Sex With Emily - Five Unsexy Tips for Better Sex Every Time

Starting point is 00:00:00 One question I'm asked all the time is, Emily, what products do you actually recommend? And that's exactly why we created shop sex with Emily. Every product in the shop is something my team and I have personally researched and tested or recommended because we genuinely believe it can help you of better sex, stronger intimacy, and just more confidence in the bedroom. Whether you're shopping for yourself, your partner, or both of you, we've made it easy to find products that actually work. head to shop sex withemly.com and discover your next favorite bedroom essential. Hey everyone, welcome to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily Morris, and my mission is to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, have better communication, explore your desires, or simply have your

Starting point is 00:00:47 best sex ever, you are in the right place. Before we jump in, make sure you're following me everywhere. It's at Sex With Emily on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook for even more sex and relationship advice and more resources, go to sex with Emily.com. Sign up for my free weekly newsletter. I hear I give a really good newsletter. Shot my curated sexual wellness products and picks at shop, sex with Emily.com and explore hundreds of articles, download free guides and everything you need to have the best sex ever.

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Starting point is 00:01:51 And thanks for prioritizing your pleasure. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Five unsexy tips for better sex every time. If your sex life has been feeling off lately, you know, you're not wanting it as much, you're not getting turned on as easily, and if you've started wondering, what is wrong with me? Is it my libido? Isn't it my relationship? I want you to consider something.

Starting point is 00:02:14 Maybe your sex life doesn't need fixing. How about that? Maybe the conditions around your sex life do. Today I'm giving you five very unsexy things that can make your sex life a whole lot better. sleep, comfort, time, what's actually happening in your body and mental load. I know. Hot, right? After 20 years of helping people improve their sex lives through my podcast sex with

Starting point is 00:02:37 Emily, I can tell you, we're way too quick to decide low desire means, well, I've lost my libido, we've lost the spark, something's wrong. Sometimes the conditions for desire just suck. So before you diagnose yourself at your relationship, let's take a look at what might actually be getting in the way. when we get to number three, you're probably going to roll your eyes at me. Okay, let's start with number one. Tip one, stop making sex the last thing on the list. Okay, this one sounds incredibly obvious, but I swear, I see couples do this all the time. Stop making sex the last thing on your

Starting point is 00:03:12 to do list. Because if you're exhausted, I do not care who walks to the door. It could be your biggest celebrity crush, naked, holding a glass of wine, saying, Emily, I'm here. And I might still be like, amazing. Can you get me some water and turn the light off on your way out? I think we forget how much energy sex actually requires. We have this fantasy that if we're really attracted to someone or if the relationship is really good, we should somehow be able to transcend exhaustion. Like desire is going to swoop in and override the fact that you've been awake for 17 hours. But your body does not work like that. I hear from couples all the time you say, Emily, we never have sex anymore. And one of the first things I want to know is,

Starting point is 00:03:52 okay, when are you trying to have sex? And it never. it's like, well, at night. I'm like, okay, what time? And they're like, 11.30. I'm like, okay, let me get this straight. You worked all day. Maybe you dealt with your kids. You made dinner.

Starting point is 00:04:07 You cleaned up. You answered emails. You walked the dog. You got into bed. You scrolled Instagram. You watched three episodes of something. You're just not even that into. And then 1147, one of you rolls over and is like, so want to have sex?

Starting point is 00:04:19 No, I want to go unconscious. And then one person feels rejected and the other feels guilty. and suddenly something that might actually be about timing becomes a whole relationship issue. So my unsexy tip is stop giving sex the leftovers of your energy. Find a time when you have the actual life force left in you. You know, maybe that Sunday morning. Maybe it's before dinner on date night. That's a big one.

Starting point is 00:04:45 Because you know what happens in date night? You go to dinner and then you're like, fuck, we're so tired for sex. Have sex before dinner. Maybe it's a random afternoon when the house is quiet. Maybe you both work from home and suddenly realize, wait, we have 30 minutes and nobody needs anything from us. Use it. You do not need the perfect romantic window with candles, freshly washed sheets, and three uninterrupted hours. You need a real window. And if your schedule is truly brutal, start smaller. 20 minutes. Put phones away, get into bed together, make out, give each other

Starting point is 00:05:16 massage, just be naked, talk, touch each other without immediately deciding where it has to go. The goal isn't to manufacture sex. It's to stop asking your nervous system to go from emails, traffic, dishes, deadlines, doom scrolling to seduction in 30 seconds. That's a pretty aggressive gear shift. Right? Like, how do we actually do that? And I think we're all trying to do that and we never give ourselves grace and realize, I can't switch that quickly. So don't give sex whatever scraps of energy are left at the end of the day. Give it a better time. slot. You might be shocked by what happens when you try to have sex at a time when you actually want to be awake. Think about that. Number two, lube is not a report card. I need everyone to hear

Starting point is 00:06:06 this because I've been answering some version of this question for 20 years. Emily, I need lube now. Does that mean I'm not turned on or this? My partner wants lube. Does that mean she's not attracted to me? No. Lubrication and arousal are related, but they're not the same thing. You can be wildly turned on and not particularly wet. You could also be lubricated and not particularly turned on. Your vagina is not the lie detector of your libido. And lubrication changes for all kinds of reasons. It's like our hormones, medications, stress, wherever you're at in your cycle,

Starting point is 00:06:43 perimenopause, menopause, breastfeeding, like our bodies change. I cannot tell you how many women have said to me almost apologetically, but I never used to need Loub. And I'm like, okay, you also didn't always need reading glasses. You know, we don't need to turn every bodily change into a crisis about what it means about our life. Do you use moisturizer on your face, conditioner on your hair? I'm always changing up the conditioner on my hair.

Starting point is 00:07:11 I'm actually always changing up the moisturizer on my face. Do you use sunscreen? Great. So you already understand Loub. It's a tool that makes something feel better. And here's where I actually care about this. I don't want you having sex that's dry, uncomfortable, or painful because you think, well, I should just push through this.

Starting point is 00:07:31 I've talked to women who slowly started avoiding sex because it became uncomfortable. And their partner is obviously thinking, she doesn't want me. And she thinks, why don't I want sex anymore? But every time they have sex, it hurts. Of course your body isn't exactly sending you that calendar invite for more of that. your body remembers even if your brain doesn't. So just use lube. Give yourself more time to get a rouse. Take penetration off the table when it doesn't feel good. And if pain or dryness is new, persistent, or just keep showing up, talk to a clinician or a sexual health specialist who actually listens to you.

Starting point is 00:08:11 You don't need a gold star for tolerating painful sex. Okay, got that out of the way. You know, comfort isn't the only consolation prize of good sex. Comfort is one of the things that allows pleasure to happen. Tip three, put possibility on the calendar. Okay, I promise you number three, was the one people roll their eyes at. Here it is, schedule sex. I know, I know nothing gets you hotter than a Google calendar invite that says sex Thursday, 815. But before you dismiss me, let me ask you something. How is waiting for spontaneous sex working for you? Because that is what I hear from couples all the time. We want sex to happen naturally. Okay, but when? You both work, you're exhausted, maybe you have kids, you're running around all weekend, and one of you want

Starting point is 00:08:57 sex in the morning and the other one wants sex at night. And you're basically waiting for this magical moment when you're both rested, turned on, showered, emotionally connected, the house is clean and nobody needs anything from you. And somehow, you're both free exactly at the same time. Good luck with that. And here's the thing. I'm actually not telling you to schedule sex. I'm telling you to schedule the possibility of sex. That's very different.

Starting point is 00:09:25 Maybe Thursday night is just phones away. We're getting into bed early. Maybe you take a shower together. Maybe you give each other a massage. You make out like you used to. Put out a toy. You know, lie there naked and talk. Maybe you have sex.

Starting point is 00:09:39 Maybe you don't. The agreement isn't Thursday, 815, penetration must occur, the agreement is we're making room for us. I worked with a couple who kept telling me they wanted sex to be spontaneous because that's how it was at the beginning of their relationship. And I was like, okay, but think about the beginning of your relationship. You plan the date. You picked out what you were wearing. You thought about them all day. You shaved, you know, whatever you wanted to shave. You got excited driving over there. That's anticipation. We romanticized spontaneity, but a lot of what we remember as spontaneous sex

Starting point is 00:10:15 actually had hours or days of anticipation built into it. But now you've been together for 12 years and you're expecting that same erotic energy to just magically appear between loading the dishwasher, putting the kids to bed. No, won't happen. Put some possibility back in there. And I love this because it also leaves room for a no. Scheduling time together does not mean the other person owes sex. Initiation is opening the door. It's not dragging someone through it. So if Thursday comes around and one of you is exhausted, fine, make out for 10 minutes. You know, go to sleep touching. You still showed up for the relationship. Remember this. Pressure kills desire. But anticipation, curiosity, knowing like, ooh,

Starting point is 00:11:06 Thursday night is ours. That can actually feed it. So no, plan to intimacy isn't less romantic. And for most adults with jobs and kids and responsibilities and very, very busy brains, planning is sometimes the only reason romance gets a fighting chance. Tip four, your sex life does not live outside your body. Here's something I wish we talked about more. Your sex life is part of your health. We have this weird tendency to treat libido like it's operating out of its own little department. Meanwhile, the rest of your body is like, hello, we're all in the same building. I talked to a woman who told me her desire is completely disappeared.

Starting point is 00:11:46 She loves her husband. She was super attracted to him. And they'd always had a really good sex life. So we started talking and somewhere in the conversation she actually casually mentions, oh yeah, and I haven't really slept through the night in months. I'm sorry, what? But that is not a footnote. That's important information because sleep.

Starting point is 00:12:06 hormones, medications, stress, physical health, all these things can show up in your sex life. And I've experienced versions of this myself. Like there have been times when I thought, where did my desire go? And then I zoom out and I look at what's happening in my body and in my life and I go, oh, of course, of course. I haven't been sleeping or I've been traveling a lot. You know, I was really sick a few weeks ago. I'm just not quite myself yet.

Starting point is 00:12:32 So listen, if something changes sexually, pay attention to the change. Not with panic, with curiosity. Especially if sex suddenly hurts. Your desire dramatically changes or orgasms feel different or your body isn't responding the way it normally does. And please don't let three TikToks, the internet and an algorithm diagnose you. Talk to somebody who understands sexual health and that is not everybody. That is not every doctor that you might have been seeing previously.

Starting point is 00:13:01 It's doctors who specialize in sexual health and hormonal health. Sometimes the most useful sex advice is a new position or more poor play. It's listening when your body gives you new information. And before we get to number five, here's one practical thing I want you to do from tip two. Put lube will you actually have sex. Not buried in a bathroom drawer, not somewhere you have to get up naked and just go searching for it. That's so annoying. Put it within arm's reach.

Starting point is 00:13:30 What I really like is slick lid H2O. It's a water base unscented. It works with condoms and turrets. toys and it's an easy everyday lobe to keep by the bed. It has a little flip top and don't wait until sex is already uncomfortable to use it. Use it early and more of it when you want more. Okay, that's it. And if you're interested in Liquid H2O, head to shop sex with Emily.com.

Starting point is 00:13:52 I'll also put a direct link in the show notes below. Okay, number five, you cannot go from project manager to sex goddess in 30 seconds. Okay, number five might be the least sexy of all of them. or as I like to say, you can't go from project manager to sex goddess in 30 seconds. Picture this. You've been working all day. You get home. You're figuring out dinner.

Starting point is 00:14:15 There's like laundry somewhere that needs attention. You remember the dog needs something. Somebody's got a birthday this weekend and you're standing at the sink thinking about the six things you still need to do before you go to bed. Then a partner comes up behind you. They start kissing your neck and is thinking, ooh, maybe this is going somewhere. And you're thinking, did anyone move the laundry to the door? dryer, same kitchen, very different experience. And then it gets worse because now you notice they're trying to initiate sex and another

Starting point is 00:14:43 task gets added to the list. Oh shit, sex, I haven't done that either. That's the exact opposite of what we want. Sex cannot become item number 14 on your to-do list. This is where couples get caught in a really painful loop. One person is thinking, why don't they ever want me anymore? And then the other person is thinking, I want you. I just don't want one more person needing something from me.

Starting point is 00:15:08 Those are two very different things. And I've heard some version of this story thousands of times. Someone tells me, by the end of day, I just don't want to be touched. And then they describe their day and I'm like, of course, you've been making decisions and taking care of everyone since 7 a.m. Your brain has been running a small corporation. And now at 10.30, we're expecting to be like, great work, everyone. Shut down operations.

Starting point is 00:15:28 Time to be erotic. Doesn't work like that. And this isn't about women versus men. It's really whoever is carrying the invisible load can end up here, the one who's like making all the decisions. But I do want couples to understand that sometimes the hottest thing you can do for your sex life happens hours before anyone gets naked. It's noticing what needs to be done without being asked.

Starting point is 00:15:52 It's taking something completely off your partner's plate and not just tell me what you need me to do. Because now I'm managing you. I'm managing the tasks. That's still project management. I remember someone telling me that what she wanted most from her husband wasn't some elaborate date night. She wanted him to own dinner. Not as like, what are the ingredients?

Starting point is 00:16:12 Not text her from the grocery store six times. Just, I've got dinner, babe. And she said the sexiest part wasn't even that he cooked, although that was nice. It was that for one night, her brain didn't have to hold it. That's the piece. Instead of waiting until you're furious and saying, you never help me try i miss us i'm having a hard time getting out of task mode lately can we look at what's taking up all of our bandwidth see now it's not you versus me it's us versus the problem

Starting point is 00:16:46 and that is partnership the part i don't want you to miss okay and please don't leave here thinking great now i need to sleep eight hours schedule sex call my doctor reorganize my entire household by lube and become sexually enlightened by Friday. Please don't. Your sex life does not need to become another wellness project. Pick one thing from today. The one where you went, oh shit, that's us. Start there.

Starting point is 00:17:13 And none of this means you owe anyone sex. There's no duty sex. No guilt sex. No pushing through pain. Scheduling intimacy doesn't mean sex has to happen. A real yes requires the freedom to say no. And that's really what I want you to take away from all this. We spend so much time looking for the sexy thing that's going to fix our sex lives,

Starting point is 00:17:37 a new position, a new toy, new technique. And sometimes the thing that changes everything is ridiculously unsexy. Go to bed earlier, use a lube, put Thursday on the calendar, call the doctor, do the damn dishes without being asked. Not exactly the cover of a romance novel, but it might get you a love. closer to having the sex you actually want. Okay, so tell me below which one made you go, oh shit, that's me. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Was it good for you? Follow me on all social media, Sex with Emily. You can also check out my website, sex withemly.com. And please subscribe to the podcast, which is available on all podcast platforms as I had into my 21st year. You can find

Starting point is 00:18:23 them all. Also, I'm going on tour if you want to check it out. Go to sex with Emily.com. slash events. Don't forget to check out our website for all my favorite sexual health and wellness products and subscribe to our newsletter. Thanks everyone for listening.

Sex With Emily - Five Unsexy Tips for Better Sex Every Time

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