Sex With Emily - Edge Your Way to Longer Sex

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

You’ve heard me talk about the importance of a woman’s orgasm but you’re still wondering, ‘what about men?’ On today's show, I give tips and tricks for both genders on how to achieve their most powerful orgasm yet. Then, I share toys specifically for male pleasure.Stick around for the end of the show because I answer even more of your questions and calls. Including, tips for oral sex, the importance of loving your body and confidence even if you Plus, I speculate on the distinction between someone who is interested in dating vs keeping it platonic.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm talking about how to strengthen your orgasm, no matter what your gender or how you identify. Also, steps you can take to check in with your partner so you better communication and little things, you know, like leaving the cut board open don't become a huge issue. All this and more, thanks for listening. So it is really important to know your body first and getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you. I get it! That's a little confusing. The and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate conversation around sex.

Alright, today I'm talking about two things that I think are really important and fun. Actually, they actually will both help your sex life in your relationship. The first thing is, you know, I know that we talk a lot about female pleasure and orgasms and how to have them and how to have multiples and she comes first and all those things I say. But the truth is, there are ways. Many ways that men, penis owners as we say in the business, could also enhance their orgasms, prolong their orgasms, their arousal. And I get my fair share on this show. I'm going to talk about how men can explore as well. Also, you know I'm all about communication. Communication is a lubrication. How do you communicate with your partner? How do you get ahead of problems before they become

much bigger? So really I'm talking about how to check in with your partner, how to bring up big issues, especially how to bring up small issues. And again, we don't want those little annoying habits of our partner to become something really big. So a few things I know that I want to talk to you about tonight. But the first thing I want to tell you is that interesting email from a guy who was like, you talk so much about women's pleasure and she comes first in all these things. But what about men?

What about men's pleasure and men's orgasms and, you know, his point? So we're going to talk about men's pleasure as well. It's about how do we communicate about our needs? How do we even get ahead of our needs before it becomes a big problem? This is from Ryan 48 in Indiana. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm trying to find information on how a woman can give her man more and better orgasms. There doesn't seem to be much info on the subject. I can find plenty of information on how to give a woman more and better orgasms, there doesn't seem to be much info on the subject. I can find plenty of information on how to give a woman more and better orgasms, or their tips on how a man can improve his own orgasm. Haven't found anything on a woman can help her man have bigger, better orgasms either.

Apparently, a man is responsible for the quality of all orgasms in the sexual relationship, and women aren't. I know this sounds bitter, but it's really weighing on me. for the quality of all orgasms in the sexual relationship. And women aren't. I know this sounds bitter, but it's really weighing on me. And I hear what he is saying, because I talk a lot on this show about women's orgasms and women's pleasure. And there's even an infamous book called,

you know, She Comes First by Dr. Ian Kurner. I think it just had its 20 year anniversary. But I get how that could make you feel as a man. It's like, okay, so now we're responsible for everything. We got to ask someone out. We got to make all the moves. And I hear you and I understand that and it is not fair. But the reason why though, though, I say these things is because women typically are the ones who are having challenges around orgasm and around arousal and around pleasure. Whereas men typically are going to have their orgasm. It's going to happen. They're going to get aroused out. You might orgasm too

quickly before you want to. Oh, you might take you while the orgasm, but men are typically going to have an orgasm that said we can focus on that because there are ways that I might not even realize could enhance your old orgasm, whether you are alone, pleasing yourself, or whether you're with a partner. You can absolutely tell your partner what you might need. Now I'm going to assume I'm going to talk about men being with women right now, because you know, there's so many studies about couples in same-sex relationships. They have more pleasure, they have more orgasms, better communication.

So, a few things, and we also have a blog on our site called How to Come Harder and Faster. We'll put that in the show notes at sexwithemily.com because everything we talk about on the show, you can find it sexwithemily.com. So it is really important to know your body first. So what actually feels good to you and how to be able to advocate that and let your partner know what feels good to you and being able to show them, like, it feels really good when you touch the shaft of my penis that way when you use your tongue this way. But I think a lot of it has to do with for men, here's just a few points. First thing that comes to mind is edging. We're talking technically

about an orgasm, prolonging your pleasure. That's all about edging. And what I mean by edging is delay our gratification. So the practice of edging can delay orgasm. When you delay your orgasm, you can have a more intense climax to your orgasms. And again, nothing's for everyone, but I believe this is true from all the evidence for myself. When I wait for orgasm or I more rouse or there's more for play that would be pause on our way to climax. So when we kind of slow it down, we ask, but this is the edging, you get right to the edge and then you come back. That's how we call it edging. You get right to the edge of orgasm and then you dial it down. You keep touching

yourself until you're back to orgasm. Pull back. You get to the edge. Pull back. The more you do that, when you finally orgasm, they finally ejaculate. Your orgasm will be that much stronger. So you just, you know, you can do that a few times and see how it goes. So you could practice center on or with a partner. The more we wait, the more we build, the more we build tension and arousal, the stronger orgasms are going to be for everyone. So the truth is the tips that I give for women, I also going to give for men that there's something about denying it. And edging technically is also a great thing for men who want to last longer and bad. So if you are premature ejaculator, working on this practice of touching yourself mastermitting until like you get to like 75 80%, meaning like 100% you're about to orgasm. But you come back down

to like 75% and then you stop. And when you stop and you maybe just go back to light touching, maybe if you're with your partner, you go back to like making out and then you go back and you start to build the arousal again. And then maybe you come back to like making out and then you go back and you start to build The arousal again, and then maybe you come back down again. You still don't let yourself ejaculate when you do this process repeated cycle of Escalation and deescalation when you actually do have that orgasm Way more likely to have a longer, maybe more intense, more pleasurable orgasm. You know, a lot of us don't make a doubt of noise during sex. I got to say that the more we are vocalized, the more sound we make, the louder our orgasm is, that can actually

also intensify your orgasm. A lot of us hold back because we're afraid that we make a noise, it sounds weird, or the neighbors are going to hear us, but it's really hot to be, I think, expressed yourself, be like, and I know, and I know it's better for your orgasm, too. I mean, everyone, I think, has the equal opportunity to having intense orgasms. I think that we all deserve to understand what it takes to have more pleasure, more orgasm. And so figuring out what that is for you, I think another thing is that a lot of it just rush right to orgasm and that slowing down and taking your time, you know, one of my top tips is to go five times slower than you think. And that prolonging and that teasing and that

arousal until the point of orgasm can be so friggin hot. So specifically for men too, and this is for women actually, see I think a lot of my tips for enhancing orgasm and arousal for all genders, cagul exercises can be done for everyone. Everyone can do that. We all have a pelvic floor and we all have those muscles. And I know that a lot of men think

that they don't realize they can do that, but those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasms. So the stronger you can make them, they can give you more control over your orgasm. You could have more intense orgasms because you're building the muscles responsible. Like those are the muscles that you think about it. It's the peace-stopping muscles. So when you're trying to stop and start the flow of urine and you tense and relax and tense, those are the muscles.

And if you do them five minutes a day, you actually realize that you just might have stronger orgasms, more pleasure, more bladder control as well. Because there's also some body parts that are actually going to make your orgasms stronger too. So the other thing for men to enhance their orgasms and their pleasure is you know, men have a prostate, right? We always talk about the female g-spot, women have the special spot, special areas I like to call it We always talk about the female G-spot, women have the special spot, special areas I like to call it, but for men, that is your prostate, and all men have a prostate.

And for many men that can feel amazing and playing with that area, either when you're alone or with a partner, can really enhance your orgasms as well. Just using a finger and going inside, it can be sensitive, you can do it at the same time of a horizontal, when you're having sex with a partner, when you're masturbating, playing with that,

your prostate and learning how to stimulate it could give you intense orgasms, definitely intense by them. You know some other things you could do, kind of think of other areas, like the taint, your perinium, think about the taint, you could apply pressure on that area, right? In between your penis and your anus,

that little area there, that could feel so good. Either you or your partner applying pressure right there in that area in between because you're like indirectly stimulating the area, the prostate, actually, you can stimulate your prostate, because I'm externally by pressing on your perineum. Did you know that? The taint, if you will. That can feel great as well. Another great thing speaking of prostate Wi-Fi makes this product called the vector, and that is an easy way to explore your prostate. Put it inside your prostate. It vibrates. You can use an app to control it and explore. Listen, it's all about exploration. Another great

product to use atoy is the zoomio, And these are all on our website as well, but zoomio makes a really cool toy that it's sort of like built for exploring because we have so many nerve endings on our bodies that we don't ever explore. We're like, okay, my penis feels great, my nipples feel good, my clitoris, I love that. But the thing about the zoomio is that at pinpoints areas

for pleasure, so you could about the zoomios is that it pinpoints areas for pleasure so you can use, you know, and listen. If you still feel like vibrators and vibrations and vibrators are like vibrators or only for women, vibrators would discriminate. They're good for all body parts. And it just is a way of sort of like slowly discovering what feels good.

Another great thing to do is to slow down. Slow everything down. Five times slower. That great thing to do is to slow down. Slow everything down. Five times slower. That is going to prolong it. Let's talk to Nadine 40. Hi Nadine, what's going on? Dr. Emily, I have a question. I'm sure. I really tries a lot of like medicine and over the counter. Can you tell me how to last longer? Yeah, absolutely. It's a great question because this is what we're talking about. We're talking about lasting longer.

Now, you said you've tried medicines. I'm not sure what that is, but I wouldn't recommend any depressant. I mean, there is something. The only thing I would recommend is promising because it's a topical, prediropenus men lasts up to 60% longer. It's like you put on 10, 15 minutes before,

in a course, and you can last longer. It's a delay spray. So that's one thing. So it's called per mess that we have in our site, but if you want to learn in ADN, you want to train your body. First thing I recommend for all men is edging. And that is what we've been talking about is,

when you're masturbating, you masturbate until you're, like let's say, 100% is an orgasm, right? So you masturbate till like you're at 75% you feel like you're about to hit the edge and then you come back down and you are playing with those muscles. You're actually learning to understand you're a jackatory control. So you can understand and train yourself so you don't orgasm. It also helps strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, your kegels. Have you tried any of those things?

No honey, I didn't try to. I would recommend all those things because it's a process, it's a process to last longer. You know you can orgasm but what about playing with your arousal? We've got some great blogs on our website at sexwithemily.com. We're going to put some in the show notes right now if you go to sex with Emily and you click on the show notes, you'll see that we'll put some links to blogs. I would just try to find somebody that works with men's health specifically. And I would definitely get another opinion because I believe everything's possible.

Okay. Don't go anywhere. We've got so much more to talk about after this break. This is from Sarah, 23 New York. Hey, I'm a 23-year-old girl with double A cups. I keep seeing posts that boobsize doesn't matter, but I'm having trouble getting it through my head and it definitely affects my confidence in intimate situations. How can I feel confident and sexy in the bedroom with my super flat chest? Alright, Sarah, thanks for this question because, you know, I get it.

You don't see culture, society, glorifying, smaller breasts were never told, like from a young age, like, oh, big boobs and all that stuff. But here's the thing about confidence. And just remember, it is a, I'm love that you're asking this at 23 because it is a process and it takes time to learn to accept our bodies and love our bodies.

And I don't, I guess what I always thought was, and what I still believe, for my sexual confidence, what really helped me was understanding like what felt good to me. So when I was with someone intimately, like I felt confident in my ability to move in certain ways that felt good, like through masturbation, I learned about orgasm and I learned about pleasure. And so I feel like that confidence truly is, and I don't want to sound cliche, but that really is like the sexiest thing in the bedroom

because somebody who's confident and knows their bodies and what feels good and knows how to give themselves pleasure and others pleasure, like that is sexy. So, well, I can't get you to say like you should just love your body. There's just certain amount of body acceptance that I like to preach. There's some things you know we've talked about like exposure exercises like getting naked in your bedroom and looking at your body and touching yourself all over and realizing like how magical your body is and how much pleasure

you can give yourself. Yeah maybe you can have a nipple orgasm. I think that many of us can but we don't know because we never try it out. And also just know that this whole notion that only like your partners want to be with it, everyone is craving large breasts. I can tell you just not true. Now, maybe I haven't been with those guys because they're just wouldn't be attracted to me, but like, I don't spend my time worrying about the people that aren't attracted to me. I spend my time worrying about the people that I'm attracted to and return that. They return that attraction. I could spend a lot of time on those negatives, but just like everything in life when we focus on our literally our assets and the things that just make us who we are uniquely and all the pleasure and erogenous zones and all those things.

So I think the first thing realizing like it is in your head and maybe you were shamed, right? Maybe someone said, oh, it couldn't be with you. And then I would just say like even though that might hurt, that's not your person. And you will find someone who is your person. So that's what I think. Again, it's a progress not perfection and keep working on yourself. And not making apologies and not saying, I know they're small and just like learning to say, you know what? I like my body. This is what my body can do and getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you. People show you who they are, believe them.

You guys, you can also send me questions to feedback at sexwithemily.com. I know a lot of you are setting emails through there and through Instagram, it's at sex with Emily. Okay, we have another one from AJ35 in Boston and he says, I'm a straight male, but I've used my girlfriend's vibrator on my frenulum and it feels pretty great. Is there another toy you'd recommend more?

So if you don't know, the frenulum is the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the tip. So think about that, like the unwind, it's erect, the underside of it, there's this little area there. It actually is left over erectile tissue, if you're circumcised, that's like the unwitting erect, the underside of it. There's this little area there. It actually is left over erectile tissue. If you're circumcised, that's actually what that tissue is, white, so sensitive. Just FYI, and if you are non-circumcised, you're whole, all your foreskin is sensitive. But anyway, that's where the freinulum came from, and I think I've told this to a lot of

penis owners, and they're like, I didn't know it had a name, but yeah, that feels really good. So that is the freinulum. Just think of it as your new best friend. If you didn't already know it. Well, I love when guys ask me questions about toys is because there is this notion that toys are just for volvas or like women, you know, we have the, you know, monopoly on vibrations.

And if you use a vibrato, you know, men shouldn't need a vibration. And while I'm telling you, vibrators, the vibration sense feels great on so many parts of our body. I mean, even the magic wand, which is a big external vibrator, it's actually started as a massageer. So it's a great way to incorporate into a personal massage with a partner or with yourself. But for your friend and a limb, there are a few toys for men that are awesome. I recommend the hot octopus.

It's a masturbation sleeve, if you will. Kind of looks like a hot dog, right? And your penis is the hot dog and it wraps around it. And it has this little oscillation function. So it's not so much a vibration, but when your penis is resting in it, it sort of oscillates right on the front of the line. And it feels amazing. Like, I gave one to an ex-boy friend and he like, I didn't say for a week. He's's like this friggin' thing is amazing. There's also just like little bullet vibes. It always says you took your girlfriend's vibrator. So you probably know that really just like a little bullet vibe

like the new sensual is great. And also there's a vibrating penis rings like the one from Wevibe Collin here says he loves his vibrating cock ring. I'm so glad you haven't told me. Do you want to talk about it? The pivot, right? Oh, sure. I'm not sure what I did. Did we not give you? Okay, but just tell me. Tell me how you use it. I for one I did not know this existed three months ago and now it's like I just can't. It's amazing.

It just feels great. Do you use it with your wife? Do you use it during, and of course, or do you use it on your own? Yes, both. Right? It's great with my wife because it's the way it's positioned. You can position it so that it vibrates on her clitoris

at the same time, which is great for both of us. It's a nice easy way to get a vibrator going while you're having penetrative sex. Right. Exactly. And we know that for the majority of women that they require more collateral stimulation anyway during intercourse, and that's how they're more likely to orgasm. So to me, like a penis ring is the perfect, like, intro toy or gateway toy, because first off, it's intimacy building. like it's like, it's a shared experience. It's not this notion that it's gonna like somehow take away

from the relationships. I don't like you both go to bed and like dreaming of the cock rain. Like, maybe you do, but make sure closer together, right? In a way. Oh yeah. It doesn't take one of your hands. You still can use your hands.

Exactly. There you go. You still have your two hands and then you have a toy that feels incredible. Did you think before this column before you got that that maybe like had you ever tried a vibration on your penis before? I hadn't. Oh. It's the whole new world, right?

Yeah, it's incredible. It's wild to me that we don't talk more about, yeah, using vibrators with penises. Okay, this is from Julie Forty in Canada. She says, I'd like to give better oral sex to my boyfriend, but I find my jaw gets tired. Is there something I can do for that? All right, I like this question because I used to, I think that that has happened to me before and I know it's a common complaint with people who are going down on penises and they're like my mouth hurts my jaw hurts I mean it's really hard how do I do it how do I keep going and let me tell you this if your mouth if your jaw

hurts when you are performing oral sex on somebody it means that you're doing something a little wrong and that is you are not using all of the tools that you have available and what you also have available are your two hands. And those are your best friends and you are going down on a guy because it's not all about your mouth. I know it's confusing, blow job, be call it oral. And you're like, what, what are the hands? Yes, listen, it's all about stimulating, it's all about the grip, the pressure that you're

applying to the penis. You could use your mouth enhanced together. So you know, your mouth and hands are kind of following each other, going down the penis and up the penis. You could use both hands. You could use a lot of, always use a lot of loop. You know how I feel about that. But I feel like this whole like mouth tired thing means that you're probably also not relaxed

either Julie. Like maybe there's a part of you that's in this tense. I got to do it right. I can't move my mouth and I just think that we put so much pressure on ourselves and so I think like a hand I mean our mouths can't provide what our hand can because you can definitely make sure that there's enough grip there's enough friction and again working with your mouth. That is one of my top tips but the other thing is what I wonder, there's this been this whole trend lately. And I would say there's a lot of things that I can track to the availability of porn on our smartphones. Since I've been doing this for a long time, I see where these questions started coming in and one of

them was about deep-throating. And so there's this whole notion because we see that a lot in porn that perhaps that's how you give a great blowjob is by basically choking on a guy's penis. And I'm just gonna say that I believe a lot of that is for camera. And perhaps I don't have a penis, but there must be some kind of thrill in it like, oh it's so big or you know she's choking on it. And I think it's more performative than it is like you gotta have like Like you gotta have your mouth in your jaw hurt. And I also don't think that that is the norm or maybe someone wants it sometimes

or maybe they see it in porn. But I don't think that you have to do anything. It's actually until it causes you pain. And this goes for someone going down on a vulva. And I've heard this as well. My mouth gets tired, mouth gets tired. Well, like use your hands, get comfortable, put a pillow down, get in a comfortable position.

It's not like, go give your partner oral and it's gonna be torturous. It already is for some people. Like a lot of people don't even like performing oral or they're just doing it to like, you know, check it off the list, which I don't want that for any of you. Like I want you to enjoy whatever you are doing to your partner and there are hacks there are ways to enjoy it.

I mean, let's say oral. So always add some lube, especially with a penis. There's flavored lubs that are awesome. We love muse lubs that come in like creme brulee and min chocolate chip and all these flavors that actually taste good. You could use toys, you could again, using both of your hands in conjunction with your mouth,

your tongue, all the things. So make sure, if you need to stop for a minute, so you know what, my legs are getting cracked here. Stop for a minute and keep using your hands because as long as you keep stimulating the body part of wherever you're at, like it's okay to take your mouth off and just keep using your hands. You've come to the right place. The other thing I want to say for a tired jaw, the pivot, we're talking about the pivot

penis ring, cock ring ring by Wevibe. For a tire jaw, I'm telling you to Julie and Canada who's like, I'm getting a lot jaw. Just like use your hand, you could put the cock ring on, you could just tickle the tip or the tape with a vibrator on a lower setting. I think sometimes the high settings is a lot for some penises.

And I think in relationships, we all crave variety. I think we all want something a little bit different. And so this notion that bringing a toy somehow crutch are going to take away, it's like, okay, or you could have sex the same exact way over and over again every day for the rest of your life, bringing a different sensation. Have a party. Try the pivot. I don't know a problem with that, but I maybe we have in our head there's a rule like you can't stop, but you keep going if you can't stop. And I don't think you should just stop and walk away. But again, using your hands,

it stops you for a moment and give your mouth the rest. So that's how I feel, Julie. Those are great questions. I would also recommend another thing that's in my toolkit right now. My sexy toolkit is I love the XSENS. Has this, they make all of these massage oils and they also talk about great flavors and scents.

They have like, what is like vanilla and avocado and peanut calada and not in the cheesy way, they're like beautiful bottles and they smell really good and they're massage oils but they could also be used as a lube. And what I love about them is they smell good and they're not actually oil. Like I'm saying they're massage oil, but they're not oil

and they somehow magically make it feel like oil. So you could massage your partner with it. You could use it for a hand job. You could use it for oral. And again, it's just one of these things that, and I don't know about you, but I've been hearing, well, I do know about you because you're all emailing me and calling me that like you might be home

with your partner of the last six months unlike any other time. And you love each other and you like your sex life, but how do you do something different? And the great thing is, and I do this two symptoms, I could testrify as I'm like, oh, I need to change something in my life. And I have to do a huge sweeping thing. I need to be so different and change everything. But a lot of times, especially when it comes to riding your sex life, it's just like one

thing. Like it could just be like, we're gonna give each other massages before we have sex tonight. I'm gonna give you a hand job before sex. We're gonna, you know, use a toy. All these things are like little changes, or a new position, it doesn't have to be a whole overhaul of your sex life. It's just variety.

And we crave variety because if you think about all the feel-good hormones that are released during intercourse and during orgasm and dopamine is one of them dopamine is like that thrill seeking which is why things are so great the beginning of a relationship like the first six months because you're so attracted to each other and everything's new right oh we've never done this position and I've never seen my partner naked and that is so exciting but after wow there's nothing changed the sex you're still doing the same positions and you're kissing the same way, but you're a little bit bored. You're like, I want something different. And that's because you're no longer having that, it's the dopamine, you're craving variety. And so when you try something new, a toy,

giving each other massages, unexpected, something spontaneous, that's going to spike the dopamine, which is the bonding hormone as well, well it connects to all of them. And we'll allow you guys to feel closer again and be like, oh wow, we did something new, it just, it doesn't take a lot of changes. And it's just talking about it to kind of breathe new life into a stale sex life. So that's all I feel about that. Don't go anywhere, there's more sex with Emily coming right up. Don't go anywhere. There's more sex with Emily coming right up. Let's talk to Chris 18 in Florida. Hi Chris. Hey. What's going on? My girlfriend like used to really get into me and now like my friend figured out she's dreaming. So I don't know

what to do. Chris I'm sorry. That's a bummer that okay, so how long have you guys been together? About five months and now she's starting to cheat on my friend Well, you know that is so hurtful and I'm sorry that happened and I know is this your first girlfriend or like your first love? Yeah, it hurts all have you Yeah, that's a thing they always hurt more each time, you know, you think I can't be hurt and then it hurts, huh? Have you heard more than the first? Yeah, that's a thing. They always hurt more each time. You know, you think I can't be heard and then it hurts. Well, so you guys had an agreement that you guys were committed and you were monogamous.

Like just two of you. Yeah, we were going straight for about two months and then just recently, I figured out that I don't know how long it's been. She just figured out and it's just it just hurt Like I was crying all morning. Oh Chris, it is it's the most it hurts so bad when somebody violates our Trust right when we're like this is someone I believe like was open and vulnerable and it just hurts and are you gonna talk to her? You're gonna like let her know how you feel. Yeah, probably I'm a musician, stuffy,

students to get over it. So that's probably what I'm going to do. Yeah, you know, Chris, what I would recommend. I mean, I think right now like you're heard and you're angry and you just found out and you know, you're going to continue to you will get through this. I just want you to know when it feels like you won't like I promise you.

Like it gets you learn from this stuff, and it'll get easier. But I think it's good that you were crying and that you're feeling it and that you called me because that's actually the healthiest ways to actually feel your feelings. And there's nothing really that I can tell you to do. I mean, what I would recommend, honestly, Chris, which might be hard, is I would talk to her and just say, you know, and just let her know, say, this is what I heard. I wanted to talk to you.

And I would try to do it in the most calming way you can and just be like, I'm kind of disappointed. I heard that you were with someone else, you know, can you tell me about that? And then see what she says. There's just going to be these things. This is going to be a great learning experience for you. You'll maybe in your next relationships, you'll be able to talk about like how this felt and that they, that it's important to be committed and That if they want to see someone they should tell you first. That's how I feel about cheating because you know

I used to be a cheater Chris. I used to be a cheater when I was 17 I dated this girl that was in college at my high school and I fucked up and I She just blew me up. She didn't give give me another chance when I tried so hard. I know how I feel so. Do you remember why you cheated? Yeah, this is the only thing I did for Snapchat with the mother-to-girl, and then she got pissed off. Yeah, you know, and then you're like, oh, what I do.

And that's how you learn. It didn't feel good to me either. I think what happened to me was I didn't know how to tell the guy. I didn't know that relationships took work And that actually like I was like oh this other guy likes me and that feels really good for my ego And then I'll go sleep with this other guy and I was like oh I actually did like my boyfriend like I've learned now It took me years to learn like oh actually you could talk to your partner before you cheat and say oh You know what I've been feeling a little weird lately and like maybe you're not that into me or whatever and then and then I didn't cheat anymore You know, but it's like we kind of fuck up and we do it and then

we learn. So you know that you did it and she's doing it and like this is gonna hurt right now but I think you could also learn some really cool lessons about yourself and what's important and communicating. Yeah, how else can I help you do think you're gonna talk to her? Like I maybe you could write about you said you're do you write songs? You sing? Yeah, I'm gonna be a musician, I've been playing guitar for since I was 10 and I'm 18 now. So like, nice. That's how I usually cope, but that's how I don't know if I can do that. I recommend that you keep feeling your feelings.

You, I wouldn't do anything drastic. Like since you want to write a hateful email, like I just got from a listener, sometimes you want to do something that you might regret, but it's best just to kind of feel the feelings be with your friends it actually are cool and support this kind of thing not the ones who like she's nice oh go fuck someone else like you can have those friends but I wouldn't necessarily hang out with them tonight tomorrow yeah I think you're gonna learn stuff if you wanted to call me back and just like we can chat because I've been thinking about you know all weekend of course Chris anything I appreciate it. Of course, Chris, anything else I can do?

I think that's it. Thank you very much. I appreciate it a lot. Of course, I'll be here for you. Just take care of yourself. Okay? You'll get through this. I promise. Thanks for your call, Chris. I appreciate you. So, this, I got an email too. Let's talk about, there's another thing that is related to what I talk about. And that is the friend zone.

So, the friend zone comes up a lot. This is from Felix, 29 in New York. And he's like, I decided to decide the pool of online dating. But on a couple dates, nothing has stood out recently. Imagine the girl we had a picnic in a park, couple drinks, as our first date. I thought we had a great connection and we texted. I told her I'll be leaving town and I wanted to see her. Her response.

She really asked them and I really want to hang out as friends, but I need to see my schedule. I'm busy with work and I don't know until I'll be free within the coming weeks. Let me know in your back. We'll grab a drink. I've been on post dating situations where the girl was straight forward and blunt and says you're not what I'm looking for, best of luck in your search. I'm really busy, but now I'm confused.

You know, does this mean she wants to hang out or not? Does she want to be friends or there's an irony in that message? Maybe I'm overthinking prior approach to post-quarantine, but would love to hear your thoughts, comments, clarifications. Great question. I vote for the direct. I'm not into it. Best of luck with your search.

It's one day. We don't owe people anything. In fact, be honest. Be real. This is how I felt about the date. And I... She's kind of, I get it. That's a little confusing, right? Maybe she doesn't know yet.

Maybe she is saying, I don't even know that's a friend zone. She might be someone who's not great with conflict, doesn't want to let them down. I think what you deserve to do Felix, you deserve to text her back, clarify it and say, I just want to clarify here, I want to know, like I really hang out with you you to be honest is helpful to know do actually want to hang out a few weeks or not. I'd love to know either way as for clarification because I believe it and then gotta be honest and going to my mind I'm like I've done that I've done that kind of thing because I think sometimes I've just kind of been a pussy about it. I'm like oh I don't know I don't want to I've done all the things you guys that I'm here talking to you. But that doesn't feel as good because then the guy texts me back and says, really, when I hang out and then and then so does any more time to think about it and then maybe I didn't, I think it's unclear.

What you can do is keep dating, doing your thing, Felix. Maybe you feel if you text her right now, that's too aggressive because actually if a guy did that, you know, I don't know what kind of person she is. You could wait till you're back. Listen, you could wait till you're back in a week or two, but like, hey, I'm back. You want to hang out? Get that drink. And then you'll know, because to me, this doesn't actually in reading out. It doesn't sound like it's a friend's own thing. It's more like either let's hang out in your back, or she's not sure. I don't see this as a friend's own person. Now that I'm reading it in length, oh, she said when I got his friends out, so see I don't know I'm confused. Listen, I don't know what it is all I'm saying

is to me she used the fucking term friend. So if we're gonna get into the friend zone thing here and you have a history of a friend zone, either I say this is my final decision, wait till you get back in a week, say hey you want to hang out. And then when she says, yeah great how about Tuesday and say I just want to clarify. You mentioned a friend thing I actually thought you were really cool and I actually I'm looking to hang out more than that. What do you think in? And then when she says, yeah, great, how about Tuesday and say, I just want to clarify. You mentioned a friend thing. I actually thought you were really cool and I actually, I'm looking to hang out more than that. What are you thinking? And then you can clarify when you get back in town.

Sometimes people don't know. Maybe she's dating someone else too. But I think it's okay to ask for what you need and ask for clarification, but I would just chill and wait. Now here's the friend zone thing. Friend zone happens when we act as a friend before it's even romantic. Well, I'm going to listen to your problems. Oh, I know how to fix a car. I know how to do this thing for you. Friends own happens when we act as a friend before it's even romantic. Well, I'm gonna listen to your problem.

So I know how to fix a car. I know how to do this thing for you. I know how to listen to do all the things that a friend would do before we've actually had sex and established that there's an attraction. That's when you are digging your own grave. That's when you are digging your own friends. I'm like, you've taken the first shovel

into the ground of your friends on your like, this is my friend's own grave. You haven't done that yet Felix, but I think it's okay to follow up and ask for clarification. But if I said I'd like to be friends with someone, that would be my way of saying, I'm not, I don't feel in traction. If I use the word friend, now I don't know,

I'm not 29 years old, but I believe if you say I use the word friend, the same thing as saying like, I see you as a friend. You know, I've put guys in the friend zone before and I think it's, you know, I think I'm like, well, they really want to be friends but it can be hurtful and the guys I think that actually stand up and are like clear like this is what I need in a loving way like I think you're cool too and maybe you want to

be friends with her but it's okay to ask people for what you need and for clarification. I think this whole I gotta be cool I gotta be chill think I think that's dated. I think what is cool is not to be a dick but to be like hey I heard what you said I thought you were cool too. I think what is cool is not to be a dick, but to be like, hey, I heard what you said I thought you were cool too. I'm actually looking to spend my time dating someone who you actually get romantic with, but you're awesome too, have a nice life. It's okay to gas for it, and not just to kind of be like, whatever, I'll just keep showing

up till she wants to sleep with me, like that's also a waste of time. So let's all learn how to communicate better. That's all I feel to me. So tell me this. Did you hear a tip or a trick or conversation that you just know, your friend or family member or colleague would just love? Well, how about listening with that? Losing with your partner to learn something new. Also, please like, review, and share this podcast with the ones you love.