Sex With Emily - Don’t Fret! Manifest for Better Sex

Episode Date: January 30, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about how to manifest the sex life that you’ve been craving for 2020, and she taking your sex & relationship questions.She gives you a plan to get you and your partner on track for the sex life you deserve – only if you both have to commit, how to actually keep things going in the bedroom once you’ve gotten all the toys and outfits, and how to get past a traumatizing conclusion to a blowjob. Plus, what to do when you just can’t seem to make a relationship last longer than two years.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm talking about how to manifest the sex life you've been craving for 2020. Plus, I'm taking your sex and relationships calls. Topics include a plan to get you and your partner on track for the sex life you deserve, but you both have to commit. Okay, so you've got the lingerie and you got the toys, but how can you actually keep things going in the bedroom when there's no time left in the day? You had a traumatizing conclusion to a blowjob. How do you get past it? And you can't seem to make any relationship last longer than two years.

What is going on? All this and more, thanks for listening. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. Check out our website, sexwithemily.com. It is chock full. So many great blogs and posts and videos to help you have better sex and relationships and all social media. Find us at Sex with Emily Cross the Board.

Okay, what I've started doing this year, I'm very excited about intentions with Emily. So you know, when you said intention, what I've found, it really ground you in like, why am I spending this hour so listening to sex with Emily? Well what it means is think about what you want to get out of the episode. It could be, wow, I just need a tuna of my sex life or how do I get my partner, I sexually on the same page. We don't know where to start. My intention for the show was manifesting.

I believe that everything that we want to have happen in our life, we have to have a clear vision for it. We have to know, we have to state it, we have to think about it, and I know you all want to have improved sex and improve intimacy. So I wanted to give you guys a roadmap to manifest 2020, make it your best sexier yet.

Enjoy the show. There's a lot of talk these days about manifesting. Mm-hmm, definitely. Which I always feel like I have to sort of give it caveat when I talk in the woody terms, like, oh, meth, as a, I'm gonna let it crystal. I'm gonna let it crystal, you can't let it crystal. I'm gonna have a crystal and I'm gonna light incense and I'm gonna make shit happen. But if you think about 2020 and it is the year of clarity, 2020 vision, that also means getting clear on your sex life. So right now, wherever you're at in your sex life, if you're thinking ahead, like a year from now, say you had like a

one wish, you're like, okay, well, a year from now, I hope my sex life looks like blank. Maybe you're happy. Maybe you hope your sex life is exactly the same as it is right now, but I don't believe that's true for most people. Right. You don't want to be exactly the same it is right now, but I don't believe that's true for most people. Right. You don't want to be exactly the same in a year. No, no. It doesn't. In fact, what I believe in what I've heard from 15 years of listeners and talking to people is that typically there is something that we're either secretly or praying or hoping that somehow it's going to just get better on its own. Like, if I

just, if I'm nicer to my partner, if I initiate sex more, or if I don't talk about it, or if whatever it is, it'll get better. But nothing that is worth having gets better just by thinking about it, just by hoping. So in manifesting, what I believe, and I believe that manifesting works in the sense of writing it down, committing to it, talking about it, and speaking those words, because everything that I've ever wanted, though things have been messy in the middle, was this, you know, about my life, which I focused on was work, like this job, and like wanting to be unserious. Like I found my resolutions from like seven

years ago, and I wrote down, like, you know, I want to be unserious, and I pictured educating people around the world and hosting world conversations and all of that happens. And I think most of us are caught up and I'm not saying I don't do this but in the like, what isn't working? What's bad right now? Oh, hoping things will get better. But when you commit to words, you write it down, you manifest your sex life by talking to your partner about, hey, so what would it look like for both of us to have better sex in the new year? And so also just know this, if you're the one person in your relationship and you feel it's been all you caring the weight, first of all, that's not okay. No, you have a partner for a re, it's like your partner's not a mute, they're not incapable. They may disagree with you on some things, but I just think it's because we

are never taught how to talk to people about anything. And even when you say it, it's hard for me to do it in real life. It's hard for me too. It's hard for all of us, and it's our job. And we're not taught great communication skills and definitely around sex. So, and it's okay, too, too, to want to have this conversation. And it's okay that your sex life might not be what you want right now. Maybe it's not as frequent. Maybe you're not having as many orgasms. Maybe, you know, your penis isn't working how you want it to. It's okay.

You're not broken. You're not wrong. And it's not your fault. So just know that wherever you're at can be improved. Your sex life can get better. Right. I don't know anything that I want to do the same way for years and years and years that doesn't dwindle like I Go through spurts on everything like when I like go hiking I don't want to go on the same hike every single time I go hiking I'll get tired of that scenery eventually right that's exactly it

You and you actually have to mix it up Let's say you're hiking to get in shape or something like it's like you're, you, you, you know, you have to challenge your muscles, challenge your body. You can't get into the, to the same routine eating the same foods all the time. So just know that that's okay. And it actually means that this is the first step in manifesting your sex life in 2020 is actually recognizing that, oh, yeah, I do want more and you deserve more and you will get more.

Where is some steps here? I just wanted to walk it through with you guys and tell you deserve more and you will get more. Where if I some steps here, I just wanted to walk it through with you guys and tell you, explain to you what would be a great way to start manifesting the sex life you want. Because if you're like, what the hell should I talk about? I have no idea what I want. Or maybe you're thinking, I'm trying to think of what I would,

maybe you're thinking like, oh, it's fine. Or no, my partner will never do this. So she's crazy because I want to have an orgy. And my partner doesn't even want to have an orgy. And my partner doesn't even want to have a kiss in public or something. Or doesn't even want me to look at porn. Well, I feel like people just jump. We do jump.

It's like you can't. You think of all the reasons why something won't work and you shut it down. Exactly. How have you done that in therapy today? No, nice. I'm going tomorrow. Good, you guys. Yes, you're never done.

You're never done, you guys. It was awesome though, because what she did was she told me that she recommended something to me and that I thought of three ways why I would never be able to do it. And in that moment of recognizing it, I thought, oh, yeah, I'm doing that. I'm doing it in the moment. So, okay, so everyone, open your minds, open your hearts right now. The first step to manifest a sex life that you so desire in 2020 is just committing to getting on the same page. With your partner, both of you commit that you're going to have a conversation with your partner. And if you've never talked about sex, this is the first step. This might be for people who have

already talked about it, but I believe you could start it any time. And just say, you know what, I realize we don't have never talked about our sex life. We maybe, or maybe you have lately, but you just say, you know, I, I've never done this before. This is awkward. Or, hey, I love that we started talking about having sex once a week. Well, here's an idea for 2020. And you just have a conversation, and you start to sit in tensions about, you know, why you think this might help your relationship to fill in the blank. People want to, even if you're a single up their masturbation game, up their communication, buy some toys, a lot of different things. So make sure you that you are on the same page and you both want to do this. And one more thing

I want to say is, if you have a partner who will not talk about it, who won't talk about it and says, like, this is up to you, I think our sex life, fine. I believe that in a committed relation, you are not allowed to opt out of talking about your sex life. It's like you don't opt out of parenting. You don't opt out of, um, clean the house. You shouldn't have it well, you're right. Well, you don't opt out of saying, you know what today babe, tonight, I am no longer tucking the children in. I'm no longer driving them to work driving them to

school. And I'm not taking the summer vacation with the family. It's like, it's your commitment and your commitment and we're not even sex is also intimacy. Yeah. So remember you might want to say your intention might be you know I really miss how we used to kiss at the beginning of the relationship. Yeah. I really miss when you used to give me back rubs you know I miss that we would play together and we used to have a lot of really fun dates and, you know, so that brings us to step two. Because this is a walk down memory lane. The second step to manifest your sex life. Think about your hottest sexual memories.

Ask each other. Now you could even write this down and, you know, swap list. You could think about it for a minute or just talk it through. So let's talk about some hot sexual memories. This could be an example. And I'd like to say that it's with each other. There's a bit of a spec. Don't like, well, with my acts. Like make sure when you're thinking about it, get very clear that you're like, when I'm

reminiscing, oh, yes, no, this is with my current partner. This is not with the person that I was with three years ago, because that one not. That's just going to stop this manifestation and it's manifesting in divorce. You don't need that. Okay, so some examples, like think about, okay, so when you think about, maybe there was a time that you were taking a shower and your partner surprised you and came into the bathroom, like let's say, go to the history of showering. Hopefully, together, clean. Started like kissing the back of your neck,

touching you all over and then you felt like you were really aroused and you had sex. That would be something interesting because maybe that makes you think, oh, I really like the element of surprise. Think about what makes it memorable. Break it down. Oh, I didn't think we were having sex that day

or I didn't think you were home yet and think about why it was so hot and you get to dissect it. Or maybe, speaking of a love languages, maybe it was a time that you came home and you were dreading opening the front door because you knew that you would left the house a mess. You left dishes in the sink. You left, you know, there was laundry in the washing machine right now. But no one's gonna take it out for me, but you had laundry in the wash and everything was, you walked in, you were expecting a disaster, but you come in and your partner had cleaned the whole house and everything was in this place and you didn't expect it. And then when you saw your partner, it turned you on and you just jumped their bones.

So that means acts of service. Yeah, that's a great one. For many people, I need my partner to take care of my needs. Maybe it was words. Maybe your partner sent you something. You're like, it was like, day, you kept sending me all of those sexy texts. And then when I got home, you had reenacted, you actually followed through. And the toys were charged and you had

my glass of wine sitting there and you fed me my favorite chocolates. And it was through words of the buildup. So this is where we get to figure out what is hot for us. Like what was it about these specific moments that made it so memorable that turned you on. And then then you get to see this is making you guys well, you realize,, what do we need more of our sex life? Maybe it was a spot in 80, maybe all of your memories were in the morning. And you're like, right. Right. And your partner always initiates at night. And that's why you never have sex.

Yes. You're like, dude, light bulb moment. Oh, babe, morning sex for me is is hotter after noon sex. You know, you get, then you get to think like, oh, time of day, I felt safer, I felt it had more toy, you know, I felt it had more time. Maybe there was a new move. Like your partner, all of a sudden, like, flipped you around or, you know, did something different. Or it was the first time you use a sex toy.

Yeah, like you're like, I want to incorporate more of that and we only did the one time. So they're like, oh, yeah, remember that. Oh, you love those. I thought you hated it because you, you know, jump in the sea made a fake, you in the seat, you made a fake, you made a weird face, literally,

that's why we think shit. Like, you didn't talk about it. Maybe you never, maybe it was something you're partner tried to move. This happens all the time. Maybe your partner tried to move. And you in your head were like, oh, obviously my partner could tell that I love that move,

but you never said anything. So in their mind, they're like, I didn't think you liked it. So this kind of thing. So maybe it was after a fight. Ooh, and so heightened energies, kind of like heightened adrenaline. Yeah, the dopamine was kicking in,

so maybe it was after you worked out, climbed a mountain, did something together. The other thing to get clear on, maybe in again, giving you options, maybe you, and here's the thing, guys, don't think it has to be something crazy. It could be because your partner was at a town for two weeks and you haven't seen him and you missed them.

Yeah. That to me says, you need to create more scenarios like that, not with someone leaving for two weeks, but maybe you need more distance in your relationship. Maybe you need to keep some more mystery. Mmm, I like that. That's all about mystery. You know, you need something that's, you know, you need some time to create space that creates the harness. The other thing we love is the yes, no, maybe list.

What that is is, we'll have that in the show notes. The yes, no, maybe it's on our website. If you're like, yeah, Emily, I want to spice it up, but I don't know what to put on our mask manifesting list. Yes, no, maybe list gives you literally every sex thing act, move, gesture that you have thought about in your life or that you maybe even haven't thought about and that you've heard about it's there. So you can say, you each take it, take the quiz, the test, whether the yes,

no, maybe, and you say, okay, yes, I want want you know, yes, no, maybe dwell on we're speaking and you're yes and speaking Maybe your partner wants more spanking and you're both yeses and you didn't know right? Yeah, I can be like bondage. It could be oh, we have a good podcast that came out about bondage. Yes. It's called they call me bond bondage Yeah, sorry, I'm very proud of you. Jamie. That's a great title And maybe you want What is it more kissing you want to try anal you want, what is it, more kissing? You want to try anal, you want to watch more porn. I mean, it literally has like 50 things on the list.

Then you get to both look at that list and then maybe just look at your yeses. Maybe you have some, you both have similar babies and then pull out a few things on that list and that's where you get your commitment. So maybe you pull out three things that you're going to work on for the next year. Yeah. And you're like, and then you just have to agree to that. Maybe it's one. You guys, don't put pressure on yourself because you've probably never done this before. The third step created check-in list because now

that you've figured out what it is that your sex life could use some more of, now you've got to set it up on a check-in list. Maybe you share a note, you share a Google Doc, you both had it right down your calendar, or three months from now we're gonna check in, and then you start implementing these changes. And I think you both have to put on your calendar that in a month from now, I like a month from now.

Now I think when things are a few months, it just, because this is also a new habit. Yes. So remember that change is not easy. Everything that worth, everything that is worth having in life takes discipline. It takes time, it takes commitment. And for me, it always takes someone helping me. Without my team, you guys, I would not be here every single day without everybody helping,

you know, along this vision. So you got to check in, take some stuff from the Estonate maybe list, you know, and just start working on them. And if anything, you're gonna have a great conversation. If you can't finish it one night, you can circle back in a week. Well, yeah, because I feel like people call in all the time and they say, well, I talked to my partner about this

and then nothing happened. It's like, well, because no one initiated it. You can talk about it, but then he's like, well, you brought it up, so you should initiate it, but in my mind, it's like, well, you brought it up, so you should initiate it, but in my mind, it's like, no, I brought it up, so now you should do it. Exactly. Jamie, you just encapsulated it perfectly. That's exactly what happened.

So I recommend talking about it, and remember, it is not a one-time conversation. What I'm hoping is this conversation sparks a bunch of others, and that eventually I won't have to remind you. Well, and I think it's funny, too, because we always think like, we never remember conversations every single one that we have, or we do remember it, but then like life gets in the way. So even when you're talking about something mundane, like your favorite grocery store, someone might forget three months later. Absolutely.

Or I told you this was my favorite movie or my favorite thing, or we had that conversation. People don't remember. We're all busy and distracted. So give your partner the benefit of the doubt, sweep all that negativity, contempt, that you have your, well, contempt is tough. But anger, resentments you have with your partner aside and say, well, I'm just gonna try this out. See what happens, maybe Emily is right.

Maybe her team's really gonna help me have the sex that I want. If you're thinking maybe Emily's right, just free thinking Emily is right. I am right. I am right, you guys. I don't know. I just think in a year from now,

I wanna be in a different place, you know? I like movement, I like better sex. Yeah. I am right. I am right you guys. I don't know. I just think in a year from now I want to be in a different place. You know, I like movement. I like better sex. Yeah. I like growth. I'm trying to grow mentally more so than physically right now, I guess. It's amazing. I see that you're doing the work.

You told me a long time ago, it took a while to click for me, but it finally clicked. Yeah. So it takes some time. You guys, again, we got to plant the seeds of this, right? Talking to you about going to therapy and stuff. We're gonna take a quick break and we come back onto your calls. We're gonna talk to, I want to talk to Karen 38

in South Carolina. What's going on Karen? Thanks for calling. Yeah, hey Emily, I'm just gonna talk to, I want to talk to Karen 38 in South Carolina. What's going on Karen? Thanks for calling. Yeah, hey Emily, I'm actually talking about six or eight weeks ago. OK. I'm just about my husband and I been together 18 years. We were just kind of getting to the point where sex wasn't as often. It was really great when we were together, but worried about the frequency.

And you said, I think with four kids Maybe your husband has anxiety like you should probably get away That was super great advice. We did that and Absolutely worked, but my question for you tonight is How can I apply that in our daily life because we can't always go away? Right, but they're working for some you know, we have four kids all I can assume that so can't apply that in our daily life because we can't always go away. Right. Both are working for them. You know we have four kids but I'm gonna say that so yes we can go. My case is fantastic but what can we do on a regular basis to make things that's

adding it up? Let me just like you know I bought some outfits and some things and he loved it. Like I had seen him set excited and it really went down. Yeah wow Karen amazing. This is great. Yeah I just want to know what to do to keep that going on. Okay. Well first I think the thing is first of all that's all I thank you Karen. I love the story. I love so happy for you guys.

And so I feel like the important thing to do is so what you did was you went out of town and you prioritize your relationship with each other over everything, over the kids. And you know, you were like, we are going to pay attention to our relationship. So what you have to do is you have to have a date night once a week that is not negotiable.

Like it doesn't matter what else is happening. It just as important as a holiday, you know, as a meeting with your accountant, like, you don't cancel it. You got to get a babysitter. Maybe the babysitter takes the kids out of the house. Maybe you've got in-laws, your parents, like, you need to have that time because that will give you more time. Like, you know, if you're like, we don't have time, it's so busy with the kids, but that is just really important. That's one thing. Like, can you do that? Yeah, yeah, since my one suggestion was I get a day off during the week and then he has the option to the

young business and business to work on a Saturday which I work on Saturdays and I think all the kids go to school on Thursday. That's perfect. Yeah, it's been almost been one day on Saturday. Yes, I think you should told that would be great. And then that would be your day that you guys get. And like, I love that it's the day. Like how great they would have gift that you could have that day. And then like, maybe you guys could start talking.

Here's the other thing Karen. So that works. What I would say is continue your talk about this. Like when you least say, even if you guys are exhausted, you'd be like, I'm thinking about like, what was the highlight from you about the time when you went away? Like, what happened That you could bring up again in detail Something said you know something that happened and then like build upon that like where can you guys go next with your sex life

Like what else would be hot and like keep talking about it with each other keep it top of mind I honestly think and he even said to me he's like, we're not in an awful kid. You know, I think he worries about. Yeah. I hear all that kind of stuff. You know, they're a little older than I kind of think. Yeah, it's really hard to let go when there are kids around. I got it. I get it.

So I think Thursday's your answer. For sure, good place to start. And then is there a way that like, I don't know that you guys could do something. I mean, I guess it's, you guys listen, with the kids, kids, you're gonna have to learn how to be really focused with each other and time to if you can wake up earlier in the morning

or later at night or like put a lock on your door, they're old enough, you know what I mean? Like whatever will give a peace of mind. And then maybe there's cookies to have, maybe there's, you know, keep feeling the fire with new exciting things to try. Like we talked earlier, if you go to the store, go shopping with him.

Maybe there's stuff that he's into. You could take it. I think I just, I guess the second part of my question is I don't want him to get bored and just say, hey, let's look at this website together. You know, like not bored, but just likeys or whatever yeah so do that he was he was definitely into it which was surprising to me it's like yeah I think that might be fun what great you know and we haven't done that but you know it's very good trying to keep us on and exciting well that's great

I mean listen oh that's good. So you went to a website together and you looked at stuff and you read things together. You know, you could, yeah, share something that you find interesting. Like, you know, we've got tons of blog posts on our site. You guys could listen to podcasts together, listen to the show together. There's some great books. When you're alone and bed together, go to sexwithm.le.com. We've got a store there.

You guys can look for some things and see what's interesting to him, what's interesting to you, you can shop in bed, everyone else does it, right? Keep the fire bird and keep the pilot light lit for both of you. And then you're just getting up. There are sex games that are so fun, Karen. They're literally like there's one called monogamy, like monopoly, but it's monogamy. And you play like a board game. So just get curious.

Look at things. There's sex dice, there's lots of things. So Karen, I love this enthusiasm, and get a subscription box. We have a date night subscription box that you can get four times a year, a sex family box, and then you know with three months, you're like, all right, we've got a bunch of things to play with.

You know, so just look for how you guys learn together and what keeps it interesting. All right, Karen, thanks for calling. Appreciate it. So glad that that was. This was helpful to you. Okay, let's talk to Katie, 25 in California. Hey Katie, thanks for calling.

Hello. Hi. Ask me away. Ask away. How can I help? So my husband obviously really like oral and everything. And I try to do my best, but when I was with an ex, he could just traumatize me. And he came in my mouth without telling me

and it was the first time that I had ever done it. And it just kind of ruined it. And I try to get over it. But I have a really hard time. Okay. So, and I feel really bad because he's really good about giving me oral and I feel bad because I try to do it and sometimes I just can't

bring myself really. Right. Well, Katie, that makes total sense. I'm really sorry that this happens to you because that's what happens, Katie. Sometimes like women or men have a really bad experience with some sex act and they're like, I can't and it literally is a trauma.

So I'm glad you recognize that. So the thing is you can actually work on moving past this and kind of practicing. So does he know why you're not able to give a moral to completion? Yeah, he does. You're like, I had a bad experience. Yeah, I told them what happened.

Okay, so I think what would be just a cool thing to do is to maybe just practice without expectation that you have to go all the way and be like, you know, babe, I want to learn, I want to like train on you. You know, I want to like figure out how to get there, but like baby steps so you can just like, maybe put a whole promise, you have a make a commitment He's not going to ejaculate in your mouth without telling you like he will never do that. Yeah, how's he told you that? But maybe you need to know you won't do it right, but maybe you need him to maybe you like tent like need him to say that to you when you guys are Ectin or just hanging out and you talk about this to him and say you know what?

I'm ready to try it again because I think this is a conversation that you should have outside the bedroom about it because it's how long have you been with your boyfriend, your husband you said. Yeah, it's my husband. Okay, so you put your pants together two years. Okay, so yeah, I think this is like next time you guys are to dinner or hanging out and be like, you know what, I've been thinking about the oral sex thing.

And I really want to be able to perform so I'm thinking what we could do is, and you just tell me that, you know, it's really not gonna happen and just to be, go patient with me, well, I try and you could just kind of, maybe just start licking him, licking his penis, or start putting it in your mouth, use some lube,

like some flavored lube that tastes good. I recommend we love mues lube, but like literally does taste like mint chocolate and then there's like a creme brulee. Anyway, it just will make you not as focused on your taste and then Just practice with your hand and your mouth and then just stop do it for like a minute 30 seconds. However it feels But there's also no pressure Katie also like do it as much as you're ready Maybe you just want to use your hand for a while and just put your mouth at the tip

Maybe you want to use your both of your hands. I'm telling you hand hand jobs with a lot of loop feel amazing and maybe you just use your hands and lick the tip. So that would be the way that you could gradually build up to getting your confidence back around the oral. How does that sound? And talk to him about it. It'll be like a good project. He'll appreciate it and I think you'll be able to get through this with a partner that you love and that's trusting. Okay. Okay. Thanks, Katie. Let me know how it goes. Okay. I really want to talk to John 54 in Nevada.

Hi. How can I help you? Hi, Emily. I love you, show. Thanks, John. I've called in a couple of times before and I would just, you know, my thing that I'm going through that maybe you can help me with. I'm 54 years old and up until my 20s and 30s, I was very twice in the

worst in my 20s. Big time partier. It was really easy, seemed like, you know, I could be single, think for cool or I'd meet someone and we hook up and we've been living together in 30 days for the last 20 years. OK. The last 20 years, I've spent in recovery, a lot more sound mind, blah, blah, blah, did some therapy. But I keep getting in relationships that last about a year and a half to two years

that are freaking great. We go on vacations, we hang out weekend, always comes to a point where the person I'm dating wants to eventually obviously move in or get engaged or married or something. And I've had it said more than once, it would be like, John, if I would be willing to come and stay on Thursday, it'll stay for the next 10 years,

I honestly believe you. And I really would like to be in love and get married. But somehow or another, when it gets that point, I just don't have the desire with that person to move up. What am I doing wrong? Well, John, I have a question for you because you cut out for a second. Did you say if they came their Thursday to Sunday, is that what you said that you'd be okay with it, or you wouldn't be?

Say what you said again that they've come up and... Like, let's say we were dating and you come to my house on Friday and we hang out for the weekend and you go home on a Sunday and we text and we've been dating we go on a vacation out and then and it's 18 months later and Emily wants to move in you know or Emily wants the ring or whatever and I pick women that are good women that are independent and they're not afraid to walk away. Okay, but John, I will let him walk away instead of commit.

Okay, well, John, here's a thing. Okay, so I want to know like, because typically when we keep coming up against the same thing up against it again, there's something in you, John, when you say you've done the work and recovery and stuff like that, which I think is amazing. I love that work.

I love that 12 steps and all those things, but I'm curious, like, you know, first off, maybe you don't want a traditional relationship. Like there's nothing wrong with it. Like what I thought you said, the reason why I asked you to repeat it is I thought you said that maybe she said, well, I bet you'd be happy. This is maybe in my mind. What was I was thinking? If I came to visit you Wednesday through Sundays every week

and I thought you were like, yeah, that wouldn't mind that. Because what I'm hearing is maybe you don't want the traditional, you move in with me, we're together forever, but maybe you want something a little more flexible. Maybe you want more space. Do you want that? You really want an additional relationship.

Because then if you do, if there's another place to go with this, yeah? Do you want that? You really want a traditional relationship. Because then if you do, there's another place to go with this. Yeah. Right. Well, no, I think my sincerity inside, I've had one relationship I was in at one point that I, you know, went out. I got the ring.

I mean, I could tell her I loved her 10 times today. It wasn't like I was choking to do it. I was glad to do it. I was glad to do it. And I would like to have that again, but I just don't, and it didn't land right. You know, we didn't make it to the finish line, but I just haven't. I think you have, John, I think.

The only time I ran in. This is what's gonna help you. If you get really clear right now, and what exactly you want, what that relationship looks like, like, write it out. Who's this woman? What are her character traits? What does it actually look like?

And then when you meet someone next, you won't date them for a year and a half. You'll start asking those, you'll start having real conversations at the beginning because at 54 years old and you've been dating a long time, you have to steer this ship. It's just like anything. It's like a business. If you don't have a business plan, your business is going to happen. If you have a clearer vision for what kind of relationship you want, the same thing's happening, and you throw your hands up, I can't commit. Well, it sounds like the relationship isn't going along

how you want it, and you might not even know how you want it. That makes sense. John. Only I pick really good. I've got it. It doesn't matter if they're good, but yeah, but it's not working for you. So I'm saying it's the it's the yeah, no, the only thing that isn't working is the X factor. It's like that thing that makes you want to say I love you. It's that feeling that makes you, you know, if I got to sit and make a pros and cons list on whether I want to marry you or not, we already know the

answer. It's that X factor feeling and how the fuck are you supposed to know that right from jump street? You know, it takes a little time, but then after time I just can't seem to find us somehow or no. Yeah, I know, I hear what you're saying. In fact, I had this conversation this morning with a girlfriend who just spoke up with someone and they were together for a year. And she's like, he's had a series, he's like 40 something, he's had a series of your

relationship, series of it. He says he wants to get married, but he's just not sure. And I have a lot of guy friends like this. And John, all I can say is like, we are saying like, what is it? And I think what I think is that there's just something still, either you accept that this is John, you're going to date different people and it's not going to look traditional. You're going to have a very full life with other things in it. Are you going to get into a different kind of growth therapy? I, for me, EMDR was huge. I've been doing it the last nine months. It's like trauma therapy.

We all have it. It's really getting into it. And even in the deeper work that you could do about, you're going to find out, I suppose if you really want a relationship, like, what are those blocks for you? Comment an issue, something that happened to your parents' divorce. I thought I was done. I've been out there with my whole life and I'm still peeling back layers. So if you, because I believe that if you really, really want a relationship, you have one.

But if you're still closed off emotionally in some way, John, like you still have a wall up that has not gone down yet, there's still place where you haven't been vulnerable. You're meeting all these women. I don't believe that you're showing them who you really are. You're still holding back. I believe that to be true. And then you'd really, if you go deeper, that would allow you to feel more, you know, feel your feelings more. And I'm not sure that you've got done that work yet from someone who took me a while. I spent some time in therapy a few years ago and I actually went back. I go see a therapist now once a month for like a more of a life coach.

That doesn't work. Once a what it's like going to the gym. Have you ever gone to the gym once a month? It's a waste of money and time. So there helps for that purpose, but I'm not there for this kind of well, if you will John Okay, you've two choices and then I listen John if you're telling me right now Emily I'm really upset because I am so ready. I'm willing to do anything it takes to find that woman in my life I'm 54 enough. This bullshit. I'm gonna do something different. I'm gonna go to some deep work in therapy

I'm gonna stick to it for every week for the next six months. I'm not gonna miss it. Like it's my golf game. Like it's my beer night. My mom's birthday. Like you are fucking committing to that therapy and I promise you After a few months even you're gonna know Why that is. At least you're gonna be on a different path. You won't keep repeating this. You're gonna be able to do some more Some more work. But if you're like, you know what? Fuck that. That's a lot of work. And you know what? I like my life single.

I just want a few women hanging out with, then that's okay, too, John. But I believe that you can get, we can all get whatever we want if we put effort behind it. Okay, John? I got you. All right.

I got you, man. Good to hear from you again, John. Yeah, of course. I mean, if you all the time, I remember John, John, we've been through a lot with John. This is what I love. This year-long relationship.

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