Sex With Emily - Epic Sex with Layla Martin

Episode Date: November 1, 2017

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Layla Martin, the headmistress of Tantra to talk about reconnecting with your body when you’re sexually and emotionally detached, how to get women to stop staring at the orgasm clock, and ways to raise your sexual energy. Emily and Layla discuss how to be more in-tune with your body’s sexual responses, alternative practices for enhanced pleasure, and how to have full body orgasms. This show will help you improve your sex and intimacy–– with a little Jedi-like pelvic focus and some much needed release. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Intensity, Hello Fresh, DONA, Magic Wand Rechargeable Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Leyla Martin, the head mistress of Tantra and Pleasure, and we're talking sex, relationships, and everything in between, including reconnecting with your body when you're sexually and emotionally disconnected. Why women should stop staring at the orgasm clock? Alternative practices to enhance sexual sensation, and how to bring up your turn-ons to a new partner right away. Hey, life's too short for bad sex. All this and more, thanks for listening. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO They're gonna get through my eyes. They call them in a bike on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. And we not talk about sex so much. Are you kidding me?

Oh my god. I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you can check out so many things, our

podcasts, and if our mailing list. We love when you subscribe, and I love hearing from you in social media. It's all at Sex with Emily across the Board, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter. Also, you guys, we do update the website every day. We've got blogs, we've got videos, everything else you want to know about Sex with the M.A.L.I., Helena who works with us, wrote six tricks to treating yourself when you have kids.

So I know when you give birth and your mind-body connection is all off, it's just challenging. So she gives some great tips, easy tips, you can take your life back at least some of your time back when you are a mom. So check that out on the website. So I'm gonna jump into my guest here. I'm really excited to have Layla Martin on the show.

Welcome Layla. Layla is, she brings a lot of wisdom to the topic of sex and sexuality and you know, she's got a way of speaking about sex that's really authentic and real, and she teaches courses. She started studying sexuality at Stanford University, and then she went to the jungles of Asia and spent years studying tantra, working with a lot of masters and gurus,

and she's done a lot of healing around her own trauma, which we're gonna get into, and she has great programs that helps couples, individuals that kind of deepen their sexual power and their capacity. And if you've heard about the Jade Egg, the infamous Jade Egg that's been around for a long time, but you've actually let's kind of brought it to maybe a more mainstream look, let's say bring it to the States or to the world, but it really was something that's from how

many thousands of years ago. Definitely. Yeah, it first gets talked about 2, 2000 years ago, mostly, in China. And then, yeah, it's just blown up in the last like two years, especially in the United States. So that's exciting. So if I'm just saying if that's if you need a reference, you might have heard of through the the J-Dec will get into that.

But welcome to the show. Thank you so much. Great to have you here. We met a few months ago at a party randomly, and I was like, oh wait, there's a note in my film that I should talk to you. And now here we are. So I love it. Absolutely. And so I'd love to hear about your experience. Like if you could just start out how you got into this, your story, and I want to hear what the jungle's in Asia and all that stuff. So let's start with that so people can kind of understand your background. There's

a lot to unpack today. I'm excited. So yeah, I mean, I guess it started being sexually abused as a kid. And so I had such a broken relationship to sexuality. I the first time I ever had an actual boyfriend and we tried to like hook up, I literally went into a state of shock and couldn't speak and couldn't even move like I froze and I didn't even know what was going on. And I remember he just dropped me off at my house because he was like, I don't know what to do with you. And I was literally just like shaking and I just lay my hands. Exactly. How old were you then? I was 15 when that happened. Okay. Wow. And I know what a trauma response was. Right. So I just thought I was super messed up. Oh my God. So what did you do after that?

So, well, your 15 and your first experience was like, so this is sex, I'm having this horrible reaction. Yeah, and feeling sick and just gross in my body. That was my early sexual experiences. So then I was like, okay, I'll just drink and take drugs. Right. Because I definitely don't want to feel what that was ever again.

So it was like another seven years. And what kind of actually tipped off my healing was that I finally had a boyfriend who was like, I want to connect with you during sex. Like I want to look in your eyes. Like I love you and I want to feel you. And I got so sick that I actually threw up because it was just so traumatic and so grout,

like the feelings were so intense inside of my body. So I was like, I think I gotta go, you know, work this out. So that's when I first started seeing my first, basically, sexual healers and sex therapists and things like that. And that sort of started the journey of sexual healing. And I also, I think, just always had a sense that people were disconnected from their bodies

and that it was affecting their whole lives. And I didn't have like a eureka moment. I just grew up in the suburbs of Colorado. And I was gonna ask where you grew up. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I grew up in like the culinary and little and Colorado. And I was like, you know, people just, they don't seem happy, okay. Yeah, I grew up in like the columninary in Little Sincalarado and I was like, you

know, people just, they don't seem happy, they seem repressed, they seem like there's not a lot of honesty going on, not a lot of authenticity. Like, I want to figure out how to shift this in myself and then shift it in people. I kind of always had this sense that like we're only scratching the surface of what's possible for humans. And so I started studying and focusing on sexuality at university.

And I really felt that that was a huge key. That because people were so repressed and so disconnected from their sexuality, it was also resulting in that kind of hollowness and lack of authenticity in all areas of their life. Right, right. And I think that that was really wise that you had that insight.

I think a lot of people are just coming to that now that even understanding the word like disconnected and spirituality and breathing, I think it's a really good time to be talked about this because maybe even back, you know, even 10 years ago, maybe when you start like people still weren't at that place now and I think right now, I don't know, I just feel like there's a consciousness around this. So you had this abuse and trauma when you were young, how old were you? Starting when I was like two or three. Right. Okay.

And then when you had your first sexual experience and you were 15 in this, trauma response, had you already been aware that you, did you remember the trauma or you were kind of at repressed at her? At that point, I didn't. Right. And I, I was so, like, I used to pray to God every single day because I was always Catholic that I would never become a woman. And I would, like, always, I couldn't even, like, take a bath or shower and make it.

I would put on a swimsuit because I didn't want to look at my own body. I couldn't go into, like, a Victoria's Secret Store. I was too freaked out by anything around that. And it wasn't, like, I wasn't having conscious memories. I just didn't go there. You just knew what, right? Okay.

And so then I'm certain, so the first thing you did was you went into probably talk traditional talk therapy, which a lot of us do, which I think can be really important place for a lot of people to go and to start and do a lot of healing in talk therapy. But I think with, so was there something, did that help you at all? Or was it kind of like just your opening gateway?

Or was it kind of like, eh? Well, two things. The first was, yes, I think having a conversation is the first step. And for some people, that's such a big opening, but it really is just the start of the deepest healing. And I was lucky. I mean, I lived in the Bay Area, so I did get sent to like a somatic therapist. Okay.

And I remember going in and like I freaked out. I like wasn't going to pay her. I was acting all weird because it was the first person I ever worked with that wanted me to like go inside my body And I just started acting literally like nuts like I was like I didn't like literally wasn't going to pay her And I'm not like that usually it was like my body was going Wow because of it and she asked me she was like what do you feel because I would just talk and talk and talk and talk and I was like I don't feel anything like she was like what are, what are you feeling in your stomach right now? And I just remember that being such a crazy concept.

So it's so interesting when you talk about this numbing. So what you're talking about is having like no sense of a feeling when a therapist asks you where you feel things. And it's funny because I have talked about this before on the show that that was my first. And I didn't have sexual trauma, but I had just trauma like a bee of stuff that divorce, which is so common.

I think people think of trauma as being less, you know, there's like trauma with the big tea, trauma with a little tea, but the result for whatever the trauma is is that we kind of shut down because we're in survival mode. And so it's interesting. I've never heard anyone say in that exact way where I did go to therapy in the Bay Area. And she was like, where do you feel whatever? I remember feeling at 25, I was like, I actually only feel anxiety.

They're like, do you feel happy? Where do you feel happiest? And then like, just anxiety, that's it, that's about all. I was like, that's not really a feeling. And I remember the first time someone asked me, like, do you feel it in your stomach, your heart? It was bizarre. And now I'm realizing the more I talk about, that that actually is more common for people

but they don't actually go off and figure out why. And that took me a long time too to figure out, like, what do you mean? So I just go and talk to everybody for years, like, put a down payment on a house now. So I think the work you're doing, I'm thinking, like, if I could get that money back. And that's what it was to help for you guys. I know I think, but it's just, there's other work to do. There's a lot of different, which is so amazing. There's so many modalities, and you just kind of find

what works for you, but a lot of it is about connecting to your body. We are disconnected, especially now. Even if you didn't have trauma, we are more connected to our phones. I just got a dog to them, and I think, okay, where's my phone? Oh, wait, the dog's still inside, but I'm looking for my phone.

The disconnect. So you went to the therapy, you're like, I don't know where I feel the dog's still inside, but I'm looking for my phone. The disconnect. So you went to the therapy, you're like, I don't know where I feel. So my therapy, then what happened? Well, then I went for about a year and I didn't feel anything and it was frustrating. And then something sort of cracked inside

and I remember just feeling awful all the time. And I think sometimes people don't really talk about this enough in that first stage of learning to feel because I had felt so powerful I'd like started traveling the world when I was 15 I felt invincible and like it was literally because I was living for my head and I started feeling my body and I was like oh There's some gnarly feels in here like yeah I feel insecure and I feel awful and I'm starting to have memories of my dad and like everything was coming out. And I don't know what gave me the sense

that it was important to keep going because that I think is really important. And you can have this first kind of opening of the Pandora's box. And I had a sense that I, you know, as whatever it was that I had to go through, I wasn't gonna be satisfied living in my head for the rest of my life.

And that if I wanted real meaning and real magic and like the kind of life that I had to go through, I wasn't gonna be satisfied living in my head for the rest of my life. And that if I wanted real meaning and real magic and like the kind of life that I was born to live, it really was through my body. And I'm so grateful that I had that knowing somehow because it really was like another four years of hell. And I remember a woman who had been, it's actually because at the time that was kind of mentoring me by her father.

And she was like, look, it took me 10 years, you know, and I'm type A. So I'm going to knock this shit out of the park in life. I don't do. It's going to be a month, you know. I'm just going to go to therapy and it's going to be done, and I'm going to have it solved. And I remember, you know, it was 10 hard years, but it was for excruciating years to really go in there and feel it, right?

So I feel like when you're going to that kind of despair, four years of just like, what was your mental condition? Like, were you able to function? Were you able to have a job or work or school? I did go to school. I was functional, reasonably functional, and I also had a sense of rage, and I definitely cared to chip on my shoulder about the fact that there was no understanding about this in society. Like when I really woke up to the fact of how much pain I was in and how messed up I felt inside of my body

and I was like, wait a minute. Like one in three, one in four of us have been through this and there's not like a safe house on every corner and every street at the hospital. Yeah, exactly. And like no one understands, you know, you don't tell your employer, like, oh, I realized that I was actually abused,

and my life has turned into a hellish shit show, is there any kind of social support? I tried to talk in university, and I remember it got real weird, real fast, and people were really concerned about me, and it just, there was no healthy way to talk about it in society and talk about the healing process.

And I remember something very specific because I was doing as many healing tools as I could. So I smelled and I remember just getting reprimanded at work because I was a cocktail waitress at this fancy place for smelling so bad. And I remember just like crying in the bathroom and being like, I'm just trying to purge my trauma. I can't control the way in my body smells when I'm trying to heal, you know? I mean, did you have support to your friends, boyfriends, things like that?

I was pretty lucky. I mean, I have always been, you know, I've always had that alternative touch. So me and my friend did get a house in Berkeley when, you know, she was 19, I was 21 and we like converted it into like a hippie back yard thing. And my boyfriend was pretty cool and all of that. So I did have, that was lucky and supportive that I had people around me who were willing to support me in that process.

And it took such a toll on every single one of them because I would lash out, I would get triggered, I would go into trauma spirals. And I, I a didn't fully understand what was happening to me and B felt like I couldn't control it at that time. And it was so hard to feel like I was hurting the people around me that I loved. Okay, so you would have the somatic therapy that's when all this came out. And then Asia, you went to Asia to kind of, is that where

you started studying a lot of this, you started tantra breath. I actually went to Asia first. So I went to Asia, well, I went to Asia for the first time when I was 15. And then I went to Asia first. So I went to Asia for the first time when I was 15, and then I went back when I was 18 for two years. And that was all before the first boyfriend and coming out of the trauma. So I already kind of knew about yoga and meditation. I'd done my first papasana, and then I went back to university. And that's when the whole trauma kind of crack really

happens. And then I went back to Asia again and spent almost seven years there. And then that's when I did really extensive sort of healing, you know, all everything. I did everything and you were living there straight. Okay, so let's talk about first of all, it seems like you started with Tantra. So, so what I like your modern take on Tantra because I always felt like Tantra was is very challenging. Like I love the idea of it. I want to be connected.

I want to have great sex, but it just seemed like another thing that I've tried a lot of different things. How am I going to do it? And I get it now, but talk about your version of it or how you teach it. Well, classical Tantra is a spiritual path, but one of the cool things about it is it is a spiritual path.

And one of the only spiritual paths that says, look, everyone's on a spiritual path. And if you want to enjoy your life to the absolute maximum, that is completely valid. So there's a lot of practices in the Tantric tradition that are there, yes, to awaken you to your deepest truth, but they're also there. So you can have the best possible time. And it's amazing how many important spaces we have in our lives that we have very few tools. Like if you want to have better sex, like besides sort of

rocking down to the sex shop or, you know, trying on some fantasy clothes or whatever, we don't have a lot of inner tools to create better sex. And in the tantric tradition, some of it classical, some of it new kind of reiterations of tantra, there are so many amazing tools that unlock really profound orgasmic states, like really epic states of bliss and flow and just literally like it's pure magic inside of the body. And tools for relationships as well. Like I feel like it's cruel to tell people that you should spend your life with someone and be happy and set them off and not tell them how to do it.

Yeah, you have to take like a, my driver's test was like more challenging than like getting into a relationship. You know what I mean? Like people can get married, but like they make you go to the, I failed my first driver. I probably should have. I shouldn't still should probably shouldn't be driving sometimes.

I think, but you're right. There's no tools. That's why I think that, you know, we get hundreds of questions about these things where you have a job. For example, let's talk about having more conscious sex. So one of the top questions that we get asked, and then you probably hear this as well,

Cosmome Magazine, why can't I have an orgasm? Women just for men, it's easy. Women, we just can't. And I think a lot of it, I spend a lot of time talking about how to do it, how to get in the right mindset, tips and tricks. And it's like, it just talking about the fact that why, how to get in the right mindset, tips and tricks. And it's like, it just talked about the fact that why is it so freaking hard for women?

Like, it just seems really unfair. And then women give up. And it's never gonna happen for me. And it is possible for everyone to have an orgasm so neurologically in women's brains, their judgment of whether something is socially acceptable or not is much more strongly wired to their sexuality. So for men, it does not exist to the same degree.

And what I see in women working with orgasm is once they've answered like, how do I need to be touched? Am I masturbating? You know, maybe I'm just super young and I haven't figured out what I want in my body yet once they've gotten past that stage and they're still not having an orgasm.

In my experience, it is always psychological. So there's always some very, very deep part, and women don't feel it as psychological. All they feel is I don't feel nothing, or I don't know. I don't know. I'm not. Right. Right. And why I gotta get out of my head. How do I get out of my head? You know, when I'm trying to tell them, I'm trying to work with them. So do you find that and you've helped women break through this? Through your courses, through your absolutely, we're not 100% success rate, but we are very, very successful at women having their first orgasms and experiencing,

you know, one of the problems as well as some women are wired to have more oceanic kind of orgasms. And so they're looking for like an explosive fiery type orgasm, but when I really start talking to them and they're doing the work, they're like, well, I get these like ecstatic states that are just like rolling and rolling through my body, but I don't feel what I've heard this other woman has felt.

Exactly. Because they're like watching porn or it's how it's a literal orgasm, which is great, but you've had the full body orgasm, which can seem like a lot of work in me that didn't happen to you for the first year you were studying it, right? Like you didn't have that. No, but what's interesting is some women naturally have that and't happen to you for the first year you were studying it right? Like you didn't have that. No, but what's interesting is some women naturally have that and they don't have like the clitoral, like I know the orgasms that other women have. Those were like all my friends apparently.

I didn't have orgasms, I didn't masturbate, no one ever told me about it, never occurred to me and then my friends were like you never had an aura, I'm like, sex socks you guys, I was like 20, sex socks, what I don't get, it's up. I like connecting to my boyfriend, but what's the big deal? It's like, some, they have amazing orgasms all the time. Some women do, some women don't, but we can teach them. Absolutely, everyone has a biological wiring

to be able to have an orgasm. And I think what's so empowering about understanding this and even some of the most recent science, like they have studied women who are showing all physiological signs of being turned on, like they're wet, they have blood flow into their putsis, everything is happening down there, and they're saying, I don't feel anything,

don't feel anything. And when they give them brain scans, the part of their brain that's judging social appropriateness is literally cutting off their perception of pleasure. That's a real thing that happens, and it's not necessarily, like you don't consciously know that it's happening and the reason this is so important is because instead of women understanding my body isn't yet feeling safe enough to have an orgasm. My body doesn't yet feel I can survive a surrendered state of orgasm. They think I'm broken. There's something wrong with me. And they're not right. And so in that moment, to give an example and like, you're probably, this is what a woman could be thinking.

Like, what if I make too much noise right now, or does he really like me? Do I feel safe? Is my phone's ringing? I wonder who that is. If someone walks in the door, what's going to, we're scanning the environment that to do this. I don't have time for an orgasm. It won't happen.

These are the kind of things. And that's the part of the brain that's lit up when they look at these. Exactly. That's the exact part of the brain that doesn't necessarily want you to have an orgasm. That part of your brain does not care if you're having a good time. Yeah, right. It's the deep, primal part, and for that part to let loose takes a tremendous amount of surrender.

Like, literally, you stop gauging danger in your environment. Like all of us who have ever had that kind of real, like intense, like orgasmic release that goes on you seriously lose a sense of what's going on around you. You're screaming, you're going wild, it's hot. Everyone craves that experience, but the way that we get conditioned around sexuality to be pretty and beautiful and have like make up in place and have like your breasts that like the right angle

or whatever, I mean, all of that's BS and yet that really feeds into women not being able to get themselves into this kind of wild state that's required for the orgasms that so many women crave. So, bring in true. I just keep thinking about young women too, because I have like nieces now,

like the age like I just, I'm like, oh, it's so not about that I want you to understand your bodies. I mean, I just love like all of this work. I just think after all these years of women being so confused about their sexuality and orgasm and you see that it never stops the questions you like questions come in. How do I, it's the same thing is I'm like there's got to be you know, a way and it really is that we have this this huge disconnect from our bodies and that it's a practice. I mean, it's like the most important work we can do because it's not even talking to women,

it's not even just about orgasm, it's about like tapping into your power, your energy, like we're so much stored. So I feel like for someone that like, but our orgasm's really worth it. Like first of all, what you have these kind of orgasms, you're like, oh yeah, I'm glad I did the work,

but there's so many other benefits as well, like to understand your body, to taking that time, like it's another thing I'm asking, like well, like to understand your body, to taking that time, like it's another thing I'm asking, like women to like really know your body, but like what else is more important? Cause once you unleash this and unleash this and you get in touch with your body,

you just realize like your focus, your attention, picking the right partners, you know, it's just, you're gonna know yourself better, not stop having like bad sex. You're gonna know yourself better, you're not gonna be dependent on a partner to feel amazing inside of your body.

And on top of that, when you know that you have this capacity to have exceptional, brilliant, beautiful sex, what I see over and over again in women is it's deeply connected to them being able to love their bodies. I've seen over and over again that women are like, I hate my body, hating something, nothing can be done about it. I've had this for years.

And then like, well, let's get you into an ecstatic state where you are completely just like blown open with your own bliss. And they're like, oh my god, I love my body. Like they're very, very intimately connected. So are things like worthiness. So women who struggle over and over again, like I just don't feel worthy. I don't feel good inside myself. It's like being in that kind of wild ecstatic orgasmic state literally makes them feel worthy. And the thing that I think is really important to talk about, because you're touching on this like an orgasmic state is more than just an

orgasm. It's literally being able to go into a place of flow, surrender, bliss, where you feel something greater than yourself. It's so natural for women to do that in orgasm. And what we forget is it's been like all of society for the last few thousand years has told us that that's dangerous, that's wrong, that's scary. Like it's the biggest bogeyman. Like, oh, if you were to enter that ecstatic state of orgasm, like you get pregnant, you'd go crazy, you wouldn't be able to get a job. Like women carry all these fears, you'll get an STD. There's something you'll

do. Then be the crazy town slut. And and like no one will be able to stop you because you'll just want to have sex with everyone. And none of that's true. It's the biggest con I think that was ever pulled on women. I think because we all carry this and yet it's the exact opposite. When you really get in touch with your orgasmic bliss, this deep sexual power within you, literally this wild capacity within you, you become sane, integrated, able to create a life that you desire empowered, unworthy, and confident.

And you're not worried about any of the things you used to worry about, like my breasts are rabbit sex. Do you think he's gonna notice that my left brain is very, very, very, very, my right breast? Do you think he noticed that I like Game Weight? Do you think he thinks I'm, I mean, whatever it is that goes through your head, that just won't come to mind anymore.

What's really? What's really powered in your inner body? Because think about anything else, I mean, whatever it is that goes your head, that just won't come to mind anymore. Want to put it in your own power and your own your body. Because think about anything else that you master. And that's how I think it's like anything that you become good at, right? Anything that you, a skill that you want to achieve, you know, it takes hours, right? Like 10,000 hours to become an expert and think of things in your life that you really value and that you're really good at. It probably didn't come easy to you.

And the same thing was sex, but yet again, just like we say, getting married or being in a relationship, there's no training. There's like, here you go or being in a relationship, there's no trading. There's like, here you go, being in a relationship, you know, here you go, have sex. It's like, what if you put that much time into sex and orgasm? Like all the lot of other, you're, you know, probably this will be solved. So speaking of sex and orgasms and dating, so I have a question for you. So first of all, I know you're in a relationship now, but do you feel like you walk around now in this, right now, are you going to like drive you here on traffic? You can so be like, it's hot. There's traffic. I'm driving for 40 minutes, but do you feel like you walk around now in this, right now, are you driving here on traffic?

You can still be like, it's hot, there's traffic, I'm driving 40 minutes, but I'm blissful all the time. I mean, I was tired. I really, really, I love your drive, yeah. Thank you. I know, and I think, you know, it's something I like to be really honest with about people. It's not like, I don't have a perfect, amazing sex life every time.

It's not like, I show up in the bedroom with my boyfriend of five years and be like, I am a woman, watch me or as a multiple times infinitely. And like that's every sexual experience. Like I get tired, we have bad sex like everyone else, but I do feel love for my body. That really doesn't change. I feel confident almost all the time. I feel like I have worth as a woman.

And I feel a big thing about sex that we don't talk about enough is like, who are you showing up as? Like when you come to the bedroom, when you go to have sex, are you showing up exactly as you keep mentioning, like, you know, to be insecure about your body or to worry about the relationship or all of that? Or do you show up being like, I'm here to experience the deepest bliss that's possible in this body, because life is short. And what else would I rather be doing? And that shifts so much of this actual experience.

And what I would say is even if I don't live in that state all the time, I am able to access it much more easily. So like I think that's what I'm gonna do. I think that's how it goes. There's so such thing as like a magic bullet here. Like there's not one thing that's gonna work. There's so such thing as a magic bullet here. Like there's not one thing that's gonna work.

So let's talk about some tools that women can use. And I know you teach your course. What is with the Jade Egg? Because I know that, for example, I want to hear about your course, but the Jade Egg and doing your kegels and having a strong pelvic floor is really important. I talk about that a lot. So let's talk about your Jade Egg course and how that gets started and the different screen than two.

Definitely. So, yes, the basis of why the J-Deg is so effective to me is because what's been scientifically proven for a while now, the most effective way to enhance sexual experience and sensation is pelvic floor strength and sensei-t focus. And what happens for a lot of women is people are like, hey, do your kegels and focus on the sensations and women don't have a concentrated practice. And everyone's like, go, just do your kegels

throughout the day. Do what are the traffic light? Yeah, this is my job. I never remember to do them at the traffic light. They'd be like, oh, just carry a barbell around in your car and pick it up whenever you want to. No, you've got to go to the gym. You've got to have a class where it's structured, where you're really focused on doing the work that's going to make the transformation.

I think first and foremost, the JTA is a tool that gives women a sense of, okay, I get it. I've got a 15-minute practice. I've got a 30-minute practice, and I know exactly what to do to build pelvic floor strength and sunset focus. There's that aspect to it. But the other thing is, is even just working on pelvic floor strength, it doesn't get to the deeper connection, the emotional connection.

It doesn't say, do you love your pussy? How do you feel about being a woman deep down inside? If you have fear or guilt or shame, how do you remove that? If you got an excessive amount of tension because you were raised to believe that it was dangerous to be sexual as a woman or because you experienced trauma, is there a focused way to release that? And so the J-Deg practice starts out as strength building and focus and it goes so deep into how do you shift your emotional relationship to your body? How do you use breath to open up your entire sexual experience and take down that

critic, take down that part of you that's worried about how you look and how this X is going, how do you do that? You can learn to do that with the Jade egg. It's so much deeper. I kind of say it's akin to instead of just doing stretching, going to yoga. There's a whole mind body component to it. That's so powerful.. Okay, so your jadegg course. I'm going to do it I know you sent me jadegg I had to put it on pause for a little bit like I created an app called kegel camp like five years ago Because I was like I don't remember to do my kegels

I'm gonna remember and then even that goes off and now I'm like I wear the kegel balls sometimes like the weights I'm like, oh, yeah Now I remember that because it's like a cheat and so I kind of feel like that's a great thing It's like another tool than me just sitting there am I doing I doing it right? And even though I made the course, I'm like, I needed something else. So I love that you help women get in touch. And there's like an exercise they could do every week. Totally. And I'm going to do it. And then we're going to talk. We'll have you back on once I'm done with your course. But what are the tools to help women kind of move past the, what comes up for them, the energy that's released,

the memories, the trauma? Absolutely. So I train women in being able to do gentle healing and to gauge if they're going into overwhelm. So there are certain ways where you can healthily release trauma and pain inside your body and there's times when you're actually starting to go into overwhelm and it becomes unhealthy. So I train women in that. Like if you start going into flashbacks

and you can't be present in your body, then resource, then love yourself, then step out of it, then come back. There's a lot of community around my courses, women get matched with support sister, things like that. So there's someone to reach out to that can email us if they need it. They're guided in that direction. But one of the big things that's really important to me around the J-Day is gentle sexual healing and empowered sexual healing. So I'll say if a woman's got huge trauma, she's never done any work on it, you know, see a trauma specialist along with doing this work, but so many women have either done that or they've got low grade trauma. They've got low grade pain.

Exactly. The T with a small T trauma, right? Totally. And it's training them to start to recognize when they actually feel uncomfortable sensations, when they feel something that hasn't been integrated or released, to bring this loving quality of presence to it, to literally like scoop it up and hold it and love it and breathe through it and let their body shake or move or express itself

and essentially complete the stress cycle and that will release the trauma. So there's a training around the J-Dig of exactly how to feel empowered in your body to release these things that come up because I'm all about seeing experts and specialists when you really need it, but women don't have the time and money to do that all the time. How can you relate to your own body in a way that allows yourself to gently release and heal trauma over time? Right. Yeah, I know. And I feel like this stuff does. It does work.

If you're just putting the attention and focus on it for once and focusing on your body, like what I was talking about, women who have children, like they don't put ourselves first in any aspect of our lives. So if you could just like 15 minutes a day, I'm going to have better sex or half-hour or whatever it is. But how about the people who are so pelvic floor specialists? I got people coming after me, like you prescribed kegels for things or why would you tell them to do kegels?

They can be painful or the Jade Egg is gonna be bad for you. It's like, first of all, we're trying to help people, that maybe it's not one size fits out. There could be other things. You should definitely see a doctor, but why do people just want to hate? I mean, what could be, have you ever had anything come out where people were like, it was bad,

and it was horrible, and right? No, we've had thousands of women in our J-Deg programs. We always have feedback forms and women overwhelmingly say how effective it is. The thing that makes me so angry, so there's a female viagra pill, right? Okay, the female work. Every year, there's a second-do-one, five years.

It almost doesn't work. There's no proven success rate. It almost doesn't work. There's no proven success rate. It causes kidney bleeding and all sorts of other weird side effects. No one ever says anything. It gets all this press, all this media, you know, ooh, the new female vaguards can change women's lives. You give women a holistic practice that has never done any harm to a single woman.

In the 50 years, it's been in circulation in the United States that empowers her to activate her sexuality in a way that she can do over and over again basically for free. And like, oh, it could kill you. It's a danger. And you know what, I have feedback forms. The success rate of women using the J-Deg who do a minimum of three practices, I say, did you have a better orgasm? 91% say yes. Hi. Did you love yourself more? 95% say yes. Did you feel more connected to your body? It's like 96% say yes. If a pill did that, it would be a billion dollar industry.

It would take over the world. Everyone would be praising it. It wouldn't matter if it made your kidneys bleed because it would come from a pharmaceutical company. But you put it up your vagina and it empowers you to actually make a difference in your own body, and people are like, watch out!

You're gonna get it. It's poor, something bad's gonna happen. It's like, I know, if it was men who were not able to have orgasms, for example. Like, you know, like, they'd be given out J-Dags at Walgreens, like, it would be, if it worked the same way, the male equivalent, like, if it was a cock ring, I was J-D.

I mean, seriously, it would be everywhere. Like this wouldn't even be, wouldn't be a thing, because it would be so solved years ago. Totally. But right now, and then they're like, well, we'll try to put it in this thing like Viagra and a pill, and it's just never gonna work

because female orgasm is nothing to do with. It's your brain and your body, and there's no pill that's gonna, like, it's not like Viagra, we're gonna get an erection. Like, women don't need their clitoris to have the erection in this way. The fact that men are the ones who are, you know, running pharmaceutical companies in healthcare

and all this stuff is it, which is why we have to, like, like, always women go underground and do our things. And there's a difference between asking amazing questions. Can it be done in a healthier way? Can the industry evolve? Absolutely. That makes so much sense. You know, having a well-trained yoga teacher keeps you

from being injured. They have to be educated about what they're doing. There's things you need to know about the pelvic floor, when to do strength building exercises, when to focus on relaxation. But people are literally talking about it. It's this huge, massive, overwhelming danger rather than saying, this is a fundamentally amazing

life-changing practice. And let's keep evolving it so that it helps women even more and more. Instead, it's coming from this deep fear, as it always does, when we're talking about female sexuality. Well, exactly. Well, that fits into the big, it's the big, you know, how many thousands of years has been repressed. Yeah. So I love all the work that we're doing to kind of, that you're doing, especially with your Jada,

I get everything else to bring it out. This is Lila Martin, I'm talking to you in her website, which is LAYLAMartinMarratayN.com and you can check out your courses and all that stuff. I just wanted to throw that out there and this will also be on my website. Okay, so that's also, so that's Jadaeg, which is awesome and I'm going to use it and talk about it, we'll have you back when I was able to, but it did travel with me and I'm going to, I will do it, we'll talk about that. So let's talk more about also conscious sex. That's another thing I think that we talked about

being so disconnected from our bodies, men and women, right, because you also teach courses for men, and couples and stuff. So like we're so disconnected. So how can we be like more conscious in the way of like, together as couples? How do you teach couples to be more conscious? Because I feel like there's,

sometimes women want to be more conscious, men want to be more conscious. I'm glad I got conscious. I can't get my partner to be more conscious. Why do you think this? Especially as Americans, we feel so uncomfortable just even with this term and working on deeper connections. And sex, even just staring at you know,

staring at each other's eyes. What is that about? I mean, it's such a mystery that people's deepest desire is to be met and profound intimacy, to have like a wild epic or gasmic life-changing sexual experience deeply connected to someone that they love like everyone hungers for that. And yet we're terrified of going there.

We're terrified of talking about it, of experiencing it, all of that. So, you know, for me, it's really important to empower people with the tools that let them slowly, slowly move in that direction and then feel how good it feels. It is terrifying to look into someone's eyes if you're not used to it.

And then the second you start doing it, really doing it, you're like, how did I not do it? Yeah, exactly. That's an understanding, everything that we're afraid of, I'm being vulnerable. You know, you just, I don't know. Again, I'm so glad there's more consciousness around us, but it's so around this, but it's so true. Like the things that we most fear is what's going to give us the most strength in life and the most, we're going to grow the most from the things that we fear the most. And I can say that to

you right now, and it might not, you know, be hitting, but it's literally anything. Like you're fear of public speaking, you're of swimming, your fear of what a fear of. I think public speaking death, what are the things you love fears of? Intimacy. Intimacy, yeah, but let's okay, which your definition of intimacy then? Because I literally have dated, and here's the problem when you date men who are, this is not, I'm not saying that I'm very involvement, but typically men who are very successful and I love, like smart guys, they're like, I don't think that intimate, they literally

I've had to explain it, like both looking to each other's eyes like, what do you mean? And it can be for very, you can be very smart, but not understand intimacy in action. So how would you define it? Intimacy to me is being able to have 50% of your experience internal and connected. What are the sensations I'm experiencing? What are the emotions I'm experiencing? What are the emotions I'm experiencing? So you have to be connected to yourself to have real intimacy and 50% connected to your partner in a deeper way. What are they feeling? What are they experiencing? How are they doing right now?

When you have that sense of connectedness, it creates intimacy. And you can talk on top of it, but you talk about what's really going on. It's really a feeling state that we're not trained into, but you can guide people into it where they're like, oh, yeah, okay, I feel it. No, this does feel different. Like, and if I had sex this way, it would feel different. I remember the first time I did the somatic sex there, the first actor, it was like,

I ended up being like a six-month thing that it did, but it was like the first day, and this is me who was like, I'm a ball, like did a meditation, all this stuff, but it was like the very first exercise and the first day was staring to the person's eyes that you don't know for like a minute. I was like, oh my God, I wanna leave, I hate that.

And I'm like more of a, I feel like I am, but then you realize literally the next day, it was like, that was easy. You know what that is? And it's just their biggest fears. That's why I just like more evolved, where I feel like I am. But then you realize literally the next day, it was like, that was easy. And it's just their biggest fear. That's why I just have to say, like if anything is scaring you right now, like something that you gotta like, you know, look at that thing and challenge yourself to go there.

So I wanna talk about connecting with your Regina and listening to your Regina. Like I always think if my vagina could talk, like what would it say? Like I've always been a joke about that. I know you have a video about that. I'm like, oh my god, what if we just started talking and telling, in some ways I think that'd be kind of scary

because I have my vagina memory, but then I thought, what if sometimes I have a vagina could just be like, let me tell this person what I need in the bedroom, what would they say? And I think that it's funny that you talk about, like I love your video you did about it, but what do you think our vaginas are trying to say to us that we're not listening to?

They're very clear. So, women who study with me are always like, I thought you were bad, But what do you think our Virginians are trying to say to us that we're not listening to? They're very clear. So, you know, women who study with me are always like, I thought you were bad, she's crazy when you were telling me that my vagina was going to talk to me. And a lot of women say the same thing, like, wouldn't that be scary? And then they're like, oh my god, no, I get a clear, yes. Like, she says yes, she says no. She says maybe.

Some women's vaginas are like much more elaborate than that, but it's crazy You get a sense you can tell what she wants what she doesn't want and women are not listening to their vaginas Enough they're not listening when she's like I need more time. I need to slow down I actually don't want to have sex right now things like that and over time what that does is it numbs out the vagina We don't listen to the signals anymore So here's the thing I know it's like it's your vagina, but it's also intuition. The female intuition is something and you can connect to the source of our feminine energy, which I believe is a source of, you could say of everything, but it's intuition,

I think it's how people think about it as well. And I feel like we always have the answers to what is right for us. And that is a practice as well. Like you're saying, when you're with somebody, and we try to talk ourselves into it, like, I'm not really feeling sexually attracted to this person right now, but maybe it'll grow me or this feels wrong, but we keep going. Like, we're not trained to trust ourselves at all. And so I feel like, and then we drink, maybe we get drunk, we make mistakes, because we're like, I had too many drinks, and I don't really know what I felt. So that's why I think that sex is such a sacred thing that we've

just mucked up with medications and drugs and not listening to all the answers. Like we know what's right for us. Totally and it sounds weird coming from women but when guys are like, oh yeah, my dick has a mind of its own. No one's that can guess the fact. Like they're very in tune with the fact

that like their penis knows what it wants. Like it talks to them in its own way. I think it's really important, Mark. That's why the work that you're teaching is great. I think that women, just if you do anything, like you could even do it, I tack it on to the workouts you're already doing. You're yoga, even when you're driving,

or I don't know, watching TV, you could take five minutes and just start to connect for five minutes a day, because I feel like I'm the kind of person too that I hear things like this and I think I wanna do it and I over commit under deliver. So I just think if you start with five, a day, because I feel like I'm the kind of person too that I hear things like this and I think I want to do it and I over commit under deliver. So I just think if you start with five, ten minutes of even saying like, I'm just going to check in for a second how I'm feeling, it could change your life.

You'll be having full body orgasms and giving us a call. Okay, Layla, will you help me with some emails? I'll see you in the later. I love it. Okay. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that's amazing. You can text for your question, just text ask Emily all one word to 7979 or submit a question via the Ask Emily tab on the section with Emily website. And as always include your gender, your age where

you live and how you listen to the show. Hey Emily, thanks so much for your fun informative podcast. I'm 50 years old and I came out of an abusive relationship 16 years ago. A little while back, I confessed to a male friend that had been 16 years since I've had sex, and my ex was only interested in satisfying himself. When my friend heard 16 years, his response was, anytime you want to end the drought, I'm your man. Well, I took it up on his offer and even though the thought may be super nervous, Emily, the first time we had sex, we went for five and a half hours.

We've hooked up two more times, but I still can't climax. Maybe it's a long drive period, the abuse and bad memories, I just don't know. I feel like something's wrong with me. I've listened to your podcast, hoping to learn more about why I can't have an orgasm. I can't really make myself have

on while masturbating either. My friends with benefits is sort of frustrated because he thinks it's him, but I know it's not. Do you have any suggestions? Things I can't really make myself have one while masturbating either. My friends with benefits is sort of frustrated because he thinks it's him, but I know it's not. Do you have any suggestions? Things I can work on. Thank you so much for your help. Kimberly, 50 Seattle. Well, Kimberly, here's the thing,

that God there's so much here to unpack that you came out of a abusive relationship and even if it was 16 years ago, if you have not done the work around the trauma and around the abuse, that orgasm is trapped in there. And it is your responsibility. So here's the thing we've been talking about trauma and I think that they'll have some

comments on this as well. I appreciate that your male friend and your FWB is like wants to help you got there and I love that he's concerned with it, but we are all responsible for our own orgasms. And as much as we talk about being with your partners and being connected, that's so important, but it really does start with you, Kimberly. And so it sounds like you know, just masturbating all that it just not could happen because a lot of you

is still in your head and probably still has a lot of trauma trapped in the mean 16 years ago, you might think, oh, I'm done, but you're never done. I mean, you're not done unless you work it through. So what would you suggest? Yeah, it's a really common thing I see with women who are in an abuse of partnerships emotionally, physically, sexually.

It takes such a toll on your psyche and your body, and it often goes on recognized. And unfortunately leads to what you're experiencing of a sense of like there's something wrong with me, or I'm broken. Your body is so sensitive to what is safe and what isn't safe. It's one of the most primal things that's wired inside of you. So if you mix sex with this experience of being abused or being traumatized,

your body is going to be holding onto that and afraid to fully let go into an orgasmic state, to fully let go, to falling firmly back in love again because we fall in love with the people we have really deep sex with. So of course your body is being like, I remember the last time we did this and the road that went down. So like, no, I'm not going to open up fully. I'm not going to surrender. I'm not going to to release fully. And so exactly what Emily's saying, deeper work, you know, some kind of somatic therapy, some kind of really going in there and finding that part of you that really got broken. Not the core of you never gets broken, you can't be broken, but women who have been in abusive relationships know that it breaks a part of you. It doesn't break the most important part of you, nothing can break that, but going in and resuscitating, reinvigorating, bringing that part of you back

to life because actually it takes a certain amount of personal strength to be able to orgasm in deep love. Also, the last thing I'll say is if you attracted and were in an abusive relationship for a long period of time, it can be terrifying for your body to actually fall in love with and be orgasmic with someone who really loves you and treat you well. Isn't it talked about enough if you have a core level wiring, maybe because of the way you were raised or early experiences that says, abuses the way that I'm used to getting treated, it can actually take a period of time to really internalize. I deserve to be loved, to be made loved to have orgasms with someone who treats me well and really, really adores me.

And the last thing to do would be to explain this to your new partner so he's not making it about him because that's just going to pressure you and make it even harder. It's great advice. I mean, I think that is so common that we, yeah, we are our partners. They feel bad. They kind of orient themselves around our orgasms and that, yeah, we are our partners. They feel bad. They kind of orient themselves around our orgasms and that, yeah, Kimberly, I just, I really want her to, like, I think it's somatic therapist

and I think she's in Seattle. There's a lot of great ones there. I feel like that is a great place to start with it and just to start, I'm not saying you need to break up with this guy is not right, but there are, yeah, there's a lot there, a lot of certain types of people who are attracted to and it would all start with you going back to this trauma, even though it seems

that there's abuse, something that you just don't want to get into again like I it's still there and it's why I still controlling a lot of this. And after 16 years, celebrate yourself for saying yes to this that's such a huge massive step. Yeah, thank you for emailing Kimberly. Hi Emily, I've been listening to your show for about a year and I'm obsessed. I've been on three days with the guy and I purposely moved slowly in the physical department. I think there's potential for something more and I'm enjoying the build up. I've been on three days with a guy and I purposely moved slowly in the physical department. I think there's potential for something more and I'm enjoying the buildup. I've noticed that he's more gentle than I'm used to. Based on our makeup sessions and the way he grabs me when we're lying together. I'm worried he's going to be very gentle

and we'll have boring vanilla sex, whereas I love being thrown around aggressively and I love submissive sex. Is it too soon to write them off or how do I tell my need to turn up the heat without offending him? Thanks Emily and best, Liz 24 Grand Rapids Michigan. Liz, hello from my home state, Michigan, and I love this question because no, you should not write them off yet at all.

He's probably nervous, he doesn't know, you've communicated what you want, maybe you're both experimenting, being together. Maybe you guys are both new at sex. Whatever it is, every time you will come together, it's a totally new situation. And so our partners are not mine readers as much as we would like them to be as I was raised to think that they were. I just thought that men, just new things. I just thought that they were taught all the secrets because I didn't have them. Somebody had them, it wasn't me. So I understand that you don't want to offend them, like we want, like you still want him to feel good about your connection. So I feel like you just have to tell him, you know, you have this connection already and just be

honest and be like, I'm feeling such a great connection with you, like let's sew things down a bit. Like let's just kind of like, I think I've had fancies or I've thought of you, I think it'd be really hot. Like, if you held my arms back, because we expect men to be mined as our apartness, you might, or women, or whoever we're with, and they're not, it can be really hard to have like the right language to our partners to explain what we want, but believe me, they're so open to it. If you do it in a way that's not assaulting them, you don't want to be like, last time I

was going to end this, but I was afraid that you didn't like, rear my clothes off and do these things. Like, you definitely don't want to lead into these conversations in a negative way. It's more like, I had a great time. I endured a connection. I liked having sex with you. And I just think if you really hot, if you kind of like, put my, tied my arms back, you know, made out with me kind of took it.

Let me show you what it would look like and kind of just give them some instructions about, you know, what would, and then ask him like, what would turn you on? You know, like, have a conversation about it. I always recommend like not in the bedroom. I think like that can kind of be kind of trip people up if you're like in there and you're already starting to turn down because we're in like an arous state sometimes. It's hard to take information. And it's hard to be like,

wait, let me go into my brain and think about what you're saying. So I would suggest, when you guys are out, maybe you're dinner before your next day, if you like, that was hot, I would think about that a lot. You know what my fantasy is? Like what turns you on and to start the dialogue? Have a conversation about it. And I think to write people out,

I think we often, even for being bad kissers, I hear that all the time. Should I just end it because he's a bad kisser? No, or she's a bad kisser, or this was bad, or this was wrong. What we're telling you is sex is not something that any of us are going to be masterful at, and our partners are not going to totally understand us. Yeah, and you also don't know where he's coming from. If you've been wanting to take it slow, he could just be being polite and afraid that if

he starts being forceful and you're supposed to be taking it slow, like he's gonna wanna rip his pants off. And you know, the other thing is, is there's a lot of guys out there now who want to be good men. They're like coming of age and feminist times with all this horrible porn everywhere. And they want to be good and decent and soft because they think that that's the way to counteract it. And so many women want it hard and intense and, you know, whatever it is out of their male partners of their with men, sometimes with women. And it's important to show them that. One of the things I find a lot with men is they tend to be more direct and experiential.

So I would say that if you start making love, you can feel yourself drawing out that power in him like encouraging the sort of animalist to primal dominance. It's possible and if he gets a taste of that then that can also make him really Want to approach you that way. You don't know until you really try and you really communicate just like Emily saying, whether you actually are a fundamental sexual mismatch or if he's just trying to treat you the way that he thinks you want to be treated. Yeah, that's so true. I feel like that men are raised right now, like, so confused by feminism, by like treating her well and like, especially everything that's going on everywhere now. I just say college campuses, you know, with our president, with our rewinds, I mean, with

consent. And I think even more so than ever, men are like, you know, the good men are with our rewinds, I mean, with consent, and I think even more so than ever, men are like, you know, the good men are like, wait, I don't want to do anything wrong. And this is going to be like a whole other wave now. I think of wait, sometimes it's okay to be rough, and it's okay, and here's how, and giving permission, God, it's so confusing.

I feel like these kind of things that we're teaching has to be like in school. I mean, start so young. It's just overwhelming, because I think you're so right that this is, I'm just thinking about all the more people that are gonna be emailing about this because I think we're living in a certain time of fear but then they're going to watch porn

and they're seeing different things and then we're seeing our president. It's very unclear how to be sexual in the middle of the day. It is very unclear. But I think it would start with, yeah, connect, I think you're so right Liz, thank you for the young question. I think that Donald Tharmatt, yeah, connect with him.

I think what you were saying there to the energy, like the more that is that you're present in your body and you're knowing what you want to feel and you're connecting with him like through breath and through looking in his eyes and you are feeling this passion. Like it will come, I will be able to read that but it's this connection of energy that's just going to flow through your bodies when you start to be more connected with yourself as well. And sometimes we overthink it, you know, like a hot like give it to me. Is it amazing invitation, you know, and very direct and very clear? And one of the things I think that women really misunderstand about their partners

and their male partners especially is that they have these fragile male egos and exactly like Emily saying, if you come at them and emasculate them from that kind of place, yes they're fragile, but every man that I won't work with wants to know, he's hungry to know, he wants to know how to turn you on. He wants to know how to be the best lover that you've ever had,

and he absolutely cannot figure it out unless he gets clear instruction, right? I think that's such an interesting paradox that you're right then men, they do want to learn. Like I've never met a guy who's like, no, tell me like every time that's why I think men love listening to this show, they used to steal your cosmo when they were younger. They're like, I want to know everything about sex, but yet it's so personal for them because it just, you say one thing, it could like for a lifetime and then we offended like this one woman said that I came too

quickly or that my penis was too big or too small, and they never recover. I mean, nothing doesn't happen to women, so it's like we have to go gentle, slow, learn the tools that Leila's teaching and I'm teaching. Leila, this was awesome. I'm so glad you're on the show. Tell people how they can find you and all your courses. I think that you're doing such amazing work.

And you can say, connect to me on my website, lelamarton.com. So if you sign up there with your email address, I make a weekly video that has really specific practical tools that you can learn, start using that exact day, that really makes all of this very, very real in your life. And also my YouTube channel, which is Leila Martin as well. You can subscribe there to also stay in touch with all the videos. Awesome. Thank you for being here, everyone. check it out. That'll also be on our website as well. And yeah, I love you all. Remember to you can find us on iTunes, Google Play, SoundCloud, Spotify, I Heart Radio, wherever you find podcasts and thanks for leaving reviews and for telling your friends and for subscribing.

I love you all. Thank you to my amazing team. Ken, Jamie, our intern Shannon and Jenny, producer, Lark, and Michael. I just love you all. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamily.com