Sex With Emily - Fantasies, Porn, and Sex With the Ex

Episode Date: March 24, 2017

Today’s show is all about YOU.. Because seriously, you’re awesome. Are you ready to start exploring your fantasies? Wondering how to help your partner warm up to porn? And is it actually possible to have no-strings-attached sex with an ex? Emily helps callers get to the bottom of their love and sex dilemmas, and also shares “new” findings that could help crack the code on the female orgasm. Here’s a hint: Just go down on her already! There’s more to a fulfilling sex life than just pleasing your partner. You have to make sure your needs are being met, too. Whether that means taking a break from being the perfect lover to discover what turns you on, taking space to truly get over your ex, or taking time to focus on your mental health, sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. Learn all about it in this week’s podcast… Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep this podcast FREE: Pour Moi, Vibratex and System JO Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Have I mentioned lately how much I love taking your calls? But I do! And in today's show, I'm so excited to do just that. Are you ready to start focusing on your own pleasure for a change? Wondering how to conquer your intimacy issues in the bedroom? Is it possible to have no strings of text sex with an ex? Plus how to get your partner on board with porn,

and the real reason women still aren't having orgasms? All that and more, thanks for listening. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hey, Avaline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Oli? What do you mean, like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Avaline's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

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So, hi everyone. Thank you for listening to the show. I am excited to be here with you. I need to talk to you about something that's been in my mind. So every single day, every day, for years now, 12 years, I get emails from guys who wanna know how to make their female partners have an orgasm. Like seriously every single day,

and it's not even just emails, it's like out in the world. Like why won't you orgasm or how can you orgasm. Like, seriously, every single day, and it's not even just emails that's out in the world. Like, why won't you orgasm, or how can you orgasm, or how can I help her, or why won't she have sex with me, or how can I make the sex better, or how can I, like, I don't even understand the vagina, like, it's the Rubik's Keep of Life, you know? And I'm like, okay, well, are you doing things to please her? Like, my answer, like, always includes,

as you've been paying attention, is like, go down on her. Like, have you gone down on her? Have you tried to perform oral stacks on her? Um, that was even like my Wi-Fi password for all. It was like go down on her. Give her oral. Seriously, it was. So recently I came across this article and I literally freaked out. Because I'm like, hello, hello, this is what I've been saying.

This has been down here to study you guys. So maybe you're all gonna really listen. This article puts into words we can all understand. And here it is. This gonna really listen. This article puts into words, we can all understand. And here it is. This is the headline. This is not my words, this is the headline. Straight women are having fewer orgasms because of their useless partners.

I know that sounds really harsh and I would never use those words, but I just wanted to get your attention, okay? I hope I got your attention now, because here's the study. Here's what it said. Ready? A new study published last week in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Lesbians confirmed the so-called elusive female orgasm is really not that hard to find. So a team of researchers from Chapman University and the Kinsey Institute, you know, Kinsey, they know what they're actually doing over there. They took their investigation into orgasm frequency, a step further. They're always studying about, you know, orgasms and stuff, but they took this study a step further. They're always studying about orgasms and stuff, but they took this study step further. This has never been studied before. They wanted to see how often gay men,

lesbians, bisexuals, in addition to straight men and women report a climaxing. And this is only the second study in orgasm frequency to recruit a large sample of gay and lesbians and bisexuals, but the first that focuses on singles, where the rest focus on people and relationships. So this is an orgasm study that includes basically everybody.

And what they wanted to understand is what behaviors and practices were potentially linked to orgasm frequency. So what can we do? What has to happen? Where do the stars have to align? The sexual stars have to align. And on the planet for women to have a goddamn orgasm, okay? They talk to 52,000 people.

And they wanted to understand the profiles and the attitudes of people who orgasm frequently and people who did not. And they did found this orgasm gap, which again, I've always talked about men have more orgasms than women. That was not the part that was so interesting to me, because we know that, but maybe you didn't know that. Yeah, men, they typically, like, it's a sure thing. But here's where it gets really interesting.

88% of lesbians said they usually are always came when they were intimate compared to 65% of straight women. So we're all having orgasms, right? But yet, women straight women are like, I can't have an orgasm with a partner, or I don't have orgasms. And so this study went further, they want to say, what are the acts? Like, what are the acts that linked to people having orgasms and guess what they found?

Guess what they found? They found that while vaginal intercourse wasn't necessary to climax, 80% of heterosexual women who had general stimulation, deep kissing and who received oral sex said they usually always orgasm. So you guys, here's the answer. Are you ready? This is like the golden trio. This is the golden trio. This is what they call it the trio. You need general stimulation.

Women need general stimulation somehow. So you stimulate it like, you know, pie with your fingers or your penis like that could help. Deep kissing. So that talks to like foreplay and like, you know, we want to be turned on about rousal and oral sex But the number one one thing the number one thing they said was oral sex overall was the most important That was a difference between lesbians and straight women if you really are still confused by like I'm not sure what to say You can you can email me if you want to talk more about how to give women orgasms I will always talk about it because I understand like it can be confusing But if you're not into oral sex

and you just are confused by it, I've done a lot of shows on it. I've got a lot of information on my site. But go down on her, really. Just do it, go down on her and make out. Because this is going to lead to more frequency of orgasms. I know you all want to know. This study answered it.

And yeah, I don't know what to say about that except for the fact that we like oral sex. So do it. Okay, I'm going to give a shout out to our sponsors right now Thank you for supporting them and we come back. We are on to your calls. Thanks for listening Okay, now we're on to your calls Jess 31 from Pennsylvania and she's caught between being a great lover for her partners and being more selfish in bed. Hi Jess, welcome to the show. Hey, how are you? It's unbelievable to talk to you on the phone. I'm so happy to talk to you. Thank you so much for calling in and cheering your

stories. Tell me what's going on. Yeah, so earlier this year I was dating a guy who was really great in bed and we'll kick off my reason for reaching out was in the first time we hooked up he asked me you know what my fantasy was and I thought that was a really great thing for him to do and that was kind of hot in the moment so you know we went with it and then you know when we kept hooking up and you know as that would go on he would kind of continue to ask me what my fantasy was so I just kind of felt like, I don't know, maybe what I said wasn't good enough. Was it not exciting enough?

So it started kind of turning it inward. Yeah, so I started thinking a little bit about am I kind of boring? And that started like panning out to what the focus has always been in my relationships. It's trying to be exciting and trying to bring so much to the table, but not so much about being selfish and trying to think about what I enjoy in my pleasure and thinking about that other person as much. Wow. Okay, well that's really insightful. First of all, Jess, I think that's great that you realize that.

What a revelation. 31 years old to realize you've been more probably about their pleasure, like a lot of women. We are all socialized that way. That it's about the men's pleasure and it's not about our partner's pleasure, not about our own pleasure. So you're just like every other person I know, a lot of them. So you're right where you need to be. And so I think that he was probably just ahead, you know, I like that he asked you what your

fantasy was and he probably just wanted to keep going with it. I doubt that he any judgment around your fantasy. So I'm curious like what your fantasy was. I got to ask. Oh, it's pretty much that dominance. I want to be dominated. I want to have him take control. There was always something about doing it outside the bedroom.

Nice. Just adventurous. Yeah. That was pretty. Yeah, that's awesome. That's a really, like, a lot of women have that fantasy and they don't never ask for it, right? So good for you.

I doubt he thought that was boring at all. I think he probably just was like, I want to keep doing different things. And so is your question kind of like, how do you maybe develop more fantasies? So you have more of a richer spectrum to choose from? Like a fantasy, like are you kind of like, I don't know where to go from there?

Cause there's a lot of women who don't naturally fantasize they got to kind of work on it okay so what's the so what would you say is the main thing then like i doubt you're boring about all that so that's not that he's just your i'm not gonna go there because i don't think any that's true and it's you know i'm saying but how can i specifically help you yeah i guess what are some ways that i can be to get more comfortable

kind of speaking up and asking for uh getting comfortable with asking for focus on me and focus on my pleasure and not be so in my head about being a perfectionist, you're really going above and beyond for my partner. Okay, that is a great question. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you asked that because it's true that like, first of all, what you can do is spend some time like how you become a better lover

is when you really also, you know there's a different part, of course it's being attentive to your partner's needs but really it's about knowing what really turned you on. And for most women, I say majority of women, it doesn't just come that naturally. We're not sitting around thinking about sex all the time like men are like, I can tell you my fantasy was

that woman at the bank, just like she was my fan, like they think about it all the time. men are like I can tell my fantasy was that woman at the bank would just like she was my fan like they think about all the time and so I've actually been doing this work in the last year too because I realize I have some fantasies but you know I want to work on it because it really will help you like do masturbate oh yes okay because that that good and have you played with how often I mean it's not that often it's really maybe a couple times a month month. I could definitely explore that a little bit more. I would say, I would try to bump that up because the truth is, it's like masturbation gets masturbation.

The more you masturbate, the more sex you're going to want to have, the more you're going to want to masturbate. When you masturbate, you can start exploring with watching porn or maybe read a rhodica or maybe there's, if you really are into like some more of like the the discipline maybe bonded stuff You know read some erotic around that and then that'll start giving you ideas and you'll be like oh god That would be really how to for used handcuffs. I mean next time I'm gonna bring handcuffs And so it's like you're just to make this up out of nowhere like how are you supposed to know? So it's just I would just start exploring all the amazing stuff that's out there and find out if it's a visual like

There's so good you could listen to erotic or you could read it and then when you're masturbating like explore different techniques different toys like I was talking earlier in the show about how I was doing my keg exercises like for an entire year and how I now have like killer two spot orgasms like I used to have clitoral ones because knock them out now my two spot orgasms like all the because those muscles are stronger so for me it's like when I'm having sex it's better like I so and it got me to masturbate more and the more I masturbate I'm like thinking about sex. You know what I mean? So it's like different tools and I think once you have that arcel and you're like, okay

I got this I know exactly you never know it's gonna be changing too that when you're with a partner You'll know what to say because you're so in touch with your body and you know what you want and you'll have more of an Arcel and choose from yeah, I mean I like that. I think that's something that I can Set out and try to do. It's kind of, get me started because you don't always know where to go from there. You know, you aren't satisfied, but you're not entirely sure about how to go about kind of getting better. Exactly.

And you might be like, right, exactly. And how would you know? Like, you know what I mean? It's a process. Like, that's what I say. We should always be working on our sex lives and prioritizing it and evolving over time because it's a static sex life just dies, you know, like the same thing over and over again. So like this is just really good work. You could be doing. And a book that I love is Making Love Real, Bice to Less than Danielle. I think you can

get an Amazon. You can't get Amazon because I've bought it for everyone I know. And there's a really great section on there about how to develop fantasies. And your erotic blueprint and what your erotic theme is, gives you some great materials for like, and it shows you like a lot of them don't know and kind of walks you through it. And I think it could be great material for you to get started.

That would be amazing. I think that's a great idea. Okay, good. Good. Let's start off the year right. Let's do it. Okay, Jess, let me know what happens. And again, as far as asking guys,

what you want though, and you said how do you go about doing it? I think the guys most of the guys in the plan are so freaking relieved when a woman's like, I know what I want, you know? So I think you're just going to say it and then every time you'll just get more comfortable. It's practice. Uh, you're so right. Yeah. I'm so glad that you were able to talk me through it. Yeah. That's why I listened to this podcast. You can use so many ideas. Oh, Jess, I'm so glad. Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it.

It's really good to talk to you and hear your voice. So I'm glad it's helpful. Let me know how it goes. I want to hear, like I really truly need to know where you are and think about it. I appreciate it. Thanks. Okay, bye-bye.

Ah, fantasy. I'm telling you guys, that was another one of my things last year through all my stomatica work with Celeste Daniel. I realized like, yeah, I've got my basic fantasies, but it's something that really for a lot of women it just doesn't, you're not naturally like gonna have all this stuff to choose from so I think it is important work and again masturbation, self-love, sex with someone you love, let's all kick that up this year, great call. We've got Jay in the line, he's 22, he's calling from somewhere in the United States.

Jay's struggling with a fear of physical intimacy and he's looking for guidance and how to overcome it. Right Jay? Yes, that is correct. Tell me what's up. Thank you for calling. Let's see, long story short, when I was 18, I spent three grand on an escort service because I still have low self esteem

and believed that I wasn't good enough to have sex without paying for it. Okay. And that is the short version. That's okay. That's a good version. I do know any hunch where that low self esteem came from? Parents, parents, and what was that? I said, like, I'm just, yeah, actually, you know what? Just you tell me, where do you think it comes from? I was gonna say probably having to do with

being born with disabilities and being told I wasn't good enough my entire life would be my guess. Yeah, that sounds traumatic. That's what this I'm used to it. Right, no, now you're good, but like these things that happened to us at an early age, being born with the disability, I mean, that's really something that a lot of people

don't realize that you actually do, it is trauma. Especially if it's not handled, like I don't know how your parents like talk to about it, or but like, and then you, it's such a through for a lifetime. And it can really like wreak havoc on a lot of things to you. So that would make sense. Like maybe kids teased you or you didn't have the support.'t have the support, and you thought you weren't good enough. Can I ask what the

disability is? There's several threats by polar ADHC, three-wheel-pulled-D and OCD, are my diagnoses. Okay, that's a handful there. Okay, and so how are you feeling now, though? Do you feel like you've got stuff under control, you've doctor, you know, where are you at in your life right now? Are you in school? Yeah, I feel like I have my disabilities under control. I'm taking medication and that's helping it's just, you know, the self-esteem thing. There's more of a problem than the disabilities are themselves. Right, exactly. That's kind of what has occurred because of the disability. I'm glad to hear that you feel like you got that, you know, everything under control. But these, the self-esteem issues are not a quick, a quick fix. I have to say that, um, have you ever had therapy?

I have. It hasn't really worked for me because, because surprisingly, I am not good at talking about myself and opening up. I don't really do well opening up. I've had several different therapists and none of them have worked for me. Okay. You know what I would recommend for you? Because I would say this is a trauma.

So I've just talked to other people, and dealt with other people who have disabilities, all of all different kinds. And I feel like what you don't realize at a young age, I mean, I'm assuming you got teased, and you internalize this message that you weren't good enough, and that you, you know, and so I think that I would recommend, have you ever heard of EMDR therapy?

You know, what is that? It's called I Movement De-Sitization, and reprocessing. And it's a psychotherapy treatment that helps alleviate people from stress or trauma. And what they do is you really don't even have to talk. And I was actually just reading about this about how it really helps people with disabilities and with trauma. And you go in and you hold like in either hand, you hold, it's going to sound really like, woo, newy. I hear this from people like you could read about it online like I from people I respect very well it's really

been helpful and you like hold these like it basically reprograms your mind from these messages that it'll take you back to like the traumatic spot like maybe something happened or someone said something to you at certain time and it'll help you rewire your brain. I just think that that would be a great therapy for you because if you can pinpoint that's exactly what it and it'll help you rewire your brain. I just think that that would be a great therapy for you because if you can pinpoint That's exactly what it is that could help you just kind of stop the thought process and you kind of rewire the way you're processing information Interesting. Yeah, and so it's like they can do it with your eyes where your like your eyes are going back and forth and like you're looking at a light Are you hold these different tools in your hand like that?

They each one beeps like in your hand and Like they each one beeps in your hand, and you'll move your hand, and it has this process of re-riding. That's like a technical thing I would tell you to do, like if therapy didn't work for you in that way, because I just think therapy is super, super helpful. And so it's called EMDR, and you could probably find someone

with your insurance who does that. But going back to the self-esteem thing, it's like, I can tell you all the things you know we talk about in the show, like believe that you are not your thoughts and surround yourself with people who love you and every time you accomplish something that's really good, you know, you tell yourself these positive messages and act as if and there's like a lot of different things, but I feel like this is really deeply ingrained with who you are. And especially around sex feeling like you had to pay for it, it's a young age and that no one else would love you. I feel like there's some complicated things in here. But

you sound super confident, awesome to me. But I feel like this is holding you back. Obviously. You know that it is. So it is. Yeah, but back to the EMD thing or EMR. EMDR. EMDR. EMDR? Oh EM, um, D is in dog, R as in Ralph. Okay, so for the EMDR, I also have a lazy eye. So with that, oh, F.C. Effect is in any way either. No, that would not affect it in any way at all. Okay. Yeah, I promise.

I mean, talk to therapists about it, but it just keeps coming up. I keep reading all these things. I'm here with trauma and physical disabilities. I actually just talked to therapists about it, but it just keeps coming up. I keep reading all these things on people with trauma and physical disabilities I actually just talked to a friend recently about it who grew up with something and she said that it has helped her because then you like it Actually takes you back to like a moment like you could do some inner child work and it's kind of hard to like really explain You could actually read it right now online, but it's I just think it's a it's a very cute way of dealing with this that could be helpful Interesting. Thank you. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Okay, good luck. And you can also find a lot of great books on Amazon about EMDR and how to get started. You know, Google it, stuff like that. Yeah, okay. Good luck to you. Bye, Jay. Thanks.

Yeah, you guys, EMDR, I've done it. I've done the EMDR. I've done every kind of therapy in the planet. And it's very, very helpful. I have to say, like you go and you target like a specific traumatic event in your life. There's different ways of doing it. I'm wondering if I'm really even explaining to you.

I'm trying to read a sentence here for the missing thing online. It's like a successful treatment with EMDR therapy. Effective distress is relieved. Negative beliefs are reformulated and psychological arousal is reduced. So the client attends your emotionally disturbing material in brief sequential doses while focusing on external stimulus. So that could be like a light that you move your eyes back and forth or you could have in your hand like two little buzzers and every time it buzzes you squeeze it and I know this might sound kind of S.O.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T.R.C.T. We Brittany, 24 from New Jersey. Brittany's in a sticky situation with her live in ex-boyfriend and wants to know if it's possible to have no strings

attached sex with an ex. Hey Brittany. Hi. Hi, welcome to the sex with Emily Show. That sounds so much. Of course, I'm so glad you called in. It's awesome. I'm loving this.

I'm loving to get talked to my listeners. And now we can really get into this. So, okay, you're living with an ex boyfriend and You want to have no strings attached sex with him or another ex? No, well, it's more so like I just don't know where the boundaries are between like casual sex and like sex with feelings and be the one who's like kind of starting to bring feelings back into it And I'm like I don't know if this is normal or if this is him, like maybe he still does want to be with me or something like that.

I don't, he's like, he's being very convincing. Okay, so here's the thing, no strings attached sex. Also, you know, also known as friends with benefits. The only way these scenarios work and typically it's very short lived is when both people are on the same page that they're gonna see where other people were not gonna bring emotions into it and we're just gonna have a good time and we're gonna sex but typically where it

veers off is when one person develops feelings and the other person doesn't and that's when it ends because if you truly don't have feelings for many more and he's starting to display feelings again it's just not gonna work unless you have feelings for him. No I definitely still do have feelings for you. Oh, you do. Okay. So, when did you guys break up? We broke up.

What was very like back and forth for like a couple months, but I guess officially by like August? Okay, so you broke up in August and how long have you been together? Two and a half years. Okay, two and a half years, you broke up in August. So what, like six months ago? I'm bad with math. Yeah, six months ago. Okay, two in a few years you woke up in August. So what like six months ago? Bad with math. Yeah, six months ago.

Okay, so for six months you've been living together not having sex. Or has it been? It never really stopped. Yeah, it just at first he kind of wanted to cut it off and then he would continue initiating it and I never wanted to stop anyway, but why did he end? But then when he,

at first he said that he felt like he needed to work on himself and that he wanted to stay together and then it kind of slowly snowballed into him being like, no, I don't want to be with you right now. Okay. And why are you still living together? Does the two of you? Yeah, it's just the two of us, little like financial reasons. Our lease is enough until May, so.

Right, right. Okay. So, gosh, I mean, you say he's starting to display emotions. What does that mean? Exactly. He gets very intimate. You know, like, he's like cupping my face and tracing my lips with his fingers. And I mean, the other night, he even like, all of a sudden,

not a nowhere whisper that he loved me. And I was like, whoa, like a month ago, we were just like crazy like hook up sex and it wasn't like that and then that all of a sudden it's like taking a change where it's become like very intimate and I'm like, whoa, like do you still have feelings for me? Like he's very like back and forth about it. Well, I'm sure he does still have feelings for you obviously, but he's protecting himself because he ended it because he's got this idea to work on himself, right? So has he been working on himself? I think a lot of the root of his problems at the time were that he was unhappy with his job and everything.

And now he seems to be a lot happier with where he is, like, career-wise. Okay. Well, typically that can be a huge thing for men when men are not satisfied with career or their financial situation. They can shut down, not one of sex, like the, you know, because men are the providers, and it makes like biology, right?

So I get that, but I also am just concerned if you guys are still living together, and the sex is great, like I could see them being like, yeah, in the moment I'm feeling all this stuff, but then he could just again say to you in a few months, no, I don't want to do it. So I'm worried about your emotional state now,

what he could do, like how this could impact you. Um, I think you have to have a talk with them. You have to just be like, I mean, you guys been together two over two years. Like I don't think you say, you know what, the other night, that I'm feeling really connected to again. It feels great.

It's almost like, you know, we never broke up, but I can't but think like we, we were broken up and we're living together because of these financial restraints, which I actually don't believe in. I think you could find someone to take over your lease because that would be the healthy thing to do if you guys were in a bad situation and fighting, but it sounds like maybe you're going to bed together. I don't know.

Were you happy with everything in the relationship? Were you not ready to break up? Are there things that you've concerns about? Yeah, I was totally happy. I wanted to be with this person. I know I love him and I still love him. I want to be with this person. I know I love him and I still love him. And I want to see him happy. But there is a part of him that he's like two, three years older than me.

And he is kind of like a party boy. He will go out every night. We live in a short town where like summers are. That's why we can't find anybody to fill our leads because our town is dead in the winter. Right, okay. We'll go out every night with this. You want that freedom. Right. Which a lot of people do with their 20s, right?

They want that freedom. So right now he's having his cake and eating it too. Right, me. That's what's happening. So you're there, he really loves you, he really cares about you, but he's an independent guy and he's slept with you last few years and he's probably wants to figure out what he really wants and he's a little bit confused.

And there's nothing wrong with it. It has nothing to do with you either. It has to do with the fact that you guys have been together for two and a half years or whatever and you're 24 years old. I, you know, my hunch is that like, you're there. It's great, but like, if something else comes up or he might get these feelings again, you're going to be hurt. And so I would really protect yourself right now. And I don't know how audices are hard to articulate these with his emotions, but there's nothing wrong with saying it's feeling like things are getting intimate again and it feels really good to me, but I need to check in with you.

Like, where are we at? Like, tell me how you're feeling about us. And I think once you ask that, let him talk. See what he says. He might say, no, yeah, I've been thinking, I want to love you. I love you. Or he might say, you know what? Nothing's changed. It's the same. I just really like having sex with you. I'm assuming you haven't asked them. Yeah. Okay. And then you're going to them. Yeah. Okay. And then you're gonna have your answer Because I feel like the longer this goes on like the harder it's gonna be

I'm just not feeling like he's definitely changed going out every night He's one of those guys. I mean, do you want to be mean? How does that feel when he goes out every night with his buddies drinking? It was not great I mean like it was a big reason like why you know, we like would start fighting because I felt like he was choosing his friend over me. Right, so there were everything you learned. So he wasn't the perfect guy. That's a major thing, right? He's not prioritizing you or your relationship.

He's like, he comes home and he has sex with you because you're there. And he loves you in the way he connects with you. But I don't think that this is going to the bowed well for the long term. So either you have this talk with him, maybe I'm wrong, maybe he'll say, yes, I love you, but his behavior, we got to look at behavior also over words. His behavior is showing, I'm going out every night, my friends do my thing coming home, I have a session with you. And that wouldn't feel great. I think, if you can't, going out has cited a little bit like it in the past few months, which is nice because

it's winter. But yeah. Right? Everyone wants to stay home watching Netflix and chill. No, I know. You're in a summer of town, beach town. I get it. I'm just saying be careful, tread lightly. Like if you listen to what his answer is and you might have to pull back from it because I think you're going to get hurt because he's roping you back in again.

Not in purpose. I don't think that he's a bad guy. I think he can't help it. You know, you're great. You're there. He's like 70 seconds to do. But again, I would just watch you watch take care of yourself right here Because no one else is going to take care of your own emotions Sure. Yeah, yeah, and then if he says yeah, I don't still feel the same way wish you was she wish you was she will then you know And I think you have a decision to make can I have

Emotions attacks sex with him or can I not and if you can't then you have to stop, just cut it off. And quitting, quitting like a drug or something, quitting smoking, like quitting him. You gotta quit him. Which is really hard to do if you live together. So that's what I say. Let me know it goes, Brittany, but you gotta have that talk like ASAP

because he's so happy you're not talking about it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Right? So you gotta bring it up and take care of yourself. Take care of your heart, okay? All right. Okay, Brittany.

Good luck to you. You got this girl. All right, thank you so much. You're welcome. Have a great day. Thanks. Ah, God, friends with benefits. Very rarely.

It works like it's like a short term thing, you guys. There's always gonna be one person once more, other person once less. This is what happens, but I feel for Brittany. And okay, here's the other thing you guys, staying together with somebody for financial reasons is not the reason to stay with them. There's always a way to get out of a situation

that's not helpful for you. Or even moving in together if you do something for a week because we want to save on rent, not a good idea. Never a good idea. So it doesn't work with Brittany, she can find someone to take off at least. People put on Craigslist. It'll happen in five minutes.

All right, those were good calls. God, I love talking to you. Okay, now we're going to end with one email. Hello Emily, I've listened to your show on and off in the past, but I've recently been more consistent. I enjoy listening to you and your guests' ideas. I've been with my girlfriend a little over a year. She has an issue with me watching porn and getting off in my personal time.

I understand that you'd rather watch it with me, which I'm willing to try, however that's different than watching it on my own. We've talked about this in the past, but she's very much against me watching porn without her. What do you think can be done to better this situation? I've tried to steer away from the porn, but I do get that itch to watch it again. Thanks TJH33. Here's a thing TJ is that a lot of women, here's why, so here's why it's upsetting her.

She might feel like you're more attracted to the women that you're watching in porn than you are to her. You'd rather watch porn than have sex with her. And a lot of women compare themselves to the women in porn. And they really don't understand that watching porn for men is just a release. It's just kind of like this normal activity. I mean, it is normal for men to watch it. And I think a lot of women can be threatened by it.

And I have to say that when I was like 24, my boyfriend was watching porn, and I was one of these women. I was upset by it. And then one day we watched porn together, I'm like, okay, so he wants me to have blonde hair and really big boobs. That's fucing pictures of me that is not how I look.

Very opposite. This is how I felt. I was like, we're having amazing sex, and it was like literally the best sex of my life. And till this day, looking back, I learned a lot. That was a very pivotal relationship for me. And it was so confusing to me. I felt so connected to him and we were so intimate like, why does he want to watch porn? Like, I didn't, I was hurt by it. Just to give you like the female side of it and what she's feeling. But there's nothing wrong with you watching porn. It's completely normal. It's healthy. it's a great stress reliever for men.

Men get more roused by visual images than women. You know, there's parts of your brains that lights up when you're when you're actually watching porn. Again, you're not doing anything wrong. And for you to stop trying to watch porn, like, of course, you're getting that itch because she's telling you what to do and not to watch porn. And it sounds like you're using it in a very healthy way. And I think it's only like five percent of the population that's actually using it in unhealthy way, meaning like there's consequences. Like you can't leave your house

because you're watching so much porn. You can't even get an erection unless you're watching porn. It doesn't sound like you're that guy. I think that you really just have to, you know, it might be hard to do, but you got to explain to her that, you know, you're watching porn before you met her, that it's a release that you're still very attracted to her,

and that this has nothing to do with her. Now, she wants to watch porn with you. I don't know if she's ever watched porn on her own, and I think that you totally should watch porn with her. In fact, that would be really healthy for your relationship. Finding something that you're both into, some female-friendly porn would be great. I think that you should totally do that, but I don't think that you should give up your own porn watching habit Also, maybe if she hasn't watched porn that could be another thing Maybe she's never watched porn before and maybe she's confused by that So if you watch it together and you make it about the two of you So again, you're not just sitting there going like come on in

I'm already watching this but like you pick out something that you're both into and you know You're making out you're kissing and then you kind of look back and you're like god that might be hot try that So you maybe there's something that you guys learn from watching porn together. You can take it back into your own relationship. I think that's fine. I think porn is actually a great tool for many couples. A rousal for learning new things in bed. But as far as her trying to limit your porn watching,

I just, I'm not okay with that. This might be a learning curve for her and hopefully it's not a deal breaker. Okay, so you've been together over here. This makes sense. So you've been together over here. This makes sense. So you've been together over here and it's okay. I'm glad that she brought this up to you. I'm glad that she let you know that she's having a hard time with it.

That's super healthy. I think that you guys can have this conversation and let her know that it has nothing to do with you not wanting to be with her and that you really, you really love her and you want to be with her and you want to make this work. And it's actually this will probably bring you guys closer together. I think that a lot of times we shy away from having these conversations with our partners

or you're trying to appease her by saying, okay babe, I'm not gonna watch porn, anything to make you happy. Guess what, that doesn't work. That doesn't work in relationships, right? Again, and that's really an unhealthy habit, but it sounds like you're using it in a healthy way. This is something that a lot of men and a lot of women do, and it's completely like healthy. It's actually a really healthy release. Just like people get upset that they're partner masturbates.

Like I've heard a lot of men email too like why is she masturbating, but she won't have sex with me. Sex? I think it's really important for us all to masturbate. We're in a relationship, but we're not, you guys have heard me say this on the show so many times that don't stop masturbating just because you're in a relationship. In fact, your girlfriend should be masturbating. I hope she's masturbating. And maybe if you guys watch porn together, she'll feel like, oh, yeah, this is bad. I want to start watching my own kind of porn. So again, I think this can be really healthy for your relationship.

And this is kind of like one of these typical debates that couples get into. And I hear this all the time from both sides of Spectre of men and women. But I think this is going to be a great turning point for your relationship and you guys can handle this in a healthy, productive way and I bet you don't even answer intimacy in your relationship. So thank you for emailing and let me know how it goes. Okay, that was fun you guys. I can't tell you how much I love talking to you.

It is a blast. I love hearing your voices. I love getting down to business and helping you with everything. Please stay in touch. Email me, go to my website, send me your questions. I just want to thank everybody for listening to the show and being part of the Sex with the Emily family.

Thank you to my own team. Thank you to Madison and Jamie and Eddie and Ken and Michael here doing the sound. I love you all. Thank you all for listening and following me and social media and all that stuff. I love you. I love my listeners. Thanks for listening. It was a good for you. Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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