Sex With Emily - First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage?

Episode Date: November 15, 2017

On today’s show, Emily’s helping callers get over their anxieties when it comes to relationships and the bedroom. She gives her advice on getting that sex drive up and rebuilding intimacy when there’s kids in the house, how to keep things hot and steamy during a threesome, ways to move past anxiety to enjoy sex again, and how to tell if you’re really ready for marriage – or if you’re being talked into it. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Mystery Vibe, Womanizer, Intensity, Fleshlight Turbo Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on Today's show I'm Taking Calls and Helping You Navigate Your Sex and Relationship Questions. Topics include how to move past anxiety to enjoy sex again, enhancing your libido and rebuilding intimacy when there's a house full of kids, keeping it sexy during a threesome and how to tell if you're really ready for marriage and not just being talked into it. All this and more, thanks for listening. You just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got to have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Is it a common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com.

You can easily subscribe to the podcast. I love when you subscribe to the podcast. It makes everyone's life so much easier. It's great when you review the show on iTunes or wherever you listen. And we've got some great podcasts lately. You guys have really been liking your two breast friends. I gave it Jamie, my assistant producer. That was a great show.

We talk about your breasts, but we also talk about some fun toys and some best sex tips. Also the Mask of Mask even Lindi with Lewis House, which is a great show to listen to about men's emotional and mental health and how you can help anyone in your life. And also getting touchy-feely with Brooke Burke. These are awesome great podcasts that have come out in the last few months.

We do two a week. I hope you enjoy the shows. And also check out the website because we're always updating the site with posts and blogs and things that will help you better sex and relationships. And as always, you can get more sex with Emily and social. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily. And we've been doing some Facebook lives lately and some Instagram lives during the show.

So if you've ever wondered, like, what goes on there in sex with Emily? I want to see this. you can check us out. And I love hearing from you on all those channels. You guys today's show is one of my favorites. We are taking your calls, and I love these shows because as you know, I love helping you answering your questions that you email me, but also when you do send me your questions,

you can select that you'd like to be called. I really enjoy these call shows because I feel like I can help you with words through your emails, but also when we get to talk, you'll see, we just get to break down some of your challenges right away when you go deeper and really have some real solutions. So I just love these shows. So if you're feeling a little anxiety rounded, when you're setting your question, I think after listening to this, you'll realize that, wow, if I get to talk to Emily for a few

minutes, my whole life can be changed. So thanks everybody for participating in these shows and I always love hearing from you and I hope you enjoy the episode. So now we are on to your calls. If you have a question you'd like me to answer on the show that's amazing. We've made it really easy to ask me a question. So just pick an option that's best for you. You can text me, ask Emily all one word to 7979.

That's ask Emily one word to 7979, 7979, that's Ask Emily, one word to 7979, 7979. And then you get a link back and you open that link and you ask your question. You can also submit a question from the Sex Family website via the Ask Emily tab. And that's another way to do it as well. So do that. Also include the information that will help me help you,

your gender, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And I can't wait to hear from you. Okay, we have Jordan. He's 20 from Texas and he thinks his anxiety is hindering his sex life. Hey, Jordan. Hey. Hey, thanks for calling the sex with Emily.

I'm glad to be on the show. Jordan, tell me about what's going on with you. What's going on, for a say, is that I've been in, I've been in relationship with this person for two years. And I have had this situation to rail due to this anxiety that I've had in regards to like just sex and things of that nature. Okay, yeah, keep going. And what would happen is she would tell me, yeah, if you were not so like you're doing a really good job or at least with things that would be like with oral or anything else of that matter. But when we come to actually getting down to it, it would always, like, my anxiety would

always eat me up. And then we wouldn't go anywhere. So, honestly, it would pretty much end there where it would start. And so, I was wondering as to, like, my anxiety is, is this really just something I have a deaf perception of or is it something that, you know, is this a failure on my part to maybe understand what's going on? Yeah, Jordan, okay, so let me understand what happens.

So you've been with your partner for two years and you're saying for the entire two years, you've been together, whenever you actually go to perform, like have intercourse, you get anxious and you, what happens? Like you get soft, you get too quickly, like how does that anxiety manifest? It's pretty much a mixture of both.

Okay, every time. Yes. Okay, and head view head sex before this. I don't know. Okay, so this is your first time, and with your partner, okay? And so, was there any other sexual activity you had in your past?

No, it's like this was pretty much like first go at it for the most part. Okay. It sounds to me like there might, and you, there might be some kind of other trigger to actually having sex. It was the first time you had sex, it's been happening,

and then the anxiety leading up to it, do you have anxiety in other parts of your life? Yes, I did. Okay, and have you been seeing a therapist? I have not been seeing a therapist, to it, do you have anxiety in other parts of your life? Yes, I do. Okay. And have you been seeing a therapist? I have not been seeing a therapist, but I've been self-medicating for it usually just trying to work out and like working through it, like making a point to journal and to make a point to write down like where my actual feelings are about it or to like work through, like just

what my own personal issues are. Yeah, that's just great stuff. Actually, like writing down on the journal and kind of, you know, reflecting on what's happening, I think that's, you know, working out can be great. I would think you're 20 years old and you've been having it for a while and I think it would be really important to get some help and to talk to a therapist or someone who can kind of help you with the anxiety because anxiety isn't even emotion if you can believe it or not.

Like, anxiety is really kind of oftentimes just what we feel when we're not able to feel other emotions. There could be other things that it helps you to deal with, maybe some fears or sadness or I don't even know what else is happening. I think that a lot of times you can maybe throw us some stuff you can think about, but that have come up or childhood stuff, and when we don't deal with these things, we just feel anxiety, let across the board. And so I feel like I love that you're trying to do it

on your own, but with mental health, it's really challenging. For the maintenance, sounds like you'll be great. If you go to see somebody for a while and they'll say, hey, I want you to journal every night, I want you to exercise and meditate, you'll do that. But I feel like you really should get some help with somebody and do you have insurance?

I do have insurance. Okay, well that's great because I know a lot of young people like I don't have insurance and it's expensive. People throw up a million reasons why they can't and I can just tell you that your mental health is the most important thing. Just like going to the doctor for a checkup, you have to get this checked out because I can't even break down. I'm not going to give you any advice about sex and how to do it here because I feel like

it's been two years, I've been going on. I just think that you should find someone who can help you with this. Sex therapists would be great, but I also think if it's, again, in your life for a long time, just starting with a general therapist would be very helpful right now. Okay. Yeah, I'm telling you, I know it will help you with everything. When I tell you about finding it, I would see two to three therapists until you find one that you really like because it's kind of like dating because this

is someone that you're going to have a long relationship with. You don't go three times. I mean, it's really a commitment where you're going to do such amazing growth in your life and you're going to learn so many things that I would try to find someone that just really be totally honest with this person, tell them everything. You've nothing to lose. They're not judging you and to find someone who can work with you around your anxiety.

Because I feel I want you to experience great sex and connection with your partner and I think that's where it's gonna start. It's therapy. Okay, you're welcome, Jordan, go do that. You feel so much better, thanks for calling, bye. Yeah, you guys anxiety is a plague. I'm telling you, we are all suffering

from so much anxiety now, even more so than ever. I think that doing meditation and writing and exercise, all that's really important. But a lot of times we're just trying to, like I said, repress, suppress certain emotions and feelings and we learn just to feel anxiety. So like, no matter what's happening, you could be happy, you feel anxious, you could be sad, you feel anxious. So once you get into a trained therapist who can kind of help you, you know, with wherever

the anxiety's coming from and help you regulate it is a great thing to do. Okay, our next call we have Laura. She's 28 from South Dakota and she wants more sex, but she's got three kids and a lot going on. Hi Laura, thanks for calling. Hi. Hi. Tell me a little what's going on here with you.

Some more background. Well, I've got three kids. I've been three kids. I've been pregnant or growing basically. So the last five years. Wow. I'm still breastfeeding my whole month old. But we've just kind of hit a little slow spot.

And I just feel like even before I was pregnant, I didn't have much of a sex drive. Even before you were pregnant. OK. And how long have you been married or with your partner? We've been together for 14 years or high school sweetheart, but we've been married for six. Okay, so you've been together for 14 years. Is he the only person you've been with? Yep. Okay, but there's a lot, and you've never really been into sex?

In probably the beginning of your birth. Yeah, when you were like 15, 16. Yeah, right. And were you on the birth control pill? Were you on the birth control pill? I was. I have not been for probably seven years now. Okay, just curious about that. So since you've had kids, you haven't been on the pill. So your question is really, you're not feeling any desire and you're wondering just how do you how do you get it back?

How do you get that sex drive back? Yeah. Okay, I mean that's a lot of kids. So it's three kids, probably at your 28 years old, do you have help? Um, yeah. Okay, good. So you have like someone helping with the kids and how is your relationship with your partner? Your husband.

I think it's really solid. Okay. We're very open to each other. Right. That's good open with each other. Right. That's good. That's good. And so, just know that, like, kids pregnancy, like, that's all going to take a serious toll on your sex drive.

That's just going to happen. You're exhausted. I mean, I'm exhausted thinking about your life right now. So, just understand that, okay? And so, I feel like the more that you really take time to prioritize your sexual health, your sexual health is so important, your sexual emotional health is the most important thing. So I feel like couples don't often prioritize sex. We kind of think, oh, we're just going to, our sex life is going to be great like it

once was or it'll work again when it's supposed to. But the truth is, it's the more that you get further and further away from that intimate connection with your partner, you know, the harder it can be to kind of get it back on track. And so there's a few things you could do here. I mean, like some specific things is that I feel like if you have time to do this, I feel like you can't take time out to take a bath at night to masturbate. I mean, self-care is really key, especially when you're depleted and you think you can't take any time for yourself.

That's actually the key to getting back in touch with your body and more in touch with your partner. So, do you ever do that like take an hour at night for a bath or even half hour to do something for yourself? Probably not, I'm not taking my shit. Right. I mean, let me tell you something. Women are not wired this way.

We are worried to be the caretakers, but everyone else in front of us. And then we come last, if there's anything left. And then we get depleted, you know, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, just depleted, which sounds like you probably are right now. And so I feel like if you feel like you can't do that on your own, what about having the conversation with your husband about your sex life and connection? Like, is it, what's the dynamic now? Is he just, does he try to have sex and you're exhausted

or is he just kind of, tell me what, explain to me what's going on? He used to, he probably has an effect now just because it was more frustrating for both of us than anything. Right, yeah, I can understand that. Frustrating because you weren't turned on. Right, you didn't want it.

I'd probably more often just say no or not right now. Right, we can move on with today. And then he doesn't want to be rejected. Yep, right, so that's what happens. So what happens is when couples try to put sex on the back burner, which so many do for exactly the reasons you're talking about your sonar alone here,

what happens is once sex on the back burner, it's hard to get it off. Because you're like, well, look at back to that, once they've not so tired, or once the kids are in school, and once they graduate, it's gonna be forever. So I feel like right now you have to let them know,

and say, baby, I love you, and our sex life is really important, and I want to have sex with you again. I want to connect with you, and I'd like to talk to you at some options, or something, or something we could do to kind of reconnect. And so I think to, you can kind of look at this, and say something that would actually be talk to you about some options or some things we could do to kind of reconnect. And so I think to kind of look at this

is something that would actually be enjoyable to you. So I'll give you a few things you could do together and some things you could do alone. I think it's great when you are rebuilding intimacy to kind of take sex off the table and just say, you know, let's just kind of start to touch again. Because a lot of intimacy is just touching, massage, giving you, he gives you a foot massage,

you give him a bat, whatever kind of massage and touch you like, take a bath together and just start connecting again. Do you guys do a lot of touch at touch at all in your relationship? Not as much for you, too. Right. So how do you think that would feel to just kind of start? I would like it, yeah. Okay.

And I bet you he would too. I mean, I would think that he would like that. And I think it's just kind of, and of course, if you have sex, that's okay too, that would be great. But I think that couples can think, God, it's going to be sex and not at one, and it's big pressure. But if you just say, let's start to get to know each other again. Like, let's play with this.

Like, let's start with massage and touching and maybe talking about some things that would really turn you both on that you'd like to try. Just talk about the state of your sex life. And I would say, let's just start having, you know, a date night, like three minutes a week or an hour a week, we do our date night, we take our time and we are going to focus on each other. And I'm telling you, date night as simple as it seems, so many couples don't do it, but it's a huge relief for a lot of couples. They know they have that one night where they come together and they connect. So do you guys do that at all?

Do you have one night? We have it since my young kids have been born. Okay. Hope to get back to that here all. Do you have one night? We haven't since my young kids have been born. Okay. We hope to get back to that here soon. So you have help and I would say that you have to get back to it because you go to dinner, it's you get dressed up, you know that sex could happen, it's going to be your night and even if you're exhausted, you can walk to a place around the corner, you know, go somewhere really close. It's not about what you do. It's about connecting and being intimate and looking to each other's eyes, not talking about the kids and just feeling like it's just that same thing that you felt when you

met them, right? You got to bring that back. You're not setting up, there's no situation in your life right now that would it all look like eroticism and not sex. Like, nothing in your life is driving you guys towards having a hot, passionate sex because you don't have the time, you don't have the libido for it, you don't, you don't, I mean, you're not even connecting. So I feel like starting with a date night and then talk to them about sex and connecting and touching again would be a great way to start. Sure. That's good.

And then on your own, if you masturbation, I'm telling you the more that you masturbate, the more you put a top of mind, the more you're going to want to masturbate, the more you're going to want to have sex. Like you have to wake up that whole part of yourself because you just get birthed to three babies. I'm sure you're very disconnected. You might be experiencing some pain, doing your kegel exercises. I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp. You can download it.

It reminds you to do them. There's kegel balls. The bloom by Wevibe is an amazing, it's a vibrator and it's a toy and you wear it and it measures the strength of your exercises. But the amazing thing about Kegels is that it's not just for strong pelvic floor, which is really important. It's just kind of like you're putting attention

on your vagina, on your pelvic region for five minutes a day, and just that attention will start to wake it up again. So these are a few things you can do, I think that will really start to wake you up and connect you with your partner. Awesome. Yeah, okay, good.

Let me know how it goes. Yeah, okay, good. Let me know how it goes. Also, we have a few blogs on the website that would be helpful. One's called Three Myths about low libido, and there's mind, body, and low libido, tricks to take control of your sex drive that might be really helpful for you. Awesome, that's right. I'm out. Okay, thanks for calling Laura.

You got it. Thank you. Congratulations on the babies. Now, when you drink in your sex life, bye. Yeah, you guys, this is the modern dilemma. What do we do when we think of your sex life, bye. Yeah, you guys, this is the modern dilemma. What do we do when we don't want sex? When we're really busy, we've lots of kids,

lots of jobs, whatever's going on, it's the last thing on our mind. And I'm telling you, like everything else in your life, you prioritize, you know, your health, your spirituality, your religion, your family, you have to prioritize your sex life. Put it back on the table. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break

and give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you everybody for supporting them, help keeping this show free, and I know you all have been loving all the products. So I love hearing from you. I love when you send me like snaps and pictures of you guys, when you're like, look, I got my Jo Lu, look at the revive toys I got, that's super fun.

So thanks for doing that and for supporting them, and we'll be right back. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Okay, our next call is John. He's 36 from Idaho, and he's not sure that he's ready for traditional marriage and perhaps considering an open relationship. Hi, John. Thanks for calling. Hey, I'm good. I'm so glad you called. I'm really looking forward to talking to you. Yeah. Thank you for taking my call. Of course, I want to work this through with you, so tell me what's going on. So, my girlfriend recently proposed to me, which is awesome, not a problem. She is eight years younger than me.

I've been married once before. First time just didn't pan out for my fault or her fault. But the question came up about pre-nuptial agreement. I am eight years older than her. I have a good job. I have a pension. I have quite a bit of money in the bank, whereas she has approximately $30,000 in student debt. And I kind of want an open relationship and we've talked about it, but she's not ready to do that or have an open marriage. The idea of maybe bringing, I guess, a unicorn into the marriage, maybe years down the road,

might be a possibility. Right. I'm quiet. But I feel like I might be studying my self-help for failure and hurting financially down the road. Right, right. Well, to feel like that's okay. So the pre-nup thing, that's one thing we but I want to know how long have you guys been together?

Three years three years and Could you picture spending your your the rest of your life with her like forget everything else about sex and people? Like she's the one. Oh, we have yeah, we have awesome sex, but at the same time, you know, I've been married once before I've also been in some long-term relationships and You know the sex part sex part is great, but sometimes you do want another person. Absolutely, man. You're really all ready. No, it's three years. There's other relationships.

Yeah, no, that's being human. Maybe I'm a little bit older than... Okay. No, really. I think a lot of men and women feel that way in relationships, it's very, very common. They do, but some of you'll just kind of like decide not to, you know, they don't act on it. They're like, I'm gonna commit to this person

and I'm not going to, but I really don't think it's completely natural and I think it's a challenge for everybody what people often talk about. So I think it's great. So don't feel bad, John, that you want to be the other women or think about it even. So that is like, it's actually more common than not and so you're fine. So don't feel guilty that you didn't do anything wrong at all.

So you're good there. She's not willing to have the open relationship. Right. In the future and maybe bringing a third person into you. Yeah, she's not open to it because it might be a compromise, but I'm not sure I can know. I get it. No, it's a big, so many people don't understand that.

You might not want that. You might know what that looks like. But here's my question for you. Between your last long-term relationship and this long-term relationship, do you have any time off without dating? No, I ended up moving to Idaho from somewhere else that was a college town and essentially I moved into a very small community of about 200 people.

And so the dating pool here really wasn't very much. Right. So you were married for how long before? What age to what age? I Was married from 29 we dated for a few years before that And then I jumped into another long-term relationship And then now into this long-term relationship. So you've never just been like single John dating, kind of like getting like dating, sleeping with whoever, just having fun, taking time alone.

Never. Do you have kids? No. You don't have kids, right? No, I don't. No, just for a baby. Right. Oh, animals, right.

Furbies, yes. No, I hear you. Those are, yes. I get it. I got it. So I don't know, John, there's a lot of things I'm thinking about. There's a few things that I feel that maybe you just need

time without a woman in your life to figure out who is John. Like what do you really want? Like I get that you live in a small town and that is a consideration that there's a very small dating pool. But I feel like when we don't ever have time alone in our adult life going from one to the next next we don't really even have time to think about like who am I without a partner? What do I really want to do? What am I attracted to? You know maybe I want to have sex with, have a three-sum, or have sex with someone one night, and then the next night somebody else

and just kind of do my own thing. I think that's part of growing up and understanding, like, who we are, and I don't feel like you've done that work yet. And I think that's really important. Because maybe you're just like, it's okay to just be not ready yet from marriage. Because you haven't had, it feels like you've been with someone since you were 27, but maybe even before that,

you seem like a really good guy. So you've always been in a relationship probably since you were in high school, right? You know, a long term sitter. Yeah. I guess you seem like an awesome guy. She's proposing to you. She wants to nail you down. You sound like really attractive.

You've got a big bank account. I'm not going to ask you about other things that are big. No, but I'm saying that being appropriate, but I've bought you, like, you just seem like the sweet, you were really big heart, you're really caretaking, you're nurturing. That's like all these women just love you. And I'm wondering if you're getting your needs, if you know what your needs are, A, and B, if you're getting them met. And I don't even mean sexually, I mean across the board. Like your emotional needs, your physical needs, your time alone needs, like your, I don't know. I'm just wondering if you even know what that is yet.

You know, I would feel totally solid marrying her as like my one primary person. Mm-hmm. But it's actually like, so you want to, okay. So, I want to grant fire, I want to have sex with other people and not- When you're one, what'd you say when you're what? I don't think that's My wife's are fire I get it dude. I get it like right now. I'm fire there

So I feel like she's the one you want to be with and she's got to understand that this is something that you're into and that Here's the thing She might just be saying no, okay, let me tell you a lot of women. You're an. I'm not gonna get around here in LA. They'd be like oh really another guy wants an open relationship It would be very different, but you're and I am from Michigan. I get it. They're like what that works But I think it's more common than not and but I think she also might not totally even understand what that looks like She's thinking this year when he or she's thinking oh my god I'm not enough for him He doesn't think I'm hot. He wants to have sex with other women.

He probably thinks all my friends are attractive. He wants to sleep with that girl at work. I saw him talking to that time. I mean, that's what she's thinking, right? She's an understanding that actually bringing another woman into the room, into having a threesome could mean that she'll be getting some kind of, if she's into women, she might not even know yet, but that she could be getting some kind of sexual pleasure that she's never experienced.

So I feel like if this is your girl, this is your woman that you guys need to do your own sexual inventory together. Like you kind of got to have one of these like take this off the table right now, the three summer, the unicorn and just be like, babe, what really like turns you on like, let's go to a sex toy store and go shopping. Let's go online to Emily's website even and like look at some things she has or let's each write down three fantasies that we have and kind of exchange it. Like your exchange papers and let's try to do these three things before the end of the

year. So you can start to have a dialogue about, and that might feel like you're actually having sexually different person if you're having different experiences. Because the reason why your lines are on fire right now is you're kind of craving different experiences. And women, I'm sure. But if she started like, I don't know what your fantasy is,

but if she started doing like, strip tease for you or started, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, like that's not the problem. I'm not sure what else we could do. We should stop your story. What? Listen to your podcast on road trips. You do it all, you do?

Okay, so you're doing it all, so you really, you're up for it. I will look over here. So you literally want a third part, you want to have sex with someone else. So do you want to have sex without her in the room or you want her to be there? Preferably. I don't want her to be there. Honestly, it's sort of like, I heard somebody get quite a put, you know, I have to like your favorite cheeseburger. Like, but are you going to eat that same cheeseburger throughout the rest of your life? Right. No, it's going

to be as good. Probably not. Right. I gotcha. No, I'm telling you a lot of people feel this way. So I feel like she's, you're right. I get it. Having sex with one person for the rest of your life can be challenging for sure. And you don't want to cheat. You're not that guy. So obviously you gotta talk to her about it. I don't know how you're gonna get her to sign up for this. Like, I really feel like, unless she's younger than you

and she loves you and she's like feeling like, you guys would be together forever and the thought of you going off of being with someone else is just killing her. She can't wrap her head around it, even though it is, I don't think she's probably mature enough emotionally or even, to understand how that's even possible.

You know what I'm saying? But also on the flip side of it is like, she probably does love you and want to please you. So if there's a way that she can understand this, I feel like maybe seeing a good sex therapist would be so helpful for you guys because it sounds to me like, John, I like you because you're like, no, I know what I want.

She's my woman, we want to be together, I'd see your understand that I'm gonna have sex with other people. And I have to tell you that I had a guy from once, he was very similar to you, he was by your age, and he said to me, and he's very powerful, like one of the most successful men I know and he said, I really want to marry her, I've been together, but like I just want a hall pass. Like I want to know that if I can go out and just know that I can have sex, like that'll kind of take some of that I can marry her, but just to know that I can

would give me this huge, I'm like, well, tell her. I mean, I think I accept or maybe you need to help it. I don't remember what happened. And I mean, I don't remember how the conversation went down. I said, talk to her about it. think I said, Joe, maybe you need to help. I don't remember what happened. I mean, I don't remember how the conversation went down. I said, talk to her about it. And she said, okay, that's fine, baby. I just don't want to know. Don't make it one of our friends. And they got married.

And they're still together. And they're happy. So what I'm saying is, you get to decide what works here for you. That's a great thing right now. Like, there's not one way to be married. Especially now, I think people are really kind of defining their own relationship rules because you get to do that. So until death do is powered and having sex with one person isn't necessarily work for everybody. For most people it doesn't. So I feel like you could

ask for a haul pass. I know some therapist that you could buy a talk to on the phone. You guys could do like a Skype call that might be more equipped than somebody who's maybe an Idaho not a judge. Idaho. I'm just not sure that like. Uh, no, you'd be dead straight. Yeah, they don't get it there. But I feel like, yeah, so let me say we'll email you some names of some counselors you can talk to because I think you're going to need some help with this one. Did you love her? Okay, John, how's that?

Yeah, absolutely. You know, I know Jim Montana gets a hall pass. We've discussed that. Yeah. Like this isn't totally an uncommon thing. It isn't. You know, we're all raised with these regular norms. No, right. Well, I'm part of you for bringing. I'm glad you brought it up. It's just an uncommon thing. It is. You know, we're all raised with these regular norms. No, right.

Well, I'm part of you for bringing. I'm glad you brought it up. Yeah. So, yeah, he gets a whole pass. You might get one too. So, I think you got to figure this out and be honest. And I love that you're doing that. Therapy will be great for you guys and all around.

Okay. Let me know what happens, John. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Thanks, Latvai. That's really interesting. I feel like a lot of guys go into marriage thinking, and women, they're like, okay, yeah,

I know that I'm going to want to sleep with someone else one day, and I'll probably just cheat, or if it happens, I don't need to tell my partner, but I think that John's handling it correctly right now, that he's facing it before he walks down the aisle. He's being honest with his partner that like, hey, I might want to have sex with someone else. Let's talk about it, because it's more common than not. I think that we all kind of are going to want some action on the side. Many people. So I love that he's talking about it.

Okay, we have Michael. He's 43 from Tampa and he's never had previous performance issues but he's having them now. Hi, Michael. Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you doing? Great. Tell me about how you're doing. Tell me what's going on, some background. So background is that my girlfriend and I agreed to include other people in our relation in the bedroom and I obviously decided to go first and include the man and when we were all together I couldn't perform. With the man. You know, three or four times I got correct and couldn't do anything. Okay. Just go away. That's okay because there was another man in the room with your girlfriend the three of you

Three some got it. Yes, okay Was he was was you were you both were you touching each other at all? Were you guys connecting or was it more about pleasureing your wife? No, it was all over girlfriend your girlfriend Okay, so your girlfriend Is it more about pleasuring your wife? No, it was all about a girlfriend. Your girlfriend? It wasn't about me and him. Yeah. Okay, it's about your girlfriend. Yeah. Oh, explain to you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait friend on my white nose about it and we have been seeing each other for almost a year and

she wanted me to have another female so I thought it would be fair to have another male and I decided to. I'm sorry, wait, your girlfriend wants you to have another female as well? Yeah. Got it. So, okay, your girlfriend wants you to have like a three-some with her with another female and you're like, Annamal and you're like, okay, let's try the male, three-sym-first. Got it.

Yeah. Okay. So, I'm with you. And then obviously, I had the performance issue. I finally did one time get at the work, but so my biggest concern is that I've got normal first of all. Secondly, that's not going to expect this. There's another female.

I mean, it's a little weird for me because I've never had a problem before at all. Well, I feel like it's probably having another... I would think it would be a male in the room, but I don't really know what it is. Because I wasn't there, but do you remember your emotions? Do you remember where you were excited going into it? Were you turned on? Were you nervous? Did something happen? Very excited. No, I was excited.

We were enjoying her and doing what was going on, watching and participating in the point that I could. Just when it came time for me to do work, it didn't work. OK, and this has never happened. You're 43 years old. Has anything else changed in your life for you on any medication? Were you drinking drugs? Nothing.

Nothing. You're sober. You're healthy. Sober, healthy. No issues. Yeah. I mean, honestly, well, first of all, you know, after the age of 40 men do have some penis challenges that weren't that didn't exist before, but this might just be the

case of that it was a new scenario and that you, you know, that you didn't, and also having another penis in the room, even though you weren't like threatened by it, that could also, like, oh my god, this is not hot. Like literally, like, you lost your erection because it just, I think that for a guy who's like, never, I don't think you've probably been in a room with another erect penis, have you? Maybe. Well, okay. So, right. Well, okay. So for, I understand like at the gym, but I don't, I mean like in a sexual

situation with your girlfriend, another man, like, maybe you just lost it because you weren't really a rouse, though. Like it just kind of turned you off in some way, you know, it would, maybe it felt like a threat, not on a conscious level, like a pre-conscious level. Yeah, that could be it. So I- It was done. Yeah, absolutely.

And so what could happen, the best thing to do when this happens, and if it happens next time, like when you're with the woman, is just to like not trip on it, thinking about anxiety, it gets more anxiety. So if you can be like, oh, look at that, I will lip, and I would talk to your girlfriend beforehand and say, babe, this happens, I just need you to like start. I don't know what it is, like what's something that she will live and you i would talk to your girlfriend before hands they pay this if this happens i just need you to like start i don't know what it is like what's something that she does that turned you on more than anything it could be talking dirty it could be a blowjob it could be

tell me what she does that turned you on anything i mean blowjob's work i mean that's what got me erect the three times for this finally the four time you know but it was just play every time I was ready to do my part, the direction would just go away. She would be on the very beginning of the wreck.

It was just me on the performance end. Right, right. So three times she went down and got a card again and then it went like limp right away. Yeah, as soon as I would go to go to her and just like, like, like, like, like, right. And where was he? Where was the guy? Um, she was, you know, either, you know, giving him a little job or he was

sucking on the blast with something like that. I mean, to me, this is classic. Like, there's another man, like, literally, it's biology. Like, there's another man there with your woman, his penis is a reactor there. He's pleasing her, you're not, which would make me anxious. You know what I'm saying?

Like the first, like I get it. So it's something there was a lot going on there. I'm like, it's okay that this is the one time you have performance issues. I really wouldn't create a big thing about it. And if you could even just kind of, if you guys are having another threesome with the woman you said coming up,

I love your schedule. It sounds really fun. Do you like another threesome this weekend? But this time with the woman, I would just like, if any time your brain's going to oh shit, I hope I can perform to think about wow, it's gonna be so hot root to women, I can't wait to please them, I can't wait for them to please me. And just like literally cover this with all really great feelings and happiness and joy

rather than focusing on is it's gonna happen. And also if in the moment if it happens, no big deal. Like same thing like your girlfriend can maybe they'll both give you a blow job this time. You're like, you know what, I need both of you on me. But I don't think it's going to happen. I think it makes perfect sense why I happened last time and I think you're going to rock at this next one. I just such faith in you. Okay, cool Michael, you got this. I love your life. Yeah, thanks. Okay, bye. Have a great day. Thanks Michael. Bye.

It's interesting with performance issues around men that it's so true that with anything the more we think about, the more we think about things during sex, about anxieties or worries, women do this too. Am I going to come? Am I going to have an orgasm? Will it happen? We're not going to. So if you find that you're thinking more during sex than you're feeling, you're probably

preventing and you know, something great from happening and this is when a lot of the performance issues happen. This is why I don't want this is when a lot of the performance issues happen. This is where I don't want him to spend a lot of time thinking about it and worrying about it, because a lot of times it can just be a one-off situation where you didn't get hurt, you came too quickly, you didn't have an orgasm. Happens all the time, but I think that the more fuel we give to it, the more likely it's going to repeat. So that's why I just want to focus on all the good stuff and not trip up on it.

Thanks everyone for listening to this show. That was fun, right? I like the collar shows. So remember, when you're sending in your questions, you can just check the box and we will set up a time to call you for one of these shows. It's always a good time, right? I feel so good talking to you. Okay, so thanks everybody for listening

and thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our intern Shannon and Jenny, producer, Lark and Michael. It was a good for you. Email me feedback at sexwithamily.com. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT