Sex With Emily - Energetically Sexy with John Wineland

Episode Date: August 31, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex and intimacy coach John Wineland to talk about sexual energy, consent, and understanding both. They discuss masculine and feminine energies as the foundation to deeper sex – regardless of who you’re sleeping with, being a more conscious partner and lover, and why learning the difference between “no” and “not yet” can make a world of difference in the bedroom. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Foria, Magic Wand, Adam & Eve Follow Emily on Instagram & Twitter: @sexwithemily Follow John on Instagram: @john_wineland John's website: www.johnwineland.com For all things sex & relationships, visit: sexwithemily.com   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Sex and Intimacy Coach John Wattland to talk about understanding our masculine and feminine energies as the foundation to deeper, hotter sex, regardless of who you're sleeping with. Being a more conscious partner and lover and how slowing down everywhere will make your connection that much better. And while learning the difference between no and not yet can make a huge change in the bedroom. All this and more, thanks for listening! Betrubized, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here.

I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemily.com. Check out our website, our blogs, our posts, everything we have there.

We put out my team puts up so you can have better sex and relationships all year long. And every single day. We care about that. I also care about you and your sex life, what kind of sex you're having, what kind of sex you want to have. So check out my survey. I'm doing an alternative August survey all month, it's on our website and you can get it at sexwithemily.com slash August.

Or you can also find on all of our social media, which is at Sex with Emily Cross the board. And why I love this survey that we're doing, it's actually a survey, and it won't take you long, but it really helps me figure out who you all are. Like what kind of sex do you want to have? Do you want a more alternative sex? What's your sexual orientation?

And a few questions about the show as well. And I know whenever we've done surveys here, you guys have always shown up for me. So I appreciate it, and it's in the name of science. We're getting some good research from that as well. So thank you everybody for joining me here today. I'm really excited about my guest. It turns out he was on the show exactly a year ago.

August 15th, 2017, he was on the show. It was called Howter Deeper Sex with John Wyland. And I'm sitting here with John Wyland. John teaches the art of masculine leadership. He's an LA-based men's group facilitator. Speaker, teacher, he's been guiding men and women in the realm of life purpose, sexual intimacy, and embodiment.

And he does truly groundbreaking work so much so that I was really taken by our conversation and inspired when he was on the podcast. I went to a retreat with him in Hawaii and it wasn't even about being in Hawaii. By the way, I barely saw Hawaii. I didn't even skip out and like, I'm going to go to the beach. I wasn't thrilled. I was in it for five days. So, John, welcome back to the show. Thank you, Emily. Thanks for being here. Yeah, I know. It's like a little anniversary. I love it. Well, do this every August 15th for you know next week. I'm cool I know it's like a little anniversary. I love it. We'll do this every August 15th for you know next week. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. I'm

always really uplifted and inspired by our conversations and all the work you're doing. And I just love watching out your success and that you're continuing to to grow and teach even more and even though a lot of your I think where you guys are going to be really inspired as well and moved. He teaches a lot of courses which are sold out right now. But you can check out all of his work at Johnwyland.com and maybe there'll be some spots open. He has a book coming out finally. Yeah, finally. Yeah, no, I think you need to write a book.

I know, it really is. Like I know. You know a bit about it. So I went to your treat. What was it called exactly? Spiritual intimacy and yoga,. Yeah. Okay, right. That's good, because that's what I got out of it. And what I wanted to talk about was that, because we haven't really talked on the show about it since my experience. And I think I talked a little bit about it, but it's easier to have you here. And so this is what has

really stuck with me, is that there was a lot of, how do we break this down? Those for single women and men and couples. And so I just thought there was a lot of, how do we break this down? Those were single women and men and couples. And so I just thought it was a small group. It was like 50 of us, which it was felt intimate. It did. It was like 50, but no, it was like in a lovely setting. And I just saw that the work was really powerful. And it really felt like I had dropped in, I slowed down, I really got more into my heart

and learned more about like, tantric practices, Kundalini. Did we do yogic sex? Yogic? Yeah, we did. That's what we did. That's what we did. We did take off our clothes, but yeah,

it was like, I was thinking like, I was naked, actually, we weren't even allowed to have sex. And maybe actually want to be in a relationship at the time, which I was not. And maybe think about how powerful it was amazing to see the couples there and their transformation after just a few days. Couples coming all that had been together

for a year to 25 years, 30 years, and just to see how they can drop and reconnect in ways that I'm sure they had tried before and they were unable to do until they were there. So first, I kind of want to talk about this because this is something that you would have your main tenants of what you do. And if you guys have a list of John's work before talking about just the masculine and the feminine and you talk about this often, but how the importance

of praising the feminine and how the feminine grows from praise and how the men grow from challenge. And just something about that, you would also sit out in the show, but sitting there, I was thinking it kind of made me feel like, oh, that's why it empowered me so much. It made me feel comfortable, even more so asking like my partner now. Like, if you don't compliment me in certain ways, like, I need to hear it. It's like I'm your plants. He loves plants. And when they, like, what if you left for weekend, didn't water your plants?

Like, we're something happening. It was super busy with work. And we didn't see each other for like a week or 10 days. And it was like empty. And like, I got no praise. We weren't like connecting or physical taught. And I'm like, it's just, we need that. and how we go from praise and how men grow from challenge. It was one thing. Also, I love this, the great way to give feedback without attacking

your partner. So many couples like, how do I talk to my partner? Probably one of the main things I talk about is teaching couples how to communicate better and get what you want and one of the great exercises we did on your retreat was, what I need you to do for my heart to fully trust you, right? Something like that. Something like that. To rather say what I would need is, what I would need is, instead of saying,

you need to give me more compliments. Are you need to take me to dinner? You need to turn off the TV and pay attention. I mean, it's like, why do they need to do any of that? But if you put it in the frame of, this is what I would need for you for me to be able to drop into this relationship and really trust you.

I just thought that was really powerful and like reading through all my notes, it just got me like, okay, we're here. So I wanted to talk about, just let's go back to the basic masculine feminine breakdown here because that's kind of the basis of what a lot of what you do. Yeah, yeah, I mean, the basic. That was a lot.

And then I got some of our childhood wounds, but let's just start with those were two by big hands. Sure. So we all have a masculine and a feminine, right? We all have, these are universal energies, like yin and yang, North Pole, South Pole, consciousness and energy. I mean, the world is filled with, there's two specific laws around intimacy.

The first is that we're all the same. We're all human. I have fear. You have fear. I have a soul. You have a soul if you believe in that, right? I want love. You want love.

The first step in getting intimacy is to see that in each other. Yeah, I'm goodness. You're goodness and kind of give each other, start from that place of where the same. that's great, but there's not a lot of fucking that, you know what I mean? Right. And so, you saw a lot of couples get there where they're truly... Fucking me like not a lot of hotness. Not a lot of hotness. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I figured I could cast.

I think you're the right one. Oh yeah. You can just let it down. Yeah, of course, swear. I'm a potty-mouthed, yeah. So that's the first step is really like finding sameness, like in recognizing each other's humanity. There's also the laws of polarity, which the universe has, too.

Magnetism is a perfect law of polarity. And what we realized is that along with sameness, there needs to be difference. And this is not gender. The problem is a lot of people can flake this with gender. But that's why I need to explain it. It's like, no, I'm not like that. And we all have those energies in us. We all have them.

And for there to be the deepest kind of sexual intimacy, we need both the sameness recognized and we need the differences recognized. And one way to work with this, I mean, my teacher, David Dana, talked about this a lot, he's written a lot of books on this so you can definitely check out his books, listeners if you want to get into this. Yeah, DEIDA, I'm fan of his work. And he outlined that for there to be the deepest connection and the hottest sexual polarity, meaning charge, that one person had to animate their masculine and relax their feminine and

one person had to animate their feminine and relax their masculine. And when you have that coupled with the, you know, we're one basically, I'm human, you're human, you get really deep connected sex, right? And so the masculine and the feminine, really you're speaking to universal energies that we all have. Now, the rub here is that still, for most people, especially over 30, most men identify with their masculine. Right. Not all. Not all. We're talking about in the bedroom, specifically when it comes to intimate relationships. Yeah, that's the first place, but you know, and we'll get into a little of the distinctions between the two.

And then most, most women identify with their feminine. Even though they might have, you know, mad masculine capacity in the workplace, in the courtroom, and, you know, wherever they are, whatever they're doing, but at their heart, they would prefer to be ravished and taken somewhat of deep, cherished, ravished, taken someplace deeply by somebody that they trust, right? That's how you know you have a feminine sexual essence. You would prefer to be ravished, penetrated,

led rather than you do the leading, you know, all that stuff. Now you might want that sometimes, but that's not where you're holding it. Exactly, we're not saying this is absolute. And this comes at, when you say ravish,, it just reminds you of why so many people say, why is it that women want to be dominated during sex? So what does it mean that she wants me to throw it out?

It's this base thing that women, it's like all the Harlem, the Harlem, the romance novels of them taking on his arm. There is this fantasy that women have, this desire, this deep energy, this pull that women in their base feminine desire is it to be ravaged to be taken. And a man wants her, her partner wants her so badly that he literally can't do any, he has to have her take her. And that's what we're talking about.

You walk through a wall. Yeah, really? You will rip people apart. Right. And that's what they mean when she says, throw me against the wall, like even if you're like, oh, it's too aggressive. No, but she just wants to feel like you couldn't help it. Like you wanted her so badly, your blood was blowing how badly you desired her.

That's what we're talking about. Absolutely. If you prefer that, then you are a feminine essence. Yes. Obviously. And if you prefer to be the ravisher and to be washed with the energy, with just really wanting energy, so you want to be surrendered to sexually, which most masculine person.

I have explained that to, again, I wanted to say one thing too, that let's explain that this be gay relationship, same sex couple, same thing. There's usually, to make sex hot, there's a masculine and feminine energy. So I just want to put that out there. That it, that's how it plays. It doesn't matter the gender orientation,

the sexual orientation, someone's following. So let's talk about the male, because you often say that surrendering, they want the feminine to surrender them, but how do you explain what that feels? Because ravishing is easier for me to understand that for men maybe being like, what surrender? Yeah, I think you did a great job explaining gravity.

That's where I was trying to be ravishing. Yeah, let's talk surrender. Right, so you want to be trusted fully. Like, I want to know that I can take you someplace that you can't take yourself sexually especially. There's a place in your heart, there's a place in your body that you can do all kinds of things on your own, but there's certain things that you can't do by yourself.

And for you to surrender your capable leadership, which you're probably pretty good at, and trust me, right? And literally give me your body, your heart, the deepest part of both. That would be a surrender, like a full body. The way it occurs to the masculine partners, like, take me, like, take me on your, like,

it would see kind of like a sexual helplessness. And the masculine craves that deeply to be trusted so much that you'll give me everything. Okay, so here's my question. I guess because I'm a woman, I understand this more, I intuitively understand that experience. I hear from women all the time that's what they desire, but for men, they don't use those words, they're like, I just want her to say, why won't she do anal? But they're not saying to me like... But that's a question of surrender. Right. It is that's a surrender

I mean that that illustrates ain't true. It's like a taboo give me your Well for you for you to surrender that kind of that part of your body to me and do it open Hardedly and with complete desire that is a surrender. That's true That is why men love it Right, I mean, you it. It feels good. It doesn't necessarily feel better than regular sex. But it means something. It means something.

It means your surrendering and trusting me. It is trust. It is the ultimate act of trust and spreader. Absolutely. Because we're not just giving around our aynas willy-nilly. No. So, I'm not either. And if you are, that's cool.

But we mostly don't still mean something. It's taboo. So let me give you another example. Because I hear from Joseph Mendy women who are saying my partner, or saying this about their male partner is he doesn't want sex as much. He doesn't initiate. Sometimes I think he doesn't even like it. He did it at the beginning.

I tell him what I want. He doesn't listen. So what about that? Where is that guy not, or that masculine energy not connecting? Because that's a really common. Yeah. So what's that guy I'll trip up on?

Well, you know, there's a couple of different ways to go about this. So first of all, men are the masculine, the masculine. Sometimes I'll say men, because most men are masculine essences, but that's not always true. The masculine prefers peace, nothingness, numbness, emptiness, less. So the masculine and me, even the masculine and you, right? And masculine a lot of women these days, you know, a lot of women meditate,

they actually love that part. And the masculine and all of us prefers that. Well, sex and relationship are a whole lot of something. And so we're not necessarily, when I say we, I mean, masculine guys, I consider myself a masculine essence. We love you. And yet, and yet, that's not where we would want to go naturally. Now, in the first year, year and a half, there's hormones, there's hormones, there's dopamine, there's, you know, there's all kinds of drugs that are helping us like continually go there. But once you get into a longer term relationship, that's just kind of natural. The masculine is thinking about purpose, thinking about success, and thinking about freedom.

Success to the masculine occurs as freedom. When I'll be free when I write my book, I'll be free when I make this much money. I'll be free when I have this kind of sex. I'll be free when I travel the world. I'll be free, right? And so a lot of men are living in that myth that freedom is hitting a goal of some kind. For the feminine, the question is more like, when will there be enough love, right? There'll be enough love when I find the more like When will the be enough love right? They'll be enough love when I find the right guy or they'll be enough love when we have the right sex or they'll be enough love when my husband does this they'll be enough and both of them are myths right there's there's never enough for you Never enough anything right and they're never enough love right and and so here we are

Um or the flip side there is enough as there is in the moment like right in the moment There's in the moment exactly. That moment, there's, in the moment, exactly, that's a great point. But keep thinking that you're gonna get some more. That's where it's all gonna happen. And when you get married, you've the kids, the house, the perfect partner, guess what? But the essence of the feminine in you and in me is love.

And the essence of the masculine in you and me is consciousness or that which never changes. Mm-hmm. I know we're getting into the spiritual intimacy part. That's okay, that's okay. So, yeah. So, the part of us that never changes. I know we're getting into the spiritual intimacy part. That's okay, that's okay. So yeah. So the part of us that never changes, some people would call it God,

some people would call it consciousness, some people would call it entering Zen, depending on where you come from. But the part of you that is always there, right? Everything changing is the feminine. That's why when we're talking about sex, you don't want your, if you're a feminine partner, you don't want your masculine partner to be, you know, screaming and waiting and moving all around.

Oh! Was that, was that, with that term you want? No. But ask a masculine partner. They want that. You want that. And that's why women are thinking they need to do that because what they support sort of, yeah, that's why porn does what it does because they're like, exactly. And women are like, exactly. But the truth is, the reason that's happening in porn is that, yes, that's why women are thinking they need to do that because what they support sort of yes That's why porn does what it does cuz they're like acting like the right

But the truth is the reason that's happening in porn is that yes That's something that's very attractive to men But only if it's authentic it's coming from your women all have the capacity to feel to be loud to be open and truly Express themselves what I think we hold ourselves back cuz we're not feeling safe and desired perhaps for our partners And it all goes in but going back to this, I'm gonna go back to the second thing because I liked my example and you thought it would be about women, money, you ravaged, now that feels, I still can't, I need the example for the men

and then we're gonna move out how that heightened sex feels when he's feeling the surrender, the surrender. Yeah. Well, can we use your anal example? Please. Yes. Yes. No, I love it.

Let's do it. So let's say I'm with my partner and this is on the table, anal is on the table, and it's obviously something that is not easy for every woman to do. There's a certain level of trust inherent in that. And there's obviously pain involved sometimes, right? And so there's a certain level of having to relax her body and surrender into me

Penetrating her deeply, but probably the deepest place in her body. Yeah, and so I'm penetrating the deepest part of her body She has to relax her body. She has to sort of open her heart to me. Otherwise I don't think she would trust me right so if there's a whole bunch of things that have to happen that occur to me as absolute surrender of her heart and body. And the other thing that the masculine craves and sex is the energetic range, right? Yeah, let's, that's it. We're doing the energy, so we're doing the fast. Yeah, we're doing the energy, men,

we're doing the presence and the structure and the, yeah, to me and to most guys that I know, like that kind of surrender, another example would be tying, tying you up. And so the more we get into the taboo pieces me and to most guys that I know, like that kind of surrender, another example would be tying you up. And so the more we get into the taboo pieces where I'm tying you to the bed and leaving you there for a couple of hours and saying, here you get to eat grapes for two hours and I'll be back.

Those kind of sex play, that's why it's such a hot play for people with legitimate masculine and feminine essences. Because the feminine wants to surrender in her heart to some two. Now this gets into the consent piece we were talking about. To somebody that she can trust implicitly. Right. And it's that trust thing. Like I've always said here, and they give people women feel safer.

Women are more likely to enjoy sex, report having satisfying sex and orgasms when there was someone they can trust. And trust goes so much deeper than just like, I know who he is, I know where he lives, and I feel like he's not gonna hurt me, I googled him. It's Facebook, we've been on Facebook, we're talking about this deeper level trust. Okay, can we bring that deeper level trust back to anal sex?

Yes, please. Okay, let's just let's say it. It is an alternative August, which used to be called anal August, but I've expanded it. So yes, perfect. Okay, an alternative August, which used to be called anal August, but I've expanded it. So yes, perfect. Okay, so if we're together, we're in a sexual moment, right? And you can't feel me feeling your heart.

Like I'm not looking into your eyes, I'm not breathing with you, I'm moving very fast or I'm disconnected, right? I'm not in my body or I'm just kind of rushing. Your heart won't, you won't feel me feeling you and you won't be able to trust me with anal sex. So the level of, that's a perfect example from the masculine.

If you want to go there, man, if this is something you want to go to, this is one of those things where there's a lot of trust that has to be worked up slowly and she really needs to be felt, especially if you're in that part of her body because it could be dangerous, it could be painful. If your heart disconnected, it's abuse. Exactly. It is abuse.

I think that we sense that sometimes when we're like he's disconnected or he doesn't get it's because it's what we're talking about. It also you guys have anal sex can be painful but we talk a lot about how to because it's what we're talking about. And also, you guys say, anal sex can be painful, but we talk a lot about how to do it soon when you're breathing. And if it is painful, you guys, you're not breathing using enough lube and slowing down.

So much about great sex is slowing down. Let's talk about the energy you're saying, feeling safe and being able to recognize it, feeling it in your body, and knowing that you're part or trust to you and it's a reciprocal, energetic exchange. So when I went on the retreat and we did the exercises, I had never done anything like that.

I'd read about it, I'd studied it, but to actually be able to sit there with a guy didn't know, and I'd met there during the retreat, and there was no, I mean, I love that you told the couples they shouldn't even have sex for those five days. So it really wasn't about that. It was more about building attraction again

and that energy. So here was a guy like I did not know, and we had to sit for it a few exercises for half hour, looking at an hour. An hour is coming. Yeah, looking to each other's eyes with the goal of, you know, being present, feeling our breath sink up, the energetic flow.

I've talked a little bit about that on the show, but I think that is also a basis for a lot of what you do that it's a practice. I do want to talk to you about how we can get our partners if they can't go to a retreat like how do we even just start because there are things if you don't sit there for an hour. How can you start connecting and feeling that trust? How do we sink into that? Yeah. Well, in a retreat we have to do it slower because you know, because we want everybody to feel safe and you know, we want to be kind of warm up.

No, of course. But with somebody who's your partner, two minutes, three minutes. That's it, right. And the thing you're talking about is trust is a byproduct of limbic resonance. And limbic resonance happens when I'm looking into your eyes. I'm looking past the surface of your eyes and I'm actually feeling deeper. Like you can feel me doing that now, yeah. Right. So I'm looking now.

And if I look, you can actually feel when I look deeper than just your eyes. Yeah. So that's one step. The second step would be for me to sink my breath up with your breath, right? And then you breathe in, I'm breathing in, and we kind of link up our breaths. And then if I relax the front of my body

and I feel your heart, like you can feel feeling your heart, right there. We're getting into limbic resonance. And when we're in limbic resonance, they show that brain waves match up, heart rates match up, there's actually a certain kind of chemical thing that happens, that builds trust. And so those things can happen in two or three minutes. And as we do that, we're recognizing the sameness as we do that. Now the moment I start bringing a little more masculine energy, meaning I'm feeling inside

of you, I'm like, I keep using the word penetrate because that's just the one that really works when we're talking about sex. I'm feeling into you and you're inviting me to feel into you. Now we've added sexual polarity. So if you start with the limbic resonance and then you start to bring in that energy where you're the deepest invitation, your body is she who must be touched, right, is the way that my partner would or my teacher would call it. And I am he who must be trusted. Now we've got both. And that's the kind of trust that we're talking about.

And I was gonna say that I did feel that. I was like, I'm not gonna get there. Like, I'm my heart's shut down right now. I don't know this guy, but I did. After sitting there and then we had to bring our sexual, what would we do bring our energy? Yeah, bring our range, yeah, yeah. Bring our range, like I had to bring like,

I wasn't really supposed to move, but I was just not saying anything, but bring like, get turned on in my own, and then bring that and and they could feel the waves I think we had you guys poor We did bring a rotation all of it was I loved it John Let's talk about what has changed or you're the work that you're doing around me to have to make me to the moment that The movement that's been going on for about a year now. I think when did the Harvey want in October?

Yeah, right and a lot longer than that, obviously. But I think that there is a lot of fear now that men are experienced on how do I approach women? And then the whole like getting consent and doing a video, do I have your consent to kiss you? I mean, all of it is very confusing. And then I've heard from some people like men are scared now, women are wondering like, you know, who can I trust or why aren't I my partner's actually bringing it? There's a fear. Yeah, even more so. So how are you dealing with this climate and working with people right now?

Yeah, okay, so the way that I'm doing with that is I'm having men Recognize first how much pain the collective feminine is in and this is not just current level Siong like this is literally for 200,000 years women were property. That's nothing, right? It's only been a few thousand years and a hundred years where women have had the right to vote in most, you know. Right? So for 200,000 years women were property. And this is living in the limbic system and the nervous systems of all women, right? And now there's kind of a waking up, like a collective waking up of the feminine. And men are confused because all of a sudden, this not just your anger about your life and your relationship to men and all of that, but generations of being raped and tortured and, you know, and

and shut down. Right. Yeah. So the first thing I'm trying to do is get men to see that and really feel like make a practice now of feeling deep into her pain and not just her pain but the collective pain of the feminine. And if you can start from there, the men can take that though. Well, you know, I just meant so many men access to the intellectual. Yeah. Well, yeah, okay. So like, yeah, it's painful, but I'm pain or rent right now.

Whatever guys are thinking, as I'm just saying or I'm doing this for her on that, it's not that bad. But we are talking about the suffering of women. Like it is out there, it's been there, we feel it. I just, I love that you're bringing, yeah. So I had an exercise on Saturday night, where I had all the men standing in front of the women, and we did that practice, sink your breath, look into her heart, you know, sink up with her.

And then I had the women say no in every possible way for as I don't must have been 10 minutes and they were yelling no, they were begging no, all the knows that they couldn't say. And the men were just weeping and the women were screaming and it was just this really beautiful experience of men feeling how much pain is in the feminine body. And so you, I guess you could try that at home. I think you should. Don't try this at home. But I understand the, I understand. But yeah, you have to decide to feel it, right?

It doesn't, it's not hard to actually feel somebody more once you decide to feel them more. You just have to make an intention to feel more. And, you know, of course, the exercise that to make an intention to feel more. Of course, the exercise that we just talked about helped that. No, definitely. I remember doing something on your retreat. I start there. Then from there, then you can start to feel like,

where is she a yes and where is she a no? But once you can feel like, hey, I'm she a yes and where is she a no? Right, but once you can feel like, hey, I'm in a lot of pain, and I actually have to be super impeccable for her to trust me and super present for her to trust me because she's caring not only mistrust of her whole life, but like for all women in a certain way.

And generations back, I don't know if you know this book, it didn't start with you. No. Great book about epigenetics, about how trauma gets passed down from generation to generation. No. Great book about epigenetics. No. About how trauma gets passed down from generation to generation. It's really, really freaking good book. Yeah, I would love to read that.

Anyway, so if men are doing that, then I'm just training them to start to get in sync with what women are going through, like this massive waking up. And if you do that, and then you go out on a date, like I just, when I was thinking about this, I was thinking like, would, you know, women are dying to be thrown up against the wall. It's a great example. Like, how would you like me to come on and say,

is it okay if I throw you up against the wall? No, like, okay, I just know. You could make me sound like I'm maybe hungry, not morning. Yeah, so, so men have to try to feel like, where is that moment where her eyes and her body tell me through immediate against the wall? So this is like the nonverbal consent. Totally, nonverbal.

Yeah, nonverbal. You have a great blog about it and a lot of posts on your website too, we can check out. But let's explain that, the nonverbal, what you're saying, reading into it, the body language. Yeah, so let's say I'm on a date with somebody, let's say I'm on a date. And I don't even have to let her know, but I'm slowing down, I'm looking into her eyes, I'm looking a date with somebody, right? Let's say I'm on a date. And I don't even have to let her know,

but I'm slowing down, I'm looking into her eyes, I'm looking deeper into her, I'm trying to breathe with her, like you just took an inhale, I'm with you. But not in a creepy, like, you don't have to say I'm in a, in a, in a, in a, attentive way. Right, you don't tell her like right now, I'm doing this thing, but you could actually,

it's accessible, successful to you at any moment. At any moment, yeah. Everyone should slow down all the time, sexually and even when you're in a date. So yeah, okay. You don't have to like brag about like, hey, baby, I'm getting really present right now. You know, it's just like, but you just, you slow it down and you start to put your awareness, like I have my awareness now on my thoughts, but if I put my awareness on you, meaning

I'm actually feeling you. When I put my awareness on you, that means I'm feeling you, not my own thoughts. Right. I could put my awareness on the room and feel, not my own thoughts. I could put my awareness on the room and feel the shape of the room. I could put my awareness on the braya and feel the car. So you train men to actually put their awareness on the partner that they're with and just begin to feel her. Feel what happens when she moves her hand this way. Is that feel good to her? And you can start to...

Is that to the nerve when you talk about training men and their nervous system and stuff is that we're talking about? Because I know you talk a lot about that. That's nervous system training. You can train your nerve, ninja do it, athletes do it. Like, you know, FBI interrogators do it. Like there's a lot, people have been trained

throughout the centuries to feel other people and feel where they're at and what they're doing and what's happening in the space. Well, as lovers, we can do that too. Right. Yeah. Okay. So when you're on a date, you're kind of feeling it

and really you're paying attention. And then you're paying attention. Paying attention meticulously. It's quizzed attention. Right. And not attaching judgment. Like, oh, she moved her hand. It must mean she's nervous or she wants to leave.

Like, people just also notice things and then they go off in their brain thinking it means something. When really if you just stop and you're noticing the movement, she's pulling back, she's moving forward and just feeling. She's opening her body and her heart to me or she's closing. Like for example, let's say we're on a date and I start talking really fast and I'm just kind of talking about myself and my career and everything that I'm doing and I do this

and I do that and I do this and I start to notice like your body starts to get tense which I probably would. Yeah, for sure. I just did. You stop breathing, right? And then I recognize like, oh, I'm nervous, I'm making her tense. And then I start to slow down my speech and then I watch and then I see your shoulders drop. I've just noticed what's happening with you.

And so let's say we keep going on the date and there's some fun and we're sitting, I move next to you in the chair and we're talking and the same thing. I pay exquisite attention to your body, intention or relaxation. And if it's in relaxation and I have this, we have a moment where our eyes lock

and I just kind of lean forward a little bit to you and your body, you take a breath or you relax or you sigh or you do something, then I know we're good and I can move and I can move forward. And it can actually be kind of hot, right? To kind of hold the tension, hold the tension. And so holding that tension a little bit longer would give you a piece of information like, hey, and then let's say from there, I'm holding the tension, but then I put my hand on your leg.

And there's like kind of an opening that happens, or there's a relaxation, or there's like, or maybe you sigh deeper, right? Then I know, okay, this is like, this is a yes. And I could keep doing that without asking you permission, you're giving me permission, permission because I'm so present. Okay, but let's talk about when this goes wrong. So why does this happen so often where a guy keeps trying a person, a partner,

you guys understand what I'm saying, which is easier to use the heterosexual amount? And he's put your hand, you move it away, puts his hand back, you, why is it so stupid? But that's like, I would say that's the majority of not even men, humans that I know. Yeah. In this world, you come and do their mostly unconscious. Yeah. So we're talking about bringing people who are mostly unconscious.

You know what, which other things really intense happens? Are there work like we get more conscious, but in these situations, you hear more about that like unwanted advances. Yeah. Because they're just unconscious. So it's kind of like, and I hope that for people listening, I'm like, oh, yeah, that has happened. So this is accessible to everybody.

If you find that, you know, I hear from people all the time, like, I kept making moves and it didn't happen, I get rejected. It's like, I really think slowing down and paying attention, like you're saying is like, would give you so many more answers. Well, if a man's having that, like real connections too. Yeah, if that's happening, if you're pushing my hand away, that means I have an established that base level of trust. Like, you're not feeling me feeling you. If you were feeling me feeling you, and there was attraction, and it was, you know,

it was a good day, then it probably would go different. But normally when that's not happening, a man is in the thought of, oh, I should be confident or I should be bold and I should go for it and I should do all that stuff without actually feeling her, that is also a kind of abuse, because then you're putting in a position where she has to say no, which is hard for her.

Let's talk about why it's, what can I say? Sorry, finish your thought there. I would just say if that's happening and for your listeners, if you're having the advances swatted away, slow down, try to see if you can get her to feel you feeling her. And you can note that by the cues that we talked about, breath, relaxation, softening of the eyes,

smiles, like it's not hard. You know, fuck, it's really not. It's really not. It's really not. It's really not. It's really not. Every moment. And they're simple.

You know, this is basic body language. It's a good practice too that if you guys, if you're someone who's dating right now and you're going out a lot, you're like, oh God, another date or you're not, you could do it at a party, you could do it, meeting someone, you know, lunch wherever, standing line for coffee. It's always available. So let's, what about the women What are you hearing from women in the sense of their feeling like right now in me to like the how can they Train their nervous system or how can women slow it down like what if a guy is being more unconscious or their partner and they want to bring it

So what do you go? What can the women do? You know, I again, it's hard. So the nervous system training for women is to learn how to say no. Well, that was my question. So what do you expect it to do? Not just like no. It's like a, like, like.

But we expect a hard time saying no. And that's also because there are years of being pleasers and trauma and we, when it was never okay to say no. You were beaten, abused and neglected, raped. I mean, all kinds of horrible shit. So really that is the work. How do we say no? Because not for the sake of saying no,

but like knowing what something feel, this is work I've had to do across in work, bedroom, boardroom everywhere. Like how do you know what you truly want? So you can't say no. Like I feel like I've often said yes to things just because it was easier. I think the no is so scary.

What's gonna happen if I say no? So really being again, slowing down, knowing in the moment, being able to feel what you really want. Yeah. As you want to yes, you know, it's fine. But a lot of times I hear from a lot of women who like would like to be a yes with the guy. Like that's why she went on the date with him because she she thought, Hey, this seems like a good guy. Let me go out. But they're on the date and she's not feeling him, feeling her. He's not, she's not feeling him.

And so her body's still a no. Even though intellectual, she's like, I want to give this guy a chance. And so there's a lot of women who are in that state of confusion, like I'm a maybe, like I'm a not yet. Right. I'm a, you know what I mean? And communicating that.

And so getting artful, I mean, I think the first step is women have to connect to their hearts. And that, you know, that is a yoga in and of that. And so getting artful, I mean, I think the first step is women have to connect to their hearts. And that is a yoga in and of itself. So I think, okay, what is my heart watching that? I was saying, my heart is opening way more lately, but it's been shut down for my entire, I mean parents and childhood traumas and not trusting that someone's gonna leave or abandon.

I think we all have that some more open, are they always really open and then you've got broken up with. I mean, I think mine should down. It's a young age. I don't remember. So it's been a practice opening and opening it. And it's just really just being conscious that it was closed and then being vulnerable. Yeah. And yeah. Also slowing down and being honest. But what is your, what have you seen through women? Yeah. Well, I think that, I mean, I think that, you know, it's hard to open your heart when you're not trusting the dude. And something that I suggest that women do a lot, which is in those moments where he's advancing and she's not ready,

she could say, she, look, would you, you know, I like you, would you like to know what I would need to trust you more? That's the word, that's the say, okay. And most guys, if they're worth their salt, they're gonna be, yeah, fuck yeah. I want to, like, tell me, how do I win here, you know? Like, I like you too. How do we make this work? And you might say, like, I just need you to slow down, or I need you to kind of stay with me,

or I need you to not check your phone, or I need you to not look at the way it dresses us, or I need you to, like, you know, look into my eyes, I need you to move a little, whatever it is. And then he's got information, and it hasn't caused a massive disconnection. She's giving him information and she's trusting him with her heart at some point, which men love. And I just think that's such an easy thing to do.

I love that practice. It's reminding me, yeah, it's just and using that word trust to to someone's like It's it how what other work we you we know what I would need to feel Not say what we I you know I mean you could get a little more flowery and say what I would need to open to you Yeah, what I would need to want to kiss you cuz even in the moment you're right exactly because there are some advances Like I think that oftentimes when you're meeting someone it's going too fast Maybe you're on a date or the first few dates, it's not that you wouldn't want to have sexual advances.

It's not that you wouldn't want to have sex. Maybe you feel that attraction but you're not ready yet. So to slow it down and say rather than just saying no, I don't want to, it's such a great way to let them know. No, no, I'm interested in you. I feel this connection but I need a few more things. It could just be you know what I would need to trust you. We need to go out again a few more times. Yeah, perfect. I need to see where you live. I need to few more things. It could just be, you know what I would need to trust you, we need to go out again a few more times.

Yeah, perfect. I need to see where you live. I need to know more about you. Because then they know that they're already understanding that you're interested, but you need something else. And then that's a challenge, right? Also for men in a way, I want to be that for you.

I know we talk about challenge and purpose of life, but also in the moment, I think. Well, another cute way to do this. I mean, you can do this without breaking any of this sexual energy. Like, for example, let's say you I mean, you can do this without breaking any of this sexual energy. For example, let's say you are making out, right? And it's kind of going hot and heavy. And then he slides his hand down your pants.

And it might just be like, you're not yet, or you haven't earned that yet. So there's artful ways for women to say no, assuming that the guy will listen, and we would hope he would, but what I see a lot in women is they don't want to rock the boat. And so they'll sell themselves out,

they'll sell their bodies out, they'll sell themselves out, their hearts out, because they wanna be a good girl, or they don't wanna rock the boat, or they don't wanna cause waves, and then they'll feel shitty afterwards going, like I really didn't wanna go that far far or I really didn't want to have sex. It's so common to go and talk about having sex. They just, they didn't want and I don't

not talking about necessary assault rate. I'm talking about just, well, I'll give them a blow job so I don't have to have sex or get shot at mop or because, oh, I owe it to them or I just should. I'm going to grin and bear it. I'm going to do it and I don't find men doing that at all. I feel like it's just women, this pleasing thing, I'm gonna do it. And I don't find men doing that at all. I feel like it's just women, this pleasing thing, this consciousness, and you're right, we do feel bad about it. And it almost becomes part of our,

like I give them a blowjob, I give them pleasure, but we don't, you know, it's not for us. Well, you're actually training him to be mediocre. It's true, you're training it. Yeah, you're training it because if you're hard to know because he's not fully conscious or fully present Right, and you go along with it. How the fuck is he gonna know like he's just kind of being a guy and going I think she's we don't know we don't know more dance. Yeah, yeah, so so we're like she always wanted to give me a blowjob

They love what a generous woman, right? So, so you're actually training him whereas you're actually like saying, okay, well, I can just be mediocre in my awareness, my attention, my movement, my just way of being, and I'll get a blow job. Right. Lucky me, right? Versus if you would say like,

if there would be more of I would need, or just, you know, know like it's kind of swatting away or sometimes sometimes I think women can go so much farther than they think. I think so too. They could smack them on the shoulder and but and like say no, not yet or you haven't earned this yet or or not yet. Not yet. Not you go down to me for 30 minutes, I'm off for that. Yeah, well there you go. There you go. There could be all kinds of stipulations, but I think that the big point is that when women...sell themselves out is the best way I could describe it, right? Their heart's not in it, and they go farther than they want to anyway. You're

basically training the man to not pay attention Right, and then he'll continue to do that as long as you're together And then here you are a three four five six two years down the road and your like body feels shitty because you're having sex with a guy Who doesn't pay attention, right? And you're not having pleasure and you're not sick-ficking orgasms It's like you're like you're giving you're doing a disservice here for this guy and all the other people he's with, like you just know, be honest, get your own pleasure. I think once we train women to get out of that cycle of being pleaders, because men,

you were here for men like, oh, I kept going down and all the time, I should stop doing that, or like, why do I keep having sex with women? I guess you're a man. You know what I'm saying? It's very different. It's different.

I keep having sex with women, I don't want to have sex. Actually, I do hear that. I do hear that too, that's what I'm saying. Like, I can't stop sleeping with women I tend to every night, but I mean like more like it's more like about the nuanced acts that you do like I've definitely had sex or Given blow jobs or done something just as like let me get out of this situation now that it's horrible But just like it'll be easier to say yes than no Yeah, and that's just not true

It's just that women are not as practicing no and the more you say no and you really feel the no and you realize the response is even more respect in getting what you want, it'll get a lot easier for women. John, Wyland, we're gonna take a quick break and give a shout to our sponsors and we're gonna come back. I have a few more questions for you. We're gonna answer some emails. Okay, everyone, thanks for supporting our sponsors.

We'll be right back. Okay, I'm with John Wyland. Okay, John, let's talk more about like what is nonverbal consent? We're talking about how to read body language and is a no really no what's a yes, but let's talk a little bit more about that. How we can really get that for men and for women. Yeah, well, we kind of touched on the yes and the nose, and the not yet is kind of a good one, right?

Because it is not yet. Yeah, sometimes it's not yet, like I'm kind of into you, but this is, you know, if you're just going too fast for me. Or I'm just tired right now even, like it doesn't mean a rejection, right? It's just not now, so. Okay. So the trick is, is if you can continue to make yourself

an invitation, meaning your heart's not shutting and you're not really saying no, so your body's still open and you're playful and looking in the out flirty, I guess would be a good way to put it, and you're moving his hand off. And so that's a great way to say, like, that's a great way to say not yet, right? And most men who are worth their salt will get that. I think that it's not like most men are predators, most men are horny, right? And most men are slightly unconscious, exactly. And most men are unconscious, but they don't want to hurt you, right? And so they, those

verbal cues of, we talked about men paying attention, and I personally think that men are 100% responsible for paying attention, and really leading any moment, leading a date, leading a sexual moment. Not only is her body open or not open, but is there something going on inside of her? Okay. You know, for example, is there something emotional that I can sense that's not resolved that if we had sex. It's a practice though.

Yeah, but, you know, but, but, but again, I think that if guys make the intention, like I'm going to feel if us having sex is good for her. Right, that you can tell, you're right. There's like the art of the deal and business, you can feel things, you can bring this right into the bedroom, you're absolutely right. Let's talk about the leading concept

with men and women in the leading in the bedroom. Leading in the kitchen. I think it starts with what we just said, right? If a woman is going to surrender her heart and body to me, which is what sex is, real good sex. And is she ready for that? Am I ready for that? Are we ready for that?

Is there clarity around what this is? Is this one night stand? Is this a fling? Is there something more of this possible? And making sure that that's clearly communicated is a great part of leadership. So if we're dating and we're on the third date, and it's like feeling like we want to have sex, but I can feel that I'm not ready for relationship

and you really want one. And I go ahead and have sex with you, right? Knowing that you're going to get more connected, that's just the way the body works, that's the way nature works. I'm a bit of a dick. Really, right? Because I'm putting my need for instant gratification

over your heart. And I don't necessarily feel great about it afterwards. You know what I mean? I might have a little bit of like, oh, I got laid. But that's not the most guys. Like I said, most guys want to be good guys. And I just think there's a matter of making the decision that I'm going to feel whether this is good for everybody.

Is the world a better place if we have sex than I hate? Exactly, right. Like, after I thought how am I going good way, but it's like, right. Like, after I thought, how am I gonna feel, but sometimes I just feel like, I'm just trying to think about people who are into sleeping with a lot of partners because that builds up their own ego.

Again, they're not that conscious, I suppose. So, and he's just doing it for sport and to feel really good about themselves. It's usually in addictions. They're covering up some kind of either deep pain, or I mean, you know this, right? This is your feeling. Yes.

And so we're talking more about people who are decent people and wanting to really like have good sex. And so the consent thing, I think, I think if women would trust their nose and they're not yet and would try to, let's put this way, trust that the man will not leave. Trust that love won't be taken away. It's such a good point. We're so afraid of being abandoned. So, it's gonna break up with us, leave us,

either because of a childhood wound, you're happened to you and you were in fifth grade. Somebody doesn't matter, but there is this fear of like, if I say no to sex, I don't give a blowjob. I don't say yes to dinner and whatever it is. I say no to something, I don't give a blowjob. I don't say yes to dinner and whatever it is. You know, I say no to something that it's all taken away. Yeah.

It's just so much power in the saying no when you, and you realize it doesn't get taken away. It's a practice though to trust process. It's a, it's a spiritual practice to think like, I'm going to not act as if I'm going to lose love by any decision that I make. Right. Yeah. Coming from a place of love truly loving yourself is what it is. Yes. to not act as if I'm going to lose love by any decision that I make. Right? You're coming from a place of love, truly loving yourself. That's what it is.

Yes. Yeah. And him, because again, you are not doing him any favors by giving him a blow job when he hasn't been present enough to really earn it. Right. And we think that we're exactly, if he's not earning it and we think it's going to get us something. But what is it that you want from that?

Like the reason I think we're saying yes is, or it's either because we think, well, if I do this, then I'm going to get this. Like it's a quid pro quo or something, but it's also, yes, it's just easier because it means the person won't leave. So I'm going to get something, a physical actor, I'm just not going to have the loss of love that you find doesn't happen, which I think is just an important message. Okay, John, there's so many more things I wanna talk about here. And so I have some emails from the listeners.

I'd love for you to help me answer them because I think we're gonna get into even some more couples dynamics and what goes on in relationships and dating. Okay, everyone, I love answering your questions. It's why I do what I do. If you want your question answered on the show, text Ask Emily, all one word,

to 797-779, fill out the short form. And if you wanna be answered on the show, text Ask Emily all one word to 797979, fill out the short form. And if you want to be called on the show, just put yes, a little yes in the box. I love doing our call shows. There's so much fun. Johnny should come back for call show. It's so great because you can get into it. And so do that. We love it. You can be anonymous, you can change your name, work with that, or go to my website, sexofmu.com, click on the Ask Emily tab, and include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Okay, this is from Florenceia, she's 22. Hey Emily, I'm a fairly new listener, and I love the show.

I'm 22, my boyfriend is almost 34, and everything is great, except for how I feel about sex. I feel like it's a nourishing, healthy, and loving relationship, but many times having sex is a chore. Before we got into the relationship, I feel like I loved him, but that attraction and fire I feel when I see a very hot guy just wasn't there. I love his personality, and I'd say he's pretty good in bed, only person who's ever been able to make me come, although just orally. I feel like if I don't start feeling very physically attracted to my boyfriend, I'll end up cheating

on him or breaking up, which crushes me because I love him. It's not like I'm repulsed. I just don't feel that, oh my god, I want to fuck you so bad that I felt in the past. This stresses me because I feel like my boyfriend is the one I want to marry, but at the same time, I'm missing out on things other 22-year-olds do. Please help. So I like this question because yeah, it's true. She's young.

A lot of times I'm like, you're 22 and I think about that but I get the whole like first of all the missing out thing but most importantly that that early stage is when it's so great and the the chemicals are flying and you're really you're so into and then you're like am I really attracted to this person after a few months a few years together and I think it's classic that it can fade after a while and attraction is really important part of any relationships. And I love these giving you orgasms, but it sounds like there could be something else going outside the bedroom. Maybe she's not as, you know, connect to them in other ways. There could be other things in the relationship.

So what would be your take on this? Yeah. Well, I think it goes to the thing we started with, which is if a woman's attraction to a man is more about the trust, like I trust him to take me someplace deeper than I can take myself more often than just the physical. Whereas for men, it's often more in the physical, right? Physical and energetic, right? Can she give me the energy that's going to nourish me and light me up? Can I trust this man with my deepest heart?

If she's not feeling attraction, it kind of goes to what we were talking about. He's not connecting deeply to her. He's not feeling deeply into her. He's not paying attention to her body. He's not taking her someplace that she couldn't take herself. I just wrote a piece on why you get ghosted or why you get left. Oh, what? Okay. And the whole thing I came to is if you're a masculine partner and you're in a situation like, you know, threads, yeah, right? If she leaves, it's because he didn't take her someplace that she knew she longed to go, right? There's a place in her

heart, there's a place in her body, there's a place in sex, there's a level of surrender, there's all of those things that she, um, into it, it were possible and he wasn't taking her there, so she will look elsewhere. If he was taking her there, right, she would have to do that. So how do we get to their twit? How, so what would this conversation be like? She's listening to the show. But how would she not she like you need to take me somewhere? But I don't even know where I want to go because so many people don't even know what they want but they're not getting it. Right. She's like I don't know what it is but how would they start this couple? Well I would start with the what I would need like what I would need in

order to want to surrender more sexually. What I would need to be more turned on. What I would need to be more turned on, what I would need to feel more... Let's give some examples of that. Let's just pretend we don't know Florence, all we know is that she's having orgasms, but she can't quite put her finger on it. So I'm gonna push her, she's still like,

oh, I don't know, everything's great, but eventually you guys, we do know. Yes, you can do it. Everything's not great Florence is. So some examples could be like, what I would need is you to, maybe he works a lot It could be he's 12 years a maybe if you worked less if you could make more time for the relationship

I would trust you more go slower go slower during sex. I would trust you more Like a you know low torch. Yeah, right exactly What I would need is to be romance command me more Right tell me what to do yeah tell me what to do like tell me what to take take you know to be more. To be more. To be more. To be more. To be more. To be more fierce. I want to feel more of your killer. I want to feel more of your, like I want to feel more of that ravished energy. And if he does it, if he does it one night, like let's say, and she really lets him know

how much she loves it, he will make a note. He will continue to reinforce it. And I'm just like, if this baby, that was great. What's the best way to listen? I feel like I compliment people on my partner and he's like, he just goes right over him. But I know we like, we all like words of compliments, but there's no-

Compliment them in the moment with excessive energy. So let's say he, you know, he does something, he pins your arms down or something and you love it. Right. You could just go, huh, or you could like amplify it. I like it. Yeah. Like, like, like, an oh my god is great. Right. It's not like you're lying, right. But you're actually just practicing amplifying the energy, which men are more dense or nervous systems. Right, because you connect that energy with your words, I totally get it. Yeah, so like an, oh my God.

And then he will know. And then if he does something that you're not crazy about, and you just kind of give him, right? So you're directing him in bed, right? He touches you a certain way, and you're like, but then when he touches you beautifully, you're like, ah, right. That's where all the noise comes from, you guys, the point.

Because usually when something's great, we want to make more noise. Only if it's natural, you're like, That's where all the noise comes from, you guys, the porn. Because usually when something's great, we want to make more noise. Only if it's natural, you're not irritating something. Don't lie, but if you animate it, you will feel it more. And you'll be training him how to do the things that you like. And then after sex, you can say like, Oh my God, baby, when you like splat my ass like that,

I just, I went to them, I went to a different planet. Right, right, exactly. And again, men want to win, and winning is making you feel, slap my ass like that. I went to them. I went to a different planet. Right. Right. Exactly. And again, men want to win, and winning is making you feel like we've taken you someplace you can't take yourself. So no, I hear that it's so true. I hear this though, and what I'm hearing back as her boyfriend going, well, what do you mean?

How do you want me to lead in the bedroom? I feel like that. I hear that from a lot of listeners. They're always saying, she told me she wants me to pick control, but I don't know what that looks like. And I just keep saying you got to ask them. Tell her, ask her to explain to you what it might look like for you to take control. But there's so much more conversations that have to happen. So you, well, that's tricky because then she's leading, right? Which is she's now she's in the masculine. I feel like guys, I'm what if he says back to, I don't know

what that means, which happens all the time, John. So you're right, it's very hard not to lead then, so you would tell her not to explain it. I try to teach women to do what we just talked about. Energetically. Make it an energetic like train him with your pleasure. So she would say, what I need you to do, what I would really need to trust you more is for you to take more control.

And then he's gonna email me next, we can say my girlfriend asked me to take control in the bedroom when I don't know what it means. And then I'll often say, ask her. Watch porn to have her point out things that she likes and you're saying he should just, that's all great. Well, I mean, you can send,

they're like, I don't know what it means to throw against the wall. I'm just trying to break it down to like people. I can't do much with. Be more fierce. Look at me in the eye. Grab me hard. Like the more that she gives him feedback

that he can literally do in the moment, in a moment. Right, take more control. He's very specific. Be specific, like. A specific as you can be. Grab my throat, pull my hair, look deeply into my eyes. Talk dirty to me. Right, we did a whole thing on talking dirty, right?

Oh yeah, and people are all fucked up around me. I know, let's talk about that for a dirty to me. Right. We did a whole thing on talking dirty, right? Did you? Oh yeah, and people are all fucked up around. I know, let's talk about that for a second though. What were they fucked most? They've got to say it, what to do. Well, because guys' nervous systems are freak out about actually saying, you know, I want to grab your throat and put you in. Right.

Or I'll rip your fucking heart out. But if it's done with a wide open heart and that limbic connection we talked about, it's sexy. If it's not, I mean, if you're connected, you can say the most heinous things to each other. Exactly. You really can't. That's kind of hard. I want you to call across the floor and lick my toe.

Yeah, exactly. And you're on it. Yeah, I did yes. Whatever. Yes. So the more specific she can get with him, the better. I think it's more specific. The better the better.

Okay. Thank you. This is from Andrew 59 in California. Hello. I have many new challenges in my life. I'm a newly recovering alcoholic two years sober. Now I find myself living an actual life after many years of avoiding that. In fact, I found a woman I really like and were dating.

It's pretty clear that sexual relations are in the cards. However, I haven't had any intimate relations for about a decade. It's pretty terrifying. I have many issues with anxiety over the expected male performance, but really the most complex issue is rediscovering trust, intimacy, and sensuality that I've been away from that for so long. Do you have any advice for people in recovery whose life has opened up to feelings that have been dormant for so long.

God bless you, man. I'm 23 years over. Well, that's why I thought this would be a great question for you as well, because I've a lot of friends and you've gone through this too in life. Again, that is a really hard thing when you get people use alcohol, perhaps, to numb. That's easier to make advances than be intimate, but when you don't have the absence of that, what would you say tear to Andrew? I mean, I think. So I would, you know, I think we covered it.

Okay. Pay attention, slow down, use breath to stay in your body, relax the front of your body, practice feeling her heart. Don't actually start having sex before you're having sex. So that means you can start to feel her and breathe with her and feel inside of her and feel, you know, and literally begin the act of sex way before there's even touching or kissing, right? And at the moment that there's that sexual polarity, command her a little bit, come sit next

to me, baby. Right? Come sit next to me. Come sit on my lap. That's sex in my world, right? You know what I mean? No, it's true. Be kidding.

But I think also though, that I want him to also, I'm hearing this, that to take the pressure off, because I think that 10 year, this is when he's even with him, I think there might be some fear of even going to lunch right now and starting to date and put it out there and there's this fear of like it's been so long and how am I going to do it and I would say it might be a little awkward at first. Like it probably is but I think the more you do it, you realize it's so much easier to be present and to be attention to what's going on in the moment and I think just the more honest you can be and again that you don't have to be jumped toward sex right now, you could also just date people, go to lunch with them. It's our practicing being around women, being around their energy again, because if you

had actually haven't even really gone there at all, you could have a bunch of lunches, you could just decide it's going to be just practice the art of flirting, and the art of like being with women without the expectation that it is going towards sex, because then what's, you know, men also need need that trust and they want to feel connected. So I think that just putting yourself out there and doing it will become easier or time. Again, once you get back into it. I like what you said about training your nervous system to be around the feminine again. And literally, you know, taking that in and practicing going with two or three women

and then practice really breathing and paying attention. Like you can actually practice on dates, have practice dates where you go out and you practice doing these things where nothing happens, but you just hone your skills of paying attention, trying to lead a little better,

trying to set the container, rather than say, hey, where do you want to go? I don't know, what do you want to go? Like you're like, you plan? Yeah, make a plan. Yeah, make a plan. Own the whole thing, open or door, walk her in, literally hold the container for her, and practice that.

So I love that idea. Train your nervous system to get used to the energy of dating again. Right, and just go out with women. Even if you want to be friends with them, people from meetings, just practice that. idea, train your nervous system to get used to the energy of dating again. Right. And just go out with women. Even if you want to be friends with them, people from meetings, just practice stuff. Okay. Good advice. You will be fine.

Okay. So we've got another one. This is from April 26th, Indiana. Hey, Emily, I'm so happy to have found your show. I think it's so important to remember that sex is one of the most beautiful parts of life and that our pleasure can go far beyond what we imagine. My husband and I have been married for almost three years. Neither of us were virgins we met, but we decided to wait until marriage to sleep with each other. We ended up having some very unique circumstances in our first year

marriage that led to my husband having a lot of anxiety around sex. My main question is about how I could be more in charge in the bedroom. He is amazing in the bedroom and puts a lot of energy into pleasing me. We're always in positions where he's in control more in charge in the bedroom. He is amazing in the bedroom and puts a lot of energy into pleasing me. We're always in positions where he's in control and doing more of the work. I'm very generous with offering blow jobs and hand jobs, but I'd like to be more in charge during intercourse. The standard girl in top position hurts my hips. I'm also not great with my stamina to be the one thrusting, but I'd like to get better.

What positions are tips to have for me to rock his world where he sits back and relaxes? Thanks again for all you do. I look forward to hearing from you. So I read this and I was like, huh, you know, it's less about the positions and more about her kind of letting go sexually and talking to him because she's making assumptions here that he gives me so much so I should give to him. And we don't even know that he thinks that. So I also think that you have to let go more that rather than come in like Emily told me to do this booning position or do some reverse cow girl.

Because we don't, again, we don't know that's what he wants. I don't even know if that's what you want. And so I think you both have to work together and take charge of your sex life is what I'm feeling rather than being reactive to that. And that'll leave some of the pressure I think on both ends. So what did you... Yeah, you know what came to me is what men love in bed.

And what men love is cockroach. Oh, good. I love some straight forward penis talker, yes. So that doesn't, that means like, so maybe you like sit him back in a chair and you get a bunch of roses and you rub them up and down his cock and you like literally bring the, I don't know, the sense of like the worship of cock.

Like I am sucking divine cock right now. And if he feels you feeling that, there's not much better on the planet. There's not much better. Rather than just like the perfunctory blowjob. I gotta give you a blowjob. I love these things. When I first read this earlier,

I was like giving you, I'm generous and I'm awful blow-dips. And I thought to myself, I want her to learn to love the blowjob. I want women. If you're giving you blowjob, don't just, I gotta do it with your eyes closed. Like, how do you teach women though to learn? It's been a while since I've talked with this.

Like really worshipping. Just like we want them to worship our pussy. Yeah. Yeah. It feels like, oh, but it's gross. And I do have to close my eyes. How do I teach that? I mean, I think it really is a practice. And once you do it, it might seem silly,

but yeah, no guys would be like, stop worshipping. Well, well, there's the thing. The way that you could do this, if you believe in the divine, you could actually feel all men through his cock. You could feel everything happening in the universe through his cock. You could literally feel God if that's where you want to go with this through his cock. But if he feels you worshipping the deepest part of him, worship is much different. Worshipful blowjob is one of the greatest things on a planet.

I think most guys would agree with me on that, where her heart is breaking, giving you because she loves you so much through this blow job. And the second piece is if you animate your pleasure at giving it. So if you have any pleasure at all, I'm not saying you should fake it, but if you have any pleasure at all in giving the blowjob. That's like the link, yeah.

If you animate it, like just let him know how much you're enjoying this, right? That is also the most remarkable thing. And that can happen in any position, that can happen with a hand job, that could happen with the blowjob, that could happen just with full body, tickling. I mean, you know, worship itself is one of the most

underrepresented sexual practices around. I totally agree. Taking turns and worshipping women as well. But I think the one thing is when men and we'll go back to that, how can men do this for women? But I think it's funny because women, I think that, but I often when I talk about blood, I was with the men have always said this since I've interviewed them, what's your idea of a purple bloat job? They're like enthusiasm. I want to know the truth.

And it's exactly what you're saying. You know, like you're licking the most delicious ice cream cone and that it's amazing, but it's really is about, guys don't want you to give this boring ass. Like, oh my god, when am I going to get through it? Like you're swallowing medicine. Like, you have to be in it. And even if it's also a practice of learning to be into it,

because you're like, but I never have been, I believe that many women, or whoever giving a blowup could learn to actually learn to love it, because it becomes part of your own art in a way. Yeah. What about for men who have, you know, that come to you or like want to learn how to, you know, worship women more?

What would you tell them? Do you think it goes the same? I would give, I just, in fact, that just gave this practice to somebody this morning. And you know, lay her down, right? Spread her legs, set up like a, set up like a sacred space, like put music on. Maybe there's candles, right? Like literally create a space for worship. And then take your time with that whole lower part of your body as if you are

entering the gates of heaven because you are. You are. And if you can feel past her, you know, just past her pussy, past everything that we're taught, you know, focus on the clip, you know, all those kinds of things, you can feel past that into the depth of her heart and the core of her and you can feel as she's getting turned on her heart opening, you're going to be very turned on yourself and then it's the same thing. Enthusiasm also works for men as well. Like if she can tell you're, you know, this is like honey that you're licking. She's going to be very turned on. And that's also, I love that practice. Yes, because I think I often, I'm thinking about the guys who are saying, Oh, my neck hurts, whatever.

It's uncomfortable. You can create a position because I pictured I'm like, what can't, you know, she moved the edge of the bed or the couch and you can choose your position here. If you're going to go down and worship, we're cool. You take in time to set things up. So it's comfy for both of us. Absolutely set things up. Like, let us know you're settling in. I always say the best thing you can tell a woman is like when you're performing oral because there's a lot of women

who have anxiety about receiving just saying, baby, I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna be here all night settling. Yeah, because we don't we want to know that you want to be there. But if you're setting up an altar, like that's the next level. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. And then you can relax because you can feel that I've got it. This is not just of some chore that I'm doing. This is a fucking sacred act that I am blessed to have the opportunity to do. And the last thing I'd say about that is make it goalless. If there's any goal at all, it's like, I want her to feel how much I love her through the way I'm licking her.

Or just out the goal of orgasm. true. Without the goal of orgasm. Yeah, without the goal of orgasm, you know what I mean? I mean, we can get it a technique, you know, figuring it out. I mean, you can do all that kind of stuff, but it's really all of that doesn't happen and it's not proper unless she can feel your heart again, feeling her heart. And once you do that, you can get as nasty as all you have. Exactly. You have more likely to get your needs met

once you guys connect on that level. John Wyland, I love this, our second show. Thank you so much for being here. Yeah, that's my question. So much wisdom, we're dropping so much wisdom. I love it. It was fun talk. Yeah, it was really fun.

So everyone can check you out, JohnWyland.com, W-I-N-E-L-E-N-D, all your social media. We can post it all on our show notes. Your book's coming soon. Yep. I understand that everything that you're doing is sold out but is there a weight list? There's the weight list for couples and women for the workshops I have. I have a couple spots for women left in New York in two weeks if any of your listeners

are in New York. Is it for a weekend? It's for a weekend, yeah. Women's weekend. And if you are a man I have a few, three or four spots left in LA for November. So those are the only two things that I have. It's a weekend as well. Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Great. Good luck with your book and everything. Working with all the stuff. Well, crazy shit. We're talking. Yeah. It's great. You guys, it's very powerful work.

I went. I've been wanting to go back with my boyfriend perhaps. We will talk about that offline. Thank you, John, for being here. Thank you. Thank you. My amazing listeners. I love you all. And to my team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael, was it good for you?

email me feedback at sexwithamlite.com. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you.

I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you. I'm going to be a fan of you.