Sex With Emily - Elevated Anal with Dr. Hernando Chaves

Episode Date: August 10, 2016

Anal sex month is officially upon us! In this show, Emily is joined by sex therapist and backdoor enthusiast Dr. Hernando Chaves to help you navigate the waters of anal exploration! Emily and Hernando bust myths and quell fears surrounding the taboo sex act, discuss the best pre-anal preparation tactics and teach you exactly how to get the most pleasure possible out of your rear-end romp! Then, the two address your anal inquiries, with topics including pegging, polyamory, and pre-anal panic. Whether you totally love it, aren’t really into it, or you’re just plain curious about the world of anal play, this podcast is packed full of tips to elevate your anal sex experience! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Today's show I'm joining my favorite sex therapist and friend Dr. Hernandez Chavez to bring you into anal pleasure month the right way. What we discussing some of the myths and taboos about anal sex, how to prep for it, how to get the most pleasure possible from your back door explorations, and also answering your emails. Thanks for listening. Okay guys, turn your volume down for the next minute. I need to tell the lady something. Go ahead, trust me, it's for your own good. Alright ladies, it's just us now, I have news for you. Your guy loves to masturbate. Hey, it's natural, healthy and necessary. Let him know that not only is it cool with you, but that you want them to really enjoy it.

Surprising with the number one selling sex toy for men, get them a flashlight. Fleshlight's toys feel so real that they are truly the next best thing. They have models created for every preference you can think of, models that are perfect for travel, and one of our favorites, the Quick Shot. It's an open-ended sleeve that we like to call the hand job helper. And don't think your guy is the only one who will benefit from a flashlight. Their famous stamina training unit is all about helping guys learn to last longer. This is the gift that keeps on giving, so if you really want to turn them on, turn them

on with a flashlight. It'll be a surprise he won't forget. Just go to sexwithanley.com and click on the flashlightlesh-I-Banner right now. Annie, here, you just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, all right? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm off here. So, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can do so many things at our site. You can shop with Emily.

We've got a little shop tab. You can buy some toys. You can also send us an email directly from the website using the Ask Emily tab. We update it every day with content and fun things and blogs and videos so you can have better sex. And while you're there, you can also easily follow us on Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook,

which is facebook.com slash sex with Emily. Also, we're a YouTube camera everywhere. And you can also download the show on Google Play, SoundCloud, and Spotify. And I'm here with my friend, Hernando, Dr. Chavez. Hello. Emily, hello. You're like playing my little co-host today.

I know, I mean, you're a member. We kicked out men as we're like, you know, he can't do anal, like you can. You're like all over social media and the internet, you're like everywhere but Grindr. I'm not a Grindr yet. Exactly. Exactly. I don't know. You're right. But you know, I've done a little Tinder dabbling. Bumble dabbling. Yeah. How about you? How's your dating life? Uh, the Tinder bumbling is, you know, the swipe left swipe right, uh, it's up and down.

I know. You love it. You hate it. You're on it for three months. You get off it. You come right back. It's like, uh, it's like that uncle you can't stand. I've been trying exactly, I've been trying to come up with a term because I talk to my friends all the time and most of my girlfriends, but it's interesting, interesting that you're saying this, they're like, I deleted all my apps. And then like three months later,

they're back on the apps. And I want a term for that. Like what's that call when you sign, everyone does it. It's like, I'm over it and they're like, I'm gonna go back on Tinder. We all do it. We all do it. Well, I just did it, like a year and a half ago. And then I just started doing it. But it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. I don't know if this happens with with women, but for the guys, we have a lot of fake profiles. So you'll swipe. You can match. You're excited. And then

you'll get this like, you don't get don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that.

We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that.

We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. We don't get that. Fortunately, that'd be fun. But I thought it was interesting because I just went on Bumble, which is the app where women, you just kind of one of those swipe apps, and where women have to send the first message if you match. And I found that very interesting

because I've never done that. I've never had to send the first message, and I just was thinking to myself, God, I've never done this. What do you say? And I thought about all the advice I give men. And I was like, I'm not just gonna be like, Hey, hey sexy, nice app.

I'm like, I'm gonna be smart and funny. I'm gonna look at, read something in their profile show that I read it, because guys still do that. Right. So like, hey, hey, what's up? And now you know it's not that easy to make that first move, that ice breaker.

It is, I was like, I don't know. And then, but in Bumble they time you 24 hours. So what were some good messages? Do you know that you got from girls? Like, did you forget a bad message that you didn't respond or? You know, most of the time someone just says, hi, and you know, I want to get to know you, that makes me happy.

I don't need like anything to profound or poetic or I wrote poems. But I did once get somebody who found out I was a therapist and they probably wrote about 50 messages in a row about how awful their therapy experience was and how much they, but it turns out they, I think they had some some difficulties like mental health struggles. Right right. I kept saying, hey, hey you can help me. They want you be a therapist. But I mean what works for you? So a guy you know, it's a tender and he wants to say hi to you. I mean what's like the... Can tell you what doesn't work. I mean I mean there's I mean if you just say hi, it depends how many matches. I don't know if

hi just doesn't. I'm not saying I'm gonna like write someone off for that, but typically if it's just something that shows they read my profile and it's like something smart or like just that even smart just they noticed it like oh so you you went to you know Michigan and pretty cold I don't even know what I mean just show that you write it and just like hey beautiful like don't do that and don't just be like hi I mean I don't know I guess we match so you're like I don't know, I guess we match. I don't know how many matches you get. I feel like women get a lot more matches because guys, a lot of guys just had to swipe on everyone. So sometimes you get a lot

and they're like, hey, hey, hey, you know, look at their pictures again. I'm like, oh, I match with them. But typically, just to show that you have like a sense of humor or that you read something, it doesn't have to be anything like, particularly profound. Just take a moment. I find this one, I find this one too happens a lot. Like, when you do make that match and you do have some contact and communication, a lot of people don't want to turn it into real life. A lot of people want to keep it into text. And I'm always, you know, within the first,

at least three, four, or five days of me text and somebody else. You're like, okay. You want to meet for a drink or you want to go, you know, I want to get to know you. And then what happens is to go dark sometimes? Sometimes it's dark, sometimes you get a little ghosting, and then they might come back later.

But I also find that a lot of people are juggling so many different folks that like, sometimes you don't have the time to go catch a drink with you and maybe go hike with you, or lunch with you. And then there's just so much opportunity to meet so many people that you're kind of like, it's like, you're like a competition with the rest of the whole universe.

Yeah, I know it's true. That's the thing is that there are, I mean, I would say if anyone's like looking to date, they can't find anyone. I say why not, date online, try it. So if you like it, because it's just like in life, you can go out and you can meet many people bump into them with the coffee shop or, you know, I always say coffee shop at the bar or wherever, but this just increases your odds. It's a lot of as in numbers games.

So you might as well try online dating. Do you remember like the old days when they used to say like, oh, you should be a nice person at church or you can go to the library. Yeah, exactly. Never went to the post office. Never met any way to library. No, that's true. But I feel like, um, but yeah, that is the other thing that everyone's saying is which I think is true is that there are so many options. You had a date with someone and well, you're on that date. You can be met with 10 more people and you're like, it was a good date, but the thing is, with dating, like, takes a while to get to know someone. Maybe the first date, you know, you might want

to give it a second date or the first message was in great. You just kind of, I hear I think people think, well, it wasn't great. So I'm just going to keep going. Yeah. Because there's so many options. So that's a good time for dating. I'm going. In my heart, I'm a little old school. I like the in-person meeting. I still like being at a bar or out at, you know, some place, can you see somebody, you can just go up to them and you just park up a conversation and you buy up a drink

or you just, you just, in-person. No, if you can do that, if you go out enough and meet people and do that and I'm trying to go out more. I made you go out now and then, but you also, I mean, I go out. I see you all over Hollywood.

I'm all over Hollywood, but I'm also Instagram posts of you. But I think you said a good, when you say Instagram, everyone's like, your life in it, like it's Instagram. You're like in Frisco, you're in Cancun, you're in like all these different countries. Four months ago, the mom wasn't Cancun, it was fun. No, but I think it's interesting that I think you should have a time limit on. If you meet someone on Tinder, wherever, wherever, even match, however you're meeting them, or you're met at a bar and you've been texting for

two weeks, I feel like either make a plan or get out of that. Like why waste your life texting with someone you're never going to meet. So when you ask this girl out, then silence is like just keep moving on, right? You're like, like, and I think you should try to meet as soon as possible. Because it's just, you can never get that time back. Texting takes forever. Like I looked at them like, I've been texting for two hours. I'm exhausted Like just it's a waste of our time. It's sucking our life away texting Like I'd rather just like pick up the phone now I'm back to the phone I used to hate the phone. I'm like I don't want to call me now. I'm like let's just get this over within like a minute

Hey, I'm calling you from now on. Don't call me, but no I'll call you But um, yeah, so I'm glad you're here because it is anal sex month. Happy anal sex month. Every August, it comes around and the back door and I thought no better person than Dr. Hernandez Chavez who you're therapist, you see patients, clients, what do you call them? Everything. Clients.

And which I love that you do that. People come to see you for what would you say is the most common things people come to you for? I have a split practice, so half of it is alternative sexuality. They can be fetishes, kinky, into nomenogamy, and in their half it will be about sexual concerns, so they might have couples' issues, intimacy difficulties. Maybe their penis is not cooperating like they'd like to or their vagina or vulva is not cooperating as well.

So it's just people who want to improve their sex life. Right. That's great. I'm glad they can find it. And you can also find hernando. It's Dr.HernandoShaviz.com. That's C-H-E-V-E-S. Shaviz.

It'll also be on our website. Instagram and Twitter. Hernando underscore Chavez. So, and we're, if you wanna see us, we're gonna be a catalyst con on the, you'll be there the 15th of the 18th. We're gonna be there together, September 15th, doing something. You and I, we're gonna have-

A catalyst con, which is a conference, sex conference, C-A-T-A-L-Y-S-T-C-O-N.com. What are we doing there? I can't remember. You and I are going to do a joint presentation on sex toys, sex education, manufacturing, and sex therapy, and how we can all work together. Ooh. We'll be each other out and support each other

for better sexual health and awareness and pleasure for people and I love it. Can people come say hi? Anybody can come. It's open to the public. I'm excited. The conference you'd have to purchase a registration. But for this event, it's open to the public. It'll be on Thursday before the conference. And we're just hoping that it's going to create some awareness. If you want to come here, Emily and I speak, come check us out.

We've done speaking. We've done some talking. And so let's move into little anal sex because last year around this time we were holding up in my apartment. That sounds so dirty. Your list can show like what the hell are these two doing? This is... Hulling. Hulling.

No, we were not having sex. We were not... No. Mind sex. But mind sex. We were mind-fing each other, but you can swear it's fine, but I try not to often. But we were... I was prepping for an anal sex workshop, and her

name is a lot of workshops, and I was like, I'm just so much better working with you with someone 101, and we put together, you know, we've talked a lot about anal. And you're an anal connoisseur. I'd have to say that that's my favorite coffee shop to go to. Yeah. My favorite latte. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, I thought we could just do a little rundown here if these are like common questions You know people are really you know obsessed a lot of people are kind of obsessed with anal sex too and like want to know like You know, what do you think like the appeal is a regular so obsessed with it? Well, I think part of the the appeal about anal sex is also because it's in that area of the butt

And I think there's a lot of there's there's boob men there's butt men There's you know people who have different parts of the body. But when you're really into the ass, anal just makes sense. And so for a lot of people, especially Latin guys like myself or black guys or people of color, different cultures, it just seems to be this desire to want to engage with the curvature

and the hourglass area of. Like he's gripping an ass right now. I was just talking. It's very sexy. He's like the ass, the ass, the ass, the ass. I'm like, wow. I'm making like melons in my hand. But, and so I think that it,

for people that physical arousal does transfer into a lot of their desires. And then also, anal has this wonderful taboo sort of context to it that really does, I think, get under people's skin and psychologically, just get them excited and aroused. Because of the taboo. Yeah, it's true. under people's skin. It's like, logically, just get them excited and aroused. Because of the taboo. Yeah, that's true.

And people always want to know, like, how do I do it better? Are they afraid of it? We're gonna be answering some emails about it. But let's just break down some of the myths, let's say, or taboo's fears. The butt is exit only, not for pleasure. You know, we hear that, like, why do anal, you know,

and you can like have so many of the vagina or it's not even a Rajin's zone. Not true. Not true. For some people might be painful, they might be not in a Rajin zone, but for many, many it is. And I'm a lot of pleasure from it. I think a lot of people never give it a chance. And they have it in their mindset already that hey, this is not a place where I should go to that the exit only sort of philosophy is what I live and stand by, and they don't even experiment and explore. And imagine if we just denied ourselves from trying out something that could be so enjoyable or pleasurable, I always use the sushi metaphor.

Like how many of us did not want to try sushi that first time? Yeah, I didn't. Like, raw fish, are you kidding me? Like no, I'm not eating that. Like cook it, please. Right. And then all of a sudden, how many times do you, uh, go see? If I could, I would eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Yeah. I love sushi. Your favorite kind of sushi. Um, I just like a good, like a good tuna roll. Like tuna, spicy tuna, tuna, or eel and avocado roll. Yellowtail, hamachi. Oh my god, I'm getting so hungry. What, it melts in your mouth.

Tastes tacky, it's so good. That's what anal-sauce, anal-sauce, anal-sau What it melts in your mouth. Tucket, it's so good. That's what anal sex is. Anal sex can melt in your mouth. It's true, but people say another to speaking of melting in your mouth, it's too dirty, it's messy, it's painful. To be sexy, people think. But you know, no, it can be, you know,

there's poop in there, they think, oh, we can't be sexy, but we're gonna tell them how it can be. Anal sex is only for game at. And if you like it, that means that you're gay. People say that too. Not true, you're a straight man. I am. You identify straight. I identify straight. And, um, and you like, you know, play in your, in your anal, I like it. Oh, with my partners with myself.

So for me, it's a, it's a, it's an area that has so many nerve endings and it could be so like we said, taboo and arousing and pleasurable that we might as well explore to see if we have compatibility with our partners from that area. And this whole idea that it's dirty or unhygenic, I mean, look, when we take a shower, when we cleanse ourselves, when we do a little bit of prep work, I mean, that's how our bodies work. And we can, you know, freshen them up to a, a, a, in my opinion, to a place where we can feel really good about the sexual experiences and the, and the sense and the tastes and the touches that we have. Right. But how did you get into it?

How did you like the first time you tried it? Were you with a partner or did you with your owniness? Oh, because a lot of men. For myself or for what's the most important? Well, it doesn't, however you first, because a lot of men that I think that's the biggest thing I hear is guys are like, well now I feel like men are starting to say I'm kind of curious,

but I'm not really sure what to do. You know, like in all the things like, doesn't make it me gay, but I, you know, they don't know how to even stimulate themselves. So, I mean, I know you're a sex educator and a doctor and all that. You know, for myself, it was about a partner who just was mosing on around that area and just like started grazing in that region with their finger and I thought, you know, there was like a conflict

I was experiencing. It was like, wow, that feels really good, but whoa, that's not like what I'm supposed to be feeling or it should be like in that. So I'm going back and forth kind of in my was experiencing. It was like, wow, that feels really good, but whoa, that's not like what I'm supposed to be feeling or it shouldn't be like in that. So I'm going back and forth kind of in my head and you're kind of like, yes, more, no, please stop. And yes, no, more, please stop. Right.

And I just found that, you know, once you get comfortable with somebody and you want them. Was it a finger the first time? No, it wasn't even inside. It was just on the outside. Oh, right, the outside, because there are so many nerve endings that get feel really good.

Yeah. And a lot of people, a lot of women will play with your balls and they'll kind of like go a little bit south and then start playing with your pruny-yim. And then also, you're like, wow, that does feel kind of good. And then there's just like this accidental grace

on the anus, and then you're like, you could do that again if you want. Right. But you don't know how to say it, because you're like, right, because you're on a communicate. So what did you say? You're like, do that again.

Not the first time, no. I didn't say anything. I just like put in a memory box. Right. You're like, Oh, check. Yeah. Okay. Good. And then as we got, you know, we got more educated and more experience, like all of a sudden we realized, Oh, there can be like a communication about this. Or we can incorporate some loop where we can actually like involve this and enjoy it. So it's, it's a process. I know a lot of people listening.

That first step is the hardest one and just being able to acknowledge it within yourself That this is a place where I can venture to explore. Exactly men and women, it's true because a lot of women think that, you know, they don't like, you know, they think They don't like anal sex, they would never like it or be bad, maybe they had a bad experience or was really really painful Yeah, there's a lot of bad experiences I know, first time when they write it off forever because you know, you didn't use Lou, you weren't warmed up, someone just shoved it in like No, that's not good. That's why we're today, we're gonna

say I do it the right way. 20 here about my first experience on me. Oh yeah. So I was always fascinated by it with my first college girlfriend, and she would allow me to try, and I didn't know what I was doing. On her. On her.

I had no clue what I was doing. I was the, I mean, literally, I was just put a done sad on me. I was the most uneducated, I was just put a done sat on me. I was the most uneducated, like worst anal sex experience ever. I'm sure a lot of women cannot relate to what you're saying right now, right? And I didn't know. I mean, I cared about her. I loved her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't know I need a lube. So we would try these things with pans or body parts, penises, and no lube was involved. And just I can only imagine the awful experiences she was having.

And it was just the two of us not knowing what we were doing. Right. She didn't know to recommend it. I didn't know what to recommend. How would you know then? Right. So once we were taking a shower, and she was always a trooper. She was always like trying and trying.

And we just never could get, you know, it couldn't emulate like what I'd see in porn. And all of a sudden we're in the shower, and she was such a passive submissive sweet sweet girl. And just she got this like rage inside of her as we were taking a shower together She took her finger and she just jammed it up inside of me and I was literally plastered up against the tile And I was just like my hands were spread and I was like what the you know what the hell you doing? I was like under her total control. I couldn't move. I was like and she says now you know how it feels. Oh my god

And I was like whoa whoa, that's awful. So we didn't do it again after that. Wow, no, she did that just to show you wow. She didn't know. Yeah, she allowed to. That's why she showed it. And it hurt, right? Anyone goes right in like that right?

Oh, I hurt like, oh. Dude, that's a good story. And then is that what turned you into sex doctor? You're like, I don't want to get this right. I don't want to finger up my head. When I don't know. Okay, so let's try to prep. What do you say?

Did you figure it out with her? That's kind of killer. That's just like, just like a drunken thing. She was like in the shower, pre-meditated, I'm gonna say this finger in your butt. Wow. Cause how would you know? Yeah, guys don't think about that.

And women, we don't know, we don't know. We don't know, but that's what we're here to tell everyone. But it taught me a lot. Like she wasn't able to communicate that it was painful and I wasn't able to ask those questions. Right, we've all been there. That was like our non-guessive words to say this hurts and let's like take a break. Let's stop.

Because you keep trying. Yeah. You know, like I didn't know it was painful. It's funny that we, I mean, I've been there too, things have hurt and like, it's okay, you know, we're in pain. But that's what you should always speak up if you're in pain and we're not in pain. You should speak up about everything about sex, which is what we talk a lot about in the show. So let's talk about the preparation, getting ready for anal sex. So people are like, is it dirty? How do I wash that area? Do I need to do an enema?

Cleaner the runway. What do you recommend? I say you could do an enema if you wanted to. But it's not necessary. It's almost like some people say, well, I have to have a partner who takes a shower before we have sex. And some people are like, I don't really care. Like, I like the way you smell. And you know, it's a little bit of the day has gone by. Like, I'm okay with it.

So everybody's got their own sort of hygienic needs. That's true. But it should be talked about. We should get to know our partner's hygiene needs. And if playing in the A&S or playing in the rectum is part of like your desire, is you want to bring that up and just find out, like, where how far should we go,

because we can make it squeaky, squeaky clean, or we can just sort of ride the wave in the moment and just acknowledge that it might get a little dirty, might get a little messy, but that could be okay. Right, sex is messy, sex can be messy, it's okay. But if you just want to do the basic, you can just shower, clean your dynos beforehand. Right. Use non-irritating soap, stick a little finger inside, rinse, you know, just do that.

So I don't think that you, yeah, exactly. Case by case basis, decide how you feel about it, and stick out for that. Safety first, condoms, and very important. Clean and trim. Heronetta, you let me know that you trimmed your fingernails Keith I think you thought we were having you know I didn't know if this would be experiential right maybe yeah we just started so we'll see so clean and trim

fingernails very important because I always think you start with a finger yeah and and one mistake I made today is I didn't file my nails I know dude I'm sorry I was going to do it but you didn't file damn. Our most important starring role is Loub. Yes. Besides your finger, penis, or toys. Loub, it makes any sexual experience more pleasurable. I just, you know how I feel about Loub, the wider the better.

And the anal canal, that self lubricating, like the vagina can self will self lubricate. The analis will not. Like non-negotiable, you need lube during sex, but which lube is the best? You know, I found out how dry it was back in college and I've never forgot that. I've never forgot it.

And we've got, I think, you and I have had a great discussion earlier about, what can we do to help line that rectum? Yes, let's talk about it. We want to talk about that. Yeah, yeah, you show me some, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, oh my God, we took some videos. I'm gonna save the ones I've been Snapchat, but like, he came in here with a huge box of sex toys, butt plugs.

And he was like, what did you say? You're like, what if I got hit, walk, and grocery, and butt plugs went like flying cross-anemonic boulevard. And that would be hilarious. I would have laughed. I would have saved you, I would have come save you, but then I would have just had to take pictures of the butt plugs.

But you brought some cool stuff. Should we talk about some of the stuff happening with loop? Sure, sure. So as you were saying, the rectum doesn't self-lubricate like the vagina does. So we've got to take into consideration that the inside of the, of, of, during anal sex of the rectum is totally dry.

And that's where a lot of pain comes from people. So what are we going to do about that? You know, sometimes I, something I call the squeegee effect is what a lot of people will do. And it's one way to try to lubricate the rectum, but it actually sometimes works against us or it doesn't work very well. And what I mean by that is imagine the person

putting all this lubrication on the penis or on the dildo or the toy, and they're gonna have anal and they just like sort of insert it. And the anus itself, because it's closed and tight, actually like squeegees a lot of that lube off. So you're kind of inserting inside with very little lube, but you think you put a lot of lube off. Right, because you did, but it's on the outside or most of it.

Right. So now we have what? We have the lube shooter. Lube shooter? Do you recommend a lube shooter? I love them. I think they're really valuable, but it's not very sexy, especially if it's like a hookup or something you're just sort of getting into it with. Right. It literally looks like a water gun, but you shoot not very sexy, especially if it's like a hookup or somewhere you're just sort of getting, you know, it's a bit with.

It literally looks like a water gun, but you shoot the early, like a shot. Like a syringe, like a syringe, right? You fill it up with a lube and you could, you could, you could, you could, you could, shoot inside. Okay. But they have these new products. They have these new, like, like a gel, sort of silicone capsules that you insert inside of the rectum and they actually dissolve.

It takes about 15 to 30 minutes and it dissolves. It keeps dissolving in the along. That's really brilliant. It's like a lube suppository. I think it's brilliant. You could use it for vaginal, but I think it's really beneficial for... You could use it for vaginal as well. Obviously, yeah. That makes sense too, because it's true. Yeah, you've got to always have to be applied. Don't be ashamed to reapply. Lube on every nightstand. Emily, what do you think about water-based versus silicone? For anal or for anything. In life, I like them both. It depends what I'm doing.

I like hybrid too, but I like silicone for using skin condoms, which are probably supreme. You don't have to worry about it as much. Silicone last longer, it's slippery, slippery, slippery, slippery, slippery. Is it slippery? Slipy. Slipy. And less longer. And you know, it could be a little harder to clean up but I like it for anal but yeah what about you? I like silicone for anal for sure because it's definitely

because the water-based absorbs more in the rectum because it is a water absorption canal so it it will run out over time so if you are a person who lasts longer or if it's kind of like you know it could dry up a little bit inside there whereas the silicone would last a bit more. Personally, I've always liked a combination of different ones, but I'm kind of on this wicked ultra kick, that's my favorite loop right now, for anal and then for, if a partner

is comfortable with vaginal silicone use, I like Uberlube these days. Yeah, I like Uberlube. I like Joe Lube. I like Joe. They make a bunch of different kinds. Yeah, it's great. They do. Yeah, like hybrids. Oh my god, they sent us so much Loub. I'm going to send you home with some Loub. Appreciate it. How about that? And about plug. Oh, we did. We gave you the black pearl. Yes. The vibranax. Yeah. So you're going to try that tonight. Can you call? Can you be your guinea pig? But let's take a little attention we carry in our butt. And why that's important to relax.

Like, we walk around with tension in our butt. We do. And we don't breathe. We don't relax. And when we don't take breastfeeding, that's a lot of times we tense up. We're nervous. Like, something's going to rain for the first time.

We're going to be the 10th time. We're still going to tense up if you're not sure. So you've got to really remember to, like, to breathe. And to, like, massage the anus and to like work up the like don't just go right forward. Even if you've got the loop, you've got the condoms, you've got to still work at like, for play, a pre anal for play. Very important. And it helps to be roused. It helps if you're roused beforehand, have a few, you know, orgasms beforehand. That's one of the best. Right. The muscular release of of orgasm really

relaxes people's butts. I mean, that's a wonderful way to get that sphincter muscle to just sort of like calm down, maybe be a little more inviting and, exactly. Open their arms up and give us a big hug. Exactly. How'd play your sphincter?

Sphincter. It sounds like, what? A lot of people don't realize that our sphincter is we've got the internal and the external, so the outer and the inner sphincter. And so, you know, we can control the outer one. That's the one that we can like squeeze and wink and fucker. I always wink people with my sphincter, it's very weird.

Are you an anal winker? Yeah, I am. It's one of one skill. I can't wink really. Like, I literally don't have to wink with my eyes, but I can wink with my ass. That's all that matters. Yeah. We had to pick one of the other.

Right. We got the right one. Thanks. No, but what we're saying, the internal, and you can't control it. That one's a controlled one. Right. It's an air of the brain that is involuntary. And so we have to use anxiety reduction, breathing, calmness.

We have to be in a state that is a low anxiety for that to relax. So when we're nervous and afraid or uncomfortable, it's not going to be a good situation for that internal sphincter. Exactly. The internal sphincter, right? You got to treat it well. Okay, let's just talk about starting off. If you've never had, you know, you want to be comfortable, you want to, like, you can

try it by yourself, you know? Like, you just start just touching the ear end. This goes with the breather partner as well. Like, if you've never had any of the player, you just want to build up to it, put some lube on your finger. They can just gently start to like rub on the outside of the anus. There's lots of nerve endings there that can feel great. And make sure again, you know, you have blue on your finger.

And then you might just want to stick a finger in. So yeah, I feel it's slowly, slowly, work your way up to full penetration, maybe use a butt plug, fingers, toys, penises. Yeah, work your way up to, you know, fists. Fists? Have you ever fisted someone in the ass? I have not.

How about in their vagina? Uh, no. Never was there a time. No, just never peed. Didn't you have to pass that for like, if you come and sex therapist, like in school? Uh, I flunked that class apparently. You did flunk it.

I didn't do it. I was out of bed today. I didn't have to do that. It's so true. Okay, let's talk about, okay, so we've got Lou. What else do we forget? So we're just like warming up, working way after, even with your partner, like let's try and,

if you're not comfortable with it and you've never tried it, there's nothing wrong with saying, like, I want to go slow. So I wanted to feel the sensation, start with a finger, you might want to start with a little butt plug, you bought some good butt plugs, right? Yeah. What'd you bring? What do you like?

A couple different ones, like, I think that we should all start off with something very small, and that could be even our mouth or a tongue or tongue, or something that slips very easily inside of there. But not everybody's comfortable with that. But it's really gentle, really soft, really lubricated in itself. If you're not comfortable with that, you want to go with the smallest part of your pinky or even your index finger. Pinky fingers the first one to put in. Just really gentle. And then you can also work with your partner. Like when they inhale and when they're exhaling, that's when you insert

it just gently with lots of lube. Because as they exhale, that's relaxing this fincter, that's opening things up just slightly. So like synchronizing your breath or at least paying attention to your partner's breath. Even if it's audible, make it audible like, like a glass in and out. You know, some people want to like have marathons or anal sex, like they see in porn, that first time out. Let's talk about that. You gotta just like... Right, it's not like porn. Just take it slow. If you even get to the outside or just barely a little finger inside and that's the first experience,

that could be a wonderful first step. Right, what's the rush? Ain't you saying that going anywhere? Yeah. Right, take it slow. It's going to stop. You gotta stop. No, no, no, no, no, it's everything.

The anal is everything. So you gotta communicate with your partner. Make sure you communicate. Like, speak up if you're in pain like her and I was girlfriend who did not. And again, we get it. Like it's not easy. But if you're obviously if you're in pain or you want something feels good, like let your partner know, like not mind readers, they're not ass readers, you got to let them know. So how about positions? People always think like, you know, it's doggy style only. But that's how it is the most comfortable one.

You know, that looks good on camera and that might look good for the visual. Let's say if the person's into asses or into backs or whatnot. But sometimes, you know, the person who's being inserted should have more of the control with insertion and they should have a little bit more power when it comes to that process. Right. So how grow positions good? Yeah, be on top. The bottom, if they're being inserted and they're on top, they can either sit down sort of gently, they can pull out if they need to, they can sort of stop. I mean, there's just a lot more, you know, red yellow green kind of ability when it comes

to the... Right. Red yellow green, like stop, yellow stop, go traffic light. They should be driving. Exactly. Spooning. Spooning. Spooning is wonderful because for a lot of people, they traffic light for. They should be driving. Exactly. Spooning. Spooning. Spooning is wonderful because for a lot of people,

they can push back if they are the bottom or the receptive person, but also too, when we're not, our muscles get tense, especially if we're in like doggie or if we're in like a cowgirl position. Right, you think cowgirl's hard, even regular, even just vagal sex. It's very hard.

I'm like exhausted. I know it's like a hot, I don't love a cowgirl. I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna stay here. Don't love powder and for anal it seems hard to. Yeah, but I know that that people like it they can do it. That's fine. Wow. So I learned a lot about you today. I don't like powder. I don't have 69 either. Don't like this yet? No. Oh, because I'm ADD. I either I want to give or receive. But I actually have had some that you know what? I'm gonna take that back because for so long I've said that I'm getting to like,

I've had a few good instances with 69 where I was like, yeah, it's not my favorite, but now that we're just talking, not letting them be honest and open. You know, if it's a five-course meal, maybe we can make it one of the courses. Yeah, exactly, because variety, like you gotta have something that you just try, you know, that you, every once in a while,

like haven't done this in a while, and then when I do it, like it's not like I wanna do it every day. But Kyle girl too, same thing. I'm like, ah, it's exactly, like I gotta have something that you just try, you know, that you, every once in a while, like, haven't done this in a while. And then when I do it, it's not going to do it every day. But Kyle girl, too, same thing. I'm like, ah, it's exactly like I'll do anything. I'll do it. But anyway, with anal, yes, but you do more control because you're lowering down going out. And you know, we don't always talk about this too, but, but guys also experience

that as well too. I mean, when you're on top missionary, it might feel a lot of women do like that and they, you know, they're in this submissive sort of experience. And it's comfortable because you're relaxed and it's like we're supporting our entire weight with our arms. I know, is it so hard? It's kicking. And you're thrusting. So you've got like everything's like shaking.

I mean, sometimes guys will sweat on you. Sometimes guys like arms start to like spasm. That's true. What's your favorite position for a girl on women on top? It depends. Depends, right? There's not like a favorite. I mean, I like it all.

I don't give you wrong. Mix it all up. But I do love doggy because of that beautiful, you know, backside of a corner. He's doing the ass again. But I love it. But I do love missionary too, or at least even a woman on top because I like the face to face. I like to look at some of my I like one of the top two. I can rock woman on top. I got that no problem. I was at a next girlfriend who said that, you know, one of her biggest like, you cut off when it came to sex was like, partners that didn't want to look them in the eye. Like, how did you change that?

Oh, I, yes, this is huge. I agree. There's a lot of, yeah, they won't look in the eye. And then when they do, it's like, they get all freaked out. But yeah, it's not like I want to have a staring contest the whole time, but I want to make like an intimate, to me that's intimacy.

But some people just want to go into like, the trance mode during sex where they're checked out. But it doesn't mean that they're not connected, but I just want to second like eye contact. Yeah. Well, I think that's the difference between I think like the roboticness of sex or sort of like the behavioral sort of animalistic side of sex and also the intimate side, you know. It's intimacy.

Look in someone's eyes. It's a real shit. It's a real deal. Especially when we're butt naked and looking in someone's eyes. Do you be deal breaker? Like for a woman like if something happens that you're like, I'm out, if she won't blank. Stick a finger in her ass besides that. Oh, I don't want to say that a deal breaker.

But something that like you're just, oh, that doesn't make me feel good or connected. It's sexual relational. I guess anything. I mean, if she hits me, I'm out. Okay, you don't want a physical abuse. Got it. How about sexually?

Sexually. I know we're PC, but go. Okay, we are PC, but. But. So this is a little something that goes out to my, a porn friend, her name is August Ames, we were talking about this, and we were talking about Starfish.

You know what a Starfish is? Yes. So it's somebody you sleep with, and they're just like laying on the bed, and they're just like spread out. Yes, yes, yes, there's no movement. There's no verbal, there's no breathing. There's just like, you're almost like you want to tap them into it.

Where are you live? Are you here? Are you live? So I once dated this woman who's so beautiful and so sweet and so wonderful. And then when we were sexual, it was like a mannequin. And I felt, and I was losing like my... She just like live there? Do you think she had some trauma or something? I don't know. And I, yeah I just I was losing like my she just like live there Do you think she had like some trauma or something or I don't know and I yeah, so I that was she just did you say anything like are you enjoying this So you I tried bringing it up

This was kind of later on in my life where I felt like a better communicator and a little more mature And she didn't take it very well like it was kind of offensive. She was how would you do? Yeah, I was like 35 She was like 21 right she She was maybe different as much experience Yeah, and I was very happy to work with it, but uh, uh, you know the more we connected the more we could sort of right No, it's true. We all want to know that we're like doing okay and check it Well, especially mentally and you want to check with your partner make sure everything's a good time to kind of hate Say and that because it makes me sound like I'm so superficial, but it was just Connected because you don't know if she's even enjoying it,

participating, she wasn't making any noise. She probably wasn't clearly. So, okay, good to know. Let's talk a little about sex toys. We talked about butt plugs. You brought, we have vibrating anal toys. There's the black pro by Vibratex, made of high quality silicone.

There's anal beads. What do you think about anal beads? You know, they've come a long way. Oh, but let's do, yeah. The anal about anal beads? You know, they've come a long way. Oh, but it's too, yeah. The anal beads have come a long way. They've come a long way. 2016, tell me how so. They're hernando.

You know, back in the old days. Back in the old days, they're like a little circular balls with like yarn or string that play too much. Exactly. Grandma, there's reporting them together and like, sweat shops and China. Okay, but now.

Oh, but now they're like made of like high grade silicone and there's just a lot more of variety and they're sturdier. You know, before they were like dangling beads. Yeah, right. They really were like a necklace to break off in your butt. Grandma's pro necklace. Yeah.

Don't do that. Don't use anything that's not meant for your anus in your anus. We should talk about that. Definitely. Um, so, you know, what about butt plugs? What's your favorite butt plug these days? Oh, favorite butt plug. You can talk about whatever.

You know, which one I like these days is the B vibe. It's the only butt plug that has a rotating beads around the anus. Oh, okay, it's a lot of my bro. Yeah But I've heard about this I've been tried yet. So if you tried the rabbit The rabbit classic rabbit like of course, okay, so you know how that thing is I was born with the rabbit in my mouth I was born with a silver rabbit in my own a bunny farm at home But you know what, the rotating center question. Yes. Imagine that now is on the spiket.

Oh, that's interesting. It's in so it's a longer, it has, I've never seen a bug with like bells and whistles said such. Oh, wow. Oh, have you used this? Do you use this one? Not this one. No, and remember I told you I always have two.

Oh, oh, interesting. So see how that's rotating. Oh, so this for your sphincter so that's where most of our nerve endings are anyways, so it actually Wow, but it's it so that's high. That's on kind of high But I mean that's a party in your butt and then so there's three motors one and the tip one of them Wow, this is new right? Yeah, it just came out maybe six months ago That's really cool nice nice showing there. Yeah, looks a little gnome. I like it That's cool. Now that's a bigger butt plug like what about just to be getting one they have they have a small medium large

This is large yeah, but yeah, you know, I think there's a lot of anal trainer kits out there We'll throw our anal trainer kit kits. I think we have some on our website. Go to the website, sexwithanley.com, click on the shopping thing, shopping banner. Okay. Not all toys can be anal toys. Let's just say you need a flared tip. So don't put it in your butt. That's not flared because then you end up in the hospital.

Yes. You have to pull it out. You don't want to be that person. It's a good story though, but like 20 years from now, you don't want to be that person. Okay. So we're going to take a quick break and when we come back, we're going to be answering your emails. We've got some more anal talk.

We've got just regular sex talk. It's a good time. Take your hand. We'll be right back. By now, y'all know me pretty well. You know I love new experiences, but I have my favorite things that I always come back to because I know I can trust them. I can't think of a better example than the magic wand.

If you've been listening, you might remember that I actually had a hole drilled in my nightstand so my magic wand was always plugged in and ready right when I needed it. That's pretty big commitment. And I thought it was pretty ingenious. But anyway, before you go destroying your furniture, consider this. The trusted magic wand is now available in a rechargeable version, delivering all that power of the original plus the mobility of a completely cordless design. The magic wand rechargeable also features four intensity levels and four great vibration

patterns. For when 30 years, a trusted magic wand from Vibratex has been just about everyone's go-to massager from its perfect size to the high quality construction materials. It's no wonder why the magic wand is considered the Cadillac of all Vibers. If you don't own one yet, don't live without the magic wand another day. And if you do own one, you need to try the rechargeable. Go to sexwithatelene.com and click on the magic wand banner to order yours. Okay everyone, thank you for listening and supporting our sponsors. Thank you, her name ever being NRS Bulgers.

Sometimes they make weird noises. Dr. Chavez, wonderful to have you here. And thank you everybody for emailing me. Feedback at sexwithlme.com with your questions, including your name, how you listen, your age, where you live, social security number, credit card, just kidding. That's just three more. Also, you can also leave us a voicemail, which we love. We've got a whole voicemail

thing going on. 818-ask-swe1 or 818-275-7931. Leave us a voicemail message or you can ask your questions straight from the website. There's a little pull down menu. Just ask Emily. Do that. We love it. We're doing some more vo- smells shows. It's fun to like hear. I'm like, oh, it's so fun. It's done a few of them, so it's great. OK, so Hernando, how do you feel about answering some questions from the people here? Let's do it.

Can I? I love it. OK. Hi, Emily. It's been a while since I found your podcasts. And I am secretly surprised of how easy it is for you and your guests to talk so openly and bubbly about stuff that are still considered taboo in some parts of the world. I'm a 28 year old female and I probably could call myself a late bloomer because I'm in

my first relationship and we've been together for only one year. My boyfriend, just like many others, is fascinated with anal and have already tried it once before we were together. He is really keen to do with me. I do want to make him happy and secretly I am curious about it, but I'm really scared to try it for the first time. I think what scares me the most is the fact that it will hurt. It will be dirty afterwards.

And in case he likes it and in case he likes it, he won't enjoy a regular sex as much anymore. I think all I need is some pointers for courage, sincerely Veronica from Latvia. Amazing. Wow, that's for you. Wow, I don't know if we've got any mouse from Latvia. Hello. Wow, that's for Wow, I don't know we've got any mouse from Latvia. Hello, we're so honored to hear from you. She listens on her phone app. Okay, really good question. So what would you say? She put a shoes in your

office here, Veronica. She wants, I get it though. She wants to do it's her first boyfriend. She's nervous. Like a lot of things we just talked about. It's okay that you're nervous a lot of people are nervous the first time. So get some Lou, talk to your partner and let them know that you're nervous, but you want to try it. Start slow. Like we said, you can start with a finger. Don't have to rush right into anal. What else, Fernando? You know what? I don't know. What do you hear in this? As a therapist? I agree with you completely, and then I'm going to add a little bit more of the clinical piece right there. because what she's really talking about is anxiety. And when we have anxiety, we need to face our anxiety.

Be clear. To many people, they distance themselves from what they're fearful of or what worries them or what they're nervous about. And so anxiety reduction really does mean facing it. And so what you're describing is one of the ways we can, a number of the ways we can face it experientially. And I'm also wondering can people also face these anxieties on their own as well too,

whether it's listed into your podcast, whether it's reading a few books like Ultimate Guide to Ano Sex by Tristan Termino or watching a couple sex ed videos that you can download online like Avicadels, Ano Pleasure for Women or Jessica Drake's Guide to Wicked Sex for Ano Play. You know, there's so many ways that we can learn

and then we feel like a sense of mastery over that anxiety. Like, it doesn't have, it's the hold on me because I now have like challenged it and I've overcome it. So I get educated in addition to starting slow and what you just said. No, that's great. You're right. Get some more information on it.

And visuals, that's great. Those are great visuals, Avicadale. And who else did you say? Jessica Drake. Jessica Drake. Yep. She's great. So that's, that's great. Do you want to watch it? Like, it's not porn, and who else did you say? Jessica Drake. Jessica Drake, yep, she's great. So that's great.

Do you want to watch it? Like, it's not porn, which is not how you should watch it. But these are actually educational videos. That's a great idea. What's nice, too, is that sometimes you have questions where it's like, my boyfriend wants to try this. And there's this sort of aura of pressure. Like, it's coming from someone else.

Like, how do I get my girl to do this? And we've got to get move away from that. I know. It's got to be something that we we've got to get, move away from that. I know. It's got to be something that we could be willing to talk about and explore, but it shouldn't feel like it's a pressure or like an expectation that's becoming like a stressor in our relationship.

Exactly. Right. We don't want to become a stressor. And so I feel like you guys have to be in this together. That's our self-ironic attitude. Right. It's not like, I mean, I love that you're emailing and talking to us about it, but I think that you got to be

honest with him. Like, he knows you haven't done it. He's not expecting to be the anal queen, so you can just tell him what you heard. You guys can listen to this together. Hi, Veronica's boyfriend. You want to just make sure that you guys you both take it slow, that you communicate, that you breathe,

and that you do all the things that we said earlier. And she's where it's going to be dirty afterwards, so what? It might be dirty. Sexes can be dirty. That's part of it. And it's okay. If she decides to, let's say, read those books or watch those videos, they will talk about the idea of using an animal or a water bulb to help cleanse ourselves beforehand, which we only should use water. We should be using any of the salons. Yeah, don't you write. If you get an adabun in the store or something, take out the saline and just use water. That's a very good point. I'm glad you said that.

You could cleanse yourself out. And also you can take away that whole fear of poop being a part of this experience. And you can really reduce it to where it's almost non-existent. Right. That's true. So yeah, do some of that at a time.

And just be really honest with your partner and keep talking Veronica. Thank you for emailing me. OK, another email. Emily. I have always had a pegging fantasy. I finally brought it up a couple months ago to my girl and she eventually started sticking her finger at my back door whenever we made love. Now, whenever I'm turned on and there is nothing back there, I can't seem to perform.

I heard it's possible to have your desire move from your penis to your anus. Is this true? Is there any way to move my desire back? Please help. Thanks, Joey, age 24, Iowa. So I'm glad you brought up, so pegging for people who don't know is, would you describe pegging in your clinical sense? We didn't get to that in our anal, so we're just going to do the new cover.

It's a perfect question because we didn't get to pangel because I wanted to bring up, I knew this. Paging, one of the fastest growing heterosexual behaviors that people are experiencing with couples and groups. I find that there's a lot of fear, a lot of hang ups. But to me, this is, I think, the evolution of what I perceive is like, qualitative, egalitative, feminist sexuality, which is we're all sort of on equal playing

fields. And we're both experiencing giving and receiving pleasure in similar ways, you know, everybody receiving and giving oral everybody receiving and giving sort of Kisses or intimacy or for play and so this is the natural progression of I think how sex, you know in an evolved state is and so it's really nice to hear You know him being open to it her her being excited about it as well. And there's a lot of great information on pegging these days. There's a great podcast by Ruby Ryder called Pegging Paradise that they can also download. I have cast about it. There's 200 episodes about pegging. Wow, that's a lot.

Great starter kits as well. Sport Sheets is one of my favorites with their pegs. Oh yeah, they have a great one. Yeah, exactly. So the woman wears like a dildo strap on and she pegs him. Penetrates, her partner. Right. Okay.

So let's go back to the quote. I just wanted to cover that. So Joey, his thinks though, he's afraid that she told his girlfriend about the Pagny Fantasy. She used a finger and now he thinks when there's not a finger there, he can't perform. He can't get turned on and he And he thinks he moved his desire, moved from his penis to his anus. What would you say about that?

Well, I think that our desires and our fantasies and what feels good to us, there's a lot of ed when flow. I find that there are people will shift kind of like we talked earlier about sometimes 69 and then other times not. Right. And so I think he should embrace it. I think that it's part. He's getting too tripped up on it, maybe.

Yeah, he's getting caught up. Like is this gonna be my only way? But I think that sometimes embrace it. I think that it's getting too tripped up on it. Maybe yeah, he's getting caught up Like is this gonna be me my only way, but I think that sometimes we narrow our arousal when we're excited about something And then we sort of expand our arousal is when we've you know want to add other things into our sexual repertoire So I would go with it. I would embrace it and guess what he may actually experience more mind-blowing orgasms or more Height and sensitivity or pleasure if he actually sort of succumbed to this idea of playing with his prostate or playing with his ass and allowing it. He could do some master-beating on his own playing with this prostate. How would you guide the straight man to playing with it if he's never put a finger in there and never tried anything? Never tried anything? You know the vibrating bullets that we have.

I was encouraged people to start with those and don't put it inside, obviously, doesn't have a forward side. But play with the outside of your anus, and put the vibration. Just a little bit of lube, and see what that feels like. Because sometimes for men, it's hard to put your own finger in that region when you're masturbating with the other hand.

It's kind of like when you're tapping the top of your head and rubbing your stomach and so forth. I still can't do that. It's a, so it's nice to just experience sensation down there while you're also pleasuring your penis, like most men typically do. And so I find that once we sort of feel that and acknowledge that that feels good

and that can feel wonderful, then we start looking at things like toys and maybe something we can insert or something that can take it to the next level because there's a lot of levels we can take this to. So Joey could just get a bullet or something, something, play with it on his own. I think you could do that, but he also has to stop worrying that there's something wrong with him. There's nothing wrong with you.

The first thing is to stop worrying that there's something wrong with you and to get out of your head. Just, we know exactly. It's five. Ride the wave. Ride the wave. Ride the pleasure wave. No surfer is worried about crashing or, you know wipe out. He's he's riding the way. Right in the way, man. It's enjoying the ride. It's so California.

It's like a stone. I wish. So Joey. Okay, thanks Joey. I think that's good advice. Okay, we'll do another email here. Hi Emily. 15 years ago, I was in what was building into the perfect love story.

I had a guy that listened to everything I said and would even give me sound advice. I was completely comfortable with him. However, I come from a family background that found deeply unmixed couples and made the worst mistake ever. I put what my family approved of over what my heart wanted. Fast forward two years, I met the man that is now my husband. I love him and have had for the past 12 years, but it's not the same love I felt for the other man. For 14 years I've kept the feelings bottled, but it's now it's out. My husband knows that I love the other man, and I hate that he now feels like he is the second choice. Both my

husband and the other man are open to a polyamist relationship, but I feel it's getting difficult fast. First, not everyone is in the same state. We are across country from each other, so there's the long, distanced relationship factor. There's the fact that my husband is jealous and his insecurity with his ED doesn't help him either. Plus, I know when he finds another woman to have a relationship with, I'm going to get jealous because he will get to see her when he feels like it and I won't be able to do the same. I love them both, I want this to work for everyone and rise above the jealousy and insecurities. Any advice is greatly appreciated Rachel. Wow, there's a lot going on in there. Okay, so Rachel, she had a guy that she loved 15 years ago broke up with them because there was a

mixed couple parents weren't down with that. Has a husband now for 12 years still loves the other guy. Her husband's cool with an open relationship. Her husband also has ED. And she's future tripping that when he's her husband does find someone that she's gonna be jealous, which she might be, which people have to do with, but then also that he could find someone local because the guy she loves is long distance.

So there's a lot going on here and her head here. So I do think that you all need to rise above the jealous, she's the one who rises above the jealousy and security. So yeah, you count a lot of on here in our head here. So I do think that you all need to rise above the judges. I wanna rise above the jealousy and security. So yeah, you come to a lot of polyamorous couples. Where would you start with this one, Hernando? Yeah, for, oh, there's a lot there to go with. First off, if the desires to wanna open things up and the relationship, I think you have to get

educated and knowledgeable about what non-monogamy is. And then we start getting into the feelings and emotions that come up like jealousy or compulsion or new relationship energy or the fears and insecurities or the emotions that are involved. To start off, I think that each person, if they're ever going to go into a nonmonogamous relationship and you're beginning that process, read the ethical slut first, read opening up second and start with those because both those books. Those are great books opening up by Tristan Tirmino and the ethical slot first, read opening up second, and start with those because both those books are open.

Those are great books opening up by Tristan Termino and the ethical slot. Right. Definitely. Definitely. Because that's going to give you some of the basics. The foundations and the tools to begin to build your, you know, your polyamorous home or your non-monogamous home. People think you just jump into it.

You got to build a foundation. And you know, I think the myth is that in non-monogamy, they're, oh, they're not jealous. No, actually, they have emotions, they have fears, they have everybody does. They just have learned, many of them have learned to both face them, to process them, to communicate them with their partners, to work through them. You know, the myth is that people are just like all honky-doors. Right, they're like, so happy I get to be this person, see, this person, and I don't mind at all. Yeah.

It takes a lot of communication. I mean, if you think two people in a relationship is tough to communicate. Imagine that when there's three, four, five people, so you have to put a lot of time and effort into communicating with each partner. What I'm hearing also too is, there's also the component in this, in Rachel's question,

about a sexual concern. I heard ED as well. And that's something that brings up a lot of insecurity and inferiority complexes within men. And so my guess would be that that would also be a stressor and an anxiety for that gentleman too. So there's going to be multiple things. She's going to be worried about her primary partner.

She's going to be worried about opening up. There's also going to be the concern from his end. In that type of triad, there's going to be a need for a lot of expression and communication and you don't want to you want to create some boundaries and security and measures for security so that you don't sort of continue moving forward when the other person is feeling left out or unhappy or insecure. Because these are primary, he's your husband, he's still going to be your husband, you're going to have a fair of this guy who knows the other second,

the second area relationship with this guy, but I think you guys have some grise. I think it's like there's still a lot to work out before they jump into the, the open part. Yeah. The actual sex part. I think so. It seems like intellectual. You guys have had it, but you know, I had the discussion and you're both on the same page. It sounds like, but maybe some therapy reading these books could help you. If you want to go to therapy there, great. Those, but maybe some therapy reading these books could help you. If you want to go therapy there, great.

Those are the two standout books. Yeah, and therapy would be really helpful too, because obviously the books aren't going to always address what's happening in your relationship in the moment, because there are some specifics in there that are, you know, they're going to need some processing. And also too, this idea of having a third party come in when you may feel like your relationship

has some difficulties. Like, for example, the sexual component, is she going to now be sexual with this third party individual? And what's the experience of the primary husband if he's not necessarily able to experience that same type of sexual interactions? I mean, there's a lot that's going to come up. They're going to have to be able to talk about this in a way that's that's productive and really healthy communication. Okay, good answer. Let's do one more.

Fernando, thank you for helping. Thank you Rachel. Keep us posted. Good luck Rachel. Okay, hi Emily. I'm a 36 year old male. I live in Niperville, Illinois and I listen on Spotify. Your show helped me get through the work day. So thank you. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 10. The first three years of our relationship we had a lot of amazing sex after which we had our son. And the sex life went almost non-existent. Over the last three years, we have been working on trying new things and our sex life is improving.

There is one thing that she really wants me to do, but I have a hard time doing it. She really wants me to be noisy and talk dirty during sex, but it feels very forced and unnatural to me. Do you have any suggestions or ways to give her the talk and noises she craves without a feeling forced or natural? Thanks for all you do, David 36 Illinois. We hear this a lot, but men, you know, I always talk about like guys who don't make any noise all like Arda, is there a pulse or they live like

You all want to hear a little feedback, but he's you know She wants to say just go from making no noise being really noisy and talking dirty Like that's a lot again. That's my partner wants me to kind of questions, but we get a lot of these So and it would be a natural you David your 36 you probably would have sex for a while never done this before and so Yeah, start making noise. I mean, I think a lot of guys just don't as naturally make noise. There's a more that you're repressing it than noise.

Not you, but one as a man. I think it could be a little bit of both. Yeah. You know, a lot of times we don't realize, you know, you think of like when you're working out, or you think of you playing sports, there's a lot more like, correction and grunting.

Yeah, but sex, you're like, you guys like shut down. And then sex, you're not. So why is there such a whole third? Because I feel like I make the same noises during like, working out as I do sex sometimes. I'm like, well, it's only gonna work, you know what I mean, but guys don't.

I think there's a lot of people, and that's just guys, I think that being witnessed, especially in something so vulnerable, intimate, like being sexual with somebody, there is, it does sort of put us on heightened alert about not sort of letting loose. You know, we are kind of self monitoring to some degree, a lot of people. You know, for the whole idea of talking dirty, although I'm not always for partners saying

I need you to do this or I want you to do this for me, I do think it's important for us to like accept their input and try and like let's just see if this is something I can integrate. I'm glad you let them know. Yeah, it's great communication. So how would you start? You know, when I have clients or- I love having you integrate. I'm glad she let him know. Yeah, it's great communication. So how would you start? You know, when I have clients or- I love having you here, I'm just guessing you.

I always tell people call the process. You know, you can talk dirty just by calling the play-by-play. Maybe this is the sports side of me, but what's going on in the moment? You know, you might if I call the process and be dirty right now. No, do it. Okay, let's pretend like you and I are having sex.

Okay. And what if I started the process and be dirty right now. No, do it. Let's pretend like you and I are having sex. And what if I started saying, you know, I could feel my penis, not wouldn't say penis, I get much more raw cheer. I could feel me inside of you and it feels so good and I love the breath that I love when you're breathing on my neck. Right. Oh my God, you look so sexy and you're so gorgeous and look at the curve of your ass and oh my God, you're describing what's happening in the moment. Oh putting your mouth on me and sucking so

hard. No, these are your fantasies right? No exactly. Is that too detailed? No, I love it. But DC, I'm just sort of called what could have been happening whether it was intercourse, oral, you know connection or intimacy and so you can sort of start to sexualize that. I also encourage people to practice on their own. I think that we need to envision like the sexual experiences we've had. And how can we also eroticize them verbally so that we can sort of get comfortable with that. And whether it's in the shower, whether it's on, you know, in stuck in traffic. I mean, can we also create a little bit more of that comfort with being able to talk dirty? Right. And then let's start with things like dirty texts

or writing them a writing. True. Let's practice with this idea, getting comfortable, opening up, and sort of sharing a lot of our deeper, innermost sexual desires. That's why sexting is great, because when you're sexting something,

you can kind of say things that you wanna try, or that you've been thinking about, that's harder to say face to face, and it could practice it. And I get that he's saying it feels forced or natural. They're like, well, she's asking me for it. And I've never done it. And it will, David, because you've never done it before.

But I think those are great. So just like what you're feeling in the moment, like, baby, like, this is so hot. Like, I can't wait. I've been thinking about, like, I think you all day. And I want you to, you know, you know, what I don't know what you guys could also like, you could just practice, you know, does she, I wonder if she talks to him and he hasn't respond.

Like I want, I mean, she could also be, you know, a part of she talks to him and he hasn't respond Like I wouldn't mean she could also be you know a part of this as well She should be like calling response, and you know you can't You can't also ask your partner to like what what would be to talk into her to you and just get a little bit of info and input on to what How to achieve a fantasy around it like have you ever talked about her fantasies? Like maybe there's a fantasy that she wanted to try out like maybe she wants to be like You know French made or the schoolgirl, I don't know. But talk to her about it. Then you can play that role.

And then I'd be a little easier in a way, because you know what she's thinking about. So I think, yeah, it's a practice. What could you watch? She could watch some good porn. What would you recommend? That's another great example. There's a lot of porn out there that can emulate that as well, too.

Yeah, it's like a dirty top porn. I think there's everything, right? But just know that it's going to feel a natural and forest. And I think starting with sexting, finding out a little bit more about what she's into. And then also just know that you might laugh. You might feel uncomfortable. But like most everything we try, the first time we feel uncomfortable. Because this is a new frontier for you, especially when it comes to sex.

And it isn't bear it is. But then you get then you get you pass it becomes like second nature like dirty birds Just start flying around. Yeah, I can just talk to her. You like you know, whatever. I'm not gonna do it right now But I would no I would I would but No, I like it but it's harder cuz I don't like doing a lot of the um, I don't know on the show Like I try to keep it more as pg's I can't even feel like your show is freaking PG, but you know, like, you know, what's the point? The show's not PG. No, it's so not PG. We're talking about Leib's borders and stuff,

but yeah, David, you got this. Yeah, but I'm glad you wrote and think TalkTurget's more of Macyn Practice, sexting, all that stuff. Good advice, Fernando. Thank you, Dr. Chavez. This was amazing having you here. This was so fun.

We've wanted you to have the show once before. It was like a while ago. Yeah. So you got to come by. And I love that I enjoyed it. Did is so fun. We've wanted you to show once before, but it was like a while ago. Yeah. So you got to come by. And I love that. I enjoyed it. Do you have fun time? Always. Okay, good. We can find you Dr. Hernando Chavez. dot com. Where else? Tell me tell me tell me on Twitter. Twitter and Instagram is Hernando underscore Chavez. Right. And so the next. Love it. Okay. Thank you for being here.

Thank you, Madison and Eddie and Lori and Jamie, my awesome team. You're a great team. I love them. Okay. Thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedbackexec.com. I get a lot of emails looking for advice on just about everything, but I'm always excited

to get questions that I can offer definitive solution to. Although some of you are embarrassed to write me about lasting longer in bed, you should know it's way more common than you think, and there is a clinically proven solution, promess it. Promess it is a quickly absorbing delay spray that was developed by your neurologist to address issues premature ejaculation or PE. Magnum mistake, this is not the old fashioned delay spray that leaves you in your partner numb. It still allows your maximum sensation without any transfer to your partner. The makers of promess it have been dedicated to helping men for years now, and they've

taken the product through rounds of clinical tests that have proven its effectiveness. It is FDA compliant and has been endorsed by a host of medical professionals. Permanent is the real deal. Even if you don't always experience PE, Permanent can help you and your partner experience longer lasting sex, boost your confidence, and eliminate performance anxiety. Try it for yourself and see, ProMesson is available without a prescription from a variety of retailers. For more information or to order, go to sexwithemily.com and click on the Promise and Banner.