Sex With Emily - Fire Up Your Fantasies w/ Elle Chase

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

Sexual fantasies give us a window into what we need: a type of touch, a type of power, or even a type of person. But what if you’re one of those people who’s like: “I don’t know how to fantasize, Emily?” Then look no further than sex educator and author of Curvy Girl Sex Elle Chase. Elle joins me to talk about cultivating your erotic daydreams, what your fantasies say about your desire style, and how to turn a common fantasy into a reality: finding a friend with benefits.  Plus, we take your questions! How to respond to a partner who desperately wants to watch you have sex with another (but you’re not so into it), what to say to a partner who thinks butts are gross, how to talk about your kink to a new partner and much more. For More Elle Chase: Website | Twitter | Instagram | FacebookElle’s Naughty Coloring Book | Curvy Girl Sex by Elle Chase | Elle’s Fantasy Course Show Notes:Tell Me What You Want by Justin LehmillerCome As You Are by Emily NagoskiThe Yes No Maybe List  We Vibe Toys Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Having a media chemistry is not always a tell-tale sign. The chemistry can grow and you have to really enjoy being with the person. And if you're just not attracted to them, you can't ever see being attracted to them. That's one thing. But if you're like, yeah, they're really nice. I really enjoy being with them. I'll try a second date. I don't feel like chemistry, but I'll try a second date.

And I used to have this thing where it was like a three-day rule. You go on a date with someone that you like for three dates, and if you still don't feel a chemistry, then... Okay. Done. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Sexual fantasies.

What are they all about? Well, they give us a window into what we need. Maybe it's a type of touch, a type of power, or even a type of person. But what if you're one of those people who was like, I don't know how to fantasize Emily? I don't have any fantasies. Well, today's episode is here to help you.

Cause listen, having a rich fantasy life is part of being sexually healthy overall. It's important. I'm joined by sex educator and author of Curvy Girl Sex, LChase. We talk about cultivating your erotic daydreams, what your fantasies say about your desire style, and how to turn a common fantasy into a reality, finding a friends with benefits. Do a lot of you have that fantasy? It's way more common these days.

Plus, we take your questions. How to respond to a partner who desperately wants to watch you sex with another. But you're not so into it. What to say to a partner who thinks butts are gross? How to talk about your cake to a new partner and so much more? Alright, intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show.

I do it, I encourage you to do the same, and really this helps you ground in, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? Well, my intention is to help you get curious about your sexual fantasies. And listen, I was one of those people who had a hard time fantasizing back in the day. So if you're anything like me,

this episode is for you, because by the end, we'll all be flexing our erotic imaginations. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Ask Emily, how can I be more confident in the bedroom? Is up at sexwithemley.com.

Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. You want to ask me a question? Call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Just leave me your questions or message me sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And just a reminder, include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Oh, you can totally change your name if you want to remain anonymous. That's cool too. Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode.

L-Chase is a certified sex educator, writer, and one of the most respected voices in the body acceptance and body neutrality movement. In addition to her book, Curvy Girl Sex, her writing is a period in Teen Vogue, Cosm Palatin, and Huffington Post. She's the author of two naughty coloring books, and she was even the subject of an acclaimed documentary inside her sex, focusing on the complexity of female sexuality. Find more L at lchase.com or on Instagram at the L Chase.

So L, I wanted to have you on today because it's been a while and I love you. And there's just been a lot going on in your life, but I just wanted to catch up. And so tell me a little bit about what you're excited about these days. Well, there are a few things. I just recorded a whole sort of sex fantasies 101 for this app called Mjoy. It sort of talked me through how to discover your fantasies. If you don't think you have fantasies, how do you communicate them with your partner, how you discover them on your, if you're just playing with yourself, all that kind of stuff. It's a great app and I really, really love it. So I just did a deep dive into that. But also I started dating like for the first time since the pandemic. And what are we talking like two years? I'd love to take my listeners deep into fantasies. We hear from people all the time, I don't have a fantasy or my partner fantasizes and I don't.

Or what does their fantasy mean? So I'd love to go a little bit deeper into how people can start to cultivate a rich fantasy life. But first since we're catching up, I think it's also equally important. Two years, not dating. And now pandemic over talked to me about what's been going on your journey with dating again. Want to before the pandemic, I just didn't have the energy to do it to be perfectly honest. And then during the pandemic, it's like, eh, to be perfectly honest. And during the pandemic, it's like, eh, and then after, I mean, we're in that sort of after stage, I was like, I want touch. I want connection with somebody,

even if it's not someone I'm super intimate with that I want to go out on the date. So I started on all of the apps. What's really interesting that I found is that no matter what app you're on, I am queer, but I'm date'm date men and cis men usually and what I found is everybody is looking for connection. Everybody wants some sort of connection and it's not just like, hey, hit me up for sex, which there's that too. But it's I'm looking for connection,

I'm open to whatever, you know, let's start out as friends, that kind of thing. But it's I'm looking for connection. I'm open to whatever, you know, let's start out as friends, that kind of thing. But connection is the big sort of buzz word in my opinion, what I found on all of the apps, which I think is interesting. Tell me more about connection. Do you think it's more like they're just craving touch as well, which I understand we talked a lot during the pandemic about just personally skin hunger, skin hunger, like we actually require touch, but is it more like they're actually craving and deeper intimacy like someone to call after work or they want the top, you know, is it all of it? What does that look like?

I think it is both of those things. I think they crave touch. And that is what I was craving. If we're going to peel that layer back a little bit, I think it's that kind of touch with an intimacy that you can foster with someone that will build into even a friends with benefits. Lots of people saying no one night stands. I don't think I saw one that said, you know, it can be for a night or for 10 nights. No one wants a one night stand. And that could also be part of the whole pandemic thing and not wanting to share space with somebody multiple people that you don't know.

I think this is a healthy shift that, you know, that makes sense. I think before the pandemic, we were seeing more like not looking for anything, just looking for a good time. And now I think people want to sink in a little bit more and think like maybe I do want a relationship. I think we all had time to figure out during the pandemic what we actually want and what we don't want. Do that, was that helpful for you to kind of reframe of being alone during the pandemic? Did it have you get clear

on what you actually do want? Yeah. I wanted two different things. And so I thought I'll go on different apps for different things. So for some apps I went on looking for a continual friend with benefits, something that was consistent, but that where we had a connection, where we could talk, where we were actually friends, like, hey, let's go to movie and then come back to my house and make out, that kind of thing.

That was very connection, sensual touch-driven, massage-driven, that kind of thing. And then I was also looking on other apps for someone to date, maybe a potential relationship, or just a dating relationship where it is very much sort of activity driven. It's interesting. In some ways, it's very much like it was before the pandemic, but I think people are really craving intimacy and connection. Both of which are can commingle, but they're also different.

Do you also find that people are looking more for, for relationships or more friends with benefits? Does it, do you see a difference in that that people are saying I actually want to commit them now? I'm seeing both. But I'm also seeing the people that are asking for friends with benefits, also saying if it turns into more great. So there's still that sort of, I don't want to commit to be looking for something, but let's

fool around for a little bit. It's interesting to think that so now I'm actually seeing this because there's been a lot more talk about friends with benefits lately and it's almost like, friends with benefits used to be this phrase where I think you were like, oh, well, to somebody I know I could never grow the distance with, but let's just be friends and have sex. But now maybe what I'm hearing you say is that it's sort of a safer way to look for commitment. Why don't we just make sure that we want to be friends? Because that actually is a huge component. I think if someone you decide to be in

a committive relationship with, are you my friend? Meaning not like my best friend, like you, I would call every day about every problem, but somebody that you make each other the best versions of yourself, you care about each other, you celebrate each other, you are actually our good friends and you want to have sex with them. So to find out if someone could actually be your friend and then find out if you want to commit, like, is that what you're seeing? Because I feel like in the past it used to be your friends with benefits until you find somebody you actually want to be with. I think there's a little bit of both. I think the component missing between friends with

benefits and dating is the romance component in the middle. So you can have someone that you really enjoy being with and also enjoy fucking, but you don't feel like romantic with them. You're attracted to them, sexually attracted to them, you feel close to them, intimate with them, but you don't want to be romantic, right? So to me, that is like a friends with benefits.

To tell somebody that you want to start out as friends with benefits, or I just want a friends with benefits is to also not be committed to any sort of romance. We could very interesting on many different levels, which is, you know, I'm not going to give you any of that stuff. So don't expect it. But doesn't it just happen that yeah, what do you think? You hope it happens. I mean, I think the best advice I got during this time because my brain tends to immediately go towards, oh gosh, you know, zero to 60. Like, oh, I'm attracted.

We're getting together. We have good sex. I like them. And gee, what's it gonna be like, you know, next year during the holidays? And someone said to me recently, you know, having immediate chemistry is not always a telltale sign. That chemistry can grow and you have to really enjoy

being with the person. And if you're just not attracted to them, you can't ever see being attracted to them. That's one thing. But if you're like, yeah, they're really nice. I really enjoy being with them. I'll try a second date. I don't feel the chemistry, but I'll try a second date.

And I used to have this thing where it was like a three-day rule. You go on a date with someone that you like for three dates, and if you still don't feel a chemistry, then done. Did your mother say like the person you get on your third date? My mom says the issues you have in your third date you have forever. I think that's pretty true. Like I feel like go on two to three dates to someone and you'll know. I think after one date, if you're not sure, go on a second.

But are you saying that that's not your case? Is that still what you do? Three dates? That's what I'm trying to do. I think when I've gone out with people that I didn't have a media chemistry with, but what I wanted to see again, I've been like, oh, okay, and I've been more, I've been clearer on whether I wanted a romantic relationship or just a friendship.

I love that these options are available now on the app so you can actually get more specific. Yeah. Okay. So you've gotten very clear. You're like a clear vessel. I'm a clear vessel. A clear vessel. Not a sign of polydust, but I'm a clear vessel.

No judgment. I mean, we have a bunch of questions to answer. And some of them are about fantasy, but I really want to hear about your series you did for M. Joy. Tell me more about this. When I was doing research for this, first of all, there's a great book by Justin Lay Miller called Tell Me What You Want. We did a great show with him. He goes into, he's like, he's amazing. Yeah, it was a great show. And, you know, you go off the wall of that, but I think a lot of people think, well, what if I don't have sexual fantasies? And I think I would invite them to think about what is their idea of a sexual fantasy? Are they thinking of a

sexual fantasy as some great romance or getting fucked into the bathroom? Maybe you're fantasizing, you don't even realize it. Maybe you're thinking about a past romance, dalliance that you had that was really enjoyable, or maybe you're thinking about what you're going to wear on your date with your partner and how it will look on you and then how the feeling is going to be and you have to expand your idea of what a fantasy can be because really all it is is it's an erotic daydream and an erotic is fascinating. So walk me through it then. If you don't mind, we should all check out the app But I hear what you're saying because I do feel like I was someone who had to really work on fantasies I remember taking my somatic sex therapy class and there was people in it who are like I am mother earth and I'm in the ground I'm one with the earth and there's like a whole forest of fairies and they're having sex with me And I become one and the trees come out of my vulva and I'm like I just really want to make out somewhere and down the desert and have some what you know

to me like I'm not fantasizing that I'm one with earth. I'm the same way like I never thought I fantasized and then when I really sort of looked at it I'm like oh yeah I do like I always had to figure out what I was wearing first in the fantasy before I could fantasize so I never thought I fantasized. I'm like, I can only get as far as my shoes. And then that's it. That's it for me. Ha ha ha ha. Dude, that is so funny. You're like, okay, I got the shoes on.

What am I wearing? No, tell me more, because that is a fantasy. You picture it, because you do that anyway. Like I'm always impressed with your outfits and how you always know what you're gonna do and where you go. But okay, tell I'm always impressed with your outfits and how you always, you always know what you're going to do and where you go. But okay, tell me more about this. For me, for example, I'm in, I, what they call an esti, I like my aesthetics.

I like everything around me to look a certain way, you know, a friend of mine the other day said, my house is very well curated. So I like to curate everything. So I couldn't start a fantasy until I knew what I was wearing and what my surroundings were. And then by then what I was wearing and what my surroundings were. And then by then I was bored and asleep. So I think when people are looking for their fantasies, they're trying to hone in on what

they think might start a fantasy is to really get into what your senses are telling you. And not just sight, hearing, smelly, all that stuff, but also what is going on in your head? So thinking and what is the context? We know from like Emily Nagaski's book, come as you are, context is very important for some people. So what's happening in that moment that is erotic or sensual or is curious. And that would be the other thing is to get curious about your senses. Curious about what time of day do you really like going out and walking in because of the smells or whatever. And this all sounds a little obtuse and esoteric. But if you think about it and you write it down in a fantasy journal, which I tell people on the app, you'll start to see a theme. And it might start to draw some really cool fantasies that you never would have had before

Do you mind giving a little teaser into a fantasy? How's that work a fantasy journalist whenever you can put something erotic? You write down it. No, it's a journal. I asked people to start the beginning of these five sessions in this Discovering your sexual fantasies and at the end of each session I asked them to do a couple of exercises that I want everyone to check that out. How do you spell EMJ O Y? EMJ O Y. And it's an app you can get from the app store I'm assuming. Great. You look for L Chase. Why do you think fantasies are important? They're important in the same way that that day dreaming is important. It gives you a little bit

of an escape and it gives you a window into what you need, what your subconscious needs. So say you're at work and you just keep drifting off and keep thinking about Borabora and sitting on a beach with the wind and a pinakalata and whatever. Obviously, I'm not that imaginative to come up with that one. But you can be telling yourself, basically, you need a break. You need to give your brain a break.

For six fantasies, what the experts tend to think is that you're really just sort of telling yourself what you need in that moment or say that you feel like you're not getting something from your partner or you're single and you're craving connection or touch. And that would be me. Then I would be fantasizing about maybe having this huge seduction on a massage table with lots of tactile fake fur and oils and a fire and something that's very sensual and very tactile. And if I kept fantasizing about that,

my subconscious would be saying to me, you need to get some touch. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely. Can you give us like a sample journal exercise? The sample exercise I have for one of these sessions is to write down all of the senses plus emotions and context. And write down all the things that come to mind that you like for each sense, for sight. I like to watch certain types of porn. And that will make me think, oh, what kind of porn do I like? Oh, I like massage porn, right? Oh, massage, that sort of dovetails into, into touch.

Oh, yeah, but I also like to have the spa music on when I get a massage. And so that dovetails into what I want to hear. And then it's like, yeah, but I also like my ginger lemon grass candles, ah, sent. So it's there to jog your memory in many different ways. And some people may think like, Oh, I like to see someone tied up because I like to have control over whether they move or not. That tells you something too. And then you think, Oh, do I use rope? Do I use leather? Do I use nylon? Do I use silk or ribbon?

Or it's letting your mind get to that place. It's very meditative and should be done in a meditative undisturbed place. Well, El, let's give it some questions here, because we've got a lot of questions from the listeners and we love hearing from them. So this is from Mary Ann 23 in Switzerland. Hello, Dr. Emily. I've been single for over a year now and in that year, I've only had sex once with a friend.

Proud my phone is I'm no longer interested in having a sexual partner as my sex drive has dropped since being single and even if I'm horny, I just masturbate as I do it better than anyone else and it doesn't take me long. Is this normal? I'm worried that if someone does come into my life, I won't even want to have sex. I'm just not that interested. Any tips? Thanks so much. What I would say here is first off, we just understand and the reason I want to answer this, Alice,

because like women's sex drive, there's so many factors. It's so multifaceted. It's so complicated. It could be stress, anxiety, it could be depression, it could be worry, it could be, it could be that you're alone in the pandemic. Anything sent to understanding our sex drive, it's so complex. You brought up Emily Nugaski's book, Come As You Are,

which is a great book for so many women to read about understanding our sex drive and our desire, the biological components of desire. And it's not just about, well, we talk about fantasies, erotic fantasies and daydreams are helpful, but I mean, I don't think she should, she's 23 years old, her sex side is going to come back. I love it. She's masturbating. What do you think here, Elle?

Changing sex drive is normal. It waxes and wanes and it changes throughout our lives and even when we're not even realizing it. And it's possible that when someone comes along that she vibes with, she'll find that she wants to have partnered sex. And if she doesn't, that's normal too. I mean, there's no one way to do a sex life, but I wouldn't stress about it. Just follow whatever you want to do right now. And if you meet someone that you are wanting to partner with or in a romantic way, see how it goes.

I have a feeling that she'll want to knock boots with whoever she vibes with. Well, I love what you said about you'll meet that person and you're going to want to have sex with them. Like that just sort of happened. You hear this all the time people were married for a long time or they're in a relationship with like the sex is bad. I never wanted to sex again and then low and do a hold. They get separate from that partner and then they realize it comes back. I know she's not dating anyone, but I just think that there's a way that she could just honor that right now.

She's taking time for herself. That's okay. And when you're in the right place at the right time and you're feeling healthy, like you'll meet someone in the sex drive does wax and wane. Not only like through our lifetimes, but throughout our month, throughout the week.

I mean, it's a minute. Like I was horny and lunch and now it's dinner and I'm hungry. I think too, if she doesn't feel like she wants to have penetrative sex and she just wants to have a handsex with somebody or maybe she just wants to be romantic with somebody and masturbate next to them, you just never know what you're gonna be in the mood for

and that's why she shouldn't worry. Whenever she is doing is what she should be doing. Yeah, Al, that makes a lot of sense. I'd love to also normalize that sex isn't just about penetration. We've been saying this for years, but I really feel like in my recent experiences, I don't know if you've seen this in your dalliances, that mutual masturbation is not just like a one-off thing. Sometimes you're like penetration, the fact that we've centered sex so much on penetration, which for the majority of vulva owners is not even what we want to mute to the, I get off, you get off, I get you off, you get me off, like it's to me that sex, that's delightful, and it's easier.

Oh, I got to tell you, Emily, I've had sex recently with somebody and we don't, I mean, we've had penetrative sex, but really that's like nothing. We really just please each other. And it is so hot and so connective and so intimate and way more interesting than penetrative sex for me. And I think that if we open our brains up a little bit more to that as a possibility of what that main event is, I think we could be a little bit more sexually satisfied. Yeah, that's definitely what we're trying to do here. I think you're so right.

Like, open up our minds, the possibility that penetration is just one item on the menu and that your sex could be explorative. And I love that you're finding someone who just wants to just pleasureing all the hotspots and not having to think about it. It's just, it goes to vagina. So boring after a while. Anyway, let's take an email from Kira, 35 in North Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily, I sometimes listen to your podcast and read some of your articles more

specifically the ones my husband sends me. It's pretty exciting. I hear a lot of couples listen to the show together, they share insights, I think it can be really helpful. Not every couple realizes how important therapy is yet. I think every couple needs its endpoint, but it can be a great starting point to listen together or check out the site. Anyway, it's very obvious that he is a higher sex life than I do and we have different blueprints as far as our sexual preferences.

My husband's primary fantasy is seeming engaged sexually with another woman. He's gone as far as saying that if we don't continue to push his sexual drive over the course of our marriage and years, he's afraid he will hit a breaking point. Where eye struggle is navigating the area of doing things that are comfortable for me, while still helping him achieve his sexual desires. At this point, I cannot fathom bringing someone else into our relationship, even just for

one sexual experience. I've tried to entertain the idea in the past when I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I get anxious and thought of me interacting sexually with anyone male or female. How can we continue to navigate forward if this is a strong desire of his, but it's not something I'm comfortable with. I don't feel I should be forced into a sexual situation that's out of my comfort zone, be it is basically implying that someday it's going to cause a problem between us.

Help me understand where boundaries should lie and how far you should go to try and please your partner, despite how it may end up making you feel. So essentially, Kira, thank you for your question. Her husband's interested in watching her of sex with another woman. And she's saying that she wants as other desires, which we're not sure what they are, she's feeling pressure. I feel that they definitely need to be having some more conversations about her fantasies and her desires. I haven't heard anything about that here. And I would say to him, tell me more about this fantasy. She has to be curious, she has to be light and not judgmental, which I get that's a fantasy that could really trigger you. But just say, when do you ever first have in this fantasy? Can you

paint me a scenario of what this fantasy would look like? Who's the woman? How does it go down? Like I think sometimes we need a little bit more information rather than, I want to watch you with another woman. So, I think that there's definitely some communication here and I think getting clearer on what he's at talking about and then she could get clear on what she needs. I don't want anyone to ever feel pressure from their partner to do something they don't want to do.

I don't want anyone to feel like they have to act on it. We get to be the authors of our own sex life, right, Al? What do you think you're Al? Well, I think also, yes. And her husband's allowed to have any fantasy he wants to have. But just because he has a fantasy, doesn't mean that he's going to be able to fulfill it. Listen, I want to be the princess of Canada.

Not going to happen. I mean, so it's like, but if I wanted to, I could role-play it with somebody. You know, role-play is a good way to delve into a fantasy that might not be prudent to act on. Finding that middle ground, maybe not inviting a partner in, but maybe watching porn together that has people as a threesome. Maybe it's fantasizing together, dirty talk together in bed.

But my concern is that he was talking about, he doesn't know what's gonna happen if he can't satisfy this fantasy. And to me, that is a relationship issue. That is something you need to see a therapist about. That feels to me like, I need you to do this or else. And that feels manipulative and it feels unhealthy. It feels like he's trying to get you to do something for him

that you don't want to do. And I'm not about that. So I think it's be a great idea just to get, have a couple of sessions under your belt about what that means. Yeah, really good point. That's a really good point. A huge fan of therapy, I think that every couple can benefit from therapy at some point in their life.

I'm not a fan of the ultimatums and the threats. And if you're in a relationship right now where you're feeling that from your partner, I think it's also important to look at and say, oh, yeah, this is not, I don't have to do this. There's no sex police. I don't have to do whatever my partner wants me to do. I feel like you're also, if you take a look into relationship, I have a hunch that maybe there's other areas of their relationship where he might be putting out these ultimatums, that there might be other ways, like this probably touched in the bedroom. Like if you don't do this, then you know, I'm not going to pay for the mortgage or something.

So let's just look at that manipulative behavior that you pointed out, Ellen, see if there's other traits of that. And again, a reason why therapy would be so excellent for you both, Kara. Thanks for your email, Kara. We appreciate it and let us know how it goes. We're gonna take a quick break, but stick around. We return to LNI answering email from Taylor

about how to have super hot phone sex. Oh, I love this question. I love this question. I love this question. I love this question. Okay, this is from Taylor, 20 in Chicago. Hey, Dr. Emily, just wondering if you've any fun tips on how to get your man aroused and turned on in a long distance relationship. We have a pretty active sex life whenever we're together.

Obviously, after months of not seeing each other, we're both horny. But I was wondering if you have any tips on phone sex and sex in long distance relationships? Anybice greatly appreciated. You know, it's such a good time to be in a long distance relationship since smartphones and sex toys that are Bluetooth enabled. I don't know what people did 25 years ago. Before the smartphone, I guess you would actually talk on the phone and have a lot of phone sex. But now, what? You talk on the phone and you miss them, you write letters. Yeah, people used to do that. But now I feel our faxes and our reviews, in fact, this is kind of an exciting time because we can really engage.

You can use FaceTime or Zoom. You can set a real date with your partner until like eight o'clock. We're going to each get on the phone. We can have conversations about our sex life. Maybe check out our yes, no, maybe list, but you can download it on our site. That's all these sex acts on it. So if you're trying to figure out like what's doing the bedroom or what you want to do next time, you see him.

This is a great way to get you guys excited for it. And if you do a yes, no, maybe list, it's like group sex, hair pulling, handcuffs, you know, is it a lap dancing, licking, making out, is it a yes, is it a no or is it maybe, and I just love the idea of couples who are long distance having conversations that will set the stage for when they see each other again. But also, I mean, you can watch porn together, you can, I mean, El, give me some of yours long distance sexy tips. I'm like talking to your partner telling them what you would make them do to you. And what you would do to them if you were there. Give me more about that.

What? I feel like you're good at this. You're good at the text you get the talking. Thank you. Yeah, like how do you... Like if I were there right now, give me some time. I was there right now. I, you know, where are you?

Oh, I'm in the hotel room laying down on the bed. Okay. If I, if I were there, I would come in and I'd be wearing this and then I'd walk over to you or night start to always do what you're wearing. I got to know it. I'm wearing man. And yeah, I'd be wearing this agent provocateur, a little outfit. And I come in and then you can tell your partner what you would do to them, how you know they like to be touched and then really get into the minutia of touching that person. So if you're going to touch their hand. You can say, I'm going to take my right hand. I'm going to touch your hand and I'm going to go up and down from the knuckle to the top knuckle to the bottom knuckle to in between the fingers. Like get as detailed as possible. detailed as possible. And when you are doing this few time, or you can even say to them, put your finger where I'm going to be touching you and put your finger on your middle knuckle and have it go down all the way to your wrist and then turn around your wrist.

Like really direct them direct your own sort of porn as if you were there. Ask them to describe what they want you to do. I'd want you to come and sit on my face. Really? Okay. Well, so if I came and I sat on your face, I would come over and I'd be wearing this. And then I would straddle and do that. You know, there are all those different ways. You can just sort of describe, get into the description. And again, the senses, the, you know, what are you seeing? What are you hearing? All those things bring someone's imagination right into it. With you and with your voice, it can be really, really, really rotted. They could do this on Zoom or on FaceTime.

They can talk about she could send it in text. And the phone should be right now and look at you, laid out into the bed. She could even dress up too. You could even dress up in those things that you want to wear the next time you see them. I'm going to wear this next time we see each other. I think that couples think that you go right

to like right into the sex, he's like, oh, I don't know if I could ever do that. And it's like, no, it's just like any kind of sex. You don't go from right into the sex, you know, show up naked, like, undress each other. Yeah, it'd be perfectly honest. If you don't want to masturbate on camera with your partner, that's embarrassing.

That isn't also the definition of like video sex or phone sex. You can literally just talk to each other about what you want to do to each other, the next time you see each other. It doesn't even have to be that visual. I grew up in a time back in the old days when you would call like a 900 number and there would be like a 60-second little story about what someone wants to do to you and you would masturbate to it and then hang up, it'd be like 299. And I got in trouble for putting that in the phone bill when I was kid. So at any rate, it's enough to hear it, it's enough to start the imagination going because the imagination is where it all starts happening anyway. It's so true, it's so active.

The imagination is where this magic happens. You get to create it together describing what you want to do Setting the ground works. I love that you have setting a date one night Maybe they're drinking glass of wine or they're each having a meal But they could do something like the essence. Maybe that gets couples talking They could even share some memorable times. They've had sex fantasize together and then you could also both mutually master away together Remember you don't have to show your journals.

You could just show your face, or you could just show your journals, not your face if you're uncomfortable with that. And also, there's some great toys. Wevibe makes a lot of toys. Your partner can actually control it on video from wherever you are. A lot of the Wevibe toys have access through the phone. Those are some great tips. Thank you.

Thanks, Taylor. Hot sex in your future. This is from Steve 31 in Los Angeles. Hi Dr. Emily, I enjoy your podcast and find your product recommendations useful. I've always had a thing for watching women get their hair cut off. I've had this as far back as I can remember going back to pre-adolescence. I've noticed I had a cut a woman tear myself and actually don't like women with short hair. I just like watching. Never said it was logical. I know this is not that unusual as there are dozens of websites that cater to this. Never told anyone about this till I mid-20s.

I decided to go to sex therapists and she said nothing wrong with it. It's harmless. I should enjoy it. She also gave me tips for bringing up to a partner. It's my brought up to a partner and I thought it was thoughtful and I thought I did it in a no obligation way. But then she woke up in the morning and said she wasn't into it. It was afraid that she'd wake up one day with a shaved head.

I tried to explain to her that that wasn't how it works and it was over. Then I went to another sex therapist. He's looking at him. He's really trying. I went to another sex therapist who gave me better advice through role playing. So then I found myself in another relationship, brought it up.

She seemed okay. She let me include the videos in our play. But after a couple of weeks, she said she couldn't process it. She wanted me to be attracted to her and not the videos. So he essentially has a self-negative maybe a fetish for, which means it's a requirement for him to be a rouse for watching when we get a haircut and that is what turns him on. He's already lost two relationships. Question is, should I keep trying or go back to keeping it a secret? Thanks so much. If you answer on your show, let me know. We're

going to let you know because you've gotten that one, but two sect indicator brains here helping you. So this is a fantasy. It's a well known fantasy or fetish where it's essentially about. He is a requirement for him to be around. He's watching these videos and he's not saying he wants to wake up and cut someone's hair and it's just something that's an important part of his eroticism and he needs his sexuality. And I can also see that there's his partner sounds like he's with women that don't understand it. And I think it's about communication. A lot of times we just don't know how to communicate it because first off, it could be a fantasy about threesomes, but this is a little bit different.

This is a little bit like extreme tabenny. And so he just seems a little bit happier fennesting his words. How would we help him out here? Do it a little bit differently. Talk about a little bit because I don't think he should hide it and go speak secret.

No, I mean, listen, it's a fantasy. It sounds like he wants to tell these partners. It's fantasy is concertly never be acted upon or you never have to tell anyone your fantasy, but it sounds like he wants to. And I think the communication you're right is key here and how it's put. Letting them know it's just a fantasy that he likes to watch, likes to see getting hair cut off. to watch likes to see getting hair cut off. So it makes me think that maybe one of his partners had thought that he wanted to cut hair off. So maybe really making it clear

it is just a type of form that turns him on. It's just a fantasy that turns him on that he has no interest in acting it out. That being said, it might be helpful to start a fun discussion outside of the bedroom of fantasies that your partner has that they might want to act out or might want to discuss and bring it up in that sort of context that you have this delight in seeing someone get their haircut. It's just something you know that you don't want to act on but that you just like it.

If it is a fetish, something you need in order to have sex and get turned on, then that is something you need to talk to your partner about and to talk about different ways that it can be incorporated. Maybe some dirty talks, some role playing, some watching the porn together. If it is not a fetish and it is just a kink, think about it as an addendum to a healthy sex life with your partner and explain it to them that way. Yeah, and addendum, it's just sort of like here's some of the things I'm into. and a dendum to a healthy sex life with your partner and explain it to them that way. Yeah, and a dendum, like you just sort of like hear some of the things I'm into. What are you into? And maybe they could download your fantasy program and figure out what his partner's fantasies are because the truth is Steve, if you find a partner, which you will, that also feels that her fantasies are being prioritized and understood

and maybe developed if she doesn't have fantasies. She'll feel just as engaged make okay, I get it now is time for your fantasy. Let's watch your stuff and Now here's what I'm into and if you're both getting your needs met You're both having pleasure. It feels good to both of you I think that it won't be a matter that you're thinking about hair cutting or hair pulling or Hair worship whatever it is. It won't matter as long as you're both deeply and equally engaged in being turned on and getting your needs back. I'm showing your partner too that you're also there for them. Here you are divulging this really private part of yourself. You're being intimate with them and showing them a part of you that you

don't show everyone, but that you want to be there for them in that context as well. And then also like when dating, it would be, this would be a good thing to bring up not in full, but just bring up, you know, I have some unusual kinks. So that you know that you're dating someone that is kink friendly or fetish friendly, someone who is at least going to respond to you in a way that is accepting, even if they don't want to partake in it. I love it you said there because now what I'm picturing is he's just trying to get this office chest. He's saying I got to talk to you. I have this fantasy. Here's the videos. Are you down? But a way to kind of pull back on that is say you know what? I've found that in the relationships I mean that are successful or maybe I just want to explore being more open about my what I'm into sexually is it's thing you're into?

I realized that in my past relationships, when I didn't do that, it wasn't helpful. And then you start top level. Ask them, what are they into? What turns them on? You could share some things that you're into, and you don't have to lead with the hair cutting. Maybe there's other things you're interested in too.

I really get off of eye contact. I really get off of knowing what your fantasies are. I mean, I've been with lovers who are like, I get turned out when you're turned on Emily, telling what your turn-ons are like, that's really hot to have a partner that's engaged. So again, maybe you start with more top level than going right into, this is what I need.

I'm telling you what I need. Will you love me? Will you accept me because I need to watch videos of cutting hair? Now, let's have it be a larger conversation. And then vet people that you're with. Listen, Elle does this too. We would not be with

someone at this point in our lives. Oh, you can agree that is not into talking about sex. It's just an ideal breaker or open about it. Open, open, curious, sex positive exploratory. I could not even date. No, why would you alone one day with someone? I know you don't always know that and you can't be figured out, but I would find pretty quickly. They might not go out with sex educators who knows, but at this point we get to be our own, we get to vet people because they probably wouldn't come through our door if they knew what we did. That's a big thing. This is a big part of it's like you see two sex therapists or a sex therapist about it. That is something you put in your profile, not that you'd like to watch hair cutting

videos, but like kink positive, sex positive, open minded, the key words for the people that you want to attract to you. And so when you go out with them, I don't tell anybody I'm a sex educator for a while because it usually brings up a bunch of stuff. Then when I do, I can see how they react to it. And if they're like, oh, boy, I bet you get a lot of action. Like, see ya, goodbye. So you know who you're getting is what I'm saying. Exactly. I love this, I love this putting the things open-minded, curious, sex positive, put that in your profile and see.

And the people like turned off because like sex positive, what does that mean? Guess what, Steve, not your people. Tori 28 in Iowa. Hey, Dr. Amelie, my boyfriend's really loving and attentive and bad. However, he always says he prefers the front half of me and looking at my face. At the beginning of the relationship, he didn't even like to spoon me and only wanted to snuggle face to face.

I'm generally happy, but sometimes in the mood to have doggy style sucks. He tries sometimes, but it isn't something he likes to do. So it doesn't go very well. He always says he thinks butts in general are gross and not hygienic. It makes you feel rejected. What should I do? L this reminds me of also of your book, Currie Girl Sex. I'm sure that we there might be some stuff here about that. Like I feel like if someone told me they only like looking at my eyes or they like looking only looking at my elbow, or my left breast, or anything. I would feel not seen. I wouldn't feel whole.

I'm hearing some red flags here, like just about him not accepting all of her. I'm going to validate here what Tori is feeling, because I think that you probably don't feel seen. You would feel rejected, and you probably don't feel as confident being with him. It's not kind. Yeah. feel it's confident being with him. It's not kind. Yeah, it feels to me like when you're in a relationship working with someone shame can be challenging. And it sounds like he has a lot of shame

and preconceived judgments about the butt area. I just want her to realize that it's not a her problem. This is a his shame problem. It sounds like his issue with butts is general. But maybe you can explain to him how you feel about it. Just like, you know, this is just a part of the human body, and this is a part of who I am. Also, we're always having sex and doing stuff

with our partners and sometimes we'd like things more than others. And listen, I like some positions better than others. And maybe my partner likes something that I don't like as much, but I do it because it makes them happy. And you know what, it's still all together. It's sex. It's good.

It's fun, right? So maybe think about talking to him and see if he could try and get into the idea of it just being making you happy, giving you pleasure, unless about the vision of having the butt being this bad space. Yeah, absolutely. What you're saying is that in relationships, it's all like kind of a give and take and him kind of hearing more about what she requires and what she needs. He's essentially saying, I'm only having sex with you in this one place in this one position. And is he willing to kind of open up and expand his definition of sex and grow?

And I'm not sure that this is your boyfriend right now, but I'd like to be open and think that if you could talk to him outside the bedroom and just say, you know, let's talk about our sex life, start with some things that you really like about it. And it's also I find it's important for me to have more variety. That's a really important part of my eroticism and my sexuality. And would you be open to playing around and doing more things?

And then you have to listen, because he's probably gonna say, no, I told you, I think butts are gross. And then you could say, yeah, I knew you said that. Tell me more, where did that come from? And you might find that there's a story. Maybe he got shamed. Maybe something happened to him.

And this is where the juices, this is where the magic happens when we can actually really listen. Remember, you guys, most of what healthy communication isn't even about what we say. It's our tone, it's our body language, it's eye contact, and just saying, babe, you can put your hand on his arm and say, oh, yeah, well, maybe you can tell me more about what it is about the butt that doesn't feel good. Empathy. When he feels seen in his shame about the butt, right,

is feeling that you're empathizing with that, then maybe that opens that container, that safe container to talk about, well, why don't why don't we do this? Maybe you can dig into that a little bit more and see if we can sort of divorce that idea a little bit of work on divorcing that idea a little bit from our sex play. And I'll go slower as far as wanting to do, you know, doggie style or whatever. But maybe we can come together and work on some sort

of compromise because I really need to be seen. And I know that you have an issue in this area. So that empathy creates a curiosity. I would do that if my partner said, just to hear the way you say it all. Okay, thank you. That's really helpful. Let's see you guys.

We're really just talking about healthy communication here and it's a skill set. This is from joley 25 in Colorado. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've never been able to orgasm with a partner. Solo, yes, it's the pressure of orgasm being the end goal and thinking, I take too long.

Recently, I started sleeping with someone and faking orgasms with them. We've been seeing each other for about a month now. They prioritize my pleasure and bad and are very enthusiastic about pleasureing me. I know they want me to enjoy myself during sex and I want to try to actually orgasm with them, but I don't know how to because I started the relationship off with faking them. I've been here to be. Now they think I'm ir I regularly orgasm with them. How do I tell them I've been faking

without hurting their feelings? Do I even tell them I've been faking? Please help me, figure out my way out of this tangled up, I've created and find power in my orgasmic self. Ha ha. 25, oh, Charlie, I love it, Tim, Charlie, I was with you, I faked orgasms. When I was your age,

I always wonder if my boyfriend, and not the out there was thing, but my boyfriend's from that might be like, really? I would tell them, I didn't know either. And you're not alone, Tully, so many of us feel this pressure, this pressure cooker to orgasm, and someone's watching you, and there's a time clock, it seems like many times, if you're with a penis owner, they come quicker and does take Lava owners anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes.

Or guys, it's a whole thing, but it's a learning process. My recommendation for you is to just have a conversation about your sex life with your partner, this new guy outside the bedroom, and just say, I'd love to talk to you about our sex life, some things that you really like and say, I actually really want to work on expanding my own pleasure and my own arousal. And I love being with someone like you who's so into my pleasure. And what you're doing feels great. I love that you start slow.

I love the ways you're fingers. I love whatever he's doing, the things that you like and say, but sometimes I'm still exploring my body, which you would be at 25. Well, let's be honest at any age and say, would you be willing to do some exploring with me? Can we start slow? I wanna show you some things that I've learned during masturbation that feel very good to me and you feel like a trusted partner,

would you be willing to go on this journey? And I would love to show you some things I'm learning, would you go slow with me, be patient? Bring them along for the ride. What do you think, Elle? Yeah, that's basically exactly what I was going to say. Sounds like you've a partner really wants you to be pleasure and and also you know sometimes there are people that

can orgasm in many different ways and so you can also say you partner to listen. Sex with you you never have to tell them that you've been faking it if you don't want to. Just if you don't want to tell them that just don't. You can just not lie but tell them that you know you can come in many different ways and you wanna try different ways and the way that you've been coming lately

is getting less interesting and that through your own self-exploration, you've discovered other ways in other parts of your vulva, you've Regina, and you're clitoris, and whatever, that you like touched and touched in different ways. And again, like you were saying, Emily, you know, would you go on that journey with me? Would you help explore with me? You could even do mutual masturbation ask him to watch you masturbate to show him how you like to come in certain ways, either with your hands or with a toy or actually

maybe just say, will you, I'm going to show you how I like to masturbate with my hands. And then will you put your fingers down there and do it with me? Put your fingers on top of my fingers and do it with me so I can show you what I like. And there's many different ways to do that. And I think that's, I think what Emily said is a really good way to go about it. All the partners want to please us.

We are good partners that we want to be with, want to be good lovers to us. They want to figure out what we like. And so let's give them the banner for the doubt here. So I think I think you got this one thank you so much L chase I love having here I want to ask you the five quicky questions we ask our guests I would ask you them in a while they're very quick okay don't overthink okay I'll try not to overthink them not to figure out what I'm wearing first

okay okay these are quicky All right. Biggest turn on Communication biggest turn off hubris What makes good sex vulnerability? Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships relax What's a number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex that is not Loub? one thing you wish everyone knew about sex. Bet is not Loub. I love you so much.

El, where can people find you? What's going on? Tell me all the things. I'm on Instagram all the time. So that L Chase at Instagram, that's also my handle all the other social medias and L Chase.com. Thank you for being here, El. Thank you, Emily.

Thank you Emily! That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday! Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily! Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

you