Sex With Emily - Finding Your Fantasy w/ Elle Chase

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

Sexual fantasies give us a window into what we need: a type of touch, a type of power, or even a type of person. But what if you’re one of those people who’s like: “I don’t know how to fantasize, Emily?” Then look no further than sex educator and author of Curvy Girl Sex Elle Chase. Elle joins me to talk about cultivating your erotic daydreams, what your fantasies say about your desire style, and how to turn a common fantasy into a reality: finding a friend with benefits. In this episode you’ll learn: How to find your fantasies and how to talk to your new partner about them  What to say to a partner who thinks butts are gross How to respond to a partner who desperately wants to watch you have sex with another (but you’re not so into it) Show Notes: Try our FREE Guides Today!  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Shop VIIA Today and use code "EMILY" at checkout for 15% off your order More Elle Chase: Website | Instagram Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Having immediate chemistry is not always a telltale sign. The chemistry can grow, and you have to really enjoy being with the person. And if you're just not attracted to them, you can't ever see being attracted to them. That's one thing. But if you're like, yeah, they're really nice. I really enjoy being with them. I'll try a second date. I don't feel the chemistry, but I'll try a second date.

And I used to have this thing where it was like a three date rule. You go on a date with someone that you like for three dates and if you still don't feel a chemistry, then done. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sexual fantasies, what are they all about?

Well, they give us the window into what we need. Maybe it's a type of touch, a type of power, or even a type of person. But what if you're one of those people who's like, I don't know how to fantasize, Emily. I don't have any fantasies. Well, today's episode is here to help you. Because listen, having a rich fantasy life

is part of being sexually healthy overall. It's important. I'm joined by sex educator and author of Curvy Girl Sex, L. Chase. We talk about cultivating your erotic daydreams, what your fantasies say about your desire style, and how to turn a common fantasy into a reality, finding a friends with benefits.

Do a lot of you have that fantasy? It's way more common these days. Plus we take your questions, how to respond to a partner who desperately wants to watch you have sex with another, but you're not so into it. What to say to a partner who thinks butts are gross, how to talk about your kink to a new partner

and so much more. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us.

We so appreciate it. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Orax and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. Check out my new articles, how to master sex in the water and how to have an A-spot orgasm. Those are up at sexwithemily.com.

And don't forget to sign up for my text messages. You can find the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. The summer heat is rolling in. So let's talk about something that can turn up the heat in the bedroom. Promessence Arousal Gel for Women. Promessence Arousal Gel intensifies sensations and increases your arousal. Whether you're looking to spice things up or explore new heights of sensation,

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Discover Promessin's arousal gel, you'll never look back. L. Chase is a certified sex educator, writer, and one of the most respected voices in the body acceptance and body neutrality movement. In addition to her book, Curvy Girl Sex, her writing has appeared in Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and Huffington Post. She's the author of two naughty coloring books and she was even the subject of an acclaimed documentary Inside Her Sex, focusing on the complexity of female

sexuality. Find more Elle at ElleChase.com or on Instagram at The Elle Chase. So Elle, I wanted to have you on today cause it's been a while and I love you. And there's just been a lot going on in your life but I just wanted to catch up. And so tell me a little bit about what you're excited about these days. Well, I started dating like for the first time

since the pandemic. And I'd love to take my listeners deep into fantasies. We hear from people all the time, I don't have a fantasy or my partner fantasizes and I don't or what does their fantasy mean? So I'd love to go a little bit deeper into how people can start to cultivate a rich fantasy life. But first, since we're catching up, talk to me about what's been going on in your journey with dating again.

I didn't want to before the pandemic. I just didn't have the energy to do it, to be perfectly honest. And then during the pandemic, it's like, and then after, I mean, I was like, I want touch, I want connection with somebody, even if it's not someone I'm super like intimate with that I want to go out on a date. So I started on all of the apps. What's really interesting that I found is I am queer, but I'm date men and cis men usually. And what I found is everybody is looking for connection. Everybody wants some sort of connection. And it's not just like, hey, hit me up for sex, which there is that too. But it's I'm looking for connection, I'm open to whatever, you know, let's start out as friends, that kind of thing.

But connection is the big sort of buzzword in my opinion, what I found on all of the apps, which I think is interesting. Tell me more about connection. Do you think it's more like they're just craving touch as well, which I understand, skin hunger. Skin hunger, yeah. Skin hunger, like we actually require touch,

but is it more like they're actually craving a deeper intimacy, like someone to call after work, or they want the touch, you know, is it all of it? What does that look like? I think it is both of those things. I think they crave touch, and that is what I was craving. If we're going to peel that layer back a little bit, I think it's that kind of touch with an intimacy

that you can foster with someone that will build into even a friends with benefits. Lots of people saying, no, one night stands. I don't think I saw one that said, it can be for a night or for 10 nights. No one wants a one night stand. I think this is a healthy shift that, that makes sense.

I think maybe before we were seeing more like not looking for anything, just looking for a good time. And now I think people want to sink in a little bit more and think like maybe I do want a relationship. I think we all had time to figure out during the pandemic what we actually want and what we don't want. Did that, was that helpful for you to kind of reframe of being alone?

Did it help you get clear on what you actually do want? Yeah, I wanted two different things. And so I thought I'll go on different apps for different things. So for I thought I'll go on different apps for different things. So for some apps, I went on looking for a continual friend with benefits, something that was consistent, but that where we had a connection, where we could talk, where we were actually friends like, Hey, let's go to movie and then come back to my house and make out that kind of thing. That was very connection, sensual, touch-driven, massage-driven, that kind of thing.

And then I was also looking on other apps for someone to date, maybe a potential relationship or just a dating relationship where it is very much sort of activity-driven. It's interesting. I think people are really craving intimacy and connection, both of which are, can co-mingle, but they're also different. Do you also find that people are looking more for relationships or more friends with benefits? Do you see a difference in that, that people are saying, I actually want a commitment now?

I'm seeing both, but I'm also seeing the people that are asking for friends with benefits, also saying, if it turns into more great. So there's still that sort of, I don't want to commit to be looking for something, but let's fool around for a little bit. It's interesting to think that. So now I'm actually seeing this because there's been a lot more talk about friends with benefits lately. And it's almost like friends with benefits used to be this phrase where I think you were like, oh,

it's somebody I know I could never go the distance with, but let's just be friends and have sex. But now maybe what I'm hearing you say is that it's sort of a safer way to look for commitment. Why don't we just make sure that we want to be friends? Cause that actually is a huge component, I think, of someone you decide to be in a committed relationship with, are you my friend? Meaning not like my best friend, like you,

like I would call every day about every problem, but somebody that you, you make each other the best versions of yourself. You care about each other. You celebrate each other. You actually are good friends and you want to have sex with them. So to find out if someone could actually be your friend and then find out if you want to commit. Is that what you're seeing? Because I feel like in the past it used to be your friends with benefits until you find somebody you actually want to be with.

I think there's a little bit of both. I think the component missing between friends with benefits and dating is the romance component in the middle. So you could have someone that you really enjoy being with and also enjoy fucking, but you don't feel like romantic with them. You're attracted to them sexually attracted to them. You feel close to them intimate with them, but you don't want to be romantic, right? So to me, that is like a friends with benefits. To tell somebody that you want to start out as friends with benefits, or I just want to friends with benefits. To tell somebody that you want to start out as friends with benefits, or I just want a friends with benefits,

is to also not be committed to any sort of romance. Which is very interesting on many different levels, which is, you know, I'm not going to give you any of that stuff. So don't expect it. But doesn't it just happen? What do you think? You hope it happens.

I mean, I think the best advice I got during this time, because my brain tends to immediately go towards, oh gosh, you know, zero to 60, like, oh, I'm attracted. We're getting together. We have good sex. I like them. And gee, what's it gonna be like, you know, next year during the holidays?

And someone said to me recently, you know, having immediate chemistry is not always a telltale sign. That chemistry can grow and you have to really enjoy being with the person. And if you're just not attracted to them and you can't ever see being attracted to them, that's one thing. But if you're like, yeah, they're really nice.

I really enjoy being with them. I'll try a second date. I don't feel the chemistry, but I'll try a second date. And I used to have this thing where it was like a three date rule. You go on a date with someone that you like for three dates. And if you still don't feel a chemistry, then done. Didn't your mother say like the person you get

on your third date? My mom says the issues you have in your third date you have forever. I think that's pretty true. Like I feel like go on two to three dates with someone and you'll know. I think after one date, if you're not sure, go on a second.

But are you saying that that's not your case? Is that still what you do? Three dates? That's what I'm trying to do. I think when I've gone out with people that I didn't have immediate chemistry with, but what I wanted to see again, I've been like, oh, okay.

And I've been more, I think clearer on whether I wanted a romantic relationship or just a friendship with that person. I love that these options are available in the apps that you can actually get more specific. Yeah. Okay. So you've just gotten very clear. You're like a clear vessel.

I am a clear vessel. A clear vessel. Not a Scientologist, but I am a clear vessel. No judgment. I mean, we have a bunch of questions to answer and some of them are about fantasy, but tell me more about this. First of all, there's a great book by Justin Lay Miller called Tell Me What You Want.

We did a great show with him. He goes into, he's like, yeah, it was a great show. And you know, you go off of all of that, but I think a lot of people think, what if I don't have sexual fantasies? And I think I would invite them to think about what is their idea of a sexual fantasy? Are they thinking of a sexual fantasy as some great romance or getting fucked in the bathroom? Maybe you're fantasizing, you don't even realize it. Maybe you're thinking about a past romance dalliance that you had that was really enjoyable. Or maybe you're thinking about what you're going to wear on your date with your partner

and how it will look on you and then how the feeling're going to wear on your date with your partner and how it will look on you and then how the feeling is going to be. And you have to expand your idea of what a fantasy can be because really all it is, is it's an erotic daydream and erotic is subjective. Hmm. This is fascinating. So walk me through it then if you don't mind. I hear what you're saying because I do feel like I was someone who had to really work on fantasies. I remember taking my somatic sex therapy class and there was people in it who were like,

I am mother earth and I'm in the ground. I'm one with the earth. And there's like a whole forest of fairies and they're having sex with me and I become one and the trees come out of my vulva. And I'm like, I just really want to make out somewhere and down in the desert and have some fun. You know what I mean?

Like I'm not fantasizing that I'm one with earth. I'm the same way like I never thought I fantasized and then when I really sort of looked at it I'm like oh yeah I do like I always had to figure out what I was wearing first in the fantasy before I could fantasize so I never thought I fantasized I'm like I can only get as far And then, and then that's it. That's it for me. Dude, that is so funny. You're like, okay, I got the shoes on. What am I wearing? No, tell me more. Cause that is a fantasy. You picture it. Cause you do it anyway. Like I'm always impressed with your outfits and how you always, you always know what you're going to do and where you go. But okay, tell me more about this. For me, for example, I'm an I'm what they call an esthete. I like my aesthetics. I like everything around me to look a certain way. You know, a friend of mine the other day said my house is very well curated. So I like to curate

everything. So I couldn't start a fantasy until I knew what I was wearing and what my surroundings were. And then by then I was bored and asleep. So I think when people are looking for their fantasies or trying to hone in on what they think might start a fantasy is to really get into what your senses are telling you and not just sight, hearing, smelling, all that stuff, but also what is going on in your head. So thinking and what is the context we know from like Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, context is very important for some people. So what's happening in that moment that is erotic or sensual or is curious? And that would be the other thing is to get curious

about your senses, curious about what time of day do you really like going out and walking in because of the smells or whatever. And this all sounds a little up to senesceric. But if you think about it and you write it down in a fantasy journal, you'll start to see a theme. And it might start to draw some really cool fantasies that you never would have had before. Huh. Why do you think fantasies are important? They're important in the same way that daydreaming is important. It gives you a little bit of an escape and it gives you a window into what you need,

what your subconscious needs. So say you're at work and you just keep drifting off and keep thinking about Bora Bora and sitting on a beach with the wind and pina colada and whatever. Obviously, I'm not that imaginative to come up with that one. But you could be telling yourself basically, you need a break. You need to give your brain a break. For sex fantasies, what the experts tend to think is that you're really just sort of telling yourself what you need in that moment or say that you feel like you're not getting something from your partner or you're single

and you're craving connection or touch, and that would be me, then I would be fantasizing about maybe having this huge seduction on a massage table with lots of tactile, you know, like fake fur and oils and a fire and something that's very sensual and very tactile. And if I kept fantasizing about that, my subconscious would be saying to me,

you need to get some touch. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely. Can you give us like a sample journal exercise? The sample exercise I have is to write down all of the senses plus emotions and context and write down all the things that come to mind that you like for each sense. For sight, I like to watch certain types of porn and that will make me think, oh, what kind of porn do I like? Oh, I like massage porn. Right. Oh, massage. That sort of dovetails into touch. Oh yeah, but I also like to have the spa music on when I get a massage. And so that dovetails into what I want to hear. And then it's like, yeah, but I also like my ginger lemongrass candles. Ah, scent. So it's there to jog your memory in many different

ways. And some people may think like, oh, I like to see someone tied up because I like to have control over whether they move or not. That tells you something too. And then you think, Oh, do I use rope? Do I use leather? Do I use nylon? Do I use silk or ribbon? Or it's letting your mind get to that place. It's very meditative and should be done in a meditative, undisturbed place. Well, L let's get into some questions here because we've got a lot of questions from the listeners and we love hearing from them. So this is from Maryann 23 in Switzerland.

Hello, Dr. Emily. I've been single for over a year now. And in that year, I've only had sex once with a friend. The problem I found is I'm no longer interested in having a sexual partner as my sex drive has dropped since being single. And even if I'm horny, I just masturbate as I do it better than anyone else. And it doesn't take me long. Is this normal? I'm worried that if someone

does come into my life I won't even want to have sex. I'm just not that interested. Any tips? Thanks so much. What I would say here is first off we just understand that the reason I want to answer this Alice because like women's sex drive there's so many factors it's so multifaceted it's so complicated it could be stress, anxiety, it could so complicated, it could be stress, anxiety, it could be depression, it could be worry. And I think some understanding our sex drive, it's so complex. You brought up Emily Nagoski's book,

Come As You Are, which is a great book for so many women to read about understanding our sex drive and our desire, the biological components of desire. And it's not just about, well, we're talking about fantasies, erotic fantasies and daydreams are helpful, but I mean, I don't think she should, she's 23 years old, her sex drive is gonna come back.

I love that she's masturbating. What do you think here, Al? Changing sex drive is normal. It waxes and wanes and it changes throughout our lives even when we're not even realizing it. And it's possible that when someone comes along that she vibes with, she'll find that she wants to have partnered sex.

And if she doesn't, that's normal too. I mean, there's no one way to do a sex life, but I wouldn't stress about it. Just follow whatever you want to do right now. And if you meet someone that you are wanting to partner with or in a romantic way, see how it goes. I have a feeling that she'll want to knock boots with whoever she vibes with.

Well, I love what you said about you'll meet that person and you're going to want to have sex with them. Like that just sort of happens. You hear this all the time. People were married for a long time or they're in a relationship like the sex was bad. I never wanted to have sex again. And then lo and behold, they get separate from that partner.

And then they realize it comes back. I know that she's not dating anyone, but I just think that there's a way that she could just honor that right now she's taking time for herself. That's okay. And when you're in the right place at the right time and you're feeling healthy,

like you'll meet someone in the sex drive does wax and wane. Not only through our lifetimes, but throughout our month, throughout the week, minute to minute. Like I was horny and at lunch and now it's dinner and I'm hungry. I think too, if she doesn't feel like she wants to have penetrative sex and she just wants to have hand sex with somebody, or maybe she just wants to be romantic

with somebody and masturbate next to them. You just never know what you're going to be in the mood for. And that's why she shouldn't worry. Whatever she is doing is what she should be doing. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I'd love to also normalize it. Sex isn't just about penetration. We've been saying this for years,

but I really feel like in my recent experiences, I don't know if you've seen this in your dalliances that mutual masturbation is not just like a one-off thing. Like sometimes you're like penetration. The fact that we've centered sex so much on penetration, which for the majority of vulva owners is not even what we want to mutate. I get off, you get off, I get you off, you get me off. Like it's to me that's sex. That's delightful and it's easier. Oh, I got to tell you, Emily, I've had sex recently with somebody

and we don't, I mean, we've had penetrative sex, but really that's like nothing. We really just please each other. And it is so hot and so connective and so intimate and way more interesting than penetrative sex for me. And I think that if we open our brains up a little bit more to that as a possibility of what that main event is, I think we could be a little bit more

sexually satisfied. Yeah, that's definitely what we're trying to do here. I think you're so right. Let's open up our minds to the possibility that penetration is just one item on the menu and that your sex could be explorative. And I love that you're finding someone who just wants to just pleasuring all the hotspots and not having to think about it. It's so boring after a while. Anyway, let's take an email from Kira, 35 in North Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily, I sometimes listen to your podcast and read some of your articles, more specifically the ones my husband sends me.

It's pretty sight on here. A lot of couples listen to the show together. They share insights. I think it can be really helpful. Not every couple realizes how important therapy is yet. I think every couple needs it at some point, but it can be a great starting point to listen together or check out the site.

Anyway, it's very obvious that he has a higher sex drive than I do and we have different blueprints as far as our sexual preferences. My husband's primary fantasy is seeing me engage sexually with another woman. He's gone as far as saying that if we don't continue to push his sexual drive over the course of our marriage and years, he's afraid he will hit a breaking point. Where I struggle is navigating the area of doing things that are comfortable for me while

still helping him achieve his sexual desires. At this point, I cannot fathom bringing someone else into our relationship even just for one sexual experience. I've tried to entertain the idea in the past but when I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I get anxious at the thought of me interacting sexually with anyone male or female. How can we continue to navigate forward if this is a strong desire of his but it's not something I'm comfortable with? I don't feel I should be forced into a sexual situation that's out of my comfort zone, but yet he's basically implying that someday it's going to cause a

problem between us. Help me understand where boundaries should lie and how far you should go to try and please your partner, despite how it may end up making you feel. So essentially, Kira, thank you for your question. Her husband's interested in watching her have sex with another woman. And she's saying that she wants, as other desires, which we're not sure what they are, she's feeling pressure. I feel that they definitely need to be having

some more conversations about her fantasies and her desires. I haven't heard anything about that here. And I would say to him, tell me more about this fantasy. She has to be curious, she has to be light and not judgmental, which I get that that's a fantasy

that could really trigger you. But just say, when do you remember first having this fantasy? Can you paint me a scenario of what this fantasy would look like? Who's the woman? How does it go down? I think sometimes we need a little bit more information rather than I want to watch you

with another woman. So, I think that there's definitely some communication here and I think getting clearer on what he's talking about and then she could get clearer on what she needs. I don't want anyone to ever feel pressure from their partner to do something they don't want to do. I don't want everyone to feel like they have to act on it. We get to be the authors of our own sex life. What do you think here, Al? Well, I think also, yes, and her husband's allowed to have any fantasy he wants to have.

But just because he has a fantasy doesn't mean that he's going to be able to fulfill it. Listen, I want to be the princess of Canada. Not going to happen. You know what I mean? So it's like, but if I wanted to, I could role play it with somebody. You know, role play is a good way to delve into a fantasy that might not be prudent to act on. Finding that middle ground, maybe not inviting a partner in, but maybe watching porn together

that has people as a threesome. Maybe it's fantasizing together, dirty talk together in bed. But my concern is that he was talking about, he doesn't know what's gonna happen if he can't satisfy this fantasy. And to me, that is a relationship issue. That is something you need to see a therapist about. That feels to me like, I need you to do this or else.

And that feels manipulative and it feels unhealthy. It feels like he's trying to get you to do something for him that you don't wanna do. And I'm not about that. So I think it'd be a great idea just to get, have a couple of sessions under your belt about what that means. Yeah, really good point.

That's a really good point. You know, I'm a huge fan of therapy. I think that every couple can benefit from therapy at some point in their life. I'm not a fan of the ult I think that every couple can benefit from therapy at some point in their life. I'm not a fan of the ultimatums and the threats. And if you're in a relationship right now where you're feeling that from your partner, I think it's also important to look at and say,

oh yeah, this is not, I don't have to do this. There's no sex police. They don't have to do whatever my partner wants me to do. I feel like here also, if you take a look into your relationship, I have a hunch that maybe there's other areas of their relationship where he might be putting out these ultimatums, that there might be other ways,

like this probably starts in the bedroom. Like if you don't do this, then you know, I'm not gonna pay for the mortgage or something. So let's just look at that manipulative behavior that you pointed out, Ellen, see if there's other trace of that. And again, a reason why therapy would be so excellent for you both, Kira.

Thanks for your email, Kira. We appreciate it and let us know how it goes. We'll be right back after short break, but first I gotta tell you about Vaya. Did you know the summer months are when people are having the most sex, whether it's a steamy vacation hookup or just time to sneak away

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Hey Dr. Emily, just wondering if you have any fun tips on how to get your man aroused and turned on in a long distance relationship. We have a pretty active sex life whenever we're together. Obviously after months of not seeing each other, we're both horny. But I was wondering if you have any tips on phone sex in sexy long distance relationships. Any advice? It's greatly appreciated. You know, it's such a good time to be in a long distance relationship since smartphones and sex toys that are Bluetooth enabled.

Like I don't know what people did 25 years ago before the smartphone. I guess you would actually talk on the phone and you have a lot of phone sex. But now what? You talk on the phone and you miss him. You write letters. Yeah, people used to do that. But now I feel our faxes and our previous effects. This is kind of an exciting time because we can really engage. You could use FaceTime or Zoom, you can set a real date with your partner

until like eight o'clock. We're gonna each gonna get on the phone. We can have conversations about our sex life. Maybe check out our yes, no maybe list, which you can download on our site. That's all these sex acts on it. So if you've been trying to figure out like what to do in the bedroom

or what you wanna do next time you see him, this is a great way to get you guys excited for it. And if you do a yes to maybe less, it's like group sex, hair pulling, handcuffs, you know, is it a yes, lap dancing, licking, making out, is it a yes, is it a no, is it a maybe. And I just love the idea of couples who are long distance, having conversations that will set the stage

for when they see each other again. But also, I mean, you can watch porn together. You can, I mean, Elle, what do you, give me some of your long distance sexy tips. I like talking to your partner, telling them what you would make them do to you. Ooh. And what you would do to them if you were there.

Directly. Give me more about that. What, like? I feel like you're good at this. You're good at the texting and the talking. Thank you. Yeah, like how do you... Like if I was there right now... Give me some ideas. I was there right now.

Where are you? Oh, I'm in the hotel room laying down on the bed. Okay. If I were there, I would come in and I'd be wearing this and then I'd walk over to you and I'd start to... Always do what you're wearing. I gotta know what I'm wearing, man. And yeah, I'd be wearing this agent provocateur,

little outfit, and I come in and then you can tell your partner what you would do to them, how you know they like to be touched and then really get into the minutia of touching that person. So if you're gonna touch their hand, you can say, I'm gonna take my right hand,

I'm gonna touch your hand and I'm gonna go up and down from the knuckle to the top knuckle to the bottom knuckle to in between the fingers, like get as detailed as possible. And when you are doing this time, or you can even say to them put your finger where I'm going to be touching you and put your finger on your middle knuckle and have it go down all the way to your wrist and then turn around your wrist. Like really direct them, direct your own sort of porn as if you were there. Ask them to describe what they want you to do. I'd want you to come and sit on my face. Really? Okay. Well, so if I came and I sat on your face, I would come over and I'd be wearing this and then I would str straddle. And there are all those different ways you can just sort of describe, get into the description. And again, the senses, the, you know, what are you seeing?

What are you hearing? All those things bring someone's imagination right into it with you and with your voice. It can be really, really erotic. And they could do this on Zoom or on FaceTime. They can talk about, she could send it in text on the phone. She could be right now looking at you, laid down on the bed. And they could do this on Zoom or on FaceTime. They can talk about it. She could send it in text on the phone. She could be right now looking at you laid down on the bed. She could even dress up too.

You could even dress up in those things that you want to wear next time you see them. Like, I'm gonna wear this next time we see each other. I think that couples think that like you go right to like, right into the sex, you're like, oh, I don't know if I could ever do that. It's like, no, it's just like any kind of sex. You don't go from right into the sex.

You don't show up naked, like undress each other. Yeah, to be perfectly honest, if you don't wanna masturbate on camera with your partner, that's embarrassing. That isn't also the definition of like video sex or phone sex. You can literally just talk to each other about what you wanna do to each other

the next time you see each other. It doesn't even have to be that visual. I grew up in a time back in the olden days when you would call like a 900 number and there would be like a 60 second little story about what someone wants to do to you and you would masturbate to it and then hang up. It'd be like 299. And I got in trouble for putting that in the phone bill when I was a kid. So at any rate, it's enough to hear it. It's enough to start the imagination going because the imagination is where it all starts happening anyway. It's so true.

It's so active. The imagination is where this magic happens. You get to create it together, describing what you want to do, setting the groundwork. I love the idea of setting a date one night. Maybe they're drinking a glass of wine or they're each having a meal, but they could do something like the yes, no, maybe that gets couples talking. They could even share some memorable times they've had sex, fantasize together. And then you could also both mutually masturbate together. Remember, you don't have to show your genitals. You can just show your face or you can show your genitals, not your face if you're

uncomfortable with that. And also there's some great toys. Wevibe makes a lot of toys. Your partner can actually control it on video from wherever you are. A lot of the Wevibe toys have access or through the phone. Those are some great tips. Thank you. Thanks, Taylor. Hot sex in your future. This is from Steve 31 in Los Angeles. Hi, Dr. Emily. I enjoy your podcast and find your product recommendations useful. I've always had a thing for watching women get their hair cut off. I've had this as far back as I can remember going back to pre-adolescence. I have no desire to cut a woman's hair myself and actually don't like women with short hair. I just like watching. Never said it was logical.

I know this is not that unusual as there are dozens of websites that cater to this. Never told anyone about this till I'm mid-20s. I decided to go to sex therapist and she said, nothing wrong with it. It's harmless. I should enjoy it. She also gave me tips for bringing it up to a partner. So I brought up to a partner and I thought it was thoughtful

and I thought I did it in no obligation way. But then she woke up in the morning and said she wasn't into it and was afraid that she'd wake up one day with a shaved head. I tried to explain to her that that wasn't how it works and it was over. Then I went to another sex therapist. Look at him. He's really trying.

Yeah, I'm not kidding. I went to another sex therapist who gave me better advice through role playing. So then I found myself in another relationship, brought it up. She seemed okay. She let me include the videos in our play, but after a couple of weeks she said she couldn't process it. She wanted me to be attracted to her and not the videos So he said essentially he has a sounds like it might be a fetish for which means it's a requirement for him to be aroused For watching when we get our hair cut and that is what turns him on

He's already lost two relationships question is should I keep trying or go back to keeping it a secret? Thanks so much If you answer on your show, let me know. We're going to let you know because you've got not one but two sex educator brains here helping you. So this is a fantasy. It's a well-known fantasy or fetish where it's essentially about, it's a requirement for him to be aroused. He's watching these videos and he's not saying he wants to wake up and cut someone's hair

and it's just something that's an important part of his eroticism and he needs this sexuality. And I can also see that there's his partner, sounds like he's with women that don't understand it. And I think it's about communication. A lot of times we just don't know how to communicate it because first off, it could be a fantasy about threesomes, but this is a little bit different. This is a little bit like extreme to Benny.

And so he seems a little bit happier finessing his words. How would we help him out here, do it a little bit different. This is a little bit like extreme to Benny. And so he seems a little bit happier finessing his words. How would we help him out here, do it a little bit differently? Talk about a little bit, because I don't think you should hide it and go be secret. No, I mean, listen, it's a fantasy. It sounds like he wants to tell these partners.

It's fantasy, it can certainly never be acted upon or you never have to tell anyone your fantasy, but it sounds like he wants to. And I think the communication you're right is key here and how it's put, letting them know it's just a fantasy that he likes to watch, likes to see getting hair cut off. So it makes me think that maybe one of his partners had thought that he wanted to cut hair off. So maybe really making it clear it is just a type of porn that turns him on. It's just a fantasy that turns him on

that he has no interest in acting it out. That being said, it might be helpful to start a fun discussion outside of the bedroom of fantasies that your partner has that they might want to act out or might wanna discuss and bring it up in that sort of context that you have this delight in seeing someone get their hair cut. It's just something you know that you don't want to act on but that you just like it. If it is a fetish, something you

need in order to have sex and get turned on, then that is something you need to talk to your partner about and to talk about different ways that it can be incorporated. Maybe some dirty talk, some role playing, some watching the porn together. If it is not a fetish and it is just a kink, think about it as an addendum to a healthy sex life with your partner and explain it to them that way. Yeah, and addendum, like it's just sort of like,

here's some of the things I'm into, what are you into? And maybe they could download your fantasy program and figure out what his partner's fantasies are, because the truth is, Steve, if you find a partner, which you will, that also feels that her fantasies are being prioritized and understood and maybe developed if she doesn't have fantasies, she'll feel just as engaged.

She'll be like, okay, I get it. Now is time for your fantasy. Let's watch your stuff. And now here's what I'm into. And if you're both getting your needs met, you're both having pleasure, it feels good to both of you. I think that it won't be a matter that you're thinking about hair cutting or hair pulling

or hair worship, whatever it is, it won't matter as long as you're both deeply and equally engaged in being turned on and getting your needs met. And showing your partner too that you're also there for them. Here you are divulging this really private part of yourself. You're being intimate with them and showing them a part of you that you don't show everyone,

but that you want to be there for them in that context as well. And then also like when dating, this would be a good thing to bring up, not in full, but just bring up, you know, I have some unusual kinks. So that you know that you're dating someone that is kink friendly or fetish friendly, someone who is at least going to respond to you in a way that is accepting, even if they don't want to partake in it.

I love what you said there, because now what I'm picturing is he's just trying to get this off his chest. He's saying, I got to talk to you. I have this fantasy. Here's the videos. Are you down? But a way to kind of pull back on that is say, you know what, I've found that in the relationships I'm in

that are successful, or maybe I just want to explore being more open about what I'm into sexually, is it's the thing you're into. I realized in my past relationships, when I didn't do that, it wasn't helpful. And then you start top level, ask them what are they into, what turns them on? You could share some things that you're into

and you don't have to lead with the hair cutting. Maybe there's other things you're interested in too. I really get off on eye contact. I really get off, I get off knowing what your fantasies are. I mean, I've been with lovers who are like, I get turned out when you're turned on, Emily. Tell me what your turn ons are.

Like that's really hot to have a partner that's engaged. So again, maybe you start with more top level than going right into, this is what I need. I'm telling you what I need. Will you love me? Will you accept me? Because I need to watch videos of cutting hair. Now let's have it be a larger conversation and then vet people that you're with.

Listen, Elle does this too. We would not be with someone at this point in our lives, Elle, you can agree with it, that is not into talking about sex. It's just a deal breaker. No. Or open about it. Open, open, curious, sex positive, exploratory. I could not even date, no, I wouldn't go on one date with someone.

I know you don't always know that and you can't always figure it out, but I would find pretty quickly, they might not go out with sex educators, who knows? But at this point we get to be our own, we get to vet people because they probably wouldn't come through our door if they knew what we did.

That's a big thing. This is a big part of his life. He's seen two sex therapists or a sex therapist about it. That is something you put in your profile, not that you'd like to watch hair cutting videos, but like kink positive, sex positive, open-minded, the keywords for the people that you want to attract to you. And so when you go out with them,

I don't tell anybody I'm a sex educator for a while because it usually brings up a bunch of stuff. Then when I do, I can see how they react to it. And if they're like, oh boy, I bet you get a lot of action. Like, see ya, goodbye. So you know who you're getting is what I'm saying. Exactly. I love this, Al, I love this putting the things

open-minded, curious, sex-positive, put that in your profile and see. And the people like turned, curious, sex-positive, put that in your profile and see. And the people are like turned off because you're like, sex-positive, what does that mean? Guess what, Steve, not your people. Tori28 in Iowa. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend's really loving and attentive in bed. However, he always says he prefers the front half of me and looking at my face.

At the beginning of the relationship, he didn't even like to spoon me and only wanted to snuggle face to face. I'm generally happy, but sometimes in the mood to have doggy style sex. He tries sometimes, but it isn't something he likes to do. So it doesn't go very well. He always says he thinks butts in general are gross and not hygienic.

It makes me feel rejected. What should I do? Elle, this reminds me of also of your book, Curvy Girl Sex. I'm sure that we, there might be some stuff here about that. Like I feel like if someone told me they only like looking at my eyes or they like looking only looking at my elbow or my left breast or anything, I would feel not seen. I wouldn't feel whole. I'm hearing some red flags here, like just about him not accepting all of her. I'm gonna validate here what Tory's feeling because I think that you probably don't feel seen.

You would feel rejected and you probably don't feel as confident being with him. It's that kind. Yeah, it feels to me like when you're in a relationship working with someone's shame can be challenging. And it sounds like he has a lot of shame and preconceived judgments about the butt area. I just want her to realize that it's not a her problem.

This is his shame problem. It sounds like his issue with butts is general, but maybe you can explain to him how you feel about it. Just like, you know, this is just a part of the human body and this is a part of who I am. Also, we're always having sex and doing stuff with our partners. And sometimes we'd like things more than others.

And listen, I like some positions better than others. And maybe my partner likes something that I don't like as much, but I do it because it makes them happy. And you know what? It's still all together, it's sex. It's good. It's fun. Right.

So maybe think about talking to him and see if he could try and get into the idea of it. Just being making you happy, giving you pleasure and less about the vision of having the butt being this bad space. Yeah, absolutely. What you're saying is that in relationships, it's all like kind of a give and take and him kind of hearing more about what she requires and what she needs. He's essentially saying, I'm only having sex with you in this one place in this one position. And is he willing to kind of open up and expand his definition of sex and grow?

And I'm not sure that this is your boyfriend right now, but I'd like to be open and think that if you could talk to him outside the bedroom and just say, you know, let's talk about our sex life. Start with some things that you really like about it. And it's also, I find it's important for me to have more variety. That's really important part of my eroticism

and my sexuality. And would you be open to playing around and doing more things? And then you have to listen, because he's probably gonna say, no, I told you, I think butts are gross. And then you could say, yeah, I know you said that. Tell me more, where did that come from?

And you might find that there's a story. Maybe he got shamed, maybe something happened to him. And this is where the juice is. This is where the magic happens, when we can actually really listen. Remember you guys, most of what healthy communication isn't even about what we say. It's our tone, it's our body language, it's eye contact and just saying, babe, you can

put your hand on his arm and say, oh yeah, well, maybe you could tell me more about what it is about the butt that doesn't feel good. Empathy. When he feels seen in his shame about the butt, right, is feeling that you're empathizing with that, then maybe that opens that container, that safe container to talk about, why don't we do this? Maybe you can dig into that a little bit more and see if we can sort of divorce that idea a little bit

or work on divorcing that idea a little bit from our sex play. And I'll go slower as far as wanting to do, you know, doggy style or whatever, but maybe we can come together and work on some sort of compromise because I really need to be seen. And I know that you have an issue in this area. So that empathy creates a curiosity. I would do that if my partner said it's just to hear the way you say it, Elle. Okay. Thank

you. That's really helpful. Let's see, you guys were really just talking about healthy communication here and it's a skill set. This is from jolee25 in Colorado. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've never been able to orgasm with a partner, solo, yes. It's the pressure of orgasm being the end goal and thinking I take too long. Recently, I started sleeping with someone and faking orgasms with them.

We've been seeing each other for about a month now. They prioritize my pleasure in bed and are very enthusiastic about pleasuring me. I know they want me to enjoy myself during sex and I want to try to actually orgasm with them but I don't know how to because I started the relationship off with faking them. I've been here, Chely. Now they think I regularly orgasm with them. How do I tell them I've been faking without hurting their feelings?

Do I even tell them I've been faking? Please help me figure out my way out of this tangled web I've created and find power in my orgasmic self. Ha ha. 25 year old Jolie, I love it too. Jolie, I was with you. I faked orgasms when I was your age. I always wondered if my boyfriend, now that they're listening, but my boyfriend from then might be like, really? I would tell them. I didn't know either. And you're not alone, Julie. So many of us feel this pressure, this pressure cooker to orgasm, and someone's watching you and there's a time clock.

It seems like many times if you're with a penis owner, they come quicker and does take lova owners anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes orgasm. It's a whole thing, but it's a learning process. My recommendation for you is to just have a conversation about your sex life with your partner, this new guy outside the bedroom, and just say, I'd love to have a conversation about your sex life with your partner, this new guy outside the bedroom, and just say, I'd love to talk to you about our sex life, some things that you really like,

and say, I actually really want to work on expanding my own pleasure and my own arousal. And I love being with someone like you who's so into my pleasure, and what you're doing feels great. I love that you start slow. I love the way you use your fingers. I love whatever he's doing, the things that you like. And say, but sometimes I'm still exploring my body, which you would be at 25, well, let's be honest,

at any age and say, would you be willing to do some exploring with me? Can we start slow? I wanna show you some things that I've learned during masturbation that feel very good to me. And you feel like a trusted partner. Would you be willing to go on this journey? And I would love to show you some things I'm learning.

Would you go slow with me, be patient? Bring them along for the ride. What do you think, Al? Yeah, that's basically exactly what I was going to say. Sounds like you've a partner really wants you to be pleasured and also, you know, sometimes there are people that can orgasm in many different ways. And so you can also say to your partner, listen, sex with you, you never have to tell them that you've been faking it

if you don't want to. Just if you don't want to tell them that, just don't. You can just not lie, but tell them that, you know, you can come in many different ways and you want to try different ways. And the way that you've been coming lately is getting less interesting and that through your own self-exploration, you've discovered other ways and other parts of your vulva and your vagina and your clitoris and whatever that you like touched and touched in different ways. And again, like you were saying, Emily, you know, would you go on that journey with me?

Would you help explore with me? You could even do mutual masturbation, ask him to watch you masturbate, to show him how you like to come in certain ways, either with your hands or with a toy, or actually maybe just say, I'm going to show you how I like to masturbate with my hands, and then will you put your fingers down there and do it with me? Put your fingers on top of my fingers and do it with me so I can show you what I like. There's many different ways to

do that, and I think what Emily said is a really good way to go about it. All partners want to please us. We are good partners that we want to be with, want to be good lovers to us. They want to figure out what we like. And so let's give them the benefit of the doubt here. So I think you got this one. Thank you so much, Al Chase.

I love having you here. I want to ask you the five quickie questions we asked all our guests. I haven't asked you them in a while. They're very quick. Okay. Don't overthink. Okay, I'll try not to overthink them.

Now I have to figure out what I'm wearing first. Okay, now I'm fine. Okay. These are quickies. All right. Biggest turn on? Communication. Biggest turn off?

Hubris. What makes good sex? Vulnerability. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Relax. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex?

Fit is not lube. I love you so much. Elle, where can people find you? What's going on? Tell me all the things. I'm on Instagram all the time. So the ElleChase at Instagram. That's also my handle handle all the other social medias and Lchase.com. Thank you for being here Al. Thank you Emily. That's it for today's episode see you on Tuesday thanks for listening

to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

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