Sex With Emily - First Episode Ever: 15 Years of Sex With Emily

Episode Date: July 11, 2020

It’s been 15 years of Sex With Emily and what better way to celebrate than to bring back Emily’s first podcast episode ever. In 15 years she’s covered everything from communication to masturbation, but in this very special episode we dive into uncharted territory - Sex With the host herself, Emily.Emily tells us how she got into podcasting, decided to talk about sex and we even get to hear the first episode she recorded 15 years ago. You’ll come for the sex, but stay for the stories and there’s plenty. She talks to her 3 guests about bikini waxing, polyamory and what it’s like to live a single girl’s life and have sex on her terms. You don’t want to miss this anniversary episode!For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure. This episode is very special to me because you're about to listen to the very first podcast episode ever. And it's been 15 years since the first episode I recorded in 2005. And today I'm going to tell you how I started this Sex with Emily show. How I get into the business of sex and podcasting and you're going to know a lot more about me, so stick around. Look into his eyes.

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betruise they call them in a fight on day. I am Dr. Emily Morse and I am the host, creator, founder of Sex with Emily. I inspire people to prioritize their pleasure. I would always ask people, how did you meet and how did you fall in love? And then also as I got older,

I realized that sex was built up to be this most incredible thing. Like when you get older, you get driver's license, so you get to have sex. And sex was just utterly disappointing. It wasn't great, I didn't know anything about it, and I'm an overachiever, so I just thought everyone's doing it better than me.

What don't I know about sex? So when I started the podcast, it seemed a lot of people were struggling with intimacy, and I thought, well, what is the connection here between sex and intimacy and relationships? I was a documentary filmmaker and I loved when I loved all my documentary was I loved interviewing people. I loved getting their stories and I realized after that, well, if I'm going to continue to do this, what topic would be interesting and to me this was infinitely fascinating. And so I started the podcast about 15 years ago. What I was going to do was a cable access show. So I was doing a show called Searching for Sex and San Francisco and I did like three episodes. My intern at the time was like, oh, there's this thing called podcasting and we just need to do audio and that's it. I was like,

oh my god, we can just hang out like, camera and makeup and like, yes. So I found a guy in Craigslist, his name's Eddie. He came over and he was this amazing guy and he brought this huge sound board and a bunch of mics and set up. And then I invited a few friends over and I decided to interview them about their sex life and their relationship.

But that was the start of my first podcast. So I started doing the cable show and started talking to all my friends and I just remember sitting around with a bunch of my friends and just saying like, I think I'm gonna do this and then we were tossing our names and I was like, talk with Emily, did it all? And then I was like, sex with Emily.

And I was like, oh, that's amazing. I wanted to do that. I didn't know how taboo it was. I didn't know that that would all of a sudden that I would become sex with Emily. Like literally I'm at a bar and I'm like, they're like, you met my friend, sex with Emily? I did not think that it was so shocking

and that would be taboo. There was none of that. It was this internal knowing that I didn't really care. But this amazing thing happened to me after I recorded the very first podcast and I didn't get up. I didn't go to the bathroom, I didn't eat, I didn't drink. And I realized that this was the thing that I was searching for my whole life.

I felt so satisfied. I felt so fulfilled just because it felt so engaging and so interesting. I thought this is going to heal the world. This is this is what we all need. Up until that point, it felt like the most important thing to me was knowing how I was going to have an impact in the world because that felt important and also it was important to do something that I love. I was raised by my mom who was like, don't ever rely on anyone to take care of you.

You got to do it in your own and then my dad died at a really young age. No matter how old you are, when someone in your life that you love dies, that really does sort of define your life. We are not prepared in any way to do a death. I got a call from this radio station in San Francisco, and they said, you really like your podcast, do you want to come in and do a radio show in Saturday nights? I was like, sure.

Never been in a radio station and never done a show. All they taught me was like, here's the cough button and have a good time when they closed the door. And I had this flash and I remembered at this moment that my dad was a DJ. He used to walk around the house interviewing us and so he loved music. When I was born, he became a lawyer because there was no money in radio. And I had a moment I thought, this is it, this is my calling.

Like, this is my connection to my dad and I'm in the right place. So here's my story about growing up is that I had no sex education. My mom said to me, Emily, if you have any questions about sex, be sure to ask me. But what I realized was that every parent

says that to their child and we don't know what the questions are because we don't know what we don't know. So then I started having sex. Went to college, I had a boyfriend and he used to drive in and we'd have sex and he would just be like pounding away at me like a jackhammer. And then he'd leave and I just went, my girlfriend says, okay, I got a question for you.

What is the big deal about sex? Like why is sex so interesting? What am I missing? And they were like, oh, well, having you ever had an orgasm, have you remastered it? for you. What is the big deal about sex? Like why is sex so interesting? What am I missing? And they were like, oh, well, having you ever had an orgasm, have you were masturbated? And I was like, I did not know anything, but either one of those things. And I was shocked. And a little bit disappointed. I was like, how do I not know this? And then so I went on a journey and I figured out masturbation and sex. But then years went by and I was in my

30s. And I just, I still felt like sex was just performative. It was about pleasing my partner. I would still fake orgasms because they were elusive and I still believe that I should be having an orgasm with a partner. I thought that everyone did because that's all I see in television and the movies. So I thought I was broken. I liked it. I liked the physicality and I liked intimacy and I realized that I just, yeah, I didn't know anything. This is a really important conversation and I liked intimacy and I realized that I just, yeah, I didn't know anything. This is a really important conversation and I take this responsibility very seriously

to always be the best version of myself, the best healer, the best therapist to help people through their challenges and this work, these conversations are transformative. I love connecting people. I love seeing them look in their face where they're like, I'm not alone. I don't have to live in this jail of my thoughts and I don't have to fake orgasms anymore. I can ask for what I want and bed. Sex can actually be better. I didn't know

any of this. And the cool thing is that even after 15 years, well, we've made a lot of advances in gender expression and sexual orientation. But the thing that's so crazy is that after 15 years the questions I get asked by my audience are exactly the same. That's what keeps me going every day because I want us to be able to talk about sex. Like we talk about everything else that we place value on, that we prioritize. Whether it's our health, our religion, our spirituality, you know, all those things are so important, but sex is sort of like, oh, we don't have to talk about it. We're just going to put it under the rug here and like maybe we'll deal with it or it should magically be perfect. And like,

none of that is true. And it blows my mind that I'm still telling people this every single day. So the fact that every year there's more listeners and there's a greater audience. But the main base of people feeling shame and trauma and having misinformation that you have to undo, I always do. People came for the blow jobs, but they're going to leave with like self confidence and self esteem. You know, you might come for the tips of how to be better lover to my partner because I want to show up, but that's not what this is about at all. And so sex gets them in the door. Great, but a lot of it starts with ourselves and how you become a great lover is to become a great

lover to yourself. The truth is, once you love yourself, you can open up and love others. I can't believe it's been 15 years. It's been so hard. I really like had no money. It was, economy was bad. I had to sell everything I own and move out of my apartment in San Francisco and live on a friend's couch for seven months while I kept doing the show. And that was really hard too because I was an adult.

I was like full-on. Should not, my friends were like like own homes and had children. And then also just my mom flying out to San Francisco, coming into my apartment, whether it was all these crazy notes and mom, it's gonna work because people leave this. People are having bad sex. And she's like, she thought I was like that scene in a beautiful mind.

Like, that's what it looked like with the papers hanging everywhere in all my crazy ideas. And she was like, you know, you have a college degree. And Starbucks has a very good health plan. And you could tell it's shoes at Nordstrom. You know, she was just like, this is crazy. And so, you know, to kind of just be like, that's just, oh, I can make it happen.

What's the best way to do it? Great news about 15 years during the show is every time I sit down and do a show or don't interview or do a podcast, there's a handful of times I've been like, oh, I can't do this because something happened that day or it's hard to get in the moment. But mostly I'm so excited and I love my job. I love all the emails and the colors and the questions and the guests. That's amazing.

What's the challenge still is just the business of it. It's been such a journey to believe in something like podcasting. And now, like everyone has a podcast. It was like people having a website in there really 2000. And I think that's fabulous. But for so long, it was like, I've totally been meaning to get into podcasts. Like I was talking about yoga or something.

Like I mean to get into it. And then I would take their phone and be like, it's super easy. I don't have to do that anymore. And that's so great. Because now when I say podcast, it's like, oh yeah, yeah. But just like active being an entrepreneur and growing a business and being the talent,

but then also being the CEO and the manager and hiring and managing people and making all the decisions has just been hard. But I've gone through so many different levels of this process. I am a very hard worker and I work a lot and I work all day every day. I've been a lot of time off for vacation and it's all about surround yourself with really good people and communicating. My best use of advice is always communication as a lubrication but the other one is to slow down. I think we have to learn all of our lessons in life to learn that. Like the way I'm worried is it's got to be a

struggle. So I am truly grateful for all those struggles and And if someone had said it's going to be okay, you should just relax and slow down. I don't think I had the skill set to trust in that knowing. There's something to be said for that creative struggle. So the first podcast, we actually, I believe, I interviewed like 10 people that day, if I recall. There was a lot of people that came over. We put three people into the first podcast,

but that first day was a lot of equipment, and then we just got a bunch of food and snacks. That was always going to be getting two. I was like, once in a while, I thought, we could all get a little buzz. But yeah, that was the vibe. I was like, I want to be casual. I'd be like, hey, you want to come over and talk about sex?

We're just going to do this thing, you know, which could talk about it. So it was very much like that. And I had a lot of friends, you know, great friends. It was like, Yes, of course, we'll support. This sounds really fun. It was, yeah, nobody was talking about sex at the time. I just like sat down and just started asking questions. So I think my first few episodes were like those interviews that day when I just sat there all day. I didn't want to... this is it. So the first guest was Marilyn Yeager. And the reason why I had Marilyn Yeager on is because Brazilian bikini waxing, where you literally take everything off, was probably an early 2000s late 90s thing.

And it was all the rage. And two, like the one person, you had to make a appointment ahead of time. And I remember her sitting there with like my legs in the air and like doing it, ripping things. I was like, why do we have to go through this? Like what? And she's like, honey, if you want to sell the house, you got to mow the lawn.

And I was like, that's funny, that's interesting. You know, now I've different things to say about that. I'm like, no, let it grow, do what you want for you. Like, I would never tell anybody you gotta get a West. But at the time, that was interesting. I just thought that was funny, but the other thing she said now that I remember when she was like, and I don't remember

she said this in the podcast, she was like, I've got my finger on every app pussy and symphonic scale. Oh, that was funny too. She's like, she's a talker, and I just wanna know about like grooming because that was such a big topic of conversation. So that was my thought around Marilyn Maker.

Hi, Marilyn. Hi, it's good to see you. It's very nice that my legs up in the air being naked, but that's cool. Yeah, well, I usually recognize people by their pants down, not their faces. Yeah, I have 8,000 clients. Thanks to girls for supporting me.

I definitely believe I put Brazilian bikini waxing on the map over 13 years ago. A lot of people talk about Anastasia and Beverly Hills, the eyebrow guru to the star. She was actually my main inspiration. She and I are really close friends. She does not do Brazilian bikini waxing anymore. She only does eyebrows. She specializes. She does not go downtown.

I brought Brazilian bikini waxing to the Bay Area. Nobody knew what it was. I've been doing it for 13 years, started my business seven years ago. And as you know, personally, I think a lot of people are really intimidated by talking about their private parts, which I like to call pussy.

It is what it is. You know, I have fans all over the world. I walk into a restaurant and five guys are bowing on the floor because I take care of their wives, whether they're single or married people come. I know we're gearing towards the singles. No, we're not. Oh, okay. Married people having new Brazilian wax is more than straight because married people don't have sex. I'm going to start with something. Okay. Married people having new Brazilian wax is more than straight because married people don't have sex.

I'm going to start with some sex. Absolutely. Well, I mean, I'm just, I don't know many happily married couples. I know definitely because I get the inside scoop. I'm also like a therapist behind closed doors. I could write, I could write free books on people's lives. Why do you say, at least to a reason? I am going to.

Actually, because the women like their legs are spread. Oh, I their legs are spread, their legs are like in the lips of their pussy and their legs. So my husband doesn't go down to me anymore. Exactly. So what are you doing? They're eyebrows and they're telling me these stories and signing them all. Girlfriend, drop your drawers. I will take care of you and then your husband will not leave you alone.

Is it true? Do you see a difference in the way that you can? You have access to the tail sexier. Why? Are you kidding me? I have clients who are the biggest proofs in the world and they're so shy and embarrassed and then they get their Brazilian and they sweat out of my

salon like they are the hottest thing on this planet. They come back. They tell me stories about their husbands that they wouldn't leave them alone for hours. The people are embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it. But obviously I'm not. That's what I do. Okay. Before we go any further, because we will, by definition, like technical terms, what's a Brazilian bikini wax? Technically, many people call Brazilians all different types of things. My personal and my signature style is I like to

leave a nice V in the front and take everything from the lips. Not a line, but a V. Not a line. I personally do not like the landing strip. As I tell clients, it's your who-who you can have it however you want. and take everything from the lips. Not a line, but a beat. Not a line. I personally do not like the landing strip. As I tell clients, it's your hoo-hoo. You can have it however you want. You want it wider, smaller, all off, whatever. I don't care.

I'll wax it four minutes. You're in, you're out. It's four minutes. Four minutes. Very. I don't ever have a bean for. Was it four with you? Did you or with me five years ago?

I know. They improve every day. I do 25 to 40 days. They can mess it days. Okay. 25 to 40 days. Yeah. 8,000 unique users like they said in the internet. You've had 8,000 in their old San Francisco or men and women from all over the world, but mainly San Francisco. But that's from the And the rest goes in their ass. Oh, yeah. And they're everything. It's painful. It is a painful process, although I have developed the technique that yeah, after sex is better, right? Sex is way better.

Why is it better? Why is it so long? It's a good one. Skin, slippery. So true. You know, there's more sensation. You could go on forever about why it is visually, visually, it's just better. It looks better, it's cleaner, it's more sanitary.

I mean, obviously, I'm a true believer. That's what I do for a living. I love it, I speak it, I sell it, I do it. What about the men? Men straight men too? Straight men, mostly straight men. What do you mean? What do they do?

They get that in the right now. Usually it's their wives and their fiancee who are setting them up with it. But you know what? Like I say, you know, we keep ourselves maintained. I don't want to put my face in a big old muff either. That's true. Men don't not show up. Like I know just I do us a man in the last years and like where's your hair? Like when it's sort of the surveys and I don't want to miss being too much time down there. But is your single and just dating? I could understand why it would be odd say what's your first sexual encounter or your first view.

But if he's your fiance or your husband and you're trying to do something different, change it up a little bit, it's kind of the same with the girls, right? You gotta change it up, you gotta switch it around. They want something new and exciting. And believe me, I mean, you know, some people are in the kinky stuff,

some people like hair, not anybody I know, because I won't let them have it. But men don't have hair around their anus, whatever, it might be great to the woman to bring it. I don't know, whatever they want to do, they do, right? And they tell you, all this, like, what do you mean you're like a therapist? I hear everything.

I mean, people cry and laugh and get pregnant and get engaged or they break up with their boyfriends or they, they have their boy. They see ways to have the weeks. The average four three to four, they have sent with random people. They have they're dating younger guys. They're dating older guys. I mean, I hear it all. And it's like every half pushed in the city.

What do you mean by that? Every half pushed in San Francisco. Probably seen more pussy than any man on this planet. Definitely. I mean, come on, 8,000 other than what, magic, or whoever got in trouble for being with us. Are they all the same after a while? No, not.

No, because it's more about my relationship with the client. I am definitely not into the anatomy. I think the whole experience, of course, it is about having your pussy clean. I mean, my saying is a clean girl is a happy girl. And it's true that therefore you make a happy boy. And you know what I say when you're single? You got to mow the lawn if you're gonna put the house up

for sale, baby. Like you wanna walk that stretch, you wanna feel clean, you wanna feel sexy. And it's all, you're so happy. Eight thousand pussy's in Tampa just go like, absolutely. And a few balls and sacks in there, you know,

8,000. You've lost the balls. Absolutely. Actually, it's funny. You bring up balls. That's one of my topics tonight. I'm ball foeback. Like, I don't know if I had a man in my youth tell me like, oh, be careful with balls.

I don't touch them. It's bad. I probably meant that. Like, I can't touch, but I feel like that really though. I'm afraid. I do think I do other things, but I feel like you're not really. Some don't like it. Like't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

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I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don. Oh, he's very nervous. So nervous. So nervous. You know men are way more sensitive than women. They have such a lower pain tolerance. They're emotionally. Both. Completely. I mean, that's all they have a way lower pain tolerance.

They're nervous. But like I said, I usually do my clients, so they're instillated. So it's usually not some random guy coming in. So it's his girlfriend. I may have met them before to dinner or a Christmas party or what have you. So I think I put them a little bit at ease. I put everybody at ease. Come on. I do everybody know what that is a huge part of it. That's a huge part of what I do. Not everybody could do what I do. Have you done it in other cities?

Did you start an LA or? I was an LA. I did not start practicing there. I started to. Okay. So do you think there's a difference between the San Francisco woman slash pussy and other cities or just or not? Like what you hear? I absolutely do think so. I think you know the J-Sisters in New York, they put Brazilian on the map in New York. And Estasia was big in LA for a while. And like I said, I put it on the map here in San Francisco. I think New York and LA women are different regardless of talking about resilience or style. You know, stingleness, I mean, dating's different there. It's more of a scene. I mean, the way that coming from LA, seeing San Francisco the way women are, I just I tend to think that women here are more

diverse. That's just that there's such more, there's a diversity. Whether it's the style, the weight, the color, the hair, anything, it is. You know, in the same thing with the, who, who? I mean, the variety. The physicalities of it is amazing. You would be surprised. Like men have different penises. Women are different in size, color, shape, wrinkles, swaps, whatever. I had a friend who, I met her and she was dating a friend of mine. And we were taking a hot tub together. It was like, we just met.

And we were on this trip a bunch of us and she was dating my friend and she had this huge bush. She was like, well, I kind of like said. And then like a year later, she was dating another friend of mine and she had this little tiny thing. It's like, she was like, her bush was like fluctuating from man to man. Like, whatever he wants. Do you think that women kind of go with with her man wants or you think women are more independent now just

I think I think there's a little bit of both I think it tends to lean more independence definitely What a woman wants and she has and feels clean and does it? There are those women who do adjust or their men Absolutely, which is kind of sad, you know, you got to do what feels good for you. What feels right? Right. It feels so you got to do what feels good for you, what feels right. It feels so much better to be wet. Isn't it so much better? For the perfect ending, most people think that they don't have hair back there or they need it.

And I said, you know what? We're not cavemen. We do not need butt hairs. We have underwear. So turn it over and spread them, baby. Marilyn, you got your skin care. Thank you. Thank you.

All right, don't go away. We'll be back with Captain Erotica. Captain Erotica was a freaking character. So at the time, we all went to Bernie Man, all my friends went for years since the 90s. And when it was at Baker Beach, all the things brought us. San Francisco is a great place to was a bigger beach, all the things brought us. San Francisco is a great place to start a sex show and to have to grow up. But he was this guy and I didn't know anyone else like him because he was very open sexually

and should I remember that he was like, I teach men how to have sex with their wives. So I'm like, this is how she wants to be touched and this is what she needs. And he was like so out there, I'd never met anyone else like them. He took me to my first sex party. He took me to a dungeon. He was just like open. I never met anyone like that. I did. And now it's like now I come to know that what he was doing was he was like a sexual logical body worker, but he wasn't certified, you know. He was somebody who was like I understand that I can have sex with someone's wife or I can help them and not be emotionally attached. And I just thought he was a good time.

So I was like, let's talk about what you do. And it was just the kernels of so many other people I've met. But he was probably one of the first people that I knew that was open and talking about sexual independence and expression in a way that was contrary to most people I knew. How do you get a name like Captain Roderick? Well, in my case, you choose it for yourself. I took the name Captain Rotica as part of my Burning Man experience. Burning Man is art's festival. Most people have probably heard about, but one of the nice things about it is you can be whoever you want.

You can pick a name. It's called having a playa name or a burning man name. And in my case, I pick Captain Rotica because it really represented what I'm about in the world, which is helping people to be more free with their sexual energy and make their fantasies come real. How did you learn all this? Well, I was really lucky. I grew up in New York and I grew up with a family that was pretty open-minded and liberal,

not in a freaky kind of way. But just like cool stuff. Like your mom say, honey, when you have sex? Yeah, my dad was a person who talked to me about it. And he was pretty straight up. I got to you say you know what sex about Well, it's funny. I first had oral sex when I was in seventh grade with Kim bril the ninth grader in our neighborhood He was a super happy. No, I went down on her. Yeah, for the first time so great

Yeah, I'm practicing ever since Most men came and told right to like 27 I'm telling you You say all the way to I'm college and like oh god, I know this is right But don't you just come on six anyway I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don't know what's my name, I don to know? So you got this, so you went to Burning Man five years ago. Did you know that was gonna be your name or you got to live? Yeah, no, no, I picked it in advance. I was like, I was telling you earlier, I was trying to have our camp have a whole

theme around kinky-ness and being kinky superheroes because I think the world needs more of that. More kinky superheroes, like kinky-superheroes? Yeah, absolutely. I'm a kinky superhero. Yep. Where's some other, uh, they're kinky superheroes. Wow. You know, there are not very many of them actually. It's a problem There's well you are one I think

I like tell you what was interesting Well, we well we well we there's two different terms I want to throw out Paulie Amory means many loves it's that's the literal translation right and it's actually getting thrown around a lot now It's a pretty hip thing like bisexual was the hip thing of the 90s everyone was was born women were all by right. But now it's everyone's poly. Oh, I'm poly. We're poly. But really polyamory and polysexuality are two different things. Polyamory would be like you and I are in a relationship and we're in love and then I also have a relationship with Elizabeth but we're we're actually in love with each other and it's all cool and everybody knows about it. We're all in love each other. I love Elizabeth. No, no, no, no, no, but you are, if you might have a boyfriend or

a third year or year and eddies, your other lover and we're all and it's not just sex, it's actual relationship. So in other words, there's so many iterations. Some people are totally psyched. They're like, ah, you know what? I'm so busy in my career. You have another lover that's great. I love them.

I've met them. That's cool. Go away. I got to finish this website this weekend. So we came together and we had both had many lovers when we met and we were not looking to get in a relationship. Everything we knew about each other. In that circumstance, yes, absolutely. And so what was trippy was that we came together, we're both like, whoa, you're a major. This is intense. But wow, I have these other people. So what we talked about was that our idea, our idea, our idea was to be in a polyamorous relationship where we could be together and be partners and have partner,

yeah, been partners. I mean, live together and be supportive of each other in a common way so that you know, you're thinking of the other person not always, but you're there with your mind, you're not just doing stuff only for you because you're considering your partner when you're doing it. So you don't just go, I'm going to Europe for two months, whether you like it or not, I hope that's great. You're like, okay, does my partner going to be okay with that and kind of working it through? So there's your mate, there's like, I do have a primary partner in polyamory and then a secondary partner and you can have multiple secondary partners. So just to clarify, polysexuality could mean that you have many sex partners.

And yeah, exactly. Yeah, because when I end this relationship, I was clear with my lover's and like, look, I can't deal right relationship, I was clear as my lover's, I'm like, look, I can't deal right now with getting into something new. And that's gonna be something that is, you know, too emotionally elaborate because I'm now processing this stuff, and I don't wanna do that to you, you know, in so much.

You're hard for you. Well, it hasn't been hard. It's just been a matter of, I wanna be respectful to them. Why do you want to do that work because of all the partners? Not at all, I was actually not that in any way, shape or form, but let me finish that beginning story because it's kind of funny.

So what we did was we said, look, we both ultimately to be polyamorous and have more than one sex partner because we're both really sexual We're both really into that and so what we ended up saying was is that the only real way that we felt comfortable doing that was to get Involved with each other without these other lovers and really see whether we were good as partners And if we were then from that space we would go forth and enter other lovers and relationships. So we spent a year monogamous. And we slowly invited other people in. First, we did something where we had a girlfriend. And the girlfriend was someone who was both of our girlfriend. Yeah, we met her up, her new man. And she was someone who was a dominant woman. And then this partner was submissive to me too sexually. So that just means that like, you know, in the bedroom, she did what I said and all that

stuff. My wife. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I'm not a switch person. I mean, I will for someone if they really, really, really want to, but I've tried it back in the day. When we were with that first lover, we totally tried switching everything. And it was just like, yeah, it doesn't do stuff for us. So it's fun. A lot of people switch. That's fine. There's no judgment about that. I said the individual thing. So anyway, so we had a lover at Bernie Man who was a dominant woman. And what we were going to do is her and I were going to dominate my wife together. And that was this very hot thing for all of us.

And it was really safe for my wife because this woman's like, going to steal me away because she's dominant too. And that was kind of, and also that one was mostly a lesbian. So that was also kind of ironic because she was like, okay, I want to play with a couple, that sounds fun, especially if it's, you know, we're not like fucking, we're going to be like tying each other up and doing fun and stuff like that, right? So it turned out that it was ironic because once we started falling around, the swim really kind of fell for me and turned into someone who was definitely bisexual and definitely wanted

to switch. And so there's a really quick, interesting switch around where she was like, actually, I was very happy about that. She was beautiful on the and I was like okay it's fine you know but there's a little threatening for my wife that changed it for she's like okay now it's different it's not as safe and comfortable so we kind of transitioned out of that yeah yeah she wasn't living with us yeah she moved out of her work yeah exactly so and so that was an experiment and then the next thing that we did and this this is very... And there's no threatening. No, no, because my, I mean, this one was very cute.

It's not hard. I wasn't like mega-hoff for her, she was cute, but not like, like, I was like, but my wife was gorgeous. So she, you know, I wasn't issued for us at all. And we were really clear about that too. Like we can't come at Polyamory for us at least from, oh, you're not enough for me,

so I need to go get something else. We were like, oh, I am so hoff for you. And it's great that you want to be with other people because everybody does so that's as long as you do it respectfully Everyone does but nobody watch the kids report Check the numbers and that was back then think about now right now You can I am someone to go hook up with me at the bar at lunch. They didn't even have that back then So you know those numbers or more and this is what it's about what I tell polyamory To people I said polyamory is just the honest version of cheating because everyone's doing it.

And if you think you're not, then you better way go. It's true. I can never agree with you. It's totally true. Everyone's cheating or they want to or they've got a reputation in the version. They're born in a sort of sex with their wives, you know? Exactly. Because it's all about the other and the fantasy. And that's totally valid to feel that way. How does it work when you're like,

honey, I made you dinner and it's like, oh, well, I met someone tonight and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, doesn't mean you have a free for all to fuck anybody you want. It means that you're acknowledging the fact that you might have other sex or other relationships in your life and that if you go through it in certain ways, it doesn't have to be negative. There's always hard stuff in polyamory. In other words, it's not just like, oh, you can do it perfect and then it's going to be perfect. But is that actually easier? I'm not even. No, exactly. It's not. And I tell people, you know, if you think that just because you're going to have many lovers, all you're going to get is extra sex. I'm like, you're

clueless because notice that how much of a relationship the sex and how much is lovers, all you're gonna get is extra sex. I'm like, you're clueless. Because notice that how much of relationship is sex and how much is about growth, and you'll notice which is way more. So you just have like everything. Yeah. So you just have like everything that comes up. Yeah, you have to, well, yeah. You have to feed it in your mind.

Oh, no, no, no, there's different models of it. Some people model where it's like, I wanna keep my thing private. And that's not necessarily the healthiest way, but that's one way that it's okay for people. It's like, I have my thing, and when I go and I see John, I don't want you to know about it, but I, and what you do is you create boundaries about comfort. There's to see, well, hold on a second.

There's a lot of different methods. So one method is people are just like, hey, open season, do whatever you want, whatever you want. I don't care. You're going to do this with the glamorous, really? Yeah, they're like, hey, we've been married for 20 years. If you want to meet someone in the bar tonight and fuck them and say, they're coming home and eating dinner, that's totally okay with me. And I might happen and that's fine. We're both okay.

That's like the super old school, you know, they've been doing this for everything. Oh, you're telling that's fine. Exactly. There's all kind of rules you can create. The reason marriage is ludicrous is that you say these words, I mean, marriage is ludicrous. It is. It's ludicrous the way. Well, I should say marriage is ludicrous in the way it's normally done, which is that people make these vows and contracts and they don't update them. Do we do that in business?

Do business contracts last that long stay the same? We gotta be freaking high. We talked about this earlier guys, who knows that he works in men's health and he was saying that relationships should be based on a three to five year contract. Every year he should have to renew it. Exactly.

Because otherwise you get lazy and bored and you're serving porn and living and are sleeping with her. And you're a different person. Everyone's a different person five years later. If not, but the fuck are we all here for, right? You know, so it's like, if you acknowledge that and that person is growing together,

then you're gonna know that, you know, okay, then stuff might change. It is blind, it's like forever, and then they repress it, communicate, cause it all goes back. I think that every time, like, basically goes back to sex. And the sexual urge is that we kind of repress.

You have to ask your partner what they want and it is your duty. I say it is your duty in the universe to fulfill that person. I don't care. I don't know what they want. That's fine. How do you do that what you want? Well, you have to try stuff and you have to talk and explore a little bit about what they want.

It's very true, but you have to be brave. If you're not brave, you don't get anything. You get anything in business by being yummy. Something, right? You have to take a little risk sometimes to do something different and new and grow. Like everything in life, like whether it's a new job or a new kind of thing. That's Latinx, right? Exactly.

People don't ask that question ever. One of the most important things that they think about are all the time. Everyone thinks that's over in the show. Very shit. Because it's like, you spread to the show. Talk about a untapped market. Give me a break. Actuals kept in eradica. Sex with Emily and Captain Radica.

Stay tuned for more sex with Emily because we have more throwback sex talk after the break. ["Sex with Emily and Captain Radica"] Dorka is still a very dear friend of mine. And it's interesting because at the time, I met Doorka and she's a few years older than I am and I don't know if we talk about our ages and then but she was like, I think she's like eight years older than me. But I've never had the calling to have children.

It just, my body didn't speak to it. I always knew that I was going to do birth something but it was going to be something through work that was going to be a movement. It was going to be something impactful. I, um, yeah, I just wasn't a path. At the time, I was probably one of the only people I knew that didn't want kids, that was certain, and that wasn't even looking for marriage,

that wasn't my jam. I was the only one of my mom's friends, kids in Michigan who didn't get married enough kids. And she was just an independent spirit, like I was, but she was leading the path that she's like, I don't want kids. I don't want that either. And I just, and she was just, we met. Like I was, but she was leading the path that she was like, I don't want kids. I don't want that either. And I just, and she was just,

we met because we both worked in politics. We both did a lot of things. And I thought I always thought she had an interesting perspective. And she was also dating like the way that was like, yeah, I've got, I need sex. I like sex. Here's what I'm into. And she's much more direct than I am.

Like I'm more of like a pleaser and I want everyone to like me in that way. And she's just like unapologetically dorka. She's like, this is what I do. Either join me or I don't care. So I just love her independence and how very dorka she was wherever she went, whatever room she was in. She was always dorka.

She still is. She was state her lesson. She was voted by San Francisco magazine as one of the how to single people in San Francisco. And she's here tonight. Welcome, dorka. You've been single and dating in San Francisco for she's here tonight? Welcome, Dorka. You've been single and dating in San Francisco for, what you mean saying how old you are? I'm 41.

Okay. And I've been single and in relationships, you know, for the last 15 years and definitely this is total myth that there's no men in this city. I mean, I have a list of great guys. Well, I think part of it is what we were talking about, the Kent thing, which is when you don't have that pressure, then you don't come off as being psycho. I think so many women my age, they really know what they want, they want to get married, they want to have kids, and that freaks guys out.

And so if you don't have that pressure, then you just can kind of go out there and meet guys and have fun. It's so true. It's like, I feel like this primal urge that women have to have children make men think like women over 35, like they're going to be desperate. And I almost feel like there's something to learn because you always knew you didn't want to kids and I'm not sure that I do, but even it's true though, women if they just kind of take away that just they might be lucky, but women do have this sort of like I have to reproduce. Now, there aren't women who haven't, but that I've known and met that are like I've always known

I don't want children. Has that been a hard decision or a hard decision? Yeah, it's definitely ended a couple major relationships for for me because most guys, you start out saying that and they're like, oh, that's cool, that's fine, whatever. I'm in love with you all, it doesn't really mean anything to me. And then about a year into it, they start looking me and they're like, I want a little dorka, don't you want to have a little dorka?

And I'm like, no, no, I don't. And it's rough, it's tough. But you can't sort of do it halfway. I'll have one kid for you. You kind of really want to have a kid. Right. So, like I said, there's a lot of men and women who admire you and men who want you.

And I feel like there's a sense about you. There's a lot of women, I think, not just in San Francisco and everywhere that are desperate and they're the victims and they're beautiful and they're smart and they're intelligent, but they're desperate and the victims and you've never had that. And I don't know a lot of women like that. And they have a lot of, then they have victim written on the front of their forehead and they go out and they're intelligent, but they're just putting the victims and you've never had that. And I don't know a lot of women like that. And they have a lot, and then they have victim written

on the front of their forehead and they go out and they're looking. You know, they're on a mission to find a guy to get married and that's, but it's always women look like. Besides, there's victim and red on the forehead. Like, could you give me some characteristics? I mean, you're not like a, you know them.

Well, I just think it's, you know, women, the problem is women do know what they want. And so, and they know much more than men, especially at my age. You know what you want, you know the kind of guy, you know the kind of life. And that's really threatening to men. They don't really want men, they don't want to be controlled. They want to feel like they're in charge, they're the hunter and whatever. But we all know really that the women are the gathers and the women have always been

the ones in control. But you kind of have to learn how to do it in a way that makes allows men to still feel like they're in control. But the problem is when you are 40 and you do want to have how to do it in a way that makes allows men to still feel like they're in control. But the problem is when you are 40 and you do want to have kids, you are under a time pressure. So it's this really evil thing, I think, that's happens to women. They get stuck in this really bad position. It's tough question.

It is a tough question. You know, it's really about male and female psychies and just women have to kind of learn how to play men to get what they want. And sometimes women are just too honest and they kind of just wear, you know, they're just straightforward about what they want and that freaks guys out. Guys that, you know, what was Marley saying? Guys are super sensitive, you know, emotionally and physically. They're not like women.

Women are much tougher. Women go through childbirth, they go through all this kind of stuff. And women just like laid out on the line and men just don't know how to handle that. Right. So you kind of got to learn how to kind of massage these guys. So women don't hold back enough. I think that men want more women like you that are strong and smart and intelligent. They do in a way.

But they want to have kids. Most men want to have kids. So in a way they're attracted to me. They want to go out with me, but then they want to have a kid. So it's just kind of, I'm kind of- How do you know you didn't want kids? I never create, like I love kids. I have a godson, you know, I adore him to death, I just never want, I just see how much time it takes to commit to having a kid.

And I think most people don't really think about it until all of a sudden they have a kid. I have so many friends of mine, obviously they love their kid once they have it, but they're like, wow, I had no idea what it meant to only sleep two hours at a time and to not be able to like even go get my pussy wax because I don't have time. You know? I feel like they also maybe they sort of admire your lifestyle in a way because you're dating and you're doing this. Lena, the grass is always greener. That's true too.

They have maybe way more of the stability. So you've dated men in San Francisco, New York. Hi, Purcell, LA. Arjun Tee-N-Hong. Sorry, I'm a little like a guy in Arjun Tee-Nong, she flew down to the weekend. Could you talk about men in San Francisco versus men elsewhere or like the difference between? Do you think there is a San Francisco male? You know, there's so many different kinds of San, I mean, what happens in San Francisco is we're so provincial that we get stuck in our little neighborhoods and our little groups. And that's what happens if I think some of these women, like, I live in Pacific Heights.

I have a lot of friends living in Pacific Heights. They're like, there are no men out there. Like, were you having gone south and market or to the mission, you know, since you were 21? There's a whole, another world out there, you know, and then there's like the Burning Man world and there's all these different worlds in San Francisco, but they're so segregated.

What's Burning Man like? Well, I mean, Burning Man, I mean, if you want to hook up, you go to Burning Man. I mean, there's just like, men and women everywhere and everyone's sexy looking and dressed up and costumes and you can just kind of, and I think that's what people like about Burning Man is people can, you know, people take on their different names, they go out there and they have this whole alter ego experience for a week and then they go back to their, you know, desk job at whatever software company. How would you explain Burning Man?

What is it? Burning Man is the most amazing experience. It is the wildest. It's not like if people are like, oh, it's the spare with music and art. It's not. It's this wild, wild, wild happening and everything's there. I mean, you can find anything. You can find SNM.

You can find, you know, people giving wax jobs out there. Really? Oh, yeah. There was a whole camp where they were, they'd shaved and wax. That's what they're offering was. And there's no money being exchanged there. And people are just super generous.

It's the most amazing community out there. No money, like, no money, loving, and you slow down, and you're like, one of you slow down. It's a very good, couple of weeks to recover after you go to Burning Man because you're up all night, because that's what's so fun.

And there's so much to see. I mean, there's just everything is as a wild. And there's a great men think that women can only have emotional sex. And I feel like the stories you've told me that you've had emotionally detached sex. Like you can just be with the guy for like sex sake. Totally. I mean, you have to feel some kind of connection. Right.

For like a few minutes. It doesn't have to mean anything more than it is right there. But I think all women are like that. This is a big myth about women. What? That they all think myths. You know, that women only have sex when they really want to be with the guy. Women are having sex all over the place.

Come on, look at match.com. I mean, they're women out there. They're putting their picture out there. And they just want to get fucked that night. They don't even want to necessarily. I have guy friends of mine who tell me that they don't even, you know, have to take the girl out to dinner. You know, they see her on match.com, they come to the door

and she like pulls them in and throws them in bed, you know, and they don't want to have to deal. And I think women are actually more that way, especially in their 30s and 40s. I agree. You know, I mean, we have a friend of ours who's dating this woman and he's said to her, you know, I feel like all we do is get together and have sex and she was like, yeah, you know, I agree. Because we have a life, you know? And unless you're Mr. Right or you think that he's Mr. Right and you do want to pursue something, yeah, you want to have sex and if Mr. Right's not there, you still want to have sex.

So, you know, you don't want all the complications. I totally agree. I feel like it's, I've been through my research, my informal talking everyone I know. Every woman I talk to tells me that their boyfriend does not want to have sex as much as she does. Guys are like turtles. When there's something emotionally going wrong with them, their penis is just shrink. It's amazing. To me, it's like even when I have a fight with a guy with my boyfriend, I want to have

great makeup sex. I think women are that way. Women are emotional physical. They want to like, that's how they show their affection. You know, that's how you get back together with your guy after you've had a fight because like they have to take days like thinking about their problems, you know, and they get all withdrawn. I'm like, well, we could be having fun right now.

We could be having great sex. Why do we have to like be pondering like the fight we just had three days ago? Let it go. It's like this big American myth. Talk about myths. I love myths. You always hear growing up. Like I think I might have learned it like in grade school. They're like the women are frigid. They

don't want sex to men do and I've not heard one man complain to me not one and I've talked to men and women that they're girlfriend so on sex and every woman is telling me the man I'm dating in his 20s, 30s and 40s, mostly men in their 30s, early 40s do not want sex to much they do. For the problem when you get into a relationship is you start having boring sex because you don't kind of cross other lines, you know. And so you've got to keep it fresh in you and you've got to do that though. Well, you know, you've got to start dressing up. You've got to start doing weird things.

You've got to do a little exiled dance for your guy. You've got to, you know, take into a with strip club and, you know, do a pull dance form or, you know, you've got to do something to, you know, or call them up in the middle of the day and blindfold them and take them to a hotel room or, you know, just, you know, because that's what happens is we all kind of get stuck in our ways and we come home, we get in bed, and we have, you know, missionary style sex

and we go to bed. You know, where we sit and watch TV and when we look at each other, we're like, okay, we'll have sex. You know, I mean, it stops being sexy. When you first meet someone, you're like in a club and you know, you're kind of boozy and, you know, it's all new and exciting.

You got it. You got to do that in a relationship because also if you don't do that, then you're looking at the pool boy and he's looking at the side shirt. I think monogamy is an epidemic. I think monogamy can be great because then you can go deeper. You can go maybe to a sex club together. We don't have to work at it. You know, but you can do these things that you maybe wouldn't feel comfortable with someone

that you just met randomly, but you can do like, you know, you can do while kinky things together because you know each other well enough. Right, you can't even go deep. Okay, I'm going to be the little French maid tonight. I thought French maid got to my Halloween one. Yes, right? Well, I was a French maid. I had that one. Oh, you're a hot cheerleader.

Yeah. Do I have to have some hot cheerleading uniform? I was like, I still have the poster. Like, I were a 15-year-old. She's here, yeah. Do I have to stop hot as cheerleading uniform? It was like, I still have the postcard. It's like I were a 15 year old. It's very tiny. I'm just kidding. Yeah, your body is like a 15 year old. I mean, the booze and the whole thing.

Oh my God, you're so good, thank you. So that's sex with Emily. Wasn't that fun? You don't even have to stay in cuddle and thanks for listening. Hopefully you learned something. Please check back, go to sexwithemily.com and you will talk soon.

Thanks. Thank you for 15 years, everyone. I can't believe it's in 15 years. Thank you. You can find more at sexwithemily.com slash SXM. Also follow me on all social media. Sex with Emily crossed the board. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook was a good for you.

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