Sex With Emily - Episode 356 - Friends With Benefits

Episode Date: December 14, 2011

Emily talks about the best way to tell someone you're not interested in dating anymore, crazy stalker ex-boyfriends, taking Viagra recreationally, sacrificial blowjobs, kegel exercises for men and women and what really are the benefits in having a “Friends With Benefits” relationship? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Nice. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information go to sexwithemily.com where you can listen to all of our podcasts or send up our mailing list. And check out all of the awesome shows we've been doing. Thanks everyone for becoming friends with benefits members. You know, if you're friends with benefits member, you get all our shows.

We do four shows a week, you get special benefits, discounts, all this stuff. So thanks everyone for doing that. Today, Menace is out. He's doing some kind of concert thing, but I've got my lovely intern Lauren sitting in. Hi, Lauren. Hello.

How are you? I'm pretty good. How are you? I'm good. Good to have you here. Today's show, we'll be talking about the infamous friends with benefits relationships. Not our, not our membership program,

but what does it mean? We get tons of emails about this. Do friends benefits work? how does it work? Am I right for a friends benefit situation? So we're gonna get into that. We're also gonna be reading your emails and we'll also be doing a little bit of sex in the news. We got a lot of stuff going on today.

So Lauren and I, though, we're having a really interesting talk on the way over. And I think this is a talk that I need to share with everyone because I think it's pertinent. I think you can help us and we'd love to get your advice. So recently I went on a date with a guy and we had a nice, I came over right here this morning but we had a nice date.

We had a little picnic in in Tiburon which is a nice little town outside of the city right on the water. He made food, he made co-cock-cuzoned brand of hot cocoa. He's a pilot, he's a rock climber, which I used to be really into rock climbing. And we had a nice chat, he was like a two-hour thing, he threw me up in the air, he was doing like acrobatic yoga. And he was fun. In the park. In the park. On the water. Yeah, he was like throwing me around. And it was fun. It was a fun date. Did I feel love connection? Did I want to kiss them? No, I did not feel like this was my next guy

But I liked him. I like him enough to think oh that'd be fun to do more acrobatic yoga to go rock climbing sometime So he said to me Let's do this again some time. I'm like great end of the date So you'd ask me do you think about it? I think I was talking a minute about it, and he's like, well, you should've said, no, you should've said, no, what is the right thing to do in this situation? I don't want to be romantic with the guy,

but I also think it's premature. After a two hour date, when we had a perfectly nice time for me to get into the whole conversation, you know, I really don't want to do this again, because then it makes them feel like he's a bad person and he's something wrong. And I just feel like, yeah, we'll see what happens. So I was thinking, if he called me again and he said, I really like you.

I think it was great. Let's have dinner or let's like to take you out that I would then say, you know what, I'm not feeling it romantically, but we should be friends. So anyway, he did call me again, but what he said to me was, can you go rock climbing sometime? So that's not dinner. That's not dinner and that's not saying I'm into it changed things. So I was in the middle of the street walking with Kelsey my assistant and I was like, we were walking in the middle of a bunch of stuff and I was like, sorry, I can't I'm really

busy the next few weeks, which I am. The holidays are coming up. It's crazy. And I was like, but you know, let's stay in touch. So did I did I did I do the wrong thing? What do guys out there and what do women do? Do you, would you rather have me said at that moment, you know what, I'm not feeling this, no, you're out of my life forever. I just feel like I made it as a connection. He could be a new friend, a new guy, and I didn't want to say to him in this whole moment because I've had that in the past where I've said to guys, you know, I don't feel this, I'm not feeling this connection.

They're like, what are you talking about? I didn't feel it either. I'm just asking you for a date. So like, I didn't know, either i'm just asking you for a day so i didn't know how you know what do you think casket defensive i think everyone gets defensive when that happened yeah he feels rejected like do i really need to reject him or is it better to do the slow fade now Lauren can tell her story

okay well there's the fade that's a popular thing to do you tell the guy yes and then you never come back yeah i went through the you know slow fade one okay so i i had a great time he's an awesome, you know, slow fade one. Okay. So I had a great time. He's an awesome guy, you know, fun, everything like that. I just didn't feel it, you know, like I was just like, oh, he's nice, but I'm not trying to make this happen. Right. I don't want to make this happen. So, you know, what do I do? Oh, just kind of left him hanging, I guess you can say, like, oh, y'all, you know, see you around,

see you later. And then what happened? He called me and, yeah, I was kind of surprised because I felt like I was almost rude to him, which I wasn't trying to be. But he called me, I didn't answer. This was your second date. Yeah. Okay. Call me, I didn't answer. He texted me later, I didn't answer. Um, Two days later, he calls me and texted me again. I have yet to answer. So and then he added me on Facebook. And I blocked him. Okay. But you know, locked them.

Yeah, but that's aggressive. Yeah, but he didn't just decline. Blocked him from ever finding any spec of Lauren on Facebook. Okay. Okay. Well, I did have this little kind of weird thing that happened like midway through that week. So someone at like 1 a.m. started ringing our buzzing apartment number for a couple of minutes and it was like,

okay, everyone's home, what is this? Like, you think he came over? I don't know, because he did drop me off one night. Okay, scary. So even, I mean, it's probably not him But it kind of like made me a little worried. I have had the crazy stalker ex-boyfriend. Oh, you have okay Yeah, that they'll scare us off for life. So what happened? But you did go out with him again. I I went out with him Just the two times. Okay the two times. So it was it was it the first day was fine and the second day

You were like I'm not into him like all of a sudden you felt I don't want to kiss him Like we have a great chemo. I did. You kissed them on the first date. Or on the second date. On the second date. So you kissed them on the second date. That's why you got called.

I know. This is why guys hate us seriously. So what approach do you prefer? If you're guy, would you rather have me say right there on the second date when I had a perfectly nice time? Would you rather have me say, you know what, I don't feel love connection. I don't feel romantic,

but I'd love to go rock climbing sometime. Would you rather just, does not calling you back or not texting or not being available? Does that send the same message? I mean, I think the right thing to do is to be honest and to be forthright. But I feel like some guys, in my experience, have been like, I wasn't thinking that or they don't want to know. I don't know. I'm just curious, because this has come up in our, you know, we have very deep office discussions and these come up. I used to be the honest one who would just be like, you know what, I'm just not feeling it right now,

but can we just like kick it sometimes? And I've had guys get really angry at me before, like a whole like all defenses, like. But that's their own issue. So maybe we should stop protecting men and we should just be really honest all the like, ruthlessly honest, ruthlessly. I feel like I was like, with this guy the second day,

I was pretty like sort of straightforward. I was like you know what I had a great time but you know I just want to like go out with my friends. I'll see you later out like I'll you know right I guess I'll just talk to you later. I said it like that so not like right. Oh we had an amazing time. That's a great it right and now he's just he got the hint but and now you didn't accept his Facebook friend and request Annie and talk to him. So now we just, that's just something that came up. We wanted to know what you think about that because it happens a lot, you know, where you get asked out, you're not sure, and then guys do the same thing, but I think a lot of people

just opt for the slow fade. This would be a good poll question question. Okay, speaking of polls, we've got a new, we've just, we don't have the results here. Is that still our poll up the affair poll? Okay. Why did or would you have an affair? This is our poll on our website, please go vote. A, they don't turn you on anymore,

B, you don't love them anymore, C, revenge, D, an opportunity present itself and you thought you wouldn't get caught. And then other, you can let us know why. Feedback at sexwithelene.com. We love when you vote. And also, I've got to give a shout out. I know it's holidays.

You're doing some holiday shopping right now. And I really have to really, really, really make a plea that if you are thinking of buying your sweetheart, a sexy something that you go to adameneave.com because they've got this new thing going on. And they're giving away the Kim Kardashian uh... sex tape to sex DVD with any purchase use offer code hey now at checkout

and you get this fifty percent off one item plus the free Kim Kardashian sex DVD now i think i want to order something just to see i've never seen it neither have i and that's kind of a big deal it's just a lot of celebrity sex tape with everything you get i know know, I love it. I think it's awesome. And there's some great, they've games. I love sex games for couples.

I think that's such a fun thing to do. Like you play a game in the game to ask you provocative questions that maybe you want to find out about your lover but your lover doesn't ever tell you. Like what's your number one fantasy or whatever there's fun games. I love the vibrating rings.

Those are great for the penis. It helps them with perimeter ejaculation. They've clitoral stimulation. Those are great for the peanuts. It helps them with pymager ejaculation. They have clitoral stimulation. Vibrators, great gifts. Also, I'm going to mention Jimmy Jane. They're another one of our sponsors. We love them. Their toys are beautiful.

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Yeah I actually have one of my Jimmy Jane toys on my net or nightstand and one of my friends came by and was like oh it's a cool sculpture. Did you get that at one of those SF galleries? Oh yeah looks like that. Not exactly. And you love your form too right? I love my form too. Okay so it's a form to vibrator.

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or whatever one of these toys, because they have vibrating rings. They're all different range price ranges. There's some more expensive, some more less. You could do their iconic collection, which are they have Kate Moss likes those. I hear. Yeah, oh my god, Kate Moss likes them. So why wouldn't you like them?

I think that everyone should go there and just support our advertisers. We totally appreciate it. Okay, so what else we could do a little sex in the news? Okay, if your man stinks, he might have an STD. This is not good. Russian scientists just discovered our nose nose who's not asleep with it. In their crazy study, they collected sweat from 34 guys, some who were healthy, some who

had gonorrhea, and some who had the infection, but were treated for it successfully. When they asked a bunch of sexy Russian coids to sniff their sweat, they found that the samples they smelled the most putrid were the ones with the STD. And now guys are going to go buy even more axed body spray because if they smell, they're not going to get laid because everyone thinks it's a very small study. 34 guys. I hate ax, like not ax, like I love their hair jaws for some reason. Right, but they're do 30 body spray men love the ax body. No, don't get some. You don't have it. Yeah, and if you have an STT STD, just go get some drugs. Don't spray yourself with ax. Yeah, and I feel like if they did have an STD

and they were smelling worse, it might have to do with them just not caring much about their personal hygiene. It might say a lot if you've got yourself an STD. I feel like that doesn't really co-alate in your co-alate. Yeah, co-alate, yeah, you're right. Okay, that's a good one. So if your instincts could be something

that might not just be the DSBL. Okay, there's a brand new international sex college has several troubling aspects. A Swedish artist and former Roddick TV hostess is opening the Austrian International School of Sex where people can learn how to do it right way. Sexual positions, caressing techniques, anatomical features, and for only $1860 less than a night at an elite escort

with an elite escort in New York City, you can study both the theory and practice of sex. They can take intensive courses and seminars. At the end of each class you take an exam and if they don't pass they can flunk out of sex college. I think you actually have sex in this college. It sounds like it. It sounds like you actually have sex and you learn because you could say they're comparing it to getting a stripper or to getting an escort. So instead of like painting the nude model in art class, you're doing you're actually doing the new model. Exactly. It's sexual positions, caressing techniques. So yeah, if you want to do that, go to Austria. Sex school. I'm in sex school, but we don't have sex. Directs new Viagra in a condom. We've talked about this before. There's a new

condom that contains a dose of Xanaphyl gel in the tip. It boosts blood flow in the penis, and hopefully your bedroom spirits, and it uses a patented livericism that allows the medicine to rapidly permeate the skin. They're also working on a topical spray that helps delay ejaculation.

Man, you know, you think that Viagra gets so much play. Like, they're gonna have Viagra in everything these days. The, okay, so- In your underwear. The college generation, I'm in college. And I know so many like confident, like guys, like you know the Majaman who use Vagra recreationally, just for fun.

Why does- They don't need it at 20 something. I know, but I feel like it's becoming a trend. It is, it kind of is is because it's so easy to get and i think people are curious and you know it's it's for older men and yeah it does it does i've i've been there i've taken it recreationally yeah yeah

that do anything kind of i mean there is no way i go for women because the brain is the largest sex organ and they haven't figured out like for men like you get a reaction you don't get action and it has to do with your brain too but for women they've been spent they've spent millions of dollars and years and years trying to event a female biagra and there isn't one because the brain is involved it's not just like let's get her wet. So it doesn't work but it did it does make the blood rushed here clitoris more so it does give you a little bit more but I would not recommend it at all.

I don't even know if it was psychosomatic. I might have just been imagining that it did something. I wanted those placebo. Yeah, it was a good placebo fact. I think it was. And it was a long time ago. Don't do it. Don't use a recreationally.

Don't use, don't do it. You just wait until you're like a 50 year old man, and then you'll really need it. But seriously, like, like, don't use recreationally kids. Okay. Let's get into some emails. Ready? Here we go. I thought it was interesting that all of your answers to the question deal with you in the most recent poll.

Why would you, did you, have an affair? You don't get turned on by the anymore, you don't love the anymore, you don't want to prevent use on opportunity. In my case, I wonder if an affair would have helped save my marriage. We did not have sex for the last 10 years of my marriage with the exception of one evening when she realized it was almost over and gave me a blowjob. It's like a sacrificial blowjob. And a fair might have given me some confidence that I could still be sexually attractive to someone and how we become more attractive to my wife.

So to answer the question, why would I have an affair? I consider an affair to have sexual intimacy that was not present in my marriage or relationship. So thanks for adding to it our poll. That's a good point. It's a whole new angle. I mean, you know, I got to say that some people do have a fair as in it does save their marriage. I'm not saying you should. There is no rules. Most of the time it destroys your marriage or it's hard to build the trust back. But I have heard stories that people have a fair as and they realize how much they love each other. It's just like anything in life. Like it's not formulaic. But I love that he sent this. I know I love

it. It's like interesting. Thank you for sharing that. We didn't get his name, but I appreciate you sharing that. And I'm sorry that you're marriage ended. And it is true. And but what I would recommend before you have an affair, if you are listening to this and you're in a relationship that's struggling now your sex life isn't good, you're not having as much sex anymore, you're not attracted to your spouse anymore, I'm gonna ask you to do the hard thing.

The easy thing is to have an affair. The hard thing is to talk to your partner about it and to be like, okay, what's the deal? We haven't had sex in 10 years, 10 months, 10 weeks, whatever it is, and talk about it, and see what you can do to spice up the relationship. Maybe you buy a sexy toy, some lingerie. I mean, that's the superficial stuff,

but maybe you're like, what turns you on? What would make you feel sexy? A lot of things that bring down people's sex drive is like self-esteem. If you just had a, if you're with your wife, just had a baby, she's not feeling great about her body, or if he's stressed with work, whatever it is, there could be issues going on. And a couple, it's like the elephant in the room that they don't talk about.

They're like, we're having sex uses them, we're not going to talk about it. So I mean, this guy was married for 10 years, they didn't have sex. What is that? What he said? Yeah, 10 years. 10 years, no sex. What the hell did they talk about? People need to talk about.

There is nothing else to talk about. If you have not had sex for 10 years and you are married, there is not one other conversation I have. I don't care if you're dinner, I don't care if you take it out the trash. You need to talk about your sex life. You need to and it's hard. It's like ripping the bandaid off. You're like, just do it.

Just bring something up. Put on sex with Emily. I'll make you talk about it by one of these sexy games from Adam and Eve. Do something that makes provokes the conversation because you can't be suffering for 10 years. And think about what it'll be like after you have the conversation. Like so much better. Maybe you find out that she's not attracted to you because something, maybe she's under antidepressants and you don't know it and that's

keeping her sex drive down. Maybe he's super stressed with work and he's losing all his money. Who knows, but talk about it. Okay. Next one's about Facebook, which menace likes to say has ended. Some study came out that like, what is it? One in three.

One in three marriages and because of Facebook. I don't know if that's true, but hey, Emily, a girl I knew from my childhood recently sought me out on Facebook. I messaged her and asked if she wanted to hang out sometimes. She said sure, but after the holidays, what does this mean? And did she put it off hoping I'd forget? Thanks, Eddie from Phoenix, Arizona. That is a great question, Eddie. We were just talking about that at the top of the show.

It's unclear at this point if she's blowing you off by saying let's wait for half the holidays because I just, a guy that I'm not interested in, I just told him let's wait till half the holidays and I'm actually not interested in him. However, she might be really busy. I don't know if she's single or not. Sounds like she is, if you asked her out.

I think it's inconclusive. We don't know what this means yet. If you follow up with her after the holidays, and she says, sure, then we don't have a problem here. If she blows you off after the holidays, she didn't really mean it. I don't know. I feel like she's blowing them off.

You do, but people are busy around the holidays. So people are busy, but I feel like if she really was interested and really down to me be like, Oh, I'm doing this for like, for the holidays, this is why I cannot. Oh, being very vague about that. That's true. That's true. If you really want to see some more, I've said it before too. And then because she might not be sure, Eddie, she might not feel that she might want to hang out with you, but it might not be sexual. It might not be romantic. But she might be like, wow, it'd be great to see

I had you again, but I'm gonna have to wait till I trim my Christmas tree or something. Like, we don't know yet. And, you know, what was your relationship like before? Exactly. We like, saw each other passing in the hallways and that was it, that's, that would probably be the second. The first thing you guys were friends,

you all through whatever it was, high school. Right, did you crash on her? Did you make out in 10th grade? Like, we need to know more, but let us know if she falls up. I think it's okay for you to follow up after the holidays for sure, but don't do it again if you don't hear from her.

That means she's blowing you off. Yeah. Okay, I think we've solved that one. Okay, this is about Kaggle Camp, which is my iPhone app and the iTunes store. It's rocking right now. It's like number 20 something in health. It's an amazing app. I have to say, it's Kag right now. It's like number 20 something in health. It's an amazing app. I have to say, it's kegal exercises there for men and women.

And I have to be honest, I made this app and I didn't know that anyone was gonna download it or like it or whatever. I thought it was a great app. I thought everyone needs to do their kegal exercises. It helps women have longer stronger orgasms. It helps men with premature ejaculation. It helps men last longer.

But who's gonna download the app and do it? I don't know. Well, it is so popular and it's crazy and I just want you all to download it now if you have an iPhone or an iPad. Okay, here's a question on my iPhone app. I have so much bladder, hi, so I have a bladder condition and I've been working on my PC muscles and this app has helped me so much. I have had very weak muscles when diagnosed and the doctor said these will help strengthen

them. I have been using the app daily. When should I expect a noticeable difference? Thanks AD. I'd say it takes about a month to five weeks to notice it, but it sounds like you're already noticing a difference. It does help women with bladder issues and men with bladder issues, so it helps just tighten those muscles.

It's like any other exercise. If you do them for five weeks, but then you stop, you're going to the same issues again. Kegels are here for life. The great thing about the app is that I walk you through how to do them for five weeks, but then you stop, you're gonna have the same issues again. So kegels are here for life. But the great thing about the app is that I walk you through how to do them and you can set a reminder on your phone to do them three times a day and you can do them anywhere. Lauren can do them right now if she wanted to.

I can do them right now. She's doing it. Oh, sorry, I could tell. You can't tell. You can't tell that people are doing them and they can help your sex life. I love that. I love that.

It's not even about her sex life. She's doing it for health reasons too. Yeah, it does help people with health reasons. Especially if their childbirth, women have looser, bladders, they have problems with urinary and continents, they, you know, you sneeze, and you pee in your pants kind of thing, which actually happens when you get older. So they help with that too. And here's another cuddle camp email, Dear Emily, great app. It felt a little weird to start with almost wrong, but you were right in what you say. It's so worth it. I don't want to be graphics, so let's just say of all the things you say it would help

with a man. It does. I just always assumed it was an exercise for women, but clearly it's not thanks Ryan. Awesome. So what's Ryan saying is that it helped him with premature ejaculation or it helped him stay hard or longer. These exercises work. So everyone's got to do them. Okay, we can move into the topic now. I think that would be the best thing to do. Our friends with benefits topic. Oh geez. Lauren, if you had a friends with benefits relationship?

I have had many. Many. Not as in like, oh yeah, many. But like out of all my relationships, they've probably been like 90% friends. And how does it work for you? It works. I just wish there'd be more benefits in the whole Friends with Benefits, maybe like dental

or something. Right, exactly. It actually, one of my, one of the best, like some of the best sex I ever had was with the Friends with Benefits, kind of relationship. And you know what, to this day, we are really close. Right, it can last. If you guys are honest with each other, some people say that it never really works. They don't last forever. I mean, because eventually someone moves on, but

what you have to do is make sure you're both on the same page. So if you're saying that you are down with a friend's benefits relationship, you have to make sure that you're okay, that this person's going to be sleeping with other people. They don't wanna commit, they don't wanna bring you home for the holidays. And one day they might commit to somebody else. Exactly. So you have to make sure that you're both happy being single.

And you have to be happy with the freedom and independence that your life is bringing you now. And you have a better chance of having a successful friend's benefits relationship. That is so true. If you are not loving yourself, you can't have friends with benefits. Because then you'll get attached and you'll be like,

oh, you'll depend on them for confidence or. Exactly. And you use that, like the truth is, the downside of friends with benefits and this is the thing that doesn't work the most is that one person wants more than the next person. One person says they're fine with it and the other person's like, yeah, I'm fine with it too.

And then there's always someone in the equation who's like, I think I want more or why is he sleeping with her. So you just have to make sure that you're confident that you can have any expectations except for sex. And even that, you can't expect when it's going to happen. You don't know when it's going to happen again. So you've got to set the rules. It's really important to talk to this person and have rules because you still want the

friends part to be there when the benefits are gone. Let the person know you're attracted to them and joy spending time with them but that you're not looking for anything serious. Hopefully you're both on the same page about that but eventually someone gets emotionally attached. What's happened in your relationships, Lauren? How do they end? Um, one he got attached and he wanted more and I didn't. And then another was same thing happened, but it was me who wanted more. And then another was, we thought we

were being honest with each other. And he wasn't being honest. And then he decided, oh, all of a sudden, he wants more. But. So you were never on the same page? That's the one that lasted the while. And we ended up blowing up, but then we kind of resolved it. And to this after the whole benefits part,

the friends part is probably one of the best things because we have, we know a lot about each other. Right, because you become, it's like something you dated and you became really close and you, it sounds like you guys communicated well. Yeah, the afterward to the friends with benefits part can be really great Right I agree I've had some really good friends benefits relationships and some of them are still my best friends Same thing we were always on the same page. I'm trying to think about any that were not I

Seriously think that most my friends benefits relationships were very equal and I just happened to be lucky I'm trying to think I mean mean, there must have been some where they wanted more. I think there were somewhere they wanted to have sex more. They wanted more benefits. Yeah. They're like, I like the funds of benefits, but can I have like a double benefits?

Super benefits. And I'm like, this is not come with a super size. You can't super size this funds of benefits. But you also wonder like, okay, so here's one thing. If you think you can manage a friend's with benefits relationship, here's some suggestions. Don't become friends with benefits with an actual friend who you like.

A friend's friend is a better idea, so you don't lose both a friend and a potential partner. So do you think about that? That's so true. Although a lot of times you become friends with a guy or a woman or whatever, because there's an attraction. Yeah. I guess.

Yeah. And be as weird as your friends for years and then obviously you start seeping at them, though, I've done that as well. And that's awesome. Yeah, that would be, that would make things weird. Right. But yeah, there has to be an attraction or otherwise you probably wouldn't be having sex with them.

Exactly. Okay. Know yourself and know what you're getting yourself into. So this is what you're saying earlier. This is true for every relationship. If you don't know yourself and what you're looking for in a relationship, you might as well not be dating because you're going to keep attracting the stuff that you don't want or the stuff that you think that you lack in yourself. You're going to be attracted to that other person who has it. So until you really like love yourself, work on yourself, know who you are, know what you want. Like it's going to be hard to attach with anybody right now. Also, you if you decide, decide if you're the type person you can have sex

consistently with someone without an emotional attachment. Because really what we're talking about here is you can get emotionally attached. Like you love the person, you're going to send a birthday card, you're going to care if so, you know, their mother gets here is, you can get emotionally attached. Like, you love the person, you're gonna send him a birthday card, you're gonna care if so, you know, their mother gets sick. But you can't be reliant. I think emotionally attached means like emotionally reliant. Like, you get fired from your job and this is the first person you want to call.

Like, they can't be your go-to for all your emotions. Yeah. Like, you, you, you, sometimes we substitute because we're like, I'm not seeing you. You just sort in your brain. You're like, I'm not seeing with anyone else now. I might as well call a person I'm sleeping with. But your friends, your friends at Benefits Part are likely

did not sign up to be the one news listening to you with your emotions. That's true. And I also think that if they do go out and like, oh hey, let's do this, you shouldn't always assume that there's gonna be sex on the end of it. Maybe he wants to go out, but pick up another girl and you have to be okay with that.

You have to be okay. And you know, jealousy comes up in every relationship. Even if you're in a committed relationship, you get jealous, but you have to learn to deal with jealousy. You have to learn that it's an emotion that comes up and that in front of benefit situations, if you're not great with jealousy, this might not be the situation you want to get into

because you are going to always be wondering who else is he seeing and who else is she seeing. So you have to be good with that. So you also have to have no emotional attachment and you have to be without the hope they will actually like you want to have your babies, even if that hope is just to validate that you're a good looking smart, wonderful and the most fun. So to be again, to be in this relationship thinking that the person is going to change their mind all of a sudden and they're going to be like, oh, you're the one.

You might as well, you know, just get out of the relationship or be dating some or be dating them because a lot of times you can't try to change someone. No one's going to change in a relationship or in a friend's benefit relationship. And if you're going into the relationship with that in mind, you're already screwed. Right. You can't do that. Exactly. It's not going to be successful.

Exactly. Okay. Open relationships. There are a little different than friends with benefits relationships. They work differently because you're with someone but you can also see with other people. It can be good because it lets you fulfill your desire to see with multiple wheel but also creates problems because you and your partner will probably experience jealousy. So you have to set rules in this too. Open really talked a lot about relationships in the show but friends with benefits are really more like you don't have a primary partner and you're not you're not really committed.

So I would just say communication is a lubrication. If you're thinking of having a friends of benefits relationship right now, you just have to, you know, you have to talk about it. You have to stick to the rules and if you if you've to check in with yourself, if you're getting emotionally attached to the person, you either tell them, you say, you know what, I'm thinking of switching the terms, would you be interested in committing to me? But don't keep pretending and blocking your feelings that you just don't keep going along with it because you like the person so much. You're like, well, he'll see me

every second Saturday. No, you like this person. It's going to hurt you eventually. It's going to come out of bad way and it's going to end. So you should be able to keep in check when your friends benefit situations start going awry and end it there or just talk to the person and be honest. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I wish I had a friends benefit's relationship consistently. Right now? Yeah, I'm too busy with like work, school,

and my internship, but like, I don't know when I date it, like all that extra time, I just want for myself. I know, that's- But then I wanna have sex. I know, it's the perfect time for you to have a friend's benefit of it's relationship. Right, well, I have them but they're just, oh, they're in the other city, you know. Oh, they're in another city. I've had those, I've had them in other cities too but that's not bad but you just, you

don't see them all the time. You need one, you need a local hometown boy. You need a hometown friend's benefit member. I had one, a friend's benefit member. A friend's benefit person. Member, it's an exclusive club. Remember, it's an exclusive club. It's an exclusive club. I have had, I'm trying to think like,

if I had any bad friends with benefits relationships, like my ex boyfriend and I, we've been, a lot of times it happens with X's too though. I broke up with them. We still were great friends, and then we subbed together for a few years afterwards, but like I would know all about his relationships and he'd know about mine.

And for whatever crazy reason it worked, because we knew we weren't a good couple, but we still liked having sex with each other. So that's like another scenario. Like we're a great couple. We're looking for other people, but we still want to have sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you are both on the same page, more power to you.

I had that same thing happen. Like we know we would be horrible, like in a relationship together, but the sexual chemistry was amazing. So it's like we both didn't want to give that up. And we we talked about that too. Like we know we would be horrible like in a relationship together, but the sexual chemistry was amazing. So it's like we both didn't want to give that up. And we we talked about that too. Like, you know, he brought it up and I was like, well, you know, it wouldn't really work out. And he's like, I know, but he's like, this is good though.

I'm happy. So how did that one end? It that one was the good one that blew up in the end. But now you're still good friends. It blew up because of a lack of communication. Oh, there you go. You weren't communicating about it. Yeah, he thought I was starting to like him.

I thought he was starting to like me because some things were going on and like, then we weren't talking as like like we were and see when you don't communicate, when you think you should. Right. Everyone makes assumptions. It ruined everything. We blew up, but then we eventually like worked it out. So he's- So he's-

So he's- So he's- So he's- So he's- So he's- but that we eventually like worked it out. So, no more sex, but like we're still super close. And we talk about our relationships. That's great. See, it's not like this weird thing that can't work. I mean, it can work, but again, you just have to communicate every step of the way. Because you might be like, oh, great, I'm so going, how let's do it.

And then like a week later, a month later, it could change. You just have to keep checking it with yourself because this person is not there for you emotionally. They're not your boyfriend. They're not your girlfriend. They're someone that you're having sex with essentially and maybe you're having breakfast sometimes if you just do the sleepover. Some people don't even do the sleepovers. So those are tips with friends with benefits.

If you want to become a friend's benefits member with sex with Emily, all you have to do is pay for 95 a month, which isn't so bad. So sign up for that. And I think we're good here. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Thanks Lauren. Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

I think we're good here. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Thanks Lauren, email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.