Sex With Emily - Don't Go Changing Your Heart

Episode Date: January 10, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and helping you discover ways to be your new sexual self. She's giving her insights as to why taking time after a breakup is crucial for your sexual and mental health, how to tell your partner you need more foreplay in bed without it turning into a joke, why it’s better to cut ties than to hope you can change someone, and how to retrain that dating muscle and confidently get back in the game after a long-term marriage. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: UVee, Shop With Emily, Intensity, JO Jellies Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and talking all things sex and relationships. Topics include, New Year's Resolutions to discover your new sexual self. Why taking time after a breakup is crucial for your sexual and mental health. Have a finally get the message across to your partner that you really need that for a play and it ain't no joke. Why it's better to cut ties and to hope you can change someone and how to confidently get back into the dating game after a long-term relationship. All this and more, thanks for listening. Our sacred institutions, Ben Ruins, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm gonna feel so drunk.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to our website, sexwithemily.com, check out all the content we put up every day, blogs, videos, posts,

the podcasts are all there. You can easily subscribe. And we're also on social media. I know you are. Check us out at sexual.net, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter. So happy New Year, everyone. It's a New Year. And we've got some things to cover to set you off on the right foot. But first I want to mention that in case you missed this, as of January, California became the first date in the United States to allow a non-binary gender on birth certificates and the second to offer on drivers license. So people who aren't easily defined as male or female will finally be recognized for who they are on their legal documents, which is a big step forward for California and the

nation. And this reminded me of an awesome podcast I did that you will enjoy back in October. I hosted around, around table podcast. And we focused on gender fluidity and what this means, what pronouns to use, challenges they face, dating stories, it's really entertaining and educational and a good time. We had some great guests.

Check it out. It's called Go With The Gender Flow. Okay, so since it's new years, I know that you're probably, maybe you're thinking about right new year's resolutions. I'm not a huge fan of like those those resolutions where you set the bar really high and you're like, I'm going to go to the gym every day. I'm going to meditate, you know, every day and I'm going to call my mom once a week and all these things that are like so set in stone that I feel like we just set ourselves up for failure. At least I have. I set

the bar so high. I mean, there's no way we're going to do anything like that every single day. And so I think that we have to be realistic and try to make progress where we can. If it's weekly, we're making little steps forward. And a year from now, that's going to be a lot of progress. So that's why I was never about the black and white, like quit this or do this.

But I have to say, when it comes to relationships and sex, this is a good time of year to kind of be evaluating where you're at in a relationship and where you want to go. So I'm going to give you a few ideas here. Let them think in. Think about it. I think some are going to resonate with you and these changes are little things that you can do and they'll make a huge difference. So these are my thoughts about some things to consider this year. The first thing is to resolve conflicts in the relationship. When I say conflicts, you know,

usually when I hear the word conflict, I think, oh, we had a huge knockdown dragout fight, but like, what about your partner leaving the dishes in the sink? That can be annoying. That can be a conflict, especially if it happens all the time. And you've told them all the time, like, really? Is that your fork? Because

that's not my fork. And it's still there. And it drives you crazy. But you don't say anything. Does that ever happen to you? And then, like, six months go by. And there's probably been other things too, right? Like, barge your card and fill it with gas, you know, store your iPhone charger. And these annoyances, they build up and they create this like arsenal of resentment And you just want to blow up your partner and two of the biggest killers of our sex drives and our relationships are Resetments when we've resentments and we withhold things from our partners So I would like you to think about this year if you have something that's going on with your partner a gripe or concern Making a goal to resolve these conflicts as soon as they happen.

Now this is a practice. It might not happen the first few times. You might even go home after hearing this tonight and be like, that's goddamn dish and then get on your phone or leave the house and not say anything because it's not easy. The reason why we have to remind ourselves to actually have confrontations with our partner and have discussions is because it's not easy to do and we think it's so much easier to avoid, avoid, avoid until it's not and it blows up. So in the moment, take this opportunity to decide, you can even talk to your partner

right? So you know what? I don't want to blame. I don't want to shame. Let's just try to talk about things. I won't be mad. You know, if you have to bring things up and let's try to move past it because I promise you, they will build up over time.

And so once you kind of nip them when they're like coming up in the moment it will make it for a much more peaceful 2018 to resolve these conflicts. The other thing to think about is expressing more gratitude. So while you might be very distracted by the dishes piling up in the sink and the late fee on the, you know, on the bills that you're paying together or partner saying it's going to bring dinner and doesn't. True, but when these things happen, it's so much easier just to remember the negative stuff and then we harp on that and then they become even bigger and then everything they do, like the brushing the teeth drives you crazy.

So if you want to sprinkle in some gratitude and think, you know what, I'm going to pledge to recognize the things that my partner does that are actually nice. And in the moment, and I'll even tell them. And then my two corny to say, oh, I appreciate you or thank you for, even if they are putting their dishes away now, you could say thank you for putting your dishes away or thank you for cleaning up the sink, I appreciate that. And when you focus on the positive,

it can truly shift the entire energy and tenor of your relationship. This isn't one of those just like paint everything in rainbows and smile and be happy and positive. It's really. This isn't one of those just like paint everything in rainbows and smile and be happy and positive. It's really like if you think of all the energy you're spending on the negative, you're still with your partner

and I'm sure there's some really great things about them. They don't even know that you appreciate and it's a practice that you realize it truly does shift things and change the energy and you might even be appreciating your partner way more than you are annoyed with them. My other suggestion is to masturbate mindfully. And we all knock one out now and then.

We have a few minutes, we just want to get off, I get it, we do that. And as you guys know, it's totally healthy to masturbate whether you're in a relationship or not. Masturation feels good, it relieves stress, it keeps our sexual energy going, we feel like our libido's been a little locked luster lately

and we start to have more sex or masturbate than we want more. But the thing about having a mindful practice around masturbation is that it really expands your sexual confidence. A lot of you ask me questions about how do I get more confident bad? How do I feel better around my body?

How do I, all these things? And it starts with you knowing actually your own body, it will make you feel good and having self-awareness around that. And it does build the confidence because you know, you're like, I know what I need and what feels good. And it teaches about all the potential

that your body has for pleasure because it is limitless. So, master me without a purpose, without the goal of organizing, if orgasm happens, that's awesome. You can explore new ways to touch yourself, shout out distractions, like leave your cell phone in the other room if you can, turn off the TV,

and the more you do this, the more like, confident you're gonna get, the more you're gonna feel more in your body, and you'll be able to share it with your partner too, all the things that you've learned. And finally, here's another one, Tad of this, resident with you. Have more connected sex. Well, what do I mean by that?

I mean, like, when we get lost in our thoughts and in our minds during sex, it happens to me, it happens to you, could you tell me all the time it does that we think about our to-do lists or there's a noise at this traccess or we can't believe that, you know, are we gonna be done in time because there's something we have to get to

or we worried about orgasm and we just get locked in our heads and we might be physical with our partner but we're not connected. It's the intimacy's gone, even though you're having sex. Those are two very different things, sex with that intimacy. So to enhance intimacy, which I think a lot of us

are missing in a relationship, just try going slower. Try going a little bit slower during sex, so I'm going everything down, and some eye gazing. Gazing into each other's eyes during sex doesn't have to be creepy. It can actually bring you closer and enhance intimacy. So doing a few of these things,

like to enhance intimacy, slowing down, looking into each other's eyes, you might find if you look into each other's eyes, like your breath might synchronize, which is a really cool thing. When you slow it down, breathe, it's kind of this perfect cocktail of connection and you'll feel like, oh, I do feel more intimate

connected to my partner. I won't feel like we're just hitting and quitting it. Because we don't want that, right? So think about some of those things as you head into the new year, your new sexual self in 2018 and let me know how it goes. I'm so glad you guys are with me for another year.

This is gonna be a great one. Thank you everyone for supporting our sponsors. We're gonna give a quick shout out to them. Thank you everyone for supporting them. You're amazing. They love you. I love you. God, we're all so in love.

They're such fun things in our site. So check out our sponsors. Thank you for supporting the show. We'll be right back. So, okay, we've got some callers coming up and I'm really excited to talk to them and thank you everybody for always submitting your questions and for being available for calls. Text me your question to 7979-7979 and all you got to do is text Ask Emily. That's one word to 7979-7979.

You'll get a form back and you can easily fill it out and send your question. You can also do the website, sexelamy.com via the Ask Emily tab. And if you'd like to be called, there's a box you can check and say yes, I would like to be called for the show. And as always, including information that helps me help you, your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to this show. And I can't wait to hear from you. Okay, we have Lydia on the phone. She's 29. she's from Missouri, and she's dealing with a lot of family and relationship challenges right now. Hi, Lydia.

Hi, Emily. How are you today? I'm good. I'm good. Thanks for calling in. How can I help you? Tell me what's going on. Well, as you just mentioned, that I am kind of going through a lot, and I am kind of just

wanting to get your advice on, and I know this may seem a silly question to kind of ask is just, I'm having a hard time trying to regain kind of a sexual identity with myself and just find the sexual confidence to be able to be confident in the bedroom and just be confident with other partners. Right. Okay. Tell me the background. I'll do it.

Oh yeah. Go ahead. I am recently coming out of a 10 year relationship with my high school sweetheart. We've been married for five years and we've been together for ten. Our history together has been kind of interesting. He was the first person that I was ever in a relationship with sexually and kind of my first everything into the sexual world. My first background into just being sexual was actually in the work environment when I used to work at House floor selling text toys.

Oh, okay. And the first time I've ever was really exposed deeper into that scene was helping other customers in situations of pleasure and then some of trouble and just being able to just fulfill their lives sexually that way. Okay, and now you find yourself years later in this position. In the same situation. Right. Okay. Well, at least you know that you're going to get through this.

You're going to work on it. It'll be okay because you know how to help people. So that's good. You've got that. So that was like 10 years ago then or before when you were in high school, you worked there? Yes. Okay. Got it. When did it end with your husband?

It just ended probably like a couple of months ago. It's officially. Okay, got it. Got it. You're still kind of pending divorce life. Got it. Okay, so it's still really, it's still really new. I mean, you're going through the transition.

You guys just ended it three months and it's probably been happening for a while. But so, know that. Know that right now you're in transition. Tell me more about your sexual identity and like what you're feeling right now because you know, my first thing is wow, what a great time for you to get back in touch with your body and what makes you feel good as a woman at 29, you know, all your sexual experiences sounds like the last 10 years with your husband since you were 19. So a lot happens in those years, right? So my first thing is that's what I would tell you is to just really focus on getting your confidence back

and understanding your body and orgasm and all that stuff. But it sounds like there's some other things as well. Because I don't know that you necessarily need to start dating right now, if that's the pressure that's going on or what do you specifically you struggling with right now, that's the pressure that's going on, or what do you specifically use struggling with right now? I think it's just being able to accept the fact that in a way I've done nothing wrong, it's throughout my relationship with my ex, it's with him being bisexual and with everything

kind of going on in the sense of we never communicate it during sex. He never asked me for sex anymore. It just kind of makes me feel like a failure as a woman and as a partner with being able to provide that special experience. And I know right now I am not ready for dating because I need to focus on myself. I never personally, this is the first time in my life, I focused on myself.

Right, good. But it just kind of makes me nervous to really explore myself because I know I just had that one big experience, but it was all throughout my main 20s. So in your husband was bisexual and there was some verbal abuse, physical abuse verbal. To me it sounds abusive. Making you feel like you weren't satisfying him and you're coming out of this trauma it sounds like. If ten years together and to feel like you weren't able to satisfy him, that's really

heavy. And so I'm sorry you had to go through that, Lydia. So I think that there are some messages in your brain right now that makes you feel less than even though it's not true. It's still what happened to you. Was it more like sexual satisfaction, not pleasing him? Is there any more background? Yeah, and just the fact that being able to actually get into the mood sexually because

another thing is that I've been a caretaker all my life. I've taken care of my mom with cancer over two years and I took care of my grandmother for all timers all throughout my high school career while beginning to date him. And I just never had really the sex drive because my priorities were elsewhere. I viewed it as sex as a chore. And especially when I used to work at Hussler, I viewed it as work. Right. And so trying to rewire my thoughts to allow myself to think that sex can be a pleasurable thing instead of just basically lying there and just letting it just happen and just be

there as a body instead of... Exactly. Well, I mean, I'm just... I'm sorry. Exactly. No, I understand everything. Okay. So, this is really like a awakening for you. It sounds like you're having a sexual awakening or we're going to get you on that path right now. And so, I would go back then to my first thought is that you really need to get to know your body, Lydia, and like who you are now. It feels like you might never have gotten

to know it. So, I feel like a mindful masturbation practice where you're, we've only got the goal of orgasm. Cause I don't want you to put any pressure on yourself. And I also, I want you to just, you know, if it's, maybe there were things in the past that turned you on or maybe like reading a rhodica or watching porn or thinking thoughts that, you know,

make you feel good or even if it's just taking a bath, playing music, setting the atmosphere in your house, you have a sexy space where you start to just touch yourself again and make yourself feel good. And I would also get massages right now and surround yourself with people, with your body moving again.

I don't know if you exercise or if you do anything like that. I do, it's been very therapeutic. I do it constantly, like five, six times. Okay, awesome. That's so important. So you're already moving. And I would say that you need some breath, some deep breathing and mindful masturbation, where you're just going deep into your body and you are waking it up again.

And without the pressure of orgasm, without the pressure of finding a partner, just doing you. Like right now is about, I really want you to learn the art right now of saying no to and knowing what the priorities are, what the priorities you right now, and getting your Lydia into the healthy adult space where you can go out and start dating and living your life. I don't know how you learn or if there's certain books or things. I mean, how does that sound to you first of all, even touching yourself? Is there a repulsion or do you feel like you could get into that?

How did that track? No, it's not a repulsion at all. I know the one thing that I know I do need to work on is I know that I mentioned in the email that usually whenever I need to masturbate, it's just to check to see if it works. And so just very quick and just not being able to actually fully enjoy it.

So right, right. It's a mindful masturbation. I definitely feel I would need to do to reconnect something. Right. Yeah, no, it is. And you know what? You've gone through this extreme example. There's so many women who I hear from all the time who just we get so to all of us, we

get disconnected from our bodies. Whether we have kids or we're stressed with work or work, just whatever it is in life, it's the first thing that goes, right? Like with men oftentimes, like, you know, they could be, they could still have their sex drive, but for women, we're literally disconnected. So that's why I'm saying that there's some deep breathing and just feeling into your pelvic floor, doing your key exercises is literally like not only strengthening your pelvic floor, but it also just wakes up, you know, your whole pelvic floor, your whole region where all the magic happens.

So I feel like that's what you gotta start with. If you feel like you're kind of doing loops and not feeling great about yourself because your self-esteem has taken a hit, we can't minimize the fact that 10 years or someone and you're hearing these messages and thinking these things about yourself. So I think finding a good therapist and even a sex therapist would be amazing because a lot, you know, if you do feel like you want to talk about some of this sex stuff, that would be really helpful, along with like, with your workouts, like prioritizing this as well, and whatever it works for once or twice a week, and then it's like, it kind of is like working out at least for me, it is too.

When you masturbate, you want to have more of it. You want to keep having orgasms, you want to, so I again, go slow, you know, it is a, not a marathon, you know. So sprint. It's not a marathon. I was like, what did I say? So you just, I would say step by step, take care of yourself. This is a, I think it's going to be a great opportunity. And you're going to look back on yourself, even a year from now, you're going to make so much progress. But three months is not very long for you to be out of it. So I think maybe go back to hustle or go back back to one of the stores go on our web You hear me talk about toys on the show all the time and

You know just find some things to make you feel gets get some ticklers some feathers Draw bubble baths and like use all these sensations. I know these kind of sounds cliche sometimes like oh I'm gonna do a bubble bath and play some music But that is like that's all of our senses like I want you to awaken all of your senses right now Because it's all connected to your sexuality. So doing that in your home and then also talking to someone seeing a therapist if you haven't, I think this is ideal time to do it.

You don't have to do this all on your own. I don't really have a therapist. I was thinking about getting a sex therapist to try to be able to focus on those different components of my life. Yeah, I think that, I mean, honestly, I would look, I would look into it. I don't know you're in Missouri.

Oh, yeah. OK, where are you in your state, Lewis? Yes. I'm trying to think if I know it. Let me think about this, and I can have my team circle back if I know someone there. But yeah, I think that you'd be able to find someone there and try to find the help that you need.

But again, I just want you to be kind to yourself. And this is the only beginning. You're going to do good. Okay. Thank you so much, Emily. You're so welcome, Lydia, and I'm best of luck to you and keep me posted. Thank you. We'll do.

Okay. Have a good day. Bye, you too. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Lydia, that's interesting. You know, this call made me think about how whenever we're going through something,

when we're in it, when we're in a crisis, I mean, it could be a breakup, a death, losing our job, whatever it is, we have this tendency that we should just feel better already, like a few days, few months, and it really takes time when you're in something like this, and there's just an amazing weight that can be lifted when you take the pressure off yourself without a timeline, and you just go back to who you are. And because we don't put ourselves first and prioritize our own mental health and wellbeing and sexual health. No one else is going to do it for us. So just remember that. You guys go easy on yourselves. Okay. We have Lisa. She's 28 from Australia. And her long term boyfriend isn't being considered of her needs in the bedroom. Lisa, I'm so glad we're talking about this. Hi

Hi, Emily. How you going? Oh, good. I love that you're in Australia. We get to talk. It's so fun. I love your show. Oh, thank you I love it. Thank you for listening. We have a lot of Australian listeners. So shout out to all of them. Yeah Great. Gotta come visit. So tell me what's going them. You do, you do. It's great. Gotta come visit. So tell me what's going on. You've been through Boivin' for 10 years. Mm-hmm. Okay. So we've always had, I guess, a very healthy sex life.

However, more recently, I find that he's becoming a little bit complacent in terms of the full play area of sex. So he's always just going straight in for it rather than I guess focusing on some of the keeps seeing the touching. Right, the requirements that women have. A lot of people have. That's right. Yeah.

Okay. And you've talked to him about it. I have to talk to him about it, but I find that he, it's almost like he forgets. And I'm sort of stuck with how to sort of guide him through it. I have mentioned it a few times, but I feel like I'm sort of showing him a lot in terms of full play that I can sort of do with him to try and show him that I sort of want the

same thing from him. Right. And he's not picking up the clues. No. Right. Okay. Well, just so you know, that's common. It's really, first of all, let me tell you everything that you're going through is more normal

than not. More common than not. I hear from people who've been together for a few years. And the relationship, sex life changes after you're with someone for up to two years, six months to two years. It's going to take some shifting. So that happens. But also what you're saying right now about trying to show him, and you can't read the signs. It's very common with sex because you know, you're trying to teach him to change something that he probably feels very confident in in many ways. And so it's really, and we all learn differently.

Yeah, we'd hope that he'd be like, oh, she's giving me a massage and giving me a two hour blowjob. Oh, I should probably go down in her, but no, they're not necessarily thinking that. So I would say that maybe you take some of this like outside the bedroom and have some talks with him where you're talking about your,

you guys ever talk about your sex life, like just fun things you wanna do or fantasies or what turns you on. and have some talks with them where you're talking about your, you guys ever talk about your sex life, like just fun things you wanna do, or fantasies, or what turns you on. Yeah, definitely, we do quite often, but I think for some reason, it always turned into a bit of a joke, and then this serious factor from that sort of discipline and we just have a gig or about it.

Oh, let's say, right, it's less serious, yeah, so I'm just, okay, yeah, but it sounds like it's getting pretty serious for you, because, you know, we're talking. So, I mean, I think that if there's a way to talk to them, let them know that it's like, I don't know if you guys share your, you say, you don't really turn me on. Like, I fantasize about you or I think about you. You know, when you go down, when you go down on me, like, I, or whatever it is that you need or making out with you or the things that I fantasize about, it's not just that I want that as a precursor to sex, it's actually part of sex.

I mean, we define sex so narrowly, right? It's just like PV, penis and vagina. But sex can be anything, and I think that a lot of couples, I often tell couples when they're struggling with this, and I don't know if you guys are here right now, but taking sex off the table and saying, let's just explore each other's a rotten zone for a month or for a week and say, okay, first a week we can't go below the belt. So let's just massage each other like take time and discover other rotten zones because each other's necks, ears, lips, you know, making out and make it fun and playful.

Like maybe do some of those things that you've talked about. Get some like, you know, we always talk about like sport cheats, make those like ticklers, and they make little, like feathers and ticklers and just bring in different sensations and bring in some more play and fun. And I'm not saying you don't have to end it in orgasm. You could. But if you make it like something that you're doing together, how do you think you would react to that?

I think he would take it well. I guess it's just the hard thing for me to sort of get that huge discussion in without it turning into a bit of a joke for him. So I think that's the hard part for me. Right. Well, it sounds like, I get it. So I think it's like, you have to say to all of it. I mean, I feel like we've talked about this and it ends in a joke and it might even do

it that time because he probably uses humor as a deflection as a way of dealing with emotions. So he laughs it off. So lovingly, again, you don't want this to turn contentious because talking about sex is really, really tricky. But the good news is it gets easier over time and you might not nail it this first call, this first call, this first time you talk to him,

but I think it's just like, babe, I love you and I love our sex life and I want to do everything, I love our relationship, and I want to do everything I can to make this work so I need you to really listen. And you know what, sweetie, you might have to, Lisa, you might have to have the conversation again, too. We always expect that we tell our partner something once or twice, and they hear us. It's going to change, but you know how behavior change is a strange thing, right? It takes months to learn a new habit or to get into a new thing, so he's going to need some of that. He also might need to know specifically what you need. Maybe he knows oral sacs are kissing, but maybe there's specific showing him when you

kiss my neck or I like kissing. It might be more of a demonstration and a talking and keep bringing it up again. And also, if he just needs straight forward facts information, like there are so many studies, in fact, I was looking at this study that came out for 2017, like the biggest news in sex. And I mean, I've been saying this for years,

but the majority of women across the board like require like have orgasms. They're more likely to orgasm and joy sex I've been saying this for years, but women, the majority of women across the board require have orgasms. They're more likely to orgasm and joy-sex when they have oral sex, women not men. And so it's not even like, I feel like you don't have a choice. Like we're a condom. You've got to go down on your partner. That's what you need, honey.

That's what you need. So I'm trying to like sugarcoat this because I know that when you're in a relationship, it can be very, I mean with him, I'm trying to tell you the most softest way to do it because sometimes when we talk about these things finally we're so angry and we've so much resentment that we can just say things we don't mean and the whole conversation blows up.

So the more you can make sure that you guys are in like, maybe you're out of the house or you're on a road trip or you're hiking or you're a brunch and you're in a really like relaxed space to bring it up where you're feeling playful and it just kind of comes out as a conversation and it's not like we talk about our temperance and it's done but it's like an, you know, it's not going dialogue. So I think that you're probably nervous, it sounds like you're a little nervous about

it but I feel like with this information knowing that it's a process and not a one-done conversation that it might get a little easier and then You know letting know that it's really just it's not gonna be you know And then if he doesn't listen he keeps laughing and then you could be like this isn't gonna happen for anymore anymore Like I can't keep having I'm not enjoying it. I'm not I'm not satisfied because I need these things, you know So but I would yeah, okay? I love that. Okay, right. Good. Oh good Lisa. Let me know how it goes because you can bring this back together. Just be patient. Take your time.

It's the year for it. It's the year for you. That's very very amazing sex. It's not even that it's going to be your fresh one. Exactly. You got this, Lisa. We lost a sex. Lots of sex.

Lots of great sex. Satisfying sex. You deserve it, Lisa. And go get it. You can do this. You're lovely. Thank you so much, Lisa. And by Lisa, you are too. Have a great go get it. You can do this. No, lovely. Thank you so much. Yeah. By Lisa, you are too. Have a great day.

Bye. You too. Bakes. Bye. Bye. Oh, Lisa, she's so sweet. I love Australian listeners. Okay, you guys, this is the thing.

Communication is a lubrication. And when I mean by that is, oh, we got to talk about sex. And I know it's not easy. So that's why I really want to, you guys to realize it like, it's okay if you're nervous, your voice shakes, and you have to have the conversation again, but just like everything, the more you do it, the more you repeat it, the different tactics you take, you will get your message across, you will start to have a dialogue with your partner, and you'll know that if it doesn't work that you have tried everything, but you can't say you've tried it all if you really have not talked to your partner in a way that's effective.

So this is the year you guys we're all gonna bet our sex in 2018. Okay, we have Sabrina, she's 26, she's in San Francisco, and she was six months into a great relationship and the guy dropped a bomb on her. I wanna hear all about it. Hi Sabrina.

Hi Emily. Hi. You're in my favorite city. I'm so excited to be talking to you. I just thank you so much for answering my question. I'm here for you. Tell me the story. I'll try and put it all in that cell. So I met this boy last fall and he's a musician and we were I guess want to call it hanging out for about six, seven months. We never formally have the, you know, what are we doing question. I finally brought it up, you know, with the white elephant in the room for quite some

time. And he basically said, you know, like when I'm a land tour, or you're not around after a show, I'm open to meeting other girls and he asked me what Polly Amory was. And, um, yeah, I was, Wait, he asked you what Polly Amory was? No, he asked like if I knew what it was. Sorry, I heard that wrong. Okay, I was like, what?

Oh, okay, so, okay. And, yeah. And I don't know how to paint the picture, but up until that point, it felt so much like we were headed for something serious. Okay. I don't like to be naive or anything, but like I, he had me fly out to New York to see him perform. I went to music festival and looked big as with him and like he surprised me for my birthday. Like, just hang out, I don't know, hang out all the time and some of the things that he would say to me were very deep and. Right.

So yeah, it really, really shocked me. Yeah. And then, yeah, I'm sorry. And then, um, cut to, uh, well, first of all, we were several months had gone by and we were just in like a limbo state because he wasn't sure if maybe he was going to, you know, not do the polyamory lifestyle or I was going to try it. And so I finally just said to him, like, I'm not wired this way, I called him one night. I said, this is like, breaking my heart, I can't just keep waiting for you.

Let's just move on. We want different things. And so it's been maybe that was back in June. Okay. And so he's over the course, reached out like three random times. One time he was like, hi, I just got back from a long tour and I'm in town and watching his one catch up. Okay. And I was like, okay, hi, like I don't know what's there is to catch up on. I hope you're doing well.

I've been a little bit cold. So you haven't seen him since June? Well, no, here. So then the next month, my five, and then he knows that I'm at the farmers market on Friday, so he just kind of surprised me at farmers market. He was like, hey, and we caught up on how we're doing. And then he was like, I hope to see you again soon and they had a

music video that just came out there was like i don't know little snippet of me and it so we showed me that right uh... and then another like few weeks went by and i get like a drunk text from him uh... wait subrina i've got the picture here so here's my quite some clarifying questions for you when you guys were together for those six months before he dropped the polyiameray thing was he sleeping with people then was he saying well you know after the show sometimes i do sleep with other people are with you saying you want to in the

future do you have reason we was also seeing other people in that six months right so that that was really serious to me he said at that point six months point he was open to meeting other people and that he had hooked up with like a couple girls but he hadn't left with it. Yeah, okay, so right and you're looking for a relationship right now And you're in San Francisco and he's traveling a lot and he's moving around how old is he your 26 is he also 20 something He's 31 okay, so he's in a band. He's traveling. I'm just telling Sabrina like there's your question like What do I do? Should you see him? Should you go back i'm going to tell you my yeah yeah i'm like question is yeah like i've been

these few months really trying to compartmentalize in moving past but every time you reach us out it's like pulling at my heart i know it's a good job is yes this is soft pitch of like should i just put down with him and see where he's at and see where i'm at or should i just be like i mean there's nothing wrong with having a lunch with him. Like, I know if you go to Drinks, if I grow out, I have sex with him and then you'll probably be set back a few months.

We've all been there. So if you really can, just like, go to lunch because you want a real conversation with him and you want to say, listen, I still have feelings for you, you know, you could do that. But I feel like you've come a long way and this guy doesn't want the same things that you want. And he's on the road. He's a musician. It's like musicians, DJs, bartenders, men or women. I'm telling you, like, those people in the lifestyle, they're out, they're doing things.

He's not, he can't be in a relationship right now. He can't be what you want it to be. Your choice is, maybe you can just see him when you see him, you have sex with him, and then you still see other people and see how that goes because that's what he wants and maybe you see him, you have sex with him, and then you still see other people, and see how that goes, because that's what he wants, and maybe you'll be, you'll like it. But if you don't feel like you can do that, that's all it's gonna be right now. He's not coming to you saying I wanna be committed.

I sincerely doubt that. So, and then when he's in the row, you're gonna be worrying what he's doing. You know what I'm saying? It just, it sounds like you probably know your answer right now. He's showing you who he is. So, that's what I'm saying. I get this guy.

And I feel like I get this guy. I've dated this guy. I know him. You know what I'm saying? We all have. So yeah, I've women who are all nodding. So it's like, I get it. And he did this thing for you.

And he's like a musician and sexy. And he did thoughtful things. But you're, yeah, you know what you want. And he doesn't even. Oh, great, yeah. So you've got your answer. So he's like three random, like reach out to me or just like moments of weakness for him.

It's not like I should be reading in front of him. No, I mean, okay, it's that he misses you. He feels attached to you. He probably really, really likes you to the very best of his ability. Like to the best of his ability, he gets back to the city or he's out at night if he's just drinker. Maybe he's out of few drinks. That's when I do texting sometimes I don't always plan ahead of time for, but you know what I'm saying? Like, he misses you

because you probably are the girl that he's seen the most consistently and misses and all that that's real. He's not like that's not not real, but what he can do is a man for you right now and be the full support you need a partner. I'm going to say he's not that guy. So I don't think it's fake that he misses you and he's texting you, but I don't think it means I'm a changed man. Cause he was a changed man and he was like, you know what, I'm ready for this.

He would say, we have to meet now. Like, hey, maybe we'll meet up this time. He'd be like, let's talk, I'm ready. And that didn't happen. Okay. Okay. Yeah, that didn't happen. Okay.

Yeah, so I'd say don't waste your time right now. I'd say keep going. You're a smart, beautiful woman in San Francisco. I can tell and there are a lot of guys out there So the more time that goes by the better. Yeah, you're so welcome sweetie. Yeah, I've been there. You got this take care of you, okay? Thank you. I was happy new year. Happy New Year sweetie. Have a good one. Bye So this reminds you that my angel of the coat when people show you who they are believe them You know all the cards are on the table. We will pretty much show you with who they are and what they're about and a lot

of times we just want to change our partners and we want them to be something different but nobody changes unless they want to. So pay attention to all the signs that are in front of you and accept it and then you go about your way but it's okay to want what you want in a relationship and not of when's always going to fit that bill. Okay our next call we got Garrett. He's 35 from Cleveland and we're going to talk about dating after a long-term marriage, some, given some confidence boosters. Hi Garrett, so good to talk to you. Hi Emily. Hi, I'm so glad you called. Let's talk. Oh, I'm, oh thanks, I'm, I'm honored. Just, talk. Well, I'm, I'm honored. Just, you know, just started listening to your podcast and it's kind of helped, helped me a lot kind of clear things up. I'm so glad. It's clear somewhere. No, really, that feels really good. I'm so glad. It's helped you. Yeah. So let's

go to the next level here. How can I help you today? Okay. Well, I was in a long relationship. I was married for 12 years and before I married it was very like conservative. I mean, basically like raised by my grandparents and my mom. And, you know, just to be very conservative and, you know, it's just I didn't date much except like three women for three months. And, and and basically I married I didn't have any sex experience either I've married a virgin I know I'm 23 so okay so yeah only to one woman I will sex life you know yeah that's that's not very many right okay that's one. Right, okay. So now, you know, 12 years of marriage and she decided to leave in the marriage and I'm like, okay, so now I'm like on my own, I'm all new to this, I'm like, okay, I'm in my mid-30s now and like, what do I do? Right, no, this is so good that we're talking.

I know. It's exciting but scary. I totally get it. Garrett, can you tell me why it ended or why she left? Well, the legal reason is incompatibility. But I think it was more religious things. I had to do with it. And it's a really long history. OK.

Is she more religious than you are? Than you were raised? Yeah, she certainly is. Okay. It was. Yeah, okay, God, it's always more like you weren't seeing your values weren't the same, really? Well, after, there was a big debacle

of the church we attended together and I didn't agree with how they were doing things so I decided to quit attending, but she continued to attend. I just didn't, I just, I never gave her hard time for doing it and never packed her on or anything. Always treat her with respect, never argued with her, never fought with her about anything, and then she just decided to finally end it. And I'm like, okay, this is what you want to do. That's all I could do. I'm sorry. That sounds really, really challenging. I'm sorry. And it just, when did it end, you said,

just recently? Uh, it ended about, uh,. And it just, when did it end, you said just recently? I defended about, yeah, it was complete in November. Okay. Yeah, that's very, very, very, recently. Yeah. Well, it sounds like, yeah, this is a whole new world for you. So I, do you feel like, how was the sex in your inner marriage? Like, did you?

It was actually, I was more on the wild side and she was more conservative side but the sex was good i uh... i always was really good to her and well she'd never really faked any more cousins with me i mean it was always she never had a problem having orgasms basically all her patient with her and i i

would come with her and i would i'd love to go down to choose a conservative about it. I could probably count on one hand to soften as I went down. You learned that too, because the good news about going down, a woman is like every woman's difference. It's not even so much about there's this specific tongue skill you have to do. It's more like paying attention to her body going slow. So tell me what you're specifically right now, what kind of things are coming up for you, like even just approaching women, or is it more the sex thing, or just how to get back

out there, how can I help you make some sense? I think the first thing is, I'm using dating apps right now, and I'm making connections, and I've gone on a couple of dates so far, and it's kind of helped boost my confidence. That's a thing, but then it's like, okay, I get there. I'm very sociable, but then sometimes I feel socially awkward. I get to a point to where someone asks me about what I do, and it's like I'm very geeky and very nerdy about what I do. Right.

It's more like you just feel like the conversation is still to it or like you just, you don't feel comfortable just talking, like sitting and talking. It's that part of the date part of it. I think, I think probably after like afterwards the texting and afterwards kind of leads off and I get very busy and we live in a very busy world and I'm a very busy person and it's just like, okay, what are we talking about now? You know, and then how do I ask you out for a second date and what do we want to do? I see.

And then after that, yeah, how do I read them? Okay, I think that you can. I'll awkward about that. No, no, I got it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I've got a clear picture of it. So I think when you go on these dates, you've got to just put yourself in the mindset of your meeting a new friend or you're out with, you know, when you're out with like new people or you go out with people from work, you're not thinking about these, you're not like, oh, I don't

know what to ask next because it's a conversation, it's a natural progression of when people are sitting around together. So when you're on a date, everyone's nervous, I understand that, but if you think about it, like, it's really important to be actually a good listener when you're on a date too and ask questions. So you could even have like things that you want to ask. We all love talking about ourselves, men and women. So, you know, and because it actually thinks it's an interesting way to to find out like, what's, you know, it's okay to ask like, so if you've been on this app for a while

or what you're, you know, me, I always tell you, I think it's not great to talk about like your exes on a first date, but I mean, you could just, how long, you know, what do they do for living? Why do they love it? Are they closer to their family? Are they religious? You know, just,, what do they do for living? Why do they love it? Are they closer to their family? Are they religious? You know, just, or what do they do for fun?

You know, I feel like I, I feel like I go on dates, I guess, the same questions, but I don't mind it. They're like, so what do you do for fun, Emily, or what's your favorite, you know, movies, or, I mean, it might seem like, oh, that's awkward, but it's really not because you're trying to get to know someone. So if you just practice the basics, like, what would I want to know about this person?

And, and ask questions and also share about yourself? And then you said you get geeky, we're hearing yourself talk about it. I mean, I think even being self-effacing or being like, I know this is geeky, but, and again, this is a practice too. So just know that dating is like a muscle. And if we don't use it,

like you even use it for 12 years, like it's gonna atrophy, right? But it's gonna come back, cause there's muscle memory, right? They're not learning something from scratch. Like if you don't wanna talk to people, you've got a good job, you're a smart guy. You know what I'm saying? So it's gonna come back because there's muscle memory, right? They're not learning something from scratch. Like, you know what I talked to people? You've got a good job, you're a smart guy. You know what I'm saying?

So it's really just, it's very new, it's been a month. So like, I'm gonna tell everyone, it's my theme for it. Like, go easy on yourself. Don't put so much pressure that you're like, I gotta go out and I say like, go on dates, go to lunches, go to coffees, go to dinner, and really just try to be as present as you can because I feel like getting out of this marriage, you probably know more about yourself, what

attracts you to person and what doesn't. So, you know, think about things you might want to know about someone, like if someone's a smoker, like maybe that doesn't work for you, or if they are really religious or their religion is something, you know, whatever it is, like you just find this out because you're 35 years old and, you know, you just, I don't know. I feel like- Yeah, I get any younger like he's not that. No, it's not an age thing.

I myself into, yeah, I don't want to pressure myself and into that, but also when I like, hey, I really want to meet new women and people because I never had this opportunity because like in my letter is like, my friends were, I mean, when I was 18, it's like, my friends have already gone out with like, five or six1, I don't want to tell them who knows how many I've got laid. And unless I'm speaking, you know, I'm slaying, but, you know, I'm like, I never got the experience. Well, right. So you're having your exactly.

So this is the common thing too. A lot of people are married for a year. They go out and they get back out there again. I think this is going to be fun for you. I think you just got to get over the nerves right now. And so the more that you do it, and the more that you practice, and then you'll get to meet people,

and I'll bet you'll make some friends too. I mean, I've met, and I know a lot of people have met great people dating online. Like really, it's not like it's all just sex or can be if that's what you want. You can have a lot of sex, but you just might meet some interesting people too. Or, you know, so I think like

this is a really exciting time for you. And I love that you get this time back in your life that you never had. I think it's a really important time. Because then you get to figure out, like, what am I attracted to? You might not even know right now. Because you're with the same person,

and we change so much, like, who you're attracted to 12 years ago, you know, 22 years old is very different than Garrett at 35. So if you just kind of go in with open without expectation that you're looking for the next wife and when I said you're 35, I meant it more around conversation. Like it's okay to be like, do you want kids or do you know what do you want out of life

rather than being like 20? That's what I meant. Not that you're not, but there's pressure on you because I don't wanna put any pressure on you at all. Just that you can have these more adult, not that we're not adults, but it's okay to like, what are you looking for? And if you're just looking to date right now,

you let them know, I'm dating. I got to, you know, it just be honest. And the more honest, and the more authentic, and the more Garrett you are on every date, the more you you are, the more you feel like, oh yeah, I feel like myself, like how you feel with your friends, the more fun you're gonna have,

and the more confident you're gonna be. Yeah, because that's like, I guess that's what kind of women are definitely looking for confidence, you know? And I am, yeah, you're right, I'm exercising that month. Yeah. And like I said, being married this long, I kind of find out who I want or what I want now, or just try to have more confidence

about what the patient does. I did it for 12 years. Yeah. So why can't I try to do this? Me, the other women have that, you know. Do it. Yes, you deserve this time. No, you take this time and have fun with it, right?

You don't know, you actually don't know. You literally don't know, because you're with one person. So it's okay. If you were calling and saying, what do I tell you to do this? I would say go out, have fun without the pressure, experience other women hanging out with them, what you like. And you're going to feel better in a few months once you get out there and start doing it. But again, just know that it's going to get a lot easier.

And women do like confidence, but we can also tell, you see like a really nice guy, a thoughtful guy, and you're married for 12 years, like to me, like as a woman, like that's really attractive. You know what I'm saying? You're able to be in a relationship. People think that they're such a stigma with divorce. And I feel like that it's actually really a sign of someone who's responsible and can kind of be an adult and have a relationship. So I think that women can find a lot of women or the right kind of women.

I think maybe you'd want to find that attractive. kind of being adult and have a relationship so i think that women can fight a lot of women are the right kind of i think maybe you want to find that attractive so i wouldn't worry that that's like this mark against you that you've been there i think that that's a bad that that's that's not a matter of time you know i think it's a good or two and i'll send a divorce and i'm like i don't want to go far in the detail about it no this is what you say

garrick i was no this and to make it and I'm not sure there might be women who judge you Those aren't your women so fine those women are done But what I'm saying is Garrett you say when they say I was married for 12 years and we got married young Whatever you want. I don't think you need to get into it and to say you know, we got married a young we changed and You know, it's we we decided to end it so I think anyone can understand that done no detail I mean, I just pressed you for details because I didn't know but no one else needs to know Not right now in the first date and you're not hung up on it and you're moving on You know, just it's they don't need that that's what you say and proud. Yeah, it was a great marriage

I still like whatever it is. I like her family or whatever, but we decided to you know, we met young That's what you do and so just and this is gonna practice. You're gonna get your lines down. You're gonna get it You know, you're gonna feel comfortable with this so you got this Okay, I feel like a monk on the first day, you know, I guess I have my cards ready. But when you say you're like a monk, like a Adrian monk, you know, I don't know if you remember what you're serious. Monkey had his full, all of his flash cards ready. It's like, oh, no, I was actually, it's funny.

I didn't see it in there, but I know guys, like I know guys who literally have no, their notes on your phone and they have questions. If you get nervous, you can go to, I don't know, do we have first dating questions that are website we probably do? Or, you know, I mean literally just, if you pick it nervous and you can't remember things, it's nothing wrong with having some things

you want to talk about or some funny story. If you saw a movie, you could, on the way to pick her up, practice telling the story, what you liked about the movie. You know what I'm saying? That's not cheesy, it's okay to have some material ready to go and you'll feel better too okay Garrett you got this okay good luck to you it's gonna all happen thank you let it unfold you're so

welcome of course yes so yes I think you I feel good about this Garrett have a great day thank you bye hey guys you I feel good about this Garrett have a great day. Thank you Bye. Hey guys, you got to remember that dating is it's a skill. It's a practice and it really is like exercising and muscle And I think that no matter where you're right in your life dating without an angle of like yeah You might know you might want to get married if kids or you know, you're moving or whatever it is doesn't I feel like Just to kind of be present in the moment with this person, how do they make you feel?

Was it a good time? Do you learning information that would you want to be friends with this person rather than like getting in your head about all this stuff which we all do anyway, but try to take yourself back down to earth, know that just another human who's probably nervous like you and just have a conversation, take a lot of deep breaths.

And I'm totally cool with having cheat sheets. That was fun, you guys. I love talking to you. God, I love the call shows. I hope you are all going to send me a question right now and say you want to be called, because I could do these every day. I really could.

I would. But thank you, everyone, for listening, for supporting the show. Thank you for subscribing and iTunes and reviewing the show. That's awesome. And we've got a lot of podcasts. You can check them all out at sex.com.

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