Sex With Emily - Episode 355 - Sex Geeks and Freaks

Episode Date: December 13, 2011

Emily goes on a date with her crush from the fifth grade in Michigan. Self-proclaimed “Sex Geek and polyamorous slut” Reid Mihalko talks about how to deal with jealousy in a polyamorous relationship. He invites Emily to instruct a kissing workshop with him, which means they have to make-out. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com where you get all your sex information. It's your daily sex info place to go for everything you need to know. Okay, you can call us anytime today, 415-9927-392 and we will answer your questions, comments, concerns, anything you'd like to address. So I'm here with Menace, we've both been away for a little bit. No, this is the longest we've been apart for a while.

It makes me really sad. I missed you every day. Yeah, but we needed a vacation from each other. We did, but now I appreciate you so much more. Because you were going to kill me. I was going to kill you. No, I wasn't really going to kill you. So you went to Michigan?

Yeah, went to Michigan. It was awesome. It was so good to do the family. And I kissed a boy. No, no, no, no, no. Backtrack, backtrack, backtrack, backtrack. I know you saw that. It's not that. My family was awesome. I'll tell kissed a boy. No, no, no, no, backtrack, backtrack, backtrack, backtrack. I know that is not that. My family was awesome. I'll tell you about it.

But my family was great. It was so good to do with my nieces. It was really fun. And you know, when I go home to Michigan, I never, I don't have any friends there really anymore because I moved away a long, long time ago. And so I usually, just with my family, I might go back and forth from like my brother's house, within my nieces,

to my mom's house, back and forth, back and forth. But then my husband's coming home and I got fixed up on a date. Who fixed you up? My friend Lisa and my friend Amy, two friends. So they were always like trying to fix me up, right? And I'm like, oh, there's no one in Michigan. Like either I've dated them or someone's dated them or whatever.

I haven't lived there in a long time. But there was this one guy who I had a crush on when I was like young, Jurassic 10. And until I was like older, like 18 or something. And then he dated my roommate and then I didn't have a crush on him anymore. But anyway, the point is it was just coincidence. So my friends, no, but I went to summer camp with him for like a year. And I went to fifth grade, I had fifth grade and sixth grade, fifth grade through eighth grade, sat next to him on the first day fifth grade and had a crush on him like in fifth grade.

Yeah, but you did he never gave you a chance back then. No, given him a chance now. Yeah, why not? Why would you do that? Why would I not give what would you mean? No, he didn't try to get after you back then. I was 10. No, tell your 10.

Yeah, but he said that we apparently we did kiss once, but I don't remember. Really? Yeah, that's what he said on our date. So my friends were like, oh my god, David's getting divorced. David's divorced. Do you want to go out with them? And I was like, oh my god, yeah, I think he's really, I always had a thing for him. So we went out on a date.

Two dates. So how did the date go? To the day went really well. We went to dinner. We caught off. It was very natural. It was very, very It was very very comfortable and Yeah, we had a really great connection

No, where'd you go? What did you do? We went to dinner? We went to dinner in Birmingham, which is in Michigan little town and we had just had dinner And then he went to show me his house that he's building. Oh, he's showing off. Yeah, yeah, he's like here's the He did yeah, did you guys make up hold on hold on one second one second We'll get we'll get to you in a second. Yeah, you guys have to know this voices. Yeah, hold on one second So he went to his house that he's building right you sure that this was his house that he was you think he was just like finding House that wonder construction he's like Right here. There's a house under construction. We can go look at and I was pretend it's mine

So you'll think that's really hot and I know I suck my penis Um, did you see the the paperwork for the house or you wanted me to ask him for like the title or something or whatever It's called he could just pull up to any no. I know him. He's not lying that it is house That's just the way you're twisted mind thing. No, I'm just saying you should check this dude's background. Why is he getting divorced? Did you talk about that? Yeah? Why is that happening? He's yeah kids. Yes two kids. Okay, and he had an affair. Oh Sounds like somebody you'd be into

Exactly okay happens, you know, and so we talked about that and that he had Apparently had an affair on his cheating't wife and she found out and through the cell phone of course as i excel phone is like how do you know i'm like do that's a way everyone finds everything i just delete your text messages it's a lot of heartache sounds like a quality guy and notes are my mom said she's like don't get emotionally attached but uh... that's how she talks so anyway it's like a michigan new york accent so i is but we had a good time he's so cute you know those people that you had a crush on when you're younger and then you seem again and you still kind of have feelings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then we went to his house. And I guess we kind of kissed for the first time in his house, his house, which might not be his house. And then we talked about, it was fun. We caught up, we, whatever. But there was definitely like chemistry So it was good all right in a while. I'm told in a while. So now he's coming out to visit

Yes, he is coming to visit can you be on the show? Yes, I'd love to talk to him about His cheating life Wow, no, I don't think he wants to talk about that on air But you could talk to him about other things like like going out with me on date or something, because I'm sure you love her on your... I don't care about that. Aw, man, this. But yeah, so that's everything that happened. So it was really good trip, but besides that,

it was fun, family, yeah. So once this guy coming out, I don't know. I don't know. We talked about it, maybe he'll come out soon. He's like, I really want to come visit. I'm like, great, come visit. Okay. Yeah.

So you got one guy that you might fall in love with. I don't know about that. You said you were in love with him at one time, right? I was at a crush on him. There's a very big difference between being crushed and being in love. I just thought he was cute. And then I just found our picture from 5th grade. And I wrote, you know, it was a class photo and I wrote, babe, over his photo, like my little

10-year-old handwriting. So I thought he was cute. Well, you have to have sex with him now, though. Why? Do you. That's funny. Well, you have to have sex with them now though. Why? Do you think you've become as here I have to have sex with them? Yeah, because if you have sex with them. Because he's flying cross country. Oh yeah, if a guy flies cross country,

he's looking to get laid. For sure, right? He's like, he's not like, oh, I hear the great restaurants and so he wants to go. If he gives you that line of bullshit, then. Right. He's like, I always wanted to go to Alcatraz, like not that.

Like he's like, I want to bone you. Yeah. Okay. So maybe that could happen well that would be the third date because people have sex on third date usually third or fourth date yeah you want on what two dates yeah two dates no sex third date done deal done deal I don't know that's weird it's gonna be here what if it's not good and then he's here what is like bad sex but he has a plane to get home so, maybe he can make it earlier. Yeah, I can like I think they fly every day this airlines So yeah, and how is your trip? I loved your picture of the vodka for breakfast. Yes. I had a great time in Las Vegas I

drank a lot of alcohol. I went to some clubs Shock a lot of food. I gained probably 15 more pounds. No, you didn't. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I'm glad you had a good time. Yeah, I stayed at the Cosmopolitan, which is the same thing. Oh, cool.

It's amazing. Amazing. You were there with a chick, so I can't ask him, he hooked up with anyone. Was it fun? I had sex. You were exactly there. Good.

Yeah, of course. I assume, I don't know. But I know you're going to be so ambiguous about it. I don't know where no exactly what's happening. I was like so wasted that had I had sex on the balcony of the 31st floor. Oh, I like 4 a.m. That's hot So I don't even know if people are watching or whatever right Yeah, they probably were I've had sex in a hotel balcony too. Yeah, yeah, the second floor. No No, I think it was a higher floor isn't how why you want but men

I think most of your sex is blackout sex. I'd like you to try to have not blackout sex just once No, I do that occasionally. You do. Yeah. Okay good. I just thought that's something to put in your repertoire But I like to make it an event, you know, you just like to have sex whenever whatever, you know I like to you know have a party Have a party and just be wasted right I got it. Well, I'm just saying it's only think about sober sex all right Just you know put in your maybe sometime that in your pipe and smoke it Okay, we've got a special guest here today. We have read mahalco. Hi read good morning. Good morning. Good to see you Yeah, awesome. So you know, I know we've never met it's awesome. I've heard so much about you

Uh-oh good stuff. I hear good stuff about you too So read website is read our read ID about sex read about sex. I like it. It's clever You've got a great website and he's a sex educator sex expert We're gonna talk about polyamory tantric sex whatever you want to talk about dating dating relationships You kind of do it all I get around right? That's what I heard too. I'm a little bit of a sex geek and just and you guys talking about stuff. I have so many questions. Oh, okay Go where's the free flowing? Yeah, well, you can you can start. I don't want to know what you can ask just go. I'm also I'm I'm interested in for you

The like what's your species and dating like what are your rules for dating like the worst guy long distance relationship perfect building a home love it you're like oh my god yeah I mean I can't no building a home not wet I that kind of stuff doesn't turn me on like I would I'm setting up shop there are you moving the Michigan no no not my back to Michigan no way I'm doing this guy so then wasting my time is what you're saying I I'm curious, but it's just, she's on a vacation fling. That's how I'm like, that's fling.

That's how I'm making it. Yeah. The K-A-S-X is great. I love vacation facts. And I love vacation relationships. Vacation relations is what I call long distance relationships because you're always on vacation. When you're in the long distance relationship,

you're always on a vacation, vacation relation. So I think, yeah. Did you guys talk about this? No. It's our second date. You think she's good. I talk about this? No, no, it's on her second day. Do you think she's good? I'm not like well, I really think the master bedroom should be over here I'm not like plan no, no, no, no, is that how you roll? No, I love on the second day You know, he rolls with being clear and focus on the first day and like laying out all your cards

I met people at conferences You know when I'm when I'm teaching or at bars where I will walk up to them. Because I know when I get the butterflies, I'm like, who there's something about this person, you're shiny and sparkly. I will go up to people usually, because I need to know if they're a sex geek. I'm a queer polyamorous slut. If you're conservative Christian monogamous, want to have kids in two years, I'm the devil to you. Right.

So I need to find this out immediately before we go any further if this is, if you're my species or not. You know, so I have certain rules and bottom lines and guidelines that just make my life a lot easier. What are those rules? Well, the first thing if you're monogamous and want to have kids, like we can't, we can hook up, but I can't date you. Right, you don't want kids.

No, and I'm not monogamous. Right. So I'm only going to cause you angst. Like, I need to date people that are thrilled that I'm as slutty as I am. Right. Or else it's just not going to work. Because eventually, if we fall in love,

and there's lots of studies now that kind of, some MRI studies that are great, where they basically the brain centers that are active when you're in love are the same brain centers that are active when you're hooked on cocaine. Yep, I've seen those studies. I've seen those studies. It's like you're font you're going mad.

Like you're in your like a dictate. You're not able to make rational decisions. You're addicted. And so I need to find out if we're a good fit. So that if we fall in love and start making irrational decisions, two, three years later when the love chemistry wears off, you and I might actually be able to salvage a relationship out of this because we're already a good fit.

So I'm the person that like, and I have, you know, make out in the dudes home, you know, awesome, but at the same time, like if he's flying here and expecting to like use you for oh my god, like I've I've crushed on Harrison's fifth grade, you know, and he's rebuilding his life with you and you're like, no, this is vacation sucks. Right. I think it's so that's the kind of stuff you talk about, right? You're saying your whole thing is like what your species like I saw that in your website. That's kind of your thing, right?

Yeah, your species. What do you mean by that exactly? Find people who are a good fit for you. How do you do that? You asked them questions. So do you have like a whole thing of questions that... You want to know what your list is. What's your list, the qualities that you look for? What do you, what do you rules for dating?

I'm sorry, like, I'm coming in and I'm like running your show right now, but like, I'm... No, my rules for dating are, I mean, I have rules that you should be honest, you should be open to them but what you want, I do believe that. You've talked all you want, but not on the first, second date. Why not? I know that you people think that you should.

I walk up to people and I'm like, what, you know, do you wanna hear my safer sex elevator speech? My what? My safer sex elevator speech. That's a really, I'm a big fan of you should be trying to scare people away. Uh-huh. Yeah. I'm a big fan of you should be trying to scare people away from the get go because the ones that you don't scare away are the ones who, that's a great place to start.

It's kind of radical, but I think a lot of people are running into these issues in their relationships because they're falling in love with perfectly good people that are horrible fits for them. Right, we all do that. We've been doing that for a really long time. Yeah. So I think it's interesting.

So what you're saying is that I'll tell you on my, I mean, my rules are just really basic, but I don't, I live by like, you know, like how I do, and all my relationships. Like I think that you have to be like honest and open about what you want. I think you have to pay attention to red flags. You have to pay attention to what,

because people are who they are. And they show themselves, they show them like someone who drinks way too much, parties way too much, hates his mother, hates his job, hates his life, like not passionate about something. Okay. So they don't get the second date. No, no, she loves keep, they keep on going on dates with them. My past, she'll never cut it off.

Like, I, okay, I want to have you ever cut it off after the first day, even though you know it's terrible. Okay. I got to be honest. I'm not great at cutting it off after the first date, but I'm more, it's something that I'm working on. Because I think that I've approached my dates in a lot of ways From my head not for my heart and that's something I've been working on as well Where I can intellectualize my way into a relationship. I used to do this

I haven't done this in a long time But I used to be like oh, maybe he's so great. He's so this and that could work But I'm not feeling I'm just more like thinking about it So I think I could be like well, it wasn't so great I didn't want to rip his clothes off across the table But I'll go out them again and that's waste of my time. Yeah, and you waste their time thinking about it, so I think I could be like, well, it wasn't so great. I didn't want to rip his clothes off across the table, but I'll go out with him again. And that's waste of my time, right?

And you waste their time. Exactly. And this is the thing, like, I mean, my advice is radical. Most people, I think, are relationships are gonna be work anyway. They're gonna be good days and bad days. Car driving up a hill, the engine works harder. That's normal. Most people in the relationship in dating lives are a hill, the engine works harder. That's normal.

Most people in the relationship in dating lives are driving around with the parking brake on. There's extra effort that doesn't need to be there. And if you do that all the time, like you don't notice the smell, your brake pads, you know, wearing down, your friends get in the car like, what's that smell?

You're like, what smell? It's always been like this. I'm just going to try harder. And we don't need that extra effort. So you think that people don't talk about this stuff because they actually don't know it or they don't want to lock it the boat. They either don't know it because they weren't role model to this kids. Which most of us were not. Yeah my mom and dad never sat me down and was like, we eat. This is how your father and I figured out what our rules are in relation.

Right. Like they don't do that. No. And then most people are just trying to be loved and appreciate it. And the metrics for love in our society, like success is still duration. And that's the wrong metric. It's like we prove the relationship was worthwhile, and our love was strong by making sure it lasts longer. Right.

And that basically means that you're just going to like wear it into the ground until your brake pads, you know, wear it down and then the car just doesn't stop and you can crash into a building. Well, the problem is she knows what she wants. What do you want? She knows. He thinks that I want to be an impolianist relationship. You do. Just give it up already. That's what you want. I think that I want to be an impolite amorous relationship. You do. Just give it up already. That's what you want. I think that I've been exploring it.

I may, I may, how can I help? Help me, help me. I just think that I typically have been in monogamous relationship that didn't really work. Okay. Why did they work? For a lot of reasons. Because I think they didn't work because I always got

restless and you like to bang a lot of people. Sometimes, yeah. Okay. I think they didn't work because I always got restless and you liked it banging a lot of people. Sometimes, yeah. Okay. Yeah. And I- Not be exclusive. She's very, you're very afraid of being exclusive.

I'm afraid. She's very, I'm afraid of being exclusive and I always felt like I got pressured into every relationship or like they were like, we really want to come in. I'm like, really? Already? Like I hate the boyfriend girl fun terms. Hate all that stuff. Makes me to come in. I'm like, really, already, like, I hate the boyfriend girlfriend terms, hate all that stuff, makes me like itch, uncomfortable.

So, but I've been exploring it and having people like you on the show and talking and reading, going to workshop, all that stuff, but I haven't really been with anyone who is. So I'm just here for you to suck my brain. Exactly, I'm sucking your brain. Oh my God. Do you mind if I suck your brain?

I do that to all my guests. I suck their brains. So, okay. So I'm here for brain sex. Yeah, brain sex. I suck their brains. Okay. So, okay. So, I'm here for brain sex. Yeah, brain sex. I love brain sex. Yes.

Yeah, it's awesome. So, no, I just, but also it's for my listeners. It's for me. This is not just for me. This is for our listeners. It is, but I think that men just seem to think. And I don't think that I've totally, because I think it has to do with the, like, I guess, you know what?

Maybe I have flawed way of thinking that I've thought, like like I'll meet somebody. I feel like it's about another person Like I would meet somebody and then we would make our own relationship Happen in whatever way, but be the change you want to see in the bedroom exactly like you're if you're waiting for some You want to find all that stuff. Yeah, and it's not even cliche, but like I mean it is a cliche It's said all the time, but the idea that you actually have to start saying no to things to start finding your yeses. And the idea that when you start to, even if you just hazard a guess, I think I'm non-exclusive. I think I'm non-monogamous or monogamous,

you have to start implementing that. So that means like for me, when I meet somebody that, oh my God, you're awesome. And they're like, yeah, I'm monogamous. I'm like, have a great day. Right. No, see, well, that's the where the problem comes in because she won't say, have a great day. Well, and she'll just, she'll stay.

But this is the thing, like, I'm not even saying, like, I'm- Because I haven't totally committed to that's what I want. Well, you have to try. I did try. And I'm not telling you to be poly. I'm not saying polyamory and non-monogamy's more evolved. Right.

I'm saying, you know, fine, if relationships are music, we all want to conservatory. You know, classical music, monogamy is what we were taught exactly That's all we were taught and you know you might Roomed with somebody a conservatory who is this great classical musician who just loved classical It just bought came out of them. They couldn't get enough of Bach But you're a jazz musician, but you don't know it because nobody gave you permission right so until you say I'm going to try being non-monogamous

and actually trying it out, it's really hard to figure out what makes you happiest. And sometimes you have to try something out to be like, wow, that's not me. And people don't give themselves that permission. If you're monogamous, I want you to be monogamous. Right. Because you will make a monogamous person very happy. You know, so date your species. Right. That's even my date your species going back to that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a slut. My life works really well when I date sluts. They get it. When I do find them. I will show you. Okay. I don't like when you do the hall of the hall of deep voice thing. It's frightening. It scares you.

Yeah. Like, how do you even pick up on people like doing that? But that's the thing is the people that find me silly and goofy. Yeah. Those are the ones you like. People who like his deep voice. Because I'm a goofball. Like, I am a golden retriever on a espresso of sex and relationships gigs.

Right? If you need a serious person who's really intense, like I'm not going to make you happy. Like I'm going to crack in jokes and bed. So how many people are you sleeping with right now? Well nobody. Not at this moment but in your orbit. In my orbit. I, well I got tested yesterday. Awesome. And the clinician was like, so how many, how many partners do you have right now? And I'm like, my this month, or like in usual, I said 28. This month, this month, 28. Well, I mean, I think I have like a, if you look at my love life, like

it's an electron, like a, you know, there's the nucleus, and then there's all the electron shells orbiting around it, you know, it's an atom, I probably have about 28 electrons. Right. And then there are other atoms that come by sometimes and we form a molecule or just like 28 on your contact list that you can just go to the other side. There's more than that, but I'm just,

Well, you're 28, like, there's at least 28 people that I see every year. Okay, and now these 28 people know what's going on. I will not sleep with somebody unless they know because it's in ethical. It's unethical of me to sleep. I sleep with so many people that you see with men and women. Yes. Right. Now it's hard for me when I find men that I really want to get it on with. Mostly it's women, but everyone's wrong. Yes. Okay. Got it. So all these women you're with are like they're also sluts or polyamorous too

Yes, or they just say but don't you find the ones are like oh, yeah, I'm totally polyamorous But then they fall in love with you. Yeah, and then I'm like what you're stupid right what do you think I was lying? Right right right right? It's important to tell what you want. Yeah, so how do you find the sluts? This is like semi up. Can I have some of this context? No, I'm just asking. Well, I mean, for me, I mean, they're usually sex geek, so I find them. I find my lovers and my friends from other lovers and friends, also professionally speaking, you know, when I'm teaching at conferences and things like that, like that's kind of how my social networking happens, you know.

And then the people who are attending your conferences are obviously more open to. Well, yeah, and then I'm like Polly I'm right. This is what's what's interesting is people when they look at me are like wow, Read you just talked that person for five minutes and then you you hooked up But what they don't understand is in that five minutes the conversation that we're having I'm going through a lot of Information and vetting whether they're a good fit or not. I don't take my casual sex casually. So what they don't see is the other 50 people I talk to and I'm like, oh, you're awesome, but this would be a horrible idea for us to get to get it on. Right. You know, but they they see me have a five minute conversation and pick somebody up and

everyone already knows him very promiscuous. So like, oh, they're, you know, there's read doing this thing. He sleeps with everybody. Technically, no. Technically, yes. No, because I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be sleeping when somebody fights up with everybody. You probably just slept with someone this morning and then you were a little late, so I'm just kidding. I didn't have sex this morning.

You did? I'm saving myself. My friends in the gay community say, though, it's me. He's saving himself for me. Yeah. Maybe you two minutes, I'm not sure. Oh, no, no medicine Medicine to be wasted and you need to have you need to have a vagina drunk sex is hard for me. Yeah, yeah I don't get that drunk good. Yeah, not a big drinker

My friends in the gay community tell me though. It's just a look. It's not really a conversation. They say I just look tell me though it's just a look it's not really a conversation they say I just look over across the club or the bar and then we just leave. Yeah but that that's more there's like five minutes into that being there. Yeah I mean I'm not like that I in certain situations I can't be like if we're in a play party environment where things have already been kind of set up. But the thing is like if I'm I'm looking for community ultimately like even if we just have a casual hook up, you know, I'm getting to know you. Some people love having deep conversations with people, right? Yeah, but I love having those deep conversations with my body. So we can get to know each other, but at the same time, I'm also trying to figure out like are we a good fit for being friends and fuck buddies?

And not everybody's a good fit Right, and I don't want to risk you and I having a really powerful Physical experience and now all of a sudden we start imprinting on each other and falling in love and then we start making Kookie unrational decisions And then it's three years later when the love drugs weren't off that I realized that we're a bad fit, but socially we have to wait for the train wreck

for us to get out. It sounds similar to me in some ways because I believe that the love hormone whatever runs out after three years. And then you're just kind of like silently suffering through monogamy and then you had kids at that time so then you got to like not have sex because of the kids.

It's not how you think of every single relationship. Well, I think it's kind of true. But it's not just monogamy. There are people that are suffering through polyamory. Yeah, no, right. That's what I say before you came in that all relationships take work and you suffer in all relationships and you have joy in great joy in all relationships too. But to say that like polyamory is any harder than monogamy, I think is fall.

The heart is hard. No, the relationships are hard. Relationships are hard Relationships are hard, no matter what Like they're work, so show up to work hard But if you're doing, it's like, you know, if you love math And calculus is kicking your ass, you still love math You know, but people, date your species so that you're in the math class that you want to be in

So that even when it's hard, you you're like this is hard but I love it. People often do work though around figuring out what their species are right and that's what you're that's what you're working up. I teach a lot of different things like today I'm teaching a kissing workshop. Oh you are? Okay, so tell me about the speed. You're just asking me what my species are. I just think I go with like who I'm attracted to and who I'm, I don't know. I mean, I don't think that I have, I'm sure I have a species, but since I'm still kind of girl.

Can we go from beginning, can you ask a word or a species? Oh yeah, that's good. So what do you think your species is then? I've never really thought about that. I guess I don't know the thing that I have a type isn't that kind of like what you're asking in a way or like what kind of guys right? They eat all different kinds of guys. No, like what are the main qualities?

See, does she dodge it? I'm not dodging. It's not dodging if people don't have it really thought about it this far. Yeah, I can tell you right now. What? I want to be an exclusive relationship Okay, I want somebody that's a hard worker that has their own thing going on that works as much as I do Black hair not a blonde that's like three qualities right there. That's great. Okay. Yeah, I like I just already said earlier I like someone who is passionate about their life passion passionate about something in their life, like they're not like miserable, they're not the victim, they're like a good heart tall, I like

tall, that's my superficial trait, but I do short if I have to, and yeah, and I like, no good family, like his family, like doesn't hate his mom or like You know doesn't it's just like all around like good like not and you know not a mean person So this is what this could be why you're you're falling in love or dating good people Really good people bad fits for you right like it used to be for a great grandparents, if you married a good person, and they didn't beat you or drink too much, then oh my God, you got you got off lucky. If you have good kids and they're healthy and your kids have good kids and you're still together, you win at the game of life, right? That's not what we need now in relationships. The reasons why we stay together are a lot more complex.

So you need to make your decisions be a little bit more complex, where else you're just rolling the dice. Not that people don't fall in love with somebody who's a good fit for them, never having done the homework. But if you're not doing the homework, yeah. So like, here's an idea. Do you like shoes? You love shoes.

It's a loaded question to ask. Oh, obsessed. So, so you'll just buy any kind of shoe. No. As long as it fits right, as long as it's comfortable to walk in. Five in chills. Oh, how did, what do you, we'll say more about that. Why are you so specific? Four to five in tails. But a good pair of flats is a decent shoe.

Uncomfortable. I can't walk in flats. I fall in flats. Okay. So why aren't you being specific in your relationships? Because basically you're dating a perfectly decent pair of flats and you're not happy and it's not their fault and then you take it out on them. So conscious. Yeah, I know what you're saying.

And I don't take it out on them, but I know what you're saying. Because I feel like I blame, most people blame the other person in relationships, but I feel like I do blame myself. Because I feel like most Got the extra be like data. They're not evil. They're not wrong. They're not bad guy It's just a matter of like not a good fit But I think when I was younger I used to be like well, he's this and he's that and these are all the problems But I think that if it's not really what you want doesn't mean that there's something's wrong with that person

It's more like me exactly. So like what are your bottom lines? Like what how do you know? What are the things you would never do in a relationship or somebody where do you be like wow like we're done? Like we're breaking up right now like what's what are some of your Some of you hit me. Okay, perfect. Awesome. I don't need the excuses to why you hit me. We are done Please get your CDs and moves. Right. Okay. Well, I think that's what we prim point though is that she's afraid To tell people up front these things right? Well, yeah, we'll work on that. Yeah. Oh my god I think that's what therapy session Jesus so much therapy But your relationships your dating will become more fun. I agree. I totally have so much more ease

When you start like you will define most most of your dating life by what you say no to, which is a radical conversation, especially for women in this culture, because we're like, we're all afraid we're going to be alone. Right. You know, and then then my next question is the sex geek is, well, do you have community of friends around you? Yeah. Where you're getting a lot of your mood and needs to met. See, I do. This is what I'm saying. I have the most amazing friends, very close group of friends. I don't feel like alone is what I'm saying. I have the most amazing friends, very close to group of friends.

I don't feel like alone. I'm not afraid. I'm going to be alone because I have so many. I would never have created my family in San Francisco. Okay. And so I don't ever feel lonely or alone. I feel like it'd be nice to meet someone whatever, but I feel like I'm always going to have that in my life.

Like, I get that. So, okay. And now we think that you might wanna explore or be non-monogamous, like intentionally non-monogamous. Right, intentionally. Okay, which means you should probably be vetting for and looking to date or go on for coffee with people who are already non-monogamous.

Right. Well, see, here's the hitch. This is the hitch right here, ready? I'm just gonna step out, yeah. You ready for the hitch. Yeah. Okay. She wants to be polyamory, but the person that she was polyamorous, sorry, but the person that she's dating, this is not true. That's not true. That's not true. But you can find that. Come on. I've never said that. It's not true. It makes sense. It makes sense.

I'm about to find some guys like cool. Go out and make sense. It can be possible. I'm not going to find some guys like cool. Go out and bang whoever. I'm just going to be home here. I know some of them. That's the guy that you want. Like they're out there. Really what you're talking about is a polymano relationship.

That's what you want. You want the guy that will be exclusive to you. She doesn't know what you want, yet. And she'll sleep with anybody. Would you date a slut like me? Would I date you? Yeah, I'm not sure Yeah, maybe yeah probably I'm flexible so so so but so here are some of the other questions, right? Like if we're gonna have like okay, so now we're betting each other, right?

Because for me I want to vet you before I go out on the right. Right, right. It's just easier. And I think a lot of people think dating for them is when they start the conversation. Or it's like the third date is when we start the conversation if we should really be trying to look at each other for a relationship. So you first find out if you're dating for fun, like if you're dating just because you like social interactions, you like people, you're a peepie, or if you just wanna have,

you know, sex with nice people, or are you dating to find out if you're looking for somebody for partnership? Right. You know, like know those things, like why are you even dating? Right. And then asking, this is why I bring it up really quickly when I'm dating people and looking to date them.

When I tell you all the scary stuff about me, then I go, what about you? And what you say in those next two or three minutes or five minutes tells me volumes about how self-aware you are, where you are in your own relationships, what you like, what you don't like. So I want to, that's the quickest way for me to find out what your emotional IQ. And I don't need people to be perfect But I need people to be self-aware Well, what are we doing? I'm just I'm having a relationship or going on a day with a zombie and if I'm like Playing therapist you better be paying me right no, I agree

I need some and that's another one of my bottom line someone who's done it I someone who's done his work and himself knows who he is And that's another one of my bottom lines. Someone who's done his work and himself knows who he is. You're not self-aware. You're afraid of giving yourself the answers. Being afraid is different than... I'm so self-aware. OK, but you're afraid to be true to what the answers really are.

Well, because... I'm so sorry. ...that she's not giving her permission to... My call says not giving me any permission. To be monogamous or any of that stuff. I'm and I'm sitting here like so we're back to back to dating me would you date somebody like me? I don't really do yet. Yeah, maybe you sure okay, so the fact that I will occasionally bang dudes It doesn't bother you or ideally is like I think that's hot. I Don't think that's hot. I don't think that's hot. I don't think that's hot.

That's hot. What if we were, what if me and another dude were banging you? That would be hot. That would be hot. Right. Okay. Yeah, that'd be cool. Okay.

I'll be down with that. So you would have a better chance of having, there are a lot of people that don't want to do this. Yeah, a lot of people wouldn't want to do this. And that's the thing is like it's okay not to like stuff. And sometimes the only way you know is, why I have to try it? Because why? I've never tried it.

And like, wow, a guy, guy, girl, three, so not so, not my thing. You know, but if you're sitting there like as a sex and relationship geek and you're like, that might be my thing, then it's really helpful if you dating. Oh, I'd say no. Yeah, you'd be willing to explore.

For sure. OK. And the fact that I have a lot of partners doesn't turn you off. No. OK. Does it turn you on? No.

No. OK. That's really good to know. So already there, you and I would need to have a more conversation about that. Because I. But it doesn't turn me off or on. I'm just kind of like that's who you are.

Like I just. But we're going to date for like two or three years. Like, I'm sleeping with like, 100 people. 100 of hundreds of hundreds of people. Like, you're going to have to step up if you want to keep up. Oh, no, it's not, it's, it's not about that. Which is going to be your relationships. Walk me through like, do you a primary partner?

I have a primary partner. You've had, and you've had it for a long time. Yeah. She and I have been together for almost five years now. Okay. And how does it work? Break it down. Do you live together?

Yeah, we live together. Okay. We share a space. We share a lot of friends and lovers. You know, we both sleep with the same people. Okay. I'm more slutty than she is. She's kind of like slut light.

Right. And, you know, she's, you used to identify as a lesbian, now she's just queer, you know, I'm queer. Right. You know, every once in a while, she's attracted to a dude, but mostly it's women.

So she's like, But she's attracted to you obviously. Yeah. And how often do you guys have sex living together after five years? Oh, a couple of times a week. Oh, that's good. Yeah, unless I'm on the road, you know.

Right. So, I mean, the least. you know, and so, I mean, the least. So you do call that, is that your girlfriend, or is that your partner? Yeah, she's my partner. She's my primary partner. Do you fill her in on all the like 28 people

that you stopped with last week? She's usually around when I'm sleeping with the 28 people. And she doesn't care. I mean, sometimes she has jealousy, but. Right, because jealousy comes up, which is a big thing, you know. Well, it's not even a big thing, I get it's normal. Totally, right? And our culture's like, oh, you know, but it's not even a big thing I get it's normal totally right and in our culture is like oh jealousy It means something's wrong with your relationship. It's not something's not wrong

It's wrong if it's destroying your relationship, but jealousy is normal right and visa normal people get jealous You know in the workplace about somebody getting a promotion that doesn't mean you're during the wrong job Right, I agree. Chelseaalice is totally normal. You have to learn. That's one of the big things that challenges for being in a polyamorous relationship, I think it's Jalice comes up way more. It's challenging in monogamy. It is challenging in monogamy.

You're right. I French Jalice like it's asthma. Know your triggers, learn how to avoid your triggers or get inoculated to those triggers. It's so true knowing your triggers. I think that's so smart with Jalice. Because people are triggered over different things like I'm never jealous about other women like just my thing like I never think oh, I wish it'd be like her Why'd she like her but maybe I'll get jealous if?

Like he doesn't call or city would not jealous or I were I don't think oh what's he doing like he's not it's a ego It's all ego mostly, but um you've never gotten jealous ever not really I mean never I've gotten jealous if like Not because I think this woman or this person was like better or whatever like a hotter or cuter I don't I don't think like that. I feel like my mind doesn't go to jealousy It really doesn't like that's not like a primary thing for me like in relationships I'm usually pretty open and like whatever I'm confident enough, but I've been jealous very few times of my life. Maybe I'm just out of touch with it. I'm pretty

like, I'm trusting and I'm open and I'm like, you know, more than married. I don't get jealous now. All right. Is that weird? You must be the only woman on the planet that it's no one's sure I have a... I know, jealous. But that thing is like everyone's different. Like, it sounds like a cliche, but it's true. Some people don't get jealous. Have you met a person that never gets jealous?

I don't get jealous very often, which is problematic, which is what. But when jealousy does come up, it like wreaks havoc on me, because I'm not used to it coming up all the time. People get jealous all the time, can actually learn how to navigate it. And like their jealousy muscles are kind of well well well. Right, it's a muscle. It totally is a muscle. You have to learn how to do with it.

And I like to wait your trigger. Yeah, I know I like your trigger. Don't talk about it like that in our culture. And this is the beginning of it. Like you just need to talk about sex and relationships more with the people that you're potentially looking to date. Hi, can you talk to Emily? I have a question there.

This is Emily. Hi, I was wondering if you were in a poly relationship, would you ever worry that your significant others would get jealous of each other? Would my significant others get jealous of each other? Yeah, they probably would. I would think that would happen, but But it's something that you have to work on. You think they would fight over you. No, I think that Jealousy could occur in that situation. Sure. Anything is possible. Would you keep them separate?

Well, you know in the past I have like I've when I've done my polyamory thing it was more like an open relationship It was like we were dating other people, but he didn't want to know about anyone I was dating. You know what I mean? So what does it don't ask for the help which doesn't work? repeal. repeal. I'm sorry, tell me your name. Lola? Lola, that's a good name. Do you think it would affect your long-term relationships with any of them? Do I think it would affect my long-term relationship with me if they got jealous? Yeah, like you could have one, or like long-term relationships with one of them, but other ones might go through because they like a jealous.

Yeah, I think anything's possible. Can I speak to the jealousy piece? Hi, Lollits, Reid. The jealousy piece, I think, is really usually about or indicates that there are other needs in the relationship for them that aren't being met or haven't been expressed. So the idea of when people have are feeling jealous, do they have the emotional IQ in the courage to tell you I'm feeling jealous? And then to try to work through what's going on, what's the need underneath? My feeling insecure about our relationship, then I can offer reassurance, you know, can you give me reassurance that things are fine?

You know, when you start to break down what your needs are and be able to speak up and get some of those needs addressed, not always from your partner, sometimes from your community or your other lovers, then there's a tendency for jealousy to kind of, you know, subside. Okay, got it. Thanks a little.

We got another call coming in. Okay. Sorry. Hi, you're on the section of the Emily Show. Who's calling? Hi, Emily. Yes. Hey, I have a question for you.

My name is Andrew. Hi, Andrew. How you doing? Good. How are you? I'm doing great. Are you masturbating right now? You seem long-winded. I'm wondering, do you believe in a polyamorous lifestyle? Do I believe in it? Yeah. Absolutely I believe in it. I

believe that it exists in the world. What do you mean do I believe in it? Yes, for myself. Do you believe it works? Yeah, I do believe it works. I believe it works for some people and I believe it doesn't work for other people. Do you, what you weren't wondering about that for yourself? Yes. And I'm wondering, have you ever tried it? Not officially. Not out in the open.

Not on officially? Not officially. I've been playing with it. Do you think that somebody could have that type of relationship or life? Yeah for sure many people do. Yeah, Pali Emory is totally I believe in it I believe it exists I believe I know people in Pali Emory's relationships are super healthy and open and honest and all that stuff. Okay then how can I get my girlfriend to bring home a girl? That's a really good question.

The man says alcohol. Well, does she want to? Have you talked about it? You believe she does? You got to talk to her about it first. It's not the kind of thing you can just bring out. You have. And she said she wants to. She says that she's into it and would be willing to try. Okay, and try, yeah. We're wondering, like, how would we hit on or pick up girls that would want both of us at the couple, not just one of us alone.

We use raising hands, you know, so okay, go ahead, we've got an expert here. Yeah, so Andrew, there's, I teach a workshop called Negotiating Successful 3Sums. And so the, of course you do. Of course I do. The best advice I have for you is for you and your partner to talk about the kind of person. Like what are the qualities of the woman that you would want to have in your bed? What species of women.

What species of woman are you looking to invite? And then I would recommend going to workshops or conferences or events where people who are actively practicing non-monogamy are going to whether it's swingers, you know, events or polyamorous event or just like, you know, general sex geeks, you know, kind of gathering, and then from that pond, start fishing for that person. You're going to get a much worse return on your investment trying to hit on the girl at the end of the bar or at your gym because there's a good chance that they're not interested in a threesome. So I think you can alleviate a lot of your problems by upgrading

the kind of person that you're looking for and starting with the fact that there's somebody who's already interested in open relationships or you know, three-some type sacks. Emily, how do you lock down your three sums? My three sums have all been very organic. Yeah. Yeah, like they just, they weren't, they had to be negotiated. Thank you. Yeah.

They, they, it wasn't in the committal, really. We were all sort of fluid. Just hanging out. Just kind of hanging out and all kind of flowed. They just happened Yeah, no friends or yeah, we're all friends and it was like perfect So that's yeah, so how would somebody lock down somebody would lock down through some I think by By you have to discuss all this stuff ahead of time that you have to discuss what your rules are if you're in a committed

Really I was not and none of us were committed so that was more fluid and it worked because none of us had expectations or had you know But if you're in a committed relationship, you have to like have those talks beforehand and see like are where you are A lot to kiss the person. Are you gonna have sex the person? So do you like group sex? Group sex I've had three so groups try to rehabilitate this person I would probably try a little bit because I'm kind of, oh, maybe who's the bad kiss the first time? Have you had that many bad kissers in my life, really? But I know that people do, and a lot of people are like,

men, it's a deal breaker, right? Yeah, no. Or he doesn't kiss them, he just has sex with them, and he doesn't just have sex with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no kissing. No kissing if they're a bad kisser. Like, I'll kiss them for a little bit,

just because that's where you're supposed to do. But if they're a bad kisser, then, I mean, I still have sex with them. If they're bad at Felicia, will you let them blow you? No, no, I won't. OK, I'll tell them. It's too extended. Bottom line.

This is good. Your rules, your rules, no bad blow jobs. No, no, I'll tell them they're bad too. Life is too short for a bad blow job. Yeah, it's true. It's true. It's totally true. So kissing for you.

Kissing isn't really important. I have an idea. OK. I'm running a an idea. Okay. I'm running a kissing workshop. Okay. And I need a demo model. What do you mean?

I need somebody to make out with to demonstrate certain kissing. It's called the full body kiss. And I think you should come and tomorrow watch out for the new demo. If you're free, I know you're a busy person. Uh, what is it? Huh? It's, uh, it's happening later. Okay.

Like, it's happening tomorrow. Okay. Yeah. What do I have to do? I've to wait. Okay, back up. Back up. See, see, this is good. See, you're flustered.

I like this. No, I would, you wouldn't believe it. And you're quiet, so we'll just do something right now. No, I'm just thinking like to I'm trying to figure out What you meant by what if full body kiss? Yeah me too. What is what is that? A lot of people think kissing is just about using their mouth and they forget that they have a rest of the body And they forget that their partner has a rest of the body So the idea is how do you some people are just bad kissers because they just don't know what to do with the rest of it

And they do all the wrong stuff right the rest of their body. Yeah okay. And there's a lot to be done with with the mouth and what not as well. Or are you talking about like holding the face when you kiss somebody? Yeah, how do you hold the body using pressure, using body weight, there's lots of things that you I get really geeky about this stuff. There's ways you can activate the pelvic floor muscles, the PC muscles, when you're making out that will enhance somebody else's experience. Really? Because she loves the people going down there. You know? See, I like to keep it clean. Yeah. She loves that. Is the family show? Yeah. So she does think. Once you said full body kids, that's what she's thinking. No, I was thinking that. Yeah, you know, because that's your favorite thing. But that's a kind of lingus workshop

If I wanted to do a kind of lingus workshop What is a full body kiss? You're talking about your whole body. You'll have to come to the workshop Hell no, I'm not coming. So it's easy what I do This workshop back up. I'm your kissing model. Yeah, so if you want to be what would I do? You would allow Hi, you're on the sex family show. How can we help you? Can I hold on one second?

Hold on one second. Hold on one second. Can you agree with me that she should just try on her next date for her to just put it all out on the table in the beginning for one second? Hold on a minute please. Just like put it out on the table exactly what she wants. Yeah.

Like Ryan, in the beginning. Not only do I agree, I think that most people should be trying that approach. Right. But I'm still trying to figure it out. Tell them I know that I'm... Because you're role modeling from the get go. Talk to me openly and honestly. Don't give me the bullshit.

Don't give me the facade of what you think I want. Most people are asking for what they think they can get not being who they are. So I'm trying to position myself so that you're attracted to me rather than just being me and let you figure out if you're attracted to me. So you should do that on your next date. Yeah, I'll work on it. I'll work on it. What do you want me to do?

I'm trying to do that. I should be last our call. It's cool, they'll call back. Okay. Well, just why not try it out for just like, you know, I will. I will. I still think that I am I'm not committed to saying that I'm in it. I would want to be a non-

Non-inducing relationship. I'm exploring it. Yeah, yeah, I would say that okay. I'll do that I'll do that asap my next date whenever that is you'll say look I'm looking to You know have an exclusive relationship, but maybe I see with a couple other people I don't know are you working at some fantasy here? No, but I just want I she even live by Karez Lee her I have been doing a radio show with this woman for six to seven years now Yes, and day one I know what the hell she wants, but she will not admit it. That's not true. It's evolved over time Go. Oh, all right. You got a caller That's not true. It's evolved over time. Go! Alright.

Thank God, saved by the collar. Hi! Welcome to the Sexual Family Show. Who am I speaking with? Hi! Is this Emily? This is Emily. No, it's James. Hi, Melissa. Hi, Melissa. How are you?

I'm good. Good. I have a question for Emily. Have you ever been to an orgy or in an orgy? I've never been in an orgy before. Have you ever been to an orgy or in an orgy? I've never been in an orgy before. Have you? What? Uh, no, but has any of you? Yes.

I'll read, has. Yeah, I was in one, um, yesterday. He just came from home. Four days ago. He was zipping with his pants when he walked in the door. It's a button fly. Um, yeah. Does it smell as bad as you would imagine it would?

That's a great question. Um, no, it doesn't smell as bad as you would imagine it would that's a great question um no it doesn't smell as bad as you would imagine it would your imagination will usually run you know and get the best of you you've been orgy parties though right i've been to like play parties and you've seen that happen yeah i've seen it happen but i've never participated personally are you curious about going to an orgy and you have concerns about what it might smell like? Caller? Hello?

Yeah, I would like to go to an orgy. I think I'd like to go to an orgy with Emily. Do you want to go Emily? Would you go? Would I go to an orgy? Uh, yes, yes. You have to be older than 12. I don't know what it is.

You sound like you have some issues. No, no. You have some data issues. That's why you sound like you're 12. Oh don't know what it is. You sound like you have some issues. No. No. You have some data issues. That's why you sound like you're 12. Oh, I have never been to an orgy, but I'm a little nervous about it. I've been invited. You've been invited. You should totally go, but and you should go. I don't know that I'm the person to go with you, but I think that you should go with someone that you feel safe with. Are you dating anyone? You sent an intern on an orgy party. I did. I sent my interns. And my intern will go with you. What did you do? I started.

How do you start the orgy? Well, it was like a play party that they went to. And it was, it was, you know, it was like a, why are you laughing? I mean, I'm just, I'm curious. I just want to hear. Yeah, she sent it in. She sent an intern to an orgy. OK.

She asked me if she could go. It wasn't an orgy. It was like a play party, whatever. And they, public sex. That's saying, right? It's very similar. It's what the kids are calling play parties. Orgy's these days are playing.

Yeah, you're right. They're play parties. So yes, and I did send my intern there and she had a wonderful time. But I didn't send her. She asked me if I could hook her up with something. And she had public sex for the first time, which was awesome. She had a great time.

I have not done that person. But you've seen them. Totally seen them. Totally seen it. Yes. I have to just see if I'm in the mood to go. I can't say I'm going to go with you, sweetie, but I think you should find a friend to go with you, for sure.

Someone that you feel comfortable and safe with. And go try it out. OK. I would like to try it. I think you should. Thank you. Okay. I'm fine with that. What? No, I'm just saying. Have you been- have you been no play party yet? No. No. Menace is very conservative and needs to have more

experiences in his life sexually. Why? I know what I want. I don't need to go explore more. When you know what you want, you don't need to go explore more. When you know what you want You don't need to go explore more. I've been doing forever. No, I can care like you don't you don't need to I mean, but I think for some people if they're curious about stuff like first off going to a play party Doesn't mean you're going to have sex like voyeurism is participation Right, you know, you can you can go to Disney World and not ride any of the rides And I think for some people just the titillation and the excitement of who doing something edgy or out of the box is the kind of stuff that you know is fun to do with a partner or you know by yourself just for your own like wow what's the world like and a lot of people

don't give themselves that kind of permission when it comes to sex and relationships because we owe it's it's gonna be bad or it's gonna ruin my relationship like it a sex party I don't know I just want to shake you open you up why my clothes why do you guys are dating like what's the like this is like a romcom right now really why seven years and living vicariously through her I don't live is this the twist at the end of the show you guys kiss I do not want to have the relationship life that she has no way you protesting a little too much. Why? Not me. Yeah, I'm just saying you're all you think works kidding. Okay. I don't want to have the same relation because I want to find somebody that I can spend the rest of my life with I see he wants to be I believe in that still it's and it's out there yeah when when you date

you look at love with your life's time thanks honey talk to soon yeah we gotta wrap this up peeps oh why are you kidding I'm not I just because we do over running out of time but um I love you both what what are you gonna say no I agree I'm just saying close mine because I know what I want I just feel like you because I'm not just because I know what I want? I just feel like you, because I'm not. Just because I don't want to go to wild sex parties. I think that sexually, sexually, sexually.

But I'm just saying go, bang multiple people, like B-poly and everything. I just think you need to explore more and not only have drunken sex. I'm just saying, mix it up. Okay. That's all I'm saying for you, man.

So I want for you. Sex that you do not. You should find somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with. I'm like so tight right now. Right. I think that's the end. Yeah, I should, but I'm probably not going to. But we'll see.

Well, no, but you can find what? Don't make it about duration people. Make it about honesty and depth. I think that they don't make 75 year anniversary cards anymore for the most part. Why? It's not because people aren't living long enough You know stop making it about duration if you find somebody and you guys end up Being a good fit for the rest of your life awesome I think it's more important if you have the integrity to be like you know what?

I don't think this is working anymore. I think our needs are changing and I think we need to transition that relationship That's having balls. And a lot of people aren't doing that. They're miserable. And life is too short. You've got from very good points today about dating your species and stating what you need and what your wants are on the first day.

And we're gonna make out in public. And we're gonna make out in public. I'm making out in public. I've never done that. I mean, I made out in public, but not like for a workshop. So I'm here, right? To see continued learning, section of Emily.

Okay, everyone, that's Reed, Mahalco. You can find them at readREID about sex.com. Reed, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. And awesome. Menacee are a cute rock star. What? Love you mean it.

I'm gonna seem like what I'm reading to it. I don't. I don't. Actually, today I don't want to murder you at all. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemlee.com.