Sex With Emily - Find Your Sexual Voice w/ Lake Bell

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

When it comes to your sexual style, have you ever thought about your voice? Do you moan? Slow things down? Pitch up or down an octave? Actor, writer and director Lake Bell is obsessed with the human voice. On today’s show, we’ll discuss her new audiobook Inside Voice, which explores this obsession, including the “sexy baby voice” phenomenon - which happens to be her least favorite choice for bedroom talk. We also discuss your takes on dating in your 40s, and why things often get better with age when it comes to the pursuit of romance. All this and more with my amazing guest, Lake Bell.Show Notes:Article: Ask Emily: How Do I Get Better at Dirty Talk?Lake Bell’s New Audiobook, Inside Voice: My Obsession with How We Sound: Audible | PushkinMore Lake Bell: Instagram | Twitter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When it comes to that clitoris discussion, I almost was like, it could be within the sort of complement sandwich report, but it also could be like, hey, like before we get any further, I just put your fucking vagina by his face and just be like, the bitch is here. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When it comes to your sexual style, have you ever thought about your voice? Do you moan?

Slow things down? Pitch up or down and active? Actor, writer and director Lake Bell is obsessed with the human voice. On today's show, we'll discuss her new audiobook Inside Voice, which explores this obsession, including the sexy baby voice phenomenon, which happens to be her least favorite choice for bedroom talk. We also discuss dating in your 40s and why things often get better with age when it comes to the pursuit of romance. All this and more with my amazing guest, Lake Bell. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, I want to start off by setting an attention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. While my intention is to help you listen to your voice with

less judgment and allow it to be its authentic self, both in and out of the bedroom. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My article, Ask Emily, How do I Get Better at Dirty dirty talk is up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sexwithemily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily, or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 8255739. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Lake Bal is an actor, director, writer and voice obsessive.

Her new audiobook inside voice, my obsession with how we sound is an actor, director, writer, and voice obsessive. Her new audiobook, Inside Voice, My Obsession with How We Sound, is an auditory exploration of how this piece of our identity serves as an x-ray of our personal histories. Featuring iconic voices and a range of experts, including yours truly, Inside Voice goes deep and what is arguably our most undervalued personal trait. File a link on Twitter and Instagram at LakeBell and download her new audiobook Inside Voice on audibleapplebookslibro.fmm pushkin.fm. So LakeBell, we talked, do you think you messaged me and you said I'm doing this audiobook? You know, Inside Voice, about your obsession with voices which we'll get into, you said, I want to talk about the sexy baby voice, which is like that voice,

which I just think you got it. You got to do it for us right now. So just to help contextualize to all of the lovely listeners, which I am one, the sexy baby vocal affectation is the one that is quite prevalent in pop culture. You hear a lot on reality shows and whatnot. You know, I sort of coined it just to kind of help categorize it in a quick way, right? So you go, okay, there's something kind of sexy about it, but then it's also kind of infantile as well. So those two things concurrently dancing together in the affectation. So it's pitch, which is way up there.

So it's really high. And then it's vocal fry. And then it's also up talk. And so it's sort of like, that looks good on you. And so that thing, which I find fast, like truly extraordinary, which kind of like started, and I talk in the book how it kind of like it seeded maybe from a place just in terms of pop culture from like kind of a Maryland Monroe version, but even before that the precursor being kind of like Betty

Boop, right, who's very sort of sexualized, but it's also kind of like intended for kids. So it's like a confusing no fly zone kind of. So that going to kind of the Maryland sound, which is very breathy, you know, oh, piggy, you know, and then going up to to Paracelton, who's like OG, you know, like OG quintessential, that's hot. You know, that's like that bad ass kind of like pop culture reference that's almost exclusively voiced. Sure, there's also visuals, a visual component, but the voice is quite extraordinary. Well, you know, what really maybe think about this because I actually, I listened to your whole book, which I think everybody should do inside voice to audiobook, which I can just tell you put so

much heart and soul into it. This has been your like your passion. What I gathered was just that there's all these things that go into our voice that you're collecting things from your like everything that you pick up along the way about where I grew up, how my parents talk, where I spent my summers, and it's funny doing this job for as long as I have, I never really thought about my voice. Yeah, I would love to know more. a rasp and a quality to it that I find very sexy. And I think that a lot of people probably find for sexy. So it's very fitting to be able to ingest the information and the kind of education that we get from your podcast. But through this voice that feels like, well, I'm an authority on this because I mean, God just listened to me, you know, like, I mean, with a voice like this, you can imagine that I know what I'm talking about. I do think that sexy voice in general, if you take out the baby aspect of it, sexy voice is an

interesting discussion point. It's surprising because women have a different thought, like they're thinking what they think a female sexy sound is, is different than perhaps maybe a man. If we, you know, talking about voice, we do kind of traverse some kind of gender territory. And in the book, obviously, you know, we really get into that. I think a lot of people haven't maybe thought about how they are changing their voice, is there certain people that you're with, where you love or your voice, or if you're on a date, or you're on a business meeting, or how do you, or maybe, or should we? Because I'm such a learner, I'm like,

should I be doing that? Should I know more? Should I be more conscious of it? Would you say this is something that the takeaway, I mean, besides just being fascinating to think about your voice now is something else that we is uniquely ours. When you, you're like, okay, I'm going on a date.

I'm going to meet someone. I'm going for a job interview. Okay, I'm meeting someone for the first goddamn time. You have an opportunity here to sure, choose your outfit, your hair, your makeup, how you present visually, and then how you present vocally. Are you a person who is going to authentically arrive with your sound as it fell off the truck as who you are? And are you connected in your breath?

Do you allow for your sound to be something that you find satiating and pleasant, that you're not going to self-load and criticize the sound of your own voice because we're very disassociated with it. And then when we hear it, we dislike it. And so that I found so curious. And when you're thinking about meeting someone for the first time and sending a good impression, that's when we start to put on airs, right? You might lower your voice. You might heighten it a little bit. If you feel like you're in that gendered kind of bubble, and you feel that if you have to be feminine or touch with your feminine and you want to send that message, you know, you might speak a little higher and you might be a little softer and think about your musicality. And then if you feel like you need to command an entire room of

people, you might lower your register. What I find inherently interesting about that is like, well, I fucking like the lower voices in women, and I find that sexy. I feel sexy in my lower voice, in my lower register. I love Lauren Bacall. I like Kathleen Turner's voice. You know, it's like these are the voices that I found really sexy and powerful, but that's

said, you know, there are certain female voices and female sounds that are higher in register that, you know, could totally be a turn on. It's not, it's not exclusive. It's not linear. It's not in a box, you know. Yeah, well what I love about this is what I do, but I never really thought about lowering and changing my voice, which all I know for me I really need to slow down a lot.

Like I talk really fast and then when I slow down and I breathe, that's when I feel the most embodied and the most present and the most myself. I actually think that it's the most powerful thing that we can do and I've taken classes and I dabble in breath work, but I found that it's been the most transformational work that I've done. It's like serious breathwork. I might even say that hydration falls in there too. It sounds so doorky, but I think that

in voice work, when we talk about connected sound, it really needs to be clear that if you have a high pitched voice, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not poo-pooing anything. I love voices. I like me some deep regional voices. I like some high-pitched, unique voices. I like a sibilance. I love an affectation or like a... if I hear someone with a strong lisp, I'm like, wow, how fantastically unique. The voice has so much character, and frankly, I've ironed out and I talk about this in the book, but I've ironed out my New York sound based off of my own upbringing and certainly the culture that was around me. That's a socially learned thing to get rid of, quote unquote, your accent, to iron things

out. People do it often. But if I had any hope and dream when it came to inside voice, I hope you think, okay, so the message here is, a, stay regional, stay true to your roots, don't iron shit out, stay true to your ex-entrissities and your uniqueness and your sounds. And then additionally, breathe more, drink more water, and then on top of it be a better listener. I give myself that task as well. Most of us, as you say, and it's true, we don't want to even listen to the sound of our own voice.

We've such disdain, but yet we care about all these other things like our outward appearance and how we show up but our voice is showing up wherever we go, but we don't want to hear it. And so that's kind of have some other repercussions. And that's what we don't even realize. And what is that about the fact that we just don't love our voice? Well, what you're hearing, what you hear,

as you speak, and as I speak right now, I'm listening to my voice, but I'm listening it through my skull. And my skull is made up, obviously our skulls are comprised of all these bones. And so the sounds are bouncing off of the ear drums and the bones in the skull. And so it sounds more resonant. It is, it is totally altered. What your ear is hearing.

So that when you play it back, it's going to sound like a different person to you. And so people get really squeamish at the fact that that doesn't sound like how I think I sound, right? And so then it becomes kind of disorienting. And I think therefore a bit of there's disdain. But after you listen, it's almost like an exposure therapy that I always tell people to do like, for example, you don't love your body. Look in the mirror, look at your body naked, talk about things you love

about it. I think that there would really be beneficial when we both have some exposure therapy with our voice. Like, take a listen to it. What can you learn from it? Right? Yeah, you're kind of doing that to yourself because you are as a podcaster, you're listening to your voice all the time. I care for my voice. I don't have negative feelings about it, but I do in the process of making this book. I'm really listening to and I'm in the studio and I'm having to do hours and hours and hours and sure when I do a character or something, that's a character. So it's not me. This is, whoa, really intimate, you know, really getting in there with my sound and starting to almost be feel disembodied from it and then, you know, I get back in it again, but I've had to train myself to, you know, have moments, even I can have

moments where I'm unkind, you know. What about finding your authentic voice in the bedroom? Slash dating. Is that something that you think about or that came up for you? Like, how do you actually know where you use that voice strategically? I think we arrive in the bedroom thinking that it's this silent. Nobody's really allowed to talk and that it's somehow we arrived in this like, sensual time.

And like, in sexual sensual time, there's no- nobody can talk about what happened. You just have to do what the things are, you know, and you should know what to do. And if you don't know what to do, well then you're an idiot. So, I found my new thing is trying to be like, really just like, don't leave lake at the door of the bedroom. Like stay in lake because lake is the person who's arrived in this sexual experience. So lake is a little meta allowing for it to be in the room. Now obviously we don't need like a boner killer with me like doing a play-by-play. However, I will say that showing your partner out of the gate that you're comfortable vocalizing and using your real connected voice to say like,

I like that. Oh, do you like that? You know, that kind of like conversation because obviously being sexual with someone is conversational in our bodies, so why not extend that to our sound? You don't have to have necessarily, you know, I'm not gonna be like, hey, baby, like, let me do like that. You know, like, I'm not gonna not sound like me, you know, but I'm also not gonna be like, okay, here we go.

I like to look at a bullhorn, like, people how I assume I am when I have sex with someone is like, aren't guys intimidated? I'm like, I'm not sitting there with a bullhorn going to the left, to the right dude. Like, that's not my clitoris. What the fuck are you doing? Like, I don't do that.

But people are assuming you have this voice that's very like, authoritative in the bathroom. But again, you got to find your authentic voice. Like, who are you and what feels good to you? And- It's more about respect, doesn't it? It's like, you gotta, I think I've learned that, you know, it's like feedback is great as long as it's really couched in love and respect.

This is showing the other person that you're confident enough and excited to have a great experience with them, and here is how we can do that. Like it's based in playfulness and curiosity, in presence, you could tune out and not be present and then not say anything. But I think that being vocal is queuing to the other person that you're present. Yeah, exactly.

And that is a practice. There's so many people who are like mute to the bedroom. I often hear this, you two more from all the owners who like don't want to say a word, they don't know how to, you know, they just feel some shame around it. And I just always have a few people to practice, like practice outside the bedroom. How would even feel to start to mow on or start to feel yourself like when you're masturbating? So, I think there's nothing like being in the bedroom with someone when they're not making any noise. You're like, are you alive? I'm enjoying this. I know.

And sometimes when I'm getting even distracted, like in the moment, or having sex which still happens to me, everybody, I still get in my head. I'm still worrying about shit in the bedroom. But what I would say to my partners is, I'll just be like, okay babe, we gotta stop breathin' and we'll literally look at each other, stop everything.

And then just I'll just like take a few deep breaths, maybe five deep breaths. And you immediately reset. And then I think you view your worries and you can start from where you're at. That's a hot tip actually. I like that. They're like, okay, she wants to be really present

and she's also calling herself out. So I don't have to. Right, I call myself out all the time, maybe to a fault, but I'm like, that was me, that was my bad. And like, baby, I was distracted. I missed the whole thing. Like, you're already dead.

We're already dead. My pants, I'm naked. I don't know what happened me, that was my bed. And like, baby, I was distracted. I missed the whole thing. Like, you're already dead. We're already dead. My pants, I'm naked. I don't know what happened here. Let's just stop. I'd be like, can we reset? What happened? Did we have fun?

Was I having fun? Let's reset. When you're in a relationship and a committed relationship, there's a trust. And so, and there's a little bit of autopilot that we're all guilty of, where you're like, okay, like, you know, the kids are in beds, like, this is our moment. Okay, go through the motions and like, yes, I know how he likes us and I know how

I like that. And she knows I like that. And you're in a safe place, but you're like, am I actually, am I feeling pleasure and presence in this moment? And you're like, maybe not. That's exactly it. You get into the motions and you just got to kind of reset. And also Emily, it's like that thing. It's really nice to hear that maybe you're not in the mood right now. The beauty of you being like, we started the party and like, now I'm kind of like, I realize I'm not into it right now. You know what I mean?

Love you. I know. Well, let's reprise at another time. But like I also want to talk about this. So dating in your 40s and what that's like, we also put it out to our listeners and want to get to that in a second about what they said because I was like let's just ask them what they think and we could talk more. But when you're dating how important is voice? Like do you hear someone's voice right now? Do you check about it in an app? Like is that it could that be a deal breakers? Is

it something you think that we should be looking at as well? For me personally, I'm so sorry, but it is really important. I can just be attracted to someone based off their voice alone. I can be repelt by someone's voice alone. So I have that and I know that's not everyone, but you know, we all have our things. It is less about looks for me, frankly. I don't care what size, shape, or whatever you want, but the voice is big for me, so if it's a really, if it's a confident and kind of unique voice, I'm listening.

But it's also chemical, right? Voice has chemical flavors to it too, so you're like, ooh, I don't know why I like that. Sometimes it's nostalgia. You're like, gosh, I feel so safe and comfortable with this person because you're not realizing it, but they sound exactly like your favorite teacher in junior high or whatever. You don't know what it is, but there's something there.

Sometimes other things are at play. Is this something that's always been important to you? With the voice, or is it more like so lately with age? Like how have things changed? I have to be honest. So voice has always been a factor for sure. Like I'm really, I cannot be attracted to someone sexually if I'm not into their voice. And that has been from a young age to now. I just imagine that will continue. And I'm like, is that kink? No. I'm like that I have like voice obsessive.

It's a deep wisdom of knowing yourself. Of knowing also that it's okay, like there's certain things that I know that need to be okay. Like someone who's passionate about things in life, someone who knows themselves, somebody who is more positive than negative, there's all these things. And I think the more we embrace it and say,

this is what I want, it makes it a lot easier. So you're not, I mean, that's part of the wisdom of dating in your four days. I actually put it out to buy listeners, and I want to see if you agree with somebody things. I just said, like, what are the pros to dating in your four days? And what are the cons? And like, tell me through any of these,

you want to press a pin and you're like, oh yeah, okay, so this is what people said. And we had some themes. You've hired standards and you're like, oh yeah, okay, so this is what people said And we had some themes you've hired standards You're less willing to tell right nonsense. You're quicker to call a stop to it. It's so much fun I'm thankful I get to date now that I really know myself. I'm confident in my body. I don't take bullshit I would say this okay all of these are kind of the same they fall under a similar umbrella, which is All of these are kind of the same, they fall under a similar umbrella, which is you're dating as a more evolved you.

So I concur, you are less likely to put up with bullshit, but that's because you are less likely to put up with your own bullshit and we'll call yourself on those things. So you're aware of all of your warts and you know, and you are dealing with them actively or have gotten through some of them. So you arrive at someone else's person ship

and you are standing in front of them as being like, I know what my shit is. And then you get to, if someone is like, oh, I don't know, I'm still vacillating between like my youth and like, like, man, I'm like, yeah, it's not going to work out. I just don't have any time for it. I'm not interested in it. I'm a grown-ass woman.

And I'm not apologizing for it. And I also feel like I always was kind of excited to get to be 40. I remember people being nervous about turning 30. And I was like, I feel like I've always been 30. I've been finally when I was 30. I was like, yeah, I know. And then at 40, I was a little like, I was like, I feel like I've always been 30. And then finally when I was 30, I was like, yeah, I know. And then at 40, I was a little like, I was scared.

You know, I think that there's something poor women, like we really get it so hard. And we really get in our head about that 40 sound, you know, and same with 50, but I think 50 everyone gets over it by that point. But 40, oh. I mean, 40's hard, but then you're 50. And then you wish you were 40. my mom says 50 is the best my mom is like

You don't even know She didn't do it like that. She's very soft I hear her now in my head. It's true when we return you'll hear more of my conversation with Lake Bell, so don't go anywhere. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I just feel like the dating in your 40s is so freeing

because you are in a situation where you're like, oh, I've already done so much hard work. And I am, can I continue to do so, but I'm aware that I'm continuing to do so. And I'm not ashamed of it. It's very sexy when someone else is like, oh yeah, I am acutely aware of all of my stuff and I am actively addressing it. People who have done their work, right? People who actually know who they are. They're not just sort of trying to figure out who they are. And like you were saying earlier, like they've got one foot in like their childhood,

like maybe I want to do this and maybe I do that. At this point, they already know I am challenged around commitment or I'm challenged around whatever, like just say it. Yeah, or on the path because you don't have to know who you are period. You have to be like actively work it for me. That's me. I'm like, you have to be like acutely aware because frankly, we should be so lucky that we get to continue to discover and evolve throughout all these fucking decades. You're on the journey

because you never get there. You're never there, but it's always a journey, but at least you're on the take in the step on the path. I mean, aging is a privilege because you know what the opposite of aging is dying. That would suck. So who cares? You got some gray hairs. You know, your skin, you got to constantly deal with the goddamn skin and all this shit. And you just have to stay on top of your own, you know, love that yourself, you know, kind of thing so that you're not beating yourself up.

And I wouldn't want to go back in time, either. I don't want to be any of those ages at all. You're like the hottest you've ever been. Let's be honest. I feel like I am so much more complete than I've ever been in all the areas. Going back to our listeners, a lot of you wanted to be dating with kids. They want to know what about saying it with kids? How to navigate a single day that can only get together once a week. Are you dealing

with that now? Yes, and it's fabulous because thank God I love dating people with children because I'm like they won't be available sometimes and that is joyous. Like you get to date and be like, hey guess what you're gonna do during the time that he's busy. You get to do shit for you. Being unavailable is beautiful with that intermittently, for me, in a relationship.

I cannot have someone who is like all over my shit, trying to move in like the whole thing. By the way, I understand the terms can always change. I might meet someone and go like, move in right away. But I also think that in this time in my life, I am very much attracted to people who are really standing on their own two feet

and responsible and generous to themselves too. Like they are doing their work as we keep bringing up. They're doing their work. They're actively doing it. And part of that is maintaining being a good parent and doing their share in their other relationship, which is with their baby mama, right? I'm really into that.

If they have a good relationship with their ex, I'm like, that's hot. I'm in that situation now too. I'm like, it's amazing when the ex is happy. Like you want them to have a good relationship and they get along. That is the best case scenario. I just want to admit that yes, I understand that it is very, it's a tough pill to swallow. Like if you have a very challenging relationship with your ex, and then the person you're dating has a dreamy relationship with their ex, it's disorienting. However, if you zoom back and you look in, you go, oh my god, thank god,

I'm not dealing with a crazy person on both sides. Like, so you just look at it like that, allow yourself to just be like, it is a blessing, but I do respect and understand the perspective because I was in a rapport at one point a relationship where like the guy I was dating was kind of like oh I don't understand how it is that you and Scott are so awesome and comfortable and friends and I was like I do what how and I just realized oh he doesn't doesn't have that. So it feels very like foreign.

I really respected that I can't kind of say, don't you get it? Just fucking get it. It's like, that's not nice. That's not sensitive because it's very hard to understand if you don't have it, but it totally exists. Exactly.

And maybe you can inspire him that it's possible. Because I think that that's kind of a newer-ish thing. I don't know, my parents will get that when they're divorced. They got along, but I think that that's kind of a newer-ish thing. I don't know, my parents will get that one. They're divorced. They got along. But I think now we're seeing it more than ever. But, gosh, hopefully, you love this person.

You want the best for your kids. Hopefully you can have a positive relationship. Like that. At least work on it. Lastly on that, I just would say, if you're dating someone and you're like in a situation where your relationship with your ex is just looking real shitty comparatively to them in their ex and it's really disheartening

The person you're dating will probably be supportive Don't look away from that support because I remember trying to support The person I was with and say like hey, let me be a teammate in you and your ex It was only weird if you make it weird. You just doing it for the kids anyway. And frankly, you're doing it for all of you because whether you like it or not, you're all in a relationship of some extended, it just is what it is, right? Like, my parents are divorced and we're all like when someone gets married or so, there's a graduation.

It's like they're all fucking there, you know, all the remarriages. So we're all in it together, guys. So if we could just not fight, that would be, I think, better for our blood pressure. Absolutely. I think that's just the more of the modern way too, right? It's not just this linear, you know, family. I think that a lot of us have the exes

and the things around, the more you can handle that. And that's just stuff interesting to test in the beginning. Okay, so we can a lot of emails as you know, but we also get some voiceicemails and I thought because you are the voice expert at Fischero, this is your passion, we bought some voicemails and I thought it could just be interesting to get your perspective too and see how we can answer this question. Well, this is Amanda and she's 35 and she was in the West Coast.

It's really struggling with this off-and-on relationship. Finally, that's someone that I feel. Like, I have someone that I feel. Like, I have a perfect connection with. We love to do all the same things. Next is unbelievable. The best I've ever had. It's really into a connection, deep.

But the one glitch is that this person, they all not interested, likely in having children in the future, and I myself don't want to take that off the table. So both of us are having a really hard time trying to figure out whether to continue to explore the relationship or let it go based on our long-term goals, even though we really care about each other. Just looking for any advice that might help us navigate this, whether we should let it go, or whether we should continue to explore and have more conversations and see what

happens. Thanks so much Emily. Your show's awesome. Lovely to see you too. Take care. Bye. All right. I know. Oh, so sweet. OK, I like it because I think out of the gate, I can tell, you know, I mean, first of all,

you're 35 years young. And I do hear you. I think women, especially at 35, kind of like, what am I going to do if I haven't had kids yet? Like yeah, this is it. The genuine truth is, is like, I guess I had my first kid at 35 in the second at 37. But it's kind of like, my buddy just had a baby, she's 41. I don't know.

You know, it's, if you could take the baby out of the conversation unless she's secretly kind of wanting it like tomorrow, I feel like there's enough there to stick with it. Yeah, but to me, I guess I feel like, at this age, as you get 35, you get a bit like in my 20s, I could date the people that were so wrong for me for years. Like you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. I'm like, I'll date this DJ for as long as I want to, it's a good time, but it wasn't right. And it didn't, you know right, you're right, you're right. I'm like, oh, date this DJ for as long as I want to.

It's been a good time, but it wasn't right. And it didn't, you know, I had more time, but I think we were dating, you know, kids. This is what I want. I actually want kids, you don't wait around for them to change. You're so right, because here's the deal. What I like about, I think I initially went,

oh, because she sounds really young to me. Her voice sounds really young, but 35, you get to definitely stamp yourself a woman, a grown woman, which is nice, grown-ass woman, you know, own it. And then I really, I hear you and I feel convinced because what I like what she did was advocate for herself, she said what she needs, that's so fucking hard for women sometimes. They're like, hey, I would like to have children like soon. That's such a hard, hard conversation that she had to have. I give them props for being, you know, honest and saying, you know, I really don't think I want children because that's also a difficult thing to say out loud. children because that's also a difficult thing to say out loud. You know, it's like I definitely

don't need someone to take care of me financially. I just want to make sure that they can financially take care of themselves. You know what I'm saying? They don't feel like they're on the ups and figuring out their, you know, place in the world. That's very helpful. Let's do one more. This is from Sarah 31 in Washington DC. I've been in a really amazing relationship for two years with my male partner who is just so kind and loving and he really turned me on a lot of the time. But since we first started dating, pretty much for the duration of our relationship, he has this kind of persona and the bedroom that feels really inauthentic. And I've noticed that I've kind of tried to guide him towards being a little more present when we're having sex. I've shown him how to touch my clitoris, probably a hundred times,

and he just still doesn't get it. And my analysis is that he seems to just be really stuck in his head. I love your advice for how to work on our sex life. And maybe I need to stop being so prescriptive about what he might need to be more present. OK, thank you so much. I appreciate you. Emily, go.

I'm so curious to hear what your point of view is on this, because I know this. I've been in a similar scenario So go oh my god. I wish you as a sea lake space. She's like nodding going yes Yes, yes, I'm so glad for this question. I mean I wait right I want to hear this too because basically she says she's been dating this guy She's 31 She says it feels very inauthentic in the bedroom Which is interesting to think of like what inauthentic and I think it's probably not present. I think that's this. She's

saying he has a persona, a sex persona. So like for instance, they're awesome, they're fun, they're having a great time. You know, they're sexually attracted to each other as well, but his sort of like sex presence, his sex character that he likes for him is kind of like put on and so for her she's going oh I don't recognize that guy as much as not the guy who's just hanging out with when we were having dinner. It's kind of quasi porn related but in my view I've always been like this is making them feel hot you know and yet she's sort of like how do I say it in a way that's not like totally bursting

the bubble of the guy who's like dude. I like that fucking poor nasty guy who comes into like that turns me on You know, right? This is your turn on so it sounds like to me that this is like conversations that happen outside the bedroom about their sex life It's been two years. So I think it's like it's almost like a state of the union It's like a state of your sex union and I think that every couple needs to have this the sooner the better Maybe you bring in some highlights like your company report at the. It's like a state of your sex union. And I think that every couple needs to have this, the sooner the better, maybe you bring in some highlights, like your company report at the end of a quarter. Highlights. We hit our numbers. I had orgasms, you had orgasms. Like this is great. But it areas to improve is, you know, no, I think it's like this is what you love. You talk about the highlights. It feels so connected. These are the things I like.

And I was going to talk about the highlights, it feels so connected, these are things I like. And I was gonna talk about like, what's happening in the bedroom, because sometimes I would say like, I feel like when you show up as this certain way where I know that you seem so embodied and it seems like it's such a turn on and it's hot to see you that turn on, babe. However, there's something about it that feels like,

we're having someone else here and I don't think I called for a threesome yet. Do you feel that like men who have watched a lot of porn, they do kind of think, oh, that's now my turn on. Like, I now I'm kind of programmed. Absolutely. I do think that also for many Volvo owners too, the guys are with them and they're like, I swear to God, she's coming in and look like I was, she was really a script or trying

to make a porn star the way she was moving, but it wasn't real. And I think the same thing goes for guys because I think that if you look at this, if it's the only way that they're having sex mostly, like the most of the sex they've seen, maybe they learned about it, they really learned watching porn. Until all you've been seeing is the input of porn. This thing's happening. She's, he's choking her. Then he says this thing, you bitch, get out of your knees. Like, that's what you do.

I don't even question it. And it might have been an integration that was sort of subliminal, but they didn't even realize. And so maybe when Sarah points it out to them, I'll be like, oh, I didn't even know that. Like, I guess for me, you want me people that are self-aware, too. I would love that to be great. Note to everybody, be with someone you can take feedback, who genuinely wants to be open,

because the people are like not able to take feedback, is not your partner or anything. I think that what you said was really wise is like when you do your conversation, that you always start even when I'm writing a script or something and someone's giving me notes, or I'm giving someone else notes. You always start with the positive. I know that's a really basic thing, but really don't forget it. You start with the sugar.

So when you're saying all the good stuff and I love that, you know, it can be sexy and great and then just genuinely like feedback about the other things that you'd love to talk about and you know that it's a flow back and forth. You tell me stuff too. Such a good reinforcement here. It's like the compliments say how much,

like say something nice, give the fee key something complimentary, give the feedback. Like it's nestled in between two, you know, compliments and then you end it with like all the things you love. And then just to address really quickly her orgasm part, she said I've still to show her my clitoris a hundred times and you guys ain't got it.

I think that that's also confusing for people when we're like, I've told my partner a million times and I think this would be another thing to bring about side the bedroom. You could say, you know, I brought up this a lot like how important it is for me to have a clear stimulation and I realize it's not really happening that much. And I'm just curious, I'd love to know more about that. Is it that maybe you're not really sure how I like to be touched? Could I show you more where the glitter is? Is? And maybe it's that entire partners need education. Like literally for so many Volvo owners, you're not going to have a rouse, you're not going to have an orgasm, you're not going to feel attached to your partner, if they're not doing things that genuinely authentically and really,

it's a requirement for many of us that we need that stimulation. So I think letting them know that which part of clitoris did you understand? When it comes to that Clitters discussion, I almost was like it could be within the sort of complement sandwich report, but it also could be like, hey like before we get any further, I just put your fucking vagina by his face and just be like, the bitch is here. This is her and I'll just like touch myself, well I touch you, you know or something it could be like in the room a little. This is her. And I'll just touch myself, I touch you. You know, or something, it could be like in the room a little bit, you know? No, I love that,

because I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation. And so, because then you get to learn and it's hot, you could be like, give me a hand job and you could be like, well, I'm doing that, or while you're giving yourself a hand job masturbating, I'm gonna show you how I touch my clitoris, because then they're learning,

oh, I didn't get it. This is what you do. So, there's a lot of workarons. I wouldn't assume hereis because then they're learning, oh, I didn't get it. This is what you do. So there's a lot of work around. I wouldn't assume here that he's told the ignoreger because you told him 20 times, but sometimes it's harder to move along. This is so good. Like this is very, very helpful.

I could do these with you all day. I know. I know. This is great. This is just like girl talk. It's really fun. That's what we love. Okay, but like I'm going to ask you the five questions

We ask all of our guests are quickies. Okay, so just whatever comes to your mind. What's your biggest turn on confidence? Biggest turn off pushing us. What makes good sex Safety what something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships Speak up. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It's a physical conversation. It's not a one-sided monologue. I love that. So good, Lake.

Thank you so much for being here. Tell everyone where they can find you, where they can find your audio book. It is such a great lesson, everyone. I highly recommend it. Join me in listening to Inside Voice on Audible or Apple Books or Libro or anywhere audiobooks are sold. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmleek.com.

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