Sex With Emily - Emotional IQ’s & Dating Someone New

Episode Date: November 14, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about emotional intelligence & how to spot if your date (or partner’s) is high or low. Plus, she answers your sex, dating and relationship questions. She tells us what emotional intelligence is & why it’s so important, what to do when your partner refuses to open up sex conversation due to religious beliefs, & how to cope when you miss being in a relationship. Plus, which first steps to take towards mutual masturbation. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about emotional intelligence and how to spot if your date or partners is high or low. Plus I answer your sex dating and relationship questions. Topics include, what is emotional intelligence and why the heck is it so important? So you want to open up the sex conversation with your husband but he refuses due to his religious beliefs. Now what? How do you cope when you miss being in a relationship but are too busy with work to even make room for one? And how to love mutual masturbation with your partner just as much as you love sex.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that mark our sacred institutions Betrubized they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Evelyn You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand. Oh my the women know about shrinkage isn't it common? What do you mean like laundry? It's r drink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, between. For more information check out sexwithendly.com. You're going to love our website so much information there that you need to have the sex life and the relationship that you deserve. Thanks for also subscribing. Wherever you listen to the podcast, it's available on all platforms and find a

sent-all social media. It's at sexwithendly across the board. All right guys, I hope you enjoy the show. All right. Clear, your date has low emotional intelligence. Now I saw this and I was like, okay, people who have low emotional intelligence, this might not resonate with them, they'll be like, I don't know, I don't even know what emotional intelligence is. But you guys, listen, it's a, you know, here's the thing on emotional intelligence.

You just, you have depth, you know how to respond to things, you have healthy relationships, you've the capacity to handle relationships, you have emotions, you express them effectively. And I guess if you're not that person, you are, you know, more emotionally immature and maybe you look like a child a lot, but I like some of these points because I thought whether you're a emotional intelligent or not, or if you're dating someone Isn't this will help you out? So one sign is they always bring the focus of the conversation back to them And I think we all know this is a huge red flag when people

Dominate the conversation and no matter what you say you're like when I was on my vacation and they're italy They're like oh, I went to Italy and then they go off and you're like what? It's very even be unrelated like my boss today and they're like, oh, I went to Italy and then they go off and you're like, what? It's really even being related like my boss today and they're like, well, let me tell you what my boss. And you're like, oh, my God. However, here's a twist that we all know that's just annoying. And so as we can give people a sec like if it's the first date, we might say, oh, well, they were nervous.

But typically, I think this is just maturity. You know, you give and take. Hopefully you do it with your friends and your family. But the more sophisticated kind of bringing in the conversation back to them is someone who listens intently. They ask questions and then they of course share their own experiences and then they demonstrate common ground to show empathy. However, this person will also have the last word and maybe say my situation was a lot

better or a lot worse. So look out for those people because it's still always about them. Their thing is they're transactional. Now this is a good one. So one thing that I was always taught was look how they treat the waiter. Look how they treat the wait staff. If they're rude to the waiter, they're going to be rude to you. If they hate their mother, they're not going to be great to you. But someone could be really nice to the waiter. They could really, you know, give their extra food to the homeless person, but you need to find out why they're doing these acts. So even if they're really, let's say they're accessibility charming.

Mm hmm. Why are they being charming? If they say to you, like, oh, I'm only doing this. I'm only being nice to the waiter. So next time we're here. They'll be nice to us Like then you know they have an ulterior motive and if they've ulterior motive that means that everything they do and this is very typical like narcissistic personality disorders like people who only do things to look good like they're the ones who like Keep talking about all the donations they gave or all the all the the great things they did for the community or what a good Parent there what you don't mean like you can just tell yeah, like kindness with a motive kind of with a motive is they gave or all the great things they did for the community or what a good parent there. You know what I mean? You can just tell. Kindness with a motive.

Kind of with a motive is no real motive at all. Okay. Another one is they can't keep commitments. The ability to instantly communicate with someone, thanks to smartphones, means it is easier to flake. And people can flake. Something could happen. They have nerves or they're upset about something. But if it's the last minute that could be me and they're lacking emotional intelligence, they might not have a strong enough sense of self to decline invitations in the first place or, or they

don't have the empathy to know that it's freaking rude that you have we all have time. We all have enough out. We all are people and humans, and we all make decisions about how we're gonna spend our time. So if someone flakes on you, that's just to me, it's just not like literally flakes, like meet me here at 7 and they don't show up. I think that's what they're talking about. Yeah, or just like they're texting you right beforehand,

like, oh crap, like I can't make it. Like the first time, I think depending on the excuse, it can be a pass. But to me, that's just like you literally have no consideration for my time at all. Right, it's super rude. I hate, that's the thing I hate the most, my biggest pet peeve is feeling like

someone doesn't give a crap about my time, that I'm wasting my time waiting for someone and they know that. Right, I hate it. I hate it. I think the someone and they know that. Right. I think it's not that. I think the amount of flaking that we experience is a very American thing. Because I've had plans with people from Europe and dates or other parts of the world. There was one instance where I like double checked with them.

I was like, hey, we still going out tomorrow or tonight. I ate and he's like, yeah, why wouldn't we be? So it was like, I think it's kind of like a... And California, especially. Do they look... Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we are. And I think it's true.

Okay, here's a huge one, you guys. This is huge. Signs in someone you're with, dating is not, doesn't have a lot of emotional intelligence. They have no real friendships. And this to me, you only make that mistake at once. I dated some guy who had no friends. He literally had no friends.

I kept saying, well, what about this? Any friends from childhood or high school? Nothing. So someone who's low emotional intelligence might be like, I have fewer no friends. They might give reasons like they're new to the city or their friends abandoned him or they're always blaming others for character flaws. Guess what you guys? This person does not have the emotional intelligence you need. Having long term friendships are really, really important and the really sign of emotional maturity. Like, even other friends who don't have friends.

Like, I always think that's weird. It's weird. I mean, especially coming from someone is like, my friends are like my family. You know, I've built a world around that. It's like, you know. Well, it's because you always have to think about why this person doesn't have any friends

because it's like, is it because they aren't putting themselves out there? Or is it because they're not a good friend and every friend they've had is abandoned them because they're like, dude, no. Exactly, exactly. And it's one thing to be an introvert and I think, even if they have a few good friends,

like five great friends, it's not about a really good friend. Yeah, just one, you got the best friend. Great, but like no friends, not good. They must win the argument at all costs. This is a tough one. This is tough just to be friends with someone, to have someone in your family like this.

But you know, if you're uncomfortable having with having doubt in our perspectives, even though it's normal, it's a clear sign of low EQ, it might be understandable. If a person only exhibits such tendencies in one or two topics, they feel strongly about it's fine. But if they have to win every single argument, every single one, at all costs, it's a red flag. It's really is a red flag, because they just can't stand someone

of a divergent perspective on them. It makes them feel inferior. And so they always have to want up you and say they're right, oh, it makes me miss thinking about people in my life that I've known that this makes me crazy. They're always right. They've, ugh. Those people who it's not even an argument and they make it into an argument just so that they can be right. Yeah, they're using that for their own, their own confidence booster, which isn't real. Okay, this is who you guys, they criticize everyone but themselves. Oh, that's the big one. Oh my god

You guys do you have someone in your life like this? They literally criticize everybody. They're talking about everyone else has massive character flaws Without self-awareness and they they clearly lack emotional intelligence because if you go with emotions You can see yourself clearly and you also can see others with empathy But if you're blaming the entire world and this person person was wrong, and this person's an idiot, and this person is a jerk, and they never look at themselves, I just think that this is a huge flag, even if they can't admit their faults,

it might be like something cosmetic or something, well, I guess sometimes they do this kind of foe admitting their faults, like, well, I've had times in my life where I've struggled, but you know, like it's nothing very specific. It might even be more superficial. Yeah, like, it's their flaws and they're commenting on it, but it wasn't their fault they had that flaw. Right. Like, they were like, oh, well, yeah, well, I did this, but it was because this situation happened. So obviously, this was going to happen. Exactly. They've adjustification for

everything they do. That is just, I've dated people. Oh, God, they've had justification for everything they do. That is just, I've dated people, oh God, I've done it all. And it was such a sign. And he was so not emotionally intelligent, he was brilliant, but he wasn't emotionally. That's very different, you guys. Yeah, can you make that distinction? Okay, he was so freaking smart.

Ivy League school, we all looked up to him. And I, he was just like, so seductive in many ways in the sense of like, he knew what he was doing. And he's so seductive in many ways in the sense of like, he knew what he was doing and he was a take charge and he was very generous and he was very kind, like in many ways, however, he was always criticizing other people. And he wasn't a negative person, but he literally, it took me like six months into realize, like he's never once, ever once talked about something about himself that was sort of self-effacing or self-deprecating

or like, yeah, there was a struggle in my life. Everything was good. Everything but everyone else, he was like obsessed with everyone else's problems. But so smart. So I think that it's very, we can be, and I love smart. Like I love people, no things and they're teaching me things. But like, and also it took me a while to realize like, he was so confident. He was so confident that was super sexy,

but then the fact that he could not see himself and never had any problems or mistakes or could see any of his flaws were a problem. If you're that intelligent, do you think you have the capacity of holding spaces for both? Yeah, levels of... You have to work on him. He is kind of like genius level

and there are some people who are just so smart and that gets them by because we're like, I have to work on it. He is kind of like genius level and there are some people who are just so smart and that gets them by because we're like, I'm smart. I can do anything. I can take over the world. I don't need to make space for emotional intelligence. But I think you see cases of people who actually can develop both. And you guys, you can develop this. It takes work.

Takes therapy, like really good therapy, but you can actually learn to round yourself out and to be like, I know I'm smart, but I realize I have some, you know, empathy to learn. The other thing is they dispense on unsolicited advice and opinions. Yeah, so this person like, they, oh God, they just wanna call you out and everything. It's negative.

They wanna express their thoughts about your life. And that seems way more important than even paying any attention to your feelings or what you're going through. And it might seem like they're tuned to your problems. Like, you know, but like how you're feeling, but really they're not, they realize it like, they can't accept when you're not open to their advice.

And you remember that sometimes we don't want people's advice and we just want people to listen. So let's see this said, near time best thing out the rubber greens advice to see the world for what is, it means accept human nature for what it is. There's people who will get along and people we won't. There's people who get along with the people we won't.

I mean, we come across the latter. We see every interaction is in tell and what you want in your life and how you can become a better and wiser person. And people like this who have any of these traits are just, I don't know, they don't serve me at all. And hopefully they don't, you realize maybe, maybe this has been a light bulb moment for some people.

I hope so. Because all these things are dangerous. I used to do some of these things back. Like when I was younger. I used to do some of these things back. Like when I was younger, I used to do some of these things because I didn't, I did lack emotional maturity. I feel like I have found some and I do know when I am being slightly immature about something, I'm actually aware of it and I'm just kind of like whatever.

So I feel like that's also in a sense, it's kind of a sign of thing. Yeah. But no, I mean, I think a lot of people, especially the unsolicited advice, I used to just always, I feel like, well, you're talking to me about it, so you obviously want help. Right.

But I've realized in the last couple of years, especially, it's like, you know what, I'm just going to be like, oh, I'm sorry, that sucks, you're so right. Mm-hmm. That's what you kind of do, you're like, I'm really sorry we're going to that. That sounds really, really tough, I'm here for you. Yeah. And that's really what you have to do, even especially if you're in a relationship, you guys like, and this is, we typically, you know, this for male females, like women being like, I just want

them to listen, but sometimes we don't, we don't want your guys, we just want you to like empathize and say like, that sounds really tough. But I go into fix it mode all the time. I mean, it's my job. It's my job. Even on this date, I was like, all of a sudden giving them, I'm like, I'm, I know you're not so for advice. And I was like, boom, boom, all this advice, I can't help it. So it's really great. And if you catch yourself, you can say, wait a minute, are you looking for advice right now? Are you telling me to listen?

And I think that's a great way to kind of backpaddle back, backward. I'm sorry, I'm giving advice, but if you need to listen, I think people will be happy to tell you the answer. Sometimes, yeah, that's what I say. I don't really need any advice right now, but I just need someone to listen. I just say that before I even start talking about what it is I need to talk about. I think we could all remember that.

All right, guys, if you're in these emotionally unintelligent relationships, you might want to get yourself out. I never realized it until you said it, but kindness with a motive. I dated this guy. We were at a concert and somebody tripped and fell and I was like, and he stopped to help them

and I was like, oh, there was so nice of him. Later on, I found out he was an accident lawyer. So like, he was trying to get business out of it, but I didn't, he said he was a lawyer, but I didn't know what kind. And so I thought he was so nice. He gets card and he came this card and then I was like, what?

A ambulance chaser on the sidewalk. That's crazy. Yep, that is such a good example. Didn't realize it was a thing though until you guys just set it. Yeah, now it is a thing. It's all clicking. Yeah, like they're always nice to people.

Like they're always like chatting people up but yeah, the head of the restaurant, the head of the whatever and it's all just, but you see the other, not know he didn't talk to anyone else that at the concert or whatever. Wow, did you go out with him again after that? One other time, until I realized all this and it's all just, but you see the other, not he didn't talk to anyone else that at the concert or whatever. Wow, did you go out with him again after that? One other time, until I realized all this and it clicked.

But I never put words to it until you just talked about it. And then I'm like, whoa, I totally had that habit. You might have to say, yeah, that's crazy. Yep, I know those people. Yeah, that's just, you can just tell they're doing things for their own motives. Yeah, but I mean, what? No, I mean, that's very interesting.

I was just trying to think like- Like what are other examples? I mean, because I was trying to think I was like, because there are times, though, when you just see an opportunity and you're like, oh, okay, I am a genuine person, but also I'm also going to shoot my shot at that same moment in the sense of like, not particularly with this guy. He's an accent lawyer.

He probably was just really trying to give him the guy the card, but maybe he was like, maybe he was like, oh, the guy tripped, I am gonna help him up because he was right in front of me, but why not also give him my card because I could help him if he's seriously injured or wants to make some money. Like I'm just saying that sometimes you could be genuine but also see it as an opportunity.

True. But I guess we'd have to ask Kristen was he kind to anybody else? Yeah, that's something. Asking people how they're doing. Was he empathetic? Like this is the thing. It's when there's a good point. That's why I didn't realize it.

But when there's an absence but there's now going back and like oh yeah he wasn't that it when there's an absence, but there was now going back and I'm like, oh yeah, he wasn't that kind and he wasn't that nice, but it was like this weird anomaly, but he was so nice to the random dude that fell down because it could bring him money, it could bring him business, it could bring him something, maybe it could bring someone fame. Yeah, like excessively nice, not just let me help you up. Yes.

Here's my card, compuating. He like, he like, extend his hand with the business card already in it. Just like, let me help you up. Oh, the answer to this card. I'm glad you want to know with him twice. OK, we're going to take a quick break, and we come back.

We're going to get into your questions. We have Lisa, 47 in Ohio, who's got a question about sharing toys. Hey Lisa, thanks for calling. Hi. Hi, I'm good Lisa. I'm so glad you called. I'm so excited that I got through. I've been waiting for you guys to talk about this topic for so long.

Well, here we are. So I have a question in a dilemma-flash. No, I get you're full question. So what do you do when your partner is the source of your guilt about sex? Mm. What do you do in your partner as a source of your guilt? Can you describe more about the guilt,

what your partner is saying to you or doing, yeah? Yes, my partner, I've been married for 21 years and we both grew up in the church. And in our religion, quote unquote, sex is not really talked about, is not really dealt with. And it definitely isn't something that women are encouraged to enjoy. So when I got with my partner, he had all these ideals about what's that shit and shit not. And you shouldn't touch herself and you shouldn't watch porn.

And you shouldn't use toys and you shouldn't do all of that. Right. Mm-hmm. And so my question was, like, well, if I can't exploit these things with my partner, who I've now married, who and what do I explore these things with. Right. So, that weekly and through my, I want to give you all the information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, fast forward to a few years back, my husband discovers that he has erect

child dysfunction. Okay. But he didn't sell me. So So he just started withdrawing from me. And so in my effort to, you know, kind of spicing up and make sure, you know, he didn't feel bad for not being able to perform. I purchased a toy. And it was a gift. I presented it as a gift to him. It was a one of the vibrators that you control with a nap. Oh great. Those are we love those. Okay. Yeah. Well, so you would think. But I presented the him and he was offended. So that's why I thought about it when you're last time because you talked about men, um, filling like they're being replaced by the sort of people. She was offended. Yeah, you guys have been together a long time and you've driven with these are old messages.

So first, tackle the, what do you do when it comes from the religion? I mean, what I often tell people is to, we go through different stages in our life, right? It's also okay from to look at that and say, in anyone who's still holding on to things that might not serve them anymore. Well, this is a belief I had, but where did it come from and doesn't still serve me right now? And maybe the way to knowing that like he actually could have pleasure with

you and figure out a way to make it really sexy and hot again would allow him to say, you know what? I understand these things about the church, but I loved my wife. I love Lisa. I care about her so much. And if there's ways that we could bridge this gap, I can just take what I like from our religion and kind of leave the rest for now. But he probably didn't understand it because you guys have been together for a long time. And it's never been talked about, never been challenged. So it was probably the way it was presented, not your fault at all Lisa, but this is going to take a little bit of unpacking.

We can kind of help you finesse this conversation too. Well, we have so much messaging culturally about what is sex and what that means and how we have it, that orgasms the goal and that it's penis and vagina and that sex. And I think that one of the things that we have found with people with erectile, this function or varying degrees of not being able to stay hard as long, et cetera, is that again, it's unraveling all of that messaging and saying, but doesn't this feel good? I know that you're not hard and that you're not able to, we're not able to have the sex we used to have, but honestly, we can't have the sex we used to have

as we get older. Those hips, they kinda hurt. Like, we can't be, we're not maybe as flexible as we once were. Some of the things change in our body and maybe things are different and maybe they're better, but it's still the connection. And I think that's gonna be what you and your husband

are gonna have to kind of talk about. And it's really gonna start with communication because sometimes when you buy a product and you're like, look, this is for us, it can be really shocking and maybe upsetting because he's like, oh, I can't, it reminds him, right? That he can't no longer. And for many, you know, when something's not working, especially their penis men feel very masculated. They can feel very much like they're no longer a man, right? And though my penis doesn't work, and it's all over. And again, a lot of this is just, you know, in his mind, but he's not really like able to say that. So then he attacks you or feels makes you feel bad about it, at least, so which I'm sure he, you know, doesn't

want to do that. So I think that maybe having a conversation again outside the bedroom, where you're like, you know what, I understand that I brought that in that might have been jarring to you, but I really think what's most important here for the sanctity of our marriage is really keeping up our intimacy. And it's not just about sex. And so maybe we could try some things and a great, a great product for this. Well you said you bought something with a remote. Yes, it's controlled.

You download the app and you control it with your phone. Probably we can. Yeah. We have to do no work, but push our buttons. Right, right. And this was for you, the toy. Yeah. OK.

The survivor. But he controls all of it. Yeah. I love that. I mean, there are some great toys like that. But what we're thinking is perhaps, well, we were thinking about maybe the pulse from Hadoctopus that if this is a product that has this pulsating, it's a pulse plate

is what it's called, and it gives a really specific and really intense sensation to the friend Yolam on the penis. And this can be a product that he inserts himself into when he's like soft, and he may never get erect, but he could have an organism and it's going to feel really really good. The other thing yeah yeah that and the other thing I would say is it could have been that it was hard for him to have you do this alone when your intimacy is something that has been between the two of you for 21 years and so it could be that after you reintroduce the conversation

and the notion of involving products and toys into your bedroom play, that you go on a date and you go shopping together. And whether that's at some place near where you live or if it's online that you're looking at products, you're reading, and that can actually be really exciting. That can be re-igniting some of that excitement about how much you enjoyed being physical together.

Yeah. You've actually done that, but they just end up in the drawer, in the pile with everything else. Right, boss. Right, no, I understand Lisa. This just sounds to me like it is people can be very, very set in their ways.

And so if it's something that he, because Lisa, you are, you, you have absolute all the right to pleasure that you, you've had first for your, your marriage and for your lifetime. So really getting him on board, you know your husband better than I do. But there's gotta be ways in your 21 years of marriage that you've been able to find common ground on things. Maybe it was deciding where you're going to go on vacation or when you're going to buy a house, but you know how, how find common ground on things. Maybe it was deciding where you're gonna go on vacation or when you're gonna buy a house, but you know how you can communicate with him.

And this is something that's a little bit trickier, but I don't want you to give up on this Lisa because it is really important for intimacy because then you're gonna start resentments will build. Sounds like you already might already be there. He wasn't telling you about the erectile dysfunction. So just know that the more you talk about it in a way that's like using your feeling words,

I really feel more connected to you when we are using things together and we can both have pleasure And it's really just having them come around remember It's been his lifetime of other messages. So rewiring can be tricky But I feel like you can do it Lisa. I feel like you just got to keep seeing what works and let him know how important it is to you And that you want him to have pleasure as well Okay Lisa and let them know how important it is to you and that you want him to have pleasure as well. Okay, Lisa. Thank you. You're so welcome, Lisa. Thanks for calling in a junior story. You appreciate it. All right, so we have Jewel who is 22 from Georgia and she needs tips to on how to masturbate with her partner. Okay. Hey, Jewel's Jewel.

Hey, hey, hi, thanks for calling. Yeah, thank you for taking my call. So yeah, I'm 22 and I have the best partner in the whole world. Our sex life is amazing. We've actually just really recently gotten into this podcast and have like, that was amazing. Oh, my podcast. A lot about mutual optimization. Right. What is it?

You got into my podcast listening. Yeah, awesome. A lot of couples do that. We actually have been like listening together and reporting back at Superfund. I've got a lot about mutual masturbation. Right. You got into my podcast listening. Yeah. Oh, awesome. A lot of couples do that. Yeah, we actually have been like listening together and reporting back at Superfund. Oh, it's a book club, but a podcast sex club.

I love it. Okay. I love that. Yeah, exactly. And so, but I've always been a little embarrassed, really embarrassed, to masturbate with him. There's something there's like an anxiety, like a mental block, and I just didn't know because that sounds so great, and I know you really preach it.

Like, you have any tips for making that a little bit easier or a little bit more comfortable or not being so anxious about that one thing? Yeah, I mean, would it be more interesting to you if maybe he, which part of it makes you anxious? Like him looking at you, like what you do, like do you think what you do is weird or like or just seem wrong like taboo what's going on in your head.

So it's not so much taboo. I've always been a little insecure about my body and so I think it probably comes a little bit from that but it is very much his scrutiny is kind of intimidating. His scrutiny? I feel like I want to shrink a little bit from that, but it is very much his scrutiny is kind of intimidating. His scrutiny? I feel like I want to shrink a little bit. You feel like you're on a what a little bit of string? I sure you're going to shrink a little bit. Sorry, give me. Oh, you feel like you're going to shrink.

Let me try this. She's going to shrink. Yeah, so his scrutiny, you know, his, that kind of intense attention from him, I feel like I just want to shrink a little bit. Oh, okay. Has he ever said anything to you before, like that made you feel less than, or is he very supportive in loving about your... He's extremely supportive in loving.

I have had partners so that we're not that way. Okay, yeah. Well, I'm glad you're not with them anymore. He might not be the problem. Good. So he loves you. He loves your body. He tells you how sexy you are and stuff. I mean, I would say that one of the things is, is, I mean, glad you're not with them anymore. I'm not the top one. Good. So he loves you. He loves your body. He tells you how sexy you are and stuff.

I mean, I would say that one of the things is, is, I mean, because you're having sex with him. So he is seeing you naked all the time, but you feel like it's really intense if he's just there staring at you. But here's a thing about mutual masturbation is that it could go really slow. Like, like, first off, you could practice doing it at home in front of the, like, in yourself, in front of the mirror, like, when you're at home first off, you could practice doing it at home in front of the, like in yourself, in front of the mirror, like when you're at home.

Like, you could do it with your, just to see how it looks and how you, like, look, like, kind of like, masturbation with yourself, but looking at it and seeing how really fucking beautiful it is and how cool it is that you can get yourself off and you know your body. It really is. I know people, like, I'm glad you, like, it's really hot that we see what our bodies can do. So that might make you feel, um, you know, feel more confident in

it. Um, the other thing is like I would say is that first of all, no pressure to do it, but also think about like, um, would it be more comfortable if maybe, I'm trying to think if he started and you started, but I think you could leave some of your clothes on. You could have him slowly undress you. You could have some candles lit. I feel like it's the kind of thing once you start doing it, it might, it's going to get easier, but I feel like the fear you have around it right now is bigger. When you're actually doing it, you're going to be into the moment.

My tips would be to maybe put on the back burner for a little bit if it's really making you anxious or also just kind of go slow or maybe you do it for a few minutes. Maybe just he starts one day and then you do it the next day or maybe you say, let's just start with you and I'll see how I feel. And then maybe he could start rubbing you over your pants. So maybe this is how it should work. I got this down. So maybe it's kind of like, you know, when we first started dating people and it's really hot and we're like, it's like dry-humping and it's getting really hot and heavy. So rather making it like right now, we pulled on our pants and we masturbate. Maybe it's more organic where you guys are like making out and like you're taking it slowly, you're grinding

on each other and then, you know, he takes his pants off and you take his tears off slowly and then you like kind of work into it that way. You're already around, as you're grinding on each other, and then he takes his pants off, and he takes yours off slowly, and then you kind of work into it that way. You're already around, you're already turned on, and it's like right before maybe you have sex, and you just do it for a few minutes and see how it feels. Like maybe your toys out of your lube, or wherever you masturbate,

and then it doesn't become this whole like awkward thing, or maybe you even just decide in the moment, like you don't even have to tell him this, but next time you guys are fooling around, you can be like, wait a minute, let's do that thing if you're feeling it. So it doesn't be like, okay, today, here I am. Because you get naked every time you have sex anyway. Oh, yeah.

No, thank you. That's really excellent. And I'm so glad I called because that's really helpful. Oh, I'm so glad. It's just the fantastic process. Oh, Julie, sounds amazing. Yeah, I think. Yeah, I'm so glad. I'm just a fantastic person. Oh, Julie, sounds amazing. Yeah, I think. Yeah, you're so welcome to try that.

We don't make it a big deal and the big, oops, look who we are. We're mutually masturbating. Look what happens. Thanks, Joel. Thanks for calling. It's true. We send you as you put a lot of pressure on ourselves. All right, well, we have a Leo 25 from Canada who has a question about dating. Okay. Hey, Leo, how can I help you? All right, I'm, that's it. Good. See, I'm really confused because I work a lot.

I'm talking like 15, 16 hours a day. And I feel like I don't have time for relationship, but it's something that I'm missing in my life. You know what I mean? Yeah. I know that I'm missing it, but I'm not doing anything about it. I just want to know, like, I don't know how to put into words, but if you were dating someone who worked 15, 16 hours a day, I don't know how to go about it.

Well, is this like your, like, what is something that you'll be doing for the rest of your life or is this phase you're in right now working 15, 16 hours a day? It's mostly like this. Like whenever I'm not busy, I keep busy. I don't like the house. Right. Well, what do you do, Leo? I'm a construction worker.

I don't have a company. Right, okay, so you're a business owner and you're doing construction. I would say that maybe, I'm a construction worker. Right. Okay. So you're a business owner and you're doing construction. I would say that maybe... So you're saying would that be a turn off to somebody? Or are you saying you have no time to meet someone? Yeah. Would they lose interest over time?

All I can basically do for now is call on the phone. She could come live with me. But I don't know. I haven't been home for like two weeks. You know what I mean? I was going to be two weeks. Well, she, well, Adam, this is kind of a weird thing to say, but will she cheat on me? Like, am I going to be betrayed?

Well, I don't know, Leo, you're 25 years old. So me, like, that's a lot of, I mean, trying to think, what is your day, every day, 15, I mean, I guess I've gone through that in my 20s. I worked that much. I used to work. I used to work like 12 to 15 hour days,, I guess I've gone through that. In my 20s, I worked that much. I used to work. I used to work like 12 to 15 hour days, but I still would go out at night and go out on the weekends.

I mean, my friends, I used to work in like a political campaign. It was like 24 or 7. So I was like, I was a work, I worked really hard, but I also had a lot of friends and I had a full life. So I feel like the way you're thinking about is a narrow and maybe you're probably you said you're also the other thing is that you always keep really busy and I'm wondering have you done that like I think there's still some work for you to do Leo is like growing into being a man and realizing like it's okay to be

alone and feeling your feelings and you don't have to always keep busy like what happens if you slow down what happens if you make time for friends like do you have to be working this hard or is working this hard so you can be safe from having to actually feel? Yeah, I don't know. Like, I had a daughter when I was 16, so I just want the best life year. I want to focus more on her than myself, but like, I want to be happy. I don't know how to get started to explain. No, I totally get it Leo. So you had a daughter at a really young age and so therefore you're like, oh shit, I got to work. I got to get back together and I want to be a good dad. And so for nine years you've been running running running

to like be that dad and to be that person and to be responsible. So it kind of sounds like you lost a lot of your youth then too. You know, you had to grow up fast. I just want her to have everything I didn't have. Of course I need. I don't know if I'm being like, bad by not introducing her to someone as you can call mom, but. I feel like, I don't feel like you should put so much pressure

on yourself right now. I feel like you're doing, are you happy? Are you enjoying your work? Are you happy? Are you enjoying your work? Are you filled? Yeah, honestly, I am. I love keeping busy. I don't have time to think, which I like that, you know what I mean? Yeah, but I think that, again, no, I get it. At 25, I was the same exact way. I was just keeping really busy because I had a lot of stuff to keep busy from too. There were things I didn't want to think about or feel. And I was super busy and I was really good at my job,

but eventually I realized that it was just way too much. And I got really burnt out and I took a year off and traveled and I figured out who I was. And it's always a journey, but I feel like there has to be a part of you that gives yourself a little bit of space and time to be you and your 20s and have some fun. And meet some people in a normal way. So I think the scenario that we're talking about is making me realize, like, sure, you can meet someone who'd be down for anything, but I don't think you're going to be down

for this lifestyle. And how are you being a great dad to your daughter? If you are always busy, I'm not concerned about her having another mom. I'm concerned about you being present and then learning to process your emotions and your feelings around things. Listen, most people don't do any of this work. So I'm just throwing a lot out there, but it would be really good for you to like kind of look at the busyness and see what am I running from.

It's serving you in some way. And I didn't understand that until like years later. So for me, I just didn't want to feel. I just wanted to work. So that's what I'm hearing here, Leo. You sound like a really great guy and I just want you to go easy on yourself and maybe have more of a, you know, just go out with your friends a few times to be like, what's going to happen if you don't show up for work?

Maybe it's time to start delegating if you're successful in business. A lot of entrepreneurs have a really hard time giving up, you know, delegating. And so that's something I also had to learn, so I could have a life back. Okay, by Leo. Yeah, that's tough. It's tough, but I think it still goes back to making yourself a whole before you make yourself a whole before you go out there. He's just like worried that he's not. He doesn't want to yet. Don't work. Make all your money. Keep working, but don't, you know, trust him. All right, but to switch up the subject a little bit, we got Chris 29 from New York. And him and his wife have some questions about sex toys.

Okay. Hey, Chris, thanks for calling. You've come to the right place. Hey, Emily, how are you? It's actually the first time listening to today. I think you're about taking our course. Of course. Welcome to the show. I appreciate it. So we recently started incorporating toys about a month or two ago. And it's been going really well so far. We kind of went all in. We got a ton of stuff and then we ended up getting the magic wand last week, which is

pretty unbelievable. Oh my god, yeah. She's actually pregnant. So we were kind of, you know, want to take it easy,, so we were kind of, you know, want to take it easy, but like we were kind of looking for the best toy that we can incorporate together as a couple. Okay. So not really for what that is. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. Okay. So the quint, the traditional couple

toys are something that you could share during intercourse, right? So a cock ring or like the Wevi sink, the Wevi, Wevi makes these toys that are, um, that gets a wearable vibrator, it's kind of like a C, so she could wear it inside of her, like it kind of clips on your penis, can still go inside it,

it hits her G spot and her clitoris. So that's like a one she could wear. Now if, and then the cock ring, you'd wear on your penis and then she'd be able to like ride you and they would hit her clitoris and be amazing. There's also the Moxie, which is amazing new toy that blows my frig in mind.

It's a wearable vibrator that she could wear when she guys are like out in the back. It's kind of like a ballplay, but it's also a great vibrator. But you can control it with an app. So really my question for you though is, as far as couple of toys, but it's also a great vibrator, but you can control it with an app. So really my question for you though, is as far as couple of toys, is it for intercourse, or is it more like she needs more clitoral stimulation during sex?

So you could just get, like actually any of those would work for that as well. Well, I don't know, we just, we both enjoyed. I mean, obviously I think she enjoyed it more with a toy. I mean, I'm not gonna lie about that. Yeah. Toys are fun. You know, we both, you know, I think it's fun to me too.

I mean, it's a turn off for both of us. Yeah. So we both like it. And we've, you know, we kind of made a pact to have sex once a day, you know, good. For the rest of our life. So we actually have an app and we,

not that we monitor it, but we do monitor it. We're up to like, I don't know, 40 times. Oh my god. I love it. How is that? Jay, how does that feel? Okay. I was forced to July. We were at seven. So that's our highest our highest number. So that's good. But I don't think this is cool. She's in the car. No, I would just say use some blue. I mean, here's the other thing. Toys are really fun. I like the sink, because you could also can use a phone with it and control it. I like the pivot. It's a caulking, and it's also by Weebib. What else do we like for couples here?

That is a good couples toy. The Pulse 3? The Pulse? Yeah. Well, yeah, even with that, we've watched the magic was it called the the magic wand so we got the wand and she's been going a little wild with that The magic wand is epic, but it's a little can be harder for couples play That's why I think even just a little literal vibe is great too So you could try something like I don't know gosh anything by we vibe is amazing like you get the little tango bullet

It's waterproof, but I would try the sink or I would try the the the umpevitt because the cock ring and it could also be used as a clitoral vibe. Those are my recommendations for you. We'll put them in the show notes, okay? Thanks for calling. It's so glad you found the show. All right thanks everyone for listening and supporting the show, sharing it with a friend. Come on, we all need sex information, don't we? And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Heather, Alisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you?

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