Sex With Emily - Emily in Swingland

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, everyone. How you doing? Thanks so much for listening to the sex with Emily Show. You know I love being able to help. You have the sex life and relationships that you deserve and that you want. And I want to give you the best show possible. So I appreciate you supporting our sponsors who help keep this show free. So I have to tell you about my No No Pro.

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Starting point is 00:01:01 skincare line and I'm obsessed with it. It's funny because we joke in my office. I am using it all the time. I love it. Go to NoNoEmily.com. That's NoNoEmily.com. Eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bedroom eyes, they call them a lie going to hate. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh, my.

Starting point is 00:01:36 The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I want to hear a sound. Oh,, going, being bad feels pretty good.

Starting point is 00:01:47 But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play good. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can hear the podcasts. It's really easy just to actually go to iTunes, subscribe, we have two podcasts a week and you'll never have to miss another one again. But our website, we update every day, several times with articles and for missing interesting blogs,

Starting point is 00:02:14 things like that. That will help you have better sucks, which is what I'm all about. So I appreciate everyone being here and I'm here with Anderson this evening. And we're gonna get into Anderson. First, let me tell you what this shows about. Daniel Stern, he is the author of Swingland, between the sheets of the secretive, sometimes messy, but always adventurous, swinging lifestyle. And this guy

Starting point is 00:02:36 wrote this book. It's amazing. If you've ever been curious, I know a lot of you are about swinging. We're going to get in some details, but also some tips about sex and all that stuff, but how he's navigated this world, actually as a single man, which is very rare in the swinging world, usually it's couples and single women. And this book is just chock full of information and advice when you get into it

Starting point is 00:02:55 and I know you are gonna love this show. But first, I need to talk to Anderson. Hi, kid. Anderson had a very big weekend and I was so proud of you. I was so happy you showed up That was very sweet. I know you're like Emily's not here. So Anderson's I can't hear blowjob thing. Oh, I don't care. That was last night. I want to say go. I had to be Hanging out with Drew, which is the last thing I wanted to do. Oh here. Yeah, I was hanging out with Drew

Starting point is 00:03:18 So I'm hanging out with you hearing about blowjob. I know well you hear me talk about blowjob's enough I'm sure but Anderson has a really successful podcast, great podcast called After Desister. It's called a film vote, but that wasn't the one you saw. But here's so funny is that we always talk about the film but you never want me to talk what After Desister. Like, no, it's just that the After Desister is not a real podcast, even though we kind of proved that wrong with selling out the input.

Starting point is 00:03:38 I freaking laughed. So After Desister and he was sold out the improv. It was Saturday night and all of us from Loveline One and Drew was there. And I came in like I was late, but it hadn't started yet. Thank God. And it was I laughed my ass off. I thought you guys were so entertaining and I was just really happy for you because there were so many people like lined up buying t-shirts. They were huge fans and it was just a lot of hands and I feel like a politician. I know. But like a costing politician. You're like they were huge fans, and it was just. I shook a lot of hands on it. I felt like a politician. I know, but it's-

Starting point is 00:04:05 I felt like a Cossing politician. You were like, hey man, I'm a fucker. I was laughing, man, I saw it. It was so funny because at one point during the show you didn't know it was there, and then you're like, who's here? Is Emily, sex with Emily here? And then you're like, no, she would never be here. She didn't come.

Starting point is 00:04:16 And I'm like, I'm here. And then Mike, Krono goes, oh no, no, Emily's here. I'm worried. She thought we had a good show, and now she's thinking of a bad show. I'm like, I'm laughing at my house, I'll let you stick. Yeah, well, we's here. I'm worried. She thought we had a good show, and now she's thinking of a bad show. I'm like, I'm laughing at House, I'll let you stick. Yeah, we're always making fun of our show. The after-the-stress is just like me with two guys that I consider friends that I love hanging out talking about God knows what.

Starting point is 00:04:32 So we're like, just three times a week. But you guys are great. I push the film ball because that's a real show. I actually have sponsorship and whatnot. We have like quadruple the listenership of the after-the-stress. And it's also a service where I talk about movies and I give people heads up of the movies. Right. So listen to both of his podcasts. And you're awesome. I was just a proud of you. You know and I give people heads up of the movies. Right. So listen to both of his podcasts.

Starting point is 00:04:46 And you're awesome. I was just a part of you know, it gets me to your wife who's lovely and the whole thing. Yes. So I did last night, I also had a big night and it's okay that you weren't there. You sold out too? I sold out. I'm telling you, it was at the Hustler Hollywood store which is on Sunset Boulevard. It's a sell-out.

Starting point is 00:05:02 What? Most of the sell-outs. It's Sex sells. And it was really exciting because they don't do a lot of workshops there. And the store is like, if you've never been to the store, and I've been to a lot of sex stories, it's kind of, it's amazing. First of all, they have parking, three levels of parking. I'm going to start there.

Starting point is 00:05:17 But they're open till 2 a.m. and they have every single like sex toys, sex products, sex thing that you've ever imagined in your life fantasy, they have a cafe whole thing of lingerie, shoes, toys, and it's amazing. So I gave a workshop called How to Blow His Mind. But a lot of men and women showed up, which was great because I can blow her mind too. I could talk about either that. And it was just, it was so, I mean, I get nervous. So okay, I'm talking to high Daniel because Anna's, anyway, so we're gonna get dynamite. But I get nervous sometimes. I'm like, dude, dude, dude. He's like, what if no one shows up? I mean, I don't know. We have like a bunch of RSVPs, but you should be nervous for other reasons too,

Starting point is 00:05:52 because I'm high. My little show I wasn't worried about someone showing up and trying to rate me in the parking lot. What do you mean? I'd be nervous about that. I mean, you got a lot of guys that really want to show up. I know, but it wasn't creepy and you know, but not even then we're going to show up. But also I have to tell you, it was my, in the eight years I've been doing the show, 2000 podcasts. I feel like I teach a sort of teach a workshop every night because I'm like giving advice,

Starting point is 00:06:13 but I've never done like a live workshop in front of people. And there was like 70 people there. And I was not a nervous. I was like prepping for it and stuff, but it went really well. And it was so heartwarming because there were a lot of my fans there that I never get to meet because I do a podcast and I'd never done a public maybe San Francisco fears ago. I did I used to live there and I did a bunch like a few events. But I had fans driving

Starting point is 00:06:36 like three, four hours to see me like just to come and they drove it at all or I don't think we've idioted. I I know, that was a mistake, probably. We were gonna use carrots. No, okay, so I had to teach that was my scariest part. It wasn't all about blow jobs. We called it that, but it was part of it. I know, I keep saying that. It was blow jobs, oral sex, masturbation,

Starting point is 00:06:56 how to improve your sex life, get kinky, spice it up. I kind of covered a lot, but when it came to the blow job part, I was like, I don't wanna stick this dildo on my mouth. I don't want to say, care, I'm not like, just, this is not me. So I'm like, how am I going to teach the blowjob thing and like, all day long, I'm like, I can't do it. So finally, I'm teaching it. I had Lauren come up and hold the, the, the, the, the dildo. And I was like, this is the funulum. And, you know, I think I pulled it off. I think I did, but I didn't, but I was doing hands off because you can't like, because I'm like, you got to use your hands for pressure. Did you get laughs or people like, I got so many laughs no no one left people stay like that one person walked out

Starting point is 00:07:30 You're laughing lots of laughs lots of questions people were really open And so I think I'm gonna do it like every other month and My for all my listeners if you live elsewhere and you want me to come speak I think this can be my thing and I will come speak where you live You don't Raise people what because you're so worried about putting that dildo in your mouth and it sounds again that I'm doing it I didn't put the dildo in my mouth I have I in my hand you should have had a listener come up a male listener come up and do it for you

Starting point is 00:07:57 and he could probably give you tips too because he's gonna know it's dick I know everyone says a guy what are women teaching up low jobs but we know know, we know where we're at about jobs. Yeah, so it was exciting. I just want to thank everyone who's listening if you came, because it meant so much to me and my heart has just been warmed all day. Did you have any gay listeners there? I did.

Starting point is 00:08:14 They wouldn't have been the ones. What the ones who what? To talk about the BJs. I know. I want to ask, and I need a lot of audience participation. And the amazing thing is we gave people's cards at the beginning of the night, like what's your one question that you have about sex

Starting point is 00:08:26 What's the you know, we said a few really funny. I can't remember they were what's your what's your so whatever I really want to go to the next one people filled it all out. It was great. It was fun So thank you everyone for coming house for Hollywood. I appreciate it and it was fun night. So Daniel What up how you doing? I'm well. How are you so nice to meet you? So we were first introduced to you Howie and Mike who've been on the show and they have a show called Swing and it's on Playboy. Playboy radio. Playboy radio. And I love them. I adore them. And they like you got to introduce, you got to interview this guy. Daniel just wrote this book, Swingland

Starting point is 00:08:57 about swinging. It's amazing by the lifestyle because I find that everyone there, you know, in a monogamous relationship, you relationship, single, they're always fascinated by swingers, but they don't get it, they don't understand how it'll work. All this and you answer a lot of these questions from your own perspective, it's like you're narrative, but then also you give tips and you explain the whole thing and how you got into it. I think it's a great book, so I think you answer a lot of the questions and I've got a lot of questions for you too. So you can check it out at the other Daniel Stern.com or

Starting point is 00:09:30 follow me on Twitter at other Daniel Stern and Facebook, Facebook.com, the other Daniel Stern. Actually, Twitter's other Dan Stern. Oh, Dan Stern. Sorry. They didn't give me enough characters. I hate that. Okay. Other Dan Stern, other Dan Stern. Okay. So this book is like, I mean, I just wanted to read one thing about it here that I highly, I think it estimated 15 million strong worldwide swingers are everywhere. Their near neighbors probably, a huge community hiding in plain sight whose erotic pastime remains a complete mystery to the rest of us, which it kind of really does. And so what's interesting is that it says here Daniel Stern out himself and the secret of community

Starting point is 00:10:09 he loves recounting his 10 year transformation from a lonely guy couldn't get a date into a veteran sexual adventurer. So that makes me sound really cool doesn't it does. Well the fact that you were a lonely guy single and then now you're in this world having three Sims or G's craziness as a single guy because the rule typically is Couples and single women. Yes, I don't know how you got your way in there. So you got to tell us how did you get? First, let's go back to Daniel Stern 10 years ago. Okay. Let's do that. Tell me about that Daniel. I wasn't I mean, I did have girlfriends.

Starting point is 00:10:47 All the sex I had always had was in relationships. I had never had casual sex. And it wasn't that I didn't want to have it. I just, I kind of, this theory that like, there are some people that can close the deal and some people can, might be like genetically. And so I'm usually one of those people that can't close the deal.

Starting point is 00:11:04 Okay, not a closer. And so I'm usually one of those people that can't close the deal. Okay, not a closer. And so I was in this relationship with, she was a great woman, but we just did not really mesh, which we discovered. And I should have ended the relationship longer. It's actually, or just other way. It's actually mostly belief wise. Like she would, I'm on my best day, I'm agnostic.

Starting point is 00:11:22 Okay. She turned out born again Christian, so that really doesn't matter So when I got out of that I had always been curious about you know certain scenarios like three sums or groups X and stuff And I'm a boring yeah, I'm a boring straight male. That's what we think about And so I thought you know what? I'm not getting any younger. This is perfect time. Let me go ahead and try it So I didn't know there was such a thing as a lifestyle. I was just looking to have casual sex and Think you know because of the internet You know, that's a place where I could kind of it sort of equal the plane field in the sense because when I warm up to somebody

Starting point is 00:11:58 Personally wise like I can start to You know, I open up, But if it's on the internet, I've got a little bit more control over it, so it was easier for me. And so I started at Casual Sex. What do we done on the internet? She started using Craigslist or dating site for 10 years ago, I would think.

Starting point is 00:12:14 What was it? It was Craigslist. And then there was adult friend finder, which didn't really click with me. But after a couple of those, somebody mentioned this thing called the lifestyle and I went, oh, what's that? And they described it, I said, oh, I want to go there.

Starting point is 00:12:31 And then so I Googled it and just found a website, created a profile, and then just started emailing like the Tasmanian devil. Really? So you just started emailing who, like, like, well, if you go on the website, you know, go to the profiles. Oh, you picked profiles. And you're like, if they were looking for a man, you're like, well, if you go on the website, you know, go to the profile. Oh, you take profiles.

Starting point is 00:12:46 Yeah. And you're like, if they were looking for a man, you're like, I'm totally down. I'll try this. So, so your first time was with it, it was with a couple. Yes. So, okay, but let's just first of all, just to define Swinger is,

Starting point is 00:12:58 because there's like, Swinger, there's nomin, nomin, there's polyamory. So, Swingers are typically couples who swing with another couple or they bring another person in. Yeah, I mean, swapping with soft, soft, soft, there's all different permutations of it. But like you said earlier, I mean, the bedrock of the whole community are couples without couples you don't have the lifestyle because I mean, it's, you know, sexual relationships outside of a committed relationship. And so there's that, but everybody in the lifestyle is looking primarily for a single woman.

Starting point is 00:13:28 Right. Because, and this is my theory, just, you know, women are the prettier gender, I mean, much more appealing. Right. I think Anderson can get back me up on that. You're pretty hot, too, man. Okay. Well, can a UNM only in there?

Starting point is 00:13:42 It's hard to tell. Well, I could sense a little connection, but, you know, and so, you know, those are the primary people in the lifestyle ecosystem, and then all these guys are trying to get in. And so while the numbers, the single guys have the numbers, they don't have the opportunity. I didn't know that going in. Right, I think this could be fun. Yeah, exactly. Now, what part of swinging seem interesting?

Starting point is 00:14:07 Why not just hook up a different trick every night and have casual sex? Well, like I said, I mean, there were different scenarios that I was kind of interested in, a three-sum. OK, got it. You know, or G or any combination like that. And it was in a perfect situation because I was single. I was not wanting to get into any relationship

Starting point is 00:14:28 and I just had that motivation to do it. And I just, there's this theory that you know you don't choose the lifestyle, the lifestyle chooses you. Right. And so I kind of feel that there was some other forces at play that had me help me get into it all. Okay, got it. So it's been for 10 years, you haven't been in a committed relationship in 10 years? No, I mean I've, but it hasn't been. And they know, and you tell them like, this is my lifestyle. No. Okay. It's never advanced to that point where I've had to. In fact, the dating, it's been very infrequent. It's interesting now that the book is out. Now there's this whole question of people asked me, you know, well, how do

Starting point is 00:15:02 you tell a woman that you're dating? Right. And I mean, the truth is it hasn't gotten to that point yet. Until now, until you're a book. Yeah, exactly. But now it's nice, you know, if I start to be interested in a woman, I can go, oh, by the way, you might want to read this. Right. I think it's just scary.

Starting point is 00:15:18 So what's been your experience with that? Well, there was one, right when the book came out, there was one woman who's, I mean, just gorgeous. I mean, looks like, uh, fade done away, back in, like, Bonnie and Clyde, time and all that. And it was amazing, you know, I was just stunned that this, that she was wanting to go out and all this stuff and then it turns out, you know, crazy, ink pretty. So she was just really out there. Crazy and pretty. They say that happens. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:47 Yeah. But honestly, I mean, what do you suggest? Like, when, when, when, when is the right time to tell somebody, oh, by the way, this is my sexual past? I mean, it's not, it's not like I'm, you know, have done porn. I'm not doing it for money or anything like that. But when is the time to do that? I mean, I think it's probably when you're, before you have sex with someone, you should, before if you know that your relationship is getting to the point of having sex, I think you should tell them like I'm not into being monogamous right now. I see other people. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:16 And that's bang. As a guy, I would say the exact opposite. Wait till after, whenever color? Wait till after. Because then if she's not into it, at least you got to have sex with her. Well, okay, morally, I think the right thing to do because a lot of women, and this is a stereotype, but they do get attached to the sex. They're dating, you're thinking he wants to be with me. It's going to be a thing. So even if you don't have the swinging talk, you should have the talk about, I'm not interested in this going further because women typically have a harder time separating sex and they get very attached to it and they expect, well, this means something, he's

Starting point is 00:16:48 subbed with me, not every woman had a planet. But so I just think it helps to have these conversations. But I'm not saying everyone does and I, you know, I, whatever, I think that's what the right thing to that would be respectful. But if it's a casual thing and you both know it, then I don't think they need to know everything. Yeah, I mean, I also kind of think it's also a case by case, actually.

Starting point is 00:17:09 That's true, too. That's what I'm saying. It depends on the person. If you could tell exactly, if this woman is falling for you and she's into you and it's like the night's going to happen, and you know she's developing feelings and going to want more, she says things like, well, we should don't want you to know my family

Starting point is 00:17:20 or want to do it, then you'll know. That's time. But if someone's just like, hey, whatever, you know, I don't, I guess. So what have you, see, you've kind of probably done a little bow. You don't have any it, then you'll know that's time. But someone's just like, hey, whatever, I guess. So what have you, see you've kind of probably done a little about? You can't. You can't, because you wrote a book.

Starting point is 00:17:31 No, I mean, I think that from my youth, like I was sort of soured on the whole marriage thing, just my parents would, I say that my parents are still going through a divorce 30 years later. But so, you know, relationship, I've never felt like, okay, I need to be married. I need to have this. In fact, I like a lot of my alone time.

Starting point is 00:17:53 I think that I'm sort of creeping toward that space where it's like, okay, I do want to have a serious relationship. You think you do. Yeah, because the book, it actually only takes a slice of that time. I mean, where it peaks, where I had like a nine day, you know, time after play time after play time, that was probably like four, three or four years ago when that hit. Okay. And it's really peter off. Like, I mean, maybe I've played in the past like six months, like three times.

Starting point is 00:18:23 Okay. And then so when you mean play, you mean swing, everything. Yeah, exactly. Because here's the thing, like, I know that there's like play parties. Yes. I moved here in San Francisco a year and a half ago. So I feel like I was more, I knew more about the scene there than I do here. But so that's not necessarily swingers. So I'm curious like why you could just go to a play party that's just singles, right?

Starting point is 00:18:44 I mean, does that exist too? Yeah I'm sure it does. I mean the I can't say that there is anything that doesn't exist. Right. The longer I've been in it the longer I wrote the more I realize okay there is something for everybody here. Right. House parties tend to be organized by couples. Right. If it's a single who's organizing it, you have couples that are a little wary of that. Why is it a single person inviting us? But if it's a couple and then you're inviting more people, and these are house parties, not clubs, clubs, it's a whole different. Right, that's true. So when you have the couple that started, they're

Starting point is 00:19:18 inviting other couples, and they usually bring some singles in sort of like sprinkle in throughout, depending on what they want for the party. Like sometimes they're having, all these couples are coming together because they want to, in a sense, sort of honor the women. So they'll bring in extra guys. And sometimes it'll just be couples. Sometimes they'll be, you know, some single women as well.

Starting point is 00:19:38 So a lot of them, you know, they know in advance what the ratio they want to get is. Right, okay, so that's very calculated before hands. Yes, exactly. So did it come in the point where you know, they know in advance what the ratio they want to get. Right. Okay. So, that's very calculated before hands. Yeah. Exactly. So, it does it come to a point where you knew, so you, then you got into it after this. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:52 Like, they were accepting you into parties all over. But did you, did you have your click that you kept seeing over and over again in these 10 years? Or would it kind of change and fear? No, I mean, there's, in fact, before I showed up tonight, I was texting with a couple. I was actually their first experience. They're now married and they were going to call in, but they're in a childbirth class today. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:20:14 She's important. I thought, I don't know if we're still friends, but no kids. Right. But yeah, that's okay. So yeah, there's that core group that you kind of stay with. Okay. Or at least I do. And then you'll meet new people through that.

Starting point is 00:20:26 When I started, it was just balls to the wall. It was just who can I meet? Whether we play or not, I just want to meet people and we'll see what happens. So it was like very regimented. Every day, email. And you know, I- You were into it. You were like, I'm gonna, did you ever like go to a party and you like saw someone you

Starting point is 00:20:42 knew from Mark? No, no. Thank goodness. Right. I'm gonna I'm did you ever like go to party you like saw someone you knew from work? No, no thank goodness I mean because I sort of had this rule where it was I was only gonna play off my turf Okay, so I didn't want that to happen because you didn't do your neighborhood exactly You went like 10 miles out when LA is like another country exactly I got it a lot of times you know, I live you know in LA I'd go to the valley to meet people

Starting point is 00:21:02 But you know if if because the these profiles Let's tell you how far away these people live from you So if I see like two miles away, I'm like yeah, right. I'm gonna run on to it whole food if we don't want that Right, so so okay, so you got into this lifestyle and you loved it right away You felt like it found you you found it like this was your calling yes, what did you love about it? Um? For me like when I go on a date, I feel like it's this whole social dance where you're trying to figure out how to reveal yourself or mix, but it's a foregone conclusion when you're meeting somebody in lifestyle that sex is already a possibility.

Starting point is 00:21:42 That's it, right, it's already on the table. That's the only thing on the menu. Yeah, I mean, from a guy, you know, if you're going on date with a girl, a lot of it is, okay, would I sleep with her and all that? So you don't have to think about that. So everybody is open and honest from the get going. I just love that, especially in LA, where a lot of times, like, go on dates, you feel like you're on a job interview. Yeah, what are the women like? They grill you? Yeah, it's, oh, what do you do? Who do you know? Yeah. You kind of feel like you're on a job interview. Yeah, do they what are the women like they grill you? Yeah, it's oh what do you do? Who do you know? Yeah, I kind of feel like they're asking and if you can help them right which is firm count? No, I get that that's that's whatever. I think that's women everywhere

Starting point is 00:22:16 Yeah, me. I have like it's not even talk about anything serious right now on this first day I mean, do you think that like the women in San Francisco are different than the women here or the bad? I do. I do. I think that um dating is definitely different. I feel like in San Francisco no one really guys don't ask you out. They don't approach you in San Francisco at all. I always say like guys must like check their balls at the gongaer or something together because there's just like you never get everyone's like oh, it's hanging in groups and no one approaches you but here I think people are much more into dating and even marriage.

Starting point is 00:22:48 Like none of my friends in this girl, you married, everyone here is like married and fell down. As far as the women being different, I do, I mean, I don't, I just want to, you know, I'm still new is here. And I don't know, I guess it's just a little, it's more, people are just more chill. It doesn't matter if your car's dirty or how you look or like what you, what you're wearing.

Starting point is 00:23:07 I mean, for sure, for some people, it does, but it's just not as focused on that people are like following their dreams and their passions and everyone works and has real jobs. And I mean, I don't know. It's just, it's a little more serious, a little more cultured. And people are just a little more down to earth, me but not everyone. There's good people wherever you go. You say LA is more cultured than San Francisco? No, San Francisco is. People are just more.

Starting point is 00:23:29 San Francisco too has more natives of San Francisco, probably live in there. And LA is just filled with people not from here. No, but see, people say that about San Francisco too that it's transient. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I think it's just like I was there for so long that I just had my court groups. I wasn't always like meeting a bunch of new people, but I was there for 20 years. But I also think that, I think it's just like I was there for so long that I just had my court groups I wasn't always like meeting a bunch of new people but I was there for 20 years But I also think that um, yeah, I don't know. I think that they're just

Starting point is 00:23:50 Women here are hotter everyone says so I mean, I can't compare I mean they they I'm definitely not complaining right like everyone says like sevens think they're ten And so I was just going my guy friends of it I felt like a ten it was good here. I feel like a four you're gonna in a 11. I'm a 11. You're in a 11. Oh, thank you. Thank you. So, what do you, yeah, so the women in the, yeah, so your swing or parties are probably hot women, attractive women men, couples, not always. So, because that was my next question. Yeah, I mean, there's that stereotype that they're all, you know, sweaty overweight. Ponytails. Exactly. Menace, who's my co-host in the show sometimes

Starting point is 00:24:25 is like every singer has a ponytail. I gotta take a picture of you. He's convinced. And enough back hair. Or a pair. Back hair, oh my god, the no-no. Yeah, why do they have so much back hair? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:24:34 I mean, I. Do you talk about that? There's two things that I do better than anybody else in the world, and that's grow hair and sweat. I take care of myself. Good, how do you take care of it? Well, I'd look really stupid if I start shaving it all the way down. So I trim and make sure it's at a length that will not be

Starting point is 00:24:52 disturbing to somebody to a woman. And other guys, whatever. So yeah, it's just, you know, when I need to trim, I will trim. I won't wax. I mean, that's got to hurt. And if you wax before, yeah, I did. Has that worked? That's much less long time ago. How was that? I was really high when I did it. It's fine. You guys got to use the no-no. I'm telling you, I'm using it everywhere on my body, like, that I never have to shave anymore.

Starting point is 00:25:16 It sounds like Daniel could use some down under too. Oh, I have done under comfort. I have a product line called Emily and Tony. I actually bought you one, but it's a cream to a powder formula that you use anywhere you sweat. So between your legs, lower back, it gives you confidence when you're in these swinging parties or whatever that you know that you are always fresh and dry even if you sweat like menus, talking powder, person, john, this stuff, it's just like it smells amazing. It's fresh and dry. It's not messy and all day long, you will smell amazing. Yeah, and just a little bit.

Starting point is 00:25:45 It's vegan. You don't want to drink it, though. There's no need to. No, you can't. No, it's totally. It's vegan. You're going to love it. I brought you a little gift.

Starting point is 00:25:52 Daniel. I got a quick question. Have you ever had to bang like, lady, you didn't want to? That's just my next question about the women. Look at that. No. I mean, there's that. I wouldn't work if someone's all over you.

Starting point is 00:26:03 You're a party. There's only maybe 30. How do you be like, no, I'm not into you. I mean, there's that. I mean, it's like someone's all over you. You're a party. There's only maybe 30. How do you be like, no, I'm not into that. I mean, there's ways to say it. It's something like, you know, I don't really feel the chemistry or, you know, you can also say, you know, I've just played. I need to rest a little bit and then you kind of go away.

Starting point is 00:26:19 Refractory. But nobody takes it personally. I mean, it's not, yeah, I mean, if there's this really gorgeous woman and she's not feeling it with me, I'm like, oh, that kind of sucks, but you move on. Yeah, you're like, because there's 15 other women here. Exactly. But with the women, I mean, I think that they have to deal

Starting point is 00:26:36 with it a lot more, especially if you're at a club, because a club, they'll let in tons of single gods, because they pay a high admission fee. So I mean if the house party is a nonprofit a club is a for-profit business. Right. And the guys just they just get gouged because like single women go free everywhere. Right. Couples they'll pay like you know 40 bucks.

Starting point is 00:26:57 Guys they'll pay like 80, 120 bucks. Right. Do you go to these clubs too? I've been to I've been to a club twice because there was a single woman that wanted me to go But I don't go to those because they just smack of meat market, right? It's a freefraught because they these host and I've been to them The parties there's this more like you know, you have to follow the rules your it's it's it's curated She's true to Daniel Because she got to show up and she went for free. You had to pay the single guy you guys should have gone in as a couple

Starting point is 00:27:23 But what happened? What were you going to say? Oh, you were in a couple. Yeah. So what happened? You got there and you didn't want to be with her. She didn't want to be with you. What did you say? You got rid of her.

Starting point is 00:27:30 Oh no, he just, I just mentioned. Oh, I thought you asked about a woman. Oh, if a woman, yeah, no, I'll just say like, oh, you know, I'm not really feeling the chemistry. Or I said I was going to help hook up with the other one. I was going to go down on the strike second a minute. So what about women? So do you but then you can probably get rejected too. Oh yeah. And that's fine because you just move on to the next. I mean it's a great practice. So I'm wondering like what would you say if any are traits of of typical swingers if there are any do you think there's certain more characteristics oh I think that there's an openness and there the way that I see there's an

Starting point is 00:28:11 openness there's I hate this word but there's a realness to them they're more easy going it's it's it's it's really sort of an organic feeling to it. It's not like, you know, if you want to be a swimmer, you have to have X, Y, and Z. There's something about it. And I will say, I think that I got very lucky with the people. I've only had only a few horrendous experiences. Really? Yeah, there was, and one of them was, it with a couple and I think I think I'm yeah

Starting point is 00:28:47 I do mention the book and so they wanted to meet at a bar and Which is great meeting public, you know, so there's nothing crazy on on they were a little snippy toward each other Oh, it's like oh, maybe this is like they're four players. I don't know so we ended up they got they had a hotel room So I went back to the hotel room and they were still still snappy. My gut was saying, just go, just leave. But I didn't. Right, we never followed our gut. Yeah. And then so we were in bed, and she was performing oral on him, and I was performing oral on her, and all of a sudden I started to hear somebody snore, and the guy fell asleep. No way. I was like, holy shit,. There's I'm in the middle of a cage match about to go down So I just got up and I went I'm out of here because she caught him sleeping

Starting point is 00:29:32 He's how does he fall asleep? Wait, she was giving him a blowjob and he fell asleep exactly So there's a stranger in between his wife. Was he drunk? I mean, no, but that is this bizarre. Was he drinking? He had a couple beers, but it wasn't like he was pounding him back. Apparently, she wasn't like, good, did you hail out of there? I got out of there, yeah. Like right before you're like, don't even touch my penis, because I'm not sleepy yet.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Okay. We come back. I want to hear more of the crazy stories, and I want some more tips. So first, I'm quick, quick word from our sponsors here. This Thursday, a new essay network. I love my wife. I love enough to keep a relationship going.

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Starting point is 00:30:31 For supporting my sponsors, I appreciate it, and I need to tell you all about spicy subscriptions. Because you know, I talk a lot about sex toys on the show, and you all email me, which one should I get? I don't know what to do. It can be overwhelming to choose. Or if you're like me, you want to try everything.

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Starting point is 00:33:54 Is it just the latex stuff? Or is it also electric? It doesn't vibrate, but it's like they have their special patented material like looks and feels like the real deal and you masturbate in it and I mean I every guy that I've given it to to try is like they're you know straight they like freaked out over it they love it so yeah I should have brought you that down under comfort okay so I'm talking to Daniel Stern about his book swing line so we're talking about were talking about the crazy stories and have fun at the bad ones, but that's good.

Starting point is 00:34:27 You've only had a few experiences like that. So I want to know, the thing is, why do you think that everyone is so fascinated by this swing culture? There's such a device in it as people like that can't work. Those people aren't happy. They're crazy. But I know a lot of Swinger.

Starting point is 00:34:41 I mean, they're not. And people think they just could never handle it. So what do you think that is? Why people are fascinated by it and Well, I think for I mean I think it's country by country so I can't really speak for other than has been in America I mean we're founded by Puritans so right for me I know that there's a big element that's the taboo element to it just knowing that you're doing something that society is saying Right isn't the norm.

Starting point is 00:35:05 So I think that for most people there is that fascination of that. And then, I mean, even the most committed couples, you've thought at some point or another, what would it be like if? Right, exactly. And so instead of just continuing what if, you know that there's, you know, on the other side of that door, it's not what if it's when. Right. And it's happening.

Starting point is 00:35:27 Right. And it's accessible. That's the thing. It is right there. You don't know where it's happening. I have this theory that everybody is separated by a swing or by one degree. Right. I think you're right.

Starting point is 00:35:38 Absolutely. So I think there's that taboo and the people just, oh, I'd never do that. But I would, I'd like to know what it would be like. I think they'd like to do it if people just, oh, I'd never do that, but I'd like to know what it would be like. I think they'd like to do it if they could then take it back. Exactly. Well, this is the thing. But what is it about the constitution of these couples?

Starting point is 00:35:52 Is it, as a lot of them, would you say that it ranges that a lot of them have been together a while, and then they decide to swing or, or some, they got married and they were swinging on their honeymoon? In my experience, it's, they were together or married for a while, and they're looking to spice things up. A lot of people say, we're looking to spice it up. The couples that don't last are the ones that are looking for the lifestyle to save the relationship.

Starting point is 00:36:15 Right, exactly. And that's, I mean, what it's not only not going to save the relationship, it's going to speed up its demise. Exactly. And I've seen that happen a few times. But the couple I was talking about earlier that are in travel birth, I mean, they had met relationship it's gonna speed up its demise exactly and i've seen that happen a few times but uh... you know that the couple i saw about earlier that are in travel berth i mean they had met and i think we're together a couple months is just

Starting point is 00:36:32 boyfriend girlfriend and then they discussed it and and sought out an experience okay but the vast majority i'd say that you know probably married like five six seven years uh... and then they decide to try it okay is it And is it usually, so it's like walk me through this. So is it before they go to a part, obviously to be a successful swing or couple, you need to have great communication.

Starting point is 00:36:54 You need to discuss everything beforehand. You need to have rules. Can you kiss? Can you do this? Can you do that? So I'm wondering if couples, like when they go, do they, they, it's not always like a full swap or is it more typically a full swap?

Starting point is 00:37:09 Like you have to like both members. Like how does it, I know there's all different permeations. So tell me about some of the common ones. Well, you know, I will give a disclaimer that you know I haven't swung as a couple. I've just done a single, but I have many couples that are friends. So the thing, it really depends on

Starting point is 00:37:26 the couple. What you said at first about the communication. I mean, when I meet people who've read the book or they buy the book and they email me and they say, you know, my husband and I, we were talking about this. I say, great talk about it. Talk and talk and talk until you're sure. What are some of the things you think that they specifically need to cover? Because you can't imagine you're like, I think it would be fun to see my wife getting banged by another guy, but I might be terrifying and awful and I'm like, you're a woman's same thing. Yeah, I mean, I think you can say from the woman's point of view, but I would think from

Starting point is 00:37:56 the man's point of view, it's, am I not doing something for you? Right. Do you need to get something that you're not getting from me? Is that what it is? Right. And if that is the case and don't swing. Right. I mean, it's got to be something that is added onto what's already there. Exactly. It's variety. Yes. Which is what makes Keepsex interesting. And a lot of the swingers probably report that it

Starting point is 00:38:17 does help their relationship afterwards that they had these other experiences. And how do you explain that to someone? Because people are listening to that, that would just tear off me apart. But it's like having this new experience together is what kind of keeps you together even though it's sexual other people. Right. Which could be a confusing academy. Right. It's just not how society thinks at least in our culture. I kind of equate it to, you know how some people will ask, you know, can you teach somebody to be funny? Right.

Starting point is 00:38:45 And a lot of people say, no, you're either funny or you're not funny. I think it's you either understand it or you don't. And it's just how you're made up. I don't know if it's your DNA or you think you're right. I think it's not, I think it's not for everyone. And but I think it's for a lot of people who, but I do think it's for a lot of people who don't realize or don't think they could ever do it, but they know in their mind that they could do it. Yes.

Starting point is 00:39:06 You know what I mean? And those people aren't like coming out of the, look at the closet with it yet, because I think, or their partner doesn't want to, or it's hard to find both two people in a marriage who have that synergy and can both want to try it. Yeah, because even though I was a single guy doing this, I, and single guys, it's, it's very tough, but I feel that I had some advantages over couples because as a single guy, like, all I have to do is, okay, am I okay with this couple? Am I okay with this single person? If I'm a couple, I have to go, okay, am I okay with this couple? Am I okay with her with this couple? Is she okay with me with

Starting point is 00:39:38 this couple? Is she okay? I mean, there's just, it just exponentially explodes. And the, the decision making process is so much more complicated. So couples, it's tough. I mean, it's this catch-point too because we need the couples and the lifestyle for the lifestyle to exist, but it's so hard for them. And it's so hard to match another couple with a couple that a lot of times it's a battle of attrition and then they're finally like, we just want an experience, we'll take a single guy. Right. Okay. That's how a lot of single guys get in it of attrition and then they're finally like we just want an experience we'll take a single guy.

Starting point is 00:40:05 Right. That's how a lot of single guys get there. Okay, so you're straight. Yes. So have you ever been with a man? No. Okay, so is that hard because a lot of guys like no way, no, I don't want to be in the room. So you've had a lot of male, male, female, three sums, right?

Starting point is 00:40:18 Yeah. And so because I think that'd be awesome. But I could see a lot of men are like no no way, I would never want to do it. But it's about pleasing the woman. Yeah. And it's about, right, so I get that. So these guys, if it's the first time and they're okay with, is there ever any jealousy that they're like, wow, she never mone like that with me?

Starting point is 00:40:38 You know what, I don't know if I've been lucky or that just as I'm not, doesn't happen, but I haven't had that. A lot of times, if I'm able to, you know, let me back up and say, when, when, when, when, when you're talking to each other and getting to know each other, so you know what turns you on, and this is the honest guy's truth, what turns me on is, is helping a woman have an orgasm. There's the biggest turn on for me is to know that I helped or got her to have that. That's like, okay, I did something right. So, doing that.

Starting point is 00:41:07 How do you know do they tell you before, like, this is what you need or are? Now you just sort of, you sort of play it by ear. And, play it by not necessarily ear. So you'll play it by now, I get it. But, so taking that, a lot of the husbands love to see their woman. And, I was gonna talk about that for a second

Starting point is 00:41:25 because we got to keep going. Yeah, well, they just love what's turning them on is their woman that they love experiencing pleasure. And so if I'm causing that, it's not that I'm putting a wedge in their relationship. He, as Alani is saying in the book, I say, I'm good with couples because I know that even though my dick is in her,

Starting point is 00:41:45 I'm fucking him as well. Yeah, exactly. Right. In a, you know, emotional sense. And so I have to be very conscious of that. Right. And, you know, I'm also very careful. The couples that I will see. Because, for instance, the other week, there is a couple that I'm friendly with. And she, the wife was home, she was off work and she wanted me to come over and I said, you know, does, does, hubby know. She said, yes, he knows it's okay. I'm very careful with that. Of course, yeah, you have to be,

Starting point is 00:42:11 and that's good that you are. But I have a question, it's, I think a lot of people can't understand why how a husband could bear to watch his wife have sex with another man in front of him. Like, why they even desire that? Like, what is it just like a certain type of, can you explain that? I mean, again, I'm not, you know, I have another, this is a couple. Right. But you've seen enough couples.

Starting point is 00:42:36 How would you explain it? Because he wrote this like, and I, because I, I went to private, I was out with the girlfriend that's me, who's, who's married and she was like, God, he always talks about like, you love to have me watch me have sex with someone else. And they're like a very straight kind of vanilla couple. I was like, it's a really common fantasy for guys, you know? And I was trying to explain it, but I was like, it's, what would you say? Is that how would you define the mentality of that?

Starting point is 00:42:55 Just that he loves his wife so much and wants her to have pleasure? Or it turns him on that someone, I think it's a combination of a bunch of stuff. I think there's that there's also this thing where she's having sex with somebody else, but she's coming home with him. Right. So it's like, yeah, you might have the time of your life there, but you're still mine. You know, you're still coming home to me. And there's that that feeling of that, that, that, that, that said love bond, I guess.

Starting point is 00:43:20 Right. Yeah. Okay. I really do think that there's a genetic thing. I do too. I absolutely agree. Just like cheating Yeah, I think you who are cheat their high risk adrenaline all that stuff So the thing I like about the lifestyle or anyone who's into like kink your sex is that you find out like right away Like you can you take a sexual inventory? So what are their turn-ons or turn-offs their fancies? What are their limits?

Starting point is 00:43:41 All that stuff before you even have sex right? So this is what happens at the parties when you get there, right? You kind of have, are your book opens with the conversation with a husband interviewing you about having sex with his wife in 10 minutes or whatever. So is that often the protocol when you walk in? You're not like you're like sitting there having some wine and then you're like, okay, so what? Well, nowadays all that stuff happens before you even meet.

Starting point is 00:44:02 I mean, it's the's the profile on the website. OK. And so which web can you talk about the websites you use? Yeah, I use now. Yes. And right now, I just use. Because people are always asking me. Yes, swinglifestyle.com.

Starting point is 00:44:14 I also find that the sites are very regional. So here it tends to be swing lifestyle and lifestyle lounge. I know that in Texas, recently, it's SDC, SDC.com. So it's all over the place. And all websites are the same, but they're different. But on the profiles, you will put, you know, you'll have pictures. If you want to put pictures, you'll talk describe yourself, describe what you're looking for, describe fantasies, anything else. So when I go online, I tend to look at who's online rather than just profiles because online they're more active and the odds are better

Starting point is 00:44:52 that they'll actually come through in the end. If they're looking for a single guy, then I'll read about what they like, what they're looking for. And I'm also careful because a lot of times the couple will say you know straight male, straight female but then you see later on the profile, the guy is curious. Oh, and you're like, I'm not, I'm out. So what are your turn-offs? What's your, I guess that, you're not bisexual but what is there anything else that you're

Starting point is 00:45:17 like, not into that that you read and profiles for a life? Um, I think it's too extreme, especially when you're dealing with, you know, if women have these very violent fantasies, if I'm just meeting you for the first time, I mean, that's risky. I don't do that. Um, I use, I do safe sex. So, you know, there are some couples that they don't want condoms. And I'm like, you know, good on the handle that you say that they hand out they're literally carry around their STDI report. Some people do, yeah. Yeah. They're like, this is the date on it stamped and this is my report, because how else do you know? You gotta use condoms.

Starting point is 00:45:52 It just seems crazy. Well, a lot of these house parties, when there's couples that know each other for a long time and you have that level of trust then you're okay with it. But yeah, so if it's a couple contacts me, and a big one thing for me is if they contact me and they say hey Can you come over in 10 minutes? Oh, that's the first thing. I'm as well. I mean I could but why so yeah?

Starting point is 00:46:12 Yeah, right exactly like why do you mean that right? That's that's a good yeah, I'm a good red flag I'm not into recreational drugs. I'm not against them But if you see a profile that's saying hey hey, we want to party party in play. Right. That's not my thing. OK, got it. So mostly what you've done is met couples online, then more so than the parties, or you think you've done them

Starting point is 00:46:33 all, it done both. It's primarily, it's for me, it was the internet meeting couples there. And then it's word of mouth. The first house party I ever went to was because a couple had said, oh, you know, that Dan should meet such and such. Okay. And I was like, oh, who are they? And they said, oh, they do this house party. He said, oh, yes, I should meet them. Yes, I should because I got it. Because then you're in. Yeah. So I have a question for you. So in 10

Starting point is 00:46:59 years, how come you never thought about, or maybe getting into a relationship with a woman and then or meeting it, you never met anyone at these parties with a single woman there and then started a relationship where you knew that this person would be okay with swinging because she's already there. Yeah there were a few women that I met and I knew it's okay they're trying to push things in that direction but I had started it because I was curious about stuff and also I mean right before I got into I mean in my opinion I was terrible at stuff and also, I mean, right before I got into it, I mean, in my opinion, I was terrible at sex. Really?

Starting point is 00:47:26 Okay, that was my next question. Also, what did you learn in these last? Or did you, you're going to finish the story about it? No, no, no. Okay. But you know, I sort of boarded it off because I was trying to, I wanted to be better at sex before I went to the relationship. I want to know what you, what you learned.

Starting point is 00:47:39 So 10 years ago, lonely Daniel, what, what have you learned about sex in these 10 years? It was sort of this, I never sleep that dragon. Okay. To me, I had no, why I thought I was so bad is I had no control over myself. It was, there was no, I didn't have duration. I didn't really know how to, it, it, it, satisfy, in my opinion, please a woman to my satisfaction. It was, it was a crapshoot at best. And I wanted reliability, I wanted to be able to,

Starting point is 00:48:11 you know, give her the pleasure, because all women are different. So you have to be adaptable and stuff like that. And so I needed sexual batting practice. And that's what I sought out. And I just happened to find the lifestyle. And it was- Was it that before you just weren't, you didn't talk about sex with a person you were with,

Starting point is 00:48:29 you're like, I think she had orgasm, I tried, I don't know, it was kind of like that. And why did you think you were terrible? Probably mostly because I just didn't know what I was doing. Right. Like most people. Yeah. And why my show exists. Credit to all of my girlfriends that I had they were very

Starting point is 00:48:45 understanding but there are times when you have sex and it doesn't last that long and you could feel the frustration. So we would like would you just come before you wanted to most time and then how did you learn do you stand for training Kaggle what did you do to last longer? Well that's a huge thing. Yeah there is I had seen some documentary and I remember I don't know what it was but Ron Jeremy had talked about how he controls himself where he distracts himself during the scene where you know you look at if you're having sex but you look and you say to yourself lava lamp or couch and so you're still in the moment but you're not overstimulated right so I would do that and

Starting point is 00:49:21 just practice on my own right the stop start method keglexerc keglexercises, all that stuff, and it really worked. And you changed that. Okay, that's good. So that would probably buy your confidence. So then now you can last longer. And then what did you learn about pleasing women? I'm sure you have, you perform a lot of oral sex now. So what are some tips that you can get?

Starting point is 00:49:36 I love oral sex tips. What are your top tips? What don't people know? Well, one thing that I did learn is, with guys, I think it was kind of discussed earlier You know when you were giving your workshop about you know to have pressure, right? I don't think it's the same for women. It's being light and gentle. Yes, and so that and Well, yeah when your performer all sex be light and gentle don't just go after like your Mac and honor

Starting point is 00:50:01 Like we want you to slow down and I always so guys go three to five times slower than you think you should. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. So yeah, the light, you know, going light, uh, slow and take your time. I listen and I, I'm just, you know, it's not just my mouth here. I'm using my hands and feeling what must, if she starts to move around, I know I'm doing something right. Exactly. You pay attention. And I want to listen as well. And I'll, I know I'm doing something right. Exactly. You pay attention. And I want to listen as well. And I'll keep my eyes open from time to time to see what she's doing. So I'm trying to be reactive. And you know, I can tell if she, even though I'm saying, you know, don't go hard, sometimes, you know, likes it a little bit here and there.

Starting point is 00:50:41 Right. So I'll try that. And I'll experiment here and there. You probably have a bunch of little tricks now. I try. I try. I try. Yeah. Like what else? Anything like specific.

Starting point is 00:50:51 Oh yeah. I do. Not, I guess, I don't know if this is true. I don't think every woman has that G spot when you go inside. This is an aura. I mean, this is manual. Right. But I'd like to try that.

Starting point is 00:51:01 The two fingers come Heather when you're having or, yeah. No, that can be. That was one of my tips last night that if you put two fingers like two thirds in and the com Heather towards her her pelvic bone To do spot yeah, and you can simulate it and she can have like she can she can't work too. Yeah, she can squirt that way Yeah, yeah, it's true That's it and of course that came up last night to during my workshop that the guys are so fast and everybody's quitting But you so you have you ever made a woman's word who never squirted before? Yeah, a few times.

Starting point is 00:51:26 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's my thing. No. No, my resume. But I think from a guy's point of view, too, I mean, we're visual. Right.

Starting point is 00:51:34 That's physical proof you did. She had an orgasm. You did that. But she doesn't. Can I tell you you can squirt and not have an orgasm? Oh, you didn't know that? You can. OK. You can squirt.

Starting point is 00:51:44 You can also squirt and have an orgasm. but it doesn't always mean the event orgasm. Can you dehydrate from squirting too much? I think so, yeah. You can dehydrate anytime. You're losing fluids from your body. You should drink if you're bleeding or anything. You've got to always hydrate. But that's cool.

Starting point is 00:52:01 So what else do you think that you're just more confident now? Yeah. With everything that you do. So what would you say is, what could people then in like Marva Vanilla? So what do you think they could learn from swinging lifestyle? The communication. I mean, whether or not you go into the lifestyle and experience any of it, the whole lead up of the talking to and listening. That is a huge element. That's why, you know, and I said a couple, couple's email me and they say, Hey, and I'll thank you for the book. We were, you know, we've been thinking about it and talking in your book. We think your book sort of pushed us over to try it. I said, I said, that's great.

Starting point is 00:52:41 I said, as long as you've had that communication and you know why you're doing it. And you talk about that, right? So Swingland is his book for everyone who's on you by the Amazon, right? And Amazon, there's no website. And your website too? Yeah, there's links on the way. Yeah, I got it.

Starting point is 00:52:53 Because I think it's great because if you can kind of, you really get into to like how it works. So, but explain it to my audience is that like how, how does it work? Like what is it ever to like a full swap and the partial swap and that like how, how does it work? Like what is the difference between like the full swap and the partial swap and like what happens at these like parties or who decides and how do you know? Yeah, if you go to the party, I mean a lot of it

Starting point is 00:53:14 from the get go is just socializing, getting to know each other, anything from, you know, people talk stock tips. Right. All the way to, you know, anal sex or not anal sex. And when you get into that sexual talk, there are certain terms that people using are, you soft swap or full swap.

Starting point is 00:53:32 Soft swap is what? Everything but penetration. For women, no oral sex, but I mean there's penetration. There's full swap is everything. So there's same room versus different room. I was gonna ask you that. So to do a lot, what would you say is more popular? They wanna be in the same room versus different. I was gonna ask you that. So to do a lot, what would you say is more popular?

Starting point is 00:53:46 They want to be in the same room or different room? For the new couples, it's mostly same room. And I think that that's a good thing. Right. When, you know, the friends that I have now are people that have been swinging for a while. So, you know, you're all over the place. Sometimes same room, sometimes different,

Starting point is 00:54:03 sometimes you're on the jacuzzi, sometimes you're in the backyard.. Sometimes same room, sometimes different, sometimes you're on the jacuzzi, sometimes you're in the backyard. Who knows? And then, you know, be up front, they discuss condoms, some women are allergic to late tech. You got to know that right after that. Some couples, they're okay with the sex, but they don't want kissing.

Starting point is 00:54:22 You got to talk about it. That'd be nice for me. That'd be a deal breaker. I like kissing, you can see. I love it too, but some, I get it. Whatever happens between the couples. No, I get it, they make these decisions. So you say that the lifestyle has pros and cons

Starting point is 00:54:34 and so I'm wondering what some of the cons might be. Let's start with those. There's a stigma attached to it. What we were talking about earlier, when would you recommend, I tell a girl that I'm dating about this past. you know, there there's this whole You know all this baggage that comes with it and Right there is people that don't get it. It's like so foreign. Yeah, cuz to me it's not a big deal

Starting point is 00:54:56 Right just sex. Yeah, that's it. Um, I think that there's in addition to Sigma There's a stereotype like you're saying, you know the pony tail. He does not have a ponytail. I do. I do. That's true. Yeah. I got to ask question before the show is done. Yeah. Oh no good. Well we're not done but yeah. What's the most fucked up thing you've ever seen at a sex party? Single most fucked up thing. Well I'm not I have never really been into the BDSM world and there is one of the groups that I'm around with some regularity. There's a woman who used to be a professional dominatrix. And at one of these parties, there's a husband of a different couple who likes to be dominated.

Starting point is 00:55:37 And so she was doing all of her stuff just in the middle of the group playroom. But it was so weird because she's you know, she's you know spanking him and you know crushing his balls like a full-on Dominic just years like yeah, and all this You know very in front of everybody in front of everybody, but look on her face is just like it's another day in the life It was so funny. Did you look bored? Yeah, she looked very bored It's gonna be over, but that's what he was into right?, yeah, but so interesting. She sought me out later in that party. You like cup your balls

Starting point is 00:56:09 immediately. I said, what's up? I'm going to the bathroom over here. She I said, oh, you know, you look a little tired. Do you want a massage? She was on cloud nine. I just gave her a massage that was a gateway to anything. She was just she was like, everybody get away. And just I just gave got some. This dominatrix. You. You were like, I'm going to take her down. So I have a question for you though, about how people think like it's not going to last swinging couple, swing or couples. Like do you find that you know a lot of happily married, just like happily married swinging couples. Lots.

Starting point is 00:56:36 And do you think they're even happier in some ways? Yes, yes, I do. And it's not because, oh, they're having a lot more sex. That's part of it. I really do think it goes well. I think it's not going married to a couple. Lots. And do you think they're even happier in some ways? Yes, yes, I do. And it's not because, oh, they're having a lot more sex. That's part of it. I really do think it goes back to that bedrock of communication.

Starting point is 00:56:51 Communication. Open, they've talked, you know, you know, if you've got a couple and they're these certain things that they don't talk about or aren't comfortable talking about, that can blow up. Right, exactly. And so this is kind of also, if you learn to talk about sex, you can talk about anything.

Starting point is 00:57:05 And I think that is the biggest problem. Why the number of reasons why marriage is fall apart, relationship is fall apart is because people don't know how to talk to each other, especially about sex. Sex becomes a problem and years go by. It's amazing to me. Because someone's like, emails me all the time. We married 20 years. And my wife, it's just so me she never in order.

Starting point is 00:57:22 I'm like, you've never told. What do we do now? I'm like 20 years. I don't even know, or, or, you know, she doesn't want whatever it is, or he's into certain things that she's not, and they've never talked about it. And they're emailing me. And I'm like, well, talk to her. Like, what are her fantasies? I don't know. I've never had, you know, it's like, they don't. So I think it's great that singers can like, it's all on the table. Like, you find out, like, what your, I almost feel like we should do that. do that. No matter what kind of relationship you're in, find out if you're sexually compatible before anything else.

Starting point is 00:57:49 Who cares if you say movies in the same music, but sexual compatibility and the frequency, you like that sex, everything is very important. This might just be me, but there's this feeling that I'm sort of, there's this sort of superhero element to it, not that I have superpowers or something, but the fact that I have these double life. Yeah, yeah, and there's something you know

Starting point is 00:58:07 I have a secret that all these people know nothing about in fact all but two of my friends Had no idea about this really until I told people I said oh by the way. I just sold a book There are only two people out of all your close friends Where they shocked and then I wanted to call with you? No, what some of them? Yeah, but I that's not. Did you feel like they're feelings about you changed? There was one that I know changed, but I didn't really approve of anything.

Starting point is 00:58:34 She's done with her life anyway. Right. Exactly. A lot of people are just judgmental about it because either it's because maybe they want that they can't have it or they just, you know, it scares them. Yeah. I think it's very scary to people unless you're in it. But I love your book, and it's called Swingland. Everyone should check it out.

Starting point is 00:58:49 And what's your favorite part of the book? I was going to have you read something about running out of time, but what would you say is do you have a part that you love that you think is the most tough? Actually, I told one of the stories at the Moth. Story story. Oh, I love the Moth, yeah. And it's the chapter in there called, same book, Dusty Cover, where it was the very first house party I went to where I showed up, and I realized I was the month. Yeah, and it's the chapter. They're called us same book dusty cover where it was the very first house party I went to where I showed up and I realized I was the youngest by three decades. Oh my god

Starting point is 00:59:11 right and it was sort of hard to extract myself because you so there were swingers like in their 70s. Yeah swinging good for them. That's the most fucked up thing you've ever seen Yeah, but I tell you what did you like back out or did you play? With a couple I with a couple of the women I play but they were on the younger younger 50s, okay, you know, I think one was really 60 There you go Daniel gives it up. Okay. That's awesome. Everyone check it out. It's Dan your and your website is The other Daniel Stern Daniel Stern.

Starting point is 00:59:46 Stern.com and at Dan Stern on Twitter. At other Dan Stern. Sorry mess up. It's all on the website. Okay everyone follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram at sex with Emily and thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithamlee.com. That is awesome show Dan. I hope everyone enjoyed it. And I know a lot of you, you live in

Starting point is 01:00:10 the LA or you come here often and the Hustler Hollywood store should be your main destination for the best toys, erratica, sexies, lingerie. And most of all, the easiest way to find the answers you've been looking for is spice up your sex life. Hustler Hollywood, perfect date night spot. If you're in a relationship, browser section, sexy books, see what both get you turned on, and I'm gonna be teaching more workshops there like I just told you about it was so much fun. So just make a trip to LA when I'm teaching the next one.

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Starting point is 01:00:57 Just for a second, just a see how it feels. Hey, this is Jordan Harbinger, host of the Art of Charm Podcast, the number one dating and relationship advice podcast in iTunes. I'm Emily Morris, host of the Art of Charm Podcast, the number one dating and relationship advice podcast in iTunes. I'm Emily Morris, host of the Sex with Emily Podcast, the number one sex and relationship podcast on iTunes and it's sexwithemily.com. And this is just the tip. So the elusive female orgasm, you know, a lot of guys are like, I don't know when it's happening, I don't know how to encourage it to happen, they just like pound harder or whatever They don't really, you know, know how to finesse the situation. I'm so fed up, you're right, you're right. Women, you know, they're they're vagina's like the Rubik's cube of life

Starting point is 01:01:31 I understand that. So the theme of orgasm is fickle, but there are some things guys can do to kind of help it along Make sure that it happens, you know, you can't always guarantee it's gonna happen But take her off the clock. You know guys a lot of them are worried about lasting longer. Women Women are so self conscious that they're taking a lot longer to have an orgasm that they're worrying about it too much because they're thinking that you're not going to it. Or guys who are in a trouble, right? Yeah, it is. So guys just be like, you know, babe, I don't care how long it takes. I'm here for you if you're performing all sex.

Starting point is 01:01:56 You're having intercourse or whatever it is. Make sure that you let her know that you are there for the long haul. A lot of women take, you know, 20, 30 minutes. You're not going to let her. I don't want to. Who's like, this sex thing is so tedious. Let's hurry it up. I can't get that.

Starting point is 01:02:08 I have some phone numbers for you. I have a lot of guys like that. Yeah, there's a lot of guys who are just like, come on dude, really are you taking that long? I'm going. That's terrible. Yeah, those are terrible batches. You know what?

Starting point is 01:02:16 You don't want to grow out. You should make sure that she comes first, I think. She comes first. Oh yeah, that's the best way to solve this entire issue. Make sure that she is an orgasm. Use a sex toy. Yeah. Whatever it is.

Starting point is 01:02:26 How does she masturbate? Tell her you want to tell you, you know what I always tell couples? Start by a mutual masturbation. See what she does and she can see what you do to turn yourself on and then you can use those, that information that you gathered and together. Because I totally get being bored after you're done.

Starting point is 01:02:39 Like, I totally get that. So the obvious solution to this is like, don't finish before she does. Exactly. Yeah does Exactly. Right, exactly. And women can have multiple orgasms. So just because she's an orgasm first and then you have sex, she can have sex, she can have an orgasm again while you're having sex.

Starting point is 01:02:52 Also when she's naked, guys should speak up. A lot of women are insecure about their bodies as our men. So, you know, tell her what beautiful things you think she is. Tell her what amazing she feels. Tell her everything. Make her feel good. Women like to compliments. Make them feel more confident in bed and

Starting point is 01:03:06 She'll get there. I like it. I also like that you said it's the rubik's cube of life because Ironically guys who are really good at rubik's cubes are probably really shitty and giving females It's so true. You're right. I'm just saying that like every vagina is different and they're difficult and you can't figure it out because you're with one woman And she wanted this and the other woman wants you to you know slap her. So women like it really soft, some women like it hard. I just came with the first memory in my head. If you guys want to learn more from the art of charm about dating, relationships, and even

Starting point is 01:03:40 networking for business, visit us at theartofcharmpodcast.com or check us out on iTunes and follow me on Twitter at theartofcharm. And check out the status of the M.A. podcast at sexofmley.com and iTunes if you want to have the best sexier life that is, also follow me on Twitter at sexwithmley. Buying a car can be such a stressful experience, but true car is changing car buying forever. True car actually helps car buyers get rid of the fear that they might overpay, and that fear is the worst. Last month, over 45,000 cars were sold by the TrueCar certified dealer network, and TrueCar.com

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Sex With Emily - Emily in Swingland

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