Sex With Emily - Eyes on the (Sex) Prize

Episode Date: June 13, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about the importance of eye contact during sex – or even conversation to be honest — as well as taking your calls and emails. She discusses ways to find porn both you and your partner will get a kick out of, how to find your sex voice when your partner wants you to be more vocal, and how to keep from getting restless in your long-distance relationship. Plus, a lesson in sex toy hygiene! Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Woo Freshies, Womanizer, BTL Emsella, SiriusXM, Promescent. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex Thumbnail. Today's show I'm talking about the importance of eye contact during sex or even during conversations, right? Let's be honest, as well as taking your calls and your emails. Topics include finding porn both you and your partner will get a kick out of. Where do you start? Your partner wants you to be more vocal during sex. How do you find your sex voice? So you've been in a long distance relationship for quite a while and you're getting restless. How do you stay satisfied? And sex toy hygiene. Keeping your toys clean and sanitary. Yes, it matters. All this and more. Thanks for listening. Eyes! They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrub eyes they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I, I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You know, all your sex questions answer. We've got amazing blogs and everything there

to help you have better sex and relationships. You can also comment and subscribe wherever you listen to the podcast that really helps us. Please subscribe, share the podcast with your friends. We love when you do that, it helps us and help you. And your friends, don't you want everyone to be having awesome sex? You can find it everywhere, wherever you listen to podcasts

and check me out on serious sex and radio. It's stars channel 109 and I am there Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 Pacific, 8 to 10 East. And if you want a free 30 day trial, go to sexwithendly.com slash SXM. As always, fell in the media, at sex-endly, across the board. Alright, guys, enjoy the show. Okay, this is interesting. Why is it so awkward for even people that we are so close to looking at them in the eye

just for more than 20 seconds? We just, because I think it has to do with your upbringing, if you had parents that were looking people's eyes or your family wasn't, you probably weren't trained in that way, but I think it's fear, shame, someone, some people seeing us were so uncomfortable. And it really is, it's funny because looking into each other's eyes or someone's eyes, like when you're

passing them on the street or a loved one or a friend, I mean, that's intimacy and that's connection. And so it's such a good question, Jamie, because it's so related to the things that we talk about on the show that if you are not, if you are someone that doesn't look into it, someone's eyes, and I think you people, you know who you are. Yeah.

Don't you think? Because I'm very aware when I'm not, like when I'm not looking at someone's eyes, I'm like, oh God, I'm not, sometimes I'm thinking about something, but if you know when you're not an eye-looker, I'm gonna go on a ledge here, I'm gonna say something. If you are someone who has a hard time looking

into it, someone else's eyes, I'm gonna guess that you probably have challenges in the bedroom around intimacy and around having, being the lover you wanna be, having connected sex, even in your relationships. I'll bet you that I'm certain there's a connection. I mean, it's our body language is how we communicate, you know, what is it like? Our language language is only what, like, 10%.

Yeah, like what we say is always say that everything else is 90%. So if you're not an eye-looker, you're taking away, if you're an eye-dasher, you're an eye-dasher. You look with your nose. Yeah. I'm not sure, no, no, you're right in the middle. Like in the third eye? Yeah, just the third eye or like right at the bridge of the nose. If you're trying to grow that. Yeah, but I think it is a skill that you can learn over time. But I wonder, I guess people grow, I'm trying to think of, I've met people who aren't great eye

lookers lately, but yeah, I think it's a thing. Do you look into each other's eyes? Actually do agree with me. I'm wondering if you think that people who have a hard time looking into your eyes, you're in a relationship with your other person, is there a challenge around intimacy in your life? I mean, there has to be. It's a direct correlation.

You can call it triple eight and 94 stars. So like, I, but I think something that you learn, like I think people point this out to you in life. And they say, you know what? It really helps with, I guess, just all the self-help things I've done in all the business courses and all the, all the stuff you learn, you know, self-help books. They're like, make eye contact, right? But maybe people don't.

Do you find that it's a thing? I think so. I actually, it's funny, because I'm very much an eye-looker. I'm like, but I will break eye contact and look away, because I feel like the person I'm looking at is getting feeling awkward. Not because I feel awkward doing it, but I feel like the person I'm looking at

is like, oh my God, they've been like looking right at me. Really? I don't know I think that's just a story to tell myself in my head But like because I'm like because I just know that a lot of people do they they avert their eyes or every once in a while They look away and like maybe just to readjust But it's like I like to never look away. I don't really like to look away But then I'll notice like someone kind of in their eyes and I'll like look away for a second. When I look back, they look a little bit more comfortable. You're like letting me in.

I think I'm just a lot to take in sometimes. Maybe you are. I think it also has to do with being comfortable in your own skin, you know, like in confidence. Confidence. Yeah, and also I think has to do with trust, trusting yourself with that person, you know, and I know that like if someone's lying, they look away.

Like one of those things. It's vulnerable too. It one of those things is vulnerable. It's vulnerable too. It's vulnerable. No, it's funny because I was just thinking about this. I was like, oh no, I can look into it to other times. But when I went to my somatica, I went to this, I did a training, a sex therapy training.

It was called somatica. It was more about bodyment, being in your body, and how you're being aware of what your message is, your body is giving off to others and how to communicate with your partner. It's fascinating work. I did it for like, what was it? It was so long.

It was like a six month course. I'd go to San Francisco, effort Celeste and Danielle. They're amazing. They're sex coaches in the Bay Area. Check them out. And I went for five days. Overall, it was like a 60 days tour.

It was a big fucking thing. Commitment. It was a big fucking commitment I did for five days every other month of my business was fucking insane three years ago because I'm always trying to learn more shit. And it was a lot. That was like right when I started. Yeah, it was like three years ago.

And it was like therapy and you get there on a Thursday. Is there no way? No, it was in the San Francisco. I used to have that San Francisco. I thought I'd be going back to see all my friends. Nope, you'd be there like Thursday afternoon. And it was like intense. I mean, we learned and we were talking about this

because I should bring more. I think it's already incorporated to what I do but there was a lot to learn from it. But the very first exercise because you're in this room with 50 people and you get to know them because you're there for six months, five days every month. And so it's intense, but the very first assignment which is I look back on this now and I think,

oh my God, we had to do things where we had to like, by the end of it, you are. I mean, it's always close on, but you had to actually be with somebody where you would be making, like not, like making a move on them and advancing, and then you'd have to teach them with your body that you consent and you'd have to tell someone

your deepest sexual fantasy you'd share with your roommate. Anyway, we went there, but the very first, I'll share with that in a minute, but the first assignment on the first day, they put you in group. So it was 50 of us. You were in a group of, each one was in a group of 10, maybe your eight. Those were your eight people the whole time pretty much.

And you had two. She's like, you have five minutes, and I'm going to ring the bell, and you have to turn the person next to you and stare into their eyes. And I remember feeling that was kind of terrifying. It's uncomfortable. I was like, oh, I'm going to fill this class.

What if it means, what if I'm not really? You know what I mean? Like, you have a moment and then you're staring and then you realize, I go, you know, actually, then you feel this warmth and you feel it. I actually, everyone taking a somatic sex therapy class is safe in all those things. But you just realized that you actually, you, you are moved and you feel like everyone taking a somatic sex therapy class is safe at all those things. But you just realize that you actually, you are moved and you feel emotion, you feel connected and you feel that person's soul. I mean, it sounds, you know, but it's there, and there's a lot of healing therapies in staring like there was that whole study they talked about that the how people, but was like a TED talk, you know, people fall in

love if they stare into their eyes for a certain amount of time and things you should do in relationships. So there is a certain intimacy and it helps you with vulnerability. And so I think, you know, it was intense. But then after that, I was like, I was really to go back to eye staring. I have to sit and tell this person, I fucking, yeah.

I was like, why is there such an intense thing? There was like, dirty talk. We actually learned how to throw some up against the wall, like sexually. Like I could do this in a Jamie's head, because I was to the cameras. I could show you, We actually learned how to throw some up against the wall, like sexually. I could do this in Jamie's house. I could show you, I learned how to dip someone back and throw them against the wall. Because everyone in there was training

to be a somatic sex therapist. So you'd have clients come in and they would say to you, my partner says she wants me to be aggressive. I don't know what that means. And then you would like play it out with your therapist or you'd bring your partner in and you'd do couples therapy, which is just the interesting, you know, work to do because people don't know how to do these things and then how to learn. And we'd learn these things that kind of touch for your pleasure and

touch for someone else's pleasure. Because so many times we just touch for our partner. So you do these exercises where you had to be like selfish. You'd be like, this is what I want. And you'd have to like, and everything was close on. And you couldn't touch above or below. You couldn't touch genitals, but it got pretty, you know, in some of the exercises, just to learn, how to escalate and de-escalate your sexual energy. Was it just women?

That was men and men. Oh, it was women and men. Yeah, did you do it? It was men and women. Female, female. Yeah, we did everything. We did everything. That's amazing.

It was very, yeah. And the interesting thing is what I, I mean, I take away so much from it. And a lot of it was about how to learn how to communicate with your partner and how to repair. We always talk about repairing relationships that a lot of the times we get to, so for example, one of the great things was learning how to say no

to your partner sexually, like if you're not in the mood, right? Or anyone you're dating, or if you could be the first time, and it starts to escalate. And this is, you know, you feel, you feel like you might say, like, no, you might stop them with their hand. And then they try again, and then you stop them again, and you get angry and you leave. Let's say it happens a lot, like with the first few times you're, but a great thing to learn is, and this goes for every relationship is to learn to be like, use words and say, you know what? They just sit up and be like,

I'm really enjoying making out with you. It feels really good right now. Let's just kind of slow it down. This is just a no, not right now kind of thing. And then you don't have to storm out and have it be weird and just all the ways that couples, if you learn to beat, so the whole therapy is around being in your body, really learning your signals that you're sending

so you can so much, much again another tool for communication. I mean there's that's that's just like so. So it's so interesting to me because it's so true is a lot of times when someone is saying no they are saying not yet. They're saying not yet exactly but that doesn't mean that no means yes. Yeah saying that no not that means not yet. And so I think that's, and then, so what, what happens is as we know, in so many, I mean, God, I remember,

I'll never forget the story from this woman who said to me, I met her at another one of my conferences. It was like the Sheila Kelly dancing body. Oh, it's cool, yeah. I love her. And some woman said to me, she came to me and she said, you know, I have been with my, you know, she was there because it's a dance,

or women learned, all women, and you learn how to get into your body again because a lot of what women are missing is movement and feeling sexual and feeling like loving your, it's a way to love your body. So anyway, this whole court, you know, again, it was closed on dancing, but she said to me, my husband, I remember 20 years ago, he was, um, or like 18 years ago, or we, the number, the numbers. She's like, I'd gone to the store and I got all this stuff from Victoria's Secret and I got this really beautiful teddy and I put on the, you, we all know how hard that is to put on the, the garters.

The thigh-high garters. That's always the buzzkill part. You're like, really? It doesn't, you gotta turn around and get it to like, connect to the other, and they all twisted. But she did it. And she's like, and I went downstairs in the den and I, and he was watching TV and I walked in front of his like, Hey babe, and he was like, babe, watching the game.

And he just like glanced at her and like looked away. And she was like, it devastated her to the point where for the next years, she just never tried again. She probably never brought it up. And he probably, you know, didn't remember, didn't know it. And she said that I realized that that silently, she, I don't know if it's even, you know how things are at the moment, is she pumped?

But over the years she finally had this breakthrough when she's dancing and moving, realizing it was that time that she slowly started to shut down. And then over the time she was just not approaching, not, and then it's become a problem with their relationship. And then she was shut down. And over the time she was just not approaching not and then it's become a problem with their relationship and then she was shut down and then she finally brought up with him and he's like, maybe I don't even remember that night. I was thinking I was working on my deadline and you know maybe it was like probably they'd been together 18 years it might have been 10 years whatever I go and she's like what if she had said to

him in that moment or later that night I really dressed up for you and I felt pretty he would have let her know oh I didn't even notice I was like taking a break watching TV but we're I'm in it for you and I felt pretty, he would have let her know, oh, I didn't even notice. I was like taking a break watching TV, but we're, I'm in it with you. And so these little things happen, these micro offenses. Mm, that's a good phrase. Great phrase.

They're little tiny micro offenses that happen in our relationships, one after the next, after the next. And we don't finish dealing the emotion around it. We just plug it down and we say, oh, I must not have been sexy tonight or, and to find. Yeah, but if we were aware with how we were actually feeling and had the agency and had the words around

sharing, like, oh, you know what, that hurt in a way that, because usually what we do is be like, fuck you, and you know, but we don't feel safe. So, yeah. I mean, it's Rosconn go. I feel like I would have just, but this is me like, fuck you, but we don't feel safe, so yeah. That's where that's gonna go. I feel like I would have just, but this is me and I'm different, but I, in that moment,

if I had been like, walked down, he was like, babe, I'm watching the game or whatever he was doing, I would have been like, I just would have stood in front of him. You would have pulled the fucking remote, turned it off and been like, hello, do you see how hot I am?

And that's, there's only one time that that did not work. And I was very upset. And I was at my ex-boyfriend's house. And he was playing his fucking video game too. So his video game, I can't even say it. Oh, and it's like this computer game is called League of Legends or something like that. And it's like this thing, and you play with his friends,

and you have the headset on. And like, I was like, I didn't come over here to just sit and watch because there's nothing I can watch on the TV now, I you'll have the headset on. And I was like, I didn't come over here to just sit and watch because there's nothing I can watch on the TV now. I have to watch the stupid, whatever you're doing. And so I took all my clothes off, but I left like just my panties on, and then I was like in front of him,

and I was just like trying to use a call, babe, you're so cute, and then literally just looked, like an aft, and I was like, what the fuck? I think you know how you would be said, you got a schedule sex, I think you know, with video games and relationships, you got a schedule sex. I think, you know, with video games and relationships, you got to schedule that. Or have a no video game.

Yes, you know, that is. That is. That is. It needs to be separated because, I mean, while you're not living together. Yeah, I mean, one, it'd be different if it was like once in a while. Cool.

I'll certainly let you watch your, do your game, whatever. Also, if it was a more interesting game to watch, like if it was like God of War, or like Red Dead Redemption, or something like that, one of those things that kind of looks like cinematic, like a movie, you could get down there. Then I could get into it, but it was like, I was like, what is this?

It's monster game. Oh yeah, exactly. Well, the people couple should pick out the porn, they want to watch together, they could pick out video games they want to watch together. Yeah. That's another thing too. Searching for porn together. How do you think, oh so how can I go down?

Yeah, how does that go down? Like how would a couple be like, let's just... No, not triple anal. Whatever that means. Triple penetration. How does a couple do that? How does a couple search for porn together? Like what are you start?

Yeah. I love the idea of you each showing each other what your favorite porn is. I'm being like, do you like this? Do you like this? And then starting there, or starting out with something, I think a lot of couples probably start with a girl and girl, lesbian porn. I wish I could, everyone just go to EricaLust.com.

But I think first talking about, I don't know, something for more benign or like, I don't know you guys, I don't watch enough porn. Let's see what would be the things that you'd look for at beginner porn. We have this. I think you have to find something that you are to sit there together and be like, already have the conversation about what your turn down, turn on to our, you swap bucket list, you're like, would you ever want to be with an open or how about what I would look at, you know what, is like seduction. Like making out porn, like kissing. For a lot of women, I'd be like,

I want something with a lot of foreplay, or a lot of oral. Just say the thing that you love most about sex, and if you Google it, there will be a whole fucking porn section around that. Is that, is that the right way to go about porn? I mean, I don't watch. Star Wars, you are. Do you just Google porn?

Like, is that Best question ever how do you find porn? Yeah, do Google porn. Yeah, I mean you do it just go over there Just okay, also fun fact. I'm gonna say fun fact for everyone out there that is not discovered this on your phone or your computer In cog nito tabs. Oh, yeah, do the Cognito tabs. Oh yeah. Do the incognito tabs so that when you don't even have to delete your fucking search history because it's incognito, it's invisible. Yeah. And then that way, no one's gonna know when they go use the computer next and they start

to type in a word P, no porn will follow. Well, they should have can you do that too on your regular computer, right? That's what I'm saying, on your computer, on your phone, private apps. Yeah, when you put in porn, Michelle, the answer question. Oh, yeah, sorry. Porn up.

Porn up, yeah, free porn, friend videos. Anyway, we're going down dark. I mean, we used to go to Tumblr, but that's where it was. That was what I'm talking about. Erotica Tumblr, don't worry. It's coming back. There'll be something else for images. We read Erotica to each other.

I love that idea. We should read Erotica. It also gets you away from the screen. We need to read a passage. Yes. See the thing is I don't want to be near a screen. I love, I have not a phone. I mean, I am here on the phone, but at night when I'm out, I do not.

Especially when I'm, I feel like a thing in my body when I'm with someone. I was out with my friend the other night and he was like when I'm out, I do not. Especially when I'm, like I feel like a thing in my body when I'm with someone, like I was out with my friend the other night and he was like, I hadn't looked at my phone for a while. And he was like, oh, go get your phone. I can show you, like, you know what, no. Like when you are on your, it takes you out of your state. All right, we're gonna take a quick break

and we come back on to your calls. Okay, we have Ann, 57 in Oregon. Her husband wants her to be more verbal during sex and she doesn't know what to do. Okay, hey Ann, thanks for calling. It's a good question. Hello. Hi. Hello.

Hello. So we've been married over 30 years and we use toys and he's really good. He really helps me to try to relax and have fun with sex. But I've never been very verbal. And he's like, okay, tell me what you want. And I'm like, I don't know. Right, no, I get it. You're like, I mean, yeah.

Okay, so a great place to start is maybe like thinking about just what's going on in the moment. So could you say, well, first of all, do you know what you want? No, and probably not real thing. Okay. I mean, you have to know, but I guess I've never been good about just saying what I want him to do.

Right, okay. So let's practice. I do have a vibrator and all that kind of stuff, you know, to kind of get started, but he's always like, okay, tell me what you want. And I'm like, I don't know. But like I want you to put it on my clip, like you normally do.

Like that's the kind of thing that you gotta think. Okay. He just wants to hear, because the word, it's just something different. You guys have been together for a long time, but I know you should just practice when you're in the shower, honestly.

Practice, you got to practice, or practice looking in the mirror and saying what you want, and thinking about what you want. So do this for me, Anne. Can you think about the three, your three hottest times you've had, actually, there hasn't, like, what comes to mind?

Are there three different times you're like, that was hot. Did something happen in the moment or that you couldn't remember? I know when we're on vacation. It's always so much better. Always. Because you're not at home, you're not thinking all the things you have to do.

So I do love vacation sex. Okay, but just there are a moment, like when you were like, yeah, I know, those are my best memories too. I love vacation sex. Yeah, I know if I drink a little bit. Yeah, definitely. I definitely would have been up, but you know. Well, what about like, like was over time, like, you know, when you first started like making

out, like, do you ever want him to kiss you more? Do you ever want him to? Is there anything you want? Do you ever want him to Is there anything you want or maybe it just in the moment? You probably just want to definitely more the For-play types of say I want you to make out with me right now. I want you to go down on me I know these might not be how you talk I understand or I want you to like because that's probably what he wants you to say I want you to make out with me. I want you to like my clitoris. I want you to make out with me, I want you to, like, my clitoris, I want you to use the toy. Um, I guess I always just think of like the pornos and stuff and it just seems so

cheesy. You know, I know. I know. You know what I mean? Yes, I totally understand it. What is running? I think that's what he's wanting to, but to be honest, I understand that it's like, it's a new skill. And so that's why practicing it on your own, which might sound silly or what I mean, because people do think they have to sound like porn stars, but And so that's why practicing it on your own, which might sound silly or what. I mean, because people do think they have to sound like porn stars, but really that's why I'm saying, if you could just describe what you want in the moment.

And think about it, like even right now, you could think about what happened last time you had sex. When you asked you that, if you practice, I think I want you to grab the vibrator and put it on my clip. I just start practicing, and it'll get easier, even if you laugh, because it's been 30 years, it's fine. But just trying, I'll appreciate that you tried and here's another tip.

We just found this new app and we're having a blast that it's free. It's called Slutbot. SLUT, B-O-T. And it gives you practice and it's for sexting but I think it can be used for dirty talk and you literally wish you could have slept bot. We put it on the show notes. We're going gonna put this in the show notes for you, okay? And you just send a text to it on your phone and it'll be like, hey, you want to start talking dirty? You can pick the dirty talking part of it and we'll put the exact link and it and it sounds really it like gives you some things

It don't sound cheesy at all and it like sex with you. So if you're a reader that could help. Okay, you could download that right now Okay, and I'm talking I mean I guess in the show So if you're a reader, that could help. You could download that right now. All right. OK. And then talk to us. I mean, I guess I never thought about it. You've got to practice in the shower. Yeah, just practice literally. Like, what's he going to ask me next time and practice saying, I want you to put the vibrate on my clip? I want you to kiss me.

I want you to lick my nipple. Like, just think about it and say it a few times. And you're face my term red or whatever, but it's fine because it gets easier from there. All right. And I think you've got these blogs. Okay, you're so welcome. Thanks, Anne.

Thanks for calling. There's a lot of different ways you guys, triple eight, nine, four, seven, eight, two, seven, seven. This stuff is scary. I get it if you've never talked about sex. If you've never talked dirty before, if you've never gone down on someone anally like, I get it. It's scary.

I'm afraid of rejection. We're afraid of being weird, but it's sex and sex is fun and beautiful. It's okay. I think there's something about being put on the spot though in the moment if you're not used to it, because I used to be really bad at it, but now it's like when it's my decision I'm like, I feel it pretty good at it. Yeah. There's something about that when someone like asks you the question that throws you off,

but when you decide, you're like, so maybe she should just lead with it, and just without waiting them to ask me, like, I've been thinking about you and asking what you want, and I want you to grab the toy and put it on my clip. You still listening in? Why don't you lead with it and surprise the shit out of your husband? Get it out of the way.

Like literally sat in the shower 10 times, and then just start. You get so many points for that, Anne, and you'll feel so good. All right, let's talk to Ben, who's 34 in Arizona, and wants to know what he can do sexually in a long distance relationship. Hey, Ben. I can help you here.

Tell me everything. Hi, Emily. Hi. Well, I was calling because it's kind of like a complicated, long distance relationship. We've been kind of seeing each other often on for a few years now, but we're not of what we've complicated along distance relationship. We've been kind of seeing each other often on for a few years now, but we're not officially official,

so we haven't crossed that threshold of sex yet. And I'm getting sexually frustrated beyond the least. I can imagine. I just don't know what to do. And I've tried doing FaceTime or sexy text or phone sex, but she's not really that kind of person. Like I always bring it up and- Well, and this is someone-

I'll tell you in person. Hmm, have you met her in person yet? Oh, yeah, we have. But like I said, it was kind of started off as friends and then then grew into a relationship and we're not like a fish Like I said, we're not officially official, but how often do you see her? Yeah God, we probably see each other at least like once every two months. Oh, but it's only been three months You said a few months. So you've seen her once No, no, no, we've been together for like a few years. A few years.

Oh, okay, okay, wait, wait, wait. So for three years, it's been every two months. Did you ever, and you lived in the same city at the beginning? No, we haven't. Oh, dude, okay, so Ben, Ben, Ben, is there ever, this is my advice for this. You got to fit three years in. If she's your person, at this point, you have to figure out, are both of you, do a plan to live in the same city. And if you don't, time to end it. What are you doing? Are you guys committed or are you monogamous?

I mean, yeah, we, um, you're 34 years old. Yeah. Yeah. And I, you haven't had sex you know and yeah like an over a year now and you haven't had sex in a year like I Ben yeah Ben now I what are you holding out for what are you looking for a relationship you looking for love do you want to get married you want kids yeah I mean I really like this girl so I really want to be with her. And so it's kind of one of those things. It's just like, I don't want to look for other people at the moment yet because I'm so happy. Well, because you're still in it. So you got to make a decision.

You got to make a decision next time you see. You guys are going to talk about this? Because if it's every two months, yeah. Yeah, you're not having your intimate needs met it because I thought you were going to give me tips to spice it up long distance, but I'm not even going to give you all my tips because I do have them. I mean I'm might but I'm I'm no not this call Ben you don't get those this is like you got to go when you sing her again hopefully next month okay well hope okay so and then you when you have not had intercourse yet but you do fool around you have yes

why i and what do you think you've been i mean that maybe that is for religious purposes why you at this moment like i said we just haven't gotten to that point i mean the last time we hold around and you know we kind of mutually masturbated with each other and stuff but it just didn't go there and like the last time i went

nothing happened. Maybe, you know, we made out and everything. But that's the best part of a long-distance relationship is that you get to have these vacation relations as I call them because every time you see each other, you're like, on vacation, it's the weekend. Woo! We're just going to, you know, and that's people in long-distance relationships, like sometimes they're like, and then we move to the same city and it fell apart because every time we were together, it was so intense and exciting and we knew it was going to end and then we'd have all the build up.

And that's why they can be really unhealthy after a while because you have to like get to the same, you know, you have to live in the same place, but why haven't you yet? I mean, it doesn't sound like you're getting your needs met. You're not getting the needs that I would want for bed. Met, even though I don't know you, Ben. But this doesn't sound like it's healthy

because you're in a monogamous relationship with someone who's not there. You have no intimacy in your life and you're waiting for this to happen and there's no ending to it. You still have an exact to know if you guys are even on the same page. It sounds like she's not as sexual as you want her to be. But you're not. Yeah.

It's just been frustrating and I just I don't know what to do at this point anymore. Well, I think it's time to next time you see her or at least on the phone have her face time with you. Do you have you should at least I hope you face time. Face time is see her or at least on the phone have her face time with you Do you have you should at least I hope you face time? Face time is amazing to making you feel like you're okay So I think you have to have a really Conversation with her like a real like we've got to figure out are we gonna live in the same city Sex is really important to me intimacy We have to have a plan for this because this is what what I want like least try to do so try to have a conversation

That you have not yet have, Ben. So try to do something that's going to move the needle in the relationship so you can have more information. So, but if it's about the sex thing, you could just let her know that I'm missing the intimacy and but it's just she's not going to have the sex with you right now. So just figure out where it's going and try to see your sooner than two months from now because I think that you, it's time for you to make a decision if you're going to stay or you're going to go.

So you can move on to something three years a long time, not seeing each other. Are you afraid? What do you afraid of? I mean, I agree. Yeah, okay, good. Kind of like rocking the boat, you know, because I like to do it. What boat? The boat sinking.

Okay, sorry. Yeah. Well, I know. I know what you mean. What boat the boat's sinking? Okay, sorry Well, I know I'm pushing you I'm pushing you I know you and I get it We get we'd like to play in the comfy pile the comfy like easy niz and I get I'm just pushing you So it's time Ben's time to get out of the not rocket time to rock the boat Let's rock the boat get you some answers So you know if you should stay or go and then you can find someone who's actually lives in the city who wants I've sexually you all the time or at least you know as you should stay or go and then you can find someone who's actually lives in the city who wants to have sex with you all the time or at

least you know as much as you want to. And then there'll be another problem when you'll call me back after you guys are together for six months with a new person you want sex though that's when you call me but right now you got to figure this one out and let me know because okay thanks Ben thanks for calling sometimes you gotta do some tough love I just got two I got two. Let's take this email here. Alright this comes to us Hannah, who's 20 in Canada. Dear Emily, I just started using dating apps. I've met some really amazing guys.

I've been sexually active with guys, but I am still a virgin. If I'm casually seeing a guy and want to have sex with him, how do I bring up the fact that I'm a virgin? Or do I have to tell him? Yeah, okay, great question, Hannah. Okay, here's the thing. Definitely let somebody know that you are a virgin. I think that what you guys, let's just be honest, it's a monumental time in your life. You will always remember the first time you have sex.

Let me know. Not as your fondest moment, not as the best sex you ever had, but as a moment, a passing, you know, a right to passage, and yes. No one's going to judge you. In fact, that's how you're going to be treated with the love and respect that you deserve and make sure it's someone that you're comfortable with, though. So yeah, call it a sexual debut. It's your debut going out of the world.

So if you want to, here's how you can do it, though, if you want to let them know you've had sex again, just let them know that first of all, know this in your heart, Hannah, that being a virgin is not anything to be ashamed of. It doesn't require justifying, apologizing, pretending that you know more than you do, that you're somebody else making noises or moving like you thought you saw on porn one day. Like, no, not at all.

Being a virgin is such a great state. It's like saying I have a cold. Like, you know what that means. Like a virgin, you have not had sex. So like, that's all it is, just something that you've not tried yet. So just let them know. Like when you're with someone that you feel a connection with and you're like, oh, we, you know, this is someone I could see myself having sexual feelings for. Just say, hey, let me know. I haven't, I haven't had sex yet just so you

know. I don't even like the word burn in. You just say, have a sex. Yeah, sexual debut. Sexual debut. Hey, guess what, buddy? It's my debut and you're invited. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. There's only one ticket to my sexual debut and you are invited. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I mean, let him know.

And also let him know where you're at. Sexually, with your sexuality, like, are you ready? Like, don't let a pressure you into it, obviously. And then just don't rush into it. Keep having conversations around it. Get to know each other. You guys, let me tell you something. If you haven't had sex, I get it. Like, getting my driver's license, right?

To be the best thing ever. Oh my God. And yeah, I bright night, you know, for a while it is. And now I'm like, I wish I could just, Uber, Uber, ride, only driving. Point is, it's liberating, it's free. And then you don't only think about it, you start driving.

Sex is the same thing, it's one of these sexes can be amazing, and the truth is, we all know that even once we start having sex for someone for 20 years or however long, we eventually want to go back to this part anyway when we're not having sex in the build up, or that build up and the excitement and the, so keep staying in that zone.

Like stay as long as you want to tell you feel safe to move into penetration, so building it up, letting them know it makes you feel good. Like, hopefully you've been masturbating and you know how to bring yourself to orgasm. Like that's fun, all the dry-humping and the things that you do. It is. The fingers and the licking and the 69-ing. And I think there's also, let them know that, you know, if it's in the heat of the moment,

like this is my first time. That's just different ways also let them know that, you know, and if it's in the heat of the moment, like this is my first time. That's just different ways to let them know. And make sure that yeah, you know your body, what makes you feel good, and that you are definitely not pressured into it and what I think is best, because you're asking me, you should just go on the apps, you're meeting some amazing guys,

waiting until you meet one that you've gone out with several times and that you trust. Like, you know, and this is what, this is what you have to learn, I think. But think about the people in your life that you really love, the friends that you met, that you is what you have to learn, I think. But think about the people in your life that you really love, that the friends that you met, that you became close to you right away, and there's never any drama, there's never any worries.

Think about people. Those are the people you want to sleep with, I think, that you've known for a little bit. There's enough track record that you're like, said he was gonna be here at eight, he was here at eight. Like his mom, like seems to have friends, has a job, some with his brother, he was nice, they're like good people.

Otherwise you're just gonna be, I think we know that, think about how you've touched your friends, we all have friends we've had, there's endless people you've never invented, so think about it that way, Hannah, move slow, tread lightly, and don't blame, there's nothing to feel shameful about, and just have fun with yourself for now.

Also, the master's in important and just communicate. I feel safe. Thanks for the email. Let's talk to Brittany. She's 23 in Idaho, and she wants to know why she's experiencing pain during orgasm. Hey, Brittany. Hey.

Hey, sweetie. Thanks for calling. Tell me what's going on. Yeah. It's actually not during orgasm, it's afterwards. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's complete like after, after we laid down, after afterwards, we're just relaxing and then I'm doubling over and excruciating pain. I've had doctors tell me, oh, your appendix is going to burst. I've had a doctor tell me, oh, I'll see you as needed.

I've seen multiple obese. So I just, I don't know where to turn now. I mean, we have a great sex life. Well, I'm going to help you, okay? So it's right after orgasm. So you never have them. You never have it during, though. Never.

Okay. So it could be, there's a few things, because I thought you were just gonna talk about pain during sex, there's a few things that could be happening. It could be your cervix. See that happens sometimes, like your cervix might be touched during sex, and it's a very tender part of the body,

and like the surrounding muscles, right? I know, I know what that, I know what that feels like, and it's not that because it's deeper. I don't know, I guess where my uterus is? I don't know. Here's the thing, but the cervix is opening to the uterus. So problems that can cause painless, and there's a lot of things that it could be. It could be pelvic inflammatory disease. It could be like, that's essentially when the tissues become really inflamed and the

pressure in our course is causing a deep pain. There's a lot of different reasons, but what I kind of tell you what you have to do is, so you said you went to your gynecologist and they were like, what do you say, she say? Your thing's going to burst. Well, the first one, the first one he told me he thinks my Pelix is gonna. Oh right. Okay. She's. I don't have PID or anything like that either. Okay, this is what then you need to do. Here's the problem. I don't know if you've been listening to this show for a while, but this is this is a really big topic. So I'm glad

you called him because 80% of women have pain during sex at some point in their life. And many of them will tell their guy knows and they're like, oh, it's in your head or we don't know or have a glass of wine. What I think you need to do is you need to find a pelvic floor physical therapist. You can find one in your area and they are amazing. And their entire job is to look at your pelvic floor and they can tell you in one session what you need to do and then help you work through just like a physical therapist for if you hurt your shoulder or your leg. So find that and that's gonna be your next best step. I brought beyond your doctor, it's genius.

So find one in your area. You can just Google, like there's like a board, it'll be like pelvic floor physical therapist certified in your area. That's it. Because here's the thing, it could be so many different things. If he's, you know And during metriosis, it could be vaginismus in voluntary spasm of the muscles.

And that could also sometimes be something emotional. Maybe you had something that happened during childhood. Maybe you put a tampon in once. I did. You had some sexual trauma? Yeah, but I don't really think that affects me Oh, oh it does honey. So here's the thing you're not and so I would go see a physical therapist and this is this is the other thing when we experience sexual trauma It stays with us even if we think we've talked it through or we've forgiven it's deep work that has to happen

So if you haven't seen a therapist about it and you want to continue to help these years under my belt. Oh a therapy? Okay. Have you? Well, that's awesome. I recently I don't have sexual trauma, but I have other just like emotional trauma and for many people with sexual trauma EMDR therapy. I movement, repress, desensitization, reprocessing, is it's a very effective treatment for people who have suffered any kind of trauma, and it's less sessions you need, but they work with you,

and working through the trauma in the moment, using these little buzzers you hold in your hand, and you relive the trauma and it reprocessed your brain. You can look that up as well, EMDR. So those are my two suggestions for you. Yeah, there you go even talking about I might be even heard of that. Yeah, it's you know, it's been around now for about 15 20 years and they they actually it was for vets I think they discovered it or people know people were out walking a lot and they were doing certain movements that would help them

Reprocessing I think it was with vets were vets and then now it's become a very very like it's it's an amazing It's not like woo woo it sounds like it, but it's not super effective. So those are my two, those are my two best tips for you, Brittany, because you should not have any pain during sex. I don't want that for you. And I don't want you to have any emotional stuff. Let's clear it all out, sweetie. Let me know how it goes though. Okay. I'm here for you. All right. If you want to talk about stuff after you go, you're so welcome. Have a great night, Brittany. Thanks for calling.

Let's talk to Steve. He's 39 in Arizona. I want to ask about how to take care of and clean his six stories. Oh, I got you on this one. Hey, Steve. Hey, Emily, happy hump day. Oh, my God. It was a hump day.

Thank you, Steve. Happy hump day to you. Yeah. Why can't I have just a little collection of toys? I got rings and different stuff. And some of them are still called some of them are like PVC or whatever the cheaper material is. And we just want to know how to keep those things clean

after use, especially during storage or whatever. OK. Well, that is such a good question. Because it's so important to clean your toys. can actually get infections bacterial infections from not cleaning your toys So the easiest way to do it is I think is to keep like is a this is what they they say the instructions are essentially is to use a Damn cloth like a first always wipe it off after with a damn cloth Damn cloth. That was kind of a we did a video once, I had to keep, at damp cloth, so really a damp cloth.

And then also there's toy cleaners. There's a lot of great toy cleaners. We love the system joe toy cleaner. If you go to our website, we've got a bunch of toy cleaners. So just like sprays and you spray it, you wipe it off, you're done. If you have a few toys though, Steve, I'm gonna blow your mind with one of my favorite inventions

in text-sex technology, the last few years, it's called the UV. It's UVE. And it's basically, it looks like a store, a little beautiful box, like a store, it's a storage box, essentially. No one knows what's in it. It stores, cleans and sanitizes, it charges your toys. So it has a little lock on it, and you put your toys in there. You self-tawip them off, but you them in and you close it and it uses UV light and

it cleans all your toys and then there's charging outlets and there's just be charged and there's a lock on it so no one can see what's in there. So any version of the will work but I think the UVs I have it by my bed no one knows what it is it's cool. So that's just make sure that you use a cleaner and you wipe them off and just don't put them away dirty. And then I would wrap them up. Is there anything bad about using like a dove, like a soft soap? You know, I gotta be honest, you could use a little bit of light soap if you'd like to. I think people do that anyway. But I'd like to go more on the sudsy of the water part than the very, very light soap. I think it's better to just, yeah.

So you're fine. I mean, sometimes you can use baby wipes, honestly. So just make sure you wipe off all the soap after. That's the most important thing. But I think a little bit of soap is fine. As long as you are cleaning them and drying them and storing them in a place that's not, don't storm when they're wet still.

You know, leave them out to dry. So yeah, you're doing well. I try to keep them all separated from each other, like, wrap them in a towel so nothing's touched until the silicone's don't melt together. That's great. No, I was just going to say that wrap them in a washcloth or something or cloth to keep them. They come in little bags too.

A lot of the toys come in bags. Most of them do now. They come in a little, keep the bag and clean it and put it away. Yeah, so I'm glad you asked about that because people, some people just, me actually, the woman who invented, thank you for your question, Steve. Let me know that goes. Good, thank you.

Of course, the woman who invented UV carry, she had infection from a toy. And she was like, this is ridiculous. What are we gonna do? And she invented this very elegant thing called the UV. We'll put it in the show notes. If you go to sexethamely.com. OK, everyone.

Help you enjoy this show. Thank you for listening. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Michelle, Kristen, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexethamely.com. you