Sex With Emily - F These Dating Myths w/ Damona Hoffman

Episode Date: January 5, 2024

Burnt out from dating? Do you feel like you’ll never meet “the one?” In today’s episode, celebrity dating coach Damona Hoffman dispels common dating myths and suggests new dating pillars. Plus..., she tells us which dating rules to follow (and which to disregard), the #1 expectation for men on dates with women, and how to make your online dating profile stand out. In this episode, you’ll also learn: How much chemistry really matters on a date Who should make the first move How to track your dates to be more strategic See the full show notes at Show Notes: 5 Ways to Be a Better Lover in 2024 F the Fairy Tale, Damona Hoffman: Amazon | Barnes & Noble More Damona Hoffman: Instagram | TikTok | X (Twitter) | Website Dates & Mates Podcast: Spotify | Apple Podcasts | Website SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 In my work, I would say a lot of times you don't know what you think you know. You know that you have a traction to this person, but people will be like, I was love it for sight. No, it wasn't. No, get out of here. It was lust at first sight. You can't tell if you love someone the minute you look into their eyes. You're listening to Sex with Emily.
Starting point is 00:00:23 I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Are you burnt out from dating? Do you feel like you'll never meet the one? In today's episode, celebrity dating coach D'Amona Hoffman dispels common dating myths like the list myth and the chemistry myth and suggests new dating pillars for us to follow. Plus she tells us which dating rules to follow and which ones to disregard. The number one expectation for men on dates with women
Starting point is 00:00:49 and how to make your online dating profile stand out. So if you're single and looking for a match or you're in a non-monogamous relationship, this episode is for you. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, it's super easy to do. We so appreciate you and we read all of your reviews like this one just came in from Sam Forty One in Washington. I love your book and I've listened to your podcast for years, sometimes with my wife, and
Starting point is 00:01:14 there are so many things that have improved our relationship. Thank you. We love you, Sam, and thanks for listening to the show. We appreciate you, and I love that you listen to this wife. A lot of people listen with their partners and get a lot out of the show. My new article, Five Ways to Be a Better Lover, is up on Sex with Emily dot com. Art of Want enjoyed this episode. If you've ever thought about giving your toes into the world of sex toys but didn't know where to start, well, I found a solution that's not only beginner-friendly, but also super affordable. And to make it easy, you can find it at local retailers,
Starting point is 00:01:49 and that is plus one. Plus one wants to make your journey of self-exploration smooth like their silicone toys, which are actually super smooth. Check out the range of products from their dual massager, which is just so versatile, to their sleek bullet vibrator, which I literally gifted everyone on my holiday list this year. You might have also heard of their viral rose arouser. It was all over TikTok, and it's a really discreet
Starting point is 00:02:14 device that's definitely more reliable than your last Tinder date. Trust me. And if sexual wellness is on your resolution list, check out plus one's Kegel trainer. This will be your new found ally to make your pelvic floor stronger and your orgasms more reliable. So start on your journey of sexual pleasure and wellness with plus one. Visit and use code SWE15 at checkout for 15% off this week. That's and use code SWE15 to get 15% off this week only. Or find them on Amazon or at your local retailers
Starting point is 00:02:46 like Target, CVS, Kroger and Walmart. Plus one, because everyone deserves a plus one on their quest for self love. I love D'Amona Hoffman, I'm so glad she's here in today's show. She's a celebrity dating coach. She's been coaching singles on how to find love online and offline for over 15 years she is a pro. She's the official love expert on the Drew Barrymore show. Also the host of the long-running dates and mates podcast, spokesperson expert for top dating apps like
Starting point is 00:03:20 match and Bumble and okay, Cupid. But today we're talking about her new book, F. The Fairy Tale, rewrite the dating myths and live your own love story. It came out in January second so you gotta get your copy right now. I love talking to Dimona and you're gonna get a lot out of this episode. She gives super helpful dating tips like how to keep track of your date so you can be more strategic and make better decisions, asking follow-up questions to be more intriguing, she gets really specific here so we just can do it right after listening to Mona. We also discuss what is this dating fairy tale that we all believe that might be harming
Starting point is 00:03:54 us, who should make the first move once and for all? How much chemistry really matters on a date? Does it matter, do you need that spark right away? And whether or not you should make a list of desired qualities in a partner. All right, let's get into it. To Mona Hoffman, welcome back to the show. Girl, I am so happy to see you. Thank you for having me back.
Starting point is 00:04:13 Congratulations on your new book, F the Fairy Tale, re-write the dating mess and live your own love story. It's a wonderful book. I love that you just get into it. Like you've been doing for almost 20 years of coaching people, helping people really get clear on dating, but I thought before we get into the myths and pillars around dating that you lay out in your book, why the title F, the fairy tale? Can you define this fairy tale so we're all clear? The fairy tale is really any
Starting point is 00:04:42 story that maybe is needing a rewrite right now. These fairy tales, they come from our families of origin, they come from our society, they come from romcoms, they come from actual fairy tales, and they guide so many of our decisions and we are so addicted to stories. We love to tell stories, we love to rush through to the end. But in the 17 plus years that I've been coaching, I've seen that a lot of times the attachment to this particular outcome or this particular story is what keeps a lot of people feeling stuck in love. So I think it's time. It's 2024. It's time for us to put that aside, say,
Starting point is 00:05:21 after fairytale and rewrite these dating myths so that we can live our own love stories. Okay, so then let's get into that because the first myth that you break down is the list myth that we shouldn't necessarily hold these ideas of what we think we want in a partner. Now I did make a list, I read your book that you did a similar thing where you had these pieces of paper in a jar of what you wanted a partner, and then you looked at it a year later, and it came true.
Starting point is 00:05:48 I kind of did that with my current partner. I wrote down specific things of how I wanted to feel with this person and the traits and values that I admired in them, and I do feel like you checked a lot of those boxes. There's some stuff I wish I added. So I'm like, I should've put you know. I'm like, why did I put, because I got pretty much everything.
Starting point is 00:06:06 So can you explain what we do wrong with the list, man? Like what part of that isn't great for people? How does it not work for people? No, what can we do differently? I love how you phrased it, Emily, that you wrote down how you wanted to feel. And I think that's the real flip in this, that we've all been dating by the same list. You know, in all of the years I've been coaching, I ask people, what are you looking for? And they either tell me, I'll know it when I see it. And I'm like, then where is it?
Starting point is 00:06:33 Like, have you seen it? Or they'll give me a list of my along. And it's uncanny. How similar the lists are to one another. Six feet tall. He makes this much money, he lives here, he has this job, and I want folks to just step back and say, how do I want to feel, like you just said? And what really is important to me, we address all of the myths in F. the Fairytale with the pillars, the pillars of long-term compatibility. So much more important to know that you are traveling the same path, that you have the same goals at the beginning that you're starting at the same finish line because we can get caught up in a whole lot of other things and a lot of stories that don't add up to the future that we're trying to build. I love that you have it list by like the myth and then the antidote to that is
Starting point is 00:07:19 the goal. So give us an example of some goals that would help us more like I want to have kids or I want to get married or I'll give you actually an example for my own life that is not in the family. I said in my head before I did this exercise that you just talked about, I was like, I love doing yoga. I'm still, I mean, 20 plus years I've been a yoga fanatic. I was like, I got a really fine guy who does yoga to do yoga with me. But the reality is that does not matter at all
Starting point is 00:07:50 for compatibility. The truth is my husband has done maybe two yoga classes in his life. And it's more about that I wanted the freedom to still pursue the things that I enjoyed. And so many times people will say, oh, I want somebody to play tennis with, there's somebody to travel, there's some,
Starting point is 00:08:08 look, one of my good friends, very active, she busted her ACL and she is out for like six months. We, she was my workout buddy. Like, if we were in a relationship because we worked out together, we would have a rocky six months. Let me tell you. So we have to get away from some of these superficial things that we've been on the list and really just begin with what are your long-term
Starting point is 00:08:32 goals for the relationship? Short-term and long-term goals. Okay. Am I looking for marriage? Am I looking for kids? Am I looking for partnership? I may not interested in any of those things. Am I interested in non-monogamy? Is it, do I need a partner that understands that? We have to ask ourselves these big questions and we have to be willing to bring them forward early on, but we're so interested in being liked, being chased, being adored, being liked, that we are afraid to say what we truly want because we think it'll turn somebody off, and it will, but it'll turn off the wrong people. People who are wrong for you.
Starting point is 00:09:06 Yeah, exactly. No, no, I get it. That's a great differentiator there to say, first of all, that we want to be liked, that we often go out and relationship. I hope they like me, I hope they like me, right? When really like, do we like them and do they share our goals?
Starting point is 00:09:18 And so I thought you had a great differentiator there, though, when you did say, the reason why you might have part done yoga is because you don't want your yoga time to be taken away from you. So this partner might come with you, but really that's not the most important thing, like to really go deeper. So this process of just really writing it all out will allow you to get clear. I'm like, maybe you want someone who prioritizes their health and wellness as well, but they don't necessarily have to be like holding hands with you and down or down.
Starting point is 00:09:43 Yeah, that fear that fear keeps a lot of people stuck, that fear of like, oh, what if they don't like me or what if I say this and I know you talk about this a lot on the show too, like, what if I voice that I want this and they're like, that's weird. Yeah. One with you that like, that's not your person. The sooner we are clear and specific about what we want,
Starting point is 00:10:05 whether it's on our dating app or whether, you know, our profile or just dating someone, it's just so funny that we hold things back so we want to be like, but we don't know we like this person, but I guess you help people prioritize it. Be like, if this is really important to you, better to find out now than months or years down the line.
Starting point is 00:10:22 Just on that prioritization, it's just to me that what I'm all about and what this book is all about is having some sort of a strategy for love. And especially at this point that we're at coming out of the pandemic and really craving human connection, we are kind of doing it haphazardly. And then we're getting really mixed results. I'm hearing a lot about ghosting. I'm hearing a lot of dating frustration. I'm hearing a lot of dating burnout. And I feel
Starting point is 00:10:52 like the fix for that is to actually be more mindful and to be more strategic instead of just waiting to see whatever, whatever ends up happening because then whatever is going to happen. What are the changes that you've seen since the pandemic and dating? So what happened in 2020 is the dating apps were our lifeboat. We clung to that because that was how we continued to make connections. Because I mean, you know this, the drive for connection and sex and love. It is one of our most primal and intense drives and instincts. So here we were being told, stay at home.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Don't talk to anybody. Don't touch anybody. And we're like, no, I need something, even if it's just like a text message, give me something. So the apps were flooded with new users, which ultimately, I think dating apps are for the better. And I feel like we've talked about this on your show before. Dating apps have expanded our dating pool and dating options exponentially.
Starting point is 00:12:00 But that's where the strategy and the process comes in, because when you have a lot of choice and you have a lot of activity, you have to make a lot more micro decisions and it becomes a lot more exhausting. So that's where we're at right now. The speed of dating, that is the thing that has changed the very most since I started coaching. And I was coaching on profiles 17 years ago. I know a lot of people think that online dating was just invented. No, honey. It's been here as long as online dating has been around,
Starting point is 00:12:30 people have used it successfully. So it's not this idea that nobody wants, paradox of choice, nobody wants to match anymore and people are just exhaustive dating is not quite right. It's that we are doing everything at scale. We are feeling the highs and lows so much more acutely because we're doing it so much more because the speed of dating is increased.
Starting point is 00:12:53 The volume of communication and conversation and connections have increased and most folks have no kind of process around that to manage it. What is the top thing if you meet with someone the first place to start with that of managing? no kind of process around that to manage it. What is the top thing if you meet with someone, the first place to start with that of managing? Is there like a quick tip for people
Starting point is 00:13:09 that's just an easy hack right now if you are in burnout mode? If you're in literal dating burnout, take a break, first of all. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but I talk about this enough, the fairy tale. You don't wanna be dating from that place of need, of lack of burnout, like come back to it when you are fresh.
Starting point is 00:13:26 Set a date, though. Say, okay, I'm gonna give myself two weeks to refresh, focus on me, not be caught up in the flurry of messages and meeting people. And then I'm gonna come back at it with intention, with mindfulness. Any other intention may just be like, I wanna hook up with people, like that's fine, that's fine, but do it with intention, with mindfulness. And your intention may just be like, I wanna hook up with people, like, that's fine.
Starting point is 00:13:46 That's fine, but do it with intention because we don't know what the other person's coming to the table with either. And we, the other thing I talk about in the book that's a little nontraditional is they talk about empathy and dating and that if we can look at it from the perspective of the other person and approach dating with empathy for ourselves perspective of the other person and approach
Starting point is 00:14:05 dating with empathy for ourselves and for the other person, it totally changes the experience of dating. But the real quick tip, this is the real hot tip, Emily, track it. What gets tracked gets measured. And what gets measured, once you start seeing what's actually happening in your dating life, then you can be more strategic and make new decisions. And this isn't a new concept,
Starting point is 00:14:30 this is something that I've been doing for a long time. It's hilarious to me that like on TikTok now, everybody's like, oh my gosh, I kept a spreadsheet for my dates and I'm like, honey, I've been doing this since. So it's been a thousand, seven. I was tracking things. I know, I'm with these, so I know. But track it like in spreadsheet like literally how did I feel off from the date?
Starting point is 00:14:50 Who was this person, right? What did I learn? So you go because yeah, we shouldn't have to remember all that stuff. I can barely remember a lot of things. People I meet at a party as friends like write it down track how you felt. I have like a free tracker on my website like Like, I'm on a hop and knock on slash date tracker. I'm literally saying write down, record, what dates you went on, how you felt,
Starting point is 00:15:13 what, how you left it, because all of that matters for what happens in the future. Okay, and you think you're gonna remember, but you don't often, so just like, it's like we take notes and meetings, just write it down. Go back to the empathy thing. I think you really gonna remember, but you don't often, so just like, right, it's like we take notes and meetings, just write it down. Go back to the empathy thing. I think you really do spell that out in your book. How would you describe that dating with empathy?
Starting point is 00:15:30 Well, our knee jerk reaction is, of course, if someone quote rejects us to feel hurt, and if we want to quote reject someone else, sometimes we feel some kind of way about doing that and about really speaking our truth. But really, it's everyone is looking out for their highest good and their best possible partnership. So if you're not acting from a place of empathy, you're actually hurting the other people
Starting point is 00:16:04 more. If you're not saying, Hey, this isn't the thing or this is actually what I want, but this is very convenient or whatever it is. Ultimately, you're doing more harm to yourself. So just starting with putting yourself in the other person's shoes, like, what I want to hear this information, what I want you to break up with me over a text. What I want you to tell me after the first day, if you actually didn't want to go out again. And we're just reframing how we're thinking about that as less empathetic, to not tell somebody you do not intend to see them ever again. And the other thing about empathy is that when you bring it to the date with you, it really changes the whole tone of the conversation.
Starting point is 00:16:48 It changes the way that you listen, it changes the way that you respond. If you're really thinking like, is this person checking my boxes, going down the list, thank you next, and you're instead, like, let me focus on connecting with this human for the hour, hour and a half that we have together, that's another hot tip. Don't overstay your welcome on those first dates. But just enough to say, have I heard this person? Have I connected with this person?
Starting point is 00:17:14 And then you have that moment. No matter what happens after that, that keeps you out of anxiety actually, because when you are in the present, the anxiety comes up when you're projecting to the future or you're reminiding about the past. But if you're in the present, you can't be anxious in the present
Starting point is 00:17:30 if you're really being empathetic and you're really listening to the person in front of you and engaging with them. Yeah, that's a really good point. Go in mindfully with compassion. It's funny that I read that part about the first date, should only last 90 minutes tops, and I was reading it and I turned to that part
Starting point is 00:17:44 and I was like, how long was our first date? He's like, I think it was four hours, but we did have like three-marthinis, but you would have avised against it. I know, it was a little too long. Well, and here's the thing, like there's always exceptions, but I'm kind of teaching people how to date
Starting point is 00:17:58 for the long term. I will admit, this is not in the book, Emily, but I will admit, I had a one drink maximum because I had a couple of three martini dudes before and I didn't like how I felt. Like I didn't feel like I was in control of my choices. So I was like, from this point forward, I'm having one drink only.
Starting point is 00:18:18 And there were a lot of first dates where I had one drink. I will admit when I met my husband, I had two. Oh, okay. I did have two. The second myth is the rules myth because I don one drink, I will admit when I met my husband, I had two. Oh, okay. I did have two. The second myth is the rules myth because I don't really believe in rules. The rules are made to be broken. But if you have guidelines for yourself, it helps you in the long term. And then you can have an exception like the four hour date that you had because you know
Starting point is 00:18:40 what else is out there. You've been through the experiences, and you can tell when something also shifts when it within you. Absolutely. Let's get into the rules, but what do we need to disregard right now? What are we believing that is untrue?
Starting point is 00:18:55 And I love that you also side out brought up that rules book that we grew up with in the 90s. I think you were there dating, and it was like, it did, like everybody was talking about it, and it was like it did like everybody was talking about it and it was so specific like don't be available. He has to ask you out by Wednesday to go on date by Friday. You can't don't be available the last minute. You know wait for them to call all the things. I think a lot of those still linger. So can you walk me through what we need
Starting point is 00:19:21 to disregard? Yeah, the rules, the game, and pick-up artists techniques. Yes. And look, I'm not saying that those rules don't work or it didn't work for a time. I'm just saying that you have to figure out if those rules work for you to get the outcome that you want. And I think the subtitle of the rules was like, time-tested secrets to like get the ring or something. And just for me, I'm a feminist.
Starting point is 00:19:49 I'm like, I know you're about, you know, female empowerment as well too. Like that just felt, like it didn't speak to me. I was never chasing a ring. That was never my goal. And I just don't like and don't encourage my clients to follow any strict set of rules because rules just make you feel restricted. And I would like you to feel open and authentic. And you know, alive. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:20:22 You still have a robot. Right. You're not authentic at all. And if you're playing a role or really being empathic, I love that you debunked this one myth about women. We say, oh, I should ask a guy out. I'm like, oh, we still talked about this. But then you decided to study that said that relationships were women asked men out last longer. Yes, it's true. And I work with OKCupid. So I can peer behind the curtain, see behind the scenes on what people are actually saying, how people are answering these matching questions, and the
Starting point is 00:20:49 conversations when they were initiated by women lasted twice as long as when they were initiated by men. And yet, on dates and mates, I promise you, Emily, just about every month, I get at least one question that's like, so wait, I can ask a guy out now and I'm like, what year is it? Did we go into a time warp in the pandemic or something? Because, and I know you have a lot of guys listening in the show right now, and I would bet if there are anything like the dates and mates listeners, they're like, please, please
Starting point is 00:21:19 ladies, help a brother out. They love it. Yeah. But this is the thing that makes no sense to me about the society that we live in right now. I know. We want empowerment. We want to be empowered. We want to be in control.
Starting point is 00:21:36 We want to design our own destiny. But then we say, I don't want to work so hard. I want him to pursue me and take the initiative and whatever. And because of online dating, we have assigned a different timeline to how that is supposed to unfold. And we're putting all those expectations that we used to have on in-person communication. And we're assigning it to the app. So we're like, well, these are the rules, but they're the rules for like a different game. It's like you're playing parcheese, but you're on a chess board and you're you're wondering why it's not working for you.
Starting point is 00:22:15 I've never played parcheese. I don't know why you're cheesing out. It's a good word. You get it. It's a fun word to say. It is right. Yeah, no, you're right. It's a totally different world right now. Do what you want to do. Don't think about that. Feel in each moment with each person, with each contact, right? Like, what feels right in the moment? What do I want to do?
Starting point is 00:22:32 So we just got to ditch all the rules, right? Is that what you're saying? Like, don't have a rule. It's a case by case basis. Ditch the rules and go a level deeper, actually. OK, for me, like, I don't know if I would go all the way to do what you want to do. Okay. But I would say if we start, this is why I wrote the book.
Starting point is 00:22:52 It's sort of chronological, like it's broken up into the predating phase, which I consider the mindset phase. And then the list is around the search phase. And then we get into the date and the future as we're sort of moving through this Continuum beginning at the beginning begin with clarity. So we get clear on the goals But then in the search it's kind of about values. Okay, so that you're not just giving your time to Anyone that you think is cute. You're actually Choosing mindfully and then you're making choices that are in alignment
Starting point is 00:23:26 with the goals that you started. Right. Okay, the goals and then the values. So the antidote to the rules is get very clear on your values. And I think it's interesting about that process of finding out our values. How do we know what they are, right? Which I found interesting. Now, we say most couples share two to three of these values. Is there a hint of easy? That's a are, right? Which I found interesting that we say most couples share
Starting point is 00:23:45 two to three of these values. Is there a good easy, I mean, that's a process, right? We gotta sit down and do it, but it's a good process. It's an important exercise. Right. And there's so many ways to access this. Yes, in the book, I give some of the exercises I've given my clients before,
Starting point is 00:24:00 but it could be done in a lot of different ways. The important thing is that you are listening out in the world as you're dating and really seeing how values show up. So, for example, we are looking for shortcuts also in values. We're like, yes, I hear what you're saying, Dhamona. I do want somebody who's a values match. And therefore, they must be a Democrat. Because we think that that means they have the same stance
Starting point is 00:24:33 on all of these issues and they come from the same perspective and maybe they come from the same background. And we think it's a proxy for all of these other micro-choices we have to make and perspectives on the world. And they're not. So we need to kind of back that up and be asking questions about the way people think and looking at also the way that they act and where they put this is why in the book I give this exercise to order your values because
Starting point is 00:25:01 many times we haven't been asked to do that. Like if you have a call from work and a call from family, which one are you going to take? No, and no judgment. That's the other thing. There's no judgment in this process. It just is. And this is the other issue I think with the way that we have dated in the past, there's so much shame and judgment and like, well, if I believe that, then what else? And it's even getting worse with social media and people pointing fingers at like, oh, you believe that, then you're wrong. Like, let's get back to the connection and the conversation.
Starting point is 00:25:34 There's so much more interesting in that. So what do you think about that? I know we used to say we shouldn't talk about politics or religion or any of those things, but now the apps are including that, right? So is that helpful or harmful? I don't know. I don't know yet. Reply hazy. Ask again later. But I can tell you that it is.
Starting point is 00:25:55 I don't know that it's good or that it's bad, but I know that it is. And I know that about, I don't know, 2016-ish, 2015, I started having clients say things to me like this person must vote in this way or must not vote in this way if we're gonna go out. Like I will not. And there were a lot of lines drawn in the sand and people wanted to talk about politics on a first date.
Starting point is 00:26:27 I talked about studying on dates and mates recently, where it said that Gen Z daters actually like talking about politics on a first date. It's a huge generational shift, and I always kind of look to the youngest generation of daters to show us what the trends are going to be. And there's a lot of very interesting trends among Gen Z singles.
Starting point is 00:26:53 And yeah, one of them is like, let's talk about politics because this actually now, maybe it was number six or seven, 10 years ago, on the list of important values and criteria for a date. And now it's literally number one or two for almost everyone that makes sense. Well, lots happened since 2015, 2016, right? Politically. So, okay, I have a few things.
Starting point is 00:27:15 Let's talk about the chemistry myth, because I think that's interesting. That's very dear and dear to my heart of the belief that there has to be this immediate spark that you should know when you walk in the room if this is your person. So why is this a myth? I'm like, I want to get your take on the chemistry myth. But in my work, I would say a lot of times you don't know what you think you know. You know that you have attraction to this person, but people will be like, oh, I was love it for sight.
Starting point is 00:27:42 No, it wasn't. No, get out of here. It was lust it for sight. You can't tell if you love someone the minute you looked into their eyes. And the other thing, I quote, our mutual friend, Dr. Drew Pinsky, when he was on my show, he said, we want maybe butterflies,
Starting point is 00:27:57 but not lightning bolts. Like if it's that like week in the news, like, oh, I can't even, I can't think of anything else. That's when you have to start to examine where is that coming from. That's your nervous system responding to something, whether it's the the fact that they remind you of someone or the fact that they trigger something within you that is maybe not that healthy. Like, it's kind of a flashing warning sign in my book that you need to pay attention to.
Starting point is 00:28:29 And instead we blow through it and we just go to like, I want what I want and I want the passion. What do you think? So the chemistry myth, I think that we all want to feel some kind of spark right away. And I tell people to look for an interest. And maybe someone you want to see and maybe you're a great conversation You think they're a good person. Maybe you could see yourself with them. Not you're on the fence
Starting point is 00:28:50 I think you know go out with them again See how it feels because I think that it's really is hard to track to get that initial spark with everybody And I think we can all many of us contest the fact and you probably hear this as well that it builds over time It can't be completely the more you get to know somebody, I often get people coming to my show when they say, our sex life is dead, we're not interested in each other anymore. I don't want to sex anymore. What do I do? And I always say, well, was it there at the beginning? And what I mean by that was, was it there at the honeymoon phase? Did you have on even phase? Was the sex amazing? So I think this chemistry, I think what we're saying here is just to kind of that early on, go out with someone a few times.
Starting point is 00:29:28 And I think you believe this to like check someone out. And then usually if you're dating someone for a while, you hopefully have a spark and you're into it. You want to have sex with them. But I think it's really important like to talk about the first, second, third date that it might take a bit to build. And after the third date, do you believe that you should know if there's chemistry? I think date three is now. 100%. I have a three date rule in, after fairy tale. I know I just said tools over rules. But there are certain things I had to make rules
Starting point is 00:29:53 for my clients about because within the absence of the rule, they were going to default to whatever they were doing before. So I say at the end of the first date, all you need to know is that you're curious enough about this person to spend another hour with them, and the same at the end of the second date. If you're not thinking by the end of the third day,
Starting point is 00:30:13 like, what would it be like? Guess this person, or you're not feeling like there's any kind of chemistry there. Yeah. Then I feel like you've given it a fair shot. I actually just was hearing recently about somebody was telling me that it took them until date eight to feel the chemistry. And I was like, you're a very generous.
Starting point is 00:30:37 So I don't, I even get pushed back Emily just from saying three dates. They're like, I can't, I can't wait three dates. I can't, you know, it's like, well, okay. We have the rest of our lives together. What's another couple dates? What's an hour of your time? But you have to have that curiosity. And I also say, if they have any of your deal breakers,
Starting point is 00:30:54 like back in the mindset phase, we identify what our three must-haves and our one deal breaker is. You get one deal breaker. And if I would give you more, but again, people abuse it. So I have to be with this. I like to be with this.
Starting point is 00:31:07 You make it talk yourselves out at anything. But if they have that one deal breaker, or they have that, they did something that really offended you or upset you, or you just don't feel safe with them. Oh, that's something I want to talk to you about. Oh, yeah. Talk to us.
Starting point is 00:31:22 I'm really, I've become very bullish about safety for women in dating and relationships. And this has kind of been my, my, my MO for the last year. I feel like a guy's number one job on a date is to make a woman feel safe. It's not to like make her impressed. It's not to make her impressed, it's not to the wine and dine her. It's like, how do I make her feel safe? And Emily, you're the perfect person to ask this question. I don't know how to help men create that space
Starting point is 00:31:57 and understand that that is important. Do you agree that's even? I agree, I agree. I agree. I agree. No, I'm with you. Safety is important throughout an entire relationship from dating to relationships to sex.
Starting point is 00:32:10 So I think it's by listening, by being consistent, by showing up when you say you're gonna show up, by remembering things, by not drinking too much, by being maybe texting when did you get home okay? If you guys are taking separate ubers or taking the train or something. But I think it's just also by demonstrating that you have some kind of emotional intelligence,
Starting point is 00:32:32 safety's important throughout. And I'd also wanna add that for women, typically, they, you know, when they feel safer with a guy, they're gonna be able to lean into the sex and have better sex. And when we feel safe, we can let go. And then we can really test if this is someone we want to be with or try it out and feel like that, feel good in my body. We can report more gasms when they feel safe, safe, these huge. So I love that you are landing this in the book as well. And then all that you're
Starting point is 00:33:01 doing. And with you, it's important. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. I'm glad that you said that. In the book, you know, I really don't get into sexual compatibility or, you know, creating that space like you were talking about. I know what Emily's Lane is. Yeah. That's why you're here.
Starting point is 00:33:18 You're laying. You're laying. We're here for you. But you wrote, you wrote the book out. You literally wrote the book and it's such an excellent book. But I really want to help people start that process really at the beginning of dating and it's, I think it starts with listening and it starts with like everything that you just said.
Starting point is 00:33:37 So wise. But it's really a problem right now. And I love dating apps. I dated, like I said, I met my husband online. I've dated on the apps for years before I met him. And most of the time I felt safe. And I had some guidelines, I even have some safety guidelines in the book of what we can do to make it more safe
Starting point is 00:34:00 for ourselves and the other person. But it's not even just physical safety. It's really that emotional safety that you were talking about. Yeah. And people are so suspicious because when we meet on a dating app, it's a stranger. Like this could be literally anyone. You don't have any connection points. You don't have any accountability there. And that's why we're seeing a lot of bad behavior. And yes, there are the like, don't date him girl.
Starting point is 00:34:25 And the, you know, are we dating the same guy and the West don't Caleb and the TikTok sharing and all of that? Like a lot of that bad, those bad actors are kind of being held to task and brought to the surface. But we need to really shift the culture around that. Mm-hmm. Yeah, come on.
Starting point is 00:34:43 Because there's a lot of ways to be unsaved now, like if someone's just not real, like if they're catfishing or so there's a lot of things to look at with safety. That is a bigger issue right now for sure. And I love that you get people to prioritize that and safety is also something that we can feel in our bodies once we learn to be like, do I feel safe with this person? So when we're doing our tracker that you lay out in the book when they download your tracker you're like, how did I feel? What did I feel like What did I feel like?
Starting point is 00:35:05 Did I feel like this is someone I could trust, I could talk to, I could share things with, could meet my parents, you know, all the, could they hang out with my friends? There's so many boxes to check, but I love that you're helping people with such a clear strategy in after Fairy Tale, D'Amona, keep Sweeping Right, because after a very quick break
Starting point is 00:35:21 for our sponsors who help support the show, D'Amona and I will be back to answer your dating questions. All right, everyone, we'll be right back. I thought we could get into some questions now, because we got a lot of questions from you. We save them all for you, all of our dating questions. So I'm glad you're here, Dabona. So first, we're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you.
Starting point is 00:35:31 We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you.
Starting point is 00:35:39 We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to be back to you. We're going to of questions from you. We save them all for you, all of our dating questions. So I'm glad you're here, DiBona. So first, we have Kyle.
Starting point is 00:35:52 How do you know if you come off too strong or eager? Look, I am so glad that Kyle asked this question because this is just what I was talking about, that I want men to be thinking about how do I make this safer. So first of all, you better read somebody language. If you are touching her, let's actually back up. We'll start even in the texts. I do not think it is in your best interest to come out the gate with sexual texts or DMs on a dating app. First of all, that is a huge turn off. I don't know who told somebody got the wrong idea and they're like, yes, she wants to see a dick pick. No, she does not. You're a stranger. You're a perv and
Starting point is 00:36:35 you're going to get blocked and you better stop it. Okay. So not you Kyle. But like the other guys. Exactly. Right. So first of all, that is how you know you're coming on too strong. If you're getting your ass blocked. Second of all, when you are actually with her, pay attention to the body language. So, and I know you're an expert in this too, Emily, like, if she's closed off, if she's covering parts of her body, if she's crossing her legs in a way that doesn't look comfortable. If she pulls away, when you touch her, you're definitely coming on too strong. And then the other thing that I love on dates is to encourage people to sort of open the space
Starting point is 00:37:16 a little bit, ask questions and then let the person find their words, find what they wanna say and their reaction. Because a lot of times you can tell more from listening than you can tell from pushing talking, trying to get a particular outcome. Yes. That's a great practice of just listening. Gosh, there's so many ways to take this because too strong or eager over text.
Starting point is 00:37:44 I mean, what about the, I guess, if you're double triple texting, right? If you're like, are we going to go out again? Are we going to go out again? That might be a little bit eager. And then when you're on the early date and you keep planning, you're like, oh, I can't wait for you. My family. So that could be eager.
Starting point is 00:37:58 And that kind of goes into love bombing, saying, right, which is who we're training on tick-tock and everywhere. So yeah, that's what I think. I think that you know, and also if you're wondering if you're too eager, maybe you are a little bit eager. I don't know. I think that we don't want to give people rules, but then if you feel like you're triple texting, you're not getting response back from someone and you are planning for the future, you're saying things to get the person to like you, right, to feel safe with you. We are using words and you're laying down things because you think that's making them feel safe.
Starting point is 00:38:29 I don't know if you're that self-aware. That might be two-weeker. 100% agree, but you know what's really sexy. I don't know. Tell me. Being direct. That's actually, I feel like a bigger problem, especially when I'm talking to like,
Starting point is 00:38:41 Gen Z and young millennials. They are so afraid to even just let someone know sometimes that they're interested, because I don't know if they're afraid they're gonna get canceled or me too, or they just feel like they're gonna be creepy. Now sometimes I see that guys are not even going up to the line because they're afraid that they're gonna come on too strong. So there's a difference between being direct
Starting point is 00:39:11 about your intentions and what you want than saying things to be liked or to get attention. And I like that, just say, I really keep thinking about, making out with you, like, would you be down with that or I would love to go out with you then, would you be interested? Just being direct and being clear. How do we know if somebody likes us, like someone's into me, like I get that extra question, like, how can I tell,
Starting point is 00:39:34 they like touch your arm, their open posture, not a closed posture, you know, closed arms, and they're turning towards you, not away from you. I love violence. I remember I debuted this concept on Sex with Emily. And 20 time. 20, 20, 18. 20, 20, baby.
Starting point is 00:39:51 And I've refined it since then. But it's in the book. I say set it up. Smile, eye contact, touch. Smile, eye contact, touch. Those are like the magic three, right? Set. I love it. Smile, eye contact, go on like the magic three right set. I love it smile I contact you go on a date you're into them smile eye contact to be aware of that since we didn't even notice that we're
Starting point is 00:40:13 Holding back or we're not making eye contact or yeah, or we're like yeah in wrestling whatever face resting at and yeah That's a great no the body language is really important But when we layer that also with intonation, with tone of voice, like the both kind of how you land your words and like, are you talking loud? They are talking quietly, softly, leaning it. All of that impacts away someone perceives you. And then here's another hot off the press stat that I can share
Starting point is 00:40:47 that's not in the book, but also fantastic that when you ask follow-up questions, you are more intriguing on a date. So I know you were talking about body language, but okay, tell me everything. In the conversation, asking follow-up questions, studies have shown can lead to a second date or getting the number, you're perceived as more likeable. Okay, so this goes back to the listing, so follow-up questions like, if they're, don't turn it back to yourself, when they say, you know, I want to go to the Nantucket, you could say, tell me more about Nantucket. What is about Nantucket that you like? What do you love about Nantucket? Yeah, yeah. Yeah about Nantucket. What is about Nantucket that you like? I love about Nantucket.
Starting point is 00:41:25 Yeah, yeah. Follow up questions. Completely. Brother and saying, just listen, I like that. No. If people like, I don't know what you mean by listen, I listen. Because for everyone who says they want people to ask a lot of questions on the date,
Starting point is 00:41:35 you probably hear this every day from someone who's like, I went out with them, but they didn't ask any questions. Right? So maybe adding some more texture to that, to maybe because you don't even know that you're the person that's asking questions follow up like if someone has something. I hear that a lot. Particularly from women, they'll say I heard it even from Drew Barrymore on her show a couple years ago. I was doing a little segment with her and Alicia Silverstone who is just like, I don't know if they can't if if they're single, I don't know what hope anyone.
Starting point is 00:42:05 They're both, but, but, incredible. But, you know, they're, they're discerning. They're very discerning, but they were saying like they've been on dates for people. Don't ask them any questions. And I'm like, what? That's crazy. And so the, when I get that question, that's another like most asked question, FAQ on on dates and mates.
Starting point is 00:42:29 I, I say to women, say to them, is there anything you'd like to know about me? Yes. Just straight up. And sometimes that can be like the bell going off of, oh my god, I've been talking about myself. And it's okay for all the fellas listening. It's okay if you have gotten that signal, like just start from where you're at.
Starting point is 00:42:51 I think also sometimes things happen on dates and we think, oh no, it's ruined. It's over. No, you, you, as long as the door is still open, you have a chance to start fresh, but it's on you to reset it if you get some kind of feedback like that. I love that, because if you're sitting at it,
Starting point is 00:43:09 that happened to me too when I was dating us. Like, how does this still happen that people don't know to ask questions? They might not know. I don't think they drove a cross-town. They drove a cross-town. They made a date with you. They made a plan
Starting point is 00:43:20 because they wanted to be the worst date ever and not ask questions. There might be reasons for that. So to say to them, anything you want to know about me is a beautiful way to say it. Brilliant. Dimona. Okay, I want to get into some more questions here, because there is a lot. So this is from Kevin31 in the UK.
Starting point is 00:43:40 And he says, Dr. Emily, I moved cities for a new job since living at home during the pandemic and I've been doing my best to enjoy my newfound freedom. I've used apps religiously before and it's never been great, but now I'm using them and it's been horrible. People are either flaky, the matches are poor quality, or I just can't compete with the overwhelming numbers of men and the matches women must get. It would be lovely to meet someone I can be serious with, but I'm happy to have casual fun in the meantime. However, I don't want kids and I don't believe in marriage, which makes it even harder to meet a long-term partner.
Starting point is 00:44:16 How do I find a good casual or serious partner that's into all the funky stuff I want to explore? How should I go about meeting people in New City in a country that typically doesn't have conversations with strangers? Am I just getting older? It's a lot to impact, but I value advice and don't need into the bro science.
Starting point is 00:44:34 And it's actually pragmatic and realistic. Love the show, love the advice, all the best. So let's have Kevin, he's 31. I love what he's like. Am I just too old? I love this whole thing. But I think it's interesting that he touches on, don't you think, Desmond, a lot of the things
Starting point is 00:44:48 are people like to hate the apps, I think they're the worst thing ever. He's making assumptions that women are all matching with other men and he's being left out. And then things that like this notion that he doesn't want kids or marriage is gonna just, he's already never gonna find someone. So, what would you tell him here about,
Starting point is 00:45:04 how does he make the apps, you know, better? What can he do here? Yeah, that's aligned with his values. All the things. What you demonstrated is, yeah, it's exactly the storytelling issue, right? He's told himself that story of, well, nobody's going to want this. I'm too, I can't, 31. I do, I know. Kevin, come on Kevin. It's not wrong that the dating apps are having a little bit of a recalibration right now. That's kind of what I was talking about earlier. There is a lot of ghosting and there is a lot of flakery. It's not because the women have so many options
Starting point is 00:45:41 that you can't compete. Real talk, it's actually because at most, most, I'm gonna say men, but people more broadly do not have great dating profiles. I started out as a dating profile. Right. Most people are really terrible at writing about themselves. They don't know what picks to take.
Starting point is 00:45:59 And I know so many women that are saying the same thing, like, well, where are all the guys? And it's not because the guys aren't there. There are more men on dating apps than women, true. Not that much more though, actually. It's like 55, 45, depending on the app. But the profiles ain't working. And that's because, again, in society,
Starting point is 00:46:21 like women were groomed to put ourselves together, present yourself in a certain way. The way you look is really important to attraction. If you want to get a man, you better know how to present yourself. It's all marketing. They don't know how to market themselves. Kevin, has anybody told you that? You need to market yourself or you need to be a static or you need to put yourself probably
Starting point is 00:46:43 not. Probably not. Right. So, what do we do? That would be first up. Okay. Well, in F the fairy tale, you do get it's great tips. I always love those tips. Like, how to write your about me section.
Starting point is 00:46:56 You have specific tips. Is there one tip that we could give him? He's got to read the book. But let's like, what's the one thing that we're doing wrong in our about me's and what can we do differently? Well, I almost don't want to talk about the about me because that's a little more complicated. Okay. Um, what are we doing wrong? It's so important to have the photos.
Starting point is 00:47:15 Photos, okay. Photos are like, let's go there. They're speaking a thousand words. So, I talk about the three sees in the book, color, context, character. Color is strategic, so you can stand out. So even if she has all these other guys online, you wear a nice, even wear like a salmon pink shirt,
Starting point is 00:47:34 or you take a picture in front of the pink selfie wall at Paul Smith in Hollywood, or you have like a beautiful, like you have blue eyes and you have a beautiful blue shirt that matches that and brings out your eyes. It's some kind of color that draws my eye to you. I'm going to stop and pay attention. Contact, well not me because I'm married, but you know, whoever Kevin's going for, Kevin 31.
Starting point is 00:47:58 Then there's contacts that's telling your story through your photos. What do you like to do? Where do you go? Do you have picks of you at Nantucket? Like, let's see them. And then there is character. That's the one that most people miss. Ooh, okay.
Starting point is 00:48:11 I'm gonna put up this sunglasses shot so I can look sizzling and sexy and mysterious. Nah, we're going for safety. We want to see your eyes. You need to see the eyes. So have something where you're in that goofy Halloween costume and you have a sense of humor about yourself or just something that shows like you like doing nerdy things. Maybe you're into Comic-Con. There's girls that are into Comic-Con. I don't know. It's not my thing, but maybe it's yours.
Starting point is 00:48:39 And that's the thing. You want to design the profile for the person that is the right match. And, you know, be upfront. This is where the shame around what we want and the dissonance that comes up when we think that what we want is not in alignment with what society wants. So we don't say it. We don't speak it. And then we get ourselves into a situation
Starting point is 00:48:59 that becomes so much more. I love this. Don't really are. Yeah, no, that's great. So you really are. I mean, not that we're not going to be right. We try to be like the right, you know, and then they put the glasses on the sunglasses.
Starting point is 00:49:10 That's the word. We want to see your eyes. Do not have sunglasses photos. So helpful, D'Amoa. I love your book after fairy tale. I'm going to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests. They're quickie.
Starting point is 00:49:21 So you don't tell overthinkers. First of the compass to mine. Ready? Biggest turn on intelligence. Big we can all tell over things. First of the compass to mine. Ready? Biggest turn on. Intelligence. Biggest turn off. Chores. Chores?
Starting point is 00:49:29 Chores? Yours. I mean, that's a real thing. That's a real thing. They're clean sink. I'm with you. What makes good sex? Communication.
Starting point is 00:49:38 Yes. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Stay open. You never know. What's the never one thing you wish everyone self about sex and relationships. Stay open. You never know. What's the never one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That you can improve any sexual relationship
Starting point is 00:49:55 with the right communication and the right tools and listening to sex with Emily, of course. Because a lot of times I'll hear from people, oh, we didn't have sexual compatibility, so it's dead. And sometimes I think we walk away from situations that could actually have become a lot sexier. I'm with you. We can work on that. Those are great. Thank you, Demona Hoffman. Where can everyone find you? Thank you, Emily. You can find me on Instagram, at Demona Hoffman and, and X or wherever,
Starting point is 00:50:25 for the kids are today. And you can find F, the fairy tale, wherever books are sold, but also find out more at F, the fairy tale Oh, and dates and mates. I've been doing dates and mates every Tuesday for 11 years, not as long as you, but almost. Almost as long as me. Congratulations, and your book is out
Starting point is 00:50:46 this week so they can get it now. Yeah. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. It's a great book. Congratulations on your hard work. You are the dating coach extorted there. So people have got questions they can hit you up, send you questions, read your book. It's your read your book first and then come to you because you cover a lot of great ground. Thank you, Domo, and your fabulous. I really appreciate you having me back. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.
Starting point is 00:51:30 Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationship, call my hotline 559 talk sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at you

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.