30%, I'll just read the top for you, Bonnaroo, followed by Burning Man, followed by Ultra, and then electric Daisy Carnival and Coach Shala. So if you were having lots of sex with these festivals, and then it turns out that at 46% of people who are having sex are having oral sex with someone they just met.

And at Burning Man where there is really very little running water and people aren't taking showers, which I've been to Burning Man, they're having the most oral sex. So you guys, hygiene, bring wipes with you wherever you go. This concerns me. It might be with a stranger. You can still catch an SDI from having a raw sex with a stranger. God, though I know it's always a good time. Use precautions and carry baby wipes and some condoms and loop.

You'll be good. You can make it put in your pack. I don't know. That's not that hard to carry around. Just take just take precautions Random acts of oral that are really fun in the moment if you catch an STI It's gonna stay with you forever Not to be a buzzkill because I love a good festival and here's the other thing

I've had sex in a few of these festivals on a list and there's all very fun very good experiences. I have to say and Worth it love the music all that, but just be careful. Happy summer. Where is all this happening? Are they just having sex? Like randomly, it turns out 15% sex in the crowd. 48% they've done in a car, 58% in a tent, 20% in a camper. And 9% in a porta-potty, people, are you that desperate,

or maybe just really drunk? But I would avoid staying away from the porta- potty. I think when I attacked these festivals it was mostly outside. Maybe in a random RV. Good memories though. I use protection and so will you. Okay, hopefully that made you excited for the festival season and if you're looking for love in a festival maybe someone to bring there or just to hook up in a festival, it turns out that dating apps are more popular than ever. And women on dating apps like Tinder on the swipe apps are more often, let's just say they came out, that they're more often looking for confirmation

and being attractive. That's what's driving them to open the app. Whereas men are looking for casual sex and short term relationships. So women are really just swiping to feel better about themselves and to kind of get an ego boost and men are doing it because they want casual sex and a short term relationship.

And they're kind of bored. It says the men are bored and the women just want to feel good about themselves. And what I've been hearing about on these apps that a lot of people is mostly men and women saying they're just bored. Like it's almost like how they're playing a game on their phone.

They're just kind of swiping and swiping just to kind of get that hit. Because you really are. You get a little serotonin rush when you match with someone, you like someone, but there's something about, it's almost like lazy dating. Kind of think about when I go like shopping and I fill up like my Amazon cart with stuff

that I know that I'm not gonna buy, but it's like shopping therapy. So I think that some of you are using apps in that same way, just kind of like something to pass the time or to feel good about themselves. I think why not? You never know who you're going to match with. A lot of dating isn't a numbers game, but it's summer. Go to a festival, have some sex, meet some people, get outside.

You can use the apps as a compliment to expanding your social life. But I think that this is a great time of year to get outside and practice those skills of actually talking to people. Not even necessarily people that you want to sleep with, it doesn't matter, but just I think we're losing you guys. Like everything, it's the ability to communicate and to connect with people and be intimate as a muscle. And if we don't use it, we lose it.

Okay, you guys, so yeah, I'm cool with using the apps. I'm cool with just being out and dating. I want to know what you guys think about it. Have you been using the apps? How did you meet the last person that you're dating? Let me know. Feedback at sexwithamely.com. All right, guys. I love answering your questions. This is why it exists on the planet. If you want a question answered on the show, you can text Ask Emily all one word to 7979-7979.

Fill out the short form and answer yes. Would would you like to be called portion because I love talking to you Or you can go to my website sexwithalemy.com Click the Ask Emily tab and please include your name your age where you live and how you listen to the show Thanks, okay, we have Jonathan. He's 30 from Florida and he says he got married quickly and he takes too long to orgasm Hey, Jonathan Hey, how are you Emily? I'm great. Tell me what's going on. Give me some background here.

Well, I guess you know the gist of it. Yeah. I met this really great girl and went on one day to we flater and I'm getting married. We do sort of test drive things, I guess, like a couple of days before we get married just, I don't know. And on that night, you know, I seem to be taking a very long time. And now I think that maybe it's just because I'm nervous, just because.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm thinking maybe just because I'm nervous, she doesn't say anything, you know, she gets orgasms, she gets there. Right. And we don't speak about it again. So after we get married, we're doing it again, and this time she actually says something, and she says that I'm just taking a very long time. And I look at her, you know, I can't believe she's actually saying that because no one's ever said that to me.

Right, okay, that was my question for you. That was a great thing. Right, right, right. You know, every, every one of us, oh, you can go for a long time, that's great, Okay. That was that question for you. That was a great thing. Right. You know, every, every one of us, oh, you can go for a long time. That's great. But with her, she says, no, it doesn't take me very long. And if it ends up taking too long, at some point, it just stops being pleasurable. Yeah.

It's horrible. Right. And then it just starts to hurt. And I can't do that. Right. So, whatever she, she told me that every time we, we have sex, I think in my mind, okay, now that we're going, it's a race against time. Oh, God.

It's always possible and ends up taking even longer because I'm constantly thinking about it. Right. To the point that, you know, when I wrote the question, was it a while back and now we're having even less sex and I'm thinking that it's because of that reason and I don't know what to do about it because I've never had this before. Right, okay, that was my question for you. Okay, so I, because I wasn't sure when I read it, what you're, so in your past you've never,

like how long would you say you typically last during, during intercourse? Um, 45 minutes on average? Okay, that's a long time. So, and how many women have you been with? Not too long, I'm just saying so on average, but if you wanted to go quicker, could you, could you ejaculate after say 15 minutes ever? I mean, I don't know. I've never timed myself, so I don you know, I've been, not that I've been with a lot of women, but I mean, I've been with a lot of women. I've been with a lot of women too. Right. You've been with a lot of women. Okay, so here's the thing.

It sounds to me like it's what we call this delayed ejaculation. After all the ejaculation challenges, premature ejaculation, or this is the one that's most challenging. In the sense of a lot of people think it could be, you know, psychological, which sounds like you really are getting more in your head about it. So it could have to do with that. Also, it could be caused by if you are drinking, do you have much to drink or take any drugs, medications? No, I don't do any drugs or anything like that.

I drink every now and then, but not have to strain anything like that. So it sounds like it might be a case of delayed ejaculation because it says, men who last longer than 30 minutes in bed, and they have a harder time ejaculating before that. We would say that is a delayed ejaculation. So what about when you're masturbating? What goes on there? That also takes a long time too.

And for that reason, it's not something I do very often, just because it seems like it just takes me a long time. Right, okay. And I just end up getting frustrated. And this has been... And it's not, you know, well long time, right? Okay, and I just kind of getting frustrated and it's not you know Well, she her feelings are heard because she thinks I have something to do with her and I keep telling her that I can do with her Right and and that also you know plays a part in me thinking okay I need to go as fast as I can and then right I totally understand now so she's feeling like oh my god

Like why is it taking so long is it her? She not turning you enough? Because she's been with men who you may become a lot quicker. So she's blaming herself as women often do. And you're like, no, babe, I'm so really attracted to you. So you guys have created this. So the good news is you just both have different interpretations of what's happening. And the way she approached you the first time by saying, you're taking too long during sex, if you've listened to the show, I always say best not to talk about it in the bedroom and also not to blame.

So it sounds like she made you feel worse, paid you feel bad about this, that you're not pleasing it or so. So it sounds like we've got a communication problem going on. And the thing is, I have told her that and I told her that. I think that's what that's what playing a part in it. So she hasn't said it again, but the fact that we're having even less sex now, it makes me wonder if that's the reason why, but she's just not saying anything because she doesn't want to hurt my friends right well I mean she did

can you get her all like is there a way that you guys could do mutual masturbation and she could have orgasms and other ways I mean you guys are still really a new couple as well right right so and how's your communication other areas or another area that it's great I mean I can talk to her about anything and vice versa. We never struggle about talking about anything, any kind of issue, whether it's at work or family or just between us. And it's too—

And it's too— It's really, really good. Okay, well, here's what I want to say about delayed ejaculation. So, they don't really know the cause of it. Like I said, a lot of people think it's like a logical. You could also go to your doctor and just get checked out and let them know, because it's not that there's necessarily a problem. that a lot of people think it's psychological, you could also go to your doctor and just get checked out and let them know, because it's not that there's necessarily a problem.

But when a band can never ejaculate, it just can't ejaculate at a certain amount of time. It can hurt a woman to have sex for 45 minutes every single time, because there's chafing and it can be painful. But the problem is there's not a ton you could do, unless you can get some of these things checked out and realize, like, figure out how your body works.

So there could be, yeah, I assume you have any, like, prostate surgery or anything like that, hormone-related conditions. You can be overgotten your testosterone check. I'm just saying this is, like, it's good to get it, check out, go to your regular doctor. But it's a little more trickier. So I feel like you guys just have a real talk about it, that this is how you have sex. It doesn't mean that you're not going to be a great lover to her, but understanding that this is the situation that you're in.

This is the expectations that you don't come. Just like women, all, you know, some women can't orgasm. In some positions, they can't in others, they can't during intercourse, they can't in this way. We all have different ways that we orgasm. We experience pleasure. So just reassuring her that, you know, how much she love her, that you guys can work on this together.

It's not just your problem to deal with, and she's just going to sit there and wait, you know, she's got to learn that if you bring her into this, what you're dealing with, and you guys can help to solve it together. It's not just your problem to deal with and she's just going to sit there and wait, you know, she's got to learn that if you bring her into this, what you're dealing with and you guys could help to solve it together, there's also like, you could see a sex therapist. I mean, there are therapists that could help you. If we rule everything out, we find out that it's mostly psychological, although I'm not sure because it sounds like it's been happening to you since you remember right since you were masturbating. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right masturbating. Right, right, right, I just thought, you know, no one's ever complaining, so it's not a problem, right? Which is great, because it's never, never thought about it. Exactly, because many women would be like,

great, let's go as long as you want. So I feel like, get some more information, but also this is who you are. And so it also means that there has to be compromise, like every relationship. So perhaps you guys need to, like when you have sex, maybe every other time you go to a completion, and then sometimes you know, you pull out and she finishes with a hand job or you get a

flashlight and finish yourself or you use your hand and she uses a toy and you guys can figure out different ways to kind of work with this because everyone's got sex challenges and their in their relationships you know mess best videos different kinds of orgasms so I feel just being totally honest it's not about her give your history and that you're on this mission now to kind of figure it out so you guys can work on it together. I think it would be great if you make it both of your challenge together. But it's not the end of the world, but I think you just need some education and some advice from a doctor and then see what happens after there.

Okay, well then we'll do that. I'll talk to her about it and see how she feels about maybe going to see someone with me. I think it's great. You can find a sex therapist too. You're in Florida? Yes. Okay, great. I'm sure you could find someone there, but to definitely get into it, there's a lot of reading.

We have stuff on our site. We can send you some information, but you guys will be great. Just be honest. Okay. Can we communicate? Thanks, Jonathan. Okay, we'll send you some information, but you guys will be great. Just be honest. Okay. Can we communicate? Thanks, Jonathan. Okay, we'll do that. Thank you.

Bye, thanks. We saved. Ah, I'm not in a calculation. There's a lot of different adjaculation challenges. Pre-mature adjaculation, the lady adjaculation, retrograde adjaculation, don't ask. There's a lot of different challenges. I understand.

I think that it's always important to get checked out by your doctor and then to work within the relationship. Also, I'm thinking he could definitely, I always talk about foreplay, not a suggestion or requirement for men too. Sometimes men could turn this into foreplay. He could give her, they could get into some massage and some teasing and some cuddling and kind of a huge fan of it, that also enhances intimacy. As they're going to know each other, I would also say, you know, take some time to kind of work

on your connection in that way and just make the communication honest, straightforward, and transparent. We're gonna take a quick break, give a shout to our sponsors and we come back. We'll come back with more. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OK, we have Kevin. He's 37 in Ohio and he wants to know how to get his wife to relax for anal play. Hey, Kevin. Hi, how are you doing? I'm so good. Happy to be talking to you.

Tell me what's going on. Well, um, wife and I have kind of started dabbling into the anal play action. And when we get into it, I think she has a hard time relaxing. She often says even inserting a finger can be painful. And that's kind of about as far as we went. We've got some smaller plugs. And kind of gotten the same problem. Okay, well, do you do some foreplay first? So she has a clear orgasm first, have you tried again? I tried about, she's, how do I say, pretty stimulatable?

Okay, good. There's been times where she's had like 10 or 15 before we even get into that kind of thing. Okay, and does she want to try anal? She does. She really wants it. Okay. So what about if you just, um, because how many times have you guys tried now and it hasn't really worked?

Hmm. About 10 maybe. Okay. Because that's enough to make it seem like I feel like we got to try something totally different. So at first of all, I would say maybe we need a little break. But also, I'm wondering if it's um, is she really, because it's really all about your breath, like it's really like deep, deep breath into your like pelvic flex. She breathes all the way down. It's like that full body in and out and just breathing. And maybe you don't even start with a toy. And you said if the finger's hurting,

maybe you just need to start stimulating the nerve endings on the outside because there's so many nerve endings that it feels great if you just take some lube and like use your finger to get her used to that conicensation. Because you're saying even a pinky hurts her, even a little bit. Yeah, I mean, not say a middle finger is about as much as she can tolerate it any given points.

Okay, because a lot of people... And I'd be like you said, kind of warming up around the area and that general idea That's a yeah, that's kind of what we do anyway, right? So I wouldn't say that abnormal for us to go that route right because the truth is it is it can't be painful Especially the first time or first few times you try it or for a lot of people It's painful and they breathe and then it feels better once that you know they get going right it goes inside It can be first getting towards the opening of it and then it when the penis

gets inside it can feel a little bit better. So I don't know if it's just more about her like deeply deeply breathing into this or you just need to like I don't know if she's having really bad pain that she can't handle anymore then maybe you guys need to take a break from it because what I would tell you is she has to breathe she has to go slow you can try different positions like you could try with her, like in the spooning position or her like laying down so she's really comfortable. Like maybe she gets, you give her a full body massage, right? All over her body.

Like you literally massage her butt, her legs, her chest and so she's like really, really relaxed. And like you could put a pillow under her back or if she's lying on her side, that could be a way that makes it just more comfortable for her. So she's like elevated and comfortable. and then maybe use your pinky finger. And it's like, you just kind of go really, really slow and move it in and out. But if it's just seriously like after half of a finger, it's too painful and you're doing all of these things, you know, I might have to take a break or have her put a toy in

herself and then she's, she's experimenting, but there could be something with you there that it's created a lot more anxiety now with the two of you, because I'm telling you, ten times of trying and not succeeding, what happens with sex is a lot of our challenges are psychological. We get in our heads and she's like, it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt, you know, and then she's thinking it's going to hurt, and it might not even be hurting. She just might be afraid for the hurt. So I think that's where she's at with it. She's even tried on her own and says she gets somewhat progress, but not a lot. Right. We'll say.

Well, I think that this is... I'm wondering if, I'm wondering the different positions. We've tried Doggy style and some missionary style stuff too. I would have her lying on her back with a pillow underneath her butt or her lower back and her legs go back over her head or over your shoulders. If you're on top for missionary, so she's elevated. I would try that. She's spreading her legs.

You're using tons of loom. You're just reapplying and you're just going slow and she's breathing. Every time you push in, she's breathing in, and then she releases, and you push in more. So when you start, she takes a deep breath, and then you go thrust a little more, either with your finger or your penis, and then she lets go when she breathes out, you push a little more. So there's this whole rhythm to it. I know you've done it all. So Kevin, I'm not sure here. I don't know what to tell you, because if she's, and you think she's really in her head, so what if you just take the pressure off and you're like, you know what, we're not going to do anal, we're not going to

try for another month or something. And maybe when you guys are out of town and in a different location, do you guys have kids around? Or your life's best, okay, do you like a vacation plan this summer, right? So it can be kind of like, and if she's stressed in every other area of her life, it's going to be really hard to kind of just fit it in, it fit in a little bit, anal, if there's other stress things happening, because it sounds like she's having a really hard time relaxing. Yeah. Why? Because we went on vacation and things got where she was actually forcing my hand into

her end to end to end no play, which is, let's say, out of the norm, but we were on vacation, so I wonder if that had something to do with it like, okay, this is new and fun. It's always vacation. It's not magic. Vacation sex is so underrated. I want to tell every couple, like, I don't care if you have to just go into the same town and have your parents come over and babysit for three hours. If you could, out of your house, out of your bedroom, you rent a hotel room, obviously,

a full on vacation is great, but a few days. But just for moving yourself from the same place you have sex with the kids and the laundry and the bills It's that novelty and that newness and that excitement that of like being in a new place together without all the pressures of home So that's what I think you got to do Take her away this summer Make her a whole thing make it about her get a babysitter and then work on it again But also take the pressure off and she's got and I think if she meditates that's really good It sounds like in other areas. She might need some relaxation, texties, some yoga,

some stretching. That's kind of what I'm leaning towards. She needs to get through her head to relax about it. I even let her try on me thinking if she could experiment on me, she would have more comfort with her and kind of that route. Okay. Well, I think that sounds good. I think that it's really about her right now and not in a way that she's the only one

who could control her anxiety and I think doing meditation. Because meditation is all about taking your mind off your thoughts during sex or during anything and then focusing on what's happening in the moment. So her breath, whenever she's thinking, oh no, it's going to hurt. She goes back to her breath and back to the feeling in her body. But there's a great app called Headspace. It's a great meditation app. She could start with like 10 minutes a day, but I'm telling you meditation is,

is so helpful for so many people and it's game changer when it comes to sex. That sounds fun. Okay, Kevin, let me know how it goes. You're both, you both wanted to happen. It's going to happen. I promise you. Take that vacation. Okay, Kevin. Let me know how it goes. You both wanted to happen. It's gonna happen. I promise you Take that vacation. Bye, Kevin. Yeah Way to go. It always is okay. Bye. Have a great night. Bye. Bye You guys vacation sex vacation sex vacation sex. It is summer now

Go on that vacation and you know what? You're not a bad parent and a bad person if you leave your kids at home In fact, I think that it shows that you're better parents because you are Prioritizing your relationship, okay? To take time if you have kids that are of a certain age Let's say they're three or five and you've never left town without them. It is time But if you can't go on vacation, which I understand or you just don't have time alone So much of the things that we're talking about during sex are psychological, which is good news, right?

A lot of our anxieties and insecurities are just coming from our mind. So meditation practice is, I mean, it's helped me with so many areas of my life. And don't get me wrong. I still have anxiety and stress, but the meditation just allows you to get a handle on your thoughts so you literally can control them and direct them or just let them go during sex. You can focus on truly just being in the moment, being present, being in your body, and having way more satisfying sex. We have Michelle.

She's 26 from New Mexico, and she says she has a higher sex drive than her partner and not sure what to do. Hey, Michelle, thanks for calling. Hi, Emily. How's it going? So good. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm good. I appreciate you getting back to me. Yeah, of course. Okay, so let's walk me through this time Where you're at now? Yeah, so I'm simply glass talked. I suppose I'm actually recently engaged so congratulations about that. amazing. He's my life partner. I love him to death. I'm really excited. But there's this one part of our life

that doesn't completely align. And, you know, OK, I guess it sounds silly. But I just have a higher sex charge than he does. And I don't know if it's because he's a few years older than me. And he kind of has a damaged sexual history past. And there's a lot to it. But it comes down to him really

only wanting to have sex once a week or less. It's not high on his priority list. Any time I really try and make that effort, he kind of shuts me down sometimes not all the time or he'll say things like, oh are you trying to be sexy? Oh, I'm trying to be sexy. Michelle. Don't ask me that. Okay, oh god. Okay, I'm so to be sexy. Michelle, don't ask me that. OK, oh god. OK, I'm so glad we're talking about this,

because it's not just a little thing. Everything's perfect but sex. You know, when sex is the problem in the relationship, it kind of takes over everything. So it's a big thing. A sex to have a challenge on sex. Not a bad thing, not like an ending thing, but you got to realize that it's OK to be concerned about this.

And it's great that we're talking, because this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. but you gotta like realize that it's okay to be concerned about this and it's great that we're talking because This is the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. We got to do some work right now First of all, I want you to know that it's not weird In fact women often have higher sex drives than men It's just it's a pesky societal norms that have told us that women are the ones who want less sex than men So it's really common. There's always typically it ebbs and flows throughout a relationship or there's just always one person who wants it more than the other. That happens. That's like pretty much standard in a relationship. So that's okay. So you don't

have to like apologize or you think it's weird because it's not weird at all Michelle. I hear for women every day about this. So I would say like couples have to compromise. I have to talk about it because that's what relationships are like Like, if you, it sounds like you're not, you know, less than once a week and you want it, a few times a week, but that's something that you guys can negotiate on. My concern here is a few other things that you said, and that you said that he has,

his early sex history is a little, what word did you use? Sketchy or questionable, damaged? Damaged? So that to me is where I'm going, going red flags because if we don't work on early Trauma early anything it's gonna stay with us for the rest of our lives right right So you know, it's one of those things where we do have a lot of communication We talk about this a lot. We talk about it very openly and often because it does come up

And you know it comes up and our because it does come up, you know, it comes up. And our communication is finally in it, but sometimes if I push it or I bring it up too often, then that makes him say that the more I talk about it, even less he wants to do it. And you know, he has to be in that mood. He doesn't just come home and want to have sex or he really has to be like, no stress stress nothing on his plate nothing you know nothing that could preoccupy by his mind he doesn't just like always feel ready to go well that doesn't happen with anybody okay like like the

stars are supposed to be line line every is to be perfect and then oh he's gonna want to sex like who doesn't have stress on their mind every day so that's not realistic so standards for wanting sex not realistic and i know many women who feel the same way to go everything has every day? So that's not realistic. So his standards for wanting sex are not realistic. And I know many women who feel the same way too, they go, oh, everything has to be perfect. Well, that's not life. And also, like he said, he's older than you.

So what he's in his late 20s, but I think this goes back to whatever happened to him on earlier in life. And also, if he's ever gotten checked by his doctor, if he's truly not desiring sex, he could just test Ostrome Check. He shouldn't have a problem with it at this age. I don't know if he drinks or takes any drugs He's never gotten checked by his doctor. If he's truly not desiring sex, he can get his testosterone checked. He shouldn't have a problem with it at this age.

I don't know if he drinks or takes any drugs or medications. They could also impact his sex drive. No medications, I mean, you drink casually, but not anything excessive. I think a lot of the trauma from the past, we also have very different up rings. I come from a very loving household and my family was great and his not so much at all and to deal with abuse and a lot of other things in his past that I understand he has trauma in his past and that is rolled over into who he is today as a person. And I try to be understanding of it. I try to, you know, has he had therapy and come from completely right? No, besides that we all, but here's the

thing. Shall we all have, I know you came from a loving household, but I'm sure there's something in your childhood too. We all have stuff that happens in our childhood that we have to work through. That's just like why we're on the planet. Maybe you don't even know now, but there'll be something your mom once said to you about not continuing with ice skating lessons

and it made you feel like you could never be, leave your dreams. We don't even know yet, not in abusive way, but parents all do, that's what we learn from life. So everyone has different uh... brings but has he ever had therapy to deal with even if he says he's passed it you guys talk about it has he ever really gone into it what happened to him and like the depths of it

and kind of felt it and released it and yeah yeah he did go to therapy after the incident when he was younger when he was about thirteen uh... he did do therapy then i've suggested it to him now and he's not opposed it like if we really get into a conversation were in the group and i suggest that he's been open but then if i bring it up again you've got no i don't think i need to

yeah i think he should he's not close off to it i think he should too you might need to be here he has to i'm telling you untrue to trauma just progresses in people and it's going to be there. And again, maybe we'll find out that it's not even about this. Maybe it's something else, but I think that therapy for you guys is really huge right now. Even before you get married, I would get into it because, sweetie, if you find out that right now,

it's once a week and it's just going to get, he's going to get busier, right? You're both young, you're working in your careers, he's going to more going on, then sex could get less and less frequent. You don't want to find that out when you're already married and you've kids. You want to work on that now. So he might need somebody to get it. And I also, I'm sorry, I just also don't want him to feel like, I don't want to feel like he has to compromise that sex with me.

I don't want sex to be a compromise. More snife, right? I want to do something that he wants to do. So that's also my dilemma of just like, how do you meet me in the middle without me saying? Compromise with me on this. So there's that. But I mean like otherwise everything else in our relationship is so breaking, so beautiful and it's just something that stands out to me and it's as strong as it should.

Yeah, it is a strong difference of lovely, we just have just like desiring sex and so I get that you don't want, you know, of course, be all I want to feel desired and loved and needed and, you know, just our partner to want to want to ravish us. And I don't like that he says to you, oh, you're trying to be sexy because then that's going to be defeous. And then you might develop something

where you feel like you don't want to initiate because you feel rejected from him. And this is a common cycle that couples go through that you're not going to want to initiate rejection. This whole thing. So that's why I think the sooner that he can get into individual therapy, and if you guys who go to couples therapy or see a couples therapist and talk this stuff out, like really like once a week therapy, Michelle, not like once every three months, but like right now

do the work, you will be so grateful that you did. You say that you're talking and you're really open right now, which is amazing, but once you go into a therapy situation, it's just, it can go to another level and you'll get more answers to this a lot quicker than you will trying to talk to him and feeling rejected and which is what you've been trying to do and it's not really getting through. Because he probably feels bad that he doesn't desire it because he wants to be the perfect guy for you, which, you know, no one's, we don't never want to hurt our partners. He's not trying to not want sex to hurt you in some way.

He probably doesn't know why either. But at least if you go to therapy, you can find out that no, he actually just really wants it once a week and that's how he's going to be. Well, then you know, right? And then you know what you're working with. But right now, you're getting kind of different messages and he might not really understand it either. So I think bringing in some help, going to see it there, but together would be super helpful. And I think that it's a big thing. This is not just like us. Everything's great, but together would be super helpful. And I think that it's a big thing. This is not just like everything's great, but this, this is a really big thing.

This will impact every other area of your relationship. And it's not, I'm saying, it's not even a crisis or means that it's over. It just means that you have to give as much weight to this as if you got just diagnosed with something, like an illness and you're going to a doctor. Like this is how much attention you need to pay to making your sex healthy before you decide to marry someone

Especially when there's already a challenge right now So you have my permission to go forward and make this Something that you guys work on together and prioritize your sex life because if you don't do it now, it'll be a lot harder later Yeah, I completely agree. So, you know, I think that's something that we'll definitely try and You know, we've tried tried to be aware of it. And I've asked them to just, if we even have to schedule it, have sex every Sunday, and if that's where we have to start with each other, and just make sure that it's on our radars,

and then I'm thinking about it, and then it's exactly going to happen. And it sounds crazy to have scheduled sex for the next couple. But if that's the way that it works right now. Exactly. Exactly. I love scheduled sex because it's absolutely that it's from the front. No, no, right now. Exactly. Exactly. I love scheduled sex because it's scheduled sex is made for couples who are really busy. They can't fit in or they have different times they want to sex.

They just want to make sure they have sex because then you're not thinking about it all week. Then you know Saturday night, we can look forward to it. It's our night. You get sex, you get dressed up. You feel really good and you know that it's happening Saturday night or whatever night you decide. I'm off for scheduling sex and I'm also for finding out how would he like you to initiate sex? Like if he says,

are you trying to be sexy right now, you can say, babe, what would turn you on? Like, well, how do you find the size about me initiating sex? Like, I don't know, like maybe there's just some other ways to talk to him to kind of figure out what really does turn him on and then he could find out what really turns you on too. Yeah. Yeah. So like, kind of just change up the conversation. Keep always talking and then find yourself some therapy. Good old fashioned therapy. It's a good time, Michelle.

Yeah. You'll be so grateful. Yeah. All right. Yeah, something a good plan. Okay, good. I love it. Good luck to you.

Stick with this. Thanks, Michelle. All right. Thanks, Emily. Have a good night. Bye. Okay, guys, I love this. This call highlights so many of the challenges I hear about. One of the one you guys trauma, if there's any sexual trauma, either you or your partner, I'm telling you, it just gets progressively worse over time and you have to go into the

origins and the roots and do a sexual trauma. It just keeps rearing its ugly head until you get into it. So I think therapy and therapy is great for couples. I believe that it helps couples, it helps individuals, no matter what, trauma or no trauma. And then scheduling sex, you guys, it's brilliant. I hope that you've heard me talk about that a lot now too, and you no longer carry any stigma around scheduling sex.

And also, let your partner know specifically, if you feel like your needs aren't getting mad or you've said something a few times, or your partner has requested something of you, ask him, what does initiating sex look like to you? What does more foreplay look like to you? What does more intimacy look like? If your partner says something and you walk away going, I'm not sure what I'm doing something wrong here but I don't know what it is, it's okay to ask questions. Remember having the conversation about sex is totally new concept for most people.

That's why I'm here. That's why I do what I do. Because I want to make it easier for you guys to talk about and know that the more you talk about it and the more comfortable you are and the more you really get into that detail with your partner without blaming and shaming and just being more vulnerable and open, the better sex you're going to all have. I promise. Thanks everyone for listening. So fun. I love talking to you. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken Jenny, volunteer Sarah, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.