Sex With Emily - Fire Up Your Flirting

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

After a year of social distancing, many of us have forgotten how to flirt and date IRL. The good news: with a little practice, you’ll be stronger and sexier than ever before. In this episode, I cover the lessons we’ve learned from a year of isolation and digital dating and I also take a look at what might be in store for us in the year ahead. I walk you through how to regain confidence, uplevel your flirting skills, and important questions to ask yourself before jumping back out there.I also answer questions about what to know when considering a “friend with benefits” arrangement, how to prepare for sex after a dry spell, getting back with an ex, and dating post-divorce.Show Notes:Love Language quizFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

But asking people out and practicing approaching anybody is a skill set and the more you do it, the more comfortable you get. Practice, practice. This is my message for everybody right now. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. After a year of social distancing, many of us have forgotten how to flirt and date IRL in real life. The good news. Look practice. You'll be stronger and sexier than ever before. So in this episode, I'm covering the lessons we learned from a year of isolation, slowing down and online dating, as well as what's in store for the year ahead. This includes how to regain confidence, important questions to ask yourself

before jumping back out there and how to find a partner who's right for you. I also answer your questions about what to consider when getting off friends with benefits, how to prepare for sex, post, dry spell, getting back with an ax and dating, post divorce. All right, intentions with Emily, for each episode join me in setting an intention.

So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? And how could it help you? Well, my intention is to help you just take the pressure off and get back to healthy sex and a healthy dating life. I got an announcement to make. I'm doing a live virtual podcast, April 15th at 6 o'clock Pacific and you are all

invited. It's going to be a blast. We can all be together. I get to see your faces, but you don't have to have your camera on, but I would love to see you. I'm going to answer your questions live during the show. It's only $10 for the live podcast experience. You can be a hundred and get a one-on-one live meet and agree with me and I'll answer your question directly. You get a video, you get to keep. It's going to be so much fun to find more go to loopedlive.com. That's L-O-O-P-E-D live.com. Click on their upcoming experiences and then scroll down and I would just love to see you there. I'm really excited about it.

I hope you are too. All right, everybody. Enjoy the show. Okay, let's talk about how to date after a dry spell. Now coming out of this global pandemic, many of us might be going through a dry spell. Maybe you've been alone and you haven't been dating or maybe you just you know took a break from dating, maybe you're going through a divorce or maybe you're going through a long term breakup and you want to know how to get out there again. How to get your dating mojo back. How do you remember how to flirt? I mean that is also a muscle that we have to practice. You haven't been flirting or socializing and a lot of people are talking about that right now

and saying, I'm a little anxious to get out there some kind of social anxiety you might not have had before. So how do we get back out there after such a strange year? I think there's been a lot of interesting things that have happened during the pandemic with dating. I saw courtship come back. People were slowing things down because we had to, doing a videohip come back. People were slowing things down because we had to doing a video date first. And we were slowing things down and really getting

to know each other. But now we might be experiencing kind of isolation fatigue because maybe you haven't been in a relationship for a few years before the pandemic. Maybe you were taking a break or you were working on yourself, but after being alone for a year, maybe you have a different point of view on it. Maybe you've changed your opinion and you think I am ready. So dating is a muscle, flirting is a muscle, all of it. And if we haven't worked out in a year, essentially, it would make sense that you might be experiencing a little bit of anxiety about dating or just going out. So let's take baby steps. Today's episode, I'm going to answer a lot of your questions about these very things.

But first, I wanted to talk to you about this study that came out that showed the main reason behind involuntary singlehood. Like you're single and you don't know why, the main reason is that you do not know how to flirt. And flirting is a skill set. It really is. And sometimes we just don't know how. And the thing that followed here, the other reason why we're single is because we aren't able to read the signs that someone likes us. We just can't read it. Like, do they like me? Don't they like me? And that can be really difficult. Sometimes we just, we don't want to risk getting hurt. We don't want to put ourselves out

there. So we just default towards, this person probably doesn't like me. So that's also a skill set. And the other thing they found is that we're just not making enough for it. And that's why we are single. And I thought, yes, that makes sense. If we're somebody who doesn't really understand how to show that we are open and that we're interested, how is the other person going to know? Maybe they are greater reading signals and then you guys never connect. So let's brush up on our flirting skills here for a minute. Let me just give you a little reminder here. Let's do a little bit of flirt reminders, okay?

These are just the basics of flirting. Eye contact. Eye contact is so important when we're flirting. It's a difference between like how you do in and let's get to know each other. And there's a lot of studies about eye gazing that have come out that if you hold your eye gaze with someone for

up to two minutes, that your feelings might start to change towards more passionate towards somebody, and I'm not saying this is going to happen to everybody. Another way to use eye contact is to maintain your gaze just a few seconds longer. Maybe you see someone across the room and you hold their gaze longer than you normally would. Repeat that a few times. And if they're not giving you weird looks and they're just kind of looking back at you, maybe you can go up and approach them. But listen, there's also the other side of eye gazing.

Like maybe they think you're creepy or doing something weird. Well, you'll know. If they look away or they change seats or they leave the bar or wherever you're at, don't approach them. But the eye gaze and sticking with it can really show someone, oh, what's this person looking at? The other thing is your approach. When you go up to somebody, you don't wanna like sneak up or come up behind them. If they're facing away,

either make your way around or wait for them to move and try to approach them from the front. So, that gives you both the opportunity to catch each other's eyes, check each other out, see if there's interest. The other thing is give compliment. Now this could also be when you're on a date, I'm not talking about just approaching somebody at a bar, but give compliments and be specific with your compliments. Just saying, hey, you're so pretty or you look great. When you get specific and you say, oh, I think you're so attractive and I love your eyes. They're such a pretty

color or not like great outfit, but those are really cool shoes. You have really good style. But I think it's great to get specific about something about the person. I love the way you laugh or you've such pretty teeth. I mean, get specific and that might also be a sign, hey, I'm flirting. Now, how do we use touch with flirting? Touch is, you know, you've got to be careful, but a light touch, if you're doing it carefully, could be a very effective form of flirting for everybody.

That definitely shows that you're interested. For example, there's a friendly touch, right? Like a light shoulder push or a shoulder tap or a handshake. That's not flirting. definitely shows that you're interested. For example, there's a friendly touch, right? Like a light shoulder push or a shoulder tap or a handshake. That's not flirting. But a soft, you know, face touch or brushing show-ins hair out of their face or a touch on the forearm or the wrist. In fact, there's a study that shows that a little touch on the forearm actually could mean

something that could show that people were more likely to give out their phone number if someone touched their forearm ever so lately. Now, you have to be careful with this too, because I'm not saying grab someone. I'm not just saying kiss them. I'm not saying grab their body parts. I'm talking about a light suggestive touch. And that could show that you're interested. Your body language says a lot as well. If you're turning away from somebody like maybe you're somebody who Naturally stands with your arms crossed or you're more closed off Well, that could be setting the signal that you are not interested

So pay attention you want to breathe before you go out you want to get into your body and you want to ask a lot of questions Be interested be interesting and playful All right, brush up on your flirting you can learn it if Ask a lot of questions, be interested, be interesting, and playful. Alright, brush up on your flirting, you can learn it. If you're nervous about dating or socializing post-pandemic, just go out with your friends, take the pressure off yourself, take baby steps in socializing. Go out with people that you already love and trust.

Spend more time getting dinner or drinks with friends, have an outdoor picnic. Maybe you each invite some few friends that don't know each other. And that's how we all meet people, right? A lot of times, through friends or friends, you know, before all the dating apps, that's what people would do. And then you commit to hanging out with them. If it's actually if it's in a group, you'd have to commit to a date, but you can see if you meet anyone interesting. The other thing is to get back into your body. If we've been in a sexual dry spell, well, that's a long time to go without sex. And you might be feeling God-eyed by confidence is shot. So one of the best ways you can start to reclaim your sexual energy is just get back into

your body. Start moving your body again. You know, dancing or taking yoga or buying some clothes or laundry or whatever makes you feel sexy. And when we get back into our bodies, we feel more confident. And it also allows us to be more mindful and just more connected to our bodies. And you know that I think that masturbation is also a great way to do that. And just go easy on yourself. As always, if you're feeling intimidated to date again, everyone's dealing with this.

We've just spent a year staring at Zoom. So get yourself back out there, refresh, listen to some podcasts. We've done a bunch of great podcasts on dating. And it might take time, but it's all going to come back to you. I promise. And who knows, you might just find that you're even a stronger data after the pandemic, because you've taken time getting to know yourself, and you might be a better data than ever before. And just remember that there's also no pressure. If you're wondering, well, how do I know if I'm ready to date?

It's really important to do the inner work and figure out where did your last relationship go wrong? What did you learn about yourself? Really important to do the inner work and figure out where did your last relationship go wrong? What did you learn about yourself? Recognize the patterns that you don't want to repeat and get really clear on your values and what you're looking for in a partner. Be honest, you guys, get clearer. Are you just looking to hook up with someone or you're looking to casual dating or you're looking for a relationship? Be honest with yourself and the people that you're dating and tell them your needs, your fears, set boundaries. What great time to practice being the best advocate for yourself.

And if you're not sure, just ask yourself, why am I dating again? What am I looking for? And just be patient. I mean, I actually have found that dating can be a really enjoyable process. If you just think, I'm just going to go out for a drink with somebody. Maybe I'll learn something new. Maybe I'll make a new friend. and I'll have a cocktail. Maybe I'll have a good meal. But it helps take the pressure off ourselves if we just think, okay, worse thing that happens is I, you know, have learned something new. I have a good conversation. Even if it's not

your soulmate, that's okay. If you are dating, just a little reminder about how to find people. The dating apps have been going off the last year. There's so many more dating apps. There's a lot of options for people to meet, even on social media. Tell everyone you know that you're single. Tell your friends. If people ask if you're dating, say no, I'm single. If you know anyone to fix me up with, I can't tell you how many times I've said that to

people. And they sure enough might not be right then and there, but the next time they meet someone, they're like, are you still single? Would you like to meet someone? And I so appreciate it. So remember, let people know that you're interested. And when you remember just when you're going out of date, a few things are to be curious, to ask questions, to be a good listener, and go out with an open mindset. I think it's also important that try to go on a second date, unless the person is toxic and horrible and you had a terrible experience.

Don't do that again. But if you're not sure, are you on the fence? I think we can learn a lot from a second date. And sometimes our own fears are getting in the way of us actually giving someone a second date. And sometimes our own fears are getting in the way of us actually giving someone a second chance. We might see a red flag where there really isn't one because we're so used to saying what we don't like and we're so used to kind of getting in our own way. So try going on a second date if you're on the fence. And remember we're all in this together and now I'm going to get into your questions that things everyone for

listening to the show. If you have a question and you'd like an answer to on this show, you can just go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. And if you want to be called or set up a time to call in, just click the box that asks about calls. As always, include your name, your gender identity, your location, your age, and how you listen to the show. And of course, totally cool if you change your name. Okay, this is from Elizabeth 23.

Hi, I love your podcast, and I want to see if you could help me with something. I just graduated from college, so my experience with boys has been very much hook up, and then stay together, not date, and then see if you want to hook up. So I'm trying this new thing not to have sex the first time I'm with a guy. I've seen this guy two times, and I think I like him. I'm trying to keep him wanting more since it's first time I'm with a guy. I've seen this guy two times and I think I like him. I'm trying to keep him wanting more since it's the beginning and I want to tease him a little. So far we've only made out passionately, but I want to know if you have any suggestions

on timeline. When should we start oral sex? When should we have regular sex? I know it's all about what feels right in the moment, but I'm really trying to leave him wanting more. I feel like I usually have sex with a boy too quickly and I don't want to set that tone for this guy. Sorry if that's long. I hope you could help. Alright, so here's a thing Elizabeth. I like where you're going with this. It sounds

like you had the drunken hookup experiences in college that were not a satisfying. And I'm not one to give you a time when like there are other dating experts who say things like wait till commitment, wait three months months they have all these rules but my rules start with you my rules about how do you feel Elizabeth with this guy is he someone that you feel safe with is he a cool guy do you feel comfortable with him are you looking for a relationship right now or are you just looking for a hug up because the game playing stuff and I and I I just I'm not a huge fan like I'm just gonna wait six days and then I'm gonna have sex with him, but I do like waiting just because then we get to know somebody.

What's this person all about? Are they good person? Does he show up when he says he's gonna show up? Is he kind? Does he make sure that you're okay and that your needs are met when you're hanging out, even just like, do you want to glass a water? Are you hungry? Things like that. Learning more about him will allow you to feel more comfortable and then you're going to know when it's right. And so I can't give you a timeline, but I would say I like that you're waiting to see

how you feel with him. So when should you start all sex? I say after he goes down on you. This whole notion that women should just give blow jobs and then they have sex with the guy. I just think I would love all of my vulva owners listening to, wait for a partner to go down and use sometimes. I'm not saying that every situation, this is the case.

But when I often hear from women, Elizabeth, in early 20s, and even thinking back to myself, I was more about giving than receiving. So starting oral sex should start when he starts to please you and then you feel like you're in the mood to go down on him as well And then the regular sex could follow that experience, but again, what are you looking for? I mean, this might be the first time that you have a relationship and if that's the case like a real relationship I would just try to find out do you guys have the same values? Is he looking for a relationship or is he just looking for sex? What does he want out of life?

I just think it's better the more information we can find out about someone's intentions and their values and what they're looking for, the better we can make decisions about, is this someone I actually want to have inside of me. So that's what I would say for you, Elizabeth, pay attention to his actions and his words, and then see how you feel. with pay attention to his actions and his words. And then see how you feel. Let's talk to Pamela 57 in California. Hi Pamela, thanks for calling. Hi, how are you?

Thank you. Thank you. Of course, how can I help? What's going on? Well, I'm calling because I haven't been in the dating field for two years. And so a friend suggested Bumble, because she's like, you can choose who you want and so I made

a connection with a guy. I kind of feel like it's pushy a little bit because he's like it just barely started the conversation today and he's like I wish you were here with me right now and he sends me a picture without his shirt on and I'm like it's a little bit too much for me. So how do you say that without washing the plants, I guess? No, that's such a good question, Pamela. So he's just somebody that you just matched with on Bumble. And let me just explain to everybody, listening Bumble is the app.

It's a swipe app, but you match with somebody but the women have to send the first message. So then you are connected. So even if you're matched. So then you sent the message, and then was that like how long were you chatting for Before he sent a picture of his torso. It was just last night. I barely started. So it was actually this morning. It's different for everybody Pamela. A lot of women here are like, I just don't want to dick pick. I don't want to make it picked. I don't even want any. I don't want it to get intimate. Don't sescalate, if you will, or don't prematurely

escalate the sex part of the conversation or make it that way. I want to get to know you first. I need an emotional connection. And then there's some women I think who just want sex and they're like, fine, send me whatever. So I think it's a case-by-case basis to be honest. And so who knows, maybe this guy has been trained by someone else he was dating who said,

let's get intimate. So I feel like what I would recommend Pamela is to say, let's set up a call. Like I think that right now, especially during quarantine the last nine months, what's happened with online dating, and what I've been advocate of is saying, let's come up on a phone call, you want to do a FaceTime?

You want to do some of that, your video chat. Because then you could get to know the person before you go texting back and forth and actually seeing if there's a traction and a connection. So I try to get to that right away and just say, you know, really nice chatting with you. I'm not big of a texture. Would you want to hop on a video chat for 10 minutes tonight? And then you could set up a bunch of calls back to back, kind of like speed dating, but you're doing it on video.

Let's talk and find out if we should meet and then initiate a call. If you'd be comfortable with a video call, or Zoom call, would you be? I'm really shy, so I would say right now, no, I was terrified when he was like, here's my phone number, let's tick. I'm like, oh my God. Okay, God, so you're still the newer stages. You just want to test. So I think something is a texting can go on for weeks, and then you think, well, when are we gonna meet up? What's the next plan? So if you're not ready to do the chatting,

I think either if you think this guy's cool, I mean, you just don't reply in that way. You just say, I have to meet you first to know if I'm gonna miss you or wish I was there or something. But I just think FaceTiming is efficient because then it's like another layer because someone you know I'm telling you I have had the experience with someone's an excellent texture great talker and then I meet him and I'm like nope

And right now if you're new at it to Pamela I wouldn't be so hard on yourself because it's a muscle and it's a skill So when you ask you asked me about the rules, right? I think we get to make our own rules and set our own boundaries But I don't think this guy was overstepping because I was at dinner with a girlfriend and she's in her 40s and she's like, I went through a divorce and she's like, I just want to sex right now. So she was happy of a guy centered dick pic.

She was like, I have a whole file of them. And I was like, that is the last thing I want. So, you know, I don't respond to things and if it's not attractive to me, right? So I think I just sort of train people and I just act what's comfortable to me. Do you know what you're looking for Pamela right now? Are you just looking to date, which is fine? I would like a relationship, but I don't want to jump in the bed with somebody. I want to have a conversation, get to know them.

Like, honestly, I'm good with like three to six months getting to know you before I get to that point because I've learned in the past If you jump into bed right away, it's all about the sex and I would rather know that I have a connection with you before I have a sexual connection Well, that's exactly it. I you know what and I feel the same way I really want to feel that we have an intellectual connection and we have an emotional connection But when it gets to the sex too quickly I get or at someone like that like I've had guys do the same thing to me, I get really turned off.

And so that's why I'm saying you might have to sort of force yourself out of your comfort zone and have a conversation with them and let them know that. Say, I need to connect with you emotionally first. I need to know who you are first before I can get there. Just sort of like anything else, the more do it the more comfortable you're gonna get and you're gonna be able to set Your own rules and boundaries, but I would be you know, you meet all kinds online You really do and it's a numbers game and I think right now you could maybe just not take it as seriously and sort of practice Say well, I'm gonna do something right now that I never do right you don't know these you don't know these people

And you could just experiment be playful? You don't know these people. And you could just experiment, be playful. And don't hold back in areas maybe where in the past you would have. And then you'll start to figure out what kind of texting rhythm works for you and does it feel good to do a FaceTime call? You know, what do I need to feel emotionally connected

with someone? And I think it's okay to have a call where you are asking questions. There's another app called Hinge that a lot of people really like right now because Hinge has you answer a few questions so people can comment on your profile so you might find that you have more information about people to go off of. You can ask questions. I think Bumble does as well when you can ask people questions that are like, what would

you do if you were the last person on earth or if you were kind of dinner with one person who would it be? Or what's the most memorable day of your life? You could start to, I love asking those questions and there's some great resources and books on this. There's this, the 36 questions you should ask to fall in love, the New York Times, and this great story on it a few years ago about just getting deep with people because if someone can't handle me,

they're just joking all the time. I need a little bit of like, let's connect. And then I can see if I actually am attracted to it. Usually it's for me, it's their mind that becomes a turn on it. I think that sounds like it's the same for you. So finding your way of getting to that in somebody is what you have to find right now.

Okay. And just keep going with it. Take risks. Thank you. You're so welcome. Yeah, I love your show. I just found going with it. Take risks. Thank you. You're so welcome. Yeah, I love your show. I just found you just searching stuff one day and I was like, oh, so I listened to you. I have a 30 minute drive and I listen to you as much as I can on my drive.

I love it. Thank you, Pamela. I appreciate hearing from you. Keep me posted. I want to hear how it goes. I'll be following along with your journey. Thank you. Thank you so much. Of course, bye, Pamela.

Thank you. All right, this is from Steven. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been single for six years. I'm divorced, and I don't get out very much, especially during a pandemic. I made the personal decision to remain single for the rest of my days. I've never had what is to be considered

a successful relationship. I have interested a woman I used to know, but I only want an FWB or friends with benefits relationship. How should I approach this? Okay, Steven, you didn't say how old you are, but that's a pretty big statement to say that you made a personal decision to remain single for the rest of your days. I mean, for six years, I mean, you know, the more we're alone, the more we get comfortable

with our being alone. And so I would just, that would just maybe be open that maybe you will find someone that you want to be in some kind of relationship with. So the Friends with Benefits thing, if you really don't want a relationship, I would just let this person know and say to her, I'm just looking to keep things casual right now. I'm not looking for a committed relationship. And then what does that look like? Are you going to have other Friends with Benefits? Are you only sleeping with her? What do you want from

your friends with benefits? Do they offer you emotional support? Do you want to go to movies together? Do you want to hang out? Have you thought about what you actually want out of this relationship? So I think it's great to be honest. If that's what you know that you want and you're not wasting anyone's time, you're not leading around. But I'd also be open that maybe you will find someone, Steven, one day, and you realize that maybe you could add someone to your life that would make it that much richer. Okay, Steven? So I think honesty is the best policy always, especially if you're very clear on what you

want. I'm going to take a quick break, but when I come back, I'm talking to Brittany who's wondering how to get her boyfriend to speak her love language. Alright, this is from Kathy25. Dear Dr. Emily, I haven't had sex in over two years, and it's really starting to affect me. Of course, I'm taking into consideration we've been in a pandemic for almost a year, but it still is extremely frustrating.

At 25 years old, I feel like I should be in my prime when it comes to having sex. I do masturbate regularly, but lately I've just been craving that physical intimacy with a man. I feel like it's even starting to mess with my confidence a bit and it's making me feel undesirable. And I feel like guys I do meet aren't even we're sleeping with. Where are the good ones hiding? We'd love some advice from you. Or at first I want to say I think we have to all go easy on ourselves because we've been in a pandemic which means we haven't been socializing as much. And as a result

of that our brain starts to change. Part parts of our brain that are used to socializing That can actually shrink our amygdala, which is responsible for emotions So we need to go slow and start to connect with people again And I think that socializing is kind of like running a bike So once we get out there, we're gonna like oh, yeah, this was really this was fun I enjoy people so that's for all of you who are worried about this. We're all on the same boat For you, Kathy, how are you meeting people right now? I'm a fan of the apps.

We did a great podcast with Logan Yurie called How Not to Die Alone. And she talks a lot about dating and these limiting beliefs around dating and just dating patterns where we think there's no one out there or we we're not good enough, or no one else is good enough. So I think checking yourself there and thinking about like, what are my limiting beliefs? And I'm hearing that in you where you say, you know, all the guys aren't worth it. It's like when people say, everyone in this town is horrible. Well, there's always going to be somebody for you. I promise there is a lid for every pot.

Let everyone, all your friends know that you're single and just be open to meeting people where you least expect it. Usually when we're out doing things that we love doing, you can find someone who shares your interests. And that can also be a way to attract people because you're in a comfortable state. You are doing something you like doing. I know I realize a lot in the last year. It's like, well, who are the friends I want to hang out with? Who don't I want to hang out with? Who are my people? And so maybe you found that you just need to widen your circle of people that you are hanging out with. I mean, I've met a lot of great people that I've dated through friends. How is your friend's circle? How are your friends,

boyfriends? Do they have any friends? Letting everyone know that you're single. And so, again, just we're in a new time right now, we're in a different time and just being open to expanding your horizons and where you meet people and how you meet people are some great things to think about. Let's talk to Brittany 30 in Michigan. Hey Brittany, thanks for calling. What's going on? I am definitely the type of person like I'm very affectionate, very, you know, touchy-feely, say I love you a lot, you know, that sort of thing. And my boyfriend is totally opposite. He can go, you know, days, weeks, whatever without even touching me, just to me, anything. And it's kind of frustrating because then when obviously when it comes to like having that, it almost feels like awkward to initiate it, you know, because I feel like uncomfortable. Are you saying that you're initiating sex all the time as well?

I mean, it depends. He doesn't talk about it. Right. Yeah, well, Brittany, this is what happens in long-term relationships. And this is probably your first longest relationship I would think you're 30 years old and that we don't know and really explains this to us. So I'm really glad that you found the show because what I think is that in every relationship, it is important to communicate about all of these things about what your needs are, what your values are, what you require from a partner, you know, that that touch is important to and talking about your sex life.

Most people, Brittany, just so you know, most couples that I talk to don't talk about it. I grew up in Michigan as well. I never heard anybody talking about it. So I think what you can do is have a conversation with him about your sex life. It's been five years. I thought we should talk about how it, you know, I know it's awkward. I know we've never talked about it. But let's talk about it. What's the most memorable time we've had sex? What do you love about our sex life? I'll tell you what

I like and start a dialogue around it. And I believe it's our partner's duty to engage in such conversations because if we don't talk about it, it becomes even more of a problem down the road. You could also take the love language quiz. It takes talk about it, it becomes even more of a problem down the road. You could also take the love language quiz. It takes a few minutes, it's easy, it's fun. And you can find out his love, maybe he needs something from you that he's not getting. And sometimes it's just a great jumping off point.

So I take it, yeah, there's five of them. Yeah, that's a fun thing. Say, hey, babe, let's take this quiz. And then you both take it, and then you'll find out, oh, he really needs acts of service. And so that means that he needs you to do like a favor for him when he's not expecting it. Take his car in and fill it with gas when you make him dinner. And that's how he feels like. And then if you both start to fill your love tanks up, you might be more willing

to prioritize each other's needs once it feels good for both of you. Okay, absolutely. Yeah, you could start there, but I do think that at 30, after five years together, these are things to really figure out now without shame. Find out, hey, is this someone that meets my goals, my standards for a relationship? Can we go to the distance? Find out now. Right, right. He's not going to bring it up. Right, well, I see, and that's the thing. You know, he doesn't talk about anything until go the distance find out now right right he's not going to bring it up

right well it's the end that's the thing you know he doesn't talk about anything until it becomes a problem is something bothers him or you know whatever and i am that jabber jobs i mean i will literally whether i'm talking about you know also there's a i mean how do you feel about that they're how do you feel about this or how do you feel about that? I mean, are you not happy? What does he say? He never says that he's not happy.

A lot of times, it, you know, comments like, oh, that's ridiculous, you know, that you would say that or, well, if anything at all, he'll be silent or not answered at, you know, if it's a text message or something. Yeah. You know, kind of like passive tax message or something. Yeah. You know, kind of like passive aggressive thing. He will kind of dance around it. Yeah, Brittany, I hear you.

I would recommend therapy. I would recommend every couple require, I think that every couple needs therapy and you've been together five years. And it just sort of fast tracks your relationship to figure out can we communicate? Because it sounds to me like he's not being passive aggressive or not telling you to hurt you.

He doesn't have experience communicating his needs. He doesn't really know what to say. In conflict resolution, being able to repair when there's problems in communicate is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. He has to be willing to learn these skills. and you guys, I would recommend going to find a therapist go once a week for the next few months, and it will teach you if you are actually meant to be together, because wouldn't you like to know now, rather than another five years

go by, therapy is for the health of your relationship. It doesn't mean that anything's wrong. It just means, let's figure out if we know the same languages and we can communicate. Would you be willing to do that? Right, yeah, absolutely. I think that that's a good idea. Yeah. Given the better for the doubt, say, let's just both figure this out together and it will be eye-opening

and you will grow from it, no matter what happens. Okay, awesome. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm really, really proud of you. Of course, I got you. You're absolutely the one that found your show. Oh really? He told you to listen. Yes, he found your show and told me about it. Well, I'm so glad. I'm very well here this who knows. Good. Perfect. That's the first step. Let me know how it goes, Brittany.

I'm so happy here for me going to connect with you and stay safe. Appreciate you. I love you too. Thanks for calling. Bye. Okay. love you too, thanks for calling. Bye. Okay, this is from Jane 29 in Arizona. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm almost 30 years old and I got divorced from my high school sweetheart last year. We were together since I was 15 and he has been the only person I've been with.

I'm not like a prude. We experimented a lot with sex but always together. I'm scared to be with someone new and to be honest, I don't even know how to start. Besides, COVID hasn't helped. My ex wants to fix things. He cheated right after we had our first baby and among other reasons not having to deal

with being with someone new. I'm considering it. What can I do to become more comfortable having sex with someone new when I've only been with one person? Okay, Jane, first off, if your husband cheated on you and now I want to get back together, that is classic. But I'm gonna say that even if you decide to get back with him,

you're gonna need some therapy together to heal the trust that was broken. On your own, you're not gonna be able to trust again and get back to where you were at. I promise, so that's gonna take a lot of work. Please, I know you probably miss him and I know that he's trying to get back to where you were at. I promise. So that's going to take a lot of work. Please, I know you probably miss him and I know that he's trying to get back to you and he's probably being this loving person. But I think it might be good for you. I actually do think. I'm going to say right now, I think it's good for you to be out of your own right now. You've

been with him since you were 15 years old for 5th half your life. What a great time to go out there and start dating. And I want to ask you before you go out there, how comfortable are you with your body? Do you masturbate? Do you know what feels good? Do you have any fantasies? Start to get your own modes are going, feeling good, getting back into the sexual groove. And I would first worry about being comfortable with somebody that you actually like. I don't recommend casual sex and going out there right away and start sleeping with people. And I don't know if people are still be doing that as much now post COVID.

But again, we feel the most safe and have better sex. These are studies have proven this when we're with somebody that we trust and that we feel safe with. And so I think that you probably know a lot more than you think you do, because you did have sex for 15 years with a partner. And so I think being honest with the person too

and saying, this has been a while for me, when you do get to the point with a new partner and letting them know you haven't been with anyone else. And it's kind of new to you. I just think that all of these secrets and things we've got to show up like we're more experienced and we've got to show up like we've been doing this all along, is just going to make us feel worse.

But honesty in these situations will serve you well because then you get to be with someone who can say, oh, I got it. Okay. Then then he'll know. He'll know to maybe go slow or to check in with you even more so. And if anyone ever judges you for your truth, well, then you don't have to go through sleeping with them or hanging out with them. That's how I feel. All right, Jane. Thanks for your email. Our next email is from Madison. Hey Dr. Amley, thanks so much for taking my question. I've been in a long-term relationship and have not been sexually attracted to my significant other for a while. As a result, I haven't been sexually active for longer than I'd like to meet.

I think it's time for me to end the relationship. I've been talking to someone. There's definitely mutual interest. I'm concerned that sex will hurt. Especially since I think he's bigger than my boyfriend. Is there anything I can do to prepare? Ha ha. Well, the first thing you should do is break up with your boyfriend before you cheat, before you go and experience as other penis definitely end your relationship. How do you already know he's bigger than your

partner? I'm curious about that too. So listen, our vaginas expand, especially when we're turd on and aroused and you get ample time to warm up, make sure that you're wet, lubricated, used, lube, you should be okay. Are vaginas can expand and, you know, babies can come on them. So you're probably be fine with this penis. I also get being out of practice, you know, with sex. Are you masturbating? Have you felt aroused? Have you had orgasms on your own?

Start to train for that. Start to train get your mind in a place of sensuality and arousal. So I think you'll be ready to go as long as you break up with your boyfriend. Just remember everyone seems attractive when we're in a dead end relationship. Everyone seems better and bigger, literally. And so it's going to feel a lot better, emotionally and physically, if you clean up all the loose ends. Alright? Thanks for your question.

Be right back with more Sex with Emily after the break. When Tony asked me what he can do about the anxiety that's keeping him from dating. This is from Tony, he's 45. Hey Dr. Emily, I've had a shoot with anxiety that I've gotten in the way of dating. During this whole COVID thing, it's gotten worse. I tried online dating in the past, but it just didn't work for me. I'm not trying to overcome my anxiety of asking someone out or even how to approach a woman just to talk. I feel like I don't have anything to say.

My female friend's state isn't true if I just relax and showed up as myself, I would be fine. I guess there's just this fear that hangs over me of not being good or interesting enough and he advice on how to overcome this fear. Alright, Tony, this is a great question and I think it's a common one too that a lot of us feel that we're not good enough for interesting enough. And I'm going to bet that maybe you feel that way in other areas of your life, that you're just not good or interesting enough.

And that's the kind of work that we have to continue to do on ourselves, realizing that you are good enough. I get that it's hard to put yourself out there because we're facing potential rejection. That's scary. They could go one of two ways. Either I'm going to get a yes or no and the no feels crippling But asking people out and practicing approaching women or anybody is a skill set and the more you do it the more comfortable You get practice practice. This is my message for everybody right now

We didn't have we didn't have the ability to be social the last year. So Getting groups of friends together going out and hanging out people that you feel comfortable with, and I think your female friends are right. I'm sure you are super comfortable with them, and probably with all of your friends. And so that's the same you, that's the same Tony that has to show up when you're out meeting people.

And so maybe next time you're hanging with your friends, can you remember to have a moment where you think, what am I doing right now? How am I feeling right now? How is my body standing? What am I saying? Because then you'll say, oh, this is the comfortable with himself, Tony, the confident Tony

that needs to show up when I'm approaching somebody. Because that Tony is the same Tony. You just have to remember how to access them. And sometimes that can be a great way to ground yourself in your body, like in those moments, even go to the bathroom if you're at a party or wherever, just think, like, what am I saying? How am I standing? That's a real experience that you can kind of channel that person and bring that into a

situation where you meet someone. Another tip for approaching someone is, and this is just about observe something going on, sharing an opinion, and then asking a question. So maybe you're standing in line for coffee. Observe something that you can both relate to. So, oh, I'm so glad that they added another kind of latte. I always get their lattes. What do you like here?

Or isn't it great to be in a line again? I never thought that we'd see lines after COVID. I never thought I'd be so excited to be standing in line. What a novelty. And then you could ask a question like, how's it been going for you? And just start talking to someone. You could even just say, hi, how's your day going? I mean, we think that we need like pick up lines or you think a very specific approach, but just observing something going on, asking questions, saying hello with confidence. And by confidence, I questions, saying hello with confidence. And by confidence, I mean, you're just that Tony self that is just, hey, how you doing?

And you can even practice the people you're not attracted to. I mean, just making it striking up a conversation with someone at the checkout or somebody that you just see you hold in the door for you or, you know, the other challenge about approaching is that sometimes we don't talk to anybody, but the people we're interested in. And then we think we should just be able to just be chatty. But it's actually a really nice thing too. It's a nice to just kind of say hello to everybody and how's their day and how's it going

and I don't know if in the Midwest. That's what we do all the time. So I feel like being a nice person and being a kind person will start to feel like yourself and make you feel confident because that's who you are and people like nice people and they like responding. So those are some ways to get you out of your head and into your comfort zone, Tony. And I think you're gonna be just fine

and let me know how it goes. I'm invested now, Tony, in your future. Okay, this is from Jenna 25 in Canada. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show. I'm 25 years old. I'm having trouble being interested in sex or relationship. In college, I mostly had one night stands and I've never been a long-term relationship. But now I'm going through some mental health issues. I'm super

nervous about meeting people and going on dates. I scroll through dating apps, chat with guys, sometimes make plans, but end up bailing. I think I'm interested in casual sex to get more experience and try new things, but that scares me. So maybe a relationship is a way to go. I don't know if you've advice for me to be more confident. My main fear is that I'm not the most experienced with sex. And I also put myself out there recently. It was blown off.

Appreciate your advice. Okay, Jenna. First, I want to say that if you're going through some mental health challenges right now, maybe it's the best to not put yourself out there, especially if you just got, you know, not, if you just, if you weren't treated very well by somebody, and especially an error where you feel vulnerable, but you could go out and date with people without the expectation of sex because getting to know someone and feel comfortable with them will allow

you to feel more safe, which will allow you to feel more comfortable and be yourself ultimately. And so I like where you're going with this, that you want to either have casual sex or get to know someone and I would say if you haven't had a relationship yet, why not go that route? Why not practice trying to get to know somebody and taking time and asking questions about what they're into and what they're interested in. So it's not just about the sex. And I would also say that this notion that we're really experienced lovers, if we've had more partners, isn't necessarily true. I know people who have had hundreds of partners and they were not the best lovers because

they were more about their own pleasure and doing their own thing. And so I think if you are in the moment and you pay attention with somebody and you are in touch with your body and you're in touch with them and again, it's someone that you feel comfortable with, that you'll be fine at sex. I want you to go slow and get to know somebody and maybe go on dates with a few people, right? Practice being with guys and finding who you like and you don't like. That's how we learn. We learn through dating and connection. Just take it slow. You're 25 years old. If you want to get your mental health in order and hang out with your friends right now, that's okay too. Take the pressure off yourself. Please.

We all put so much pressure on ourselves, including myself. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review myself. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this, they will too. Follow me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. If you want to ask me a question about sex dating or relationships, you can email me feedback

at sexwithemily.com or sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. And check out my website. We have so many articles on there helping you better sex and you can check out our guides at sexwithemily.com slash guides for free guides that will give you expansive tips and activities. Sign up for weekly emails because hey, I've been told I give really good emails. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.