Sex With Emily - Dry Spells, Long Distance Love, and Dealing With the Dating Apps

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

Finding love has always been hard work, but COVID has made it ten times more difficult. That’s why this episode is ALL about dating. From moving off the apps to dating post-breakup, to finding someone who meets your sexual desires, I go over the most common dating debacles.I also cover why it’s crucial that you know what you want in a partner—after all, how can you find love if you don’t know what you’re looking for? To make things easier, I share my top tips for breaking down the steps to finding clarity so that you can manifest your dream partner.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking all about dating. How to make the apps work for you, how to figure out exactly what you're looking for in a partner, and how to spot the red flags. All this and more, thanks for listening. All this and more, thanks for listening. I thought it was odd that he had these strong feelings towards me so soon. It's odd. And so now he's got me on this holding pattern, so to speak. No. I don't hold, run. He's love bombing you.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today I'm taking your calls and diving into the fun, but sometimes frustrating world of dating.

Are you looking for some right now? Do you know what kind of person you're looking for? Or maybe you're just stuck on these apps and you can't seem to move it into real life. Well, we don't only talk about the apps in this show, I'm gonna give you some advice how to find people wherever you're at. Are you really looking to find someone or are you more of a passive data? Because if you want to find someone, you got to prioritize dating.

I get it, it can feel like a second job sometimes, but everything that we want to happen in life takes effort. Intentions with Emily, for each show I want to start off by setting an intention for the show. It just takes a second and I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? It could be, I'm frustrated with dating and I'm ready to break through and find my person. Well, my intention was to give you actual tools you need to find someone who's right for

you. Someone who actually sees you, loves you completely, because you deserve it. And I've been talking to so many more people lately who are just spinning their wheels, they're frustrated with all the ghosting and everything going on, and they keep dating the same kind of person and it doesn't work out. So you can change that. I am here to help. Alright, let's dive into the first call. Enjoy the show. Alright, this is from Tiana, 29, New Jersey.

I've come to you about an issue with dating. I've been single for about five years and I've recently dated someone who I thought would be open for a relationship. He told me he didn't want to commit and it broke my heart. I thought I would be okay with friends with benefits, but that made it even worse for me. I've been thinking of the pros and cons about him and my acts and what kind of relationship I wanted in the future. I decided to go on a dating app and just put myself out there, but I hesitate to speak

with them or meet them because I'm afraid of getting hurt. How can I face this fear? Oh, Tiana, I hear you. When we go through a breakup and a heart gets broken. Sometimes the first time it gets broken, it just can really, really hurt. And then that, it only takes one heartache sometimes to just get us off track, especially, you know, when you think it's gonna go somewhere and the title won't want to commit, but how you face this fear. There's a few steps that I always recommend and you've done some of them.

And that is, first you thought about the pros and cons and what kind of relationship you want in the future. That's really, really important steps. So good for you for doing that. But some other things that I recommend that are important are focus on like loving yourself. It is all a journey. There's the masturbation part of self love. There's loving who you are today knowing that you have all these great things to bring

to a relationship, getting clear on your needs as well as important. I know you said the pros and cons, but what are your needs? What's important to you in a relationship? Like you want to be seen, okay? That's a really important one for me. I want to date someone who gets me, who knows me, like where I feel seen. I can't even think of a better way to say that, but I'm dating people and I'm just like, I feel so seen. They notice the little things. They show up and they pay attention. They participate in communication. They show up when you need them. That's a non-aggressive.

I don't date households. I don't date people who don't care about me, but in the past, I think a lot of us have dated people like that. I think you only did a few people that weren't, that don't work. I hope. And then you'd be like, oh, actually,

I deserve better. But sometimes the more time we take, it can be a lot harder to get out there. So just recognize right now that you don't have to go right into a serious relationship right now. So what I recommend that you do is try to go on a little mini date, meet someone for coffee. You're already on the dating app. It's just a matter of facing that and saying, I'm going to try right now because I love myself enough

and I care about myself enough to face this fear. And once you do it, you're gonna say, what was I waiting for? You're gonna realize there's a lot of great people out there. And you already were hurt. The worst thing did happen. You're still here and I promise you that you are stronger because of it. Just because you go out with someone,

doesn't mean it's a relationship, doesn't mean that you're walking down the aisle, it just means that you're going to, it's exercising a muscle. You know, dating is a muscle. And if we don't exercise that muscle, it gets a lot harder. You're just like going to the gym. You know, we lift and wait a few times a week, it feels great. And then we stop for a few months, and it's really hard to get back out there. Well, you've waited five years.

And so if you can take baby stacks, you're not going to go back to the gym and start lifting the same weight you were lifting before. You're not going to go back out there and get into a long term relationship right away. But you're going to start seeing what it feels like to meet new people and to be in your body again and just feel like a woman that you know is hot and ready to date and who's fabulous person who deserves a lot of love and connection like we all do. So it could be a Zoom date, it could be a coffee date, but practice it and then you're going to see that you can take that power back and you can face your fear because fear is only false evidence appearing real. Let's talk to Mark 40 in Texas.

Hi Mark, what's going on? Hi, first time caller, long time listener, thanks for taking it. Welcome. So, here's the thing, it seems like I'm on these apps and I made some nice people, but to me, it seems like it should be reciprocal. I mean, I realize there's always a chase factor in the guys who are usually, you know, token with that to be the ones that pursueers, if you will. But I don't know where it goes from pursuing to them not interested because it seems like

I go on a lot of dates and then it's like I'm always like what's next? So I mean not even trying to say take it to a different level but it's just like I don't want to be left on red or have the phone calls and come back the same with the women don't so it's like how does that get reciprocated and you know it's like a different world now. It's a great question so give me a specific example of what you're experiencing like walk me through it. You go on it one day and then what happened. You don't hear from them or you don't get there.

Multiple conversations. There's text messaging. There's phone calls. There's setup for another date. And then after that initial contact, it's kind of like, okay, I even have the conversation with them or it's like, all interest is dead. And I'm like, hey, I get it.

We haven't even clicked. It doesn't click. We'll move on. No big deal. But then it's like, oh, no, I've just been busy. And then it's back to, I wouldn't say, even say ghosting, but it's more like baiting. It's like they're always. Breadcrumbing.

We have a name for it. It's called breadcrumbing. When they just give you enough to keep you hooked. There you go. And how many times this could happen with you? Is this like it happened three times? Or is it happened like a lot over the last six months? I don't know, I'd say I've only been on it.

I don't know. I'd say probably four dates with two different women and both women ended up being the same way. Okay, so you're just like creating a story now that L dating is hard and everyone sucks and you're never going to find someone and the reason why these experiences of just it just takes one or two people ghosting and not returning our Our sentiments because rejection is So hard. It's literally one of the most challenging human conditions. So when we feel it it feels so much larger than or takes up so much more weight than other conditions. So I say you're just getting back out there. It's a muscle, not every situation is going to be like that to women. There are urine Texas.

But do you know how many women are in Texas that would love to be with Mark who actually wants to be in a relationship right now who's like a good guy and wants to follow through and doesn't want to put up for bullshit, you just haven't found him yet. And I wouldn't paint a picture that this is the state of the world right now. I mean, yes, people who have been breadcrumbing and ghosting, I think there is a middle ground,

there's a between saying like, okay, are you in or you are? Because all these people are ghosting me and just tell me. And saying, I like you. And I think we should do this again. How about make it and then ask them out and then just say, somewhere fun or planet date or say something and then if you don't hear from them.

I mean, like cut it, don't even spend time thinking about it and move on to the next. So make the offer, be specific. I love when a guy texts me or calls me with a plan. He's like, I got tickets to this thing, or I want to go for a walk here, or there's this really cool thing I want to see, had a great time with you, what do you say?

And also, okay, I have to admit, Texas is a little bit different, because you're saying, is there still this expectation that I have to put out the entire all the effort? Is that what you're saying? I'm trying to understand your question because I just say that. I joke about that saying, if you can't handle me at my words, you don't deserve me and I like to sound like, hey, and that's okay.

I'm willing to accept those standards, but I at least think that it should be some sort of a reciprocation. If you're not interested, by all means, don't be interested. But if you are interested, that means you've got to have something there. There needs to be something there, right? You went on two dates or four dates with two women. You went on four dates. And they ghosted.

And then they were more interested. But to me, this isn't correlate with what you're saying is make an effort. You ask, I mean, listen, you asked them out twice. I usually like guys ask me, okay, maybe I should change this. It's 2020, but sometimes I have guys asked me out twice before maybe I say not even consciously, but that is the way the world traditionally has been. That, you know, men make the effort. I would love that to change, but maybe they realize they weren't as interested right

now or who knows, but that doesn't mean that you won't find a woman who says, yeah, Mark, let's, let's make a plan next. You want to come to my house one night or I'll make you dinner. Those women are out there. So keep going and then keep your eyes open because the more you date, it's like, it's a learning curve. You start to learn about yourself. It's like everything dating is a skill set. It's not just something we're all naturally like we all know how to date and we all know our own aptitude. You know, it's like you have to practice it. So keep going out there and then you'll start to learn oh this kind of person isn't I can tell already this is a pattern of when the women who say who don't commit to me, you know, this

is what it means. And you start to recognize behavioral patterns. And then the guy thing that they reject you, like that's, like, they did you a favor onto the next. But you get to learn from all of these experiences. So that's what I believe. And the sooner we cannot obsess about why things didn't work and what happened to us, because you knew them for three hours

and they've taken up maybe, you know they've taken up maybe 10 hours of worrying or we're talking about now. Like let's think about what you're gonna do next. Who's the next person you're gonna swipe by? Maybe there's another app to try, bumble, the women have to make the first move. A lot of people love hinge right now. You know, there's a lot.

And just if you've got the time right now, just kind of craft it and get more specific and then you'll develop the mark way of dating that makes you feel that you are giving, but also receiving from women who deserve you in your time. All right, well, thank you, I appreciate it. Of course, Mark, keep me posted. Call me back next week.

Don't let this stuff stop you, you guys. You just, dating isn't easy. It's not easy to find a partner. You know, especially now, you can't really see people. It's a whole thing, but anything that's worth having takes effort and time and focus. You just don't get lucky and randomly, you know something like lucky and randomly be you old, but right now the dating apps are exploding. There are more and more people who are dating online for the very first time than ever.

So I think that's good news. That is good news. You just got to put up with some bullshit. You always got to deal with a lot of people ghosting and a lot of people who are not what you thought don't look like their picture but you will find your person when you prioritize it, change your behavior and make the time. This is from Stephanie. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and I feel like he secretly watches porn to get hard. I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now, and I feel like he secretly watches

porn to get hard. I'm not sure if he still gets turned on by me, and it's made me feel as if he's unattracted to me. Does him watching porn make our sex less enjoyable? I also feel like I want to have sex a lot of the time, but I can't find a way to satisfy myself effectively. Please advise what I should do and if this is normal, should I be worried?

Porn is a whole conversation. I understand that feeling and shouldn't say how old she is, but there is a certain feeling that if you be fined out a partner watches porn or it's a secret thing, I mean, that's a problem. And I think we should just make the assumption that we're all sort of watching porn first off. And why do we have to keep it a secret? It's because I think a should just make the assumption that we're all watching porn first off. Why do we have to keep it a secret?

It's because I think a lot of times we get judgment from our partners. I was that person. I used to think that if my partner was watching porn, I meant that he wasn't attracted to me more. Of course, he wants me to look like the woman in the porn. That means that I'm not attracted to him, and it was so confusing. But there's a learning curve here. Does him watching porn make our sex a joke?

I don't think that him watching porn is making it less enjoyable, but what I'm concerned about is that it is your enjoyment. You're saying that you want to sex all the time, but you can't find a way to satisfy yourself effectively. Do you know this is, and this I think is the real part of the question here, is that how you satisfy yourself effectively is to practice satisfying yourself. So if he's watching porn, are you masturbating? Are you figuring out, feels good too?

Maybe you should watch porn. People watch porn, it doesn't mean that they want, he wants to be with, I didn't understand at the point when I was 22 years old. I made these assumptions that that's what it meant. But it doesn't mean that because he's going to watch porn in relationships and out of relationships. And it's part of actually being sexually healthy is masturbating. And I think it's important that we all feel comfortable masturbating.

I feel like I don't have to tell men that as often, men are usually like, I'm good. I got this. But with women, there's still some shame or maybe it just we don't have experience masturbating because it's not modeled as heavily in society. You know, male masturbation is like glorified in many ways. Like, oh, of course he's getting masturbated, but women, oh, we're not supposed to touch ourselves. But that's what I would love to see is more of a celebration of it. So you feel more comfortable, Stephanie. So I would say, first off, you don't need me to be worried. What I'm concerned with is you figure out

what feels good to you and don't expect that it's just going to come through penetration. Because in this email, it seems like it's very focused on your partner and what he's doing. And then your second question was, how do I get turned on or how do I get satisfied? Now, if you are masturbating, you are having orgasms, then you've got to talk with them and say, this is what I need. This is what turns me on. Because our partners are not mine readers. That's another mistake that a lot of us make. We're like, well, I thought you would know. She should have known that I want this.

You should have known how to make me orgasm. How would he know? How does she know what you like? Everyone's different. You know, a lot of people assume that every partner wants the same thing. It's like, I'm great at oral sex. My last partner loved this move. Well, guess what? Your current partner, we can't assume they

like this move. Just count. So remember you got to have these conversations and the sooner you do, the less suffering. More dating and relationship advice after this break. Thank you for supporting our sponsors. We love them. I hope you do too. We love them. I hope you do too. Let's have the Daniel 47 in New Jersey. Hey Emily, how are you? Good, good. I'm good. Good, Daniel.

No, I listen to you all the time. And yeah, I kind of was just, I don't know, I listened to you for so long. I thought to myself, I don't know, maybe Emily could help. So I figured I'd ask. Yes. Of course. I got, I got tired of, so I got tired of the apps and I fit like the social apps for the gay community. Um, and then I started putting myself out there more at like community events, you know, as far as like bare community events or leather community events or bar events or like just started putting

myself out there. And then COVID happened. So I kind of felt myself back on the apps, back on the apps again. So now I'm kind of back. And then I said I was watching Group Hall's drag race the other day in Vegas, but anyway Yeah, they put a Tinder having this That have it it's like go on Tinder if you want to look for relationship and then go on grinder if you want sex So I decided oh, well, maybe I'll try Tinder. I mean, if it's maybe it's more beneficial.

So I've tried it and I have to be honest with you, I had to really solid good conversation but I just ghosted twice for a date. And I'm like, this is a thing right now, ghosting is on the rise and the apps are on the rise. I've keep reading about all these sites. Like everyone's ghosting and breadcrumbing,

you know, leaving little bits just to keep you interested enough. Well, Daniel, there's good and bad to this because there are more people on the apps right now every day. I'm reading a story about everyone, the apps are, but maybe it's just not for you right now. And I don't know what the socializing right now in New Jersey with COVID, but I would recommend that yeah, you could stand the apps and do your thing. I don't, and I don't believe that one's more this and one's more that. I think you find your people wherever you go. So I'll say that, but also, here's another exercise for the weekend.

Let people know every, that you're single. People, like friends of yours that maybe don't know that you're looking, say yes to something this weekend that was a no for you. I mean, are people having parties or barbecues or is there something even as a Zoom thing that you can go to that you wouldn't normally because that's like bringing it back, right? You're 47, you remember before we had apps,

how did you meet people? Yep. And so letting, yeah. Madam, bars, you know, clubs and things like that. Well, outdoor things are open now. New Jersey's like very, very, very limited still. I mean, our governor has been pretty strict about what he's allowed with.

So we only just opened indoor dining. And but bars and bars and clubs and things like that are still not open. It's so close. That would be my normal still not. That would be my normal. Yeah, that would be my normal. That's what I grew into because I grew out what I felt like I grew out of the apps. So I felt like Tinder has been a little bit more of an adult kind of. There have been more solid conversations, even though I was, you know, ghosted twice.

But I mean there've been more solid conversations. I even thought about e-harmony. Have you ever had anything about e-harmony? Yeah, yeah, people love e-harmony. It's been around a long time. It's one of the first. Yeah, I've tried matching. I've tried matching the past and it just keeps matching with the same guys over and over and over again It just wasn't really good. Did you FaceTime with that or did you video chat or FaceTime with them first by chance? Yep, you make a good point. Maybe that would be more of a better effort. I mean, I have to be honest with you. One, I got ghosted on. I'm like, excuse my language, but fuck him. I'm going to dinner anyway. I'm going to enjoy myself. So I did. But I don't, but yeah,

maybe it's... Do the video day. Everyone's doing it now. It's not even weird. I mean, dating, listen, I won't. I had a Zoom, like a date with some guy, like on Zoom. I met him and it was like a fix up, but it was so, it was so much better than texting back and forth.

I have no time for that. And so we actually had a drink on Zoom and we talked. And I think first off, you're less likely to ghost, you're more likely to actually feel, no, if you're going to like this person or not. And then if you should actually risk it or go for a hike or go for a walk, you're over New Jersey, not go for a walk with them. And you could do it. You could go for a walk this weekend. You take a, you know, bring your mask, do a distance walk. And just I would just insist on it. And it's not even that, like all these apps have also put in these video features where you can easily chat with someone. So because I hear you painting this story now, like everyone's ghosting

and there's no one on the apps, but you just got back on it. It is a numbers game. And if you're really, you sound like you're really ready to meet someone, and the people that I know who have met long-to-head long-term success on the apps, are my friends who were kind of obsessive about it. They were going on a bunch of dates, they were following through and they met people. I don't like the, I go on the apps for like a week and I'm like, I can't, this was like a while,

but I can't. I'm not going to follow through, I know myself, but if I was committed like anything in life, you'll find that. I'm not great with follow through. I know myself, but if I was committed like anything in life, you'll find that person. And not only that, you'll really start to learn more about yourself. So, if you want to say that I love the idea of like the video, because I guess I feel like it puts a little bit more ownership in an actual meet. So as opposed to getting ghosted trying to make it to dinner or coffee or something like

that. But on the side note, I just want to let you know the main reason why I like to listen to you is because I'm actually involved in the BDSM community, LGBTQ, which is actually better known as the leather and kink community. So that's why I like to listen to you a lot because a lot of the things, even though it's mostly male, female, yeah, heterosexual. So it's mostly male, female, sexual. Yeah, there's something you can apply to any kind of relationship or...

So too, because I want to feel good to anyone if possible. Yeah, no, I appreciate that too. Keep me posted on how the dating goes. I want to hear about the video calls. Now I'm invested, now on your future. So glad you called and it was really nice talking to you. Thanks for calling back and joy the weekend. Bye Daniel. Thank you. We'll be right back. Mary's Clinch. She starts her calling in about dating Mary 55 and Illinois. Hi Mary, what's going on? Hi, good evening. This is my first time calling in ever. Yeah, and I appreciate you taking my call and I'm glad that you are talking about dating, I'm a single mom, I've been divorced for five years

and just very frustrated with finding or meeting men in my age group who want a committed relationship. It's just very frustrating, it feels like they're still out there in their mid to late 50s wanting to play the field. And I met somebody through a friend. I did the online dating thing a few years ago. I didn't really work out for me. And so I was very happy to be introduced to this gentleman. And he ghosted me back in February. He ghosted me for a couple of months.

I didn't even know what ghosting was. That's great. And so anyway, he ghosted me for a couple of months. I didn't even know what ghosting was. That's great. And so anyway, he ghosted me, and then he called me back a couple months later. And the pandemic had just started, so we did the video chats and got to know each other through phone calls. Prior to him ghosting me, we probably dated

for maybe three weeks or so, nothing much once a week. And so then once the restrictions were lifted, we had a wonderful time. We dated, we went out to dinners, we went on a couple of road trips, we introduced our children to each other. I have a son, he has a son. And everything was going great. He was mentoring my son to some degree, because that was done in college.

And the sex was good, you know. I'm going through menopause. And so I listened to you yesterday, and so some of the topics you talked about really hit home with me. So I was doing what I needed to do to get my health in that whole arena, you know, back on track. And I thought things were going well, he told me he loved me blah, blah, blah.

And then I noticed distancing. And I asked him, you know, what, did I say something? Did I do something? And he said, no, no, no, I'm just, quote, processing. But he didn't really want to tell me what he was processing. And this went on for about two, three weeks, where I noticed this physical distancing, which was harmful to me.

It just felt like I was making an effort, but I was being slowly pushed away. And then he eventually told me, and I don't believe this to be true because it was never an issue before. His religious beliefs, you know, he's Christian and so am I, but said that, you know, he just felt that he's not part of the thing what he preaches, because he, you know, he counseled young people in the church, blah, blah, blah, and from the abstinence. And I said, well, you know, I'm okay with that. It's not a deal breaker for me. I'm totally okay with that.

And I was. But that didn't seem to make a difference. And for the first time, I heard the term of breadcrumbing today. And I believe that that is what I believe that's what he's doing to me because his last comment, he was to be patient, just be patient. And so I feel like he's got his cake comment he was to be patient, you know, just be patient. And so I feel like he's got his kick and he wants to eat it too. He's got me in the way.

Well, how long are you with this guy? How long? We met back in February, at the end of January, and then I guess that he goes to me, but we really started dating like in person dating. I would say June. Three months. And he ghosted you when. And he said he loved you and you met each other's kids.

Yeah, this moved really fast. This is really fast, Mary. And I told him that too. I said, you know, let's let things happen organically because I went through a very contentious divorce and so I'm very cautious, you know, about leaving in-set things things and I thought it was odd that he was feeling had these strong feelings towards me so soon.

And so now he's got me on this holding pattern so to speak. No, don't hold, don't hold, run. He's love bombing you. This is what happens. Don't hold, don't hold, run. He's love bombing you. This is what happens. It feels so good when somebody pours on all that love and attention and adoration at the beginning of a relationship.

And it feels so good to be loved and desired again because we haven't had it in a while, especially you coming off a really bad divorce. And so even though we know in our head, you're 55 year old woman I get we've been day we've been around We're not new at this stuff. It feels good And we're like well, maybe this is different, but whatever it moves that fast He can't possibly know you yet and trust your gut

This is where women are intuition like you knew something was a little bit off But it felt so good, right? So I would say he's doing your favorite house. Is this the first guy you've been with since your divorce? No. Okay. And it's been three months and how has he ghosted you? When I asked him why he ghosted me and this is what I think is really quite telling. He told me that he ghosted me and he told the friends who introduced us that he ghosted me because I was keeping him in the friend zone. And I thought, well, first of all, I've only been seeing you for three weeks. I'm certainly not going to throw myself at you.

I'm a respected woman and I'm carrying myself, you know, I hold myself to certain standards. And so he apparently ghosted me because I was keeping him in the quote, friend zone, although I don't think i was and so i think it's really ironic now how months later semi-ghosting me if you want to call it that because all of a sudden his religious values in his religious beliefs have come into play back up back up to the first three weeks you were together you got feedback that he

said that you were putting him in the friend zone. And then you clearly got out of the friend zone, started dating. And then three months later, now he's going, I'm just following him. Well, this is a thing. This is going to be quite so far. So I guess this should be a lesson. Delete his number. Delete his number.

Your life is better without him. He has shown you who he is and believe him. He's not even a matter why. I want to like me my age to meet men. I mean I dated someone who was younger and who was far more mature than somebody's 50 something year old that I've been meeting. How'd you meet the younger guy? I just don't, at the gym. Great, and now you can't go to the goddamn gym, right? Yeah, actually, I met him at the gym and it was a long relationship. Last year for quite some time. But I just find it really hard to, I don't want to date a younger man.

I want to date someone in my face of lights, you know? Have you let everybody know that you're single? Have you told all your friends, your neighbors, your employees, random people that you trust? They're actually looking at you. But have you said to them specifically, hey, if you haven't meet anyone, I'm actually looking right now. And you know the crazy time we're in, so it's a little bit harder to meet people. If you happen to meet anybody, please think of me and let me know.

This is what I'm looking for. You can't expect people to be thinking of you. And I actually said this to a friend of mine last November and she fixed me up with two awesome people this year. They didn't work out, but they were fabulous. I was like, it's Jen Fried. She calls them to the show all the time.

She's the psychological astrologer. And then, and honestly, I so appreciate it. And I had said to her, I said, you know, she goes, what's your dating life? I said, you know, if you know anyone. And so now she thinks of me. Today I talked to her about something else and she says, I have to go to her for you.

So all I'm saying is, we have to do something outside of our comfort zone. Maybe that's not comfortable for you, you know? Go on Facebook, you're probably on Facebook. Are you invited to any events that you would normally not go to? Say yes to those. Is there an outdoor something this weekend? Is there a meetup?

If you like to bike ride or hike or do volunteer, there's these meetup.org, I think it is. And there's everything. Go to in-person meetings, volunteer, get out the vote. Do something that you're super passionate about right now that's a little bit outside your box. Like get out of your comfort zone, because if you keep moving in the same grooves of your life every single day, you're not going to make space for new people to come in. So aside from the apps, that's how you're

going to meet people, is making an effort to carve out space for that person and then you'll find out. I just feel I have more years behind me than I'm moving forward. So I want to make the second half of my life even better than the first. I just feel like time is passing me by. For a woman, speaking for myself here, I feel like my marketability is d Lina as I'm getting older because it seems like these guys my age are looking for young. It's not true.

See that's the story we started with Mary. I'm going to stop you there. That is a limiting belief. And that does not serve you. Nor is that true. Many guys in your age group want to date younger women are

unavailable. They're players, but many aren't. And getting older, I've women calling it in the 30s who can't find anyone, it's not, this is a belief about age. And we can't take along that with you of a choice. And you could say, I'm gonna find someone at this point in life and I deserve it.

You're gonna go home, when we hang up right now, you're gonna write in your journal, all the things that you want in a partner. Like, get specific, specific. Like, I want somebody who loves to drive because I hate driving. I want somebody who loves music because I like, you know, write it down, get it in your soul, feel that person. What are you going to do with them?

What kind of activities are you going to do? How are they going to make you feel when you're together? Picture that person, manifest that person. I mean, this stuff works. And so, but every time that belief comes in that says there's no one out there say, but maybe there is someone out there. You get to choose those thoughts. So, let's say choose the good ones.

Choose the ones that serve you. I believe you will find someone, but you have to believe you'll find someone. I have to be more positive. I'm going to take your suggestions and I will when I meet that someone call you back But I really call me next week Leave me the list Thank you I'm a good time for the weekend. You're welcome. Have a great night Mary. Thanks for calling you know I was thinking about

interesting calls tonight in a row, one after the next, every day in Mary, Daniel, Mark calling in about their frustrations around dating right now and that it's really hard to find somebody. It's funny because they all called in and it was seemingly different questions, but all three of them super frustrated with the dating landscape right now. And there's validity to that. It is not an easy time right now. We are in a global pandemic. Everything's been shut down. There's more stress. People are worried about their health, so maybe they're not putting themselves out there as much. But the commonality was that they all feel that it's the car just stacked against them. They're believing this that they're not going to find someone or everyone is one way.

I mean, every time you find yourself saying, there's no one out there, everyone is like that. Or I'm always going to be ghosted. I'm always going be ghosted. I'm always gonna be alone. That's what we call in the business, a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you believe something, the more you think it, it becomes your reality.

If we're constantly thinking about worrying about money, for example, I'm gonna go broke, I'm not gonna find it. I don't know. Do you think you're gonna make a lot more money that year? If your thoughts are literally in that thinking all these negative things, no. If you're thinking I'm not gonna find everyone, even if you're doing it for a few weeks or a few months,

but that's your base level, is that people aren't good or there's not enough, or actually, you know what it is, it's that scarcity of mentality, that there's not enough, I'm not gonna have enough. That is the lens in which you're going to see your life. And we can go into why we feel that way.

We can go into like the conditioning, maybe our parents were like that, maybe in childhood, we kept getting disappointed because maybe our parents were alcoholics and we grew up in a home where every time we got excited for something, the rug was pulled out from under us. Your dad was going to pick you up and take you to the zoo and he didn't show up again. You were going to go on that trip with your family and something happened and you were

disappointed. As a child, what we do is we think, oh, well, I can't get excited for anything, nothing is going to happen. Therefore, you might get caught in this mentality that I can't get excited for things, nothing's going to happen. And so therefore you might get caught in this mentality that I can't get excited for things people are going to disappoint me. And then when you get older, you, you, you, you, it's not even conscious, but you really, you think people are a disappointment. I'm going to be let down because if I get excited for something, or if I believe in anyone,

I'm going to get my heart broken. Like when dad didn't show up and take me to the zoo. It's really like that. And but you realize that that's just a conditioning that you can sort of alter what you actually want. You know, to change your thought patterns takes effort, a lot of effort. But I can't think of anything better to do

than to reprogram, rewire your brain. You know, I've been someone who has been meditating for 25 years and trying to live, you know, a seeker and on the path. But it's still hard. You don't have to go to therapy to do it. You can start tonight by writing down what you want and think about what thoughts aren't serving me. So it's not easy to do this, but the more you focus on what you actually do want,

and what it looks like, and what it smells like, and what it tastes like, and how it feels to be with this person, how to find that partner, and you manifest that partner, it's not just like, I'll help someday a man job sound the chimney, you do the work, and it starts with your beliefs. I know that I'm going to find my partner. I know it is true. I deserve it. I'm a good human. And to make sure that happens, I'm going to get really specific and all the traits I want in a partner. Did I deserve in a partner? Someone who treats me well, someone who doesn't ghost me,

someone who shows up, who's reliable, who's loving, who loves their mother, who gives back, who's kind, who's generous, who's authentic, write it all down and get specific. And then you're mind thinks, I'm going to find someone, I'm going to find someone, and they're going to treat me really well. And they're going to be kind, and they're going to be generous, and they're going to, and then it all gets wrapped in, you know. And then you, truly, this is how it works.

You start to believe it. You start to feel yourself with that person. And, and then when you, you see your friends, you don't say, Oh, damn, all these people on the apps are ghosting me. And they suck. You say, I'm on the apps, haven't found anyone yet. But I am so can't wait to meet a partner that I can spend Friday night with. We're going to barbecue. And then we're going to watch this show. That's going to be an awesome partner, life partner to have. Rather than getting together with your friends and bitching about how everyone sucks. I mean, you can do that for a little bit because we do that. But if that's how you show up, thinking that nothing's going to work out for

you and you'll never find that person, you're less likely to find that person if you don't believe that that person exists. Makes sense, right? So what are you going to do to find that person? Well, that's it for today's episode. I'll see you on Friday. And thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review.

And tell all your friends, your partners, your lovers about the show. If it's helped you, I promise it'll help them too. We really show on Tuesdays and Fridays, and look out for a bonus episode every now and then. You can also find me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all sex with Emily. Oh, and I give really good newsletter. Sign up at sexwithemla.com. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating life, relationships,

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