Sex With Emily - First Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome

Episode Date: February 24, 2021

Do you remember your first time? It could be your first date, first threesome, first orgasm, or your first time experimenting with a new position. No matter what it is, any “first” experience can feel intimidating, but I’m here to help eliminate any fear that might be holding you back.I answer questions about how to navigate first-time experiences: having sex, getting on a dating app, performing oral sex, trying anal play, and other adventures. Whether it’s your first time or you want to expand your sexual repertoire, this episode will encourage you to try something new and sexy.For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Don't slow. I don't even mean when you actually have his penis in your mouth, but kissing his inner thighs is outer thighs. Using your hands, you know, moving him around his body, use your tongue. Start to kiss him. Start to kiss up his shaft. The tip. You don't have to put your whole mouth around it yet. Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Do you remember your first time? I mean, it could be your first time using a dating app, your first orgasm, your first time doing oral sex, or your first time even having a healthy sex conversation.

Well, no matter what it is, all firsts have a certain level of curiosity and we also get intimidated. Sometimes we have fear and that just holds us back from actually trying anything new. So what I'm doing in this episode is I break down your questions into easy to follow steps. Or maybe you're a pro, this episode's gonna help you feel prepared to tackle anything new in your sex

or dating life. Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting an intention. I do it, I encourage you to join me and do the same. It really helps to ground yourself in what you wanna learn. It could be, I'm afraid of not being good at things, so I don't try anything and don't know where to start. Mine is to give you all the tools you need

to make every experience as successful as possible, whether it's your first time or your 50th time. Also, we have a lot of new listeners to the show. So, hello and welcome. Just so you know, we have so many podcasts. A lot of you I know are going back and listening to the early ones, which is great, you know, sex is evergreen. Have fun. And also, we have a new website we launched. It's completely updated so you can find information of what you're looking for. You have a lot of articles, podcasts, great new guides, they're downloadable guides.

Are yes, no, maybe list, communication tips, edging. So check them out at sexwithemily.com slash guides. You can follow me on all social media, sex with Emily, and you can also send your questions, feedback at sexwithemily.com. Enjoy the show. Before we get into the first experiences, we got so many emails from you and questions all the time saying, how do I have this conversation?

How do I ask for what I want? How do we try kinkier play? But I wanted to remind you why it might be hard for you to do things outside your comfort zone. We get comfortable in life. We're not going to get hurt here. No one's going to reject us. You know, we're going to be sort of following the status quo. And it's fine, right? Nothing's wrong with it. But for so many of us, life just feels the same all the time. Everything just becomes a little bit boring. A lot of us all crave, you know, most of us, we crave variety in a relationship.

Yeah, our sex might have been amazing at the beginning, but if you're doing the same thing over and over again or it becomes a routine, that's just when we start thinking, huh, maybe I want to try something new. And this is the chance to change it up. Now, a lot of us don't change up things when it comes to sex or

our relationship. We do not try anything new because we don't want to rock the boat, but we also are nervous of being rejected, whenever said our partner is going to think that we're blaming them for something that they're actually bad lovers, so we just don't do it. And so a few tips I have just remember this. First thing getting your way is probably fear. Fear is stopping us from doing so many things. Don't be afraid to try it, try a new skill. Everyone's a little nervous with something new, but your partner's a little bit nervous too that you're even talking about sex, but that can bring you together and that's going

to be a really great hurdle to jump through. Just facing your fears and doing it anyway. Another thing is start small. You don't have to have the whole conversation at once. You don't even have to be perfect at giving oral for the first time. You can take baby steps. The other thing is, this is the most important thing.

I want you guys to persevere. Don't give up on something right away when it's awkward or uncomfortable. Very rarely are we good at something that we've never done before. Beginners lock. I mean, it's sure that can happen every once in a while, but it's not going to happen in this area, okay?

So you might fall down a lot, it might feel uncomfortable and awkward, but eventually you stand back up, you keep going, it's never as bad as you think, and I promise you, if you follow these tips and try some first-of-your-relationship, it will strengthen your relationship. It's going to help you with all that, maybe you've been feeling bored or there hasn't been a lot of variety and things are the same. This is time to do it. Face the fear.

Have fun trying something now. I'm here for you. All right, this email is from Nicole26 at Arizona. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm 26 years old. I've had a few relationships, but I'm with my life partner. Since I've been with him, it's brought to light our out of tune I am with my body and what I want.

When I was younger in sexual relationships, everything was new and exciting and I thought I was doing it right. I mean, it felt good, but in my early 20s, I started to realize how important self pleasure really is. My current boyfriend is the only one I've ever told I've not had an orgasm with a partner. Before I met him, I bought a vibrator and I wanted to learn about myself. I tried touching myself and basically I would just get bored and impatient my mind would race about everything unrelated to orgasm. And then I realized when I tried to use a vibrator, I didn't even know how to use it. But now with my current guy, he's ignited a light in

me. I've told him I've never had an orgasm with a partner He seems cool with it And he's really supportive and open and he wants me to feel okay He doesn't shame me. He doesn't rush me and you've made me feel so normal to be a sexual passionate loving being But I don't know what I want still where do I start? How do I use a vibrator? How do I get on this journey so I can access the higher realms of pleasure and ecstasy that I know I deserve? He's going to realize how badly I do want it, but now I have no idea where to start.

Thanks for everything you do. Thank you so much for your email Nicole. So there's a few things that came out in your email here for me. First of all, know it's great that you've come to this point and you realize that this is something that you you want to try and you want to figure out. You mentioned a lot in here like your mind races outside the bedroom so it would make sense when you get in the bedroom that your mind is racing as well. So the best practice is to start to learn about mindfulness, meditation, breathing, you can take a breathwork class online, and then that's

going to serve you when you get into the bedroom. Important to prioritize it a few times a week, you time, where you can lock the door, set the mood, definitely get some lube, and black out all distractions. And this is just your time to start to figure out your body again. the goal though is exploration and not orgasm. You can experiment with touch, your fingers, light touch, tapping on your labia, your clitoris. And again, when I say curious, it's just you going into your body and starting to breathe when your mind starts racing again. Because orgasm is energy. And if you're in your head and you're worrying about is this it? Am I doing it? Is this right? You're going to be actually blocking that

flow of energy. So what you might want to do, you picture yourself breathing into your pelvic floor and picture your favorite color. Maybe it's purple. And then when you are inhaling, picture a light, purple light coming up from your pelvic floor all the way up to the top of your head, breathing in and then breathing out again. And I found when I have something to go back to in the moment, it gets me away from my thoughts. You might even be able to picture the arousal building in your body and moving through it. It's kind of what an orgasm is.

So experiment with different kinds of touch, use the vibrator if you want, and this is a practice. So it's okay if your mind races and it doesn't work the next time. You keep trying, I have a friend in college who spent 30 days masturbating, and it took her, it wasn't until the third week that she finally had an orgasm. She did everything on life. She was like, what does this feel like? What she used her fingers outside, she used them inside and she got so curious and it finally happened. So I don't know how long it's gonna take you,

but you have this notion that every woman just magically has one and there's something wrong with you. There's not. We also have a lot of great posts on our site about masturbation tips and I just want you to have fun with it and enjoy getting to know yourself. All right, this is Tyler, 27 in Boston. Dear Dr. Emily, my name is Tyler.

I'm a new listener to your podcast, and I love how you break down and talk through each topic. What brings me here is I'm curious to know how real cuffing season is. I bring this up because I'm 27 years old living in Boston. I got out of a two relationship five months ago, and it was hard to be single again, but I went back to therapy,

I listened to some dating advice books, I even started working out again, I lost 20 pounds and I'm happier than I was a few months ago. And even with therapy being in better shape and new dating advice, I'm not having any luck on the dating apps, I'm using Tinder and Bumble and Hinge, and I also noticed that women are looking

for a lot of similar qualities. Someone who's funny, make them laugh, someone who's career motivated, knows what they want out of life. Someone who's in shape and is active. And I'm all of those things. I even do comedy as a hobby. I have a really good job and I know what I want.

I'm not trying to throw a pity party, but I've noticed a number of matches I've been getting have been decreasing significantly over the last few months. Do you think coughing season is a contributing factor? I mean, I imagine COVID is also a big factor, but I wanna know what you think this could be. All right, Tyler, thanks for your question. And you sound like a really solid guy.

You're doing the work on yourself. You've been to therapy, you've lost weight, you know what you want, and you're thinking about all the right things. So I just wanna give you credit right there there because not every guy is like that. I appreciate a man who's actually done the work on himself, right? So, I want to know first, what are you saying in your messages when you meet these women? Are you being direct?

Are you just saying, hi? I know a lot of women, if a guy just says hi, they're just going to delete it. They want to know that you read their profile that you're supposed to say. Use your comedy skills here, right? This is what you've been preparing for. And ask your questions, make sure that you read the profiles. And I like the idea of making a plan right away. And I know that during COVID, it's not as easy to meet people right now, but I recommend

making a FaceTime date, zoom, you know, something so you can sort of get to know the person. You can say, I have 15 minutes, let's chat for a few, and this just helps kind of weed other people out, and then you're automatically making an immediate plan, because it's really frustrating to go back and forth and you keep texting with someone for weeks, so I would be direct and specific.

Make sure you read their profiles. Also, what about your profile? Do you have any close girlfriends or a sister or a cousin or anyone who could look at your profile and give you tips? Try to have photos without sunglasses on. So many guys at photos with sunglasses, and it's like, we want to see your eyes. I want to look into your soul.

That's what we want. And we don't want all the group photos, right? Group photos, we don't want to play like, where's Waldo? Like, who are you? We don't have time, we're swiping. We just want pictures of you. We don't love the fish, the guns, the dead fish.

That's a trend. We don't, maybe some women want to see fish. Good lighting is important. Some women like Dodd photos, some don't. There's been some studies lately. Just do you. I'm asking Tyler that you be you in the Ross form and get some advice from some women in your life.

Show what makes you different and unique. Where do you stand out? Rather than saying, you know, I like tacos and going to and watching Netflix like who doesn't. But how do you showcase your personality? I know that Hinge does that well because they ask you very specific questions and that stuff matters. So have your personality shine through your profile

and be direct, be specific and be patient. Okay Tyler, thanks for your question and let me know how it goes. This is from Gunther32. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm 32 ex-pregnant and I'd love to keep my husband pleased after I deliver. But that being said, I've never given him a blowjob. I know you've said many times how important oral sex is, but I just don't like the thought of a penis in my mouth.

Are there any tips or suggestions you have for me to get over my anxiety of performing oral sex? I recently found your podcast and I love listening to your advice. Thanks for all you do. All right, Gunther, well congratulations on your new baby. You're going to be a new mom, so I don't think you have to like, when you come home in the hospital, go on and give your husband a blowjob. But I'm sure he's going to appreciate it so much that you're thinking about it. And you could let him know if you haven't, that it's something that you've been thinking about because sometimes just the anticipation of talking about it and letting him know that you can't wait to do it and you're ready to do it can be just as hot.

First, let's talk about you. The fear of having a penis in your mouth, I'm just wondering to look at where that came from, where there's some messages going up that maybe it wasn the fear of having a penis in your mouth. I'm just wondering to look at where that came from. Were there some messages growing up that maybe it wasn't cool to have a penis in your mouth or do you know if some friends do it, some weird experiences with it? So, that's something to examine right now. And also, here's the thing about oral sex is that I don't want you just to be doing it because you think, oh, my husband's going to like it.

But I want you to know that the cool thing about oral sex is, once you remove all of the shame and all the worries we have around it and you get into it, you realize that there's actually pleasure in giving and receiving. Trust me, I know. I might not sound that way. Why did they call the blowjob? I don't know why they call the blowjob. That's just not good marketing for the blowjob either because then everyone giving a blowjob is like, I have a friggin job right now. So once we clear all that out and you're like, okay, I really want to try something now. Just like all of my tips with sex, any sexual act, go slow. Like I don't even mean when you're actually have his penis in your mouth, but the whole experience of kissing his inner thighs,

his outer thighs, using your hands, you know, experience of kissing his inner thighs is outer thighs, using your hands, you know, moving them around his body, and maybe not even going right for his penis. And then you can just start to use your tongue, start to kiss him, start to kiss up his shaft, the tip. You don't have to put your whole mouth around it yet. And then you can start checking in. And I'm sure that you'll know, like, penis is talked to you. And you'll be able to tell how he's reacting. But also that, like, this penis is attached to a man that you love, the father of your

child. And that's an important thing too to realize it. Like, it's, it's a part of someone that you love and it's a loving act. And so you don't have to like take the whole penis in your mouth. First time, you can just kiss it. You can look at it. You can get to know it. You could say hello, hello penis. I've never seen you at this at this angle and just kiss it.

Like you would kiss, you would kiss his mouth. I mean, a lot of oral sex is kind of making out with your partner's genitals. And then the next time maybe you can put the tip in your mouth. And then the next time you can start to explore with your tongue and you can start to put in your mouth and move around. And gosh, I wish I got to know blow jobs that way. I was sort of pressured into it by a boyfriend.

And I didn't know what I was doing. So what I love is that, you know, you let your husband know that this is an experience that you want to share and you want to have together. And then once you get there and you're you have the penis and his penis, you'll start to develop your own relationship with it because that's that's what happens. And you want to avoid teeth. So you kind of put your lips over your teeth because that could be painful. And also the important thing here is enough, having enough saliva, which is why I love adding loob. You might love flavored loob.

Muse makes some delicious loob. Like they're salted caramel, they make mint chocolate, fun flavors that you can play with. So it will also taste good. You could also put in your mouth and kind of do like a vacuum. I don't know if this is too advanced, but if it's in your mouth and you're sort of sucking

in, think of like a vacuum, that can also feel really good. You also can lick it and then you can blow on it, so play with different temperatures and sensations. But I think that your husband, who is now, you have a baby together, is going to be so happy that you're just trying. And we're so hard on ourselves, we think it'd be perfect at everything, but the fact that you're trying is amazing. Make sure that if I have to sum this up for you, it would be into it, be enthusiastic.

Make sure you use enough lube that you go slow and use your hands. Okay, this is from Christine 28 in Costa Rica. Dear Dr. Emily, I have a healthy sex life with my boyfriend. We both like trying new things. However, I've been wanting to try things like bondage and having him dominate me. Issue is, he's very timid with those things, even though I try to make him more comfortable with the idea, even if we're just talking about it.

I took him to a sex shop a few weeks ago and it was frustrating because he looked like he was afraid to look. What advice can you give me to approach this topic and where can he go to learn more to be dominant in the bedroom? All right, Christine, thanks for your question. So here's the first thing. Is that remember that anytime we ask our partner to do something, it's something new, right?

It's a skill set. It's something that he's never tried before. He's never done before. And so our partners were often seen very shy and hesitant, but just like everything, it takes practice. And it might also help them to know more about your fantasy. So get clear on it. When you say you want to be dominated,

what do you mean? Do you just want it to be more in control? Do you want to do more assertive? Do you want to be spanked? Tied up? Do I'm talk dirty? Like what are you envisioning in your head? Because once you get clear,

then you can bring it up in a neutral setting to him. You know, timing, tone, and turf. Outside the bedroom, when you're hanging out, and you just say, hey, I know I've told you, I want you to dominate me, but I thought it would be helpful for me to explain it in more detail to you. Like let him know why you have this fantasy.

What is this source of your rouse? Sometimes that's help, you could say could say, oh, I've always, I saw this scene once in a movie or I was watching porn or I had this fantasy and then you can let him know why it turned you on. So giving him more context, here's the important thing and this goes for any sex conversations that we're having. You have to reinforce that you love having sex with him that this isn't a criticism and there's really nothing wrong, but it's something new that you want to try. And you might have to say that a few times.

So for example, if you want to be more assertive, you can say, like, I just want you to tell me what to do, I want you to boss me around, tell me to get on my knees, calm me slut, and you can do whatever you want. I mean, think about the scenario that you actually want him to try. And then again, you can acknowledge and let him know that you understand it's something new, take the pressure off and have compassion for him because I love that he's willing to try anyway

because there's a lot of people like wouldn't even want to try to please their partner. Also important to pick a safe word. And even though he might think that's kind of silly just for spanking or tying someone up, it's kind of hot to have a safe word. And even though he might think that's kind of silly just for spanking or tying someone up, it's kind of hot to have a safe word and kind of fun. So, something's going on, you're like banana, right? And like, oh, god, banana.

And you laugh, this is gonna be awkward, it's okay. No one is perfect at sex. The only time we see sex that is so called perfect is like imporn or the movies, but real sex can be funny and fun and to me, that's even hotter. Alright, Christine, good luck with it and have fun. Please, sex is fun, remember? That's all I remember that. This is from Bill, 29 in North Carolina. Dear Dr. Emily, like most guys, my top fantasy is a threesome. My wife's has always been interested in experimenting with other women but never has before.

She said she doesn't want to have a threesome because she'd get jealous, which I get. But I tried telling her I'm more than okay with her having her own experience with other women. I encourage it because I know she wants to try it. And I think after she tries it, she might want to try a threesome. How do I convince her it's okay to try it on a girl? Okay, so here's the thing. You're not going to get your partner to have a threesome. You're not going to talk your partner to have a three-story. We're not going to talk your partner into having three-sum.

I get this question so often and it's like, it just, it doesn't work like that. In fact, it's going to backfire. Now, if you truly genuinely bill in your heart and soul, you would love your wife to fulfill her fantasy of being with another woman, that is great. I encourage that. So what I recommend is have a conversation and be curious. Be a really good listener. Ask her questions about what part of being with the woman turns her on. What is she fantasizing about when it's happening? What are the scenarios that make it hot for her? Is she

performing on a vulva, is someone going down on her? and to inspire you, maybe you could watch some porn together or read Aradica and see which scenarios turn her on and then you can play those out by like talking dirty to her and saying like right now I'm picturing you with with another woman in the room and this is what's happening and another hot thing is to have these conversations as like a warm-up before sex during sex. It's all really can be sexy and giving her permission to actually, rather than just talking so much of what we do about sex is we talk about it.

But when you can sort of bring it into sex play through dirty talk and in the moment when you guys are in and around state, that can also help her sort of actualize it and feel it in her body and maybe realize that this is something she actually wants to try. And then once that happens and she's actually had her experiences with another woman,

then we can talk about how to have a threesome. Here's the tips because I know you all want to know what do I do? Okay, let's say I get there and I want to try threesome and I want to find someone new. First, you have to make sure that you both have the same idea. What's going to happen in this three some? What are the boundaries? What are the rules? What's the gender of the partner you're looking for? Is this personal out-of-the-sleep over? Are there any sex acts that are off limits? So that's all important and that's why I always recommend that people do the dirty talk thing, okay, beforehand, and really play it out,

play through the scenario. the other thing I recommend is If you want to find a third there's a lot of websites you can find them right now. There's like dating apps Hashtag open and field we actually have a great article on our site about finding a third So you can find some more tips there But I just promise all of you if you're trying to get into a threesome to save your relationship to make it harder Because you think it's gonna make you guys get closer together and you're bored with your partner, this is the last thing you can do to spice up your relationship. That's just like having a baby to improve your relationship, neither one of those things

work. So, go slow, take the steps, and have fun with it. And don't pressure your partner. I have to take a quick break, but when I come back, I'm talking to Lindsay, who's getting ready for her very first time. Let's talk to Lindsay, 19 in California. Hi, Lindsay. Hi, how are you? I'm good. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

I'm 19, and I'm deciding. I originally wanted to save myself for marriage. That was just a personal choice. But I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for close to a year now. And he's also a virgin. And we decide we want to go ahead and make love to each other. But I'm really nervous being young and getting pregnant.

So I've been on birth control for three months now. I also with the aid of my mom got like spermicide and condoms and haven't hear my house. But I don't know if it's birth control alone is fine. I mean, I would like to have sex with out of condom where both, you know, virgins, like I said, but I'm nervous about pregnancy. A little background story to this is also, he likes to watch like, Ten Tai, which is like, Japanese anime porn.

And if porn's already not realistic enough, you know, humans, like real people, I know the cartoons, you know, as well. So, you know, so I've been getting into it. It actually does turn me on. Okay, well that's good. But yeah, I mean, great. I mean, so you're doing the work there, but yeah, it's just not realistic, right? It's not how sex goes down.

So we've been sex and like really really crazy sex being in it really turns on. But my thing is now I'm worried about the first time we do do it that we're going to have all these expectations and that's also my worry. First off, what kind of experience have you have you guys fooled around before you've done everything but have you done it on and he seems to enjoy that and we touch each other and all that yeah, okay, and has he performed a role sex on you. Okay, and have you had an orgasm before? Have you masturbated? So my mom actually got me my first vibrator probably like two months ago and I was kind of hesitant to. So I actually been masturbating since the end of which I started watching probably two

weeks ago and finally using the vibrator. I'm masturbating a lot. Okay, yeah. Um, you were I even been using the shower head and that's amazing too. Yes. So I already know I can order them. Great. Great.

You're doing great. So let me tell you about all this stuff. Lindsay, you're doing great. I mean, you're doing all the things. And I love that your mom's like supportive of your sexual health. I think that's great. Honestly, if you guys are virgins and you're on the pill for three months, you don't have to wear a condom.

It's pretty safe. I mean, it is safe. The birth control pill, if you take it every day and you don't miss a day, is like 95% effective. So that's why you take it. Now, as far as expectations, I don't know, there's all these myths around it.

Like you're gonna bleed, or you're not gonna bleed. It's gonna hurt. It's not gonna hurt. And the truth is, there's all these myths around it. Like, you're gonna bleed or you're not gonna bleed. It's gonna hurt. It's not gonna hurt. And the truth is, it's different for everybody. And so, I think the more that you guys could really just breathe and slow down and not put so much pressure on yourselves for it to be any certain way, because I guarantee what you're seeing in the Hentai too, is like, it's fun to watch, but it's not necessarily

giving you instruction manual how to have sex. I haven't necessarily giving you instruction manual, I'd have sex. I haven't seen it in a while, I'm trying to think of it. So it's just more like looking to each other's eyes and communicate, it's really about going slow and paying attention to each other and breathing together and lots of turning each other on first. And it sounds like you guys have been doing that for a year. But make sure you're already aroused and turned on

and you're not just rushing through it. So yeah, I mean, but I think that your concerns are completely valid and normal. And I hear this a lot. And now with porn in the last 15 years, it's even harder because then people are assuming it should look like that. And it doesn't really look like that either.

So just know that you're not supposed to be the experts right now. It's your first time. So I love that you're with someone that you love and that you care about and you've already masturbated. You know, you're checking all my boxes for healthy sex the first time. Yes, well, I love listening to you. So thank you. Thank you.

And that's where I got my knowledge from pretty much. Oh, great. The spermis would be a good idea if it, or it doesn't really matter. spermiside can work, sure. I mean, you could use that instead of like, you could use that as a lube as well. I mean, yeah, you could.

The pill is really effective if you're taking it every day. You're not gonna get pregnant. And there's only like five days a month where you actually can get pregnant for women. That's when you're ovulating, but you're not even really ovulating when they're on the pill. It's like a fake ovulation. It's stopping your period altogether. So, but if it would make you feel more relaxed, feel free to use herbicide or use a condom, but I don't think if you've been taking it every day. It's when women don't take it, or they forget. And then they try to win a day.

And that's when it's less effective, but the birth control pill is really effective. But yeah, I think you're pretty safe. And I love that you're being so careful, but I don't think you've to only use condoms if you want to. Yeah? Is it okay for him to like that, the porn and stuff and may not feel so.

Yeah. I gotta have to compare myself. Yeah, this is what happens. You know what, Lindsey, let me tell you this. It's really common right now for people to watch porn. I hear it more from men than women who watch a lot more porn. And it's also normal for women to feel intimidated by it and to wonder if they're not doing it like the women in porn and they're part of desire or something else.

But I have to tell you that the porn watching is something that it's a release for us to orgasm and to watch porn and it doesn't mean that he wants you to be something different, doesn't want to replace you. But I understand the feelings and I think the more that I educate people around this, that like it's not a substitution, it's not going to replace you. I don't believe you want you to be a Japanese anime character. I want you to do things in that. You know what I mean? But it's really just confidence thing. And I think it's, I guess I don't know how to say this, that it's men or are going to watch porn in relationships, out of relationships,

in really healthy relationships when they're having amazing sex, they're still going to watch porn in relationships, out of relationships, in really healthy relationships when they're having amazing sex, they're still going to watch porn. And that doesn't change. I don't want to be accepting of it and why I've watched it because it actually does turn me on. I mean, obviously I see that, but I think of him when I'm watching it. Right. So that kind of put me into the perspective of being more accepting about it.

That little fear is still there, but you know, he reassures me and tells me that. So. Yeah, I mean, that's a thing. I mean, I love that you're really self-aware. I love the way you're talking about all this stuff because these are all concerns. And so I'm glad he's here. And I would also try to find porn that you like as well. Like there's Erica Lust. She has to pay for it, but she's got like female friendly porn.

It's like porn that's actual more realistic than what you would just see on PornHub. And then the other one is Make Love Not Porn. I believe that her website Make Love Not Porn has porn that's more real sex, more realistic. Try Quinn is audio-erotica? I don't know. I love listening to audio-erotica because then I can really just sort of focus on my

own pleasure and hearing the voices. Try Quinn, I believe, is a free one. It's not an app though. It's QUINN. Perfect. But try to figure out what turns you on. Okay. And then you'll understand that this is not a substitution. But find your own thing. Okay.

All right. Thank you so much for calling, Lindsey. This is really helpful for everybody. Thank you. So thank you for being honest and vulnerable and have a great night. Let's call it to Heather 35 in Colorado. Hi Heather. What's going on? Hi, how are you?

I'm good. How are you? So I recently got a divorce for a 15-year marriage and started dating a guy that's amazing, but there's just something there that's off. And I'm not sure exactly how to approach it. Sexually, it's amazing, but there's just sometimes I can't have an orgasm with him and I'm not sure if it's like a mental thing I have going on,

like I'm not giving him my full heart or what's going on. I mean Heather, you were with someone for 15 years, who knew your body, who knew how you orgasmed, you were used to the way you guys moved and now it's a whole new dance partner. And so now you have to figure out your rhythm with someone new. Is he doing the same kind of things that you would do with your husband? Does he know what turned you on?

He does, yeah, and it's like I get there, but then it just automatically shuts down. Yeah. How long have you been dating this guy? For about a year. Okay, okay. So is there a part of you that feels there's a place in it that you can dating this guy? For about a year. Okay. Okay. So is there a part of you that feels there's a place in it that you can't let go? Well, so my husband had an affair on me and I feel like maybe there's that like hidden, I don't want to get hurt again.

Yes. So and I often wonder if like that's the wall that I put up. Yeah. Because we're great everywhere. We're great. Like, and I'm not if that's the wall that I put up. Yeah. Because we're great everywhere. We're great. And I'm not saying our sex life isn't great because it honestly is amazing. But there's just, sometimes I feel like I'm in my head for anything else. Okay.

And this didn't happen before because you felt safe. So have you worked through this stuff? I mean, that's such a trauma to find out that your partner, Cheetah you. Have you done any repair work in therapy and figured out your relationship to trust issues so you can clear it? I'm in therapy now. Great. Do you guys talk about this? We don't really talk.

We haven't gotten as far as talking about me. It's actually my marriage counselor that I was going to. I'm going to. Okay. Great. Sometimes that's great because they already know you. No, I think that's cool. People do that all the time. They're like, well, you already know me.

Can I just come see you? So I think that maybe there's a little bit of, and if you orgasm with them in other ways. Yeah, I still, I mean, I still orgasm with them, but like it's not, I guess, as much sex as we're having, I'm not orgasming. Okay. Are you on any medication? Did anything change? Nope.

Nothing. Are you, have you been sexual? Like are you masturbating? Are you, are you having orgasms on your own? Like how comfortable are you in your body right now? I don't do any of that. That's how I'm trying. I know, but we all have 10 minutes in the shower.

We all have time, Heather, but we don't make time for it. So you have time to masturbate, and I think that when we're feeling more in our bodies and more sexual, like sex, be get sex. And if you can kind of get your orgasm going again, you get your pilot-light lit, that might help. But also, so that's one thing, and that could help. And we're going to give you a few things. So that's one thing.

I would like prescribe you a weekend masturbation, just get back on, start doing it again. If you never did, it's a great time. But also, it's been a year. So I would say a year, you're 35 years old, that do you know, have you guys defined the relationship yet? Have you talked about how you feel about each other and what you'd like for the relationship?

We talk about maybe someday getting married, but it's always talking about a Sunday. So do you think that there's some information that you need right now to feel more safe with him? Not a good point. Maybe perhaps maybe more, I don't know, or never really thought about that. What would he need to do to make you feel safe with him? I guess, baby, I don't know. I don't want to get married yet, because I

just get out of a marriage. But I think the idea of knowing that it's serious enough that he wants to marry me would be a good start of commitment. Yeah, if that's what you're looking for, but you don't want to get married again. But maybe it just words, like Devin said, I love you yet. Have you? Oh, yeah.

We actually live together. I just feel good in April. Okay. So that's one thing. I would just say it's always good to think about in a relationship like, what's holding me back right now by putting up a wall? And then I guess I'll give you a third thing because this is what's happened in my mind right now.

Have you had a talk about your sex life and what you guys are into and what turned you on? No, we actually haven't as much. When you're not in the bedroom hanging out, when you're just at your house or going for a walk, you could say, I really haven't talked about our sex life. And I would just like to know, what would be together, you're like, what's your top three times we've had sex?

What are the top three moments? I'm gonna tell you mine. And then you could start there and say, these are the three things that I've the most memorable times, what about you? And then in those, there's a lot of information, there's a lot of great wisdom in learning what people remember and what they like, because then you'll know, like, oh, so you like at that time, you know, I spanked you or you like the time we made out for hours.

So then that would be a great way to get started. You could say I'm only asking because I think it's so important for us to be open. And then from there, there's something that's really cool because a lot of what I talk about here every night, Heather is encouraging people to have these difficult conversations. But when they do have them, you feel even closer to your partner.

You feel even more trusting because you feel like you both are taking an interest in your sex life and in the pleasure of our partners and you just feel like then we can really explore anything. You never know what you're gonna find out, you know? Okay. So maybe that, so those are all the things. I like it, I appreciate it, thank you.

Cool, Heather, yeah, thanks for calling, have a great weekend. We'll be right back with more sex with Emily after the break, I'm answering an email from Kristen who's looking to try new things in the bedroom after opening up her relationship didn't really work for her. I'm going to answer a couple of emails. If you want to ask me a question, you can always email me feedback at sexwithemily.com or just go to our website sexwithemily.com slash askemily.

Always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. All right, you can change your name. I'm totally cool with that. We got Kristen 47 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily and team. My husband, I've been married for two years. We dabbled in the lifestyle, which means swinging before we were together. I tried, but we did not feel a good balance in boundaries. For him, it's all the way or not at all. Now I feel like our sex life is becoming too vanilla and how, how can I spice up things without resorting to having sex with other people? Thanks for any advice. See, here's a perfect example. They tried it, didn't work, but they still want to keep it hot. My recommendation is to go do the yes, no, maybe list on our site. It gives you a bunch

of sex scenarios to choose from. Are they yes for you or they hell yes, a hell no, or maybe? And then compare those lists. Are there things on the list that maybe you thought that you both might maybe both want to try? Maybe you want to learn to give a ronic massage just to each other. Maybe you want to have anal sex. Maybe you want to do some spanking. It has everything on there. But let's try to think about for you, Kristen, if you both like swinging, but now you don't. Are there elements? What was it to swinging that you liked?

Maybe you could do more role-playing. You could do the sexy stranger because then it would still be like sex with a stranger, but it's your husband. And that stuff works. You show up as an alter, as an alternate person. Alternate, you're alter ego. You can be anyone you want,

a stranger in a bar, but for that moment when you're playing these like fun role-playing sex games with somebody, you actually, because we're all, remember, we're all kids at heart and we all used to play and we used to play make believe and I promise you, I can't think of a better time to bring it back than with your sex life. This stuff works, so I would recommend that. And I would recommend continuing to explore your boundaries with him and continue to talk about these things like what are your hottest moments, sexual moments, write down three things that you both love about your sex life, swap the list.

All right, you guys, you know I always say you can't go from zero to anal. Well, that's why I am saving the best for less. The guy I'm seeing wants to try anal. A friend told me to do it and try coconut oil for a loob. I'm terrified of a poop incident at the end. She said it happens. Him and I, we've hooked up since September and we only see each other every now and then, but it's not a real relationship, so I'm comfortable with him, but not to the point

I want a poop on him, ha ha, any tips. All right, I got it. I got it. Everyone here is about the poop and the pain and they don't want to do it. So great first time question. Let's talk about poop first, since you brought it up a few times. Sex is messy. Things can happen. It is true. Now you probably know when you're regulated, when you need to go to the bathroom, when you don't. Listen, if your bowels are clear and you've gone to the bathroom, and you didn't

just have a really heavy meal, you know, you're going to be okay. But if you want to take extra precaution, you can just make sure that you go clean. You take a shower. You stick your fingers inside and make sure everything is clean. You could get an NMO, but I only recommend buying the NMOs in the stores and getting rid of the vinegar in it, pouring out the vinegar, and then filling it with warm water. And then you could do one to yourself if you want. But honestly, it's likely not going to happen. I will be more concerned about the consent part of this and about you exploring. Maybe he could use a finger at first.

He could make sure his nails are trimmed and he uses the finger and he just goes inside and you can see if you like it. You know, before he just puts it inside. Now, something that else that's really helpful is to already be aroused, already be turned on. Make sure that he's kissing, making out with you. Maybe he's already gone down on you. Maybe you've already had an orgasm

because that just opens everything up. You'll be more relaxed. So the thing about anal is you want to breathe a lot, deep breaths. You want him to go really slow and you want to use a lot of lube. And when you think you have it used enough lube, you just reapply again.

And again, I want to make sure this is a good partner who is trusting and he's not just doing it for his pleasure, but he's really invested in your pleasure as well. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to this sex with family. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast. And share this with a friend or partner. Believe me, if you've got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and

then. Find me on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at Sex with Emily. And I've been told I give really good newsletters, so sign up at sexwithemily.com and don't forget to check out our blogs. If you want to talk to me, ask your questions about your sex life, dating or relationships email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com or call into my series XM show Monday through Friday, 5-7pm

Pacific and call me, AAA 94 stars. That's AAA 947 8277. Get a free 30-day trial at sexwithemily.com slash SXM. You can watch my masterclass on masterclass.com slash Emily Morse. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sectwithemily.com.