Sex With Emily - Emily's Life in the Single Lane and Your Calls

Episode Date: December 17, 2016

On today’s show, Emily is back on the hotline, taking your calls and answering your biggest sex questions. Are you worried that your carefree casual sex lifestyle will make it harder to find love down the road? Looking for tips to provide feedback for an insecure partner? And how do you know when it’s time to call it quits on a toxic relationship? Fear not, Emily addresses all these issues with live callers, opens up about developments in her own personal love life, and even shares a few lessons she’s learned along the way. You won’t want to miss this advice-packed podcast! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Today I'm back on the Sex with Emily Hotline. I've taken your calls and answering your questions. Have you been putting relationships on the back burner, feeling confused about a long time fetish? What are you doing? How to best let your partner know they're doing a good job in the bedroom.

Plus, advice for listener caught in a toxic relationship. Should you stay or should you go? All they said more. Thanks for listening. It's hard to believe, but holiday shopping time is here again. I know it's so stressful trying to find the perfect gifts for everyone you love. Just thinking about it makes me anxious. But let me let you in a little secret. You know who should be at the top of your list? You. And nothing says I love me more than gifting yourself

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of being completely cordless. The full-size design makes it incredibly comfortable to use and offers four intensity levels and four great vibration patterns. So put the Magic One rechargeable at the top of your self-love shopping list and maybe get one for your BFF lawyer in the giving mood. To order yours today visit MagicOneDoriginal.com or click the Magic One banner on my site. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on days.

Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can do so many things there. We make it so easy for you now.

You can just go to sexwithemily.com and subscribe to the newsletter, social media, most importantly, subscribe to the podcast. That makes us so happy. Makes our life easier. Helps keep the show free. We love that. And also, while you're at sex with Emily, you know we do update the show every day.

Update the content. We've got new posts, new blogs, everything there to help you have better sex and relationships. Because, you know, that's why help you have better sex and relationships. Because, you know, that's why you're listening to the show, right? And again, about the social media thing, we like that too. I love hearing from you and I love when you follow us,

because then I can easily respond to you. It's Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, all of his of at sex with Emily. What I remember that was like, I like reading your comments. Like it makes me happy like on an Instagram and you're like, hey, Emily, like the show or I listened. I love getting your feedback that way as well. And I'm responding to you there. So that's what I meant by all that.

Okay, so this is a little bit of a new format. I figured this is actually my 11th anniversary of the show is like today or something because I realize, you you know Facebook has that on this day thing Which I actually love because they're like on this day like seven years ago and you're like wow That's been seven years or one year so on this day 11 year a year ago I celebrated my 10 year anniversary of sex family at the Hollywood improv. And so that would make this my 11th anniversary. So wow, thanks everyone for,

on Facebook remind me that, so thank you Facebook. And thanks to everybody for just supporting the show. I'm so glad that I keep doing this and keep the lights on, pay the rent. It's awesome. So this is kind of a new format. I think we did it like once before, but what I'm doing now is I am taking your calls. So you know, you always email me, I love it. Love getting your questions.

You can easily send me your questions on the website now. You just go to the Ask Emily tab and then you can send it directly to the website. But now there's a way that you can say they're, yes, I I'd love to be called. So what you do is you check that box if you're interested in being called and then Eddie, my awesome assistant producer, we'll set up a time and we'll call you. So that's what we're doing on today's show. The other different thing is I don't have a cause. So typically I have someone here that I'm going, hey, menace Anderson, everyone, Madison, what's up? So I'm just talking to you. So that's what we're doing.

And I'm excited about this, but it's new. So hang with me here. Okay, so what I wanted to do is before we get into the calls, I wanted to give you all little update on my personal life. And some stuff, we're coming to the end of the year and I've been doing a lot of reflections. It's been a really interesting year for me because I've taken my own advice.

Oftentimes they say that you teach what you need to learn. And I think that's true in a lot of ways, especially for what I do. I think for every career, but for now I've really been able to see this in my own life because I've known for a long time and I've talked to you about this, that when you get out of a relationship, it's really important to take time for yourself and to not jump back into another relationship and figure out like, what did I learn in that relationship? Like, what was useful? What do I want in the next relationship

if I want one at all? And just like, it's so easy. Okay, so what I've done in the past, so where I wasn't following my advice, is I think I've always just gone from one relationship to the next. Granted, there's been some periods in between where I've taken like a month here a few weeks there,

but like there always just seemed to be someone else there, kind of, yeah, I'll date him, some kind of lurking, or someone new that I meet, because it's really, being alone is just a really interesting thing. It's like you really get to learn a lot about yourself and go through those, you know, you learn those really hard lessons.

And I think I don't, I don't think I went as deep and took as much time. And so I took a break from dating. I ended a relationship in like February. So now it's November or December, Jesus. So how many months is that? Like 10 months. And I took the reset.

I like took a reset in my life, in my relationships. I'm always telling you to do. And it did a lot for me psychologically. Because I realized I was not distracted by the hunt. I wasn't distracted by the newness and the excitement of a new relationship. And I just really got time to focus on work, focus on my relationships with my friends

and really think about what I want in a new relationship, if I do want a new relationship. And it was hard too, because I realize that part of your life when you're in a relationship it's like, it fulfills you in so many ways. So I think always being in a relationship, I've always got like a guy there that's just kind of like, hey, come over and watch Netflix, you know, let's hang out. It's just, it's sort of like when you look at the wheel of life,

there's like those eight sections this Asia focus on like health, spirituality, business, friends, romance, I don't know, did I say eight, nutrition, whatever, there's like this, the wheel did I say eight, nutrition, whatever. There's like this, the wheel. I've always talked about the wheel. Well, you take out a whole chunk of it, which is like romance.

You realize that your brain is kind of still circling, like, oh, I should be picking up the phone now and texting with a guy, or I should be, you know, with a woman, if you're a dating woman, I should be distracting myself with this. Well, I didn't have that space to fill. And so it was interesting noticing like how much time in the past I might have spent, you know, looking for a guy or looking for that validation or having someone hang out with.

So I definitely noticed the absence of that. And I did feel a little bit like lonely at times. And I don't think I've ever felt truly lonely, because yes, I have friends and I have a life. But when you don't have that space filled, it's just, you know, I think I went to some places that I'd never been before. You know, it was interesting. So when I said that I felt lonely,

I have like a family friend say to me a few years ago, many years ago, probably like in my, I don't know, my 20s, he said to me, you know, it's really important to feel lonely, like you've never been lonely, and I had that was to form a concept, but I always kept it's really important to feel lonely. Like, you've never been lonely. And I had that with a foreign concept, but I always kept it in the back of my head. I'm like, why would I want to be lonely? And I thought, God, it really was good for me to like spend that time getting to like,

know myself and think, I actually do want a relationship now. And then think about what I would want the constructs of that relationship to be. Because in the past, I felt like guys just kind of fell in my lap, where I would just meet someone and they weren't necessarily right for me and it filled the space. And so going through the time of thinking like, oh, I'm actually would like to have filled my space with like a man in this way or even friends, because I also went through that period of like isolating, not really wanting to see anybody and not because I was necessarily depressed,

but like I was kind of figuring out my like nesting and doing things around my house and just things I would have done in the past. So um, for me it's been like eight months and now oh my god that I'm going to fill you in on the next show about my crazy dating I've been doing now and all these apps because now I'm diving into it. I think I've started to tell you a little bit, but um, I just wanted to share with you that that that if you are going through that period, this time is precious. Like, it's a good time to look back at what you learned from your past relationship.

Once you get over the anger or hurt or however it ended, I think a lot of us spend time blaming our partners and we don't look at, like, oh, he was a jerk or she was a total bitch and we get angry. But then like, you know, it takes two to take over. There's two people in a relationship. And we bring ourselves to every relationship. So I kind of looked like, what was I doing in that relationship?

And what was I not asking for? And what do I want? And I don't, for you, you might say, how long will it take? I can't tell you that. For me, eight months for you, it might be two weeks, might be two years. Don't put pressure on yourself around this. Like really take the time to do that work and think about like, again, what was your part in it,

what might you want going forward? It doesn't mean the next person's gonna be perfect either. But a lot of you email me about patterns, you're like, ah, I keep dating the bad boy or I keep dating women who aren't into me or whatever it is. And the only way to stop yourself going into those patterns and repeating it is just to get and to take that time and say like, I'm going to like, instead of going left here,

this is comfortable. I'm going to like, swear right. I'm not going to go keep going in the direction that feels right, that feels comfortable. But I'm actually going to start looking for something different here. So this is how you like break patterns. And remember, some of the hardest work and and the hardest growth we do is in a relationship, but also out of a relationship. And you can learn a lot from past relationships and how to do it right if you take the time.

And it's okay to be sad, it's okay to go on a dating detox. And we're going to go through this euphoric recall. I did that. I was like, oh my god, did I make a mistake? He was so great. Truly, I don't know why that is when you get out of a relationship with somebody, all you can remember is good things. So what I do, and what I always advise people to do, my friend is going through this right

now. I said, right down, right down the thing is about him that you get to do a pro and con. You won't remember that he forgot your birthday or that he said he was get to do a pro and con. You won't remember that like he forgot your birthday or that he said he was gonna do something and fix this thing in your house they didn't do or he was going to take you on a vacation. You don't remember those things, you're just like he was so good and bad.

I loved watching the affair with him. You guys watching the affair, it's an amazing television show. I'm obsessed with it. So now like I wanna watch season two and I'm not dating anymore, but like that's okay. Like I'm gonna watch it. So now I want to watch season two, and I'm not dating anymore, but that's okay. I'm gonna watch it by myself. And so just try not to go down to path of self-destruction.

I didn't do that. I know you just maybe just go sleeping with everybody. You might do it for a while. Drink a lot, party a lot. Maybe I was a little bit. I wouldn't sleep around a lot, but I was not necessarily sleeping as much as I should and all that.

So just know like it's tempted to fall in those behaviors and just like do it in moderation. Try to make healthy choices. Like I've definitely been back into yoga. I've been meditating every day. You might want to be like bashing your acts or saying bad things about it, but doing all this revengeful stuff

in Stockholm and Instagram. I didn't say anything bad. I did check his Instagram. I did go on Facebook. I remember producer Madison was like, picked up my phone once, he's like, oh, look who you're looking at. I didn't say, you know, like I went through all that,

but I'm just saying that it's just been an interesting time that I did this and I'm gonna be sharing with you more about it, but just remember, going through breakup, there is no stilt comment also from the scarcity mentality. Like you're going to be running out of time and there's going to be no one else out there because you're going to be a better person, a better you, a better person to date when you truly go inward and look at yourself and look at what you want. So that's what I wanted to share with all of you

about where I'm at right now. And that leads me to the sex of the news. Because I think this is apropos, I was going to do another sex of the news today. But this one seemed very relevant. Because not only because my mother emailed it to me, and our long-time listener, Greg, who emails me every sex of the news story, but also, it struck a chord with me. So, everyone, hold on to your seats here. Shaving pubic hair is related to STIs, a study says.

So, you may want to keep some grass on the field. If you like things down below, it's smooth as the baby's bottom, you might want everything, things. So, there was a study done that you see San Francisco, University of California San Francisco, and it reports to people who regularly groom their pubic hair are 75% more likely developed with STI than non-groomers.

So the survey says that on surveys says, and the Journal of Sexually Transpited Infections asked people age 18 to 65 about their grooming habits. And it said that the active shaving creates epidermal micro-terror that might allow transmission of bacteria or viruses like HPV. So yeah, it kinda sucks. But also, as you might be thinking as well,

people who are grooming are probably having more sex. So those who will might also be more likely to get an SDI. So, but this is not bad news for committed groomers because according to the study of removing pubic care, it does eliminate certain, other sexually transmitted problems like LICE. So, there you go. You're not gonna get LICE, you may get an SDI.

So, as always, just use condoms. All right, let's take a quick break. We'll give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you so much for supporting our sponsors. They help keep the show free, and you know I never ever talk about a product that I haven't tried, and that I don't love. And then we'll come back.

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that? Both models will be available in October at your favorite adult retailers but you can pre-order yours today. Just look for the UV banner on my website or visit uvclean.com. That's uvclean.com. Alright, now we're going to take your calls. We're actually taking your calls. You are, you emailed me, you said you wanted to be called, and now we're calling you. I'm so excited. So that's the best way to do it. Go to section of the M.E.com, click on ask Emily. Of course, you can just submit a question there and I will also be answering your emails on the show. That's never going away. You can also leave me a voicemail, 818, ask SWE1. That's 818-275-7931. And as always, I love when you include information that helps me. That's your age where you live and how you listen to the show.

include information that helps me, that's your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. All right, we got our first caller. We have Grace. She's 23 from Texas. And she's never had a serious relationship, wondering if her casual sex lifestyle and lack of relationship now will make it harder for her to find someone in the future. Let's talk to Grace.

BEEP. Hey Grace, it's Emily. Thanks for in the future. Let's talk to Grace. BEEP. Hey Grace, it's Emily. Thanks for calling the show. Hi. Hi. So I got a little bit information here about Tommy, what's going on though? So I'm a full time student and I work full time.

So I really don't have time for a relationship or anything. But I definitely sleep around. I'm not going to give up my sex forever. I'm just worried like I don't want that to affect me later on in life when I do try to find a long term committed relationship. How do you think it could affect you? I don't know. Like would they be okay with it or you know would they want me? They're like, oh, you know, everyone's out there. So, oh, God.

Okay. Good grace, grace. I'm so, this is such a good conversation. Okay. First of all, why do they even have to know who you've slept with and what you've done? To me, that is a conversation that never needs to happen in any relationship. Unless you even SD, but even then, they don't need to know who you had it from or how and he will you slept with. So this conversation of how many of you slept with or let me know about your partners, they will ask you, you don't have to tell them. In fact, I think

you're doing absolutely the right thing right now, Grace, because in your 20s, this is the time that you're supposed to be having casual sex, figuring out your body, what kind of guys you want to date, who you're into. But I also understand societal norms tell you that they're honest. I'm going to have to tell them my numbers. I've slept with 16 people. So is that kind of what you're worried about? Yeah, exactly. And I sleep with guys all the time that I'm like, man, I could really find myself settling down with them. But I've already gave up the good. So what's the point now, you know, so what do you mean? So right now you're dating guys and then you're like on date

three, you're like, he won't settle or the first date. Tell me how it's got, how you made it in these guys? So like, well, you know, right now I'm sleeping with someone that I've actually known some high school and we just kind of hooked up and I thought that you know it was gonna go somewhere, I thought we were gonna be serious or whatever and we slept together and then it's just like heard nothing that's like radio silence, it's just like nothing there and I'm like oh okay. That happened, now that happens for so many different reasons that you don't like okay so as women and I think guys do it for different reasons we're like oh my god I was bad and bad or you think I'm a slut or he just

wanted to sleep with me. And now you moved on. We, or you know, we could spend a million different ways obsessing about it. But you know what? Forget him. Move on. He's gone. That's fine.

I'm glad he, you know, he didn't call it. It doesn't even matter why it probably I'm sure it is nothing to do with you. So that's good. You found out right away. You don't have to get into relationship with this guy. So now, now how would would the other guys are dating? Um, I have, I don't know. I don't know.

It's a dating though, like, because I mean, it's not really dating. We're just casual sex and I like that's it. And we just kind of lay the line like, hey, we're just sleeping together and that's it. So you have a rotation. Yeah. Okay. Good. I mean, okay. So here's my thing, Grace, is that, is that I think that this is a great time for you to practice, like dating, seeing who you're into. I was just talking about this about how I've taken time to, I wish I took more time.

I always, I was like a serial monogamous growing up and I was always dating one out in my 20s. I dated like two years, two years, years, and I didn I didn't take a lot of time to like figure it out. And so I think it's great that you're like casually dating. Probably like this is also a great time to figure out sexually, like how's the sex with the casual, you know, how's your casual sex life? It's great. Because if I don't like it,

then I'm just on to the next one, you know? Yeah, exactly. And another great thing about this casual sex is that like, it's a great time to practice communicating about what you like in bed and what you don't like about, especially if you're not invested in them. You can be like, you know what? A little to the left there. I'm getting on top of you right now.

Or wait, don't get back up. Keep going down on me. I didn't have my orgasm in it. You know what I'm saying? Because like learning how to communicate about sex is like a really challenge if you listen to the show, not always the easiest skill for people to learn. Yes. So these guys could be like your litmus test. You know, you can be your practice. But see, I think I just

needed someone to tell me like, Hey, you're fine. You're good. Oh, Grace, you are so good, you actually more than fine. I am so glad you're doing this. And just remember that if anyone asks you, how many of you slept with? You can say, you know what? I'm just really focused on the sex we're having right now, which is awesome.

And let's just keep doing us. You know, like, you never need to reveal that information. So you're doing great. Have fun. Thank you, Grace. So good to hear from you. Thanks for calling in. Okay, so next you have Deeramy.

He's 27, calling Phil Duffia, and he has a very specific wrestling fantasy concerned about its meeting. Hey, Deeramy. Hi, everyone. How are you? I'm good. So good to talk to you.

Blake, talk to you, Franny. Big fan. Yeah, are you? I'm good. So good to talk to you. We can talk to you, Fahlin. Big fan. Yeah, thank you. So, Deary, we talked to you at this wrestling fantasy. Tell me what's up. Well, I'm 27. I guess I've had it since about middle school. And to be honest, every fantasy I had, you know, growing up, middle school, high school, even in college,

I wouldn't think about what, like, sex, my fantasies would just be play wrestling and me lifting them and carrying them. To the point that even a girlfriend in college, we didn't really have sex. We just did the play wrestled, and that was sexually satisfying for me. And as I've gotten older and do have sexual experience now, I still a lot of the experience still comes around wrestling and play wrestling and me lifting them up and still my fantasies may end with sex but they are based around play wrestling and lifting carry. And I used to be embarrassed by it. I'm not embarrassed anymore, but still kind of feel alone. And I know there's a community out there,

but I don't really hear a lot about it. So, you'll know that strange or? No, it's not, no, I'm not gonna tell you it's strange at all. I'm not gonna, I just wanna understand a little bit more about this. So, is it like, okay, so whenever you like, have a fantasy, like let's say you're masturbating or just thinking about sex, are you like in your brain thinking about your with a woman and your wrestling

hurt or the ground? And then you, yes. Okay. Not like a serious, not like intense, like, serious wrestling, but play wrestling. And I do something, I guess, for the past four and a half years, like, I meet with session wrestlers when they come into Philly and I've paid to have wrestling sessions with them women Yes, okay, so you paid at wrestling sessions. Do they do they end in sex? Only once this and that was that was spontaneous happens only once this has and that was that was spontaneous. Okay, yeah happens.

Only one time. Nothing wrong with that. Okay. So, um, has this become so okay, so it's you're saying so even when you're just, your fantasize, it's just, it's always like break down the fantasy for me. What happens?

Well, sometimes it's, you know, girls who I, you know, from the past, who I have had sex with or girls like no. And it's just, um, intimate, we might either be, you know, hanging out watching Netflix or in the bedroom. It is us play wrestling and me lifting them up and doing different lifts and putting them down gently, of course, nothing, you know, her putting them down and just getting in different holds. And now, as I've had sexual experience,

it may end in sex or blowjob or going down. You know, but it still revolves around that. And if I masturbate, it revolves around me watching a wrestling video on YouTube or on porn hub. And that'd even like, not even like a porn wrestling. What about, yeah, what about a porn? Is there like a brawn porn hub. And that even like, not even like a porn wrestling. What about, yeah, what about a porn? Is there a genre of porn? There are, there are those.

There are like, I guess they're called sex fights, like mixed wrestling, sex fights where, you know, the woman's down and she may get the guy in certain holes and... Oh, yeah, then King.com, they have this. That's true. I'll see this. Right, she can jerk the guy off. So I will watch those sometimes, but a lot of times it's no... But it's full on, okay,'s not calm. They have this. That's true. I'll see this. Right. She can jerk the guy off. I will watch those sometimes. Well, I'll times it's full on. Okay. I got it. Okay. So so Derby,

are you, what about with these women? Are you, um, like, is there four player you like making out doing normal, like the normal thing? And then all of a sudden, you kind of break into wrestling and they're cool with that? Or is this with women like pay that you're dating? Like, we ought to date or if you dating and have you had a girlfriend? Not in a long time. But these women who I guess I've hooked up with, one, she did ask me about it, like, she asked me like a crazy sexual experience and I didn't really have any, so I told her about this and that turned her on and we were at a bar by her house

and she said, well, I wanna try it. And we tried it, which was cool and then it led to sex. Others, they don't know about it, but I guess it's just that flirtatious, you know, you play wrestling back and forth and it just leads to it, you know. Okay, so what you're saying is, as long, even if it's just a few minutes

of like rolling around on the ground, then can you get into like regular foreplay, like do you go down in them, they give you're saying is, even if it's just a few minutes of rolling around on the ground, then can you get into regular foreplay? Do you go down in them? They give you a blowjob? You have regular intercourse? Does that happen? Yes. It has happened, but I'm also, which I guess, sometimes certain friends we look at me.

I'm satisfied. If it didn't happen, if it stops right there, I feel satisfied. But with girls who we have that relationship of friends with benefits, it will lead to that. But I've had it, you know, in high school college where we just play rostle and, you know, I'm sorry. When you say you're satisfied, right?

But are you satisfied like you're having an orgasm? Yeah, I guess it's a little bit of, I know I'm reflecting, yeah, I've come a little bit and that's a little, but I just feel like, like a surged testosterone, I feel like good. Like, I'm not fit in there like with blue balls, like, oh man, I'm fine. I'm wondering, okay, so when did you start wrestling? How will do you? Wrestling sessions, I was 23.

That's when you first started wrestling like before that you didn't have the fantasies. I had this, oh, my first fantasies, I was 11. So, sorry, so during very formative years as a young boy, you started wrestling, that was like your life, right? That was your everything. It sounds like. Yes, yes, as far as the fantasies, yes.

Okay. But even like you were really into, like, wrestling was kind of your, I mean, it sounds like you still are involved. I'm just wondering if there was something kind of connection that you made because a lot of times fetishes are connected to things that happened in early childhood that, you know, turn us on. Like a guy who was like a foot fetish, like his teacher in school might have had like really a sexy feet or something,

or he might only be able to be with women with red hair because he had a crush on his neighborhood red hair. So I'm wondering if something happened with you like some wire, you know, something happened at this age that you got stuck on wrestling as being the only, you know, way to like, or maybe it seems some kind of like the purest form of it, or if there's

something with intimacy that it's like there's something holding you back around intimacy with sex that it sort of seems more playful just to wrestle, literally wrestle with the ground and I actually have the sex. You know what I'm saying? Like if it feels safer to you, but sex is actually kind of scary to you, so you're using the wrestling and the playfulness as kind of a way to connect with women, but you're not actually having to be truly intimate. That's a great point, because I do feel,

I have a fear of like getting the signals wrong, and you think like, oh, girl wants to do something and you go, wait a minute, go, no, no, you get it wrong. So I think with play wrestling, it's safe. And then you're still feeling that touch of a woman, but no one's feeling offended or you're not pushing the boundaries too much. And if it happens, okay. Okay. Well, do you hear me? Let me tell you this. I'm so glad. Listen, you're like most, okay.

So you're like every man on the planet, but you've just found a coping mechanism that's kind of a little different, okay? So what you haven't done yet is you haven't gone to that period of like, oh, I might mess up I'm not gonna do the wrestling thing. I'm not gonna try to kiss her. She might reject me Or I might try to like do something that isn't totally right and buy the book and and you're gonna put yourself out there And you're gonna live with that terrible fear and anxiety that she might reject you and something bad might happen. And try that because that's I think that you've again uses as a coping mesmer but haven't had to it's kind of maybe in a way stunted your ability to connect with women because you're because of the wrestling

because of like that's like a safe way to go about it. Okay. So like do you think I should when it comes to either being with a woman or fantasies trying to put that away? No, I do not. I'm not going to tell you to stop. I don't think that you're unhealthy. I don't think that wrestling is bad. I think you can fantasize about it. Again, I'm telling you, like, this is, I love that you're calling me and that you're really honest and open about it. But I think what I'm hearing is that you'd probably like to have a relationship, just try it out with a woman that goes a little bit deeper

where you're actually having sex in a way that's more expansive, where maybe you're understanding her body, she's understanding your body beyond the wrestling. And so maybe like, I'm okay with you, but maybe you could mix in something else. Like maybe next time you go to master rate half and you master rate. Um, daily. Okay, cool.

So the good news is maybe next time you master, you're like, you know what, this one today I'm going to try to like watch some other kind of porn or I'm going to start with wrestling, but I'm going to move to something else and just try to start to mix in some other, you know, some other fantasies in your mind. Like I don't think that you have to tell you to stop is like ridiculous because you're not going to stop after all this time. And there's nothing wrong. And then also when you're with a woman, it's kind of like the next time do you have any date set up or anyone, friends with benefits coming around this week.

I think I might have something brewing, I'm not sure yet, but I think that's also why I'm a little nervous about it. Right, right. And there's nothing wrong. I think it's hot dating guy. He picks me up, he twirls me around. I think that's really sexy, but it's kind of like getting to the point of you not relying on that as your fallback go to move, but kind of developing some of these other skills. I'm like, am I be wrong?

I'm going to kiss her and see what happens and just kind of really paying attention. Nothing you do is like you're really in your head with this wrestling thing is that just go back to the moment. Like when you're present with her, whoever it is and you're looking in her eyes and you're paying attention to her feedback and is she breathing? Is she is she looking at you like with those eyes that she wants you? Is she touching you? You're all the information you need is right there in the moment.

Sometimes you might read it wrong and she might read it wrong, but that's how we learn. You're not a bad guy. You're doing anything wrong, but I think that you'll feel good if you start to just have a range here. And you'll start to feel healthier about your relationships. So I just feel, you know, whether it's a friend with Benford or I'm dating, you know, I think I feel like occasionally to do that. Okay, but I don't think every time even that partner like they would want to do that. Exactly. That's a thing. We never want anything all the time. Like exactly because then it gets boring.

It's like if we had pizza every night for dinner, right? You get sacks is about mixing it up. So that's why I think you need some other tools in your toolbox. You might find someone who always wants that, but it's just again, for your own satisfaction and for the person you're with, maybe let them even take the lead or something when you start making out with them and see where it goes. But just like just experiment with this and don't be hard on yourself if you try

and fall back on the wrestling. Like just remember that you're not gonna be able to change this with maybe like one or two times with someone, but just be thinking about other things. And if you've been listening to the show, we give out tips all the time, or the website start reading. Education is, and practice is how you're going to get the knowledge

and how you're going to start feeling better about it. So how you have the experience and start feeling more confident. So just start arming yourself for some of you by listening to podcasts, reading, having another thing in your toolkit. And you'll be fine. Okay, keep us posted. Oh, I thank you so much.

Okay, sure, good luck, Jeremy. Thanks. Okay, our next caller is Stephanie, 26th from California. And she wants to know how to give a partner more positive feedback. So the best way to communicate to her partner that she's enjoying what he's doing in bed, because he doesn't seem to have a clue about it.

Hey Stephanie. Hi. Hi. You're on one of our first calls shows. So thank you for participating. So fun. Oh awesome, I'm so excited to have you decided to have me. Yes, I'm so glad to see you. Stephanie, tell me a little bit what's going on. I fun. Oh, awesome. I'm so excited to have me. Yes, I'm so glad to see you.

Tell me a little bit what's going on. I know you're on email. I didn't see the entire email. I really want to get the story from you. So tell me what's going on. So basically, I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. We've been living together for about a year and a half. And we have a pretty regular sex life.

It's always been pretty healthy. I feel like three to four and a half. And we have a pretty regular sex life. It's always been pretty healthy. I feel like like three to four times a week. I never ever have had this issue until recently. We were just kind of talking about the night before and I was like, you know, babe, that was really hot. I was like, super turned on. Well, I wouldn't have known. And just literally came out super blunt like that. And I was like, Oh, what do you mean? I was like, what are you talking about? It was like super sexy and whatever.

And he just like, I feel like sometimes I never know because you don't really tell me. And it's always been kind of like a joke because of how loud and vocal I am during sex. And not that he's ever had a problem with it, but it's just been like the running joke kind of between us over the year. Anyway, I just didn't really understand where that was coming from from him. And then I felt, I mean, kind of stupid,

because I'm like, oh, am I doing something he doesn't like what I'm doing when I'm getting turned on with the noises I make or the things that I say. And I also don't want him to feel like he isn't pleasing me because that's not the case at all. So I just don't really know how to get that across to him without making it weird and trying to impact him or anything. Okay, so this is a good question. So right now you actually are vocal and you're making a lot of noises. And when you're vocal, you're just like moaning like, oh baby, are you saying like? I'm like moaning. Yeah, and I'm like saying things like,

oh, I love it when your dick is hard and wet. Oh my God, or he'll talk to me too. He talks to you, he likes it. Okay. I mean, and then even like not every single time, but I often do tell him that I'm about to come. So that also was weird. I don't know if maybe he is expecting more of like

some like theatrical thing when I am. I have no idea. So what you're about to come, is it quieter then? Like you don't make as much noise or? No, no, I feel like, well, I feel like I'm louder. Like I like really like it's a little bit loose. I have nothing to back about. And I want him to know that he's making me feel amazing.

Right. But he seems to sometimes we are a little more quieter when it's more on the making love side, not like we're just like fucking hardcore. Right. Right. So I don't know. OK, so is there, do you think, do you

know anything about his past relationships? A little bit, yes, I do. Did he ever have something when she'd on him, leave him, something bad, and have he? Oh, yes. Yes. He has been cheated on his recent relationship before me with only about, well, it's long, a year and a half.

And she had cheated on him. And then he also, this was obviously a long time ago, but in high school, a girlfriend cheated on him as well, with one of his best friends. Okay. So, and has he ever shown me jealousy with you? Has he ever shown anything come up with you? Like, go, you're flirting with the guy at work

or anything come up with that with you guys? Yeah, kind of, like, because I work with a lot of guys in like an office setting and I have to kind of dress professional and he's like, well, I'm sure the guys love that skirt today or we'll see something like that kind of dress professional and he's like, well, I'm sure the guys love that skirt today or will something right. Kind of some time. Okay. Mm-hmm.

So it sounds like there's a lot of things going. So what I'm hearing here is that it's, I don't know. I don't think it's that you're not saying anything. I think he's got some deep rooted insecurities that you probably can't win right now. Okay. We're doing what you're doing. Okay.

Because because to me, I'm like, wow, you're telling about to come, you're moaning, you're into sex, you're not pushing him away. I really am. I know. It sounds like it. I mean, I don't have any issues talking about it. So, yeah.

So I think you got to say to a baby the other night, it was interesting. I've been thinking a lot about it. What you said to me, tell me what you think of this stuff and if you think this might work and say, yeah, but thinking a lot about it. And like, I really thought that I was bite, bite, moaning and telling you, you know, but we've been together now for three years. So I'm curious, like what, I just want to know,

like, what would that look like to you if you had the right information? Like tell me what kind of things do happen to know? Like what I'm not telling you or what make you feel like you are doing a good job. Like did you ask them that already? No, I have not, but I will. Like, cause I think not telling you, what make you feel like you are doing a good job? Like did you ask them that already? No, I have not. But I will.

Like because I think you're like, babe, I really, because God, it may be so one because all I think about is God, even when I masturbate, I masturbate to you. You know what I mean? Like play Vaziga like you're the only one I want. Yeah. And it's the best sex I've ever had. And I let you know, so I'm just actually kind of confused because gosh, I never want you for a minute to go to bed thinking that you did not please me and rock my world.

So, do you happen to know, maybe who knows? Maybe he's watching some kind of porn or in the past, something happened. So, you're not a mind reader. And so I think you just kind of have a conversation with him and say, baby, what else can I do here? Like, what would be hot for you? Because God, I'd love to.

Because maybe also it's been three years. And so maybe you're always saying, babe, you're dick so hard, and I'm going to come. And maybe it's just variety. Like I always say, like, maybe he needs to hear something new and different, and maybe you do too. So you guys watch some porn together. You listen to my show or, yeah, you know what I'm saying?

So I just think you've got to mix it up. I don't think this is really a problem. I think it's a communication thing, and just get some more information. OK. Yeah. And I think again, it's insecurity coming up. It's nothing that you're doing. I kind of, yeah, I did kind of think of that too, but I would never want to just throw that out. Do not throw that out. No, I wouldn't, don't just say I love you so much. I want to make

this work. Let me know what you need. Don't bring up the past. This is just between you and I. Yeah. He doesn't need to know that. No. Okay. Okay. Okay. know what you need. Don't bring up the past. This is just between you and I. Yeah, he doesn't need to know that. No. Okay. Okay. Cool. Okay. All right, Stephanie. Thank you. Let's keep us posted. For talking to me. Of course. Okay. I think this is going to turn it around. Okay. Bye, Stephanie. Thanks. All right. Bye. Bye. It's so hard. So confusing. I see to me, though, this is the case of a super healthy situation. He was able to articulate what he wasn't getting.

She appropriately got like concerned about it. And then she calls in and now she's gonna go back and address it. Do you know how many couples have something like this happen? And then, you know, what Stephanie could have done is that, oh my God, you know, I don't please them. Well, effort, I doing the way I want to do it. He never's happy with me and she could have let it spin

into this whole other thing. But I think this is a super healthy situation. Like, you know what, we all tend to be a lot of times when we misread what our partner wants and needs and she's gonna go back and address it. I like this. Tell it to me. All right, our next color is James,

29 from Michigan. And he wants to know if he should leave his wife who's constantly threatening to leave him James from my home state what's going on? Thanks for calling Hi, don't much that figured you know, I figured that I would Put the question out there and kind of see what's going on I've offered to go to like couples counseling with her and let's know ghost doesn't want to do that either. Okay, that's tough.

So back up. So I need some back right here because I actually don't know the whole story. So Tommy, what's going on? How long have you been together? Why is she threatening to leave you? I need some history. So we've been together for 10 years now. Okay.

And this has, we have an eight year old son in this past summer We were separated okay, and so we were separated for the entire summer I went and got a place on the lake and she stayed in the house You know she went on a few dates and stuff and the reason that we had separated Well, you know because I had Cheated twice in the past. Okay, she found out She found out you cheated Obviously, yeah, okay. Yeah, and it was many years ago and I mean, I guess it just built up so you know, we separated

Well, how many years ago you been together 10 years? How many years ago did you cheat? That's okay, that's not that many years ago. It wasn't like eight years. Okay got it. And when did she find out? She's two years ago. Right around the time.

No, right around the time that I was doing. That I was doing. Gotcha. Okay. So she stayed with me. Right. You know, and, um, okay. And it was kind of, the trust was pretty much gone. Of course. And I had this. And so over this summer she went on dates and stuff like that. And, you know, which was fine. And,

you know, I kind of don't deeper into my motorcycle club. And that's not something that, you know, I kind of don't deeper into my motorcycle club. And that's not something that you know, she really likes, but I mean, that's what it is. But now that, you know, we got back in August, and it doesn't matter, it's anything I do, anything I say. And I mean, I am an amazing guy to her now. You know, I go above and beyond every single day. Doesn't even matter if she's mad at me. Every single day I'll still, because she's a nurse, and I send her a text, they say,

you know, good morning, beautiful, how are you. I hope your day's going good. I send her flowers to her work maybe once a month or something like that. I mean, when she gets dressed, they say, wow, you look amazing. It's just, I'm always going. No, you're great. I get it. You're, you're, you're, they say, wow, you look amazing. It's just I'm always going. No, you're great. I get it.

You're okay. So why did you cheat? And why did I? Yeah. You know, that's, I think it was to more of an insecurity thing, I think, to be honest with you, with myself, not with her. Right. You've been in validation.

I mean, not with her. Right, give me validation. Well, yeah, and I mean, she's great. And every aspect she can cook, she can clean, she has an amazing career, everything. Cooking clean, God, I can't even do that. Okay, well here's the thing. So James, do you love her right now? Like, how are you feeling right now?

Because you're thinking that you might want to, like, are you still in love with her? Do you want to make this work? Truly. Well, that's my thing. I mean, I truly love her with all of my heart, still love a third do you want to make this work? Truly. Well, that's my thing. I truly love her with all of my heart, but it's just now. There's just so many threats constantly.

I don't want to be with you. I had more fun over the summer when I was single. Any little slip up I could do. It doesn't even matter. I'm a very clean person. But if I say I came home from the gym and I was going to get in the shower and I left my clothes in the, in the bathroom, it's like, she flips out. Okay.

So here's what's going on, James. Okay. I don't know if you want to be with her. She wants to be with you, but you have broken trust and its couples cannot heal trust, rebuild trust on their own without therapy. You just can't. It's like saying, you know, you've got some kind of head injury, you're just going to do surgery yourself at home. Like it's the same kind of thing.

It doesn't just rebuild itself. It sounds like you guys have probably been pushing under the rug because she doesn't want to talk about it or you don't want to talk about it. But it's like, it's like untreated trauma in a way. Like it never goes away. Because once that happens in her mind, all she could think about is like, you know, you're late and you're probably met some girl,

the bar, a guy or a phone, you know what I mean? So she hasn't healed from it. I do absolutely 100% recommend that you have to get into couples therapy. And if she won't do that, and I know that God, this is like, I say mismatch people, mismatch will be those, and then couples is a big problem in relationships, then also couples will want to go to therapy and the other doesn't. But I'm telling you that it's, there's no way you guys are going to help from this, because you can't on your own. You've had the conversation, you've told her you won't cheat,

you're sending flowers. It doesn't matter. The damage is done. Trust is huge. And you need some outside help. And like you would think that, you know, like you wouldn't be, you know, like, which is just strange to me because when I talk to a couple of my friends, like, well, you know, what are you guys sleeping in the same room? You still have insects. And I mean, we have sex like every other day. Our sex life is beyond amazing. I think you know we bought out like the entire love or things or you know. Nice nice. No that's fine. That's amazing. The sex is great but your communication and her trust in you and intimacy

is shattered from that. And so she can still perform. She can tell if sex with you I'm sure she still really loves you but she's really really hurt and she's distrustful she can still have sex with you. I'm sure she still really loves you, but she's really, really hurt. And she's distrustful, so her walls have gone up. It's great you're having sex, because a lot of couples just shut down and they don't even have sex anymore. I don't even talk. So I love that you guys are still a tragedy to the other

and still having great sex. So to me, and you have a kid, and I think there's still hope here, and I'm not sure if it's like, maybe she's never gone to therapy before Religion or she's heard that it's not a good thing, but I'm telling you Or if it's money because you can always go out of sliding scale or your health insurance or cover it But this is the last resort and I'm and you guys can listen to this together

But if you don't go to therapy ASAP all these other things don't matter because the trust is broken and you can't heal that. You just can't. She's got to hear it like it takes years sometimes. She's gonna have to hear like she's angry and she probably just doesn't know how to communicate it to you. Yeah, because I mean we've you know, I'm just I'm tired of playing Hollywood after of course. Of course. Of course you would. Everywhere we go out in the few pictures of our family and if we all go out and like, oh my God, do you guys look like a model family? And it's like we're not ugly people.

And all of this is like, it's Iike. You can't stand playing Hollywood after. I can't stand like, we've gotten an argument on the way there, but then we're like, oh, hey, honey, go out and you know what I mean? Right, no, right. You're not living in your office to say anything. You've got to be different. She's saying, I swear to God, I don't want to be like, oh, hey, you don't need me. Right. No, right. You're not living in your authentic city, because...

I mean, it's probably going to be different. She's saying, I swear to God, I don't want to be with you anymore. It's done. I'd rather be single again. It's a mistake. She's got a lot of anger around us. I'm like, hi. And don't beat yourself up.

I get it. People cheat James. It wasn't the best thing to do, but you're trying to heal it, right? She's got tons of anger. And maybe she had it before. I don't know what it was like two years before the two years, but two years ago, before you cheated.

All I'm telling you is that she might be using this as a, maybe she likes it, like some people are really uncomfortable with anger, and they like to have something to be angry about, so she doesn't have to be really intimate and open and vulnerable, because vulnerability is how you guys like grow and connect and build the family on authentic level, but it sounds like right now it's not really real. You guys are

sort of living this fantasy world. Like yeah, the sex is great, but yet she's super angry. And so you guys have to untangle all of this. And if she will not go to therapy, I'm telling you like there's really no other solution here because you don't want to live this in authentic in this in an authentic place and neither does she. So again, the thing is when I ask her, I say, Hey, do you want to talk about some things? And it's literally like talking to a wall. Right. So she doesn't know how she does not know how she she's become really good. And probably James, if you look back, she might have been so great at it five years ago. Like communication about our feelings and our emotions is a learned skill.

And it's the greatest work that you can do in a relationship is learn how to be vulnerable and learn how to communicate and learn how to be open. And so she probably doesn't have a lot of experience with that. She's never done it. Who knows when her childhood was like, maybe she had to learn to be really tough and grow up, you know, really young age and bottle her feelings inside and being talking about her emotions and feelings wasn't safe as a little girl. Is that resonated all?

That was more like, that was more me. I was always getting in trouble, but I have no problem communicating. And then it just makes things worse when you didn't want to answer me because it just makes me mad. Right. Of course. So you guys are in this cycle. See what I'm saying?

So this cycle will continue until you just both want to like, you know, I want to say, you know, tell it, tell it's just going to explode. Or you go to therapy and you learn. I mean, I learned how to communicate in therapy. We don't learn, they don't teach that to us in school. So therapy or it's not gonna work. I'm telling you, there's no, there's no one you've had every single conversation.

I should give it. I would say, if you'd ask a nerd to go to counseling and through a good world, I would say three months, I'd say three to six months right now. And I would put a deadline on and say, this is not gonna go anywhere.

And I'd put it three months from today. I don't know what is it December. I would say March, whatever the date is literally I've done this before in relationships. So March, let's say 10th, this is what I want to see happen. If we are not therapy, because then years go by and we're in the same loop. You guys have been doing this for two years. Do you want to spend another two years in the same place? You need change. You need something different. And I don't want to break my son's heart. Of course. You just hurt a lot over the summer because you know, he missed his mom. She doesn't know how to access his feelings. So you guys got to go to, you may have to go to two or three to find one

they both like, but this is your most important work right now. Your most important work is getting recommendations, getting a name therapist, and going to see them, and she's going to get in there, and you know, she might, she'll start talking. She's going to have to, if she wants to save the marriage. That's it. Okay, James, good luck. Do it. Do it today.

I appreciate it. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you for sharing. Okay. Bye. There's always one person in a relationship. I don't always, some couples are totally down with it. And I think that some couples go up,

you know, they hear therapies bad, or it means that we're crazy, or we just are afraid for what's gonna happen. Like she's gonna have to face her truth. He's, James is gonna have to face his truth, and it's gonna be ugly. So in a way, we live in this place where it's a lot easier

to live with just the like, blame, blaming our partner for something, or you know, just sitting in that place that's, it becomes comfortable. But until they got a breakout in therapy, they just got to do it. And sometimes if you guys, if this resonates with you and you're in a relationship that you know you need therapy, like just get on the phone and start making those calls. And it's the hardest thing just to find one.

But these days, you know, your insurance will cover it's sliding scale, but really your mental health and your relationship is the most important thing. It's just not gonna work out if you don't deal with it. So, that's what we got time for today. Those are our calls. Is that it? Are we done? Are we out?

Okay. Wow, that was fun, you guys. Who else wants to call in and talk? E-Malice, I would love that. And let me know what you think of the show and the format. I think this has been fun. So thank you to everyone.

Thank you for listening. Thank you to Madison. Thank you to Eddie and Jamie and Ken and thank you to Michael here doing the sound or a new buddy on the show. And yeah, just thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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