Sex With Emily - Fidelity, Fantasy & Phone Sex

Episode Date: February 14, 2018

On today’s show, Emily’s taking your calls and helping you get through all your sex and relationship quandaries. She gets to the bottom of when phone sex is actually considered cheating, how to practice brutal honesty in open relationships, the challenges around revealing your sex positivity when your peers might not be ready to accept it, and ways to heal so you can take your life back after an unhealthy relationship. Plus, she reveals what the top fantasies are for women, and why it’s time to let the cat out of the bag. Thank you for supporting out sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Womanizer, Sportsheets, Magic Wand, Fleshlight Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your sex and relationship calls, which I love, I love talking to you guys. Topics include, when is phone sex considered cheating? How to practice brutal honesty in an open relationship? The crucial steps you must take to work through trust issues with your partner, the challenges around revealing your sex positivity when your peers might not be ready to accept it, and ways to heal so you can take your life back after ending an unhealthy relationship.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Our sacred institutions, betrubized they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information, go to sexwithemely.com because it's a good time there. You'll love it. We post in blogs every day and all the shows and everything you need to know in life to have better sex and relationships. Also, subscribe and iTunes and you guys review this show. I love it, I read all of your reviews and I know you're listening to podcasts

probably on your phone now. So if you just like click on review while you're waiting in traffic, well not in traffic, while you're sitting in the office wherever you're at, that would be awesome. It really helps the show. And also check out my Valentine's Day video series.

It's on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. We have 14 days of video tips leading up to Valentine's Day video series. It's on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. We have 14 days of video tips leading up to Valentine's Day because listen guys. Whether you love or hate Valentine's Day, I just wanna make it a stress-free and sexy day for you. So we had a lot of fun doing these videos, so check it out at Sex with Emily. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram,

and let me know what you think of them. I'm gonna read your comments. Do you want more videos? Should we do more videos? If you want more Valentine's Day tips, we've got blogs on the website, we've got creative gifts, some DIY things you can do because I just want you to have a good time

because it's a day of love, not a day of stress and anxiety. And if you're single on Valentine's Day, awesome. Being single is not a death sentence. In fact, if you're single on Valentine's Day, just do something for you. It's a day of love, love yourself. Buy yourself something, hang out with your friends, have a pot of luck.

Just, I'm wishing happy Valentine's Day to everybody because I just want it to be fun and full of love. Like every other day of the year, that's what I want for you. Also, you guys just join me on social across the board at Sex with Emily, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter because I always publish when there's a new episode that's live and always sharing really cool articles

and tips and I just love hearing from you. So it's that sex with Emily and I will see you out there in the social world. Okay, today's show is awesome. I loved it, we've got some calls coming up. I love when you call in and I love talking to you, but first I have some sex in the news. Recently I was asked to comment on a study

about your secret sexual fantasies, which I was excited about because I feel like fantasies are really misunderstood. There's actually two kinds of sexual fantasies. There's the ones that you want to try and the ones that you don't. It's completely healthy to have a bevy of both. We just have to know which ones we want to try out and which ones we'd rather keep to ourselves, inner mind, and you don't have to share them with a partner. It's great to have interesting father when you're masturbating. And you don't have to share with a partner. It's great to have interesting father when you're masturbating.

And you don't have to share it. But if you do have fantasies, you know that you want to make a reality, here's my question for you. How many of you have actually tried to make these fantasies a reality? I'm thinking a lot of you are like, no, no, I want to. I've been one, never three, some, or I've been wanting to make my partner, but I haven't yet. There's no better sex than the present moment.

What are you waiting for? If you know you want to try this thing and you're with someone and you're having good sex right now? Just say to them, this would be hot. So here's a study. It was in men's health and it's called four to five women want you to do this in bed. Give her a Valentine's Day she won't forget. Thanks to this exclusive data from Sympatic US. Here are the top fancies for women. Talking dirty, number one.

So 81% of women said they wanted their partner to talk dirty more often during sex, which makes sense because the brain is our most powerful sex organ, okay? So that's what turns out. We love hearing words. We love when you whisper in our ear. So talking dirty is a big fantasy,

and I always talk about it. I've given a lot of tips about it. We've some stuff on our website. How to get started with dirty talk. So I think it's important to don't trip on it. Like you have to sound like a porn star. In fact, I want to tell you please don't, but try some dirty talk.

Number two was going to a strip club, okay? So you might be like, what? Yeah, here's this. 70% of women said they were interested in going to a strip club with their partner. I know, I was surprised too. I thought 70, that's high. So if you're that person who's like slinking around strip clubs, because you're like,

my partner would freak out. Guess what? It's 70%. So it's really hot because I actually think it's a safe way to explore at threesome without all the hassle. So you're going to this strip club, you know, there's kind of that taboo because you're watching with your partner or they watch you and you're getting teased by it like Oh stripper and it can be really hot. So as long as you talk about it beforehand, it's great for play because then go home and have awesome sex.

Okay, the third one, using a remote controlled sex toy, how about this 63% of women's that they fantasize about using remote controlled sex toys and 44% So they actually wanted their partners to operate remote controlled sex toys in public Which is hot you guys I've done that like the vibrating underwear my partner has the remote and you go to party and don't know that you're wearing it It's really hot and I'm so excited because we vibe actually just came out with one they can't I was so excited It's the jive by we vibe. It's an egg that you can wear inside of you and your partner control it using the we connect app So on their phone you could be out and he's vibing you with the jive. So the reason why this is hot though, is because it's a turn on.

You know, you could get caught, you're out in like an environment with people around, but your partner's like, you know, vibing you and you might maybe you'll have an orgasm, who knows? So that's a really fun thrill-seeking fantasy. I love that one. So the last one you guys, being blindfolded,

no surprise, 58% of women, so last one you guys being blindfolded. No surprise. 58% of women, so they fantasized about being blindfolded during sex. Because you know you take away one sense and Everything else becomes more amplified. She gets to lose control Will you take over and give a really hot massage? You go down in her. Maybe she wants to be a little bit dominant So just check me through partner see how she's feeling about our talk about ahead and see like, I've got this blindfold or what's your fantasies? Here's what you got to do with this information. If you're like, I'm not just going to walk home with a blindfold or, you know, remote control sex toy, you don't have to. You know what you do need to do is that when you get home tonight or next time you

see your partner say, I just heard this great study about sexual fantasies. And I want to check these numbers with you. Is this something that you thought of? Cause I think it'd be hot. So there you go. You blame it on me and make your sexual fantasies come true. Okay, now we're onto your calls. And if you have a question that you want me to answer

on the show, you can easily text it to me. That's Ask Emily, all one word to 7979. I love that you guys have been doing that lately. It's really easy. If you want to be called during the show, you just check that box that you'd like to be called. You can also submit it to the website, sexwithemily.com via the Ask Emily tab.

And please always include your gender, your age where you live and how you listen to the show, because it helps me help you. Thanks guys, can't wait to hear from you. Okay, we have Brittany. She's 32 from Utah, and she's having difficulty with fully opening up a relationship and issues around trust and honesty.

Hi, Brittany, welcome to the show. Hi, Emily. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited. I'm excited too. It's great talking to you. Tell me what's going on with you, sweetie. OK, so I, my questions are in regard

to an open relationship. So I, me and my boyfriend, have been dating for three years. We have talked about an open relationship from day one. We've kind of stepped into that water a little bit with three sons, but we are truly looking to open up fully to that next step of open relationships. But my issues are being able to be 100% open and honest. And how to start that type of conversation before maybe during and after when you start that open relationship.

I'm not sure how. That's a really great question. So you guys have already started though. You said, you've already started having three sums and things like that. But now you really, so the thing about open relationships are, is that people that I know in open relationships and what I always say, that you really do have to practice

like a rigorous honesty. And people like, oh God, I can never handle that. There's jealousy and trust. But the truth is you realize that once you actually address these feelings and you talk about them, it takes all the power away. I mean, you'll still experience it, but it won't be like have such a grip

and such a hold on you. And so some tips around this would be just really like having like honest communication with your partner about like, what are the rules? I always have couples like, what are the rules? What are the boundaries? You know, couples do it differently. I know couples who are open relationships

and they share a calendar together. And they're like, these are the days we're gonna be together. These are the days I'm seeing somebody else. You know, there's people who like, you can't spend a day with someone. You can only spend nights. You can't have sleepovers. You can't have penetration. Or, you know, so I feel like first you to figure out just from what you know now, and you can always adjust it down the line, but really have to talk with them and like write it down together. Like sit down and create a document that's like, what, what's acceptable and what's not?

I think that's a great place to start before you jump into it. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Oh, sorry. No, no, no, no. I was going to say, no, no, no, no, no all those things can of course happen and people get jealous in monogamous relationships all the time so it's not like we're free from jealousy but when you're in an open relationship

you just jump right into it but I feel like people who are in these relationships actually learn how to deal with it and cope with it together and so I think that you're going to forget that out so yeah what was your question though beyond? So my question on that one is where we have, I have had some trust issues with him. We've had infants where there has been a few boundaries that have got crossed. And we have talked about them and we have moved past them and it still comes back. That's still, he hit it before, he's going to hide it again. And how do you work through through the trial? Okay, so that's, I'm so glad you asked that question

because here's the thing when people lose trust in a relationship. We often think like, oh, we said I'm sorry and enough time has passed and it should just be gone. But there's specific ways to handle it. Like, you're allowed to keep bringing it up until you feel better. So I don't know, for some couples,

it helps that you know every single detail of the transgression. What happened, why he made that decision and what he's going to do in the future. So like I don't know if he's covered that if he was willing to talk it through because it's really hard to rebuild trust but it can happen. So it's okay that you're still feeling on shaky ground. You might not be ready to open it up yet. What happened exactly? Because if you're open, you know, you cheated on you when you weren't open or me he he so we were we weren't open and there was sex scene that had gone back between a

a woman and i happened to come across it sounds really bad i wasn't searching through the phone okay i have been so i'm behind that and i found it so i did ask him about it uh... it was about a year and a half ago. So I mean, it has happened and we have passed it, but it still kind of comes back.

And then there was another where he was texting another woman. It wasn't sexual. It wasn't that it was more emotional. And he had started to get that bond. And it took me enough to say, well, I feel that there's a line that's been crossed. And once I said that, we were able to communicate, but I feel that he's been 100% open about it,

and he has allowed me to ask as many questions. I guess my fear is to bring it back up. It makes it sound that I don't trust him because I do, it's just that feeling still there. It's like, okay, we're going to happen again. I believe you, but is it going to happen again? And it's a fear of mine. Right.

No, that makes total sense because he's put you in that situation twice. And so you're absolutely right to feel that way. And I think that there just has to be, I mean, at some point you're just going to have to take his word for it, that he is going to be honest. But are you guys on the same page about most other things? Like, is it just going to be open until it's not? Or is this the kind of, is this your lifestyle, you think? Or is he the one for you?

He is. We really have no need to look someone out. We've both been married. We've both been divorced. We have the life we're both growing together. And we see a future. We've talked about a future. Our future has been been slow and we like it because it is at our pace It's not anybody else's pace, right, and I like it because we've talked about this from day one

It this is not been something that's right for either one of us. Yeah, well It sounds like pretty healthy in the sense of that you guys are both in the same page about it Wasn't like he talked you into it or you talked him into it Yeah, but he has to really understand that and I think it's totally okay to bring it up because again Then you're not being honest and truthful that this is still triggering you and also a lot of couples go to therapy It would deal with with trust issues and sometimes you can't you can't go any further on your own and I believe So strongly that couples therapy is like so important for every couple, no matter what stage of the relationship because a lot of times we just get caught up in the same

kind of arguments and we can't or the same challenges and we just can't move past it and we need a third party. So if you're feeling that way, you can go a few sessions, it's not like you have to commit and go for years, but when you're just kind of navigating, maybe there could be a therapist that could also help you rebuild it. But again, I would just reinforce that to you that feels awful when you're texting with someone and there's no emotions, but you know, you feel like he's having emotional bond with somebody else. So if the answers don't make you feel better and you still feel like there needs to be more work, I would say therapy,

but I keep talking about it and don't jump into the open, really opening it up yet until you're feeling a little more secure. You know, the trust and the jealousy that's still going to come up, but I feel like you're just not there yet. And that's okay. Like please be kind to yourself and know that there has to be, there just has to be some more conversations around it. So I think that's completely normal and don't don't pressure yourself into doing something you're not ready for. Okay. Oh thank you so much. You're so welcome Brittany. I'm really glad you asked these questions because I think it's um it's's really helpful for you and for others. So you're doing great. So just keep talking and being open and vulnerable.

Okay, you're welcome. Thank you for calling, Brittany. So good to talk to you. So good to talk to you. You're good to talk to you. Bye for me. Bye, you too. Bye.

The other thing I was going to mention before she hung up and hopefully she'll listen to this is there's a great book called Opening Up by Tristan Tehramino, which I think it's one of the great books on open relationships. So I was going to recommend that. But you guys, it's tricky waters, but as you all know, book called Opening Up by Tristan Terramino, which I think is one of the great books on open relationships. So, I was going to recommend that. But you guys, it's tricky waters, but as you all know, we've gone through, you know, I

think a lot of us have experienced situations where we don't trust our partner, cheating, and it takes some time to rebuild, but the more honest and open you are, the better. And again, we experience in all different kinds of relationships, monogamy or being single, so I'm really glad she was honest and open. Thank you, Brittany. Okay, we have Mark, he's 37 from from Maryland and he wants to know is paid phone sex cheating. Hi Mark welcome to the show. Thanks for calling. Thanks Emily how are you? I'm great. I'd love to hear some background.

My wife and I have been in a relationship for 19 years. 13 of which we've been married. Lover a lot. However, over the years, there's sexual fires cold quite a bit. I think that I've suggested a number of things, some of which are some kinks. However, she isn't into any of it. Therefore, I've been tamed to explore some of these interests through phone sex with a phone sex operator. So, my question is, am I cheating? Should I stop? What should I do?

That's a great question Mark. I mean because it's funny that it's yeah I mean it is cheating because it's in the sense of you're not being honest and open with your partner. But I also understand that you know sometimes we just need to get off without our partner so my only concern here is that and again it's a case-by-case basis it sounds like you've really tried talking to her about it and there are some schools of thought that would say that like if this is what you need then you know it's okay that you can you can do this it's not impacting your relationship when you've said to her I want to try kink and I want to do all these things and she says no no no I'm not into it have you turned it back on her and said well what are you into

because she might not even know yeah I think that's part of problem. I think that I don't think she does now. And maybe that's something that I need to be more open with her to discover. That's where I would go. So where I would say this isn't cheating is if you've talked about it and she's like, listen babe, I'm not into that. And this is when you'd be in a healthy communicative relationship,

where she's like, I got it, I'm never gonna be into that. If you need to do that, I understand. And then you wouldn't have the guilt or the shame around it that you'd be cheating on her. But since you haven't done everything yet, you haven't really sunk it into, you haven't had a two-way conversation with her. You basically said, this is what I'm into, how do you feel? And for a lot of partners, they'll be like, what, you want to time you up?

I don't understand that. I've never done it. Or whatever it is that you've said. So I think if you really love your wife, what it sounds like you do, that it's time for you to turn this energy that you're putting out there into the kink and getting that need met with the phonetx operator back towards your relationship

and seeing how you can strengthen your sexual bond and compatibility. And in some ways, you know? So that's really, I mean, do you still guys still have sex? So you'd track it to each other? We do. And it's how we do.

We actually have any eight-month-year-old son, so it's been a little bit harder. We've been actually scheduling sex and scheduling date nights and really trying to make an effort with it because it's easy for it to fall with, by the way, aside, it's a one-hour relationship. Right, no, it's true. And so I think, again, you have an eight-month-old.

I mean, yeah, she's, you know, that's a lot. Like going on, her body's changing, you know, change hormones, all those things. But I think it would be great to just kind of find out, you know, do some things for her, like pampering her, what makes her feel good, and, you know, giving her space to figure out, you know, her own body, or get sexual again. And so, you know, if you've been listening to this show, there's a lot of different ways you guys can do that. But I think it's, it's really just come down to talking. Like, I understand that I'm, and who knows, you said been listening to this show, there's a lot of different ways you guys can do that. But I think it's really just come down to talking. Like I understand that I'm,

and who knows, you said these things to her about, King, she might feel like, oh, you know, that's what he wants, and I can't live up to it. She might have some things around that as well. See, the sex conversation isn't something that you have like once or twice. It's like, it's an ongoing part of your conversation.

Like how you talk about your baby or how you talk about your home when you talk about work. It's like this needs to be something that's ongoing and that it's less daunting. So if you say, I know I brought those things up, but I've been thinking more about us and like, what can I do to sexually please you? She might say, I don't know.

She might say, I have no idea I've never thought about it. So, you know, some things would be like reading a rhodica watching porn, listening to the podcast together, maybe not this episode. You know, like seeing a sex therapist, finding out what you could even say, babe, what's the most memorable night we've ever had sex to you?

What do you remember? You know, and she could start from there. And it might be the time that you gave her a massage first and she was really turned on and then you know, oh, she really likes touch. She needs to relax into sex. So I feel like there's some more questions and more conversations you can have

that could really open up and blossom your sex life in a way that you never thought possible. Okay, thank you. Thank you. Okay, bye Mark. Thank you, good luck to you. Thank you for the call. Of course, thank you. Bye. Okay, so cheating. What is cheating? And you get to decide. Remember, there's no one like no one gets to decide how you live your own relationship,

but you do, except for whoever is in the relationship. so you set your own rules, you set your own boundaries, and your own guidelines, but if you haven't started healthy communication in your relationship around sex, I'm not gonna support going outside the relationship until you feel like you've done everything and you have agreements around what you can do to please yourself outside of the bond of marriage. So thank you, Mark.

So now we're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Okay, we have Gio, he's 25 from Germany. And he wants to know about sharing his erotic paintings with the world and how to manage perceived consequences. Hi Gio, thank you so much for calling from Germany. This is a first, I think, exciting. Well, thank you. Yeah, so tell me about what's going on. Tell me some background here.

All right. So, for the last year, I've been painting a pretty great woman. And so I've become way more comfortable with my sexuality and around my sexuality and talking about sexuality in general, whether it's turning me or not. And I came up to a point where I was wondering what would be like the implications of being so upfront about it and being so sexual about it and sort of coming out as a person who likes it of coming out as a person who likes it and enjoys it and what would be the implications of also being depicted as a central man. Right. For instance, and yeah.

So these are some pain, you're talking about not just in your relationship, but you're saying you're an artist and releasing your paintings to the world. Like are you going to be judged or are you going to, like, is there going to be a people not going to accept you anymore? Is that what you're asking? The consequences? That's one of the things, yeah. I have started, like, some amateur painting and some of it, well, is pretty graphic, and

sort of, sex-divitive. And that's also one of the implications there, but generally it's more about being sexual and showing it. Oh, showing it, you mean even in your relationship, not just in your art? Well, because I think across the board, it is true that as a society, we're not as open and accepting around sex, but that said,

I think that times are changing, and we need more people who stand up for what they believe and to be a great model to the world, that sex is okay and beautiful and accepted in more all sexual beings. And so I think that, you know, if it's your passion and it's something that you're really identifying with, that you have to just stand by that because, you know, we do need more

people like you. You know, I remember when I read your email, I was like, you know, I had the same concerns 13 years ago when I started that I went from a career in politics to come out to the world and say, now I'm talking about sex. And yes, people will have their own thoughts and judgments. But truly, what I find is that the people that accept you for who you truly are and who you're becoming as a man,

those are the people that you want to be around. Those are the people that you need in your life. And while there'll be judgments, or there could be people who are not as open, I don't think those are the people that you want to be around. Those are the people that you need in your life. And while there'll be judgments, or there could be people who are not as open, I don't think those are the people that you're gonna wanna spend more time around, do you know? So I feel like as an artist, you probably know this,

you have to kind of do what feels right to you. So I also grew up in a field of time when it was like, be very careful about what's posed on Facebook, because a future of both might fit. And there was like be very careful about what's posed on Facebook, a future both might sit and they're like, I grew up in the time where there's a concern about the implications of a Facebook. You're right, you're absolutely right. Okay, so that's a really really good point. So my job is like, I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life. So I figured I'm going to take the consequences and the people who literally are offended by it.

But they're probably the people that are going to be most offended by it are going to be the people who probably need to do a lot of work around this area, right? Like my show is about educating people to get rid of the shame and the blame and the fear around sex. But now for you, I understand as a 25 year old man, it is true though, we can't, we also can't say, well, it doesn't matter what, you know, the world still exists the way it exists.

And so I do think that you have to be mindful about what you put, you know, online, where you attach your, on your profiles on Facebook, for example, that stuff doesn't go away. So if you decide you want to be a banker in two years, you Google your name and your paintings are going to come up. So I understand that that could still have consequences in that sense. It's someone might not hire you, but I don't know what your long-term plans are about it. But for you, is this the kind of thing that you're doing as a hobby or do you have other aspirations, career-wise? I mean, what's the big concern? Walk me through the worst thing that could happen. Okay, so again, the main point about my long-term concern

and that's the point I don't know how it's my problem long-term. So I just take like every situation as a probability. And I just wonder also like coming out as a sexual burn could impact my future, whether it is. So if I'm I want to have a future as a sort of sex artist, I guess it's fine, but if as you mentioned it, if I want to become a banker, that might be a bit controversial. So I'm also like in that very specific period of my life just right at the end of the city, we're not totally sure what I want and I don't have like a totally figured out life.

Right, right. No, of course, at your 25 years old, so know that that's exactly where you're supposed to be. Art has always been about radicism. Like, if you look back, you know, the art, again, I'm not living in Germany, I don't know what your family's like, but great works of art are typically very much around sex and the female body and the male body and sex. So I don't think this is anything new.

It's really you reconciling with yourself that you're standing by what you do, what you believe in in your art. And I don't think that that whole thing is about be careful at your Facebook. It still exists, but I feel like again, you know, that if it's what you want to do, you have to go with that. And I think that you would be frustrated if you're an artist that you don't let that out into the world. And you'll probably be teaching a lot of people and inspiring a lot of people. So that's my advice for you is to do you.

Here's another idea. This is what they've been doing since the beginning of time. You could change your name. You could have a name that you use as an artist and as a writer. That's not your own name. And then you're good. Yeah. I'm also wondering, like, also, if I just like you the fake name, like, or fake personality, fake identity, if people might read or see some art stuff or whatever, and they might be like, oh, that guy's fake or he's hiding behind me. No, they're not going to be. No. But if you want to be real, then I would just say you have to put yourself out there. I mean, I think that that's always the best way to go is to authentically be yourself.

And I think that when you make those choices and you stick by what you believe in, the world will reward you and that you don't wanna live in a society where it doesn't. And so, you know, you're gonna have to make this decision. And if you're not ready yet, there's no like time bomb going off. Like you don't have to do it now.

So it sounds like there's some other things to consider. But I always believe that kind of the journey of life is becoming more vulnerable and more yourself and being the same you wherever you are. So showing up as yourself. And so if you're feeling that there's still this hypocritical part of you that doesn't feel right, then you're gonna know the right thing to do, okay?

All right. Thank you for calling in and good luck with your art and good luck with everything. And you sound really thoughtful and smart. And so I think the answers are gonna come to you. I think they're great questions. Just leave it in your cell. Okay, bye, thank you for calling.

Have a great day, bye. This really resonated with me because I have to say when you come out there and you're like, this is who I am, this is, you know, for example, even with sex, I understand that people are gonna judge but they're always gonna be that way in life. You're gonna wanna judge

because people aren't loving themselves and they're not comfortable with who they are. And you know, you trigger something in them and then oftentimes they can wake up. And so I think the more honest you are and the more vulnerable you are, that truly is the journey of life. It's a truly accept yourself and love yourself.

So others can love you wholly and fully as well. Okay, we have Mary. She's 24 from New York City and she wants to know how to let go of anger from a past unhealthy relationship and move on. Hi, Mary. Thanks for calling. Hi, Emily. Hi. Tell me what's going on. Tell me some history here about your situation.

Um, yeah, so I'm just dealing with kind of processing an old relationship and I find that I'm still having a lot of anger and resentment from it. So basically I just got out of this really toxic abusive relationship with this person that was like emotionally, verbally, physically abusive which made me have to move across the country and I just feel like I'm having to start over in this new life and that he gets to go kind of, got free and continue his life as is and it just like makes me incredibly angry and I've processed a lot of like what's going on with how it's my fault or like things that I contributed to the relationship but I'm having a hard time letting go of being angry in general and also just the sense that he can continue doing it to other women.

Right. Okay, so he was physically abusive. Is this something that you went to the police about? Or could you have? I used to. I was in New York at the time, and a police saw him throw me off my bike, but nothing was done. And I also knew that he was going to go and try and break into my apartment. And they said that they were basically no help and said that I would have to go back to

my apartment and then call them when he was breaking in. So that kind of gave this feeling of nobody can really help me in my situation except take it into my own hands. Yeah, I'm so sorry. That sounds so challenging, sweetie. I'm really sorry that you've been through all that. And so I'm glad you're out of that situation. And so what we can do now is I understand what you're saying

about him being harmful for others, but what I'm concerned is right now is mostly about you and your own mental health. And so you said that you've kind of looked at your own part of it, because yes, there's right, there's two people in every relationship, but I also hope that you're not still holding on to blaming yourself and beating yourself up.

And I'm wondering if you've had any therapy around this. Because when we're in toxic relationships, an abusive relationship to it's trauma. Like you just experienced traumatic trauma. Have you had any therapy? I went to a group therapy for domestic violence and it was helpful, but it was also, it felt almost harming a little bit

because I dealt with a lot of emotional verbal and financial abuse where in this group therapy it was a lot of women older than me that maybe had started families with men and then they were like extremely physically abusive. So I was having to hear like horror stories. Yeah, no, I got it. My situation never escalated to that point. Right, right. So maybe is there a way you could get

into some individual therapy right now to talk about this? Yeah, I think so. Well, you think so. Do you have, do you have any health insurance? No, I don't. OK. Because there's also like clinics where you live in New York now, right? Or do you move somewhere health insurance? No, I don't. Okay, because there's also like clinics, where you live in New York now, right?

Or do you move somewhere else? Or you're, no, I had to move to Oregon. Got it, okay. So there's a lot of places that have clinics and they have like, you could get a therapist on a sliding scale, because I'm telling you, your mental health

is the most important thing. And without that, you really don't, like there's nothing else to spend your money on. And you could get a sliding scale therapist in a clinic or a woman's health. Clinic, I'm sure there's, you to spend your money on and you could get a sliding scale therapist in a clinic or women's health clinic I'm sure there's you know you can plant parenthood there's a lot of places that could offer you therapy but so that's one part of it Which I think is so important because I just feel like you moved to a new city

You don't have a lot of support or friends around you and wondering if also like is this something that was familiar to you at all from your childhood It was already abuse in your family growing up. I think where it stemmed from is it's an accumulation of things. This is the first person that I've ever fallen in love with and been in a long-term relationship with. And my dad died when I was little, which I think had a lot of trauma in my childhood of just wanting a parental figure and searching for somebody that would validate me

and love me and the ways that I felt like I didn't have. I think that was a huge part of that. Yeah, I'm sure I totally got it. I lost my father young too. And it's, yeah, I understand that kind of like searching for the father figure and taking care of yourself. And so I just feel like that's a lot so we do that you're dealing with right now.

So I do think that finding some way to talk to someone about all these emotions and then that's not to blame yourself right now. And not to try to get into another relationship either. I feel like the most important thing you could do right now is take care of you and building a community around you of support of friends and getting out of your house and me new people. Whether are you working? Yes, yeah. Okay. So taking classes and again, like getting some help,

because I just know this from years and years and years of doing this and talking to so many people that when we don't heal trauma in our life, it just sticks with you. So I don't think that you'll be able to, you know, which is actually like, it's good to know this because then you won't be trying to get into a relationship then you can just turn all the attention towards being in a healthy place knowing that it's

not your fault. It's not what you deserve. You didn't do anything wrong. You know, you're human. You loved him. You know, he presented a different person than he actually was. We've all made those mistakes. We all made mistakes with the wrong kind of people, but that's also what we do. The greatest learning. And so I think you're in a really good position right now for you to really take this so you don't start dating because you might find yourself attracted to the same kind of person again And you won't even know it, you know, like when your pickers broke and we say we get into these patterns And so before you get this pattern gets gelled into like the fabric of who you are I just would say that like do everything you can to take care of your mental health and talk to people and find a therapist

And also what you're saying here I want to say one more thing You're talking about like you want him to have his justice, like you don't want him to harm other people and like you're so angry at him. That's gonna go away after like that. That's like your energy going towards that is also serving you to keep you away

from feeling the sadness and the pain that you're feeling. So it's really easy to be angry at him and to still be like, I want him to get his, you know, I wanna protect the world and other women, but it's really if you take it back to yourself, it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be angry. It just, you know, what happened to you. So when your mind goes towards all that,

it's another distraction from you actually dealing with what's in front of you. And that's what happened to you. So that's what you gotta deal. You gotta find a way. Because if you find my, we all find money for a bunch of things, and this is the most and by promise you the best money you can spend. So I struggle so much with him not being held accountable at all and I guess we're seeing

that a lot in the news and just within social circles of women but it's hard to understand that. I mean is there something you want to understand too? So I'm wondering if there's anything else. I mean, you could file reports. We're both heavily involved in the cycling community in New York and also nationally. And there's the women involved in that scene are very close knit. So he has been reported to the women within that. Okay, so you've done that part of it. So I think once you could help for this and you start to get clear and healthier around this, then maybe we could go back and think about what you could do.

But right now, again, I think that, you know, you've already put it out to people, you know, it's not really your job. I mean, I understand that feeling of wanting to like, protect other women and that is important. But I think that I'm not sure what you could do right now where you're at. I think you just have to really see. Do you see what I mean?

You keep coming up with that and I get that. That's important. I talked your therapist about that. I really would and say, that's what I'm angry and she might have a solution for you. But right now I just want you to put all the energy focus on him back on yourself. It's like literally the most important thing. You have to work this out and work this through because you won't be, it will be so much more challenging to get into a healthy relationship. So good luck to you. Keep me posted. Take care of yourself.

Please sweetie. And we're all thinking about you and sending around. Okay. You're going to be fine. You're great. I'm glad you got away. You're so welcome. Bye, Mary. Oh, my heart goes out. I want to give her a big hug. Oh, you guys, I'm telling you, I know I say therapy therapy therapy, but it is the most important work you can do on yourself is figuring out these issues that will hold us back. I know people of all ages who are like still going back to things that happen when they're child

and when you're 45 years old and you haven't, you know, looked at trauma, death, abuse, it's just really hard to get into healthy relationships. So I just can't stress that enough. You know, money is not an excuse. I will not take that excuse from anybody. You can always find a way to get help into it to make it work. So, that your mental health, you will have nothing.

Promise you that. So we have Sean. He's 49 from Toronto. And he wants to know for penis ring has effects on erection and climax. Hi, Sean. Hi. Hi.

So tell me what's going on with your cock ring, penis ring situation. Well, nothing. There's been no problems. I'm just wondering because it's kind of like Hi, so tell me what's going on with your cock-ring, pain-as-ring situation. Well, nothing. There's been no problems. I'm just wondering because it's kind of like having a tourniquet on, right? It's having blood, and food in there.

And if you have it on too long, I'm just curious, are there any short-term effects or any long-term effects from using it on a regular basis? You use it every single time you have sex, every time you masturbate. No. So tell me, we all need have sex every time you masturbate. No. Okay. So tell me, we all need to know.

Tell me what's going on. It's okay. I'm using a toy all the time. That's okay. So are you experiencing problems? Can you not have sex without it? Tell me the background here. No, absolutely not.

I don't need it. I have no problems. I just enjoy this sensation of this. Oh, yeah. No, there's a lot of it occasionally okay occasionally there's nothing about the essence of the rest of the flow for a lot of my health and last longer

there are guys who walk around all day and they never take it off and that could be a problem if it's always a stringing blood flow twenty four seven but no using it occasionally during sex and during masturbation totally fine you're good you're clear enjoy it and there won't be any long-term effects like in 10, 15, 20 years down the road. Not that I've heard of.

No, but just make sure it's not too tight. And like, you're not experiencing any pain. But if you're just, you know, you're good. I mean, you really do you. I love it. So I think that's fine. I think that's fine as long as you're not experiencing pain or a certain attachment to it that you can't get hard without it. There are not long-term

aside to fix that I know of. I've heard of using cock ring. All I've heard is that people leave it on all the time. They never take it off and it's too tight and then they have problems. But that doesn't sound like where you're at. Sounds like you're being a respectful cock ring user. Okay. Okay. Thanks. Thanks, Sean. Have a great day. Thanks for calling. You too. Bye. Bye. Yeah, you guys penis rings coquins there I know I talk about them a lot on the show. They're great to use there's sums at Vibrating coquins like the I love the pivot by Wevi that you can wear during Saxon. It's great for the man and it's great for a woman too because the

Vibration hits are clitoris and coquins are really like in the gay community a lot of men have worn them to you know They're metal ones and they to restrict blood flow because it helps you stay hard or longer. So, again, like anything, like any toy, any product, if you're using it in moderation and you're using it in your pink touch into your body, then I think you're, you're clear to go. I'm glad that Sean knows what he likes and what feels good. That's the most important thing.

Okay, everyone. Thanks for listening to the show. That was fun. And thank you to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our volunteer Shannon Jenney, producer Lark, and Michael. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Text Ask Emily to 7979-779.

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